Sunset's life has taken a turn for the worst. A Mystable profile by the name of Anon-a-miss has been spreading secrets and everyone is blaming her. Left abandoned she considers suicide that is until Fluttershy's older brother comes to town...
Not bad, but I think you need to work on your dialog a bit. Rainbow doesn't speak formally unless she's mocking that style of speech and Rarity generally has a more intricate form of vocabulary.
For example instead of this: “Yes indeed Flutters mentioned you many times. I’m Rainbow by the way.” Rainbow Dash said.
Rainbow's dialogue should sound something like this: "Yeah, Flutter's mentioned ya' a few times. About time I got to finally meet ya'!" Rainbow smirked as she held out a hand to shake. "Names Rainbow Dash by the way."
The way you wrote Rainbow's dialogue sounds like it would come out of Rarity instead of Rainbow.
It starts good. I’m looking forward to more.
I do play a small part in this like last time right?
9176457
Yes you do
9176494
Oh what a day.
WHAT A LOVELY DAY!
to be fair it could play out better now. I kinda went through a OC overhaul and made him better.
9176494
First off..you clever man
Second:tell me what he’s like now
Nice. Is the story going to go around the same direction as before, or is it going to be different now with it being rewritten?
9177011
Some minor elements of the original story will be inserted but other then that it’s an entirely new story
9177177
Alright
Can't wait to see what will occur next. :)
Not bad, but I think you need to work on your dialog a bit. Rainbow doesn't speak formally unless she's mocking that style of speech and Rarity generally has a more intricate form of vocabulary.
For example instead of this:
“Yes indeed Flutters mentioned you many times. I’m Rainbow by the way.” Rainbow Dash said.
Rainbow's dialogue should sound something like this:
"Yeah, Flutter's mentioned ya' a few times. About time I got to finally meet ya'!" Rainbow smirked as she held out a hand to shake. "Names Rainbow Dash by the way."
The way you wrote Rainbow's dialogue sounds like it would come out of Rarity instead of Rainbow.