Super Pony Roomies

by TheManehattanite

Match Making–Prologue: Fancy Meeting You Here

1

Dead silence. Even the stereo had gone quiet as it changed tracks. The only sound was the flickering of the Torch’s flames.

And then Twilight was squawking with laughter as Peter darted forward to hug her, new wings and all, just in time for the next song to kick in.

“Peter!”

“Holy cow!” He couldn’t stop smiling. He felt as if he’d been launched into orbit. He could feel her wings fluttering against him. “You…you’re beautiful!”

“What?! No, I’m not!” She was grinning back. “Come on!”

“You come on! What happened? I don’t care! You’re beautiful!”

Cheers and applause behind them, Pinkie Pie blowing a kazoo, Rarity bursting into tears in order to get a smidge of attention, the feel of Princess Celestia’s wings draping over them both.

The sound of Rainbow Dash tackling the doused Johnny to the floor and trying to reap some sort of revenge, which should have dampened the mood but eh, it was Johnny.

They’d been young and happy and flying high.

That had been almost a week ago. He’d had time to think since then.

2

And now he was fighting a mud-monster.

“Can’t you just bake them solid together?” Spider-Pony called, ducking behind a hanging bakery sign as a mudball cannoned into it. “We’re gonna be late!”

“Can’t crank it up that high with this many people around,” the Horseshoe Torch called back, swerving around a globular hoof morphed into a hammer. “And I get the feeling they kinda…want that?”

The Sandpony/Watermane abomination squelching towards them let out a gurgling noise that sounded uncomfortably like two voices howling down the same drain at once.

“Webbing’s useless!” Spidey grunted as he ducked the swinging hammer. “Never a cement mixer around when you need one!”

“wUuUuUgGgHhHhNnNn!” the Mudslinger moaned.

“Creepy.” Johnny conjured a small, literal firewall to buy them some breathing space. “Okay, are you guys in there? Can you understand us?”

The Mudslinger paused, swaying and dripping in front of the flames, then began to morph its misshapen head back and forth between it’s two creators. Eventually it let out another gurgle, Sandpony and Watermane’s heads growing out of the streaming mess that constituted its shoulders.

“Technically not a no,” the Torch concluded, flaring brighter as a warning. “So what’s the deal, guys? You can’t stand each other! Not unless the Warlock’s paying you to be on the same team. Is that what this is?”

“wUnNgH…” the Watermane head moaned.

“Huuuuuulp…” the Sandpony groaned.

“NUGH! wUunGh…”

“Today did not have to start like this,” Spidey muttered. The street was clearing of pedestrians, but it was only a matter of time before the authorities arrived and gave the creature even more targets. Which would eat up even more time. Also, taint the memory of this day even more.

This day was going to be PERFECT.

“No plan survives first contact with the enemy,” the Torch muttered. “Whoa!”

The entire right side of the Mudslinger’s body, the Watermane side, lunged at them through the firewall, howling either from the steam blooming from its mud or the solid spikes lancing out of it. The concrete the heroes had been standing on shattered as they leapt clear.

The Torch retaliated with a round of fireballs but the sludge the combined villains had turned themselves into was so sodden they were extinguished practically on contact, only succeeding in surrounding the Mudslinger with a swampy mist. “Do you have one yet?”

“One what?” Spidey called, sliding under an abandoned hay dog cart as the creature’s tail whipped into a street light, buckling it.

“A plan!” For his part Johnny began to whip around the Mudslinger as fast as he could given the confines of the street, trying to keep it distracted with his flaming contrail. “Y’know, our thing? Bounce one-liners off each other, suss the problem out? You do nerd stuff, I execute with flawless precision and take all the well-deserved credit?”

“I don’t know!” Spidey yelped as rock hard tipped mud-spears lanced into the wall he’d been perched on. He’d stuck there almost too long, given it a target.

“Say what?” Johnny skidded to a stop, his shock barely preventing him from missing a barrage of mudballs fired from the Watermane's side with hydraulic force. Glass and timber shattered somewhere offscreen.

“I said I don’t know!” Peter swung from a line, trying to stay off the ground as the creature flailed for both of them. “Man, last time Rarity and Pinkie Pie used the force of cleaning spells and making a mud pie out of it until Sandy and Maney just kinda…burst! The time before that, I was just lucky there was a tilt-a-whirl around!”

“Rarity, huh?” The Torch’s grin glowed with his flames as he superheated a nearby steam vent, managing to stall the composite creature by blowing it and the manhole it had been standing on about fifty feet up. “Yeah, she seems like she’s into…cleaning.”

“Focus!”

“Right back at ya!” Johnny drifted over to his roommate, putting a cooled hoof on his shoulder. “She’s gonna be happy to see you no matter what, Pete.”

The spider logo on his chest swelled as Peter sighed. “Today is maybe the biggest day of her life, man. And I’m out here doing…this!”

“Yeah. So do it.” Serious Johnny face. “Help me work this out. Sandy doesn’t want to be here almost as badly as you do, right? We can work that.”

“Augh!” Spidey kneaded the space between his lenses, pinched almost shut. Johnny was seriously going to have to ask how he got his mask to do that sometime without sounding like a dork. “I don’t…I don’t know. There’s nothing here my talent can see to improvise with.”

They both looked up as a shadow whipped past them, crashing down practically at the other end of the block. The erupting mudpile froze halfway through tossing itself into the air and over the walls, beginning to pull itself back in a slow but determined reverse explosion.

“sKwWwUuUuUgHsSsHhAaGh!”

“HUUUUULP MUUUUGH!”

Spider-Pony flinched at the sound of one of his oldest enemies desperate gurgling. “You’re…you’re right, Mane’s doing all the work here…”

“Can we use Sandy to separate them? From the inside?”

“I don’t… Ugh, if we had some equipment, maybe. The problem is both their elements, they’re making one now, so it’s the two of them rattling around in there. If we could just isolate their soul molecules…”

“That’s their minds, right?” Johnny’s eyes narrowed as they raced towards the almost reformed monstrosity. “There’s like a grain or a…puddle or whatever, but that’s them? And the rest is just sand or water?”

“Yeah!” Spidey was weaving a web-net over the creature from his perch on a street light, for all the good it’d do. “What’re you thinking?”

“Tug of war,” the Torch smirked. “Three against one. Flint! Flint Heart! You in there?!”

The Mudslinger growled, pouring its way out between the micro-thin strands in the webbing, a bubble with desperate features growing out of its forehead. “hUuUuLlLlPpPp…”

“We will!” Johnny coaxed. “Just a hoof and a head will do! Try!”

“Think I’m gonna hurl…” Spidey groaned as the Mudslinger crammed a furious hoof against the side of its head, trying to shove its better half back into the torture pit of its consciousness.

Like some gruesome parody of a centaur a sodden, familiar torso mushroomed out of the creature’s back, its rippling head tightening into the snarling features of Moor Brush as Flint Heart’s prominent brow and cornrow mane began to take shape. Even his trademark green hoodie began to melt it’s way free. “H-help me…he’s outta his mind! I think she mixed somethin’ into him! Some kinda love potion! He’s tryin’ to pull me back in!”

“WUUUUUUN!” Watermane bellowed through the Mudsligner’s mouth. Something pink did seem to be glinting in one misshapen eye…

“Hang on!” Johnny called, firing a stream of flame into that hideous face. Even with the street clear he still couldn’t raise his temperature to the levels needed to insta-bake something as wet as this monstrosity into pottery with any kind of precision. But that wasn’t what he was trying to do.

Firstly, no matter what you’re made of, having your face bubbling at the same time it’s hardening to the consistency of freshly poured tire rubber is, to put it mildly, distracting. Secondly, Sandpony only needed to be cooked solid enough from the backwash for the dented manhole cover Peter had tossed to embed itself in his chest, complete with a couple hundred web-strands.

Sneering in vicious satisfaction even as the Mudslinger threw up a leg morphed into a mud-shield, the Sandpony enlarged his hooves into inflated crab claws and grabbed hold of the lifeline.

The Mudslinger reared up furiously as Spider-Pony tossed a spaghetti tangle of webs up to the Torch, who rocketed backwards with as much jet force as he could muster without frying his partner. Spidey looped his own lines around his adhesive tail and spun, galloping in place for all he was worth.

Now running on only Moor Brush’s befuddled instincts as half its intelligence began to literally claw his way to freedom, the Mudslinger howled and thrashed, trying to hit three targets at once. Inch by inch, biting down on a primal scream, Flint Heart began to pull his rapidly cooling silicates free of his captor.

“NUUUUUUGH! WUUUUUUUN!”

“Against…three!” the Torch grunted, air shimmering around him as he forced his internal needle to climb even higher.

“Think…I’m gonna…pop somethin’…” Spider-Pony winced as he slammed an adhesive hoof into the concrete, trying to drag another after it as his teeth gritted under his mask.

“WUUUUUUUUN!”

“Yeah!” the Sandpony snarled. “ME!”

Sudden release that would have been sweet if it hadn’t happened too fast to register! Johnny spun end over end almost the entire block as Spidey’s forehead almost collided with the road. He looked over his shoulder, then up at the trailing comet of wet sand as it arched overhead, splattering into an abandoned intersection.

As he limped over the Torch was already hovering close as possible, carefully using thermal pulses to heat the sodden mass enough for it to better pull itself together. Steaming and half sunk into Manehattan tarmac, the Sandpony slithered back into existence.

“Thanks…” Flint Heart wheezed.

“Easy, man,” Spidey said gently. “We’ll explain to the M.E.U.P., but you need to tell us what happened.”

“Moor…somethin’…” The Sandpony coughed, spraying wet sand. They hadn’t known he could still do something that mortal. “She put somethin’…in ‘is…in ‘is head…”

The Sandpony had proven even more complicated beyond just being almost impossible to stop, but even if he’d still been on the wrong side of the tracks instead of just his own ambiguous and temperamental part of the business nopony deserved what he’d just gone through. Satisfied that he was as stable as a discombobulated shapeshifter was going to get, Johnny floated over to the stain that had been their other long-time beach nightmare. He felt a strange sense of ownership over Watermane even if he was a bottom of the barrel bush leaguer. Maybe it was just their contradicting elements.

Enough of Moor Brush’s water had cleared for him to also half-form back, that infamous muscle shirt and the now constantly soaked looking mullet he’d derived his dumb name from surfacing out of the mud like a lazy kaiju.

“She said…only love…one…” Brush’s muscle head voice sounded strangely heartbroken. Johnny was used to his obnoxious dude-bro twang. “She promised…”

He lapsed into a silence so heavy Johnny instantly knew there was no point asking who. Something in shimmering shades of pink slid languidly out of the Watermane’s ear with a fresh stream of mud. The Torch snagged a sample tube from a compartment in his utility collar and carefully scooped it up, trying to avoid possibly infecting himself and also getting his money-making muzzle dirty.

“Any ideas?” he asked, shifting it to his hoof as Spidey trotted over.

“Love potion, probably. He was so crazy it could’ve been a love poison. I can have Twilight take a look.” Spidey blinked. “Oh man, Twilight!”

He shot a guilty look to the unconscious Sandpony.

“On it,” Johnny assured, lighting up a hoof and approaching a building corner.

By the time the M.E.U.P. arrived all they found was two puddles of unconscious shapeshifter, a pink glowing evidence bag hung from a street lamp by a web-line, and a message burned into a wall so skilfully the charcoal looked like the ink of Princess Celestia’s very own quill.

Esteemed officers of the M.E.U.P.,

One of those days, huh? Please find enclosed one possible love potion! Open with care.

Ask the Watermane about it, but go easy on Sandpony. Would have been worse without his help.

Swing by for a report later! On royal business right now! Please tell the owner of this building to talk to Damage Control or Fantastic Inc!

Yours, the High-Flying Horseshoe Torch

3

Lilly and the girls were halfway through discussing the horror du jour when a handsome chocolate coloured stallion kicked the library door open.

“And THEY’RE OFF!”

“Waitwaitwait--” somepony on the end of the strange lines wrapped around his waist began but was drowned out by the whoomf of the Torch igniting. He winked at Lilly then blasted off, somehow not setting the treehouse on fire as he dragged a screaming Spider-Pony after him.

Lilly wasn’t sure if she should faint, but did anyway.

“Trainline…” Johnny muttered, whipping a ring of fire in the skies over the terrified town as he scanned the ground. “Trainline, trainline. Aha! Trainline!”

“Other way!” Spidey hollered as they arched towards the White Tail Woods. “See the mountains?! Canterlot Castle is right over there!”

“On it!” Johnny’s retro-thruster hooves glowed almost white hot as he course corrected and poured on the speed. “You okay back there?”

“No! Floor it!”

Miles of woodland and forest and pitstops were blinking by under them in minutes. Squinting, Johnny could make out floating parade balloons and modified party clouds spraying confetti between the tips of one of Equestria’s most iconic mountain ranges. He could practically hear the roaring crowds already.

“You bring your camera?” he called over his shoulder.

“No!” Spidey twisted into the swerve as they whipped around the peak that would let them sneak up on the specific castle tower. As much as a blazing comet could sneak. “It’s just a family and friends thing! Oh man, should I have worn a suit?!”

“If you have to ask you probably shouldn’t!” Johnny assured. “Wow. What a view.”

***

Canterlot was celebrating.

Banners with Twilight Sparkle’s cutie-mark flapped from practically every battlement. It was a good thing they’d decided not to trust the train as from the air the Knight’s Cross and Pilgrimage stations looked like a child’s model of clogged arteries.
Airships hovered carefully in holding circles over New and Old town to avoid all the bobbing hot air balloons, because the three major docks were all flashing their max capacity signals. Downtown was blaring one of Twilight’s favourite Sapphire Shores numbers while Protector’s Square a few blocks from the palace was halfway through a Neigh Orleans-esque May the Saints Go Marching. Even the graffiti in the Cauldron featured the occasional respectful Twilight mark next to the less vitriolic messages.

Say what you would about the pony species, they knew how celebrate a once in a lifetime miracle. Technically the fifth this generation. Princess Cadence’s own promotion should probably also count but that was so late ’90s.

The streets were so packed the Wonderbolt and C.E.U.P. forces hadn’t even noticed the meteorite trying to scooch in between the balloons. Peter had the disconcerting feeling the one of Discord was following them with its eyes, but he was doing almost 300mph over the capital with a cosmically irradiated hairspray enthusiast for a driver. Not a lot to be concerted about.

“Nice day for it,” Johnny called as he angled for the woods behind the castle’s lower levels.

“No kidding. My costume’s gonna have confetti in new and interesting places for weeks, and I’m not even mad.” Peter stuck out a hindleg to send a rainbow spray shooting up from the river as they shot past. Then blinked. “Oh man, my costume!”

“Been waiting for you to say something for years,” Johnny agreed, nodding solemnly as he skidded to a halt, allowing his partner to lower himself onto one of the more secluded balconies. “Seriously, you just now realised you know two fashion designers?”

“I left my saddlebag all the way back in the city,” Peter moaned even as he pulled off his mask and began wrestling his way out of the shirt. “Where can I stash it? What if something happens?!”

“In Princess Central? Please.” Johnny looked around then smirked as he spotted an empty decorative vase. A surreptitiously borrowed tree branch stuffed in over the wadded-up costume and voilà!

4

The guard on duty outside the presentation tower was humming idly along to the conflicting tunes of the city when he spotted the swaying foliage.

At first he thought some kind of Everfree monster was trying to climb the stairs, but two voices helped resolve the front and back as two different ponies gingerly but hurriedly trying to climb the stairs without letting one of the palace vases, the uninspired kind the princesses always got from the aristocracy and stuck out back to forget about, slip off their backs.

The grey and brown one was glancing around nervously. “You’re sure this is it?”

“This is the way Lady Candelabra showed me, and you do not forget something a lady like that shows you.” The blonde and chocolate one smelled strangely like the barracks hearths after they’d been put out.

“Now-then-now-then-now-then,” the guard announced in the tone he’d been practising for years. “Hwhat do we ‘ave here?”

“This, officer?” Johnny automatically adopted a showpony’s body language, Peter yelping and managing to stop the vase tipping over by reaching up to adhere his forehooves to it and desperately sticking one of his hind ones to the stairs. “This is love’s true course, which never--”

“We’re with the press,” Peter cut in quickly. “I am! I’m with the press.”

“Indeed, sir?” The guard looked him up and down. “They make fountain pens big nowadays, is that it?”

“Look,” Peter said patiently.

A beat went by. The background music changed to Equestrian Splendour and what Johnny could have sworn was the Fraggle Rock theme. “Yeah?”

“That’s as far as I got.” Peter shrugged and almost went tumbling to his death. “Give me a hoof here?!”

“I should point out, gentlemen,” the guard said carefully as Johnny tried to wrap his forelegs around the vase, “that even if I didn’t know better than to think you were approaching the most important building in Canterlot with a battering ram, I couldn’t--”

Johnny frowned. “Why not?”

“You’re too…normal.” The guard shrugged, shouldering his spear. “All things considered.”

“Consider it, buddy!” Johnny snapped “Normal?! Ha! That breakup between Ice Crystal and Honey Tea? I did that!”

The guard’s nostrils flared so wide Peter was surprised his Spider-Sense wasn’t going off. “Really.”

“Yeah! So obviously one of us runs in some pretty big circles and should be allowed in to the event of the season! Thanks!”

“Well, sir,” the guard said, in the sort of voice both ponies had heard evil mastermind’s use as the death trap started up, “even if I could verify that, I happen to be a big Ice/Tea fan.”

“Of course you are,” Peter deadpanned. “Look, her brother’s here somewhere. Shining Armor? Looks kinda like he escaped from the Sgt. Pepper cover? Uh, the album, not the war hero! He’s expecting us.” He looked askance at Johnny. “Well, he’s expecting me, Johnny kinda just…happens to people.”

“Can’t leave my post, sir. Sorry. But if you could show me a press pass I’d be fine taking you as far as the lounge.”

Johnny raised an eyebrow. “I thought this was a friends and family thing?”

“It is! I just mentioned The Bugle because I left our invites back in the city!” Peter smiled at the squinting guard then, expression unchanging, squeezed his eyes tight shut. “Along. With. My press pass.”

"And you quit, anyway, right?"

"And I quit anyway."

“She’s gonna fly, sir,” the guard said. “The whole city’s going to see it. They’re filming it, even! She’s going to be in newsreels in every nation on the planet. So why don’t you just, y’know, take your…shrubbery and find a spot? You found your way up here, I’m sure you could find a good view. You’re not gonna be stuck out the back on the fifth greatest event in 21^st century Equestrian history because you drew the short straw! Not that you’re bitter.”

Silence, except for Equestrian Splendour changing to Wanna Know What Love Is while Fraggle Rock kept going. Johnny and the guard looked into the corner of the archway to see what Peter’s eyes were fixed on.

“Nice vase,” Peter said with a careful lack of emotion as he shifted his own onto Johnny’s back. Johnny squawked as he realised how much of the work the proportionate strength of a spider had been doing.

“No it isn’t,” the guard said too quickly, fumbling for his spear. “AWK!”

***

“Okay, problem solved!” Peter grinned, showing too much teeth as the guard’s legs and tail thrashed around the mouth like a surrealist’s rendering of a flower. He gripped the door handle. “…except for the door being locked!”

“You’re doin’ your really high panicky voice thing…” Johnny wheezed, legs trembling.

“I! Am not! Missing this! Because! Of! A door!” Peter was sticking to it now, shifting through three positions per minute as he hauled at the handle. “Gaaagh, it’s like a Canterlot vault! Of course it is, we’re in freakin’ Canterlot!”

“Take the vase,” Johnny grunted. Peter hefted the guard’s, which squealed in panic. “No, not that one!”

Once free, he rolled his neck and shoulders to try and work feeling back into them, gaining some comfort from the happy accident of making it look like he was casually limbering up. Igniting a hoof, he heated the space between the edge of the door and the frame, turning the stone and steel soft enough to swing open.

They darted inside, Peter hefting the costume vase along with them. Johnny squeezed around it, using his still molten hoof to both smooth the melted mess back into shape and allow the high-end locks to snap back into place. There was a crackling hiss.

“…did you just weld us in?!”

“Of course not,” Johnny lied, hefting his end of the vase so they could start climbing the staircase and force Peter not to ask anymore questions. “You should’ve left this thing outside! Or back in the city! With our invites!”

“Should’ve taken Aunt May,” Peter muttered.

“Yeah, probably.”

“Do you think that guy’s okay?”

“He’s an Ice/Tea fan, Pete, he’s getting everything he deserves.”

They lapsed into the silence of Peter’s guilt and worrying about guard shift changes and Johnny’s trying to climb all these typical Canterlot stairs with what felt like half a Grim Skies on his back and guilt that he maybe kinda sorta locked them in.

Peter looked around nervously as they entered a hallway. “You’re sure this is it?”

“Nowhere else to go,” Johnny sighed with relief as they slid the vase to the floor as gently as they could, trying to drag it into a corner where it wouldn’t look weird. “This is where the team got our first ever medals! They always have the big stuff at the very top. Listen, you can hear the music.”

“Right, right.” Peter took a deep breath as they headed for it. “Okay. Everything’s gonna be just fine. That’s what she said. Just fine. Just all of us celebrating the biggest moment of Twilight’s life! No bad guys! No masks! No death rays! No web--”

“Web?” Spitfire asked as he almost walked into her. He’d been too busy psyching himself up to realise he was about to walk into the door she was opening.

“…weeeeeeeeehere are my manners?!” Peter grabbed her and Johnny’s hooves and forced them into an awkward shake. “Captain Spitfire! You must know the Horseshoe Torch? Say, weren’t you roommates?”

“No, by the grace of Celestia.” She squinted at him, yanking her hoof back. “And you are?”

“With me,” Johnny smiled, even as he remembered that would be a mistake.

“Uh huh. And what’re you doing here, Storm? Got an invite in that collar?”

“Would I be all the way up here if I didn’t?” Agh, putting on his charming city colt voice, yeah, that was another no-no.

“They’re with us, darling.” Rarity breezed into the space between them, somehow managing to give him a full profile view of her dress and not dent the feather in her hat. “Hello, Peter!”

“Rarity!” Peter tried not to sound too relieved, then frowned. “Should I, ah—?”

“No suit. She wouldn’t have wanted you any way other than you are, dear.” Rarity winked, then hooded her eyes as she glanced to the side. “Oh, Johnnycake! Sorry, didn’t see you there.”

“Well, we’ve both been pretty busy,” Johnny smarmed back. It had been a few days since they’d last spoken but he liked how instantly it felt like they’d fallen back into playing the game. And guessed she did, too.

“This true, uh, Twilight?” Spitfire was glancing over her shoulder, then shook her head. “Sorry, sorry! Princess!”

“It’s alright, it’s alright!” Twilight blustered out of what Peter now realised was a bathroom. But her dress, her hair, her wings, just…her. It could’ve been the mouth of Tartarus, which he’d admittedly stared directly into a few times, and he would’ve felt like he was watching an angel step out of a stained-glass window.

“H-hi,” Twilight grinned, her face reddening almost to match her dress. “I, um, I was washing my hooves, but you know, dress shoes take forever to get back on, and I forgot I’m telekinetic and I-I don’t know why I had to tell you about my hooves…”

“Hi.” Peter felt like he’d never stop smiling.

“Hi,” Twilight smiled back.

“I’m convinced,” Spitfire smirked. “Gonna meet everypony on the roof for the big flyover. We’ve made sure the skies are clear Princess, you’re gonna love it up there! Never gets old. Behave yourself, Storm.”

***

“Somepony’s got a reputation,” Rarity smiled, moving to block the exiting Wonderbolt from view and take up Johnny’s vision. “I wonder what I’d find if I cared enough to dig.

“Nothing but scurrilous rumours!” he grinned, loving any opportunity to use the word scurrilous. Wait for it, wait for it. “Unless it’s true, of course.”

“Fascinating.” She turned on her heel and began heading to the party up front, almost hitting him with her tail in a move he would bet the Thing’s weight in bits she planned. “But I’m a busy pony, you know!”

“Oh, tell me about it!” Johnny trotted alongside her partly to keep the game going, partly because being stuck with the lovebirds back there would probably make him want to shove his own flaming hoof in one ear and out the other. “Gonna be all over Equestria myself. Probably beyond. If there’s any beyond left to discover. But I just couldn’t set hoof on an airship without making sure Pete got here!”

“A great responsibility, you might say,” Rarity said coolly, but he could tell by her smile how much effort it was taking to keep her eyes casually dead ahead.

“The word right from my mouth!” Don’t Flame On, you hardly know her. Don’t Flame On, you hardly know her. Don’t Flame On, get to know her. “I take responsibility about as seriously as I take matters of the heart.”

“Well, you’re not the only one with responsibilities.” She still wasn’t looking at him. “And I’m afraid I simply don’t have the time to play games with you for the foreseeable future. Since I can’t set myself on fire to get attention, I have to actively promote my business. Of course, I’m delighted to take time out for Twilight’s coronation, but I’ll be just buried in paperwork trying to catch up on new store locations!”

Johnny blinked. “Oh?”

“Yes, weeks I’m afraid. No, romance is quite off the table, into the wastepaper basket! You won’t believe how far the place I’ve got my eye on is! Dreadfully time consuming!”

“Where?” Johnny tried, desperate to buy time. Sue would see through any excuse but if he could catch Reed when he had a clipboard in front of him then he could get away with practically anything.

“Yancy Street,” Rarity said casually, adjusting her hat.

Johnny knew better than to say anything. He just let the gravity of their mutual Uh Huh smirks drag their eyes towards each other.

“Well this is me,” Rarity beamed as they reached the presentation room. “I’m up front with the others. Family and friends only, you know.”

“Of course.” Johnny bowed. “Ms. Belle.”

“Mr. Storm.” She didn’t bow back. She was good. “Oh, and keep an eye on those two, could you? Make sure they don’t stay lost in each other’s eyes or we’ll be here all day. Bye!”

Johnny half tuned to see Peter and Twilight half talking, half nuzzling in the corridor and looked back just in time to see her casually trotting into the crowd of courtiers as if she’d never even noticed him. She was good.

5

“So glad you’re here!” Twilight was saying for the fifth time in a row.

“I really like your mane,” Peter said. His smile faltered a little. “I’m so sorry I’m late. If not for Johnny I’d probably be sticking to the roof of a train right now, and you should see the mess Knight’s Cross is in right now…”

“Is this a business thing?” Twilight asked, still smiling.

“It’s always going to be,” Peter sighed. “That’s what I’m worried about. I want to be here for the big stuff, but…”

“You are!”

“But you should be my biggest responsibility!” He was holding her hoof now.

“Did Johnny give you that line?” She smiled, raising an eyebrow like Dash and Rarity had taught her to. “Because that sounds like a Johnny line.”

Peter struggled to keep from bursting into relieved laughter, the last thing he needed was everypony in the room stopping to stare at the new princess’ weird boyfriend.

Princess. He was still getting used to it, but at the same time it felt right.

“Biggest responsibility!” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Actually, you know what? That sounds like me. Remember when I missed your birthday? You remember how long that took to clean up?”

“We still went out!”

“And I still had all my molecules, but that’s not the point.” She squeezed his hoof. “We manage. That’s what we do. If only one of us had to drop the other to help somepony that’d be one thing, but we both manage.”

“Yeah, but there’s always another birthday.” He nuzzled her neck. “Twilight, you’re a princess now! You can fly! I just…I want you to know I’ll always be here for once in a lifetime stuff like this, but all I can do is promise to try.”

“And that’ll always be enough for me.”

“It shouldn’t have to be,” he sighed, head half resting on her shoulders.

“Peter.” She was still smiling but her voice made him look up and pay attention. “I’m still your girlfriend. You’re not winning this or any other argument. You want to know what settling is here? Alright. Who was it this time?”

“Uh, the Mudslinger.” He shook his head. “You remember, that thing Sandpony and the Watermane turn into…?”

“Was anypony hurt?”

“No.”

“There you go.”

He pulled her into a hug, since he couldn’t afford to toss her into the air right now. “You are spectacular.”

“I am going to be late.” They kissed, Twilight blushing as her wings flared. “Sorry, sorry! They have a mind of their own!”

“It’s fine!”

“Yes.” That smile. What would he do without that smile? “Everything’s going to be just fine.”

He believed her.

***

He and Johnny settled into a secluded enough spot by the buffet table, watching things play out. Shining Armor and Cadence turned up a couple of minutes before everything kicked off, Cadence waving at him a little too enthusiastically.

Peter waved back, still not sure what exactly to make of being this close to the Equestrian expert on love. He tried not to dwell on the fact this was the sort of thing he couldn’t stand about higher-tier magic. How did you become an expert on something as…esoteric as love? How was that a talent? How could you make energy out of that? Did she have a degree in the biology too, or…?

He shook himself out of the spiral because Cadence and Shining had been perfectly decent to him in the short time they’d known him, and settled back into smiling. Johnny helped himself to an early plate of everything, knowing from years of practice the scowling servants would be too busy trying not to break the cathedral like hush of the event to say anything. He spotted Rainbow Dash glaring daggers at him from up front.

‘Nice hat,’ he mouthed, but she ruined it by mouthing, ‘I know’ back. It was, blast it. It was a great hat. Applejack turned around to see what Rainbow was trying to eyeball to death and he took a few prudent steps behind a plant. Peter met AJ’s gaze and rolled his eyes. She winked at him, tipped her own hat, and went back to talking to Fluttershy.

“Did I miss anything?” A blue Unicorn had come up alongside him. He seemed to be trying to figure out how forward he should be standing.

“Nah, they’re about to speak. It’s fine.” He couldn’t stop smiling. Neither could the older pony. It was just that kind of day.

“Look at her,” his new table companion said fondly. “I worry about her sometimes, but I really shouldn’t.”

“That’s still very kind of you!” Peter knew he’d appreciate it if the city ever spared any kind of thought for it’s resident web-head.

“It’s my responsibility.” The older stallion shook his head, smiling. “Ah, but listen to me go on! Where are those legendary Canterlot manners? Night Light.”

“Peter Trotter.” Peter accepted the hoofshake. “It can just be one or the other. Full name’s fine, but it’s a Manehattan thing.”

“The big smoke, eh?” Night Light raised an impressed eyebrow. “This was going to be a small thing, well, relatively speaking, but you must be pretty important to be up here. Are you a friend?”

“Uh...” Peter considered the girls as they group hugged, smiling. “I think so. They treat me like one. We’re kinda in the same line of work, but I’d like to think it’s that they’re just that…friendly.”

“I know what you mean. They’re all so different but it’s impossible to imagine them without each other.”

“Really is.”

***

They listened to the rest of the speeches, both pretending they weren’t on the verge of tears. Something was nagging at Peter. Night Light wasn’t even remotely Spider-Sense worthy, hay, he reminded Peter of some of the veteran Damage Control personnel he’d met over the last few days, but there was something familiar. It was Canterlot, maybe he’d heard him on the radio or something?

“This is gonna sound weird, but have we met?”

“Not as far as I know.” Night Light craned his neck, spotting something in the throng. “Ah, that’s me. Nice to meet you! Have a good time.”

“I will, you too,” Peter agreed as Night Light trotted towards Cadence for some reason. He focused back on the Elements, just enjoying the haze of the celebration atmosphere. And just like that it was over. Nothing left but Twilight’s inaugural flight.

“I flew out that window when we first announced ourselves.” Johnny deposited his crumb covered plate back on the table, smiling more genuinely than usual. “She’s a lucky girl, Pete.”

“Yeah,” Peter said vaguely.

“You two have a lot to look forward to.”

“Careful, or I’ll start to think you’re under Queen Chrysalis’ spell again.”

“Okay, that was one time.” Johnny’s smirk was back. “Oh, and tell the princess and her merry mares that Chrysalis was the designated FF monster queen for years. We saw her first.”

“What am I, your mailman? Or are you still scared to go near Rainbow Dash?”

“I’m not taking that from somepony who breaks out in a cold sweat at the sight of Pinkie Pie.”

“You’d not be so hot to visit your princess if Karnack was in charge of laughter.” Peter blinked then turned guiltily to Johnny, who was trying to look as if he was looking at Rarity. “I’m sorry, man! I didn’t think. It’s this mountain air…”

“It’s cool.” Johnny smirked at something internal, blue eyes strangely steady. “Banter’s what we do. Don’t go soft on me.”

“No, I know, I just…I know Crystal was…important. I shouldn’t have…”

“Yeah, she is.” Johnny glanced at Rarity for real. “You really want to make today count, Peter? Make every day after this one count too.”

A beat, something private between them even as the hall broke into applause.

“Soooo, the Psycho-Pony?” Peter smirked.

“You’re lucky there’s too many classy people around for me to make tail gestures.”

Twilight looked over her shoulder at him as she spread her wings. He winked. She giggled, turned, and launched herself into the sky in a sapphire blur. The crowd below went wild. He felt Johnny pat him brotherly on the back.

“So,” the Horseshoe Torch said, using a toothpick probably just for the causal look, “Chinese tonight?”

“We’re doing that lunch thing in Ponyville in a bit.” Peter glanced at the remains of the buffet. “Talking about dinner already! How much did you eat anyway?”

“Enough to make sure Dash probably runs out of whatever her favourite stuff is way too soon.”

“Still waiting to hear what the story is there.”

“Keep waiting,” Johnny beamed. “Hello?”

“Hello,” Night Light smiled trotting over. “I’m sorry, have we met? You have one of those faces.” He turned to Peter before Johnny could answer. “Listen, Princess Celestia’s booked a tavern in Ponyville, it’s for friends and family. Just doing a quick headcount before we set off. If you’re not coming, I’m sure the buffet will do.”

“Oh, wouldn’t miss it,” Peter assured. “Got a place at the head table, even!”

Night Light was looking at him differently now. Trying to figure something out. “Really?”

“There you are!” Princess Cadence was practically galloping over to them. “Oh, this is perfect! It’s so good to see you getting along! I had a good feeling about today!”

“Oh?” Peter and Night Light said together, then looked at each other uncertainly.

“Princess Cadence!” Johnny bowed. “Wonderful to see you again! Say, could you tell your Element friends, just Rainbow Dash really, that Chry--”

“Hello Johnnycake,” Cadence said, smiling wryly. “I didn’t know you knew Peter!”

“We’re roommates.” Johnny put a foreleg around Peter and pulled a solemn face. “I’m doing my best with what little I have.”

“And you don’t have a lot,” Peter deadpanned.

“Now now, today is a happy day.” Cadence beamed. “Shiny! There you are! Come see how well Peter’s getting on with your father.”

“Who?” said a strangely familiar voice from behind Shining, who was reading Peter and Night Light’s confused faces a lot faster than his wife was. Johnny did his own calculations and carefully unwrapped his foreleg from around Peter’s neck.

“Peter!” Cadence said, replacing it with her own. “You know, Twilight’s special somepony! I’m so glad you’re getting on, sometimes it’s so awkward when the parents and the boyfriend meet like this!”

Peter felt his pupils shrinking almost all the way to the back of his head. The Unicorn she was addressing was nigh identical to Twilight.

“Boyfriend?” Night Light said. He sounded like he was being strangled. Peter wished he was.

“Uh, honey...” Shining said hopelessly but valiantly.

His mother trotted past him and stared at Peter. Who couldn’t believe he’d failed to notice her until she was literally right in front of him. The resemblance was uncannier than any of the Hex-Ponies could hope to be.

“Boyfriend,” Night Light said, now sounding like he was coming from the centre of the earth.

“Yes, dear,” Twilight’s mother smiled. It was only a smidge hysterical. “Apparently.”

“Um,” Cadence said, looking between them.

“Hello,” Twilight’s mother said carefully. “I’m Twilight Velvet. Family name, obviously.”

Seeing that Cadence was equally frozen, Johnny gently reached over and nudged Peter.

“Hello,” Peter managed. He tried to smile. It did not work.

“Boyfriend,” Night Light said too loudly for the nearby crowd to ignore.

“Yeah.” Peter licked his lips. “I. Yes. Yeah.”

“Yes,” Velvet said.

She turned, prompting them all to follow her gaze. The Elements and the royal sisters had stopped a little short of walking up to them, and the crowd was starting to notice. Johnny and Rarity looked at each other and knew they were both trying equally hard not to laugh.

Pinkie Pie waved, either not tuned into the show being broadcast or maybe just not caring. “Hi, Peter! Having fun?”

“Uh.” Peter looked at Cadence, who still hadn’t taken her leg off him, and at Twilight’s parents. Night Light’s eyes were unfocused as ponies tried to get around him to get at the buffet and Twilight Velvet was looking right at him, which was worse. “Ask again later?”

“Mom, we can explain,” Shining sighed.

“Oh, you will,” Velvet said quietly. Not angrily, but.

“It’s okay, Mrs. T,” Dash assured. “He’s cool!”

“Thanks, Dash.” Peter tried to smile again. “Nice hat.”

“I know!”

“Perhaps,” Princess Celestia said diplomatically, “it would be better if we were to continue this at the Carrot and Stick. In private. Where we can all have good memories, too.”

“Private sounds like a good idea to me,” Twilight Velvet said, glancing from Peter to Cadence to Shining like a warhead deciding just where to land.

Luna cleared her throat. “Rainbow Dash. You will accompany me in making sure nothing goes awry for the princess’ inaugural flight.”

“Awww, but this show’s live!” Dash whined. She rolled her eyes as Luna’s glowed. “Awright, awright.”

“You still clean up nice!” Johnny called as she and Luna galloped for the archway.

“Drop dead!” Dash called, clamping her hat down as she leapt into the air after Luna.

“They’ll make sure Twilight has plenty of fun and time to catch us up.” Celestia considered the six ponies holding up the buffet table and sighed. “I know today probably isn’t what you were expecting Velvet, Night Light, but for what it’s worth I agree with Twilight’s friends about--”

“TROTTER!”

“No way,” Peter said without thinking, almost breaking his own neck as he twisted in Cadence’s rigid grasp to stare at the walking aneurysm pushing its way through the crowd towards them.

“Don’t you move, traitor!” Ferocious Flattop bellowed, almost sending Fluttershy under Rarity’s skirts. “Why, after all the things I’ve done for you!”

“Can we help you?” Shining snapped.

“Do you validate parking? No? Then beat it!” Flattop shoved past him, practically knocking Johnny backwards into the buffet. “You’ve been canoodling with the story of THE CENTURY, AND NOT ONCE DID YOU THINK TO--”

“I think, Ferocious,” Princess Celestia said, “that you should lower your voice.”

The publisher looked up at her without a trace of intimidation, snorting whatever he was suffusing his lungs with these days out through his nose in fury. “I want the first interview!” he said simply.

“I can’t give you that,” Celestia replied calmly. “Princess Twilight is her own pony.”

“Worth a shot.” Flattop shrugged, then glared at Peter, who was glaring back so hard Cadence had finally let go and backed away. “This isn’t over.”

“Yeah it is,” Peter said, trying not raise his own voice. “I quit, remember?”

“Oh, I will.” He’d never heard the old crank this quiet. Flattop spun on his heel, gave a sort of bow-nod to the princess, and harrumphed his way back into the throng.

“If you would follow me,” Celestia sighed, forcing a smile. The strange procession set off down the staircase, trying not to trample each other as they fought to be anywhere but here.

***

“Cannot believe that old fraud!” Peter half spat, trying not to stomp hoofprints into the old wood.

“I know,” Shining Armor sighed. “But hey, you quit? Good for you. You ever feel like doing any forensics work just send a letter.”

“Thanks.” Peter sighed, then tried what felt like a real smile. “Hey. Your sister's a princess.”

“You get used to it,” Shining smiled back. Peter liked little moments like this, mostly because his first instinct when meeting one of Equestria’s top cops was still half to spray webbing and hightail it. “So if you want to write about that, too...”

“Might take you up on that.”

“So, so sorry!” Cadence was trying to say to Twilight Velvet and Night Light at the same time, forcing Applejack to duck. “Just so sorry! He ticked so many boxes I just assumed you’d know!”

“I’d like to see those boxes,” Velvet said calmly. “Since I assume you made one of your reports on him. I would very much like to see that.”

Cadence went quiet.

“Boyfriend,” Night Light whispered to himself.

“Applejack, don’t shuffle your hooves like that, you’ll trip.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“So,” Johnny smirked, “fancy meeting you here.”

“Fancy?” Pinkie Pie looked down at her dress. “You know what, yes, this dress is pretty fancy! Nice to meet you, I’m Pinkie Pie! I like your mane, is it real?”

“Um…”

“He was talking to me, dear,” Rarity insisted gently, trying to get her position back from the bouncing pony.

“Oh, sorry!” Pinkie beamed. “Can you ask your friend if his mane is real?”

“Just a little farther now!” Celestia called over her shoulder, trying not to sound too relieved. “We use this way to be discreet. There’s a carriage bay in the next tower, so if everypony could partner up we’ll be to the Carrot and Stick in no time. Give the press the slip. No offence, Peter!”

“None taken, Princess! I quit, remember?” Everypony chuckled.

“At least he’s got a sense of humour,” Velvet smiled. Everypony chuckled again but not as heartily.

“Ah, here we are!” Celestia paused on the lower stairs, the group trying not to pile into each other, though Fluttershy did blush a little when she bumped into Johnny at the back.

“Um, hello.”

“Hello.” Johnny gave her a patented smile, then whipped around to get a better look at the former fashion sensation of Equestria. “You’re real.”

“Oh.” Fluttershy blinked and looked down at herself. “Well, I-I like to think so.”

“Carrot and Stick…here we come!” Princess Celestia’s horn glowed. The door handle rattled. “Here we come!” Rattle. “Here we…” Rattle. “Here…we…” Rattle-rattle-rattle. “Oh dear.”

Johnny peered over Peter, who was peering around Cadence. Rarity raised an eyebrow as they shot guilty looks at each other. This was the way they’d snuck in. Where they’d melted the door shut. With a guard stuffed in a vase right outside.

“Boyfriend,” Night Light said one last time, turning to stare at Peter as Celestia, apparently forgetting she could teleport and lift boulders with her mind, began to pound on the door and call for help.

To be Continued

Author's Note:

GLOSSARY

KNIGHT'S CROSS STATION: King's Cross.

PILGRIMAGE STATION: Paddington Station.

PROTECTOR'S SQUARE: St. James' Square

THE CAULDRON: Canterlot's obligatory wrong side of town neighbourhood. Might show up again, we'll see. Think that part of the city where Uncle Curio's shop is.

Comments

[Crack-Fic Casey]

So a complete inability to keep ones family updated is a Sparkle Family trait?

Also like that you allude to Twilight freaking out like Peter does, usually in a rom-com just the main character is screwing up. The two of them have really good chemistry, I hope they have more scenes together.

[TheManehattanite]

9550906
Pffft. Absolutely.

In canon Shining's defence, he was brainwashed for a bit there.

As for Pete and Twi, again, absolutely. The second chapter has that bit where Twilight unloads about Celestia asking to meet him. Part of this is that I'm channeling an RP I was in for a few years (I was Spidey, the guy betaing a lot of this for me was Twi!) and the dynamic was mostly "Look, I know I rag on myself a lot so since you're always going to try and stop me you should expect me to do the same for you."

The rest is that I skimmed a lot of Spiders and Magic stuff and maybe this is unfair, but it feels like an isekai thing. Guy goes to a fantasy land and starts winning all the time, and it's like, no, Peter and Twilight are both very loving but also very neurotic, self critical people. This would in no way be a fantasy life. There'd be a lot of stupid pressure they'd put on themselves.