5 Off to Ponyville
It was still cold outside over Cloudsdale, and the birds where chirping happily as they always do.
The birds were flying over Cloudsdale. And of course like it usually is for birds and cab drivers the air traffic was very busy.
As the day was a very cold, there were not many Pegasi civilians flying today. There were some out though and they were the weather ponies. Suddenly a cart came by fast as lighting! It was one of the Cab carts. There were two pegasi ponies flying the cab. Inside one cab there were two more pegasus Gallop Crush and Clover Cumulon. (See chapter four to see how Clover's last name is pounouced)
“Are we there yet mum?!” Gallop asked impatiently.
“Not yet Gallop, we've only been flying for 10 minutes.” Clover answered calmly.
“Oh” Gallop said with a sigh.
“Well I need to do something! But how can we do it when I can't get out of this cab yet?!” Gallop said in a demanding tone of voice.
“Well”. Clover said in a happy tone and then continued “We could play a game.”
“A game?!” Gallop said with excitement. “What game can we play up here?” She continues and then looked confused.
“I don't know Gallop, it was just a idea. An idea that suddenly backfired”. Clover said regretting her game suggestion.
“Oh”. Gallop said disappointed. “Well then, who are the Bolt family?” She said as she looked into her mum's eyes.
“Oh that! The Bolt family that.” Clover says thinking about what to say to Gallop. She knew that the Bolts family had a troubled history and they was part of her family. She'd thought of something and said: “I've heard something about Usain Bolt!” “Usain Bolt... Usain Bolt”.. Gallop ponders. The cab driver suddenly over hears the conversation and asks, “Isn't he that famous sprinter?!” Then Clover shushes him because she knew that she just lied to her daughter. Gallop then looks at her mum with confusion. She was trying keep her phone call secret from Gallop but her conscience wouldn't let her so she decided to the truth. but only about the phone call because she doesn't want to give too much away.
“Well”. Clover says “The Bolt's are part of my family. I think you know that already, by finding that family history book in your bed room?” She asks with wonder.
“Yes, I found the name in there.” Gallop answered. “But what happen to them?” She nervously asked.
“I dont know.” Clover said “That was what the phone call was about.”
“Come on mum, you can tell me.” Gallop said.
“I can't, well not at the moment. I need to find out some information first. But you will know when the time is right. I promise!” She said.
“Ok mum”. Gallop said.
She looked into her mums eyes and they looked sad. She doesn't like it when her mum looks sad Who can blame her? “It was dad all over again!” My good old dad!” She thought trying not to become sad herself.
This should be happy day and she was determined to be happy! “This is a holiday and nothing is going to make me look sad or down!” She thought with motivation.
Half an hour later, Gallop's mum gave her a sandwich. She ate the sandwich with a happy look on her face.
“How long is it to get to Ponyville?” Gallop asked.
“We have half an hour left”. Clover said.
“Oh great, I cant wait!” Gallop said with glee and excitement. Then with a calmer voice she said; “Do the drivers know where they are going? Because I can't see a GPS system.”
Her mum laughed. “Oh Gallop, you're so funny!” She said enjoying that question she thought was a joke. “They don't need it. They do this route all the time”.
“Oh!” Gallop said with a laugh.
Eventually they arrived in Ponyville. The cab drivers helped them unload their luggage while Gallop and Clover stepped out of the cab. The journey fare costed them 10 bits altogether.
They looked around, the town was busy because It was market day. There were a lot of ponies doing their Hearth's Warming shopping.
Then Suddenly, form out of nowhere a pink earth pony came running up to them and gave a prolonged gasp and then spoke really fast.
“Welcome to Ponyville! I'm so happy that you're here! You're going to have LOTS of fun and I love having fun and I know that you do too! Oh and you're going to meet some amazing ponies and I MEAN amazing! Well except that day I met a rude pony last week.” Kept up yet? Because there's more:
“I know!” She said. “A PARTY !” A nice welcome to Ponyville party! I'm so happy you're here! Wait didn't I say that?” Pinkie Pie asked “Oh yeah, I did!” She then realised.
Pinkie Pie then took out her megaphone, used her tail like a helicopter propellers and announced to all the ponies in Ponyville who were around Gallop and Clover; EVERYPONY I'D LIKE YOU ALL TO WELCOME THESE TWO NEW PONIES TO PONYVILLE GALLOP AND CLOVER!!” The ponies then stomped their hooves welcoming Gallop and Clover to their town. They were confused and baffled at first as most of us get when Pinkie talks really fast.
“Um hello Pinkie Pie. I have heard about you.” Clover said with a smile.
Gallop looked amazed. “How did you know her name?” She wondered.
“Hi. Can I help you with your luggage?” Pinkie asked.
Pinkie turned to Gallop “I know you'll get your cutie mark in no time and I bet that the readers of this story can't wait to see it too, I can feel it!” She said happily and determined.
“What? how did you know?!”Gallop said with Surprise.
“Just a hunch”. Pinkie answered.
“You two will be staying at Sugar Cube Corner and will be getting free dinners EVERY night for the next 2 whole weeks!” Pinkie said with a happy smile.
Gallop, Clover and Pinke Pie then set off to Sugar Cube Corner.
Gallop was so happy and couldn't wait to see what the day will bring.
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This is definitely not bad for a first story. The narration by Gallop Crush in the prologue is a nice idea for an introduction and the fourth wall jokes are funny, although I'm not sure yet if this type of humor fits to what you want to tell here.
The mentions of Internet and telephones are off, though. I know that your story is partially meant as comedy, but these technologies popping up in Equestria just out of nowhere is pushing it a bit and would at least require an alternate universe tag if you really want to go with that. But even then some set up for that would be good.
Some other things that I caught:
The prologue is told by Gallop Crush from the future, explaining how she got her cutie mark, but here you suddenly have her saying that she hasn't one yet.
This simple conclusion that she has to go to Ponyville to meet Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle needed quite long to come to her and I have some problems buying it that she isn't intelligent enough that she wouldn't reach this conclusion immediately, especially with how urgently she wants to have her cutie mark.
Why does she want to call their helpline number despite that she had planned to visit them in person already anyway?
This reaction by Luna is quite harsh for just being interrupted and doesn't really fit to her.
This line is presented without any context. Why does she have to be careful to not bump her head when getting out of bed just because she lifted a book out of the shelf?
This is a little plothole. How can she reach for this book so systematically if she doesn't know that she has it?
Which conversation? Gallop Crush wasn't called by her mother yet.
It's also odd that you mention the name of Gallop's mother before the reader knows it.
A little odd here too. Why did Gallop Crush's mother hurry her so much when she now waits an hour to let the cab come anyway?
It's still the same day here, so this line is redundant.
Gallop's mother suggests a game, but without knowing one. This is a conversation between them that doesn't really make sense and that doesn't add something to the story.
Earlier in the story, Clover mentioned that the trip between Cloudsdale and Ponyville takes one hour, but adding this up, it yields in 1 hour and 10 minutes.
You mixed up your own continuity here.
Should be "Gallop".
This would better be replaced with "Hearth's Warming Eve". Christmas does not exist in Equestria.
How does Pinkie Pie know their names already?
What I especially noticed in your story here is that you skip between Past Tense and Present Tense very often, which makes reading it confusing. You should take a look into this guide for advice on that and other things:
http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide
You can also find it in the bar at the top under "FAQ".
Other than that, your writing shows in many aspects that you are still new, but this is something that will improve over time. Just keep writing and practicing and write A LOT!
You have a lot of good ideas, you only need to work on your skills.
You have excellent taste in music.
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And there's another lesson to learn here, it can't hurt to have a thick skin on FIMFiction.net, cause "feedback" like that happens.
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Writing is its own profession that needs to be mastered first and so is giving constructive feedback.
Work on your basic skills and get them up to a good level.
alternate universe (I was told before it was not alternate universe, But it been added.)
The prologue is told by Gallop Crush from the future, explaining how she got her cutie mark, but here you suddenly have her saying that she hasn't one yet.
This is story Gallop Crush how she she got her cutie mark. She acting like Apple Bloom and she wants her cutie mark and she want some help. She think the cmcs is the only ones who can help her. THE Helpline Number is more trying to speed the process. EG calling the bank then place in a queue then going to the bank.
Re: Princess Luna then gave Gallop an angry look on her face. (This was added by my editor)
She may have to be careful not to bump her head when she gets out of bed. (This was added by my editor)
Gallop Crush knew about the book, but never thought she will have to read it.
Bill overheard the Bolt's? Bolt's? Bolt's family history
A little odd here too. Why did Gallop Crush's mother hurry her so much when she now waits an hour to let the cab come anyway? It make sure she was up in time.
Gallop's mother suggests a game. Well all she said We could play a game and was hopping that Gallop will come up with one.
“Oh!” Clover said with a laugh.
Should be "Gallop".
There were a lot of ponies doing their Christmas shopping.
This would better be replaced with "Hearth's Warming Eve". Christmas does not exist in Equestria.
(This will edited)
Well with Pinkie Pie you dont question her when she know things and as you she cal break the 4th wall.
7002004 Also “We have half an hour left”. Clover said meaning 30 mins
7002004 It says in in the story She got up and got a book from the bookshelf above her bed. She may have to be careful not to bump her head when she gets out of bed.
I love this chapter cus' Pinkie just break the 4th wall! (Again)
Like Fluttercheer said, it's not bad for a first story.
I do agree that Luna's reaction is out of place and way too harsh when she's come to soothe someone who is having a nightmare.
I also agree that all the mention of technology feels out of place. I mean, a couple of instances was just funny moment, but having it all over the place just doesn't make sense. Not to mention that this is Cloudsdale, where everything is a cloud. It just doesn't feel Equestria. Again, it makes me feel like the author just doesn't understand or can't imagine life without these technologies.
There are some mistakes that should be corrected. For example:
“Just a hunch”. Pinkie answered.
Should be:
“Just a hunch," Pinkie answered.
The thing with the book is also off. How can she have such an important book and not even know it's there in her room? If it were in a bookshelf in the living room, it'd be more understandable.
The mother suggestion is also off, just suggesting to play a game without having one in mind. This is the second mistake the mom makes (I don't remember the first one tho). I noticed that you said she expected Gallop to come up with a game but then this should have been made clear. Otherwise, it feels like she just made a dumb thing.
Lastly, it's totally in Pinkie's character to give a crazy welcome and throw a party for two unknown people. It's totally in character for her to know things she couldn't have known, like the names of two strangers. What feels really off is her offering free lodging and food for two weeks. Do the Cakes know this? Who is paying for all of this? What if more strangers visit Ponyville at the same time? A party for two people you don't know is one thing. Having them stay in somebody else's house is another thing. Perhaps it's because this doesn't involve just Pinkie, but the Cakes, but it feels kinda off.
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Technology should not be out of place as it got Alternate Universe tag.
The book will be explained later.
Pinkie Pie breaks the 4 wall and also I always thought as Sugarcube corner is use a inn/Guest house.