FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! cliff hanger!!! things i cant wait to read in the next chapters! 1 harmony and ashleys conversation as to why harmony bucked up 2 ashley waking up 3 tia and luna realizing they bucked up the wards just to see inside it 4 the said abduction! 5 ashley riot goes RIOT for invading his mind! ponies you gone bucked! xenophobic twats!
things i cant wait to read in the next chapters! 1 harmony and ashleys conversation as to why harmony bucked up 2 ashley waking up 3 tia and luna realizing they bucked up the wards just to see inside it 4 the said abduction! 5 ashley riot goes RIOT for invading his mind! ponies you gone bucked! xenophobic twats!
I think I can answer a few already - as they already were answered in-story. 1 will happen later down the story, in one of the Reminiscence chapters 2 yay indeed 3 they already realized, as well as the bearers - but now comes what they fear most: facing the one responsible who's coming for them 4 it'll be handled next chapter 5 this is what will be shown - and i hope to make it justice properly. 6 yep, they done goofed 7 the xenophobic twats aren't the majority, but two minorities seeking power for their own designs... hehehe, the two groups of them competing. What fun!
I am at chapter 4 at the moment and for what I can say it certainly looks like it's building up to an epic fight with all the mystery and foreshadowing that is building up. This could be an interesting story but I have some gripes about the way the story structure is done as it tends to be heavy in exposition with little actual character development in the say which tends to make the characters sound flat and just acting out a role rather then living it. The flashback fight with the Warden would have been better if it had been kept sort with the details kept low to keep his impossible feats was wondrous as impossible with Celestia just mentioning that she lost a great many friends and loyal subjects in that day. At the moment I am not sure what purpose having the warden previously was humans would have any even to the story and could easily be removed all together and just have him being a pony or or something else in a previous life still need to look over the rest of the story, and despite some of its dryness it does have an interesting mystery to it.
I am at chapter 4 at the moment and for what I can say it certainlylooks like it's building up to an epic fight with all the mystery andforeshadowing that is building up.
I am happy to see that my humble attempt/exercise at making a novel-length story drew your attention enough to make a comment on it.
This could be an interesting storybut I have some gripes about the way the story structure is done as ittends to be heavy in exposition with little actual character developmentin the say which tends to make the characters sound flat and justacting out a role rather then living it.
I deeply thank you for your feedback concerning characterization, which in fact is one of the things I've been struggling with in order to keep them canon-worthy, both for MLP verse as well as VS verse. And while I appreciate compliments, I much prefer feedback. Without it, one cannot learn and grow upon it.
However, if you could highlight a paragraph or sentence that shows the 'dryness', I'd be deeply grateful. Even more so if you show an example as to how to 'moisten' it.
The flashback fight with theWarden would have been better if it had been kept sort with the detailskept low to keep his impossible feats was wondrous as impossible withCelestia just mentioning that she lost a great many friends and loyalsubjects in that day.
Both characterization and the flashback will be things I'll have to inquire with my editor when he's got time, as up to chapter four it has been edited out. Maybe the fact that I'm not exactly 'passionate' may have a factor in this. And I agree, these chapters so far have been too 'expositiony', but they have a purpose in accordance with the plotting I have made for this story.
The tidbit about Celestia I'll have to see if it can be made more obvious, as I thought I had made it clear enough - that yes, she saw firsthand the potential power, and lost many ponies in that doomed day with her being the sole survivor under a curse to this day, and regretted having made her decision under rage back then. Rage upon which interested parties took full advantage of. She knows she screwed up, and cannot do a thing about it - not back then, not even now.
At the moment I am not sure what purpose having the warden previously was humans would have any even to the story and could easily be removed all together and just have him being a pony oror something else in a previous life still need to look over the rest ofthe story,
The decision about him being human has to do with several factors: first, Conflict.
The human mindset is alien compared to these equines despite the similarities - and that was and will be another clashing point. Their exposure to his life against their will was meant as a device for the ponies to realize just how much they do not understand him, even as they found several points in common. Even as his 'essense' changed towards an equine counterpart permanently, he'll be wanting to keep a hold of his dwindling humanity, as that is the only thing he had left that reminded him of his former life.
Becoming a native, or monster, or a god, was not something that he'd seek at all – thus that is how we see him at the beginning of the story: working as a humble metalsmith despite his connections due to age and influence. That alone tells you all you need about him. Why was he caught up in surprise by Harmony’s plan? Those things will be salt-peppered through the story, as the main storyline finally moves on into a more active one.
One with Iron Ash as the main actor, as this story is about him and the personal conflict that he’ll be subjected to.
Him being forced-changed into an pony analogue tore right into this self-image, his attempts at remaining true to his roots while adapting. This and more will be shown later on, as it is important.
To be fair, I was going with what could be thought of as his 'canon' depiction, with plenty of characterization added in order to give sense.
I'm still working in that, as he'd changed since the start, and his humanity was something he cherished with passion – down to the point of fighting for humankind’s right to remain human when facing a mad god.
If it had come to his choice, he'd rather have gone to another world under his own volition - but alas, that's something that'll be handled later on.
Concerning your statement about he'd been better off ponified, if not being someone else altogether?
It misses the purpose of this story, which is a play on Displaced tropes in order to bring a story that breaks several trends concerning them. This is not a wish-fulfillment story, a 'human wishes to abandon his humanity and embrace equinity' like many others do here, nor a regular 'Joe Smith, a random teen is transformed into his suit' crap, or a trolling fic.
I thought to myself: ‘What if a character from another ‘verse showed up in ours, lived his life as calmly as possible… only to get entangled in the Displacers’ actions entirely on accident? And how should I go about it to make it both entertaining, and an exercise in showing internal conflict?
So, with this I hope to depict a ‘realistic’ take on what would someone who lost his humanity when taking up a power, one that wasn't meant for human beings to be burdened with. This while being constantly gnawed inside by his continuous desire to belong and rebuild his life with fellow humans, with his view that 'humanity' in its whole is something to be cherished and preserved. In short, being an outsider even to his own people. Never fitting in, never having a place for himself where he can fully be.
Besides, the purpose of showing his strength ahead of time is just to show how much he lost... and even then, how threatening he can still be with what little he has left. This will come into play, along with the entities that he sealed, and what he was thinking in doing so. That’ll come later, of course.
and despite some of its dryness it does have an interestingmystery to it.
Thank you for the compliment – as my goal was to allow the audience to get to know Ash from both ponies and Ash’s point of view. It may have been handled better? I am certain. How could someone else handle it? I don’t know. *shrugs*
As to the dryness: Hmmm. I’ll have to see into it – since as you know, authors are usually blind to their faults… and I thought I had done a great effort at keeping characterization in ‘narrative showing’, this is the type of story I’d like to read and usually read on my free time.
I write for myself, mostly – with the audience being a beneficiary in the process. ;)
Though I have to ask: why leave the comment in the latest chapter, when you're currently at chapter four?
To make matters even more hilarious? Play Vagrant Story, or read the TVtropes page of it, and you'll see how they reach the same conclusion: He's a broken, OP monster of a playable character in the first playthrough, when most people would only unlock about half of what he's capable of. And it is awesome. Well, for me at least. That game's a gem.
I will welcome your reply, as the first to have questioned many of the choices made and my attempt at characterization.
HOLY CRAP!!! THIS IS NOT DEAD!! PRAISE FAN FICTION JESUS!!! xD
8888546
Praise him indeed.
Got things figured out now, I hope to be more productive in the near future.
8571772
Just in case you didn't receive the notification, there is a new chapter. Enjoy!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! cliff hanger!!!
things i cant wait to read in the next chapters!
1 harmony and ashleys conversation as to why harmony bucked up
2 ashley waking up
3 tia and luna realizing they bucked up the wards just to see inside it
4 the said abduction!
5 ashley riot goes RIOT for invading his mind!
ponies you gone bucked!
xenophobic twats!
8901282
You'll be happy to learn that I'm currently down at 3900 words aprox right into the next chapter.
I'll see to reward your patience and of those who had asked before about progress by releasing this next chapter as soon as I'm done with it.
Thank you for your interest, and am happy to see that I've caught up your attention once again.
And as for the questions you wish to see answers to...
You'll see in its due time.
8901282
I think I can answer a few already - as they already were answered in-story.
1 will happen later down the story, in one of the Reminiscence chapters
2 yay indeed
3 they already realized, as well as the bearers - but now comes what they fear most: facing the one responsible who's coming for them
4 it'll be handled next chapter
5 this is what will be shown - and i hope to make it justice properly.
6 yep, they done goofed
7 the xenophobic twats aren't the majority, but two minorities seeking power for their own designs... hehehe, the two groups of them competing. What fun!
Thank you for your patronage!
8901368
I am at chapter 4 at the moment and for what I can say it certainly looks like it's building up to an epic fight with all the mystery and foreshadowing that is building up. This could be an interesting story but I have some gripes about the way the story structure is done as it tends to be heavy in exposition with little actual character development in the say which tends to make the characters sound flat and just acting out a role rather then living it. The flashback fight with the Warden would have been better if it had been kept sort with the details kept low to keep his impossible feats was wondrous as impossible with Celestia just mentioning that she lost a great many friends and loyal subjects in that day. At the moment I am not sure what purpose having the warden previously was humans would have any even to the story and could easily be removed all together and just have him being a pony or or something else in a previous life still need to look over the rest of the story, and despite some of its dryness it does have an interesting mystery to it.
8914724
I am happy to see that my humble attempt/exercise at making a novel-length story drew your attention enough to make a comment on it.
I deeply thank you for your feedback concerning characterization, which in fact is one of the things I've been struggling with in order to keep them canon-worthy, both for MLP verse as well as VS verse. And while I appreciate compliments, I much prefer feedback. Without it, one cannot learn and grow upon it.
However, if you could highlight a paragraph or sentence that shows the 'dryness', I'd be deeply grateful. Even more so if you show an example as to how to 'moisten' it.
Both characterization and the flashback will be things I'll have to inquire with my editor when he's got time, as up to chapter four it has been edited out. Maybe the fact that I'm not exactly 'passionate' may have a factor in this. And I agree, these chapters so far have been too 'expositiony', but they have a purpose in accordance with the plotting I have made for this story.
The tidbit about Celestia I'll have to see if it can be made more obvious, as I thought I had made it clear enough - that yes, she saw firsthand the potential power, and lost many ponies in that doomed day with her being the sole survivor under a curse to this day, and regretted having made her decision under rage back then. Rage upon which interested parties took full advantage of. She knows she screwed up, and cannot do a thing about it - not back then, not even now.
The decision about him being human has to do with several factors: first, Conflict.
The human mindset is alien compared to these equines despite the similarities - and that was and will be another clashing point. Their exposure to his life against their will was meant as a device for the ponies to realize just how much they do not understand him, even as they found several points in common. Even as his 'essense' changed towards an equine counterpart permanently, he'll be wanting to keep a hold of his dwindling humanity, as that is the only thing he had left that reminded him of his former life.
Becoming a native, or monster, or a god, was not something that he'd seek at all – thus that is how we see him at the beginning of the story: working as a humble metalsmith despite his connections due to age and influence. That alone tells you all you need about him. Why was he caught up in surprise by Harmony’s plan? Those things will be salt-peppered through the story, as the main storyline finally moves on into a more active one.
One with Iron Ash as the main actor, as this story is about him and the personal conflict that he’ll be subjected to.
Him being forced-changed into an pony analogue tore right into this self-image, his attempts at remaining true to his roots while adapting. This and more will be shown later on, as it is important.
To be fair, I was going with what could be thought of as his 'canon' depiction, with plenty of characterization added in order to give sense.
I'm still working in that, as he'd changed since the start, and his humanity was something he cherished with passion – down to the point of fighting for humankind’s right to remain human when facing a mad god.
If it had come to his choice, he'd rather have gone to another world under his own volition - but alas, that's something that'll be handled later on.
Concerning your statement about he'd been better off ponified, if not being someone else altogether?
It misses the purpose of this story, which is a play on Displaced tropes in order to bring a story that breaks several trends concerning them. This is not a wish-fulfillment story, a 'human wishes to abandon his humanity and embrace equinity' like many others do here, nor a regular 'Joe Smith, a random teen is transformed into his suit' crap, or a trolling fic.
I thought to myself: ‘What if a character from another ‘verse showed up in ours, lived his life as calmly as possible… only to get entangled in the Displacers’ actions entirely on accident? And how should I go about it to make it both entertaining, and an exercise in showing internal conflict?
So, with this I hope to depict a ‘realistic’ take on what would someone who lost his humanity when taking up a power, one that wasn't meant for human beings to be burdened with. This while being constantly gnawed inside by his continuous desire to belong and rebuild his life with fellow humans, with his view that 'humanity' in its whole is something to be cherished and preserved. In short, being an outsider even to his own people. Never fitting in, never having a place for himself where he can fully be.
Besides, the purpose of showing his strength ahead of time is just to show how much he lost... and even then, how threatening he can still be with what little he has left. This will come into play, along with the entities that he sealed, and what he was thinking in doing so. That’ll come later, of course.
Thank you for the compliment – as my goal was to allow the audience to get to know Ash from both ponies and Ash’s point of view. It may have been handled better? I am certain. How could someone else handle it? I don’t know. *shrugs*
As to the dryness: Hmmm. I’ll have to see into it – since as you know, authors are usually blind to their faults… and I thought I had done a great effort at keeping characterization in ‘narrative showing’, this is the type of story I’d like to read and usually read on my free time.
I write for myself, mostly – with the audience being a beneficiary in the process. ;)
Though I have to ask: why leave the comment in the latest chapter, when you're currently at chapter four?
To make matters even more hilarious? Play Vagrant Story, or read the TVtropes page of it, and you'll see how they reach the same conclusion: He's a broken, OP monster of a playable character in the first playthrough, when most people would only unlock about half of what he's capable of. And it is awesome. Well, for me at least. That game's a gem.
I will welcome your reply, as the first to have questioned many of the choices made and my attempt at characterization.