Don't mean to be critical within an hour of the story being published... but using lots of 'tab's to get the signature on the letter on the right was a mistake. On most mobile devices or smaller monitors it puts parts of the thing on the right and parts on the left. Since FimFiction doesn't allow you to right align things trying to put stuff on that side is doomed to failure. I actually had to switch to a desktop to make sure that was the case here. You're really better of keeping them on the left, maybe double 'tab' the "Signed" and triple 'tab' the actual signature. That gives the same effect without buggering it up on all but the tiniest screens.
"Hope it's 'important' important. Ever since Aunt Luna got over the whole Nightmare Moon spiel, those two have acted like a pair of little fillies more often than not; roughhousing, swiping each others desserts, prank wars. It's great that their catching up on a thousand years, but I'd rather stay out of the mayhem those two can think up."
There is no way of telling who is speaking here... and as a reader I kinda really wanna know who is referring to Luna as "Aunt". It sort of impacts the dynamic of their relationships ya know? I mean Spike later calls Celestia "mom" but the whole sibling thing between Spike and Dusk could be wrangled to explain a similar relationship for Dusk. On a related note, you need to work on scene changes. Going from talking in Golden Oaks to talking to Celestia in the throne room with an unknown number of witnesses with only a bold "Canterlot Palace" really doesn't cut it. The first six paragraphs of that scene made it seem like they were having a private meeting elsewhere in the palace... by the end of the chapter we still don't know who all was there.
I'll admit this is the first story I've personally read where: 1) we have a R63 Twilight with normal Spike as his brother. 2) Spike calls Celestia his "mother" 3) we have a R63 version of Flash Sentry named Flare Warden. I accept the name as fanon!
In lieu of your ascension, and getting the Element of Magic back,
"In lieu" means "in the place of" or "instead of". Such as in: "In lieu of the trip you won, we will give you a cash prize of equivalent value," or "in lieu of birthday presents, please donate to Canada Blood Services."
Well this looks like it will be a interesting story, and i do like the premise, i just hope this doesn't go down the obvious path of Dusk getting the rest of the Main Six and Spike the CMC, and i hope that you decide to mix things up a little, to keep things interesting.
On the other hand i do like the idea of Sunset Shimmer and even Flare Warden (which says alot since i hate her male version) being paired with Dusk does catch my interest quite a bit more.
Either way good luck
(Edit) Maybe i Should explain, it is not like i don't like Dusk or Twilight being parried with any of the Main Six, it is just that i am burned out of harem's using the five for Twilight/Dusk without a twist to it, heck i have even seen stories with that harem layout and this same type of Plot only this time it is Dusk. I will admit i will say that having Spike get his own harem too adds some flavor but i really never got why he was shipped with the CMC (other then Sweetie Belle) for any other reason then them being in the same age group, which is a bit moot to me now that there all adults.
Either way i just hope that the path taken for this story is going to mix it up then just go for the easy to guess characters, i mean we do have a great number of both Side and Background characters with there own fun personality's that could be used and a number of which have there own friendships and connections to Dusk Shine. In fact that is reason was why i so happy and excited to read about both Sunset Shimmer and Flare Warden being mentioned in the beginning of the chapter to be attracted to Dusk in this story and i really hope that the writer follows up on that latter on. (End Edit)
Nice start.
Don't mean to be critical within an hour of the story being published... but using lots of 'tab's to get the signature on the letter on the right was a mistake. On most mobile devices or smaller monitors it puts parts of the thing on the right and parts on the left. Since FimFiction doesn't allow you to right align things trying to put stuff on that side is doomed to failure. I actually had to switch to a desktop to make sure that was the case here. You're really better of keeping them on the left, maybe double 'tab' the "Signed" and triple 'tab' the actual signature. That gives the same effect without buggering it up on all but the tiniest screens.
There is no way of telling who is speaking here... and as a reader I kinda really wanna know who is referring to Luna as "Aunt". It sort of impacts the dynamic of their relationships ya know? I mean Spike later calls Celestia "mom" but the whole sibling thing between Spike and Dusk could be wrangled to explain a similar relationship for Dusk.
On a related note, you need to work on scene changes. Going from talking in Golden Oaks to talking to Celestia in the throne room with an unknown number of witnesses with only a bold "Canterlot Palace" really doesn't cut it. The first six paragraphs of that scene made it seem like they were having a private meeting elsewhere in the palace... by the end of the chapter we still don't know who all was there.
The perils of talking in public.
I'll admit this is the first story I've personally read where:
1) we have a R63 Twilight with normal Spike as his brother.
2) Spike calls Celestia his "mother"
3) we have a R63 version of Flash Sentry named Flare Warden. I accept the name as fanon!
SO, is Spike aged up in this?
So, does Spike have to find three as well?
*Eyes the CMC tag* Ooh!
"In lieu" means "in the place of" or "instead of". Such as in: "In lieu of the trip you won, we will give you a cash prize of equivalent value," or "in lieu of birthday presents, please donate to Canada Blood Services."
At least, Spike, wasn't the one that got R34. Sexy for pics? Yes. But a real kick in the nuts. Literally!
Good start!
Well this looks like it will be a interesting story, and i do like the premise, i just hope this doesn't go down the obvious path of Dusk getting the rest of the Main Six and Spike the CMC, and i hope that you decide to mix things up a little, to keep things interesting.
On the other hand i do like the idea of Sunset Shimmer and even Flare Warden (which says alot since i hate her male version) being paired with Dusk does catch my interest quite a bit more.
Either way good luck
(Edit)
Maybe i Should explain, it is not like i don't like Dusk or Twilight being parried with any of the Main Six, it is just that i am burned out of harem's using the five for Twilight/Dusk without a twist to it, heck i have even seen stories with that harem layout and this same type of Plot only this time it is Dusk.
I will admit i will say that having Spike get his own harem too adds some flavor but i really never got why he was shipped with the CMC (other then Sweetie Belle) for any other reason then them being in the same age group, which is a bit moot to me now that there all adults.
Either way i just hope that the path taken for this story is going to mix it up then just go for the easy to guess characters, i mean we do have a great number of both Side and Background characters with there own fun personality's that could be used and a number of which have there own friendships and connections to Dusk Shine.
In fact that is reason was why i so happy and excited to read about both Sunset Shimmer and Flare Warden being mentioned in the beginning of the chapter to be attracted to Dusk in this story and i really hope that the writer follows up on that latter on.
(End Edit)
Spike & dusk are about to get surrounded by girls......ever guys dream
*They're.
No closing quotation marks.
No closing quotation marks.