Your Own Worst Enemy

by Distaff Pope

9. The Old Apartment

Scootaloo and I trotted down Bridleway, the bright lights banishing the dark above us. “So are you going to have us walk down all of Bridleway?” Scootaloo asked. “You know, if you want to get a real workout, we could jog through Central Park.”

I shook my head. “I think that much exercise might actually kill me.” I looked at the sign for 42nd Street. The sign where my name had been a few months ago. “I spent the last month doing basically nothing, and before that, I spent three years taking every pill I could get my hooves on. No, I’m fine just taking a walk down memory lane. Way better than just being stuck alone in my head.”

“Come on,” Scootaloo said, rolling her eyes. “You’ve had somepony with you since the moment you woke up in the hospital bed. Nopony’s gonna leave you alone.”

“Yeah,” I said, picking up my pace. Up ahead, I could see my old apartment building. “You don’t need to remind me that I always have somepony hovering right over my head in case I do something wrong.”

“Wait, so first you’re upset because you’re stuck in the house all day alone with your thoughts, and now you’re mad that we won’t leave you alone?” Scootaloo asked, glaring at me. “That makes no sense.”

“It’s not that hard to understand,” I said, stomping forward and ignoring the way some ponies were glancing at us. “I want to be able to go outside, and I also want to be able to be alone. And I mean completely alone. Not just have a room to myself while you and Mom wait outside the door. I want freedom. I want to feel like not a prisoner. Also, I thought you didn’t want to be bossy with me.”

“Yeah, I like it when you make me feel all…” She trailed off, a tinge of red in her cheeks as she glanced at the ponies around us. “Make me feel all… you know, but I don’t like it when you’re being a complete idiot, and if I have to be bossy to get some sense in your head, then I’ll be bossy.”

I smiled a tiny smile. An unkind smile. “Oh, I’ll show you bossy tonight,” I said, glancing at my building. “You want to feel subby? You want to feel like a mare? Well consider that wish granted.”

“Wait,” she said, jumping in front of me to stop me and getting some very nasty looks in response. “We’re going to the penthouse, aren’t we?”

I grinned, flashing my teeth at her. “Did you just figure that out? Where else could we be going?”

“I don’t know,” she said, still blocking my path. “I guess when you said ‘let’s go for a walk,’ I was dumb and decided to believe you.”

“Oh, come on,” I said, stomping a hoof and trying to move past her. Unfortunately for me, the courier was way faster than the pampered unicorn. “I didn’t lie. We did go for a walk, I just didn’t tell you where we were walking to.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter, because unless you have the key–”

I floated the key out of my pocket and gave her a glimpse of silver, smirking. “You were saying?”

“Okay,” she said, sighing and rubbing her forehead. The few ponies that were out this late at night were crossing the street to get out of our way. “You planned this out, what exactly do you want to do at your apartment that’s so important?”

“I want to pick up some stuff. Stuff for us. You know, that kit I told you about? I thought you might like some of the stuff in there,” I took a step forward to nuzzle at her cheek and whisper. “Plus, I have that four-post bed, which I’m so going to use tonight.”

“Wait,” she said, the steel in her voice melting under the heat of my breath. “You said we’d wait until I was–”

“We are,” I said, kissing her cheek. “Trust me, I won’t do anything until you give the okay, and if I do do something you don’t like, you know what to say.”

“Right,” she said, slowly nodding her head while I watched the tiny little movements of her muscles and tendons in her neck contracting. Once I finally got her to be okay with the two of us having sex, I was going to have so much fun. Like, even more fun than I was having just tormenting her.

“Uhmm… Sweetie,” she said, pulling her head back and staring at me. “You’ve got this look in your eyes and–”

“To the penthouse!” I said, trotting forward in a sprint. Or… what was a sprint for me. For Scootaloo, it was more like a light jog. “You’re going to love it, I promise.”

“Uh-huh,” she said, easily keeping pace with me. “So, how are you going to get into the penthouse without being seen by the paparazzi?”

I stumbled to a halt, almost tripping over myself as I spotted a small group of ponies loitering across the street from my apartment with cameras hanging around their necks. “Okay,” I said, rubbing the back of my head. “This is…” I looked to the alley leading to behind the apartment building. “The service entrance.” I nodded and turned around. “We’ll have to take some back alleys, but it shouldn’t be too hard.”

“Or we could just go home and come back later with–”

“With my mom?” I asked, tilting my head as we trotted over to another alleyway a block or so away from the group. “Yeah, I think I’ll pass on that considering that half the reason I did this was so I could get you alone.” I smiled at the fantasies playing in my head. “Oh, you’re going to love this.”

“Yeah, you keep saying that,” Scootaloo said, letting me lead as we ducked into the alley and I stepped around a puddle of garbage water. She just hopped over it. “But you won’t tell me what I’m going to love.”

I rolled my eyes. “Because it’s a surprise. And if you don’t like it, you just have to say ‘Rainbow Dash’ and I’ll stop, so… let me surprise you? Please?”

“Fine,” she said, sighing as we passed under a fire escape. I glanced at the building on my left, the building I’d had my first show at. Huh, how far had I come since then? Or not come? Back with less than I had in almost every way, but maybe more in some.

“Relax, Sweetie,” Bright Lights said, kissing my neck as somepony finished fitting me in my costume. “You’ve spent weeks practicing for this part, you’ll be great. If I doubted you, would I be here?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head and looking at her through Joy-tinted goggles. I felt like smiling, but not so much that it would rip my face up. A casual smile. A smile that came with a few more drugs than just Joy to hit the sweet spot. Tranquility? I closed my eyes and nodded. Maybe some tranquility. “My medicine will last through the show? I don’t want to–”

“Of course, it will last,” she said, stroking my mane. “You think I’d leave you onstage with your cold sweats? Everything will be fine, Sweetie, just go up there, hit your lines, and sing your heart out.” She leaned in and whispered in my ear. “Sing for me, okay?”

I nodded at her as a fog fell over my eyes. “Oh no,” Bright Lights said, trotting over to a cabinet drawer. “Here, take some Pep before you go out there. We don’t want you zoning out on stage.”

“Sorry,” I said, shaking my head and swallowing the pill she gave me without even bothering to take water. Where had the costume mare gone? Hadn’t she been here a minute ago?

“It’s fine,” she said, giving one last kiss and turning around to flick my nose with her tail as she opened the door up. “Now get out there and do what you’ve been training for. I know you won’t disappoint me.” I stepped towards the door and placed a hoof in the middle of a puddle. Seriously, had it been raining earlier today and I just hadn’t noticed?

“Sweetie?” Scootaloo asked, raising an eyebrow at me, crystal in her hoof. “You alright? You kind of zoned out there?”

“Yeah,” I said, giving her a smile and stepping forward, ignoring my one wet hoof. “Just... walking through some old memories. You know, I had my first bridleway show here.”

“I know,” she said, putting the crystal back in her saddlebags. “I was there.”

“Really?” I asked, looking back at her and almost stepping in another puddle of garbage water. “I…”

“Yeah, your mom and I went to see all your shows at least once. I know that’s only like… five shows, but still, we did our best to keep close,” Scootaloo said, hopping over the puddles I weaved around.

“Really?” I asked, tilting my head. “How was I? Up on stage?”

“You mean you don’t know?” she asked tilting her head as we trotted over to the service entrance. “How’s that work?”

“Lots of drugs,” I said, dropping my voice as we got closer to the guard outside the service entrance. “Like, a lot of things about the last three years are really blurry, and the things I do remember are more like… impressions?” I shook my head. “I don’t know, it’s like it’s murky, but sometimes, a memory will just turn crystal clear and it’s like I’m reliving it all over again.” Except for the sex; for some reason, that was fixed in my head pretty well. Maybe it was because I kept a journal for it? Speaking of which, hopefully, I still had it. It would make for good inspiration with Scootaloo.

“Well, you were fine on stage. You sounded great, and I couldn’t tell you were completely pumped full of drugs,” Scootaloo said as we rounded the corner to the service entrance. She was about to say more, but then I gave her a kiss to keep her quiet while I talked with the guard.

“Oh, hello, Miss Belle,” he said in his gruff, almost gravel voice, nodding at me. “Been a while since I seen you. Heard all the stories in the papers, and… Are they true? You don’t seem like the type of mare who’d do that stuff.”

I sighed. I could lie. I could lie really easily, but… if I wanted to get better, I had to own this, right? “They’re true,” I said, frowning and taking a deep breath. “I… I wasn’t in a good place back then, and I tried to take a bunch of shortcuts to feeling happy. I’m trying to be better, though.”

He looked at me and shrugged. “Well, we’ve all made some mistakes, I s’pose. ‘Sides, you were always pretty decent whenever we talked.”

“I was?” I asked, tilting my head at him. “I… are you sure?”

Another nod. “Saw it with my own eyes. Maybe not that talky, but you’d always smile and say thanks when ya passed. Reckon we all do some rough things growin’ up. Trick is getting past ‘em.” He moved to open the door and let us through. “Err… if you don’t mind me editorializin’, that is.”

I smiled at him as I passed. “No… it’s fine, thank you…” Shoot, what was his name? It would be kind of bad if I had to ask that now after he was so nice to me. I redoubled my smile. “Thank you, it’s nice hearing that from somepony.” Even if I’m not sure I believe it. “Uhmm… could you not tell the press I’m here?”

“Tell ‘em who’s here?” he asked, laughing. “I don’t see nopony here.”

I gave him another nod as Scootaloo and I walked into the building and navigated the corridors to the elevator. “So, he was nice,” Scootaloo said.

“Yeah,” I said, frowning. “Is it bad I don’t remember his name? I probably would if he was a mare, though.” I shook my head. “Well, I wouldn’t, because I don’t really remember their names, but I’d have been a lot more interested in getting to know her. Was that a Trottingham accent?”

“I don’t know,” Scootaloo said, following behind me. “I don’t pay attention to that stuff. Anyways…” She trailed off as I summoned the elevator. “So, what are we doing again?”

“Really? I told you, like, five times that it’s a surprise. If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?”

“You know, I don’t really like surprises, at least not surprises that have me getting tied up,” she said as the door opened and we trotted into the elevator. I clicked my floor.

I laughed. “Well then, don’t worry... you won’t be getting tied up.” Beneath us, the elevator lurched up. “You’ll be tied down. That’s a completely different thing.”

“Yeah, the second you pull out a whip or hot candle wax, I’m shouting Rainbow Dash,” she said. I looked around the elevator. No mirrors, thank Celestia.

“First, that’s amateur-hour stuff. Well, whips are still fun, but…” I probably wasn’t helping my case. “Not important. What is important is that I’m not going to do anything to hurt you unless you tell me you’re okay with it.”

“So, what?” she asked. I tapped my hoof as I watched the counter climb. “You’re just going to tie me down and make out with me?” I tried not to grin as I caught her wings flare out at the thought. My little Scootaloo was on the hook. Now to reel her in. “That’s…”

“That’s part of what I’ll do,” I said, leaning in to kiss her. Our lips pressed together, and I ran a hoof down her to stroke her wings. Ooh! I could try wingplay, I’d never really messed with it a lot, but if it was anything like hornplay… I’d have to ask Twilight about that. “A small part. Maybe…” What was one of those fancy literary words? I shook my head. It wasn’t important. “Well, you’ll seeeee.”

She groaned and the elevator ground to a halt. My level, time to go. “Yeah, right, it’s a surprise. Just promise it won’t be too crazy, alright?”

“I can’t promise that,” I said, pulling my key out of my pocket. “Like, what makes something crazy for me is completely different from your crazy.” I floated the key up near the ceiling. “Let’s say me, I’m here.” I dropped the key down and floated it near the floor, raising it from just a few inches off the ground up to my eye level. “And you’re somewhere around here.” I stopped the key right where my leg joined my barrel. “And this is what I’ve planned for tonight.” I turned around to unlock my room. “So it all depends on how adventurous you are.”

“Uhmm… excuse me, my mom’s the captain of the Wonderbolts, and Rainbow Dash is like an honorary big sister. I think I can handle a bit of adventure,” she said, walking up to stand right behind me.

I rolled my eyes and flicked my tail in her face, imagining her catching a whiff of my shampoo. “Yeah, okay, maybe normally. Like, if we’re fighting a dragon, you’ll be way more into that than me, but if it’s going to an orgy… I bet you wouldn’t even like an orgy.”

“Do most ponies?” she asked as the lock clicked and the door swung open. “Like, I thought that was some weird deviant stuff.”

“I don’t know,” I said, “but that’s where we’re at. They’re weird and bad for you, but they’re completely normal and kind of boring for me. I had an entire… host of ponies working on me to make sure I felt good. At least three, plus props and tools.” I trotted into the living room and paused, eyes darting to the spot next to the couch where the red used to be. The carpet had been shampooed clean, and… my eyes searched the room. There was hardly any trace of what I’d done. I saw a little something in the window. Hardly. I shook my head. We can deal with that later, first we have to deal with Scootaloo.

“Wait, three? Why would you need three ponies?” Scootaloo asked, lagging behind me as I trotted to my bedroom.

“Horn, lips, and…” I quirked my head. “But that was only when I was good, and Bright Lights thought I deserved a reward. The rest of the time, I just played… games with her.” Against my will, I found a smile forming on my lips. “And she knew how to play. Every time I came home, it felt like she had something new and crazy planned out.”

“Uhmm… that sounds crazy in a really bad way,” Scootaloo said. I just rolled my eyes. “And… three ponies? Really? How am I supposed to compete with that?”

I stopped and turned around to nuzzle her neck. “Scootaloo, you’re not going to. It’s not supposed to be a competition. We both love each other, and we’re going to make each other happy because we love each other. I know I’m crazy and jaded when it comes to sex, but this… this is as weird and new to me as it is to you. So you’re not going to compete. We’re going to experiment and see what stuff you like. See what makes you happy. See what makes you feel good. Think of me as… a teacher who loves you, alright?” I pulled away and tilted my head, begging her with my eyes to say yes.

“Yeah, alright,” she said with a sigh. “Just… a little intimidating, you know?”

I turned back and opened the door to my bedroom, jumping through with a little squeal. “That’s great news. I bet the intimidation, does it make you feel mare-ish? Subby? Is that good for you? Because for me, being in the hooves of a master, completely subject to their whims…” My eyes threatened to roll back in their socket. “Oh, I wish I was you right now, fresh-faced and not knowing anything, and in for the night of your life.” I cackled. “The intimidation is good though, right? That weakness in the back of your legs? The mix of fear and excitement at seeing what’s behind this door?” I trotted to my bookshelf and floated it aside to reveal a secret passageway.

“Welcome, Scootaloo, to my inner sanctum!” I jumped into the secret room that used to be a very large closet and gave a twirl. We’d had to expand the walls and take up more than a bit of one of the baths, but it was so worth it. On the red padded walls hung all sorts of nice toys for me to use, but the real surprise was under the four-post bed.

“Ho… ly… Celestia,” Scootaloo said, crossing the threshold with her eyes big like dinner plates. “We didn’t find this room when we were cleaning.”

“I can tell,” I said, flopping on to the bed and laughing. “Oh, I bet I would have heard if you found my little treasure trove. But you didn’t, so I get to see your reaction for the first time.” I rolled off the bed and stood up straight, magically smoothing out the sheets as I did so. “Now, get on the bed and lay down.”

“What?” she asked, pausing in her tracks and looking at me. “You’re seriously going to go straight to tying me down? I thought there’d be more time for talking and stuff.”

“You thought wrong,” I said, shaking my head and putting as much steel in my voice as I could. “Now get on the bed.”

“Fine,” she said, getting on the bed and collapsing on her stomach.

“On your back,” I corrected, keeping my eyes on her and floating the emergency rope supply out of its hiding place. “And remember, if you feel uncomfortable, if you want me to stop immediately, you know what to say, right?”

“Yeah,” she said, trying to hide her nervous swallow as I unwound the first coil and wrapped it around a bedpost. “So… can I ask what’s up with you and tying me up?”

“Sure,” I said, shrugging and tightening the knot around the post before looping the other end around Scootaloo’s forehoof, careful to get it tight enough that she couldn’t just slip it out. “You like feeling subby or mare-ish or whatever you want to call it.” I tightened the knot. “Oh, spread your wings out, please.”

“Why?” she asked, lifting her head up to look at me. And there I went, being all nice and not at all stallion-ey like she wanted me to be.

“Just do it,” I said, voice stern as I tightened the rope a smidge tighter than I needed to. The second she spread her wings out, I loosened it just enough. “Great.” I went to the next rope. Three more left. “So, you want to feel subby, and what’s more subby than being completely helpless in my clutches. You like being overpowered when we kiss, so I figure you’ll really like being completely powerless.” I tightened the second rope and trotted over to kiss her forehead. “Trust me, if you want to feel subby, this will make you feel subby.” I flopped down next to her as I continued tying the rope from memory. “Ooh, I remember when I was in your place, and it was just so…” I shivered. “I get why you want this, and that’s why I know you’ll love what I’ve got planned.”

“And we’ll go at my speed, right? You’re not going to...” she asked as I hopped off the bed and finished up the third rope. I smiled at that. She was already sinking into her happy space, giving more and more power to me. I wasn’t going to disappoint.

“Yep,” I said. “I’m not going to do anything to you tonight that you don’t beg me to do.” I laughed. She didn’t understand why, but she would. “Now…” I floated a bag out from a cabinet and set it down next to the bed. “This is… one of my kits. The nicer one. I’m going to take out every last item in here, show it to you, and then tell you how I’m going to use it on you.” I hopped on the bed and straddled her before bending down to nibble at her ear and whisper. “But first, I’m going to take something of yours.” My horn lit up and Scootaloo winced as an orange feather floated into her view. “A new toy.” I traced the outline of her cheek with it. “Have you ever been tickled with one of your own feathers before?”

She shook her head, and I smiled down at her, running it down her neck and closer towards the soft hairs of her belly, although calling it a belly wasn’t quite right with her. Either way, the skin was still soft and sensitive and perfect for tickling. “Do you want me to stop?”

More head shaking, and I caught the way her eyelids kind of fluttered. Right, she wasn’t used to any of this stuff. Don’t go too overboard, otherwise the punishment won’t work. “Alright,” I said, floating a bolt of purple silk out of the bag and rubbing it against her cheek. “Now let me tell you what I’m going to do with this.”

♪♪♪

I whispered the answers in her ear, giving her little tastes of what she could be having. A touch of silk, a nibble, the feeling of my lips, the tingle of magic, a tickle with the feather, and more. Never too much, just enough to tease her and build her up higher and higher until she was on the top of a cliff face. “So,” I said after I finished my lecture, smiling at the way her body burned under me. “Do you want me to stop? To let you go?”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry,” I said, looking down at her. “Good mares use their words. Say what you want.”

“I want…” Her back leg spasmed as I traced the feather along her lips. “I want…”

“Say it,” I whispered, leaning down close, my words tickling the fine hair of her cheek. “Say what you want or I won’t do anything. I’ll just untie the knots and let you go home and we’ll never do this again.”

“No,” she screamed, shaking her head. “No… do it. I want you to do everything to me. Please.”

“Are you suuuureeee?” I asked, stretching out the last word. The next part was going to be hard for both of us, but she needed to be punished. Plus, it would probably make the part after the next part better. “Because that doesn’t sound like the way a good mare would ask. In fact, it sounds like something a stallion would say.” I moved the feather up to tickle under her chin. “And you know I don’t date stallions.”

“Sorry,” she said, her cheeks going red. “I… please. Please just… I don’t know what I should even ask for. We’re not going to have sex, but at the same time, this feels a lot like it, just without the stallion.”

I pulled the feather away and hopped off her. Stupid straight mare. How could she not know anything about this stuff? “Time out. Scootaloo, mares can have sex. You… get that, right? Like this, what you want me to do to you, that’s sex. Yeah, it’s not boring traditional sex, but you don’t need…” I shook my head. “What you want me to do is have sex with you. Got it?” Okay, some purists might argue that what I had planned was too passive to really count, but what did they know?

“Really?” she asked, retreating from the edge I’d built her towards. Not that that heat I’d put in her was going away any time soon. “But there’s no… I always thought you needed a stallion to actually have real sex and not just fool around.”

I just shook my head and brought the feather down on her. There was no way getting into a debate about ‘real’ sex wouldn’t just kill the moment. “Just pretend I kind of know what I’m doing, alright? Now…” I bent over to kiss her barrel, lightly dragging my teeth across her tender flesh. If she was as sensitive as me, she’d be getting a nice tingle jolting up and down her body right now. She squirmed under me. She was. “Tell me what you want.”

“Have sex with me. Please, have sex with me, or whatever you want to call it, just take all that crazy stuff in your head and do it to me, alright? Please,” she said, lifting her head up to look at me. Almost ready.

“Beg,” I said, taking the silk and rubbing it against her inner thigh. “And do it in the submissive mare-ish way possible.”

“Alright,” she said, squirming under the silk’s touch. “Please. please do everything you can to me. Please, I’ll be nice and subby. I’ll even say I want to be subby for you, just stop teasing me.”

I pulled the silk away and raised an eyebrow. “You want to be a mare?” She nodded. “You want to touch your inner femininity?” More nodding. “You won’t act all stallion-ey around me anymore? You’ll just be nice and submissive and sweet. You’ll be my nice little Scootadoll?”

“Really?” Scootaloo asked, lifting her head up for a half second before letting it go down again. “Don’t you think you’re kind of overdoing it?”

“Fine,” I said, swishing around to the door. “If you don’t want it, I can just find something else to do.”

“Alright, fine!” she yelled. Good thing we’d soundproofed this room. Noise complaints can really ruin a party. “I don’t even care if you call me your Scootadoll, just… please don’t embarrass me in public too much? When we’re alone, though, I’m completely yours.”

I grinned and took a step towards her. “If you’re sure that’s what you want…” I said. “I’d hate to twist your hoof.” I laughed and gave her a kiss on the cheek and caressed her whole body all at once with my magic. “But if you really want to be my good mare…” I narrowed my eyes. “Maybe you shouldn’t have embarrassed me in front of three princesses today. In front of my mom.” I pulled away and floated the silk bolt, unravelling it. “I think you need to think about what you’ve done, and maybe you’ll learn something.” I lifted her up slightly in the air so I could start cocooning her in silk, starting just below where her forelegs met her barrel after making sure the rope didn’t give her enough slack that she could mess with my wrap. “So… I think I’m going to give you some alone time.”

“Wait, Sweetie, what are you doing?” Scootaloo asked as my wrap moved lower, binding her wings against her tight. That was the trick, to make sure it was tight but still give her enough room to wriggle and writhe. I grinned to myself. She’d be doing a lot of that.

“You’ll see,” I said, moving down to wrap each leg individually, it was going to be tricky, but if I did the trip back right, from her hoof to her lower barrel… well, she’d feel it. Her eyes went wide with realization as I moved to bind her legs together. “I had to double layer it at some points, so it might get a bit… hot in there.” She fidgeted, and I imagined all that silk rubbing against her skin and fur. I shivered. What I’d give to be her right now.

“Anyways, I’ve got some stuff to take care of,” I said, turning towards the door after spending a minute to watch the way she wiggled in her cocoon. “I’ll be back in a little bit. Try not to tire yourself out while you think. Oh! And don’t mess up the silk too much, it was pretty expensive to get that much that’s that good, but isn’t it worth it?”

There was a bit of a grunt, a whimper, and a moan in response as I trotted out of the room and shut the door. Wow, she was that far gone already? Probably shouldn’t leave her for too long, then.

“I’m proud of you,” an image of Bright Lights said, appearing right in front of me. “I’m happy to see you learned under my tutelage.” I walked right through her.

“Look, I really don’t want to have a conversation with you right now,” I said, trotting to my armoire and opening the top cabinet. “I have things to do, and judging how Scootaloo’s doing, probably not that long to do it.” I tilted my head. Not that I couldn’t let her squirm a little longer. This was supposed to be a punishment, right? I grabbed the false back in the cabinet with my magic and pulled it away, revealing my hidden stash. Twelve pill bottles full of fun or oblivion or whatever it was I’d wanted back then. I stared at them.

“You have to do this, Sweetie,” my mom said from behind me. “It’s important you make this choice, not anypony else.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” I said, scooping the pill bottles plus a bottle of rum up with my magic.

“Yes, make a clean break with your past self,” Bright Lights said as I trotted over to the bathroom. “You can’t be you anymore, but you’re doing a wonderful impersonation of me. You’ve got Scootaloo eating out of your hoof.”

“Don’t even think about comparing us,” I said, entering the master bath and avoiding my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t want to make this a four-way conversation. It won’t be, it’ll still just be you. “I’m doing this for Scootaloo.” I took a breath. “If acting like you is what it takes to keep her, I’ll do it.”

“Mhmm… it doesn’t hurt that you enjoy it though, right?” Bright Lights said, brushing against me as I set down the twelve plus one bottles on the marble counter. “That rush of power, seeing her completely helpless in front of you. It’s more addictive than any drug.” She nipped at my ears. “I gave you a dozen different highs, but I had the only one that ever mattered: Power. Seeing you grovel and beg and do anything for that next sweet little rush, that next hit of pleasure, nothing made me feel better.”

“How do you know that?” I asked, unscrewing the lid to the first bottle and pouring it into the toilet. Goodbye – I checked the label – Dreamer. Huh, was that the one that messed with my head so much? Wouldn’t be sad to see that one go.

“Because you know it,” Bright Lights said. “Why do you think you’re finally getting rid of your last stash of drugs now? Because you found something better.” I gritted my teeth and poured the next bottle out.

“I’m doing it now because this was the first time I could get out of the house and actually do something without three other ponies watching me. I waited for my opening, I saw it when Mom got drunk, and then… okay, it was nice that my relationship with Scootaloo gave me an easy way to deal with her, but it’s not like I’m just doing this because Scootaloo’s bound and helpless and probably screaming her head off in the next room…” I trailed off, imagining how the touch of silk was making her lose her mind and felt a wave of heat radiate through me. I’d be coming back to that image later.

“Mhmm,” Bright Lights said, I didn’t have to see her to know that look of stupid smugness was on her face. “You say that, but your body tells a different story. Don’t lie and tell yourself this is some big victory for you, you’re just trading highs.”

“So what if I like it?” I snapped, pouring more pills out. Goodbye, Zen. “Yeah, it’s fun, but it’s what Scootaloo wants. Me being stallion-ey was the only way I could get her to be with me, and… she’s done so much for me, if this is what it takes for her to be happy, I’ll do it.” I looked back to see Bright Lights’ eyes burrowing into me. “Plus… yeah, it feels great.”

“And so you’re willing to turn her into your very own Sweetie Belle,” she said, smiling. I looked back to my work and poured out more pills. Goodbye, Pep. “You know, maybe this is how I started out. I wonder what the penthouse you’re building for Scootaloo will look like.”

I stomped my hoof and swivelled back around to glare at her. “I never asked for any of this, I never said ‘Hey, Bright Lights, could you get me hooked on a bunch of drugs and take me away from all my friends?’”

She tilted her head and the world lurched around us, we were standing in her dorm, our two younger selves cuddling next to each other. I knew this scene, it was the first time I was in her dorm room, the first time we–

“Is there anything else you want?” Young Bright Lights asked. Stupid Young Sweetie just looked at her like she was her savior.

“Are there pills that make you happy?” young me asked. I winced. It wasn’t my fault. She did this to me.

“Keep telling yourself that,” the older Bright Lights whispered.

“There are,” Young Bright Lights said, smiling. I didn’t see it then, but now I saw the daggers hidden behind her lips, waiting to carve into me. “Would you like me to get you some?”

I closed my eyes and took a breath, not wanting to hear what would come next. Say no, you stupid filly. Say no and save yourself. Get out of there and run and never stop running until you’re on the other side of Equestria. This was my hallucination, it didn’t have to end like–

“Alright,” I said. I opened my eyes to find myself staring at Young Bright Lights, still feeling the heat of her kisses burning through me.

“Then open your mouth and stick out your tongue,” she said, a pill floating towards me wrapped firmly in her pink magic. I nodded and obeyed, eagerly awaiting its touch. Soon it will all be over, soon you won’t hurt anymore. A weight settled onto my tongue, and the whole world dissolved around me as I melted into paradise.

And then, I was standing in a cold bathroom, staring into a toilet filled with pills. “You asked for it. You wanted Joy. I just did what I could to make you happy.”

“It’s still different,” I said, trying to shake off the phantom euphoria of the imagined Joy. “And it’s what I have to do for her to want to be with me.” A cold shaking gripped me. I wasn’t a monster like Bright Lights, I was just doing what Scootaloo wanted, and I did like it. Nopony was getting hurt here.

“I wasn’t hurting you eith–”

“I know!” I yelled as a bolt of magic shot through my horn and ripped her to shreds. She’d be back eventually, but I had a few minutes to finish what I needed to. I gulped and turned back to the last two bottles. The bottle of rum and the bottle of Joy. I grabbed the pill bottle and floated it to me, struggling with the cap.

“Just pour it all out,” my Mom said from behind me. “You know it’s not really happiness.”

The bottle drifted closer to me, and I finally got the cap off. I looked down at the collection of happy pink little pills. Would it be so wrong to just take one pill? You’ve had a hard day, and you deserve a little relaxation. A break from all that guilt and self-loathing. We won’t go back to how we were before just by taking one pill.

That was true, right? I wasn’t… I could still have sex without being a bad mare, I just couldn’t overdo it. Wouldn’t the same be true with drugs? A little Joy now and then? That wouldn’t hurt anypony. A little Joy and a little rum, just to take the sting off. Heck, I had so much tolerance, a pill wouldn’t even do anything. So why not two? Just enough to get the effect.

I flushed away the bad pills. The ones I didn’t need. The ones that just hurt me. I flushed them and hid the empty bottles under the sink. I’d throw them out later. “Sweetie, don’t do this,” my mom said as I grabbed the Joy and the rum and trotted out of the bathroom towards the kitchen.

“Come on, it’s just one drink and one pill. I kind of deserve that much, don’t I?” I asked, looking at her as I walked. “I can still date Scootaloo, right?”

“Yeeeeessss,” she said, shaking her head. “But I really don’t see how your relationship with Scootaloo pertains at all to…” she pointed at the bottles. “This poison.”

“Right, so me having orgies all the time and doing all that crazy sex stuff was definitely bad, right?” Mom nodded. “But me dating Scootaloo is okay, so… obviously, if I don’t over do it, it’s okay. Like, you can get drunk occasionally and it’s okay.”

“Yes, Sweetie, but I don’t get drunk just to feel okay with myself. I don’t do it just to make the self-loathing stop for a few hours. There’s a difference between drinking with friends and drinking to self-medicate,” she said.

“But I’m already pretty medicated,” I said, ignoring her. “So what’s one more pill? Just to feel good for a few hours without all this guilt and stuff. Besides, I don’t know how to get any more Joy, so once this is gone, I’ll be out forever.”

“You just orchestrated a gambit to get back to your penthouse and spend some time alone. I think you’re smart enough to find somepony to sell you more Joy,” Mom said as I reached the kitchen and pulled out a whiskey glass.

“Okay, maybe,” I said, shaking my head and unscrewing the cap to the rum bottle, “but I’m not going to, so I don’t see what the big deal is. Don’t you trust me?” I poured about a third of a hoofful into the glass and floated a pill out of the Joy bottle.

Mom raised an eyebrow and I laughed. “Right, probably not,” I said, shaking my head. “Well, anyways…” I lit up my horn. “Bye.” And a bolt of magic shot out, tearing my mom apart and leaving me alone as I plopped the pill into the punch and watched it dissolve, swirling my drink around to help it along.

I trotted over to the window, drink floating next to me and traced a hoof along its length before stopping at the small crack in it. How many more throws would it have taken until… My eyes looked down into the inky black at the ground and the rows of street lights and neon signs. Standing on the edge of the cliff, imaging the fall and the splat. I gulped down my drink. I already knew.

And that was it. The drink ran down my throat and settled in my stomach, a slow heat spreading out within. How much longer until I started feeling it? Or stopped feeling it? My lips tried to twitch upwards as I took a seat on the couch, laying on my back and looking at the ceiling fan. I floated the rum and pill bottle under the counter. Not too much longer.

♪♪♪

I laughed at the world, my head smushed up against the window, looking down at the world of light below. Bright pinks and neons and every other color striking out against the black and illuminating the city. It was all so pretty, I could practically reach out a hoof and touch it. My hoof tapped to the song beating in my heart, words just out of hearing. “Duh-duh-duh-duhhhhhh-dada-duhhhh,” I sang. Not quite real singing, no words yet, but it was a song. “And I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day when I felt the way that I do right now.” Better.

My head swirled away from the light to see the penthouse with new eyes. Or was it old eyes? Eyes that saw color popping out of the world instead of a grey fog. I giggled some more and vaulted over my couch, landing on the cushioning. “Let’s see you do that, Scootaloo,” I said.

Scootaloo… Scootaloo… There was something about her I was forgetting. I shook my head. Probably not important. Nothing was important but the next taste. About keeping this feeling alive. About not falling off the roof of the world. That’s what I wanted. To stay up here. I hopped over to the kitchen and poured another glass of rum. One more won’t hurt. You’ll feel even better than you do now.

“You’re right, voice in my head,” I said after another bout of laughter. “And what do you say about another pill?”

“Sweetie,” Mom said, coming out from nowhere. “Don’t do this. You justified it to yourself as just one pill, and now you’re already bargaining for another. You know how this road ends.”

“No, I don’t,” I said, rolling my eyes at her. “I’ve never been here before, because I’m free! Nopony’s pulling my strings anymore, and… I have to do this, you know? Like, I can’t take hurting and feeling awful anymore. I want to be happy again. Not forever, tomorrow I can go back to feeling all weird and bad, but can’t I just be happy tonight?”

“Ooh, keep bargaining with yourself, Sweetie,” Bright Lights said, coming to stand next to Mom. “I love the way you’re proving me right. Proving I wasn’t responsible for what you did. You were. Every awful thing you did was your fault.”

“Get out of here,” I said, taking my other drink and rubbing my cheek with one hoof. “I’m so sick of you, and if I can’t get rid of you now… Can’t I get one night without any voices in my head?”

“Actually,” Doctor Hooves said, joining in the chorus. “Substance abuse is exacerbating the problem, not helping it.”

“You hear that, Sweetie?” Bright Lights said, taking a step forward and pouring out another glass for me and setting out a pill.

I closed my eyes and took a breath, trying to clear my head, but it was like… like there was this crackling energy that wanted to eat the world, and nothing I could do could completely get rid of it. “Maybe… Maybe I made a mistake,” I said as the pink something ripped through my head again, scattering away… whatever I’d been thinking about. “Maybe…” I blinked. Nopony was there. Had anypony ever been there?” I shook my head and grabbed my pill bottle.

What are you forgetting? It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but the feeling, the pulse beating in my heart, driving me higher and higher. The higher you are, the longer the fall. Didn’t matter either, I wasn’t going to fall, I could fly. I took a step towards the window and stopped, catching myself. I couldn’t actually fly. I sat on the couch and took a breath, trying to steady myself.

“This isn’t right,” I said, rubbing my forehead. “This is… I’m doing something bad, I just can’t…” I sighed and sunk into the couch. “Is it so bad that I don’t want to feel guilty all the time?” I tried to smile, but it felt false. Maybe if I took more Joy? I had to overcome the tolerance.

“No!” Mom said in my voice. “No more pills, you need to go back to your room, untie Scootaloo, and get out of here. Burn it down, preferably, but get out!”

That’s what I was forgetting! Scootaloo was still bound up in her silk cocoon. Luckily, it had only been… I glanced at the clock. Almost two hours. Uh-oh. I trotted back to the kitchen and hid the bottles. No point risking anything, and a few more seconds probably wouldn’t hurt Scootaloo one way or another, right? Like, the damage was done. I shook my head and moved back to my bedroom. I paused at the door and took several deep breaths, trying to clear my head before opening the door and seeing what lay beyond.

Scootaloo was… She looked almost passed out, her body completely limp and eyes closed. If it wasn’t for the occasional twitch, I might have believed it. “Scootaloo?” I asked, moving into the room.

“Glugh?” Yeah, definitely left her in there a bit too long. A lot too long.

“Uhmm… can you say an actual word?” I asked, moving closer to her and grabbing one end of the silk with my magic. She shook her head. “Okay, I’m really sorry about leaving you here so long. I… lost track of time.” I gave a tug at the silk. “Just give me a second, though, and you’ll be–” A bolt of magic ran through me and pulled me inside myself. “Really? Now! You’ve got to be–”

The world ripped apart and I was suddenly standing back in Mom’s suite. “–Kidding me!” I glared up at Mom. “You need to let me go, right now.”

“Excuse me,” Mom said, tilting her head, her eyes still had a faint glassy look to them. Good, maybe she wouldn’t notice my – I laughed – giddiness. “You’ve been gone for almost four hours, it’s nearly one in the morning. You’ll pardon me for worrying about you.”

“No, you don’t understand, I need to get back to… I left Scootaloo at the penthouse,” I said, shaking my head and looking for Twilight. Luna was probably already in bed. She had to be, it was kind of her job.

“You were where?! Mom asked, taking a step towards me, her eyes snapping back into focus. “The penthouse? How did you even– I didn’t give you the key.”

“Remember when I had to do my hair?” I asked, smiling at her. Stop smiling! Normal ponies wouldn’t smile now. “I kind of borrowed the key to my penthouse while I was doing that.” And why was she getting mad at me, anyways? I wasn’t a prisoner, was I? I could go to my own house, right? A pit of charcoal ignited in my stomach. “Anyways, it doesn’t matter, I need to get back to Scootaloo as fast as possible.” I looked to Twilight who was collapsed on the couch. Magic plus alcohol must’ve taken it out of her.

“She’s a big mare, she can find her way back here,” Mom said, moving to keep herself between me and the door.

“Not when she’s tied up, she can’t,” I yelled, trying to sprint past her. Mom was faster, though, and a second later, I felt magic wrap around my tail. You really need to get in better shape. If you were faster, you could be at the door now. Except the door was ultra locked or something, so did it really matter that much?

“Wait,” Twilight said from behind me, “why is she tied up? Did something happen? Did you tie her up?”

“Uhmm… yeah, I did, but probably not in the way you’re thinking.” I shook my head. “Look, can I please go get her? If I leave her all night, she… won’t be in a good place in the morning.”

“What other way could you tie somepony up? Is she in danger? We need to–”

“No, Twilight, dearest, we don’t. Do you remember that book we read? Venus in Furs?” Mom asked.

Twilight stared at her and me, gears in her head grinding away. “Oh. Ohhhhhh.” She rubbed the back of her head. “Sorry, Sweetie, I’m still a little… I shouldn’t have accused you of anything.” I tried to make my smile look appropriately sympathetic.

“Scootaloo’s suffering because of your…” a younger me appeared from nowhere and spat, “addiction.”

“Hmm, apparently you didn’t take enjoy Joy to erase your guilt,” Bright Lights said, standing next to her. “Perhaps you should take more. Just a few more pills and you’ll finally have a piece of peace and happiness. How long has it been since you had that?”

“Anyways,” I said, talking to the two real ponies in the room. “Can we get going? Because I’m guessing you won’t let me get her without you.”

Mom nodded and turned to the door, her horn lighting up to do their weird complicated unlocking thing. Twilight followed after. “You’re completely right, Sweetie. While I do apologize for interrupting you in one of your more intimate moments, I’m still not about to trust you on your own.”

“And she shouldn’t,” Young Me said from behind me. “The moment you had a bit of freedom, you went back to using drugs.”

“It’s not my fault,” I whispered, hopefully low enough Mom and Twilight wouldn’t hear. “I was trying to get rid of them, but Bright Lights…”

“Still blaming me even when I’m nowhere near you, I see,” Bright Lights said, laughing. “When will you accept that all this is your fault? That you’re a bad twisted mare who can’t be trusted to do anything right? Once you embrace your brokenness, I promise you’ll be so much happier.”

“Not talking to you,” I mumbled, drawing my coat tighter. Had I just not taken it off in the penthouse? Let’s see, I led Scootaloo to the inner sanctum, tied her up, wrapped her up, flushed most of my drugs, took some, had a drink, stared at the ceiling, and… Nope! I laughed. Everything else and I’d still kept my coat on. Mom looked back at me.

“Sorry,” I said, smiling at her. Don’t act dumb. Just… be quiet, and maybe they won’t notice the song humming in your head. The beating in your heart. Just be dull ordinary Sweetie until you can get to Scootaloo and you’ll be fine. “I’m getting kind of tired, feels like we’re reaching the end of a really long day.” Although, really, as long days go, this probably wouldn’t break into the top five. Number one was Loop Day by a mile, and then… first day of school? There were a few really long days in that first semester at the academy.

“...About to head to bed, ourselves,” Mom said as we trudged into the elevator. I lifted my head up.

“Sorry, what was that? I was kind of zoning out,” I said, shaking my head and smiling at her. Was I smiling too much? Too much smiling gives away the Joy, and then there’ll be trouble.

“I was just saying that before we summoned you, Twilight and I were about to head to bed,” Mom said as we started our descent. In my head, I tried to imagine every detail of the penthouse. Anything to give me away? The rum and pills were hidden, but… the glass wasn’t. Would that be enough for Mom to figure it out? What about Twilight? She was smart, but kind of had her head in the clouds, she didn’t have Mom’s eye for detail. The two of them together definitely could.

“Sorry,” I said. That’s what I should say, right? What normal Sweetie would? I buried a nervous laugh. Stop laughing. What even is normal Sweetie? A figment of a broken mind. “I didn’t meant to keep you up, I just… I got kind of carried away.”

“It’s fine,” Mom said as our elevator plunged lower and lower. “Rescuing Scootaloo is more important than Twilight and I…” She trailed off and shook her head as realization clicked in my head, burning like a million candles laughing.

“Gah!” I said, thudding my head against the mirrored wall. It didn’t crack, this time. “I’m so stupid and sorry, you were probably going to do something really awesome to celebrate your engagement tonight, and now I just completely ruined it because I’m dumb and inconsiderate and…” I ran a hoof through my mane and avoided the looks Mom and Twilight were giving me while my heart pounded in my head, a smile threatening to form on my lips. Bad bad bad. No smiling. No freaking out. Normal. Be normal. You can do that, right? No.

“I’m sorry,” I said, body jittering as the lights above me seemed to burn too bright. “I wasn’t thinking. I should’ve been thinking, but I wasn’t, I just wanted to spend some time with Scootaloo.” And flush my drugs. “And I completely messed it up because I didn’t think about what you wanted. This was supposed to be your night, and I just ruined it.”

“You’re It’s still utterly ruining fine, it, Sweetie” Bright Lights and Mom said simultaneously, one smiling, one glaring as their words wrestled in my head. “You Twilight won’t and even I let will them have be a mad lifetime at of you, evenings instead together. playing What’s the one ‘poor loss pitiful against me’ that card.” Mom closed her mouth and Bright Light’s finished her thought in peace. I wished she hadn’t. “Let them hate you. They should have that much, at least.”

I ignored Bright Lights and looked at Mom, smiling at her and trying to look apologetic. “Sorry, what was that?” I asked.

“I said that it’s utterly fine.” Mom smiled to mask the worry in her eyes. I laughed. She smiled to hide her fears and I tried to hide my smiling. And laughing.

“Sorry,” I said, waving a hoof at her. “I didn’t mean to laugh. Go on.”

“Are you alright?” she asked, turning to take a step closer to me. “You’ve been acting rather… odd since you got back to the suite.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” I said, rolling my eyes. “My marefriend’s abandoned in my secret room completely tied up and… No, of course I’m not fine, I’d have to be crazy to be fine.” Well… Shut up.

“That doesn’t explain the laughter,” Mom said, voice deadpan. “Most ponies don’t laugh during a crisis.”

“It’s…” I tapped a hoof. Think, think, think. “Nervous laughter? I’m just scared, and it’s like, the only thing I can do is laugh, right?” She looked at me and nodded, apparently buying it.

“It’s wonderful to see how much you care for those around you,” Bright Lights said, still staring at me. How long was this elevator ride going to last? “Willing to lie right to your mother’s face and leave your marefriend tied up. Truly, their love and faith in you is well-placed.” I grit my teeth. With Bright Lights around, maybe not smiling wouldn’t be so hard after all.

♪♪♪

I poked my head into the living room, eyes wide, searching for the only thing that could give me away. “Could you give me a minute?” I asked, looking back at my mom and Twilight. “Just to clean things up so they look nice? I don’t want to embarrass Scootaloo.” Mom raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. Good enough. I slunk into the room and grabbed the empty glass, sticking it in the same cabinet as the rum and the Joy. Hopefully, they wouldn’t look around too hard while I was with Scootaloo.

“Come in,” I said, trotting over to my bedroom. “Just… make yourself comfortable, alright?”

“Of course,” Mom said, trotting into the penthouse, Twilight a step behind her. “We’ll just sit on the couch, then?”

“Sounds great,” I said, giving her a little smile before bolting into my room and dashing into the inner sanctum. Scootaloo wasn’t moving. “Scootaloo?” I asked, stepping closer to her.

“Glugh? Wha?” she said, head lolling to look kind of in my direction, the movement caused her whole body to squirm.

“Are you okay?” I asked, grabbing her with my magic and tugging at one end of the bolt, starting its unravelling. “I’m…” Something hot and wet stung my eyes. “I’m so sorry, this is all my fault. Can you ever forgive me?”

“I‘s fine,” she slurred, another shiver running up her as I unwrapped the silk as fast as I could. “Awesome.”

“That’s…” I exhaled as I finished unwrapping her lower half. “Good to hear. Do you think you can get back to the suite tonight?” She shook her head. “Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” I caught the tiniest of nods.

“Alright,” I said, untying her bonds. I bit my lower lip. “Uhmm… let me just check if that’s okay with Mom and Twilight.”

“‘Kay,” she said, body completely still. I ignored the faint puddle of drool on my silk pillow. As stains went, that wasn’t too bad. I glanced at where I’d thrown the bolt of silk and turned to the door. Once Scootaloo could move, she’d need some water. I felt the parchedness of my lips. Water wouldn’t be that bad for me, either. I laughed. See, Sweetie, everything worked out fine.

“Only because you were very lucky,” Mom said, standing next to me. I paused at the boundary between my room and the living room, I wanted hallucination Mom dealt with before I saw real Mom. Seeing the same pony twice always got weird.

“Yeah, alright,” I said, my magic grabbing the door. “Could we maybe talk about this later?”

“Very well,” Mom said, fading into the distance. “You know to come to me if you need anything, right?”

“Wait, the real you or the voice in my head?” I asked.

I heard her whisper in my ear. “You don’t need me to tell you the answer.”

Yeah, I guess I didn’t. I opened the door and trotted out to Twilight and Mom on the couch. “Scootaloo’s too exhausted to move,” I said, my lips twitching. “Is it okay if I stay here tonight with her?” Mom opened her mouth to say something but I cut her off. “You can stay here too, I have a guest bedroom, so… the penthouse isn’t Sweetie-proofed like the suite is, but it’s just for one night, right?” I sighed. There was still something here I had to do.

Mom looked behind her to the crack in the window. For a long time, nopony said anything. “We’ll stay in the guest room, and as soon as Scootaloo wakes up tomorrow, we’re heading back to the suite. Twilight, what do you think?”

“That sounds fine,” she said, looking from Mom to the guest room. I didn’t need to be psychic to figure out what she was thinking about. “So…” She yawned. “If we’re staying here, I think I’m going to go to bed. You know how much sleep I need these days.”

“I know precisely how much sleep you need,” Mom said, getting up on her hooves and trotting to the door. “I think the both of us will be turning in for the night. I’ll see you in the morning, Sweetie.”

“Yeah, see you then,” I said, trotting into the kitchen and pouring two glasses of water, downing mine immediately. Once the door to their room had clicked shut, I pulled the dirty glass out and washed it, dried it off, and stuck it back in the cabinet. Because that was the bit of evidence we needed to get rid of.

“I’m taking care of it,” I said, grabbing both bottles and trotting back to my bedroom before Mom could come out and ask why I was talking to myself. Not that I thought she would, she probably had other things on her mind. I giggled. Or on her tongue. That’s your mother you’re thinking about. Oh, right. I shook my head and moved to the armoire, pulling out the secret back and putting them in their spot.

“Hey, Scootaloo,” I said, inching into my secret room with both glasses of water. “I got you some water, are you thirsty?”

She nodded and lifted her head up before limply extending a hoof to grab at her glass. “Let me,” I said, propping her head up with my magic. “How are you feeling?”

“Great,” she said, voice raspy, as I brought the glass to her lips. “Just… awesome.”

I raised an eyebrow as she guzzled down the water. “Really? It doesn’t look awesome, you look completely exhausted.”

She smiled and brought her head back down on the pillow. “I know, awesome. You never went that crazy?”

“No, I did,” I said, smiling and sitting next to her on the bed. “And it was great, but I wasn’t there to check up on you, to make sure you were doing alright. This was our first time, and I was gone.” Sure, I meant to be gone for a bit, but not that long. I wanted to see her completely lose her mind.

She managed to do something with her shoulders that could have maybe been interpreted as a shrug. “Thought you wan’ed to be gone. We can do it again if you want, totally wouldn’t complain.”

I smiled and moved to cuddle her, drawing my little Scootaloo close and nestling my head in the crook of her neck. “Oh, we’re gonna do way more than this next time, this was… your warm up. A taste of all the fun things we can do. Next time is going to be a main dish.”

“Yeah…” Scootaloo said. “I’m totally…” She trailed off. “I like doing all this stuff with you, and I get why so many mares in Ponyville are…” She gestured a hoof at me. “But do you think we could wait until I start doing stuff to you? Just so I can get used to it?”

“Sure,” I said, nuzzling her cheek and swallowing something. I could wait I enjoyed it, anyways, being in control. I pressed the limp pegasus tighter against me. This was all the reward I needed. “Whatever you want, Scootaloo. But as soon as Mom finishes those dresses, you better believe you’re wearing them all the time.”

“Whatever,” she said, with a little laugh. “If playing into your weird dress fetish is what I have to do for this, that’s fine with me.”

“It’s not weird,” I said, rolling my eyes. “You don’t think a mare in a short skirt is cute?”

“I don’t think mares are cute,” she said, talking into her pillow.

“But you think I’m cute, right?” I asked, lifting my head up and looking down at her.

“I love you, Sweetie,” she said, eyes closed. “It doesn’t matter if I think you’re cute or not.” How could she give the wrong answer? It was, like, the easiest question in the world. When your marefriend asks if she’s cute, you say she’s cute!

“So you don’t think I’m cute,” I said, pulling away from her and rolling onto my left side.

“It’s… Sweetie, I love you, and when you force me to get all mare-ish, yeah, it turns me on like crazy, but... when I imagine a mare in a short skirt, I just see a mare in a short skirt. I don’t get that same feeling you do.” Why did she have to be straight? This would be a whole lot easier if she liked me and mares. Instead, she just liked one, and I had to… work around the other.

“Apology accepted,” I said, rolling back over to her. “But next time, when I ask if I look cute, just say I look cute, okay?”

“Yeah… you’re cute,” she said, going limp against me now that I was back in my proper place. She flicked her tail and I shivered. “Obviously, you’ve got to be cute, you had mares tripping over themselves to get with you back in the Academy. You had a freaking herd. I think that’s… Yeah, you’re cute.”

Oh, for... Stupid straight mare. Why was the mare I loved also the only straight mare in Equestria? Seriously… I tried to think of another mare who wasn’t at least a little bi. Mrs. Cake? Grandma? I guess Scootaloo was kind of bi, since she was dating me, but it would be freaking nice if she wanted me even a tenth as much as I wanted her. If she could see me like I saw her. “Thanks,” I said, kissing her cheek. “We’ll get you there, one day, right?”

She nodded. “More awesome nights like this, and definitely.” Yeah, more awesome nights where I’m not even in the room with her. Awesome. You know that’s not what she meant. I took a breath to calm myself.

“No problem,” I said, smiling. She couldn’t see me, but I smiled anyways. “We’ll… Yep, I’ll plan out something even better next time. Pretty soon, you’ll be like… ‘Stallions? Why would anypony want to date a stallion? Sweetie’s the way for me.’”

Scootaloo laughed and rolled on her back to kiss at me. I ignored the way her body tensed as her lips met my softness. Progress. “The last part’s already true.” She yawned. “Anyways, I’m pretty exhausted. I’ll see you in the morning?”

“Sure,” I said, smiling a smile – not a false smile or a Joy smile, but a real smile – as her breathing slowed down and she drifted to sleep. “Can’t wait.”

♪♪♪

Hours later, Scootaloo was fast asleep, and I was staring at a dark ceiling as the grey crept back in and Joy faded into emptiness. “You know what you need to do,” Mom’s voice said from the darkness.

“Of course, she does,” Bright Lights said. “She knows there’s only one way for her to feel happy again and it’s in a bottle. You really shouldn’t have mixed your rum and pills, though, Sweetie. Just go straight Joy next time.”

I groaned and pushed myself off the bed, carefully disentangling myself from Scootaloo. She was right, I knew what I had to do. “Remember how good you felt this evening? Back before your mother ruined everything? It was fine, you were doing great. You felt good for once.”

“Yeah, I did,” I said, sliding the door to the inner sanctum shut and pulling the Joy bottle out of the secret back. The rum bottle too. “And then I felt awful.”

“Only because you need more Joy. Why deny yourself something that brings you happiness? Don’t you want to be happy?”

“I do,” I said, trotting to the bathroom, my legs getting heavy. You don’t have to do this. “The withdrawal wasn’t what made me feel awful, though.”

“Oh, boo-hoo, you left your marefriend in a state of mind-blowing ecstasy for almost two hours, I’m sure she’ll forgive you. Oh wait, she already did. Why not give her some Joy? Start sneaking it to her until she needs it, then once she understands, you can do it together,” Bright Lights said.

“Do I even need to say why that’s a phenomenally bad idea?” Mom asked from behind me. “Not to mention a massive betrayal of trust.”

“Now, you’re worried about betraying Scootaloo’s trust? Didn’t stop you when you snuck off to pop your happy pills,” Bright Lights said, I could see her just in front of me, backpedaling to keep me from overtaking her. “Liberate yourself, Sweetie, be that free independent mare I know still burns in your soul.”

“Funny how me being liberated looked a lot like me being your puppet,” I said, glaring at her and walking through her into the bathroom, flicking the light on as I went. “You know, I’m not dumb.” I unscrewed the cap. “Okay, I made a lot of mistakes, I’m still making mistakes, but I’m not going to make them twice. I’m not going to believe that story a second time.” I tilted the bottle and my old Joy came tumbling out into the water, with a series of tiny, barely-perceptible splashes. I stared down at them as they sank to the bottom of the toilet, tinging the water pink as they passed.

“I’m so proud of you, Sweetie,” Mom said, hugging me. “Not only that you did those, but that you chose to without prompting. Don’t let anypony diminish your accomplishment.”

“Even though I messed up? I fell back to… I don’t need to tell you, you were there,” I said. So weird, feeling a hallucination hug you. It wasn’t like the real Mom, it was just this imagined warmth. Like, I knew what hugging her felt like, so I felt a phantom of reality.”

“Perhaps, you did,” Mom said. There wasn’t even a whisper of Bright Lights in the air. “But in the end, you chose a better tomorrow. That’s what matters in the end.”

“Thanks,” I said, smiling and grabbing the rum bottle with my magic, the phrase ‘a better tomorrow’ echoing in my ears. I tilted the bottle downwards, a few more degrees and the half-full bottle would slosh out into the tinged-pink water. A few more degrees. I stopped.

Did I really need to do this? I only had a couple of drinks tonight, and if it wasn’t for the Joy, I probably would’ve been fine. The Joy was the problem. Everypony drank. My mom drank. Twilight drank. Luna drank. Scootaloo drank. The bottle’s opening tilted up. Why couldn’t I drink?

“Sweetie,” Mom said, standing next to me.

“Look, I’m not saying I should drink now,” I said, looking at her and setting the bottle down on the counter. “But… maybe later, it won’t kill me. Everypony else does it, so why can’t I?”

“You know very well why you shouldn’t,” Mom said, narrowing her eyes at me. “You tried make justifications with yourself earlier this evening, and we saw how that turned out.”

“Okay…” I said, pausing and closing my eyes. “But this is different. Everypony drinks, and maybe I shouldn’t drink right now, but one day, I can get there, right?” I grabbed the bottle and turned to the door. “Once I’ve gotten my better tomorrow, what’s the harm in having a drink?”

I didn’t have to look back to see her frown. She didn’t have to tell me the answer. I didn’t have to listen.

Author's Note:

So, we're back with a new chapter. Uhmm... As you already figured out, there's a lot of sexual situations in this chapter. I kind of struggled with this while writing, because sex is hugely important to Sweetie, and I couldn't ignore it, but I also didn't want to just write porn. Hopefully, I struck an okay balance and we can avoid the dreaded "M" rating. It's all about how much you show and how much you leave to the imagination, right?

And hey, Sweetie made a couple of slow staggering steps in the right direction today before immediately taking a step backwards. Yay.

Comments

[Innocent shypony]

Well the sruggles are clear but at least she got rid of all the drugs. The alcohol will be the next one
Great chapter! Can't wait to see Sweetie healthy

[Peachy Keen]

Oh Sweetie, you poor thing. Those drugs have the worst hold on her. It was heartbreaking to see her take drugs again, right after I was so happy for her for dumping out all the other pills! I think her forgetting about Scootaloo for hours was so telling with Sweetie's struggles against selfishness, if that makes sense. Like when she's on drugs or drinking, they bring the selfish side of her to the surface, because as long as she's feeling fantastic, then no one or anything matters. Not to mention that taking the drug in the first place was a somewhat selfish decision anyway, because in a moment of weakness, she chose to disregard the effect that it would have on her family and friends. Not that you can really fault her for it, because it WAS a moment of weakness, we all have those.

Anyway, rambling! I was so glad that she flushed the Joy in the end. She may have kept the rum, but it still took a lot of strength to let the Joy go. Not flushing the booze doesn't make the flushing of the Joy any less significant. Hopefully some day she lets that go too.

Such a great chapter! The stuff that went on in the bedroom was very *ahem* yeah, it was well written! And of course you continue to keep me guessing as to what's going to happen next, as well as balance the wonderful highs and the heartbreaking ( yet believable) lows. Excellent work!

[Rocketknightgeek]

Malleable reality is a pain in the flank isn't it. Honestly, some chapters from the perspective of others might help to stabilize the story at this point because nothing can be trusted as having happened and that only works for so long.

[Distaff Pope]

7040105 Thanks, Peachy. Your comments usually make me pretty happy and this one was no exception. Glad the... *ahem* scenes were appreciated. Like I said in the AN, I don't want to get explicit, but that stuff is hugely important to Sweetie, and she does have a skill for it. I think my story would lose authenticity if I glossed over it completely.

Poor, Sweetie, right? She's trying to do the right thing, generally, but she has all these voices in her head telling her a bunch of other things PLUS she does have this really strong selfish streak that she can't really incorporate with the type of mare she wants to be. She tried back in The Unbearable Lightness, and that really didn't work well for her.

7040140 I don't know, I think Sweetie's perspective is... stable enough. She accurately reports what she's seeing, and when she's sober and stable, her reflection of reality is pretty accurate. Yes, she has her hallucinations and episodes, but I try to hint when those are happening most of the time. Anyways, I'd say a solid 85% of what Sweetie sees is accurate.

7039994 Like most big time recoveries, hers is going to be slow and full of curve balls, but I think this was a big night for her, even if she had her backslide.

[Iron Comet]

I've known people with addictions. They all stumble, it's almost a given. The question is foes Sweetie stand up or stay down?

[Innocent shypony]

7040621 When Sweetie's gonna be recovered a real *ahem* scene would look great where they do it because they love each other that much and not bdsm or what they call it.
Your details are Really good, you're really a talented writer
Well at least she got rid of the drugs. Only the alcohol left. Way to go Sweetie Belle!

[TargetFinder72]

Old Sweetie is like me in fallout