A glimpse into the Equestria they don't want you to know about.
Greetings, noble truth-seeker! If you've picked up this book and/or found it in a trash can, it means you've grown bored of the sugar-coated lies gleefully swallowed by the brainwashed masses. This guide contains almost everything you need to know about Equestria, from the truth about Princess Celestia's mane to the names and motives of groups operating in the shadows. It's all here, gathered and meticulously documented by a team of skilled authors. Read on if you must, but be aware of the risks. If it's discovered that you have gotten your hooves on this guide, who knows what will happen to you!
Greetings, citizen of Equestria! If you are reading this, it means that you are:
A. A worried citizen of our land who has come to know the truth
B. A concerned pony who saw something they shouldn't have
C. A changeling
D. A puzzled bookstore owner or librarian
E. All of the above
You have made the right choice, dearest reader! For you have chosen harsh truth over blissful security, regardless of the risk. However, I must warn you! By holding this book in your hooves/claws/hands/tentacles/fins, you are putting yourself in grave danger. Why, there is a high chance you are being watched right now. But worry not! If you feel as if you're being followed or observed, simply set this book on fire and throw it into a nearby bush. And now that you've taken care of those pesky pursuers, it's time to address some questions you undoubtedly have.
1. What exactly is this book?
This, my clever mare, stallion, filly, colt, or foal, is your freedom! It is the truth! This book contains secrets, conspiracies, and puzzling puzzles the princesses do not want you to know!
2. Where did I get this book?
Unless you are one of Princess Celestia's magically enhanced spies, you undoubtedly found this charming little volume on your doorstep or underneath your bed. Perhaps you ordered a doughnut, but inside the bag you instead found this book. Or maybe you went to the movie theater and were handed this book instead of your bag of popcorn. Do not panic! If you have been given this book, it means you are destined to be one of our noble truth-seekers!
3. What “conspiracies”?
Every day we are being brainwashed to believe things that are not true. We are merely sheep, tools of the oppressive tyranny of the princesses! But some of us have broken free. Some of us have seen things the princesses will deny exist!
4. Wait, why didn't any of my schoolbooks mention conspiracies and secrets?
Because schoolbooks are a clever tool of the princesses! In fact, all books are tools of the princesses! Books must be avoided at all costs…..except for this one, of course.
Note: Books are actually extremely dangerous, as the pages might be coated with invisible, odorless toxins meant to make you more compliant! We highly suggest piling up all the books in your house and then setting them on fire in the yard, preferably from a safe distance. For the safety of everypony else, we suggest you do this for your neighbors as well!
5. Who is Lyra?
Unfortunately, we cannot reveal to much about the wonderful, beautiful, and powerful author of this guide. If this book were to fall into the wrong hooves, the princesses would have her brain erased! Rest assured, Lyra is the only sane pony in this land!
6. I want to help! Where should I start?
Reading this book was a great start! You're 50% towards your goal!
Now that we've covered all the obvious questions, it's time for your orientation! As most sane ponies know, Princess Celestia herself employs over 200 spies. Most of them are mind-controlled stallions and mares who do the princesses' bidding and have no recollection of it! Fortunately, this simple test will help you figure out if you're one of Princess Celestia's spies. Note: If you're not certain about any of your answers, it's safe to assume that you're a spy. If this is the case, please hit yourself in the head with a blunt instrument until you forget everything in this book! The fate of Equestria depends on it!
Question 1: Do you like the taste of coffee in the morning?
Question 2: Do you sometimes read books for fun and/or knowledge?
Question 3: Do you sometimes wear clothes?
Question 4: Do you enjoy chocolate?
Question 5: Do you think Lyra is merely a deluded fool?
Question 6: Do you occasionally yawn?
Question 7: Do you sleep for more than one hour a day?
Question 8: Do you enjoy long walks on the beach?
Question 9: Do you believe that Celestia raises the sun and Luna raises the moon?
Question 10: Have you been counting the questions?
If you answered “yes” to any of these, you are most definitely a spy! If not, you are a normal, functioning equine!
If you are not a spy, please continue reading! If you are a spy, this is a harmless parody and nothing of any importance whatsoever!
Have you noticed your friends acting strange lately? Do not panic! It is obvious they have fallen victim to mind control, a tool the princesses utilize to keep “order”! If you believe your friend's mind has been seized by outside sources, look for these symptons.
1. Laughter
If your friend is laughing and smiling quite frequently, they are obviously trying to lull you into a false sense of security! If you're not careful, you will wake up bound and gagged in a chair with a needle sticking out of your back!
2. Generosity
Is your friend being oddly generous? Offering you snacks, drinks, or gifts? Do not accept anything they give you! If they give you food, spit it out at once! If they give you a gift, smash it into pieces immediately! It is either a concealed amnesiac or a powerful drug meant to soften your mind!
3. Intimacy
Is your friend acting unusually intimate? Getting closer to you, trying to kiss you, etc.? Expressing sudden feelings of romantic or sexual desire? Distance yourself from them at once! Sex is one of the many tools Princess Celestia's loyal agents use to silence and manipulate the masses! One minute you're in bed, the next minute you're having your kidneys removed! If your friend makes any sort of advance, your only choice is to knock them out with a strong kick or magic blast to the head!
Does your friend display any of these symptoms? If they do, your only real course of action is to take care of the problem yourself! Fortunately, there is one fool-proof way to take care of it: Lyra's Patented Anti-Mind Control Ritual (TM)!
Step 1: Separate the subject from others! Tell them you're throwing them a surprise party. Then, when they walk through the door, subdue them and drag them down to your basement!
Step 2: Mix up a batch of Lyra's Equally Patented Anti-Mind Control Liquid (TM)! (Recipe below)
Sour cream Dog food Carrots (chopped) Red wine (vintage)
Step 3: Pour the mixture into a marble tub.
Step 4: Dump your friend into the tub! If they can't swim, simply pour the mixture over them!
If you've done everything correctly, your friend should thank you! However, there is a chance you will fail and your friend will remain in their sorry state. If this happens, they will most likely flee, threatening to call the Royal Guards! If this occurs, follow these steps:
Step 1: Burn down your house
Step 2: Change your name
Step 3: Leave town and live in a cave
By now you're probably wondering: How can I prevent myself from being mind-controlled? Fortunately, it's as simple as following these tips below! If you follow every single one, you are guaranteed to be in control of your own mind at all times!
1. Always wear a straw hat! Its been proven that magic, especially mind control magic, cannot enter your brain through the material of a straw hat!
2. Always carry a pet rabbit! Rabbits are known to ward off all sorts of enchantments!
3. Practice safe sex! Remember to always wear full body armor while having relations!
4. Never eat sweets! Cupcakes, cake, brownies, and other such delectable treats have been found to be laced with potent mind control drugs! For safety, stick to a diet of peas, carrots, and oregano.
But what if you think you're being mind controlled right now? That's easy! Wine is one of only two other beverages known to combat mind control! If somepony has taken control of your brain, two bottles of wine will break the spell! Remember, the wine must be drunk in one sitting and straight from the bottle!
How do you know you're being mind-controlled? If you have to ask this question, it's already too late!
Fact! The changeling invasion was merely a clever ruse to paint the princesses as enemies of the changelings! In reality, the princesses employ changelings as operatives and spies, to keep an eye on the masses! There are changelings all around us, pretending to be our neighbors, our friends, our loved ones, and even our enemies!
Do not fret, noble reader! Identifying a changeling is even easier than identifying somepony under intense mind control! Is your newest friend actually a shape-changing beast in disguise? Well, do they….
Develop new/discard old interests over time?
Enjoy wearing clothes on occasion?
Normally go outside during the day?
If any of these are true, you've almost certainly got a changeling on your hooves! Fortunately, dealing with them is quite easy. A fact no unicorn will tell you is that there is one surefire cure for any kind of deceptive magic: Tomato juice! Tomato juice melts away any type of enchantment, including the magic changelings use to disguise themselves. Always carry at least two bottles of tomato juice with you at all times. If you suspect somepony is a changeling, you have to act quickly! Throwing tomato juice in their face will reveal their true self! However, changelings are clever. Sometimes they'll be clever enough to trick everypony, including you, into believing they're real. Just to be sure, you should throw tomato juice in somepony's face prior to a greeting!
But what happens if a changeling confronts you and you don't have any tomato juice? If you find yourself cornered by a pony you're certain is actually a changeling in disguise, your next-best method of defending yourself is singing! Changelings are terrified of show tunes. If you burst out into a jaunty show tune, the changeling will be completely incapacitated! In fact, if you want to be extra-safe, you should probably burst into a show tune as soon as you enter a room. This will temporarily stun any changelings in the vicinity, ensuring your safety!
Fact! Dragons went extinct centuries ago. But the history books, most of which were written by changelings, don't tell you this! All dragons that exist today are actually changelings in disguise! Avoid dragons at all costs! If you're forced to associate with them, use both the tomato juice and the show tune method above.
Fact! Queen Chrysalis, the queen of the Changelings, is actually Princess Celestia's lover! The two of them were married in a secret ceremony over a century ago. Chrysalis now resides in the castle, disguising herself as Princess Cadence! And what of Shining Armor, Captain of the Royal Guard? He's under intense mind control! Avoid both of these ponies at all costs and do not believe any of the lies they print in the papers!
Fact! Changelings are deathly allergic to dictionaries! Suspicious about who may or may not be a changeling? Leave a pile of dictionaries on their doorstep!
Fact! Workers in the fast food industry who are dissatisfied with their jobs are most definitely changelings! When around them, use extreme caution! Do not reveal any of your secrets or ask for extra ketchup!
We all know that changelings feed on love. However, their next food of choice is anger. If you ever come across somepony whose making you irrationally angry, they are definitely a changeling! Changelings will use various methods to incite anger in unsuspecting ponies, including, but not limited to:
Making up obvious lies about their skills and/or parentage
Combating facts with opinions
Using childish insults and name-calling
Ignoring all attempts at intelligent debate
Never fear! As long as you keep yourself calm, that vile changeling will never use you as a source of nourishment!
Is your every move being observed and documented? Yes, it is! Every moment of every day, you are being monitored to assure your compliance and naivety! Step one hoof out of line and you'll be “arrested”, taken to a secure location, and brainwashed!
But how are they monitoring me? I don't see anything suspicious!
Because the princesses are clever! They know the first places you'll look for monitoring devices! That's why they've chosen to conceal them in plain site, where the average citizen will never even think to look. They are monitoring you with…...the clouds! Yes, clouds! Those balls of fluff in the sky have actually been enchanted to act as surveillance devices! A team of skilled operatives within the “Weather Patrol” take care to place them in optimal positions all over Equestria!
To avoid being watched, simply follow these tips:
1. Never go outside during a rain storm
2. Do not leave your house unless the sky is free of clouds
3. Never walk underneath clouds if you can help it
4. If you must walk underneath a cloud, cover yourself completely in raspberry jam! This will make it impossible for you to be watched!
5. If you don't have any raspberry jam at the moment, begin making out with your own hoof! Those monitoring you will be too embarrassed to continue!
And never associate with anypony who is part of the “Weather Patrol”! If you say the wrong thing while a cloud is nearby, you could find yourself whisked away!
Clouds are not the only way you're being monitored! If you've ever received a free sample, it means that the Royal Guards are aware of your location at any given moment! Every “free sample” in Equestria contains a microscopic camera enchanted to “implant” itself within your body as soon as you swallow the treat. But you can easily get rid of the camera after ingesting it! Some laxatives should do the trick! Remember to always carry a pack of them in your saddlebags in case you're offered a free sample!
The Weather Patrol, consisting entirely of pegasi, is in reality a shadowy organization created for the purpose of yet more surveillance! The entire idea behind it is preposterous, of course! Whoever heard of ponies controlling the weather? This is another lie fed to innocent schoolfillies and schoolcolts! If you are a pegasus and you are asked to join the Weather Patrol, politely decline!
The Story! Princess Luna, corrupted by her malevolent desires, became a wicked mare of darkness known as “Nightmare Moon”. Princess Celestia was forced to banish her sister to the moon for her crimes.
The Truth! This wonderful tale of heroism and sacrifice is nothing more than a fabrication! Princess Celestia never banished her sister to the moon. The “wicked mare of darkness” spoken about in the stories is actually the third sister! And she was not a wicked mare of darkness at all! According to our research*, “Nightmare Moon” was actually leader of a secret race of equine known as the Moon Ponies!
Who are the “Moon Ponies” (TM)?
They are the puppetmasters behind some of biggest conspiracies in Equestria! A hidden race of ponies who reside on the moon, ruled by the benevolent Princess Nightmare Moon!
But what about Princess Luna's return and redemption?
A ruse! A ruse concocted by the princesses themselves to confirm their ludicrous story! If it wasn't for the drugs they put in our food to make us gullible and compliant, none of us would believe such a ridiculous tale! For one thing, the sun and the moon aren't raised by magic. That's just silly!
What do “Moon Ponies” (TM) look like?
Unfortunately, nopony knows! Everypony who has ever glimpsed a Moon Pony (or “Mony”) has been hauled away by the mysterious Mares in Pink and sent to the moon for their “crime”. And, to make sure their disappearance goes unnoticed, they are replaced by a magically engineered clone!
What “conspiracies” are the Monies behind?
Too many for this book to name! We highly suggest you read Planet of the Monies, an informative guide to Monies and their various conspiracies written by the illustrious Suri Polomare!
The following are a few excerpts from Ms. Polomare's book.
You know that ringing in your ears you sometimes get after hearing a loud noise? Yeah, that's totally the Moon Ponies trying to read your mind. Moon Ponies REALLY love invading your personal, you know, brain space and all that for evil purposes and what-not. So if you hear that ringing, you should probably stick your hooves in your ears and scream. Because they totally hate that stuff.
Ponies are always talking about the dangers of, you know, alcohol and magic dust and whatever. But that's just the Moon Ponies! They know that if we inhale enough magic dust or get drunk off our flanks, we'll be able to see them! Because they're invisible or something. And you have to be really high or really drunk to see them. Don't believe me? I've been drinking and huffing all Celestia-damned day and I've seen about five of them! And about three fairies, but that's a secret, mmkay?
Moon Ponies REALLY respect certain ponies. And if the Monies respect you, there's a chance they'll abduct you and make you a queen or something. Monies looove clothes. They're totally into wearing them, which is just bucking crazy. So if you're a fashion designer like me, be careful. In fact, for your own good, don't be a fashion designer. They might kidnap you so they can worship you or something. I don't know. I'm so bucking drunk right now. Omicelestia. Gtopajdjkdhdashhwhyagliteraryawardcelestiamabuck.
The Monies worship Princess Celestia's flank. No, I'm serious. They have a shrine and everything.
Can I stop writing this now? I have clothes to design or something. There's this big thingy of fabric. Or something. Coco, bring me the bucking fabric. THE FABRIC. Omicelestia, what am I doing with my life?
Naturally, Ms. Polomare's book isn't available in bookstores! The princesses would never allow the truth to be published! If you are interested in Ms. Polomare's book, please send five bits to the address on the back of this book. You should receive your copy, or a book of similar quality, in 2 to 70 weeks.
Alicorn (aly-corn) – A majestic race of equine known for their incredible magical power. Alicorns are a combination of Earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi. Possessing aspects of all three types of pony makes them extraordinarily powerful.
--Written Word's Dictionary (Fifth Edition)
Written Word, similar to Starswirl the Bearded, was another tool of the princesses forced to spread misinformation! Thanks to him, all the poor citizens of Equestria believe that alicorns are a majestic fourth type of equine. While this is true, alicorns are not what they appear! Alicorns are actually Moon Ponies! They made up a ridiculous story and took a form that would make us trust them, all so they could rule over us without us ever suspecting!
Yes, Monies can shapeshift! We might not know what they look like in their natural forms, but we know that these so-called “alicorns” are merely them in disguise! And this time, we have written evidence! The following is an actual excerpt from an actual transcript of an actual interview* with Princess Celestia!
Interviewer: What is it like being a princess?
P. Celestia: (laughs) It's overwhelming. I sometimes feel as if I've flown to the moon and back!
A careless slip-up on her part, but evidence for anypony intelligent enough to decipher it!
Notice the conspicuous lack of male alicorns? It's because all Moon Ponies are female, therefore any form they take is also female!
If all “alicorns” are female, how do they reproduce?
The same way contagious diseases spread: Through contact! If an “alicorn” touches you, you shall become an alicorn! However, unless they've used magic to enhance it, it is a very slow process. And which “alicorns” have had the process enhanced by magic? Princess Twilight and Princess Cadence! Their “ascensions” were merely tricks to further muddle the issue of alicornhood! When associating with one of the princesses, always wear protective clothing! A spiked helmet, a pair of gloves, and a surgical mask should do the trick. If you have recently been touched by an alicorn, watch out for the following symptoms!
Signs You are Turning Into an Alicorn:
1. Increased interest in fictional media (esp. outside of your demographic)
2. Increased tiredness in the evening/and at night
3. Increased love of cake
4. Increased desire for exercise
5. Increased appreciation for the princesses and their “peaceful” reign
“Alicornhood” can take up to twenty years to fully manifest itself! But luckily, there is a cure! If you believe you have been infected with “alicornhood”, your best bet is to take a nice long bath in chocolate syrup! A five-hour soak should be sufficient.
They have been with us for centuries. Lurking in the shadows. Observing us. Conferring with the Moon Ponies. Never interfering, but always watching. The elusive, the strange, the complex creatures known as: Hoo Mans!
What is a “Hoo Man”?
A “Hoo Man” is a very odd creature that can be found depicted in several ancient Equestrian cave drawings. The princesses keep them hidden from us because they are afraid we will find out the truth: That a long time ago, these “Hoo Mans” ruled over ponykind!
What evidence is there that these “Hoo Mans” exist?
There is evidence all around us! Every piece of modern technology we have developed thus far was actually introduced to us by these Hoo Mans! They originally gave ponykind the tools to flourish without magic, but the Moon Ponies rejected their vision of a magic-free, meat-eating society!
What do “Hoo Mans” look like?
Despite their intelligence, Hoo Mans are very unattractive creatures. According to the few known photographs of these creatures that exist, they appear as follows:
Tall Very large in the waist area A strange arrangement of bush-like hair around their “neck” area A strange object they refer to as a “fedora” (most likely some mind-reading device) permanently affixed to their heads Two long, noodly appendages known as “legs” for walking Two even more noodly appendages known as “arms”. Attached to said arms are odd appendages for grasping known as “hands”
Due to their inability to shapeshift or anything of that nature, they are forced to remain hidden!
Why do “Hoo Mans” feel the need to watch us?
That is still a mystery! But apparently, they are watching us at any given time!
Should I be worried about these “Hoo Mans”?
Fortunately, Hoo Mans don't seem at all dangerous. They seem content just observing us and only interfering occasionally.
If I happen to see a Hoo Man, what should I do?
Do not try to communicate with it in Equine! Hoo Mans have their own language that is similar, but also different, from ours. Their language includes many odd substitutions for common Equine words. In order to avoid confusion, memorize these substitutions!
Buck (Equine) = Fuck (Hoo Man) (ex. Applejack helps the farm by fucking trees)
Manure (Equine) = Shit (Hoo Man)(ex. That's a nice pile of shit, Applejack!)
Hay (Equine) = Hell (Hoo Man) (ex. I love to eat hell for breakfast.)
Music (Equine) = Dubstep (Hoo Man) (ex. I helped arrange the dubstep for my aunt's wedding)
Destroy (Equine) = Kill (Hoo Man)(ex. That building is going to be killed next week)
Bits (Equine) = Dough (Hoo Man) (ex. I'm going to need some dough before I go to the market)
Idiot (Equine) = Breasts (Hoo Man) (ex. That decision makes you a breasts)
Other Necessary Terminology
Sir (Male Hoo Man)
M'Lady (Female Hoo Man)
Accident (Adolescent Hoo Man)
Keep in mind that a raised “middle finger” is a sign of peace for Hoo Mans! This is according to Prince Blueblood, our trusted Hoo Man expert.
If I am forced to engage a Hoo Man in combat, how do I assure my victory?
Hoo Mans are powerful, but they have one significant weakness: Bees! A beehive should prove an efficient weapon to incapacitate a Hoo Man during battle. Friendly warning: Bees are very flammable.
Is there anything else I should know about Hoo Mans?
If you want to learn more about Hoo Mans, I suggest purchasing these books at your local (underground) bookstore:
Your Hoo Man and You: The Domestication and Training of Hoo Mans by Big Macintosh
One Hundred Business Practices of Very Successful Humans by Flim and Flam
Hoo Mans: A Long and Exciting History with Many Failures by The Great and Powerful Trixie
Hoo Mans Are Totally Metal by Moonlight Raven
The Pros and Cons of Interspecies Dating by Discord
Hoo Mans, Moon Ponies, and Other Myths by Time Turner
He was one of the world's greatest unicorns. A creator of many spells, a symbol of magic itself in Equestria. If you've picked up a history book in the last fifteen years, you know who I'm referring to: Star-Swirl the Bearded. However, if you've been reading this guide from the beginning, you can probably guess where this is going.
As you'll undoubtedly be shocked to know, Star-Swirl the Bearded actually was a great unicorn wizard! But many of his less benevolent experiments have been ignored or downright stricken from the records! Star-Swirl the Bearded wasn't just working on simple magic. One of his longest and most successful experiments was carried out with the intention of awakening the dead! Star-Swirl the Bearded (known as “Star-Swirl the Zompony-Lover” at parties), was trying to use magic to turn the recently deceased into his own army of zomponies! And he succeeded!
So why did the princesses never utilize this magic created by Star-Swirl? Because they discovered that zomponies have one significant weakness: Cuteness! It is well-known that when a zompony encounters something adorable, it will instantly become distracted and eventually crumble into ash! A village of ponies was able to successfully avoid a zompony outbreak by sending a few hundred kittens and puppies into the local graveyard. This convinced Star-Swirl to give up on his experiments.
However, this was not the end of zomponies! The truth is that many ponies have dabbled in the art of raising the dead. Those who have include:
King Sombra (Tyrant of the Crystal Empire): Attempted to create an army of the dead to attack the princesses. Succeeded in raising over four thousand dead bodies, arming them with weapons, and attiring them in magic-proof armor. Entire plan fell apart when a baby squirrel somehow found its way into the graveyard. Even magic-proof armor couldn't save the zomponies.
Mayor Mare (Mayor of Ponyville): Attempted to raise an entire graveyard and persuade them to vote for her in order to win the mayoral election. Succeeded for the most part, but made the mistake of taking the zomponies to her cottage for a celebration party. Photo album containing baby pictures fell off of the mantle. The mess was probably not worth the extra four years of free dinners.
Flim and Flam (Businessponies?): Raised thirty deceased ponies to aid in manual labor. After three weeks, “workers” petitioned for higher pay (current pay was one bag of dirt for one hour of work. Zomponies wanted two, plus vacation days). Barn housing all five hundred of the zomponies mysteriously invaded by newborn kittens.
Pinkie Pie (Baker): Raised five dead ponies for a Nightmare Night party. Zomponies proceeded to drink all of the cider, eat all of the cake, and then pass out. Each received a swift party cannon to the face and a brand new grave, courtesy of Pinkie Pie.
These might have been merely close calls, but a zompony outbreak is still possible! A good truth-seeker will be prepared for the inevitable apocalypse caused by the living dead. If a zompony ever knocks on your door asking for sugar, there are three things you can do to avoid having your brain eaten:
Method 1: Throw foal powder in its face! The smell, combined by the image of a cute foal on the bottle, will send the zompony into shock, allowing you to pummel its face into nothing! However, when pummeling a zompony to dust, make sure your hooves, claws, or paws are covered with foal powder to avoid infection!
Method 2: Shake a cat at it! One look at a cat or a kitten and the zompony will forget all about its intent to eat your brain. Mostly because it will slowly crumble to dust at the sight.
Method 3: An axe! An axe is the best weapon to fight zomponies. But few truth-seekers or survivalists realize the proper way to prepare an axe before an encounter! First, paint the axe a vibrant pink. Next, cover the blade and the handle with purple glitter and tie a colorful ribbon to the neck. Finally, sprinkle the blade with foal powder. Now you've got a badflank weapon that will destroy any zompony who dares to tussle with you!
Tip from “The Wealthy Pony's Guide to the Zompony Apocalypse” (by Spoiled Rich): Use your foals as a shield!
What to do if bitten: Swallow a bar of soap! You'll still be a zompony, but you won't want to eat any brains with the taste of soap in your mouth!
“Princess Celestia wears false teeth!” “Princess Celestia dyes her coat!” “Princess Celestia is in love with Twilight Sparkle!”
Every tabloid newspaper published in the last forty years has had a twisted take on Princess Celestia. As the princess more often in the public eye, its inevitable she'd be the main victim of rumors and scandal. We've already discussed this deceptive alicorn, but now it's time to delve deeper! It's time for us to reveal the ultimate secrets about Princess Celestia she did not want anypony to ever know! The secrets that will make you look at her in a whole new light!
Secret #1: Princess Celestia's Mane!
Definitely not a typical manestyle, although a clever way of making us mistake Princess Celestia as some kind of all-powerful equine beyond our comprehension. But wait! Before you bend over and start kissing her hooves, you should know something about that flowing mane of hers. It's not actually a flowing mane at all! But it's also not a wig, some kind of complex magic, or even an illusion. No, it is far more sinister than that. Princess Celestia's mane…...is its own sentient creature! A sentient creature that feeds on thoughts! In the beginning, our dearest princess was completely bald. Therefore, she struck a deal with this mysterious creature and its mate, also known as her tail: If it granted her the secrets of the universe, she would allow it to attach itself to her head and live off of her thoughts! In this case, we have an actual photograph of the unaware princess without this creature on her head! Unfortunately, Bon-Bon a clumsy mare spilled coffee all over it, so we can't print it. But rest assured, it exists! And yes, the manes and tails of all the princesses are like this! In fact, they're the creature's offspring!
Secret #2: Princess Celestia's Love of Tea!
A week before this book was published, Derpy Hooves one of our top-secret operatives, witnessed a package arriving at the castle. A huge package, at least three times bigger than a full-grown stallion! Since there is no way of telling what was in the package, we can only assume it was filled with tea! Why make this assumption? Because Princess Celestia absolutely loves tea! She drinks it every day, alongside every meal! Many have joked about it, but nopony has realized the disturbing truth. Princess Celestia enjoys tea both as a drink…..and sexually! Yes, you read that correctly! Princess Celestia is sexually attracted to tea! Naturally, she hides this from the public, but behind closed doors….
Secret #3: Princess Celestia and the Sun!
We've already covered in a previous chapter how it is impossible for ponies to raise the sun and the moon. Therefore, what is the significance of the sun for Princess Celestia? Significant enough for it to be her Cutie Mark? It's actually a lot more simple, yet more complex, than it appears! Princess Celestia is actually married to the sun! She adores that big ball of light in the sky so much that she elected to marry it over one thousand years ago! Of course, the marriage took place when marrying planets was still legal. And many of us hope and pray that one day, it shall be legal again!
Secret #4: Princess Celestia's Cutie Mark!
Put simply, that symbol on her flank is not a Cutie Mark at all! It's actually a tattoo she was given to celebrate her successful marriage to the sun! Princess Celestia is really a blank flank!
Secret #5: Princess Celestia's Love of Cake!
Does cake have some kind of sexual or romantic significance for Princess Celestia? Does she sing to it in the dead of night? Is she in love with frosting? No! In fact, Princess Celestia despises cake! It's all a charade to make her appear more likable in the eyes of our dessert-loving society! In reality, Princess Celestia prefers a strict diet of beets, oats, and corn!
Secret #6: Princess Celestia's Secret Identity!
We've already gone over the fact that Moon Ponies could shapeshift. Princess Celestia can take on any form she desires, similar to a Changeling. But unlike the average Changeling, Princess Celestia uses her powers to masquerade as a normal pony! However, she is not just one pony! Every week, she masquerades as a different pony. Notice how some ponies look suspiciously similar to others, except their mane color or coat color are a little off? It's Princess Celestia in disguise!
Secret #7: Princess Celestia's Family!
Although “alicorns” cannot conceive in the normal way, Changelings are capable of becoming pregnant and giving birth shortly after an act of pure love. Princess Celestia has had over four thousand Changeling babies with Queen Chrysalis, all of whom she put up for adoption and are now masquerading as normal pony foals!
That's about it for secrets to do with Princess Celestia. But that's far from it when it comes to the princesses in general! Every princess has her secrets, and we fortunately know them all*!
The tabloids haven't been quite as active when it comes to Luna, but we sure have! We've left no stone unturned (except the ones that just won't budge) when finding out about all the dirty little secrets and conspiracies connected to Princess Luna!
Secret #1: Princess Luna and Dreams!
Princess Luna doesn't peruse our dreams to protect us from nightmares! She peruses our dreams to protect us from the truth! Every night, Princess Luna goes into our dreams and steals any memory that might point us towards a conspiracy!
Secret #2: Princess Luna's Secret Identity!
Princess Luna's desire to enter our dreams doesn't stop with hiding the truth! She has another, perhaps even more shocking, motive for doing this: To further her career as an author of erotic stories! Princess Luna has written thousands of them under the conspicuous pen name “Princess Balloona”. Her secret to success is that she uses ideas directly from our own sexual fantasies! Every night she watches our most sensual dreams as they unfold and then, through careful editing, converts them into erotic fiction! Among her works is the extremely popular Sex Appl-eal, a daringly sexual tale about a lonely apple farmer who is trapped by a group of giant sentient apples afflicted by an insatiable lust!
Secret #3: Princess Luna's Marriage!
Princess Luna is not married to the moon, as one might expect. Instead, she is actually married to a rock named Tom! And, even more shocking, she is also married to another rock named Boulder! The so-called “Princess of the Moon” apparently enjoys polygamy, especially polygamy involving rocks! Maud Pie, a close friend of Boulder, alluded to this fact in passing in Boulder's biography:
Boulder really likes Princess Luna.
But to avoid the strictly taboo subject of rock-pony marriage that has been fiercely debated about for centuries, Princess Luna has chosen to cover up her affairs! Our sources tell us that Tom is not particularly faithful, though. He apparently has a tendency to sleep around.
Secret #4: Princess Luna's Greatest Fear!
Princess Luna is deathly afraid of spinach. We have no idea why.
Secret #5: The Mares in Pink This is too big a conspiracy/secret to discuss here. A following chapter will expand on this baffling topic.
Who are these mysterious ponies who slink around in the darkness, abducting the non-believers, erasing memories, and leaving insulting notes on the undersides of apple carts? Very little is known about the “Mares in Pink” and their activities. Their organization, run by Princess Luna, is almost completely shrouded in mystery. One thing we know for sure: They're even more dangerous than the princesses! Anypony known by you, your friends, or your family could be an agent of the mysterious Mares in Pink!
What we do know about the Mares in Pink:
They were first employed by Clover the Clever to track down her runaway coltfriend
They dress in flamboyant pink suits and matching pink sunglasses
They carry around miniature cannons filled with glitter to incapacitate their targets
We also know at least three ponies who have been abducted by the Mares in Pink! Luckily, despite the risk, they were nice enough to share their stories with us!
Derpy Hooves (Pegasus)
Statement: “I was doing my Weather Patrol duties like I'm supposed to. Or at least trying to. I kept bumping into houses and things while I was trying to move the clouds. I do that a lot. But after about ten minutes, I remembered that I'd left a batch of daffodil cookies in the oven. I started flying back to my house as fast as I could. On my way there, I happened to notice Princess Celestia talking to a mare I didn't recognize. At least, I think that's what I saw. I hit my head pretty hard. Anyway, Princess Celestia suddenly reared up on her hind legs. Her horn started to glow and the eyes of the mare went all glassy. There was a blinding flash of light. When the light faded, the mare was walking away with a dazed expression, like she didn't know where she was. Princess Celestia was smiling. I didn't know what I had seen, but I flew away as fast as I could. When I got back home, I discovered that I hadn't left the oven on and the cookie batter was still in the bowl. I went back to work and finished my duties for the day. I returned home late at night and went to bed almost immediately. I woke up to the sound of glass smashing. I went into the living room with a baseball bat to investigate, bumping into a bunch of stuff on the way. I saw three silhouettes near the window. I can't be sure, because it was dark, I was half-asleep, and I'd hit my head about five times on the way there, but I think they were wearing pink sunglasses. I charged at them with my bat, but I accidentally ran into a wall and hit my head again. I was unconscious until morning. When I woke up, nopony was there.”
Scootaloo (Pegasus)
Statement: “I was trying out a neat flying trick I saw Rainbow Dash do the other day when I saw them. Well, not a “them”. It was just one pink pony. You know the one I'm talking about, right? Pinkie Pie, the party planner. Well, she was acting weird when I saw her. I mean really weird. Her ear was twitching and she kept making creepy faces. And her hair was straight, instead of poofy. I thought she was talking to somepony, but when she got closer I saw that she was actually talking to a bag of flour she was dragging behind her with a rope. I was hidden in a tree, so she didn't see me. I would have yelled to her, but I had a feeling she was busy. She just sat there under the tree for who knows how long, talking to that bag of flour and laughing like it was talking back. She kept making horrible puns about baking. Finally, she got to her hooves and started to leave. She was just starting to go when three ponies appeared out of nowhere. I think they were wearing pink suits. Unfortunately, I fell out of the tree a moment later and didn't see what happened next. But when I finally managed to get up and my headache died down, I went to check on Pinkie Pie. She was still standing there, except the flour was gone and her hair was poofy again. Huh? The “Mares in Pinkie”? That's stupid!”
Screw Loose (Earth Pony)
Statement: “It was the Mares in Pink! The Mares in Pink put me in this place! They spread lies about me being out of my mind, just because they caught me putting make-up and a dress on my dog. What's crazy about that?! Little Pawsy loves it when I dress him up and dance with him. It's all part of our bonding! But those idiots can't see it. They want everypony to believe that the Mares in Pink are an old pony's tale. But they aren't! I've seen them! I see them everywhere! You know the guard standing outside the door? He's one of their agents! What, did you think the Mares in Pink were only mares? No, that's one of their tricks! They actually employ more stallions than mares, but they want us to think otherwise so we won't suspect. I won't be fooled, though. Every time a stallion comes up to you, you have to bark at him! Do it every time a mare comes up to you as well, just in case. The Mares in Pink have only one weakness: Dogs! I learned that the hard way. When those stupid stallions in their white coats came to take me away, I knew it was a scam. I knew too much. I'd learned their secrets, so the Mares in Pink wanted me erased! If you learn too much, they'll erase you as well! They'll put you in a crate and ship you to a remote part of Japony! It happened to my dog!”
There have been more accounts, but of course most of them are nonsense. But, even though the Mares in Pink are surrounded by rumors and intrigue, the truth is obvious. They do exist and they are everywhere!
If you've come this far into this guide, you now know that Equestria is not the happy-go-lucky place it seems on the surface. Our very dreams are being watched and altered against our will! Nopony is safe from those operating below the surface. But for every truth in this book, there are a thousand scammers trying to feed gullible fools lies in order to take their money, their attention, or even their soul! Watch out for these low-income, high-priority scams and outright fabrications!
The Illumineighty
A rumor that has been circulating across Equestria for centuries about a shadowy organization that secretly runs the entire country. Supposedly the image representing this organization can be found carved into the back of every bit issued after a certain period in time. But don't fall for it, dear reader! The Illumineighty are definitely real and are reading this. Please call the Royal Guards are a myth created to scare and confuse ponykind! They're not controlling our minds, brainwashing us, or running an illegal cloning lab. They don't even exist! Yes, they do. Bon-Bon, if you're reading this, I'm not at the store buying oats. They've got me in a warehouse somewhere. Just use that tracking device you put on me. Yes, I know about the tracking device. We'll talk about it later.
Magictologists
A secret society of unicorns who believe magic is the answer to love, life, and the universe itself. This one is easy to spot as a fake right away. For one thing, who could believe that all the ponies alive now have actually existed for millions of years, but they “regenerate” every time they near death and lose all their memories? That's pure science fiction!
Snake Ponies (Snonies)
Yet more nonsense created to discredit the very real existence of Moon Ponies! Ponies who believe in this claim that the princesses are actually shapeshifting snake-creatures. Ridiculous! Next ponies will be saying that they've come to hollow out the planet! Be wary of anypony who tries to convince you of Snonies. They're clearly unhinged.
Computers
Even those that believe in Hoo Mans can be foolish! Some ponies apparently think that Hoo Mans have invented this strange device that allows them to view images and such material without the use of magic. That in itself is impossible, even for an advanced race like them. According to those who believe this nonsense, these “computers” exist for the sole purpose of the sharing, viewing of, and growth of erotic material. The things ponies will make up to appear intelligent never ceases to amuse!
The Stone Smashers
Another “secret” society, this one dedicated to “rock worship”. Ponies who are members of this society eat, talk about, and marry rocks. We can say without a shadow of the doubt that ponies who partake in these activities are not part of any such fictional society. They are merely very strange.
We've had a lot of fun talking about the darker side of Equestria. But as this wonderful guide draws to a close, we must remind our readers that there is only so much we can write about. There are even more conspiracies waiting out there to be discovered and documented. If you're confused about where to get started, this reading list should help. These books are one hundred percent Lyra-approved and only available at select bookstores and/or through crappy mail-order catalogs you might find stuffed into your mattress.
Why Equestria Secretly Doesn't Rock by Maud Pie
The Zompony Exercise Regime by Snowflake
Princesshood: The Conspiracy of the Century by The Great and Powerful Trixie
I Wrote This and Somehow It Was Published by Featherweight
Conspiracies: Why They're Not Good by Suri Polomare
I Dated a Zompony Once by Discord
The Diary of a Brainwashed Pony (I Think) by Lightning Dust
The Moon Ponies Did the Changeling Invasion by Svengallop
The Discord Conspiracy by Discord
I Saw Something Weird by Treehugger
Them Celestia-Damned Conspiracy Theorists by Cheese Sandwich
The Mares in Pink, Yellow, Green, and Black by Hoops
The Week I Was Abducted by Sexy Aliens by Princess Balloona
I Met A Stallion With a Weird Box by Roseluck
The Real Conspiracy: Nopony Knows Who I Am by Beauty Brass
Married to a Rock by Limestone Pie
Hoo Mans Know How to Rock by Vinyl Scratch
100 Hoo Man-themed Party Ideas by Cheese Sandwich
The Official Hoo Man-Equine Dictionary by Lady Justice
Broken Legs and Other Deadly Hoo Man Injuries by Nurse Sweetheart
A Brief History of Star-Swirl the Zompony Lover by Princess Balloona
Here we are. The final chapter. The last word. The conclusion. The end of this guide and everything it stands for. You, noble truthseeker, have finally reached the end. You will have to seek out further truth elsewhere.
Or will you…..?
Fortunately, this isn't the end at all! If anything, it's just another beginning! You see, while we have answered many questions in this guide, there are still some we simply couldn't answer. Questions that continue to leave us puzzled. But you, dear reader, have the power to answer them yourself! With a little prying, a little research, and a little cider, you can become the truthseeker we have all been waiting for! You can answer some of our lingering questions, such as….
How does our time system work?
How old is Granny Smith?
Is that mysterious portal as dangerous as it seems?
Why is yawning contagious?
What is the point of existence?
Is bursting into song at random healthy?
How are all five of Twilight's friends and Twilight herself so good at singing?
Just how far up Harshwhinny's flank is that stick?
How much cooler would twenty percent be?
Why don't we normally wear clothes?
We are now depending on you, noble truthseeker, to answer all of these questions and more! But be on your guard! Neighsayers will stop at nothing to prevent others from finding out the truth! Remember to always carry a jar of peanut butter and an impressive stick with you when you're out truth-hunting.
That's really all we have to say. Good luck in your exploits. Hopefully one day you'll write a guide similar to this one and it will prove to be even more liberating!
Message from Lyra: I encourage you to read The Adventures of Secret Agent Bon-Bon, a novel written by a beautiful and amazing mare named Bon-Bon. It's not about conspiracies, though. In fact, I'm not sure what it's about. I haven't read it.
P.S. Don't tell Bon-Bon I haven't read it. It'll break her heart.
P.S.S. Okay, I did read the first chapter. What the buck is an “artificial sandwich”?
