It's funny how the mare slowly turning into an undead by necromantic radiation is the most skeptical about spirits
“No, I'm not. But,” Here we go. “My grandparents were. Both of them were professors at one of Cloudsdayle’s most prestigious universities. My grandfather challenged leadership too often and was generally disliked by the authorities. Eventually he and his wife were cast down to the surface as Dashites, forbidden to return.
Hmm, I think you should change this part a bit. If I remember the lore, Clousdale was completely obliterated by a megaspell when the bombs dropped and when Littlepip and her friends visited the area were it once was, all they found was a bunch of feral ghouls, included pegasi.
It was silent for a long while, until I heard, “Dat was some crazy radioplay, huh?”
I turned to give the unicorn guide the most incredulous look I could. Her horn was brightening, revealing a mischievous smirk spreading across her face.
“Just kidding.”
LOL
“And… where exactly are we headed?”
“Divide,” Willow answered. “We’re gonna cross de Rift.”
If I remember the lore, Clousdale was completely obliterated by a megaspell when the bombs dropped and when Littlepip and her friends visited the area were it once was, all they found was a bunch of feral ghouls, included pegasi.
Indeed, but does the story ever mention the names of any modern Enclave settlements? I had it in my head that they would re-establish a sort of "New" Cloudsdayle above the curtain. Perhaps I could specify that.
9675565 I always thought that their mayor cities were built on top or around the SPP towers (clouds are basically weightless, so they shouldn't pose any strain on the pre-war structures), so they would call their settlements with the name of the area where a specific tower is located, with some variation that indicates that it's built in the sky (Es. Baltimare --> Baltimair). Otherwise, go for a classic like New Pegasus or something involving weather puns (es. Windyapolis, Cirrusville).
EEEEEEE omg that was really hecking worth the wait to read!!!! I loved the ghostbusting adventure side quest and the bleak reminder of how F***** the wasteland is. 💓
9677928 Hmm, I like that idea! I think I'm just going to make it ambiguous, since it's a fairly minor detail that isn't going to come up again and I'm not really touching the Enclave in this story. I'll let the reader use other stories for their canon on Enclave settlements!
Alrighty then! Well I guess it's my turn now to give you my opinions since I've actually sat down and began to read some stuff on my que list... damn my reading habits!!!
So... I gotta say I'm a bad critic off the start, simply because I'm one of the types of people who can miss grievous ouches in favor for an ounce of awesome. I have just finished through to chapter 6(II) and any nitpicks I could give are non-existent beyond my own tastes for stories. This is good, damn good I would say rather in the content, flow, and direction, as well as the characters you've introduced who are managing to get my empathy kicking pretty well. Especially Doc Camphor and his ultra-adorable super-moth! (I loooove moths and I think me and Molly would get along swell! Provided me and the good doctor weren't on hostile terms...)
Another good piece I'd point out is that there's a good mixture and spread of 'oh shit danger' 'wasteland feels' and 'cute and funny downtime' about the story with the tempo never latching down on one thing to hard for long as it segues off into more stuff. The efficiency in showing character through these scenes, like with that heart wrencher in 6(II) about being 'sold out', and everything revolving them is excellent.
The only thing I would say as a negative, and it is entirely a personal opinion, is there feels to me a lack descriptive detail. I'm simply a sucker for extreme detailing though and I will completely admit trying to add more might break the excellent flow you've managed to create, so no need to fix what isn't broken.
Nitpick aside, this is... excellent! Standing ovation for you as you've managed to do a Fallout-but-in-a-swamp-locale very successfully (an idea that I still think would be neat but horrifying to play through)! I'll make sure to keep coming back to this and check out your work!
9810028 Wow, thank you bunches for the critique! I'm so happy to hear that you've enjoyed it so far, I hope I can keep up to expectations You've reminded me, I need to make a blog post soon about where everything's currently at. Thank you again~!
10284465 That seriously means a lot to me, thank you! I am continuing to work on the seventh chapter, it has taken me longer than expected due to real life obligations and stresses. Depending on how it shapes up in total size, I may also consider halving chapters more often (as I did with chapter six) to get them out at a faster pace. But anyway, fret not! You will see more of this story, hopefully within the next couple months
I fished out some gossamer tangled in the fur of my withers and mud was flicked from the tips of my tail hairs.
You would surprised how many writers forget that these are ponies and have pony features that must receive attention.
The Steel Rangers hadn’t ever held fiction to quite the same regard as nonfiction material, and tasks such as completing the Daring Do saga were low on most Scribes’ list of priorities.
It's good to know you've taken in account a character would have their own interests and hobbies outside of their work. And it opens up the question of whether a well-read individual like Quill might apply some of things she's read about into her current adventure.
My conscience clashed with my disregard for stripes; I detested slavery with every fiber of my being and wouldn't wish it upon any creature. Yet an obstinate voice deep in the back of my head whispered that it was a lesser sin when committed against zebrakind.
Doesn't read like a mere "disregard for stripes." That's just xenophobia, and I'm surprised this facet of the character hasn't popped up or at least been displayed this clearly before in the story.
There had to be something better for us. This world couldn’t simply end with a sick, starving, cold whimper.
This idea of a faith in some world other than the wasteland is one that rarely receives attention in these side stories, which is ironic given that such a faith is kind of the spirit of the original story. Here, it makes Quill that much richer a character.
An intriguing scene at the end. It seems to pull all the elements of the chapter together neatly. Not much more to say on my part. Until the next chapter!
Seeing how Quill first encounter The Institute, would I really have loved the same mood and atmosphere in the game when you first encountered the synth. There were really no wonder, no slight horror about the thought of artificial life, our introduction being with a complete replica instead of a gen 1 so our imagination could run loose and wonder how powerful the institute actually is. More atmosphere and wonder like this please!
Wait... Willow is able to make "lightless flames" and dosn't think it is anything special!?! Take a torch, steal its light, and then bap people with a seemingly normal stick that set them on fire! Or yoink all of the light out of a magical energy weapon and end up with a flash grenade! There are many ways of using such a power!
So no spoilers, but I really dig the tone of this chapter, and it was sure worth the wait! Fo tried to do something like it a few times, but never this effective, and the twist that you have given it is very fitting for MLP and is a prime example of how FoE isn't just Fo with ponies, but a combined universe. Seeing the perk can I see that it isn't the last time that we will experience this, and I am pretty sure that I saw a foreshadowing of something pretty epic hidden in this chapter that I can't wait to see.
10527009 Right? And thanks for pointing those out. 10527929 I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! I feel like this is the best chapter of anything I've ever written, honestly. I put so much time into it and I'm very satisfied with the result. Hopefully I can keep things up at this level, hehe~
Loved this side adventure of Quill and Willow!! Can't wait to read the next part! And yes, that book is the worst of the series ;)
Nice!
It's funny how the mare slowly turning into an undead by necromantic radiation is the most skeptical about spirits
Hmm, I think you should change this part a bit. If I remember the lore, Clousdale was completely obliterated by a megaspell when the bombs dropped and when Littlepip and her friends visited the area were it once was, all they found was a bunch of feral ghouls, included pegasi.
LOL
You can go home, Courier Six.
9675255
Thank you very much for the feedback!
Indeed, but does the story ever mention the names of any modern Enclave settlements? I had it in my head that they would re-establish a sort of "New" Cloudsdayle above the curtain. Perhaps I could specify that.
9675565
I always thought that their mayor cities were built on top or around the SPP towers (clouds are basically weightless, so they shouldn't pose any strain on the pre-war structures), so they would call their settlements with the name of the area where a specific tower is located, with some variation that indicates that it's built in the sky (Es. Baltimare --> Baltimair). Otherwise, go for a classic like New Pegasus or something involving weather puns (es. Windyapolis, Cirrusville).
EEEEEEE omg that was really hecking worth the wait to read!!!! I loved the ghostbusting adventure side quest and the bleak reminder of how F***** the wasteland is. 💓
9677928
Hmm, I like that idea! I think I'm just going to make it ambiguous, since it's a fairly minor detail that isn't going to come up again and I'm not really touching the Enclave in this story. I'll let the reader use other stories for their canon on Enclave settlements!
Great update! Got me in the feels.
9696107
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it c:
9696318
*puffs his angry editor flamethrower* Chapter seven when?
9700487
A-all in due time!
9702309
Thanks! Me too, this was such a fun setting to play around in c:
OK, this is good. I really like that it's not like the usual FoE fics, which is nice. Can't wait for the next update.
9702731
Wow, I appreciate the high praise! Thrilled to hear you've enjoyed it so far, the next chapter is on its way!
Alrighty then! Well I guess it's my turn now to give you my opinions since I've actually sat down and began to read some stuff on my que list... damn my reading habits!!!
So... I gotta say I'm a bad critic off the start, simply because I'm one of the types of people who can miss grievous ouches in favor for an ounce of awesome. I have just finished through to chapter 6(II) and any nitpicks I could give are non-existent beyond my own tastes for stories. This is good, damn good I would say rather in the content, flow, and direction, as well as the characters you've introduced who are managing to get my empathy kicking pretty well. Especially Doc Camphor and his ultra-adorable super-moth! (I loooove moths and I think me and Molly would get along swell! Provided me and the good doctor weren't on hostile terms...)
Another good piece I'd point out is that there's a good mixture and spread of 'oh shit danger' 'wasteland feels' and 'cute and funny downtime' about the story with the tempo never latching down on one thing to hard for long as it segues off into more stuff. The efficiency in showing character through these scenes, like with that heart wrencher in 6(II) about being 'sold out', and everything revolving them is excellent.
The only thing I would say as a negative, and it is entirely a personal opinion, is there feels to me a lack descriptive detail. I'm simply a sucker for extreme detailing though and I will completely admit trying to add more might break the excellent flow you've managed to create, so no need to fix what isn't broken.
Nitpick aside, this is... excellent! Standing ovation for you as you've managed to do a Fallout-but-in-a-swamp-locale very successfully (an idea that I still think would be neat but horrifying to play through)! I'll make sure to keep coming back to this and check out your work!
9810028
Wow, thank you bunches for the critique! I'm so happy to hear that you've enjoyed it so far, I hope I can keep up to expectations You've reminded me, I need to make a blog post soon about where everything's currently at. Thank you again~!
a
I really love this story. I hope we will see an update in the future.
10284465
That seriously means a lot to me, thank you! I am continuing to work on the seventh chapter, it has taken me longer than expected due to real life obligations and stresses. Depending on how it shapes up in total size, I may also consider halving chapters more often (as I did with chapter six) to get them out at a faster pace. But anyway, fret not! You will see more of this story, hopefully within the next couple months
You would surprised how many writers forget that these are ponies and have pony features that must receive attention.
It's good to know you've taken in account a character would have their own interests and hobbies outside of their work. And it opens up the question of whether a well-read individual like Quill might apply some of things she's read about into her current adventure.
Doesn't read like a mere "disregard for stripes." That's just xenophobia, and I'm surprised this facet of the character hasn't popped up or at least been displayed this clearly before in the story.
This idea of a faith in some world other than the wasteland is one that rarely receives attention in these side stories, which is ironic given that such a faith is kind of the spirit of the original story. Here, it makes Quill that much richer a character.
An intriguing scene at the end. It seems to pull all the elements of the chapter together neatly. Not much more to say on my part. Until the next chapter!
Seeing how Quill first encounter The Institute, would I really have loved the same mood and atmosphere in the game when you first encountered the synth. There were really no wonder, no slight horror about the thought of artificial life, our introduction being with a complete replica instead of a gen 1 so our imagination could run loose and wonder how powerful the institute actually is. More atmosphere and wonder like this please!
Wait... Willow is able to make "lightless flames" and dosn't think it is anything special!?! Take a torch, steal its light, and then bap people with a seemingly normal stick that set them on fire! Or yoink all of the light out of a magical energy weapon and end up with a flash grenade! There are many ways of using such a power!
So no spoilers, but I really dig the tone of this chapter, and it was sure worth the wait! Fo tried to do something like it a few times, but never this effective, and the twist that you have given it is very fitting for MLP and is a prime example of how FoE isn't just Fo with ponies, but a combined universe. Seeing the perk can I see that it isn't the last time that we will experience this, and I am pretty sure that I saw a foreshadowing of something pretty epic hidden in this chapter that I can't wait to see.
10527009
Right? And thanks for pointing those out.
10527929
I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! I feel like this is the best chapter of anything I've ever written, honestly. I put so much time into it and I'm very satisfied with the result. Hopefully I can keep things up at this level, hehe~
This was really sweet but also really sad 😢. I nearly ended up crying too