Book will now be done in present Tense. If you notice any mistakes or grammar errors please tell me in the comments or a private massage.
The next morning I woke up to the bitter sweet sound of the birds singing their morning Melody. As my eye's start to open and dilate to the sun I say, "Good Morning..." As my eye's finished dilating to the light I realize that I'm staring at the trunk of a dark wooded swamp tree instead of the light blue wall with a window in the middle of it that I'm use to. Not only am I staring at a tree, but my bed is no where in sight. There's not just one tree but an entire forest of them. A chill runs over me and I suddenly relize I'm lying on the cold moist ground in nothing but a fluffy wunssie.
"Real funny guys, Real funny." I said to myself hoping that whoever's behind this prank would come out from where their hiding and say something cheesy like, "you should see the look on your face, it's to die for." But no one came out to laugh at me. They were either still hiding, or they left me here in the middle of no where. I gather that the first option would be best due to the lack of camping equipment.
I tried to stand up to fimiliarize my self with my suroundings. I sudenly lose my balance and start to fall forward as if i'm going to land on my face. I put out my hands to break the fall, and close my eye's with the thought of, "this is going to hurt." My hands hit the ground with a thud, but I never hit the ground with my face. Instead I was on all four of my limbs. There were two things i noticed imidiatly. First off was how it was comforatble in this position, almost natural. Second and probubly what was most startling was the fact that my arms looked like the legs and were a light orange, and my hands were now dark black hoofs. I began to panic, and in a hope that I could run from my new form I started to back up. Not use to using all four limbs for moving I imidiatly stop.
I looked down at my lower body and saw that it was a pony's body. I had orange fur on my back, and a cloudy white fur on my stomach. I had a bushy white tipped orange tail. My legs had orange fur, and black hoofs. I saw a puddle of murky water behind me. I quickly tried to stand up on all fours instead of just my two hind legs. It was much easier this time. I started a slow and unsteady walk towards the puddle. I arrived next to the puddle, and looked into the water to see the reflection of my face. As I looked I noticed that I had emerald green eyes, a hot pink colored mane. My face had white fur around my eyes, and around my mouth. As I looked closely at the reflection I realized that I had a single pointed horn in the middle of my fore head.
For an actual picture of the OC just look at the cover image.
"I'm a unicorn. I'm a... No, just no." I said aloud, "this is just a bad dream. Yeah that's it. I just need to wake up." I concluded. I stood there above the puddle thinking of the best possible way of waking myself. I could pinch my self. I moved my hoof up to pinch my cheek, but stopped suddenly when I relized I had no fingers to use. I didn't have the skill in my new form to run at a tree and hit it with my head. And I'm not in the mood to look for a bigger puddle to try and drown myself in. My only option was to hit myself in the crotch. I said to myself, "I know it would hurt, but this is a dream. I'll wake up and the pain will be gone."
"Okay, just a simple wake in the crotch will wake me right up right?" I thought to myself. I was ready to kick myself in the crotch. Here goes nothing. I swung my leg towards my crotch not daring to even breath. THUMP. "Ow." I had just hit myself in the crotch, but It only felt like a good hard kick to the gut. It hurt but It should have hurt more. It should have woken me up, but something else was wrong. I looked down in between my legs to see why I didn't feel anything. I was petrified at what I saw.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" I scram at the top of my lungs.
"I'm a girl, I'm a girl. This is so not right!!!" I thought to myself.
Suddenly I heard a voice in the distance say, "did you hear that." The voice sounded mature and feminine.
Another voice replied, "Yes, It sounds as if somepony is in trouble." This voice sounded like a young school girl.
The older voice said, "Lets go cheek it out Spike."
"Oh great." I thought, "I'm a unicorn in a weird forest, someone is about to discover me, and I'm a freaking girl." Whoever was coming my way sounded as if they were horse back riding. The sound of the hoofs hitting the ground sounded as if they were getting close. Suddenly the bushes to my right started to glow a faint sparkly purple, but what scared me the most is that the bush was parted straight through the middle. Only a second had passed when a purple pony jumped through the gap in the bush. The pony looked around as if to see what the trouble was. The purple pony saw me and just froze in her tracks.
As I looked at the pony more closely I saw that it had a dark purple main, a light purple fur all over its body, and the pony had wings and a horn. I thought I recognized this pony from some where, but I couldn't remember just where I remembered it from. Suddenly the bushes started to shake some more as if someone or something was trying to run through them. Suddenly a green and purple blur popped out of the bushes and ran into the purple pony.
The purple pony turned to the new creature that ran into it and said, "Oh, sorry spike." I heard this name, and looked intently at the new figure. It was a green and purple lizard thing. But the name gave another hint and I suddenly remembered where I saw these creatures.
The lizard got up off the ground and said, "It's fine Twilight but why did you stop."
Twilight motioned to me and said, "Just was suprized was all."
"Holy f#@% I'm in Equestria!!!"
Other then the self censorship (which always bugs me) it's 9.9/10
Yes the self sensor is a personal habit. I try to keep it appropriate for all ages Sorry
This looks good. I love human transformation stories. I can't wait to see what's next!
It's mane.
It's forehead.
Other then these two, I could not detect anymore. Love the story so far!
7145835
One. I hate to break it to you kid, but even if you are a female, it still hurts to get hit downstairs. ( We don't get a magic pass on that.)
Well let me see.
Spelling mistakes are rampant in this story.
The wake up scene at the start was very,very,very,very,very repetitive.
It was eye this and eye that XD.
Pacing was eh.
Spacing was eh.
The build up was eh.
The plot is eh.
Overall the whole story is...Meh.
Awesome cover art though...so yeah.
I'll say this tale is 5ish out of 10?
I won't track this story, though if I happen to see it pop up again, I'll check it out, why not?
That said I'll just stay neutral and not thumbs down or up.
Again great art!!! 10/10.
NSC.-
7146107 Pretty much. Though I'd say 3/10, for the unoriginal plot.
You, my friend, need an editor and/or prereader.
You capitalized mid-sentence.
You know what? I'll point out capitalization errs for now.
Okay, with the last one, just make a new sentence for "Oh wait, she did."
The inverse of what I was talking about. Capitalize "I'm"
Comma between "Yeah" and "that's it". Throw out the "I concluded."
Reduce the the number of h's, put in an exclamation mark, it's scream not scram.
You don't have say "x said" or "x thought" or "x exclaimed" or "x stated" every single time.
Capitalize did, replace period with question mark.
Let's, not lets.
Insert comma before "the".
Throw out the "Suddenly".
Better wording: "Suddenly, I remembered who this pony was, and where I saw it."
Look, getting hit there will hurt, no matter what, whether you be male or female. It could, for example, become bruised. That area is sensitive for both genders (I think. I'm male, so I'm uncertain about females, but it still probably is). Your character should be feeling immense pain. Rewrite it to have your character be screaming in pain, but have them also realize that nothing's there, and have them scream again after they stop upon looking at their crotch.
7145914 has pointed out a few spelling mistakes.
well, it looks like barn owl and tide hunter got most of them, but here's one they missed
I think you meant "one" and not "on". also, put a comma between one and tree.
also, don't explain things in the middle of a story, it brakes up the flow when you do, like you did when you told us where you could find a pic of your OC, you put things like that in your authors note.
well that's all I found, put if you need an editor/ proof reader, I will be happy to lend my services.
Amazing start be waiting for mlre
So guys this is my first story and I have no editor, or proof reader if I wanted to find one were should I go.
7146871 This is a good story so far there are a few minor errors but it's pretty good and as for searching for editors it'll be kind of hard to find one especially if you don't want to pay just look for a specific editors group on fimfiction if you want some help with editing.
7146871 like I said, I will be willing to proof read for you if you need it. oh, and to alert people that you replied to their commit, click on the faint gray double arrow that looks like this >>. otherwise, they will have no idea you replied.
7146416 Awesome you pointed out the mistakes I was too lazy to do.
And yes as I stated in my comment below, it does hurt us girls too to be hit down there.
7146366 The front plot yes, but I think of that as just a mini set up.
The true plot is what will come now in the main universe, which to be honest is vague. I'll vote for a clean 5 for now, till I can get a grip on what is really going on here.
NSC.
7146871 Some stories have multiple editors/prereaders, though I'm not sure how much the extra 5 or so do.
I've said you need an editor and prereader to point out problems and help you fix them, or show plot holes. 7146463 has already offered you their services. You should accept it, and if you want, I could attempt to edit alongside them. If you don't want two editors, accept them. If you're fine with multiple, accept them and me as editors. If an editor doesn't have time or is ill (which also means they don't have time) the other could attempt to edit it by themselves.
Also, I pointed out 15 errs and/or places where it could be written better, and others have pointed out a few others, but I have yet to see any of that fixed.
"Father was a fox"
Aint that illegal?
Bitter sweet, not bitter sweat
7149577 Might be. But I love foxes and Ponies so I made my OC a high bread
7149917 I like Wholegrain bread
My cats' breed is tortoise shell
For your consideration
Awesome story! :3
why was this Cancelled after 1 chapter?
7158070
I am canalizing this because of a new co-lab story I'm righting.
I will be writing a new story for my OC called My Backstory.
it will be only one or two chapters long. this will explain how I got to the world of CHS from Equestria without a soul knowing about it. and how I began work for discord.
so Once we post the Collaboration book I will post My back Story.
Just for clarification I wanted my OC to be male, but the guy that drew it made me female. I didn't realize this till after I payed him. My new book has my correct gender though.
7158853 cool then
This isn't in present tense, technically speaking.
For example you write:
However to write this in present tense you would need to write it as:
Nice surprise to see this updated. I thought that you had canceled it though. What changed your mind?
Update it please
8245771
Good story needs an update though you left it on a cliffhanger
its good thing going here. i also like the cross between species.
I would make a story like this for my oc but... Good start though!