Relationships are Evil

by TheTimeSword

Chapter 25: Courting Civilized Centaurs

Trimmings of beard fell to the counter, a common piece of his everyday routine. It made him look years younger than he was, though dying it black would help as well. Rarity had suggested that after his startling question on how to look younger. He preferred the white. It made him look wiser. He wanted to appear wise to a certain alicorn – not that he wasn’t, he just wanted to appear it as well. Canterlot had told him much of Celestia’s prized pupil. He had trotted amongst the styled glass panes, viewing the past accomplishments of the unicorn turned alicorn. It wasn’t long ago that he was in the same hall, with a very different outlook on ponykind.

Now he stood facing a mirror, comb in one hand scissors in the other, staring at a centaur that he had grown accustomed to. His beard as white as snow like that of Star Swirl the Bearded. He had grown to know the name well. It was he who had swung his brother from the dark side, and it was he who Twilight Sparkle idolized. He barely remembered the unicorn from those old days, specifically through the interactions his brother had with him. The young wizard was a nuisance then, but now he proved far more useful by being a connection to Twilight.

Once he finished his grooming Tirek moved on to another part of his routine, visiting the library. He had become accustomed to waking in an archive, having borrowed Twilight’s old home within the castle district of Canterlot. There he had discovered many books of history that he had been out of the loop for. From Nightmare Moon to the creation of the Wonderbolts and even the founding of Ponyville. He had caught up on many events, but the main amount of books within the library were relating to Star Swirl himself. Twilight’s castle had a much larger library, almost making her study in Canterlot more of a hermit’s hovel.

No longer was he forced into sifting past the works of Star Swirl just to find something different. He could browse to his heart’s content and only hope to find a section relating to the bearded, old unicorn. Reading wasn’t an enjoyment he found as a young centaur, but he had missed the entertainment it brought while he sat in Tartarus. After grabbing an auburn, heavily read tome from a shelf, he sat himself down at an end of a table and propped it open. This was his routine. He would read a few chapters for about an hour, and if the book was enjoyable he would come back to it the next day.

Today he would not be coming back to this book. Principles of Magic, he thought. More like, Principles of Unicorn Magic. All he could ever do was absorb magic and fire a destructive beam of energy, learning about unicorn magic was a fruitless endeavor. Nevertheless, he was stubborn and committed to spending the morning hour reading, even if he couldn’t use it. Celestia had suggested learning some other magic while he stayed in Canterlot, but he had grown tired of the desire to obtain magic. That’s all he ever wanted, to gain magic, but he had gone about it the wrong way. Now was the time to focus on something other than magic.

The something other wouldn’t take long to figure out, as the door of the library creaked open and a purple headed alicorn trotted into the room. She walked in, levitating a mug and book, and noticed the lone centaur sitting at the opposite end of the room. “Good morning Tirek. You weren’t at breakfast.” She placed the book and mug down at the end of Tirek’s table. “I figured you’d still be sleeping after your long trip and the party yesterday.”

He grunted a short, low laugh and leaned forward against the table. “Sleeping? I may be old, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to waste away in bed.”

“Well, that’s good,” she replied as she sat down and opened up to the last page she had been reading. “What are you doing in here, anyway? Not that I mind, but it’s rare to see anyone other than Starlight in here.”

“Part of my routine is to read before I eat. Helps build an appetite. Though most days I would eat brunch with Celestia rather than breakfast, and so my appetite would be thrashing by then. A habit I’d like to keep, though I won’t be continuing this useless volume.”

She levitated the tome from in front of him and read the cover. A giggle left her grinning lips before she said, “You know this is for unicorn magic, right?”

“Yes, I gathered as much.”

“If you’d like I can point you in the direction of a few of my fictional favorites. The Superb Sorceress of Oys, perhaps? Maybe A Colt’s Will by Sherbet Snow? Though, his work gets a little dreary in his later novels. What genre do you like best?” The alicorn sent a profuse amount of questions at Tirek, barely catching her breath between the stops of sentences and the starts.

Raising his hand, he caught the attention of the mare, ceasing her torrent of queries. The sides of his mouth curled down into a frown, a natural position that he had held for years. “If you don’t mind, I’ll just continue to browse what you have. I’ve read enough of the classics already that I’ve grown sick of them. That and anything written by Star Swirl the Bearded.” The mention of the name perked Twilight’s ears, and he liked the sight of that. “You had so many in your bungalow at Canterlot that it was hard to find something newer.”

“You stayed in my observatory and you read books by Star Swirl the Bearded!?” she shouted, her voice echoing within the archive.

“Of course. I thought it better to stay away from the other ponies until they grew accustomed to the sight of me, and nothing was more out of the way than that tower. Celestia seemed to agree, so I stayed there during my visit.”

Twilight rose to her hooves and stood bipedal, leaning atop the table. Her face was so full of astonishment that her jaw had almost seemed to unhinge. “I’ve never known anyone that had such an interest in Star Swirl! Starlight wants nothing to do with him since she used his time traveling spell. We have to talk about him!” She scooted down the side of the table as quickly as she could, sitting beside the centaur. “Which of his works did you read?”

He lowered a hand down onto her hoof. “Well, perhaps we can talk more about this… on a date?”

Red blanketed her face as she realized what he was asking. She stared up at his suave, wrinkly grin and began spouting illegible words and stutters until finally answering, “O-Okkay.” As the word left her mouth an uncontrollable giggle followed. She slammed her hooves against her lips, recognizing how embarrassed she had become.

Tirek had never seen her so red. She was almost the same shade as his skin, and he found that very endearing. He patted her hoof and withdrew it, and then stood up from the floor. “I’ll come around later tonight. Till then, I bid you adieu.” Without a word from the alicorn, he trotted off to get breakfast.

As he drew down the steps, grinning wider than he had ever before, he noticed the light of the foyer door shine in and then darken once more. His grin halted and faded to his normal frown as he saw the draconequus carrying shovels, blankets, and sleeping bags. Fluttershy stood beside him, a knapsack on her back and sunhat atop her pink head. “Look what the cat dragged in,” he shouted as he trotted down into the foyer. “Are you finally going to bury yourself, Discord? I’d love to help.” He grinned.

“Oh please-” Discord dropped all the equipment on the ground “-you’ve spent far too long with nobles, I’m sure you’d scream like a filly at the sight of dirt.”

“Your insult are as profound as your company.” He rolled his eyes and then turned to the yellow pegasus. “Ah, Fluttershy.” He placed his hand out and took her hoof, giving it a small peck. “You look lovelier every time I see you. Being friends with Discord, you really should give him some of your beauty tips,” he quipped. She let out a giggle to the compliment, which caused Discord to sulk.

“Thank you, Tirek. Have you seen Twilight today? We’re going on an overnight camping trip, and Discord thought it would be fun if she tagged along.”

He nodded and replied, “She’s in the library, though I don’t think she’ll be keen on saying yes. She’ll be far more busy with me tonight, but you’re welcome to ask her all you like.” The surprise on Discord’s face was more rewarding than he had expected. “If you’ll excuse me,” he said with a grin, blatantly remaining locked to Discord’s eyes as he took his leave. He didn’t hear a peep from the draconequus, but could feel the rage even as he entered the kitchen.

Half an hour later he heard the stomping of someone very peeved coming down the steps. Tirek ignored it, still attempting to finish his late breakfast meal. His routine had gone awry after realizing there were no butlers or servants to cook and prepare as he had grown accustomed to. Burnt toast lay in the trash and egg yolk lay splattered along the counter still covered in the shell. Perhaps joining the rest for breakfast would be a better idea, he considered. The stomping eventually stormed into the kitchen with an angry draconequus leading the way.

“How’d you do it!? Did you use some sort of mind control or emotion manipulator!?” shouted Discord, slamming his hands on the table and rattling the kitchenware that sat upon it.

“What’s the matter Discord?” Tirek asked in an exaggeratedly sincere inflection. He laid the eating utensils aside and wiped his mouth. “You surely can’t be upset that Twilight Sparkle would prefer spending time with me rather than you.”

Discord’s eyes were a flame, quite literally, as he pulled his ears in frustration. “You’ve only been here one day! How is it you’ve already obtained a date!?” he said hotly.

With a grin, Tirek rose and dragged the kitchenware from the table to the sink. He thought carefully before answering, wanting to get the right quip in. After he rinsed the utensils and stopped the faucet, he turned and gave a glare to the draconequus. “She’d rather date someone far more interested in what she likes, rather than someone who assumes what she wants by her personality. Face it Discord, you are too safe for her.”

The words were too queer and unnerving for Discord’s liking. He had always prided himself on his clever manipulation and intellectual word jungles, but now it was being used against him. “Safe? I’m the craziest, most dangerous draconequus that ever lived! As if I’d ever be safe,” he growled and waved the words away.

“Really? Then what did you do for your date with her? Took her to dinner, maybe a normal walk around a park or something? Something fairly safe.”

Before Discord could explode, a sharp, soft-pitched yell commanded attention from behind him. He turned and saw the yellow pegasus standing with puffed up cheeks and a stare that stung. The anger flew out of him like wind passing through an open wound. He was glad it had been only her but knew the lecture would surely be worse for it. “Oh… Hello, Fluttershy. How… How long have you been… been standing there?” he spluttered out, clasping his hands together and blinking with an inflated bashfulness.

“Long enough.”

Tirek stepped around into her view and crossed around the table. As he began to make his way out of the kitchen, he stopped and turned to the pegasus. “Dear Fluttershy, please don’t be too perturbed with him. You know how he gets when I egg him on, and I simply cannot help myself.”

She stared up at him, his smile sincere and his beady, yellow eyes looked genuine. “Don’t put this on yourself, Tirek. It’s not your fault.” With a gentle smile and a pat on her shoulder, he trotted away, leaving her focus for Discord.

As quiet as he could, Discord had been trying to squeeze out of the scene as Tirek held her attention. It would have worked if he had been quicker, but that would have led to a sterner scolding later on. He expected her to come closer and begin speaking in the low, hushed, serious tone that she got whenever he was in the wrong. Instead, she stood in the doorway, eyebrows pushed forward and the sides of her mouth curled down. She said nothing, staring at him with silent anguish.

“Alright! I was wrong!” he shouted and collapsed on the floor in front of her. “I already know what you’re going to say. What if Twilight had seen how I acted, what if it had been her instead of you. Blah blah blah! It’s just not fair!” He groveled at her hooves, acting as if he was a filly or colt who had their toy taken away.

She glowered at him – still silent and looming, waiting for him to stop his foolish behavior. When he finally flopped over onto his knees and stared back at her, she gave a sigh. “Do you want to watch them have their date?” she asked, monotony.

Discord slammed his hands against her cheeks and pulled her into an embrace. “Fluttershy, you know how to read me like a book! We’ll spy on them and make sure nothing happens!”

“No Discord.” She pushed away and pointed at the draconequus. “We will watch them, and do nothing else. If something happens between them, we just have to let it.”

“But… What if… Y’know… They connect a little too much?” He nudged her side and gave a wink.

“You know I want you and Twilight to get together, but if you do anything, and I mean anything, to mess up their date, you will lose. I can guarantee it, as a mare and as a friend to Twilight. The only reason I’ll tag along is to keep you from doing anything that might ruin that.” She rubbed her forehead, giving a groan at her now ruined plans. “I suppose we’ll go camping another night. I’m never going to see how the burrowing owls nest at this rate…”

“Chin up Fluttershy! Tonight, we shall burrow ourselves as spy owls!”

She rolled her eyes. “There’s no such thing as spy owls.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

The night crept upon the quaint town with a joyful humidity, the last summer heat was drawing to a close and the nights would soon be cold. Starlight had been out and about throughout the day and was only just returning to the castle. The blue glow of the crystal brightened against the growing moon. She met the two suitors at the stairs, Twilight fancied up just as she had for Discord, Tirek remained unchanged except for a bowtie and some cuffs without sleeves. He also seemed to be holding a few varied items underneath his arms.

“Look at you two lovebirds,” Starlight teased as she entered. “You’re going out fairly late, aren’t you? Perhaps there is more than friendship going on here.”

Twilight couldn’t help but blush and attempt to shush the unicorn. “Starlight, please! I swear you’re worse than my mother. Next, you’ll be wanting a picture for your scrapbook.”

Starlight laughed and held the door for the two. “Now just make sure you don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

The door closed and the only light that guided the two’s path was that of the moon. Stars echoed out from the bright blue celestial being. The night sky was far more clear in the town of Ponyville than that of the bustling Canterlot. Tirek knew of Twilight’s love for astronomy and all things star related, there would be no better date than stargazing. He had thought of everything. A telescope to watch the stars, a few tomes and scrolls about Star Swirl the Bearded, and a silver tongue straight with tales of his time with Celestia – something she would love above all else.

Atop a hill they stopped and spread a white and red blanket, placing the telescope set up in a corner. The basket of tomes and scrolls were sat down and a lantern was dragged out, lit, and set in the middle. Tirek was large or the blanket was small, but either way made them both push more closely together to keep from the pointy grass blades that surrounded them. Neither seemed to mind the small sitting arrangements, too concerned with the topics of Star Swirl and what Tirek had read of the unicorn. The shriek of thrill rang out in the night as he reminded her that he had met the great wizard.

“It was only once or twice,” he had told her. “I had already begun to hate the way ponies treated us, and wanted nothing more to do with the seemingly random bearded pony.” As he spoke about the things Scorpan had said of the wizard, Twilight gave small nudges to his chest and taps to the forearm here and there. He noticed after a few of the pokes how touchy-feely she had become. When a lull came to the conversation, he slid his body against her and placed an arm around her shoulders. At the same time, he pulled a book from the basket.

The top of her muzzle reddened from the warmth of their now pressing sides, she hadn’t even noticed he started talking about one of the books. His fur felt coarse against hers, and she couldn’t help but lean in against his torso. An ear rested close to his chest and she could hear the thumping of his heart reverberating within his body. It was a peaceful moment until he asked a question that she had not paid attention to. Her head jolted up to match his stare, unsure of what to say as an answer and too awkward to ask him to repeat the question. She threw the dice, hoping for luck. “Uhhh, yes?”

“Oh, good. For a second there I thought I was boring you,” he replied and began yammering on about Star Swirl once more.

With the catastrophe averted, she gave a sigh of relief to the correct answer. She simply enjoyed leaning next to the centaur, relishing the company he provided. Being this close, lying next to him, it almost felt taboo for the alicorn. But she didn’t care – whether or not she would admit it is another story.

There was another that did care, however, and he was far less happy about the sight. A pair of glass lenses reflected in the moonlight as two eyes stared through them, glaring angrily at the centaur and alicorn atop the hill. A yellow pegasus sat next to him, bored and itchy from the hay of the roof they laid upon. He eventually handed the binoculars over to her, glowering and seething in anger.

“They’re so cute together,” she thought aloud.

“Cute!?” he shouted and whispered at the same time. “Whose side are you on?”

She felt the hay jabbing through the fur on her belly and squirmed against it. “If I have to sit up here for another hour, who knows?” she sarcastically, yet scornfully replied.

A groan left his lips as he snapped his fingers, another set of binoculars appearing in his eagle claw. He focused in on the two in the distance who had moved to crowd around the telescope. Twilight was busily gazing in through the eyepiece as Tirek pointed up at the sky, his other hand resting on her back. Discord grimaced at the sight, annoyed by the friendly display they had been showing each other. What really broke the final straw was when Tirek moved around her backend, standing behind her and lowering his head closer to hers, his torso narrowly avoiding the fur on her back.

The binoculars snapped in two at Discord’s rage, shattering the glass and plastic within his palms. Fluttershy watched on, unmoved by the draconequus’s fury. It wasn’t until he grasped at a pebble atop the roof that she finally intervened. “Discord! What did I tell you? Don’t get involved!” He ignored her, sending the small stone sailing across the open starry night and into the centaur’s rump.

Tirek almost yelped, startled by the sudden, sharp pain. He caught himself before he disturbed Twilight, but the sudden jolt of his body caused him to press his lower half into her. “Oh my, Tirek. Is something wrong?” she asked and peered her head back from the telescope.

He had placed both hands on his backside, rubbing it while also glaring out into the darkness. “No, no. It’s quite alright, just one of those nighttime pests. They always love to antagonize me,” he replied, hoping she wouldn’t catch on to his clever remark. He then moved around to her other side and away from her rump, learning his lesson quickly.

After the centaur had turned back to Twilight and the telescope, Fluttershy and Discord peered their heads back up over the tilt of the roof. With a brief sigh, Fluttershy said, “That was a close one.” She then jabbed the draconequus in the stomach, causing an oof. “You drove him on top of her and you almost got caught! What did I tell you? What were you thinking!?”

“I wasn’t thinking! I wouldn’t have done it if I knew that was going to happen!”

“That’s right, you weren’t thinking! Now, we’re leaving before your not-thinking forces them atop each other.” She wretched away from the roof and began flapping her wings to fly away. When Discord had not yet turned away from spying, she growled his name and then grabbed his ear.

“W-Wait! We c-caan’t leave no-nOW!” He struggled, but it was little use. They left the centaur and alicorn to their own, spy-free date.

Discord had gotten his wish even though he wasn’t around to know it. The sudden, random stinging in Tirek’s rump was a telltale that they were being watched, and he certainly didn’t like that. The pain was bad too. A short while later he packed up their things and they began making their way back to the castle. It had grown late, and the moon had already reached the centerfold of the sky. They could only hope Starlight had already gone to bed, as she would most certainly tease their late hour return.

They found their way to the castle, the light of the lantern guiding their path. “So, are you going to invite me in on our first date?” Tirek slyly jested.

“Tirek!” she half shrieked, half giggled. “I suppose I do have an obligation to let you in, though that makes it sound so wrong.”

The door clicked open and the two waltzed in. Tirek set the items down by the door and turned back to Twilight. “It’s a shame I’m no longer a villain. If I was, hearing you say immoral things would be far more appealing. I’d almost be tempted to take advantage of-” Before he could finish his sentence, Twilight had flown up and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him on the lips. He had not expected such an embrace but did not turn it away. He grasped onto her floating body and held her tight, not wanting to release the lock of their lips.

He caressed her face with the palm of his hand, and they finally broke apart, staring into each other’s eyes. A moment passed before she realized how impulsive she had been, her face turned beat red and her hovering faltered. “I-I-I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me!”

It had been a long time since he had been seized like that. He was almost awestruck, but he knew he wanted more; needed more. With a quick fall, he fell on both front knees and sent his scrawny arms at her, grasping her and pulling her close. Their chests bumped together and Twilight inched her head backward, unsure and unsteady of his actions. She didn’t mind a second later when their lips connected once more. The soft strength that held her, the sound of their heartbeats pressing against each other, the musky smell of sweat from the summer humidity. She enjoyed everything about him.

She finally forced apart their bodies, gasping for air. “Tirek!” she moaned much more seductively than she had meant. “First date, first date!”

With a hearty chuckle, he released his hands and gave a toothy smile. “Sorry, guess we both got a little carried away.” He rubbed his nape and raised up his front legs. “Though, a first date would certainly mean a second, right?”

“Yes, yes,” she replied, shooing the question away with a small tone of sarcasm. “Goodnight, Tirek.” Without waiting for a reply she leapt up the steps with a giddy bounce in her step. “And don’t get any ideas! I’m locking my door!” she echoed from the top of the steps.

He returned with a yell of his own. “What do you take me for, a villain?” The short, somber giggle he heard was reward enough for his joke. He stood alone in the foyer for a little while, contemplating and hoping for her to return and say "Unless you’d like to join me". She hadn’t, and wouldn’t, he knew that.

After a romantic situation like that, he knew he was going to have trouble sleeping. He waited for the coffee to come to a heat, staring down at the brew and licking his lips. Raspberries, he thought, catching a taste of what the purple lips had left on his. Once he had poured a mug, he hobbled tiredly up the stairs. They had been out far later than he had expected, but the end had been worth it.

The bedroom hall was dark, but he could see enough to his own room. He stepped to the right, towards his room, but kept his focus on Twilight’s door. A voice spoke up in the darkness, low and gravely. It had startled him enough that the coffee had spilled out droplets on one side. With a twist of his neck, he frowned and glared, glancing over to Chrysalis who stood against her bedroom door.

“A little late to be awake, isn’t it? Coffee too? I wonder what you’re planning on doing all night,” she teased and poked, bearing her sharp teeth in the darkness below her glowing green eyes.

Another door opened behind her down the hall, and out stepped the dark unicorn, Sombra. It had become a meeting of those who were newly reformed and soon to be reformed, though neither Tirek nor Sombra enjoyed it in that moment.

“Oh good, the gangs all here,” said the changeling. “I think it’s about time we all convene on how we’re going to take over this place.” She was blunt, or blatantly stupid. Neither of the stallions could believe her words.

“You do realize I’m reformed. How is it not in my best nature to report your words, right here right now?” Tirek replied. “I also just came from my date with Twilight Sparkle, so she is most certainly still awake.”

“Come now, even Discord has a want and desire to rule. We three could take these ponies, we’d just have to split them up. They trust us already, we’d just pit them against one another.”

Sombra snarled. “You’re a fool, Chrysalis. I’m not going to help you with your stupid plans. These ponies are far too powerful, powerful enough that Tirek and Discord have committed themselves to being their friends,” he spoke fast and low, not wanting to wake the others that slept in the hall. “Tirek could beat both of us in a fight, and these mares beat him. What could you even possibly hope to accomplish?”

Her green eyes tilted back with her head, focusing on the unicorn. “What if I did all the work? Split them apart, captured each of them, even preventing them from using the Elements of Harmony?” The grin she bore spoke more to Sombra than her words. Had she figured out a way to remove the Elements of Harmony? He had not seen them wearing the Elements the entire time he’d been here.

The centaur scoffed, waving a hand away in the darkness. “They don’t use those things. They have a power inside of them. I stole their magic and they still defeated me. If you plan to take over, you’ll have to figure out how to break that power.” He turned and opened his bedroom door. “If a time comes that you actually manage to do something that powerful, I won’t get in your way. Don’t bet on my help unless you can prove it. But I doubt that’ll ever happen.”

“Don’t worry, the time will come soon. But by all means, doubt away,” she replied as she scuttled back into her room, closing the door behind her.

“Think she’ll actually manage something?” Sombra asked.

“Her? I’d sooner bet you’d turn white and start growing wings.” The two snickered and went their separate ways. As the door closed behind Tirek, he stared into the darkness. After tonight, I’d surely side with Twilight and her little friends, right? He shook his head, ignoring the question and the doubts he had. He was reformed.

Comments

[Nerfyy]

nooooooooooooo
this is SOOOO NOT the direction i would have liked it to go DDD:
oh god now im really scared xD

#StillVotingForDiscolight

but seriously xDD i really really dislike the idea of Tirek and Twi getting together D:

[Razzy]

If anything, Chryssie's determined.

[WorldWalker128]

7877469
If she gets too much of that though, the insectoid monster might liquify.

[The REAL Mister Pkmn]

... Chyrsie, I am disappoint.