8727689 That's great to hear! I definitely took a lot of inspiration from both Megaton's repurposed design and Goodsprings' various people for the town.
8812940 My advice would be to spend like 500 words to write a single scene on the airship, there being no need for exposition really, just us getting closer to the chars. Like the main char sitting in her room with her partner, them getting a call to gear up for the incoming mission, us getting thrown into the chaos there are an army getting geared up, banter and personalities being thrown back and forth, it still being in media res but much more like an intro to an action shooter where we can get hyped up for what there are there to come.
I love that there ain't any exposition dumps, and don't really want any exposition whatsoever, but try looking game intros up on youtube for shooters or other action games and I am sure that you will get what I mean.
And me commenting on stuff... Get used to it, I am a very very blunt Dane there are gonna comment on the good stuff and the not so good stuff, just expect me to say more these first few chapters than later on, there are no need to go into details about what I find good or bad if the same thing shows up multiple times after all.
Ohh and by the way, your cover and Crono411 sent me your way!
Past a beaten-down chain link fence at the end were a hundred yards of open field separating us from the school, the uncut grass nearly at chin level and swaying in the wind
Wait… there are a field of nomnom just laying there, and no one have thought about harvesting the food? I would think that the ponies nearby would go for the field of grass before they went for alligator meat.
Once upon a time did i try to write a story and one of my chars was a zebra-unicorn hybrid, and reading this chapter makes me wanna revive that char, but alas my purpose is not to write, but to read and comment, motivating others with my words instead of creating new worlds with them… Okay overdramatic Doom is over for now, just know that the talismans are a nice touch, and I would still rather have this go a magic route, with the vodoo and what not, instead of the technical route as hinted with the Institute and Synths. Will I keep complaining over the tech since I am getting spoiled with evil magic? Yes, yes I am!
By the way, I suck at cliffhangers, so don't expect me to read the next chapter before the second part of it is out as well.
Nitpicks “...An’ the children had been abused within an inch of death.” space "“...And eaten by her.”" space "“...Stupidest caravaneer I’ve ever worked for!”" space “...Takes a mare to shoot a mare.” Space "Willow Wisp telekinetically lifted a heavy-looking microscope and struck a tribal full in the face with a savage thud" delete "The hunter give a cruel laugh as something snared my rear legs and yanked me to a sudden halt, " gave
Will this story have sex in it?
8409818
I'm not planning there to be anything explicit, no.
8442936
Hehe, it even surprised me how crazy this chapter became!
8685911
No problem
8707723
Wow, thank you for the detailed critique! I can't wait to present the next chapter.
8727689
That's great to hear! I definitely took a lot of inspiration from both Megaton's repurposed design and Goodsprings' various people for the town.
Eeeeeeee!!
8732624
Eeeeeee!!!
So since some of the chapters are getting a do over, are all of the chapters getting edited or?
8748399
Nope! There were only minor changes that needed to be made to the rest, all of which are complete.
8812940
My advice would be to spend like 500 words to write a single scene on the airship, there being no need for exposition really, just us getting closer to the chars. Like the main char sitting in her room with her partner, them getting a call to gear up for the incoming mission, us getting thrown into the chaos there are an army getting geared up, banter and personalities being thrown back and forth, it still being in media res but much more like an intro to an action shooter where we can get hyped up for what there are there to come.
I love that there ain't any exposition dumps, and don't really want any exposition whatsoever, but try looking game intros up on youtube for shooters or other action games and I am sure that you will get what I mean.
And me commenting on stuff... Get used to it, I am a very very blunt Dane there are gonna comment on the good stuff and the not so good stuff, just expect me to say more these first few chapters than later on, there are no need to go into details about what I find good or bad if the same thing shows up multiple times after all.
Ohh and by the way, your cover and Crono411 sent me your way!
8813041
I'll consider adding one, if I'm able to come up with something that feels natural enough.
By all means, be blunt! Honest feedback is what will improve the story in the long run.
Wait… there are a field of nomnom just laying there, and no one have thought about harvesting the food? I would think that the ponies nearby would go for the field of grass before they went for alligator meat.
Once upon a time did i try to write a story and one of my chars was a zebra-unicorn hybrid, and reading this chapter makes me wanna revive that char, but alas my purpose is not to write, but to read and comment, motivating others with my words instead of creating new worlds with them… Okay overdramatic Doom is over for now, just know that the talismans are a nice touch, and I would still rather have this go a magic route, with the vodoo and what not, instead of the technical route as hinted with the Institute and Synths. Will I keep complaining over the tech since I am getting spoiled with evil magic? Yes, yes I am!
By the way, I suck at cliffhangers, so don't expect me to read the next chapter before the second part of it is out as well.
Nitpicks
“...An’ the children had been abused within an inch of death.” space
"“...And eaten by her.”" space
"“...Stupidest caravaneer I’ve ever worked for!”" space
“...Takes a mare to shoot a mare.” Space
"Willow Wisp telekinetically lifted a heavy-looking microscope and struck a tribal full in the face with a savage thud" delete
"The hunter give a cruel laugh as something snared my rear legs and yanked me to a sudden halt, " gave