• Member Since 29th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 28th, 2015

EverlastingKnightmare


Hello, and goodbye, *Bang*

T

Jon is a mafia hit-man that loved his job with all his heart, but when a strange man sends him to a new world with a evil purpose what will he do?

He'll do more then evil, oh yes. A bone lord can do a lot of evil things.


Written in the world that was made by Rust and expanded by Blackwing.

Chapters (12)
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Comments ( 132 )

Right now he's in Gem Fido right above Equestria, just felt like pointing that out :pinkiehappy:

Alright, incoming criticisms.

First, there's some minor grammatical errors such as using "to" instead of "too" (remember "to" is used as in "I'm going to the doughnut shop" too is used like "I want to shoot that gun too". And if this doesn't help, then just go to this website.)

Next would be pacing. You're story is moving too fast, not enough details even in the slow parts.

Another thing would be that he just suddenly knows what the name for a d-dog is, instead of continuing to refer to them as "Werewolf things" when he had no indication that they had any such name. :trixieshiftright:

Also, he just happened to get a headshot with a bow? Believe me when I say archery is hard as all hell, and without training getting a headshot is impossible unless they just jump right in front of the arrow.

One more thing I've noticed is that you have him actually talking to himself and saying what's around him instead of just describing it. Normally people wouldn't talk to themselves about their surroundings.

....I think that's it for criticisms.

Other than that, good stuff. Keep at it, but keep these things in mind.

805258 He's insane, the trip from earth to here snapped his sanity in two, threw it in a oven, and served it to god for a afternoon meal. And one of the d-dogs said that it was a d-dog, so he went with that. He will talk to himself a lot, being nuts and all.

And I will try and slow it down a bit.

Now then
i.imgur.com/bv0Hb.jpg
peace be with ya brothar.

You're description of your character is kind of confusing... One moment things are sticking into him, the next he's a skeleton. :unsuresweetie:

Also, this random killing thing. NOBODY kills for absoloutely no reason. Even people who are gone into the pits of madness kill for a reason. Either because it's fun, or some bit of lunacy is telling them they need too. But nobody does it for no apparent reason. Least of all a proffesional hit-man. As he is a proffesional he would know that he needs to reign himself in until he gets a client, and therefore a legitimate reason to kill something. And he would avoid being so flamboyant, because the more he sticks out the harder it will be for him to do his job. :trixieshiftleft:

Whew... Sorry bout that. Hitmen are kind of a thing for me, so I get a bit :pinkiecrazy: when I see them acting in a way that real hitmen wouldn't act in. Anyways, point is 1.) you need to let the readers get deeper into this guys head. Show his thoughts and feelings so we know his motivations, and 2.) make him a bit less flamboyant. K?

(Also, I just remembered that in the last fic he buried himself, then got woken up by sunlight.... )
t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT6GdOl0ZN_QmlDe59sFuFfbH2HwUGZyRaa5T4gqjY5qj46ZOLujsBFgMYp

805350 He killed the shop owner cause he was being too nice to him, he was thinking to himself 'Why the hell were they not tough as kids to not talk to strangers, and he is being WAY to nice, let's teach them lessons :pinkiecrazy: ' and he didn't want to be arrested by the guards. He'll head to the volcanic wastes and put up a job bored thing at some point, who doesn't like a hit-man that could get rid of bounty hunters? Oh and he was tasked to kill some of the pieces on the broad, tho he won't be able to unless I have the ok from the owners. So he already has a job but does not know who the targets are, so ending some people would could help, all tho that has a low chance of happening it could still happen.

805412 Just..... Tone him down a bit. For the sake of my sanity please.

And actually, this works out. I need to kill off Fate. And I want to give him an epic send-off (as he is pretty much the first character I've truly created)

So, if all the other authors in the collab agree, I'm probably going to..... :pinkiehappy:


(Shhh, no spoilers)

805474 Send me a message saying what it is? You have got me wanting to know now :pinkiehappy:

805727 nope. Just gonna have to wait till tomorrow :trollestia:



In other news. Goodnight. =3

805773 SONOVA! Oh well, and if Jon is going to be there then some timey wimy shit is going to have to hit the fan. And when that happens in my story it will be way later, so he will be different when he is there, still have his scythe tho :pinkiesmile:

KILL THE MAIN CHARACTER OFF IN THE NEXT CHAPTER AND THEN TURN THE FIC INTO A COMEDY ROMANCE ABOUT WAITER AND A RICH PONY!:pinkiecrazy:

So there's a guy going around just disliking these stories because they are made of this universe.......YAY I ONLY HAVE ONE ACTUAL DISLIKE! Not that meany faces dislike, his does not count. :pinkiehappy:

805258 Headshots in archery are difficult, but it depends what kind of bow you're using: Crossbows are significantly more accurate than longbows or other bows of that type, simply because they don't rely on the shooter to hold the bowstring back. You only need to pull the trigger.

due to the pic I was hoping for a Dream Eater Merry crossover :pinkiesad2:

Interesting. I liked the way how this is the first evil-chaos guy I have seen. Keep up the good work.

Interestung another peice to our board.
If your gunna kill someone off,
Kill Orrkon's guy their annoying and it be lovely chapter!
Oh and where is this in the timeline?

807777 One day after the Gala. So if I'm going to kill someone from the past then I would have to time travel and to be honest he would be more of a badass when he's able to do that.

806882 Sorry bro, I just kinda snatched that up out of no where. :pinkiesad2:

Oh, someone in this universe that is completely insane and evil! FUN

808959 I feel like all the undead will have to come together at some point for a little 'talk'.
Right now the undead count stands at 3
My character:Rorke (undead anubite)
Your character:Jon (Bone lord)
Gearhorn's character:Red Tide (Undead Skelly Pony Lich)
Anyways I like your story but I have a question. Why did you decide to have your character feel pain if he's dead?

811138 It wouldn't be very fair if he felt no pain at all, only if his bones break like that will he feel pain, but minor of that that should be felt.

811138 AND he's evil, I do not know what he would do faces with other undead. More then likely use you guys to test out what could kill him.

811335 Sorry to say then that Jon and Rorke will be coming into some serious conflict should they ever have an encounter with each other. Rorke is as neutral as it goes but when it comes to defending life he will become a zealot. Seeing as Jon is a killer and evil, things would get interesting real fast.
-Sturrn

And exactly how many beers did you have before writing this?:unsuresweetie:

817795 Meany.

817749 Mad enough to make Twilight blow up a door.

817837
No, if I wanted to be mean, I'd point out that the a before alicorn needs to be an an.

817906 Dammit I spelled that wrong I meant to say I had many drinks.

818107
But aren't we joking right now?

THIS STORY MADE ME LOL:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowkiss::derpytongue2::moustache:

YOU DARE SCARE FLUTTERSHY. Kill her instead

824893 I know I'm just measing with you:pinkiecrazy:

825217 Besides I would have gotten all of the hate from fluttershy lovers. :rainbowlaugh:

826519 She's a element of harmony, I could have Jon go back in time and kill her parents, for I have not see them in the show what-so-ever!

826532 so want to meet me or not like a casual meeting in canterlot

826787 Don't know, send me a message with what your character is like then we can put something together.

naw she isnt in trouble just going on a epic adventure

Poor Jon Reaper. We knew him well.... then he came back to life and everything is CRAZY! Just the way I like it!

842583 Heh, thanks. And crazy is always good.

842600 As long as it ain't.... you know what I'm not even going to say it.... But most crazy is good! Just not 'a certain confectionery sweet used to name a certain horror fic' crazy.

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