Spike's Doom and/or Destiny

by terrycloth

Peak of Luxury

For all the trouble it had taken to get there, Moriaz looked like nothing more than a small mountain village. A very clean, very fancy mountain village, like you might find on the other side of the mountain from Canterlot, where the wealthiest unicorns liked to pretend that they were roughing it while still getting meals flown in from their favorite three-hoof restaurant.

The restaurants didn’t have three hooves displayed (they had stars instead, for some reason), but they seemed to be of a similar ilk, and the shops they passed looked very expensive. Derpy kept flitting from window to window to press her face up against the glass and admire the displays, but she made sure to keep up with Bon Bon, who was carrying the sticky pile of marshmallowed Moondancer and Spike on her back.

“Do you see an inn?” Bon Bon asked, not able to see much herself since a sheet of Moondancer’s sticky mane was plastered over her face.

“Excuse me!” Derpy said to the first person she came across on the street. “Do you know where I can find an inn?”

“Oh, but of course!” said the tuxedoed unicorn. “I was just on my way there now to gawk at the common folk as well. Bob the Beer Guzzler is supposed to be there tonight, and he always gives me such a chortle!”

“Um… okay,” Derpy said. “So I’ll just follow you then?”

“Just so,” the unicorn replied. “I must say, that’s an excellent outfit you’ve assembled there. It truly looks battle-worn, perhaps almost functional? I don’t go for the costuming myself, but never let it be said that a Peerless doesn’t appreciate someone who’s willing to go the extra mile.” He coughed, and looked embarrassed. “Oh, dear me. I didn’t introduce myself, did I? Peerless Diamond, at your service.” He tipped his top-hat, and gave a little bow.

“I’m Derpy!” Derpy said. “Pirate Derpy, of the Great Muffin.”

Peerless chortled. “Of course you are, my dear.” He looked around, before slowly waddling along the street in the direction they’d already been going. Derpy hovered just behind him, following patiently. It wasn’t like Bon Bon was much faster, loaded down as she was.

They attracted a lot of attention as they walked through the town, most of it… curious.

“That’s a marvelous outfit. I can’t recognize her at all?”

“Do you think it could be someone new?”

“Don’t be silly, the only way here is by airship, and I can’t imagine I’d miss that.”

“Well, she does have wings…”

“Hmm, she doesn’t look very rich to me. You don’t think she’s secretly a commoner?”

“A common adventurer, playing at being a common adventurer? What would be the point?”

“Just ignore them, my dear,” Peerless said to her, in a stage whisper. “Gossip makes the world go round, don’t you know?”

They turned a corner onto what looked like the main street of the village, with the cheerful lights of the inn clearly visible to the left, and a towering cathedral at the end. The buildings were all decorated with blinking lights and floral wreaths, and giant candy canes were set up here and there along the way as if it was Hearth’s Warming, but nopony seemed to be paying them any attention except for the overall-clad workers switching out the wreaths for fresh ones.

What caught Derpy’s eye was the stallion struggling through the snow, dragging a small chest that seemed to be giving him a lot of trouble. In a few flaps of her wings, she was at his side. “Do you need help?” she asked.

“Ha! No, no, this is my daily routine,” the stallion said, grunting as he scraped the chest along the cobblestones. “’Sides, I doubt a frail thing like you could even lift this.”

Derpy blinked. “I don’t think anypony’s ever called me frail before,” she said, latching onto the chest and flapping her wings experimentally. It didn’t move. She flapped a little harder, and managed to get the thing off the ground with far more effort than something its size should have taken. “Wow, this is heavy!” she said, dropping it with a heavy THUNK. “Sorry, I just wanted to check.”

The pony laughed. “No harm done, miss.” He unlatched the chest, and opened it to show her the contents – it was filled to the brim with golz coins. “Ever since the gold mine ran dry, so to speak, this is all I’ve been able to pull out of the ground.” He spat on the street. “Worthless golz. Can’t believe the Emperor got the peasants to use it for money.” He closed the chest, and started dragging it again. “So I haul a huge chest of it every day, and just toss it over the side of the cliff over yonder. I don’t care what anyone says, I’m never going to see this filth as real wealth. Not like the gold we used to mine.”

“Every day?” Derpy asked. “Wouldn’t the mountain be covered in golz by now?”

“Well, every time I think of it,” the stallion said. “Hard to tell what a day is, honestly. Besides, I think the janitorial staff disposes of most of it.” He snorted. “Probably think it’s a tip. But what can you expect of orcs?”

“Those aren’t just any orcs, Gold Rush,” said Peerless, catching up at last. “Those are premium Red Orcs, imported at great expense from the Red Desert.”

“Bah!” Gold Rush said. “An orc’s an orc, no matter how much they charge.”

===

Derpy was relieved to see Bon Bon taking charge again when they finally got to the inn. Most of the tables were full of wealthy ponies, some in suits and dresses, like Peerless, and others in extremely gaudy and impractical adventurer gear. The seats at the bar were for the real adventurers – or at least, for the more serious cosplayers.

Bon Bon watched Derpy take a seat with Peerless, excitedly chatting about their adventures with him and his friends, and dragged herself over to the bar, Moondancer and Spike still on her back, to ask about getting a room.

“Ah, of course we have a room for good adventurers like you,” said the barkeep. “2000 golz.”

“What?” Bon Bon asked, nostrils flaring.

He smirked back at her. “Or complementary if you spend a few hours at the bar here. We pride ourselves on our authenticity.”

“Fine,” Bon Bon said. “But we need to wash up first, and get a new checkpoint. Where’s your Giant Floating Crystal?”

“Our what?” he asked. “Here in Moriaz we don’t deal in such things. If you die, pay a priest to resurrect you. It’s more expensive, but you don’t have to deal with the curse.”

“And here I thought you prided yourself on your authenticity,” Bon Bon replied. “Everypony knows an inn’s not an inn without a Giant Floating Crystal.”

“Is that so,” the barkeep said. “Well, we’re more of an ‘inn experience’. Do you still want that bath? Since you’re so into authenticity, I can run it up ice cold, with a piece of pumice to scrape your hide clean.”

“Warm and with soap, please,” croaked Moondancer.

===

It was less of a bath and more of a hot tub, with running water and seven different kinds of bubble bath. The marshmallow dissolved easily in the water, at least, and after refreshing the tub to drain the stickiness, Bon Bon joined Moondancer and Spike in the warmth.

“I’m never going to feel clean again,” Moondancer grumbled, as Spike combed out her tail to get rid of any lingering goop – he had the best claws for it.

“I can’t believe they don’t have a Giant Floating Crystal,” Spike said.

Moondancer groaned. “I really don’t want to climb the mountain again.”

“Actually, I’ve been thinking about that.” Bon Bon said. “The last crystal we touched was back at Arena Town, wasn’t it? The one that was mysteriously smashed.”

“Oh, yeah,” Spike said. “So what does that mean? What do we do if we all get killed?”

“I don’t know,” Bon Bon said. “Die?”

“We’ve got to find the crystal then!” Spike said. “Moondancer, can you search for gems with your magic?”

“I don’t know,” Moondancer said. “Do you have a book of geomancy spells on you?”

“Huh?” Spike said.

“I don’t know that spell.”

Spike frowned. “But Rarity casts it all the time.”

“It’s her cutie mark talent, Spike,” Bon Bon said.

“Come on,” Spike said, “can’t you at least try?”

Moondancer rolled her eyes, then shrugged. “I can try to detect magic. I assume the Giant Floating Crystals are magic?” She lit her horn and let her gaze go a bit unfocused. “Hmm,” she said.

“Did you find it?” Spike asked.

“No, but the floor is shielded,” she said, letting her horn dim. “Suspicious.”

Bon Bon’s ears perked up, and she hauled herself out of the bath, sitting near the edge and wringing out her mane and tail. “I’ll go take a look in the basement.”

===

“Who you?” asked the orc standing at the griddle, frying a pan of heavily spiced potatoes and onions.

“I’m the new cook,” Bon Bon said, dressed in her chef’s hat and coat. “I guess the boss thought –”

“You no take my job!” the orc snarled, lifting a cleaver menacingly.

“I’m here to help you,” she said, lifting a hoof towards the orc.

“No need help,” the orc grumbled, turning back to her pan and shaking it a bit. “Food supposed to be slow. Authentic.”

“Well, maybe I can clean up a bit?” Bon Bon suggested. “Customers don’t come back here, so there’s no point giving them authentic food poisoning.”

“Whatever,” the orc said, pointedly ignoring her.

Bon Bon smiled, and started ‘cleaning’. Mopping the floor gave her a chance to scope out the place, and an excuse to stay low and in the back, out of view of the doorway when the boss poked his head in to shout a new order. Clearing off the countertops made it less suspicious for her to check all the doors.

“Those go in cabinet!” the orc said, after she opened the door to the pantry. So, still a little suspicious.

But that only left one door she hadn’t checked, and a quick wiggle of the doorknob confirmed it was locked. That had to be the door she was looking for. Unfortunately, it was right next to the griddle. This called for subtlety.

She set a stack of golz on the countertop next to the orc. “You don’t see me,” she said. “I was never here.”

The orc blinked, a bit confused.

“And I’m definitely not going to be taking your job,” she added.

The orc snorted, and pocketed the money, then turned her attention back to the food.

It took Bon Bon about ten seconds to pick the lock, and another five to slip through the door into the dark stairwell. Fifteen more seconds, and she was at the bottom of the stairs, faced by a large circular vault door, made of heavy metal with a complicated combination lock.

“Heh,” she said, stretching out her joints and looking it over. “Now this should be fun.”

===

Derpy hovered over the table, telling a story, “So then, after we’d taken out all the cows –”

“Hundreds of cows!” Spike said.

“Dozens! And the fire was closing in all around us! But Bon Bon finally said it was time to go fight the boss, now that we’d spent so much time practicing. So we opened the door – and foosh!”

“More fire?” asked a mare dressed in glittering jewelry, clinging fearfully to Peerless’ shoulder.

“More fire! It was a Demon Cow! Baalzebull himself!”

“Oh dear!” Peerless said, blinking and polishing his monacle. “However did you survive?”

“Painfully,” Moondancer volunteered. “He kept summoning back the cows we’d killed.”

“It was actually pretty fun,” Spike said. “I mean, in retrospect. At the time it was pretty tough.”

“But no cow can stand up to the heroes of destiny!” Derpy said, proudly. “Not with the Great Muffin on our side!”

Peerless furrowed his brow. “The – what?”

Derpy lifted a hoof to the heavens, and a muffin descended in a beam of light. “Here! Have a muffin!”

The door slammed open, and Bon Bon stalked through it, covered in snow. “Good. You’re all together,” she said. “Come with me.”

“In a minute, I’m almost done,” Derpy said.

“Now!” Bon Bon snapped. The whole room turned to look at her. “Come on,” she said, turning and leaving.

Derpy smiled apologetically at Peerless, and she and her friends followed. “We’ll be right back!”

===

“Did you find the crystal?” Spike asked, once they were out of the inn and down the street a ways.

“What took you so long?” Moondancer asked.

“Guy’s got some good locks,” Bon Bon said. “Really well made. He picked a crappy combination, though.”

“But did you find the crystal?” Spike asked again.

“Where do you think we’re going right now?” Bon Bon asked. “There’s a secret exit near the cathedral. I wedged it open, but we’ve got to hurry before someone notices. It’s not all that well hidden when it’s open.”

Fortunately, luck was on their side, and no one had noticed the propped open exit in the time it had taken her to walk down the street to get them and back. The exit wasn’t visible from the street, but several of the church’s windows had a view of it, and Bon Bon had left an obvious trail of hoofprints leading right to it across the snow-covered lawn. Bon Bon held the trap door open while the others filed in and made their way down the stairwell it covered, then let it close behind her with a ‘click’.

“Don’t touch anything except the crystal,” she said, as they emerged into a dark room, the blue light from the Giant Floating Crystal illuminating piles of golz and gems surrounding them, along with cabinets full of expensive looking china and pedestals with fancy vases and statuettes on display. “Everything here is trapped.”

The four heroes positioned themselves around the crystal, and as one leaned forwards to place hooves or claws against it. Like every time before, the world went blue…

When it returned, the barkeep was standing in the room with them, scowling. “Don’t tell anyone,” he hissed at them, “or I’ll lock the exit and you’ll be trapped in here until you starve to death, again and again.”

“Don’t tell anypony what?” Derpy asked.

“Don’t tell them I let you touch the crystal,” he said. “They paid me a lot of money to keep it hidden. I don’t want to think about what they’ll do to me if they find out you touched it.”

“Who are ‘they’?” Bon Bon asked.

“I don’t know,” the barkeep said. “I don’t want to know. Now get out of here.”

“Consider us got!” Derpy said, saluting.

“So… about that room,” Moondancer asked.

“Out!” the barkeep snapped.

Comments

[howard035]

Quite a lot happening for one little chapter. I hope Derpy kept that chest of golz. The nice thing about having an earth pony in the party (quadruped with magic strength) means never having to leave valuable loot behind out of encumbrance fears.

Hopefully before they move on the party gets a chance to spend their loot, even at inflated prices. And I do like the snarky barkeep. "Authentic bath" indeed.