Joffrey Baratheon in Equestria (A Create Your Own Adventure Story)

by Deneld the Unspooked

You wake up.

Author's Note:

So here's how the game works. The story is told in the second person, yet "you" doesn't necessarily mean you, the reader. Rather, it means the audience as a whole, acting on the world through the character of Joffrey. You can, however, have sway over Joffrey's behavior in the story.

As a Create Your Own Adventure story, you choose what Joffrey does. Just leave a comment telling me what you want Joffrey to do at the end of the chapter. I will look back at the comments section in a few days, and whichever comment gets upvoted the most will be the action Joffrey takes. Then, a new chapter is written, and the comments/voting starts over again on the new chapter. Downvotes are not taken into account, as they over-complicate things, so please don't ask about them.

There's really only one rule: You cannot make Joffrey willingly take any action that would directly result in harm upon his own person. Enforcement of this rule can be relaxed under certain circumstances, e.g. if you're playing a wounded gazelle gambit, or (after considerable character development) you want to sacrifice for somepony you love. This rule is mostly just there so we don't have people telling Joffrey to kill himself because they hate Joffrey. This does not apply to making decisions that are less-than-optimal for roleplaying purposes, as we all know Joffrey isn't the smartest guy around.

Now, please enjoy the story, and have fun playing the game.

A blur enshrouds your vision as you open your eyes and let out a groan. You feel your spine resting on a feather mattress, and a warm woolen blanket draped over you from the neck down. Chattering meets your ears from all sides, muffled by a haze from which you have yet to recover. Your head aches; your muscles are numb. Once you take a deep breath, you slide your hand down your chest and belly, feeling the regal outfit adorning them as you slide your fingers down to your waist, then wrap them around the leather-enameled hilt of Widow’s Wail, your Valyrian steel longsword which was gifted to you on your wedding day by your grandfather, Tywin Lannister, the Hand of the King. The Hand of Joffrey Baratheon, lawful King and rightful ruler of Westeros. Your Hand.

At least, before a goblet of wicked wine took it all away from you in an instant.

You attempt to slide Widow’s Wail out of her scabbard, yet her blade barely touches the air when a torrent of icy water falls on your face. You grunt as the water drenches your clothes and hair. The wet chill clings onto your attire, yet it also banishes the haze from your senses. You take another look around you, to find six equines surrounding you around the bed on which you laid, the purple one at your feet looking down at you with a bucket hovering over you in her magical grip, and a contemptuous scowl stretched across her face. You look left, seeing a white equine with a horn and a purple mane, and an orange equine with a straw hat. You look right, seeing two winged equines, one blue and one yellow. A groan escapes you as you lay a palm across your cheek and rub it.

You look up to the purple equine. “Who are you? Where am I?”

The equine’s scowl grows. “You don’t get to ask questions around here, Joffrey.” A beat. “But if you must know, I am Princess Twilight Sparkle. You are in a guest quarters of the Friendship Castle in Ponyville.”

“Why am I here?”

“Hm. Why do you think, Joffrey? Why do you think you’re over here?”

“Because the Seven wanted to fuck with me, I imagine.”

The Princess spits on you. “Language!”

Your lips contort themselves to an angry grimace as the horse’s spittle insults you with its sticky consistency and garlic-like scent on your face. That bitch spat on me! The Lord of the Seven Kingdoms! I’ll show this stupid fucking horse. I’ll show her her own beating heart! You throw the woolen blanket off your body with a mighty push, then bolt up out of the bed and up on your feet as you pull Widow’s Wail from her scabbard in a single blinding motion. Now standing with the eyes of the impudent so-called Princess just slightly above your waist, you wind your body with tightened muscles, aiming the point of Widow’s Wail down at one of her forelegs to drive it through her joint before you go to cut her open. But the Princess lights her horn. At the appendage’s glow, your movements are no longer your own. Although the rage continues to boil in your gut, you can only watch as your body points Widow’s Wail back down at her scabbard before easing her back in. Once her crossguard meets her scabbard’s outer rim, you attempt to pull the sword back out, but nothing budges. The Princess then releases the hold she had on your body, yet your sword is still stuck. You let out a defeated sigh, then look down to the Princess with furrowed brows.

“What was that for, anyway? That’s no way for a so-called Princess to behave. I demand to see your king.”

Twilight scoffs. “We know what you did back in Westeros, Joffrey. It’s disgusting.”

“Then why am I here?”

“Because Princess Cele-“

“I don’t care about some damned court harpy! Your king. I want to see your king!”

Twilight stubs her nose up at you. How dare a petty princess stub her nose at a king. “We don’t have kings, Joffrey. Nor queens, nor emperors. We only have Princesses here, Joffrey.”

You let out some cross between a chortle and a scoff. “That's stupid. What sort of kingdom has no king?”

“A better kingdom than yours.”

You rush the air into your chest through your nostrils, then let out a long breath in an attempt to expel some of your anger. It works. “Why am I here? At least tell me this, ‘Princess’. If you know about me and hate me so goddamned much for it, then why in hell would you bring me here from my rightful kingdom to this shitty horse place?”

The Princess blinks. “Because, Joffrey. Princess Celestia — our ruler — wanted to test the limits of the magic of friendship. You see, Joffrey, we here in Equestria don’t believe in punishment. We find it cruel and vindictive. Therefore, we take it upon ourselves to reform and rehabilitate the criminals of the world. To show them a more righteous path. In her wisdom, Her Royal Highness has decided to bring you over here simply because you are the most vile and despicable being in the multiverse. You are a sadist. A liar. A warmonger. A coward, and an idiot. All at the tender age of thirteen. You, Joffrey, are utterly evil by nature. This, in her mind, makes you an ideal candidate for testing friendship’s limits. Let me put it simply. We want to reform you and make you into a good person. That’s why you’re here. So you can become a good person.”

You roll your eyes, sighing and shaking your head as you do. “That is some of the most ridiculous crap I have ever heard.”

“I figured you’d say that.” A beat. “Which is why you have a second option. The royal dungeon. It’s your choice, Joffrey. You either become my student in the magic of friendship, or you rot in the dungeon until further notice. What’s it gonna be, Joffrey? I’m just dying to hear your answer.”

Comments

[hs0003]

Slap the pony, Joffrey.

[VitalSpark]

media.giphy.com/media/RS26SZVbcRjy0/giphy.gif
This is the story that Fimfiction has been waiting for!

[Waiting for Godot]

7611546 Indeed, I'm mildly disturbed and it's only the beginning.
7611545

[hs0003]

7611547 ??

[VitalSpark]

My choice: grudgingly accept the position of Twilight's student, believing it will be easier to double-cross her than it would to escape a dungeon.

[Maxes Altho]

Everyone in Equestria takes turns stabbing/slapping the blonde bitch until he's nothing but a red smear.

[Waiting for Godot]

7611552 Apologies, an error with posting. I meant to post to you as I posted to Vital Sparkle. I agree with Vital by the way.

[The oracle]

Decide to go along with her for now, but antagonize her at every turn.

[VariusMayhem]

I was in a mighty foul mood before I came here due to some shit with the Windows update, but after reading this:

“I don’t care about some damned court harpie! Your king. I want to see your king!”

Now I feel better. But better correct that harpy typo.

Oh and about the decision:
I prefer the dungeon over the insolence of speaking with them. They don't believe into the principle of punishment? I'd love to take that to the test. After all, a king of seven kingdoms bows to no one. Where would the integrity be if Joffrey has to follow their every string like a puppet to dance as they please? He will escape one day or another, feigning weakness one guard will get careless and then...

I've got no strings
To hold me down
To make me fret, or make me frown
I had strings
But now I'm free
There are no strings on me

[Deneld the Unspooked]

7611582 Fixed.

[Donraj]

Her Royal Highness has decided to bring you over here simply because you are the most vile and despicable being in the multiverse.

...He was a contemporary with Ramsay Bolton.

[GamingWolf]

I think VitalSpark and The oracle's idea should be one. I will give this a try and set aside my dislike for that. . . person.

[tgrtyhythrth]

Shady, aftermath
There she goes shaking that ass on the floor
Bumpin' and grindin' that pole
The way she's grindin' that pole, I think I'm losing control

Get buzzed, get drunk, get crunked, get fucked up
Hit the strip club don't forget once get your dick rubbed
Get fucked, get sucked, get wasted, shit faceted
Pasted, blasted, puke drink up, get a new drink
Hit the bathroom sink, throw up
Wipe your shoe clean, got a routine
Knowin' still got a few chunks on your shoestring
Knowin' I was dehydrated till the beat vibrated
I was revibed as soon as this bitch is gyrated
And hips and licked them lips and that was it
I had to get Nate Dogg and his sing some shit

Two to the one from the one to the three
I like good pussy and I like good trees
Smoke so much weed you wouldn't believe
And I get more ass than a toilet seat
Three to the one from the one to the three
I met a bad bitch last night in the D
Let me tell you how I made her leave with me
Conversation and Hennessey
I've been to the muthafuckin' mountain top
Heard muthafuckers talk, seen and dropped
If I ain't got a weapon I'm a pick up a rock
And when I bust yo ass I'm a continue to rock
Getcha ass of the wall with your two left feet
It's real easy just follow the beat
Don't let that fine girl pass you by
Look real close cause strobe lights lie

We 'bout to have a party (turn the music up)
Let's get it started (Go head shake your butt)
I'm lookin' for a girl with a body and a sexy strut
Wanna get it poppin' baby step right up
Some girls they act retarded
Some girls are bout it bout it
I'm lookin' for a girl that will do whatever the fuck
I say everyday she be givin' it up

Shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me
Come on girl, shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me
Oh girl, shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me
Come on girl, shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me

I'm a menace, a dentist, an oral hygienist
Open your mouth for about four or five minutes
Take a little bit of this fluoride with it
Swish but don't spit it, swallow and I'll finish
Yeah me and Nate d-o double g
Looking for a couple bitches with some double d's
Pop a little champagne and a couple E's
Slip it in her bubbuly, we finna finna have a party

We 'bout to have a party (turn the music up)
Let's get it started (Go head shake your butt)
I'm lookin' for a girl I can fuck in my hummer truck
Apple Bottom jeans and a big ol' slut
Some girls they act retarded
Some girls are bout it 'bout it
I want a bitch that sit at the crib with no panties on
Knows that she can say no but she won't say no
Now look at this lady all in front of me, sexy as can be
Tonight I want a slut, will you be mine?
I heard you was freaky from a friend of mine

Now I hope you don't get mad at me
But I told Nate you was a freak
He said he wants a slut, hope you don't mind
I told him that you like it from behind

Now, shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me
C'mon girl, shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me
Oh girl, shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me
C'mon girl, shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me
We bout' to have a party (turn the music up)
Let's get it started (go ahead shake that butt)
I'm lookin' for a girl with a body and a sexy strut
Wanna get it poppin' baby step right up
Some girls they act retarded
Some girls are bout it bout it
I'm lookin' for a girl that will do whatever the fuck
I say everyday she be givin' it up

There she goes, shaking that ass on the floor
Bumpin' and grindin' that pole
The way she's grindin' that pole
I think I'm losing control

God, come one,
I ain't leavin' without you bitch
You're coming home with me
And my boy,
And his boy,
And his boy,
And his girl

Ha ha, Nate Dogg

[Profesionalac]

7611670 gonna say this now best comment I've seen on here

[Ericcartmanlikescheese]

7611697

[say something witty from 4chan]

[CassandraMyOCisBestpony]

My choice is walk him off a cliff.

[Yinglung]

I'll simply give this bold story an upLannister and see what happens.

[Cozybro]

Twilight screwed up.

[that volksblob guy]

Rot in the dungeon ain't no one gonna listen to this bitch ass magical creature!

[VegaSakusa]

my choice? Summon Unicorn Gundam and lay the smack down :P