3. War on Drugs
I glared down at the newspaper and slammed my right hoof down onto the table, getting only the faintest twinge of feeling in return.
Behind the Curtain: The Salacious Life of Equestria’s Brightest Star
Whatever was in there was true. Probably. I don’t think there were many things I hadn’t done, but… some parts of the last few years were really hard to remember. I sighed and rubbed my eyes with my other hoof, trying not to focus on the washed-out room around me or the dull ache in my chest where Joy used to go.
Just a hoofful of pills will bring the world back to life. Maybe you’ll even get to feel that pain in your hoof. What? Pain? I glanced at my hoof, and that… shouldn’t bend like that. I poked it with my bandaged hoof and felt barely a twinge. “Hello!” I shouted, looking for the button to call the nurse. Back on my bed. No way I was walking back there on this hoof. I might not be able to feel it now, but I probably would later. Weren’t they supposed to be giving me stuff to make the withdrawal less bad?
“They are,” Bright Lights said from the table across from me. “How do you think you’re able to stand without screaming in pain? To live for a single second without aching for the next hit of Joy with every fiber of your being? You think being numb is bad? Count your blessings.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “You’re being… less awful than usual. Why?”
She smirked, showing just a hint of sharpened teeth. Did I just imagine that? I guess I did. I imagined everything else about my hallucinations, right? “I just want to point out all the advantages you have before you break and go back to using. If you want to conjure up some other voices in your head, I could get a betting pool going.”
“That’s more what I expected,” I said, glaring at her and trying to balance on my back legs so I could walk to the bed without putting pressure on my bad hoof. Bad hooves. Step. Step. Step. “I’m not gonna go back, though. I’m… good. I don’t need Joy to be happy or whatever.”
“Really?” Bright Lights asked, trotting around to stay in front of me. Not that she really needed to. She could just move wherever she wanted. Or, I guess I was moving her. “Because from my point of view, the world looks awfully bleak. Trapped in a grey room with grey walls.” She held up a blue-grey hoof so I could get a better look at it. “Even I’m feeling washed out. Won’t a bit of Joy add some color to our lives? Make you feel like yourself again?”
“Go away!” I shouted, swinging my bandaged forehoof through her as I collapsed onto the bed and jammed the button as fast and hard as I could. “Nurse!” I shouted.
“Yes, Sweetie Belle?” a white unicorn asked, sounding like there was a mile of water between us. I held up my hoof for her.
“Oh, dear,” she said, trotting into the room to inspect it better. “What happened?”
“I kind of got mad at the newspaper and punched it. And the table. I, uhmm, didn’t even feel anything was wrong,” I said, trying to give her a little smile. “I guess I’m on some pretty good painkillers.”
She shook her head. “We wouldn’t give painkillers to a recovering…” Addict. “You’re on some medications to mute the withdrawal symptoms, but it shouldn’t cause numbness in the extremities to the level you described.” She sighed. “You know, if you could tell us all the pills you were on, we might be able to predict your withdrawal symptoms.”
“Sorry, I wasn’t really in charge of getting the drugs, just taking them when Bright Lights told me to.” And now you get to take drugs when the doctor tells you to. At least Bright Lights’ drugs made you feel good.
Shut up. We’re not thinking like that anymore.
But what would we do for another taste of Joy? Another taste of not being miserable?
I sighed. I already knew the answer. If they dropped a pill in front of me, it wouldn’t hit the ground. I looked back up to the nurse who was glaring off at something. “Yes, well, I’ll just go get the doctor so we can take care of your hoof.” She glanced back at the newspaper and floated it towards her. “And maybe no more newspapers for a while. You need to focus on getting better, not the rumors going around. We don’t want to jeopardize your recovery, right?” I growled. Why did I even bother trying to get better? Nopony was ever going to like me again, anyways.
Well, besides Scootaloo. And Rarity. Maybe. If she could ever forgive me for being so awful to her.
“Of course she won’t,” Bright Lights said from her new spot next to my bed. “You don’t deserve it. You deserve pain and loneliness.”
“Just shut up!” I shouted, rolling away from her. “It’s not like I want you here. Nopony wants you here, so just leave me alone!”
The nurse looked at me from the edge of the room. Were her eyes tearing up? I didn’t think you could be a nurse with such thin skin. “Sorry,” I said, sinking back into my bed. “I was talking to one of my hallucinations, not you.” That… Maybe I should just start lying about my hallucinations. It would make me sound less crazy, at least.
“Not likely,” Bright Lights said. I didn’t bother to respond.
“Yes, well… I’ll just get the doctor,” the nurse said, turning her familiar blue eyes away from me. Did she used to work in the Ponyville General Hospital? “Will you be fine on your own?”
I nodded at her and she walked out the door, leaving me alone. “I don’t want to talk to you,” I said, feeling Bright Light’s eyes on the back of my neck.
“Obviously, some part of you does, or I wouldn’t be here. Or did you forget how this works?” I clinched my eyes shut as tight as I could and imagined Bright Lights not being there. And kept imagining. And then imagined a little more.
“Sweetie Belle?” Dr. Grey Matter said. I opened an eye to look at him as he trotted into the room, the nurse following a few paces after him. “I understand your hoof’s injured,” he said, lightly gripping the injured hoof with his magic and bringing the tip of his horn down, letting his magic flow into my hoof. It felt… I don’t know, my whole forehoof was kind of numb, but the tingling from having broken a bone was replaced by a different slightly better type of tingling? Describing things is hard when everything feels like a bunch of different types of grey.
“That should have set and mended the bone, but… in the interest of caution, try to keep your weight off it for the next few days,” he said, inspecting his hoofwork with one eye. “And I’ll look through your list of medications to see if any of them could combine and cause the numbness you’re feeling. In the mean time, try not to attack any more tables.” Ugh, at least Scootaloo wasn’t here to worry over me. If she heard about this, she probably wouldn’t let me out of her sight again.
“Thanks for the advice,” I mumbled. “So… is there anything planned for today, or do I just get to spend all day in bed staring at the ceiling?” Maybe if I fell asleep early, I could have another talk with Luna.
The nurse nodded. “The therapist Princess Luna and your sister hired should be arriving in…” she glanced at the clock. “My goodness, just a few minutes, and I’m sure Scootaloo will be here shortly.” She paused and tilted her head. “If you’d like, I can write a letter to your sister; I’m sure she’d love to keep you company.”
I shook my head. “I can’t see her now. It’s… I’ve got so much apologizing to do, and… how can I look her in the eyes after how awful I was to her?”
“She’ll forgive you,” the nurse said, tilting her head. “At least, if she’s anything like my sister, she will. That’s what sisters do.”
“Maybe,” I said, bringing my bad hoof up to my face. “I know I’ll have to do it eventually, just… not yet.”
“Of course. Just let me know when you’re ready, and I’ll help you draft the letter,” she said as the doctor trotted back out of the room, his work finished. “And if you need anything else, I’m just a button press away.”
“Thanks,” I said, leaning back in my bed and staring up at the ceiling, as I listened to her receding hoofsteps. At least they gave me a friendly enough nurse. I yawned, trying to decide whether my tiredness was caused by my new sleeping habits or the withdrawal. Hopefully, the doctor wouldn’t take too long to get here.
♪♪♪
An eternity later, I was still staring at the stupidly-grey ceiling. Would one pill be so bad? Just so I could see colors that weren’t completely muted and hear things without sounding like my head had been shoved underwater. Just enough to feel normal again.
Ugh. How much longer was it going to take for the other doctor to get here? The nurse (I really needed to get her name) said it would be a few minutes, but instead, it had been – I glanced at the clock – only three minutes. Great, boredom was even more boring without Joy and the rest of the gang to keep my spirits up. I licked my lips. Just another taste, just enough to get through the day. It wasn’t addiction if I wasn’t over-using, right?
I think needing drugs just to get by is the definition of addiction, one of the less unpleasant voices in my head said. Besides, do we really want to give Bright Lights the satisfaction of being right?
Why not? She was right about everything else. Great, and now they were having a conversation completely without my input. Well, I guess that wasn’t true since they were still me. Technically. Hmm. Maybe I could create another pony to yell at Bright Lights so I didn’t have to. An angel to balance the devil on my shoulder.
“That’s great,” Bright Lights said from somewhere near me. I lolled my head over to see her sitting next to my bed. “Create enough voices, and you can just give up all personal responsibility. ‘It’s not my fault, I was just following orders.’ Not that I’m surprised, you were always better at doing what everypony else wanted instead of thinking for yourself. Would you like it if I started ordering you around again? Didn’t it feel good being on my leash?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I spent the last three years listening to you, and look how great that turned out.”
She laughed and flicked the tip of my horn. “This didn’t happen because you listened to me. It happened because you stopped listening to me. Thought you could do things on your own. Forgot just who made you.” She scowled as we transported back into the penthouse, a bottle of vodka floating next to me as I lounged on the couch, somepony I didn’t know sucking on my horn.
“I’m not giving you the part,” I said, shaking my head and causing the pony on my horn to yelp. Oops. “It’s mine. I earned it. You just… you’re jealous.”
Bright Lights laughed. “I’m jealous? How could I be jealous of my own pet?” She moved to stroke my mane. “Sweet puppy. Mother’s spoiled you too much. Spared the rod for too long. And now look at you, lazy and insolent and biting the hoof that feeds you.” Her smile shifted into a glare. “I spent the last three years building your star up, and now you need to return the favor. Don’t deny me again.”
“Why should I listen to you?” I asked, sitting up. This… this had already happened, hadn’t it? Break script, Sweetie. This is just another nightmare, all you have to do is wake up. “I don’t need anypony, I’m the… I’m the biggest star in Equestria, and you’re just my assistant. Everypony loves me, and nopony even knows who you are.” I pushed the other mare off me and got to my hooves, feeling the however-many drugs I was on pulsing through my veins. Joy. Breeze. Giddy-up. Extractin. Altone. Z-183. Sing. Sing. Sing. I was a colossus straddling Equestria. Who was she to oppose me? “I’m not your stupid puppy.”
“Very well,” Bright Lights said, straightening up to look me in the eye. “You think you can function without me? You think the masses will adore you when I’m not there to make you look good? We’ll just see about that.” She turned and stormed out of the apartment, leaving me back in a hospital bed.
“What the hay just happened?” I asked, looking at the brown stallion with a red tie staring down at me.
“Why don’t you tell me?” he said, extending a hoof out for me. “Oh, I’m Dr. Hooves, by the way. A pleasure to meet you, Sweetie Belle.”
“Hey, aren’t you that mad-scientist stallion? The one who brought those fireworks to Cranky’s wedding?” I asked. He didn’t exactly seem like the type of pony to be a therapist.
“No, no, that’s just ‘the Doctor.’ I, on the other hoof, am a licensed medical professional, who has the distinct misfortune of looking exactly like that imposter,” he said as we shook hooves.
“So… how does that work? You have the same coat color and cutie marks, and you’re both doctors. That seems like a pretty big coincidence,” I said, taking my hoof back.
“It’s… unlikely,” Doctor Hooves said. “But it’s been known to happen in a few cases. Something about genetic synchronicity.” He ran a hoof through his mane. “You know, after moving to Ponyville, I had to let my mane grow long and change the color of my tie just to separate the two of us. Obviously, he wasn’t about to change a thing. But enough about me. Tell me about you, Sweetie Belle.”
I frowned. That was a lot to condense down. Where would I even begin. “Well, I spent the last three years taking every drug I could, and now I’m sober and miserable. Oh! Plus there was a lot of sex.”
He nodded at me and pulled a notebook out of his saddlebags. “Yes, I read the accounts in the papers, I think I’m familiar with the rough outline. What we need to figure out is why that happened, and then implement strategies to prevent another lapse from happening again.”
“Oh?” I said, tilting my head. “So… are you going to ask me to tell you about my mother? Because that’s what you do in all the stories. Well, not you, but–”
“Yes, I understood your point, and no, we aren’t going to talk about your parents unless you want to. Honestly, it’s a little amazing that even a century later, when most ponies think of therapy, all they can think of is Sigmare Freud. We’ve moved past that as a profession. You don’t think most physicists are still fooling around with apples, do you?”
I shook my head. “No… I don’t…” I had no idea what physicists did, but probably not apples. Why would they do anything with apples besides eat them? “So what do therapists do then? You know, besides trying to fix crazy ponies.”
“I don’t like that word,” Doctor Hooves said. “‘Crazy.’ It’s a cheap way to dismiss another pony’s perspective, and marginalize them. I don’t think you’re crazy, Sweetie Belle.”
“Really?” I asked, my ears perking up. “Because right before you came in, I was arguing with a hallucination and then got transported into some weird dream flashback. I think that’s the definition of crazy.”
It is.
Shut. Up.
“Yes, well, I certainly wouldn’t say such things are healthy, just like I wouldn’t say a broken hoof is healthy. It’s a thing that needs to be treated. Now, I understand you’re on a regimen to deal with the more… neurological aspects of your condition?” he said, taking a seat next to the foot of my bed.
“I think that’s what Dr. Grey Matter and Princess Luna are for,” I said. “So… what are you here for?”
“So we can identify the negative behaviors that led you to this hospital room,” he said, taking his eyes from me to his notepad.
“Drugs. There, done,” I said, rolling my eyes. This really wasn’t that hard. Why did ponies even need therapists?
Hooves sighed. “And just why did you start taking drugs, Sweetie?”
“Because they made me feel good. That’s why, like, everypony takes them, right? You don’t do something if it makes you feel bad,” I said.
He made a quick note in his book. “That’s a very interesting philosophy. Why do you think I’m here, Sweetie? Why do you think I do what I do?”
I frowned and tapped a hoof on the bed, trying to think of an answer. “Do you think I enjoy seeing ponies in pain, Sweetie?”
“Well… no. You don’t seem like you do,” I said, seeing where he was heading. “But you like fixing ponies. You like seeing ponies who were hurting be happy.”
“You’re right, helping ponies is rewarding to me, Sweetie, but…” He trailed off, making a few notes. “I read a bit about you on the train ride over here. Not the gossip magazines. Your friends and family prepared statements for me about the events leading up to your departure from Ponyville, on the fear that you might be uncooperative during our initial sessions. Now…” He flipped through another folder and brought his hoof down on a page. “A statement by Diamond Tiara. She admitted to giving you your first alcoholic drink, and helping plan a party where you and your marefriends could drink freely. Is that right?”
I nodded, memories of a night drowned in alcohol bubbling up while I rubbed the back of my head. “Yeah… She didn’t mean anything, she just thought I’d like it. She was right.”
“Mhmm,” he said as more scribbling filled the air. How many notes was he going to take? “And were you happy before you started drinking?”
“Sometimes,” I said, frowning and tilting my head to look out the window. Why did we have to go through all the stuff I messed up on? I already knew I messed up. He didn’t have to remind me about it. “But sometimes, I wasn’t, and… if I wasn’t happy, maybe my friends wouldn’t want to be with me?”
Scootaloo, why do you like me?
You’re always happy.
“So, you did everything you could to be happy all the time,” he said, turning the page in his notes. “Your friends are important to you, aren’t they?”
“They were,” I said, biting the inside corner of my cheek. “I don’t know… I don’t think I have many friends anymore. Just Scootaloo, and I’m still not sure why. I was, like, the worst friend ever. I was terrible to her, and she just… she still wants to be my friend.”
“Then it seems you have at least one friend who will still support you if you aren’t constantly happy. In fact, it seems like she’ll support you through just about anything,” he said, causing me to lull my head over to look at him, a smile spreading on my lips.
“I guess you’re right,” I said. My smile quickly vanishing. “Can I tell you something?”
He nodded.. “I hope you will. It will make our sessions immensely easier if I don’t have to ferret every little bit of information out of you.”
“Well… don’t tell anypony this. You can’t tell anypony this, right?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Unless you tell me something that presents a danger to either yourself or others, no,” he said. That made sense, I guess. If I told him I was going to try and jump out a window or something, how could he live with it if I actually did it. Not that I was planning on doing any window jumping any time soon.
“It’s… I really tried to be happy for my friends, you know, but then when I thought they weren’t appreciating it enough – when they wanted me to tell them about how I really felt – I got upset with them for not appreciating what I was doing for them. So then, I stopped being happy with my friends, and get more upset with them for making me be not happy. It was… What are those things called? You know, like loops that make themselves worse?”
“Vicious cycle,” he said. “So you’d get angrier and angrier with your friends, and then you’d turn to drink or drugs to feel better?”
“Yeah…” I nodded. “I think it was around Hearth’s Warming where Bright Lights first told me about Joy. It was also around then she started saying the only way I could be happy was if I stopped caring about my friends.” I shook my head. “I was so mad at them, I forgot the only reason I wanted to be happy in the first place was to keep my friends happy.”
I tapped my good forehoof against the side of my bed. “So, is that it? Are we done? I messed up because I forgot about the magic of friendship and started being selfish, and that just made me miserable. We’ve solved the problem, right?”
He laughed. “No, Sweetie, I’m afraid we’re nowhere near ‘done’. We discovered one of your problematic world views. Even if it was the only one, we’d still need weeks of counselling to actually correct it. Medicine doesn’t end at the diagnosis; otherwise, you would have been cured the moment your doctor said your forehoof was broken.”
I winced and looked at the offending hoof. “I guess you have a point. So…” I trailed off, not sure how to end the thought.
“Yes, so, you turned to drugs because you saw it as the only way to stay happy when your facade started crumbling,” Doctor Hooves said. “Because you’d prioritized being happy as the greatest possible good.” He paused and made another note. “Or was it because you didn’t want to deal with what was making you unhappy?”
I shrugged. “Can’t it be both? It feels like it was probably both. I mean… I’m still not sure what was making me unhappy. I just remember feeling like unless I was happy every second of every day, the ponies I cared about most were going to leave me.”
“I see,” he said as he made more notes. “And when you were drinking or on drugs, were your fears of abandonment as bad?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head and trying to scoot up a little so I was more sitting than lying in bed. “I usually felt pretty okay when… I felt great when I was on Joy the first few dozen times, and even when I’d started getting used to it… I still didn’t really worry about anything. Then, when Bright Lights added more drugs to the mix, it got even harder to think about bad thoughts. As long as I did what she told me to, I felt great.”
“See, Sweetie, even you have to admit I’m not all bad,” the hallucinatory Bright Lights said from the opposite side of my bed. “When you’re with me, you get everything you want, and all I ask is your total unwavering obedience. Not that terrible a deal, is it? I’m sure if you came to me hat-in-hoof, begging for forgiveness, I could be persuaded to restore you to your old lifestyle.”
“I think I’ll pass,” I mumbled before closing my eyes and willing her away. I turned back to Doctor Hooves. “Sorry, I’ve been seeing a hallucinatory Bright Lights a lot lately, and whenever I mention her, she just can’t miss the opportunity to show up and annoy me.”
He glanced away for a second. “Yes, well, I’m afraid I can’t offer any helpful advice on dealing with the actual hallucinations until I’m more familiar with the nature of your condition. But, on the other hoof, the fact that you are able to correctly identify them as hallucinations is a good sign, so… that will have to be enough for now. Now, let’s go back to talking about that year at Princess Luna’s Academy. By all accounts, it was a rather momentous year for you.”
“Yeah,” I said, thinking back to the two seasons leading up to that Hearth’s Warming. Up until it got bad, it was pretty good. “I became omniscient and got trapped in a time loop, and that was just in the first week of school.” He raised an eyebrow at me. “Yeah, I think this is going to take the rest of the hour.”
♪♪♪
A brush combed through my mane as somepony else put my makeup on. “Sweetie, you can do this,” a vaguely pony-shaped yellow blur said. Who were they? I… We were back behind one of the stages, getting ready for a show.
“But Bright Lights didn’t…” I nodded off for a second as the haze of whatever drugs Bright Lights had given me rolled through my mind. “She does all that stuff for me.”
“And she’s not here right now, is she?” the pony, definitely a stallion, said. “And what if she’s not here when you need to change illusion spells? You don’t want to walk home looking like Green Hoof, do you?”
I shook my head. “No, but… she wouldn’t just abandon me. She does everything for me, she… Without her, I wouldn’t have…” My pills. I needed my pills at just the right time at just the right dosage, otherwise, the cold sweats and the nightmares started up. The pills that took away the nightmares were almost as important as the Joy. Almost.
“It’s a simple spell; any unicorn can do it with some training. Just find the spell matrix wrapped around you, cut a few key lines in the grid, and any illusion cast on you will dissolve,” he said. Was he the art director? That seemed right. “Just try not to break any of the other illusion spells on stage. They’re a bit harder to restore. Now, are you ready to give it a try?”
I nodded and reached into myself with my magic, feeling the hums of magical energy moving through me and shooting out into the world through my horn and hooves. Around me, I could feel the tingle of the spell he’d cast on me, dying my coat green and my mane purple. Or purple-er. I wrapped my own magic around the spell grid, pulled, and–
“Bum-bum-bum-bum.” The four notes woke me from the dream I’d fallen into after the doctor left, and my eyes focused on Scootaloo, who was sitting at the table in my hospital room.
“What did you say?” I asked, heart thudding in my chest as my mouth tasted metal.
We hate you, Sweetie.
Are those really my friends?
Bright Lights laughed. “Twisting your friends into the monsters you dream of. Even when you’re trying to be good, you still ruin everything. At least with me, the only pony you hurt was yourself.”
A bolt zapped out of my horn and bounced off the floor where my hallucination had been standing just a second earlier. At least it managed to get rid of her.
“Are you alright?” Scootaloo asked, undeserved sympathy in her eyes. I glared at her.
“What did you say?” I asked, not bothering to answer the obvious question.
“Nothing,” she said, trotting to take a seat next to my bed. “Just had a song stuck in my head these last few days. You ever wake up humming a few bars of a song you can’t quite remember?”
“Sometimes,” I said, swallowing down my fear. And sometimes, I’m the pony who gets the songs stuck. At least Luna will be here tonight, so I can talk to her.
“Right, so it’s nothing. What’s the big deal? Was I humming one of your songs?” More than you know.
“Probably, just… one I didn’t think I’d hear again.” New topic. Now. I quickly forced a smile for her before letting it die. No more fake smiles. “When did you get here?”
“A few minutes ago. You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to bother you. Rainbow Dash always says it should be illegal to interrupt a good nap,” she added with a grin.
“Sorry,” I said. “I guess talking to Dr. Hooves tired me out more than I thought.”
“Hey, don’t worry about it. I spent two days sitting next to you while they detoxed your system; I can spend a few hours waiting for you to wake up after a rough night. Didn’t sleep well?”
I laughed. “For some reason, I’ve been having some pretty bad nightmares. Any idea why?”
Thank Celestia, she laughed at my dumb joke. Maybe she didn’t find it funny, but at least she played along. At least for a second, she didn’t have that look in her eyes that everypony had been giving me since I woke up.
Just take a few pills, and you won’t care about their pity anymore.
“So, what do you want to do today? The doctors were okay with letting you walk around the hospital for a bit under supervision, but then you had to break your foreleg. Seriously, what was up with that?” Scootaloo asked. And the look was back again. Poor crazy Sweetie Belle.
“Did you see the front page this morning?” I asked, pushing the remote to tilt my bed up.
“Oh,” Scootaloo said, hard realization replacing concern.
“Yeah,” I said, scooting my flank back so I could properly sit up in my hospital bed. How many days did we spend just lying in bed, so out of our heads we couldn’t feel anything? You’re, like, the worst subconscious ever. Wouldn’t it be nice to do that again? To just not care about everything we’ve done?
Celestia, help me, it would. After the last few days, just a few hours of not caring about anything but the ceiling fan would be heaven.
“Stop it, Sweetie,” Rarity said from behind Scootaloo. “You know you’re better than that.”
“No, I’m not,” I said. “If I was, I wouldn’t have done it in the–”
“Stop. Talking. To. Yourself.” Scootaloo said, jumping between me and my (hallucinatory) sister. “Whatever she’s saying to you, just ignore it.”
“Rarity’s telling me not to take any more drugs,” I said, a tiny giggle getting stuck in my throat.
Scootaloo laughed too. “Maybe… maybe listen to that one.” She shook her head. “So… the hallucinations are still pretty bad?”
I nodded. “Sometimes I get Rarity, though, so… it’s nice seeing her again. And she’s not mad at me, either, just encouraging me to be better. Definitely better than Bright Lights.”
“Sounds like it,” Scootaloo said, glancing away from me for a second. What did I do wrong this time? Besides having crazy hallucinations and spending the last three years trying to drug myself into oblivion. Oh, and dating the worst mare in Equestria. “So… do you want to see your sister again? It’s kind of taking a royal order from Princess Luna to keep her from being here right now.”
“I can’t,” I said, shaking my head. “I… You know, she was the best big sister ever, and I didn’t… I was so awful to her. What can I say to make it up to her? Why would she ever want to see me again?” Because she’s your sister.
“She’s your sister,” Scootaloo said, mirroring my own thoughts. “Do you know how many letters she sent me asking about you? She’s rented a hotel room in Manehattan for the next few months, and she’s just waiting for the okay to come see you. We all… I don’t know how many times I have to say we don’t care about what you did, but it’s true. All we want is to see you get better.” I winced. Of course she did. That’s what friends wanted, right? In another life, I knew the answer.
“You’re right,” I mumbled. “I guess… in a few days, when everything’s not so washed out, we can have her visit.” I sighed. “And then she can give me the same look everypony else is.” The look you give to wounded animals.
“What look?” Scootaloo asked, like she didn’t know the answer.
“That one,” I said, pointing a hoof at her. “Like just being in the same room as me hurts. Between you, Princess Luna, and the nurse, I think the only pony who likes spending time with me is the doctor. Hooves, not Grey Matter.” That wasn’t true; Luna was usually alright, just strict.
“I… It’s not easy for us, Sweetie. You’re my best friend, and to see you here and hurting… Sorry I can’t smile and pretend to be happy about it.” I winced at her words and she saw her mistake. “That’s… You know what I mean.” I nodded. It wasn’t fair of me to hold a grudge against her for anything, and sulking would just make things worse. I did it anyways.
“You’re right,” I said, giving a yawn and stretching. “I know exactly how hard it is to pretend to be happy, so if being here hurts, you can go home.” I know, she was coming here for me, but… If her being near me hurts her, she shouldn’t be near me. That’s an easy enough solution.
“Sweetie, she is here to see you. To support you. If being uncomfortable for a while is what it takes to help a friend, then that’s what she’ll do. It’s a small price to pay to see you get better,” Rarity said, entering the conversation again. “She doesn’t want to be happy while you’re suffering; she wants the both of you to be happy again.”
“And what about you?” I asked, ignoring the look Scootaloo gave me.
Instead of getting an answer, she just faded into nothing. Stupid hallucinations, staying when I wanted them to go and disappearing when I actually needed them. I guess she couldn’t have given me a real answer, anyways. Hallucinations couldn’t tell you what their real-life counterparts actually thought, right?
“Sorry,” I mumbled into my chest. “I… thank you for being here, but can I be alone right now? My mood’s not good for anypony right now, and I don’t want to accidentally take anything out on you. I’ll talk to you more tomorrow.”
“But I just got here,” Scootaloo said. “Look, I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to help, so just tell me what I can do, and I’ll do it.”
“You can make the last three years go away,” I said. “Take me back to the moment before I met Bright Lights.” I sighed. Not that that would help. I’d still be just as dumb and broken as I was before that. At least Bright Lights had shown me how useless I was. “If you can’t do that…” I sighed. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be anymore. I can’t go back to being the filly I was before, I don’t want to go back to being that mare again, so… what am I supposed to do? I need some time to think things over, and… could you just go? Please?”
She stood on her hooves and trotted over to the door. “You can get back there if you want to, but… I’ll see you tomorrow?” she asked at the threshold.
“I wouldn’t miss it,” I said, giving a small smile. “Sorry for being so grumpy.”
Scootaloo met my smile with one larger. “Hey, it’s cool. Better than you trying to be happy all the time. If something’s upsetting you, I’d rather you talk about it then just bottle it up and smile. And hey, if you need some time alone to think things through… I guess I can understand that. I’ll see you tomorrow. Let me know if you figure something out.”
♪♪♪
I sat in the blue nothingness of the Dreaming, nothing figured out at all. Ugh. Figuring out how to completely rebuild yourself was a lot harder than it sounded. “It’s hard to figure out what you are, until you establish what you’re not,” Princess Luna said, trotting out of the mist towards me.
“How did you hear my thoughts?” I asked, frowning. Dream logic, probably.
“You were thinking loudly,” she said, shrugging as she sat down next to me. “But I think I misspoke when I was advising you. We know who you are at your core, we’re just not sure how you can express it healthily.”
“I’m not sure,” I said, closing my eyes and willing the world to shift back to my bedroom in Ponyville. The bedroom in the Boutique, not the one in my parents’ house. “I thought I was about being happy, but I spent the last three years doing everything I could to be happy, and that didn’t go so well.” And that was the understatement of several centuries.
“Perhaps, but… might I be allowed to speak my mind?” Princess Luna asked. “I know I don’t know you as well as your friends do, but I’ve also been privileged to see your innermost dreams.” And nightmares. “And the one constant in them is a concern for your friends… or perhaps it’s a concern for how your friends perceive you. Either way, I believe a concern for those around you makes for a decent core.”
“It worked out so well for me before,” I said, flopping down onto my bed. “I lived and died on my friends’ words, until I didn’t, and then everything went bad. I can’t go back to just caring about my friends’ happiness. I don’t think that’s much better than just being concerned with my own happiness.”
Princess Luna laughed and shook her head. “No, I don’t think either extreme is preferable. When you think a pony’s happiness is so important that it justifies another’s suffering, disaster is sure to follow. You got to experience both of them firsthoof.”
“Right,” I said. “So I can’t care about my friends because that makes me kind of crazy and miserable, and I can’t care about myself because that makes me a different type of crazy and miserable. Then I tried not caring about anything, and…” I closed my eyes. “Actually, that one would be okay. Just for a few hours so I can feel okay, you know?”
She nodded. “I can understand the appeal, but just shutting down isn’t the solution to any of your problems. Retreating to a world of inner fantasy has an undeniable appeal, but it’s a siren’s call.” She tapped a hoof and the world shifted to the penthouse, with sleeping ponies discarded on the floor and a musk filling the room. “For what was this but the fantasy you constructed for yourself?”
“Alright,” I said, drawing us back into my room. “So, what do I do, then? Because right now, I just have a big list of things I can’t or shouldn’t do.”
“That’s a question you must answer on your own, but I’d advise you to expand and try new things. You’ll find the perfect fit eventually, just… I’d caution you against extremes. They are so very rarely welcoming,” Princess Luna said, sitting next to my bed as the unfelt wind continued to blow her mane and tail.
“So, try new things and don’t get carried away with it?” I asked, closing my eyes as a familiar tune broke into the dream.
“Hush, Sweetie, and dream a dream of all the things tomorrow will bring,” a familiar voice called. Rarity hadn’t sung this song for me since I was a filly.
“You know, I’d almost completely forgotten this song, but I guess my subconscious or some part of me still remembers it perfectly. Crazy how that works.” I smiled mostly to myself. “Rarity always used to sing this for me when I had trouble sleeping.”
“Yes,” Luna said, frowning and tapping her hoof to the tune. “Except this song isn’t a part of the Dreaming. It’s solid and unyielding, a product of the physical realm.”
I shook my head. “No, that can’t be right. Nopony knows this song but my sister and me, and that…” She was in Manehattan; maybe she snuck into the hospital room? “How good is the security for my room?”
“Every paparazzi in Equestria is clamoring for a shot of you. I’ve sent my finest covert agents to every hospital in Manehattan to keep possible interlopers away,” she said. “Listen, Sweetie, before you wake up to investigate, you need to know–”
“Right,” I said, closing my eyes and focusing all my attention on them. “Focus on the dream and your closed eyes, and then open them up wide, right? You said even regular dreamers can do it.”
“Yes, but Sweetie, that’s not what I meant to tell–”
My eyes snapped open as the dream broke, bringing me to the dark hospital room where a shadow stood at the foot of my bed, still singing its song. I strained to make out more of her in the dark, but only saw suggestions of color and shape. “Who’s there?” I asked, lighting up my horn and switching the room’s lights on as the song came to a sudden halt.
The white unicorn standing in front of me wasn’t my sister. She could almost pass for her, with her white coat and blue eyes, but last time I checked, my sister didn’t have a red cross for a cutie mark. “Why are you singing in my room in the middle of the night?” I asked the nurse as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.
She chuckled to herself. “I’m sorry, I was here to check your monitors, and you know, when I’m all alone on these long night shifts, I tend to hum to myself. I feel simply terrible for disturbing you.”
I frowned at her. That seemed almost plausible, except– “You were singing the lullaby my sister used to sing to me,” I said. The lullaby my sister made.
“Well, I suppose our sisters have similar tastes,” she said, stepping back to the door. “I’m really terribly sorry for disturbing you. Go back to sleep, Sweetie.”
My magic shut the door before she could make her escape. “There’s something about you that doesn’t add up,” I said. “I know nurses are supposed to care about their patients, but...” I narrowed my eyes at her and reached out with my magic. Was I really that dumb? Obviously. The last three years were plenty of proof that my dumbness couldn’t be overestimated. If I had half a brain, I would’ve seen that Bright Lights was bad, but instead… I shook my head. There it was, the familiar magical runes of an illusion spell. One snip with my magic and–
The false cutie mark vanished, instantly replaced by the familiar three diamonds, and her red tail went purple, although it was still way shorter than my sister’s. “Why did you cut your tail?” I asked my sister.
“Oh… you know, short tails are so ‘in’ this season, how could I pass up the opportunity?” she said, giving up any pretense of being the nurse. There was a pause as we both stared at each other, waiting, unsure of what was about to happen... and then, she was on me, forehooves wrapped around me. “Oh, Sweetie, I’m so sorry, I should’ve been a better– I should have been better. Should have been there for you from day one, I should have never let my parents– I should have been firmer with you, been better with you during those first few years instead of focusing on my dresses, and–” Her tears sank into my coat. “Can you ever forgive me for being so awful?”
That was it? No anger? No resentment? Just sobbing and begging me for forgiveness? “I thought you hated me,” I said, returning her hug as the first tears stung my eyes. “The entire time I was in Manehattan, and I never heard from you, I thought… I thought what I’d done was so awful that you couldn’t even stand to talk to me.”
I felt her growl in the fur of my chest. “Oh, I wrote, Sweetie. I wrote at least once a week, but apparently, Miss Bright Lights kept those letters from you. I only found out through Mother and Father.” Oh yeah, they did visit me, didn’t they? I remembered Bright Lights filling me up with Joy and then the rest of the day was kind of... Wait? Bright Lights did what now?
“You mean you...?” It was my turn to sob and bury my face in her coat. “I’m so sorry, Rarity, I should have never dated her. I just… she seemed so sweet and nice and I thought she was making me happy, but instead she was just making me… If I’d known what she’d do, I never would have said hi to her,” I said. “How can you look at me and not hate me?”
There was a short, hoarse laugh as she pulled away, a tiny smile playing on her lips as mascara dripped down her cheeks. “I could never hate you, Sweetie, you’re my– you’re my sister. No matter what you do, no matter how vehemently I might disagree with your actions, I could never hate you. All that matters to me right now is that you’re with me again, and that you’re safe. Everything else can wait.”
“So,” I said, wiping my tears with a forehoof, “why did you disguise yourself as a nurse? That’s… I think that’s at least a little odd.”
She nodded and smiled, taking a seat next to my bed. “I suppose it is. After the penthouse and Luna’s involvement, she decided it would be best if we didn’t expose you to your old life too quickly. I refused to be cut out of your life for these first few days, so… we reached a compromise.”
Wait, so there was a whole council of ponies planning my rehabilitation? And they didn’t want to let my sister see me? I rubbed the back of my head. Sure, I didn’t want to see her, but that was only because I didn’t want her to see how awful I’d become. That ponies were trying to keep her from me? “Who didn’t want you to see me?” I asked.
“Nopony,” Rarity said, sighing and running a hoof through my mane like I was a filly again. I didn’t complain. “They all thought we should see each other, they just didn’t think… Your recovery is of the utmost import to all of us, and we didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize it. I hated the idea, but once I saw how terribly things had degraded, how close you’d come to total oblivion… Scootaloo told me how you were throwing yourself against the glass in the penthouse and babbling about needing to meet your fans.” I winced. I did do that, didn’t I? Wow. Drugs are bad. I mean, they can be fun, really fun, but definitely bad. Especially when you try and take all of them at once. “Well, I agreed that a deft touch might be better, and agreed to this charade until you were ready to see me. Or until you figured out the truth yourself, I suppose.”
I rubbed the back of my head. “Heh, I feel…” She knew how I felt. Maybe we could talk about something lighter. “So, you and Twilight are…”
She laughed at that. “You did read the papers, I see,” she said. Well… no, I hadn’t read a paper since… before this morning, I hadn’t read a newspaper ever, but I wasn’t about to tell her I could see her dreams. “I was worried that might happen. But yes, Twilight and I have been dating – excuse me, courting – for the last year or so, and it’s been utterly wonderful. Thanks to her, I wake up every morning feeling almost invincible, and it’s… I never knew a relationship could be so fulfilling. I dare say, I don’t know how I’d have made it through these past few seasons without her constant support. The morning the story about you broke, poor Twilight had to spend the whole day dealing with my fits of sobbing and absolute rage directed towards Miss Bright Lights. If not for Twilight, there’d quite possibly be one less pony in Equestria.”
I smiled at the image of Rarity tracking down Bright Lights and doing… very un-generous things to her. “You know I wasn’t who your sister was talking about, right?” Bright Lights said from opposite Rarity. I closed my eyes and ignored her away. I didn’t need to listen to that. What did she even know, anyways?
“Are you alright?” Rarity asked as I kept my eyes shut, willing Bright Lights away with every fiber of my being. She wasn’t about to ruin my reunion with my big sister.
“I’m fine,” I said, reopening my eyes and seeing that Bright Lights had gone back to the little corner in the back of my brain she called home. “Just…” I pointed a hoof at my head. “You know, crazy issues.”
She patted my mane. “Now, Sweetie, you’re not crazy. You have some… issues, certainly, but you’re still here and your wits still seem about you, you just have some health issues.” Like having hallucinations talk to me.
“Thanks,” I said, trying to give her a smile. “So… are you living in her castle? Dating a princess sounds pretty fun.”
“You know, her princesshood has been… a very small factor in our relationship. I think I might prefer things if she was just a librarian and I a dressmaker,” she laughed. “And that’s a sentence I never imagined myself saying. Still, I do enjoy the perks of dating a princess, like being able to take a several-month vacation and stay in the finest hotel in Manehattan. The ability to be there for you when you need me makes it worth it, I suppose.”
“Come on,” I said, my fake smile turning real. “I bet there are a few more things you like about dating a princess. You are still my sister, aren’t you?”
She blinked and took a moment to nod. “Yes… Yes, I am, of course, and I suppose there are a few other perks to the position. Ooh, the lessened workload is rather nice, although I suppose that’s not really a direct result of dating a princess. The nobles bowing to me, now that’s nice. Maybe a bit petty, but seeing Jet Set and Upper Crust pay their respects to me after so thoroughly disparaging my work creates a feeling of… what’s the Germane word? Schadenfreude? I believe that’s what Twilight called it.” Her eyes lit up. “Ooh, Sweetie, you won’t believe how much Ponyville has changed these last few years. It’s turned into quite the little metropolis, with a fresh ring of buildings surrounding Old Town.” She frowned and cocked her head. “Applejack isn’t too pleased about the town encroaching on her farm, and more ponies grumble about monopolies with every cider season, but beyond that… Yes, when you come back to Ponyville, I’ll have to give you the grand tour.”
“Wait, what makes you think I’m coming back to Ponyville?” I asked. “I’m not even out of the hospital yet, and you’re already acting like you know exactly what I’m going to do? What if I want to stay in Manehattan?”
“Well, you’re free to do what you want, and of course, I’ll support you, I just thought you might like to spend some time away from this city considering everything that’s happened. Ponyville has a rapidly growing music scene these days, and you’d be a welcome addition to it. If you have other plans… You’re a grown mare, now, you don’t have to listen to me.”
And instantly, I went from anger to feeling terrible. Of course she wanted what was best for me, she was my sister. When did I start getting angry every time somepony disagreed with me?
About three years ago.
Oh, right. Yeah… Oh, Sweetie, you’re so smart and perfect, you shouldn’t listen to what anypony else says and just do what you want. I’ll even help you as long as you do what I want. How did I ever fall for that? I bounced my head against the pillow a few times. Maybe when I was better, Rarity and I could go on a trip to hunt down Bright Lights and do… not kill her, but definitely do something unpleasant. You know, to balance out for her ruining the last three years of my life.
Somepony laughed next to me. “I didn’t do anything, Sweetie. I showed you the path, but you were all too happy to lead yourself down it.” Great, and now Bright Lights was back. I closed my eyes again.
“One minute,” I said to my sister, “I just have to get rid of one of my hallucinations real fast. Everything’s fine, though.” There was no response, but I could practically hear her say something about how if everything was fine, I wouldn’t be having hallucinations in the first place, which… yeah. That’s true. Still, things were as fine as they could be.
“I’ll leave to give you this little moment, but just remember, Sweetie. Every little failing, every weakness that brought you down so low, that’s on you. I just… enabled you. You wanted Joy, I got you Joy. I never forced you to do anything,” Bright Lights said as I felt her go back into my head.
“Right, she’s gone. You know, the absolute worst part about all this is I have a version of Bright Lights in my head that just won’t be quiet. You’d think I wouldn’t have to deal with her after she left me, but... “ I laughed and shook my head. “At least I’m getting kind of good at banishing her for a few minutes.” Maybe. Or maybe she just chooses to disappear for a few minutes. I’d need to talk with Princess Luna about that.
“You’ll forgive me if I’m less than enthused about that,” Rarity said, her voice freezing. She wasn’t mad at me. She wasn’t mad at me. She wasn’t mad at me. Just mad. Because of things I’d done. If she doesn’t hate you, she should.
“Yeah,” I said, frowning and looking away from my sister. “Sorry, I… I shouldn’t have–”
“Nonsense,” Rarity said. “I’m glad you’re sharing things with me, I just wish… Well, I wish things hadn’t gone so terribly. I wish you had never met Bright Lights, but I’m not upset with you, and I’m glad you’re telling me all this. Twilight and Princess Luna said communication is key in your recovery, and I happen to agree, so if you have anything on your mind, just say it and I’ll listen without judgment.”
“Great,” I said before chewing on my cheek. “Do you think… Do you think we can stop talking about what happened to me for–” Ever. “For at least a little while?” I sighed and my head sunk deeper into the pillow. “It’s bad enough I’m stuck in this hospital bed, so it would be nice if we could talk about things outside it.”
“As you wish,” Rarity said, giving a smile. She hmmed for a few seconds, thinking. “Well, I could always tell you about– Ooh! Yes, I know. Did you hear Applejack and Rainbow Dash got married? It was fall of last year, they had it set for the conclusion of the harvest season, because otherwise Applejack would be far too stressed out, and Sweetie, it was an absolutely massive wedding. I think every Apple in Equestria showed up for it.” She closed her eyes for a second. “It’s a good thing they’re both brides, otherwise the groom’s party would have been completely eclipsed.”
My lips turned up as my eyes drifted to stare at the ceiling. “How’s Rainbow Dash liking being an Apple?”
“She’s taken to it quite well,” Rarity said. “Oh yes, when she’s not on weather duty or practicing, she’s always helping Applejack with whatever needs doing.”
“So… she’s never on the farm,” I said, laughing. “Unless she’s really cut down on her practicing hours.”
“Actually, she has,” Rarity said. “It seems she found something more important to her than being a Wonderbolt. Or at least, as important.”
“And what’s that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Why, unlimited access to Apple Family Cider,” Rarity said. “Their own private label, even. Do you know her first choice of honeymoon location was the family’s traditional cider distillery?”
“You know, I don’t think I liked alcohol that much, and I… I liked it a lot,” I said. Like. Liked. What’s the difference?
“No,” Rarity said, still smiling. It was the first time anypony’d talked about what happened to me without getting that look in their eye. “Maybe it’s time we consider an intervention for Equestria’s newest Apple. What do you think, Sweetie?”
“If it gets me out of this hospital, I’m pretty much up for anything.” We both laughed at that, and the smiling didn’t stop until some time after Celestia rose the sun.
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... I don't know how to feel, other than that sweetie will probably end up like octi on the alcohol deal. Probably...
My brother used to say he didn't have a drinking problem -they sold drinks everywhere. What he had was a sober problem because they didn't sell that anywhere.
When young, Sigmund Freud recommended Cocaine to treat Morphine addiction. (Modern thought is you end up w 2 problems for the price of 1). The scandal almost wrecked his career.
Sneaky Rarity!
Good to see them sharing moments. And no, Dash doesn't have a problem!
To quote the dwarves of Azeroth:
"I don't have a drinkin' problem! I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!"
Great chapter once again. Glad you're updating so frequentl–
Wait no, I can't just comment that, I have to complain or else everybody'll think you're my favourite writer on this site! (which you are, totally)
That description is only relevant to the readers. The doctor wouldn't be most well known for that.
I was also gonna complain about something else, but I forgot, so yeah.
I got such a weird picture in my head, there.
pre13.deviantart.net/c2ae/th/pre/f/2012/118/c/2/rarity_derp_eyes_by_c_h_loboguerrero_c-d4xnd4i.png
This fic... Yet another Distaff Pope story which does not disappoint at all. The entire fic reminds me of Showbiz, by Muse for some reason. Dunno what that is? Take a listen, here:
Sweetie and Rarity's talk did not disappoint.
6683003 Do you think there's any chance in hell Rarity wouldn't find a way to be there for her... Sweetie.
6683495 Just wait, there's a better one coming up.
6683394 What? I'm your favorite writer on the site? Well, I'm flattered, but I think there are a lot of really talented writers on here who are better. As for the other thing, I think it's reasonable that Sweetie's primary experience with him would be at the wedding. They don't exactly run in the same circles.
6682331 Wait? Are you saying Sweetie DOESN'T have a drinking problem? Because I'm not saying she's an alcoholic, I think once she sorts out her emotional baggage, she'll be able to have a drink without over indulging, but she definitely has a problem with it right now.
6683796
Well, I wouldn't say your stories are the best on the site (dammit, now it looks like I'm insulting you), but I definitely enjoy reading them the most. There's something about your prose that just drags me in and makes it really fun to read.
6684006 Well, I'll take it. I like having fun interesting prose, it makes up for my trouble coming up with incredibly intricate plots.
Sweetie doesn't have a drinking problem, she has a sober problem. (As in "can't handle it")
Somebody or other once said "I started drinking to drown my problems. The trouble was, they learned to swim"
6685234 Well, she has to deal with sobriety now, because there's no chance in Tartarus that Rarity and Scootaloo are going to let her relapse (Although Sweetie can be remarkably clever when she applies herself).
Moving on to other subjects. How can Sweetie be her own worst enemy if Bright Lights is still alive?
Maybe the title should be Second Worst Enemy
6685800
Interesting story
Is there a chance you will continue this very soon?
6695866 Well, I mean, I just uploaded a chapter four days ago. Uhmm, if you want some filler and a tiny glimpse into what Sweetie's future might be like, Only in Manehattan takes place during the events of Your Own Worst Enemy and gives you an outside glimpse at Sweetie.
6695957
Oh. Thousands of apologies, I just happened to see this story while I was searching for something to read, I didn't know when was the last chapter uploaded,
Sorry
6696739 It's fine, and anyways, this story is probably going to update one to two times a month.
6696822
Well it's unfortunate how things turned out for Sweetie. I hope that bitch's gonna get what she deserves for what she did to her.
I can see this is gonna be reaaally loooong. I hope you will close this storyline with this story, at least with a good(happy) ending.
But at least in this, ponies don't want to kill each other xd
6698470 Yeah, I have a hard time dealing with the concept of murderous ponies. And this story does close out Sweetie's arc. Won't say how, though for hopefully obvious reasons.
Well the reunion of Rarity and Sweetie was very well done I think. Brought a tear to my eye. I can just see Rarity singing to a sleeping Sweetie Belle.