Spike's Doom and/or Destiny

by terrycloth

Preparations

Moondancer, her embarrassing armor once more concealed beneath a cloak, tapped her scythe impatiently against the cobblestones of the small plaza. They’d completely missed this section of Castle Town on their first visit, since it didn’t have any buildings and looked like a blackberry thicket from a distance. But Derpy’s keen eye for embarrassing situations to get herself stuck in had led to them getting an intimate knowledge of the blackberry bushes, and by the time they’d gotten her untangled, Spike (on Deep Bush duty thanks to his armor and scales) had stumbled into the training pavilion hidden away between the bushes and the town wall.

There was also a wide, well-maintained pathway that led to the tavern. Nopony was sure how they’d missed that the first time.

At any rate, they were here now, and had plenty of golz to spend on whatever ‘training’ looked useful. And now the doddering old wizard searching through his pile of ratty scrolls seemed to be doing his best to convince Moondancer that they might have been better off missing the plaza on this visit, too.

“Can you describe this spell you’re trying to sell to me?” she asked.

“What?” the wizard said, lifting his head and letting the pile rustle back into a disorganized mess.

“This spell you insist I ‘have to have’. What does it do?”

“It’s the most basic spell that every wizard must know!”

“Can you demonstrate it?” she asked.

The wizard paused. “Well, I suppose that wouldn’t hurt. Here – watch that rock.” He pointed at a scorched, crumbling rock that might have been a pillar at one point, before several of the trainers started using it as a training dummy. His horn lit, and large rock glowed as it rose into the air, spinning slowly next to his head. “Magic… missile!” he exclaimed, as the rock shot towards the pillar and shattered.

Moondancer sighed. “I already know telekinesis.”

The wizard scoffed. “No! Not telekinesis! I’m not talking about floating things around in the air, I’m talking about magic missile! How can you not already know this spell?”

Moondancer lifted a rock in her magic and flung it at the pillar. It bounced off with a clack, and thumped to the ground.

“No! No no no! That’s all wrong!”

“I don’t have a lot of magical strength,” Moondancer said. “Throwing rocks isn’t going to do much.”

“Not when you throw like a schoolfilly,” the wizard said, turning back to his scrolls. “Throwing rocks indeed. Now where did I put it…”

Moondancer picked up one of the other scrolls, and looked it over. “Interesting,” she said. “Can I take this one, instead?”

“Not until you learn magic missile!”

===

“You can’t just learn one of my songs, my dear,” said the instructor. He wasn’t a pirate, precisely, but he insisted that his techniques would work for anypony with a talent for healing magic. “You need to sing about something that you love.”

Derpy cleared her throat, and started to sing in her scratchy, cracking voice, “Why are there so many songs about muffins? And why are they baked, not fried? Muffins are honest, not like jelly donuts, who keep all their secrets inside….”

“Good, good,” said the fancily dressed pony, playing a small lyre to accompany her singing. “I can feel it!”

Derpy grinned, and fluttered up into the air, dancing a bit as she continued. “I’ve baked them too many times to forget them, they’re something that I need to eat. Someday we’ll find her, the Muffin Inventor, the mothers, the bakers, and me!”

There was a rush of power welling up from inside her, and a wave of green light spread from Derpy, washing over her teacher and all the ponies nearby, filling them with healing and energy. Some of them closed their eyes and let the breeze rustle their manes, others found themselves suddenly hungering for a second breakfast.

“You did it!” said the lyre player. “I’m so proud of you!”

Derpy grinned and landed and hugged him. “Thank you so much for teaching me!”

“Oh, my lovely little pirate, it was my pleasure to hear you sing. And that’ll be 1000 golz.” His demeanor switching instantly as he held out a hoof for payment.

As Derpy reached for her saddlebag to get the coins, her eye couldn’t help but focus on her cutlass, and she paused as she considered an alternate means of payment. No. Not here, in front of everypony. “I’m the pirate,” she grumbled instead as she fetched the money. “Shouldn’t I be the one robbing ponies blind?”

===

“I basically spent the whole day doing strength exercises,” Spike said, gobbling down his third hamburger. “Turnth out I wath holding the thord all wong.”

“I bought some anatomy charts for common monsters,” Bon Bon said, staring at Spike as he ate. “Some of the pieces you can cut off are… useful.”

“Edible?” Spike asked, after swallowing.

Moondancer grit her teeth. “I think I’m going to be sick. Please don’t talk about eating monsters.”

“Don’t worry,” Bon Bon said, with a tiny smile. “All the recipes are safe for equine consumption.”

“I learned how to sing!” Derpy said happily. “It turns out, you don’t need to stay in tune or keep a steady rhythm or anything! You just need to feel the music.” She put a hoof to her chest. “In here.”

“Please don’t demonstrate,” Moondancer said, ears flattening against her skull pre-emptively.

“So what did you spend your training money on?” Spike asked.

“I learned a simple force-field spell that maintains an invisible barrier just above my skin, that takes no concentration to maintain once it’s in place, and only draws mana when something hits it,” Moondancer said.

“Sweet,” Spike said. “Like, magic armor!”

“It’s not as strong as I’d like,” she said. “Oh, I also learned how to throw rocks. The wizard said I threw like a filly and insisted I learn how to do it properly.”

“Ugh, stallions,” Bon Bon said.

“I know, right?” Derpy said. “That bard was totally flirting with me the whole time he was teaching me. I was going to stab him and get my money back, but I remembered how angry you all got last time I did that.”

Moondancer nodded. “We’re already on thin ice with the Princess. Probably best not to murder anypony in broad daylight.”

“Yeah,” Derpy said. “And it’s always broad daylight here, so I can’t just wait until he sleeps.”

“Do you wait until ponies sleep a lot?” Spike asked.

“Not really,” Derpy said. “But it seems like what a pirate would do, doesn’t it? I was thinking about how we keep not getting to be heroes for real and maybe it’s because we’re not acting enough like our characters.”

“We’re not?” Spike asked. “I’ve been trying to protect you girls.”

“Not you, Spike! You’ve been doing fine,” Derpy said, before turning to look at the party chef.

Bon Bon grimaced. “I don’t want to get into character as a chef. I’m not even sure how I’d do that.”

“Isn’t it your day job?” Moondancer asked.

Bon Bon shrugged. “I spend half my time in the kitchen making candies, and half the time working the register and trying to keep the foals to fewer than a dozen free samples. None of that seems especially heroic.”

“Well, I know ‘magic missile’ now,” Moondancer said, rolling her eyes. “So I’m a ‘real wizard’. That’s half the team.”

“I’ll try stabbing somepony and robbing them the next time we get a good chance,” Derpy said. “Or maybe we could steal a boat!”

“Maybe you could make food puns?” Spike suggested. “You know, when you’re chopping people up with your cleaver, say you’ll slice them up like a carrot or something.”

“Uh… huh.” Bon Bon said.

Spike wilted a little. “Only, you know. Funny.”

“Or we could just get the magic rings,” Moondancer said. “That might be easier than coming up with a funny pun.”

===

They were met at the gate by the princess, flanked by half a dozen guards and accompanied by an elderly balding donkey.

“Ah, you’re finally deciding to set out on your journey,” she said. “Didn’t decide to explore the town’s sewers while you were here?”

“The town has sewers?” Spike asked. “Like, actual sewers that you can walk around in?”

The princess froze, her mouth open.

“Don’t worry, princess. We’ll go on your quest first,” Bon Bon said. “Although I didn’t expect you to accompany us.”

“I’m not,” she snapped. “My friend here is. He’s a travelling merchant who’s made this trip many times, so hopefully he can keep you from getting lost.”

The donkey gave a wide, snaggle-toothed grin, and held up a hoof. “Obvious Trader at your service, oh great heroes. Although you can call me Obvious, since we’re such good friends. We are friends, right?”

“I guess?” Spike said, taking the hoof in his claw and shaking it.

“Wouldn’t it be easier to just give us a map?” Moondancer asked, eyeing the donkey uncomfortably.

“Oh, a map won’t help you where we’re going,” the donkey said, chuckling. “To get to the Forest of Night, we must pass through Death Mountain, and none is more qualified than I to lead you to death.”

“Mountain,” Derpy prompted.

“Hmm?” the donkey replied.

“To lead us to Death Mountain.”

“Yes yes, I will lead you there, and make sure you arrive at your final destination on schedule.” The donkey chuckled. His expression hardened, momentarily, as he added, “I will not assist you in combat, however. I’m afraid you’ll have to fight your own battles.”

“Eh, we’re used to it,” Spike said, with a shrug.

“So… Obvious…” Bon Bon asked. “What is it that you trade, again? I don’t see a cart or anything.”

“Oh, I trade many things, yes,” Obvious said, giggling to himself a little. “This time, I am trading my services as your guide. A cart would only slow us down, and I understand that your mission is one of… grave importance. Is it not?”

“Yeah,” Spike said. “The fate of the world could depend on our success! We’re going to be the Heroes of Destiny, and stop the Nameless One.”

“Oh, are you?” Obvious said, smiling. “How fascinating. Now come, come, let us be off.”

“Obvious,” the princess said, as the heroes followed him through the town gate. “Do not fail me.”

“You can count on me to carry out your instructions exactly as you have requested,” Obvious Trader replied, bowing low.

Comments

[QuartzScale]

Oh he's gonna try to kill them just because the princess is a b*tch

[RowynII]

Welp.

None of the ponies are gonna see that one coming!

[howard035]

Call me crazy, but something about Obvious Traders seems suspicious.

[GriffonSpade]

Somehow, I get the impression that one of the letters in his name isn't supposed to be voiced.

[QuartzScale]

So... Continuing?

[terrycloth]

7954936 Yeah. I've been uninspired to write in general and the last update went to a different in progress story. But it'll happen!

[QuartzScale]

7954941 Woo! I enjoyed this story. You don't see this group of characters around if at all.