Relationships are Evil

by TheTimeSword

Chapter 34: Heart Warming

“This is very important to me, Discord.” Twilight levitated the garland around the staircase’s railing, making sure each baluster was weaved with the decoration. “Everyone has been telling me the same thing lately, and this Hearth’s Warming Eve party will finally rectify that.” She tied the garland to the end of the railing, forming a bow of sparkly green and red. “I’m going to make sure Starlight has a good time. Understand?”

“You do realize I don’t know what Hearth’s Warming is, right? I’ve spent most of my life avoiding pony tradition.” Discord held his hands out as she gave him a box of tree ornaments. “It just seems pointless. Why have one day of special chaos when you could have it every day?”

“Maybe I’ll tell you the story of Hearth’s Warming later, for right now I need you to hang those on the tree. Without Spike or the others helping it’s going to take a while to get these all done.”

Discord tossed the ornaments onto the tree which sat in the center of the castle foyer. It was large enough to almost touch the ceiling. “I had assumed you called me over to snap my fingers and have it be done, not to do menial labor.”

“To be honest, I absolutely would love your chaotic magic right now but you did just say you don’t know what Hearth’s Warming is.” She trotted down the steps and took a second box of ornaments. “Thanks for your help, though. Am I right in assuming this’ll be your first Hearth’s warming party, too?”

“What, you actually think I’ll be coming?” he sardonically asked.

“I would hope so. You’re in a bet for me, after all. If you win, you’ll be part of these holidays for the rest of your life. Not to mention getting me the perfect gift may help earn you some points in that regard. I’ve already got yours planned out, and I’d be really upset if you weren’t there for me to give it to you,” she replied, then smiled coyly at him.

An ornament slid off the tree and smashed on the ground. “There are presents!?” he shouted, waving the box of ornaments, sending them flying.

“Discord! Watch what you’re doing!” she commanded as she dodged the barrage of holiday decorations.

“No, no. No one has ever mentioned presents. Do all your holidays have gifts!? Why didn’t anyone ever mention this!?”

Twilight shook her head and began sweeping the broken ornaments into a dust pan with her magic. “Probably because you have, and I quote, spent most of your life avoiding pony traditions.”

He tapped his cloven hoof, trying to contemplate her words. “No. That can’t be it.” He shrugged and tossed the box of ornaments to her. “If you’ve already gotten me a gift, then I’ve got to go get the perfect one right now! You’re on your own!”

“Discord! You can’t be serious! I asked for your help!”

Stopping at the foyer door, he looked back at her pathetic face and felt his heartstrings tugged. “Oh, alright.” With a flick of his wrist and a snap of his fingers, the room filled with decorations. Large ornaments were strung from the ceiling, the tree filled with garland, ornaments, and lights, and the walls were layered with ribbons and bows. “Tada! That should do it. Tootles!” he exclaimed before blowing a kiss and walking out the door.

He stepped out into the cold winter air, immediately regretting his decision. Taking a single step onto the snow covered steps caused him to recoil as if it were sharpened spikes. Oh ho, silly me, he remembered, snapping his fingers once more and teleporting back to the cozy cottage he called temporary home. “Fluttershy? Fluttershy! Are you here?” he called.

The yellow pegasus came trotting down the steps, an eraser in her mouth and a pencil behind her ear. She gave a wave as she passed by him and continued for the kitchen. “Do you need something, Discord?” she asked after spitting the eraser onto the table.

“How many of your silly Equestrian holidays have gift giving? Also, why didn’t you tell me they had gift giving!?” he asked, pulling his cheeks in frustration.

“Oh, um,” she muttered, stroking her hair. “I’m probably wrong, but shouldn’t you know more about the holidays? You’ve been around for a lot longer than I have.”

“I believe you’re forgetting the part where I was encased in stone for a millennia. That doesn’t really allow for many holidays.”

“S-Sorry. At least now you can partake, right?” She turned the sink on and began washing her hooves. “Why are you curious about the holidays anyway? If you don’t mind me asking… Is it because of Hearth’s Warming?”

He took a few steps and leaned on the counter, eyeing her cleaning. “Oh, you’re very astute my dear Fluttershy. Yes, the upcoming holiday. Alas, it seems I have to find the perfect gift for Twilight, though I have no idea what that may even entail.” He held his claw to his forehead as if he were about to faint.

“She likes books,” Fluttershy mentioned as she shook her hooves dry. “And she likes you. I think that as long as it’s from the heart then she’ll love whatever you give her.”

Laughter exploded from the draconequus. “Y-You can’t be serious!” he exclaimed through his cackling. “That’s so hackneyed!” Taking a moment to let his fit of laughter subside, he mockingly said, “That’d be like getting you another pet.”

She tapped her hooves together, staring at the ground. “A-Actually I wouldn’t m-mind that…”

Discord slumped forward as he realized who he was talking to. “Right, right. Well I’ll be off then. Might as well check around town for an idea of what to get her.” He stepped through the living room and out the front door. “Wish me luck! Wait, who am I kidding? I won’t need it!” he exclaimed with another fit of laughter before closing the door. “A book… really. How naive.”

The sun had shifted in the sky as hours passed by, leaving the draconequus empty handed and empty headed. “Maybe I will need it,” he murmured, shifting through the still open stores of Ponyville. His face pressed against the glass of a kitchenware store, eyeing the teakettles and platters inside. “What could she possibly want? What is the perfect gift!?” he shouted, pulling his horns.

“Discord?”

He turned his head and noticed no one. He gave a shrug before his name was called once more, finally forcing him to look even lower than pony level. Spike stared up at him with a puzzled, disgruntled look. “Oh, hello Spike. Don’t mind me, just losing my mind. Not that I had it in the first place, but if I did, I certainly wouldn’t have it now. Your pony holidays will be the death of me.”

Spike chuckled. “My pony holidays? Sounds like you’re having the same problem I’m having.”

“Oh, right. I forget that you aren’t a pony.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “But how are you having trouble finding a gift? You were born and raised with these absurdly normal ponies! If you’re having problems then what does that say for me!?” He pulled his horns again and whimpered.

“I’m not having trouble finding a gift. I’m just unsure if I should give it or not.” Spike fidgeted with his claws as he stared at his reflection in the glass.

“Alright, you’ve lost me. Why wouldn’t you want to give a gift?”

The dragon sighed. “It’s for Applejack. I want to make amends for hurting her, but I don’t want her to get the wrong idea either.” Discord stared at Spike’s reflection, noting his eyes seemed dimmer than usual. “I’m just a kid, y’know? It was all fun and games with Rarity, mostly because in the back of my mind I knew it would never work. But, with Applejack, things got so serious so fast. I’m just not sure I’m ready for that.”

Discord held his hands up, and said, “Whoa, hold on. You and Applejack like each other?”

“A-Are you serious? Do you live under a rock?” Spike remarked, not a shine of humor in his words.

“Well, Fluttershy’s cottage is pretty out of the way around here…”

Spike slapped his own face, rubbing his nose down. “Anyways… The point is I’m not sure if I should give her a gift. I still want to be friends but I don’t know if I want to be anything more than that.”

“Why don’t you just give her a gift that’s smashable, and then tell her the truth? Though I suppose giving her something soft would be more ideal, in case she hits you with it.”

“Yeah, okay. Thanks for the help, Discord,” he replied, rolling his eyes before walking away.

Discord shrugged. Pretty sure being honest with the Element of Honesty is a good thing, but what do I know? He turned back to the glass of the store, glaring at the flowery teakettle that was displayed at his eye level. But it wasn’t the teakettle that caught his attention, it was the reflection in the glass. What do I know? His head swiveled around, continuing to glare at the cheery centaur that was marching in the snow, a band of fillies following behind.

“Is it a wedding bracelet?” Apple Bloom asked.

“What? No, of course not. That’d be way too soon,” Scootaloo said. “I bet it’s something really romantic, though!”

Discord then noticed what the centaur carried in his hands. A present the size of one of the fillies was wrapped up tight. That has to be for Twilight! How has he already gotten a gift!? Discord stormed through the snow, kicking up white flakes with every step. It didn’t take long for Tirek to notice, and they locked eyes. “Let me guess, you’ve already found the perfect gift?” Discord sneered, pointing accusingly.

Tirek turned back to the fillies, and said, “Alright girls, I’ve got a fight on my hands with the world’s biggest idiot. Why don’t you three run along and I’ll see you at the party, okay?” The three fillies danced around him for a moment before taking off. Once they were out of sight, Tirek’s eyes steeled and turned to Discord. “Just what do you want now, Discord? Beauty tips? You could use them.”

“That depends, are you interested in trading for comedy advice? You could use it.” He pointed to the present. “And what’ve you go there, hmm? A present for a certain purple, pointy pony?”

The present moved beneath the centaur’s arm and away from Discord. “Why yes I do. I’m going to win her heart with this one, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“How’d you find a good gift for her!? I’ve been reformed longer than you! I should know all about these annoying pony holidays!”

Tirek chuckled in Discord’s face. “Gift giving isn’t a pony thing, you imbecile. It’s not hard to figure out what another wants for a present. All you have to do is find what they find meaningful and get them that. Even you should have known that, or perhaps I mistook you for a bigger threat than you really are.”

Discord crossed his arms, frowning at the centaur. “What’d you get her, anyway?”

“As if I’d tell you. But it’s not hard to figure out. Twilight only likes a few things. Even Pinkie Pie is more complicated with the things she enjoys. Honestly, how did you ever become my rival for Twilight?” Without another word, Tirek trotted off, leaving Discord to fume.

“Yeah, well, you’re simpleminded!” he mocked. Discord felt the cold begin to worsen as he groaned from his lackluster insult. He shook his head and looked up at the sky, following the purple down to the sunset. He stared at the lowering sun, noting a leafless tree in the center of town that blocked his view. Simpleminded… Something so simple that I’m overlooking it. His mind spun through hoops of chaos as he stared at the tree that was wrought by winter. He slammed a fist into his palm, an idea forming in his brain.

With a snap of his fingers, he was gone.

Hearth’s Warming Eve had arrived the very next day. “Come on, Fluttershy! I want to give her my gift first before that vile half-breed ever gets the chance!” Discord stood at the cottage door, leaving it open to the cold.

Fluttershy wrapped herself in a scarf and placed earmuffs atop her head. She bit down on the handle of the wagon and pulled it to the door. Presents of all shapes and sizes were stacked within the small cart. “Actually, Discord, I wanted to give you your present before we left.” She reached into the cart and grabbed one of the smaller gifts by the bow, pulling it out and lifting it up to the draconequus.

He took it in his hands and stared down at the delicate gift. “F-Fluttershy.” He bit down on his lip and looked at her smiling face. “I-I didn’t get anything for you…”

She shook her head. “I didn’t expect you to. You’ve been so busy trying to win Twilight. You winning can be my gift, okay? I just hope this will help in some small way.”

He tore the wrapping and lifted the top of the box. His eyes shook as he stared down at the pair of white ice skates. “They’re just like the ones when we became friends! T-This is so meaningful – so thoughtful! Ho-how did you…?”

“I know you, Discord. We’re friends, after all.”

He smiled at her before grabbing and lifting her into a hug. “We are going ice skating tomorrow and we are going to skate until all your legs are broken!”

Fluttershy pushed away, giggling. “Alright, that sounds good to me. But we better get going. Do you think your present for Twilight will suffice?”

Quickly wiping a few tears from his eye, he answered, “I believe so. Thank you, my dear Fluttershy.”

“You’re welcome, Discord.”

The two headed out, marching through the snowy town and reaching the castle at the same time as some of the other Elements. Much of the decorations remained unchanged from Discord’s manipulation the day prior. He could already smell cinnamon wafting through the castle as bells rang all around. While Fluttershy put the gifts underneath the tree, Discord meandered away from the others, hoping to find Twilight. He wouldn’t have to look far as the alicorn came to greet her guests.

“Twilight! It’s so good to see you!” He lifted his present to her face. “I’ve got a present!”

The alicorn tilted her head and smiled up at him. “Sorry, Discord. But I already told Tirek I wouldn’t open up either of your gifts till later in the evening. I’m sure they’re both really good so I want the moment to be special, and right now I’m only concerned with making sure everyone will have a good time,” she explained before trotting past him to greet the other mares.

“Phooey,” he muttered, snapping his fingers and making the present disappear. “What am I supposed to do in the meantime?”

“Mingle,” Tirek answered.

Discord spun around, glaring at the centaur. “Mingle? With you? I’d rather drown myself in eggnog.”

Laughter bellowed from Tirek. “As if I was suggesting such a thing. It’s as if you don’t even know me, Discord.” He stepped past the draconequus, grinning with a pinch of smugness. “You don’t mingle, you don’t know what meaningful presents are. You’re going to lose at this rate. Not that I ever had any doubt!” He continued to laugh as he walked away.

Discord didn’t budge or turn sour, choosing to make himself scarce instead. The foyer was filling with ponies and ex-villains alike. The Cutie Mark Crusaders crowded around Tirek while Sombra stayed close to Rarity. Spying from wherever he could, Discord watched as Twilight spoke with every guest. She kept a specific closeness with Starlight and Chrysalis, he noted, while she kept her distance from Tirek and himself. He didn’t mind at first, though his patience was growing thin.

“Starlight and I aren’t on good terms, alright? I want to be. She’s very special to me,” Twilight’s words echoed within his mind. She barely spent a moment away from Starlight, and Starlight didn’t stray far from Chrysalis. He wondered if Chrysalis and Starlight were like him and Fluttershy, but he quickly shooed away those thoughts with a bit of laughter.

After some eggnog and cookies, he followed along with Tirek’s advice. “There’s no way you can sit in the snow for longer than five minutes!” he dared the blue pegasus. “I’m the Lord of Chaos, and I couldn’t even do that,” he lied.

“I can too!” Rainbow argued, throwing open the front door of the castle. The night air blew in a chill that would make even ice cubes shiver. “And I’ll prove it!”

Discord crossed his arms and grinned as Pinkie and Fluttershy stood around him. They patiently waited as Rainbow plopped her rump down in the frozen cold for five minutes. “You can do it, Dash!” Pinkie cheered

“R-Rainbow Dash! You shouldn’t be doing this! Y-You could get frostbite!” Fluttershy pleaded. “Oh, Discord. Make her stop!”

“No! I’m gonna prove it! This cold is nothing to me!” Rainbow shouted from the snow, her teeth clattering in-between words. Five minutes passed before she glided back inside. “See! A little cold can’t beat me!”

“My word, Rainbow Dash!” Discord exclaimed. “You shouldn’t have done that! You were out there so long that your buttocks turned… blue!”

She stared at him, watching as he tried to hold back his laughter. She finally made a disgruntled grunt, and said, “Very funny. Now hand over the bits!”

He burst into laughter and snapped his fingers, the five bits falling into her hoof. “The best five bits I’ve ever lost!”

“You shouldn’t encourage him, Rainbow… Now he’s just going to spend all night trying to find more things for you to do,” Fluttershy worriedly mentioned.

And she would be right, as he spent most of the night trying to convince Rainbow Dash to do silly tricks for his amusement. Every once in a while he’d look back to see what Twilight was doing, but it wasn’t long before he checked out other ponies as well. He noticed Royal Pin followed Pinkie like a lost puppy, and wondered if he would be like Royal should he win Twilight. She's already got me on a leash. He grimaced at the thought. Hmm, a leash! “Oh, Rainbow Dash!” he hollered.

It wasn’t long before another pair caught his eye. He hadn’t thought of Spike since the day before. He watched as Applejack opened her gift, revealing a package of cookies. Discord slithered his way closer, hiding within the shadows. They’re not too soft and not too hard, at least they’ll break on impact, Discord thought. The hit never came, however, as Applejack seemed to tear up and nod. She gave Spike a hug before walking away. Oh sure, I make hilarious apple-related observations and I get bucked, but he breaks your heart and gets nothing? Typical.

Discord skirted his way back to the yellow pegasus. He leaned his ear in, listening to her conversation and nodding his head as if he had always been a part of it. As he feigned his enthusiasm, he looked back to see how the purple dragon was fairing. Spike had gone all the way up to the second floor and stood against the railing, looking down at the rest of the partygoers. Discord gave a shrug and assumed nothing of it, but a second later, before he could turn back to Fluttershy, Chrysalis stepped out beside Spike. A flash of green came and went. It was dim but Discord caught it.

A moment later and Spike rushed down the steps with a smile as wide as Discord’s ego. That’s a bit odd, Discord remarked. He looked around the room and saw no one else had caught it. His eyes drifted back to Chrysalis and it seemed that she had caught him staring. She faded back into the shadows out of his sight. He turned back to Fluttershy and opened his mouth to ask something, but then he saw the centaur heading for the kitchen, holding the same present from the day before.

He panicked, snapping his fingers and making his own gift appear. Spike and Chrysalis flew completely out of his mind as he rushed to the wall outside the kitchen. He splayed onto the edge, taking note to listen before entering. That flea-ridden little centaur beat me to the punch, but I’ll get to see his pathetic gift at least. He peered in, eyeing the centaur and alicorn that stood alone near the fridge.

“Thank you for the gift, Twilight,” Tirek said, handing his gift to her. “Now, please, open mine. I’ve been waiting all day to see your reaction!”

Discord watched as she unwrapped the centaur’s gift. The bow was untied and the top was lifted off before several scrolls were pulled out. “Oh? What are these?” she asked, unraveling one of them.

“I decided to have my brother write down everything he knew about Star Swirl the Bearded. This is everything he could remember of the stallion, including a few spells.”

Twilight let out a gasp followed by a squeal. She floated up and wrapped her hooves around his neck, planting a kiss on the mouth.

That’s so thoughtful! Why is everyone so thoughtful!? Cursed pony holidays! Discord thought, biting down on his thumb’s nail. Sweat dripped down his brow as he quickly stammered back into place against the wall. The centaur came walking through the doorway and stopped once he noticed Discord. He gave a triumphant grin before continuing on his way.

“No snide remarks? Perhaps he thinks he truly won,” Discord mumbled to himself. Taking a deep breath, he stepped into the doorway with his present in hand. “My turn?” he asked, snapping Twilight’s attention from the scrolls. He stepped around the kitchen table and made his way to meet her. “I’m not entirely sure it’s the perfect gift. Well, not after…” He watched as she placed the scrolls away and pulled out another gift.

“Nope! I’m not taking yours till you open mine!” she demanded, levitating a purple and pink present into his grasp.

He put aside the gift for her and took the pastel present, untying the bow and tossing aside the paper inside. He could hardly contain the excitement on his face until he found what was inside. His brow furrowed at the sight. Grabbing the string, he pulled out a golden, triangle necklace. “Uh,” he stammered, trying to think of what to say. Before another word could echo from his mouth, Twilight grabbed his head and pushed her cheek next to his.

“Say cheese!” she said as the camera flashed. A photo shot out from the bottom of the camera and she quickly shook it, letting it breathe. “It’s a two-part gift.” Levitating some scissors from a kitchen drawer, she cut the picture into a triangle. She then opened the necklace, revealing it to be an empty locket. She shoved the picture inside, creating a perfect fit. “Tada!”

Discord stared at the inside of the locket. A confused draconequus and a smiling alicorn stared up at him from the trimmed photograph. “I-I can’t believe how thoughtful this is, Twilight.”

“I suppose it is. You did say it was a sign of our true friendship, and the last one did kind of turn into a key. I figured it would mean more if it came from me, instead.”

“Twilight, it’s perfect. Thank you.” He shook his head, holding back his tears. “Now I’m really worried about my gift,” he dejectedly laughed as he placed the necklace around his neck. “I hope it’s good enough.”

“I’m sure I’m going to love it,” she replied, smiling. He handed it off to her and she unwrapped it with a suspenseful delight. A book sat at the bottom of the gift, to which she levitated out and gave a little squeal. “The Superb Sorceress of Oys? You know I have like three of these, right?” she gleefully giggled. “Not that I mind another.” She took a moment to flip open a few pages, expecting that new book smell, but she then noticed that it was used.

Discord watched as her face became more and more confused as she flipped through page after page. She would look up at him every few moments before going back to the book. Her eyes began to tear up with every turn of the paper and every marking she came across.

“D-Discord? Is this really?”

“I hope you don’t mind me messing with time travel on this one occasion. It’s a bit chaotic to do, after all. I plucked it right before your library was destroyed, so hopefully nothing was changed. I’m sure the librarian won’t mind.” He chuckled. “There was really nothing I could think of that seemed adequate enough to be considered a thoughtful, meaningful, and outright perfect gift.” He tapped his cheek. “Was it good enough?”

She held the book to her chest as tears streamed down her cheeks. With a crooked smile on her face, she gave a nod. “You ar-are absolutely wo-wonderful, Discord.” Floating up, she grabbed onto his neck and pushed her face to his. She didn’t give him just one kiss on the lips, nor was it only two. In fact, it was so many Discord lost count after a while.

Tirek, however, did count as he watched from the doorway. Every muscle he had looked to be straining, keeping him from moving. “It seems like you lost this round,” a voice said. He didn’t turn to face her, knowing it was Chrysalis by her voice.

“I know,” he seethed.

“He might even win the whole bet,” she muttered. “You might be running out of time. Perhaps you should be thinking of your options should you lose.” His fists were kept clenched as he continued to watch the alicorn and draconequus. She leaned closer, and said, “Though if I had my way, you could have her.” His eyes drifted to her. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came. She eventually walked away, leaving him there to awkwardly stare and sulk.

Comments

[Razzy]

Go Chryssie go!

Wow, nice gift, Discord.

[Nerfyy]

7885916 uuuhm xDD you do realise that chrysie is actually manipulating many others with an evil plan, right?
means shes gonna be in a looooot of trouble when sh*t is going down xD

[Razzy]

7886438 Of course I do and I'm cheering at her. Whatever she does, it's awesome.

Plus, dunno about that, seeing as it's also kind of Sombra's fault - she saved his life, they slept together, he promised to help her, then all but told her to go fuck herself and started parading around with Rarity. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

[Nerfyy]

7886640 so you say its wrong of sombra to disagree with her evil plans because he wants to stay good?
of course he is breaking his promise to help her because he enjoys being reformed

[Razzy]

7887960 No, where did you even get that? Though, he IS breaking a promise to someone who literally saved him from oblivion. Are you saying that it's perfectly alright to do that?

The way he's doing it is wrong. He met up with her, acted incredibly cold towards her and all but told her to go fuck herself. After sleeping with her numerous times. When she clearly feels something for him. That doesn't really seem right,reformation or not .he didn't even try to persuade her, he must outright refused to have anything to do with her.

[Nerfyy]

7888001 ok ok xD lets just say the both of us have diffrent opinions on that :) and thats totally fine xD

[Razzy]

7888379 Never! We must settle whose opinion is better in ritual combat!

And yeah, alas, I cannot convert every single person to belief in the glory that is our beloved Queen Chryssie.

[DualKitsune]

7894030 In the fic, actually. I did like her, but these little details are showing her to be very petty and mean. Which is why it seems so odd. She suddenly started coming across as well...yeah.

[Nerfyy]

just noticed there was no Valentines day update xDD
would've expected it haha

anyways :D Whens the next update? im DYING for it :D

PS: HOLLY COW :O i just noticed that this fic isnt posted in ANY groups at all :O
im gonna change that now haha

[TheTimeSword]

7953057
The final three chapters will be coming soon. They'll be out all within a few days of each other, so when the next update does come be sure to check back frequently for the last two.

[Nerfyy]

7955441 yaaaaaaay
oh gosh im so hyped xD
and so scarred at the same time xD
cause im gonna be really sad when Team Discolight loses haha

[The REAL Mister Pkmn]

I hope Tirek doesn't side with Chryssie.