Ch 1
I had finished killing a group of hellhounds that were attacking a group of level 20 party members in the level 35 forest.
“Thanks for the help Miss Red if you have not come to the rescue we all would have lost most of our items.” Said the dwarf warrior that was being healed by their cleric.
“Don’t manage it.” I said as I put my sword and iron club away, as I stated to look there the dead hounds and gather all the item I took the money and throw the rest of it to the party who had a look of shock on they face after all the rescue party in this game will get all the items after saving a party.
“W-what why are you giving us the most valuable items for the kill!” said the Cleric as she healed the demon hunter in the group.
“Don’t need it I have what I want.” I said holding the bag of money.
“But the item I see here are all rare item hell I see a Hellhound hammer that at least 4000 gold at least.” said the mage that cast a speed spell over the group.
“Look all I need's my sword, Iron clab and money that is it I don’t need to go around killing all the good kills for all the other players.” I said to the party as I warped t the forest of the free. I look at all the gold that I had for all the time I move around the game world. I look at the lake that we close by to see my avatar reflexion. I had red skin with long white hair, horns with tiger lonkila armour. My avatar was a half aka-oni the other half was dragon the giveaway was the long dragon tail that was behind me.The thing is that my avatar was a female when I was male it was the only logical choice as the female were more powerful than the males.
I open up my screen to see my state I saw my skills from master of all fire spell to the thunder and ice power that I had. My strength was fully out as my speed and entrust were the next highest the rest were all third highest.
I was going to loge off want my screen black out I look around but nothing I tried to take the helmet off my head but I was the lock in. I look around in the black screen when a magic circle came into my vision. I started to my eyes at how bright it was the pain kick in after the light die down I slowly rebe my eyes from the pain and as my vision cleared I say my hand. That was red with claw nails… What?
I jumped up to look me over to see that I was seeing my avatar for the game. I put my hand into my hair and could feel the long silk of my hair...I was going to start to panicking but then I heard screaming coming a few feet away.
Panicking would have to wait as I ran to the scream, as I get my Iron Clad and sword as I made it I saw something that look like the hell hounds from the game but instead of fire they were made of wood and something that look like a werewolf with armor on, I look to where the monster were attacking to see three anthro ponies with horns and wings the larger one was wearing army and was bleeding bad the two behind her were no older the 4 or 5 as they held one another crying.
“...Wall I’m in a new body that was one my avatar from the game I played and I seeing monster attacking a woman and two children….HELL NO YOU BASTARDS ARE SO DEAD!” I yelled out that last part getting all they attanta of the monsters. I ran at them as I decided to test out a skill that my avatar had in the game to see if I had all my characters powers.
I then jumped into the middle of them and spun around with my weapons out states I then shouted out. “Hell Twister!” and just like it sound I spin around like Crash Bandicoot and beat the hell out of monster of the monsters there were cut for my sword or sand flying from my clab.
After the skill ended I look to see that half of the monsters were gone some were growling in pain or running way.
“Look out!” said someone behind me I then felt a small pain from my back. I look to see a wood hound biting into my back but I barely felt it. I then tested my strength by putting my sword down into the ground I grab the hound in my arm and squares the hound head, the next thing I know it heads in plots from the preacher.
They state to circle around me looking for openness to attack but as they were doing that I started charging up a skill one of my most favorite. Then they all jumped at me to attack but my skill was done charging. I smiled as I lay lose my skill. “Thunder Roar!” I yelled out as thunder shoot out of my body like a barrier and attacking all the hound that attack me destroying them or breaking a body part off of catching on fire.
After that, most of the hound started to back off or run away the only one left was the werewolf with armor and hound that stop attacking.
I look at the werewolf as it drew a long sword I saw the hound circling us it look like this was a battle boss with the alpha and if I remember right from the game if I win I get a rare item...I had a devil's grin on my face.
“I will end you Demon!” The werewolf said as the broth the long sword down onto me I heard scrum from the anthro ponies to move out as the sword made contact to me it hurt like hell I saw that it don’t even get there the skin. I looked at the wolf and saw the fear in its eyes than I opened my mouth and said. “Hell’s Dragon breath!” as Black fire came out of my mouth and ended the wolf in little under a min.
The rest of the hounds ran off as I grabbed the item that falls, as a screen appeared in front of me saying that I earn 300 gold and...what the hell is this I thought out and I look at the screen it said that I had gained the head of a pack that would give me mines to summon…? WHAT THE HELL ONLY MAGES CAN SUMMON MINES!
I then look to the ponies to see the large one down and coughing up blood. I looked her over and done she was drop dead gorgeous light orange ferry, showlight pink eyes and a mane that was like looking at the sun seat as the star started to come out. She was the whole package. My scans show that she and three broken ribs a painter lung and two dislocated wings.
“Mom don’t die please don’t die.” said the one with a pink mane and which ferry and purple eyes.
“Mommy please don’t gow I don’t want you to go.” said the small one with blue mane with night blue ferry and sky blue eyes.
I made my way to the one on the ground as she was looking into my yellow eyes.
“Thank you for saving me and my daughters.” said the gorgeous mare in front of me.
I was going to say something but felt something hitting me below I look down to see the one with Blue ferry crying.
“Pwease miss lady save mommy pwease don’t her die.” Said the filly in front of me. GOD THE CUTENESS IT SO POWERFUL. I thought out as I held a hand over my heart.
“Luna doesn't she as help us as far as she can.” said the mare the cough up some blood.
I had to do something that cute filly was not going to cry in front of me without me trying to help her mom. I open up the screen to my inventory to find something to help than I see that I still had all my item including the mage healing potion. I pulled it out of my inventory to see it in my hand I move to the mare and held her head to drink it but she as it was going down she caught it back up so I had only one thing left I took a large poster of the potion into my mouth and put my lips to her as I force it to go down.
If I was looking at the fillies I see the oldest covering the eye of the youngest how was asking what was going on. Ones the last drop left my mouth I move back as my tongue left her mouth with my face glowing bright red that you could see even throw my red skin.
I look at her as I see the potion had taken effect because she jumped back with her face just as red as mine.
“Wall that won't so bad.” She said as she looks away I still remember the fill of her soft lips.
“G-good happy to help.” I said as I just now heard my voice it sounded like Boa Hancock from one piece.
“You have a pwitty voice.” said the small filly that somehow was now in my hair.
“Luna get out of there.”Said the other filly as she runs out and jumped but instead made me fall over with them I smile and laugh at them.
“I think introduces are in order my name is Galaxia, the one in your mane is Luna *ha* and the one on your stomach is her older sister Celestia *Hallo* and what would your name by.” Galaxia said as she took off her army to reveal a dress under it.
I was about to give my name, but a thought came to me I have lost everything right now no home, family, friends and lost in another world in the body of my one character from a game I love to play. If I don’t have anything then I have a new stated so I must let the past go. I look back but at Galaxia and said my new name.
“Ha, the names Red, Red Horn Fang,” I said with a smile on my face.
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more plz
Well I like the direction this is going. But you have some grammar errors all over the story, I'm not trying to hate on this, just trying to give some.... constructive criticism. There's also a few spelling errors and it was a bit hard to tell what they were saying near the end. I do hope to see more though, so don't get discouraged and don't give up.
what rpg?
7218743 It stans for role playing game like Dragon age or Mass effect.
7218789
i know that i mean what rpg is it from
NIce start!!
But the Gramar!!! hoppe you can findo someone to help you with it .
hate to see a posibly good story suffer because of gramar.
regardless i'll be folowing this story .
keep up the good work
Good job it was good keep it up
I'm hope this isn't a displaced fic. I find adding the whole displaced token thing makes things way more complicated then necessary.
7218813 i don't think it's an RPG that exists, solely because it was a VR RPG. Remember he tried to disconnect by taking off a helmet.
By the way Author, you should get a proofreader, bluntly speaking, that was torture to my eyes. No downvote yet, cus i wanna see where this goes. A bit rushed as well.
I think the better question is, what happened to the grammar.
Great start can't wait for more. Also there was alot of grammar mistakes
The story could be the best conceptualized thing since Lord of the Rings and it would still be unreadable with this many grade-school spelling errors. Please get a proof reader.
hey dont listen to any of the haters i loved it and hope for more soon and i hope the Ch are longer
What is the name of the game this story is based on?
i like the story but you need someone to help with editing because there are so many grammatical errors
"my reaction it one bit"
Great story but THE GRAMMAR OMG PLEASE FIX IT but other than that, the story is a joy to read.
grammer error galore
You need a proof reader. Also you should rewrite this chapter to fix the grammar errors.
7219889 dammmmnnnnnn
Goddamn
! Someone needs to edit the shit out of this story
, it has so much potential but is severely dampered by the spelling and grammatical error.
Please get either a working keyboard, or an editor. Now on to the next chapter I go.
7218789 You, my friend need an editor for this story.
whats the game, I wanna run some statistics to see whether this is true or not
I'd understand if the females got better dexterity growth then the males and males got better strength growth by about 5%, which makes a big difference when your a high-ish level
but having all female characters be stronger then the males would be a bit sexist, dont you think?
No, sexism isn't males>females, sexism is any sex>the other sex, you dolt. Don't ask me again
ALSO
PLEASE PICK UP YOUR GRAMMAR
GRAMMAR MISTAKES MAKES ME HURT
7483332
I agree
He should get an editor
7218789
GET
AN
EDITOR
GET
AN
EDITOR
GET
AN
EDITOR
GET
AN
EDITOR
GET
AN
EDITOR
GET
AN
EDITOR
GET
AN
EDITOR
GET
AN
EDITOR
GET
AN
EDITOR
GET
AN
EDITOR
AND A PROOF READER WHILE YOUR AT IT
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD STORY
BUT GOD THE GRAMMAR
Im making the 2k word first chapter of pure spite
Pure
Spite
For this storys bad grammar
7632601 I agree but calm down, jesus
You made a error on the 5th word in the quoted paragraph. I figured I would let you know in case no-one had told you yet
I imaged her with a funny badass personality, but not one that is causing her to be an total asshole if you undertand what I mean, I'm mostly thinking about several Anons and some soldier guys.
Ah, the good old days. This is one of the first stories i red on fimfiction, and OH MY GOD THAT GRAMMAR.
Here's the time people instead of saying get an editor why doesn't anyone offer to edit if you have the time to criticize a story to this point and are so hurt by the grammatical errors why don't you take up the gauntlet and fix the mistakes yourself I will whole heartedly offer to edit for you if you need it also most of what I'm seeing here is destructive criticism crtiticism without offering any solutions yes there are grammatical errors for days in this but pick them out and explain what's wrong with them that is the difference just saying something is wrong won't fix the problem and without giving examples it won't be fixed . Constructive criticism means you find a problem point out the exact point in the story and offer a change or solution to said problem ie for this post I have been rambling for a while space out thoughts and put in punctuation at these points
Don't mention it."I said as I put my weapons away , as I started to loot the bodies of the hounds. I take the money and hand the rest off to the party who looked shocked due to the fact that rescue party's get first dibs on the loot.
Granted changed a lot of wording here and you don't need to take this advice but Its just a suggestion for possible changes.
9237126
I like you already!