• Published 11th Apr 2016
  • 990 Views, 110 Comments

Spike's Doom and/or Destiny - terrycloth



Four friends are meeting up to play a nice game of Ogres and Oubliettes, but they get more of an adventure than they were looking for!

  • ...
2
 110
 990

Swear to God, Derpy

The party stood in a clearing at the base of a hill. A wide stone staircase, flanked by statues, led up to a gothic-styled building halfway up the slope. In the bright sunlight of the eternal day, it completely failed to be menacing or even sinister. Also, the windows were all stained glass depicting happy figures in various shades of pastel.

“Are you sure this is the place?” Spike asked.

“They said to head south around the mountain range, and then we’d find it in the large valley to the north,” Moondancer said. “We did exactly what they said, so this should be Orcus’ castle.”

“It doesn’t really look like a castle,” Derpy said. “It’s all pointy.”

Spike nodded. “And small. It’s even smaller than Twilight’s place.”

“We’ll find out soon enough,” Bon Bon said. “Let’s go inside and ask around. If they attack us, that means we’ve found the right place.”

So they made their way up the staircase, glancing at the statues to either side. Many of them seemed to be statues of heroes – wizards, priests, thieves, and warriors – but more than half of them were all of the same robed wizard, with a hood hiding his face. A bright brass placard on the base identified the figure as ‘The Immortal Emperor Destiny’.

Near the top, one statue was smashed and defaced. “I wonder who this was,” Spike said.

“That was a statue of the nameless one,” said a young mare in black robes standing out front of the building. “The Immortal Emperor Destiny ordered all statues of the nameless one destroyed, at the same time that he cursed his name so that none could speak it without calling down Destiny’s wrath.”

“Why would there be statues of a dark lord?” Moondancer asked. “Did he conquer the land before being defeated?”

The mare lowered her head. “He was not always dark. Once he was a champion of the common ponies… or so he said. But he would not listen to reason, even when his foolish experiments led to disaster after disaster, and so The Immortal Emperor Destiny took it upon himself to protect the world from the nameless one’s evil.”

“Oh,” Bon Bon said, nonplussed. “So this is a civil war.”

“There is only one true leader, and that is The Immortal Emperor Destiny,” the mare said, bowing her head further.

Bon Bon snorted. “Or at least that’s what you’ve been ordered to say.”

She looked up at Bon Bon, shocked. “To say otherwise would be unspeakable heresy,” she replied, then turned and raised a hoof to motion towards the building. “And if there is one place where heresy should remain unspoken, is it not here, in the Church of God?”

“What’s a church?” Spike asked, at the same time as Derpy asked, “Who’s ‘God’?”

The black-robed mare smiled. “Come inside, visitors, and see for yourselves.”

===

After having spent several periods that they were guessing were approximately equal to days in the wilderness, eating mostly what they could forage, the Church of God’s Gift Shop and Café was like a blessing from the heavens.

“So it’s a temple,” Spike said, munching on his hamburger. He’d picked up a taste for them at Canterlot High, but they were hard to find in Equestria. “She could have just said ‘temple’.”

“To be fair, we did immediately recognize it as soon as we walked through the door,” Bon Bon replied, picking at what definitely were not hay fries, although she’d been assured they were safe for vegetarians. “It’s not where I’d hold a kidnap victim, though. Even if you somehow got everypony who works here in on the plan, there are too many travelers.”

Moondancer’s salad was, thankfully, a completely normal salad. “According to this map, there’s another valley farther to the east,” she said, putting her hoof down on the map of the region she’d bought from the gift shop. “There’s a little castle drawn in it.”

“Ah,” Spike said.

“So we’ve basically been wasting our time since we turned north.”

“Mmo we havemmp,” Spike said, around his food. He swallowed, loudly. “They’ve got hamburgers.”

===

Meanwhile, Derpy was talking to the priest. “I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on, okay? I always believed in the Great Muffin but I never really believed believed. It was just a joke to me until it suddenly started working.”

“Ah, I’ve seen this before, my child,” the old gray pony said in a calm voice. “You are not a priest, whose faith in God is strong enough to survive even in the face of silence. You were called to the service of this ‘Great Muffin’, to show the world that he –”

“She,” Derpy corrected him.

The priest nodded. “That she exists. You are an oracle. A prophet.”

“I’m a pirate,” Derpy said. “Can’t you see the eyepatch?”

“Indeed. And if the holy folk of the Great Muffin are indeed pirates, then I think that perhaps your goddess is an angle of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.”

Derpy narrowed her eye. “She can’t be an angel. She answers prayers! With muffins! If they were angel-muffins there’d be more feathers.”

“Not an angel, my dear. An angle. You are a vegetarian like most of your friends, correct?”

“I don’t eat meat,” Derpy admitted, “but I don’t really like vegetables either.”

“But you would turn your back in disgust if offered a big sloppy plate of spaghetti, topped with meatballs.”

“What’s a meatball?”

“It’s a ball made out of meat,” the priest explained.

“Oh, of course,” Derpy said, then shuddered. “Ewww.”

“Precisely. For those like you, the Flying Spaghetti Monster cannot appear in his true form, so he comes at you from another angle. Perhaps as a muffin.”

“So you think she’s a big fake,” Derpy said, frowning.

“It seems likely,” the priest said.

“And god is really a big plate of spaghetti.”

He laughed. “No! Oh my lord, no. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is not God. God is the true God, the creator of the universe. He is above any physical manifestation, or anything as blatant as responding to prayers with instantaneous healing! He has no prophets, no oracles. He is worshipped by those whose faith is true.”

“So you can’t cast spells?” Derpy asked.

“I can cast them, but they do not work for me, since my god is above such petty concerns.”

“Then how do you even know he exists?”

The priest smiled. “I have faith.”

===

“So where’s Derpy, anyway?” Moondancer asked, once she’d finished her salad, gone over the map a few more times, and basically gotten bored of waiting.

“I saw her go into the back room with the priest,” Spike said. “They were going to talk about god or something.”

“He probably wants to show her what it’s like to be touched by the divine,” Bon Bon remarked. She’d gotten up and was browsing the shelves in the gift shop.

Moondancer stared. “And you let her go? All on her own?”

“I didn’t know where she’d gone until Spike mentioned it just now,” Bon Bon replied. “I was keeping an eye on the enemy, since we thought this was Orcus’ Castle.”

“What?” Spike said. “She’s an adult. If she wants to exchange a few private words with someone she’s allowed.” He paused. “I mean, I’m allowed to hang out with strangers like you girls now, and Derpy’s about five years older than me.”

“That’s because Twilight is a terrible parent!” Moondancer replied, standing up.

Spike scowled. “She’s not my mom!”

“Come on, you two!” Moondancer said, “We have to rescue her from that pervert!”

===

“So I guess you’re the wrong person to ask about learning more spells then,” Derpy said. “I guess I’ve been figuring them out on my own so far…”

“No, I know some divine spells,” the priest said. “Even if they don’t work for me, there are plenty of so-called priests of the Flying Spaghetti Monster who can cast them. I imagine you could cast them too.”

“Really?” Derpy asked, her eye lighting up. “Teach me!”

“Of course, of course,” the priest said, smiling. “But there’s the small matter of my fee…”

===

“Get out of my way,” Moondancer said, to the two black-robed holy mares guarding the door to the back of the church.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but the priest gave us strict instructions that he was not to be disturbed.”

“Our friend’s been back there for a really long time,” Spike said. “We’re getting worried.”

One of the guards giggled. “Oh, I imagine she’ll be back there for a while.”

The other gave a beatific smile. “Father Antony is very skilled, and always takes such joy in teaching new students. They might be in there for hours. Why don't you make camp, and check for her again when you awake?”

“Get out of my way,” Moondancer said, brandishing her scythe, “or I’ll say ‘Dark Eidous’ again.” Lightning crashed, and the guard on the left gave a strangled squeak, then collapsed to the ground, smoking.

The other guard stepped aside. Moondancer pivoted to buck with her hind hooves, and kicked the door off its hinges. The three of them rushed inside – there was no time to lose!

“No!” came Derpy’s voice from one of the side rooms to the left. “Please mister!”

“Derpy!” Moondancer shouted, racing towards the sound.

“No. No no no! This can’t be happening!” Her voice cracked with anguish, and they heard a muffled sob.

Moondancer kicked the door open, and the three of them barreled into the small office, to find Derpy kneeling down over the priest, crying and pressing her front hooves to the gaping, bloody wound on his chest.

She looked up at them as they entered. “Why won’t it work?”

“Uh…” Spike said, staring at the dead body.

“What in Celestia’s name happened here?” Bon Bon asked.

“I guess you really can take care of yourself,” Moondancer said, lowering her weapon. “Did he hurt you?”

“What?” Derpy asked, staring at Moondancer, confused.

“Uh…” Spike said again. “Did you just kill the head priest?”

“I didn’t mean to!” Derpy wailed, stomping on the corpse’s bloody chest a couple times in frustration.

“Just tell us what happened, okay?” Bon Bon asked, putting a comforting hoof on her shoulder.

“He was so nice,” Derpy said. “He knew so many spells, but I could only afford one of them, since he wanted a lot of golz and you have most of it still.”

“Okay…” Spike said.

“So I paid him, and he taught me the spell, and then I stabbed him in the chest with my cutlass.”

“Derpy,” Bon Bon said, “that kills ponies.”

“I know!” Derpy said, sniffling, and tried to wipe the snot off her muzzle with a bloodstained hoof, with mixed success. “But how else was I going to test the resurrection spell?”

Moondancer spotted an unfurled scroll lying on the floor next to the body, and lifted it up with her magic to read it. “This is the spell?” she asked.

Derpy nodded. “Do you think you can cast it?”

“It’s not unicorn magic,” Moondancer said. “So, probably not.”

Derpy looked down, “Oh.”

“I can read the warnings at the top, though,” she continued, “and it says it only works on members of your adventuring party. It relies on the bond of shared destiny to retrieve them from the shores of death.”

Derpy stared at her.

Moondancer grimaced. “You can’t just use it to resurrect random ponies. You can only use it on us.”

“Oh,” Derpy said, wiping off her eye with a fetlock. She looked down at the priest, who was still dead. “My bad?”

“Maybe we should leave,” Bon Bon said. “Now.”

“That would, um,” Derpy stopped trying to hide the priest’s body under the desk, since it was too wide to fit. “Yeah, we should go.”

Moondancer scowled. “Is there a back door? I kind of made a scene in the front room.”