Twilight Sparkle woke up with her face stuck to a piece of paper. She blew a hair of pink out of her face. She grumbled when she remembered what happened last night. Her best friend Starsong attacked her with her hair streaker and put two streaks in Twilight's hair. One indigo and one hot pink. Ever since they were little, Twilight, Starsong, and their assistances, Spike and Melody, have been friends, which is strange, because they were three of the four speices: Twilight is a sorceress, Starsong is an Angel, and Spike and Melody are dragon-blooded.
They all went to Canterlot High, even though Twilight and Star are seniors and Spike and Melody are freshmen. Twilight looked over at her roommate/best friend and sighed. Starsong was an up and coming Pop-star and Twilight was a gothic book-worm. Starsong was probably up all night at a party. Twilight woke everyone up by dropping her heavy history book on her desk. Spike was the first to wake up. His spikey green hair stood up on end with the same clothes he was wearing yesterday. He quickly changed into a clean white and green striped polo with purple jeans and a light green belt hung at his waist. Melody quickly woke up after him and brushed her long light blue hair quickly, and then brushed her teeth. She then changed into a clean light blue and lavender frilled shirt and white jeans. Starsong woke up last with her wild black hair with the hot pink streak standing up, the dark purple one was in her face, and the electric blue one was under her nose like a mustace. She glared at Twilight quickly and then went to get dressed. When she came out, she was wearing the outfit that branded her as a pop-star. A one shoulder dark purple striped shirt with black jeans and her signature neon pink sneakers. Melody and Spike just put on white sneakers, one with green laces, and one with blue laces. Spike and Melody have been dating ever since fifth grade. It was strange at first, but Twilight and Star got used to it over the years.
Twilight went to get dressed in her gray puffy-sleeved button-up with a light purple sweater vest over it. She reached for her sweat pants when she heard a "Nu uh! No Twi." from behind her. Star was leaning up against the door frame and had a disapproving look on her face. Her hot pink eyes sparkled when she lifted up a shopping bag. Twilight groaned. Star has always been the persona of fashion for Twilight. Everytime she went to the Canterlot Mall, she always draged Twilight along.
Star pulled out a dark purple skirt and black leggings. She threw them at Twilight and ran to get her backpack. Twilight just sighed and grabed the skirt and leggings and put them on. She met Star at the door. She slipped on her black ballet flats that Star bought for her and called for Meody and Spike. Star told her that Melody and Spike were already on their way to first period. Star grabbed Twilight's hand and started running. "Twi! Wake us up when you wake up!" Star said out of breath. "I woke up late! I was up all night working on the history homework we had. Or did you forget?" Twilight said slightly annoyed. Star blushed. "You forgot didn't you? Princess Celestia won't be leniant this time Star." Twilight said, more annoyed that her best friend forgot her homework, again. They stopped at their homeroom. "Well...it's not...my fault...!" said Star, out of breath from the three block run.
Star opened the door to a very unhappy looking Celestia. "Sorry we're late Princess. Starsong overslept again and wouldn't hurry." Twilight said appolgeticaly. The princess was wearing a white flowy dress, with her multi-colored hair flowing out behind her. "That's not why I'm upset." said Celestia in a slightly annoyed tone. "I'm upset because I have heard that you two are each other's only friends. Now I am happy you do have a friend but you need more then one. And that means more then just one friend, Twilight." she said. "We do have other friends! Melody and Spike are our friends, right?" asked Star. Twilight started chewing on a piece of hair. Celestia just sighed and said, "I really wish you'd make friends. So, as punishment, you four are being sent to Ponyville's School for Teens & Tweens. I will support transportation and tell my sister you are coming."
Star started blubbering. "Four? Punishment? WHAT DID WE DO?!" she said in a rush. Twilight just rolled her eyes and smacked Star on the back of her head. She asked Celestia, "Wait? Four? Who else is coming with us?" Celestia pointed towards the freshmen building. Star sighed with relife. "Okay, so Spike and Mel are coming with us? That takes a little pressure off!" she said. Celestia gave them enough money to buy suitcases and gave them the rest of the day off. Twilight bought a mediam dark purple suitcase with a pink stripe. Star bought a large hot pink suitcase with three colored stripes, one black, one purple, and one electric blue.
When they got back to the dorm, Spike and Melody were curled up on the couch watching 'The Simpsons Movie'. "Come on you two love-birds, we have to get packing!" Star said, chokeing on 'packing'. "Uhm, why?" asked Melody, her hair pulled up in a pony-tail. Spike snored. "Uhhhh... when did Spike fall asleep?" Twilight asked while folding a shirt. "Ummmm, about.... three hours ago?" said Melody, poking Spike in the side, which immediatly woke him up. "...With a baseball bat!" Spike yelled as he sat up. All the girls started giggleing. Spike threw a throw pillow at his girlfriend and that made everyone laugh even harder. Melody and Spike helped pack. Melody had her own bag to pack her clothes in. Spike packed up his huge duffle bag and Melody packed up her huge gym bag. "Uhhmm... where are we going anyways?" asked Spike, still half asleep. "Princess Celestia told us that we are supposed to go to this school called Ponyville's School for Teens & Tweens." answered Star, as she folded up her comforter. After everyone packed up their things, they all went to bed in pajamas.
The next day, Celestia sent a limo to pick up the foursome. They all chilled in the limo when all of a sudden....
*Author's Note: CLIFF HANGER! Sorry everyone, but until I get another idea, that is where we are leaveing off. BYEZ! And also, I fixed what everyone was complaining about. It is no longer, a wall of text. Wish me Luck! -Flutter*
It seems very well written, but it would be best not to leave it as a big wall of text because, as the reader, it feels like there's no breaks, no beginnings, no ends, etc. It's an eye sore for readers and they tend to skip over it. Touch it up and separate paragraphs and you'll be good to go!
without even reading this, I think of "Three of me"
Jesus christ Wall of TEXT!
Okay...
Before writing a story I think you need a proofreader.
And also maybe some grammatical checking
Most importantly, make paragraphs
"Twilight Sparkle is an anti-social Goth..."
Anti-social I can agree to, Goth, I cannot. It doesn't really fit with Twi's character, I will check this out, though.
This might take a while to read comprehensively. But the premise is promising.
I can tell this is going to get a lot of hate for being wall of text-y. how do i know this for sure? because first off, half the comments say so,. second, out of 3 views it has 1 dislike and finally? i know it from lots of experience. therefore, I shall read this and if I like it I will offer to be your proofreader
alright. you. get skype. tell me about it. i will add you. then i will proofread the shit outa this. if not then I'm going to have to make my own humanized high school story... and yeah, this isn't just wall of text. it is literally a wall of text...most people at least paragraph scene changes if they wall of text...
It's a good story. I think you spent too much time describing the clothes. The characters seem in character. I'm still slightly butthurt about the CMC in the other fic, though.
(The one with Luna's OC daughter.)
Goth ? Ummmmm...... might wanna fix that...
Oh my, that's a rather large block of text...
That, and I wouldn't really consider Twilight herself to be 'goth'. Anti-social? Of course, but far from goth.
*looks at the comments*
a wall of text?
*looks at the story*
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Thanks for hurting my feelings! It took me a whole month to do prewriting and have my mom check it! Bla! If you are going to comment, POSITIVE. I don't need to spell it out for ya. Just... keep down the negitive comments okay?
Okay, I have been getting alot of complaints about Twi's Goth character. I'm sorry, but that is how she is put in another humanised pony book I'm reading! And to all you haters... screw it. and also, its better to listen to this wile reading my second chapter I'm writing:Carly Rey Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
730863 Honestly, I don't see any purely negative comments directed at you here.
I'll give you some constructive criticism, though.
- Make a new paragraph for every change in perspective, or at least every time a new character speaks.
- There are many more descriptive terms for saying something than "'...,' said X" and "'...,' X said". A bit of variation here would improve the overall feel of the writing.
- The pacing seems rushed. You also seem to focus way too much on visuals. Write more about the other senses, and try to flesh events out a bit.
- Show, not tell. Don't write in plain text what can be easily implied. Your readers aren't idiots, we can figure things out without you having to point them out.
- Get a proofreader, one who really knows what they're doing, and has a really good grasp of grammar, spelling and formatting. If you can't do that yourself, find someone who does it really well.
- That's not a cliffhanger. That is a desperate (and failing) attempt at making the reader want more. A cliffhanger should make the reader think, "what happens next?". This just made me think "the author is trying too hard".
If you redo the chapter with those points in mind, especially the issue of being rushed, the results will be much better. Hope this helped
731768 uhhhhhh.... dude, I'M TWELVE! I have NO idea what the hay you are talking about. and I got an A+ on this from my english teach! God! bing.com/images/search?q=pinkie+pie+with+a+gun&view=detail&id=CDA7D05559C39C01038CFD9CD0420077993C1E87&first=0&FORM=IDFRIR
Well...this is awkward....I sorta forgot my password to the lunasgirl21 account so I sorta kinda had to make a new one. And Celestia damn reading this now (I'm 15 and I was 12 when I made this) I'm cringing at how bad this is. *sigh* I'm sorry I put you guys through this... -Mercury (formally known as Flitter)