Gallop Crush is a Pegasus and does not have her Cutie Mark. She plans to met the Cutie Mark Crusaders for help.
Can the Cutie Mark Crusaders help her or will it all fall.
Find out in The unknown Cutie Mark
Story done by: Mark Hyder
Editor done by: Thomas Mettham
Tons of grammar mistakes (missing punctuation, failure to pluralize, etc.) a very limited vocabulary, and the sentence structure is extremely simplistic. It reads like a young children's story book. Work on your basic skills and get them up to a good level.
Well, I for one am very interested to see how this story goes. Commence tracking.
6844284 I do have an editor now.
6844853 New Chapter is now in the works.
This is definitely not bad for a first story. The narration by Gallop Crush in the prologue is a nice idea for an introduction and the fourth wall jokes are funny, although I'm not sure yet if this type of humor fits to what you want to tell here.
The mentions of Internet and telephones are off, though. I know that your story is partially meant as comedy, but these technologies popping up in Equestria just out of nowhere is pushing it a bit and would at least require an alternate universe tag if you really want to go with that. But even then some set up for that would be good.
Some other things that I caught:
The prologue is told by Gallop Crush from the future, explaining how she got her cutie mark, but here you suddenly have her saying that she hasn't one yet.
This simple conclusion that she has to go to Ponyville to meet Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle needed quite long to come to her and I have some problems buying it that she isn't intelligent enough that she wouldn't reach this conclusion immediately, especially with how urgently she wants to have her cutie mark.
Why does she want to call their helpline number despite that she had planned to visit them in person already anyway?
This reaction by Luna is quite harsh for just being interrupted and doesn't really fit to her.
This line is presented without any context. Why does she have to be careful to not bump her head when getting out of bed just because she lifted a book out of the shelf?
This is a little plothole. How can she reach for this book so systematically if she doesn't know that she has it?
Which conversation? Gallop Crush wasn't called by her mother yet.
It's also odd that you mention the name of Gallop's mother before the reader knows it.
A little odd here too. Why did Gallop Crush's mother hurry her so much when she now waits an hour to let the cab come anyway?
It's still the same day here, so this line is redundant.
Gallop's mother suggests a game, but without knowing one. This is a conversation between them that doesn't really make sense and that doesn't add something to the story.
Earlier in the story, Clover mentioned that the trip between Cloudsdale and Ponyville takes one hour, but adding this up, it yields in 1 hour and 10 minutes.
You mixed up your own continuity here.
Should be "Gallop".
This would better be replaced with "Hearth's Warming Eve". Christmas does not exist in Equestria.
How does Pinkie Pie know their names already?
What I especially noticed in your story here is that you skip between Past Tense and Present Tense very often, which makes reading it confusing. You should take a look into this guide for advice on that and other things:
http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide
You can also find it in the bar at the top under "FAQ".
Other than that, your writing shows in many aspects that you are still new, but this is something that will improve over time. Just keep writing and practicing and write A LOT!
You have a lot of good ideas, you only need to work on your skills.
You have excellent taste in music.
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And there's another lesson to learn here, it can't hurt to have a thick skin on FIMFiction.net, cause "feedback" like that happens.
6844284
Writing is its own profession that needs to be mastered first and so is giving constructive feedback.
Work on your basic skills and get them up to a good level.
alternate universe (I was told before it was not alternate universe, But it been added.)
The prologue is told by Gallop Crush from the future, explaining how she got her cutie mark, but here you suddenly have her saying that she hasn't one yet.
This is story Gallop Crush how she she got her cutie mark. She acting like Apple Bloom and she wants her cutie mark and she want some help. She think the cmcs is the only ones who can help her. THE Helpline Number is more trying to speed the process. EG calling the bank then place in a queue then going to the bank.
Re: Princess Luna then gave Gallop an angry look on her face. (This was added by my editor)
She may have to be careful not to bump her head when she gets out of bed. (This was added by my editor)
Gallop Crush knew about the book, but never thought she will have to read it.
Bill overheard the Bolt's? Bolt's? Bolt's family history
A little odd here too. Why did Gallop Crush's mother hurry her so much when she now waits an hour to let the cab come anyway? It make sure she was up in time.
Gallop's mother suggests a game. Well all she said We could play a game and was hopping that Gallop will come up with one.
“Oh!” Clover said with a laugh.
Should be "Gallop".
There were a lot of ponies doing their Christmas shopping.
This would better be replaced with "Hearth's Warming Eve". Christmas does not exist in Equestria.
(This will edited)
Well with Pinkie Pie you dont question her when she know things and as you she cal break the 4th wall.
7002004 Also “We have half an hour left”. Clover said meaning 30 mins
7002004 It says in in the story She got up and got a book from the bookshelf above her bed. She may have to be careful not to bump her head when she gets out of bed.
I love this chapter cus' Pinkie just break the 4th wall! (Again)
To be continued...
To me Gallop Crush sounds like a male name. Was this intentional?
7378469 Well I did a online test to find out what pony name I was, When I got my results back it say:
Gallop Crush
You are a Pegasus who flies like crazy throughout her homework. You are amazing at school and little ponies like you. Your body is Gray and your hair is red. Your cutie mark is a medal since you win at many things. Just don't boast!tie mark is a medal since you win at many things. Just don't boast!
There's no mention that Gallop Crush was Male or Female. When I search Gallop Crush on Google, there was only 1 existing Gallop Crush pony pictures I could find.
t13.deviantart.net/xXp2q-UHgj6_S4CrRnDt6BIeffM=/300x200/filters:fixed_height(100,100):origin()/pre12/f02e/th/pre/f/2015/305/1/1/gallop_crush_my_little_pony_oc_by_gallop_crush-d9f4b96.png
In my eyes it could be Male or Female.
Hi hyderpony? Is voice acting for Twilight still available? I sent you an email with my voice! :)
7527414 I need the link to the video.
7528009 I sent the voice video in the email and it's on my YouTube Channel but I'll send it tomorrow or so.
I suspect you are very young, like maybe junior high? So i dont want to be harsh.
The story is obviously a self-insert, which is not bad but you may want to know this.
The main isssue is that the problem of the character doesnt justify the reactions of the character. For example, the mother seems to be a nice pony, so there is no reason for the protagonist to be shaking and cryong. The request wasnt unreasonable either. Other than some minir issues its a decent first chapter. Lets ser what happens. Also, i hace typos because im on my cellphone
This chapter was much better than the previous one. The emotions and reactions were so much more logical. In the first one, the character pretty much broke down for no good reason.
I like the tone of 4th-wall breaking, but if that's how it's going to be, it has to be around in the next chapters or it'll stand out.
I liked the hotline and the google version of ponies. I thought that was very original. At the same time, it makes me thing the writer is too young and just can't imagine life without modern technology.
It needs a bit of editing, specially in punctuation.
For example:
"What if I never get my Cutie Mark?" Gallop said with tears in her eyes."
That shouldn't have quote marks at the end because "eyes" is not a word Gallop said.
There are other instances like this that should be corrected.
Another thing that surprised me is that Gallop is a girl! All during the first chapter I kept thinking it was a boy. That should be clarified in the first chapter.
Anyway, I look forward to the next chapters.
Like Fluttercheer said, it's not bad for a first story.
I do agree that Luna's reaction is out of place and way too harsh when she's come to soothe someone who is having a nightmare.
I also agree that all the mention of technology feels out of place. I mean, a couple of instances was just funny moment, but having it all over the place just doesn't make sense. Not to mention that this is Cloudsdale, where everything is a cloud. It just doesn't feel Equestria. Again, it makes me feel like the author just doesn't understand or can't imagine life without these technologies.
There are some mistakes that should be corrected. For example:
“Just a hunch”. Pinkie answered.
Should be:
“Just a hunch," Pinkie answered.
The thing with the book is also off. How can she have such an important book and not even know it's there in her room? If it were in a bookshelf in the living room, it'd be more understandable.
The mother suggestion is also off, just suggesting to play a game without having one in mind. This is the second mistake the mom makes (I don't remember the first one tho). I noticed that you said she expected Gallop to come up with a game but then this should have been made clear. Otherwise, it feels like she just made a dumb thing.
Lastly, it's totally in Pinkie's character to give a crazy welcome and throw a party for two unknown people. It's totally in character for her to know things she couldn't have known, like the names of two strangers. What feels really off is her offering free lodging and food for two weeks. Do the Cakes know this? Who is paying for all of this? What if more strangers visit Ponyville at the same time? A party for two people you don't know is one thing. Having them stay in somebody else's house is another thing. Perhaps it's because this doesn't involve just Pinkie, but the Cakes, but it feels kinda off.
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I am not young, I am 34 years old.
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You can tell that Gallop is a filly from the banner pic.
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Technology should not be out of place as it got Alternate Universe tag.
The book will be explained later.
Pinkie Pie breaks the 4 wall and also I always thought as Sugarcube corner is use a inn/Guest house.
8224457
I agree with the previous critiques.
" Technology should not be out of place as it got Alternate Universe tag."
The thing is you shouldn't rely on the tag alone to set up peoples expectations. If you're going to have more technology than what people with the show are familiar with seeing then it needs to be explained. It needs to be part of your story's logic and you simply don't have enough context for it to fit. This means that having a bunch of unexplained tech detracts from reader immersion. It reminds them they're reading a story taking place in someone's fanfic instead of them feeling these are the characters they know and love just in a different setting.
"The book will be explained later."
"‘Chekhov’s Gun’ is a concept that describes how every element of a story should contribute to the whole. It comes from Anton Chekhov’s famous book writing advice: ‘If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. Otherwise don’t put it there.’
In other words, everything that is introduced in a story needs to have a function. "
" The lesson behind Chekhov’s Gun is that your story should be cohesive. Each part should contribute to the whole in a way that makes sense. It does not mean that every single plot point of your story must be hugely significant. Some story elements function to create mood or describe setting. Yet each part of your story should correspond to the whole in at least a tangential way. "
http://www.nownovel.com/blog/use-chekhovs-gun/
"Pinkie Pie breaks the 4 wall and also I always thought as Sugarcube corner is use a inn/Guest house. "
Again this is something that needs to be explained. Otherwise all it does is create confusion. Nobody else reading this knows your internal dialog. They don't know it's an inn. It's never been presented as such in the show. It's a bake shop owned by the Cakes not by Pinkie which means it's out of character for her to invite somepony to stay at their house without at least asking them first.