The Equestria They Don't Want You To Know: Lyra's Guide to Conspiracies and Secrets

by TooShyShy

The Real Princess Celestia!

“Princess Celestia wears false teeth!”
“Princess Celestia dyes her coat!”
“Princess Celestia is in love with Twilight Sparkle!”

Every tabloid newspaper published in the last forty years has had a twisted take on Princess Celestia. As the princess more often in the public eye, its inevitable she'd be the main victim of rumors and scandal. We've already discussed this deceptive alicorn, but now it's time to delve deeper! It's time for us to reveal the ultimate secrets about Princess Celestia she did not want anypony to ever know! The secrets that will make you look at her in a whole new light!

Secret #1: Princess Celestia's Mane!

Definitely not a typical manestyle, although a clever way of making us mistake Princess Celestia as some kind of all-powerful equine beyond our comprehension. But wait! Before you bend over and start kissing her hooves, you should know something about that flowing mane of hers. It's not actually a flowing mane at all! But it's also not a wig, some kind of complex magic, or even an illusion. No, it is far more sinister than that. Princess Celestia's mane…...is its own sentient creature! A sentient creature that feeds on thoughts! In the beginning, our dearest princess was completely bald. Therefore, she struck a deal with this mysterious creature and its mate, also known as her tail: If it granted her the secrets of the universe, she would allow it to attach itself to her head and live off of her thoughts! In this case, we have an actual photograph of the unaware princess without this creature on her head! Unfortunately, Bon-Bon a clumsy mare spilled coffee all over it, so we can't print it. But rest assured, it exists! And yes, the manes and tails of all the princesses are like this! In fact, they're the creature's offspring!

Secret #2: Princess Celestia's Love of Tea!

A week before this book was published, Derpy Hooves one of our top-secret operatives, witnessed a package arriving at the castle. A huge package, at least three times bigger than a full-grown stallion! Since there is no way of telling what was in the package, we can only assume it was filled with tea! Why make this assumption? Because Princess Celestia absolutely loves tea! She drinks it every day, alongside every meal! Many have joked about it, but nopony has realized the disturbing truth. Princess Celestia enjoys tea both as a drink…..and sexually! Yes, you read that correctly! Princess Celestia is sexually attracted to tea! Naturally, she hides this from the public, but behind closed doors….

Secret #3: Princess Celestia and the Sun!

We've already covered in a previous chapter how it is impossible for ponies to raise the sun and the moon. Therefore, what is the significance of the sun for Princess Celestia? Significant enough for it to be her Cutie Mark? It's actually a lot more simple, yet more complex, than it appears! Princess Celestia is actually married to the sun! She adores that big ball of light in the sky so much that she elected to marry it over one thousand years ago! Of course, the marriage took place when marrying planets was still legal. And many of us hope and pray that one day, it shall be legal again!

Secret #4: Princess Celestia's Cutie Mark!

Put simply, that symbol on her flank is not a Cutie Mark at all! It's actually a tattoo she was given to celebrate her successful marriage to the sun! Princess Celestia is really a blank flank!

Secret #5: Princess Celestia's Love of Cake!

Does cake have some kind of sexual or romantic significance for Princess Celestia? Does she sing to it in the dead of night? Is she in love with frosting? No! In fact, Princess Celestia despises cake! It's all a charade to make her appear more likable in the eyes of our dessert-loving society! In reality, Princess Celestia prefers a strict diet of beets, oats, and corn!

Secret #6: Princess Celestia's Secret Identity!

We've already gone over the fact that Moon Ponies could shapeshift. Princess Celestia can take on any form she desires, similar to a Changeling. But unlike the average Changeling, Princess Celestia uses her powers to masquerade as a normal pony! However, she is not just one pony! Every week, she masquerades as a different pony. Notice how some ponies look suspiciously similar to others, except their mane color or coat color are a little off? It's Princess Celestia in disguise!

Secret #7: Princess Celestia's Family!

Although “alicorns” cannot conceive in the normal way, Changelings are capable of becoming pregnant and giving birth shortly after an act of pure love. Princess Celestia has had over four thousand Changeling babies with Queen Chrysalis, all of whom she put up for adoption and are now masquerading as normal pony foals!

That's about it for secrets to do with Princess Celestia. But that's far from it when it comes to the princesses in general! Every princess has her secrets, and we fortunately know them all*!

*Disclaimer: Kind of.