“One more level”
“One more level”
“Just one more level”
A cyan filly with a rainbow mane thought to herself as she played her newly brought video game in her poster covered of The Wonder Bolts room the night before that big, important and if you a low grade you’ll be screwed exam on Equestrian history. She secretly knows that she should be studying but that isn’t very amusing. Blasting off zombie pony heads is the way to go, right?
“Rainbow, are you doing your schoolwork?” her father called from downstairs.
“Yes”, lied Rainbow
“I can borrow Fluttershy’s notes and study on the bus tomorrow” Rainbow Dash making an consideration. “I mean how hard can that exam be?”
Her father sighed on the living room couch, part of him knew that his daughter is being untruthful and he wanted to step in. However that almost always leads to an unnecessary battle ending it with Rainbow in tears. He doesn’t have physical the power to deal with a crying filly tonight, thank you doubled work shifts. While the other half of him wanted her to see the consequences for not buckling down and study. But he still didn’t want her to fail, sometimes it’s tough being a single dad.
The Next Day
7:43 am
“RAINBOW”
“RAINBOW, WAKE UP OR YOUR GOING TO MISS THE BUS” her father screamed from the kitchen. Rainbow over slept from nearly staying up the whole night Zombie Kill 4502, the “one” more level was a lie.
“Oh snap, I better rushed if I get Fluttershy’s notes.” She thought as looked at The Wonder Bolts alarm clock. “The bus will be here in about 20 minutes”
She dashed to the shower, for the quickest shower she ever had. After that it was 7:49 am and she needed take the 15 minute flight . “Looks like I’m not getting a breakfast today, hope dad doesn’t freak.” Dash said to herself as she packed her saddlebag with pens, paper and her Game Colt with Zombie Kill 4502, the usual school gear a student needs. She rushed to the door of her cloud home. Before yelling bye to her dad drinking his coffee in the kitchen, prior to work as a weather pony.
“Rainbow, you need to-“
“Slam”
The door slammed hard as his daughter left in a hurry.
“Eat breakfast” with an angry sigh the navy stallion, “She’s going to have a hard day”
“You’re not going to make it”
“You’re not going to make it”
“I can’t make it”
Rainbow told herself as flew as fast her tiny wings carried her. She’s been at the halfway point to the bus stop but there is no way she could it get there in time. If she didn’t get the notes she will for sure get an “F” or maybe something worse.
“This is what you Rainbow deserve for being an idiot. I’m not gonna get to the bus stop and now use Fluttershy’s notes, your just stupid” Rainbow Dash coldly put herself down.
Flying a bit longer Rainbow spotted the stop... with the bus… just leaving. The filly couldn’t help but feel the rage growing inside her.
‘ '"Well, great. Now I'm gonna be tardy, and not only that, but I'll have a detention. How wonderful," she said facetiously.Rainbow has been warned on countless times not to be late from her teacher Mr. Trotter. The Pegasus filly groaned and continued flying to school.
“Miss. Dash, thank you for kindly joining us.” Mr. Trotter the 4th grade teacher replied as the out of breathe pony burst the in the classroom arriving 20 minutes late. “I’ll be seeing you after school”. Rainbow hung her head in shame as she took her seat in the very back next to Fluttershy.
“Like I was saying, there’s class trip to a Wonder Bolts at the end of this month. If interest there’s forms on the back table and the tickets are $40 each. If you have-“.
“Knock, knock”. Came from the classroom door.
Mr. Trotter let out a groan annoyed with last interruption and muttered something under his breath as he went to answer the door. He opened the door to Mrs. Perry the principal, they spoke for a bit before Mr. Trotter stepped out, closing the door behind them. Moments after Mr. Trotter returned to the class alongside with a gray coated with a blonde mane filly.
“Everyone, this is Ditzy Doo, she came all the way from Fillydelphia. So please make her feel welcome, Ditzy you take your seat by Rainbow, she’s the with the rainbow mane. “Well duh, captain obvious” Rainbow rolling her eyes.
Ditzy made her to seat that’s when Rainbow notice an odd detail about the newest classmate. Something felt off about her, what it is? Rainbow trying to be causal to towards the matter glared around the room, slowly returning her gaze to Ditzy’s green eyes. Then the discovery went down hard and smacked her firmly, it’s her eyes.
“Holy crap, her eyeballs are point in different directions. Ones up and the other one is pointing down. It’s so messed up almost creepy. Was she born like that or is she doing it on purpose, whatever the reason is, it’s totally weird. Can she even see like that? Should I ask her about it… no I can't asked her about it haven’t even talked to her yet.” Rainbow thought to herself with confusion and curiosity.
“Umm… Rainbow w-what are you looking… if you don’t m-mind telling me” Fluttershy observing her BPFF (Best Pony Friend Forever) staring at Ditzy which is starting to get strange. Rainbow was in between Ditzy and Fluttershy, which explains why Flutters couldn’t see Ditzy’s eye condition.
Rainbow realized what she was doing and rapidly putting an end to it. Luckily Ditzy’s right eye up to the ceiling, so she couldn’t have seen paying attention to Rainbow’s gazes.
“Umm, I’ll tell you at recess, Flutters” Rainbow whispered to her BPFF. Not wanting to them to talk about Ditzy with her there.
“The test is going to be after recess and also the test is going to be 50% of your grade. So I hope your all prepared” Mr. Trotter announce to the class.
“I’m so screwed, Fluttershy better hoof over her notes or I might fail and be a loser weather pony”.
Ah, I enjoyed this episode. Watched.
It's a good premise, and you seem to have a fine grasp of plot, but your grammar needs lots and lots of work! There's no excuse for not using punctuation, and lots of the words are just... well... the wrong word. It kind of seemed like English might not be your first language.
950101
thanks for not being rude. I went back and fixed as much grammar as i could i hope its better. btw english is my first language .
950156 I don't watch the Simpsons. I'm a Family Guy. BTW, this story has potental, but it needs a teensy bit of correcting, like the J instead of an I. Or the "Rainbow too-- slam, "Eat breakfast".
I love the idea for your story as well. I hope you continue writing it.
Grammar needs work. Maybe find an editor? Editing is a big step.
I can be your editor, Maggi399. I'm very good at spell check, English is my first subject, so maybe I can be your editor.
950205>>950206
I like I said before I did do some correcting but I may missed some. Please show me what I do to make this better. Thanks
950268 "A cyan filly with a rainbow mane thought to herself as she played her newly brought video game in her poster covered of The Wonder Bolts room the night before that big, important and if you a low grade you’ll be screwed exam on history Equestrian."
“Yes” lied Rainbow" needs a comma after 'Yes' and a period at the end. "Her farther" needs to be fixed. "Beforeyelling" needs a space between them. "Rainbow you too"-- "Eat breakfast" needs to be fixed.
"Rainbow repeats to tell herself", repeat, tell herself, either one works alone. "This is what you Rainbow, deserve" doesn't need a comma. You just need to carefully reread it slowly, put commas where they're needed, get rid of others, etc.
Perhaps when you finish a chapter, send it to me for it to be proofread before publishing them.
950329
will do thanks
950426 No probs. How exactly will this work though?
950449
I could email you the chapter thorough your account if your ok with that
I love it :3 being a great fan of Rainbow Dash i don't think I have ever seen one of her in school...oh wait yes i have lol anyways can't wait to see moar
(btw story was 'my roommate is a pony')
950478 You could send it to me into my Inbox on my FimFiction account, if that's what you mean.
950510
yep I really do need to work on my grammar
950537 So what you're saying is...I GOT THE JOB???
yes and you get a free derpy
I passed! I passed! I passed! I passed! I passed! I passed!
I kissed the teacher? *spits on ground*
When I was younger I had a vhs of the Simpsons. "Bart gets an F" was one of two episodes that was on the tape. The other one was the "Haunted Tree house of Horror". I watched the hell out of that tape.
While I do agree with the previous comments about grammar, spelling, and other mistakes, I won't repeat them. Otherwise, this story has a fairly solid start and I look forward to reading more of it.
953080
Ok now Im going to use that in my story lol
It's still not fixed. "Yes" . lied Rainbow.' You still need to fix "farther" instead of father. The "Rainbow you too" is still not fixed. This chapter isn't fixed, so you can't call it that. But, um, if that's what you want to call it, that's fine...
956115
thanks for letting me know., I just went thorough it again and fixed them. I hope its improve thanks a brunch for doing this
956721 Ok, you fixed alot of the errors, but I still see more ones: The "too" in "Rainbow, you need too" has to be corrected. After the characters say their lines, they need commas. You also need to inject periods as well at the end of the sentences. That's all so far.
950329
I fixed again, once again thanks0!!
959777 The "Rainbow you need too" needs to be a "to" instead. Seriously, is this how they write it where you live?
961455
It what word said
961455
fixed done finish
fc03.deviantart.net/fs40/f/2009/038/f/9/Angry_Video_Games_Nerd_by_LecJackS.gif
Is this... yes! It's a fan fiction that, despite its grammar and spelling, is actually pretty good!
961736 Alright, it's perfect now.
964502
In the words of flutter shy yay
This is AMAZING. I've been looking for a filly Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy story for a while. I am a Flutter Dash, or Rainbow Shy, fan afterall. Trixie would love this too
-Trollestia Approves -
I love this story! I'd imagine Rainbow would act like that.
Other than the grammar (even though I shouldn't be talking, mines not all that great either on my story ) Its great.
This is an atrocity. I cannot believe the grammar.
That's one freaky couch.
Out-of-context sentence FTW! (The good kind.)
404: Semicolon not found.
lolwut? I thought this was in Rainbow's point-of-view. Correction: "If I don't get the notes I'll get an 'F' for sure. Or maybe something worse."
Capitalized prefix FTW! (Also the good kind.)
Correction: '"This is what you deserve, Rainbow, for being an idiot. I'm not gonna get to the bus stop and use Fluttershy's notes now. You're just stupid," Rainbow said to herself.'
Correction: '"Well, great. Now I'n gonna be tardy, and not only that, but I'll have a detention. How wonderful," she said facetiously.'
Seat.
She asked about it, but she didn't talk to her yet? Not okay.
964502 You said it's perfect? This is the first chapter.
That's about it. Good story, bad grammar. kthxbai.
2090549
I fixed them, thanks didn't even realize they more errors, Grammar is not my forte.Grammer is hard for me because of my disablity.
961724 Okay, response to old comment time! 'To' is for 'I'm going to the store'. 'Two' is the number. 'Too' is for sentences like 'Oh, pick up some eggs, and some milk, too.' That's, like, 5th grade basic grammar... Come on, people, don't be lazy. (Not saying that you are!)
No offense of anything but your grammar is some of the worst I've seen. 500 bits says I can find a spelling or grammar issue in every single paragraph of chapter 1.
Easy enough to understand, story is good so far and has my interest
noo derpy has one eye that is erm "special" and one eye thats fine