Just a few nitpicks, First off, when switching who is talking, make sure to do it on a different line. E.g:
"There is no spoon." The man quoted.
"What?" The sister replied.
And, when they where coming into orbit, the jump was a bit jarring. Try explaining the feel of being dropped into orbit, or, maybe a P.O.V switch to the ponies?
Also, I can safely say that I was surprised at the appearance of the Space Wolves. But, I do have to question from a lore point of view, why where they there? Is this not a Ultramarine ship? And what about the White Scars?
On top of that, if you want to stick to the lore, (which, for this fact, I care little about.) You might want to talk about the Primus Marines.
And final lore nitpick, why the fck is the Chapter master apart of a scouting squad? I'm pretty sure there are designated non-Spacemarine personal for these things. And whilst I understand the deployment of the S.Ms, the chaptermaster is a bit of a stretch.
8556398 Okay, for the dialogue, I thought that's what I was doing this whole time. But, okay.
Secondly, I agree about the start, could use some more work.
Thirdly, as to the wolves and scars, the discription of Guilliman's crusade is rather vague in terms of Astartes chapters affiliated, except for the ultramarines and Imperial Fists. I figured that the wolves and scars would be great chapters to include, as well as others to come. Though the ship I don't recall being assigned to any chapter all together. So, the idea of having multiple chapters on board is not out of the question. I did include the Primaris Marines as well. Averon is a Primaris Captain after all. The Redemptor Dreadnaught should've been a dead give away. After all this is The Indomitous Crusade after all.
Finally, I don't recall using any Chapter Masters in the story. Company Captains, yes. But chapter masters, of course not.
Good points as far as Grammer, and storytelling. But as for the lore, you might wanna read closer. Not to say you don't know any of it. I'm just saying not to jump to conclusions without any evidence.
Work on the spacing between paragraphs, don't mix dialogue from different characters in a single sentence or paragraph unless it's a bodily reaction or notice. The great evil of the Walls of Text is the damnation of us all.
Pretty much all criticism has been commented already, although I would refrain from having a ton of named characters from the books/lore, many of the people who read this aren't going to have any idea who they are, much less how important they are.
Not only would the famous second company of Ultramarines be sent. But, also members of other Astartes chapters were to join them, most notably the Imperial Fists’ 5th company, known as the Heralds of Truth. Joining also was the White Scar’s own 3rd company, The Eagle Brotherhood, who brought with them a few of their Biker Squads. Leading one of the Biker squads was a Sergeant by the name of Barulatai, who took notice of the final company joining the mission. These were members of the Space Wolves chapter, specifically members of the Bloodmaws Company. One of the swift claw biker squad members looked over to see Barulatai giving him a look that suggested something was on his mind.
“What’re you looking at, Scarface?” The wolf snarled with a sneer. “That any way to greet an old friend, Sigfast?” Barulatai asked. The wolf merely smirked and scuffed at the remark. “Aye lad, any friend that decides to go in loud and crazy.” “Like any of your Thunderwolf comrades wouldn’t?” The Sergeant spoke. “Those loud-mouthed buggers? Obnoxious pissers more like it.”
The two looked over to see what appeared to be two packs of Fenrissian Wolves boarding one of the Space Wolves own Stormfang.
“You’re bringing those mutts with us?” Barulatai scuffed. Sigfast was not amused. “Those “mutts” got more fight in them than any of you half-assed speedsters.” That remark brought the White Scar sergeant to His point. “Care to put that to the test. Prove to me and my squad that you wolves can get first blood quicker than us.” The challenge then perked the ears of the wolf, in which he let out a smirk at the idea of rubbing the white scars’ face in the dirt. “Alright lad, you got yourself a challenge.”
This entire part right here is a good example, they are introduced but get no further parts (in this chapter at least) making the reader confused as to why they were introduced. The individual chapters/companies are also introduced but not described, so people who aren't fans of Warhammer/light fans wont be able to tell the difference between them.
The creature’s horn began glowing with a purple aura as it forced the warriors back with a small burst of what seemed to them a psychic force.
Great thinking, Starlight! If you attack them with magic, they won't think you're evil!
Quite impressive for one such as you.
..."for one such as you" ...Welp, someone sounds like a HERETIC!
my village has fallen under attack by creatures we call Diamond Dogs and have been under siege for many months now. Our resources have been drained, and our forces dwindled. We had no chance to evacuate for they attacked us on all fronts. My people have been trapped, and the inevitable end is quickly approaching.
Why should the Imperium help you instead of the Diamond Dogs, then? Weak allies are a ball-and-chain.
But, he also knew that should he chose to aid these creatures would not only prove problematic to these ponies but with the Imperium at large.
How so? There are dozens of protectorate species of the Imperium and many more that are allies or with neutrality respected by the Imperium. The reason humans hate aliens is because those are dozen or hundreds of species out of the tens of thousands of horrifically evil space monster species. Well, that and the great betrayal of the aliens attacking humanity after we saved them from the galaxy-wide daemon invasion following the Iron War...which we kinda sorta caused by using uncontrolled psykers to defeat the Men of Iron...
9307064 To be fair, some of the names aren't from books. Ocs really. Though I expect not all readers to be hardcore fans. As for the characters themselves, they'll have a part to play in their respected chapters or sections, and will go through some of the lore. Besides, 40k lore is also really damn confusing if you haven't figured that out, with so many intertwining stories.
9314252 I would say I'd agree, if it weren't for the fact that a primarch wasn't with them. Course the Imperium is anti xenos, but Guilliman still follows the wishes of his father. Besides, the ponies stent even capable of space travel, so of course they aren't do wide spread in 40k, to purge a meeger miniscule Xenos race would be a massive waste of time, and resources, which Guilliman despises. And as our great and glorious overlord once said..."As long as they serve the imperium and only fire upon those who wish to destroy us, it is alright."
Lookin good so far. Keep up the good work
8551357
Thanks a lot.
Huh, this updated quick.
Just a few nitpicks,
First off, when switching who is talking, make sure to do it on a different line.
E.g:
And, when they where coming into orbit, the jump was a bit jarring. Try explaining the feel of being dropped into orbit, or, maybe a P.O.V switch to the ponies?
Also, I can safely say that I was surprised at the appearance of the Space Wolves. But, I do have to question from a lore point of view, why where they there? Is this not a Ultramarine ship? And what about the White Scars?
On top of that, if you want to stick to the lore, (which, for this fact, I care little about.) You might want to talk about the Primus Marines.
And final lore nitpick, why the fck is the Chapter master apart of a scouting squad? I'm pretty sure there are designated non-Spacemarine personal for these things.
And whilst I understand the deployment of the S.Ms, the chaptermaster is a bit of a stretch.
-----
I hope this helps! ^_^
8556398
Okay, for the dialogue, I thought that's what I was doing this whole time. But, okay.
Secondly, I agree about the start, could use some more work.
Thirdly, as to the wolves and scars, the discription of Guilliman's crusade is rather vague in terms of Astartes chapters affiliated, except for the ultramarines and Imperial Fists. I figured that the wolves and scars would be great chapters to include, as well as others to come. Though the ship I don't recall being assigned to any chapter all together. So, the idea of having multiple chapters on board is not out of the question. I did include the Primaris Marines as well. Averon is a Primaris Captain after all. The Redemptor Dreadnaught should've been a dead give away. After all this is The Indomitous Crusade after all.
Finally, I don't recall using any Chapter Masters in the story. Company Captains, yes. But chapter masters, of course not.
Good points as far as Grammer, and storytelling. But as for the lore, you might wanna read closer. Not to say you don't know any of it. I'm just saying not to jump to conclusions without any evidence.
Work on the spacing between paragraphs, don't mix dialogue from different characters in a single sentence or paragraph unless it's a bodily reaction or notice. The great evil of the Walls of Text is the damnation of us all.
Pretty much all criticism has been commented already, although I would refrain from having a ton of named characters from the books/lore, many of the people who read this aren't going to have any idea who they are, much less how important they are.
This entire part right here is a good example, they are introduced but get no further parts (in this chapter at least) making the reader confused as to why they were introduced. The individual chapters/companies are also introduced but not described, so people who aren't fans of Warhammer/light fans wont be able to tell the difference between them.
Great thinking, Starlight! If you attack them with magic, they won't think you're evil!
..."for one such as you"
...Welp, someone sounds like a HERETIC!
Why should the Imperium help you instead of the Diamond Dogs, then? Weak allies are a ball-and-chain.
How so? There are dozens of protectorate species of the Imperium and many more that are allies or with neutrality respected by the Imperium. The reason humans hate aliens is because those are dozen or hundreds of species out of the tens of thousands of horrifically evil space monster species. Well, that and the great betrayal of the aliens attacking humanity after we saved them from the galaxy-wide daemon invasion following the Iron War...which we kinda sorta caused by using uncontrolled psykers to defeat the Men of Iron...
9307064
To be fair, some of the names aren't from books. Ocs really. Though I expect not all readers to be hardcore fans. As for the characters themselves, they'll have a part to play in their respected chapters or sections, and will go through some of the lore. Besides, 40k lore is also really damn confusing if you haven't figured that out, with so many intertwining stories.
9314252
I would say I'd agree, if it weren't for the fact that a primarch wasn't with them. Course the Imperium is anti xenos, but Guilliman still follows the wishes of his father. Besides, the ponies stent even capable of space travel, so of course they aren't do wide spread in 40k, to purge a meeger miniscule Xenos race would be a massive waste of time, and resources, which Guilliman despises. And as our great and glorious overlord once said..."As long as they serve the imperium and only fire upon those who wish to destroy us, it is alright."