Discord's After-Mails

by Lise

4. Dear Madam / Sir

Silence and harmonious music. The music wasn't irritating, the silence was tremendously so. Three hours and Octavia had barely said five words. The problem lied in the fact that Discord could hear the disapproval in her silence — disapproval of his letter habit. He had tried to explain in length, to assure her that this wasn't new, to insist that as a creature of chaos and disharmony it was his nature to enjoy the labour of chaos. Octavia had merely smiled, pecked him gently on the cheek, and said she had to practice for an evening performance.

"What did I get myself into again," Discord sighed. "I should know better. I'm supposed to be the embodiment of chaos! Yet for some reason Octavia agrees with me!"

"Did you call me, Discord?" Octavia's voice came from the room above, along with a rather complicated cello melody.

"No, dear," the draconequus shouted back. "I was just complaining about you out loud."

"That's wonderful. I'll be done practicing in half an hour, so you won't have to suffer my mistakes for much longer."

Suffer her mistakes she says. Two hours and five measly mistakes! Just as bad as Fluttershy's singing! No misplays, no tempo problems… How could a chaos creature live through a performance such as this?! Of course, Discord wouldn't dream of asking either of them to stop. Listening to fine melodious music was one of his guilty pleasures, as much as he tried to deny it.

A series of urgent knocks sounded on the door, along with a muffled "Delivery".

"Another delivery?" Discord growled clawing on the table. "What is this? Mail central? Well, what the heck?" He got up and went to the door. It wasn't like he had anything else to do today.

"Okay," he rolled the door up, "let's have it."

A large, two by two meter wooden crate was expecting him, along with Rainbow Dash in a mailmare's uniform.

Great. My least favourite pony.

"What exactly is that?" Discord narrowed his eyes. "And why are you in that ridiculous outfit? LARPing is on Sundays, cosplay — every second Tuesday."

"Hey I'm just delivering this!" Rainbow Dash shouted right to his face. "Not my fault Derpy started working on wedding invitation designs for your wedding!"

"Derpy?" Discord blinked. "The annoyingly cheerful, cross-eyed mare that constantly causes a mess, often with disastrous circumstances? She is handling my wedding invitations?"

"Yep. Deliria went to see her about it."

"Finally a glimmer of chaos." Discord smiled. "This is going to be amusing!"

"Cool." Rainbow's expression softened. Glancing around she then hovered next to the draconequus. "So, do you have any more...?" She whispered conspiratorially.

"If you are talking about the letters," a business suit materialized over Discord, giving him the appearance of a respectable business owner, "I no longer partake in such disgusting habits. Plus, Octavia took the letters to her room."

Rainbow Dash's ears flopped down. The glum look on her face could rival the one during Tank’s first hibernation.

"However!" Discord reached into the inner pocket of his vest and took out a single ivory letter. "Care for a quick read!"

"Sneaky." Rainbow Dash grinned. “Let’s go!”

Dear Madam / Sir,

I am writing to you to express my utmost indignation regarding the despicable display you have subjected the town of Ponyville to! While aware of your chaotic nature by design, this is no excuse for you to ruin impressionable young minds! Having to suffer through your second and third reigns of chaos was quite enough! It shames me that her Majesty, our Sovereign of the Sun, Princess Celestia has, at some point in time, been your wife.

Face it! You, Madam / Sir, are a burden and a menace to society — a freeloader that disrupts the very foundations of Kingdom economics, as well as biology, physics, geography and every other science known to ponydom! If it were up to me, I would have you sent to boarding school for eternity! Alas, that decision is not mine to make yet, so I will limit my reactions to this letter.

Clearly, you have no idea what it means to strive for a meaningful career! Present day reality is difficult as it is without you having to revert ponies to their idiotic state and disrupt businesses. Even without your antics, I am forced to behave like an idiot and pretend I find their simplistic jokes amusing. Sending doll-raining clouds hasn't helped your case a bit, causing every colt and filly within the city to engage in urban warfare with the sole purpose of obtaining the cheap knockoffs you produced!

You claim to be a family mare / stallion, but from what I understand you have been an utter catastrophe in that regard! You yourself admit to being divorced twice, as well as leaving your daughters to fend for themselves in this cold harsh world! Furthermore, there is the question of your extramarital activities! I, for one, find it most peculiar that Pinkie Pie is so different from her sisters in every possible aspect. And let us not forget her ability to bend the laws of physics freely, quite like someone else we know. The only saving grace of your existence is that your daughters turned out to be such outstanding equines, despite your highly negative influence! Screwball, in particular, along with her vast knowledge on chaos principles has proved invaluable for creating better business modules capable of shaping the future. We have already spoken about me offering her a position in my family's company, since it's clear that neither you, nor her marriage partner are capable of any financial support.

At this point, I speculate that foals are likely to become a reality within the next ten months, at most. As you are probably not aware, that would involve a large amount of additional expenses and time dedication. From what I was able to ascertain, Screwball will be moving into Rainbow Dash's home. That it a wise choice, since it's large, well kept and perfectly suitable for a family, unlike the chaos pit you raised her in! Again, and I cannot stress this enough, I am truly ashamed that you are related to such an outstanding equine!

Fortunately, I have already discussed the matter of servants in the brief conversation I had with your daughter. We are both busy ponies, so I will be sending her a draft proposal detailing potential maids and child development programs for her to consider. I will be sending you the bill! If you are the responsible parent you claim to be, you should gladly jump at the opportunity to cover all and any costs at the earliest!

Additionally, I would like to offer my service as godmother to Screwball's foals, when the moment comes. Undoubtedly there will be a lot of competition, so I would like her to be made aware of my intent at the earliest, so that I have an edge over everypony else.

With that, I wish you a good day!

Respectfully,

Silver Spoon

"Silver Spoon?!" Discord shouted annoyed. "Why that wretched little snob! I'll show her! Just who does she think she is?! Calling me irresponsible! Why, next time I pass through Ponyville, I'll...!" Steam came out of his ears. "Can you believe this?" He turned to Rainbow Dash. "And she has the nerve to ask being a godmother! As if that would ever happen!"

Rainbow Dash didn't say a word. Instead, a slight shade of purple had appeared all over her face.

"Dash," Discord said slowly, the classical coldly-furious-father expression on his face. "Is there something I should be aware of?"

"Gee, look at the time." The Pegasus fluttered backwards guiltily, sweating like crazy. "I think Screws is calling me. See ya!" She dashed into the chaos sky, causing a sonic rainboom in the process.

"I take my eye off Screwball for one moment and this is what happens!" The draconequus complained to the large wooden crate next to him. "Have you ever had one of those days?"

A loud roar replied affirmatively.

Comments

[Skye Mist]

Gee, wonder what RD could be hiding...

[Lise]

6913362 :) It's a mystery :)

[Keradon]

6913384

Probably less of a mystery than the roar!

By the way, is there any... particular reason the Random tag hasn't graced this piece yet?

[No one is home]

Please let it be spike...

[ThisIsMyFateNow]

I gathered it might have be Silver Spoon or Diamond Tiara. These keep getting better and better!!

[Lise]

6913409 has it become that Random? :( Thought I kept within MLP show rules...

[Lise]

6913421 :) Hasn't Spike been through enough already? :)

[Lise]

6913432 :D

[FurryBrony]

6913432 Honestly, if it wasn't for the comment about Ponyville, I would have thought it was Blueblood. But my second thought, with the formality of the letter, was Spoiled Rich.

[NewKerbalEmpire]

Silver Spoon!?!

[Keradon]

6913462

It can be subjective. Personally, considering the existence of "Slice of Life", it's entirely feasible to have a story 'play by the rules' but also be extremely random.

[Suns_Shadow]

I thought it was mayor mare for a bit there

[Animak]

what's in the box?