All ways respect other from the beginning, respect can bring you far in life.
When a Tenno, but to be more accurate a Rhino Prime arrives In Equestria and meets the locals; what will happen to Equestria with this new visitor?
Note This is a Warframe crossover with Equestria but it will be changing some things about Warframe to fit what I have in mind.
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some typos, and it would make more sense to have the person become the Tenno and not the Warframe, as because fot he Second Dream its comfrimed that the Warframes are just organic mecs used by the Tenno, unless you have the player/person on the liset
Warframe crossover? Those are rare... Do forgive me then, if I'm going to be nitpicking on every detail...
A self-insert? Off to a bad start then.
Zariman is the name of the ship. Tenno are Children of Zariman, so your Rhino might've been holding a Tenno, or a Child of Zariman
You used "which" four times in one sentence.
1. Consciousness ( state or quality of awareness), not conscience (aptitude, faculty, intuition or judgment that assists in distinguishing right from wrong)
2. Have heard
3. It's literature, not math. Use "seven" not "7"
4. Why is "female" capitalised?
Weird capitalisation is a reoccurring thing in your story, looks like it.
Yep. Self-insertious wish fulfillment.
"Oh, top of the morning to you, madam. Yes, quite, I do, indeed require your assistance, if it's not a problem. You see, I have A SWORD AS TALL AS MYSELF STUCK IN MY CHEST"
Yeah, kinda not a reaction you'd expect. If I were to wake up with War stuck in my chest I'll be screaming bloody murder, not greeting people.
Hunhow.
This part makes little to no sense.
Not quite. We don't know Hunhow's agenda. Or Sentients' for that matter. The fact that they attacked the Orokin doesn't mean they're Reapers from Mass Effect.
Lol.
An unknown entity appears somewhere, crushes a tree, survives being stabbed in the chest. "Yeah, whatevs, imma go and invite him to my castle"
_____
Aight, to sum it up in a clear manner:
1. You didn't read what you've written, or at least it doesn't look like it. You seem to be completely disregarding any strive for quality.
2. Many grammatical mistakes, style errors, and more.
3. It's a bloody wish fulfillment self insert.
4. Double that, because not only "I'm a Rhino Prime now", but "Gonna be living in Equestria from now on".
5. The characters are too okay with everything.
6. There's absolutely zero tension. Everything's like they've seen a new Warframe pop up into existence every Friday.
7. Characters behave unrealistically.
8. Nothing's explained.
Yeah, I wouldn't call it a publishing worthy piece of fiction yet. Put some more work into it and you may salvage the idea somehow. So far it doesn't look promising.
Are Rhino Primes good or evil? What exactly is Warframe, anyway?
6800531 Warframe is a name of a F2P game by Digital Extremes.
In the game itself, Warframes are biomechanical golems remotely controlled by the Tenno - children warped with the Void energies.
6800648 Thanks for the check. I will be fixing things now and looking things over as I go. (If my friends would stop bugging me). I could concentrate better. Plus my English isn't my first language.
6800223 Your check from Hunhow down is what I meant to put there. Remember I'm going to have to change Warframe a bit to fit my story.
6800531 Rhino Prime Is a good person in the game and I intend also the same thing here. Rhino Prime is also the many types of Warframes in the game (Warframe).
Keep them coming!
6828787 I'm glad you like it, but I'm having a charger problem right now so it will be a while before another chapter is out.
Twilight Archon
Constructive criticism here.
It would be best to stop jumping to conclusions. Your characters are asking some blatantly simple questions, its needs some build up.
And in some instances like the armor, altering something like that... not always the best idea.
I know you said that English isn't your first language but trying to add more detail and extending conversations (as best as you can) and getting away from asking obvious questions and making the conversation so simple would be best.
When you have the time think it through, this is a good story don't get me wrong, it just needs a little more work to make it.
Good luck and keep up the good work.
6834152 thank you for tips, but that armor thing is actually an ability that you can modify to increase its affectiveness with a armor multiplayer diferiantianing on the build and in the 3sec immunity the damage that's absorbed will be added to the health of the armor. Go to http://warframe.wikia.com/wiki/Iron_Skin. To see more
6834219 I was talking about equipping the armor set in chapter 2. I Know how Rhinos iron skin works, the ability is one thing since its apart of the frame. But equipping accessories without the arsenal of the ship... is debatable, at least try to explain how your character pulled it off. With "I figured it out and equipped them" at least explain how they appeared instead of 'pop' there they are. Like I said a little more explanation would be great.
6834271 all right I'll do it when I got my charger for my computer fixed
6829501 Did you know you could type on the phone version of the website. That's how I used to do it.
6857858 Yes but it would take ages but i got my charger fixed already.
Good job! Could you have Rhino Prime explain to the Ponies the differences between a normal Warframe and a Prime Warframe. And another thing I have to agree with you on is that a Normal Warframe and a Prime Warframe are two different things. A Prime Warframe is the original model of the normal Warframes made by the Orokin.
And finally I was wondering if you would like to use my Warframe OC for your story. PM me if your interested.
Wow the orbiter look like a futuristic cruiser
6858653 :D sure does! glad you like it.
hmmm you don't want them to see your true form eh :3
6860899 Yup
Will you bring back the broken ordis that we all know and love?
6861171 maybe later in the story
If your screwing with the lore and design of things like I am you can ignore this. But in the game the Orbiter is the lower compartment of the Liset. The Liset in its own design is one massive ship. The part you see in the cut scenes is the stealth part of the ship, and in the game the part that contains the foundry, incubator and on is the orbiter part of the Liset.
Need to reread when you can and looks for those areas that need capitalization. Otherwise good story.
Could use a little more detail but that's just my opinion if you like what you have, who am I to change it?
P.S. Listet needs to be capitalized since its the name of the ship.
6862620 The is actually no lore on the Liset or the orbiter and most people on warframe will say that the Liset is the steath ship you see in the game so I can say that the orbiter is the bigger part of the ship because if you type Orbiter in google images you will see the same image as the link in the author notes. And I don't want mine to be exactly the same as your story.
I was busy, Tiered and I wrote for an hour every morning from 5:30 to 6:30 because During the day I had things to be done.
6862620 And actually if you go to select landing craft on warframe you'll see the Liset as the smaller ship not the huge big one so your wrong.
6863984 Well I should probably just stay out of your story.
I'm screwing with the lore of Warframe because its full of so many holes. But using the Liset with the way I have it portrayed in my story isn't taking an idea of mine, because I technically took it from Warframe itself and so do most of the other Warframe stories that have the ships. And there I go again. Maybe I should just shut up?
And I know what you mean by tired, I do most of my writing at midnight or one in the morning.
6864780 I think it would be better if I just shut my trap. Because if you type orbiter into the Warframe wiki the landing craft appears, but it talks about everything it contains, and I mean everything we see. Then in the game Ordis talks about keeping the Orbiter in place, I guess the main issue with a game like this is everyone has their idea about what is what. I think its cool that you're going with the second dream idea where my Tenno is an actual man in a suit, then again I posted my story just before u18 came out.
6864834 I like your comments and I also like having good arguments about things so keep them coming. And a little sneak peak for the next chapter which is gonna be about an Orokin survivor.
6865571 I wonder whos survivor that might be?
I do enjoy your story, I still think it could use some more details and less jumping to conclusions. And maybe have a little more build up to things and more questions. To me the ponies are accepting things a little to quickly.
6865615 hmm need more build up I'm gonna see if I can do it.
not bad and yay we get an appearance from the stalker
Yay he got the war
Great chapter.
6880085 thanks :D
Side note, its Grineer, nor Grnirr. and equis needs to be capitalized because it is the name of a planet.
6913062 hmmm I swore I saw Grinirr on the wiki but oh well thanks.
6913067 Took me forever to spell grineer right. So your not alone.
Is Rhino going to move his new family to the dojo? I also wonder if he will adopt Hakkar? So many questions I can't wait to know what happens next.
6922685 Hmmm I was actually thinking about that but haven't made my mind yet.
6922768 out of a question are you thinking about adding a new warframe character in?
6923006 Been thinking about that and maybe in the coming chapters.
Excellent chapter.
6965376 thanks mate.
Very excellent chapter can't wait to know what happens next.
6965532 Thanks! :D
I have only one word "AWESOME" thanks man
6981938 :D glad you arprove
I noticed a typo calling Excalibur Prime Ash Prime. But other than that good work.
6992033 I know going to get to it now