Chapter 1: The New World.
I sat in front of my computer completing the Second Dream Quest with my Rhino Prime Warframe. As I finished and entered another cinematic, the following things happened. My Rhino Prime holding a Tenno or a child of Zariman I read about in the codex got blown back and apart from each other causing My Rhino Prime to collapse. Stalker showed up and stabbed Rhino Prime in his chest with his sword. The sword started to glow brightly and continued to glow, the glow ended covering the whole screen with a bright red color, the same color as Stalker’s sword energy. I suddenly felt a tug I noticed coming from my screen, but I didn’t react fast enough when I got pulled towards the screen. After that I blacked out.
I started to regain my consciousness, I heard seven female voices speaking. “Twilight what is this you found?” A voice said.
“ I don’t know Princess but it looks like it fought a battle and lost.” another voice replied.
I finally got my vision back and I saw the hud I always see when I play Warframe My shields, health which was at the half mark and all other things but what that caught my eye was that I didn’t see my Warframe anywhere. Instead I saw my legs turning into the legs of Rhino Prime and the sword of Stalker I was always looking down. I realized I was in the body of Rhino Prime. I needed to know where I was and needed to get this sword out of me. I raised my arms slowly because of the excruciating pain going through my nerves, and grabbed the sword, started to pull it out but found it hard to do since it’s was placed well into my body. But it’s not impossible as it moves slowly out of my body.
“Wait it’s still alive !”
I heard another voice said and paused with pulling this sword out. I Looked up to see 7 ponies and one very small dragon. One of the ponies was taller than the rest with a white coat and a sun symbol on its flank. There were a purple pony with several stars on its flank, another pony with a white coat but had diamonds on its flank. Another pony was blue with a cloud and a lightning bolt with the color of a rainbow on its flank. The fifth one was a pink pony with balloons for it symbol then a yellow pony which had three pink butterflies for it's symbol, and the last was an orange pony with three orange apples on its flank. “Um hello do you need any help?” I heard the large white pony asked me. “Yess...Please” I managed to say as I almost got the sword out. “Of course” and with that, the sword had a magical golden glow around it as it got pulled out. When it came out, my health dropped down to 10 out of my total health I had yet to find out. “Thank you.” I managed to say but in a weak voice.
“It’s my pleasure, but are you okay?” The same pony that helped me said.
“No, I need to heal which I can manage by myself” I replied as I got a healing pod out, and by then my shields started to regenerate.
“What is that you got there? and why are you flashing blue?” The same pony asked.
“This is a healing pod which will heal me” I said as I set the pod down and activated it. “And the blue that's flashing is my shields that are regenerating.
“This is so interesting!, Think about all the new technology we could learn from this being!” The purple pony said.
I stood up fully healed at 720 health points and shields fully regenerated at 1210 points. While I reached my full height they looked up at me and awe.
“My Celestia he’s tall!” The white pony with the diamonds on her flank said.
I still don’t understand how they are speaking English but that's a question to answer for another time.
“Okay I’m fully healed, may I ask where am I and who you all are?” I asked.
“I am Princess Celestia co-ruler of this country Equestria. This is Twilight Sparkle my student, and these are her friends Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Apple Jack and her assistant Spike.” Princess Celestia said.
“Thank you all for helping me, I am Rhino Prime, I am a Tenno a master of gun and sword.” I introduced myself in my Warframe instead of my real name.
“Greetings Rhino Prime. May I ask why you are here?” Celestia asked.
“ I am sorry but I don’t know, all I remember is fighting Stalker, which I found out was a Tenno gone Rogue” I replied.
I looked around and I saw I was in some kind of garden filled with wonderful flowers and trees. But what I was really looking for was my Liset, my space ship but it was nowhere to be seen.
“It’s alright. Would you like to stay here? Oh here’s your sword” Celestia asked.
“Yes thank you I might even take up residence here since I can’t return home.” I replied as I took the sword and broke it apart.
“Why did you break your sword?” Twilight Sparkle asked.
“It’s not my sword and the reason I broke it was to remove Hunhow the sentient destroyer from finding this place ever” I replied.
“This Honhow guy doesn't sound to be that friendly” Twilight said with a hint of fear.
“You are correct Twilight he has a horrible goal to remove all living things in the universe.” I replied with anger staining my voice Princess Celestia could catch.
“You seem to be angry at them, may I ask why is that?” Princess Celestia asked.
I let out a sigh before answering. “He...he used us to eradicate a whole race just because of his goal to rule the universe.” I paused and clenched my fists before continuing. “I also found out that he planned to kill us, the Tenno because he feared us.” I said while unleashing all my anger on a nearby tree, causing it splinter to many thousands of pieces. “Sorry about your trees” I spoke once I calmed down.
“Oh I’m sorry he did that to you, and it’s okay about the trees I can get it replaced” Princess Celestia said.
“I am showing you your room now. Since we need to prepare for my niece's wedding” Princess Celestia said while starting to walk. I followed her like everyone else did.
"How did he disintegrate that trees with just one punch? Is he naturally that strong? I'm going to have to ask him about that later?" Twilight thought to herself.
While I followed Princess Celestia towards my room where I will be staying, I noticed that all the guards I assumed are guards, gave me odd looks. We finally stopped in front of a door I presumed was my room to stay for now.
“Here is the room you're going to be staying in. And I would like you to come and attend breakfast tomorrow so we can discuss a few things, Goodnight and sleep well.” she said then left with the others following her trail.
I stood by the door entrance and watched them turn the corner. With sigh, they're all so nice and welcoming, I might call this home soon.
I turned and entered my room. I flopped myself down on my bed and dozed off to sleep. I found myself in a lucid dream where I could control my dream. So I decided to do some training with my weapons and other fighting skills. You never know when you need to be able to fight.
some typos, and it would make more sense to have the person become the Tenno and not the Warframe, as because fot he Second Dream its comfrimed that the Warframes are just organic mecs used by the Tenno, unless you have the player/person on the liset
Warframe crossover? Those are rare... Do forgive me then, if I'm going to be nitpicking on every detail...
A self-insert? Off to a bad start then.
Zariman is the name of the ship. Tenno are Children of Zariman, so your Rhino might've been holding a Tenno, or a Child of Zariman
You used "which" four times in one sentence.
1. Consciousness ( state or quality of awareness), not conscience (aptitude, faculty, intuition or judgment that assists in distinguishing right from wrong)
2. Have heard
3. It's literature, not math. Use "seven" not "7"
4. Why is "female" capitalised?
Weird capitalisation is a reoccurring thing in your story, looks like it.
Yep. Self-insertious wish fulfillment.
"Oh, top of the morning to you, madam. Yes, quite, I do, indeed require your assistance, if it's not a problem. You see, I have A SWORD AS TALL AS MYSELF STUCK IN MY CHEST"
Yeah, kinda not a reaction you'd expect. If I were to wake up with War stuck in my chest I'll be screaming bloody murder, not greeting people.
Hunhow.
This part makes little to no sense.
Not quite. We don't know Hunhow's agenda. Or Sentients' for that matter. The fact that they attacked the Orokin doesn't mean they're Reapers from Mass Effect.
Lol.
An unknown entity appears somewhere, crushes a tree, survives being stabbed in the chest. "Yeah, whatevs, imma go and invite him to my castle"
_____
Aight, to sum it up in a clear manner:
1. You didn't read what you've written, or at least it doesn't look like it. You seem to be completely disregarding any strive for quality.
2. Many grammatical mistakes, style errors, and more.
3. It's a bloody wish fulfillment self insert.
4. Double that, because not only "I'm a Rhino Prime now", but "Gonna be living in Equestria from now on".
5. The characters are too okay with everything.
6. There's absolutely zero tension. Everything's like they've seen a new Warframe pop up into existence every Friday.
7. Characters behave unrealistically.
8. Nothing's explained.
Yeah, I wouldn't call it a publishing worthy piece of fiction yet. Put some more work into it and you may salvage the idea somehow. So far it doesn't look promising.
Are Rhino Primes good or evil? What exactly is Warframe, anyway?
6800531 Warframe is a name of a F2P game by Digital Extremes.
In the game itself, Warframes are biomechanical golems remotely controlled by the Tenno - children warped with the Void energies.
6800648 Thanks for the check. I will be fixing things now and looking things over as I go. (If my friends would stop bugging me). I could concentrate better. Plus my English isn't my first language.
6800223 Your check from Hunhow down is what I meant to put there. Remember I'm going to have to change Warframe a bit to fit my story.
6800531 Rhino Prime Is a good person in the game and I intend also the same thing here. Rhino Prime is also the many types of Warframes in the game (Warframe).