Your Own Worst Enemy

by Distaff Pope

4. Beyond the Pleasure Principle

I thunked my head against the table and did my best to carve a groove in it with my horn. “Can I please go home? If I have to spend any more time in this hospital, I’ll go crazy… Crazier.”

“That’s what we’re all working towards, Sweetie,” Doctor Hooves said as I heard the sound of him shuffling papers. “I think we’ve made tremendous progress over the last few weeks, but…”

“You don’t want to jeopardize my recovery,” I said, glad he couldn’t see me rolling my eyes. “But I need to get out of here. To feel the sun on my coat, feel the wind in my face, to be somewhere that isn’t this stupid hospital. Look, I’m going to be released into either my sister or Scootaloo’s custody, so if one of them are going to be looking over me all the time anyways, what’s the problem? You’ll still be stopping by to do therapy stuff, I’ll still have a guardian to make sure I don’t relapse, Princess Luna will still be keeping an eye on my dreams.” And training me, but I wasn’t supposed to mention that. “The only thing that’ll change is that I won’t be stuck in a hospital anymore.” Instead, I’d be stuck in an apartment. “Please?”

I looked up at him, pleading for any kind of mercy while he made scratchings in his folder. I’d learned a while ago that most of his writings were less notes and more ramblings that looked like notes to buy time while he thought of something to say. “We’d have to implement a few safety precautions, to minimize any risk to yourself, but...” I shuddered as my mind summoned the image of a window cracking and a mare falling. “But if all could be done, I’d have no problem releasing you into your sister’s custody.” He smiled at me. “I’ll make my recommendations to Princesses Luna and Twilight, and we’ll proceed from there. Now, have you given any thought to what we discussed yesterday?”

“There isn’t much to do here besides think,” I said, frowning as I recalled yesterday’s session. It was about my parents.

“And?”

“And I guess there might be a connection between the way my parents…” Abandoned you. “Spent most of their time vacationing, and my fear that my friends would leave me, but I don’t like it.”

“Why is that?” he asked, making actual notes this time. We’d spent so much time together, I could tell the difference between fake notes and real notes.

“Because they’re my parents. I can’t… I can’t just say they were awful. Sure, they maybe weren’t around much, but I always had stuff. They got me big Hearth’s Warming and birthday gifts, and I never… They didn’t starve me. I had whatever stuff I wanted,” I said, drawing away from him. I couldn’t hate them. They were my parents. You don’t hate your parents.

“And historically, how has substituting things for emotional connections worked out for you?” he asked. I winced. “What if that habit of giving you things instead of actual affection laid the groundwork for your dependence on drugs and alcohol?”

“That could be… maybe,” I mumbled, looking back down at the table. “But I still really liked my friendships. It took years for me to… There were a few years where things were fine, and then kind of suddenly they weren’t fine, and I really needed something to keep me happy. At least, that’s what it feels like.”

“Exactly right,” he said. “Now, might I be allowed to voice a theory?” I nodded. “Excellent. So, you developed some very wonderful and meaningful friendships with Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and to a lesser degree, the rest of your friends – but when those relationships became strained, you started relying on other things to give you a sense of fulfillment. Your thoughts?”

I traced my tongue over my teeth and stared off into nothing for some eternal seconds. “That… It makes sense. It fits. My friends said they planned on leaving Ponyville, and a few weeks later, things had gotten… bad. I don’t know, though. It didn’t feel like that.”

“Of course, it wouldn’t,” Doctor Hooves said. “I highly doubt you were conscious of most of it; in fact, I’d wager you spent a great deal of time not thinking about your problems. But when your friendships showed some cracks in them, you pulled away from them, and relied on something that couldn’t leave you.”

“Until she did,” I said, banishing the spectre of Bright Lights before she could fully form. At least I’d gotten kind of good at dealing with her. Just will the hallucinations away and they vanish.

Sweetie, you can’t will me away. I’m a part of you. I’m core to your very being. Without me, you might forgive yourself, and we both know we can’t have that. Otherwise, you’ll make the same mistakes again.

I growled. She wasn’t wrong though, was she? If I was happy like I was before, I could make the same mistakes. She kept me from relapsing.

And you finally admit you need me. I love you too, Sweetie. Still, it would be nice to have more Rarity hallucinations. She wasn’t anywhere near as judgmental.

“Sweetie?”

“Sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “Just thinking to myself. Do you think… Can I ask you a question?” I’d asked it before, but I had to ask it again. Again and again until he gave the right answer. Until he stopped lying.

“You know you can,” he said, frowning, “and I think you know what I’m going to say.”

“Alright.” I took a deep breath. “Do you think… Do you think I deserve to be punished? I mean… after all the terrible stuff I did, everyone’s just forgiven me like it’s nothing, but it’s not nothing. I hurt them. I hurt the ponies who cared about me the most, and now they’ve just… They’re doing everything they can to help me. Why don’t they hate me?” Like I hate me.

“You answered your own question, Sweetie,” he said. And here we go, it’s all about how, “Because they care about you, they forgave you.” Why did I even ask, I knew he was going to say that. Couldn’t somepony just hate me for what I’d done. I guess the papers hated me plenty, but they only knew Bright Lights’ story. They didn’t know the real reasons. Oh! And Bright Lights hated me. Maybe. “I take it you’re still having trouble forgiving yourself?”

“I can’t,” I said, shaking my head. “Somepony has to make sure I don’t.... Somepony needs to remind me about all the things I’ve done wrong so I don’t do them again.” I smiled. “But… I don’t completely hate me. I don’t want you to think I’m miserable all the time or something. I like talking with Rarity and Scootaloo and you.” And Luna. “I just can’t let myself forget what I did. I don’t want to go back to that penthouse.”

“Well, you know my thoughts on the issue. I’ve told you to forgive yourself… I don’t know how many times I’ve told you that, and something tells me this won’t be the last time I say it, but you can’t keep condemning yourself for what happened,” he said. “You did something destructive, but that decision didn’t occur in a vacuum. You were primed to make that decision,” he said. “Yes, you shouldn’t forget what you did – vigilance is important, after all – but you can forgive yourself. It’s okay to be happy.” Because the last time I’d been happy worked out so great. I only lost all my friends and almost died.

“Sure,” I said, trying not to sound too dismissive. “I’ll keep that in mind the next time I look through the newspaper or have a panic attack while trying to sing.” Oh, that was really fun! I couldn’t do my special talent, because stupid Bright Lights had ruined it. Every time I tried, I’d remember how she’d make me sing for her. Make me practice a song until I was hoarse and then cast a restorative spell on me so I could keep singing.

I was back in the penthouse, standing next to the piano Bright Lights was playing, phantom Joy running through my veins. She wasn’t as good a player as Melody, but she didn’t like it when I brought that up. She didn’t like it when I mentioned the Before at all. Before the penthouse. Before she made me happy. She said thinking about that me thinking about that dark time in my life made her sad. She said she made me so happy, it was the least I could do to fulfill her little requests. “Please… my throat hurts,” I said, moving a hoof to try and massage it.

“Sweetie, practice is key,” she said, her horn lighting up as I felt the soothing heat pour down my throat like hot wax. “Now, if you’re a good girl, I’ll throw one of those parties you like so much. Don’t you want that?”

I nodded, smiling at her through glassy eyes as the latest round of pills kicked in. What did she give me this time? She never told me. Just said it was what I needed. “Don’t you want to be my good little filly?”

A moan as I nodded. Good fillies got what they wanted. They got spoiled. Bad fillies had their fun privileges revoked. “Good, Sweetie,” she said, turning back to the piano as the last ache in my throat vanished. “Again.”

“Sweetie?” I was back in the hospital, shaking off the phantom high. How was it that I could go back into my memories and not even realize it until the dream was over? I’d need to talk to Princess Luna about that.

“I’m fine,” I said, ignoring the lingering warmth from the memory. “Just…”

“Another one of your flashbacks?” Doctor Hooves asked. He knew the answer, but he still had to ask.

“Yeah, this one wasn’t too bad. I don’t think it lasted more than a few seconds,” I said, taking a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart. Stupid flashbacks, making me feel all weird. How long has it been since you’ve been kissed? Isn’t your body burning for another’s touch, yet?

She… I had a point, this was probably the longest I’d gone without kissing somepony in years. Not that I deserved kisses. But you want them. “I see,” Doctor Hooves said, nodding. “Have your flashbacks been getting more or less frequent since we started the new treatment?”

“Less,” I said, nodding. “I’m down to one every couple of days now.” Now, if Princess Luna could just tell me how to get rid of them, I’d be fine. Well… when it came to one thing, I would be.

“And what was this flashback about?” he asked, his notebook now directly in front of him and pen grasped in hoof. Time for actual writing.

“It was… another memory of the penthouse. Uhmm… Bright Lights was forcing me to practice for some show. My throat was hurting, but she helped take the pain away and promised me that if I was good, she’d give me a treat.” Well, that didn’t sound completely awful. Just mostly awful.

“All I wanted was what was best for you, and look how that–” I banished Bright Lights away before she could finish her thought. I’d heard it before.

“I see,” he said, making another note. “You know, the way she treated you, it seems almost… maternal. Abusive, certainly, but she tried to fill a role as your guardian and provider. The catch was, to fill that role, she had to completely infantilize you.”

Be my good little filly, Sweetie.

I wanted to vomit. That was it, wasn’t it? She tried to turn me into a completely-dependent child, and… for what? And I just drank it up like a milkshake. A bad mother’s better than no mother at all. At least this way, you had somepony looking out for you.

“Do you… do you think maybe my real Mom being gone all the time might have made me more likely to listen to her?” I asked, biting my cheek. Please say no.

“It seems likely. She offered you something you couldn’t find anywhere else, and with seemingly no strings attached. She gave you something that felt like safety and unconditional acceptance, and proved herself dedicated to giving you what you wanted. It was only after she’d completely removed you from the rest of your support network that she started making demands,” he said. He opened his mouth to say something else, but before he could, a knock came from the door.

“Oh dear,” Rarity said, sticking her head into the room and frowning. “Am I too early, if you need some time to finish up, I can–”

“Nonsense,” Doctor Hooves said, closing his notebook and folder. “I think we reached a rather excellent stopping point for today, and I’m sure Sweetie will appreciate having somepony fun to talk with for a while. I doubt our conversations are all that entertaining for her.” He tapped a hoof. “Oh, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to talk with you and Princess Twilight this evening about releasing Sweetie into your custody.”

Rarity tilted her head. “Really?” she asked, smiling at the doctor. “That’s wonderful news. Anything else you discussed today that I should know about?”

“Not really,” I said, shaking my head. “We were just talking about how not having my parents around when I was younger might have messed me up.”

“Oh?” Rarity said, her body suddenly going stiff. “Are there any specific examples you care to share?”

“That’s completely up to Sweetie,” Doctor Hooves said, putting his things in his saddlebag and trotting to the door. “And remember, Sweetie, you don’t have to say anything about our sessions unless you want to. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you,” I said, waving a hoof at him. “And I know, but she’s the best big sister in the world. Why wouldn’t I talk about our sessions with her?”

Rarity smiled at that. “And I’m honored to have your confidence, Sweetie, but the doctor is absolutely right. If you don’t want to talk with me about something, you shouldn’t feel compelled to.”

I got up from my spot at the table and wrapped my forehooves around my sister. For the last few weeks, I’d been doing my best to make up for three years of lost hugs with Rarity. She didn’t seem to mind. “It’s fine. It’s not like we talk about you during our sessions except for when I’m talking about how great a big sister you are and how awful I was to you.” I half-smiled half-frowned at that. Smiled for her, frowned for me. “No, we were just talking about how maybe because Mom was never around that maybe that was why I fell for Bright Lights so hard when she started taking on this weird mothering role.”

Her eyes watered up and she recoiled from me. What did I do wrong? This… It wasn’t great news, but it wasn’t like me having a mom who was never around (but not bad, she still provided for me) was her fault. “I… I…” Rarity stammered before closing her eyes. “Yes, I could see how you having a mother so distant could… I can see how not having a mother around might draw you towards a pony willing to nurture and spoil you.”

My eyes stung. I’d made my sister cry. Why? Something must be wrong. Maybe… What did I do wrong? “I’m sorry,” I said, drawing away and mumbling into the ground. “I… I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m sorry. Are you mad at me?”

She smiled as she worked to keep tears falling from her eyes. “Never, you just… brought up an unpleasant memory. You know, I’m no longer on speaking terms with Mother and Father because of a… disagreement we had about you. They thought you were fine, I begged to differ. No, don’t blame yourself for my silly sentimentality, Sweetie.”

“Okay,” I said, nodding slowly and trying to look convincing. Something was wrong with her, and she didn’t want to tell me. Probably because she didn’t want to ‘risk my recovery.’ I already hated that phrase, and something told me I was going to hate it a lot more by the time everything was over. “So… when was the last time you went home? I mean to wherever you’re staying in Manehattan. Not Ponyville.”

She tilted her head. “What do you mean, Sweetie? I go home every night.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re here all the time. Either giving my medicine or checking up on me. I’ve seen you do room checks on me in the middle of the night when I’m trying to sleep.”

“Oh, yes, that, well… some nights I stay here a bit too late, and the hospital staff are gracious enough to let me use one of the on-call rooms on this floor; that way, I can sleep in a little later before checking on you in the morning,” she said, smiling as she took a seat at my table. Behind her, the sun sat, shining and taunting me. How great would it be to feel its heat against my coat again?

“They have actual nurses to do that stuff,” I said, taking a seat across from her and getting a good view of the world outside my window. A world of light and cheer. “You don’t need to be here all the time for me.”

“But I do,” Rarity said, smile fading as she stared at me. “I have so much to make up for, Sweetie. After so many hours spent fretting and worrying about you, and unable to do anything to help you, the fact that I can just be here now, makes me feel worlds better. Besides, Twilight makes sure I spend at least a few nights at our suite every week.” She smiled at that, and I didn’t need any imagination to figure out just how those nights went. “Still, I will be happy to get out of this hospital as soon as Doctor Hooves allows you to leave.”

“Yeah, me too,” I said. “Do you think… what are we going to do first?” I trotted over to press my eyes against the glass and take in every detail of the city. The familiar skyline, the ponies bustling on the streets below and going about their business, a steamer going up the Studson River… There were so many things I wanted to do and see. Things Bright Lights had said we’d do on the long train ride from Ponyville.

“Sweetie, calm down,” she said as I bounced around our cabin on the train, face pressed against the glass as Joy sang in my veins and filled my head with exalted music. Outside, the world beat in time with my pulse.

“There’sStatueofHarmony,StallionIslandFerry,Co-opCity,Katz’sandTiffany’s,CentralPark, HooflynBridge,EquestriaStatewhereCadancelived,PoneyIslandandTime–”

“Yes, we’ll do it all,” Bright Lights said, stomping a hoof on the table. “But…” She floated a bottle of pills out of her saddlebags and set them on the table. “Here, why don’t you take these. It’ll make the train ride go faster so we can get to Manehattan and start doing everything you want sooner.”

“What’sit?” I asked, grabbing the bottle with my magic and floating it up to my eyes. “Tranquility?NotJoy?” I threw the bottle back at her. “Joy’sbetter.”

She smiled and grabbed the bottle with her magic before it could hit her. “Just take one. Have I ever steered you wrong before?”

“NobutIlovethisfeeling,Joypulsesthroughme.WaybetterthanTranquility,Tranquility’sdumbandsleepy,” I said, frowning as she floated a pill out of the bottle and brought it to my lips.

“You’ll have plenty more Joy, Sweetie, I just want to expand your horizons. There are so many different ways you can feel good, why limit yourself to just one pill. You don’t want to burn out on Joy, do you?” she said, pushing the pill against my lips. They yielded. “Good girl,” she said, bringing up a water bottle for me. “Now drink this to wash it down.”

I shook my head as the scene dissolved back into the hospital room. Maybe the flashbacks were a bit more frequent than I’d told the doctor, but I didn’t want him to worry. They were getting shorter at least. “Sorry,” I said, smiling at my sister. “Mind just went somewhere else. But… yeah, there are still a lot of things I want to do in Manehattan.”

“Really?” Rarity asked, raising an eyebrow. “I would’ve thought you would have–”

“Nope,” I said. “Bright Lights didn’t like me leaving the house. She said it wasn’t safe for me to wander the streets of Manehattan while I was high, and… Well, she made sure I was high all the time. Not that I put up much resistance.”

“Yes… do you think it would be possible for us to speak on slightly cheerier topics,” Rarity said. I couldn’t see her face, but I could feel her body tense up next to mine. “If I hear much more about Miss Bright Lights, I don’t know what I’ll do.” She managed to make her sigh sound like a growl. “So… have you visited the Statue of Harmony?”

I shook my head.

“Well, what about Poney Island? I can’t imagine any force of nature keeping you from one of Equestria’s premiere amusement parks,” Rarity said. I pulled myself away from the window to see her staring at me, head cocked.

“Apparently Bright Lights could,” I said, frowning. “Do you think… I don’t know, I’d really like to go with you.”

“Yes, that sounds like a wonderful excursion for the four of us,” Rarity said, smiling. Me, her, Scootaloo, and Twilight I guess. “Although I think two of our party might have to go incognito.” Right. The papers were still talking about me. It might not be front page news anymore, but I was still there, the corruptor of Equestrian youth. I was Equestrian youth. Not some monster like in the stories.

“You think I’ll ever not be in the news?” I asked, trotting away from the window to throw myself on the bed in frustration. What? After a few years performing on stage, doing things dramatically kind of just gets ingrained. “It’s so dumb. I completely regret everything I did, and I almost died.” I shivered. “I almost died…” I paused, struggling to think beyond the word. I almost died. “And now that I’m getting better, everypony hates me.” Like they should.

I ignored the voice in the back of my head and focused on my sister. “It’s just…” I tried to recall the byline on most of the articles about me. “Why does Write Thinking hate me so much? I never did anything to her.”

Rarity tsked as she trotted to sit next to me on my bed. I scooted over to give her a space. “Well, Sweetie, everypony…” She paused. “Everypony has their own code, you understand? Their own values. I’m sure if we went down the list of our beliefs, there’d be more than a few differences.” I opened my mouth to disagree, but she cut me off. “You know I’m right. I value discretion and subtlety a bit more than you do, I think. It’s fine that we have these differences in opinion, though. We still love each other. Are you with me so far?”

I nodded and scooted back against my pillows. “I guess, but that doesn’t explain her,” I said. “We disagree on stuff, but we still love each other. She disagrees with me and writes nasty stories about me.” Well, so did a few other ponies, but she wrote the most.

They’re going to hate you anyways, so why not enjoy yourself? I’m sure there’s some Joy in your penthouse still. They couldn’t have found all our stashes.

I growled as the dull hunger flared back to life in me, reminding me how grey the world was without Joy and Tranquility and all the other things Bright Lights gave me to keep me happy. I sat up and rubbed my head, screwing my eyes shut as I tried to think of anything else. We could talk about stupid Write Thinking later. “Did you bring any board games today?”

The weight on my bed shifted as Rarity got off and moved to her saddlebags next to the door. “I most certainly did, Sweetie. But to answer your question, some ponies are…” She paused as she pulled a copy of Ponydemic out of her saddlebags. “Now, I must be careful here so I don’t step my hoof in it, but… Well, some ponies are so completely devoted to their worldview that they fail to see the dissenting opinion. You remember how you were when you were in the depths of your ‘happiness’ phase, right?”

My ears flattened against my skull at the memories. “I’ll take that as a yes,” Rarity said. “To give a more positive example, Twilight can’t imagine a life without her friends. To her, friendship is as fundamental an aspect of living as breathing.” She smiled and looked off out the window. Seeing her so happy, I smiled too.

“Okay, so…” I trailed off as I pushed myself off the bed and trotted over to our table where Rarity was setting up the game.

“So, we’re almost there. Miss Write Thinking is… obsessed with spreading her puritanical worldview. Her column gives her a platform with thousands of readers, and she sees you as representative of everything wrong in Equestrian society,” Rarity said. “But I’m sure that given time, her eye will turn to other violations of propriety, and you’ll be allowed to live your life in peace.” She pulled out the card deck and game board, a stylized map of Equestria with trails linking the cities together..

“Great, so I just hide until everypony forgets about me?” I asked, failing to keep the irritation out of my voice. If I was going to be hated no matter what, why even bother trying to be good?

Because some ponies would do anything to see you healthy again, Princess Luna’s voice said. At least it wasn’t Bright Lights this time. Don’t betray the love they hold in their hearts for you. I looked at Rarity. She’d been here every day since I first woke up. Same with Scootaloo, both doing everything they could to help me. Those were two pretty good reasons.

“No, no, I’m sure once you’re better, we can start a PR campaign to show how much you’ve changed. Nothing defangs a boogeymare faster than showing her smiling face. Once they see you as a mare who made a few bad mistakes and is trying to atone, I’m sure most of the hatred will dissipate.”

“I really wish I’d just bucked Bright Lights right in the face, the moment she said hi to me,” I said, flipping the board so the west coast and Las Pegasus was closest to me.

Rarity smiled. “Welcome to adulthood, Sweetie Belle. I think everypony has at least one thing they did in their youth that they regret intensely. I do, Scootaloo does, Twilight does, the Princesses both do… I don’t think Pinkie does, but I suppose she’s the exception that proves the rule.”

“You know, she used to think I was like her,” I said, as I shuffled the cards with my magic. “Well, I was in a few ways, but she used to think I had a connection to her element. Like I could be a future Laughter.” I snorted. “I guess I ruined that.”

My sister tilted her head. “Not necessarily, Sweetie. You know, Twilight is of the belief that each bearer is connected to the Element they once had the most trouble with.” I frowned at that, begging her to explain while she put the pieces on the board. “Yes, well, for instance, when I was younger, I struggled to master my selfishness. Twilight was only interested in studying to be a magical prodigy, and had no time for or interest in friendships. And so on. We weren’t born as paragons of our Element, we had to earn that title. You can’t know the true value of generosity without first knowing selfishness. Does that make sense?”

“I guess,” I said, nodding my head while my sister dealt me four cards. “So what’s my virtue?” You don’t have one.

“I can’t answer that,” she said, floating the seven role cards over to me, spread out in a fan facing down. “You have to figure out for yourself. Now pick one.”

I eyed the seven cards. Anything but the dispatcher. Every time I played as them, we all died. I drew second from the left and… dispatcher. I winced. Maybe this time our luck would change.

♪♪♪

Cowro and Istanbull had fallen, everypony was dead, and it was all my fault. I flung the dispatcher card over to Rarity and thunked my head down on the table. “Can we just remove her from the role deck? She’s basically a ‘We Lose’ card.”

“Nonsense,” Rarity said, taking the card with her magic and reading it. “It might not have the same… obvious utility of the medic, but with a subtle hoof, I can see how she’d be powerful in her own right. For instance, when I was trying to fight the black plague in Griffonstone, you could have teleported to me and moved to remove disease from Istanbull instead of fighting the blue flu in Las Pegasus.”

“But we were so close to wiping it out,” I groaned. “There was just that one little cube in Ponyville left, and we would have completely eradicated it.”

“True,” Rarity said, taking up all the cards and reshuffling both stacks simultaneously. “But Cowro and Istanbull both had three black cubes on them. If we could have dealt with one of them, we wouldn’t have had to worry about a chain reaction. Blue would have lasted for a few more turns.”

“It’s the dispatcher’s fault,” I said, helping her clean the board. “But… maybe I could have focused on more than just one thing.”

“Well,” she said, dealing me four more cards. “We could always play another round. Four epidemics or five?”

“Four, please.” I said, glancing at the clock. Just past noon. She usually got here around now. “Do you think we can wait until Scootaloo gets here before starting the next game?”

“Of course,” Rarity said, smiling at me. We both turned to look at the door, expecting her to walk through the door on cue. In Ponyville, she probably would have. Instead, the seconds ticked by and nopony came into my room at all.

“Huh, maybe she slept in extra late today,” I said, turning back to my sister. Scootaloo had been cashing in all her vacation and sick days since I’d gotten to the hospital despite my protests. I wasn’t worth her job.

“Yeah, but I’ve literally got a letter signed by two princesses saying I can take as much time off as I need,” a hallucinatory Scootaloo said, suddenly standing next to me. She tilted closer to me and I could feel an imaginary heat coming off her. “We can spend as much time together as you want.”

I shut my eyes. No, we weren’t doing that. We were… Yes, I wanted to date Scootaloo eventually, but not now. Not after… I couldn’t think of her like that right now. After all, we wouldn’t want to ‘jeopardize my recovery.’

“So wait, you do want to date me or don’t you?” Scootaloo asked, tilting her head and leaning closer to me, bringing her lips just inches from mine. “Because it sounds like you want both of us to forget about you recovering and get to doing what feels good.”

No, I didn’t. I mean, I did eventually, but we’d all agreed that after what I’d been through, hopping into another relationship would be bad, even if it was with my best friend who’d totally do anything for me. If she’d just said yes… Sweetie, you know we’re right on this issue, Luna’s voice rang in my head. We were just having an imaginary party today, weren’t we?

“Yes, okay, you’re right, I do want to date you, but I also don’t want to date anypony right now. But if I was going to date anypony, it’d be you,” I said. Rarity just stared at me with an eyebrow raised.

“For once, I actually hope you were having another one of your hallucinatory fits,” she said, giving me a tiny smile.

“You totally want to date,” Scootaloo said, sounding very un-Scootaloo like. “I’m in your head, I know how much you’re dying to feel my lips on you.” She started to twist and bubble, coat going blue and her wings falling off as a horn sprouted from her head.

“How long has it been since you felt somepony pressed tight against you, had their warmth fill you, had their breath flowing into you? Too long, I think. Just surrender, give in to your impulses, Sweetie,” the transformed Bright Lights said with Scootaloo’s voice. “I know you want me, and if you apply just the teensiest pressure, I’m sure I’ll crack. How long have I been holding the torch for you? Three? Four years? I bet I burn hotter than you, and I know how every fiber of your being can burn, begging to be sated.”

“See, this is why you can’t rush back into a relationship,” Rarity said, staring at me. Was I talking out loud or had I hallucinated her too? Had I just spent an hour playing an imaginary board game and talking to myself?

“Ooh, I think her mind is finally cracking,” Bright Lights said, climbing outside herself, and leaving a shell that was a mix of her and Scootaloo behind. “We’re all here together, and she can’t keep us straight.”

“You see now the folly of turning to drugs, I hope,” Princess Luna said, flying over me. I slammed my eyes shut, trying desperately to drown them all out.

“Come on, she’s hopeless,” my voice said from somewhere far away. What was happening to me? I hadn’t had a hallucination this bad since the penthouse. What did Luna say? Discipline your mind. Control your impulses. I slowed my breathing and thought of–

“Can you really control your impulses around me?” Scootalight asked. “You want me. You lay in bed at night just imagining how great we’ll be together, how I’ll feel pressing down on you. And you know I want you. Why else would I spend three years waiting for you to fall to pieces? So I could put you back together next to me.”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” I shouted, bringing my head against the table and pressing my hooves against my ears. “Just… I know I’m bad. I know I messed up. You’re all completely right, so can you please just leave me alone?”

The only sound in the room was hooves clicking on linoleum, and then I felt a hoof brushing through my mane. “It’s alright, Sweetie, they’re all gone, it’s just me here. Everything’s fine. I opened one eye to see my sister smiling town at me, tears struggling to stay in her eyes. “Maybe the board game was a bit too much for you right now.”

I sat back up and shook my head. “No, it’s fine… I just started thinking about Scootaloo, and… I don’t know what happened. I thought about dating her, but then everypony was talking in my head and telling me different things, and…” I sniffed. So I could put you back together next to me. That… that wasn’t why she was being nice to me. She loved me.

“Of course, I love you,” Scootaloo said, walking through the door. “I love you so much, I don’t want to see you run off and ruin your life again. You’ll be happier next to me.”

“Stop it,” I yelled, slamming the door on her. Instead of passing harmlessly through her or breaking her up, it slammed against her with a heavy thunk. Oh no. “I’m so sorry,” I said, running towards the real Scootaloo and throwing my forehooves around her. “I’m so so sorry, I thought you were another one of them, and I just want them to stop bothering me. Bright Lights, she… she stole your voice. Tried to make you sound just like her.” I buried my tears in her coat. Mhmm, yes, feel her heat for you. She savors your every touch, wants to devour it.

I pulled away and staggered back, collapsing against the wall. I couldn’t touch her. I couldn’t touch her. That’s how dumb fillies ruin everything. I couldn’t touch her. “Sorry,” I mumbled. I needed to talk to Luna, she’d know what was happening. Just had to get to tonight. That’s all. I can do that. I’d made it to tons of nights. In fact, I’d never not made it to a tonight. “I’m… today’s been kind of rough for some reason.”

Scootaloo and Rarity looked at each other and Rarity just gave a nod. “It’s fine,” Scootaloo said, trotting towards me and offering a hoof up. I recoiled from it and tried not to notice the look in her eyes. “I’ve taken way worse beatings. You remember the first time I wrecked a scooter, right?”

“You mean my scooter?” I asked, getting to my hooves as two tiny hooks pulled my lips up. “Yeah, I remember. I thought when I gave it to you, it would last longer than a week.” We’d both decided not to talk about how I flinched from her touch. I could live with that for now. “So… everypony up for a round of Ponydemic?” I asked, giving my best smile.

“Are you sure you’re up for that?” Rarity asked. “I understand if you just want to spend some time resting in bed. We don’t want to overstimulate your mind in your condition.” No. No. No. No more sitting in bed doing nothing. No more watching the clock and listening to my thoughts. Not listening to the peanut gallery in my head was definitely better.

“I’m fine,” I said, taking the role deck and drawing a card. Medic. Yay. “I had a bad episode, but… it’s better now, and me sitting in bed doing nothing won’t help anyways.” I frowned. They didn’t want me be cheery and upbeat all the time. They wanted the truth, even when it wasn’t nice. “Honestly, it’s better if I’m up and doing something with you all instead of just being alone in bed… with my thoughts.”

“Thank you for sharing that, Sweetie,” Rarity said, smiling. It was the same practiced smile Celestia gave the few times I’d seen her. It wasn’t exactly false, but it wasn’t real either. “If playing games with us helps you, then that’s exactly what we’ll do.” She drew her card. “And it seems it’s my turn to play the dispatcher. Let’s see if I can put my bits where my mouth is.”

“Ooh,” Scootaloo said, flipping up her card so we could see it. “Operations expert. I’ve never played him before.” She paused to read the card text. “Cool, I can make some fun stuff happen with this.”

“Indeed,” Rarity said. “Between the two of us, I don’t think transportation will be the slightest problem this game, and with Sweetie, we can keep the infections from being too much of a problem.” She smiled at me. “Assuming you don’t get caught up on the blue flu again.”

“I won’t,” I said, as Rarity flipped over the first three infection cards. “I try not to make the same mistake more than once.”

There was a silence as I realized just what I’d said. Hopefully, that was true with more than just board games. “Anyways, Scootaloo, how was today? Or last night, I guess?”

“Fine,” she said. “I just watched a movie with my roommate, we caught dinner, and I went to bed.” That meant drinking. She hadn’t told me, but I wasn’t dumb. She’d mentioned going to a bar off-hoofedly a few times, when she got to talking to me like I was an old friend, and not like I was on the edge of completely collapsing. Listen to how bitter you’ve gotten. You didn’t used to sound like this. We used to be happy. We used to love our friends instead of resenting them for being nice to us.

I ignored the voice in my head, even though it was the worst out of all of them. It was my voice. My before voice. The voice Bright Lights took away. I sighed and drowned her in my head. “Sounds like fun,” I said. “I know you drink with friends, it’s fine, and talking about it won’t cause me to freak out,” I wanted to say. Instead I just asked what movie it was.

“Kingsmare,” Scootaloo said as Rarity finished setting up all the infections. “It was pretty fun. We should watch it when you get out.”

“Ooh, speaking of,” Rarity said. “Doctor Hooves wants to talk with Twilight and me about Sweetie’s release later tonight. You won’t mind keeping an eye on her while we do that, will you?” Keep an eye on me. Like I was a filly who couldn’t be left alone for a minute.

You just said you preferred having ponies around to being alone. Of course they’re trying to make sure we don’t have to spend time alone.

Yeah, right. Right. They weren’t treating me like a filly. They just... I took a deep breath. They just wanted what was best for me.

Scootaloo laughed, bringing me back to my sister and… best friend. “You really have to ask?”

“Well, it’s only proper,” Rarity said as we looked through our cards, each one having a city’s name and statistics. I had Canterlot, Stalliongrad, and Trottingham. “I’d hate to volunteer you for something when you have other plans.”

“Nope, I was planning on spending the whole day here, anyways,” Scootaloo said, shooting a glance at me. “Highest population goes first, right?” she asked, looking back at her cards.

“I’ve got Stalliongrad with almost two million,” I said, looking up. Not bad, but probably not going to win.

“Las Pegasus, two and a half million,” Scootaloo said.

“And Neighjing with five million,” Rarity said. “Which I suppose makes my power absolutely useless this turn.” My sister sighed. “Well, I’ll go south and treat the infection at Mareami. I can clear that up at least.” She moved her marker and took two yellow cubes next to Mareami off the board. “That still gives me an extra move. Sweetie, would you like a trip to Neighjing so you can start fighting the infection on your turn?”

I nodded and a second later, my orange marker went across to the other side of the world, encased in my sister’s light blue magic. “Anyways, yeah, as long as Sweetie doesn’t mind being alone with me, I’m fine spending some time with her,” Scootaloo said. All eyes turned to me and something clenched in my chest.

Just say no. Say no. She’ll understand eventually. It’ll be better than staying alone with her, so close to you. Possibly inches from you. Burning for you. I shook my head, not sure whose voice was in my head. It would be smarter to say no. Sure, it might hurt her, but… like the voice said, she’d understand.

I nodded my head and smiled while Rarity drew her two cards. “Sounds like fun.”

♪♪♪

Somehow, we managed to get through the game without dying, and Rarity managed to make the dispatcher almost as good as the medic. Almost. There were a few more games after that, but eventually Rarity had to leave, leaving me alone. Alone with Scootaloo, which at the moment was actually worse than just regular alone.

“So,” I said, smiling and floating the cards over to me. “Another game?”

“Sure,” Scootaloo said. “But while you shuffle, can we talk about what the heck happened earlier today?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, frowning. I knew exactly what she meant, but… maybe if I pretended it didn’t, it would go away.

“You flinched from me, Sweetie. I want to know why,” she said, resetting the tokens.

“It’s nothing. You didn’t do anything, I just went a bit crazy in the head and reacted wrong. I’m fine now, though.” I shook my head, trying not to focus on how firm and toned her flank was. Bad Sweetie, we can’t have those thoughts right now, even if we really want to.

“Yeah… no. You don’t get to play the ‘I’m crazy’ card around me, because you’re not. I’m going to guess you had some really messed up hallucinations where I did something bad. Is that right?”

I shook my head. “Not really. Well, there were some really messed up hallucinations in them, but you didn’t do anything bad. You just tried to flirt with me.”

“Got it, and you don’t want to do that stuff with me or my hallucination,” she said, a weird mix of relief and hurt in her eyes. No, I couldn’t be seeing that right. Why would she be relieved? She loved me, right?

“No! I do, that was the problem. You… kept telling me how easy it would be to get you to do stuff with me, and I didn’t want to manipulate you like that. I didn’t want to turn you into Bright Lights.”

She raised an eyebrow at that. “Okay, ignoring the idea that you could ever make me like Bright Lights, I think… I think your hallucination was feeding you a load of bull.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, leaning forward and forgetting the game. Maybe she didn’t like me? Maybe she really couldn’t forgive me after everything I’d done? My eyes and cheeks got warm as I battled tears. Don’t start crying now.

Scootaloo sighed and trotted to the door, bumping it shut with her flank. “Alright, you can’t tell anypony else this, okay?”

I nodded, not sure where she the conversation was going. “I do love you. As a friend, definitely, and… Yeah, I want a relationship with you, but…” She took a deep breath. “I don’t really like mares.”

What?! “Excuse me, did you just say you didn’t like mares immediately after saying you wanted to date me?”

“Yeah,” she said, sitting down and rubbing her forehead. “It’s… I can’t make sense of it either. It’s like I want to do all the mushy romance stuff in all those sappy books. You know, talking about feelings and stuff. I want to do that with you, and I want to live with you, maybe even share a bed with you, but… I don’t want to have sex with you. Like, at all.”

“Oh. Okay,” I said, voice flat. “So all this time I thought you wanted an actual relationship, you really just wanted a roommate. Got it.”

“Sweetie, don’t be like that,” Scootaloo said. “I do want a relationship with you, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around all the sex stuff. Like, what would we even do?”

My eyes lit up. “Ooh! There are so many things we could do! The most obvious thing is oral, magic’s great… like, really great – Seriously, you don’t know how fun it is. We should definitely do magic – but there are tons of other fun things we can use. A primary feather, silk, there are… tools, if you really want the stallion experience, but honestly, ew. Of course, all this is up to you, I won’t tie you down and force you to try something… unless you’d like that. Then I could totally tie you down... or up. Whatever direction you want. I have to say, I got pretty good at knot tying. Whatever you’re into, we can definitely work it in somehow, though.”

Scootaloo just stared at me like I’d started talking Prench. Maybe I’d shared a bit too much. “Huh,” she said. “Well… that’s good to know, and… you know, I thought the papers were exaggerating the stuff that happened in the penthouse.”

I shook my head. “From the few articles Rarity let me read, they definitely weren’t. Actually, I think they cut some details, although… You know, when you’re full of Joy and every other drug you can get your hooves on, some details might have gotten mixed. Nopony seems to remember that thing with the jazz singer but me.”

“Okay,” Scootaloo said, taking a deep breath. “Right. That’s… I think I’m just going to stop reading the papers for a while.” She slumped and rubbed one of her eyes. “What were we even talking about?”

“The fact that you don’t like mares,” I said, enthusiasm fading from my voice. “And I’m guessing nothing I said changed your mind.”

She frowned and opened her mouth for a few seconds before closing it again. “I… some of it was definitely interesting, but… when I see a mare, I don’t think I feel the same thing you do when you see a mare. But at the same time… I really liked our kiss.”

“So… you don’t get turned on by mares, but you still kind of want to date me except without doing all the really fun stuff?” I asked, tilting my head. “That’s… Why can’t you just like mares?”

Scootaloo laughed. “Not every mare in Equestria is a fillyfooler,” she said. “Although… it definitely feels that way sometimes. Seriously, you, Apple Bloom, Rarity, Twilight, Melody, Diamond Tiara, Life Bloom, Applejack, Rainbow Dash . I was the only pony in our group who liked stallions.”

“That’s not true,” I said. “I’m pretty sure that except for me, the ponies you mentioned are at least summer straights, and most are bi. I definitely remember one of the Blooms having a crush on Socket at some point, and Rarity talked about dating stallions.”

“Summer straights?” Scootaloo asked. Had nopony ever talked to her about this stuff? Geeze, she didn’t even know how two mares could be together.

“Yeah, you know, it’s how a mare likes mares until she’s in heat when she suddenly becomes straight for a few weeks. Bright Lights was one, and it was totally gross,” I said, recalling the few weeks in summer where I had some freedom from her. Beyond making sure I had my drugs at the right time, I was mostly left on my own while she and a stallion did… whatever. At least she found a few mares for me to pass the time with, which… Wow, I couldn’t even remember their names.

“See, Sweetie, I wasn’t so awful. I made sure you had what you needed,” Bright Lights said, her phantom popping up next to me. I rolled my eyes.

You kept me so drugged up that I didn’t even know what day it was, and cut me off from everypony who cared about me. I’m pretty sure that makes you completely awful, I thought. Instead of responding, she just shrugged her shoulders and vanished.

“Got it,” Scootaloo said, tapping her hoof, another question forming in her head. “So… how many fillyfoolers are summer straights?”

I snorted. “Way too many. I just… what do you even like about stallions? Mares are cute and neat and sweet, and stallions are all gross and dangly and… I can maybe see liking athletic types, like you’re super athletic and all lean muscle-ey, and I could probably just look at your flanks and back legs for hours, and why isn’t that good enough? Why do ponies think stallionishness is fun? I tried it once, and it was probably the worst thing I’ve ever done.” I paused as my own words sunk in. “The worst single thing I’ve done.”

“It was that bad for you?” Scootaloo asked, a laugh barking from her throat. “Worse than all the drugs?”

“At least the drugs felt good at the time, and you don’t know how gross all that…” I made an exaggerated gagging noise. “Was. It was like this rocking nauseating thing. The best part was when he said he was finished.”

She glared. Were we fighting? Could we fight if we weren’t a couple a yet? If we didn’t work this out, could we even be a couple? “Actually, I do know how it feels, and it felt awesome. It was so powerful and forceful, and nothing feels like a nice ha–” I gagged, cutting her off.

“Please don’t go on. It’s good that other ponies – not you – but other ponies like it, but… I don’t don’t get it, so can we not talk about it?” I asked.

“Wait, why can’t I like it? I’m not complaining about all the crazy stuff you’ve done,” Scootaloo said.

“But I want to do all those things with you,” I said, sighing and slumping down on top of the board game. “I’m not trying to gross you out, I’m trying to tell you about all the awesome things we could be doing. I can’t turn into a stallion, and even if I could, I wouldn’t want to.”

She tried to say something but I talked over her. “Besides, a stallion could do the same things I want to do. The only thing we can’t do is… you know, but we can probably work around that.”

“I guess,” she said, looking at the ground. “Do you think we can just start off with the normal relationship stuff, you know, the talking and…” She paused to make sure nopony’d snuck in my room while she wasn’t looking. “Cuddling and all that sappy emotional stuff before we try having sex?”

Really? Miss Super-Tough Scootaloo wanted a slow cuddly relationship? I thought she’d be more into my type of stuff. You know, the fun stuff. Not the stuff ponies use to twist you around their hoof. “Oh… are you sure that’s what you want?” I asked. “Because I’m not good with that.”

“Really?” Scootaloo asked. At least I didn’t say my ‘really.’ “Back in Ponyville, you were the best with that, so sensitive and holding your heart in your hooves. I thought you’d like the emotional relationship stuff.”

“And look what it got me,” I grumbled. “But even then, I was more interested in the fun stuff.” I ran a hoof through my mane. “Look, I like the fun stuff. The fun stuff can’t hurt you or turn you into the most hated mare in Equestria.”

“You know all the stories are about you doing the ‘fun stuff.’ They don’t exactly mention your pillow talk with Bright Lights or whatever,” Scootaloo said.

“But none of that stuff would’ve happened if I hadn’t opened up to Bright Lights. I just would’ve been regular Sweetie Belle, spending her days kissing Diamond Tiara and Melody. Instead, I did, and everything went bad,” I said, lying down in my bed.

“Sweetie, you’re kind of sounding like… well, you, but not the good you,” Scootaloo said, looking down at me. “You know what happened the last time you got caught up in having fun.”

“So what?!” I growled. “Yeah, I get it. The drugs were bad, and I get that the orgies were probably taking things too far, and I wish I hadn’t done most of those things, but can’t I have some fun? I lost everything, and I just want somepony to love me and touch me and make me feel valuable. To make me feel good for a few hours. But apparently, I can’t even have that.”

Scootaloo raised a hoof up and glared at me. “Okay, first, You know Rarity and I love you. Maybe not in the way you want, but we wouldn’t be here if we didn’t love you. Second, the only time you feel valuable is when you’re having sex with somepony? That’s… super messed up.”

“It’s not the only time; I also feel valuable when I’m on stage and basking in admiration,” I said. “But since that’s not going to happen anytime soon, then I guess… yeah, knowing somepony wants me like that, it makes me feel valuable. If I wasn’t important, they wouldn’t want me.”

“You know, Sweetie, you really should bring this up to Doctor Hooves,” Rarity said. Had she entered the room when I wasn’t looking or was it another hallucination? Probably the latter.

“Okay, fine, so what do normal ponies do to feel special?” I asked both Scootaloo and my hallucination.

“Uhmm… I think most ponies just naturally feel good about themselves,” Scootaloo said. “I have a nice life, I get to ride my scooter eight hours a day... I don’t need to sleep with somepony to feel good about myself, and you shouldn’t either.”

I laughed. It wasn’t a happy laugh. “Of course, you don’t need…” What was the word I’d heard Doctor Hooves use a few times? “Validation. You get to ride your scooter, do your special talent, and…” Something in my voice cracked. “All I ever wanted was for ponies to like me. Doctor Hooves would probably say that’s because my parents were gone when I was growing up. He’s probably right. Maybe it’s not healthy, but it’s what I wanted, and I thought I had it, but then Bright Lights took it all away. Not just that, she made me hated. Now, you won’t even… My best friend, the mare who says she loves me won’t even…” I looked up at her expecting to see sympathy and understanding in her eyes. I got half that.

Scootaloo glared down at me with perfect understanding in her eyes. “Yeah, it stinks what Bright Lights did to you, okay? I’m not going to argue about that. But you don’t need ponies to like you to like yourself. Also, trying to manipulate me into sleeping with you is a really scummy thing to do. Yes, I love you, and one day, I think I’ll be able to do the stuff you want with you, but it sure as heck isn’t going to happen by guilting me into it. You have a second chance, and you need to think about the type of pony you want to be.” She turned and trotted to the door.

“Wait, where are you going?” I asked. Well done, Sweetie, you managed to make somepony else hate you. See, you don’t need me to be loathed, you do that all on your own. “Please, don’t leave me alone.”

“I’ll be right outside, Sweetie, but you need to have some time alone so you can think,” Scootaloo said, standing over the threshold and keeping the door propped open with a back leg.

She’ll never love you the way you want. Nopony will, and it’s all your fault. “Fine,” I said, looking down at my hooves and away from her. If this is what other ponies meant when they talked about love, I didn’t want it. It sucked. Everything about trying to be a “responsible” pony sucked. Yay, I had Rarity and Scootaloo back so they could judge me all the time. Hooray. “Then don’t let me keep you. Have fun.”

“Sweetie–”

“Go.”

The silence hanging after my words was broken a second later by the sound of the door clicking shut followed by a lock bolting. “I was right,” Bright Lights said, stepping through the door. “You try caring about ponies, and it just leads to getting hurt. To them ripping out your heart the moment they disagree with you. Your friends did it three years ago, I did it when you crossed me, and now Scootaloo did it again. How many times has it been now? More than most, but you still keep giving her chances.” I needed somepony to talk to, but not her. Even if she might have been right.

No. No, we want to be good, Sweetie. Remember the penthouse. Remember how you almost died. Is that what you want?

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “No, it isn’t fair. I gave up the drugs. I gave up the orgies. I lost my career. I can’t even sing anymore, thanks to her.” I pointed a hoof at Bright Lights. “My life’s basically ruined, and I can’t even get Scootaloo to… Is it wrong that I want to have a bit of fun?”

“Well, let’s discuss that,” Rarity said, appearing next to the board game. She gestured a hoof at Bright Lights, who was just standing there smirking. “But first, do you think we could have some privacy?”

“Sure,” I said, trotting over to my hallucinatory sister and willing Bright Lights back to the corner of my mind. “So, what are we going to talk about? How bad I am?”

My sister smiled. “Now, Sweetie, have I ever called you bad?” I shook my head. “Then I hardly think I’m about to break that trend. No, let’s talk about why you want what you want with Scootaloo.”

I rolled my eyes. She was supposed to know this stuff, right? “I love her, she said she loved me, and it’s fun. Does there really have to be a reason beyond that?”

“For most ponies, yes,” Rarity said, floating the cards back into the box. Wait, was my sister actually here? I threw a token through her. Nope. “Now, if you could refrain from poking holes in me, I’d greatly appreciate it.” She gave a small smile, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Okay, so she wants emotional stuff to go with the sex.” I took a deep breath. “I guess I can get that. Maybe I could… try to meet her halfway? But I already tell her pretty much everything. How much more emotional stuff could she want?”

“No, Sweetie, right now, we’re talking about why you want a ‘relationship’ with Scootaloo. The logistics can wait until after we figure that out,” my sister said, floating the game piece I’d thrown through her back into the box. Was I doing the magic and not noticing it? I really needed to talk to Luna tonight. “And before you repeat that not-answer to me, dig deep in yourself to find the truth.” I opened my mouth, but she held a hoof up. “No. Think it over, Sweetie. Really take some time before you give me an answer.”

I sat still and squirmed in my seat, trying to think of the right answer. Because I want to. No. Because it’s fun. No. Because I love her. Do you? “What, how can you say that, of course I do, she’s my best friend.”

“Point taken,” Rarity said, taking up the other half of my internal dialog. “But you love me, and I’d rather hope you don’t want to sleep with me.”

“Well, no, but you’re my sister. It’s different,” I said, frowning. Of course, I knew what she was going to say next, she was still basically just a voice in my head. That didn’t mean I had to like it.

“Ah, so it’s possible for two mares to love each other without wanting to have sex with each other,” Rarity said. “So why are you focused on sleeping with Scootaloo?”

“I don’t know,” I mumbled. “I just…”

“Validation?” Rarity asked, tilting her head.

“You know, I think I’m going to stick with fun,” I said. “It’s been like a month since I even had a kiss. I like being touched and desired. It makes me feel–”

“Validated.” Rarity said, smiling at me. “That’s what this has all been about. If ponies love you, if ponies sleep with you, if ponies bring you paroxysms of pleasure, then maybe you’re important and worthwhile. After all, sex, in its best form, is an expression of love, and if you can know somepony loves you, then you can reasonably assume they find you in some way worthwhile. Every expression of affection is a little act of validation for you, isn’t it?”

“Maybe,” I said. “So… what? I’m just not supposed to have sex now? ‘Cause I think I’d rather have tons of empty meaningless fun sex than go to not touching somepony ever again.”

Rarity shook her head as she put the lid on the box. “No, Sweetie. I’m suggesting that it might benefit you to rethink your attitudes about sex and relationships. If you really love Scootaloo like you claim, don’t you want the best relationship possible? One with a foundation that runs deeper than mutual pleasure.”

“Okay, and what would that be?” I asked. “I’m really not good with that stuff. I don’t like… serious things.”

“No, yes, we’ve established that,” Rarity said, sighing and trotting over to me. “And I’m afraid I can’t just tell you the answer, so instead I’ll have to show you.”

“Wait, wha–” She bopped my horn and the whole world dissolved.

♪♪♪

I yawned and wrapped my hooves around something soft, warm, and furry. My heart thudded. Another pony. I was in bed with another pony. I traced a hoof down them. And they were a mare! Weird that I was the big spoon, but whatever.

You know this is just a dream, right? Yeah, I did, but I could… Hmm, if you can make yourself remember that you’re in a dream, could you make yourself forget too?

I focused on the feel of somepony else’s fur against my fur, heat radiating from her body. Focused on the way her chest rose and fell with each breath. Focused on the faint smell of mare sweat filling my nostrils. Whatever had happened last night had been fun. I synchronized my breathing with hers, so our bodies rose and fell in tandem. Yes, last night had been fun, and today was… I stretched and opened my eyes to see a purple mane and orange coat. Scootaloo?

Of course. I smiled and leaned in to kiss my wife’s neck. Wow, I must’ve really been sleeping, because I could not remember anything this morning. Must’ve been having a good dream. Scootaloo stretched herself at my touch, her whole body arching in my grip. I drew her close and kissed again as she turned around to look at me.

“Good morning,” I said, ending my sentence with a kiss that lingered on her lips. No perfumes, no gloss, just Scootaloo. I loved that taste. “Did you sleep well?” I moved one hoof up from her barrel to brush it through her mane and the other hoof moved lower.

“Slept great. I got real tired out last night for some reason.” She laughed and nuzzled my cheek as a warm wave ran down my spine. Not like the other warmth. Comforting, not burning. I winced. Of course, it was comforting. How long had it been since the burning heats?

“Are you alright?” she asked, pulling away from her nuzzle. I reflexively drew a little closer.

“Yeah,” I said, shaking my head. “Just a horn ache, I guess.” I smiled at her and stroked her flank. “So, no ideas on how you got so exhausted last night? Because I’ve got some ideas, and…”

She tapped my horn with a hoof. “As much as I’d love to, I gotta go to work, and you have your show tonight.” Scootaloo waggled her eyebrows. “I promise we can make room for an encore performance tonight.”

“Wait, when did I start doing shows again?” I asked, frowning before the answer snapped into my head. Right, a few weeks after my breakdown, the media moved on and I could start doing smaller shows again. How had I forgotten that? I chuckled and smiled at Scootaloo. “Nevermind, I don’t know why, but I’m really out of it this morning.”

“Yeah, I know, I’m so tired I’m half tempted not to get out of bed today,” she said, rolling over to the edge. Tease. “But…” She flexed and extended her wings, showing off her tiny powerful wings. My eyes followed the muscle lines to her flanks. “I gotta keep this physique up somehow.” She snapped her wings shut. “Eyes are up here, Sweetie.”

“I disagree,” I said, still keeping my eyes on her flanks. They were just so tight and hard, not like my flanks, which were… plump was the word Scootaloo used.

“Ugh, I really need to work off a few pounds,” I said, sighing and pushing myself out of bed. It wasn’t fair that I couldn’t get a few more hours of sleep… or something better than sleep.

“Don’t you dare,” Scootaloo said, moving around the bed to block my path to the bathroom. “Your flanks are awesome. They’re the best pillow in the world,and you look good curvier. The moment you get fat, I’ll let you know.”

I smiled and dodged past her. Sure, I’d gone fishing for the compliment, but she knew what I liked hearing in the morning. “So… I’m still feeling kind of sweaty. Maybe we could go take a quick shower together?”

“We’ll have to take another shower after to get clean,” she said, following close behind and nipping at my side to get me to hurry up. I let out a laugh at her love-nip and sprinted towards the shower.

“Two showers with you instead of one? I can live with that,” I said, magically turning the faucet to full blast and shutting the door behind Scootaloo. A cloud of steam filled the room. Only most of it was caused by the shower.

♪♪♪

Two showers later, I sat at the kitchen table and smiled at my coffee while Scootaloo made miracles happen with eggs. “Are you sure you don’t need any help?” I asked, taking a sip and savoring the way the bitterness mingled with the cream on my tongue. Ugh, why do we like bitter stuff?

“I’m good,” Scootaloo said, looking at me before going back to her mixing bowl. “I’d rather not eat charcoal for breakfast.”

“Come on,” I groaned, rolling my eyes. “I haven’t burned a meal since Ponyville.” You haven’t cooked since Ponyville either. I closed my eyes, the spike in my head flaring back up. Yes, I had. At least a couple of times a week since we’d gotten married. Why was my memory so awful today? Maybe I needed to get it checked.

“Look, how about I’ve got breakfast, and you can do dinner tonight, alright?” she said, pouring the egg batter onto a skillet.

“Alright, but I won’t be able to cook anything until after my show tonight. Are you sure you can wait that long?” I asked, closing my eyes and smiling as the smell of cooking eggs reached my nostrils.

“Whatever, we can just eat in bed if we’re really tired,” she said, voice moving closer to me. My smile grew as I leaned against the walls of the little alcove we’d set our table in. There was a joke in what she said, but I didn’t want to be too obvious. Besides, I could still feel the last ghosts of steam lingering on my coat.

“So what do you want?” I asked, running through all the ingredients we had in our apartment. I could make an apple salad easy enough, but after her talk about me burning food, I needed something fancy and elaborate. Something so good that she’d be eating her words for dessert. Ooh, pasta e fagioli, that could work, and I heard it paired wonderfully with crow.

♪♪♪

“Come on,” Scootaloo said from her spot at the table while I mixed the pasta. “I haven’t eaten since breakfast, can’t we just do something simple for dinner?” She sounded like we’d had a long day, but–

“We could,” I said, adding another dash of salt to our dish. “But somepony had to make a joke about my cooking this morning. Now, you’re going to eat the best thing you’ve ever tasted, and you’re going to like it.” I floated the apple salad I’d prepared earlier and floated it over to her. Since she was begging, I guess I could give her a little snack now.

Scootaloo’s laugh was garbled by a mouthful of apple. “It won’t be the best thing I’ve ever tasted, I can tell you that right now, but maybe it’ll be a close second. Gotta be honest though, probably not.”

I blushed. Flatterer. “That’s supposed to be enough salad for both of us, so save some for me,” I said, floating a bite of pasta in my mouth. If it wasn’t for singing, I could’ve had a cutie mark in fancy cooking.

“‘en you ‘etter ‘et here fast,” she said, and I could practically see the flecks of apple flying out of her mouth as she talked. Her spit was probably all over my part of the salad now.

“Just a minute,” I said, pouring the pasta from the pot into the bowl and adding the sauce. “Also, I shouldn’t have to say this, but it’s hot, so don’t shovel it all into your mouth at once.”

“Fine,” she said, between bites of apple salad as I trotted over next to her and poured a bowl. She leaned over her bowl and took a deep sniff. “I won’t eat the delicious smelling pasta you just put up in front of me even though I’m starving.”

“You can eat it,” I said, pouring my own bowl while standing next to her. “I’m just saying you should pace yourself. You know, moderation? You should, since you helped teach me about it.”

“Yeah, I did,” she said, struggling to hold the fork right in her hooves as she stabbed a piece of pasta. “I didn’t know it would come back to bite me, though.” She scraped the noodle off the fork with her teeth. “Are you happy? I’m gonna starve before I get full.”

I closed my eyes and leaned against her as I put my bowl and the serving bowl down on the table, relaxing my magic as I felt Scootaloo’s muscles shift beneath her fur with each stab of the fork. I leaned down and bent to nuzzle her neck in a moment I wanted to last forever. “Yeah, I am.”

Her movements stopped and the heat vanished. I opened my eyes to see a world frozen in place, my sister staring at me. “And that’s what a serious relationship can look like,” she said, smiling at me as the memories warped and cracked. We weren’t married. We’d just had a fight and I’d sent Scootaloo away. What if…

“Why would you do that?” I asked, stomping a hoof. “Why make me realize how great a relationship is and then take it all away? I was happy. I’d… I’d almost forgotten about all the terrible stuff I’d done.” Almost. For an hour, I’d seen what I could’ve had. And now my sister’d shattered the illusion.

“I didn’t do this just to torture you, Sweetie,” Rarity said, sighing. “Believe me, if I wanted you to suffer, I’d just do nothing.” I winced. That was… unfairly true. “No, I did it to show you how good a healthy relationship could be. To show you that emotional intimacy wasn’t just something ponies could use to twist you to their whims and break you.” Memories flickered in the back of my head. The way I used to cry at the drop of the hat. The way my friends would always be there to make me feel better. I’d forgotten that.

“Yes, you have,” my sister said. I still hadn’t gotten used to how the hallucinations could know my thoughts, but… I guess it would make less sense if they didn’t. “But that’s why I’m here, to tell you all the things you won’t tell yourself.” She smiled and took a seat next to me, stroking my mane. “All the things you banished in the name of ‘happiness.’” She said the word like a curse.

“Okay,” I said, closing my eyes and bringing us back to my hospital room. Sitting next to my dream-wife wasn’t… The sooner we got out of that dream, the better. “So what else am I not telling myself?”

“Lots of things,” she said. “But… Oh dear, I’m afraid I misspoke before, you see, because I don’t want to tell you everything. It would be far better for us if you could figure them out without my intervention. Instead, I tell you the things you absolutely positively must hear.”

“Ugh,” I sighed as she continued stroking my mane. If it wasn’t so relaxing, I’d probably be mad. “So… you’re not going to tell me anything else then? Like how I can maybe put my life back together? Because I’d really like to hear that.”

She smiled. “Now that, I can tell you, although I’m afraid you won’t like it much.” She paused, letting the answer hang in the air before plucking it down for me. “You do what everypony else does. You pick up the pieces and carry on.”

“But there are a lot of pieces,” I said, summoning the bed under me so I could sink into it. The dream bed was way comfier than the actual hospital bed.

Rarity grunted and pushed herself up on the bed so she could keep sitting next to me. “Indeed there are, but you have me, Scootaloo, and Princess Luna to help you as much as we can.”

“Okay, so…” I frowned, trying to think about what I could ask her next. “Hey, why did the real you get all weird today? Like… did I do something wrong?”

“I could only give baseless speculation, Sweetie,” Rarity said, her stroking slowing. “As much as I might resemble the genuine article, I can’t tell you the innermost workings of her mind unless you already know them.”

“Well, thanks anyways,” I said, staring out the window. Instead of the Manehattan skyline being outside, I saw visions of the Ponyville I left. “So, is a real relationship as good as the dream? It was…” I smiled, blanketing myself in the memories. One of the nice things about my ‘ability’ was that dreams felt just as real as life and didn’t fade when I woke up. It almost made up for the hallucinations. Well… no, but it was nice, especially if I could start having more good dreams. “I wish I’d known earlier, you know? The dream felt so easy.”

“Yes, well, that’s one difference, I suppose. The real thing isn’t easy. Certainly, it’s rewarding. It’s fulfilling. It’s a variety of other wonderful things. However, one thing it is not is easy. It takes work, it takes compromise, it takes understanding, it takes patience, and it takes a willingness to put your own ego aside. You and Scootaloo have your work cut out for you.”

I growled, not needing to tell her how unlikely that was after my freakout earlier. Stupid Sweetie. “Do you think I can fix things?”

“If I can, then no redemption is impossible,” a voice said from behind me. I turned to the source and saw Princess Luna stepping out from the wall like it was a door. “You’ll pardon me for my voyeurism, I hope. I planned on fetching you as soon as you fell asleep, as I have previously, but it’s so rare to see you having a pleasant dream, I hated to disturb you.” She bowed her head to Rarity. “It’s good to see Sweetie has some voices of reason in her head, although I hope in the fullness of time you find yourself integrated into the core of her being instead of serving as a voice on the periphery.”

She laughed and smiled at the princess as she started to fade away. “I think that makes two of us, your highness,” she said before giving me a small wink. “Or perhaps it’s three. Either way, I’ll make room for the two of you to talk. Sweetie, I’m sure we’ll talk later, but think on what I’ve shown you.” Think, think, think, how many ponies had told me to think today? Even my own hallucinations were telling me to think. What was Princess Luna going to tell me to think about?

“Wait,” I said, tilting my head at the princess. “You’ve never really talked with my hallucinations before. Is it the real you or just another hallucination?”

Princess Luna banished the dream with a dismissive wing flap, sending us back to her hub where we were surrounded by all the dreams of Equestria. It was emptier than usual. “You fell asleep early today,” she said, noticing my look at the dream crystals. “Most ponies are still settling in for the night. Only the young and elderly populate the dreaming at this hour.” She looked off at one crystal with a twinkle in her eye. “One evening, you must see the dreams of a newborn, they are… there is nothing to compare them to.”

I followed her gaze to the crystal. “You’re not answering my question.”

“Well, to answer the first part of your question, I never spoke with your hallucinations before because they were never truly worth acknowledging. There is no productive conversation to be had with Miss Bright Lights. Your dream-sister, on the other hoof, was perfectly civil and helpful, so I returned the favor. As to the other thing, there’s no way I can answer that question. Anything I can do your mind could rationalize away as a hallucinatory trick. If I break character, it’s ‘confirmation’ I’m a pretender; if I stay true to myself, that still proves nothing. It’s up to you whether you want to believe the outside world, or fall into solipsism. I’d caution against the latter, though.”

I bit my cheek, chewing on what she’d said. Solipsism. That was… Okay, don’t ask her what it means, figure it out yourself. That’s what Dream-Rarity wants you to do. How? Well, we know what ‘believe the outside world’ means, that’s pretty obvious, so… solipsism would be the opposite of it? Right? Which would be? That the outside world doesn’t exist? I raised a hoof. “Princess Luna, does… solipsism mean that the outside world doesn’t exist?”

She smiled at me and nodded. “Well done, Sweetie. I thought I’d have to explain my words to you, but you managed to surprise me. To be more accurate, though, it’s the belief that the only thing we can ever know to exist is the self and that the rest is but a dream. As the Mistress of Dreams, I find the idea that the outside world falls into my domain rather laughable. Certainly, if it was, the whole thing would be better ordered.”

“Really?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “You think you could do a better job than your sister?”

“No, Sweetie, you misunderstand. I tried my sister’s job once, and it was… unpleasant. All I meant was that if we could restructure the Waking as easily as the Dreaming, things would be easier,” she said, turning to look at a wobbling crystal and giving it a zap of magic to calm it down. “Now, we’ve digressed enough. It’s nice to see you having pleasant dreams again. How many years has it been?”

“A lot,” I said, frowning and looking at one of the smaller shinier shapeless crystals. “I bet they weren’t even alive the last time I had a good dream.”

She followed my look and nodded. “You’re correct. I believe the last time your dreams were open to me was shortly before they were conceived, but I could be mistaken.”

How could she know that? Did she know everypony in Equestria through their dreams? Not even Princess Celestia knew all her little ponies. “How can you do that?” I asked. “Just look at a crystal and know them like that?”

“It’s a part of the job, Sweetie Belle,” she said, grabbing the crystal with a wing and caressing it. “While you may be able to touch and mold this stuff of dreams like no other mare, the Dreaming is core to my very identity. More than the moon, this is the essence of my being, and the thousand years I spent able to feel dreams but unable to actually touch them was more maddening than the actual imprisonment. Imagine having your voice separated from you, and you might know a piece of my agony.”

I didn’t have to imagine too hard. “Now,” Luna said, floating the crystal back to it’s proper place after whispering something to it I couldn’t hear, “How have you been? You seem to be recovering well. Certainly, Doctor Hooves’ reports have been promising, and the fact you’re finally having pleasant dreams warms my heart.”

“It wasn’t that pleasant,” I mumbled, looking down at the floor. “Sure, it was nice at the time, but then they just ripped it away from me and reminded me who I really am.” I growled. “And today… wasn’t super great.”

“Oh?” Princess Luna asked, raising an eyebrow. “And just who are you, really? That seems to be the question everything else circles around, but if you already have the answer, I suppose we can all go home.”

“I don’t–” My mouth clenched shut. “I’m a mess-up. That’s what I do, right? Mess things up? The only thing I haven’t completely messed up yet is Rarity, and I’m sure her life would be better if I wasn’t–” Luna’s magic forced my mouth shut before I could complete the thought and any good cheer vanished from her eyes.

“Do not say such things, Sweetie Belle. The amount of joy you have brought into existence cannot be understated, and Rarity would be in a far worse position had you not graced her life,” Luna said. voice both severe and crackling with passion. “Yes, there were mistakes, there were follies, but should I be consigned to oblivion because I was once Nightmare Moon?” I shook my head and Luna sighed. “We seem to be stuck having different versions of the same conversation. Eventually, you must believe in your own self-worth.”

“Well, maybe when I do something go–” Another glare from Luna cut me off. Right, ‘self-worth is something you have, not something you earn.’ I sighed. Another thing everypony kept telling me. I still didn’t get it. How could you like yourself if you hadn’t done anything likable?

“But Sweetie, you have to believe in yourself or something, because everypony has value,” I said in my most over-the-top Trottingham accent. “Even Bright Lights, even though she’s literally the worst pony ever.”

“And I see Doctor Hooves is having the same conversation with you,” Princess Luna said. “And you’re giving him all the respect a top psychiatrist in his field deserves.”

I winced. Yeah, of course she could hear me. “Sorry,” I said, suddenly finding my hooves super fascinating. “I… I don’t think I’m quite convinced about the whole ‘liking myself’ thing. Maybe when I get out of the hospital and start doing good things, I’ll change my mind.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Sometimes, I feel my time would be better spent if I spoke with a brick wall. Or perhaps bashed my head against it. At least the wall would eventually crumble away. You’re still as recalcitrant as when we pulled you from the penthouse.”

“Sorry,” I said again. “I do want to like myself, I just… you know, I haven’t earned it. At the very least, I don’t completely hate myself all the time, now.”

“Sweetie, you were there when we fought the Tantabus, correct? Didn’t that teach you how dangerous punishing yourself for past sins can be? Perhaps your penance won’t turn into an Equestria-destroying nightmare creature, but it’s just as dangerous on a personal level.”

“Really?” I asked. “What? I’ll…” I trailed off, unable to think of something biting to finish off the sentence.

“You’ll continue isolating yourself from those who care for you most, keeping them at arm’s length. Self-loathing gains you nothing, but it can cost you everything, Sweetie Belle. It is a prison that keeps you from the world. A mare cannot make amends when locked away.”

“Yeah… I guess that makes sense,” I said, taking a deep breath in and exhaling. When it left, I felt somehow lighter. “I’ll… I’ll try, like really try.” Another breath. Another pound lost. “It’s hard, though, you know? Like, I can’t stop thinking about how awful I was and how it must’ve hurt Rarity and Scootaloo. Or how I blew up at Melody and kept pushing her to do things she didn’t want. Or all those ponies in the penthouse I kind of treated as disposable props. Or… I ruined my friendship with Apple Bloom.” I ran a hoof through my mane, suddenly feeling like it was made of lead. “Ugh, I was just awful to everypony! Everypony but the one pony I should’ve been awful to.”

“And you go from trying to forgive yourself to recounting all the ponies you’ve wronged. I trust you can see the problem?” Luna asked.

I sighed and sat down in the plane of nothingness. “Yeah… I really want to be better, you know, I just… I don’t know, forgetting is hard.”

“Forgetting isn’t the goal, forgiving is,” Luna said. The conversation lulled and silence reigned over the hub of all Equestria’s dreams as we both sat in thought. “Still, enough lecturing, I’m sure you’ve heard all this before, so let’s instead celebrate. I believe having your first good dream in years is praiseworthy, and a romantic dream too.” Her eyes twinkled. “Those were always my favorite.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t as good as it seems, though, I… I was actually having it because I had a fight with Scootaloo about relationship stuff.” I rolled my head around and closed my eyes as the world transformed a balcony in Cloudsdale looking out over all of Equestria. “Nice view.”

“Indeed,” Princess Luna said. “Admittedly, I had to warp the perspective somewhat to fit the whole of Equestria beneath us, but I still enjoy it.” The sun winked out of existence and replaced itself with a night sky. “That’s better. So, you fought with Scootaloo. That seems a common occurrence with you two as of late.”

“Kind of,” I said, frowning as I looked at the webs of light below us representing cities. Lights above. Lights below. I rubbed my forehead. “I… It’s been so long since I’ve been kissed or done anything romantic, I kind of… really wanted to do stuff with her.”

Princess Luna smiled and lounged, summoning a bowl of fruit for us. “You have my sympathies, Sweetie Belle. A dry spell is a terrible thing.”

I rolled my eyes at one of Equestria’s four princesses. “I know it’s dumb, you don’t have to make fun of me, I just… I miss some of the old things. Especially sex.” Was I allowed to do that? Talk about sex with a princess? “Sorry,” I mumbled.

“It’s perfectly acceptable, Sweetie Belle. Truthfully, it’s refreshing to have somepony I can speak about such things with. Princesses have their desires too, and my desires are greater than most,” Princess Luna said.

“Really?” I asked, taking a bite into the flesh of an apple, it’s juice dribbling out the corner of my mouth and down my chin. “I kind of thought Princesses didn’t do that stuff. Except Princess Cadance. And Twilight. Okay, I thought you and Princess Celestia didn’t do that stuff.”

Luna snorted and rolled her eyes right back at me. “A reputation my sister has spent a thousand years cultivating. Personally, I don’t know how she does it. She doesn’t even dream about such things. Everypony has those dreams.”

“Even you?” I asked, taking another bite of big red apple.

“Sweetie Belle, I’ve had more than just dreams. Back before I was banished, I was known for my… Well, let’s just say you weren’t the first pony to electrify Equestria with tales of debauchery,” Princess Luna said, drawing an apple to herself. “Tia dislikes it when I speak of such things, but I think of all the souls in Equestria, yours would be the most understanding.”

“So… you did that stuff too?” I asked, leaning closer to her. “I’m not the first pony to… I don’t even know what you’d call it.”

“Enjoy the carnal pleasures of the night to the utmost?” Princess Luna asked, before staring off at a section of the dream for a minute. “No… No, I once considered such things a perk of my domain. You should have seen it, Sweetie. My… err… I suppose harem is the best word for it, although it demeans the ponies I shared my evenings with. They were the finest artists and dreamers in all of Equestria, those who truly saw the blessings of the night.” She paused and closed her eyes. “I loved all of them. But yes, it was a thing of beauty, Sweetie Belle.”

“Sounds... fun,” I said, dreaming a glass of ice water into being and debating whether I should drink it or just pour it on myself. “So what do you do now? I mean, do you have a secret harem nopony knows about, or…”

She laughed. “I do the same thing you do, Sweetie. Nothing.” She tilted her head. “Well, I suppose I dream from time to time, but such things aren’t healthy in excess. Certainly not a substitute for actual relationships.”

“Well, how come you don’t have somepony?” I asked, forgetting I was talking to a Princess of Equestria. “You’re pretty, I think you’re nice, you shouldn’t have any problem finding somepony. It’s not like everypony in Equestria hates you.”

“You realize you’re speaking to the pony formerly known as Nightmare Moon, yes? Speaking as a former boogeymare to a current boogeymare, for some reason, most ponies don’t want to date mares with such colorful histories. You’re lucky you have Scootaloo, still,” she said, I sipped my water while she brought a glass of wine into being. “But… now is not the time for self-pity. Besides…” She shrugged. “I suppose you don’t care to hear about my romantic woes.”

“Actually, I really do,” I said. “Maybe after you’re done, I can complain about how weird things are with Scootaloo. If you don’t mind.”

Her eyes gleamed for a second. It was weird seeing her not being stern and regal and stuff. Weird, but nice. “Not at all,” she said. “I would welcome the chance to engage in... What’s it called? Mare talk? It’s one of those modern concepts I haven’t yet had opportunity to explore to my satisfaction. How do we begin?”

“I think you’re doing fine,” I said, pushing a hoof experimentally against the cloud table. An idea popped in my head. “Hey, Luna, can we dream fly? I know I can float, I just don’t know if I can–”

“Certainly,” Luna said. “A wonderful suggestion on how we can further develop your Dreaming skills. You’ve gained some proficiency in modifying the environment through your will; now, let’s see if you can modify yourself. It’s the same concept, so you should have little trouble with that.” There was a smirk, like she knew something I didn’t. I guess she knew a lot of things I didn’t, but this one was like I was about to open a door that had a bucket of water perched on the ledge.

Either way, I screwed my eyes shut and imagined myself with a pair of beautiful white wings like Scoota– No, that wouldn’t help me fly. Like Rainbow Dash’s – and a second later, my back tingled as something felt like it was sprouting out of me. I guess something was sprouting out of me. Somethings, actually. The tingling spread as sensations flooded in from the new limbs, noticing the way the air bumped and brushed against them. I looked back behind me, and there they were. Wings! With pretty white feathers and everything.

“Now, move them,” Luna said, eyes still locked on me.

That was… Uhmm… I tried to imagine my wings flapping, and a minute later I got one tiny little flap out of them. “Tell me, you don’t move your legs in the Dreaming by imagining it, do you?” Luna said, her smirk somehow getting into her voice.

“No, but I know how to move my legs in the normal–” Her eyes narrowed at me. “In the Waking world. I don’t exactly know how to work a pair of wings.”

“Yes, getting used to new limbs takes time,” Princess Luna said. “If you could fully immerse yourself in the logic of the dream, it would be but a trivial problem – but sadly, such things are not for us.”

“I did it earlier tonight,” I said, staring up at her as I struggled to get a wing to flap. Maybe the tip of one twitched.

“You did,” Luna said, stepping towards the balcony railing. “And it was most impressive how you figured it out – but in doing so, you lost your sense of self, and I do believe that’s something we both must possess if we wish to talk. Still, I can help you in your quest to master the skies.”

She stared at nothing and the air around us suddenly got heavy. Like… really heavy. “Increased air density,” she said. “The beauty of the Dreaming is that reality is ultimately what we make it. If the position of the stars in the sky offends us, we may simply change it.” To make her point, the stars above started to shift and swirl around, the Milky Way turning into a river carrying its cargo from one end of the horizon to the other, occasionally branching off into other little eddies that snaked around the sky.

I wanted to say something, but instead my jaw just hung open as I stared into the sky. “Teach me?” I finally squeaked out.

Luna smiled and jumped off the balcony. Her wings flapped, and she rose above me. “You already understand the basic principles, Sweetie, now it’s but a question of will. The same force that conjured your glass of water and gave you wings is the same force that changes the stars in the sky and levels mountains. If your will is strong enough, nothing is out of reach.”

“Then how come I can’t flap my wings?” I asked, one of them giving a pathetic little spasm. “I’m imagining it really hard.”

“That requires a different type of will. One gained by acting without thought. When you give control of your wings to the same impulse that directs your legs, you’ll be able to fly. It just takes time to learn it.” She smirked as I felt the dream shift around me. “Time or the most dire of circumstances.”

Wait, wha– I fell through the balcony, hooves flailing for anything I could grab on to as the ground came up to me way slower than it should. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!” I screamed.

“Use your wings, Sweetie,” Luna said, gliding in slow circles around me.

“I don’t know how,” I shouted back over the sound of wind whipping around me.

“You don’t need to know anything. Do you think the sparrow calculates trajectory in his flight? No, it simply acts. All you need to do is act,” Luna said.

“So what, I’m supposed to just stick out my wings without thinking–” A jolt went through me as my wings snapped out. I was still falling, but now I was falling with style. Or gliding, I guess.

“Well done, Sweetie,” Luna said, smiling as she moved to match pace with my descent. “While I don’t normally condone thoughtless action, movement is the exception, and it ties in with our lessons. The only way you can fly is if you act with 100% confidence. There’s no room for doubt in the skies.”

But you need to doubt yourself. We don’t want to go back to the penthouse, do we?

Shut up. I’m not listening to… whichever voice you’re supposed to be right now. I looked down. The ground wasn’t any closer than the last time I saw it. I felt my wings flap. Felt the pulse of will that ran from my head, down my spine, and spread out to my wings. They flapped, and I flapped them. Another pulse of will. Another flap. I smiled. “I’m doing it! I’m flying!”

“Indeed you are,” Luna said, smiling as we both climbed higher in the sky. “And I had placed at least decent odds on you hitting the ground. It seems you have better instincts than I suspected.” That was a joke. If I had good instincts– I shook my head and flapped my wings again, climbing higher into the sky towards the shifting sea of stars and away from the fixed lights of the towns below.

“It’s lovely, isn’t it?” Luna asked, rolling to her side. “This narrow stretch between the cold emptiness of the stars and the hard ground.” I nodded, feeling the wind against my face, brushing a loose strand of mane to the side.

“Yeah, it is,” I said. “And when did you get all poetic?”

She laughed and did another roll circling around me. “Sweetie Belle, did you not hear me speak of how my harem was filled with the best artists in Equestria? The arts have always fallen under the dominion of the night, and as such, my domain. What is art, if not dreams given form in the Waking world? It’s only proper I have an artistic streak in me.”

“I guess,” I said, shivering as wind ran over my primaries. Flying felt good. Or maybe I just imagined it would. “And weren’t we supposed to be talking about your mare problems?”

“And what if I changed my mind?” she asked, looking at me with one eye. “What if the wind against me lifted my spirits as well as my body, and I no longer wish to dwell on such melancholic thoughts. Is a princess not entitled to change her mind?”

“Ye– Uhmm…” She was a princess. “I guess we can talk about whatever you want.”

I saw the glint of a smirk in the corner of my eye. “And I am a mare of my word. Besides, my problems are not so woeful. Merely vexing.”

“And what are they?” I asked. “If I was a princess, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have any trouble getting dates. You could just issue royal decrees, right?”

“That might not go well with the general public,” she said, still smirking as we flew to Canter Mountain. With the stars swirling above it, it looked kind of like that one painting. “Although… You know, Tia never did get to taking off the right to droit du seigneur off the books. I suppose I’ll have to fix that eventually. With more alicorns showing up, we wouldn’t want to… Yes, better that some relics of my time stay forgotten.”

“Droit du seigneur?” I asked, tilting my head. Was Canter Mountain bigger in the dream?

Luna groaned. “Yes, well… I suppose there’s no sense in keeping secrets to preserve your innocence. In the olden times, before we came to Equestria, when a couple got married, the ruler had the right to spend the first night with them – although usually, it was the mare who had attention paid to her.” She cleared her throat. “It was a dark law, and when Celestia and I came to rule, it fell into irrelevancy. Well, mostly irrelevancy. When somepony from my harem decided to get married, I might or might not have invoked the law as a sort of wedding present, depending on their wishes.”

I chewed my lip. It sounded kind of fun, but at the same time… “If they didn’t want to, could they say no?” I asked.

“When I invoked it, yes.” Oh, alright then. I guess that was fine. Wait, when she invoked it? I shivered. Yeah, no thanks. I’d rather not get married and then have some old gross king try to do stuff with me. Actually, back then, I probably couldn’t get married anyways. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? On the one hoof, no gross kings (or sexy queens; I probably wouldn’t have minded too much if Princess Platinum wanted to get all seigneur with me); on the other hoof, I might actually want to get married some day.

“What’s on your mind, Sweetie Belle?” Luna said, flying close to me.

“Nothing,” I said, shaking my head. “Just deciding whether or not it would have been a good thing to be a lesbian back then. Were there more queens or kings in Equestrian history? I know I couldn’t have gotten married back then, but…” Princess Luna burst out laughing.

“It is good to hear such fanciful thoughts from you again, Sweetie, and I think it is better by far to be alive now than in any other time.” She swooped and dived in front of me, like she was showing off all the cool flying tricks I couldn’t do. “And I believe I have more authority on the matter than most ponies.”

“So,” I said, snapping the conversation back on… well, not on track, but definitely nudging it closer to the track. “What’s been bugging you?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Are you just asking so you can regale me with your romantic woes regarding a certain orange pegasus?”

“Maybe,” I said. Luna flew a few paces in front of me and started to very slowly bend us around Canter Mountain. “But I also… You know, I want to hear about you. Everypony’s been asking about me, I just kind of want to hear a conversation that’s not about my problems.”

But we could talk forever about that.

“Very well,” Luna said. “It’s not as dramatic as some tales. Indeed, it’s hardly a tale at all. More like an irritant. It is… Tia, in her infinite wisdom, has desexed herself in the public eye for reasons I can’t begin to comprehend. Maybe she truly doesn’t have such thoughts, maybe she sublimates them for the public good. Either way, this reputation has bled over to me. There has been… maybe one pony who nurtured romantic thoughts towards me since my return, and she is now happily married. Everypony else tends towards stiff formality.”

“You know, you could go after a pony if you wanted. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind,” I said, following her as the mountain loomed larger on my left. Were we headed to her castle?

“I considered that as well, but tell me, what would you do if one of Equestria’s diarchs – No, I don’t think we’re diarchs anymore – pursued you? One known for throwing jealous fits and attempting to fling the world into eternal darkness,” she asked. Below us, I could see the lights of Ponyville, Twilight’s castle lit up as bright as the moon above us.

Wait? Was she flirting with me? That wasn’t– I wanted to make things work with Scootaloo. She deserved it. “Uhmm… I’m flattered, but I really want to… I don’t know, even though we’re kind of fighting, she waited all this time, and I really do love her for that and a lot of other things, but…” She was also a princess and could probably have me imprisoned forever.

“You manage to completely misunderstand me and grasp my point all at once,” Luna said. “No, Sweetie Belle, I have no desire to commence a relationship with you. I understand your bond with Scootaloo is special, and I have no desire to interfere. However, you managed to demonstrate my concern perfectly. Ponies might accept my advances simply because I am a princess and they fear my reprisals. I cannot court, and my reputation deters ponies from courting me.”

“That… doesn’t sound super great,” I said, dropping down to her castle. “Not sure how I can help you. Have you tried putting an ad out? ‘Lonely princess seeks company.’”

She burst out laughing and collapsed onto the tiles below us. “Ohh… Sweetie, it’s good to see you feeling better, but I think I’ll pass on advertising in the classifieds for the moment.” She winked at me as my hooves touched the ground. “I think it might take a few more years before I get that desparate. Now, I have shared my tale of romantic woe with you, I believe you now must reciprocate.”

“I don’t really know how to start it out,” I said, frowning. You ruined everything. There, finished. It’s not a complicated story. You messed something up like you mess everything up. Great, there was the voice in my head I missed so much. It was using Bright Lights’ voice this time. I groaned. “Is there any way I can get these voices in my head to shut up?”

“Unify your will,” she said, shrugging. “I’m not an expert on waking hallucinations, but I believe the same principle applies. With your connection to the Dreaming, when your mind wars with itself, the dissenting faction has the opportunity to conjure itself into being. For you, that manifests as voices and familiar faces.”

“And the scenes,” I said, nodding my head. “They’re the worst. I’m just doing whatever, and then suddenly I’m taken away and trapped in dream logic. Like, today, I was talking with the doctor, and then suddenly I was back in the penthouse, practicing for Bright Lights.” I rubbed my throat, my chest tightening. Sing for me, Sweetie Belle. I screwed my eyes shut. Why that? I didn’t have to go back there. I didn’t have to go back.

“Again,” Bright Lights said. I opened my eyes, still stinging with tears. “This is your career, Sweetie, you need to take this seriously.”

“Please,” I rasped. “Just give me a few hours to rest.”

“No!” She slammed her hoof on the piano as I felt the tingle of rejuvenating magic in my throat. “You need to take this seriously.” A pill pushed against my lips. She’d gotten the Joy out when I wasn’t looking. “You want this?” she asked.

I nodded. She smiled and pulled the pill away. “Then do it again.” She trotted forward and I felt her breath burning my neck. “If you’re a good little Sweetie, I’ll give you everything you want. Don’t you want to be a–”

“Enough!” Luna bellowed, pulling the dream logic from my mind and freezing the scene. “Yes, Sweetie, I can see why these nightmares might be problematic. And you say you have no ability to control your thoughts in these nightmares?”

“No.” I shook my head. “They feel so real, I just… I forget. I forget I’m not there. How can I get rid of them when I think they’re real?”

“Yes, we see the problem,” Luna said, sending a blast of fire to burn through Bright Lights and her piano. I might’ve smiled. “And we lack a solution. All I can do is offer the same advice I’ve been offering. Unify yourself. The more fractured your psyche, the more likely these nightmares are to occur.”

“That makes sense,” I said, nodding my head and staring at the spot of ash where Bright Lights used to stand. And that explained the big freakout I had earlier. I had a bunch of different thoughts about Scootaloo, and they all got out.”So… just keep doing our exercises?”

She nodded. “Precisely. Do you still wish to tell me about your mare troubles?”

“Sure,” I said, looking from the ash to her. “It’s not that much of a story. I just… We’ve been fighting a lot more since she saved me. I get mad at her for being dense or not wanting to do something, and then I get mad at me because I really shouldn’t be mad at her. I’d be dead without her.”

Hooves sounded against tile as Luna moved to sit next to me. “I understand your frustration, Sweetie Belle. I had similar experiences after my restoration.”

“Really?” I asked, looking up at her. “You got mad at Ti– Princess Celestia?”

“Indeed, Sweetie Belle. I admit the fault rests entirely with me, but yes… there were arguments. Even with all my years, I really can act the foal sometimes,” she said, shaking her head.

“What’d you do?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“I yelled and dismissed her and when my anger faded, I cursed my fool pride. Eventually, I’d apologize to her and we’d move past it.” She smiled but her eyes still looked sad. “I don’t think she ever realized why I was really upset with her. She just saw it as another symptom of my illness to be dealt with.”

“So… what really got you mad?” I asked.

“That damned look in her eye. The cloying pity in her voice whenever she spoke of how sorry she was, and dragged my mind back to those days. At least when she was mad, when she was throwing my mistakes back in my face, she saw me properly. Saw more of me than just her memory. At least then, I felt like a normal pony and–”

“Not a sick puppy,” I filled in.

“Indeed,” Luna said.

I took a breath and exhaled. “Well… thanks. For not treating me like that. I love my sister and Scootaloo to death, but I just wish… I don’t know, it’s my own dumb fault they look at me like that, so I guess I can’t really complain. Either way, thanks… It’s nice being treated like a normal pony.”

She smiled at me. “Think nothing of it, Sweetie Belle.” We shifted back into her dream hub. “As a mare who walked your road, I’m sympathetic. I know how irritating it is to constantly be compared to the mares you were, both good and ill, instead of the mare you are.”

♪♪♪

The rest of the night went by pretty fun. We talked some more, did a little training, and then I had to go back to the real world, where my sister was sleeping at the table, Ponydemic pieces in her mane. So that was a dream too. “Didn’t I tell you to go home and sleep?” I asked, sitting up in my bed.

She jolted up, knocking a stack of cards off the table. “What?” Bleary eyes locked on to me. “Oh, Sweetie, I’m dreadfully sorry. I came back last night with wonderful news, and I suppose I fell asleep waiting for you to wake up.” She blinked at the dim gold coming in from the window. “And it appears I slept far longer than I anticipated.” She plucked a token from the curl of her mane and set it on the table.

“Yeah, because you haven’t been going home to sleep,” I said. Wait. “Did you say you had wonderful news? Does that mean what I think it does?”

My sister, the best sister in the world, nodded. “Indeed it does, I spoke with the doctor; he agreed that if we safety-proof the apartment, you can go home. I intended to come tell you the news and go home to help Twilight, but…” Her eyes went wide. “Oh dear, I do believe I owe a certain princess a very big apology when we get home. Either way, groom yourself and make yourself presentable. I will trot back to our apartment as quick as you please to fetch our little disguise for you.” She smiled and turned to the door. “It’s time to come home, Sweetie.”

My sister paused, and I could tell by the look on her face, she had her tongue touching the roof of her mouth. “Err… Well, not home exactly, but either way, it’s time to get you out of this hospital.”

I smiled at her. "Don't worry, if it's outside, it's got to be better than here."

Author's Note:

Sorry this one didn't get up for a while. I meant to have it up last week, but I kind of forgot between working on my Christmas story (which will almost certainly be uploaded during the twelve days of Christmas) and doing some holiday travelling.

Comments

[SWEETOLEBOB18]

Yes, if there is one thing that is certain it is this: No matter how bad the scandal, it WILL blow over. Sooner or later someone else will screw up worse (or at least, more recent) & you will be out of the news. Just ask OJ or Britney Spears

It sounds like Sweetie may have permanently messed up her voice? Or at least, thinks she has.

Is Bright Light in jail? Can't believe the narcs aren't watching her. If not in jail, what is going on w her?

[Pinkacalypse]

Man I don't know what Sweetie would do without Luna. In this situation I'd imagine that having someone to relate to is so valuable. Good chapter btw I really like the relationship dream sequence (the one from Mind Rarity) and her conversations with Luna.

[Innocent shypony]

6756059
I don't think Sweetie's voice is messed up, Just singing brings her Back bad memories, and if she will be able to deal with the past - as the story will procede I hope -, her voice will be better Than ever
Thanks for the chapter anyways! Everyone Have a good and special holiday :)

[Raul]

Wow, i thought it was Risk at first, I've never played Pamdemic.

Oh and

and nothing feels like a nice ha–” I gagged, cutting her off.

i have no idea where that was going. ha-what? Sha- got it, ro- got it, ha-? help please!

And on Luna, yep, octi was the first thing i thought "hey, wasn't there that thing in TPVRO?"

And im sure i had more to say but i forgot. Im actually starting to resent your long chapters.

[Distaff Pope]

6761181 Sorry, I didn't realize this one was more than 20,000 words. I usually split it up if it's more than that, but... I guess this time, you just had to go the extra distance. Sorry.
6756714 Luna is valuable for two reasons. The first is what you touched on. She's been where Sweetie is now and ca serve as a guide and sounding board. The second is that Sweetie doesn't feel beholden to her, really. After all the shit Rarity and Scootaloo went up through and put up with, and all the heartbreak they've been through, Sweetie feels like she has to be what they want her to be. Around Luna, she can more be herself, whatever that is.

[Raul]

6761290 all good. But really, where was Scootalo going with that sentence?

[EquesTRON]

6761295
They were talking about their respective sexual experiences with stallions. Where do you think she was going with that sentence?

[Raul]

6762283 i figured it out, just forgot what word in a sexuel sense starts with an "ha"

[Tchernobog]

Hmm. Someone was interested in Luna, then got married? Who was this? :o

Slow and steady, Sweetie. I can't wait to see when Rarity breaks the other news~

[Distaff Pope]

6771414 It's a reference to one of my stories in the prequel anthology before RPO. Octavia and Luna spent the night after the Gala was ruined talking.

[Iron Comet]

You know, I really liked Luma and Sweetie just talking. And it shows that Luna has her own problems and struggles seperate from the story. Will these be explored down the road?

[Thought Prism]

“So what, I’m supposed to just stick out my wings without thinking–” A jolt went through me as my wings snapped out. I was still falling, but now I was falling with style. Or gliding, I guess.

That was a perfectly integrated reference.

[Distaff Pope]

7363883 References are best when they're not too forced. If the prose feels like someone contorted the sentence and logic around to take the joke, it takes me out of it a bit. I mean, good references do, too, but not as much.