The Equestria They Don't Want You To Know: Lyra's Guide to Conspiracies and Secrets

by TooShyShy

The Not-Really-Living Dead

He was one of the world's greatest unicorns. A creator of many spells, a symbol of magic itself in Equestria. If you've picked up a history book in the last fifteen years, you know who I'm referring to: Star-Swirl the Bearded. However, if you've been reading this guide from the beginning, you can probably guess where this is going.

As you'll undoubtedly be shocked to know, Star-Swirl the Bearded actually was a great unicorn wizard! But many of his less benevolent experiments have been ignored or downright stricken from the records! Star-Swirl the Bearded wasn't just working on simple magic. One of his longest and most successful experiments was carried out with the intention of awakening the dead! Star-Swirl the Bearded (known as “Star-Swirl the Zompony-Lover” at parties), was trying to use magic to turn the recently deceased into his own army of zomponies! And he succeeded!

So why did the princesses never utilize this magic created by Star-Swirl? Because they discovered that zomponies have one significant weakness: Cuteness! It is well-known that when a zompony encounters something adorable, it will instantly become distracted and eventually crumble into ash! A village of ponies was able to successfully avoid a zompony outbreak by sending a few hundred kittens and puppies into the local graveyard. This convinced Star-Swirl to give up on his experiments.

However, this was not the end of zomponies! The truth is that many ponies have dabbled in the art of raising the dead. Those who have include:

King Sombra (Tyrant of the Crystal Empire): Attempted to create an army of the dead to attack the princesses. Succeeded in raising over four thousand dead bodies, arming them with weapons, and attiring them in magic-proof armor. Entire plan fell apart when a baby squirrel somehow found its way into the graveyard. Even magic-proof armor couldn't save the zomponies.

Mayor Mare (Mayor of Ponyville): Attempted to raise an entire graveyard and persuade them to vote for her in order to win the mayoral election. Succeeded for the most part, but made the mistake of taking the zomponies to her cottage for a celebration party. Photo album containing baby pictures fell off of the mantle. The mess was probably not worth the extra four years of free dinners.

Flim and Flam (Businessponies?): Raised thirty deceased ponies to aid in manual labor. After three weeks, “workers” petitioned for higher pay (current pay was one bag of dirt for one hour of work. Zomponies wanted two, plus vacation days). Barn housing all five hundred of the zomponies mysteriously invaded by newborn kittens.

Pinkie Pie (Baker): Raised five dead ponies for a Nightmare Night party. Zomponies proceeded to drink all of the cider, eat all of the cake, and then pass out. Each received a swift party cannon to the face and a brand new grave, courtesy of Pinkie Pie.

These might have been merely close calls, but a zompony outbreak is still possible! A good truth-seeker will be prepared for the inevitable apocalypse caused by the living dead. If a zompony ever knocks on your door asking for sugar, there are three things you can do to avoid having your brain eaten:

Method 1: Throw foal powder in its face! The smell, combined by the image of a cute foal on the bottle, will send the zompony into shock, allowing you to pummel its face into nothing! However, when pummeling a zompony to dust, make sure your hooves, claws, or paws are covered with foal powder to avoid infection!

Method 2: Shake a cat at it! One look at a cat or a kitten and the zompony will forget all about its intent to eat your brain. Mostly because it will slowly crumble to dust at the sight.

Method 3: An axe! An axe is the best weapon to fight zomponies. But few truth-seekers or survivalists realize the proper way to prepare an axe before an encounter! First, paint the axe a vibrant pink. Next, cover the blade and the handle with purple glitter and tie a colorful ribbon to the neck. Finally, sprinkle the blade with foal powder. Now you've got a badflank weapon that will destroy any zompony who dares to tussle with you!

Tip from “The Wealthy Pony's Guide to the Zompony Apocalypse” (by Spoiled Rich): Use your foals as a shield!

What to do if bitten: Swallow a bar of soap! You'll still be a zompony, but you won't want to eat any brains with the taste of soap in your mouth!

Comments

[radlix]

okay lets see i got the glitter,the ribbon, the foal powder, and the paint now i just need the axe

[MidnightFMare]

That axe idea is good, but I'll stick to my Sweetie-on-a-stick.

All you have to do is wave this adorable ball of giggles and fluff and zomponies crumble!

[HarmonyRapids]

Filthy Rich huh? These are the worst writers!

[Butterscotch Moonglow]

7151254
I might be able to help you, or anybrony, with that matter. Take your pick of any of my selection of hatchets, Dane axes, battle axes, or splitting mauls (perhaps even a nice Zweihander would compliment your shining personality well enough?), anything for a fellow friend of the Equestrian Conspiracy Agency!

[looks around to slightly startled fans viewing the Totally Normal Cabinet of Axes]

....what?