The Equestria They Don't Want You To Know: Lyra's Guide to Conspiracies and Secrets

by TooShyShy

The Real Princess Luna!

The tabloids haven't been quite as active when it comes to Luna, but we sure have! We've left no stone unturned (except the ones that just won't budge) when finding out about all the dirty little secrets and conspiracies connected to Princess Luna!

Secret #1: Princess Luna and Dreams!

Princess Luna doesn't peruse our dreams to protect us from nightmares! She peruses our dreams to protect us from the truth! Every night, Princess Luna goes into our dreams and steals any memory that might point us towards a conspiracy!

Secret #2: Princess Luna's Secret Identity!

Princess Luna's desire to enter our dreams doesn't stop with hiding the truth! She has another, perhaps even more shocking, motive for doing this: To further her career as an author of erotic stories! Princess Luna has written thousands of them under the conspicuous pen name “Princess Balloona”. Her secret to success is that she uses ideas directly from our own sexual fantasies! Every night she watches our most sensual dreams as they unfold and then, through careful editing, converts them into erotic fiction! Among her works is the extremely popular Sex Appl-eal, a daringly sexual tale about a lonely apple farmer who is trapped by a group of giant sentient apples afflicted by an insatiable lust!

Secret #3: Princess Luna's Marriage!

Princess Luna is not married to the moon, as one might expect. Instead, she is actually married to a rock named Tom! And, even more shocking, she is also married to another rock named Boulder! The so-called “Princess of the Moon” apparently enjoys polygamy, especially polygamy involving rocks! Maud Pie, a close friend of Boulder, alluded to this fact in passing in Boulder's biography:

Boulder really likes Princess Luna.

But to avoid the strictly taboo subject of rock-pony marriage that has been fiercely debated about for centuries, Princess Luna has chosen to cover up her affairs! Our sources tell us that Tom is not particularly faithful, though. He apparently has a tendency to sleep around.

Secret #4: Princess Luna's Greatest Fear!

Princess Luna is deathly afraid of spinach. We have no idea why.

Secret #5: The Mares in Pink
This is too big a conspiracy/secret to discuss here. A following chapter will expand on this baffling topic.