Chapter VI: When Did My Life Become So Insane?
Most of my days at Canterlot Castle came down to the same bullshit as yesterday: Wake up, talk to Lavan, go out with Moonflower, get questioned by Twilight, spend some time with her learning abut magic. Steal Luna's illusion books, read them, then go to sleep.
The next actual noteworthy event of my stay happened on the twentieth day, eleven days before I was released from my punishment. It was an average morning, Lavan and I were doing stupid shit as usual.
'HEY I'M GRUMP!'
I'M NOT SO GRUMP!
'AND WE'RE THE GAME GRUMPS!' We shouted in unison.
*clunk* *clunk* *clunk*
You hear that?
'Yep. Sounds like armoured hooves, be prepared for some imminent bullshit.' I prepared myself for some imminent bullshit.
"HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT!" As the guards' half-drone, half shout slowly became louder, I went to investigate. As I reached the door, a stampede of armoured ponies slammed the door open and began storming into my room, filling up the floor like a gushing river of Jarheads water. They either paid no mind that they were walking over me or took enjoyment in my pain. The forces were a mixed group of day and night, each filling up any open space.
'Well then.' This is interesting.
Where the hell did these guards come from?
'Your mum's house.'
Screw you.
'Your mum already did.'
With a dildo.
'Are we going to get up or not?' Lavan is so sassy today.
Throwing off the guard pony that had decided to stand right on top of me, I stood up,to find that the guard factions had formed two groups on each side of the room, Moonflower, who was smiling rather happily at me apong with a grey old stallion were at the front of each group, as they were the Captains. The Celestial princesses, however, were stood by the door, along with a half awake Twilight sandwiched in between them. She waved lightly, before taking a sip of what looked like coffee from the mug she held in her magical grasp.
"Good morning, Human." I didn't even have to look to know who that was.
"Question: Why the fuck is the entire royal guard in my room at-" I looked towards the old grandfather clock, "9' in the morning?"
"You appear to not respect your princesses and so, by royal decree, we are inducting you into the royal guard as an extension of your punishment."
"Seriously, what kinda fuckass bullshit is this?" A quick nod from the eldest sister was all I needed to confirm it. Lavan, your thoughts?
'I'd pick Luna, honestly. You already have Moonflower as a friend, and she can probably convince the night guard that you aren't nearly as much of a dick than you act around the princesses.'
I'd prefer to do neither to be honest, this just seems like some bullshit arc where I do stupid shit for no reason.
'Same story with living in Equestria. You were dumb enough to stay here, so now you're gonna be made useful.
Yeah, but both of them will try to make the next week and a half as hellish as possible.
'So many choices...'
Two is quite a lot for you.
'Oh, I'm sorry, who was it who failed their further mathematics modules?' Oh damn, he went there.
Yeah but I passed all three sciences and the base maths ones, dickhead.
"John?" I heard Celestia through Lavan's blathering. I snapped out of my rather heated argument (heh, get it, because he's a deranged pyromaniac?) with Lavan.
"Scuse me? I phased out for a second there." The two princesses rolled their eyes. In the back of my head, I heard Lavan mumble something under his breath, probably telling me he wasn't obsessed with fire, which is a complete lie on his part.
"Your choice, Human?" She forgets, but I will smack a bitch if she doesn't fuck off. I had a small moment of realisation before pointing at my chosen princess.
"Twilight." Everyone gasped, princesses included, while Moonflower scrunched up her face at my choice.
'DUN, DUN, DUNNNN!'
Great sound effects, mate.
'I try.'
"Twilight has her own guard, doesn't she?" Both sisters looked between themselves.
"Well..." Celestia laughed nervously.
"We may have... forgotten to establish a guard force for our newest princess." Smooth, princess. Real smooth. If I wasn't in the prescence of about fifty guards who wanted a reason to beat the living stuffings out of me, I would've given the princesses my most sarcastic and annoying slow clap. A slow clap I have trained to do since I was six. The technique of my people, passed down fro-
'We get it, you're a sarcastic prick who can act like an asshole.'
Well thanks for spoiling the mood there.
Twilight dropped the mug in her shock, which cracked and spilled over the shiny marble floor, barely missing the book I had used as a door stop when it got too hot.
'Lucky too. She would've had a right fit if that stained it.'
Too right. Imagining an angry Twilight is not a pleasant mental image, especially when you know she has the magical ability to turn you into a potted plant. (It's a really weird story, don't ask about it.)
"So? I'll just be the captain, right Twi?" I mouthed a 'please, just go with it.'
"Umm...I'm not too sure I'm alright with having my own guards. I don't really..." She caught my glare, "Think it's too far-fetched for me to try it, though!" She caught herself, causing me to release the breath I had been unwittinglying holding.
'You are so persuasive.'
"So it's settled! I'm in Twilight's guard." I ignored Lavan's little comment. Moonflower was blushing slightly, giving me a glare that could only be matched by a Gorgon, or maybe a bitter old English teacher.
'She mad.'
Indeed. There's not much I can do about it, though.
'Except change back to the Lunar guard.
I know, but- Oi! Stop trying to cause more inner conflict, you bring enough of it just by sitting around.
I could see from here that Moonflower was talking to the two princesses quietly, receiving a nod as Celestia waved over the other captain.
I've got a bad feeling about this...
'Likewise.'
Celestia spoke up, "John, the Captains here have brought up a good point. As you are inexperienced in the management, protocols and oaths a guard captain takes, one of them shall tutor you. You have a choice, Captain Moonflower or Captain Swift?
"Moonflower." So this other bloke is the one who's in charge of the pricks who never let me go anywhere.
"It is settled, then. Today marks the formation of the..." Luna began, before looking at the younger princess.
''Arcane' has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
I closed in on Twilight before whispering the idea to her.
"The spellcunts." I said.
"No. Watch your language." Celestia chastised me.
"Horny Mofos?" I suggested.
"I am not above spanking you."
'Not gonna lie, that's kinda hot.'
What the fuck is wrong with you?
"Fine. What about The Arcane Guard?"
Both of the princesses were sufficiently satisfied with that.
"You will be given a badge of office, and armour when we have them forged, future Captain of the Arcane Guard."
'If this is how they pick their guard captains, no wonder the military is such a mess'
I know, right? There wasn't even any paperwork.
"Now to the paperwork." Celestia continued. Lavan began laughing at my misfortune.
'You retard, you just jinxed yourself so bad.
I then did my best Vader impression, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~" The castle walls echoed with my sorrow.
As my shouting continued, Twilight slid me along in her magic, I was still letting out all of my no's, so I didn't realise we had gone anywhere until I was at the chair, with the paperwork in front of me.
"~OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- Ow, that hurt!" One of the guards who had accompanied Twilight knocked me over the head with the butt of a spear. He shrugged.
And so, stocked with knowledge of my new profession, and a heavy heart, I did the paperwork concerning running an entirely new part of the military.
It took fucking AGEEEEEEES!
'I can confirm this.'
Also why the fuck am I the one who HAD to do this? These people don't know me well enough to trust me with this. Eh, doesn't matter in the short term. All I want is to get out of Canterlot.
Then, for some reason I had to do exercise.
'Fat ass.'
It didn't help that the only decent company I had was Moon, who was rather pissed off at me.
----
"ALRIGHT MAGGOT! YOU ARE HERE TO PUT SOME MEAT ON YOUR SKINNY LITTLE TWIGS!" Of course they have drill sergeants, why wouldn't they? "GET TO IT, CHIMP! TIME'S A' WASTIN'!"
"Push up number hundred and ninety-eight!" I told myself, muscles straining as I pushed against the mud beneath me.
"Push up number hundred and ninety-nine!" Almost there.
"PUSH UP TWO HUNDRED! FUCK YEAH!"
'You've only done five.'
Shut up, Lavan! You're just jealous because I'm so good at pumping iron!
'...But you were doing push-ups...'
I don't give a...
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? GET GOING ON A PERIMETER OF THE CASTLE!" Oh cool, something I can do.
I ran the entire perimeter in about ten minutes. I was tired as your mum was after I did her last night when I'd finished. Good time to mention I used to run cross-country. Nothing professional, just happened to have the right build for it and aside from gaming, I pretty much had nothing to do for a good few years.
When I got back to the guard training ground, which is made muddy, purely to take the mickey. They actually have to create rainstorms over that area, with the pure intent of making it abysmal.
"John." That's Moon, although she doesn't really sound pissed. "Walk with me."
'I find it amusing that you haven't seen it yet.'
That I haven't seen what?
'You'll need to figure it out, but it'll take a while to get it into your rather thick skull, I wager.' Cryptic douche-bag.
"What it is it, then? I don't think you'd pull me away from hot, sweaty manual labor for nothing." I'd caught her taking a look or two, mainly when I was exercising.
She blushed angrily, shoving me. "I can talk to Luna. Hell, I'll even put you on low patrols, just..." She sighed. "I enjoy having you around. Most of the guards are too scared of getting in trouble to actually hang out with me."
"I've already joined Twilight's guard, are you really sure that your subordinates are that scared of you.?" Lavan groaned in the background
That threw her off guard. "But, you're fun to be around, and I don't want you to go, I guess." We've known each other for barely a fortnight, and she's already trying to stop me from leaving. Do ponies build up relationships faster then?
"Moon, Luna will be a complete hag to me when ever she orders me to do something, she'salright in general, but I'd go fucking insane if I was forced to do work for her. Twilight is a friend, and she isn't going to tolerate a bunch of armoured racist ponies who, being entirely honest, dislike me as much as I do." Twilight is too cool to screw me over.
"Just- I don't want you to- Grr!" she lost her words, resulting in one angry look and a growl before she flew up into the air, creating a moment of gale force winds from lifting off, knocking me on my ass.
I spent a while just sat there before Lavan spoke up.
'Mares be crazy, man.'
It really do be like that sometimes.
Lavan nodded solemnly. 'It really do.' he weeped for the never ending cruelty of this world.
Pfft, Drama Queen.
'What remained of me imprinted on your brain, which means you're also a Drama Queen.'
No one careeeees!
'Fine! I guess I'll just sit here and wallow in my misery.'
Yeah! You better wallow!
The moon was crawling up the horizon as Lavan and I talked the evening away, laughing, talking and generally taking the piss out of each other constantly.
Good times. Good times which, sadly, came to an end rather quickly, because of some night guards who were to escort me to my room for no reason.
----
My badge (the weapon created for me) and my Captain's armour was ready for me the next day, I had high hopes paticlarly high hopes about the armour though. Early next morning I was being led by Twilight, along with the guy who was meant to be royal blacksmith, as well as a magus, which Twilight told me was some big wig at a unicorn magic academy.
We passed corridor after corridor, my anticipation growing with each step. The door to the armoury was emblazoned with an eclipse, backed by two swords arranged in a cross, and a golden shield. Hype, Hype, Hype.
The relatively large gateway to my new uniform was closed. With a flick of magic from the magus following us, we were given our entrance.
Ho. Lee. Fuck. That armour.
The breastplate looked like a leather cuirass but with dark purple robes coming from the bottom. There was a black and gold version of Twilight's mark emblazoned on the hips of the cloth. I could see various glowing runes from under the actual cloth, and a unicorn was drawing more into them on the bottom as I approached.
The weapon wasn't to be seen, however.
"Do I get a weapon?" That unintentionally sounded really unthankful.
"That's unveiled at the official induction ceremony. We still have to get through all the papers involving creating a new guard force." I can see why that would take a while.
A sword would be pretty cool.
'Why are you so 'okay' with all of this? If I was being drafted into Equestrian military I'd disagree. Rather violently, if the old me was still in charge.'
What the fuck can I do? I'm on my third strike with everyone except Twilight and Moonflower. Luna dislikes me greatly.
' I'm pretty sure you just mean 'Luna hates you'.'
I don't think she's at the point of hatred yet. Where was I? Ah, now i remember: Celestia doesn't trust me. Hell, the only reason I'm not on the third strike with Moon is because I pissed her off so badly she went all the way to strike three and beyond.
'That is true.'
The spirit huffed lazily, similar to how I used to when I was in my mid-teens. Oh, wait... Oh no.
Lavan's sassiness, the mood swings, the bad insults. EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE.
He's becoming teenage John.
Lavan, what have you been doing in my brain?
'I've only eaten a few hormones you don't need anymore. That's about it. ohhhhh, now you fucked up!
Lavan, are you a fucking mug? You DO realise what you've done, right? You're going to devolve back to a teenage me!
Lavan gasped, before yelling out in pain.
'...John. HELP. ME. AAAAGHHHHH...' Lavan cried out, his voice cracking as he did so.
Oh no! The transformation has already begun! Hang in there!
'Gah... Tell my girlfriend... she's a bitch...'
Wait, you have a girlfriend?
'Celestia is into some some kinky shit...' Wait. WHAT THE FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF...
"Captain!" A voice jarred me out of Lavan's last moments. "Were you listening to anything I just said?"
I shook myself trying to fight off any lighting tiredness from getting up this early. "Sorry, I've just been a bit.." I clicked my fingers a few times, trying to call forth the right words. "...out of it,"
"Well, yes. Let me repeat myself then. I am Hedwig, current arch battle-magus of the Unicornian Institute of magic. We've partnered with the Canterlot military academy as well as Celestia's school for the gifted in producing new recruits."
That's a nice name you've got there... "Princess Twilight has authorised that you are to be sent new warlock, battle-magus, and field-medic recruits." He levitated a scroll from somewhere. "This is the first set for recruits. There are sixty of them, each of them have been presented by name, magical capabilities, and are already sorted into fire teams. Expect this batch to come in about three months, from then on, every four months a group of roughly fifty to seventy will be added to the ranks." He droned.
He seemed rather boring for a guy that shares a name with the coolest Owl.
"Sure thing, Jeff." He was quite annoyed by that.
"My name is not 'Jeff', it is Hedwig." I waved him off before Twilight started talking.
Lavan's screams halted. I could almost feel him get edgier, more immature and depressed.
'Wuh? What happened? Where am I? those were teen-John/Lavan's first words.
You're in your own ADULT head.
'Woah, dude. That's creepy.' I used to sound scarily similar to Spike.
I know, right? Technically you're actually a copy of my teenage self inside of a destruction spirit.
'Lel wut?'
We're also so far into the future, Humans are extinct and there are several new species who rule the planet, including Unicorns and Dragons. Now that I think about it, I could have explained that better to the adolescent version of myself.
'...That must've been some really fucking good weed to cause this kind of lucidity.'
It's lucid because it's REAL, YOU BASKET CASE!
'Mad, you are. Calm down, you should.'
I remember this. I used to pull this routine on all the kids who annoyed me, get them angry, then tell them to calm down, or do the Yoda voice.
The Yoda voice is surprisingly effective.
Stop. Being. Yoda. You weren't funny back when I was you, and to be honest you still aren't.
'Lighten up, you must. Get a girlfriend, you will not.' I was actually pretty good at a Yoda impression, believe it or not.
It's too early for me to get into a relationship with ponies. They are kinda cute though.
'I bet if you stare at their asses for long enough, they'll look more Human.'
I don't remember being such a pervert back then...
'Wash out your filthy mind, dude. You're having at least three different fantasies in here about having sex with the horses.' he faked a disgusted tone before making a gagging noise.
No I don't!
'Uh, Bro. Yes there is, I'm in here, so I've even got access to all of your fetishes.
I swear to God... No wonder I had no friends back then, I was annoying as fuck.
'Oh, noice, I found your internal wank bank. Teen-John snickered.
I fucking hate myself.
'Why you have to be mad? Is only game.' Bizzare Russian accent is bizarre.
I then noticed that Twilight was staring at me.
Along with everyone else in the room.
"Hi... " It was at this moment I realised I had fucked up. "...Bye!"
I booked it back to the room, as fast as my skinny twigs could carry me. So not that fast.
Damn it, Lavan. You and your stupid eating habits. Bringing back my past demons.
'Remember back when you liked Sonic? You're too slow, YOU'RE TOO SLOW!'
I'm tempted to just slit my throat now and be done with this fucker.
'Aww, where's the fun in that?' He giggled.
I don't have to talk to teenage me anymore.
There was a strange sensation in my head as Lavan took back control from teen-John.
'Testing, testing. One, two, three. John? You there?'
LAVAN, YOU'RE BACK IN CONTROL!
'...For now.
What.
'I have to purge myself of the hormones. It'll take a while but Teen you will be gone, until then, he'll be the one talking to you. OKSEEYOUBYE!' and I was left with my younger self again.
Ok, good. Lavan's on the job... and not dead, might I add.
'This has been one long high, man.'
I'm not even going to argue.
Looking towards the sky, the sun had just hit it's climax, at midday.
I still have a few hours I need to galvanise. To Luna's spell books!
Over the last few days I've been solely focusing on illusion, Twilight wasn't particularly familiar with it, but could still do a few wards and such. I, on the other hand, have become very good with it.
Two days ago, I recreated London from the base of Big Ben. There were a few gaps I had to fill in with ambiguous buildings, but it was a clever trick nonetheless. I've only had these for about a week and a half, mind you. Illusion is OP, if you think about it. Once I know how to project realistic illusions onto the minds of others, I could pracially rule the world, if I was good enough to fool the princesses.
Which I don't want to. I don't want to rule the world. Too much work involved.
Celly, please don't turn me to stone if you read this, I'd really appreciate it.
'I'm the only one here who gets stoned anyway.'
Was I really that addicted? I sure as hell don't remember having weed more than three times in my life.
'No, I'm just making the best out of my time here, and that means making you hate me.'
Lavan better hurry his ass up, or I'm gonna test if I can forcefully eject him.
'Sounds kinky.'
----
Without Lavan, Moonflower or Twilight for anything, I found myself becoming very bored, very fast. Teen John was still with me as a guard informed me of Celestia's usual dinner invitation, which I took up easily.
One of the whole perks of this 'Captain' crap, was that guards couldn't disobey me. It was fun finding the guards who usually stopped me at the door fuming as I gave them extra duty under the'Authority of Princess Celestia'.
I didn't actually get her permission, but that just made it funnier once they realised they didn't really have to do those patrols the following morning. I had to wait a week before Lavan finally managed to destroy teen-John, the little shit. He knew he had fucked up, so Lavan huffed a 'Sorry, won't happen again.' before reverting to his regular demeanour.
For the last two weeks I had been focusing on illusion, which was getting really tedious, so I swapped back to pyromancy, with mixed results...
'No! No! Stop, you're doing it wrong! Lavan berated.
...Mainly, pissing off a spirit.
So what do you suppose I do, jackass?
'Pyromancy is not about focus, you aren't an aquamancer. Manipulating fire has a lot more to do with emotion than it does technique. Back in my day...'
Oh, here we go.
'...when I was burning down towns and forests, I focused on hate. Hate is a double-edged sword when it comes to most magic anyway, but Pyromancy takes it to an entirely new level. Corruption is easy, but if you have a goal... a base, if you will. Then you will be grounded by it. It's one of the reasons which gets most high level mages take partners, even if they don't want children.' Cool story, Bro.
So this affects me how...?
The spirit groaned before I heard something vaguely similar to a facepalm. 'Focus on people, things, something you either love or hate. It helps drastically.
I focused. The effects were nearly immediate, I felt my magic get easier to control, and there was a hell of a lot more of it at my disposal, the flame coming from my hand became more fierce, as if there was some ethereal wind whipping it about.
This is kind of OP...
'Yes it is, John. Yes it is.' I swear I could feel Lavan smile.
We were interrupted by Twilight opening the door into the tower/library/room/ i don't even know what to call it anymore.
"Hi, John! Oh, looks like you finally figured out the theory behind your fire magic, then?" Wait the flame was just normal... OH MY GOD, MY ARM'S ON FIRE!
I didn't notice the flame because of my heat resistance ability, while the right arm of my shirt was completely burned off, slowly taking the chest area with it. Now, pay mind to the fact like that despite it not affecting me at all, I was still on fire.
"WATER! WATER! A BUCKET, A BATH! ANYTHING!" I was running around like a headless chicken while Twilight desperately tried to calm me down.
'JUST ABSORB THE FIRE BACK IN, YOU IDIOT!'
TOO BUSY PANICKING! Twilight was in hysterics now, both of us just screaming as I shook my arm up and down trying to stop the burning. "AAAAGHHHHH!" Twilight and I yelled in unison. Throwing the door open, I all but dived into the sink, running water over the flames which at this point had destroyed my entire shirt.
'Are you done fishing for brown eels? Lavan quipped, suppressing a laugh.
Then I realised: 'my arm is in a fucking toilet.' I promptly pulled my piss-water soaked arm from the porcelain throne, looming over it. I just stared for a few seconds at the contents.
Two Showers. One for the body, and one for the mind.
Two shitty showers later, (See what I did there?) Twilight seemed rather catatonic, shaking as she blushed rather cutely under the half-cover of her wings.
"John?"
"You alright Twi? You seem, umm..." To be honest the blushing and shaking confused me. I wasn't sure Hethersett he was scared, embarrassed or both.
"I, when you were in the shower, you let the door open... I-I saw your reproductive organ, it's perfectly natural. I mean, not to say that it's perfectly natural for me to stare, just that its perfectly natural for you to take it out when you're washing yourself." She let out a torrent of words, mumbling while her face turned flushed, the fur on her face going a deeper pink than I believed was possible. I'd never say it to her face, but she looks adorable when she's embarrassed.
My mouth gaped. What do you SAY to that? She didn't even give me feedback...
"I'm just going to go now." The Princess of Magic left the room, ruffling her feathers and swishing her tail all the while. "Bye!"
"Bye..." I was still somewhat stunned.
'That was awkward, yet funny as hell at the same time.'
I stayed quiet, contemplating about how my life got this weird.
'Twilight and Johnny, sitting in a tree, B-A-N-G-I-'
NO!
'Aww, I shipped you two as well. Could you reconsider?'
Maybe. If you're lucky.
'Well, until then, I'll project images of her flanks into your mind.'
Shut up... I need to think.
Lavan sniffled, 'Why do I get into these downright abusive relationships? Celestia turned me to stone... You tell me to be quiet... Maybe I should go on strike?'
How can you go on strike?
'I'll stop talking to you.'
Really? The silent treatment?
'...'
Great, now he's gone. Not like I needed him anyway.
'...'
----
Five days till my stay at the castle is finished.
Lavan is still quiet; Moonflower, despite her temporary job tutoring me about this whone guard ordeal, won't look at me for more than five seconds without getting annoyed; Twilight's back in Ponyville and Helix hasn't sent me a letter, or message of any kind.
I'm REALLY bored. Bored enough to start giving exposition about the world to both unknowledgable ponies, and Humans. I might as well ask Celestia for that trip to 'Eagleland', seriously, that's what the UK is now. It's capital is Talondon.
That's just a piss-take. Guess what else there is? Here are some renamed cities from Equestria alone: Fillydelphia, Las Pegasus, Chicagoat, Detrot, Neigh Orleans and New Pork. (New Pork and Chicagoat were founded by the species they sound lIke they were founded by.)
There's gotta be some influence on these names. No one just correctly chooses puns for their major cities and their countries. Not unless there is some temporal feedback from the past, influencing them.
The Geography of Earth is completely screwed: Mexicolt? (Mexico), Iram? (Iran and Iraq mashed together), Prance? (France). The list goes on.
Just what the fuck did Humans do to the world before we died out? Nuke each other? Get destroyed by Aliens? Find an uncurable Super-virus? Did we just leave the planet?
Did they create the new species'?
I need to know! If there's a way to stop the bad shit, I'll figure it out.
If there's one thing I'll do before I die. I'll save Humanity or find a way to go with them.
I looked down at Canterlot.
...Maybe even if it means Equestria never happens.
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Let the shit storm begin once again.
How does Rarity, Sweetie Belle, and/or Prince Blueblood sound like he/she "wants a corndog"?
That was Shining-armour
He could use illusion magic to skip out of the exercises!
My shipping sense is tingling!
Who would have thought that I was dead on like that in my last comment of the last chapter?
Wow, that's actually pretty dark. In a way he is planning genocide there!
While picking a princess I was expecting him to take a jab at Luna and Celestia by saying Twilight is the only one of the bunch that could possibly fathom what he is saying whenever he unloads scientific knowledge.
Moarplz
Yes plz. :)
I would suggest italics for John's inner monologue to Lavan.
Brother!
Why did his voice change color?
Funniest. Shit. Ever. Grade A, in my book.
Eagleland and New Pork City? You cheeky cheeky motherfucker.
Erm... if New Pork was founded by pigs then they're probably sapient.
Weren't you just eating bacon?...
7621008 don't care nom nom
:3 this pleases me
7621008
It might have been boars and pigs aren’t sapient
That , my friend is called marble phantasm
Statement: Click it meat bags.
Is he going to die in six books?
Oh man. Makes me wish I had a voice in my head almost.