This is not helping

by EverlastingKnightmare

The chapter in which stuff happens

It had been three days since I was placed under ‘town arrest’ by that one pony Pinkie knew and I was now free to leave, so naturally I almost jumped over the walls. “YES! Pinkie!” I looked at the pink party pony resting upon my shoulder. “Let us head for the capital and share my new rehabilitated state with the ponies!” We both cheered and when I was out of view I fake threw up. “That was THEE most hated three days of my life. Now that that is done, I need to kill something.” I left Pinkie on the road while I went into the woods with my scythe in hand. I surprisingly found nothing big enough to kill, all their was were birds and squirrels, nothing worthy enough of my awesomeness. “Damn, nothing, not even a bear.” I sighed and leaned on my scythe. “Do I have to go into song and dance to attract something?” I turned around to see a unicorn pony of gray color chopping down a tree. “OH! A forester!”

I snuck up behind him and grabbed the axe as it was floating back. “Excuse me.” He turned to me with a smile that turned to horror as soon as he saw me. “I seem to have-” I popped my head off and grinned at him. “-lost my head, mind if I borrow yours?” He backed up into the tree, shaking with terror. “I’ll take that as a yes!” I laughed darkly and put his neck between my blade and the tree. “Thanks again!” I pushed down and the scythe slipped past his flesh to meet the tree. When it was finished the body hit the ground and the head balanced neatly on the side of the blade. “Awesome way to kill someone.” I chuckled darkly, but when I tried to put my head back on it wouldn’t stay. “Good thing I cut his head off, hope this works.” I picked his head up by the mane and sighed. “Bombs away!” I put the head on my shoulders and blacked up. After about five minutes of not knowing what the hell was going on my vision returned and I noticed I was shorted. “The fuck...”

I looked at the ground and noticed that all my old bones had fallen to the ground, along with my hold head. Where the foresting ponies body was there was nothing but a small pool of blood. “Well thats nice.” I chuckled and looked at myself, I was still wearing my robes so that’s a plus. I moved around a bit and got a look at my bones, everything looks like pony bones. “So I’m a pony now? Blending in will be a breeze!” I laughed and stuck my scythe in my ribs, a little faster this time cause the ribcage was wider. I walked back to where I left Pinkie.

“Hiya Jon! You look different....Did you cut your hair?!” She gasped at me, as if this were a concept beyond imagination!

“I totally did, but lost my head in the process, had to borrow another one.” I did a pony bow. “And this forester was kind enough to lend me his.”

“Well that was nice of him!” Pinkie laughed and bounced up and down. How she was able to do that still eludes me, but it’s kinda funny.

“Alright Pinks, today we move for that town castle thing on that mountain!” I stood on my back hooves and pointed dramatically at the mountain. “We shall mess with their shit! And rob a few ponies!” Somehow Pinkie cheered, whenever I talk about this kinda stuff she gives me a sad look, maybe shes getting use to the way I do things?

“Maybe we can visit Celestia as well!”

“Sure! But last though, we have to cause shit.” I got back down on all four hooves and began walking, to be honest in this form moving was easier, the four legs thing was still kinda weird. We walked for a while, the city in the mountain was NOT getting any closer, so to pass time I started talking with Pinkie.

“So Pinks, why do you keep following me?” I turned my head sideways a bit to look at her jumping up and down behind me.

“I dunno, a new adventure! We haven't gone on many lately, even if my friends aren't here it’s still fun.”

“Well, it would be traveling with me or hanging out with your friends, and if they didn’t hate me then they would have more than likely come along, but they do, and it’s too bad.” I grumbled. “They tried to KILL me, not surprising. Oh and sorry I headbut your rainbow friend.”

“It’s alright, she’ll get over it.” She bounced up and next to me.

“So, what is this ‘Canterlot’ like?” I asked, noticing we actually got closer.

“It’s full of fancy looking ponies who don’t like my kind of parties.”

“A criminal act.” I said absentmindedly while we walked up the cobblestone walkway, by the looks of it it was made so ponies walking could get into the city. “Right, distract the guards while I get in. We won’t be here long, I have a bad feeling in my chest area.” I muttered as I snuck into some hedges planted next to the little road. Pinkie bounced over to the guards and began talking a million miles an hour. “Glad I don’t have ears...” I muttered as I saw the eyes of the guards begin twitching, poor bastards. I made my way through the hedge until I was in the city area, fancy dressed ponies walking to and from areas outside my vision from this area.

“Ok, did I do good?” Pinkie was suddenly on my back, I was a large pony so it wasn't too much of a problem.

“Wonderfully Pinks, they might even need therapy!” I chuckled like a skeleton (heh) and walked out of the hedge.

“Excuse me.” Suddenly there was a fancy dressed mare RIGHT BESIDE ME! I jumped, bad. “What is that robe made of? It looks like a flowing liquid.”

“Honestly I don’t know, just picked it up one day.” What? It’s the truth.

“I simply must know! And are you quite alright? Your voice is cracking terribly.” I am surprised, I thought they would be snooty, huh.

“No I am alright, thanks.” I said as I turned to walk away.

“At least come with me to a tailor, I wish to know what that fabric is!” ARGH! I’MMA SLAP A BITCH!

“Alright.” Soon Jon, soon... I followed the mare through the town, getting compliments from ponies about my robe GAH it was infuriating! We finally made it to the tailors place and I was instantly the target of fashion, and it was horrifying, I FELT Pinkie shiver on my back.

“WHERE did you get the fantastic cloke!?” The male pony with the suspicious voice and AWESOME mustache.

“I picked it up in a town a while back, can’t remember which since I travel a lot.” He gave me a blank look for a minute before shrugging and looking closely at the robe.

“It moves like water, shines in the light, and looks a bit like obsidian, but it can’t be...” He then appeared RIGHT in front of me and in my face. “May I have a bit of this cloak? I must study it!” If I was capable of moving my face beyond a smile I would have had the look of pure terror.

“Um, sure. But only a small piece, I like this cloak.” And just like that a small piece of my cloak was cut off and brought to the back. “Well I hope you're happy, this is the only piece of clothing I have!” I growled at the mare who had dragged me here and left. “I need to kill something, Pinkie we’re leaving. Sorry but Celestia’s flank can be spanked later.” The comment made Pinkie gasp, could you blame her? I just said I would, at some point, spank a goddess’s royal flank....

And I would do it in front of her kingdom, and the world. Then make her beg for more.

“GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” I suddenly screamed at the top of my lungs. Making Pinkie fall off my back as I stood on my hind hooves. “WHY!? CRUEL ONE! MUST I NOT HAVE REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS!?” I screamed to the air when my vision suddenly went black. “Dammit, again?”

“Whine whine whine.” A voice KINDA like mine called from behind me. “You're just looking at the near endless black ceiling.” I looked down and saw that there were actually candles in the...I think this is a cave, anyway it had candles, BIG ONES! Like the ones you find in temples that have burned for thousands of years.

“Right, so who you be?” I turned to the voice to see he had the same robe I had. “Nice sense of fashion.”

“Thank you.” I saw him grin under his hood. “My name is Necore the IMPRISONED Bone Lord king.” He yelled imprisoned, must have upset him. Now that I get a good look at him he seems to be chained up with really dark chains. “Now, I used up the power I've been working up for a LONG time to bring you here. Be a bro and cut the damn chains.”

“I dunno, they look pretty strong.” It was true, they look like they were made of metal beyond that of even dipping in lava!

“Just do it, see what happens.” He sounded a lot like me, and was a bro, HOW COULD I SAY NO?!

“Ok fine,” I pulled my scythe out of my ribs with my teeth and did a downward slash on the a part of the chains, and what do you know it cut like paper. The chains began to move rapidly, retreating to some unknown location as Necore slowly got up, his bones cracking the whole time he moved.

“You do not know how GOOD if feels to be able to move after 2.4 million years!”

“Holy shit, you’ve been here that long?”

“Yup, now to help you with your job a little more.” He walked over to me while holding up a piece of bone. “Put this in your ribs, it’s a human bone.”

“Alright...” I looked at him strangely. “What will that do?” He looked at me for a few moments before facepalming.

“I thought by this time I learned this.” He mumbled to himself and held out the rib. “Bone Lords can take on the skeletal structure of any creature they kill if they rip out a bone and replace that bone on their body with said bone. For example, this bone is a human bone, so if you put it in your rib cage then it will turn you back into a human skeleton.” I took the bone in my teeth and reached into my ribs, as soon as the bone touched my vision went black for a few minutes. When it came back I was just a bit taller then Necore and I felt back in my element. “See?”

“Cool!” I looked at my old hands, god it’s good to have hands again. “So this works for any creature?”

“Except dragons, you can only have one dragon body part, wings counting as one.” Welp, looks like I’m going dragon hunting later. Necore walked over to one of the four candles and put one out. “Now, I want you to head for Stalliongrad, there will be a dark pelted pony named Breeze Walker there. He’s a noble, but you have to prove to him you can fight pretty damn good with your fists, I recommend starting a bar fight.” He turned back to me and pulled something out of his robe. “Take these, it will make the fighting easier on the way, and when I teleport you out of here go to the right a little ways.” He held out to me 6 rings, each a different color.

“Right, what are these used for?” He facepalmed again, its not my fault I don’t know stuff!

“They allow magic usage, just say the latin word for the spell you want to use and it will happen depending on what ring it is you use. Like this red one? Fire magic. All you have to do is whisper the word and the effect happens.” He poked my forehead and WHOA! My mind is now full of fuck and I love it! SO MUCH KNOWLEDGE! “There, you should know the words now.” He patted my back and my vision went black again.

“How many times do I have to lose my vision today?” I said while still blind. After a moment I felt grass touch my feet and my vision returned. I was in forest, well a jungle. “Do I have to worry about mosquitoes?” I grinned as I turned to the right, remembering Necore’s advice. “I think not.” I laughed hysterically while I walked. I walked a good hour through the jungle, nothing really got in my way, I was at least hoping for a bore or a bear. “NOTHING TO DO!” I shouted out, again nothing happened. “Why the hell did he want me to come this way? There’s nothing her-” I stopped mid sentence to take the time to fall off a cliff, it was quite a nice fall, peaceful, rather loud and filled with swearing on the way down.

“-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCHHHH!” I landed face first on black ground, but it felt like dirt? I looked up to see a rather large skeleton of a beast I had seen only in awesome books. “Dragon!” I cheered and shot up. “But why is the ground black?” I wondered out loud and shrugged. I walked over to the skeleton, it seems to have been picked clean by something, maybe another dragon? “Right, what did that guy say about dragon bones......Oh right, I have to pick ONE body part to take...” I began thinking about this, if I had a claw I could easily rip anything to pieces and look like a total badass, if I had wings I could look badass and more than likely not be able to fly....

“Wings it is.” I trolled myself out of a awesome claw.....Sounds just like me. I plucked off the base of the wing bones after a climb up onto the back of the dead dragon. “Fall from here, might just break open my skull.” I muttered as I looked down, this fella was fucking huge! I gazed at the two bones for a small while until and reached under my cloak and put them on two different place, my shoulderblades. I waited a moment the let go, they didn’t fall off. “Right, now what?” I asked to no one in particular when I heard cracking. “I wonder if I should be feeling pain right no- GAHHHHHHH FUCK!” Pain suddenly ruptured from my back and spread throughout.

“Now you see.” I heard Necore’s mocking voice in my head, though it was kinda hard to pay attention to him for obvious reasons. “This is why your vision goes black, your body knocks you out while your bone structure changes to match the new bone added. Don’t worry since it’s only two bones it will end in a second.” He was right, a few seconds after he was done talking the pain stopped all together.

“Motherfucker.” I muttered as I looked behind me to see rather large skeletal wings, I could feel them to, like they had always been there. “That’s trippy.” I chuckled and gave them a flap, which sent me into the air a few feet and scared the shit out of me. “WHOA! COOL!” I continued to flap them until I was sure I was almost out of the atmosphere. “Let’s not go any further.” I muttered and looked down to the planet. “Let’s see...” I scanned the ground to see if anything that could make me look like I’m doing something productive. It was then I spotted a city looking thing a ways away from the jungle. “Target acquired.” I grinned like a madman and dove at the city at full speed, about half way I was beginning to regret this. “Hmm, maybe I should have thought this through a bit more...” I said as I neared the town.

Comments

[The Thinker]

Skeleton. Flowing cloak. Huge badass cythe. Skeletal wings.

Somebody's played darksiders 2!

[EverlastingKnightmare]

1362011

[Orrkon]

1362011 so true all he needs now is a badass undead horse (pinkamena))