The Equestria They Don't Want You To Know: Lyra's Guide to Conspiracies and Secrets

by TooShyShy

Alicorns!

Alicorn (aly-corn) – A majestic race of equine known for their incredible magical power. Alicorns are a combination of Earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi. Possessing aspects of all three types of pony makes them extraordinarily powerful.

--Written Word's Dictionary (Fifth Edition)

Written Word, similar to Starswirl the Bearded, was another tool of the princesses forced to spread misinformation! Thanks to him, all the poor citizens of Equestria believe that alicorns are a majestic fourth type of equine. While this is true, alicorns are not what they appear! Alicorns are actually Moon Ponies! They made up a ridiculous story and took a form that would make us trust them, all so they could rule over us without us ever suspecting!

Yes, Monies can shapeshift! We might not know what they look like in their natural forms, but we know that these so-called “alicorns” are merely them in disguise! And this time, we have written evidence! The following is an actual excerpt from an actual transcript of an actual interview* with Princess Celestia!

Interviewer: What is it like being a princess?

P. Celestia: (laughs) It's overwhelming. I sometimes feel as if I've flown to the moon and back!

A careless slip-up on her part, but evidence for anypony intelligent enough to decipher it!

Notice the conspicuous lack of male alicorns? It's because all Moon Ponies are female, therefore any form they take is also female!

If all “alicorns” are female, how do they reproduce?

The same way contagious diseases spread: Through contact! If an “alicorn” touches you, you shall become an alicorn! However, unless they've used magic to enhance it, it is a very slow process. And which “alicorns” have had the process enhanced by magic? Princess Twilight and Princess Cadence! Their “ascensions” were merely tricks to further muddle the issue of alicornhood! When associating with one of the princesses, always wear protective clothing! A spiked helmet, a pair of gloves, and a surgical mask should do the trick. If you have recently been touched by an alicorn, watch out for the following symptoms!

Signs You are Turning Into an Alicorn:

1. Increased interest in fictional media (esp. outside of your demographic)

2. Increased tiredness in the evening/and at night

3. Increased love of cake

4. Increased desire for exercise

5. Increased appreciation for the princesses and their “peaceful” reign

“Alicornhood” can take up to twenty years to fully manifest itself! But luckily, there is a cure! If you believe you have been infected with “alicornhood”, your best bet is to take a nice long bath in chocolate syrup! A five-hour soak should be sufficient.

*Context is for the mind-controlled!

Comments

[ddebenedictics1]

Oh no, I'm turning into an alicorn!!