• Published 21st Jul 2012
  • 5,995 Views, 151 Comments

The Magic of the BLU Sandvich with RED Bonk! - PonyManne215



Members of BLU and RED go to Equestria. Look at all the blood, the guns. Just look at all the hats!

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And Worst of All, He Can Beat Everyone of Us

Berry Punch wiped off a bead of sweat that had formed on her forehead, a result of her hard labor on the repair of her home’s front. So far, wooden planks and other makeshift pieces had served their purpose, to protect the front of the home from unwanted attention. She turned to face her new human occupant, who had yet to wake up from his drunken stupor. He was sprawled across the floor, drool coming out of his mouth.

Berry Punch decided to try to move him somewhere else, preferably the guest bedroom. She moved up to his side and nudged him, receiving no motion in return. Demoman was much heavier than he appeared. She tried again, this time using her head to push. Again, the Scottish Cyclops stood still. She sighed and kicked him in his side, causing him to suddenly wake and say, “Oh me mother!” After his cryptic message, he went back to his slumber.

“Huh?” Berry Punch tilted her head, trying to make sense of what he had just said. But nothing clicked, he just randomly sat up and screamed something about his mom. She was about to wake him the old fashioned way, a good old cold bucket of water when something caught her attention. It was a wooden thing, but it also had metal cylinders and a barrel. She eyed it, intrigued with the device’s purpose.

The mare looked down the receiving end of the contraption, staring down the black hole of the barrel. She moved even closer, her one eye almost touching the metal of the thing. Just a little more....

“KABOOM!”

Berry Punch jumped back in fright as the thing shot out a red pill looking container that travelled towards her front door. And that was when her entire effort of the passed hour or so went to waste, as the explosive collided with the wood, destroying the entire front section for a second time.

Berry turned towards the source of the speaker, meeting a grinning Demoman who gave her a weird gesture consisting of one of the fingers on his hand pointing up. “You were all over that like shingles, lass!”

“What just happened?!” Berry Punch asked, pulling at her mane from the costs it would take to get more boarding materials.

“Ye just shot a case from me Loch-N-Load. Good job for a first time, you turned that wall into glue!” Demoman congratulated.

“Demoman...”

“Yes, me fellow drinker in arms?

“WHAT. THE. BUUUUC-”


“And welcome to my house!”

“........”

“What, don’t you like it, Sniper?”

“.....................I got nothing to say to this except,” Sniper took off multiple pairs of shades on his face, finally saying his comment after removing all eyewear. “Bloody hell.”

Ditzy Doo’s entire home covered in muffin-related memorabilia. It was fear-inducing to say the least. The furniture themselves resembled that of muffins, the home was chock full of muffin paintings, drawings, and what do you know, muffins. Ditzy plopped herself on her couch as she waved the Australian over. As he moved over, he could swear he saw a muffin move on its own.

He sat on a beanbag muffin as it shifted under his weight. “So this is the old place, eh? I’m not a knocker but ya sure got a lotta muffins here. Probably some in this bag as well.”

“Yep!” Ditzy replied, moving a cushion and revealing several prepackaged muffins. She ate them all but one, which she had taken a big bite out of and had only a small portion left. As she was about to finish it, she realized she had a guest. She giggled nervous and handed the muffin remnant to the Sniper. “Want some?”

“No worries, my oldies always taught me to never take from young girls.”

“Young? I’m a mare!” Ditzy frowned at the hunter, making him feel a bit guilty.

“Oi, sorry postie, I didn’t mean it like that. I just.....bloody hell! Is that what I think it is?!” Sniper jumped out of his seat and took off his glasses, his mouth hanging open.

Ditzy turned to meet his gaze, saying, “Oh,” upon seeing what he was looking at. “That was an old model I got at the annual Muffin-con last year. Want it?”

Sniper looked at Ditzy and got on his knees. “That is,” His eyes started to water as he held her hooves in his hands. “The nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me, Sheila. Here, take this.” Sniper pulled something out of his backpack, placing it upon the cross-eyed pony’s head. “It’s my Shooter’s sola topi. I ain’t used it for years, you can have it as a gift from me. It looks good on ya.”

“Thanks!” Ditzy flew over to her mirror as Sniper went over to the oversized muffin helmet and plopped it on his cranium. She eyed the helmet, taking a liking to the fact that it supported her role as a mailmare. After examining a few more times, she turned back to Sniper and smiled wholeheartedly.

Sniper kicked at the ground trying to look away. “Could ya stop looking at me, your big head and eyes are making me uncomfortable.”

“Oh, that reminds me! Could you help me with something?”

“Sure.” Sniper followed the Pegasus into her kitchen as she brought out a giant piece of eatery.

“I need you to cut this,” She pointed at the grub.

“Alright, let me put on the right cap for this.” Sniper reached back into his bag, storing his new prize and pulling out his Trophy Belt, which still had those crocodile teeth lining its border.

“What are those?” Ditzy asked, touching the teeth and jumping back when it jabbed into her.

“It’s my hat that I wore while I fought this crocodile barehanded. It takes a real Australian to hunt the dangerous game. I remember it like it was yesterday...”

Somewhere in Australia

“Hey kids, blokes, and you wankers watching me on this show. This is...what show is this again?” A hunter asked, a Kukri and a jar of Jarate on his belt.

“It’s Animal Hunters Extreme 69, sir.” The cameraman responded.

“Whatever, this is the Australian wilderness. You gotta watch yourself in these parts, it’s dangerous. Brave men and women get lost and die in here all of the time. But there’s something even more important than that, there are teeth here that you can use for hats. Now, in my life as an Australian, you have to know how to pick your fights. Now follow me and I’ll show you what I mean.”

The two men walked along a river, cautious of any unwanted attention from the dangerous animals of the environment. Finally, they reached their destination as a pack of crocodiles sat lazily on the shore. “Alright,” The hunter turned back towards the camera. “In Australia, our greatest hero, Saxton Hale always said, ‘Take on things with nothing but your body. True Australians can do anything! BRAVE JUMP!’ I still remember my first time seeing him, he jumped through the rooftop and ended up on the moon. But still, that’s how you really hunt anything. Watch me,” The hunter charged towards the crocodiles.

Any people of another country’s nation would turn tail and run, but Australians were the very definition of men, of testosterone, of bravery. Hell, even the women and children of Australia grew mustaches. People also had the urge to rip off their shirts, growing chest hair in the shape of Australia. And this was all due to Australium, a mysterious material that could not only be used for items but for people as well, enhancing manliness and intelligence.

And so, the hunter beat the living hell out of the pack of reptilian creatures, yanking out the teeth of their alpha male and attaching them to a string which he tied around his hat. “And that’s how you hunt.”


“Pretty good story, eh Sheila?” Sniper loved his days as a hunter, not as much as popping heads but it was still enjoyable nonetheless.

“So you became a dentist for crocodiles?”

“Yeah, that’s about right.” Sniper answered, taking out his Bushwacka and glaring at Ditzy. “You know, I haven’t seen such a big head without cutting or shooting it in a while. I might just give up on this chastity...” Sniper raised his blade and jabbed into the tissue as red liquid splashed in different directions.

Ditzy had no time to react, only able to utter a single yelp as the Australian did not relent upon his damage. After a few more seconds and when it was deadly silent, Sniper wiped off some of the crimson red substance from his mouth and eyed his work.

“I haven’t been able to cut like that since Payload.” He took a finger and dipped it in the fluid, bringing it to his nose and sniffing. His primal instincts kicked in as he licked it and lapped it up like a dog. He shuddered, then grinned madly. “That was good.”

“I know! Jelly filled muffins are the best! Especially since these just got out of the oven.” Ditzy squeed.

“I gotta hand it to ya, girlie, I thought you were kidding.” Sniper took a proportionately cut piece of the jumbo muffin. “But this ain’t half bad. It’s Aces!”

“What can I say? Muffins are my thing.” Ditzy blindly scrambled around for her glass of juice, feeling it in her grasp and raising it up to drink. “Pfft! Again?!”

“You really should stop drinking my Jarate.”


Scout quickly zipped by the entirety of Ponyville, none of whom were able to see just what was going on. The only visible thing from their perspective was a red stream that flew by within seconds. Scout was glad he mixed his Crit-a-Cola with the Bonk! Atomic Punch to make something that made him six times faster and also allowed him to be seemingly transparent.

He was following the blue blur that was flying towards the center of town. It was definitely a pony, from what he heard and saw. And he needed to get it some serious care from the high levels of headbutt he had given to her via Atomizer.

“Aw jeez, this sucks! I mean, this did not just happen. Of all things, this had to happen, right? Un-freaking-believable.” Scout whined as he reached the corner where the blue pony had disappeared. “What the heck?”

As soon as he reached the alleyway, there was a Pegasus staring at him with some anger, hate, and for some reason an affection for his hands.

“Who the hay are you?!” Rainbow Dash positioned herself in a battle stance, intent on dealing some major damage on the would-be attacker in front of her.

“Whoa! Take it easy!” Scout moved back, preparing to run away.

“Nopony hits me and gets away with it!” Rainbow Dash charged, screaming at the top of her lungs and braced for impact with the red clothes-wearing creature.

“Uh, no!” Scout taunted as he drank his new found mix solution of the two sodas. And within minutes, he was running at the speed of light and was heading for a gingerbread house with candy adorning the exterior. “I’m not even winded!”


“Come out, come out where ever you are!” Pinkie called as she pulled open a cabinet in her room, causing a mountain of confetti to overcome here. “No, not there. Hm...if I were a Spy, where would I hide...” Pinkie suddenly jumped at the lamp next to her bed. “No, not there either...”

Spy sat deviously in what he considered the best hiding spot in the history of forever. He laughed quietly, letting out a small snort as he checked his Cloak and Dagger, which would allow him to remain transparent so long as he stood still. And still he stood, as Pinkie ran all around the room, checking impeccably redundant spots.

He needed to wait just a single minute before the game would be over, thus allowing him to receive the precious chef hat that Pinkie Pie had promised him upon his possible victory. And nothing, nothing, would get in the way of receiving a brand new headpiece.

“Gotcha!” Pinkie suddenly grabbed Spy, shaking him and causing his invisibility to distort.

With a catlike reflex, the Frenchman used his Dead Ringer and caused his apparent death, confusing the pink party pony and giving him some time to move to a new spot. No one would suspect him hiding in the kitchen sink! So he hesitantly made his way downstairs as he heard Pinkie yell, “Darn it!”

And there it was, the beauty of his life, the chef hat. He took it in his glove-wearing hands and put it on his head, grinning and laughing like a maniac. “Magnificent!” He praised the white cloth linen headwear. “What did she expect, this?” He asked no one in particular.

“Hello!” Pinkie jumped on Spy’s face.

“What a disaster!” Spy complained, his facade had been penetrated.

“I knew where you were the whole time, silly. You think I wouldn’t notice the springs on my bed being pushed with you on it? Silly spy guy, come on!”

“Zis is not good. But....I do have somezing you won’t expect!”

“What?” Pinkie asked, moving closer to the French assassin and smiling happily.

“Surprise!” Spy suddenly cloaked and appeared behind Pinkie and slammed her head into a bowl of cake batter. “Splendid!” He went to the door, looked back at a cake batter-covered mare, snorted, and slammed it shut as he left.

“What...?” Pinkie could only sputter out in confusion.

Spy stealthily walked down the street, not having a care in the world. All he needed were his hats, and life would be just dandy.

“You! You’re the one who pretended to be me!” Octavia shouted as she went straight for Spy.

“Mon dieu...”


“Is this little Flutter pony’s home? Is small and cozy. Heavy likes it!” Heavy tried to crouch, as his immense size crippled rapid movement in the cottage by the Everfree Forest.

“Yes, please be careful.” Fluttershy whispered as she guided the Russian through her home. They reached the living room area where there was a nice couch for Heavy to sit on. She invited him in as his rear met the surface of the furniture. Fluttershy took a seat at the chair opposite of said couch. “So, Mr. Heavy, what do you do?”

“Is not important little pony. Where is Apple pony?”

“Right here!” Applejack shouted as Heavy looked down and saw he was sitting on her tail.

“My bad, I am sorry.” Heavy apologized.

“It’s fine, just be careful, alright? Now then, you were sayin’?” Applejack asked, looking at Fluttershy.

“Oh, da. I take care of enemies. Is all you need to know..unless ponies want to know about my weapon?” Heavy brought up his precious gun, cradling it in his arms like a newborn baby.

“No, that’s quite alright. Now, what should we do?”

“Hmm....nothin’ here.” Applejack shrugged.

Heavy rubbed his chin, then brandishing his shaved scalp. He looked over to the cream Pegasus and grinned. “Heavy has idea. We work on making Flutter pony braver, no?”

“Okay....” The two friends agreed.

“Good, good. First, we work on attitude. Flutter pony, man walks up to you and smacks you on head and calls you baby. What do you do?”

“Run away?”

“Njet!” Heavy scolded.

“Apologize?”

“No!”

“Accept it?”

“No Flutter pony! You must not let others treat you like trash. Heavy was treated like he was stupid as child and even now with BLU, but big size makes Heavy scary. You need to look at other ponies, and punch them.” Heavy ordered, handing her a pair of Eviction’s Notice so she could become even more powerful.

“P-p-punch?! I don’t want to hurt anypony!” Fluttershy peeped.

“No, is not hurting ponies. Is breaking bones and killing them, is not hurt them. They will not feel pain, okay?” Heavy reassured, though his more graphic explanation didn’t help either. Fluttershy almost fainted but Heavy quickly muttered, “I was joke.”

“Oh okay.” Fluttershy still had a doubt remaining in her mind.

“Is this really gonna work, Mister?” Applejack questioned his current methods, unsure if he was even sure of his way of doing things.

“Da. Next is voice. Flutter pony, you are baby! You must speak like Heavy, with wind.. with...power! Repeat after Heavy; I am Heavy Weapons Shy, and this is my bunny.”

“...I......Weapons........this....my bunny.” Fluttershy muttered.

“Louder.” Heavy started blankly at the timid little mare.

“I am Heavy....Shy.....is my bunny..”

“Louder!” Heavy barked.

“I am Heavy Weapons Shy, and this is my bunny!” She said normally.

“It’s not usually my job, but...hehe.” Heavy gave her a thumbs up and cheered. “Little pony is almost big pony now. Now is final test; punch Apple pony in face.”

“W-what?!” Fluttershy’s jaw dropped right into the ground.

“What the hay are you doing?!” Applejack yelled.

“Punch her in face, in Soviet Russia, we learn that true men punch friends in face for fun. Now you do it, is last test.”

“No..”

“WHAT?!” Heavy shouted, some spit covering Fluttershy’s face. He stood to his full height, causing a part of the ceiling to come down. He moved closer to his new friend. “Do it, now!”

“No!”

“You will regret not listen to Heavy.” Heavy got closer to her face.

“NO!” Heavy stood back up. He brought his hand up and then swiftly back down. Fluttershy closed her eyes in horror of what might’ve been her final moment on Equestria. But, nothing happened. She opened her eyes to see a smiling Russian patting her mane.

“Is final test. Real men stand up to big men like me. Real men protect comrades, like Heavy protects Medic and Sniper. Now we shall celebrate!” Heavy vocalized positively.

“Whoo!” Applejack cheered.

“Yay!” Fluttershy followed with her feeble addition.

“Now, everyone gets bite from Sandvich. Eat up!” Heavy gave the Sandvich to Applejack and Fluttershy, both of whom chewed gleefully on the confection.

“This ish....really..gooddth....Heavy. What’s in it?” Fluttershy asked as she chewed appreciatively from her friend’s gift.

“Is Sandvich, has all of normal things. Mustard, mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, cheese, ham, and pickles.” Heavy listed.

“Oh that’s great! I should just- wait what?” Fluttershy paused upon hearing a certain ingredient listed.

“What did y’all say?” Applejack asked.

“Mustard, mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, cheese, ham, and pickles. Why, is not problem is it? Is just....oh...” The BLU mercenary just realized that he made the biggest mess up of his life, aside from not punching that one walrus in the face, of course. “I am sorry, Heavy is sorry, I did n-”

“HAM?!?” The two mares threw up Heavy’s direction, which unfortunately was the same time as when he was talking, with his mouth open.

Stunned beyond recognition and literally running five hundred courses in his mind, Heavy didn’t even realize the fact that the two ponies confiscated his lover and ran away. After throwing up himself, the Russian stood up and looked for the cause of the problem. “Where is Sandvich?” He looked out the window and saw Applejack carrying it on her back, running back to Ponyville. “APPLE PONY!!!!!!!!!!!”


“Huddah huddah, huh huh huddah huh!”

“I’m sorry! Jeez, how many times do I have to say it, huh? I didn’t mean to barge in on you like that, but you could’ve locked the door at least!” Lyra retorted.

“Huddah huh huddah huh huddah huddah huddah.” Pyro explained, still scrubbing in the bathtub which was now shut off to any onlookers.

“How was I supposed to know you have a fear of being locked in places? And you shouldn’t have even come to my house in the first place.”

“Mpphh mphh mph?”

“What’s popcorn have to do with this?” Lyra shouted over the blazing shower head inside the bathroom she stood ajar from.

“Huddah?”

“The towels are in there. Shoot, I just bought those from the Bath and Pony Works, yesterday! Great, now some alien gets to use my sixty bit special absorbent cloth. Great day so far, Heartstrings. You had to get out of bed today, didn’t you?” She asked herself.

Lyra lounged a bit more outside of the bathroom, but she soon realized that Pyro wasn’t leaving or done anytime soon. So she’d need to find something entertaining to do. She went back to her room when she saw a pair of blue goggles placed nonchalantly on the top shelf of her cupboard. “What are these?”

She put them on and everything changed before her eyes. Her room wasn’t her room anymore. It was a giant play land. Her bed turned into cotton candy, her furniture into gumdrops, and everything else into mints. Her stomach growled and boy was she getting hungry. She had to find something to eat soon.

Lyra turned tail and went downstairs, the goggles still covering her eyes. Everything was just so ecstatic and she couldn’t help but smile, smile, and smile. Upon reaching the bottom, the door opened and Lyra faced her roommate, Bon-Bon, who wasn’t Bon-Bon. No, it was her roommate’s voice, but in the mare’s place was a giant tub of ice cream. And it looked delicious.

“Hey Lyra, you got home pretty early. What are those on your head?” Bon-Bon, or the ice cream tub, wobbled closer, the metal spoon at the opening slid with each step. Lyra licked her lips, smelling the cotton candy and strawberry shampoo that her best friend had used just this morning. And the mare could not take it anymore.

Lyra jumped towards Bon-Bon, mouth wide open and drooling as she said, “I’m going to eat you!” Lyra sucked and chewed and everything. But after a few awkward seconds, she moved the goggles off and saw what she was really doing.

“Uh, Lyra, why are you eating my mane? Did you get a hold of that sugar dust candy again? I told you to stay away from it!” Bon-Bon scolded, causing her friend to recoil in embarrassment.

Lyra was literally sucking and trying to chew her friend’s mane. And now she just felt silly. Her cheeks flushed into a royal red as she tried to explain herself. “I was really hungry...and I-”

Bon-Bon gasped, causing Lyra to stop as she turned to her back and gasped as well.

Pyro stood there, dripping water all over the place as he still donned the shower cap. He had a pink towel wrapped around his body, although he was wearing a flame-retardant suit. Placing the rubber ducky on the table, he looked at the new mare who had returned and waved her hello.

“Lyra...”

“Bad Pyro! Bad! I said not to use my towel on your body!” Lyra chastised the RED pyrotechnics expert.

“Aww.....Huddah..”


A frantic Fluttershy was gasping for breath inside of Sugar Cube Corner. She had locked the door not even a second after her arrival, scaring the snot out of Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, and Ditzy Doo. She stared around the room, taking in her surroundings. Realizing she was safe, she let out a breath of relief and sat down with her friends.

“Fluttershy, what happened?”

“This,” Fluttershy brought the Sandvich to view and caused everypony to recoil in surprise.

“But that’s Heavy’s Sandvich!” Ditzy remarked.

“I found out what’s in it...it’s horrible!” Fluttershy’s eyes began to tear up again.

“It’s okay, just tell us what happened.” Twilight went over and comforted her best friend, helping the timid mare’s mind to come to ease.

“Well...”

Fluttershy explained the whole situation, garnering questioning glares from the others.

“What?”

“I think you overreacted!” Pinkie Pie concluded, jumping around the shy little Pegasus.

“I agree with Pinkie on this one, creatures eat meat all of the time. Did you even ask him if he liked it?”

“Well..no...”

“Well then, it’s settled. We should go apologize.”

As the others agreed and Twilight started to lead them towards the locked door, loud knocks came from the outside.


“We need to protect the Sandvich!” A stumbling Octavia said as she ran towards Sugar Cube corner. As she reached the door, another human that was accompanied by Rainbow Dash. He was, unlike Spy, dressed in red clothing and was as slender as the fancy gentleman.

Scout pulled on the locked door, obviously trying to get inside. Getting away from Rainbow Dash was easy, but the locked door definitely allowed her to smack him a few times as he tried to pry the door open.

“Yo! A little help here?” Scout asked to the approaching Octavia.

“I got it, I got it! Stand back, human.” Octavia pushed as she used all of her fanciful thinking, refined status, and personal knowledge to get inside of the locked shop. She knocked on the door to the tune of the Shave and a Haircut tune. “Knock, knock, knock, uh.....knock.”

“Well that didn’t work.” Rainbow Dash commented, slapping Scout on the head a few more times.

“Huuuudddddaaaaahhhh!” Pyro screamed as he charged with his flamethrower, pushing Octavia and Scout into the door and destroying it completely.

“AHHHHHHH!” Scout and Octavia screamed as they were pushed passed the front door and into the middle of the shop.

“Ahhhhh......hey it’s still here.” Scout quickly regained his balance and took ahold of the Sandvich.

“Huddah huddah.” Pyro calmed down, helping Octavia up on her hooves. The others, Twilight, Ditzy, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and a lagging Lyra and Bon-Bon all gathered together with the humans to try to understand just what was going on.

“Ah-hem, Gentlemen.” Spy stepped into Sugar Cube Corner dramatically as everyone in the room turned their attention the the Frenchman. He had a limp Applejack slung over his shoulder, whether she was alive or dead, they had yet to find out. He walked slowly over to the group and looked around. “I see ze Sandvich is safe.”

“Safe and sound,” Twilight reassured.

“Yeah it is.” Scout replied.

“Tell me, did anyone happen to catch ze Mad Russian on ze way here?” Spy asked.

Everyone shrugged in response, looks of confusion spread on their faces.

“No? Zen we still have a problem,” Spy placed Applejack’s body on the table, a small shred of her hat lingering on her mane.

“And a hat.” Lyra added.

“Oohoohhoo, big problem.” Scout mocked as he picked up the hat. He moved backwards, unknowing of what was behind him. “I’ve killed plenty of Heavies. They’re a bunch of bald, ugly, weird looking scumbags. Like you,” Scout moved into Twilight’s horn, jabbing him in the back. “Ow, no offense.” The Boston Runner said as he rubbed his pained area, dropping the piece of hat while doing so.

“If you managed to kill zem, zen zey were not like me.” Spy picked up the shred of Applejack’s Stetson, handing it back to Scout. “And nozhing, nozhing like the Heavy loose inside this village.

“What are you, president of his fan club?” Scout insulted. Everypony giggled, chuckled, or laughed at his snide remark.

“No,” Spy turned around, getting into the RED mercenary’s face. “Zat would be your kitchen!” Spy slapped an entire photo album on the table next to Applejack’s body, revealing a Heavy raiding Scout’s home, punching his mom and eating everything in his refrigerator.

“Wh- Wher- Do ya- Whaa- Ah- Eh!” Scout babbled, shocked at the embarrassing images. He stood there dumbly, as still as a statue.

“Indeed. And now he’s here to punch us! So listen up, boy, or photography starring your kitchen will be ze second worst zing to happen to you today.” Spy took out his Spytron and lit up a cigarette, looking off into the window that displayed the outside view.

The other ponies and Pyro all shared the photos. They oohed and ahhed at the pictures, laughing at some and jeering at others. Scout regained his state of mind and jumped for the photos. “Gimme that!” He collected them and pocketed them for no eyes to ever bear witness to again.

“Ze Heavy has already attacked the citizens.”

Rarity hadn’t seen the others in some hours now, but it was worth it since she was spending the time to make brand new dresses for all of them, jewels enhancing the borders and such. She just needed to get this clothes rack safely across to Sugar Cube Corner to give it to her very best friends...

“Take that!” Heavy punched Rarity’s clothesline, causing them to fly in different directions. Some went in garbage cans, others were ripped to shreds, and some just exploded for literally no reason whatsoever.

“My dresses!” Rarity shrieked. She was pent up and was about to take revenge on the monstrosity that could do such a thing, when a giant ape-looking thing looked at her with hateful eyes.

“Where is Sandvich?!”

“Wh-what?” Rarity quivered.

“GRRRAH!” Heavy stomped on Rarity’s dress that she had made for herself. So much hard work went into that of all. And the thing just stomped on it...with dirt covered boots.

“Ohhh!” Rarity fainted from the commotion, leaving a bumbling Heavy to rampage through the town some more.

“You see what he’s done to our colleagues.” Spy motioned at the unconscious Applejack.

“Run Fluttershy, he won’t get passed me, ya hear?” Applejack ordered.

“But...”

“Run!” Fluttershy was pushed as Applejack bucked her in the direction of Pinkie’s home. The farmer turned back towards the main road, seeing an enraged Heavy charging at her. “You aint’ so tough!” Applejack taunted.

Heavy stopped at her, stared for a moment, lost in a sudden train of thought. But that’s when the impossible happened. Heavy took Applejack’s Stetson, causing her to leap for it to take it back. “Gimme mah hat back!!!” Heavy was never going to have it, not in this lifetime or the next.

Heavy brought the Stetson to his face........



And he ate it.


“..........” Applejack had nothing to say as Heavy burped and a shred of the hat onto her mane, rendering her unconscious from the sheer brutality of his treatment of her long-used family’s headwear.


“And worst of all, he could beat anyone of us.”

Sniper saw Heavy hulking around the edge of town, thanks to his eagle-like vision from his years as a hunter and assassin. He said goodbye to Ditzy as he went over to his fellow team member.

“Oi mate, ya alright?”

“Ponies take Sandvich. Ponies must pay.” Heavy cracked his knuckles as he eyed a candy-covered building in the distance, deciding that was where his precious companion was.

“What are ya talking about. I- Bloody Hell!” Sniper got punched in the face as Heavy pushed him aside. “You crazy wanker, watch what you’re-” Sniper was punched again, this time rendering him unconscious.

Now that Heavy was free, he had nothing stopping him on his journey for the Sandvich.

“He could be in zis very room!” Spy suggested, dramatically posing as if his life depended on it. “He could beat you. He could beat me. He could even be-” Spy got knocked to the ground as a Frying Pan smacked him dead on the cranium.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!!” Scout jumped for cover. Pyro stood there, baffled at the sudden attack.

“What? It was obvious, he’s Heavy. And we got him! That varmint ate mah hat!” Applejack shouted, proud with her work.

“Uh, Applejack, that’s Spy, not Heavy.” Pinkie reminded.

“Course that’s Heavy. What are y’all talkin’ 'bout?” Applejack questioned, kicking the knocked out Spy on the leg.

“She’s not right in the head...” Bon-Bon remarked.

“Yeah...” Lyra whispered.

“So we still got a problem?” Fluttershy asked everypony.

“Big problem,” Ditzy replied.

“Alright, who’s ready to go find this Heavy?” Rainbow Dash scanned for volunteers.

“Entire ponies is babies!”