This is not helping

by EverlastingKnightmare

Arrival

My father used to tell me ‘the only way to get something in life is to take it.’. I took those words to heart when I went into the world to ‘get a life’ as he put it. I became a business man of sorts, well my company calls me ‘the businessman’. I work for a mafia, collecting debts and ‘removing’ people for a price. It payed well up to this point, until that one day...

I kicked down the door and held my pistol up, scanning the room for any signs of life. ‘No one here...’ I thought as I kept moving through the building. I was here to ‘remove’ anyone from the building so the family could use it for a later project and all I had to do was check two more floors. After I checked the rest of the floor I went for the stairs. I saw a figure bolt up the stairs as I rounded the corner. “HEY!” I called out and charged after him. When I got to the top of the stairs I saw it just finish climbing the second flight. “Dammit...” I muttered under my breath and charged up the stairs. To my surprise it kept running up the stairs and didn’t try and hide in the floor it passed. ‘he’s heading for the roof.’ I thought and charged after him, making sure my pistol was loaded. I heard the roof door slam shut and I grinned. ‘He cornered himself, perfect.’ I reached the top of the stairs and kicked down the rusty door, the family can fix it later. I saw the figure standing by the edge of the building looking down. “Your done now, buddy.” I called and pointed my pistol at him. He turned to me slowly and put his hands up, his hood blocking my view of his face.

“P-please good sir, have mercy on this poor soul!” He sounded like the kind of guy to give orders, maybe he was a drill instructor? I shook my head and grinned at him.

“No luck pal.” I chuckled. “Sorry.” I said sarcastically and pulled the trigger, but I didn’t see a bullet, in fact I started feeling pain. “W-what the?!” I looked down and I saw that my chest bleeding, a lot. I looked up at the man who had put his hands down and removed his hood, a devilish look on his face.

“Aww, seems your gun backfired. Want some help?” I fell to my knees and clutched my chest. He walked over to me and kicked my head, making me fall onto my back. “Listen you little pawn of mine.” He growled threateningly. “You have no heart by the looks of it, so you fit my interests. Do you want to live or die?” I couldn’t talk but I held up one finger as if to say ‘option one’. “Good, now I will be quick about this little talk. I’m going to be ‘invading’ a game that is going on right now, and I want you to take over and kill off other game pieces if possible. Understand?” I gave him a shaky nod as my vision began to blur. “Good, off with you then. Oh, and welcome to Equestria, even tho your not landing in that area.” He lifted up his boot and stomped on my face.

*CRACK*

I jumped up at the loud snap. “What the?!” I looked around and found myself in a field of sorts. There was grassy areas in some places but dried up dirt with cracks in it in others. “Where am I?” I spoke in a scratchy voice, but that may be a side effect of getting shot. I waited a moment then looked down at my chest, there was the hole in my shirt where the bullet had hit me and my shirt was stained red by the blood that had come from the wound. Out of the corner of my vision I saw my arms were white. On closer inspection they were bare of any skin. At seeing this I began to panic. I got up only to fall over again. “Dammit!” I hissed and facepalmed. “Ok Jon, take it slowly.” I was going to have to get use to the voice. I pushed myself up from the ground and wobbled there for a moment before being able to stand stil. “There.” I chuckled to myself. “Wait, didn’t a crack wake me up?” I began to check myself over. After a moment of checking I failed to see anything broken.

“Odd, might as well try and find shelter. It is getting chilly, oh wait that’s because of the fact I don’t even have skin.” I grumbled and began walking. "So this must be that 'Equestria' place that crazy guy was talking about..... Looks like a dump." I grumbled and kept walking until I noticed a small cave entrance in the ground a few feet to the north of me. “That works.” I sighed and walked over to it. “Hmm, a foot drop at least. I’ll find something to help me get out when I make a plan.” I jumped in and landed with a thud. My bones creaked when I landed, which scared me a bit because I don’t know what will happen if my bones break. “Good landing.” I chuckled and turned to look into the eyes of what look liked werewolves. “HOLY SHIT!” I fell backwards and scrambled back.

“What is this? Talking bones?” The wolf man walked over to be and picked me up by the collar of my shirt. “Is this pony magic?” I tried to gulp but being nothing but bones you don’t have the ability to do that. “No matter. No one intrudes on diamond dog den!” It threw me against the cave wall and pulled out a spear. I looked at it with wide eye sockets then, I don’t know how, closed my eyes tight and waited for it to end.

*CRACK*

…......Am I dead yet? I opened one eye then opened the other one to look at the spear stuck in my chest. “What the?” I grabbed it a tugged on it enough to pull it out.

“You are suppose to die!” The D-dog seemed to be nervous at the fact I survived the stabbing. I looked at the spear then at him, putting on a evil smile.

“Let’s try that again, this time the other way around.” I ran up to him with the spear in one hand. He went wide eyed as I stabbed the spear deep into his chest. He fell to the cave floor and wheezed for a few moments before finally going limp. “So, I can take a hit like that without dieing? That makes this so much easier.” I let out my ghostly shuckle and ripped the spear out of the D-dog's chest. I heard steps behind me and I turned to a group of 4 D-dog's. One of them had a bow and some arrows and another spear, the other two had swords.

“Dead thing kill friend!” One of them growled at me. I grinned and turned to them fully. “Kill dead thing! Make sure he stays dead!” The one with the bow drew a arrow and shot one at my chest, where it made another crack sound and stayed there. They all got shocked looks on their faces.

“That’s not how you say ‘hi’ to a new friend.” I chuckled and charged forward, stabbing one of the swordsmen in the heart with a spear. I swung the spear with the corpse still on it to the bowmen and knocked him over. I dove and picked up the sword that was dropped and took a battle stance. “Come get some.” I laughed and dove at the other swordsmen. Being train and all he blocked my attack and chopped at my shoulder. The blade sunk in a bit then stopped. “This is too easy!” I laughed again and stabbed him in the chest. He fell to the floor dead while I pulled his sword out of my shoulder. I turned to the last two, the spearmen and the bowmen. “Three down, two to go.” I laughed and charged forward. An arrow went straight into my forehead, only making me stumble back. “A headshot to? What can kill me?” I chuckled and tackled the spearmen. When I had him pinned I made an X shape with my blades and cut his head off. The whole time I was doing that the bowmen was firing arrows into my back, I think I had like 10 stuck to me by the time I got up. “Sorry dog, but you lose.” I Laughed and plunged one of my blades into his chest. He fell over dead at me feet. “Hmm, there might be more. Let’s find out!” I laughed and looted the bow off of the dead dog, also collecting the arrows that were stuck to my body.

I had followed the tunnels further down, killing everything in my way. Dogs, slaves of various kinds. What surprised me was that I saw ponies down here, along with, from what I can remember, griffins. "Must be from that one show Jake loved so much, what was it? My Little Pony Friendship is Magic?" I chuckled at the thought of him taking the TV for a little while every Saturday. They must have been taken as slaves to dig something up for the D-dogs. I kept going until I reached a large chamber with three dogs in it. Two were smaller spear wielding dogs while the other one was slightly larger and had a hammer. I took the bow off my back and drew an arrow. ‘Maybe I can get one without them seeing me...’ I thought as I drew the bow back. I released the arrow and it flew silently over to one of the smaller D-dogs where it entered its skull and killed it within a instant. When it hit the ground the other two looked at the dog in shock then turned to me with hateful glares when I yelled 'BOOM HEADSHOT!'. “Um, sorry?” I grinned sheepishly.

Comments

[EverlastingKnightmare]

Right now he's in Gem Fido right above Equestria, just felt like pointing that out

[werewolf435]

Alright, incoming criticisms.

First, there's some minor grammatical errors such as using "to" instead of "too" (remember "to" is used as in "I'm going to the doughnut shop" too is used like "I want to shoot that gun too". And if this doesn't help, then just go to this website.)

Next would be pacing. You're story is moving too fast, not enough details even in the slow parts.

Another thing would be that he just suddenly knows what the name for a d-dog is, instead of continuing to refer to them as "Werewolf things" when he had no indication that they had any such name.

Also, he just happened to get a headshot with a bow? Believe me when I say archery is hard as all hell, and without training getting a headshot is impossible unless they just jump right in front of the arrow.

One more thing I've noticed is that you have him actually talking to himself and saying what's around him instead of just describing it. Normally people wouldn't talk to themselves about their surroundings.

....I think that's it for criticisms.

Other than that, good stuff. Keep at it, but keep these things in mind.