Sweet, loved the original. The end had always felt kind of strange.

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Yeah. It was always meant to be quite a bit longer, but I just sort of got there and... well, yeah. Now there's this. lol. Thanks for the comment! I'm still amazed at how fast you comment on things.

Yes! All of my yes! Loved the original, will doubtlessly love this too ... once I have time to read it.

hey its now that bad, I mean I'm not a picky eater or anything like that but still this makes for a good fap. orgasm denial is not really a fetish of mine but hypno/slave is pretty up there. Can't wait to see rarity broken in.

This is off to a great start! Guess I’ll have to go back and read the first one now. I hope you keep playing with the orgasm denial... cruel cruel orgasm denial.

Now that I’ve read it … No pizazz? I promise you, this has pizazz aplenty. I like how he casually dominates and torments Twi, like she’s just a toy and she can just take it. Hope we get to see some of that rough anal – it’s mah thang. Also, I’m also not usually into denial play, but it works well here, so looking forward to more of that, too.

Always a good day when a new story or chapter of yours pops up in my feed.

What fetishes are you trying to hit? As hypnosis/mind control goes it's there but not really emphasized. Without the context of the first story or the claim that she is (allegedly) hypnotized you wouldn't be able to tell at all, since Twilight obviously has a fetish for the way he treats her. This might heat up more once she's actually being pushed to do something immoral, or if we see him reinforcing his control/training Rarity, since those activities were the focus and highlight of the original story.

I wish I was better at praise so I could give this story the praise it truly deserves. Love the casual degradation of Twilight as he makes her stroke him off with magic. Best use of the most powerful mage in equestria...

ETA also the orgasm denial at the end is w o n d e r f u l

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Thanks! We'll see what happens. I don't know either. Anything in particular you didn't like about it?

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We'll see. Clean likes controlling things, and he's just found a new way to exercise his control. He will certainly revisit it.

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Hmm...Thanks! Good to know. I'll see what gets vomited up. This has a "story" that's defined already, with lots of sex in it. The problem is the sex isn't defined necessarily. lol. So what pops up will depend on how the characters feel about each other in the moment.

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Twilight's a little bent right now. Clean doesn't quite know what he's done to her, and he won't for a while. It's likely he won't care as long as it doesn't impact his life in a negative way. Protip- It will. As far as what I was going for here, it was to demonstrate their relationship right now, and point Clean at Rarity more than anything. That's probably why I think it wasn't any good, the bit here is just here as a tool to convey how Clean and Twilight treat each other right now, and not as an exploration of any fetishes. But then Clean was miffed, and decided to go with orgasm denial to punish her since lately she's liked everything else. And it just so turns out they've got a sybian arriving. Whoopsies. Debating if I'm actually gonna write that. It's the kind of thing that would be very intense, but might be difficult for a scene that stays interesting. M/C is absolutely still going on, but is backstage atm. It will come up plenty, and note I updated the tags to specify hypnotism and M/C as seperate things... That will be important later, especially if I ride this train all the way to the F-ed up end.

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lol. Thanks! Don't praise me. I hate praise. ETA? Unknown. Clean is going to be...mean. Maybe not at first, but he's absolutely a cruel character who gets off on degradation. You might enjoy some of the things he has planned. But... Well... You'll just have to see I guess. Thanks for the comment!

Yay we're back to a singular morally bankrupt protagonist that we can unabashedly root for and find hot despite knowing everything they do is wrong and bad! Don't get me wrong, I love the emotional depth and nuances in your other stories, but this is fucking hot.

The description of the uniform is fantastic – ponies in clothes are great, and the sexualization of them that highlights distinctly non-human qualities is nice. Tangent to that, earplay, unf.

Twilight acting like an eager slut all of the time would eventually get boring,

it's so nice to see a story that acknowldges both sides of this

Hottest part is definitely the dirty talk about dominating Rarity, though. The kind of twisted betrayal and surrender to lust and sacrifice of morality to a different set of priorities turns me on so much. And you've got a very special way of writing it – usually there's only the class where it's so overblown and disconnected from the characterization because the author knows it's awful, or the kind where I start feeling genuinely afraid of what the writer is capable of and how they think people work; but you can capture the best of both sides there.

No idea why you're not finding it sexy, if it's not point A and the murkiness of it all. I think you get off on that idea a lot more than I do?

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oh right you hate praise. ignore everything i just said, it sucks. Cleaned isn't hot enough, probably? Unless that's a strength, I'm not sure. I can see both sides to wanting more description of him and his actual physical attractiveness and presence, to get that ever-useful sub enjoyment factor, but it would probably take us out of his head and interfere with self inserting. And I kind of think there's an odd shortage of clearly dom-perspective works – I blame the fact there's way less of a social stigma to acknowledge that getting raped can be hot, as opposed to committing rape. Like, shit, even saying that makes me suddenly really scared about how people aren't going to understand the context and judge me forever over it.

Other criticisms: I think you mix up "suit" and "suite" at least once, there's an errant line break at "been hypnotized to put her friends on her list"; a space between "magic job" and it's full stop; and the third occurence of "stallion" is capitalized when it shouldn't be. Or else the parallel "mare" should be.

Oh boy, separate Mind Control and Hypnosis occurences is really exciting to me. I can't wait to see stuff get more and more extreme and explosive. I guess I can see how you feel like this might be missing a little from a straight depiction of a sex scene angle, if that's what you meant by pizzazz, but personally I feel like there's so much of that out there (not to mention mediums of art and video that are way more directly focused on it) that I'm pretty much here to see fascinating scenarios and dwell on how hot (and correlatedly awful) they are.

Holy shit this is some fetishy shit. Like super deep down turn on stuff. I like.

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Thanks! If you like weird fetishy shit, check out some of my other stories. They're all a little.... bent.

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Sorry it took so long. Fixed those little bits as well. Thanks! I'm sort of jumping all over the place with this one. lol.