Born from pure chaos and raised in the chaos realm.
Well I wake up on the cold moist ground of the Everfree forest as my OC/Avatiar Foxy. Foxy is a female pony whose father was a fox, and the mother was a pony. My cutie mark is a art pad let and brush. I end up in a endless rush to find out where I am, and how to get home. Eventually I find my self in the presence of spike the dragon and Twilight Sparkle.
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Other then the self censorship (which always bugs me) it's 9.9/10
Yes the self sensor is a personal habit. I try to keep it appropriate for all ages
Sorry
This looks good. I love human transformation stories. I can't wait to see what's next!
It's mane.
It's forehead.
Other then these two, I could not detect anymore. Love the story so far!
7145835
One. I hate to break it to you kid, but even if you are a female, it still hurts to get hit downstairs.
( We don't get a magic pass on that.)
Well let me see.
Spelling mistakes are rampant in this story.
The wake up scene at the start was very,very,very,very,very repetitive.
It was eye this and eye that XD.
Pacing was eh.
Spacing was eh.
The build up was eh.
The plot is eh.
Overall the whole story is...Meh.
Awesome cover art though...so yeah.
I'll say this tale is 5ish out of 10?
I won't track this story, though if I happen to see it pop up again, I'll check it out, why not?
That said I'll just stay neutral and not thumbs down or up.
Again great art!!! 10/10.
NSC.-
7146107 Pretty much. Though I'd say 3/10, for the unoriginal plot.
You, my friend, need an editor and/or prereader.
You capitalized mid-sentence.
You know what? I'll point out capitalization errs for now.
Okay, with the last one, just make a new sentence for "Oh wait, she did."
The inverse of what I was talking about. Capitalize "I'm"
Comma between "Yeah" and "that's it". Throw out the "I concluded."
Reduce the the number of h's, put in an exclamation mark, it's scream not scram.
You don't have say "x said" or "x thought" or "x exclaimed" or "x stated" every single time.
Capitalize did, replace period with question mark.
Let's, not lets.
Insert comma before "the".
Throw out the "Suddenly".
Better wording: "Suddenly, I remembered who this pony was, and where I saw it."
Look, getting hit there will hurt, no matter what, whether you be male or female. It could, for example, become bruised. That area is sensitive for both genders (I think. I'm male, so I'm uncertain about females, but it still probably is). Your character should be feeling immense pain. Rewrite it to have your character be screaming in pain, but have them also realize that nothing's there, and have them scream again after they stop upon looking at their crotch.
7145914 has pointed out a few spelling mistakes.
well, it looks like barn owl and tide hunter got most of them, but here's one they missed
I think you meant "one" and not "on". also, put a comma between one and tree.
also, don't explain things in the middle of a story, it brakes up the flow when you do, like you did when you told us where you could find a pic of your OC, you put things like that in your authors note.
well that's all I found, put if you need an editor/ proof reader, I will be happy to lend my services.
Amazing start be waiting for mlre
So guys this is my first story and I have no editor, or proof reader if I wanted to find one were should I go.
7146871 This is a good story so far there are a few minor errors but it's pretty good and as for searching for editors it'll be kind of hard to find one especially if you don't want to pay just look for a specific editors group on fimfiction if you want some help with editing.
7146871 like I said, I will be willing to proof read for you if you need it. oh, and to alert people that you replied to their commit, click on the faint gray double arrow that looks like this >>. otherwise, they will have no idea you replied.
7146416 Awesome you pointed out the mistakes I was too lazy to do.
And yes as I stated in my comment below, it does hurt us girls too to be hit down there.
7146366 The front plot yes, but I think of that as just a mini set up.
The true plot is what will come now in the main universe, which to be honest is vague. I'll vote for a clean 5 for now, till I can get a grip on what is really going on here.
NSC.
7146871 Some stories have multiple editors/prereaders, though I'm not sure how much the extra 5 or so do.
I've said you need an editor and prereader to point out problems and help you fix them, or show plot holes. 7146463 has already offered you their services. You should accept it, and if you want, I could attempt to edit alongside them. If you don't want two editors, accept them. If you're fine with multiple, accept them and me as editors. If an editor doesn't have time or is ill (which also means they don't have time) the other could attempt to edit it by themselves.
Also, I pointed out 15 errs and/or places where it could be written better, and others have pointed out a few others, but I have yet to see any of that fixed.
"Father was a fox"
Aint that illegal?
Bitter sweet, not bitter sweat
7149577 Might be. But I love foxes and Ponies so I made my OC a high bread
7149917 I like Wholegrain bread
My cats' breed is tortoise shell
For your consideration
Awesome story! :3
why was this Cancelled after 1 chapter?
7158070
I am canalizing this because of a new co-lab story I'm righting.
I will be writing a new story for my OC called My Backstory.
it will be only one or two chapters long. this will explain how I got to the world of CHS from Equestria without a soul knowing about it. and how I began work for discord.
so Once we post the Collaboration book I will post My back Story.
Just for clarification I wanted my OC to be male, but the guy that drew it made me female. I didn't realize this till after I payed him. My new book has my correct gender though.
7158853 cool then
This isn't in present tense, technically speaking.
For example you write:
However to write this in present tense you would need to write it as:
Nice surprise to see this updated. I thought that you had canceled it though. What changed your mind?
Update it please
8245771
Good story needs an update though you left it on a cliffhanger
its good thing going here. i also like the cross between species.
I would make a story like this for my oc but...
Good start though!
FOXES!!!!🦊🦊🦊🦊🦊🦊🌋🦊🦊🦊🦊🦊🦊
Ohhhh invasion of privacy, will her mind latch on to twilight and they will form a mental link that will prevent them from going very far from each other...?