Still waiting on that prologue so we don't get whiplash from that intro, but can't have this story on my read later list forever, so better get back to it!
Ohhh and first!
So knowing the character a bit more than before, getting a bit slower pace, and moments where we see Quills reactions made this a much much better chapter than the earlier one, and I can only hope that this is the first of many good chapters to come.
While perks in the end of the chapter normally are tongue in cheek do I honestly not get this one, beside the reference. Like ad something about swim speed, we need something with stats on there to make it seem game like
Nitpick " I spit and clambered out of the water" spat
His helmet was, mercifully, easier to remove. I respectfully shut Ardent’s eyes and from around his neck retrieved his set of Steel Ranger holotags, engraved with his name, race, path, and an image of his cutie mark, a snowy-peaked mountain. Enchanted to near indestructibility, each holotag would be accepted by the Scribes back at the Citadel and recorded in our archives to forever honor our order’s sacrifices. To keep them safe, I slipped the chain over my neck, beside my own set.
Carts and trolleys bearing crates of materials created roadblocks as I trotted forward. I stopped at a workstation containing packages of needles, plungers, and plastic casings. The neatly stacked paperwork nearby identified these components as an incomplete device referred to as a “stimpak,” a name which I'd certainly never heard of before.
11280583 Yeah, that's why I kept my feedback to just my opinions without elaborating much. It was basically guaranteed to be outdated after all this time, even without an editor.
That, plus proper and thorough editor-like comments like I used to write suck out my soul.
I do still have some 'criticism' thoughts. I reread the fight properly before this chapter and my opinion of the narration changed.
It's written in the first person, yet it reads like a third-person narrator retelling the story long after the fact and they've swapped the 'shes' for 'Is' for some reason. Narration's so detached and accurate, it doesn't feel like what someone would feel when in the middle of a firefight or waking up in pain.
I feel there's also an issue with passive and active voices. Quill's not actually often the subject, even when it should be about her. It's "A deep ache running the length of my spine prodded me back into consciousness" rather than "I woke up to a back in pain;" "my eyelids parted uneasily" instead of "I opened my eyes..." and then there's the outlandish-in-context "comprehension seemed to elude me."
Not the kind of thing that matches first-person POV, you know? Especially when you just got your freaking wing torn off. Like, seriously, I couldn't even 'appreciate' the gravity of the situation because of the way it was written. I was laughing instead.
Like I said, outdated and editing kills me so regular thoughts from here on. Especially that, apparently, these issues mostly fixed themselves once she started exploring the Stable, and the narration was even better by the time Quill was gadding about in the swamps.
So, I didn't realize these Steel Rangers were based in a "Citadel." Like in Fallout 3, yeah. Kkat's original fic is a chore to read through so I don't know if that's from there or something entirely from you. It'll be a discovery either way!
I was surprised to read that Quill had never heard of a stimpak before, but then I remembered this universe used healing potions instead. I loved this line incidentally, it's one of the few until later that I found to put some life in her clinical narration; "a healing potion or two sounded simply divine right about now."
I liked the exploration of Stable 56 and her thoughts on this. "What could have been?" is part of the wasteland's DNA. Wonder what horrors will drop at the same time as the other shoe...
Her lament at the facility using corks instead of caps too, so funny and fitting of the universe. Promptly followed by healing potions rejected for not being tasty enough. For once that the sheer stupid of the Old World helps someone rather than screw them up even more, haha.
I loved her thoughts in the Overmare's office part. 'Enough Ministry of Morale posters to wallpaper the whole room with Pinkie Pie's face,' savoring the armchair and wishing they'd looted it back to the airship, the oopsie of the PipBuck 2000 not having S.A.T.S....
Speaking of which, love the world-building so far. Wouldn't be surprised if that's one of the biggest draws of reading and/or writing about Fallout Equestria.
And then there's the marsh sequence. Quill's thoughts and feelings shine here. Along with the little pegasus in the back of her mind. "Welcome back to the wasteland!"
You've also got lines like "the trunk snapped with a crack as loud as a firing squad" and "shattering the lens like a mirror out of a nightmare" which also help putting some personality back in Quill, instead of the generic could-be-anyone-anywhere narrator she was at the start.
I actually read the action scene, that's how better it was than the previous one. And then the "I wept for..." scene. A great way to end it and a far cry from the start with the torn-off wing and dead comrades.
Loved the graffiti too. Especially the second one, both because I found it genuinely funny and it reminds me of a "Luna sucks!" "I sure hope she does~" joke of my own. And they prove actually plot-relevant too! Wouldn't be surprised if Buckwater is a person rather than a town though.
My only 'issue' with this chapter, other than the narration thing I mentioned first (and soon became outdated), is the 'copies the original fic' level-up footnote at the end. But that's petty, this is your fic dammit. Plus, you're putting your own spin on them. It's the little pegasus in Quill's mind reciting the perks, isn't she?
Still waiting on that prologue so we don't get whiplash from that intro, but can't have this story on my read later list forever, so better get back to it!
Ohhh and first!
So knowing the character a bit more than before, getting a bit slower pace, and moments where we see Quills reactions made this a much much better chapter than the earlier one, and I can only hope that this is the first of many good chapters to come.
While perks in the end of the chapter normally are tongue in cheek do I honestly not get this one, beside the reference. Like ad something about swim speed, we need something with stats on there to make it seem game like
Nitpick
" I spit and clambered out of the water" spat
Personally I would take the helmet
Oooo I like this detail
11280583
Yeah, that's why I kept my feedback to just my opinions without elaborating much. It was basically guaranteed to be outdated after all this time, even without an editor.
That, plus proper and thorough editor-like comments like I used to write suck out my soul.
I do still have some 'criticism' thoughts. I reread the fight properly before this chapter and my opinion of the narration changed.
It's written in the first person, yet it reads like a third-person narrator retelling the story long after the fact and they've swapped the 'shes' for 'Is' for some reason. Narration's so detached and accurate, it doesn't feel like what someone would feel when in the middle of a firefight or waking up in pain.
I feel there's also an issue with passive and active voices. Quill's not actually often the subject, even when it should be about her. It's "A deep ache running the length of my spine prodded me back into consciousness" rather than "I woke up to a back in pain;" "my eyelids parted uneasily" instead of "I opened my eyes..." and then there's the outlandish-in-context "comprehension seemed to elude me."
Not the kind of thing that matches first-person POV, you know? Especially when you just got your freaking wing torn off. Like, seriously, I couldn't even 'appreciate' the gravity of the situation because of the way it was written. I was laughing instead.
Like I said, outdated and editing kills me so regular thoughts from here on. Especially that, apparently, these issues mostly fixed themselves once she started exploring the Stable, and the narration was even better by the time Quill was gadding about in the swamps.
So, I didn't realize these Steel Rangers were based in a "Citadel." Like in Fallout 3, yeah. Kkat's original fic is a chore to read through so I don't know if that's from there or something entirely from you. It'll be a discovery either way!
I was surprised to read that Quill had never heard of a stimpak before, but then I remembered this universe used healing potions instead. I loved this line incidentally, it's one of the few until later that I found to put some life in her clinical narration; "a healing potion or two sounded simply divine right about now."
I liked the exploration of Stable 56 and her thoughts on this. "What could have been?" is part of the wasteland's DNA. Wonder what horrors will drop at the same time as the other shoe...
Her lament at the facility using corks instead of caps too, so funny and fitting of the universe. Promptly followed by healing potions rejected for not being tasty enough. For once that the sheer stupid of the Old World helps someone rather than screw them up even more, haha.
I loved her thoughts in the Overmare's office part. 'Enough Ministry of Morale posters to wallpaper the whole room with Pinkie Pie's face,' savoring the armchair and wishing they'd looted it back to the airship, the oopsie of the PipBuck 2000 not having S.A.T.S....
Speaking of which, love the world-building so far. Wouldn't be surprised if that's one of the biggest draws of reading and/or writing about Fallout Equestria.
And then there's the marsh sequence. Quill's thoughts and feelings shine here. Along with the little pegasus in the back of her mind. "Welcome back to the wasteland!"
You've also got lines like "the trunk snapped with a crack as loud as a firing squad" and "shattering the lens like a mirror out of a nightmare" which also help putting some personality back in Quill, instead of the generic could-be-anyone-anywhere narrator she was at the start.
I actually read the action scene, that's how better it was than the previous one. And then the "I wept for..." scene. A great way to end it and a far cry from the start with the torn-off wing and dead comrades.
Loved the graffiti too. Especially the second one, both because I found it genuinely funny and it reminds me of a "Luna sucks!" "I sure hope she does~" joke of my own. And they prove actually plot-relevant too! Wouldn't be surprised if Buckwater is a person rather than a town though.
My only 'issue' with this chapter, other than the narration thing I mentioned first (and soon became outdated), is the 'copies the original fic' level-up footnote at the end. But that's petty, this is your fic dammit. Plus, you're putting your own spin on them. It's the little pegasus in Quill's mind reciting the perks, isn't she?
11282097
Its probably written like The Chrysalis like how Whisper documents her events but she only got the idea after they happened
Wow that's a good piece of description :0
11330263
Thanks c: