Spike's Doom and/or Destiny

by terrycloth

Mission Report

They woke up in their beds. Somepony had tucked them in and laundered their armor, which was folded and stacked on the dresser near the door. In another corner of the shared room they'd set out a large wooden tub of warm water, with soap, sponges and towels nearby.

"Dibs!" Spike shouted, leaping out of his bed and running for the tub. Moondancer grabbed him in the middle of his terminal leap before he could splash down, and slowly lowered him into the bath. "Heh heh, sorry," he said, grinning over the edge as he soaped up a sponge and started scrubbing.

"Not big on privacy, are they?" Moondancer remarked. There was certainly no privacy to be had in the room -- not even a dressing screen or a closet.

Bon Bon rolled out of bed and started doing stretches. "It seems a bit late for that. We've all seen you disemboweled."

"And wearing that --" Derpy paused to give a huge yawn, fluttering her wings a bit and then collapsing back onto her pillow. "Marshmallow..." she muttered, drifting back to sleep.

Moondancer's coat crackled as a wave of magic swept over her from nose to tail, quickly cleaning off all the sweat and grime she'd accumulated since she'd last cast the spell. She walked over to the armor, and stared at the Battle Saddle. "I don't need to put that on right now, do I?" she muttered. "It's safe here in town. Nopony's going to attack us here."

"You never know!" Spike said. "Cut scenes could strike at any time! But don't worry, I'll help you put it on."

"I'll wear my old robe."

"Sold it back in River Town," Bon Bon said.

Moondancer sighed. "Then I'll go buy another one. We have money now, right?"

"And walk around the town naked?" Spike asked. "They all wear clothes here, remember?"

Moondancer grit her teeth, and lifted the blanket off her bed.. "I'll make a robe."

Spike and Bon Bon stopped what they were doing to watch, as Moondancer's magic enveloped the blanket and got brighter and brighter as she focused all her concentration on the spell. Just when it looked like she wasn't going to be able to summon up the power, there was a flash of light, and where the blanket had once been was... an orange.

"Huh," Spike said. "Not where I would have gone with improvised clothing, but maybe if you stuck it in just the right place --"

The orange rebounded off his forehead and splattered on the far wall, and he sank into the tub with a cascade of bubbles.

===

Spike was rescued before he drowned, and helped Moondancer braid the Battle Saddle's straps into her tail and mane and around her legs again, while Derpy and Bon Bon helped each other bathe to save time. They weren't in any hurry, as far as they knew -- not even the theoretical hurry they'd been in to rescue the princess, which hadn't ended up hurrying them along much at all. They were all hungry for something to eat, though, and actual food from an actual restaurant was sounding a lot better than more trail rations.

Muffins and candy hardly even counted as food at this point. Well, except to Derpy.

A guard was waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs. "King McGuffin requests your presence at your earliest convenience," he said.

"Okay!" Derpy replied cheerfully, as the four of them headed over to the tavern adjoining the inn for some breakfast. They picked out a table, and Spike headed up to the counter to get some food.

"Can we get some pancakes and eggs?" he asked the bartender. "Four plates, please."

The bartender didn't respond. In fact, the whole room had suddenly gone silent.

"Um... why is everypony staring at us?" Derpy asked.

The guard cleared his throat. "King McGuffin requests your presence at your earliest convenience."

Spike nodded. "We were going to go with you after breakfast, but something's wrong with the ponies here." He waved a claw in front of the bartender's face, which made him shy away, but he still wasn't taking their order. "What's up with that?"

"King McGuffin," the guard repeated, "requests your presence at your earliest convenience."

Bon Bon sighed, and got out of her chair. "Which means now?" The guard didn't reply. "Come on, girls. Looks like food will have to wait."

===

Derpy summoned some muffins for them while they walked towards the castle, which at least staved off the hunger pangs, if not the cravings.

"They're all staring at me," Moondancer hissed, as she tried to somehow curl up in a ball and disappear while walking briskly towards the castle. It ended up mostly as an uncomfortable cringe.

"I think they're staring at all of us," Bon Bon said.

"We're their heroes after all!" Spike said enthusiastically. "Right?" he asked a nearby mare.

"Yes! The heroes have returned, with our princess! Just like King McGuffin said they would!" she replied. "There's sure to be a celebration in honor of your victory!"

Spike grinned. "Huh. Really? Will they have food?"

"The best food!" she confirmed. "And music, and games... it's been ages since we had a royal celebration! Everyone's looking forward to it!"

"Neat!"

"And all the shops will be closed, so that I have to parade myself in front of everypony in this ridiculous armor for as long as possible," Moondancer said through gritted teeth.

"Yes. Clearly the celebration is planned purely to annoy you," Bon Bon said. "It must be Destiny at work."

"You should always embrace your Destiny!" Derpy said. "Except that Destiny here is some immortal emperor so he's probably like a jillion years old. He might not be a lot of fun to embrace."

"You can embrace me anytime," said a Pegasus stallion, leering. Moondancer manifested a spectral hoof and smacked him into the side of a building. "Thank you... mistress..." he mumbled as he sat in a confused heap.

"Hey!" Spike said. "Why'd you do that? He might have been a new party member!"

"We don't need any more party members," Bon Bon said. "If we found one, we'd probably have to swap one of us out."

"Are you sure?" Spike asked. "The legends said there were supposed to be five heroes."

Moondancer growled. "Not. Him."

"Fair enough," Spike said. "He must have been pretty weak anyway, if you could take him down with one spell." He paused to think for a while. "Maybe the princess?"

===

The princess did not look like she was going to join them on their quest. When they entered the throne room, she was sitting imperiously on a large throne next to her father's, wearing a fancy gown covered in lace. She looked quite irate. "Do you know how long you've kept us waiting?" she asked.

"Not really," Bon Bon said. "We usually tell time by the sun, but it hasn't moved since we came here."

"Ah, you come from a world where the sun still moves?" King McGuffin asked, leaning forwards eagerly. "There are ancient legends of the sun moving in the sky, and sometimes dimming to the point where even an open field was as dark as a dungeon! Nowadays, this mythical 'night time' can only be found --"

"Father," the princess said. "Can we get on with it?"

"Oh, if we must," the king said, his face falling.

"I'm afraid we have no choice, if we wish to eventually see this through to the end," the jester-pony said, patting the king on his shoulder.

"But they're going to be so angry," the king said, quietly. "I just don't know if I can break the news..."

"Then allow me," the jester said, stepping back and giving a bow. He turned towards the heroes. "In recognition of your heroic deed, the Immortal Emperor Destiny has completely failed to respond in any way, shape, or fashion, except to barricade the Empire proper behind his imperial checkpoints, leaving this kingdom, and many of the other outlying lands, at the mercy of the nameless one. Clearly, he is not impressed."

"They spent two weeks doing sidequests, while I was stuck in that horrible dungeon with those horrible orcs," the princess said, scowling at them.

"But honey, I thought you liked Lord Orcus?" the king asked, in a loud stage-whisper, as he leaned over towards his daughter.

"We can hear you," Bon Bon said.

The king paused, and slowly sat back up in his throne, and cleared his throat. "Yes. Well."

"I hope you wanted us to kill him," Bon Bon said. "Because when we left he was pretty dead."

"He knew the risk when he kidnapped my daughter," the king replied, waving off the concern with a hoof. "At any rate, as my Court Jester said, there has been a bit of a setback in our plan to have you recognized as the Heroes of Destiny."

"Does that mean we can go home now?" Moondancer asked. "Because it sounds like your plan isn't going to work at all."

The king shook his head. "No, no, we can't give up that easily. It is a setback, but we're not done yet!"

"We also can't send you home," the jester added. "We could have our wizard make the attempt, but without another source of magic crystals he's unlikely to even be able to strand you permanently in a random hell dimension." He paused. "With a source of magic crystals, he'd probably just end up stranding you permanently in a random hell dimension."

"So it's Destiny or nothing, huh?" Spike asked.

"Indeed, few are those who possess his knowledge of dimensional summoning," the king replied. "The Immortal Emperor's wisdom is unmatched -- there's a reason his reign has lasted for a thousand years!"

"So what do we do?" Bon Bon asked. "Another quest?"

"Yes!" the king proclaimed. "A grand quest!"

"Not exactly a quest," the princess said.

"A fetch quest is still a quest," the king replied.

The princess rolled her eyes. "But the flutterponies are our allies! They shouldn't even have to fight anyone."

"Unless the flutterponies are here in town, I suspect we'll be doing plenty of fighting," Bon Bon said. "You walked with us all the way back from the forest -- you saw how the roads are."

"If you'd just buy some Repel," the princess said, with a sigh. "Or you can fight. You seem to like fighting. Just go to the flutterponies and ask for the four magic rings."

"Only the Heroes of Destiny can wield the four magic rings," King Mcguffin explained. "If you have the rings, then surely the Emperor will have no choice but to acknowledge you as the Heroes! Go to the west, past the desert, to the Forest of Night, where the flutterponies live in their ancient village, hidden in the leaves. Speak to Queen Rosedust, and explain your plight! Surely she will agree to grant you the rings, and with them we can demand the recognition you so clearly deserve!"

"That sounds doable," Bon Bon said. "What's the catch?"

"Hopefully, nothing," the king said, shrugging his shoulders. "But who can say what Destiny will have in store for you? A hero's life is rarely simple."

"And if it is, they tend to complicate it all on their own," the jester added. "Through thorough preparation and unmatched caution, the simplest trip to a neighboring kingdom can become an epic journey spanning the width and breadth of the land."

"Sidequests," the princess said, scowling. "It's always sidequests."

Comments

[RowynII]

I think the catch is "this plan isn't going to work either".

Maybe if the heroes could do more heroics and less min-maxing, Destiny would be more impressed? n_n