Also you should have Rarity say something in the beginning to make her presence felt. I think that Fluttershy would say something like "I'm sorry if I interrupted something" and Rarity would say to that "oh, not a problem at all darling".
"I guess you can be my foal sitter."
"can" should be "could".
You should have more slave/master dynamic in this. That was what made the story so special, the combination of slave and AB roleplay.
Maybe I could proof-read your chapters for you. What do you say?
7119357 Yeah sure I guess. pm me your e-mail or something. I usually wait a day or two after i wrote it before I don any proofreading so it sits dormant for a while anyway. Also I know that nothing much happened in the last chapter. Originally chapter 5 and 4 were one chapter that was supposed to serve as a day in the life sort of thing, but it got to be kind of long so I split it up. Also I've been reading a lot of comments on the popular stories on adisc and they seemed to like it when there was some kind of relationship driving the ab stuff instead of the other way around, and that's what I was trying to do with these two chapters, show that there is something there that isn't just Twilight and Fluttershy playing around. Admittedly it lead to what I consider to be a fairly dull chapter that I'm not incredibly proud of, but I'm hoping it'll help me improve my writing overall. It's done nothing to improve proofreading skills I can say that much.
7120623 You should make a much bigger deal out of Twilight having nighttime accidents. Twilight often overthinks things so she would be REALLY concerned about it.
7132662 that would seem a little odd to first have her be very casual towards it and then very upset. One thing you should do is make Fluttershy demand that Twilight remains diapered for the night.
7132732 Well the first time it happened there was a rational explanation available for it, that's why Fluttershy calmed her down so easily. If Fulttershy wasn't there she probably would have freaked out a lot more than she did. This second time I just haven't had a chance to show her freaking out yet.
7136065 It was resolved a little too easily. We all know that when Twilight panics it's very hard to get through to her. You really have to include that somehow. Maybe that Fluttershy somewhat calms Twilight but she remains very concerned about losing her continence for the rest of the day and remains fairly distracted because of it.
I am quite pleased with this chapter. Overall I feel like the pacing works here. I do like a slow chapter sometimes... I feel like it helps add time reading without adding a lot of text. I look forward to tomorrow!
it's Fluttershy
Also you should have Rarity say something in the beginning to make her presence felt. I think that Fluttershy would say something like "I'm sorry if I interrupted something" and Rarity would say to that "oh, not a problem at all darling".
"can" should be "could".
You should have more slave/master dynamic in this. That was what made the story so special, the combination of slave and AB roleplay.
Maybe I could proof-read your chapters for you. What do you say?
7119357 Yeah sure I guess. pm me your e-mail or something. I usually wait a day or two after i wrote it before I don any proofreading so it sits dormant for a while anyway. Also I know that nothing much happened in the last chapter. Originally chapter 5 and 4 were one chapter that was supposed to serve as a day in the life sort of thing, but it got to be kind of long so I split it up. Also I've been reading a lot of comments on the popular stories on adisc and they seemed to like it when there was some kind of relationship driving the ab stuff instead of the other way around, and that's what I was trying to do with these two chapters, show that there is something there that isn't just Twilight and Fluttershy playing around. Admittedly it lead to what I consider to be a fairly dull chapter that I'm not incredibly proud of, but I'm hoping it'll help me improve my writing overall. It's done nothing to improve proofreading skills I can say that much.
7120623
You should make a much bigger deal out of Twilight having nighttime accidents. Twilight often overthinks things so she would be REALLY concerned about it.
7131856 you'll get some of that in the next chapter.
7132662
that would seem a little odd to first have her be very casual towards it and then very upset.
One thing you should do is make Fluttershy demand that Twilight remains diapered for the night.
7132732 Well the first time it happened there was a rational explanation available for it, that's why Fluttershy calmed her down so easily. If Fulttershy wasn't there she probably would have freaked out a lot more than she did. This second time I just haven't had a chance to show her freaking out yet.
7136065
It was resolved a little too easily. We all know that when Twilight panics it's very hard to get through to her. You really have to include that somehow. Maybe that Fluttershy somewhat calms Twilight but she remains very concerned about losing her continence for the rest of the day and remains fairly distracted because of it.
7136129
Eh, with a friend to calm her down it seemed fine. Not everything has to be a major freak out.
I am quite pleased with this chapter. Overall I feel like the pacing works here. I do like a slow chapter sometimes... I feel like it helps add time reading without adding a lot of text. I look forward to tomorrow!