The Good Fandom Man

by Jake Witt

Season 1 Episode... Something Involving Rarity.

Spike, still a massive Humungosaur-Dragon hybrid, allowed me to join him on his way to Carousel Boutique to meet his crush... who returns his affections at times because of my nanites giving him his beefy form. His Spike Knight day dream he should be having today, assuming the diamond dogs are involved, would have his skull crushed between this Spike's thighs.

"So what does Rarity want with you?" I ask, fully aware that I'm asking for exposition.

"Nothing much really," he replied with a shrug. "She needs somebody to dig up the gems she finds."

"For dresses?"

Spike looked down at me, "Who still puts gems on dresses? I guess enchanting them into a fashionable shield for the wearer can make sense..."

"Enchanting gems? When was that a thing?!"

Spike glances my way, his left claws twitching. "Since the second war on humanity. Their fight with each other was tearing Equestria and Griffonstone apart so they developed the perfect cuts and spells for weapons to combat the humans. Their war ended when everyone got together to declare war on them."

"Is there a history book I can borrow?!" I ask, not noticing Spike moving Applejack's stand out of my way with one hand.

"I know I have comics with stories based on the war," his claws held high, he declared, "The Power Ponies and Saving Grace vs the Evil Captain America and his Avenger League of America!" I cringed at the odd combination. I was about to add my input when he through a punch in the air with a huge grin. "Radiance fighting two Green Lanterns! The Mistress Mare-velous dueling honesty lassos with the Vile Wonder Woman!"

I'm not sure if he saw my squinted eyes or was too big and excited to care.

"The Electrifying Zapp vs the Mighty Thor... could've been better. I still can't believe Fili-Second was so close to losing to their mutant hedgehog minions! Those mostly blue dudes filled an entire two pages and she still won!" We showed up at the Boutique and I was ready to knock. "I can hardly comprehend how Red Hulk killed Saddle Ranger! The Saddle Ranger!"

This peaked my interest, "Wait. What?!"

"But dang was he surprised when she returned as World Breaker Saddle Ranger! Can you believe it?!"

I looked down at my Chrome Ultimatrix, the Hulk icon floating over it and glowing a very bright green. Am... AM I TRIGGERED, RIGHT NOW?! I turned the ring to see a very beefy Base Form Cell. Oh my gosh, this dragon geek is triggering me! "Should I knock... or...?"

Spike's fist flew through the door. If Sweetie Belle was any taller... I don't want to know! "Sorry, Sweetie!"

---

"Harder!" I cried. "I said harder, dang it! Work your hips!"

"How would that help?!" Rarity shouted, her mane frazzled.

"It helps you swing down faster!" Spike replied, using both fists.

"THIS WAS NOT THE TYPE OF HARVESTING I HAD IN MIND!" Sweetie screamed from below.

My Homeworld Gem and Diamond Head hybrid regenerated every shard taken off of me. Not even Spike could keep up with the rapid growth of my outer gem layer. I continued to rapidly fire shards into the pile of doors Spike broke. My DNA cooking led me to believe that Chromastone's influence on Diamond Head's race made their gem bodies have the capacity of physical change beyond shape and growing more gems made from them. I used the Homeworld Gem Collective DNA to give this hybrid the ability to change into any type of gem within my knowledge.

Because my core was a conduit instead of one stone on top of a light form, I could contain more knowledge than any two-gem fusion or brain could contain. I rapidly cycled through so many colors and types and clarities presented in Rarity's book on gemstones. Diamonds, Pearls, Opals, Jaspers, Topaz, Emerald, and so many others!

Sweetie clumsily chipped away at my chin and neck area while Spike wailed on my back, breaking chunks off and pausing long enough for my core to shield itself. Rarity went to work on my arms, switching every-so-often as she chipped pieces off the arm not firing at broken doors. "Alright, stop!"

Everyone stood as I reverted to normal, falling on my face. I dumped a cure potion on my head, getting back up brand new. Spike looked at me, "That was weird."

"That wasn't as painful as I imagined," I tucked in my shirt and smoothed my hair to my right and returning my ability to glance up. "Alright, I will send my bill."

Rarity frowned, "Your bill?"

"I need to help pay rent since the Royal Treasury is on lockdown," I informed her, passing a scroll from the princess. "Apparently a piece of the Sonic Hedgehog Herd believe they should control the Elements of Harmony; even going as far as to test those who want to join."

Sweetie arched an eyebrow, "What do those vermin have to do with the locked treasury?"

"Well, my ultimatrix has been getting news from an unknown source," I pulled up the holographic paper. "According to this 'Timely TARDIS,' some treasure along with the element of loyalty was stolen. Most of the loot including Rainbow's element was recovered."

"Wait," Spike pulled my arm up to his eye level. "What is Hum Drum doing there?!"

"I could ask why Achmed the Dead Terrorist is there, too. I don't see him and his... Jose jalapenjo sword running with that crowd."

"That skeleton is a thief AND A TERRORIST! This is..." she swooned on her couch. Sweetie Belle and I sucked in a breath as the three of us shouted, "THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!" She narrowed her eyes, "Rude."

---

MEANWHILE...

Underground far away, three large bipedal dogs of various sizes sat in a circle. "Five. Five tiny gems," the biggest one said sadly.

"I wish there was a magic spell to find gemstones so we can have more of the precious gems hiding out of our grasp," a tiny one said hopping in place. He stopped, "But we have no magic..."

The medium sized one was about to say something when the sound of metallic wheezing echoed through the caverns along with displeased howls of many other Diamond Dogs. The noise stopped once the medium dog stood, "What was-"

A brown stallion rushed past them, followed by armored dogs. As they were distracted a human kicked the three to the ground in one swift, impossible spinning kick. The dogs watched as a pair of red converse touched the ground, kicking dust. Their eyes traveled up the brown suit pants, the large stylized wolf belt buckle, following up the pinstripe coat hiding suspenders. Their eyes followed to a bedazzled purple bow tie then down his left arm when they heard a buzzing coming from underneath a fez, which was flicked to reveal a shiny light stick.

"Are you seriously still looking at my sonic screwdriver?" the guy asked. He slapped the small dog with his free hand but got no response. He fastened the fez to his head. "I practice that for almost a year and-"

The stallion returned, "I don't see Rarity, Doc." Doc tossed the fez onto the stallion's head.

Doc frowned, "Not even that? I wasn't even-"

"Doc, we have a discrepancy in time."

"Well, let's book it, Doctor," he was stopped by six paws latching onto his arm. "Go ahead, I'll catch up."

The Doctor trotted off as Doc swung the Diamond Dogs over his head, changing his stance to make the larger one land on his smaller buddies, effectively removing them long enough to run through the cavern and into a blue police box. "Have I told you how much I love these Cyberman arms?"

He entered the box, closing the wooden door. It was bigger on the inside with a console in the center having its buttons pressed by the Doctor. The lighting made the gold of his hourglass cutiemark gleam. The Doctor fixed his suit collar and orange tie, "Those Diamond Dogs are more grabby than originally. I sort of want to leave a parting gift."

"It can't be that bad."

"Remember what the Cybermares did to stop your transforming? how you initially felt when they were cyberforming your constantly regenerating body?"

Doc pulled his sleeve to show the silver right arm housing a second sonic screwdriver, "I am the Doctor Ten and Half 2.0. I am the Doc... and the exposition...?"

"Let's say they don't cyberform and we can leave Maze Rory here."

"Oh? Ooooooh."

Nothing howled at the moon that night. Rory was released into the night... luckily for the world at large, he died of a heart attack.