When I was born, I knew nothing. And now here I am saving a world of ponies, as well as mine. Yay adventure.
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Hmm... You have my attention! Activating the tracking beacon!
7275488 Appreciate it, good sir. I thought it was time for the rebirth of Rising Hope, and this is its child that has had time to grow (about a year now, but I never started actually doing it.)
Makes sense, and I look forward to the coming chapters!
You don't mind if I make a Video Reading of this story?
7275781 Go right ahead, I would love nothing more than that. Is the prologue really that good to you, though?
A radical gang called The Abysmals. They're pretty much a band of people who wants to screw over the world in which we love.
Live
She is a sadistic, manipulating, back-stabbing bitch that let a hospital of patients, mostly pregnant woman burn down the street from The Cadillac Building just to prove a point.
pretty sure this should be 'manipulative'
She is a true manifestation of
allthe 7 deadly sinsaltogether into one person.This one feels abit awkward maybe try it this way?
Not only is Junko my sister, but she has [been] and still is trying to get me to join The Abysmals. If you don't already know, my sister is number 1 on The Most Wanted list. And for years, she's been
repeatedly given[giving] the authorities the slip.Yet, she doesn't get through all she's done, we can never go back to how things were.
can you rephrase that for me?
Why you make Jamir so weak?
7275928 A radical gang called The Abysmals. They're pretty much a band of people who wants to screw over the world in which we love.
That could be live, but I intended for it to be love, but thank you.
She is a sadistic, manipulating, back-stabbing bitch that let a hospital of patients, mostly pregnant woman burn down the street from The Cadillac Building just to prove a point.
Manipulative could be in place of that, I can see that.
She is a true manifestation of all the 7 deadly sins altogether into one person.
If doesn't necessarily feel awkward, but perhaps if you think of someone who angrily say this might work.
Not only is Junko my sister, but she has [been] and still is trying to get me to join The Abysmals. If you don't already know, my sister is number 1 on The Most Wanted list. And for years, she's been repeatedly given the authorities the slip.
Yet, she doesn't get through all she's done, we can never go back to how things were.
I could rephrase it for you. Beside those little things, what do you think of the prologue?
7275974 He's not that weak, but not trying to go for a Gary Stu. He'll have a true moment to shine, but I have to build upon it.
7275992
A radical gang called The Abysmals. They're pretty much a band of people who wants to screw over the world
in whichwe love.Try that then
I'm sorry to say this but after that last, err correction(?), I had to stop reading for abit normally grammar stuff doesn't get to me and this isn't even that bad but I couldn't keep going here.
I planned on coming back later, to see what it was about. But I can't say yet sorry. Hope you keep writing so when I do come back there's plenty to think about.
Awesome story. If you don't mind me asking, Why is it on Hiatus?
9086476
Taking some time to fix a few things in the chapter that I wanted to get a second opinion on, and now I'm working on it. Should be done in the next few days, cause I have so many things I'm working on, but I am glad to see you like it. Might I emplore you to look my other story, All For One?