> Your Own Worst Enemy
>  by Distaff Pope
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1. Pull the String
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        My hoof traced idle circles as I stared at the ceiling fan. Spinning. Spinning. Around and around.

        Where am I? My whole body felt heavy. Sinking deeper and deeper into the couch.

        I was on a couch. Why was I on a couch?

        Blinking. Something was wrong. I took a deep breath, and air filled my lungs. Inflating me bigger and bigger. Why didn’t I care?

        Zen. That was it. Pills Bright Lights gave me. When she needed me to be quiet. To not bother her. Just stare at the ceiling and be… zen. But Bright Lights was gone, wasn’t she? Deeper and deeper. Left? My head lolled to the left. To the newspaper.



The Secret Life of Equestria’s Rising Star, by Bright Lights



        Her and the other one… Name? Whoosh of the fan tickling my fur. Rhymed with Bright. Right. Bright Lights left with Right. Right Thinking? Write Thinking? I grabbed a bottle of vodka with my magic and floated it over next to me. She’d killed me. Everypony was downstairs, waiting to publish the funeral. 

Sweetie Belle, seventeen, burned at the stake.

The vodka burned down my throat. I guzzled it down. My magic flickered out and the bottle crashed down off my stomach and onto the carpet floor. Glug. Glug. Glug. Looked down at it. 

        Why? I did everything she’d wanted. Everything. I grabbed a pill bottle and shoved a hoofful down. The bottle floated back up. What was left washed down the pills. Breakfast was over. Was there food left? I hadn’t gone shopping since Bright Lights left, and that was... A week? A month? A year? I hadn’t left the apartment in a while. Had to be something I could eat. Bright Lights always said I shouldn’t take pills on an empty stomach. Bright Lights said a lot of things. Said she loved me. Said she wouldn’t leave. Said every secret of mine to Equestria. Three years. Maybe four? Four years of secrets and parties and games, all that she planned, everypony knew about. 

        How much longer until the funeral? I pushed myself off the couch. Heard a crunch below me. The vodka bottle. A second later, the pain of glass digging into my hoof registered. I whimpered and trotted to the bar at the kitchen. Nopony cares if you scream. Nopony cares.

        “I promise I’ll never stop loving you,” Bright Lights said. We were back in her dorm. When did we get back here?

        “Why did you do it?” I asked. Something in my hoof hurt. “How… How did I get here?”

        She frowned at me and put her hoof to my forehead. “Are you alright, Sweetie? We came here after the Hearth’s Warming Pageant.” She pressed her burning lips against mine and I shivered. My fur was freezing. Everything was freezing. Everything but those lips. I cracked, pushed her away.

        “No,” I said, staggering away from her kiss, lips still tingling. “This is…” My head struggled to stay up. “Not right, we were in our penthouse.”

        Bright Lights laughed. “Don’t be dumb, Sweetie, we won’t go to the penthouse for six more months. You haven’t even starred in the play yet. You haven’t really started rehearsing yet, you’re just being your dumb useless self.”

        “I’m not…” My words slurred together. In and out and in. I took another stagger towards her and winced. Red on the carpets. Didn’t the school clean stains up? “Not… useless.”

        She rolled her eyes. Sitting next to me on the couch in our penthouse. A broken bottle slicked in red was between the couch and coffee table. “Sweetie, what have you accomplished without me? Before I found you, you were just some dumb filly from a nowhere town. I made you famous. Made you into everything you are.” She pinned me against the couch, heat rubbed against heat. I shivered. “Without me, you’re nothing.”

        We twisted, I was on top now. Both of us pressed close close close. Nothing between us. “Obey me, and you’ll want for nothing, Sweetie. All I want is to give you what you want. It’s not too unreasonable to expect a little gratitude, is it?”

        Her hoof stroked. I moaned.

        “No,” I whimpered. Closer. Closer.

        She smiled and kissed my lips, tongue slipping inside me. 

        ”Sweetie Belle.” My name, my ear, but not my voice. A Before voice.

        I fell through Bright Lights and stared at the ceiling. Fan spinning round and round. Circles danced in my brain. Collapsed next to the couch. Red stained the carpet, sunk deep into the roots. Stained everything it touched. It bubbled and spread, eating up the whole apartment.

        Glurp. Pop. Gulp.

        Sinking deeper into the red. Deeper. Eyes looked up at the ceiling fan. Round and round. Red ran down my throat. I took a breath but all I could get was red. More and more red ran into me. I was filling with red. Gasping for breath. Drowning. 

        Sweetie Belle. Seventeen. Drowned by red.

        I rolled over, and the red rushed out. Back onto the carpet. 

        What were those pills I’d taken? There wasn’t any joy here. Staggered up to look at the coffee table. I needed my joy. Grabbed another pill bottle and tried to read the squiggles on the bottle, but they kept shifting around under my eyes. Why was everything spinning around?

        A whole army of pill bottles stretched before me, led by General Rum and Lieutenant Vodka. I needed my Joy. One of these pills was Joy. Two of each then. At least two Joy. To war, the army marched. 

        “You know,” Bright Lights said, one night, her hoof stroking my chest. We both stared at the ceiling, bodies covered in sweat. “There are more pills that can make you feel good. Pills that can make you feel like you can’t even believe. A whole new world of feelings are out there for  you.” She kissed my cheek. “Let me get some, just so you can try them out. What do you say?”

        Of course I said yes. I always said yes to her. I couldn’t not say yes. “Sweetie, I have a new job for you, you need to stop your party and get to rehearsing, you’d die without me.” Yes. Yes. Yes. Always yes, never no.

        ”Sweetie Belle…”

        I woke up crying. That happened sometimes. When I slept too late, when my nighttime cocktail didn’t make it until morning. There used to be screaming, too, until Bright Lights got me Deep Sleep. A night without dreams, guaranteed. No more nightmares after that. No more dreams, either. Just sleep. Empty filling sleep. Better waking up yawning than crying. Bright Lights gave me Joy to keep me smiling. Where was my Joy? I’d lost it. Bright Lights couldn’t get me Joy anymore. Nopony could give it to me anymore. How much did I have left?

        Looking through the medicine armoire. Five shelves filled five deep with bottles. Sweetie Belle’s Reserve. More troops to fight my war. Where was the Joy at? Enough to last tonight? I pulled the bottle off the shelf with my magic. Popped two to start the day right, chase it down with rum. When was Bright Lights coming back? I needed to apologize for upsetting her. It was my fault. Bad and useless. I’d die without her.

        Sweetie Belle. Seventeen. Killed by loneliness.

        Red stained the living room. Sunk into the carpet. I winced with each step, pain digging deeper and deeper. Finally made it to the door. I didn’t have anything to do today, Bright Lights would tell me if I did. She always told me what to do. Door swung open.

        

The Secret Life of Equestria’s Rising Star, by Bright Lights



        The paper screamed at me, and I staggered back. Pain shooting into my brain, ripping from the base of my skull to the tip of the horn. The world swirled around me. World swirled. Round and round.

        Vision clears, and it’s the dream that makes me take Deep Sleep. Scootaloo stared at me on the stage, Apple Bloom and Tiara with her. “Scootaloo, say something,” I sobbed. Please don’t go. I love you. Say the word and I’ll stay. Just… please. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. 

        A glare. “Why would I ever care about you after what you’ve done?”

        “Yeah,” Apple Bloom says, turning her nose up at me. “You ain’t no friend of mine, Sweetie. You ain’t nothin’, now.”

        Diamond Tiara sneered. “Why would anypony love you? You’re useless. The only good you do is what Bright Lights tells you.”

        Scootaloo stomps towards me. “Get out of my life and go to Tartarus.” She shoves me back and I fall into the orchestra pit. Down and down and down. Deeper into the red. Staring up at my penthouse suite. Down, down. Below me, everypony’s snapping photos. Getting ready for the climax. A mare splats onto the asphalt like an overripe tomato. Headline news on every paper in Equestria. 

        Sweetie Belle. Seventeen. Dying to meet her public.

        I screamed as my body splattered onto the couch. Red everywhere. I stared up at the ceiling fan. Round and round and round. Never stopping. On a carousel with my sister. Round and round and round. Everypony’s here. “I have to go,” Rarity says, next to me. I try to follow, but a brass bar is running through my stomach, up to the ceiling. Round and round, they all shuffle off as the carousel for one goes faster and faster. Won’t stop spinning as long as her heart’s beating. 

        Broken glass next to the couch cuts into my barrel. Where did that come from?

        Rarity pushes the glass in deeper. “You know, you deserve this, right? After everything you’ve done. You hurt everypony who ever loved you. After everything I’ve done for you, you storm off. Treat my love like a piece of trash to be thrown away.” She rained punches down on me. Bam. Bam. Bam. Glass digging deeper.  “How does it feel, Sweetie? How does it feel knowing everypony in Equestria hates you? You were worried we wouldn’t like you if we knew who you were, and you were absolutely right.”

        I sobbed under her punches. “You’re right, I’m sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?”

        She pointed at the window of the penthouse. “You know what you have to do, Sweetie. There’s only one thing a pony as worthless as you can do.”

        Tomato. Splat. Headline news. Just in time for the funeral.

        Sweetie Belle. Seventeen. Sudden deceleration..

        ”Sweetie Belle.”

        A glimpse of starlight. Flying through the night sky by chariot, Bright Lights at my side. Always at my side. She’d never leave, until she did. Why was I crying?

        “You made the right choice,” she said from our hotel room in Canterlot. “I’m sure Scootaloo would want you to do what’s best for you. She’ll understand when she sees how famous you are.” She floated a cup of water and a pill over to me.

        “She hates me,” I sobbed. “And why shouldn’t she? I’m so useless and–” I winced. Why did my hoof hurt? Something was jabbing under my skin. “She’ll never forgive me.”

        Bright Lights sighed. “So what? She’s nothing. What does she even matter, compared to the rest of Equestria? What’s her love against everypony’s adoration?”

        My Joy dissolved in my mouth as I stared up at the ceiling fan. Round and round.

        “The trial of Sweetie Belle vs. Friendship is about to start,” Judge Twilight Sparkle said, slamming down her gavel. Everypony got to their hooves. I winced at the weight on them. “How does the defendant plead?”

        “Guilty, your honor,” I said in Bright Light’s voice. “I know how awful and terrible I am, and I throw myself at the mercy of this court.” Tears stung my eyes. 

“Just tell everypony how sorry I am, all I ever wanted was to be happy,” I said, this time with my own voice.

“Are you happy?” Bright Lights asked as I trotted up into the penthouse. Around me, a hundred other Sweetie Belles moaned and squirmed. Eyes lingered on the one hanging from the ceiling-swing as we all took turns whipping her.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

I smiled at the whip. Never enough. She could always take more. Always deserved more. I felt it cut into my flesh and moaned with the rest of the mes. Another crack! Tension built up into me. I wanted to scream. Joy started to fill me. Too early now. I needed to wait until later. Wait until there was nothing but the whip and the joy, and then the floodgates could open.

Crack! Crack! “Yes!” 

Bright Lights stared down at me, holding the whip. A kiss and the lash. A lash and the kiss. She’d keep going until I was raw all over and every nerve in my body sang. Something sharp cut into my hoof.

“The first witness can take the stand now,” Judge Twilight Sparkle said from her bench in the apartment. A waiting audience of Sweeties surrounded us, all eyes focused on the pink mare walking down the aisle, careful to step over the red stains in the carpet.

“I said I was guilty, so why are we doing this?” I asked. All four hooves were bound. They’d twisted me so everypony could see my plot and below. Felt their eyes linger. Weak, stupid, useless.

Twilight slammed her gavel down and mirror rained down on all of us. “Because everypony needs to see what happens to bad, twisted, useless ponies like you. Any more questions?” Her magic grabbed my head and shook it. “We need to know ponies who reject friendship and harmony live in absolute agony. Bad ponies like you don’t get to be happy.” Her horn lit up again and slammed me against the window. Seven hundred feet below, hundreds of reporters waited to hear the verdict. Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Sharpening their daggers downstairs, getting ready to cut up the guilty. Nothing worse than what she deserved.

Melody trotted up to the stand. “When I first met Sweetie, she seemed so sweet and innocent.” She gestured to the ponies filling Miss Scratch’s music theory class. “I never would’ve guessed what a monster she was, but...” She sobbed. “Whenever we’d argue, she’d have Bright Lights hold me down, and she wouldn’t stop kissing until I agreed. Said she did it because she loved me.” I shook my head. Sweetie stood on the stand, angrily pointing a hoof at me. “She’s a monster and she needs to suffer.”

“Would the defense like to cross-examine the witness?” Judge Twilight Sparkle asked.

”Sweetie Belle!”

A blue alicorn appeared between me and Twilight, mane of starlight flowing behind her. “I finally found you. Sweetie, your mind is shifting all over the dreamscape, it’s very important you don’t–”

The white mare in the mirror was covered in cuts. Dug in by a mare with a whip and a shattered bottle of vodka. Her pink and purple mane that hung over her shoulder was scraggled. Hadn’t been touched in days. If Rarity saw it, she’d kill her. She’d deserve it. Coat was covered in red. Sinking deeper. Her left foreleg was covered in red. Oozing it. Everything it touched got red too. Red. Red. Everywhere. How was she still alive without all that red? Blood. It’s called blood, Sweetie.

Yes! Blood. She was covered in blood. Hers? Was it her red in the floors, or somepony else’s? Blood. Not red. It wouldn’t stop gushing out of her. Like a sad filly crying. Forming pools below her, hardening, turning black and caking off.  Turning into her suit of armor. A blood knight. I laughed. I couldn’t stop it.

She took a dive off the penthouse. Tomato. Splat. Punchline. Everypony in Equestria would get to see what’s really inside her. More laughter. I hacked and wheezed. When was the last time I’d laughed? Too long. I used to laugh all the time, but not since I discovered the joy of Joy. I liked laughing. I wish I’d done more of it before the funeral. 

“It’s too late now,” Twilight said from behind me. She’d lost the judge’s outfit and was just regular Twilight. “But hey, do you want to come with me? After all, it’s your funeral.”

Before I could nod, we were there. Back on stage. Canterlot Auditorium. The social event of the season. Death of a Sweetie Belle. Wait, I didn’t do non-musicals. Twilight leaned in close to me and whispered. “Sweetie, you’re supposed to be in the casket. A funeral’s no good if the deceased’s getting up and walking around on stage.”

“Trust me,” Bright Lights said, from my other side. “For a part this simple, even you can play it without messing up.”

“Sweetie Belle!” Luna was there again, flying in from the audience. “You need to stay calm and breathe. Whatever you do, don’t move. You’re straddling the border between dream and reality, and anything you do could–”

Back in the penthouse. Blood stained the carpet and couch. I sat perfectly still, looking at my defeated army. All gone. None remain. Honorable deaths all around. Died in service of the greater good.

The greater good. Somepony’d told me about that once. Had to compromise for the greater good. We all did. I didn’t though, and look what it’d gotten me. Everything I ever wanted. Going 9.8 per second per second. Going off the deep end with asphalt coming up to welcome us. Me. A rotten apple had once gotten impaled on my horn. Would I splatter like it? For the greater good.

Luna swept low and caught me the second before I hit the ground. Oomph. Crashing into the Princess of the Night should hurt more than just oomph. An oomph is what happens when you fall from the couch to the floor. “Sweetie, you need to keep your mind focused. Every time you jump, I lose you again.”

I lost her. The door to Carousel Boutique clicked shut. Sweetie Belle sprinted off into the distance. Sobs wracked my body. “See how much you hurt her?” Twilight asked, from behind me. “The day you left, she almost died. How could you hurt the one mare who loves you most in the world like that?” The Princess of Friendship sat behind the bench. Gavel slammed down. “There can be only one verdict for a mare as selfish as you.”

“Wait a minute,” Scootaloo shouted from the gallery. “I think the ponies she hurt should get to read the verdict. We deserve it.”

Twilight nodded. “Of course, how selfish of me.” She looked at me. “See, Sweetie, friends share. They sacrifice for each other. Scootaloo, what’s Sweetie Belle’s punishment?”

Scootaloo’s face lit up. “Death’s too good for her. A lifetime of loneliness and misery. It’s the only thing a pony as useless as her deserves. She can’t even be happy on her own. She has to swallow a bottle of pills just to feel anything.”

The court laughed. “Then let’s get her a bottle of loneliness,” Twilight said, pulling another bottle of pills out of her robe. “Take them all, Sweetie, it’s a lifetime’s supply, just for you.”

Bright Lights kissed me on the cheek. Kissed me other places. “Just what you deserve.” We sat outside the audition office. A collar wrapped around my neck and a leash in her hooves. “See, this way everypony knows who the real power is. Everypony here will know that you’re my perfect little pet, just doing what I tell her. Stand, Sweetie.”

I got to my hooves, and stared up at Bright Lights, happy smile on my face. “Good Sweetie,” Bright Lights said, patting me on the head. “Isn’t it so much easier just letting me do everything for you? I give you food, water, your little treats. Everything you could ever want, I supply, and all I ask is your total obedience. Now, get on your back.”

I gave a quick nod before rolling over and wriggling on my back like a good Sweetie-puppy. The good part was coming up next. 

Bright Lights leaned down and kissed me, her lips lingering on me. I gave out a happy little squeal. “Good Sweetie. Now, you’re going to go in there, read your lines, and we’ll throw one of those parties you love so much when you get home.”

I shook my head, earning a quick jerk on the leash. Bad Sweetie. This was wrong, it… nothing like this ever happened. She’d never been so–

I was sobbing in bed, Bright Lights staring down at me. Ceiling fan spun above us. Round and round and round. Always spinning. “Why are you crying?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I sobbed. Everypony was gone: Rarity, Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, Diamond Tiara, Melody, Life Bloom, everypony who ever cared about me was gone but Bright Lights. All you have left.

She kissed my cheek. “Don’t cry, Sweetie. You have everything you could ever dream about. What’s there to cry over?” She brought a cup full of medicine over next to me. “Take your medicine, and I promise you’ll feel better. You don’t want to be sad, do you?”

I shook my head. “No.” I sniffled as I swallowed the pills. “Thank you for being so nice to me. For not… for not leaving me.”

She wrapped her forelegs around me and drew me close. Soon the pills would do their work, and I wouldn’t feel anymore – Wouldn’t feel sad anymore. “Of course I won’t leave you. You’re mine.”

Bright Lights stormed into the room, stepping over the broken vodka bottle. I stared up at the ceiling fan. Round and round. Slow idle circles. “I’ve had it, Sweetie,” she said, throwing a stack of papers at me. “I made you a star because I pitied you. Because I felt like helping somepony so sad and pathetic. But do you know what it cost me?” She floated one of the papers up to me. “See how big your name is and how small mine is? I made you into a star, only to find I can’t escape your shadow. You–” She screamed and curled up one of the papers. “Everything I did for you, and this is how you repay me. I’m the better actor, the better director, the better everything, but all anypony cares about is my stupid marefriend.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, rolling over to look at her. “Just tell me what I can do and–”

“No,” she snarled. “You’ve done enough. I’m going to fix this, and then, once your star darkens a little, we can go back to normal.” She smiled. Snarled then smiled. An upside down snarl. That’s not how it happened, was it? Something was wrong. Something was very wrong here.

“Guilty,” Twilight said.

“Guilty,” Rarity said.

“Guilty,” Scootaloo said.

Twilight and Rarity held me down while Scootaloo shoved the pills down my throat. “Take them all, and suffer like we’ve suffered.”

“Are you ready, Sweetie?” Bright Lights asked, looking at me. We were backstage in my bedroom. “Your costume looks perfect.” She tilted the mirror to show a white mare with pink and purple mane and tree-sap eyes, a pink heart and purple notes on her flank. 

“I look just like me,” I said, frowning.

“I know, the makeup artist did a really good job. When you go out there, nopony will be able to see what’s beneath,” Bright Lights kissed my cheek. “Just remember to smile for the audience.”

She shoved me out the door and I staggered out into the living room. Outside the penthouse window, thousands of ponies sat, watching my every move. What did they want? A jerk pulled me to the side, and I saw the strings keeping me up. Above me, Bright Lights sat, making sure I hit all my marks. Give the audience a bow and dance. It wasn’t even that hard; all I had to do was let Bright Lights pull the strings, and everything was fine.

The audience stomped their hooves. The show ended right on time: 2:46. I gave them all a bow. “Sweetie!” they called out. “We love you!”

“Go out there with them,” Bright Lights whispered. “You should be with ponies that love you.”

I nodded and trotted out to meet them. Thunk. I trotted face-first into an invisible wall. Keeping me from everypony. I trotted into it again and again. Why wouldn’t it break? I needed to be with them.

Sweetie Belle. Seventeen. United with her public.

Whump. Whump. Whump.

A pounding was coming from the door. Of course! The encore! How could I have forgotten? What was the last scene? I couldn’t remember, and Bright Lights wasn’t there to tell me either. What was I supposed to do?

The door turned to splinters, and an orange mare with magenta mane sprinted into the room. Scootaloo? Guilty.

“Go away,” I shouted, chucking an empty pill bottle at her. “I don’t want to hear about how much you–” She tackled me. Something dug into my neck. The lights went out. 

Lower the curtains.
> 2. When You Dream
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        I floated through a familiar blue fog, shivering and sweating simultaneously as specks of light drifted around me. I’d been here before, but–

        “You’re not supposed to be here,” a voice said from the darkness, as the fog formed into a familiar midnight-blue silhouette.

        “Oh, hey, Luna,” I said, waving a hoof. That explained the blue star stuff around me, but what about– 

        “...patient may have sustained severe brain damage. Results of the MagScan show…”

        “What’s that?” I asked, tilting my head at her as she trotted closer to me. A hundred ponies pressed against me, moaning in time to the beat of–

 I jumped back to the safety of the blue dreamscape. No other ponies here. No parties. No– I retched and curled up into the fetal position. It was a lot harder to do without a hard floor, and I wound up kind of drifting in a ball. The cold I’d been feeling sank deeper as I spun in slow circles. I needed Joy. I needed something to keep me from remembering and feeling like I was about to die.

        “Sweetie… Sweetie… I need you to listen to me,” Luna said, pinning me to the invisible ground and staring down at me. “Something happened to you in that penthouse. Something that broke your mind, and almost killed you.”

        I shut my eyes tight, trying to drown out the images of the red living room. Guilty. “What are you going to do to me?” I asked, peeking one eye open and trying to squirm away from her.

        “What I can to mend the damage,” she said, frowning at me. “The doctors may treat the physical, but I’m better suited to mend the spiritual damage than they. They can’t move through the dreaming as easily as I… or you, I fear.”

        What was going on? Why was she being so nice to me? I was useless. Worse than useless. Useless ponies didn’t go around hurting everypony else. I struggled to get air into my lungs fast enough. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. The world around Luna and me shifted to images of Twilight’s courtroom.

        “A lifetime of loneliness!” Judge Twilight Sparkle said.

        “A lifetime of misery!” Rarity said.

        “A lifetime of being hated!” Scootaloo said.

        “Enough!” Luna yelled, lighting her horn up and banishing the courtroom back into nothing. “Sweetie, you can’t listen to these nightmarish apparitions. They aren’t real. Nopony hates you… Nopony who cares about you hates you. Rarity and Scootaloo love you as much as they ever did. Would a pony who hated you rescue you from that hell you made for yourself in that apartment?”

        The orange blur bursting into the living room and jamming something into my neck. “That was real?” I asked, ears flat against my skull. “I thought it was just…” Actually, I didn’t have any thoughts about what it was. I didn’t have that many thoughts then. I wiped sweat off my forehead. How could I be sweating when it was so cold in here?

        Luna nodded. “It was. I was sending a contingent of my guards to intercept you, and somehow she knew she needed to be there. I gave her a crystal charged with a spell that would render you unconscious, so you could safely be transplanted to a hospital room I’d prepared.”

        “But… why would any of you care? The penthouse is what I deserved.”

        “Sweetie Belle, nopony deserves that. Certainly not a mare as good as you,” Luna said, moving to stroke my mane. A hundred lips pressed against every inch of my body... 

        “Stay away!” I shouted, recoiling from both of them. The lips vanished and Luna just looked at me like I was a crazy mare. I was a crazy mare. “Sorry,” I said, rubbing my shoulder. “I… guess I don’t like being touched. Also, I don’t know if  you saw that much during my nightmare, but I’m not that good a pony anymore.”

        “Sweetie, a mare can do bad things and still be a good mare.” She glanced away into the fog. “I spent many months learning that lesson. You made mistakes, but you can atone for them, Sweetie. You can be more than the mare you were,” Luna said as the fog around the both of us thickened.

        “You really think anypony can forgive me?” I asked, looking down at my forehooves. “After everything I’ve done?”

        She smiled at me. “Why don’t you wake up and see for yourself? We can talk more about your recovery later.”

        “Wait,” I said, chasing after her as the fog surrounded us both. How could she be getting further away without moving? “How come you didn’t help me until now?”

        She stopped fading away and the fog vanished. “That poison Deep Sleep removed your mind from the Dreaming, and before that… Entering the mind of a Dreamer who doesn’t desire outside help is a rule I swore to never break again.” Her eyes went white and a gust of wind blew me back into the blackness. “Now go. We will speak when you next sleep again. Other matters in the Dreaming need my attention.”


♪♪♪


        Beep.

        My whole body ached, and that stupid beeping wasn’t helping. The cold sweat from the dream was about a hundred times worse now that I was awake, I wanted to vomit, and my whole body stung. The lash of a whip. Was that the dream? Why did I feel like my whole body was filled with cotton? I tried not to gag.

        Beep.

        The beep sent another spike into my head. How could I hurt even worse? I needed Joy. I needed Joy and all the other drugs that kept me from falling apart. You’re useless without them.

        Beep.

        My hoof reached out for my nightstand and brushed against something warm and furry. I opened my eyes, and the face from my nightmares stared down at me. Go to Tartarus. It smiled down at me with bloodshot eyes.

        “You’re up,” the orange pegasus said, giving me a tired smile. “Was kind of getting tired of waiting. How’re you feeling?”

        “Would it be too dramatic for me to say I feel like I’m discovering whole new levels of awfulness?” I asked, shivering. The whole world felt muted, like I was watching one of those old-timey films that had all the color bleached from them. Even Scootaloo looked more dull brown than orange.

        Scootaloo nodded. “A little bit, but after the last couple of days, I guess you’re entitled to some drama” Did I really want to see what I looked like right now? If it was ten percent as bad as I felt, I’d look like a rotten corpse. “So…”

        “I’m sorry,” I whimpered, the look of absolute hatred she gave me the last time we saw each other filling my vision. Go to Tartarus. A sob ripped through my throat. “I’m so sorry, I know you hate me forever, and… Why did you save me? After what I did to you?”
        
        She scrunched her face up. “And just why would I hate you forever? We’re best friends. You being a complete psycho for a few years doesn’t change that.” I winced. “Sorry.”

        “It’s fine,” I said, shaking my head. “I deserve pretty much any bad thing you can say about me. After…” Guilty. “I saw that look on your face the last time we saw each other. When we were backstage after the Canterlot show. You don’t have to act nice to me just because you feel bad.”

        Scootaloo sighed and shook her head. “Sweetie, I wasn’t mad at you, I was… Twilight told me about this thing called silent casting. Are you kind of familiar with it?”

        I nodded, and immediately wished I hadn’t as the whole world kicked me in the stomach. “Ye– Yeah, a lot of theater ponies use it to keep from drawing attention to the magic.” Why was Scootaloo suddenly looking so melty? Her skin was drifting downwards and... Her skin was melting off! It bubbled and hissed and exposed the bone underneath her. 

        “Help! Nurse!” I screamed, moving away from her, desperate not to get any of her skin or fur on me. “My– Her skin is melting!”

        “Sweetie, I’m fine,” Scootaloo said, now just a walking skeleton. “It’s… All those drugs you were taking messed with your head, and the doctors said you’d probably have some hallucinations for a while. They have some pills that might cut down on that, though.”

        A white unicorn with red mane burst into my room. Did all nurses have to be some type of white and red? Did they have to have a spell cast on them to look right? When she went home, was she cream and turquoise? “You’re awake!” She smiled at me, a spark exploding in her eye for a second before going back to being professional-looking. “How are you feeling?” At least the red cross cutie mark, that definitely had to be part of the uniform. Why?

        I pointed a hoof at Scootaloo. “She’s normal-looking, right? Not a walking skeleton?”

        The nurse shook her head and frowned. “She looks fine to me. I take it that...” She sniffed. What was up with her? Had she not seen sick ponies before? Was this, like, her first day on the job? Her face went grim. “I’ll let the doctor know you’re awake, and that you’re having hallucinations, just as predicted.” She and Scootaloo’s melted skeleton traded looks before the nurse left the room. I stared at Scootaloo and did my best to focus. If I strained just right, I could see the normal-looking mare beneath the skeleton. I nodded and collapsed back onto my pillow.

        “It’s that bad?” I asked. The orange puddle at her hooves was slowly climbing back up her, while black tendrils started oozing down the wall furthest from me. Great. Wonderful. I needed constant hallucinations to remind me how terrible I was, because the aching pain, cold, and sweating just weren’t enough. A pang in my stomach. Just a few pills could take this all away. Just enough that I wouldn’t feel bad anymore.

        “It’s not good,” Scootaloo said as the nurse trotted out of the room, a black spectre following after her. Did she know the Grim Reaper was shadowing her? Probably. They were probably here for me. “But the important thing is you’re out of there and we can start fixing things.”

        “Yay,” I said, sinking deeper into the bed. She thought I could be fixed. That was so funny, I almost laughed. Years since you last laughed, not counting the laughing madness in the penthouse. Overripe tomato splatting down on asphalt. I shuddered at the memory. No, laughter and I weren’t on the best of terms. “Why don’t you just go? You don’t have to waste time on me just because we used to be friends.”

        She sighed and rolled her eyes. “Sweetie, if I have to tell you I’m still your friend again, I’m gonna get kind of upset. We are friends, and that means I’m totally cool with spending time to help you get better.”

        But useless fillies don’t get to be better. They get shut up in penthouses with enough drugs to last them the rest of their life so they don’t have to think about how miserable and broken they are. “Useless mare,” Bright Lights whispered in my ear. “You’re nothing without me. Less than nothing. I’m the only good thing in your life.”

        “I know!” I snapped, covering my ears with my hooves. “I know I’m useless, you don’t have to keep reminding me about it.”

        “Uhmm… Sweetie, who are you talking to?” Scootaloo asked, raising a concerned eyebrow. Oh, Celestia, she thought I was crazy. I was crazy. And useless. Crazy useless filly.

        “You didn’t hear Bright Lights just then, I guess?” I asked, looking up at her. Right, hallucinations, so I could have Bright Lights with me all the time. Just in case I forget how terrible I am.

        Scootaloo shook her head. “We really need to get you on those meds.” Why? I already had plenty of medicine in my apartment. Keeps me hap– Keeps me content. Keeps the nightmares away. What could be better?

        “Sweetie,” Scootaloo said, taking a deep breath. “There were a lot of drugs in your apartment. Like… I didn’t even know most of those existed, and something’s been kind of bugging me since then. Back… the last time when we saw each other, Bright Lights said something about all the Joy she could bring you, and… is that why you went with her? Because she threatened to take away your drugs if you left?”

        I nodded, and Scootaloo’s jaw clenched. “Great, another reason why I should kill her if I see her again. That’s– I’m assuming she’s the one who got you onto the drugs in the first place?” More nodding.

        “That was one of the reasons,” I said, slowly. Go to Tartarus. “There was– I saw how much you hated me then. How much I’d hurt you, and… you couldn’t even say anything to me. I don’t blame you, not after what I’d–”

        “Sweetie, I didn’t say anything because Bright Lights used her magic to paralyze me. That’s why I looked so angry, because I was this close to having my best friend back and she just ruined it all,” Scootaloo said, cutting me off. She gave me a smile and put her hoof on my cheek. Bright Lights straddled me, honey dripping from her and bonding us together. I screamed.

        “Get away!” I shouted, jumping back from Scootaloo and Bright Lights and pressing against the railings of my bed. “Please, just leave me al–” Bright Lights vanished, leaving behind a crazy mare. Crazy useless mare. “Sorry,” I said, giving Scootaloo a tiny smile. “I don’t like being touched anymore. Bad memories, you know.”

        Scootaloo shook her head and mumbled something that sounded like angry threats to kill Bright Lights. “I didn’t do this to you, Sweetie,” Bright Lights’ voice whispered to me. “No, you proved more than willing to ruin yourself. You can’t blame me for taking care of such a pathetic mare. Would you have preferred it if I left you to die?”

        “You did leave me to die,” I whispered to the imaginary voice. “Or what would you call the penthouse?”

        “Sweetie, there’s nothing here. It’s just you and me,” Scootaloo said. “Can you tell me what you’re seeing?”

        “Nothing,” I said, shaking my head. “I mean, there are a bunch of screaming faces on the wall.” I pointed a hoof at the offending wall, and Scootaloo looked from me to it. “Then there’s Bright Lights whispering in my head about how useless I am. That’s… Sorry, I know she’s not really here. Beyond that, though, I don’t think I have any other hallucinations at the moment. You even have your skin back.”

        Scootaloo winced and closed her eyes as somepony knocked on the door. “I hope I’m not interrupting,” a grey stallion with a white mane said as he walked into the room. “Nurse Rare Heart told me you were up, and I thought I’d check in on you.” His eyes flicked down to the chart in front of him. “I have to say, it’s not every day we get ponies in here under the personal protection of the crown. Or promises to try us for treason if we talk to anypony in the press.”

        “Sorry,” I said, frowning. “I don’t want to be a problem, you can just let me go if you want.”

        “Alright,” Scootaloo said, taking a deep breath. “I’m gonna go out for a walk. Sweetie, I’m not mad at you, not even a bit, so don’t think that, I’m just really upset.” She looked at the doctor. “You won’t leave her alone while I’m gone, right, Doc?”

        He nodded as Scootaloo trotted to the door. “I’ll make sure somepony keeps an eye on her if we finish before you return.” He gave her a quick smile as the door closed. “Well, what are we going to do with a mare as broken and useless as you, Sweetie Belle?”

        “What?” I asked, pressing as far away from him as I could in my bed. He was right though, wasn’t he? Bright Lights was always telling me–

        “I said, you’re very lucky to be here, Sweetie Belle,” he said, frowning and trotting closer to me. “You were in critical condition when we got you, and your brain had developed several prominent abnormalities. I don’t think I’ve even seen some of these before. How do you think Grey Matter’s Growth sounds? You know, when I publish your case study.”

        “You know what would sound even better?” I asked, trying not to frown at him. “Not having any weird things in my head.”

        He nodded. “Yes, I can see how that would be preferable for everypony involved, but at least your condition will advance the boundaries of scientific understanding.” That was a pretty small comfort. Sure, you’re dying, but you’re dying in a really interesting way. Nopony’s died like you will.

        “Hmm, it looks like you’re good for something after all,” Bright Lights said. “Still broken, but fascinatingly so.”

        “Shut up,” I whispered. “If you can’t say anything nice, just leave me alone.”

        “Excuse me?” the doctor said, looking down his glasses at me. “Did you say something?”

        “Just… Is it crazy that I’m talking to one of my hallucinations?” I asked before shaking my head. “Of course it is, I’m having hallucinations, that’s the definition of crazy.” Crazy useless broken thing. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “So, you think you can fix this?” I pointed a hoof at my head.

        The doctor tapped his clipboard. “While I don’t have a complete treatment devised, there are some medications we can give you that might reduce the frequency and severity of the hallucinations – although, again, I’ve never seen some of the abnormalities present in your brain before. You might wind up being more famous with the neuroscientist community than you are  with the general populace.” He laughed at his little joke. I didn’t. 

        “Yeah, that’s–” I shut my eyes as the room spun wildly around. Colors exploded beneath my eyelids and I retched over the side of the railing. “Anything you can do to make me feel less awful?”

        I heard somepony enter the room and start cleaning up the mess next to my bed. “We might. We have some treatments to reduce the physical symptoms of withdrawal, anyway. But nothing for the mental dependency, I’m afraid, except good old-fashioned willpower.” Willpower? I was doomed. The last time I did something I didn’t want to– You’ve never done something you didn’t want to. You’re the most selfish, hedonistic pony in all of Equestria. Was that Bright Lights’ voice or mine? Did it matter? Either way, it was true.

        “So, drugs to keep me from hearing and seeing things, and drugs to keep me from wanting other drugs,” I said, opening my eyes and trying to decide if I should frown or laugh. “Am I going to be taking more pills now than I was before?”

        “I can’t speak for that with any certainty,” he said, tapping a hoof against the floor, “but you will have to be more… judicious when managing your medications than you were before. We’ll have a nurse help get you on a schedule while you’re here, though.”

        “And how long is that going to be?” I asked. 

        “Until we believe you’re not a danger to yourself,” he said.

        “So, never, got it,” I said, chewing at my lip. Maybe that was good, though. In here, I couldn’t hurt anypony else. Who knows, maybe Scootaloo might even keep visiting until she realizes just how dumb and useless I am.

        “Now, Sweetie, pessimism never got a pony anywhere. I’m sure you’ll be ready for release in no time, but we can talk about that as the day approaches. For now, can I or one of the nurses get you anything?” the doctor asked.

        I did have to laugh at that. Pessimism might not get you anything, but optimism costs an awful lot. You stupid useless filly. “Sorry,” I said as the laughter finally finished. “I… you just reminded me of a really funny in-joke.” 

        “I see,” he said, levelling his eyes on me. “Well, if you need anything else, just do Equestria a favor and jump out that window.”

        “What?” I asked, jumping up in my bed. “Why would you–?” I took a deep breath. Hallucinations, right. “You didn’t just tell me to go jump out a window, did you?”

        The doctor shook his head. “No, I told you to try to get some rest, and that you should hit that buzzer if you need anything. If you hear a voice urging you to harm yourself, ignore it, and I’ll see about getting those pills to you.”

        “Sweetie Belle,” the nurse cleaning up my sickness said as the doctor trotted out of the room. “It hurts seeing you in so much anguish. Do you know what might cheer you up?” Was she still here? I thought she’d left a minute ago.

        “Uhmm… undoing the last three years of my life?” I asked. “Getting a chance to just be with my friends again and not have everypony hate me?”

        She laughed, and a shiver ran up my spine. No, it couldn’t have been that laugh, she’d left me. I shouldn’t have to hear that voice ever again. “Oh, we all should have a lot of things, Sweetie. You should be alone and reviled by everypony who meets you, but instead you have me to keep you content and happy.” She looked up at me, and I recoiled from the pink eyes that had spent the last three years telling me what to do. Of course they had. Useless ponies need somepony to tell them what to do.  “How about I get you some Joy, and I promise you’ll feel so much better.”

        My hoof struck out at her, and she just drifted away. Always right out of my reach. “Why am I still seeing you? You’re not even here and you’re still trying to ruin my life. What’d I ever do to you?”

        Bright Lights tsked and shook her head. “Sweetie, I didn’t ruin your life. I never forced you to do anything. You chose to take Joy, you chose to abandon your friends for fame in the city, you chose to almost overdose on drugs up in that penthouse.” She smiled. “All your misery is self-inflicted.” She leaned in and whispered into my ears. “I was the only thing keeping all that pain from catching up with you, so don’t blame me for your problems, you broken useless mare.” Bright Lights kissed my cheek and I felt like I was going to vomit all over again. “Besides, we both know you never had as much fun as you did at one of your little parties pumped up on every drug you could get your greedy little hooves on.”

        “Shut up!” I yelled, throwing a pillow that just sailed through her. “You’re not even real, so stop telling me what I do and don’t want. Just go away.”

        Bright Lights sighed and shook her head. “Of course I’m real, Sweetie. I’m you. I’m the you that knows the truth of how bad off we really are. You’ll be happier if you come back to me. I can make all those nasty nightmares go away.”

        I curled up into a ball and sobbed. If I shut my eyes hard enough, I wouldn’t have to see her. “Just… go away.”

        “Uhmm… I’m not going anywhere, Sweetie,” another voice said. Scootaloo? She came back? She’d be better off if she hadn’t. I opened my eyes and she was sitting right next to my bed. Right where I’d... “So… Want to talk about anything?”

        I sniffled back my tears and raised an eyebrow at her. At least Bright Lights was gone.  “Like what?”

        “Well, I don’t know. I figured it would be good if we didn’t talk about recent stuff, but I don’t know what else there is to talk about. See any good hallucinations lately?”

        I couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Not unless you count weird screaming walls, ponies having their skin melt off, and the ghost of everything you’ve ever done wrong haunting you as ‘good’. Honestly, compared to the penthouse, though…”

        “Yeah, that place looked like a horror show. Between your weird dancing, the broken… everything, and the bloodstains in the carpet, not exactly a fun place for me. I can’t imagine what it was like for you,” Scootaloo said, frowning at me. Just like that, the tiny moment of not-complete misery was gone.

        “Honestly, I don’t know either. It was like I was watching me watch it happen. I don’t think I actually felt anything.” I looked at the heavy bandages wrapped around my left hoof and barrel. The vodka bottle was real, then. “I don’t even know how to really describe it, just… I guess… you know when you have a nightmare and there are all these holes in the world, but you don’t really notice them because you’re trapped in the dream logic? Like that, I guess.”

        “Sounds…” She shook her head. “At least you’re out of there, now. So, what do you want to talk about? I’m up for pretty much anything.”

        I blinked. I definitely didn’t want to talk about me. Useless mare. Really, there was only one thing I wanted to hear about right now. “Ponyville. How’s everypony?” I smiled up at her. “How’ve you been?”

        Scootaloo’s eyes lit up. “Oh! Ponyville, yeah, well, everypony’s doing–”

        There was a knock on the door and the nurse trotted in carrying a tray of pills before we could respond. “Your medicine.” Her horn lit up and two cups floated towards me. The big one was filled with water, and the smaller one had seven pills in. “Take these, please.”

        I nodded and grabbed both cups with my magic. Two little green capsules, a pink diamond, an orange circle, a bigger orange circle, a yellow capsule, and a giant blue diamond. “How am I supposed to swallow this?” I asked, raising the last pill up.

        “With a lot of water,” she said. “Also, try to set it up so the pointed end goes down first. It’s less fun getting it down sideways.” Like she’d ever had to take a pill this big. It took three swallows of water to get the beast down. “Is there anything else you need, Sweetie?”

        I shook my head. She stared at me for a minute, eyes lingering on every nick, cut, bruise, and bandage before shaking her head and heading for the door.

        “Anyways,” Scootaloo said as the nurse trotted out of the room. “It’s been a while since I’ve vacationed over there, but last time I checked, everypony was doing fine. The Apples have had some pretty massive crops lately, thanks to Apple Bloom’s potions. She and Life Bloom are both taking master’s-level classes at the Academy. They still haven’t figured out how to replicate that intelligence potion they gave you, though.”

        Right, that potion. Felt like I’d taken it a lifetime ago, but at the same time… Where would I be if I hadn’t taken it? It couldn’t be worse, could it? The beginning of the end. “Maybe it’s for the best. I could see pretty much everything, and look where I ended up.”

        “About that,” Scootaloo said, her wings flicking. “You don’t remember anything you did on the potion, right?”

        I shook my head. “Not at all. Why do you ask?”

        “Do you remember the day I punched Bright Lights in the face?” she asked, eyes shifting from me to the floor.

        I nodded and couldn’t help but smile at the memory. Yeah, that was fun. Not at the time, at the time I was pretty out of my head on Joy, but right now, any memories of bad things happening to Bright Lights made me kind of happy. And why would you hate the only pony who ever cared about you? The only pony who took care of you while you went out and ruined your life.

        I shook my head. Nope. Hated her. Definitely hated her for what she did to me. I was happy before I met her, and now I was the opposite. “Yeah, I do,” I said, looking up at Scootaloo and trying to ignore the voice in my head saying how much I needed Bright Lights. Reminding me how useless I was.

        “Well, when I was heading back home, I got this letter from Smartie Belle. It told me exactly when and where I could find you the other day,” Scootaloo said. Wait? Had other me planned this? She knew what was going to happen and she didn’t tell me anything? I would’ve told me. And that meant–

        “You knew!” I yelled. Old hot anger flaring up. “You knew all that terrible stuff was going to happen and you didn’t stop me?” Don’t do this, Sweetie. Don’t get mad at the only pony in the world who doesn’t completely hate you. What does it matter? She’s going to hate us anyways. They always do. “I…” I sobbed. “How could you let me do all that?”

        Scootaloo held a hoof up, asking for quiet. “Look, I didn’t know what was going to happen; I just knew the time and date I could find you. Second, I did everything I could to get you back sooner. I went to Rarity’s intervention.” I winced at that name. “And I tried to pull you back from the brink after your show. If it hadn’t been for your marefriend, we might’ve–”

        “You’re right,” I said, mumbling into my chest. Of course she is, she isn’t a bad useless mare. “I’m sorry.”

        “It’s fine,” Scootaloo said, smiling down at me. “I’ve kind of been having the same conversation with myself the past couple of days. Like, there had to be something more I could do, right? If Smartie knew things would be so bad up in that penthouse, why didn’t she send me there earlier?”

        Because I needed to suffer for what I’d done. “Anyways, you’re here now, you’re safe, and that’s what really matters, right?” Scootaloo said. I nodded my head. If I told her she should’ve just left me up there, it would’ve hurt, and I’d done more than enough of that. Selfish mare. 

        “So,” I said, putting on my best smile. Back to this? At least it was better than the other thing. I sighed. “Ponyville?”

        “Uh-uh,” Scootaloo said, shaking her head. “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about you, all your little smiles, and I know that smile you’re wearing now isn’t real. Rule number one: No more fake smiles. No more fake anything. If…” She rubbed her forehead. “Sweetie, I’m going to make sure you get better, and that means more than just dealing with your hallucinations. Got it? We’re gonna deal with the stuff that made you go crazy in the first place.”

        I sighed. “I just didn’t want you to be upset with me,” I said, looking up at her. “You’re the only pony who hasn’t completely abandoned me, and I didn’t want to hurt you too.”

        Scootaloo pressed her lips close together and clenched her jaw. “Sweetie, I dragged you out of that penthouse. The only thing you can do to upset me is go back there. Got it?”

        “Yeah, but…” I glanced away from her. “What if… maybe you should’ve left me there? A little voice keeps telling me that maybe we’d all be happier if you’d just left me.”

        “Sweetie, if I’d left you up there, you’d be dead. That wouldn’t make me happier, alright? You’re still my best friend, and I still want you to be okay. That’s what makes me happiest,” Scootaloo said, getting to her hooves and trotting around to the other side of my bed and pulling up the window shades.

        Liar. “Really?” I asked. Nopony could care about you after what you’ve done.

        “Uh-huh,” she said, nodding as she looked out the window. “You know, I still hate how big this city is. You can hardly see the sky, and…” She shrugged. “But this is where the work is, and I don’t think my one-mare show’s going to be taking off anytime soon.”

        Look at how she changes the topic. She’s lying to you. Trying to make you feel better. “But… you really want me to be okay? Even after all the stuff I put you through?”

        “I do,” she said, turning around to look at me. “And I’m not the only pony who feels that way.” She smiled at me. “There are still a bunch of ponies that want to see you hap–” I cringed at the word she was about to say. “That want to see you okay.”

        “But why?” I asked, frowning at the sunlight now streaming into my room. Not as much sun as my penthouse suite got, but still some. “Why would they care, after I…”

        “Because they care. Because we care. Sweetie, I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but I’m guessing it’s not that fun a place right now,” Scootaloo said, sitting on the other side of my bed. The cleaner side. Had she noticed? Did the nurse not do as good a job cleaning as she said? Was I even sick or was that just another hallucination? How much could you hallucinate?

        “That’s a pretty easy guess,” I said. I sighed and felt a smile form and die on my lips. “Definitely not as fun as it was when we were fillies. And honestly… I’m not sure how fun it was back then.” Memories bubbled up to the surface of my brain and played themselves out on the far wall. Scenes of a filly scaring away her first friends. Memories of a party where the two mares I cared about most told me I had to be happy all the time. “You know, I used to be so happy, and then I doubted it and got convinced that I was never happy, and now I’m kind of not sure I could tell you what happy means.” I laughed. “That probably sounds really sad, doesn’t it?” You know what happiness is. It’s what you find in a bottle.

        I licked my lips. Didn’t need to drink or take pills or whatever, I was… I wasn’t fine, but I wouldn’t get better drinking or cleaning out a medicine cabinet. “You know what, then,” Scootaloo said, looking out at me. She wants to touch your mane or stroke your cheek to make you feel better, but won’t because she knows what a useless broken mare you are. “Let’s not focus on you being happy. Let’s just focus on getting you to okay. Alright?”

        And maybe after that, we can focus on teaching you to fly. “You think it can really be done?” I asked. “After what you saw in the penthouse, you think things can be made okay again? Just like that?”

        She shook her head. “We can’t undo it, Sweetie, but maybe we can learn from it?” She sighed. “I’m probably not the best at all this stuff; Rarity can talk about her emotions way better, but I do think… Do you want to be better? To be okay? To not wince at all these tiny little things you’ve been wincing at?”

        I nodded.

        It can’t be done. Nothing like you will ever be okay. Just useless and broken.

        “Then I’m not leaving, Sweetie,” Scootaloo said, smiling at me. When I looked at her violet eyes, I could almost believe her. “I’ll be here every day, doing what I can to help you out. Just… promise me no more massive benders, alright?”

        But those are the only times you feel okay. The only times you don’t think about–
        
        “I promise.”

        “Cool,” Scootaloo said. “So… what were we talking about? Ponyville? Right, well it’s grown a lot since you left…”


♪♪♪


        The rest of the day passed with Scootaloo telling me about everything that’d happened since I’d left. Or at least, telling me about all the small things I’d missed out on. She didn’t tell me about Rarity or Diamond Tiara or Melody, and I kind of loved her for that. I just wanted to hear how Sugarcube Corner had been while I was gone, and if there had been any more big adventures or returning gods to bother the town. 

        I stared up at the ceiling, a tiny smile on my lips. Today was… not bad. Better than you deserved.

        “Sweetie Belle…”

        No, not another hallucination. Couldn’t I just have a few happy minutes on the border between dreaming and being awake without a voice in my head telling me how terrible I was? Of course not.

        “Sweetie Belle, we have much to discuss.”

        Wait, that wasn’t– “Princess Luna?” I asked.

        “Indeed,” she said, forming from a blue swirling fog that seeped into the room. “I trust your waking hours were… if not pleasant, perhaps not as nightmarish as the hours before?”

        “There’ve been worse, but not many,” I said, looking at her. “But what are you doing here? Couldn’t you wait until I was asleep for us to talk?”

        She smiled at me. “Where do you think we are?” She pointed a hoof at me, and I looked down to see a completely healthy body removed from any wires. Even the beeping of the stupid heart monitor was gone.

        “Huh, I didn’t even realize I was asleep,” I said, trying to hop out of the bed and collapsing into a pile of wires and tubes. I looked around and the Princess was gone, replaced with beeping machines and bandaged limbs.

        “That’s precisely our problem, Sweetie,” Luna said, her voice still ringing in my ears as I crawled back into bed. The nurse came into the room and put me back in bed, making sure my wires were unkinked before tucking me back in. Shouldn’t I have a different nurse by now? Did the hospital only have one nurse?

        “Sorry,” I said, grinning at her. “Uhmm… just a bad dream, you know?”

        “You’re alright, though?” the nurse asked looking down at me. “You don’t need anything?”

        I nodded. “Alright,” the nurse said. “If you need anything, just push the button and I’ll be in. Don’t try and get it yourself.”

        “Okay,” I said as she trotted back out of my room. I waited for the door to shut. “What the hay was that about, Princess Luna? I thought you said I was dreaming.”

        “You are, and you aren’t,” she said as my eyes grew heavy. If I didn’t focus on her, I could see her in the same room as me. “You have a hoof in the Dreaming and the corporeal world simultaneously. How much of you is in one and how much is in the other may vary, but you’re never fully committed to one or the other. Instead, you drift between both realms, accessing either at your convenience.” 

“Great, you’re even more broken than you thought. How is that even possible?” Bright Lights asked from next to me.

“Enough!” Luna said, her horn igniting and sending a lance of white energy through my former marefriend. “We will have no interruptions from beings such as you during our conversations, do you understand?”

Instead of nodding, the dream Bright Lights just burst into smoke and fire, leaving a scorch mark behind on the floor. To channel Scootaloo: awesome.

“Can you teach me to do that?” I asked, looking up at her. “I… I’ve been seeing a lot of her, lately. Way more than I’d like.”

Luna sighed and brought the tip of her horn against mine. The world around us dissolved, and we were standing back in the same blue fog I’d been in this morning. “We’ll have to. The Dreaming is dangerous, and you are now permanently bonded to it.”

“What’s the big deal?” I asked, taking the opportunity to move around in the dream space Luna’d created. Being able to move without being hooked up to a bunch of wires and tubes again was great. “Doesn’t everypony dream?”

“They do, and dreaming isn’t the problem. It’s the Dreaming,” she said. I tilted my head at her and she sighed. “Everypony has some connection to the Dreaming. The idle musings of sleeping spirits are what births and fuels the Dreaming. Imagine, a mare playing a violin or a cello. In this metaphor, the cello would be the magic possessed by every living thing in Equestria, the player is the slumbering soul, and the music is the Dreaming. The dreams of a normal mare are the interplay between the bow and the string. Understand?”

I nodded at her and frowned, trying to figure out how I fit into that metaphor. “I guess that makes some sense. So what’s so big a deal about me being connected to the Dreaming?”

Princess Luna looked away from me for a second. “That, Sweetie, is where our metaphor breaks down somewhat. First, instead of imagining one mare playing the cello, imagine everypony in Equestria playing it. A pony has their own dreams, but together they all mingle to create the Dreaming of Equestria. There are only a hoofful of beings who can fully interact with the Dreaming. Who can move about the music as if it were its own physical place and jump from dream to dream as if they were pages in a book. Who have the potential to sit back and experience the Dreaming in all its majesty. Up until a few days ago, I was the only mare in Equestria with that ability.”

Oh.

Oh.

“Oh… Wait! Are you sure? How does taking a bunch of drugs let me do all that weird Dreaming stuff you’re talking about?” I asked. I closed my eyes and imagined myself moving from my spot in the field to a spot a few feet behind Luna. A tingle of energy ran across my body, and when I opened my eyes again, I was staring at Luna’s flank.

Luna turned around and rolled her eyes. “I see you’re already taking the first steps in manipulating the dreaming.” I closed my eyes again and imagined myself floating up in the air. The same tingle and I was floating back up in the sky, hovering just a few hooves        above Luna. 

I let out a twirl and giggled. “I did it! I’m flying, I–”

Whumph!

Dream ground was apparently just as hard as real ground. Wait, how could there even be real ground in this blue fog, wasn’t it just–

Before I could even finish the thought, the ground gave way beneath me and I was falling through the big emptiness. “Luna! Help!”

There was a flash of light as the Princess popped into existence about a hundred hooves below, and with her, solid ground. I slammed my eyes shut and imagined a bubble filled with padding surrounded me like I’d never imagined anything before. I didn’t have to open my eyes to feel the padding blanket me. I felt the tiniest of thuds and lurched into the padding. I imagined the padding disappearing and dropped the last hoof to the ground. 

“Okay, how exactly do these dreaming powers work?” I asked, rolling over to my back and staring up at the blue fog above me. “Because right now, they seem like more of a pain than a boost.”

Luna laughed and trotted into view. “Very true. Your mind will shape the Dreaming as it sees fit, with or without your consent. You imagined you could fly, until your mind reminded you you couldn’t. You doubted the solidity of the ground, so you fell through it. Your mind wars with itself, so it summons monsters like Bright Lights to break you.”

“You see,” Bright Lights said, popping into existence next to me. “You need me. At least a part of you is smart enough to know you can’t get out of this okay. Not after what you’ve done. You know you deserve this: that’s why you can’t get rid of me. Come on, give it a try. Imagine me disappearing with what little brains you have.” 

Luna nodded. “While I disapprove of her message, this is an ideal opportunity to test your ability to manage your hallucinations.” I closed my eyes and tried. I imagined her bursting into flames and screaming. Imagined the way her ashes would drift in the wind. I imagined not having her to yell at me anymore. I opened my eyes and Bright Lights grinned down at me.

“See!” she said, laughing. “You can’t get rid of me. I’m not some hallucination, I’m a part of you, the part that knows the truth. Now come on, I have a show we need to get to before Princess Luna tries to get rid of me again. I promise you’ll love it.” Before I could respond, the world around Bright Lights and me warped and cracked. Princess Luna stretched and extended into a dark auditorium, and the blue mist formed into a stage. Four stage lights lit up in the rafters and they fell on four familiar faces. Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, Rarity, and Diamond Tiara stood perfectly still, eyes staring out at a point deep in the auditorium. 

“And now, for one night only,” Bright Lights said to an invisible audience and giving a flourish. “I’m proud to present the very talented We Hate Sweetie Belle Quartet! Hit it!”

The quartet scatted together for a few seconds before launching into the song.

“We hate you, Sweetie,” the four of them sang in perfect unison.

“Bum-bum-bum-bum,” Scootaloo added.

“We hate you more than we dared to dream (Bum-bum-bum-bum)
You are the worst mare that we’ve ever seen (Bum-bum-bum-bum)

We called you sister, best friend, or lover (Bum-bum-bum-bum)
And now we hate you like no other (Bum-bum-bum-bum)

We gave you our hearts, and what was our payment? (Bum-bum-bum-bum)
Nothing but heartbreak and betrayment.”

        Betrayment? Really? You can’t just torture a word to get it to fit your rhyme scheme. If you could then songwriting would be super easy. Not that I’d know how easy songwriting was, but none of the productions I was in made up words. Mostly. At the very least, they made up words for a reason.

“Now you’ve come crawling, seeking forgiveness (Bum-bum-bum-bum)
But instead your suffering shall be endless!”

        I couldn’t take this, I didn’t– I didn’t– I closed my eyes and I felt the familiar weight of a bottle of rum form in my hooves. Could I even get blackout drunk in a dream? I poured it down my throat. Only one way to find out.

        “Enough!” Luna yelled, slamming in the stage and dispelling my bottle of rum and Bright Lights. “You three,” she said, looking at the quartet. “Return to your own dreams and forget this nightmare.” Another blast of light came out from her horn and hit Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Diamond Tiara right in the chest. The three of them dissolved into balls of light that zipped out of the auditorium.

        “What about Rarity?” I asked, looking at my big sister. “Don’t you need to…” I trailed off, listening to her words again. “Wait, are you saying that those are really my...” The word “friends” died in my throat.

        “They are,” Luna said, nodding. “Your connection to the Dreaming brought them into your nightmare and pulled them around like marionettes on a stage.” I remembered those final moments in the penthouse, remembered the pull of Bright Lights’ strings as they forced me to act out my performance. Is that how they’d remember my nightmare? Would they– Ropes came out of the ground and lashed me to the stage, constricting tighter and tighter. If they didn’t hate me before, they would now. Twisting ponies around to do what I wanted, that was all I was good at.

        You never cared about anypony but yourself. Even when you’re trying to be better, you’re still a twisted little monster. Broken.

        I felt a hoof lift my head up from the ground, and just like that, the ropes disappeared. Luna stared into my eyes when I finally opened them. “This is going to be a problem, isn’t it?”

        She just nodded. “Indeed, allowing your mind unfettered access to the Dreaming would only end in disaster, and unfortunately, the only way I can prevent you from interacting with the Dreaming is to irrevocably sever your connection to it.”

        I sighed. I didn’t know exactly what that meant, but I could figure out the basics. “Will it hurt?” I asked, frowning and looking away from her gaze. “Not being able to dream, I mean. I spent the last few years not dreaming, and I never felt right. Like something was missing. Will it be like that?”

        Luna raised an eyebrow. “What makes you so eager to have your dreams removed?  They are the basest reflections of a pony’s desires, and can illuminate long-hidden truths. Why offer no resistance to my verdict?”

        “Because... “ I gestured to my sister still standing on the stage. “I apparently just twisted my friends into performing in one of my nightmares. I don’t want them to suffer just because I’m an idiot and ruined my life. Also, how come you didn’t send her back to her dream?”

        “She wasn’t sleeping, so there’s no dream to send her back to,” Luna said, sparing the other pony a glance. “She’s just an image you conjured. The real Rarity is heading back to Twilight after a long day’s work, I think.”

        “Wait, why is she going to Twilight’s castle?” I asked, tilting my head before the answer slotted into place. “Oh. Wait. The two of them? What about Applejack?”

        “Things have changed substantially since you last stepped hoof in Ponyville,” Luna said, giving me the tiniest smile as I got up on my hooves. “Perhaps soon, you’ll be able to return and see for yourself, but something tells me you’re in no rush to confront your old life. Certainly, you’re in no shape for it. We must be sure of ourselves before we slay those demons haunting us, and to that end, I have a gift for you.”

        A window popped into existence next to Luna, images of another world flashing on the other side. “Look, but make no attempt to enter. Another pony’s dreams are a powerful thing, and if not properly warded, you risk being consumed by it.”

        “Great,” I said, inching closer to the window. Scootaloo and a copy of me sat backstage. Scootaloo’s forelegs were wrapped around my twin. Their embrace seemed to last forever, until Scootaloo tightened her grip and the other me turned to smoke, darting away from Scootaloo who struggled to right herself and chase after me.

        “It’s not always the same dream,” Luna said, looking through the window with me. “Sometimes it’s work, or pure fantasy, but you’ve been a recurring image in her dreamscape these past three years, and ever since she rescued you from that pit you made for yourself, you’ve played an even larger role in her dreams.”

        “I get it, I hurt her,” I said, looking away as Scootaloo chased after my shadow. “Why are you showing this to me? Just to drive home how bad a friend I’ve been?”

        There was a pop as Bright Lights appeared beside me again, but before she could do anything, magic erupted from Luna’s horn and dissolved my former marefriend. Maybe I could ask Luna to do that a few times before she removed my dreams. 

        Luna sighed. “That’s not the point, Sweetie. The point is, she still cares. She’s still willing to get hurt in the pursuit of her friend. Even after everything, she still cares about you. She’s not humoring you or pitying you – she loves you. She has for quite some time, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.” Luna pulled the blinds on the window and it winked out of existence. “And please spare me the self-loathing line of how you don’t deserve it. I’ve heard it before. I’ve said it before. Do you think your crimes outweigh mine?”

        I shook my head. Nothing I did in that penthouse really compared to trying to throw Equestria into eternal night. “And despite everything I did or intended to do,” Luna continued, “my sister still forgave me. Still watched over me as I struggled to rebuild myself. Sweetie Belle, the road laid before you is a familiar one, and while you have several good ponies to help you with your journey, I’d also like to offer what assistance I can.” She took a deep breath. “I, Princess Luna, in my capacity as Princess of the Night and Warden of Dreams, extend an offer to you, Sweetie Belle. In lieu of having your connection to the Dreaming irrevocably severed, you shall study under me and, when you have gained some mastery of your gift, aid me in the protection of the Dreaming from outside threats. As my student, you will be expected to follow my every command. Failure to comply will result in my judgment being reinstated and your ability to dream being taken away. Do you accept this decree?”

        “You mean, if I accept, I still get to have nightmares? Get to be yelled at by Bright Lights?” I asked, frowning. “If it means no more nightmares, you can take the rest of the dreams, too.”

        Luna sighed. “Sweetie Belle, if you take my offer, I will teach you to master your nightmares. It will be harder, certainly, but also more rewarding. How much is a good night’s sleep worth to you?”

        I remembered sleeping in until way past dawn. Remembered waking up feeling good, like that first day at the Academy. Could that even happen if I was doing dream stuff with Luna? “I guess… You’ll help me?”

        “Everything I can do to restore you to good health will be done,” Luna said, moving to stand next to me as the world restructured itself into the blue mist. “I’ve already contacted Miss Melody’s therapist, and he will be travelling to Manehattan in the next few days. You will stay in the hospital until he declares you fit to leave, and from there, I still expect you to see him twice a week, going down to once a week when he deems it appropriate. His word is my word, so I expect you to follow all his instructions. If you don’t, I will hear about it.” Right, so follow the doctor’s instructions unless I wanted my dreams taken away.

        “Now, during your sleeping hours, you will be tethered to my side. If I go somewhere, you will follow, until I’m confident you can control yourself. That way, if you have another outburst like you did tonight, the tether will keep you from getting lost in the Dreaming.”

        “Sounds great,” I said, remembering the feeling of Bright Lights’ collar around my neck. From one leash to another. Ugh, did that voice have to follow me everywhere? Even when I wasn’t hallucinating her, I could still hear that voice in the back of my head.

        Of course you can, I’m your voice, you just don’t want to admit it.

        “That’s not true,” I muttered, earning a look from Luna. “Sorry, I, uhmm… I still kind of hear Bright Lights’ voice in the back of my head, and occasionally she gets me mad enough I talk back.” Ugh, that sounded like something a crazy mare might say.

        Of course it would, you are a madmare after all.

        “Yes, your appointments with Dr. Hooves are definitely going to be a priority, and I’ll do what I can to help you order your mind in the Dreaming,” Luna said as a rope shot out of her horn and wrapped around my barrel. “I can only imagine how humiliating this is for you, but–”

        “It’s for the greater good,” I said, sighing as the loop the rope made tightened and tied. “I get it. Wait, how come I can’t just Dream myself out of this rope? I have that power, right?”

        “The rope was woven with magic that negates your Dreaming abilities. You can move and be aware of the Dreaming, but you can’t shape it like you normally do.” A door cracked open in front of the Princess as she spoke. “Now, if you’d care to accompany me to the hub, it’s where I spend the majority of my nights, and a sight very few ponies have the chance to see. You should count yourself lucky, Sweetie Belle, although I know you don’t feel that way right now.”

        She got that right, I thought as we stepped through the door. Still, maybe this hub place is kind of–

        We were on a small island of calm surrounded by a sea of jewels, prisms of light erupting from each one, the lights from each gem being absorbed, reflected, and refracted by its neighbors as they danced around each other, creating an impossible array of colors. No, seriously, I don’t think I’ve seen some of these colors before, and my sister is a dressmaker. I focused my attention on one strand of impossible color as it danced between the gems. What should I call it? Maubergine? It definitely looked like a maubergine – well, it did now that I named it that. “Thank you,” I whispered to Luna.

        “You see, Sweetie, this ability of yours doesn’t have to be a curse,” she said, staring at a section of gems. If I strained hard enough, I could see ponies moving around in them. Huh, so I guess that’s what dreams look like from the outside.

        “So, is this what you do every night? Watch ponies’ dreams?” I asked, inching closer to a familiar-looking purple diamond. Maybe Rarity’d finally gotten to sleep. Floating near it was an amethyst starburst. 

        “Indeed – at least, those whose minds are open to outside help. Some have been slammed shut, and I am oath-sworn not to enter them,” Luna said, pointing at a blackened crystal sitting on the ground.

        “And that’s why you didn’t help me out back when things were just starting to go bad?” I asked frowning at the gem. “Back when I started having my nightmares?” Back before I started taking Deep Sleep.

        “Yes,” Luna said, swiveling her head around to look at more dreams. “I was sorely tempted to break that oath when I saw your troubles, but the last time I did… The last time I did, I became a creature of darkness. Or did you think ponies called me Nightmare Moon solely because it sounded ominous?”

        Oh. That made a lot of sense, actually. I just thought it was a cool name. “So, how do you know when a pony’s having a nightmare?”

        In response, Luna’s horn lit up, and she pulled a raspberry-looking gem towards us. Its light was faded and dull, more gray than colored. “Does that answer your question?” she asked, before whispering something to the crystal. A second later, the light was as strong as the rest of the others, and it floated back to join the group.

        “Yeah, but… wait a minute, for my nightmares, you actually came and talked to me in my dream. Here, you just whispered something to his crystal and called it good enough. Why doesn’t he get a special visit?” I asked, looking up at her.

        “First of all, Berry Shake is a she, not a he,” Luna said, sighing and rolling her eyes. “Second of all, she didn’t need the royal treatment. Sometimes, the right word is all it takes to end a nightmare.” What was my word?

        Broken.

        I’m not listening to you.

        If you weren’t listening to me, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

        Luna cleared her throat. I looked up at her. “Yes?”

        “If you’re quite done talking with yourself, perhaps we can move on to your first assignment?” Luna said, conjuring up a blackboard. “Since you’re going to be exploring and wielding the magic of the Dreaming, perhaps it would be best if we start with our history. Are you ready to begin?”

        I took a deep breath and nodded.


♪♪♪


        Light filtered into my hospital room, Luna’s stories about the war with Balumet still floating around in my skull. The Dreaming was weird. Still, at least she was trying to teach me instead of just taking away my ability to dream. She was nicer to me than I would’ve been.

        Nicer than you deserve.

        Ugh, and the voice of Bright Lights was already back to work. Is that what they meant when they said there was no rest for the wicked?

        “Hey,” Scootaloo said from beside my hospital bed. She was already here? It couldn’t have been past ten. “Finally up? Guess you really needed your beauty sleep.”

        A tiny smile played on my lips. “What would my sister say if she knew I wasn’t getting my rest?” I pitched my voice to mimic her accent. “A lady is always well-rested, Sweetie Belle.”

        Scootaloo mock shivered. “Ooh, spooky, I could’ve sworn she just walked in the room.”

        “But she didn’t, right?” I asked, my smile vanishing. “I mean, she’s still in Ponyville. She’s not… Would it be okay if we waited a while before I saw her? I just…” I sunk deeper into my sheets. “I’d prefer not to see anypony from before until after I’m better.”

        Like you can be fixed.

        Scootaloo’s smile stayed on her face. “Uhh… don’t I count as ‘from before’? Or did I just dream having you as my best friend for nine years?” Nine? We’d only known each other for six years before I left for Manehattan... Oh.

        “What did I do to get you as my best friend?” I asked, wiping the tears out of my eyes. Here I was, crying, not being happy, and she still–

        “She loves you, Sweetie Belle,” an image of Princess Luna said, echoing her words from last night. “You don’t have to fear her leaving you just because you stopped smiling. That’s what real friendship means.”

        “You know what you did,” Scootaloo said, picking up an old scooter bell sitting on my nightstand. She still had that? Yeah… I remembered her saying something about that three years ago. Back when things went from bad to awful. I smiled. Who would’ve guessed Scootaloo had a sentimental side? “Anyways, how are you doing? You’ve got a doctor coming in from Ponyville today; Princess Luna apparently requested him personally.”

        “Yeah, I know,” I said, pushing myself so I was sitting up. “She told me last night.” She told me a lot of other things too, but… should I start telling ponies about the Dreaming? It had to be secret for a reason. 

        I closed my eyes. “She loves you, Sweetie Belle,” Luna’s voice said. 

        “You already told me that,” I mumbled. “Twice, actually, so–”

        “So are you going to give her what she wants?” Bright Lights asked, sitting on the side of the bed opposite Scootaloo. “You already gave it to everypony else in Manehattan, so you might as well. Who knows, maybe she’ll actually be with you in the morning. Probably not, though. They all leave eventually.” Bright Lights cracked a grin. “Once they get what they want, they all leave.”

        I looked to Luna for support, but she’d vanished back to wherever she came from. Would it have killed her to drag Bright Lights along with her?

        “She loves you,” Bright Lights mocked. “I bet she still thinks it’s like those dumb storybooks you used to read. The gallant knight rescued the princess from her tower and now the knight expects her reward. Don’t be dumb and start thinking–”

        “Shut up!” I yelled. “Just… stop trying to get inside my head. I know Scootaloo loves me, I saw her dream, she’s not just going to–”

        Bright Lights laughed. “Oh, and wouldn’t you know it, I have to go, again. Still, I’m sure you and Scoots have plenty to talk about.” Horseapples. Stupid hallucinations.

        “You saw my dreams?” Scootaloo asked, looking at me like one of us had lost our minds. “And you didn’t tell me?”

        “Well, I only saw it last night,” I said, brushing a hoof through my mane. “And… it’s not like I went looking for it; Princess Luna showed it to me after I accidentally forced you to perform in one of my nightmares.” Great. Didn’t sound crazy at all.

        “So… you saw the dream where you and I were…” She trailed off; her cheeks flushed red.

        “Oh. Nononono. No. Definitely not,” I said, feeling my own cheeks get hot. Why was I blushing? I’d done way worse than have a little sex dream. I’d had a swing party with actual swings. We had trapeze artists and everything. That was a fun night. And now, thanks to Bright Lights, everypony in Equestria probably knew about it. “No, I just saw the dream where you were hugging me and I disappeared. I didn’t see the two of us…” 

        “That was the dream I was talking about,” Scootaloo said, sighing. “Ugh, it’s so sappy. I hate that you saw it.”

        “It was sweet,” I said, smiling at her. “I mean, not the part where I disappeared into smoke, but… the good part was nice.”

        She snorted and rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t matter, it’s just a dream. It doesn’t mean anything if I had a good dream or a nightmare.”

        “But they can be fun,” I said, slipping into an old groove. She wants you. Give her what she wants. “I had dreams about you, too.” If you’re going to love anypony, it should be her. She deserves it. She deserves more, actually.

        The look on Scootaloo’s face was wrong, it was all hurt and surprised. Not enticed. I was supposed to be– I shut my eyes. We’re not that mare anymore. We can’t be. “Sorry,” I said, not wanting to open my eyes and see the look on her face. “I just… I saw how much you cared for me, and all you did to help me, and I thought the least I could do was date you. I mean… you love me, so I might as well.”

        “That’s the worst reason to date somepony I ever heard,” Scootaloo said. I opened my eyes to see her rubbing the back of her head. “Yeah, I… love you – that’s really not how I imagined telling you that – but that… Can we talk about something less weird for me right now? Like maybe who your sister’s been dating.”

        “Twilight, I know. Luna told me,” I said. “Hey, I’m sorry for seeing your dreams. Luna just wanted to show me some ponies still really cared about me instead of just pitying me.” I smiled at her. “And for what it’s worth, your dream made me feel a lot better.”

        Scootaloo gave the smallest of smiles. “Happy to help, then, I guess. And… Can we talk about the relationship stuff later? Way later. When you’re feeling better.”

        “That sounds good,” I said, smiling at her. “So, what are the chances of the doctors letting me out of bed today? Because I’d kind of like to actually do something today, even if it’s just trotting around a hallway.”

        “Yeah, I’ll go find somepony and see what’s up,” Scootaloo said, trotting to the door. “Just… don’t go anywhere until I get back.”

        “Ha ha, very funny,” I said, tossing one of my pillows after her. “So funny that I forgot to laugh.”

        A few minutes of me staring out the window later, Scootaloo and Dr. Grey Matter trotted into the room. “So, Doc, what do you say? Isn’t she a picture of good health?”

        “Far from it,” the doctor said, frowning. “But a brief stroll around the hallways won’t hurt her, and might even have some therapeutic benefits. Her therapist will be reaching the city today?”

        Scootaloo shook her head. “Tomorrow, actually. So, what do you say, Sweetie? Up for a little walk?”

        “Yes. Absolutely yes,” I said, sitting myself on the edge of the bed and staring down at the ground. One push and I’d be up, taking my first steps since the penthouse. One push.  I took a deep breath and shoved, swiveling my forelegs up so they’d hit the ground before my face. Why did I have to pick the most dangerous way to get out of bed? I could have just hopped out like I normally did; but nope, today was apparently Be a Complete Idiot Day.

        So, a normal day for you.

        “Shush.” I winced. “Sorry, just talking to myself again,” I said, looking up at Scootaloo, standing next to me and offering her side in case I needed somepony to lean on. I smiled at her. “Ready for our walk?”

        “Sure,” she said, shrugging. “That is, as long as you’re going to talk with me instead of those voices in your head.”

        “Will do,” I said, giving a tiny laugh as I took my first step. “You make way better company than she does, anyways.”

        “Well done, Sweetie Belle,” Luna said, appearing in front of me and moving to lead me down the hall. “You’ve started a long and arduous journey, but I’m confident your friends will support you with every step you take. And who knows, with an experienced guide, perhaps you can avoid some of the more common pitfalls.”

        “Indeed, little sister,” Rarity said, appearing on my other side. “We’ll be with you every step of the way until you’re safe and well.”

        “So,” I said, as the four of us trotted out of my room. “Care to show me around the ward, Scootaloo?”

        She smiled at me. “Nothing I’d like more.”
> 3. War on Drugs
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        I glared down at the newspaper and slammed my right hoof down onto the table, getting only the faintest twinge of feeling in return.




Behind the Curtain: The Salacious Life of Equestria’s Brightest Star




        Whatever was in there was true. Probably. I don’t think there were many things I hadn’t done, but… some parts of the last few years were really hard to remember. I sighed and rubbed my eyes with my other hoof, trying not to focus on the washed-out room around me or the dull ache in my chest where Joy used to go. 

        Just a hoofful of pills will bring the world back to life. Maybe you’ll even get to feel that pain in your hoof. What? Pain? I glanced at my hoof, and that… shouldn’t bend like that. I poked it with my bandaged hoof and felt barely a twinge. “Hello!” I shouted, looking for the button to call the nurse. Back on my bed. No way I was walking back there on this hoof. I might not be able to feel it now, but I probably would later. Weren’t they supposed to be giving me stuff to make the withdrawal less bad?

        “They are,” Bright Lights said from the table across from me. “How do you think you’re able to stand without screaming in pain? To live for a single second without aching for the next hit of Joy with every fiber of your being? You think being numb is bad? Count your blessings.”

        I narrowed my eyes at her. “You’re being… less awful than usual. Why?”

        She smirked, showing just a hint of sharpened teeth. Did I just imagine that? I guess I did. I imagined everything else about my hallucinations, right? “I just want to point out all the advantages you have before you break and go back to using. If you want to conjure up some other voices in your head, I could get a betting pool going.”

        “That’s more what I expected,” I said, glaring at her and trying to balance on my back legs so I could walk to the bed without putting pressure on my bad hoof. Bad hooves. Step. Step. Step. “I’m not gonna go back, though. I’m… good. I don’t need Joy to be happy or whatever.”

        “Really?” Bright Lights asked, trotting around to stay in front of me. Not that she really needed to. She could just move wherever she wanted. Or, I guess I was moving her. “Because from my point of view, the world looks awfully bleak. Trapped in a grey room with grey walls.” She held up a blue-grey hoof so I could get a better look at it. “Even I’m feeling washed out. Won’t a bit of Joy add some color to our lives? Make you feel like yourself again?”

        “Go away!” I shouted, swinging my bandaged forehoof through her as I collapsed onto the bed and jammed the button as fast and hard as I could. “Nurse!” I shouted.

        “Yes, Sweetie Belle?” a white unicorn asked, sounding like there was a mile of water between us. I held up my hoof for her.

        “Oh, dear,” she said, trotting into the room to inspect it better. “What happened?”

        “I kind of got mad at the newspaper and punched it. And the table. I, uhmm, didn’t even feel anything was wrong,” I said, trying to give her a little smile. “I guess I’m on some pretty good painkillers.”

        She shook her head. “We wouldn’t give painkillers to a recovering…” Addict. “You’re on some medications to mute the withdrawal symptoms, but it shouldn’t cause numbness in the extremities to the level you described.” She sighed. “You know, if you could tell us all the pills you were on, we might be able to predict your withdrawal symptoms.”

        “Sorry, I wasn’t really in charge of getting the drugs, just taking them when Bright Lights told me to.” And now you get to take drugs when the doctor tells you to. At least Bright Lights’ drugs made you feel good.

        Shut up. We’re not thinking like that anymore.

        But what would we do for another taste of Joy? Another taste of not being miserable?

        I sighed. I already knew the answer. If they dropped a pill in front of me, it wouldn’t hit the ground. I looked back up to the nurse who was glaring off at something. “Yes, well, I’ll just go get the doctor so we can take care of your hoof.” She glanced back at the newspaper and floated it towards her. “And maybe no more newspapers for a while. You need to focus on getting better, not the rumors going around. We don’t want to jeopardize your recovery, right?” I growled. Why did I even bother trying to get better? Nopony was ever going to like me again, anyways.

        Well, besides Scootaloo. And Rarity. Maybe. If she could ever forgive me for being so awful to her. 

        “Of course she won’t,” Bright Lights said from her new spot next to my bed. “You don’t deserve it. You deserve pain and loneliness.”

        “Just shut up!” I shouted, rolling away from her. “It’s not like I want you here. Nopony wants you here, so just leave me alone!”

        The nurse looked at me from the edge of the room. Were her eyes tearing up? I didn’t think you could be a nurse with such thin skin. “Sorry,” I said, sinking back into my bed. “I was talking to one of my hallucinations, not you.” That… Maybe I should just start lying about my hallucinations. It would make me sound less crazy, at least.

        “Not likely,” Bright Lights said. I didn’t bother to respond.

        “Yes, well… I’ll just get the doctor,” the nurse said, turning her familiar blue eyes away from me. Did she used to work in the Ponyville General Hospital? “Will you be fine on your own?”

        I nodded at her and she walked out the door, leaving me alone. “I don’t want to talk to you,” I said, feeling Bright Light’s eyes on the back of my neck.

        “Obviously, some part of you does, or I wouldn’t be here. Or did you forget how this works?” I clinched my eyes shut as tight as I could and imagined Bright Lights not being there. And kept imagining. And then imagined a little more.

        “Sweetie Belle?” Dr. Grey Matter said. I opened an eye to look at him as he trotted into the room, the nurse following a few paces after him. “I understand your hoof’s injured,” he said, lightly gripping the injured hoof with his magic and bringing the tip of his horn down, letting his magic flow into my hoof. It felt… I don’t know, my whole forehoof was kind of numb, but the tingling from having broken a bone was replaced by a different slightly better type of tingling? Describing things is hard when everything feels like a bunch of different types of grey. 

        “That should have set and mended the bone, but… in the interest of caution, try to keep your weight off it for the next few days,” he said, inspecting his hoofwork with one eye. “And I’ll look through your list of medications to see if any of them could combine and cause the numbness you’re feeling. In the mean time, try not to attack any more tables.” Ugh, at least Scootaloo wasn’t here to worry over me. If she heard about this, she probably wouldn’t let me out of her sight again.

        “Thanks for the advice,” I mumbled. “So… is there anything planned for today, or do I just get to spend all day in bed staring at the ceiling?” Maybe if I fell asleep early, I could have another talk with Luna.

        The nurse nodded. “The therapist Princess Luna and your sister hired should be arriving in…” she glanced at the clock. “My goodness, just a few minutes, and I’m sure Scootaloo will be here shortly.” She paused and tilted her head. “If you’d like, I can write a letter to your sister; I’m sure she’d love to keep you company.”

        I shook my head. “I can’t see her now. It’s… I’ve got so much apologizing to do, and… how can I look her in the eyes after how awful I was to her?”

        “She’ll forgive you,” the nurse said, tilting her head. “At least, if she’s anything like my sister, she will. That’s what sisters do.”

        “Maybe,” I said, bringing my bad hoof up to my face. “I know I’ll have to do it eventually, just… not yet.”

        “Of course. Just let me know when you’re ready, and I’ll help you draft the letter,” she said as the doctor trotted back out of the room, his work finished. “And if you need anything else, I’m just a button press away.”

        “Thanks,” I said, leaning back in my bed and staring up at the ceiling, as I listened to her receding hoofsteps. At least they gave me a friendly enough nurse. I yawned, trying to decide whether my tiredness was caused by my new sleeping habits or the withdrawal. Hopefully, the doctor wouldn’t take too long to get here.


♪♪♪


        An eternity later, I was still staring at the stupidly-grey ceiling. Would one pill be so bad? Just so I could see colors that weren’t completely muted and hear things without sounding like my head had been shoved underwater. Just enough to feel normal again.

        Ugh. How much longer was it going to take for the other doctor to get here? The nurse (I really needed to get her name) said it would be a few minutes, but instead, it had been – I glanced at the clock – only three minutes. Great, boredom was even more boring without Joy and the rest of the gang to keep my spirits up. I licked my lips. Just another taste, just enough to get through the day. It wasn’t addiction if I wasn’t over-using, right?

        I think needing drugs just to get by is the definition of addiction, one of the less unpleasant voices in my head said. Besides, do we really want to give Bright Lights the satisfaction of being right?

        Why not? She was right about everything else. Great, and now they were having a conversation completely without my input. Well, I guess that wasn’t true since they were still me. Technically. Hmm. Maybe I could create another pony to yell at Bright Lights so I didn’t have to. An angel to balance the devil on my shoulder.

        “That’s great,” Bright Lights said from somewhere near me. I lolled my head over to see her sitting next to my bed. “Create enough voices, and you can just give up all personal responsibility. ‘It’s not my fault, I was just following orders.’ Not that I’m surprised, you were always better at doing what everypony else wanted instead of thinking for yourself. Would you like it if I started ordering you around again? Didn’t it feel good being on my leash?”

        “No,” I said, shaking my head. “I spent the last three years listening to you, and look how great that turned out.”

        She laughed and flicked the tip of my horn. “This didn’t happen because you listened to me. It happened because you stopped listening to me. Thought you could do things on your own. Forgot just who made you.” She scowled as we transported back into the penthouse, a bottle of vodka floating next to me as I lounged on the couch, somepony I didn’t know sucking on my horn.

        “I’m not giving you the part,” I said, shaking my head and causing the pony on my horn to yelp. Oops. “It’s mine. I earned it. You just… you’re jealous.”

        Bright Lights laughed. “I’m jealous? How could I be jealous of my own pet?” She moved to stroke my mane. “Sweet puppy. Mother’s spoiled you too much. Spared the rod for too long. And now look at you, lazy and insolent and biting the hoof that feeds you.” Her smile shifted into a glare. “I spent the last three years building your star up, and now you need to return the favor. Don’t deny me again.”

        “Why should I listen to you?” I asked, sitting up. This… this had already happened, hadn’t it? Break script, Sweetie. This is just another nightmare, all you have to do is wake up. “I don’t need anypony, I’m the… I’m the biggest star in Equestria, and you’re just my assistant. Everypony loves me, and nopony even knows who you are.” I pushed the other mare off me and got to my hooves, feeling the however-many drugs I was on pulsing through my veins. Joy. Breeze. Giddy-up. Extractin. Altone. Z-183. Sing. Sing. Sing. I was a colossus straddling Equestria. Who was she to oppose me? “I’m not your stupid puppy.”

        “Very well,” Bright Lights said, straightening up to look me in the eye. “You think you can function without me? You think the masses will adore you when I’m not there to make you look good? We’ll just see about that.” She turned and stormed out of the apartment, leaving me back in a hospital bed.

        “What the hay just happened?” I asked, looking at the brown stallion with a red tie staring down at me.

        “Why don’t you tell me?” he said, extending a hoof out for me. “Oh, I’m Dr. Hooves, by the way. A pleasure to meet you, Sweetie Belle.”

        “Hey, aren’t you that mad-scientist stallion? The one who brought those fireworks to Cranky’s wedding?” I asked. He didn’t exactly seem like the type of pony to be a therapist.

        “No, no, that’s just ‘the Doctor.’ I, on the other hoof, am a licensed medical professional, who has the distinct misfortune of looking exactly like that imposter,” he said as we shook hooves. 

        “So… how does that work? You have the same coat color and cutie marks, and you’re both doctors. That seems like a pretty big coincidence,” I said, taking my hoof back. 

        “It’s… unlikely,” Doctor Hooves said. “But it’s been known to happen in a few cases. Something about genetic synchronicity.” He ran a hoof through his mane. “You know, after moving to Ponyville, I had to let my mane grow long and change the color of my tie just to separate the two of us. Obviously, he wasn’t about to change a thing. But enough about me. Tell me about you, Sweetie Belle.”

        I frowned. That was a lot to condense down. Where would I even begin. “Well, I spent the last three years taking every drug I could, and now I’m sober and miserable. Oh! Plus there was a lot of sex.”

        He nodded at me and pulled a notebook out of his saddlebags. “Yes, I read the accounts in the papers, I think I’m familiar with the rough outline. What we need to figure out is why that happened, and then implement strategies to prevent another lapse from happening again.”

        “Oh?” I said, tilting my head. “So… are you going to ask me to tell you about my mother? Because that’s what you do in all the stories. Well, not you, but–” 

        “Yes, I understood your point, and no, we aren’t going to talk about your parents unless you want to. Honestly, it’s a little amazing that even a century later, when most ponies think of therapy, all they can think of is Sigmare Freud. We’ve moved past that as a profession. You don’t think most physicists are still fooling around with apples, do you?”

        I shook my head. “No… I don’t…” I had no idea what physicists did, but probably not apples. Why would they do anything with apples besides eat them? “So what do therapists do then? You know, besides trying to fix crazy ponies.”

        “I don’t like that word,” Doctor Hooves said. “‘Crazy.’ It’s a cheap way to dismiss another pony’s perspective, and marginalize them. I don’t think you’re crazy, Sweetie Belle.”

        “Really?” I asked, my ears perking up. “Because right before you came in, I was arguing with a hallucination and then got transported into some weird dream flashback. I think that’s the definition of crazy.”

        It is.

        Shut. Up.

        “Yes, well, I certainly wouldn’t say such things are healthy, just like I wouldn’t say a broken hoof is healthy. It’s a thing that needs to be treated. Now, I understand you’re on a regimen to deal with the more… neurological aspects of your condition?” he said, taking a seat next to the foot of my bed. 

        “I think that’s what Dr. Grey Matter and Princess Luna are for,” I said. “So… what are you here for?”

        “So we can identify the negative behaviors that led you to this hospital room,” he said, taking his eyes from me to his notepad.

        “Drugs. There, done,” I said, rolling my eyes. This really wasn’t that hard. Why did ponies even need therapists?

        Hooves sighed. “And just why did you start taking drugs, Sweetie?”

        “Because they made me feel good. That’s why, like, everypony takes them, right? You don’t do something if it makes you feel bad,” I said.

        He made a quick note in his book. “That’s a very interesting philosophy. Why do you think I’m here, Sweetie? Why do you think I do what I do?”

        I frowned and tapped a hoof on the bed, trying to think of an answer. “Do you think I enjoy seeing ponies in pain, Sweetie?”

        “Well… no. You don’t seem like you do,” I said, seeing where he was heading. “But you like fixing ponies. You like seeing ponies who were hurting be happy.”

        “You’re right, helping ponies is rewarding to me, Sweetie, but…” He trailed off, making a few notes. “I read a bit about you on the train ride over here. Not the gossip magazines. Your friends and family prepared statements for me about the events leading up to your departure from Ponyville, on the fear that you might be uncooperative during our initial sessions. Now…” He flipped through another folder and brought his hoof down on a page. “A statement by Diamond Tiara. She admitted to giving you your first alcoholic drink, and helping plan a party where you and your marefriends could drink freely. Is that right?”

        I nodded, memories of a night drowned in alcohol bubbling up while I rubbed the back of my head. “Yeah… She didn’t mean anything, she just thought I’d like it. She was right.”

        “Mhmm,” he said as more scribbling filled the air. How many notes was he going to take? “And were you happy before you started drinking?”

        “Sometimes,” I said, frowning and tilting my head to look out the window. Why did we have to go through all the stuff I messed up on? I already knew I messed up. He didn’t have to remind me about it. “But sometimes, I wasn’t, and… if I wasn’t happy, maybe my friends wouldn’t want to be with me?”

        Scootaloo, why do you like me?

        You’re always happy.

        “So, you did everything you could to be happy all the time,” he said, turning the page in his notes. “Your friends are important to you, aren’t they?”

        “They were,” I said, biting the inside corner of my cheek. “I don’t know… I don’t think I have many friends anymore. Just Scootaloo, and I’m still not sure why. I was, like, the worst friend ever. I was terrible to her, and she just… she still wants to be my friend.”

        “Then it seems you have at least one friend who will still support you if you aren’t constantly happy. In fact, it seems like she’ll support you through just about anything,” he said, causing me to lull my head over to look at him, a smile spreading on my lips.

        “I guess you’re right,” I said. My smile quickly vanishing. “Can I tell you something?”

        He nodded.. “I hope you will. It will make our sessions immensely easier if I don’t have to ferret every little bit of information out of you.”

        “Well… don’t tell anypony this. You can’t tell anypony this, right?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. 

        “Unless you tell me something that presents a danger to either yourself or others, no,” he said. That made sense, I guess. If I told him I was going to try and jump out a window or something, how could he live with it if I actually did it. Not that I was planning on doing any window jumping any time soon.

        “It’s… I really tried to be happy for my friends, you know, but then when I thought they weren’t appreciating it enough – when they wanted me to tell them about how I really felt – I got upset with them for not appreciating what I was doing for them. So then, I stopped being happy with my friends, and get more upset with them for making me be not happy. It was… What are those things called? You know, like loops that make themselves worse?”

        “Vicious cycle,” he said. “So you’d get angrier and angrier with your friends, and then you’d turn to drink or drugs to feel better?”

        “Yeah…” I nodded. “I think it was around Hearth’s Warming where Bright Lights first told me about Joy. It was also around then she started saying the only way I could be happy was if I stopped caring about my friends.” I shook my head. “I was so mad at them, I forgot the only reason I wanted to be happy in the first place was to keep my friends happy.”

        I tapped my good forehoof against the side of my bed. “So, is that it? Are we done? I messed up because I forgot about the magic of friendship and started being selfish, and that just made me miserable. We’ve solved the problem, right?”

        He laughed. “No, Sweetie, I’m afraid we’re nowhere near ‘done’. We discovered one of your problematic world views. Even if it was the only one, we’d still need weeks of counselling to actually correct it. Medicine doesn’t end at the diagnosis; otherwise, you would have been cured the moment your doctor said your forehoof was broken.”

        I winced and looked at the offending hoof. “I guess you have a point. So…” I trailed off, not sure how to end the thought.

        “Yes, so, you turned to drugs because you saw it as the only way to stay happy when your facade started crumbling,” Doctor Hooves said. “Because you’d prioritized being happy as the greatest possible good.” He paused and made another note. “Or was it because you didn’t want to deal with what was making you unhappy?”

        I shrugged. “Can’t it be both? It feels like it was probably both. I mean… I’m still not sure what was making me unhappy. I just remember feeling like unless I was happy every second of every day, the ponies I cared about most were going to leave me.”

        “I see,” he said as he made more notes. “And when you were drinking or on drugs, were your fears of abandonment as bad?”

        “No,” I said, shaking my head and trying to scoot up a little so I was more sitting than lying in bed. “I usually felt pretty okay when… I felt great when I was on Joy the first few dozen times, and even when I’d started getting used to it… I still didn’t really worry about anything. Then, when Bright Lights added more drugs to the mix, it got even harder to think about bad thoughts. As long as I did what she told me to, I felt great.”

        “See, Sweetie, even you have to admit I’m not all bad,” the hallucinatory Bright Lights said from the opposite side of my bed. “When you’re with me, you get everything you want, and all I ask is your total unwavering obedience. Not that terrible a deal, is it? I’m sure if you came to me hat-in-hoof, begging for forgiveness, I could be persuaded to restore you to your old lifestyle.”

        “I think I’ll pass,” I mumbled before closing my eyes and willing her away. I turned back to Doctor Hooves. “Sorry, I’ve been seeing a hallucinatory Bright Lights a lot lately, and whenever I mention her, she just can’t miss the opportunity to show up and annoy me.”

        He glanced away for a second. “Yes, well, I’m afraid I can’t offer any helpful advice on dealing with the actual hallucinations until I’m more familiar with the nature of your condition. But, on the other hoof, the fact that you are able to correctly identify them as hallucinations is a good sign, so… that will have to be enough for now. Now, let’s go back to talking about that year at Princess Luna’s Academy. By all accounts, it was a rather momentous year for you.”

        “Yeah,” I said, thinking back to the two seasons leading up to that Hearth’s Warming. Up until it got bad, it was pretty good. “I became omniscient and got trapped in a time loop, and that was just in the first week of school.” He raised an eyebrow at me. “Yeah, I think this is going to take the rest of the hour.”


♪♪♪


        A brush combed through my mane as somepony else put my makeup on. “Sweetie, you can do this,” a vaguely pony-shaped yellow blur said. Who were they? I… We were back behind one of the stages, getting ready for a show.

        “But Bright Lights didn’t…” I nodded off for a second as the haze of whatever drugs Bright Lights had given me rolled through my mind. “She does all that stuff for me.”

        “And she’s not here right now, is she?” the pony, definitely a stallion, said. “And what if she’s not here when you need to change illusion spells? You don’t want to walk home looking like Green Hoof, do you?”

        I shook my head. “No, but… she wouldn’t just abandon me. She does everything for me, she… Without her, I wouldn’t have…” My pills. I needed my pills at just the right time at just the right dosage, otherwise, the cold sweats and the nightmares started up. The pills that took away the nightmares were almost as important as the Joy. Almost.

        “It’s a simple spell; any unicorn can do it with some training. Just find the spell matrix wrapped around you, cut a few key lines in the grid, and any illusion cast on you will dissolve,” he said. Was he the art director? That seemed right. “Just try not to break any of the other illusion spells on stage. They’re a bit harder to restore. Now, are you ready to give it a try?”

        I nodded and reached into myself with my magic, feeling the hums of magical energy moving through me and shooting out into the world through my horn and hooves. Around me, I could feel the tingle of the spell he’d cast on me, dying my coat green and my mane purple. Or purple-er. I wrapped my own magic around the spell grid, pulled, and–

        “Bum-bum-bum-bum.” The four notes woke me from the dream I’d fallen into after the doctor left, and my eyes focused on Scootaloo, who was sitting at the table in my hospital room.

        “What did you say?” I asked, heart thudding in my chest as my mouth tasted metal. 

        We hate you, Sweetie.

        Are those really my friends?

        Bright Lights laughed. “Twisting your friends into the monsters you dream of. Even when you’re trying to be good, you still ruin everything. At least with me, the only pony you hurt was yourself.”

        A bolt zapped out of my horn and bounced off the floor where my hallucination had been standing just a second earlier. At least it managed to get rid of her.

        “Are you alright?” Scootaloo asked, undeserved sympathy in her eyes. I glared at her.

        “What did you say?” I asked, not bothering to answer the obvious question.

        “Nothing,” she said, trotting to take a seat next to my bed. “Just had a song stuck in my head these last few days. You ever wake up humming a few bars of a song you can’t quite remember?”

        “Sometimes,” I said, swallowing down my fear. And sometimes, I’m the pony who gets the songs stuck. At least Luna will be here tonight, so I can talk to her.

        “Right, so it’s nothing. What’s the big deal? Was I humming one of your songs?” More than you know.

        “Probably, just… one I didn’t think I’d hear again.” New topic. Now. I quickly forced a smile for her before letting it die. No more fake smiles. “When did you get here?”

        “A few minutes ago. You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to bother you.  Rainbow Dash always says it should be illegal to interrupt a good nap,” she added with a grin.

“Sorry,” I said.  “I guess talking to Dr. Hooves tired me out more than I thought.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I spent two days sitting next to you while they detoxed your system; I can spend a few hours waiting for you to wake up after a rough night. Didn’t sleep well?”

        I laughed. “For some reason, I’ve been having some pretty bad nightmares. Any idea why?”

        Thank Celestia, she laughed at my dumb joke. Maybe she didn’t find it funny, but at least she played along. At least for a second, she didn’t have that look in her eyes that everypony had been giving me since I woke up.

        Just take a few pills, and you won’t care about their pity anymore.

        “So, what do you want to do today? The doctors were okay with letting you walk around the hospital for a bit under supervision, but then you had to break your foreleg. Seriously, what was up with that?” Scootaloo asked. And the look was back again. Poor crazy Sweetie Belle.

        “Did you see the front page this morning?” I asked, pushing the remote to tilt my bed up.

        “Oh,” Scootaloo said, hard realization replacing concern.

        “Yeah,” I said, scooting my flank back so I could properly sit up in my hospital bed.  How many days did we spend just lying in bed, so out of our heads we couldn’t feel anything? You’re, like, the worst subconscious ever. Wouldn’t it be nice to do that again? To just not care about everything we’ve done?

        Celestia, help me, it would. After the last few days, just a few hours of not caring about anything but the ceiling fan would be heaven.

        “Stop it, Sweetie,” Rarity said from behind Scootaloo. “You know you’re better than that.”

        “No, I’m not,” I said. “If I was, I wouldn’t have done it in the–”

        “Stop. Talking. To. Yourself.” Scootaloo said, jumping between me and my (hallucinatory) sister. “Whatever she’s saying to you, just ignore it.”

        “Rarity’s telling me not to take any more drugs,” I said, a tiny giggle getting stuck in my throat.

        Scootaloo laughed too. “Maybe… maybe listen to that one.” She shook her head. “So… the hallucinations are still pretty bad?”

        I nodded. “Sometimes I get Rarity, though, so… it’s nice seeing her again. And she’s not mad at me, either, just encouraging me to be better. Definitely better than Bright Lights.”

        “Sounds like it,” Scootaloo said, glancing away from me for a second. What did I do wrong this time? Besides having crazy hallucinations and spending the last three years trying to drug myself into oblivion. Oh, and dating the worst mare in Equestria. “So… do you want to see your sister again? It’s kind of taking a royal order from Princess Luna to keep her from being here right now.”

        “I can’t,” I said, shaking my head. “I… You know, she was the best big sister ever, and I didn’t… I was so awful to her. What can I say to make it up to her? Why would she ever want to see me again?” Because she’s your sister.

        “She’s your sister,” Scootaloo said, mirroring my own thoughts. “Do you know how many letters she sent me asking about you? She’s rented a hotel room in Manehattan for the next few months, and she’s just waiting for the okay to come see you. We all… I don’t know how many times I have to say we don’t care about what you did, but it’s true. All we want is to see you get better.” I winced. Of course she did. That’s what friends wanted, right? In another life, I knew the answer.

        “You’re right,” I mumbled. “I guess… in a few days, when everything’s not so washed out, we can have her visit.” I sighed. “And then she can give me the same look everypony else is.” The look you give to wounded animals.

        “What look?” Scootaloo asked, like she didn’t know the answer.

        “That one,” I said, pointing a hoof at her. “Like just being in the same room as me hurts. Between you, Princess Luna, and the nurse, I think the only pony who likes spending time with me is the doctor. Hooves, not Grey Matter.” That wasn’t true; Luna was usually alright, just strict.

        “I… It’s not easy for us, Sweetie. You’re my best friend, and to see you here and hurting… Sorry I can’t smile and pretend to be happy about it.” I winced at her words and she saw her mistake. “That’s… You know what I mean.” I nodded. It wasn’t fair of me to hold a grudge against her for anything, and sulking would just make things worse. I did it anyways.

        “You’re right,” I said, giving a yawn and stretching. “I know exactly how hard it is to pretend to be happy, so if being here hurts, you can go home.” I know, she was coming here for me, but… If her being near me hurts her, she shouldn’t be near me. That’s an easy enough solution.

        “Sweetie, she is here to see you. To support you. If being uncomfortable for a while is what it takes to help a friend, then that’s what she’ll do. It’s a small price to pay to see you get better,” Rarity said, entering the conversation again. “She doesn’t want to be happy while you’re suffering; she wants the both of you to be happy again.”

        “And what about you?” I asked, ignoring the look Scootaloo gave me.

        Instead of getting an answer, she just faded into nothing. Stupid hallucinations, staying when I wanted them to go and disappearing when I actually needed them. I guess she couldn’t have given me a real answer, anyways. Hallucinations couldn’t tell you what their real-life counterparts actually thought, right?

        “Sorry,” I mumbled into my chest. “I… thank you for being here, but can I be alone right now? My mood’s not good for anypony right now, and I don’t want to accidentally take anything out on you. I’ll talk to you more tomorrow.”

        “But I just got here,” Scootaloo said. “Look, I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to help, so just tell me what I can do, and I’ll do it.”

        “You can make the last three years go away,” I said. “Take me back to the moment before I met Bright Lights.” I sighed. Not that that would help. I’d still be just as dumb and broken as I was before that. At least Bright Lights had shown me how useless I was. “If you can’t do that…” I sighed. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be anymore. I can’t go back to being the filly I was before, I don’t want to go back to being that mare again, so… what am I supposed to do? I need some time to think things over, and… could you just go? Please?”

        She stood on her hooves and trotted over to the door. “You can get back there if you want to, but… I’ll see you tomorrow?” she asked at the threshold.

        “I wouldn’t miss it,” I said, giving a small smile. “Sorry for being so grumpy.”

        Scootaloo met my smile with one larger. “Hey, it’s cool. Better than you trying to be happy all the time. If something’s upsetting you, I’d rather you talk about it then just bottle it up and smile. And hey, if you need some time alone to think things through… I guess I can understand that.  I’ll see you tomorrow. Let me know if you figure something out.”


♪♪♪


        I sat in the blue nothingness of the Dreaming, nothing figured out at all. Ugh. Figuring out how to completely rebuild yourself was a lot harder than it sounded. “It’s hard to figure out what you are, until you establish what you’re not,” Princess Luna said, trotting out of the mist towards me. 

        “How did you hear my thoughts?” I asked, frowning. Dream logic, probably.

        “You were thinking loudly,” she said, shrugging as she sat down next to me. “But I think I misspoke when I was advising you. We know who you are at your core, we’re just not sure how you can express it healthily.”

        “I’m not sure,” I said, closing my eyes and willing the world to shift back to my bedroom in Ponyville. The bedroom in the Boutique, not the one in my parents’ house. “I thought I was about being happy, but I spent the last three years doing everything I could to be happy, and that didn’t go so well.” And that was the understatement of several centuries. 

        “Perhaps, but… might I be allowed to speak my mind?” Princess Luna asked. “I know I don’t know you as well as your friends do, but I’ve also been privileged to see your innermost dreams.” And nightmares. “And the one constant in them is a concern for your friends… or perhaps it’s a concern for how your friends perceive you. Either way, I believe a concern for those around you makes for a decent core.”

        “It worked out so well for me before,” I said, flopping down onto my bed. “I lived and died on my friends’ words, until I didn’t, and then everything went bad. I can’t go back to just caring about my friends’ happiness. I don’t think that’s much better than just being concerned with my own happiness.”

        Princess Luna laughed and shook her head. “No, I don’t think either extreme is preferable. When you think a pony’s happiness is so important that it justifies another’s suffering, disaster is sure to follow. You got to experience both of them firsthoof.”

        “Right,” I said. “So I can’t care about my friends because that makes me kind of crazy and miserable, and I can’t care about myself because that makes me a different type of crazy and miserable. Then I tried not caring about anything, and…” I closed my eyes. “Actually, that one would be okay. Just for a few hours so I can feel okay, you know?”

        She nodded. “I can understand the appeal, but just shutting down isn’t the solution to any of your problems. Retreating to a world of inner fantasy has an undeniable appeal, but it’s a siren’s call.” She tapped a hoof and the world shifted to the penthouse, with sleeping ponies discarded on the floor and a musk filling the room. “For what was this but the fantasy you constructed for yourself?”

        “Alright,” I said, drawing us back into my room. “So, what do I do, then? Because right now, I just have a big list of things I can’t or shouldn’t do.”

        “That’s a question you must answer on your own, but I’d advise you to expand and try new things. You’ll find the perfect fit eventually, just… I’d caution you against extremes. They are so very rarely welcoming,” Princess Luna said, sitting next to my bed as the unfelt wind continued to blow her mane and tail.

        “So, try new things and don’t get carried away with it?” I asked, closing my eyes as a familiar tune broke into the dream. 

        “Hush, Sweetie, and dream a dream of all the things tomorrow will bring,” a familiar voice called. Rarity hadn’t sung this song for me since I was a filly.

        “You know, I’d almost completely forgotten this song, but I guess my subconscious or some part of me still remembers it perfectly. Crazy how that works.” I smiled mostly to myself. “Rarity always used to sing this for me when I had trouble sleeping.”

        “Yes,” Luna said, frowning and tapping her hoof to the tune. “Except this song isn’t a part of the Dreaming. It’s solid and unyielding, a product of the physical realm.”

        I shook my head. “No, that can’t be right. Nopony knows this song but my sister and me, and that…” She was in Manehattan; maybe she snuck into the hospital room? “How good is the security for my room?”

        “Every paparazzi in Equestria is clamoring for a shot of you. I’ve sent my finest covert agents to every hospital in Manehattan to keep possible interlopers away,” she said. “Listen, Sweetie, before you wake up to investigate, you need to know–”

        “Right,” I said, closing my eyes and focusing all my attention on them. “Focus on the dream and your closed eyes, and then open them up wide, right? You said even regular dreamers can do it.”

        “Yes, but Sweetie, that’s not what I meant to tell–”

        My eyes snapped open as the dream broke, bringing me to the dark hospital room where a shadow stood at the foot of my bed, still singing its song. I strained to make out more of her in the dark, but only saw suggestions of color and shape. “Who’s there?” I asked, lighting up my horn and switching the room’s lights on as the song came to a sudden halt. 

        The white unicorn standing in front of me wasn’t my sister. She could almost pass for her, with her white coat and blue eyes, but last time I checked, my sister didn’t have a red cross for a cutie mark. “Why are you singing in my room in the middle of the night?” I asked the nurse as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

        She chuckled to herself. “I’m sorry, I was here to check your monitors, and you know, when I’m all alone on these long night shifts, I tend to hum to myself. I feel simply terrible for disturbing you.”

        I frowned at her. That seemed almost plausible, except– “You were singing the lullaby my sister used to sing to me,” I said. The lullaby my sister made. 

        “Well, I suppose our sisters have similar tastes,” she said, stepping back to the door. “I’m really terribly sorry for disturbing you. Go back to sleep, Sweetie.”

        My magic shut the door before she could make her escape. “There’s something about you that doesn’t add up,” I said. “I know nurses are supposed to care about their patients, but...” I narrowed my eyes at her and reached out with my magic. Was I really that dumb? Obviously. The last three years were plenty of proof that my dumbness couldn’t be overestimated. If I had half a brain, I would’ve seen that Bright Lights was bad, but instead… I shook my head. There it was, the familiar magical runes of an illusion spell. One snip with my magic and–

        The false cutie mark vanished, instantly replaced by the familiar three diamonds, and her red tail went purple, although it was still way shorter than my sister’s. “Why did you cut your tail?” I asked my sister.

        “Oh… you know, short tails are so ‘in’ this season, how could I pass up the opportunity?” she said, giving up any pretense of being the nurse. There was a pause as we both stared at each other, waiting, unsure of what was about to happen... and then, she was on me, forehooves wrapped around me. “Oh, Sweetie, I’m so sorry, I should’ve been a better– I should have been better. Should have been there for you from day one, I should have never let my parents– I should have been firmer with you, been better with you during those first few years instead of focusing on my dresses, and–” Her tears sank into my coat. “Can you ever forgive me for being so awful?”

        That was it? No anger? No resentment? Just sobbing and begging me for forgiveness? “I thought you hated me,” I said, returning her hug as the first tears stung my eyes. “The entire time I was in Manehattan, and I never heard from you, I thought… I thought what I’d done was so awful that you couldn’t even stand to talk to me.”

        I felt her growl in the fur of my chest. “Oh, I wrote, Sweetie. I wrote at least once a week, but apparently, Miss Bright Lights kept those letters from you. I only found out through Mother and Father.” Oh yeah, they did visit me, didn’t they? I remembered Bright Lights filling me up with Joy and then the rest of the day was kind of... Wait? Bright Lights did what now?

        “You mean you...?” It was my turn to sob and bury my face in her coat. “I’m so sorry, Rarity, I should have never dated her. I just… she seemed so sweet and nice and I thought she was making me happy, but instead she was just making me… If I’d known what she’d do, I never would have said hi to her,” I said. “How can you look at me and not hate me?”

        There was a short, hoarse laugh as she pulled away, a tiny smile playing on her lips as mascara dripped down her cheeks. “I could never hate you, Sweetie, you’re my– you’re my sister. No matter what you do, no matter how vehemently I might disagree with your actions, I could never hate you. All that matters to me right now is that you’re with me again, and that you’re safe. Everything else can wait.”

        “So,” I said, wiping my tears with a forehoof, “why did you disguise yourself as a nurse? That’s… I think that’s at least a little odd.”

        She nodded and smiled, taking a seat next to my bed. “I suppose it is. After the penthouse and Luna’s involvement, she decided it would be best if we didn’t expose you to your old life too quickly. I refused to be cut out of your life for these first few days, so… we reached a compromise.”

        Wait, so there was a whole council of ponies planning my rehabilitation? And they didn’t want to let my sister see me? I rubbed the back of my head. Sure, I didn’t want to see her, but that was only because I didn’t want her to see how awful I’d become. That ponies were trying to keep her from me? “Who didn’t want you to see me?” I asked.

        “Nopony,” Rarity said, sighing and running a hoof through my mane like I was a filly again. I didn’t complain. “They all thought we should see each other, they just didn’t think… Your recovery is of the utmost import to all of us, and we didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize it. I hated the idea, but once I saw how terribly things had degraded, how close you’d come to total oblivion… Scootaloo told me how you were throwing yourself against the glass in the penthouse and babbling about needing to meet your fans.” I winced. I did do that, didn’t I? Wow. Drugs are bad. I mean, they can be fun, really fun, but definitely bad. Especially when you try and take all of them at once. “Well, I agreed that a deft touch might be better, and agreed to this charade until you were ready to see me. Or until you figured out the truth yourself, I suppose.”

        I rubbed the back of my head. “Heh, I feel…” She knew how I felt. Maybe we could talk about something lighter. “So, you and Twilight are…”

        She laughed at that. “You did read the papers, I see,” she said. Well… no, I hadn’t read a paper since… before this morning, I hadn’t read a newspaper ever, but I wasn’t about to tell her I could see her dreams. “I was worried that might happen. But yes, Twilight and I have been dating – excuse me, courting – for the last year or so, and it’s been utterly wonderful. Thanks to her, I wake up every morning feeling almost invincible, and it’s… I never knew a relationship could be so fulfilling. I dare say, I don’t know how I’d have made it through these past few seasons without her constant support. The morning the story about you broke, poor Twilight had to spend the whole day dealing with my fits of sobbing and absolute rage directed towards Miss Bright Lights. If not for Twilight, there’d quite possibly be one less pony in Equestria.”

        I smiled at the image of Rarity tracking down Bright Lights and doing… very un-generous things to her. “You know I wasn’t who your sister was talking about, right?” Bright Lights said from opposite Rarity. I closed my eyes and ignored her away. I didn’t need to listen to that. What did she even know, anyways?

        “Are you alright?” Rarity asked as I kept my eyes shut, willing Bright Lights away with every fiber of my being. She wasn’t about to ruin my reunion with my big sister.

        “I’m fine,” I said, reopening my eyes and seeing that Bright Lights had gone back to the little corner in the back of my brain she called home. “Just…” I pointed a hoof at my head. “You know, crazy issues.”

        She patted my mane. “Now, Sweetie, you’re not crazy. You have some… issues, certainly, but you’re still here and your wits still seem about you, you just have some health issues.” Like having hallucinations talk to me.

        “Thanks,” I said, trying to give her a smile. “So… are you living in her castle? Dating a princess sounds pretty fun.”

        “You know, her princesshood has been… a very small factor in our relationship. I think I might prefer things if she was just a librarian and I a dressmaker,” she laughed. “And that’s a sentence I never imagined myself saying. Still, I do enjoy the perks of dating a princess, like being able to take a several-month vacation and stay in the finest hotel in Manehattan. The ability to be there for you when you need me makes it worth it, I suppose.”

        “Come on,” I said, my fake smile turning real. “I bet there are a few more things you like about dating a princess. You are still my sister, aren’t you?”

        She blinked and took a moment to nod. “Yes… Yes, I am, of course, and I suppose there are a few other perks to the position. Ooh, the lessened workload is rather nice, although I suppose that’s not really a direct result of dating a princess. The nobles bowing to me, now that’s nice. Maybe a bit petty, but seeing Jet Set and Upper Crust pay their respects to me after so thoroughly disparaging my work creates a feeling of… what’s the Germane word? Schadenfreude? I believe that’s what Twilight called it.” Her eyes lit up. “Ooh, Sweetie, you won’t believe how much Ponyville has changed these last few years. It’s turned into quite the little metropolis, with a fresh ring of buildings surrounding Old Town.” She frowned and cocked her head. “Applejack isn’t too pleased about the town encroaching on her farm, and more ponies grumble about monopolies with every cider season, but beyond that… Yes, when you come back to Ponyville, I’ll have to give you the grand tour.”

        “Wait, what makes you think I’m coming back to Ponyville?” I asked. “I’m not even out of the hospital yet, and you’re already acting like you know exactly what I’m going to do? What if I want to stay in Manehattan?”

        “Well, you’re free to do what you want, and of course, I’ll support you, I just thought you might like to spend some time away from this city considering everything that’s happened. Ponyville has a rapidly growing music scene these days, and you’d be a welcome addition to it. If you have other plans… You’re a grown mare, now, you don’t have to listen to me.”

        And instantly, I went from anger to feeling terrible. Of course she wanted what was best for me, she was my sister. When did I start getting angry every time somepony disagreed with me?

        About three years ago.

        Oh, right. Yeah… Oh, Sweetie, you’re so smart and perfect, you shouldn’t listen to what anypony else says and just do what you want. I’ll even help you as long as you do what I want. How did I ever fall for that? I bounced my head against the pillow a few times. Maybe when I was better, Rarity and I could go on a trip to hunt down Bright Lights and do… not kill her, but definitely do something unpleasant. You know, to balance out for her ruining the last three years of my life.

        Somepony laughed next to me. “I didn’t do anything, Sweetie. I showed you the path, but you were all too happy to lead yourself down it.” Great, and now Bright Lights was back. I closed my eyes again. 

        “One minute,” I said to my sister, “I just have to get rid of one of my hallucinations real fast. Everything’s fine, though.” There was no response, but I could practically hear her say something about how if everything was fine, I wouldn’t be having hallucinations in the first place, which… yeah. That’s true. Still, things were as fine as they could be.

        “I’ll leave to give you this little moment, but just remember, Sweetie. Every little failing, every weakness that brought you down so low, that’s on you. I just… enabled you. You wanted Joy, I got you Joy. I never forced you to do anything,” Bright Lights said as I felt her go back into my head.

        “Right, she’s gone. You know, the absolute worst part about all this is I have a version of Bright Lights in my head that just won’t be quiet. You’d think I wouldn’t have to deal with her after she left me, but... “ I laughed and shook my head. “At least I’m getting kind of good at banishing her for a few minutes.” Maybe. Or maybe she just chooses to disappear for a few minutes. I’d need to talk with Princess Luna about that.

        “You’ll forgive me if I’m less than enthused about that,” Rarity said, her voice freezing. She wasn’t mad at me. She wasn’t mad at me. She wasn’t mad at me. Just mad. Because of things I’d done. If she doesn’t hate you, she should.

        “Yeah,” I said, frowning and looking away from my sister. “Sorry, I… I shouldn’t have–”

        “Nonsense,” Rarity said. “I’m glad you’re sharing things with me, I just wish… Well, I wish things hadn’t gone so terribly. I wish you had never met Bright Lights, but I’m not upset with you, and I’m glad you’re telling me all this. Twilight and Princess Luna said communication is key in your recovery, and I happen to agree, so if you have anything on your mind, just say it and I’ll listen without judgment.”

        “Great,” I said before chewing on my cheek. “Do you think… Do you think we can stop talking about what happened to me for–” Ever. “For at least a little while?” I sighed and my head sunk deeper into the pillow. “It’s bad enough I’m stuck in this hospital bed, so it would be nice if we could talk about things outside it.”

        “As you wish,” Rarity said, giving a smile. She hmmed for a few seconds, thinking. “Well, I could always tell you about– Ooh! Yes, I know. Did you hear Applejack and Rainbow Dash got married? It was fall of last year, they had it set for the conclusion of the harvest season, because otherwise Applejack would be far too stressed out, and Sweetie, it was an absolutely massive wedding. I think every Apple in Equestria showed up for it.” She closed her eyes for a second. “It’s a good thing they’re both brides, otherwise the groom’s party would have been completely eclipsed.”

        My lips turned up as my eyes drifted to stare at the ceiling. “How’s Rainbow Dash liking being an Apple?”

        “She’s taken to it quite well,” Rarity said. “Oh yes, when she’s not on weather duty or practicing, she’s always helping Applejack with whatever needs doing.”

        “So… she’s never on the farm,” I said, laughing. “Unless she’s really cut down on her practicing hours.”

        “Actually, she has,” Rarity said. “It seems she found something more important to her than being a Wonderbolt. Or at least, as important.”

        “And what’s that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

        “Why, unlimited access to Apple Family Cider,” Rarity said. “Their own private label, even. Do you know her first choice of honeymoon location was the family’s traditional cider distillery?”

        “You know, I don’t think I liked alcohol that much, and I… I liked it a lot,” I said. Like. Liked. What’s the difference?

        “No,” Rarity said, still smiling. It was the first time anypony’d talked about what happened to me without getting that look in their eye. “Maybe it’s time we consider an intervention for Equestria’s newest Apple. What do you think, Sweetie?”

        “If it gets me out of this hospital, I’m pretty much up for anything.” We both laughed at that, and the smiling didn’t stop until some time after Celestia rose the sun.
> 4. Beyond the Pleasure Principle
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        I thunked my head against the table and did my best to carve a groove in it with my horn. “Can I please go home? If I have to spend any more time in this hospital, I’ll go crazy… Crazier.”

        “That’s what we’re all working towards, Sweetie,” Doctor Hooves said as I heard the sound of him shuffling papers. “I think we’ve made tremendous progress over the last few weeks, but…”

        “You don’t want to jeopardize my recovery,” I said, glad he couldn’t see me rolling my eyes. “But I need to get out of here. To feel the sun on my coat, feel the wind in my face, to be somewhere that isn’t this stupid hospital. Look, I’m going to be released into either my sister or Scootaloo’s custody, so if one of them are going to be looking over me all the time anyways, what’s the problem? You’ll still be stopping by to do therapy stuff, I’ll still have a guardian to make sure I don’t relapse, Princess Luna will still be keeping an eye on my dreams.” And training me, but I wasn’t supposed to mention that. “The only thing that’ll change is that I won’t be stuck in a hospital anymore.” Instead, I’d be stuck in an apartment. “Please?”

        I looked up at him, pleading for any kind of mercy while he made scratchings in his folder. I’d learned a while ago that most of his writings were less notes and more ramblings that looked like notes to buy time while he thought of something to say. “We’d have to implement a few safety precautions, to minimize any risk to yourself, but...” I shuddered as my mind summoned the image of a window cracking and a mare falling. “But if all could be done, I’d have no problem releasing you into your sister’s custody.” He smiled at me. “I’ll make my recommendations to Princesses Luna and Twilight, and we’ll proceed from there. Now, have you given any thought to what we discussed yesterday?”

        “There isn’t much to do here besides think,” I said, frowning as I recalled yesterday’s session. It was about my parents.

        “And?”

        “And I guess there might be a connection between the way my parents…” Abandoned you. “Spent most of their time vacationing, and my fear that my friends would leave me, but I don’t like it.”

        “Why is that?” he asked, making actual notes this time. We’d spent so much time together, I could tell the difference between fake notes and real notes.

        “Because they’re my parents. I can’t… I can’t just say they were awful. Sure, they maybe weren’t around much, but I always had stuff. They got me big Hearth’s Warming and birthday gifts, and I never… They didn’t starve me. I had whatever stuff I wanted,” I said, drawing away from him. I couldn’t hate them. They were my parents. You don’t hate your parents.

        “And historically, how has substituting things for emotional connections worked out for you?” he asked. I winced. “What if that habit of giving you things instead of actual affection laid the groundwork for your dependence on drugs and alcohol?”

        “That could be… maybe,” I mumbled, looking back down at the table. “But I still really liked my friendships. It took years for me to… There were a few years where things were fine, and then kind of suddenly they weren’t fine, and I really needed something to keep me happy. At least, that’s what it feels like.”

        “Exactly right,” he said. “Now, might I be allowed to voice a theory?” I nodded. “Excellent. So, you developed some very wonderful and meaningful friendships with Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and to a lesser degree, the rest of your friends – but when those relationships became strained, you started relying on other things to give you a sense of fulfillment. Your thoughts?”

        I traced my tongue over my teeth and stared off into nothing for some eternal seconds. “That… It makes sense. It fits. My friends said they planned on leaving Ponyville, and a few weeks later, things had gotten… bad. I don’t know, though. It didn’t feel like that.”

        “Of course, it wouldn’t,” Doctor Hooves said. “I highly doubt you were conscious of most of it; in fact, I’d wager you spent a great deal of time not thinking about your problems. But when your friendships showed some cracks in them, you pulled away from them, and relied on something that couldn’t leave you.”

        “Until she did,” I said, banishing the spectre of Bright Lights before she could fully form. At least I’d gotten kind of good at dealing with her. Just will the hallucinations away and they vanish.

        Sweetie, you can’t will me away. I’m a part of you. I’m core to your very being. Without me, you might forgive yourself, and we both know we can’t have that. Otherwise, you’ll make the same mistakes again.

        I growled. She wasn’t wrong though, was she? If I was happy like I was before, I could make the same mistakes. She kept me from relapsing.

        And you finally admit you need me. I love you too, Sweetie. Still, it would be nice to have more Rarity hallucinations. She wasn’t anywhere near as judgmental.

        “Sweetie?”

        “Sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “Just thinking to myself. Do you think… Can I ask you a question?” I’d asked it before, but I had to ask it again. Again and again until he gave the right answer. Until he stopped lying.

        “You know you can,” he said, frowning, “and I think you know what I’m going to say.”

        “Alright.” I took a deep breath. “Do you think… Do you think I deserve to be punished? I mean… after all the terrible stuff I did, everyone’s just forgiven me like it’s nothing, but it’s not nothing. I hurt them. I hurt the ponies who cared about me the most, and now they’ve just… They’re doing everything they can to help me. Why don’t they hate me?” Like I hate me.

        “You answered your own question, Sweetie,” he said. And here we go, it’s all about how, “Because they care about you, they forgave you.” Why did I even ask, I knew he was going to say that. Couldn’t somepony just hate me for what I’d done. I guess the papers hated me plenty, but they only knew Bright Lights’ story. They didn’t know the real reasons.  Oh! And Bright Lights hated me. Maybe. “I take it you’re still having trouble forgiving yourself?”

        “I can’t,” I said, shaking my head. “Somepony has to make sure I don’t.... Somepony needs to remind me about all the things I’ve done wrong so I don’t do them again.” I smiled. “But… I don’t completely hate me. I don’t want you to think I’m miserable all the time or something. I like talking with Rarity and Scootaloo and you.” And Luna. “I just can’t let myself forget what I did. I don’t want to go back to that penthouse.”

        “Well, you know my thoughts on the issue. I’ve told you to forgive yourself… I don’t know how many times I’ve told you that, and something tells me this won’t be the last time I say it, but you can’t keep condemning yourself for what happened,” he said. “You did something destructive, but that decision didn’t occur in a vacuum. You were primed to make that decision,” he said. “Yes, you shouldn’t forget what you did – vigilance is important, after all – but you can forgive yourself. It’s okay to be happy.” Because the last time I’d been happy worked out so great. I only lost all my friends and almost died.

        “Sure,” I said, trying not to sound too dismissive. “I’ll keep that in mind the next time I look through the newspaper or have a panic attack while trying to sing.” Oh, that was really fun! I couldn’t do my special talent, because stupid Bright Lights had ruined it. Every time I tried, I’d remember how she’d make me sing for her. Make me practice a song until I was hoarse and then cast a restorative spell on me so I could keep singing.

        I was back in the penthouse, standing next to the piano Bright Lights was playing, phantom Joy running through my veins. She wasn’t as good a player as Melody, but she didn’t like it when I brought that up. She didn’t like it when I mentioned the Before at all. Before the penthouse. Before she made me happy. She said thinking about that me thinking about that dark time in my life made her sad. She said she made me so happy, it was the least I could do to fulfill her little requests. “Please… my throat hurts,” I said, moving a hoof to try and massage it.

        “Sweetie, practice is key,” she said, her horn lighting up as I felt the soothing heat pour down my throat like hot wax. “Now, if you’re a good girl, I’ll throw one of those parties you like so much. Don’t you want that?”

        I nodded, smiling at her through glassy eyes as the latest round of pills kicked in. What did she give me this time? She never told me. Just said it was what I needed. “Don’t you want to be my good little filly?”

        A moan as I nodded. Good fillies got what they wanted. They got spoiled. Bad fillies had their fun privileges revoked. “Good, Sweetie,” she said, turning back to the piano as the last ache in my throat vanished. “Again.”

        “Sweetie?” I was back in the hospital, shaking off the phantom high. How was it that I could go back into my memories and not even realize it until the dream was over? I’d need to talk to Princess Luna about that.

        “I’m fine,” I said, ignoring the lingering warmth from the memory. “Just…”

        “Another one of your flashbacks?” Doctor Hooves asked. He knew the answer, but he still had to ask.

        “Yeah, this one wasn’t too bad. I don’t think it lasted more than a few seconds,” I said, taking a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart. Stupid flashbacks, making me feel all weird. How long has it been since you’ve been kissed? Isn’t your body burning for another’s touch, yet?

        She… I had a point, this was probably the longest I’d gone without kissing somepony in years. Not that I deserved kisses. But you want them. “I see,” Doctor Hooves said, nodding. “Have your flashbacks been getting more or less frequent since we started the new treatment?”

        “Less,” I said, nodding. “I’m down to one every couple of days now.” Now, if Princess Luna could just tell me how to get rid of them, I’d be fine. Well… when it came to one thing, I would be.

        “And what was this flashback about?” he asked, his notebook now directly in front of him and pen grasped in hoof. Time for actual writing.

        “It was… another memory of the penthouse. Uhmm… Bright Lights was forcing me to practice for some show. My throat was hurting, but she helped take the pain away and promised me that if I was good, she’d give me a treat.” Well, that didn’t sound completely awful. Just mostly awful.

        “All I wanted was what was best for you, and look how that–” I banished Bright Lights away before she could finish her thought. I’d heard it before.

        “I see,” he said, making another note. “You know, the way she treated you, it seems almost… maternal. Abusive, certainly, but she tried to fill a role as your guardian and provider. The catch was, to fill that role, she had to completely infantilize you.”

        Be my good little filly, Sweetie.

        I wanted to vomit. That was it, wasn’t it? She tried to turn me into a completely-dependent child, and… for what? And I just drank it up like a milkshake. A bad mother’s better than no mother at all. At least this way, you had somepony looking out for you.

        “Do you… do you think maybe my real Mom being gone all the time might have made me more likely to listen to her?” I asked, biting my cheek. Please say no.

        “It seems likely. She offered you something you couldn’t find anywhere else, and with seemingly no strings attached. She gave you something that felt like safety and unconditional acceptance, and proved herself dedicated to giving you what you wanted. It was only after she’d completely removed you from the rest of your support network that she started making demands,” he said. He opened his mouth to say something else, but before he could, a knock came from the door.

        “Oh dear,” Rarity said, sticking her head into the room and frowning. “Am I too early, if you need some time to finish up, I can–”

        “Nonsense,” Doctor Hooves said, closing his notebook and folder. “I think we reached a rather excellent stopping point for today, and I’m sure Sweetie will appreciate having somepony fun to talk with for a while. I doubt our conversations are all that entertaining for her.” He tapped a hoof. “Oh, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to talk with you and Princess Twilight this evening about releasing Sweetie into your custody.”

        Rarity tilted her head. “Really?” she asked, smiling at the doctor. “That’s wonderful news. Anything else you discussed today that I should know about?”

        “Not really,” I said, shaking my head. “We were just talking about how not having my parents around when I was younger might have messed me up.”

        “Oh?” Rarity said, her body suddenly going stiff. “Are there any specific examples you care to share?”

        “That’s completely up to Sweetie,” Doctor Hooves said, putting his things in his saddlebag and trotting to the door. “And remember, Sweetie, you don’t have to say anything about our sessions unless you want to. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

        “See you,” I said, waving a hoof at him. “And I know, but she’s the best big sister in the world. Why wouldn’t I talk about our sessions with her?”

        Rarity smiled at that. “And I’m honored to have your confidence, Sweetie, but the doctor is absolutely right. If you don’t want to talk with me about something, you shouldn’t feel compelled to.”

        I got up from my spot at the table and wrapped my forehooves around my sister. For the last few weeks, I’d been doing my best to make up for three years of lost hugs with Rarity. She didn’t seem to mind. “It’s fine. It’s not like we talk about you during our sessions except for when I’m talking about how great a big sister you are and how awful I was to you.” I half-smiled half-frowned at that. Smiled for her, frowned for me. “No, we were just talking about how maybe because Mom was never around that maybe that was why I fell for Bright Lights so hard when she started taking on this weird mothering role.”

        Her eyes watered up and she recoiled from me. What did I do wrong? This… It wasn’t great news, but it wasn’t like me having a mom who was never around (but not bad, she still provided for me) was her fault. “I… I…” Rarity stammered before closing her eyes. “Yes, I could see how you having a mother so distant could… I can see how not having a mother around might draw you towards a pony willing to nurture and spoil you.”

        My eyes stung. I’d made my sister cry. Why? Something must be wrong. Maybe… What did I do wrong? “I’m sorry,” I said, drawing away and mumbling into the ground. “I… I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m sorry. Are you mad at me?”

        She smiled as she worked to keep tears falling from her eyes. “Never, you just… brought up an unpleasant memory. You know, I’m no longer on speaking terms with Mother and Father because of a… disagreement we had about you. They thought you were fine, I begged to differ. No, don’t blame yourself for my silly sentimentality, Sweetie.”

        “Okay,” I said, nodding slowly and trying to look convincing. Something was wrong with her, and she didn’t want to tell me. Probably because she didn’t want to ‘risk my recovery.’ I already hated that phrase, and something told me I was going to hate it a lot more by the time everything was over. “So… when was the last time you went home? I mean to wherever you’re staying in Manehattan. Not Ponyville.”

        She tilted her head. “What do you mean, Sweetie? I go home every night.”

        I rolled my eyes. “You’re here all the time. Either giving my medicine or checking up on me. I’ve seen you do room checks on me in the middle of the night when I’m trying to sleep.”

        “Oh, yes, that, well… some nights I stay here a bit too late, and the hospital staff are gracious enough to let me use one of the on-call rooms on this floor; that way, I can sleep in a little later before checking on you in the morning,” she said, smiling as she took a seat at my table. Behind her, the sun sat, shining and taunting me. How great would it be to feel its heat against my coat again?

        “They have actual nurses to do that stuff,” I said, taking a seat across from her and getting a good view of the world outside my window. A world of light and cheer. “You don’t need to be here all the time for me.”

        “But I do,” Rarity said, smile fading as she stared at me. “I have so much to make up for, Sweetie. After so many hours spent fretting and worrying about you, and unable to do anything to help you, the fact that I can just be here now, makes me feel worlds better. Besides, Twilight makes sure I spend at least a few nights at our suite every week.” She smiled at that, and I didn’t need any imagination to figure out just how those nights went. “Still, I will be happy to get out of this hospital as soon as Doctor Hooves allows you to leave.”

        “Yeah, me too,” I said. “Do you think… what are we going to do first?” I trotted over to press my eyes against the glass and take in every detail of the city. The familiar skyline, the ponies bustling on the streets below and going about their business, a steamer going up the Studson River… There were so many things I wanted to do and see. Things Bright Lights had said we’d do on the long train ride from Ponyville.

        “Sweetie, calm down,” she said as I bounced around our cabin on the train, face pressed against the glass as Joy sang in my veins and filled my head with exalted music. Outside, the world beat in time with my pulse.

“There’sStatueofHarmony,StallionIslandFerry,Co-opCity,Katz’sandTiffany’s,CentralPark, HooflynBridge,EquestriaStatewhereCadancelived,PoneyIslandandTime–”

“Yes, we’ll do it all,” Bright Lights said, stomping a hoof on the table. “But…” She floated a bottle of pills out of her saddlebags and set them on the table. “Here, why don’t you take these. It’ll make the train ride go faster so we can get to Manehattan and start doing everything you want sooner.”

“What’sit?” I asked, grabbing the bottle with my magic and floating it up to my eyes. “Tranquility?NotJoy?” I threw the bottle back at her. “Joy’sbetter.”

She smiled and grabbed the bottle with her magic before it could hit her. “Just take one. Have I ever steered you wrong before?”

“NobutIlovethisfeeling,Joypulsesthroughme.WaybetterthanTranquility,Tranquility’sdumbandsleepy,” I said, frowning as she floated a pill out of the bottle and brought it to my lips.

“You’ll have plenty more Joy, Sweetie, I just want to expand your horizons. There are so many different ways you can feel good, why limit yourself to just one pill. You don’t want to burn out on Joy, do you?” she said, pushing the pill against my lips. They yielded. “Good girl,” she said, bringing up a water bottle for me. “Now drink this to wash it down.”

I shook my head as the scene dissolved back into the hospital room. Maybe the flashbacks were a bit more frequent than I’d told the doctor, but I didn’t want him to worry. They were getting shorter at least. “Sorry,” I said, smiling at my sister. “Mind just went somewhere else. But… yeah, there are still a lot of things I want to do in Manehattan.”

“Really?” Rarity asked, raising an eyebrow. “I would’ve thought you would have–”

“Nope,” I said. “Bright Lights didn’t like me leaving the house. She said it wasn’t safe for me to wander the streets of Manehattan while I was high, and… Well, she made sure I was high all the time. Not that I put up much resistance.”

“Yes… do you think it would be possible for us to speak on slightly cheerier topics,” Rarity said. I couldn’t see her face, but I could feel her body tense up next to mine. “If I hear much more about Miss Bright Lights, I don’t know what I’ll do.” She managed to make her sigh sound like a growl. “So… have you visited the Statue of Harmony?”

I shook my head.

“Well, what about Poney Island? I can’t imagine any force of nature keeping you from one of Equestria’s premiere amusement parks,” Rarity said. I pulled myself away from the window to see her staring at me, head cocked.

“Apparently Bright Lights could,” I said, frowning. “Do you think… I don’t know, I’d really like to go with you.”

“Yes, that sounds like a wonderful excursion for the four of us,” Rarity said, smiling. Me, her, Scootaloo, and Twilight I guess. “Although I think two of our party might have to go incognito.” Right. The papers were still talking about me. It might not be front page news anymore, but I was still there, the corruptor of Equestrian youth. I was Equestrian youth. Not some monster like in the stories. 

“You think I’ll ever not be in the news?” I asked, trotting away from the window to throw myself on the bed in frustration. What? After a few years performing on stage, doing things dramatically kind of just gets ingrained. “It’s so dumb. I completely regret everything I did, and I almost died.” I shivered. “I almost died…” I paused, struggling to think beyond the word. I almost died. “And now that I’m getting better, everypony hates me.” Like they should.

I ignored the voice in the back of my head and focused on my sister. “It’s just…” I tried to recall the byline on most of the articles about me. “Why does Write Thinking hate me so much? I never did anything to her.”

Rarity tsked as she trotted to sit next to me on my bed. I scooted over to give her a space. “Well, Sweetie, everypony…” She paused. “Everypony has their own code, you understand? Their own values. I’m sure if we went down the list of our beliefs, there’d be more than a few differences.” I opened my mouth to disagree, but she cut me off. “You know I’m right. I value discretion and subtlety a bit more than you do, I think. It’s fine that we have these differences in opinion, though. We still love each other. Are you with me so far?”

I nodded and scooted back against my pillows. “I guess, but that doesn’t explain her,” I said. “We disagree on stuff, but we still love each other. She disagrees with me and writes nasty stories about me.” Well, so did a few other ponies, but she wrote the most.

They’re going to hate you anyways, so why not enjoy yourself? I’m sure there’s some Joy in your penthouse still. They couldn’t have found all our stashes.

I growled as the dull hunger flared back to life in me, reminding me how grey the world was without Joy and Tranquility and all the other things Bright Lights gave me to keep me happy. I sat up and rubbed my head, screwing my eyes shut as I tried to think of anything else. We could talk about stupid Write Thinking later. “Did you bring any board games today?”

The weight on my bed shifted as Rarity got off and moved to her saddlebags next to the door. “I most certainly did, Sweetie. But to answer your question, some ponies are…” She paused as she pulled a copy of Ponydemic out of her saddlebags. “Now, I must be careful here so I don’t step my hoof in it, but… Well, some ponies are so completely devoted to their worldview that they fail to see the dissenting opinion. You remember how you were when you were in the depths of your ‘happiness’ phase, right?”

My ears flattened against my skull at the memories. “I’ll take that as a yes,” Rarity said. “To give a more positive example, Twilight can’t imagine a life without her friends. To her, friendship is as fundamental an aspect of living as breathing.” She smiled and looked off out the window. Seeing her so happy, I smiled too.

“Okay, so…” I trailed off as I pushed myself off the bed and trotted over to our table where Rarity was setting up the game.

“So, we’re almost there. Miss Write Thinking is… obsessed with spreading her puritanical worldview. Her column gives her a platform with thousands of readers, and she sees you as representative of everything wrong in Equestrian society,” Rarity said. “But I’m sure that given time, her eye will turn to other violations of propriety, and you’ll be allowed to live your life in peace.” She pulled out the card deck and game board, a stylized map of Equestria with trails linking the cities together..

“Great, so I just hide until everypony forgets about me?” I asked, failing to keep the irritation out of my voice. If I was going to be hated no matter what, why even bother trying to be good?

Because some ponies would do anything to see you healthy again, Princess Luna’s voice said. At least it wasn’t Bright Lights this time. Don’t betray the love they hold in their hearts for you. I looked at Rarity. She’d been here every day since I first woke up. Same with Scootaloo, both doing everything they could to help me. Those were two pretty good reasons.

“No, no, I’m sure once you’re better, we can start a PR campaign to show how much you’ve changed. Nothing defangs a boogeymare faster than showing her smiling face. Once they see you as a mare who made a few bad mistakes and is trying to atone, I’m sure most of the hatred will dissipate.”

“I really wish I’d just bucked Bright Lights right in the face, the moment she said hi to me,” I said, flipping the board so the west coast and Las Pegasus was closest to me.

Rarity smiled. “Welcome to adulthood, Sweetie Belle. I think everypony has at least one thing they did in their youth that they regret intensely. I do, Scootaloo does, Twilight does, the Princesses both do… I don’t think Pinkie does, but I suppose she’s the exception that proves the rule.”

        “You know, she used to think I was like her,” I said, as I shuffled the cards with my magic. “Well, I was in a few ways, but she used to think I had a connection to her element. Like I could be a future Laughter.” I snorted. “I guess I ruined that.”

        My sister tilted her head. “Not necessarily, Sweetie. You know, Twilight is of the belief that each bearer is connected to the Element they once had the most trouble with.” I frowned at that, begging her to explain while she put the pieces on the board. “Yes, well, for instance, when I was younger, I struggled to master my selfishness. Twilight was only interested in studying to be a magical prodigy, and had no time for or interest in friendships. And so on. We weren’t born as paragons of our Element, we had to earn that title. You can’t know the true value of generosity without first knowing selfishness. Does that make sense?”

        “I guess,” I said, nodding my head while my sister dealt me four cards. “So what’s my virtue?” You don’t have one.

        “I can’t answer that,” she said, floating the seven role cards over to me, spread out in a fan facing down. “You have to figure out for yourself. Now pick one.”

        I eyed the seven cards. Anything but the dispatcher. Every time I played as them, we all died. I drew second from the left and… dispatcher. I winced. Maybe this time our luck would change.


♪♪♪


        Cowro and Istanbull had fallen, everypony was dead, and it was all my fault. I flung the dispatcher card over to Rarity and thunked my head down on the table. “Can we just remove her from the role deck? She’s basically a ‘We Lose’ card.”

        “Nonsense,” Rarity said, taking the card with her magic and reading it. “It might not have the same… obvious utility of the medic, but with a subtle hoof, I can see how she’d be powerful in her own right. For instance, when I was trying to fight the black plague in Griffonstone, you could have teleported to me and moved to remove disease from Istanbull instead of fighting the blue flu in Las Pegasus.”

        “But we were so close to wiping it out,” I groaned. “There was just that one little cube in Ponyville left, and we would have completely eradicated it.”

        “True,” Rarity said, taking up all the cards and reshuffling both stacks simultaneously. “But Cowro and Istanbull both had three black cubes on them. If we could have dealt with one of them, we wouldn’t have had to worry about a chain reaction. Blue would have lasted for a few more turns.”

        “It’s the dispatcher’s fault,” I said, helping her clean the board. “But… maybe I could have focused on more than just one thing.”

        “Well,” she said, dealing me four more cards. “We could always play another round. Four epidemics or five?”

        “Four, please.” I said, glancing at the clock. Just past noon. She usually got here around now. “Do you think we can wait until Scootaloo gets here before starting the next game?”

        “Of course,” Rarity said, smiling at me. We both turned to look at the door, expecting her to walk through the door on cue. In Ponyville, she probably would have. Instead, the seconds ticked by and nopony came into my room at all. 

        “Huh, maybe she slept in extra late today,” I said, turning back to my sister. Scootaloo had been cashing in all her vacation and sick days since I’d gotten to the hospital despite my protests. I wasn’t worth her job.

        “Yeah, but I’ve literally got a letter signed by two princesses saying I can take as much time off as I need,” a hallucinatory Scootaloo said, suddenly standing next to me. She tilted closer to me and I could feel an imaginary heat coming off her. “We can spend as much time together as you want.”

        I shut my eyes. No, we weren’t doing that. We were… Yes, I wanted to date Scootaloo eventually, but not now. Not after… I couldn’t think of her like that right now. After all, we wouldn’t want to ‘jeopardize my recovery.’

        “So wait, you do want to date me or don’t you?” Scootaloo asked, tilting her head and leaning closer to me, bringing her lips just inches from mine. “Because it sounds like you want both of us to forget about you recovering and get to doing what feels good.”

        No, I didn’t. I mean, I did eventually, but we’d all agreed that after what I’d been through, hopping into another relationship would be bad, even if it was with my best friend who’d totally do anything for me. If she’d just said yes… Sweetie, you know we’re right on this issue, Luna’s voice rang in my head. We were just having an imaginary party today, weren’t we?

        “Yes, okay, you’re right, I do want to date you, but I also don’t want to date anypony right now. But if I was going to date anypony, it’d be you,” I said. Rarity just stared at me with an eyebrow raised.

        “For once, I actually hope you were having another one of your hallucinatory fits,” she said, giving me a tiny smile.

        “You totally want to date,” Scootaloo said, sounding very un-Scootaloo like. “I’m in your head, I know how much you’re dying to feel my lips on you.” She started to twist and bubble, coat going blue and her wings falling off as a horn sprouted from her head. 

“How long has it been since you felt somepony pressed tight against you, had their warmth fill you, had their breath flowing into you? Too long, I think. Just surrender, give in to your impulses, Sweetie,” the transformed Bright Lights said with Scootaloo’s voice. “I know you want me, and if you apply just the teensiest pressure, I’m sure I’ll crack. How long have I been holding the torch for you? Three? Four years? I bet I burn hotter than you, and I know how every fiber of your being can burn, begging to be sated.”

“See, this is why you can’t rush back into a relationship,” Rarity said, staring at me. Was I talking out loud or had I hallucinated her too? Had I just spent an hour playing an imaginary board game and talking to myself?

“Ooh, I think her mind is finally cracking,” Bright Lights said, climbing outside herself, and leaving a shell that was a mix of her and Scootaloo behind. “We’re all here together, and she can’t keep us straight.”

“You see now the folly of turning to drugs, I hope,” Princess Luna said, flying over me. I slammed my eyes shut, trying desperately to drown them all out. 

“Come on, she’s hopeless,” my voice said from somewhere far away. What was happening to me? I hadn’t had a hallucination this bad since the penthouse. What did Luna say? Discipline your mind. Control your impulses. I slowed my breathing and thought of–

“Can you really control your impulses around me?” Scootalight asked. “You want me. You lay in bed at night just imagining how great we’ll be together, how I’ll feel pressing down on you. And you know I want you. Why else would I spend three years waiting for you to fall to pieces? So I could put you back together next to me.”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” I shouted, bringing my head against the table and pressing my hooves against my ears. “Just… I know I’m bad. I know I messed up. You’re all completely right, so can you please just leave me alone?”

The only sound in the room was hooves clicking on linoleum, and then I felt a hoof brushing through my mane. “It’s alright, Sweetie, they’re all gone, it’s just me here. Everything’s fine. I opened one eye to see my sister smiling town at me, tears struggling to stay in her eyes. “Maybe the board game was a bit too much for you right now.”

I sat back up and shook my head. “No, it’s fine… I just started thinking about Scootaloo, and… I don’t know what happened. I thought about dating her, but then everypony was talking in my head and telling me different things, and…” I sniffed. So I could put you back together next to me. That… that wasn’t why she was being nice to me. She loved me. 

“Of course, I love you,” Scootaloo said, walking through the door. “I love you so much, I don’t want to see you run off and ruin your life again. You’ll be happier next to me.”

“Stop it,” I yelled, slamming the door on her. Instead of passing harmlessly through her or breaking her up, it slammed against her with a heavy thunk. Oh no. “I’m so sorry,” I said, running towards the real Scootaloo and throwing my forehooves around her. “I’m so so sorry, I thought you were another one of them, and I just want them to stop bothering me. Bright Lights, she… she stole your voice. Tried to make you sound just like her.” I buried my tears in her coat. Mhmm, yes, feel her heat for you. She savors your every touch, wants to devour it.

I pulled away and staggered back, collapsing against the wall. I couldn’t touch her. I couldn’t touch her. That’s how dumb fillies ruin everything. I couldn’t touch her. “Sorry,” I mumbled. I needed to talk to Luna, she’d know what was happening. Just had to get to tonight. That’s all. I can do that. I’d made it to tons of nights. In fact, I’d never not made it to a tonight. “I’m… today’s been kind of rough for some reason.”

Scootaloo and Rarity looked at each other and Rarity just gave a nod. “It’s fine,” Scootaloo said, trotting towards me and offering a hoof up. I recoiled from it and tried not to notice the look in her eyes. “I’ve taken way worse beatings. You remember the first time I wrecked a scooter, right?”

“You mean my scooter?” I asked, getting to my hooves as two tiny hooks pulled my lips up. “Yeah, I remember. I thought when I gave it to you, it would last longer than a week.” We’d both decided not to talk about how I flinched from her touch. I could live with that for now. “So… everypony up for a round of Ponydemic?” I asked, giving my best smile.

“Are you sure you’re up for that?” Rarity asked. “I understand if you just want to spend some time resting in bed. We don’t want to overstimulate your mind in your condition.” No. No. No. No more sitting in bed doing nothing. No more watching the clock and listening to my thoughts. Not listening to the peanut gallery in my head was definitely better.

“I’m fine,” I said, taking the role deck and drawing a card. Medic. Yay. “I had a bad episode, but… it’s better now, and me sitting in bed doing nothing won’t help anyways.” I frowned. They didn’t want me be cheery and upbeat all the time. They wanted the truth, even when it wasn’t nice. “Honestly, it’s better if I’m up and doing something with you all instead of just being alone in bed… with my thoughts.”

“Thank you for sharing that, Sweetie,” Rarity said, smiling. It was the same practiced smile Celestia gave the few times I’d seen her. It wasn’t exactly false, but it wasn’t real either. “If playing games with us helps you, then that’s exactly what we’ll do.” She drew her card. “And it seems it’s my turn to play the dispatcher. Let’s see if I can put my bits where my mouth is.”

“Ooh,” Scootaloo said, flipping up her card so we could see it. “Operations expert. I’ve never played him before.” She paused to read the card text. “Cool, I can make some fun stuff happen with this.”

“Indeed,” Rarity said. “Between the two of us, I don’t think transportation will be the slightest problem this game, and with Sweetie, we can keep the infections from being too much of a problem.” She smiled at me. “Assuming you don’t get caught up on the blue flu again.”

“I won’t,” I said, as Rarity flipped over the first three infection cards. “I try not to make the same mistake more than once.”

There was a silence as I realized just what I’d said. Hopefully, that was true with more than just board games. “Anyways, Scootaloo, how was today? Or last night, I guess?”

“Fine,” she said. “I just watched a movie with my roommate, we caught dinner, and I went to bed.” That meant drinking. She hadn’t told me, but I wasn’t dumb. She’d mentioned going to a bar off-hoofedly a few times, when she got to talking to me like I was an old friend, and not like I was on the edge of completely collapsing. Listen to how bitter you’ve gotten. You didn’t used to sound like this. We used to be happy. We used to love our friends instead of resenting them for being nice to us.

I ignored the voice in my head, even though it was the worst out of all of them. It was my voice. My before voice. The voice Bright Lights took away. I sighed and drowned her in my head. “Sounds like fun,” I said. “I know you drink with friends, it’s fine, and talking about it won’t cause me to freak out,” I wanted to say. Instead I just asked what movie it was.

“Kingsmare,” Scootaloo said as Rarity finished setting up all the infections. “It was pretty fun. We should watch it when you get out.”

“Ooh, speaking of,” Rarity said. “Doctor Hooves wants to talk with Twilight and me about Sweetie’s release later tonight. You won’t mind keeping an eye on her while we do that, will you?” Keep an eye on me. Like I was a filly who couldn’t be left alone for a minute. 

You just said you preferred having ponies around to being alone. Of course they’re trying to make sure we don’t have to spend time alone.

Yeah, right. Right. They weren’t treating me like a filly. They just...  I took a deep breath. They just wanted what was best for me.

Scootaloo laughed, bringing me back to my sister and… best friend. “You really have to ask?”

“Well, it’s only proper,” Rarity said as we looked through our cards, each one having a city’s name and statistics. I had Canterlot, Stalliongrad, and Trottingham. “I’d hate to volunteer you for something when you have other plans.”

“Nope, I was planning on spending the whole day here, anyways,” Scootaloo said, shooting a glance at me. “Highest population goes first, right?” she asked, looking back at her cards.

“I’ve got Stalliongrad with almost two million,” I said, looking up. Not bad, but probably not going to win.

“Las Pegasus, two and a half million,” Scootaloo said. 

“And Neighjing with five million,” Rarity said. “Which I suppose makes my power absolutely useless this turn.” My sister sighed. “Well, I’ll go south and treat the infection at Mareami. I can clear that up at least.” She moved her marker and took two yellow cubes next to Mareami off the board. “That still gives me an extra move. Sweetie, would you like a trip to Neighjing so you can start fighting the infection on your turn?”

I nodded and a second later, my orange marker went across to the other side of the world, encased in my sister’s light blue magic. “Anyways, yeah, as long as Sweetie doesn’t mind being alone with me, I’m fine spending some time with her,” Scootaloo said. All eyes turned to me and something clenched in my chest.

Just say no. Say no. She’ll understand eventually. It’ll be better than staying alone with her, so close to you. Possibly inches from you. Burning for you. I shook my head, not sure whose voice was in my head. It would be smarter to say no. Sure, it might hurt her, but… like the voice said, she’d understand.

I nodded my head and smiled while Rarity drew her two cards. “Sounds like fun.”


♪♪♪


        Somehow, we managed to get through the game without dying, and Rarity managed to make the dispatcher almost as good as the medic. Almost. There were a few more games after that, but eventually Rarity had to leave, leaving me alone. Alone with Scootaloo, which at the moment was actually worse than just regular alone.

        “So,” I said, smiling and floating the cards over to me. “Another game?”

        “Sure,” Scootaloo said. “But while you shuffle, can we talk about what the heck happened earlier today?”

        “What do you mean?” I asked, frowning. I knew exactly what she meant, but… maybe if I pretended it didn’t, it would go away.

        “You flinched from me, Sweetie. I want to know why,” she said, resetting the tokens.

        “It’s nothing. You didn’t do anything, I just went a bit crazy in the head and reacted wrong. I’m fine now, though.” I shook my head, trying not to focus on how firm and toned her flank was. Bad Sweetie, we can’t have those thoughts right now, even if we really want to.

        “Yeah… no. You don’t get to play the ‘I’m crazy’ card around me, because you’re not. I’m going to guess you had some really messed up hallucinations where I did something bad. Is that right?”

        I shook my head. “Not really. Well, there were some really messed up hallucinations in them, but you didn’t do anything bad. You just tried to flirt with me.”

        “Got it, and you don’t want to do that stuff with me or my hallucination,” she said, a weird mix of relief and hurt in her eyes. No, I couldn’t be seeing that right. Why would she be relieved? She loved me, right?

        “No! I do, that was the problem. You… kept telling me how easy it would be to get you to do stuff with me, and I didn’t want to manipulate you like that. I didn’t want to turn you into Bright Lights.”

        She raised an eyebrow at that. “Okay, ignoring the idea that you could ever make me like Bright Lights, I think… I think your hallucination was feeding you a load of bull.”

        “What do you mean?” I asked, leaning forward and forgetting the game. Maybe she didn’t like me? Maybe she really couldn’t forgive me after everything I’d done? My eyes and cheeks got warm as I battled tears. Don’t start crying now.

        Scootaloo sighed and trotted to the door, bumping it shut with her flank. “Alright, you can’t tell anypony else this, okay?”

        I nodded, not sure where she the conversation was going. “I do love you. As a friend, definitely, and… Yeah, I want a relationship with you, but…” She took a deep breath. “I don’t really like mares.”

        What?! “Excuse me, did you just say you didn’t like mares immediately after saying you wanted to date me?”

        “Yeah,” she said, sitting down and rubbing her forehead. “It’s… I can’t make sense of it either. It’s like I want to do all the mushy romance stuff in all those sappy books. You know, talking about feelings and stuff. I want to do that with you, and I want to live with you, maybe even share a bed with you, but… I don’t want to have sex with you. Like, at all.”

        “Oh. Okay,” I said, voice flat. “So all this time I thought you wanted an actual relationship, you really just wanted a roommate. Got it.”

        “Sweetie, don’t be like that,” Scootaloo said. “I do want a relationship with you, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around all the sex stuff. Like, what would we even do?”

        My eyes lit up. “Ooh! There are so many things we could do! The most obvious thing is oral, magic’s great… like, really great – Seriously, you don’t know how fun it is. We should definitely do magic – but there are tons of other fun things we can use. A primary feather, silk, there are… tools, if you really want the stallion experience, but honestly, ew. Of course, all this is up to you, I won’t tie you down and force you to try something… unless you’d like that. Then I could totally tie you down... or up. Whatever direction you want. I have to say, I got pretty good at knot tying. Whatever you’re into, we can definitely work it in somehow, though.”

        Scootaloo just stared at me like I’d started talking Prench. Maybe I’d shared a bit too much. “Huh,” she said. “Well… that’s good to know, and… you know, I thought the papers were exaggerating the stuff that happened in the penthouse.”

        I shook my head. “From the few articles Rarity let me read, they definitely weren’t. Actually, I think they cut some details, although… You know, when you’re full of Joy and every other drug you can get your hooves on, some details might have gotten mixed. Nopony seems to remember that thing with the jazz singer but me.”

        “Okay,” Scootaloo said, taking a deep breath. “Right. That’s… I think I’m just going to stop reading the papers for a while.” She slumped and rubbed one of her eyes. “What were we even talking about?”

        “The fact that you don’t like mares,” I said, enthusiasm fading from my voice. “And I’m guessing nothing I said changed your mind.”

        She frowned and opened her mouth for a few seconds before closing it again. “I… some of it was definitely interesting, but… when I see a mare, I don’t think I feel the same thing you do when you see a mare. But at the same time… I really liked our kiss.”

        “So… you don’t get turned on by mares, but you still kind of want to date me except without doing all the really fun stuff?” I asked, tilting my head. “That’s… Why can’t you just like mares?”

        Scootaloo laughed. “Not every mare in Equestria is a fillyfooler,” she said. “Although… it definitely feels that way sometimes. Seriously, you, Apple Bloom, Rarity, Twilight, Melody, Diamond Tiara, Life Bloom, Applejack, Rainbow Dash . I was the only pony in our group who liked stallions.”

        “That’s not true,” I said. “I’m pretty sure that except for me, the ponies you mentioned are at least summer straights, and most are bi. I definitely remember one of the Blooms having a crush on Socket at some point, and Rarity talked about dating stallions.” 

        “Summer straights?” Scootaloo asked. Had nopony ever talked to her about this stuff? Geeze, she didn’t even know how two mares could be together.

        “Yeah, you know, it’s how a mare likes mares until she’s in heat when she suddenly becomes straight for a few weeks. Bright Lights was one, and it was totally gross,” I said, recalling the few weeks in summer where I had some freedom from her. Beyond making sure I had my drugs at the right time, I was mostly left on my own while she and a stallion did… whatever. At least she found a few mares for me to pass the time with, which… Wow, I couldn’t even remember their names.

        “See, Sweetie, I wasn’t so awful. I made sure you had what you needed,” Bright Lights said, her phantom popping up next to me. I rolled my eyes.

        You kept me so drugged up that I didn’t even know what day it was, and cut me off from everypony who cared about me. I’m pretty sure that makes you completely awful, I thought. Instead of responding, she just shrugged her shoulders and vanished. 

        “Got it,” Scootaloo said, tapping her hoof, another question forming in her head. “So… how many fillyfoolers are summer straights?”

        I snorted. “Way too many. I just… what do you even like about stallions? Mares are cute and neat and sweet, and stallions are all gross and dangly and… I can maybe see liking athletic types, like you’re super athletic and all lean muscle-ey, and I could probably just look at your flanks and back legs for hours, and why isn’t that good enough? Why do ponies think stallionishness is fun? I tried it once, and it was probably the worst thing I’ve ever done.” I paused as my own words sunk in. “The worst single thing I’ve done.”

        “It was that bad for you?” Scootaloo asked, a laugh barking from her throat. “Worse than all the drugs?”

        “At least the drugs felt good at the time, and you don’t know how gross all that…” I made an exaggerated gagging noise. “Was. It was like this rocking nauseating thing. The best part was when he said he was finished.”

        She glared. Were we fighting? Could we fight if we weren’t a couple a yet? If we didn’t work this out, could we even be a couple? “Actually, I do know how it feels, and it felt awesome. It was so powerful and forceful, and nothing feels like a nice ha–” I gagged, cutting her off. 

        “Please don’t go on. It’s good that other ponies – not you – but other ponies like it, but… I don’t don’t get it, so can we not talk about it?” I asked.

        “Wait, why can’t I like it? I’m not complaining about all the crazy stuff you’ve done,” Scootaloo said.

        “But I want to do all those things with you,” I said, sighing and slumping down on top of the board game. “I’m not trying to gross you out, I’m trying to tell you about all the awesome things we could be doing. I can’t turn into a stallion, and even if I could, I wouldn’t want to.”

        She tried to say something but I talked over her. “Besides, a stallion could do the same things I want to do. The only thing we can’t do is… you know, but we can probably work around that.”

        “I guess,” she said, looking at the ground. “Do you think we can just start off with the normal relationship stuff, you know, the talking and…” She paused to make sure nopony’d snuck in my room while she wasn’t looking. “Cuddling and all that sappy emotional stuff before we try having sex?”

        Really? Miss Super-Tough Scootaloo wanted a slow cuddly relationship? I thought she’d be more into my type of stuff. You know, the fun stuff. Not the stuff ponies use to twist you around their hoof. “Oh… are you sure that’s what you want?” I asked. “Because I’m not good with that.”

        “Really?” Scootaloo asked. At least I didn’t say my ‘really.’ “Back in Ponyville, you were the best with that, so sensitive and holding your heart in your hooves. I thought you’d like the emotional relationship stuff.”

        “And look what it got me,” I grumbled. “But even then, I was more interested in the fun stuff.” I ran a hoof through my mane. “Look, I like the fun stuff. The fun stuff can’t hurt you or turn you into the most hated mare in Equestria.”

        “You know all the stories are about you doing the ‘fun stuff.’ They don’t exactly mention your pillow talk with Bright Lights or whatever,” Scootaloo said.

        “But none of that stuff would’ve happened if I hadn’t opened up to Bright Lights. I just would’ve been regular Sweetie Belle, spending her days kissing Diamond Tiara and Melody. Instead, I did, and everything went bad,” I said, lying down in my bed.

        “Sweetie, you’re kind of sounding like… well, you, but not the good you,” Scootaloo said, looking down at me. “You know what happened the last time you got caught up in having fun.”

        “So what?!” I growled. “Yeah, I get it. The drugs were bad, and I get that the orgies were probably taking things too far, and I wish I hadn’t done most of those things, but can’t I have some fun? I lost everything, and I just want somepony to love me and touch me and make me feel valuable. To make me feel good for a few hours. But apparently, I can’t even have that.”

        Scootaloo raised a hoof up and glared at me. “Okay, first, You know Rarity and I love you. Maybe not in the way you want, but we wouldn’t be here if we didn’t love you. Second, the only time you feel valuable is when you’re having sex with somepony? That’s… super messed up.”

        “It’s not the only time; I also feel valuable when I’m on stage and basking in admiration,” I said. “But since that’s not going to happen anytime soon, then I guess… yeah, knowing somepony wants me like that, it makes me feel valuable. If I wasn’t important, they wouldn’t want me.”

        “You know, Sweetie, you really should bring this up to Doctor Hooves,” Rarity said. Had she entered the room when I wasn’t looking or was it another hallucination? Probably the latter.

        “Okay, fine, so what do normal ponies do to feel special?” I asked both Scootaloo and my hallucination.

        “Uhmm… I think most ponies just naturally feel good about themselves,” Scootaloo said. “I have a nice life, I get to ride my scooter eight hours a day... I don’t need to sleep with somepony to feel good about myself, and you shouldn’t either.”

        I laughed. It wasn’t a happy laugh. “Of course, you don’t need…” What was the word I’d heard Doctor Hooves use a few times? “Validation. You get to ride your scooter, do your special talent, and…” Something in my voice cracked. “All I ever wanted was for ponies to like me. Doctor Hooves would probably say that’s because my parents were gone when I was growing up. He’s probably right. Maybe it’s not healthy, but it’s what I wanted, and I thought I had it, but then Bright Lights took it all away. Not just that, she made me hated. Now, you won’t even… My best friend, the mare who says she loves me won’t even…” I looked up at her expecting to see sympathy and understanding in her eyes. I got half that.

        Scootaloo glared down at me with perfect understanding in her eyes. “Yeah, it stinks what Bright Lights did to you, okay? I’m not going to argue about that. But you don’t need ponies to like you to like yourself. Also, trying to manipulate me into sleeping with you is a really scummy thing to do. Yes, I love you, and one day, I think I’ll be able to do the stuff you want with you, but it sure as heck isn’t going to happen by guilting me into it. You have a second chance, and you need to think about the type of pony you want to be.” She turned and trotted to the door.

        “Wait, where are you going?” I asked. Well done, Sweetie, you managed to make somepony else hate you. See, you don’t need me to be loathed, you do that all on your own. “Please, don’t leave me alone.”

        “I’ll be right outside, Sweetie, but you need to have some time alone so you can think,” Scootaloo said, standing over the threshold and keeping the door propped open with a back leg.

        She’ll never love you the way you want. Nopony will, and it’s all your fault. “Fine,” I said, looking down at my hooves and away from her. If this is what other ponies meant when they talked about love, I didn’t want it. It sucked. Everything about trying to be a “responsible” pony sucked. Yay, I had Rarity and Scootaloo back so they could judge me all the time. Hooray. “Then don’t let me keep you. Have fun.”

        “Sweetie–”

        “Go.”

        The silence hanging after my words was broken a second later by the sound of the door clicking shut followed by a lock bolting. “I was right,” Bright Lights said, stepping through the door. “You try caring about ponies, and it just leads to getting hurt. To them ripping out your heart the moment they disagree with you. Your friends did it three years ago, I did it when you crossed me, and now Scootaloo did it again. How many times has it been now? More than most, but you still keep giving her chances.” I needed somepony to talk to, but not her. Even if she might have been right.

        No. No, we want to be good, Sweetie. Remember the penthouse. Remember how you almost died. Is that what you want? 

        I pinched the bridge of my nose. “No, it isn’t fair. I gave up the drugs. I gave up the orgies. I lost my career. I can’t even sing anymore, thanks to her.” I pointed a hoof at Bright Lights. “My life’s basically ruined, and I can’t even get Scootaloo to… Is it wrong that I want to have a bit of fun?”

        “Well, let’s discuss that,” Rarity said, appearing next to the board game. She gestured a hoof at Bright Lights, who was just standing there smirking. “But first, do you think we could have some privacy?”

        “Sure,” I said, trotting over to my hallucinatory sister and willing Bright Lights back to the corner of my mind. “So, what are we going to talk about? How bad I am?”

        My sister smiled. “Now, Sweetie, have I ever called you bad?” I shook my head. “Then I hardly think I’m about to break that trend. No, let’s talk about why you want what you want with Scootaloo.”

        I rolled my eyes. She was supposed to know this stuff, right? “I love her, she said she loved me, and it’s fun. Does there really have to be a reason beyond that?”

        “For most ponies, yes,” Rarity said, floating the cards back into the box. Wait, was my sister actually here? I threw a token through her. Nope. “Now, if you could refrain from poking holes in me, I’d greatly appreciate it.” She gave a small smile, and I couldn’t help but laugh. 

        “Okay, so she wants emotional stuff to go with the sex.” I took a deep breath. “I guess I can get that. Maybe I could… try to meet her halfway? But I already tell her pretty much everything. How much more emotional stuff could she want?”

        “No, Sweetie, right now, we’re talking about why you want a ‘relationship’ with Scootaloo. The logistics can wait until after we figure that out,” my sister said, floating the game piece I’d thrown through her back into the box. Was I doing the magic and not noticing it? I really needed to talk to Luna tonight. “And before you repeat that not-answer to me, dig deep in yourself to find the truth.” I opened my mouth, but she held a hoof up. “No. Think it over, Sweetie. Really take some time before you give me an answer.”

        I sat still and squirmed in my seat, trying to think of the right answer. Because I want to. No. Because it’s fun. No. Because I love her. Do you? “What, how can you say that, of course I do, she’s my best friend.”

        “Point taken,” Rarity said, taking up the other half of my internal dialog. “But you love me, and I’d rather hope you don’t want to sleep with me.”

        “Well, no, but you’re my sister. It’s different,” I said, frowning. Of course, I knew what she was going to say next, she was still basically just a voice in my head. That didn’t mean I had to like it.

        “Ah, so it’s possible for two mares to love each other without wanting to have sex with each other,” Rarity said. “So why are you focused on sleeping with Scootaloo?”

        “I don’t know,” I mumbled. “I just…”

        “Validation?” Rarity asked, tilting her head. 

        “You know, I think I’m going to stick with fun,” I said. “It’s been like a month since I even had a kiss. I like being touched and desired. It makes me feel–”

        “Validated.” Rarity said, smiling at me. “That’s what this has all been about. If ponies love you, if ponies sleep with you, if ponies bring you paroxysms of pleasure, then maybe you’re important and worthwhile. After all, sex, in its best form, is an expression of love, and if you can know somepony loves you, then you can reasonably assume they find you in some way worthwhile. Every expression of affection is a little act of validation for you, isn’t it?”

        “Maybe,” I said. “So… what? I’m just not supposed to have sex now? ‘Cause I think I’d rather have tons of empty meaningless fun sex than go to not touching somepony ever again.”

        Rarity shook her head as she put the lid on the box. “No, Sweetie. I’m suggesting that it might benefit you to rethink your attitudes about sex and relationships. If you really love Scootaloo like you claim, don’t you want the best relationship possible? One with a foundation that runs deeper than mutual pleasure.”

        “Okay, and what would that be?” I asked. “I’m really not good with that stuff. I don’t like… serious things.”

        “No, yes, we’ve established that,” Rarity said, sighing and trotting over to me. “And I’m afraid I can’t just tell you the answer, so instead I’ll have to show you.”

        “Wait, wha–” She bopped my horn and the whole world dissolved.


♪♪♪


        I yawned and wrapped my hooves around something soft, warm, and furry. My heart thudded. Another pony. I was in bed with another pony. I traced a hoof down them. And they were a mare! Weird that I was the big spoon, but whatever. 

        You know this is just a dream, right? Yeah, I did, but I could… Hmm, if you can make yourself remember that you’re in a dream, could you make yourself forget too?

        I focused on the feel of somepony else’s fur against my fur, heat radiating from her body. Focused on the way her chest rose and fell with each breath. Focused on the faint smell of mare sweat filling my nostrils. Whatever had happened last night had been fun. I synchronized my breathing with hers, so our bodies rose and fell in tandem. Yes, last night had been fun, and today was… I stretched and opened my eyes to see a purple mane and orange coat. Scootaloo?

        Of course. I smiled and leaned in to kiss my wife’s neck. Wow, I must’ve really been sleeping, because I could not remember anything this morning. Must’ve been having a good dream. Scootaloo stretched herself at my touch, her whole body arching in my grip. I drew her close and kissed again as she turned around to look at me.

        “Good morning,” I said, ending my sentence with a kiss that lingered on her lips. No perfumes, no gloss, just Scootaloo. I loved that taste. “Did you sleep well?” I moved one hoof up from her barrel to brush it through her mane and the other hoof moved lower.

        “Slept great. I got real tired out last night for some reason.” She laughed and nuzzled my cheek as a warm wave ran down my spine. Not like the other warmth. Comforting, not burning. I winced. Of course, it was comforting. How long had it been since the burning heats?

        “Are you alright?” she asked, pulling away from her nuzzle. I reflexively drew a little closer.

        “Yeah,” I said, shaking my head. “Just a horn ache, I guess.” I smiled at her and stroked her flank. “So, no ideas on how you got so exhausted last night? Because I’ve got some ideas, and…”

        She tapped my horn with a hoof. “As much as I’d love to, I gotta go to work, and you have your show tonight.” Scootaloo waggled her eyebrows. “I promise we can make room for an encore performance tonight.”

        “Wait, when did I start doing shows again?” I asked, frowning before the answer snapped into my head. Right, a few weeks after my breakdown, the media moved on and I could start doing smaller shows again. How had I forgotten that? I chuckled and smiled at Scootaloo. “Nevermind, I don’t know why, but I’m really out of it this morning.”

        “Yeah, I know, I’m so tired I’m half tempted not to get out of bed today,” she said, rolling over to the edge. Tease. “But…” She flexed and extended her wings, showing off her tiny powerful wings. My eyes followed the muscle lines to her flanks. “I gotta keep this physique up somehow.” She snapped her wings shut. “Eyes are up here, Sweetie.”

        “I disagree,” I said, still keeping my eyes on her flanks. They were just so tight and hard, not like my flanks, which were… plump was the word Scootaloo used. 

        “Ugh, I really need to work off a few pounds,” I said, sighing and pushing myself out of bed. It wasn’t fair that I couldn’t get a few more hours of sleep… or something better than sleep.

        “Don’t you dare,” Scootaloo said, moving around the bed to block my path to the bathroom. “Your flanks are awesome. They’re the best pillow in the world,and you look good curvier. The moment you get fat, I’ll let you know.”

        I smiled and dodged past her. Sure, I’d gone fishing for the compliment, but she knew what I liked hearing in the morning. “So… I’m still feeling kind of sweaty. Maybe we could go take a quick shower together?”

        “We’ll have to take another shower after to get clean,” she said, following close behind and nipping at my side to get me to hurry up. I let out a laugh at her love-nip and sprinted towards the shower.

        “Two showers with you instead of one? I can live with that,” I said, magically turning the faucet to full blast and shutting the door behind Scootaloo. A cloud of steam filled the room. Only most of it was caused by the shower.


♪♪♪


        Two showers later, I sat at the kitchen table and smiled at my coffee while Scootaloo made miracles happen with eggs. “Are you sure you don’t need any help?” I asked, taking a sip and savoring the way the bitterness mingled with the cream on my tongue. Ugh, why do we like bitter stuff? 

        “I’m good,” Scootaloo said, looking at me before going back to her mixing bowl. “I’d rather not eat charcoal for breakfast.”

        “Come on,” I groaned, rolling my eyes. “I haven’t burned a meal since Ponyville.” You haven’t cooked since Ponyville either. I closed my eyes, the spike in my head flaring back up. Yes, I had. At least a couple of times a week since we’d gotten married. Why was my memory so awful today? Maybe I needed to get it checked.

        “Look, how about I’ve got breakfast, and you can do dinner tonight, alright?” she said, pouring the egg batter onto a skillet.

        “Alright, but I won’t be able to cook anything until after my show tonight. Are you sure you can wait that long?” I asked, closing my eyes and smiling as the smell of cooking eggs reached my nostrils. 

        “Whatever, we can just eat in bed if we’re really tired,” she said, voice moving closer to me. My smile grew as I leaned against the walls of the little alcove we’d set our table in. There was a joke in what she said, but I didn’t want to be too obvious. Besides, I could still feel the last ghosts of steam lingering on my coat. 

        “So what do you want?” I asked, running through all the ingredients we had in our apartment. I could make an apple salad easy enough, but after her talk about me burning food, I needed something fancy and elaborate. Something so good that she’d be eating her words for dessert. Ooh, pasta e fagioli, that could work, and I heard it paired wonderfully with crow.


♪♪♪


        “Come on,” Scootaloo said from her spot at the table while I mixed the pasta. “I haven’t eaten since breakfast, can’t we just do something simple for dinner?” She sounded like we’d had a long day, but– 

        “We could,” I said, adding another dash of salt to our dish. “But somepony had to make a joke about my cooking this morning. Now, you’re going to eat the best thing you’ve ever tasted, and you’re going to like it.” I floated the apple salad I’d prepared earlier and floated it over to her. Since she was begging, I guess I could give her a little snack now.

        Scootaloo’s laugh was garbled by a mouthful of apple. “It won’t be the best thing I’ve ever tasted, I can tell you that right now, but maybe it’ll be a close second. Gotta be honest though, probably not.”

        I blushed. Flatterer. “That’s supposed to be enough salad for both of us, so save some for me,” I said, floating a bite of pasta in my mouth. If it wasn’t for singing, I could’ve had a cutie mark in fancy cooking.

        “‘en you ‘etter ‘et here fast,” she said, and I could practically see the flecks of apple flying out of her mouth as she talked. Her spit was probably all over my part of the salad now.

        “Just a minute,” I said, pouring the pasta from the pot into the bowl and adding the sauce. “Also, I shouldn’t have to say this, but it’s hot, so don’t shovel it all into your mouth at once.”

        “Fine,” she said, between bites of apple salad as I trotted over next to her and poured a bowl. She leaned over her bowl and took a deep sniff. “I won’t eat the delicious smelling pasta you just put up in front of me even though I’m starving.”

        “You can eat it,” I said, pouring my own bowl while standing next to her. “I’m just saying you should pace yourself. You know, moderation? You should, since you helped teach me about it.”

        “Yeah, I did,” she said, struggling to hold the fork right in her hooves as she stabbed a piece of pasta. “I didn’t know it would come back to bite me, though.” She scraped the noodle off the fork with her teeth. “Are you happy? I’m gonna starve before I get full.”

        I closed my eyes and leaned against her as I put my bowl and the serving bowl down on the table, relaxing my magic as I felt Scootaloo’s muscles shift beneath her fur with each stab of the fork. I leaned down and bent to nuzzle her neck in a moment I wanted to last forever. “Yeah, I am.”

        Her movements stopped and the heat vanished. I opened my eyes to see a world frozen in place, my sister staring at me. “And that’s what a serious relationship can look like,” she said, smiling at me as the memories warped and cracked. We weren’t married. We’d just had a fight and I’d sent Scootaloo away. What if…

        “Why would you do that?” I asked, stomping a hoof. “Why make me realize how great a relationship is and then take it all away? I was happy. I’d… I’d almost forgotten about all the terrible stuff I’d done.” Almost. For an hour, I’d seen what I could’ve had. And now my sister’d shattered the illusion.

        “I didn’t do this just to torture you, Sweetie,” Rarity said, sighing. “Believe me, if I wanted you to suffer, I’d just do nothing.” I winced. That was… unfairly true. “No, I did it to show you how good a healthy relationship could be. To show you that emotional intimacy wasn’t just something ponies could use to twist you to their whims and break you.” Memories flickered in the back of my head. The way I used to cry at the drop of the hat. The way my friends would always be there to make me feel better. I’d forgotten that.

        “Yes, you have,” my sister said. I still hadn’t gotten used to how the hallucinations could know my thoughts, but… I guess it would make less sense if they didn’t. “But that’s why I’m here, to tell you all the things you won’t tell yourself.” She smiled and took a seat next to me, stroking my mane. “All the things you banished in the name of ‘happiness.’” She said the word like a curse.

        “Okay,” I said, closing my eyes and bringing us back to my hospital room. Sitting next to my dream-wife wasn’t… The sooner we got out of that dream, the better. “So what else am I not telling myself?”

        “Lots of things,” she said. “But… Oh dear, I’m afraid I misspoke before, you see, because I don’t want to tell you everything. It would be far better for us if you could figure them out without my intervention. Instead, I tell you the things you absolutely positively must hear.”

        “Ugh,” I sighed as she continued stroking my mane. If it wasn’t so relaxing, I’d probably be mad. “So… you’re not going to tell me anything else then? Like how I can maybe put my life back together? Because I’d really like to hear that.”

        She smiled. “Now that, I can tell you, although I’m afraid you won’t like it much.” She paused, letting the answer hang in the air before plucking it down for me. “You do what everypony else does. You pick up the pieces and carry on.”

        “But there are a lot of pieces,” I said, summoning the bed under me so I could sink into it. The dream bed was way comfier than the actual hospital bed. 

        Rarity grunted and pushed herself up on the bed so she could keep sitting next to me. “Indeed there are, but you have me, Scootaloo, and Princess Luna to help you as much as we can.”

        “Okay, so…” I frowned, trying to think about what I could ask her next. “Hey, why did the real you get all weird today? Like… did I do something wrong?”

        “I could only give baseless speculation, Sweetie,” Rarity said, her stroking slowing. “As much as I might resemble the genuine article, I can’t tell you the innermost workings of her mind unless you already know them.”

        “Well, thanks anyways,” I said, staring out the window. Instead of the Manehattan skyline being outside, I saw visions of the Ponyville I left. “So, is a real relationship as good as the dream? It was…” I smiled, blanketing myself in the memories. One of the nice things about my ‘ability’ was that dreams felt just as real as life and didn’t fade when I woke up. It almost made up for the hallucinations. Well… no, but it was nice, especially if I could start having more good dreams. “I wish I’d known earlier, you know? The dream felt so easy.”

        “Yes, well, that’s one difference, I suppose. The real thing isn’t easy. Certainly, it’s rewarding. It’s fulfilling. It’s a variety of other wonderful things. However, one thing it is not is easy. It takes work, it takes compromise, it takes understanding, it takes patience, and it takes a willingness to put your own ego aside. You and Scootaloo have your work cut out for you.”

        I growled, not needing to tell her how unlikely that was after my freakout earlier. Stupid Sweetie. “Do you think I can fix things?”

        “If I can, then no redemption is impossible,” a voice said from behind me. I turned to the source and saw Princess Luna stepping out from the wall like it was a door. “You’ll pardon me for my voyeurism, I hope. I planned on fetching you as soon as you fell asleep, as I have previously, but it’s so rare to see you having a pleasant dream, I hated to disturb you.” She bowed her head to Rarity. “It’s good to see Sweetie has some voices of reason in her head, although I hope in the fullness of time you find yourself integrated into the core of her being instead of serving as a voice on the periphery.”

        She laughed and smiled at the princess as she started to fade away. “I think that makes two of us, your highness,” she said before giving me a small wink. “Or perhaps it’s three. Either way, I’ll make room for the two of you to talk. Sweetie, I’m sure we’ll talk later, but think on what I’ve shown you.” Think, think, think, how many ponies had told me to think today? Even my own hallucinations were telling me to think. What was Princess Luna going to tell me to think about?

“Wait,” I said, tilting my head at the princess. “You’ve never really talked with my hallucinations before. Is it the real you or just another hallucination?”

Princess Luna banished the dream with a dismissive wing flap, sending us back to her hub where we were surrounded by all the dreams of Equestria. It was emptier than usual. “You fell asleep early today,” she said, noticing my look at the dream crystals. “Most ponies are still settling in for the night. Only the young and elderly populate the dreaming at this hour.” She looked off at one crystal with a twinkle in her eye. “One evening, you must see the dreams of a newborn, they are… there is nothing to compare them to.”

I followed her gaze to the crystal. “You’re not answering my question.”

“Well, to answer the first part of your question, I never spoke with your hallucinations before because they were never truly worth acknowledging. There is no productive conversation to be had with Miss Bright Lights. Your dream-sister, on the other hoof, was perfectly civil and helpful, so I returned the favor. As to the other thing, there’s no way I can answer that question. Anything I can do your mind could rationalize away as a hallucinatory trick. If I break character, it’s ‘confirmation’ I’m a pretender; if I stay true to myself, that still proves nothing. It’s up to you whether you want to believe the outside world, or fall into solipsism. I’d caution against the latter, though.”

I bit my cheek, chewing on what she’d said. Solipsism. That was… Okay, don’t ask her what it means, figure it out yourself. That’s what Dream-Rarity wants you to do. How? Well, we know what ‘believe the outside world’ means, that’s pretty obvious, so… solipsism would be the opposite of it? Right? Which would be? That the outside world doesn’t exist? I raised a hoof. “Princess Luna, does… solipsism mean that the outside world doesn’t exist?”

She smiled at me and nodded. “Well done, Sweetie. I thought I’d have to explain my words to you, but you managed to surprise me. To be more accurate, though, it’s the belief that the only thing we can ever know to exist is the self and that the rest is but a dream. As the Mistress of Dreams, I find the idea that the outside world falls into my domain rather laughable. Certainly, if it was, the whole thing would be better ordered.”

“Really?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “You think you could do a better job than your sister?”

“No, Sweetie, you misunderstand. I tried my sister’s job once, and it was… unpleasant. All I meant was that if we could restructure the Waking as easily as the Dreaming, things would be easier,” she said, turning to look at a wobbling crystal and giving it a zap of magic to calm it down. “Now, we’ve digressed enough. It’s nice to see you having pleasant dreams again. How many years has it been?”

“A lot,” I said, frowning and looking at one of the smaller shinier shapeless crystals. “I bet they weren’t even alive the last time I had a good dream.”

She followed my look and nodded. “You’re correct. I believe the last time your dreams were open to me was shortly before they were conceived, but I could be mistaken.”

How could she know that? Did she know everypony in Equestria through their dreams? Not even Princess Celestia knew all her little ponies. “How can you do that?” I asked. “Just look at a crystal and know them like that?”

“It’s a part of the job, Sweetie Belle,” she said, grabbing the crystal with a wing and caressing it. “While you may be able to touch and mold this stuff of dreams like no other mare, the Dreaming is core to my very identity. More than the moon, this is the essence of my being, and the thousand years I spent able to feel dreams but unable to actually touch them was more maddening than the actual imprisonment. Imagine having your voice separated from you, and you might know a piece of my agony.”

I didn’t have to imagine too hard. “Now,” Luna said, floating the crystal back to it’s proper place after whispering something to it I couldn’t hear, “How have you been? You seem to be recovering well. Certainly, Doctor Hooves’ reports have been promising, and the fact you’re finally having pleasant dreams warms my heart.”

“It wasn’t that pleasant,” I mumbled, looking down at the floor. “Sure, it was nice at the time, but then they just ripped it away from me and reminded me who I really am.” I growled. “And today… wasn’t super great.”

“Oh?” Princess Luna asked, raising an eyebrow. “And just who are you, really? That seems to be the question everything else circles around, but if you already have the answer, I suppose we can all go home.”

“I don’t–” My mouth clenched shut. “I’m a mess-up. That’s what I do, right? Mess things up? The only thing I haven’t completely messed up yet is Rarity, and I’m sure her life would be better if I wasn’t–” Luna’s magic forced my mouth shut before I could complete the thought and any good cheer vanished from her eyes.

“Do not say such things, Sweetie Belle. The amount of joy you have brought into existence cannot be understated, and Rarity would be in a far worse position had you not graced her life,” Luna said. voice both severe and crackling with passion. “Yes, there were mistakes, there were follies, but should I be consigned to oblivion because I was once Nightmare Moon?” I shook my head and Luna sighed. “We seem to be stuck having different versions of the same conversation. Eventually, you must believe in your own self-worth.”

“Well, maybe when I do something go–” Another glare from Luna cut me off. Right, ‘self-worth is something you have, not something you earn.’ I sighed. Another thing everypony kept telling me. I still didn’t get it. How could you like yourself if you hadn’t done anything likable?

“But Sweetie, you have to believe in yourself or something, because everypony has value,” I said in my most over-the-top Trottingham accent. “Even Bright Lights, even though she’s literally the worst pony ever.”

“And I see Doctor Hooves is having the same conversation with you,” Princess Luna said. “And you’re giving him all the respect a top psychiatrist in his field deserves.”

I winced. Yeah, of course she could hear me. “Sorry,” I said, suddenly finding my hooves super fascinating. “I… I don’t think I’m quite convinced about the whole ‘liking myself’ thing. Maybe when I get out of the hospital and start doing good things, I’ll change my mind.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Sometimes, I feel my time would be better spent if I spoke with a brick wall. Or perhaps bashed my head against it. At least the wall would eventually crumble away. You’re still as recalcitrant as when we pulled you from the penthouse.”

“Sorry,” I said again. “I do want to like myself, I just… you know, I haven’t earned it. At the very least, I don’t completely hate myself all the time, now.”

“Sweetie, you were there when we fought the Tantabus, correct? Didn’t that teach you how dangerous punishing yourself for past sins can be? Perhaps your penance won’t turn into an Equestria-destroying nightmare creature, but it’s just as dangerous on a personal level.”

“Really?” I asked. “What? I’ll…” I trailed off, unable to think of something biting to finish off the sentence.

“You’ll continue isolating yourself from those who care for you most, keeping them at arm’s length. Self-loathing gains you nothing, but it can cost you everything, Sweetie Belle. It is a prison that keeps you from the world. A mare cannot make amends when locked away.”

“Yeah… I guess that makes sense,” I said, taking a deep breath in and exhaling. When it left, I felt somehow lighter. “I’ll… I’ll try, like really try.” Another breath. Another pound lost. “It’s hard, though, you know? Like, I can’t stop thinking about how awful I was and how it must’ve hurt Rarity and Scootaloo. Or how I blew up at Melody and kept pushing her to do things she didn’t want. Or all those ponies in the penthouse I kind of treated as disposable props. Or… I ruined my friendship with Apple Bloom.” I ran a hoof through my mane, suddenly feeling like it was made of lead. “Ugh, I was just awful to everypony! Everypony but the one pony I should’ve been awful to.”

“And you go from trying to forgive yourself to recounting all the ponies you’ve wronged. I trust you can see the problem?” Luna asked.

I sighed and sat down in the plane of nothingness. “Yeah… I really want to be better, you know, I just… I don’t know, forgetting is hard.”

“Forgetting isn’t the goal, forgiving is,” Luna said. The conversation lulled and silence reigned over the hub of all Equestria’s dreams as we both sat in thought. “Still, enough lecturing, I’m sure you’ve heard all this before, so let’s instead celebrate. I believe having your first good dream in years is praiseworthy, and a romantic dream too.” Her eyes twinkled. “Those were always my favorite.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t as good as it seems, though, I… I was actually having it because I had a fight with Scootaloo about relationship stuff.” I rolled my head around and closed my eyes as the world transformed a balcony in Cloudsdale looking out over all of Equestria. “Nice view.”

“Indeed,” Princess Luna said. “Admittedly, I had to warp the perspective somewhat to fit the whole of Equestria beneath us, but I still enjoy it.” The sun winked out of existence and replaced itself with a night sky. “That’s better. So, you fought with Scootaloo. That seems a common occurrence with you two as of late.”

“Kind of,” I said, frowning as I looked at the webs of light below us representing cities. Lights above. Lights below. I rubbed my forehead. “I… It’s been so long since I’ve been kissed or done anything romantic, I kind of… really wanted to do stuff with her.”

Princess Luna smiled and lounged, summoning a bowl of fruit for us. “You have my sympathies, Sweetie Belle. A dry spell is a terrible thing.”

I rolled my eyes at one of Equestria’s four princesses. “I know it’s dumb, you don’t have to make fun of me, I just… I miss some of the old things. Especially sex.” Was I allowed to do that? Talk about sex with a princess? “Sorry,” I mumbled. 

“It’s perfectly acceptable, Sweetie Belle. Truthfully, it’s refreshing to have somepony I can speak about such things with. Princesses have their desires too, and my desires are greater than most,” Princess Luna said.

“Really?” I asked, taking a bite into the flesh of an apple, it’s juice dribbling out the corner of my mouth and down my chin. “I kind of thought Princesses didn’t do that stuff. Except Princess Cadance. And Twilight. Okay, I thought you and Princess Celestia didn’t do that stuff.”

Luna snorted and rolled her eyes right back at me. “A reputation my sister has spent a thousand years cultivating. Personally, I don’t know how she does it. She doesn’t even dream about such things. Everypony has those dreams.”

“Even you?” I asked, taking another bite of big red apple.

“Sweetie Belle, I’ve had more than just dreams. Back before I was banished, I was known for my… Well, let’s just say you weren’t the first pony to electrify Equestria with tales of debauchery,” Princess Luna said, drawing an apple to herself. “Tia dislikes it when I speak of such things, but I think of all the souls in Equestria, yours would be the most understanding.”

“So… you did that stuff too?” I asked, leaning closer to her. “I’m not the first pony to… I don’t even know what you’d call it.”

“Enjoy the carnal pleasures of the night to the utmost?” Princess Luna asked, before staring off at a section of the dream for a minute. “No… No, I once considered such things a perk of my domain. You should have seen it, Sweetie. My… err… I suppose harem is the best word for it, although it demeans the ponies I shared my evenings with. They were the finest artists and dreamers in all of Equestria, those who truly saw the blessings of the night.” She paused and closed her eyes. “I loved all of them. But yes, it was a thing of beauty, Sweetie Belle.”

“Sounds... fun,” I said, dreaming a glass of ice water into being and debating whether I should drink it or just pour it on myself. “So what do you do now? I mean, do you have a secret harem nopony knows about, or…”

She laughed. “I do the same thing you do, Sweetie. Nothing.” She tilted her head. “Well, I suppose I dream from time to time, but such things aren’t healthy in excess. Certainly not a substitute for actual relationships.”

“Well, how come you don’t have somepony?” I asked, forgetting I was talking to a Princess of Equestria. “You’re pretty, I think you’re nice, you shouldn’t have any problem finding somepony. It’s not like everypony in Equestria hates you.”

“You realize you’re speaking to the pony formerly known as Nightmare Moon, yes? Speaking as a former boogeymare to a current boogeymare, for some reason, most ponies don’t want to date mares with such colorful histories. You’re lucky you have Scootaloo, still,” she said, I sipped my water while she brought a glass of wine into being. “But… now is not the time for self-pity. Besides…” She shrugged. “I suppose you don’t care to hear about my romantic woes.”

        “Actually, I really do,” I said. “Maybe after you’re done, I can complain about how weird things are with Scootaloo. If you don’t mind.”

Her eyes gleamed for a second. It was weird seeing her not being stern and regal and stuff. Weird, but nice. “Not at all,” she said. “I would welcome the chance to engage in... What’s it called? Mare talk? It’s one of those modern concepts I haven’t yet had opportunity to explore to my satisfaction. How do we begin?”

“I think you’re doing fine,” I said, pushing a hoof experimentally against the cloud table. An idea popped in my head. “Hey, Luna, can we dream fly? I know I can float, I just don’t know if I can–”

“Certainly,” Luna said. “A wonderful suggestion on how we can further develop your Dreaming skills. You’ve gained some proficiency in modifying the environment through your will; now, let’s see if you can modify yourself. It’s the same concept, so you should have little trouble with that.” There was a smirk, like she knew something I didn’t. I guess she knew a lot of things I didn’t, but this one was like I was about to open a door that had a bucket of water perched on the ledge.

Either way, I screwed my eyes shut and imagined myself with a pair of beautiful white wings like Scoota– No, that wouldn’t help me fly. Like Rainbow Dash’s – and a second later, my back tingled as something felt like it was sprouting out of me. I guess something was sprouting out of me. Somethings, actually. The tingling spread as sensations flooded in from the new limbs, noticing the way the air bumped and brushed against them. I looked back behind me, and there they were. Wings! With pretty white feathers and everything.

“Now, move them,” Luna said, eyes still locked on me. 

That was… Uhmm… I tried to imagine my wings flapping, and a minute later I got one tiny little flap out of them. “Tell me, you don’t move your legs in the Dreaming by imagining it, do you?” Luna said, her smirk somehow getting into her voice.

“No, but I know how to move my legs in the normal–” Her eyes narrowed at me. “In the Waking world. I don’t exactly know how to work a pair of wings.”

“Yes, getting used to new limbs takes time,” Princess Luna said. “If you could fully immerse yourself in the logic of the dream, it would be but a trivial problem – but sadly, such things are not for us.”

“I did it earlier tonight,” I said, staring up at her as I struggled to get a wing to flap. Maybe the tip of one twitched.

“You did,” Luna said, stepping towards the balcony railing. “And it was most impressive how you figured it out – but in doing so, you lost your sense of self, and I do believe that’s something we both must possess if we wish to talk. Still, I can help you in your quest to master the skies.”

She stared at nothing and the air around us suddenly got heavy. Like… really heavy. “Increased air density,” she said. “The beauty of the Dreaming is that reality is ultimately what we make it. If the position of  the stars in the sky offends us, we may simply change it.” To make her point, the stars above started to shift and swirl around, the Milky Way turning into a river carrying its cargo from one end of the horizon to the other, occasionally branching off into other little eddies that snaked around the sky.

I wanted to say something, but instead my jaw just hung open as I stared into the sky. “Teach me?” I finally squeaked out.

Luna smiled and jumped off the balcony. Her wings flapped, and she rose above me. “You already understand the basic principles, Sweetie, now it’s but a question of will. The same force that conjured your glass of water and gave you wings is the same force that changes the stars in the sky and levels mountains. If your will is strong enough, nothing is out of reach.”

“Then how come I can’t flap my wings?” I asked, one of them giving a pathetic little spasm. “I’m imagining it really hard.”

“That requires a different type of will. One gained by acting without thought. When you give control of your wings to the same impulse that directs your legs, you’ll be able to fly. It just takes time to learn it.” She smirked as I felt the dream shift around me. “Time or the most dire of circumstances.”

Wait, wha– I fell through the balcony, hooves flailing for anything I could grab on to as the ground came up to me way slower than it should. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!” I screamed. 

“Use your wings, Sweetie,” Luna said, gliding in slow circles around me. 

“I don’t know how,” I shouted back over the sound of wind whipping around me.

“You don’t need to know anything. Do you think the sparrow calculates trajectory in his flight? No, it simply acts. All you need to do is act,” Luna said. 

“So what, I’m supposed to just stick out my wings without thinking–” A jolt went through me as my wings snapped out. I was still falling, but now I was falling with style. Or gliding, I guess.

“Well done, Sweetie,” Luna said, smiling as she moved to match pace with my descent. “While I don’t normally condone thoughtless action, movement is the exception, and it ties in with our lessons. The only way you can fly is if you act with 100% confidence. There’s no room for doubt in the skies.” 

But you need to doubt yourself. We don’t want to go back to the penthouse, do we?

Shut up. I’m not listening to… whichever voice you’re supposed to be right now. I looked down. The ground wasn’t any closer than the last time I saw it. I felt my wings flap. Felt the pulse of will that ran from my head, down my spine, and spread out to my wings. They flapped, and I flapped them. Another pulse of will. Another flap. I smiled. “I’m doing it! I’m flying!”

“Indeed you are,” Luna said, smiling as we both climbed higher in the sky. “And I had placed at least decent odds on you hitting the ground. It seems you have better instincts than I suspected.” That was a joke. If I had good instincts– I shook my head and flapped my wings again, climbing higher into the sky towards the shifting sea of stars and away from the fixed lights of the towns below. 

“It’s lovely, isn’t it?” Luna asked, rolling to her side. “This narrow stretch between the cold emptiness of the stars and the hard ground.” I nodded, feeling the wind against my face, brushing a loose strand of mane to the side.

“Yeah, it is,” I said. “And when did you get all poetic?”

She laughed and did another roll circling around me. “Sweetie Belle, did you not hear me speak of how my harem was filled with the best artists in Equestria? The arts have always fallen under the dominion of the night, and as such, my domain. What is art, if not dreams given form in the Waking world? It’s only proper I have an artistic streak in me.”

“I guess,” I said, shivering as wind ran over my primaries. Flying felt good. Or maybe I just imagined it would. “And weren’t we supposed to be talking about your mare problems?”

“And what if I changed my mind?” she asked, looking at me with one eye. “What if the wind against me lifted my spirits as well as my body, and I no longer wish to dwell on such melancholic thoughts. Is a princess not entitled to change her mind?”

“Ye– Uhmm…” She was a princess. “I guess we can talk about whatever you want.”

I saw the glint of a smirk in the corner of my eye. “And I am a mare of my word. Besides, my problems are not so woeful. Merely vexing.”

“And what are they?” I asked. “If I was a princess, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have any trouble getting dates. You could just issue royal decrees, right?”

“That might not go well with the general public,” she said, still smirking as we flew to Canter Mountain. With the stars swirling above it, it looked kind of like that one painting. “Although… You know, Tia never did get to taking off the right to droit du seigneur off the books. I suppose I’ll have to fix that eventually. With more alicorns showing up, we wouldn’t want to… Yes, better that some relics of my time stay forgotten.”

“Droit du seigneur?” I asked, tilting my head. Was Canter Mountain bigger in the dream? 

Luna groaned. “Yes, well… I suppose there’s no sense in keeping secrets to preserve your innocence. In the olden times, before we came to Equestria, when a couple got married, the ruler had the right to spend the first night with them – although usually, it was the mare who had attention paid to her.” She cleared her throat. “It was a dark law, and when Celestia and I came to rule, it fell into irrelevancy. Well, mostly irrelevancy. When somepony from my harem decided to get married, I might or might not have invoked the law as a sort of wedding present, depending on their wishes.”

I chewed my lip. It sounded kind of fun, but at the same time… “If they didn’t want to, could they say no?” I asked.

“When I invoked it, yes.” Oh, alright then. I guess that was fine. Wait, when she invoked it? I shivered. Yeah, no thanks. I’d rather not get married and then have some old gross king try to do stuff with me. Actually, back then, I probably couldn’t get married anyways. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? On the one hoof, no gross kings (or sexy queens; I probably wouldn’t have minded too much if Princess Platinum wanted to get all seigneur with me); on the other hoof, I might actually want to get married some day. 

“What’s on your mind, Sweetie Belle?” Luna said, flying close to me.

“Nothing,” I said, shaking my head. “Just deciding whether or not it would have been a good thing to be a lesbian back then. Were there more queens or kings in Equestrian history? I know I couldn’t have gotten married back then, but…” Princess Luna burst out laughing.

        “It is good to hear such fanciful thoughts from you again, Sweetie, and I think it is better by far to be alive now than in any other time.” She swooped and dived in front of me, like she was showing off all the cool flying tricks I couldn’t do. “And I believe I have more authority on the matter than most ponies.”

        “So,” I said, snapping the conversation back on… well, not on track, but definitely nudging it closer to the track. “What’s been bugging you?”

        She raised an eyebrow. “Are you just asking so you can regale me with your romantic woes regarding a certain orange pegasus?”

        “Maybe,” I said. Luna flew a few paces in front of me and started to very slowly bend us around Canter Mountain. “But I also… You know, I want to hear about you. Everypony’s been asking about me, I just kind of want to hear a conversation that’s not about my problems.”

        But we could talk forever about that.

        “Very well,” Luna said. “It’s not as dramatic as some tales. Indeed, it’s hardly a tale at all. More like an irritant. It is… Tia, in her infinite wisdom, has desexed herself in the public eye for reasons I can’t begin to comprehend. Maybe she truly doesn’t have such thoughts, maybe she sublimates them for the public good. Either way, this reputation has bled over to me. There has been… maybe one pony who nurtured romantic thoughts towards me since my return, and she is now happily married. Everypony else tends towards stiff formality.”

        “You know, you could go after a pony if you wanted. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind,” I said, following her as the mountain loomed larger on my left. Were we headed to her castle?

        “I considered that as well, but tell me, what would  you do if one of Equestria’s diarchs – No, I don’t think we’re diarchs anymore – pursued you?  One known for throwing jealous fits and attempting to fling the world into eternal darkness,” she asked. Below us, I could see the lights of Ponyville, Twilight’s castle lit up as bright as the moon above us.

        Wait? Was she flirting with me? That wasn’t– I wanted to make things work with Scootaloo. She deserved it. “Uhmm… I’m flattered, but I really want to… I don’t know, even though we’re kind of fighting, she waited all this time, and I really do love her for that and a lot of other things, but…” She was also a princess and could probably have me imprisoned forever.

        “You manage to completely misunderstand me and grasp my point all at once,” Luna said. “No, Sweetie Belle, I have no desire to commence a relationship with you. I understand your bond with Scootaloo is special, and I have no desire to interfere. However, you managed to demonstrate my concern perfectly. Ponies might accept my advances simply because I am a princess and they fear my reprisals. I cannot court, and my reputation deters ponies from courting me.”

        “That… doesn’t sound super great,” I said, dropping down to her castle. “Not sure how I can help you. Have you tried putting an ad out? ‘Lonely princess seeks company.’”

        She burst out laughing and collapsed onto the tiles below us. “Ohh… Sweetie, it’s good to see you feeling better, but I think I’ll pass on advertising in the classifieds for the moment.” She winked at me as my hooves touched the ground. “I think it might take a few more years before I get that desparate. Now, I have shared my tale of romantic woe with you, I believe you now must reciprocate.”

        “I don’t really know how to start it out,” I said, frowning. You ruined everything. There, finished. It’s not a complicated story. You messed something up like you mess everything up. Great, there was the voice in my head I missed so much. It was using Bright Lights’ voice this time. I groaned. “Is there any way I can get these voices in my head to shut up?”

        “Unify your will,” she said, shrugging. “I’m not an expert on waking hallucinations, but I believe the same principle applies. With your connection to the Dreaming, when your mind wars with itself, the dissenting faction has the opportunity to conjure itself into being. For you, that manifests as voices and familiar faces.”

        “And the scenes,” I said, nodding my head. “They’re the worst. I’m just doing whatever, and then suddenly I’m taken away and trapped in dream logic. Like, today, I was talking with the doctor, and then suddenly I was back in the penthouse, practicing for Bright Lights.” I rubbed my throat, my chest tightening. Sing for me, Sweetie Belle. I screwed my eyes shut. Why that? I didn’t have to go back there. I didn’t have to go back.

        “Again,” Bright Lights said. I opened my eyes, still stinging with tears. “This is your career, Sweetie, you need to take this seriously.”

        “Please,” I rasped. “Just give me a few hours to rest.”

        “No!” She slammed her hoof on the piano as I felt the tingle of rejuvenating magic in my throat. “You need to take this seriously.” A pill pushed against my lips. She’d gotten the Joy out when I wasn’t looking. “You want this?” she asked.

        I nodded. She smiled and pulled the pill away. “Then do it again.” She trotted forward and I felt her breath burning my neck. “If you’re a good little Sweetie, I’ll give you everything you want. Don’t you want to be a–”

        “Enough!” Luna bellowed, pulling the dream logic from my mind and freezing the scene. “Yes, Sweetie, I can see why these nightmares might be problematic. And you say you have no ability to control your thoughts in these nightmares?”

        “No.” I shook my head. “They feel so real, I just… I forget. I forget I’m not there. How can I get rid of them when I think they’re real?”

        “Yes, we see the problem,” Luna said, sending a blast of fire to burn through Bright Lights and her piano. I might’ve smiled. “And we lack a solution. All I can do is offer the same advice I’ve been offering. Unify yourself. The more fractured your psyche, the more likely these nightmares are to occur.”

        “That makes sense,” I said, nodding my head and staring at the spot of ash where Bright Lights used to stand. And that explained the big freakout I had earlier. I had a bunch of different thoughts about Scootaloo, and they all got out.”So… just keep doing our exercises?” 

        She nodded. “Precisely. Do you still wish to tell me about your mare troubles?”

        “Sure,” I said, looking from the ash to her. “It’s not that much of a story. I just… We’ve been fighting a lot more since she saved me. I get mad at her for being dense or not wanting to do something, and then I get mad at me because I really shouldn’t be mad at her. I’d be dead without her.”

        Hooves sounded against tile as Luna moved to sit next to me. “I understand your frustration, Sweetie Belle. I had similar experiences after my restoration.”

        “Really?” I asked, looking up at her. “You got mad at Ti– Princess Celestia?”

        “Indeed, Sweetie Belle. I admit the fault rests entirely with me, but yes… there were arguments. Even with all my years, I really can act the foal sometimes,” she said, shaking her head.

        “What’d you do?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

        “I yelled and dismissed her and when my anger faded, I cursed my fool pride. Eventually, I’d apologize to her and we’d move past it.” She smiled but her eyes still looked sad. “I don’t think she ever realized why I was really upset with her. She just saw it as another symptom of my illness to be dealt with.”

        “So… what really got you mad?” I asked. 

        “That damned look in her eye. The cloying pity in her voice whenever she spoke of how sorry she was, and dragged my mind back to those days. At least when she was mad, when she was throwing my mistakes back in my face, she saw me properly. Saw more of me than just her memory. At least then, I felt like a normal pony and–”

        “Not a sick puppy,” I filled in.

        “Indeed,” Luna said. 

        I took a breath and exhaled. “Well… thanks. For not treating me like that. I love my sister and Scootaloo to death, but I just wish… I don’t know, it’s my own dumb fault they look at me like that, so I guess I can’t really complain. Either way, thanks… It’s nice being treated like a normal pony.”

        She smiled at me. “Think nothing of it, Sweetie Belle.” We shifted back into her dream hub. “As a mare who walked your road, I’m sympathetic. I know how irritating it is to constantly be compared to the mares you were, both good and ill, instead of the mare you are.”


♪♪♪


        The rest of the night went by pretty fun. We talked some more, did a little training, and then I had to go back to the real world, where my sister was sleeping at the table, Ponydemic pieces in her mane. So that was a dream too. “Didn’t I tell you to go home and sleep?” I asked, sitting up in my bed. 

        She jolted up, knocking a stack of cards off the table. “What?” Bleary eyes locked on to me. “Oh, Sweetie, I’m dreadfully sorry. I came back last night with wonderful news, and I suppose I fell asleep waiting for you to wake up.” She blinked at the dim gold coming in from the window. “And it appears I slept far longer than I anticipated.” She plucked a token from the curl of her mane and set it on the table.

        “Yeah, because you haven’t been going home to sleep,” I said. Wait. “Did you say you had wonderful news? Does that mean what I think it does?”

        My sister, the best sister in the world, nodded. “Indeed it does, I spoke with the doctor; he agreed that if we safety-proof the apartment, you can go home. I intended to come tell you the news and go home to help Twilight, but…” Her eyes went wide. “Oh dear, I do believe I owe a certain princess a very big apology when we get home. Either way, groom yourself and make yourself presentable. I will trot back to our apartment as quick as you please to fetch our little disguise for you.” She smiled and turned to the door. “It’s time to come home, Sweetie.”

        My sister paused, and I could tell by the look on her face, she had her tongue touching the roof of her mouth. “Err… Well, not home exactly, but either way, it’s time to get you out of this hospital.”

       I smiled at her. "Don't worry, if it's outside, it's got to be better than here."
> 5. Who Are You?
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        I didn’t walk out of the hospital. I bounced. Sunlight warmed my coat. Wind caressed my mane. I was outside. When was the last time that happened? Yes, the sun was muted by my sunglasses, and there wasn’t much mane uncovered by my hat, and the dress Rarity had me wearing made me a bit too warm – but still, I was outside. In the sun. “Isn’t this just the best thing ever?” I asked, spinning around to look at my sister and bumping into a pony walking by us on the sidewalk. “Sorry.”

        He glared at me, but didn’t recognize me as he walked past while Rarity ‘tsked.’ “You really must control yourself, Sw–” She caught herself. We weren’t using my real name while we were outside. “S– Si–”

        “You know you can just call me sister, right sister?” I asked, turning to walk the right way, this time careful not to bump into somepony and laughing.

        “Yes… Yes, I suppose I could,” Rarity said. From behind me, I heard the sound of her dainty steps stop and I looked back to see her frozen in place. “A simple enough word, to be sure, but… You know, I’m slightly recognizable, perhaps if somepony recognized me and heard me call you… that, they might put two and two together, and then we’d have tomorrow’s headlines.”

        I rolled my eyes. What was so hard about saying sister? Maybe it was more of that weirdness she’d had the other day? “She’s so ashamed of you, she doesn’t want to acknowledge you as her blood. Ha, see, despite all her claims of forgiveness, she still doesn’t want to be associated with your wickedness,” Bright Lights said from beside me.

        “Shut up,” I whispered, closing my eyes and vanishing her, trying not to consider the idea that she was right. Rarity kind of had a point, even if she was being overdramatic about it. Still, what with her wasn’t overdramatic? That made sense. It had to. It was the only other explanation.

        “Sweetie?” Rarity asked, trotting up to stand next to me, dodging the ponies coming at her. “Drat, I mean… Sugar? Sugar Belle. Yes, that’s a pony name. By all accounts, a lovely baker.” Really? Weird that someone could have a name so close to mine but a completely different talent. My baking was… wasn’t awful anymore.

        “Nothing,” I said, smiling up at her. “Everything’s fine, Rare Heart.” If she wasn’t going to call me by my real name, then I was going to call her by a made up name. Even if it was a name she made up for herself. “Just… you know.”

        She nodded as we trotted. “Well, if you want, we can take a hansom cab over to our building. Really, I call it an apartment, but it’s more the Royal Suite at a hotel.” Her eyes glimmered. “There are some perks to being royalty, Sugar.”

        “Dating,” I said, my skipping stopping as something nasty bubbled up in me and burst. She got to date a princess and everything was great for her, and I was just… “You’re dating royalty. Or did you get made a princess when I wasn’t looking?” I narrowed my eyes. “Are you hiding wings from me too?”

        Rarity took a step back and frowned at me. “Sweetie, where is this hostility coming from? Did I do something to offend?”

        I shook my head. “No… I just… I don’t know what happened, I just… everything you do goes so well, and everything for me goes so… not. While I ruined my entire life, you got to date a princess and be basically royalty.”

        She moved up and stood close to me, giving me the option to lean against her while we walked. I didn’t take it. “Sugar, there’s… there’s a lot you don’t understand yet. I’ll tell you when you’re feeling better, but trust me when I say the last few years weren’t easy for me.”

        “Yeah,” I said, pulling away from her and trotting faster before reaching an intersection.

        “Left,” Rarity said, sighing.

        “Because of me. If I’d been fine and good, everything would’ve been fine, but I didn’t. I had to go off and be stupid with Bright Lights,” I said, making my turn and stomping. Somepony looked at me. Had I messed up? Again?

        “Yes, and if I’d–” She ground her teeth. Oh good, you upset another pony who cares about you. We haven’t seen Scootaloo yet today, have we?. “Sugar, we all make bad decisions from time to time, and believe me when I say it gains us nothing to dwell on them. We just move on and try to make the best of it. You made a mistake. We all do. Now, yes, if you’d stayed in Ponyville, the last few years would have been easier for me, but I still managed to make do, didn’t I? You’re fine. I’m reunited with you. That’s what matters.”

        I frowned and mumbled to myself, just loud enough for Rarity to hear. “You really think I’m fine?”

        She nodded and lifted my chin up with a hoof. “I do, and so does the doctor. Look at yourself; only a few weeks ago, you were on death’s door after that terrible penthouse, and now you’re being released from the hospital. You’re out on the streets of Manehattan, and instead of running away to crawl back into that pit you made for yourself, you’re staying with me and heading to our suite. That speaks volumes of how far you’ve come.”

        I smiled, the happy warmth from the dream bubbling up in me. “Thanks,” I said, letting her take the lead as we walked down the streets. I looked up at the city I’d spent the last three years living in. Looked at the unfamiliar buildings towering over me. “I’m sorry for–”

        “Don’t,” Rarity said, raising a hoof. “You’ve apologized multiple times, I’ve forgiven what needed to be forgiven, and as far as I’m concerned, you’ve suffered your penance and then some. All I care about right now is healing you.”

        “I don’t deserve a sister as great as you,” I said. Rarity stumbled before catching herself. 

        “No, Sweetie, you deserved so much more, but I couldn’t give it at the time,” she said, her posture going stiff.

        “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, following after her. “I mean… maybe when I was really young, we weren’t as close, but you were still there. You – okay, you got mad and yelled at me sometimes, but still, you were as good as a sister could be, I think.”

        “Could we just stop talking about that now?” Rarity asked, tilting her head. “If you really must apologize and atone, you can do it by dropping this subject. I swear, we’ll talk about it more later.”

        “How much later?” I asked as we reached an intersection and waited for the light to change. She hates herself for what happened to you. What? Why would she do that? Nothing was her fault. Maybe part of it was our parents’ fault (but really, I shouldn’t blame them, they’re very busy ponies who just had a hard time making time for us. We had everything we could want), but it wasn’t my sister’s. Your selfishness left a scar on her soul.

        “When I trust you can handle the news. Your recovery is so perilous, I don’t wish for anything to jeopardize it. You understand, I hope,” she said, the light switching so we could walk forward.

        “No, I don’t,” I said, feeling my hooves ache. How out of shape was I? Okay, I hadn’t really walked for almost a season if you counted the time in the penthouse, but before that, I got a lot of exercise. Still not a lot of walking, though. I took a deep breath. Maybe I’d see if I could go to the gym with my sister to hit the treadmill. “I understand that the doctor said I had a lot of paranoid thoughts that messed up my head, and I’m pretty sure keeping secrets from a paranoid pony is a bad idea. You know what I did when I thought my friends might leave me. Imagine what I’ll do if I know you’re keeping something from me.”

        “Sweetie, do you trust me?” My sister said, forgetting my code name as her voice cracked like a whip. “Answer me right now, do you trust me?”

        I slunk back from her. “Yeah… you know I do. At least, I hope you do.”

        She muttered something. I couldn’t hear all of it, but I was pretty sure I heard the word ‘shouldn’t’ somewhere in there. “Then, if you trust me, you will cease this foalishness. Yes, I’m keeping things for you, but it’s all for your own good, and when you’re ready, when I’m sure you can handle it, I’ll tell you. Until then, just trust me. Alright?”

        “Fiiiiinnneeee,” I groaned. “You’ll tell me, though, right?” She would have never kept anything from you before, now she has to hide things for ‘your own good.’

        “Eventually,” Rarity said. What if she was keeping something really bad from me? She hadn’t looked as good lately; what if she was sick and didn’t want to tell me? What if she was dying and she didn’t want to tell me? I took a deep breath. I trusted my sister. She wouldn’t… if it was that important, she’d tell me. Probably nothing super major important, but still important enough that it could mess up my recovery. My head hurt as everything twisted to make sense.

        “So… what are we going to do first when we get to your suite? Can we invite Scootaloo over? I really need to apologize to her for yesterday. I… uhmm… kind of lost my temper, and now I feel bad,” I said, stepping close behind her as somepony else bumped into me. This time, it completely wasn’t my fault. At least I apologized. 

        “We certainly can,” Rarity said, picking her pace up. Ahead of us, the Plaza Hotel loomed. The Royal Suite at the Plaza? That… that might be better than my penthouse, and my penthouse was really nice. “Would it be uncouth of me to inquire just what your spat was about? It seems you two are butting heads far more often now than you did…” Before.

        “It was about dumb sex stuff,” I said. Yeah, maybe somepony would overhear me, but it’s not like they didn’t know more than enough about my sex life already. “She wants to date me, but she’s kind of straight, so she doesn’t want to sleep with me.” I rolled my eyes. “Have you even heard something so dumb.”

        Rarity clicked her tongue. “Yes, I can see why that might cause tension between the two of you. Well, just be patient with her, Sweetie, this is as difficult for her… this is very difficult for her, too. Also, perhaps this is just me talking, but you don’t need to jump back into a relationship, even if it’s with Scootaloo, I don’t want you to–”

        “Jeopardize your recovery,” I said, finishing for her. Rarity nodded at the doorpony and floated a few bits out of her saddlebags while he opened the door for us. “I know, you won’t stop talking about how everything will ‘jeopardize my recovery.’ Do you want me to be sealed up in a room for the rest of my life?”

        She shook her head. “Of course not. I only want what’s best for you, Sweetie, and I don’t think rushing things is the best way to go. Yes, Scootaloo might urge recklessness, but I believe caution should be our watchword. One relapse, and… You know, I can’t bear losing you again.”

        “I know,” I said, looking down shamefaced. Of course, she just wanted what was best for me. “You know, I wish Mom and Dad cared as much about me as you did. Have they even tried to see how I’m doing?”

        “Yes, I’m sure your mother is very concerned with your well being. I’m just… My mother and I are having a bit of a disagreement at the moment, and I’m afraid you’re caught in the crossfire. When the time is right, your mother will be with you,” Rarity said, her voice calm, like she’d rehearsed that little speech in her head a hundred times.

        I snorted. “If she really cared, she’d be with me now.” Where did that come from? Your parents love you. They have to love you. Even if they’re not around. If they didn’t love you, they wouldn’t have gotten you all those Hearth’s Warming gifts. Substituting things for love again, are we, Sweetie Belle? Doctor Hooves asked in my head. Great, a new voice. That’s just what I needed.

        “Shush,” I said, before looking up to Rarity, standing still. Something was in her eyes. Something was boiling up inside me, threatening to spill over at any second. But he’s right, isn’t he? my sister’s voice asked. Why should you owe them a single kind word? 

        Why should I? A back leg stomped. “That…” Rarity cleared her throat, swallowing her look down. “Perhaps you’re being a little harsh on your mother?” Well, no mention of Dad. Why was one better than the other?

        “No!” yelled. “No! It’s all their fault, isn’t it? That’s what… That’s what Doctor Hooves was saying. They weren’t there. Mom was never there for me when I needed her. When things started going bad, did she even know? She definitely didn’t care. And before that… all those years, how many birthdays and Hearth’s Warmings did she miss? Why are you even defending her? You know how awful she was, how she was never there. I might as well not even have had a mom, for all the good she did me.” Rarity’s back legs were shaking. Why did she care so much?

        I shook my head. And there I went. I guess three years of saying whatever you want is a kind of tough habit to break. “You did the best you could, I guess. You tried. You did more than most big sisters… well, eventually. You shouldn’t be mad at yourself. It’s not your fault. You aren’t my mom; you didn’t abandon me.” I tried to smile to make her feel better. “It’s not like you’re the Worst Mom in the World.”

        Rarity gritted her teeth and levitated a key over to me. “Go upstairs. Room 5001.” She pressed the elevator button and waited for the door to open. She turned to the elevator operator. “You. Ensure my– Sweetie gets to her room safely. Do not let her run off or I shall be very upset with you.” 

        Her head snapped away from him to stare at me, ice-blue eyes like two glaciers crushing everything that got in their way. “Tell Twilight what transpired, she’ll understand my absence then.” She kissed the top of my head like she always used to when I was upset, which was a lot harder now that I was as tall as her. She still managed. “I love you, Sweetie. Please don’t think for a second you did anything wrong, but I simply must…” Her jaw clenched. “I shall be back after I’ve had time to think. Now be a good girl, please.” She pointed a hoof at the elevator and its walls of mirrors and I trudged towards it, not looking at the reflections coming to me from all angles.

        “I didn’t do anything wrong,” I said, looking back at her.

        She smiled grim, the doors starting to close. “No, Sweetie, you didn’t. That fault is all mine, but I will make amends.” The doors shut and she vanished behind them as the elevator lurched up.

        “Uhh… so, you’re with Princess Twilight, then?” the elevator operator said

        I glared away, not talking to him. “Well, well,” Bright Lights said, suddenly appearing to my side. “First Scootaloo, and now Rarity. You’re just pushing away everypony who ever cared, aren’t you?” She smirked. “The only two ponies in the world who could love you after what you’ve done, and they’re gone now. I’m impressed; I thought they’d last at least a few more weeks.”

        “Shut up!” I snarled, a line of telekinetic energy shooting out from my horn, pushing past her, and into the elevator’s mirrored wall, cracking it. Right. Hallucinations. “Sorry,” I said to the operator.

        “It’s… Well, we can just charge the Princess’s room,” he said. “Assuming she agrees to pay for it.” And I messed up another pony’s life. Way to go. How long had I been out of the hospital? An hour? Less than that? I groaned and dropped my head. “Sorry for breaking your mirror. I wasn’t telling you to shut up.”

        He just nodded, not sure how to look at me. I looked to the side to see my shattered self in the mirror. Ha, a broken mare seen through a broken mirror. That was almost funny. The rest of the elevator ride passed with the both of us not looking at each other. We reached the top and room 5001 was directly in front of me, the only door in a small lobby. “Nice place,” I said. 

        The operator locked the elevator in place and trotted out with me to knock on Twilight’s door. “Rarity!” Twilight said, flinging the door open in an instant and looking at the two of us. “Sweetie, what happened to her? Did she not pick you up from the hospital? No, how else would you have found your way here? Is she alright? Hurt? Do I need to go to the hospital?”

        “Sorry,” I said, head almost hanging low enough to touch the ground. “I think I did something bad. I… got upset at my parents and started yelling about how Mom and Dad abandoned me, and… I don’t know why, but it really messed with her. She said she had to go take a walk.”

        Twilight’s face fell almost as low as mine. “Oh, no, that…” She growled. “I keep telling her to tell you the truth, but she just has to do it her way.”

        “And what could be so important that she doesn’t want to tell me, anyways?” I narrowed my eyes at Twilight. It had to be something big. So earth-shatteringly big that I couldn’t even begin to handle it. Of all the possible things it could be, what would be the worst?

        I bit my lip. What if she was dying? It fit. She seemed sadder than usual, and what if she wanted me to get along with my mom because she wouldn’t be here for much longer? Tears stung up my eyes. The best sister in the world could be dying right in front of me, and I spent the last three years ignoring her.

        “Excuse me,” the operator said. bowing to Twilight, “I hate to interrupt, your Highness, but she broke one of the mirrors in the elevator.”

        Twilight raised an eyebrow at me.

        “I was really upset about her leaving,” I said, swallowing down guilty tears. “I just… Everything’s ruined and it’s all my fault.” I collapsed on the floor, sobbing while Twilight grabbed me with her magic and floated me into her suite.
        
        “I’ll pay for any damages she caused,” Twilight said. I heard the sound of hooves on the carpet as the operator trotted away, while Twilight lowered me onto the ground and clicked the door shut, several bolts thudding closed.

        “Breathe, Sweetie,” she said, the weight of my hat leaving my head while my dress disappeared in a flash of magic. “It’s alright. Nothing’s ruined. Everything’s going to be fine.”

        “No it’s not,” I said, rolling onto my back and getting a view of the room. There was a big couch in the center of the room, and several bookcases lining the wall. Something told me those weren’t there originally. “First Scootaloo left, and then Rarity, and it’s all my fault. I just… Why did I have to go and be bad and ruin everything?” I curled up into a sobbing ball, while Twilight grabbed me with her magic again and brought me towards the couch.

        “I’m sure if your– If Rarity was here, she’d tell you that it’s fine. You’ve probably heard that speech a few times, right?” Twilight asked.

        I raised my head up from the ball and nodded. “Every day, it feels like, and I hate it. I did awful things that are still hurting ponies, and I’m trying not to hate myself for them, I really am, because I know that just hurts ponies worse, but when I see that look in their eyes and see how they’re hurting because of me, I can’t help it.”

        She sat next to me on the couch and stroked me with her wings. “Let it out, Sweetie. It’s alright, you can cry as much as you want around me, I don’t mind. Just let it all out. Let everything out, alright, Sweetie.” I nodded, still sobbing, the tears scouring my soul. I sobbed until I couldn’t anymore, and then I slept.


♪♪♪


        “You need to talk to Sweetie!” A voice – Twilight’s? – said, pulling me from the darkness. No dreams, must’ve been too exhausted. Luna told me about that, having dreams where she dreamed of sleeping. She smiled when she recalled them. “You need to tell her–”

        “I know what I need to tell Sweetie,” Rarity tsked. She was staring at Twilight with those glacial eyes bearing down on her, daring her to stand in her way. “And I will, but right now, I need to fix this mess I created.”

        “By telling her the truth!” Twilight said, getting on her hooves and stepping towards my sister. She was braver than I was to stand against that look. “The whole truth, not whatever you’ve been telling her.” I blinked. Scootaloo stood behind my sister, glancing at me. Scootaloo!

        I bounced off the couch and wrapped my forelegs around her neck. “I’m so sorry, Scootaloo, I didn’t mean anything I said yesterday, I’m sorry for losing my temper. I promise, if you want a slow relationship without doing any fun stuff, I can do that, just please don’t leave me, I’m so sorry for sending you away.”

        She frowned at me, but a second later, I felt lips press against my cheek, a jolt of fire running from her lips down my spine, lower and lower. She pulled away, leaving bits of spit on my coat. “It’s fine, Sweetie, and… we can talk about that later, but right now, I’ve got to help Rarity with something. We’ll be back in a few days.”

        “What?” I shrieked, stumbling back, fire freezing. “You! You’re leaving again? But I thought… What’s so important you have to leave me?”

        “I was about to ask the same question,” Twilight said, locked in a stare down with my sister. “Why in Equestria would you leave Sweetie the same day she got out of the hospital. The day she was released into your custody.”

        “To prove her mom loves her!” Rarity yelled, stomping a hoof. It probably would have been more intimidating if she wasn’t standing in carpet. “I cannot bear her going a single second thinking she lacks maternal love. If I have to journey to the ends of Equestria to retrieve my mother so she can tell Sweetie the truth, I will.”

        “The truth!” Twilight stomped closer to Rarity. “And just what truth is that? The truth that–”

        “That Sweetie’s mother loves her. Loves her more than life itself. Would do anything to make her feel better.” A strand of loose hair popped from Rarity’s perfectly coiffed mane. “Sweetie must understand that.”

        “But she doesn’t!” I yelled, jumping in between the two of them. “If she loved me, if she’d do all that stuff you said she’d do, she’d be in this room, but instead, she’s off on vacation to wherever. If my mom loved me, she’d be here with me right now. It…It hurts that she doesn’t love me, that she abandoned me, but I don’t need–”

        “Say no more, Sweetie. I will fetch her, and she will tell you the truth. In fact, Twilight, can you cast a truth spell on her, correct?”

        “Rarity, this is… you really don’t need to do any of this,” Twilight said, the two still glaring at each other through me. “Just tell her. I know her recovery is important to you, but I think–”

        “Could somepony please tell me what’s going on?” I yelled, butting my head against my sister’s, our horns locking. “Is that too much to ask for? Not to be lied to?” My anger flamed out, and I slumped against my sister. “Please don’t leave me, I just… if you’re dying, I don’t want you gone for a single second. I don’t care about anything else. I want to spend as much time with you as possible, before...”

        The room was so silent, I could hear my own heart beating. For a second, nopony was even breathing. “Dying?” Rarity asked. “Sweetie, whatever gave you that idea?”

        “You just… you look so sad all the time, and you’re keeping secrets from me, and you want me to love my mom, because you know you won’t be here much longer.” I wailed, my well of tears deeper than I thought. “I’m sorry for being so bad and not spending the last few years with you, I just… I just don’t want my sister to leave me.”

        Rarity sighed, letting me sink deeper into her chest while I wrapped my forehooves around her neck. “You still think this is better than not telling her the truth?” Twilight asked.

        “No… I suppose not. Sweetie, please sit down and try to calm yourself. I assure you, I’m not dying anytime soon,” Rarity said as my grip failed and I slumped onto the floor.

        “You might not be dying at all, depending on how the Elements affect pony physiology,” Twilight said.

        “Not now, Twilight, dear,” Rarity said, before taking a breath. “No, now it’s time for me to… Oh, dear, Sweetie, I really imagined telling you this later, once you had time to properly recover and settle down. How do I even start telling you the truth? Do you remember, years ago, when I spoke about my youthful promiscuity?” While she talked, Twilight trotted to Scootaloo and ushered her out to one of the suite’s bedrooms.

        I nodded, flashing back to her talk about relationship stuff, a little aside echoing in my ears. At least now I don’t have to worry about you getting pregnant at fourteen. Wait. Was she–

        “Yes, well, I… Oh dear, Sweetie, I…” Tears welled up in her eyes, now. Great, I’d made my… I’d made her cry. “Sweetie, one night, something… the most incredibly wonderful thing happened. One night, I… I love you, Sweetie Belle, I just… Sweetie Belle, you know I love you, right?”

        “Yeah,” I whispered, numb and cold with nothing to breathe. 

        “Then you know your mother loves you.”

        Oh. A hundred conversations replayed in my head. Your mother loves you, Sweetie Belle, never doubt that.

        If my mom loved me, she wouldn’t have abandoned me.

        She stared at me, eyes searching for any reaction as tears spilled out. “I understand if you hate me now, I… it’s all my fault this happened to you. If I had actually been a proper mother to you, if I hadn’t… Sweetie, I’m so sorry for everything bad that happened to you. If I had just… If I had been the mother you needed… But I was so scared, and I didn’t even know how to be a mother back then. I was so selfish and awful, and I should’ve been better for you. I regret those first years so much, Sweetie Belle.”

        I frowned, struggling to get words out as the world shattered and reformed like a kaleidoscope, new patterns obliterating old, my sister dissolving in front of me, spiraling into something else. “You… regret me?”

        Rarity wailed and shook her head. “No, Sweetie, you must believe that. Never you. I regret… I regret giving you to my parents, taking their offer, I regret my failure to be there in the way you needed me, I regret so much, but not you. Never you. You are the great light in my life that pulled me up from the dregs of equinity, and seeing how much my failings harmed you…” She burst out into another round of sobs. “I understand if you don’t wish to see me, of course, I’ve…” She sniffled. “I’ve saved up enough money you can buy a small house somewhere out of the way and not have to worry about work or the prying eyes of the media. Let it be my last gift to you.”

        The new image clicked into place. I saw a mare hating herself because of something she did, something she’d do anything to make up for. I saw– “Mom!” I shouted, throwing my hooves around the best mom in the world, hoping to give her the best hug in the world. Our cheeks nuzzled and tears of joy and sadness mingled. ”I love you, Mom. Sorry about all that stuff I said.”

        Mom looked at me, looking for some sign I was lying. “You…” She sniffed. “You really mean that? Even after I was so terribly distant to you those first few years, after I–”

        “Stop it,” I said, acting way more confident than I felt. “You… you did something when you were younger than you regret, but… that’s fine? You keep telling me I shouldn’t beat myself up over what I did in the penthouse and how mean I was to you, and… I don’t think I got it. I still don’t think I get it, but seeing you hate yourself like this, I don’t like it. So…” I rubbed the back of my head. “I know what it’s like to mess up as a teenager, too, right? So, if you do your best not to beat yourself up over giving me to Mom... Old Mom... Grandma? I’ll do my best not to beat myself up over the whole being the worst pon– I’ll do my best not to beat myself up over what I did. Deal?”

        She stared at me, eyes drying, and nodded. “It’s a deal, Sweetie. And thank you.”

        “Don’t think me,” I said, getting up to my hooves and trying not to jump around Twilight’s nice hotel suite. “I just did what my Mom raised me to do. Thank her.”

        My mom floated tissue over for the both of us to use. “Well, who would have suspected your first day out of the hospital would be so… eventful?”

        “Yep,” I said, taking the tissue and drying my eyes before pulling the hoofmirror out of Rari– Mom’s saddlebags. “And you know what?”

        “What?” she asked, dabbing away at the black mascara stains on her cheek.

        “I don’t feel like my recovery was jeopardized at all!” I said, laughing at the wave of enthusiasm that’d swept through me. How long had it been since I felt this good? At least three years. Shush, not listening to those voices today. Or… ever, hopefully, but definitely not today. 

        “Yes, I suppose I deserved that,” Mom said, floating out the comb as we both looked into the mirror. We looked like… well, like we both spent an hour sobbing hysterically, but there was a smile on both our lips, and a warmth in Mom’s eyes I hadn’t seen in… maybe ever. A warmth in both our eyes. “Now, we must make ourselves presentable before we face Twilight and Scootaloo. Well, I suppose ‘must’ is a bit of a strong word, but still… I’d prefer it, if that’s okay with you, Sweetie.”

        “So,” I said, looking at the door Twilight and Scootaloo had disappeared through. “Twilight knows, but does…”

        “No,” Mom said, shaking her head. “She could have found out, but she let me keep my secret. Do you wish to break the news to her?”

        I nodded. “Yes please.”

        “Very well,” she said, giving her mane one last bounce and laughing. “Lead on, daughter.”

        I sprinted over and threw the door to Twilight’s room open (it was definitely her room, one half of it looked like a book factory exploded and the other half was meticulously neat) with a bang of magic. I opened my mouth to make my grand announcement.

        “Hey,” Scootaloo said, stealing my thunder. “You feeling better?”

        “Yes!” I said, trotting in place, waiting for my Mom to catch up to me. “And I have great news! The best news! Rarity isn’t actually the best sister in the world, she’s–” I bounced into the air, leaping over my sister. For a second, I hung at the top of my jump. “The best Mom in the world.”

        My hooves hit the ground, Scootaloo blinked, and Twilight wore her best ‘I told you so’ smile. Mom grinned sheepishly at Twilight. (Would I have to call her mom now, too? Or dad? Actually, what about Dad?) Twilight nodded, smile growing. Apology accepted.

        “So…” Scootaloo’s back end plomped down on the ground. “That actually makes sense. Like, a scary amount of sense. You two are okay now?”

        Mom nodded while I danced circles around her. “We’re great,” I singsonged.

        Twilight whispered something to Scootaloo, and a big dumb grin launched on Scootaloo’s face. “I know, isn’t it awesome?” 

        “Isn’t what awesome?” I asked, trotting up to Scootaloo. “That my sister’s actually my mom? That my mom loves me? That my mom is Rarity? What could be greater?”

        “Twilight was saying how you were acting just like a filly again,” Scootaloo said, the soft sound of hooves on deep carpet approaching behind me.

        “I wasn’t saying it was a good thing,” Twilight mumbled at the edge of hearing.

        “What’s bad about me being happy and fillyish?” I asked, looking back to my sister who was giving Twilight a look that would be very unhappy if Twilight didn’t choose her next words carefully.

        “Nothing, I was just observing how extreme the change in behavior was,” Twilight said.

        “It’s like we’ve got the old Sweetie back,” Scootaloo said, still grinning. I winced. There went that good mood.

        “Yep, it sure is,” I said, struggling to keep up a flagging smile. “Really great.” I took a deep breath. Be honest with them. We know how well hiding things goes. “Could we not talk about the old ‘me’s’, though? I don’t really like any of them, and… I’d just appreciate it.”

        “What are you talking about?” Scootaloo asked, scrunching up her forehead. “The old you was awesome. You know, before Bright Lights started messing with your head.”

        “She really wasn’t,” I grumbled. 

        Mom smiled and stepped between us. “Now, Scootaloo, isn’t it enough that our Sweetie’s feeling happy and well again? Must we make things more difficult by bringing up unpleasant memories?”

        Scootaloo shrugged. “I guess. I didn’t think that stuff was so bad, but if she wants to sulk about it.”

        I glared and took a step forward. Mom moved to block my view of Scootaloo. “Scootaloo, dear, we really should be supportive of our Sweetie in this time of need. If that means not drawing comparisons to her past self, then that’s exactly what we’ll–”

        “Hey, you know what I’d kill for right now? A bath. Does the royal suite have a tub?” I said, cutting off my mom before she could give the ‘poor Sweetie’ speech. At least she hadn’t mentioned jeopardizing my recovery since she made the switch from sister to mom. 

        “Actually, we have a jacuzzi in the recreation room,” Twilight said. “That would just be through that door.” She pointed a hoof in the right direction. She stretched her wings. “If you want to go ahead, I’ll probably be there in a few minutes. You wouldn’t believe how stiff your wings get if you don’t use them.”

        “There’s a hot tub?” I asked, ears perking up as I trotted towards the door and away from Scootaloo and Mom. “I have to see that. Is it alright if I use the hot tub, Mom?”

        “Of course, Sweetie,” she said, looking from Scootaloo to me and flashing a smile. “Think of this hotel room as your home as long as you’re here.”

        I gave the three a little smile as I trotted from Twilight’s bedroom and into the recreation room and immediately tripped over my jaw.

        The recreation room had everything you could use to recreate. Well, not everything, I didn’t see any big piles of drugs and alcohol, but it had everything else. It had a fountain, some massage tables (but no masseuse ponies – available on request, I guess), a door to what looked like a sauna, workout equipment, and… why was there fencing equipment? I shook my head. Rarit– Mom had all this here, but instead she spent her days and nights in the hospital with me. She could have been enjoying herself, but instead– I promised I wasn’t going to do that stuff anymore. Besides, if I hadn’t had my breakdown, she wouldn’t have been here at all, so really, it kind of… worked out?

        There, I wasn’t beating myself up. Progress. I’d probably try to beat myself up over lots of other stuff, but right now, I was good. I let myself smile at that for a second as I trotted over to the hot tub and lowered myself in, warm bubbles tickling my coat. Water flowed around me as I closed my eyes and leaned back against my seat, back legs floating in the water. I sank deeper into the water and let time flow around me, enjoying the quiet. No voices, no talking; just me, bubbly hot water, and a ton of silence filling empty time.

        “Hey, Sweetie.” I opened my eyes to see the purple princess of friendship trotting towards me. “Do you mind if I join you?” She flexed her wings. “These wings get kind of stiff if you don’t work them out enough.”

        “Go ahead,” I said, a purr in my voice as the jets pummeled into me. “It’s your room, right? Or… I guess the Princess Suite is more of  a floor than a room, considering how many regular rooms it has.”

        She smiled as she joined me in sinking down to a warm bubbly oblivion. “You’re telling me. You haven’t even seen the guest rooms, have you? You’ll have your very own bed and bath, that I want you to think of as your space. Feel free to do whatever you want with it as long as you’re here. We also have a room at the castle set aside just for you.”

        “Thanks,” I said, mouth just barely above the waterline. “Uhmm… sorry for causing you and Mom to get into a fight.”

        She shrugged. “It happens. I’m just glad she finally told you the truth so I can stop nagging her about it. She was terrified she’d never see you again when you finally learned the truth.”

        I saw her in my mind, sobbing, not even begging for forgiveness, just apologizing for her mistake. I shuddered. How did she not know how much I loved her? Because you stormed off and didn’t talk to her for three years. “Yeah, I noticed,” I finally said.

        Twilight peeked one eye open and waved a hoof through the water, watching the ripples it made on the surface. “So…” Twilight said, “I’m not sure what to talk about. There aren’t many books on what to say when your marefriend’s sister finds out she’s actually her daughter. I don’t even know how I should talk to you... should I be more parental, or friendly? You’re already basically an adult, but–”

        “You’re doing fine,” I said, waving a hoof at her. “You’re more involved than Dad… or Grandpa. And actual Dad, I guess. Hey, did Mom ever tell you what happened to him?”

        “She told me what should happen to him. In detail, actually, but… No, all I ever got from her was that the day after she told him the news, he’d packed his bags for Hoofington,” Twilight said before dunking her head under the water for a second.

        “Well then, you’re definitely doing better than him,” I said, giving her a smile and letting my hoof drop back into the waiting water.

        “Oh,” Twilight said, fidgeting in her seat. “Then… Can I ask you about what happened back there?”

        “If I knew all the way, I’d tell you, but I don’t. It’s just…” I joined her in swishing a hoof and watched the whirls of water spinning around. “I don’t feel like I can be myself with them. Like, they’ve done so much, and they just want the old Sweetie back. That’s not too much to give them, right? I spent years as her, so going back shouldn’t be too bad, but I just… can’t.”

        “Hmm…” Twilight said, narrowing her eyes at me. “Were you pretending when you told us Rarity was your mom?”

        I shook my head, long strands of mane flicking water bits of water into the air. “No! I haven’t been so happy in years. It’s just… the minute Scootaloo reminded me I was acting like her, it all vanished.”

        “Okay,” Twilight said, closing her eyes and letting the bubbling of the hot tub dominate the conversation for a minute. “So are you saying you don’t want to be like your old self?”

        “Maybe?” I said, frowning. “Old me was happy, and better than Manehattan me, but… even if I could go back to being her, a bit of me thinks I shouldn’t. But then I think ‘what’s wrong with being happy?’ and… I don’t know, it’s confusing.”

        “Well,” Twilight said, sitting up to spread her wings and let them soak unfurled. “Maybe… Doctor Hooves will be stopping by tomorrow, maybe you should spend some time thinking about the type of pony you want to be and talk with him about it. Ask yourself, what type of pony do you want to be?”


♪♪♪


        I sat in the dream hub while Luna was away on business, focusing my attention on the collection of gems that loosely represented Hoofington, catching glimpses into the dreams of its stallions. Well, and mares, but I didn’t spend too much time on their dreams. They weren’t important. 

        One stallion dreamed of trotting down a road, carrying something on his back. Next. Another dreamed of eating something purple and glowing with his wife. The stallion I was looking for wouldn’t have a wife. Next. A mare. Next. What are you even looking for? My father. Next. And what makes you think he dreams of you and Mom every night? Do you imagine him to be so racked with guilt he hasn’t moved on in the intervening eighteen years? Next. He probably has a wife and daughter of his own, they adore him, knowing nothing of his shameful little secret. Next. Oh, you don’t like that idea, do you? The stallion who abandoned you being a loving– I pulled my eyes away from the gem and screwed the thought shut, keeping as much pressure on the lid as I could. Next. Next. Next.

        I sighed and slumped onto the not-ground. The voice in my head was probably right. Why would he dream about me? He didn’t even know me. Nonsense, he knew your mother, he knows she’s the Element of Generosity, and he knows her suspiciously-younger ‘sister’ is headline news. He knows everything that happened to you and didn’t lift a hoof. And just whose side are you supposed to be on? Not yours.

        Great. Now the bad voices in my head were starting to sound like my good voices. I imagined a hard wall so I could bang my head against it, feeling the dream pain’s dull imitation of real pain. I shook my head, dispelling the wall. If I wanted to find him, I’d have to be smarter. Maybe… I whirled around, looking through the cyclone of gems until I found the purple diamond I needed. Mom. She knew what he looked like. At least, she knew what he used to look like. Maybe I could use that? Just get into her dream and get her to dream of him. 
        
        Sap-green magic flicked to life around my horn before grabbing the gem and pulling it closer so I could get a good look into her dream. It was… dark. Like, actually dark. As in, so dark, I could barely make my mom out sitting in the corner sobbing. “It’s a terrible dream, and we hoped it would not visit her tonight,” Luna said, appearing from behind me.

        “Oh, Luna,” I said, floating the gem back to its place, “I was just–”

        “We know what you sought. You attempted to use your dream powers to gaze into the minds of my little ponies to answer questions of paternity. I have been watching you quite intently these last few minutes, seeing just what you’d do,” she said, glaring down at me and putting her full height on display – or maybe just making me shorter.

        “So… you’re mad at me for looking in on ponies’ dreams?” I asked, stepping away from the princess.

        She shook her head. “No, any dream warden must engage in some level of voyeurism, and to speak truth, gazing on my ponies’ happier dreams is something of a pleasure to me. The reward for constant vigilance. I intervened because of the terrible thing I know you were plotting.”

        “And what’s that?” I asked while Luna grabbed the gem with her magic and floated it right in front of me, forcing me to see the way my mom sobbed in big shuddering breaths, clutching tight to nothing.

        “Your mother is in a nightmare, and you sought to bring such an unpleasant memory to bear against her? We may tolerate and encourage a level of voyeurism, but to bring pain to a charge for your own benefit? Do not try that again. Do not even think it again.” I tried to look away from the gem but her magic wrenched my head tight, forcing me to keep my eyes on Mom, to soak up every detail of her suffering. “Look upon abject misery, Sweetie, and promise me you will do nothing to increase it in my realm.”

        “I promise,” I said, feeling like the worst mare in Equestria for actually good reasons this time as Luna’s grip on my neck vanished. “So… you’re going to help her, right?”

        Luna shook her head. “I have tried, and while her dreams are trending back towards light, she does not heed my words. Perhaps it’s callous, but I would rather spend my efforts on ponies who might respond to them. Besides, she is doing better. I see no monsters shaped like your parents tearing her from limb to limb.” 

        She tried to float the gem back to its place, but I grabbed it with my own magic and brought it back to her. She was my mom and maybe I’d gotten carried away in my plan to find him, but I wasn’t going to leave her like this. “No!” I said, stomping my hoof into the mist. “You can’t leave her like this, she’s hurting, and… you don’t leave hurting ponies behind. There has to be something you can do.”

        “Oh, Sweetie, there’s nothing I can do,” Luna said, eyes glinting. “She won’t listen to me, but perhaps you…” Her horn lit up and a burst of energy struck the purple gem, causing it to twist and contort into a portal. “You could calm her nightmare. If you choose to, of course.”

        How could I say no? She was my mom, and she needed me to tell her everything was going to be okay. In real life and her dreams, apparently. “Alright, what do I do?”

        “The easiest thing is to walk into the dream. The harder part is keeping yourself consistent in the dream. Her mind will try to get you to act in her nightmares, and it’s imperative you don’t give in to those urges. Doing so would be disastrous,” Luna said, taking a step closer to the portal. I gulped.

        “How disastrous?” I asked, suddenly not wanting to move my hooves.

        “Losing all sense of self and existing as a fractured ghost in her mind, trying to get out,” Luna said. “Don’t worry, Sweetie, I’ll be staying here to supervise and ensure you can exit safely. Do you remember the warding spells I taught you?”

        I nodded. “I do, but… I think they’re a bit too complicated for me to cast.”

        Luna shook her head and sighed. “Sweetie, we are still in the Dreaming. If you can conceptualize it and believe it, you can do it.”

        “Right,” I said, remembering my dreams of flight the night before and calling up the complicated magical diagram of Luna’s warding spell, lines of magic looping and wrapping around each other. I traced the flows of magic around each other, feeling the way they squirmed and bent and warped the dream magic around me to mimic their patterns. I finished the tracing and a sense of solidity settled in my stomach. It wasn’t like anything was different about me, I just felt more like… me. Everything I was, I was more. And just what are you? Not important right now. 

        “Good job,” Luna said, spreading a wing and pushing me towards the portal. “Your mother might be wrapped up in dream logic, so just… bear with her. A guilty mind can be impervious to reason.” Yeah, no kidding.

        “So… remember who I am and keep her dream from getting worse while I talk to her,” I asked, bringing a hoof to the threshold and pausing. I’d cast my spell, Luna was coming with me, I’d be fine. Probably. Unless I had one of my attacks and went insane inside my mom’s dream. That could be… Well, that was what Luna was for. In case she had to stop me. I closed my eyes and took a breath. “I can do this.”

        A wing tip brushed my mane, and I felt a momentary urge to run screaming from the touch. I don’t know why, but some touches still freaked me out. A lot of stupid little things still freaked me out. “I know you can, Sweetie, if I doubted you, I wouldn’t have you do this.”

        “Hey,” I said, giving myself another second before I had to cross the threshold. “How did you know…?”

        “That Rarity is your mother? Or how did I know you knew?” Luna asked. I looked behind me to see her smiling. “For the first, I’d remind you that I can see into her dreams, and for the second… I can think of very few other reasons why you’d be interested in the dreams of Hoofington’s stallions.”

        “Fair enough,” I said, before feeling her wing pushing against my rump. Another breath and I passed through the threshold, feeling the tingle of magic running down my body as I entered a world with its own rules and quirks. As I entered the world my Mom had made. I smiled and took a step towards her. “Hey, Mom,” I said, scanning the world around me. It looked like I was in the Carousel Boutique, but it was completely empty, with just a few boxes in it, like she’d just moved in.

        She looked up at me, frowning. “Sweetie…? Is that you? But how did you get so big? You were just a little foal a few minutes ago. Back when they…” She sniffled and burst into tears. “When they took you awaaaaayy.” I sighed. Of course there was going to be drama, it was my Mom’s dream. Not like you’re much better. Shut up. “Your whole fillyhood’s gone, and I was too busy sobbing to spend it with you.”

        “No you didn’t,” I said, plopping down to sit next to her. “You were a great mom-slash-sister? Remember that time you spent the Sisterhooves Social with me? When you ran that whole relay race covered in mud just for me?”

        Mom’s frown deepened as the memories translated over to dream-her. “I do, I also remember being completely awful to you before that. If I had been a better mother, I’d–”

        I put my hoof up to cover her mouth and shushed my own mom. “But you were a better mother. You were better than your mom; she would’ve never tried to make up for her mistake, she probably wouldn’t even have admitted to making a mistake, and you weren’t that bad ever again. Yeah, you made some mistakes, but it’s not like you knew better, and once you did know better, you did better. I think that’s pretty good.” But seriously, wasn’t I supposed to be the one recovering from mental damage? 

She spent a whole month helping nurse you back to health. You can spend a few hours helping her. Of course I could, it just felt... weird. Seeing her this vulnerable and open. Like, she’d always kept this shell around her that I couldn’t quite pierce. She would, wouldn’t she? She had to to keep herself from pouring out.

Mom looked up at me, cheeks soaked with tears but her mascara still flawless. Even in her nightmares, her makeup didn’t run. “But… But I gave you to them.” On cue, Mom and– Well, Grandma and Grandpa walked through the door.

“Yes, yes you did,” Grandma said, looming pink and large over Mom and me, threatening to squash us with her hoof. “And now look, she came crawling back to you. You know that’s not part of the deal. She’s our daughter now, not yours.”

“No!” I said, jumping between Mom and her nightmare. “She’s my mom and I’m not going to leave her. Definitely not for you. She loves me, she’s there whenever I need her, while you abandoned me for an entire year.” My horn ignited and a blast of magic hit my grandma, size burned off her and she shrank down. Down to our size. Down smaller. Down to where she could fit in my hoof. 

“You want some too, grandpa?” I asked, horn still primed with green magic. The stallion I once called dad shook his head and sprinted away, straw hat blowing off in his retreat.”

“Hey, Mom,” I said, looking back at her. She’d dried her eyes and was now looking between me and her own mom, eyes narrowed. “Is there anything else you want to say?

“Just one more thing, Sweetie,” she said, getting to her hooves and grabbing her mother with her magic, floating her by the tail up to eye level. “I told you my peace the day I kicked you out of my life. Now, I think it’s time you leave my dreams. Goodbye, Mother.” She gave her mom a little telekinetic flick, and grandma went flying out the door and over several hills before vanishing into the horizon. She turned to me, all signs of crying vanished and that cunning intelligence in her mind.

“So…” she said, tapping a hoof. “I’m having a dream – not a nightmare, but a proper dream – with my daughter.” She shook her head. “Of course I am, I told you the truth today, it makes sense that I’d dream about it tonight. I’d ask you if you really forgave me, but… this is my dream, you’ll just tell me whatever I want to hear.”

“No, I won’t,” I said. “It’s me, the real Sweetie. My drug binge gave me some weird dream powers, and now I can be like a tinier, less-powerful Princess Luna.”

My mom just laughed. “Well, that’s not exactly what I expected to hear, but I suppose my subconscious is creative enough to hatch up an inventive story like that. Oh, maybe I should be a writer, with stories like that.”

I groaned and conjured up another brick wall I could thunk my head against. “I’m not a dream, I’m–” I growled and threw my forelegs around her in a hug. “Just sit down and let me tell you everything’s okay, alright?”

My mom sat. I nodded my head and hugged her tighter.

“Good.” Now what could I say to make her feel better? Before I could think about it further, the answer came to me fully formed. “Hush, Mom, and dream a dream of all the things tomorrow’ll bring. Dream of all the time we have and everything in front of us…” I trailed off, trying to figure out how the rest of the song went. Improvising song lyrics on the fly was hard.

“Dream of a tomorrow where we’re better than before.
Dream of the day when we’ve banished ghosts of yore,
when the day comes, 
when we greet the sun.
Dream of all the things we’ll do.
Maybe an afternoon at the zoo,
or a day in a canoe.”

        Okay, I really needed to get off that ‘oo’ sound.

“Dream of evenings as a family,
with you, Twilight, and me.
Silly nights of board games, and
building castles in the sand.”

        Mom had gotten heavy in my grip. I conjured a chaise beneath us and lowered her down onto it. Huh, who knew you could fall asleep in a dream.

“But most importantly, please dream of me
and know I’ll always love you.”

        I nodded. It wasn’t completely awful as first songs went. I smiled at Mom, who’d seemed to enjoy it enough. Either that, or it was so boring it’d sent her to sleep. I frowned at that. Hopefully not, but either way, she wasn’t having a nightmare anymore. I gave her one last smile and turned away, channeling dream magic out of my horn and creating my bridge back to the hub. Luna stood on her side of the divide, gesturing me to come over to her. I nodded and stepped across, feeling the familiar tingle of magic as I crossed the divide. 

        “So,” I said as Luna closed the rift. “Will she remember any of this in the morning?”

        Luna nodded. “Some. The important parts.” She smiled at me. “Enough, I think, to make her nightmares of losing you a thing of the past.”

        “Thanks,” I said, looking up at her. “So, how did I do? I gave being you my best shot.’

        “And you performed admirably,” Luna said, turning her attention back to the sea of gems rotating around us. “And it’s good to see you put your anxiety of singing behind you.”

        “What?” I asked, giving a squeak and jumping up into the air. I’d… I’d  sung. I smiled and tried hum one of my favorite show tunes, but my throat clamped shut like a vice. Great, and I was right back to not being able to sing. “How come I could sing when I wasn’t thinking about it, but the moment I actually try to sing, I– Oh.”

        Luna raised an eyebrow. “Did somepony answer her own question?”

        “Maybe,” I said, pawing a hoof at the invisible ground in the starry void Luna called her hub. “So what am I supposed to do, though? Just not think of singing and hope I can occasionally burst out into a musical number? Because that doesn’t happen nearly often enough.” I sighed and summoned my favorite brick wall for head-thunking. Thunk. 

        “That is a possibility, but perhaps it would be more productive for us to examine why you could sing with your mother and why you can’t sing normally,” Luna said, a wave of magic rippling from her horn and bringing us into one of my classrooms from the Academy. I sat behind the only desk in the room while Luna stood in front of a chalkboard, piece of white chalk gripped firmly in her magic. In a flurry of magic, she wrote ‘DIFFERENCES’ at the top of the board and then drew a line down from the center of the word cutting the board in half. “So, what was different about this instance than the other hundred times you tried singing, Sweetie?”

        “I don’t know,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “I wasn’t thinking about it?”

        “Really?” she asked, bringing the chalk an inch from the board. “It strikes me as implausible that you could improvise a whole song without thinking about it. If you can, then you must be a truly prodigious musical genius.”

        “Maybe I thought about it a little,” I said, bringing my head down on the desk. An instant later, a piece of chalk bounced off my mane.

        “You will sit up straight in my classroom, Sweetie,” Luna said, a pair of black-rimmed glasses resting on her muzzle. “Tell me, does this make me look more academic? Perhaps more intimidating, as a good teacher should be.”

        “I don’t think teachers are supposed to be intimidating,” I said, making sure I was sitting up right. “Like, the only teacher I know who was intimidating was Mr. Marelon, and he got fired after a week at the Academy.”

        “Indeed?” Luna asked, raising an eyebrow and magically tying her mane into a ponytail. Somehow, the half after the scrunchie still blew in the unfelt wind, while the part before it was static. How did the princesses’ magic manes work? “Then how do teachers command obedience?”

        “They… uhmm… I think they inspire. You know, like encouraging their students to want to learn,” I said, looking up at her.

        “We will have to speak with Miss Octavia about this later,” she said, shaking her head and turning back to the board. “Now tell me, what was different about tonight?”

        “I don’t know,” I said, chewing on my inside cheek. “I… I was just trying to make my mom feel better and wasn’t worrying about everypony liking me.”

        Luna spun away from the board to look at me. “Ah! A clue, are you saying you normally sing so ponies will like you?”

        “Yeah…” I said, frowning. What was wrong with that? Everypony wanted to be liked. “I sang songs that made ponies happy, and they liked me because of that. I enjoy singing too, but…”

        “The performance and validation aspects became your primary drives,” Luna said, ignoring the board. “It wasn’t enough to sing and entertain, you needed to feed on the approval that came with it.”

        “But that’s dumb,” I said, waving a hoof. “I haven’t been trying to sing for approval since I got back, I just want to be able to sing.” I laughed unfunnily. “Do you know what it’s like, not being able to do your special talent? To have this mark on you saying you’re supposed to sing, but then having your throat close up tight every time you try?”

        “It isn’t pleasant, I know. Probably worse for you, since you’re nominally free, but still bound by the past. At least I was properly imprisoned.” She turned back to her board and started marking one side. “So, we know that in your old performances you sang for yourself, ultimately. You fed off the adoration of your audience. In this instance, however, you sang for Rarity, to help her feel better and calm her fears. While it might not be the cause of the change, it’s still a difference worth noting, agreed?”

        “Sure,” I said, my head drooping low for a second before I picked it back up. “So…” What were some other differences? “Oh! This wasn’t a completely happy song. Most of the songs I sang, they were really happy. You know, you can’t make ponies happy if you sing about bad things. Nopony wants to hear about them, but this one… maybe it wasn’t sad, but it knew sad stuff existed. Do you think that’s important?”

        Luna nodded and made some more marks. “Indeed, would it be fair to say that this song was genuine, in contrast to your other songs?”

        I tilted my head at her. “What do you mean? All my songs were real, somepony wrote them and I actually sang them. Oh! I made up this song myself – well, I used Mom’s lullaby as a basis, but the lyrics were mostly my own.”

        “Another factor to consider,” Luna said, working to fill up both sides of the board with her notes. “And what I mean by genuine is this: the song you sang for your mother was unashamedly yours. It was your words, and it sprung from an emotional place inside you. It reflected what you felt. The other songs did not. They were sung to make ponies happy or because the production demanded it. Either way, they were not at all tied to your emotional state Perhaps try something different.”

        “But nopony wants to hear those songs,” I said, groaning and rolling my eyes. “They want a bunch of silly fun songs. They don’t want sad song. They don’t want songs about what actually happened to me.”

        “I’d be interested in hearing such songs – and considering there’s a whole genre of music called ‘blues’, I’d hazard a guess that there are other ponies who share my proclivities,” Luna said, her horn flashing and sending us back to the hub. “Try it. Maybe you won’t have the same audience you did before, but it might be just what you need.”

        “I’ll try,” I said, looking away from her to the wall of gems behind her. I laughed. “Besides, it’s not like my career can get any worse right now. If I’m going to be shunned anyways, I might as well sing what I want, right?”

        “Indeed,” Luna said. “So, it seems you had a rather busy day. You got out of the hospital, learned your true parentage, and we worked on your fear of singing. Did anything else interesting happen today?”

        “Well,” I frowned. “It might not be as big as all that other stuff, but Twilight asked me a question I’ve kind of been thinking about ever since.”


♪♪♪


        “Hey, Mom,”  I said, cracking the door to her bedroom open. “Sauna?”

        “You’re up,” Mom said, poking her head out of the bathroom, a foamy toothbrush floating next to her and froth coming out of her mouth.

        “Right,” I said, nodding my head. “So, sauna? I have another hour before I have to worry about Doctor Hooves getting here. I thought we could do some mother-daughter bonding stuff. You know, only if you want to, though.”

        “Of course I want to,” she said. “Just… let me finish brushing my teeth first?”

        “I’ll get it set up.” I trotted through the room, looking around. No Twilight. I hadn’t seen her in the living room either. Was she in the rec room or… I heard another voice from the bathroom. Oh, that made sense. Who could pass up the chance to shower with their special somepony? Definitely not me. I tightened down on the itch that thought awoke. Nope, not important right now. Not that I had anypony to help scratch. Well, yourself. 

        I shook my head. Either way, I wasn’t going to do it now. I trotted across the recreation room and opened the door to the sauna. Still super warm, but dry. I grabbed the ladle hanging off the bucket of water and dipped it, filling it, and bringing it up to be poured on to the hot coal. Huh, why didn’t they ever have to change the coals? Magic, probably. The whole room’s probably fireproofed, too. 

        Steam rose up from the coals with a hiss, and I nodded, giving the coals another ladleful of water. That should do it. I gave it a smile and sat on one of the benches, waiting for my mom. Closing my eyes, I leaned my head back against the wood panelling and waited until I heard the door creak open.

        “Hey,” I said. opening one eye to see Mom trotting in, mane not styled at all. I pointed a hoof at it. “You alright?”

        “Hmm… Oh, yes,” she said, nodding and sitting next to me. “I just didn’t want to style my mane before letting the sauna undo all my hard work. It’s better to just deal with it later.”

        “Alright,” I said, sitting up straighter. “So… I’d like to talk to you about something. Something you mentioned yesterday. It just… I thought of it last night or this morning,, and it’s been bugging me ever since.”

        Mom nodded. “Yes, I suppose it was a bit much to hope the whole issue had been completely resolved and this was just an invitation to enjoy the sauna with my daughter.”

        “Well, it’s also that,” I said, “but I’m just curious about something.”

        “Of course,” Mom said. Next to her, I felt the heat of the sauna cling to my coat, feeling like a twenty pound weight had been tied to me. I exhaled as sweat was drawn out of my body. “I’m guessing it’s about why I gave you up?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “When you were sobbing about giving me up and being selfish and awful, I kind of figured that part out, and I get it. I… probably would’ve done the same thing if it’d been me. What I’m curious about is why did you change? Why did you go from being scared and selfish to awesome and good? I guess part of it could be the Sisterhooves Social, but you were already the Bearer of Generosity by then, so… what changed?”

“Ah,” Mom said, a smile flicking on her lips. “You caught that. Well, the answer is… it was you, Sweetie. Well, in a way. When my parents sent me to that retreat to have you, I spent a lot of time working on my dresses, but I still got to observe the mares who lived there, and they confused me. They were the exact opposite of me and my parents. They’d so gladly do anything to help me or anypony else who asked.They all seemed so happy even though they spent their days helping others, and I couldn’t figure out why.”

Next to me, I saw sweat or steam collecting on my mom’s coat, turning into little beads of dew. “Silly me, but of course, I couldn’t understand it. I grew up with my parents. Anyways, once I had you and gave you up, I had a few more weeks to spend at the retreat and decided to help the mares there with their work. Something about that clicked with me, there was this… completeness I got from helping other ponies that I’d never experienced before.”

“Okay,” I said, nodding my head. “So, that’s how you got to be Generosity, I guess, but how come you were still kind of a bad mom for a few years?”

“Lessons take some time to sink in, Sweetie,” she said, closing her eyes. “And despite how much I loathed her, Mother still shaped the way I raised you. I tried to be better, to be involved in your life to a degree she wasn’t, and up until the Social, I thought I was doing well. Perhaps I was doing better, but… I owe Applejack an immeasurable debt for teaching me how to be a good ‘big sister.’”

“Alright,” I said, giving her a hug and leaning in close. “That’s… thanks.”

“For what?” Rarity asked, eyes now open and tilting her head. “I was awful, Sweetie.”

“First, you promised,” I said, narrowing my eyes at her. “And second for showing that a pony as good as you could also have been as bad as me. Like, if you could put all that badness aside and learn to be good, maybe I’m not completely hopeless either.”

She leaned over and brushed a strand of mane away from my eyes. “Anytime, Sweetie.”

I smiled over at her, ignoring the strangeness of the both of us being at eye level. “It makes me feel like… like maybe I can be somepony better than I was. It’s a nice feeling.”


♪♪♪


        “What do you want to be?” Doctor Hooves asked. We both sat in Twilight’s living room. I reclined on one of the chaises Mom brought, and he sat on an over-plush chair, the Manehattan skyline and a long drop behind him. A shiver went up me as I remembered those last minutes in the penthouse, how I threw myself against the glass. Twilight said the windows were enchanted to be unbreakable, but… Well, Mom promised we’d go out sooner or later, and I’d feel a lot better if my hooves were on solid ground.

        “I don’t know… Happy?” I asked, rolling my head away from him and the fall and focusing on the less-threatening ceiling.

        “Everypony wants to be happy, Sweetie. What do you want to be? You’ve been given the opportunity to reinvent yourself, to shape yourself however you choose. What do you want the new you to look like?”

        The back of my head thunked against the soft padding of Rarity’s chaise. “I don’t know. I… I’d like to be good? You know, not like how I was. I want to help my friends and be nice to them. To not be selfish and awful.”

        “A noble sentiment,” he said, nodding his head. “But defining yourself in relation to other ponies strikes me as a recipe for future trouble. You know how defining yourself to fit the needs of other ponies ends, you tried it in Ponyville.”

        “Fine,” I said, giving him a quick glare before looking at the ceiling. “What do you think I should be, since you’re so good at telling me what I shouldn’t be?”

        “You know I won’t answer that, Sweetie. You don’t have to give me the perfect answer today, but… just tell me one thing you’d like to be. One thing you want to clutch tight to you. One bit of yourself you’d like to develop further.”

        There was a pause. I kept staring up at the ceiling, gears turning in the back of my head. “Maybe this is obvious or something, but I’d like to get back to singing. I talked about this last night, but… I’d really like it if I could sing again, and just– You know, maybe I could try writing my own songs and moving into other genres. I think I have at least a few blues songs in me.”

        He laughed. I still didn’t look at him and the big fall. “You know, I think you might be–”

        “What’s up with your name?” I asked, cutting him off before he could finish a sentence I could tell was going to be patronizing. “Most ponies have names that kind of relate to their talent or job or something about them, but unless ‘doctor’ is actually your first name, the only way I can think ‘hooves’ relates to you is you do a lot of writing with them.”

        “Any particular reason you brought this up, Sweetie, or are you just trying to change the subject?” he asked. I almost wanted to look over and see what he was doing, but… no, would much rather stare at the ceiling or anything that wasn’t the long drop. Why did her hotel room have those big floor to ceiling windows like my penthouse did?

        “I just… I don’t know, I didn’t want to talk about my singing anymore, and it’s been bugging me for a while,” I said. That was all true, just not the complete truth. Funny how you could still lie using just the truth.

        “Very well, if you must know, my mother misinterpreted my name dream. She saw a vision of a stallion laying on a couch, and decided to go with the name ‘Idle Hooves,’ to try and keep me from falling to sloth,” he said. rustling something. “There, does that answer your question?”

        “Yeah,” I said. “So… what else do you want to talk about? Is it almost time?” I rolled over to look at him in time to see him shake his head before screwing my eyes shut.

        “We just started a few minutes ago, Sweetie, so no. Is there anything you’d like to discuss. Anything important in your life?” he asked. I peeked an eye open and he just sat there staring at me.

        “Well, yesterday, I learned my sister was actually my mom, I guess that’s kind of important,” I said, keeping my eye on him, trying not to smile as his eyes bugged out in his head.

        “Uhmm… yes, I suppose that would be important, I… tell me, how did that make you feel?”

        “Actually... pretty good.”


♪♪♪


        My appointment over, I sat in my room, waiting for her. She was going to be here, she had to come here today, she wasn’t going to abandon me just because I wasn’t in the hospital anymore. Scootaloo’d accepted my apology yesterday, so we were fine, and I – I just had to talk to her. To tell her how I felt, what I wanted. 

        Minutes ticked by. Mom knocked on my door to see how I was. 

        “Fine,” I said, “just waiting for Scootaloo. She’s coming today, right?”

        Mom said she should be, so I went back to waiting, trying to figure out just what I was going to say. Hey, Scootaloo, sorry for getting mad at you again. Do you want to go out? Awful. Look, I’m really sorry about how I’ve been acting, and it’s okay that you don’t like mares, but maybe we could still try a relationship? Probably not a good idea to remind her of her straightness when asking her out. Scootaloo, I really like you, and I’d like to try dating you without messing it up like I do everything else. We’d promised Mom we’d try not to talk like that anymore.

        “Hey, Sweetie, Rarity said you’d wanted to talk to me?” Scootaloo asked as my door clicked open.

        “Scootaloo!” I said, launching from where I sat waiting to the mare who’d waited and throwing my forehooves around her neck. “You’re here, I was so worried you wouldn’t come today, that you’d finally gotten so fed up with me you just decided not to bother anymore. I’d understand if you did.”

        “That’s not happening,” Scootaloo said, shaking her head as she pulled me off her. “No matter what, I’m still your friend. Got it?”

        “But you want to be more, right?” I asked, looking up at her. She was just so strong, and why would she like me? I was a mess. Good ponies don’t like broken little mares. “Because if you do, I’m completely fine doing a relationship without all the touching stuff. Like… it’ll be hard, but for you, I’ll try it.”

        “Really?” she asked. “And we can touch, I’m just not completely comfortable with sleeping with another mare, even if it’s you. You can wait a while, right?”

        “Yeah,” I said, sighing before perking back up. “And I bet I can think of something you’ll like. There’s not much difference between a mare’s hoof and a–”

        “You don’t need to finish that thought, Sweetie,” Scootaloo said, shoving a hoof in my mouth. I fought the urge to lick it. “Look… yeah, if you promise we can go at my speed, I’ll be okay trying relationship stuff, if you feel up for it. What changed your mind, though? I thought you just wanted sex.”

        “I mean, I still do,” I said when she finally pulled her hoof free. “It’s super fun, and I’m sure when we finally do do it, it’ll be great, but I had a dream of how good a relationship can be when it’s working right, and thought maybe I could try it? I mean, they can’t all be as bad as my relationship with Bright Lights, right? And maybe it will be good focusing on the other non-sex stuff for a while.”

        Scootaloo laughed. “Yeah, I think if all relationships were as bad as your last one, nopony would ever bother. My parents have been awesomely married for twenty years, and they barely fight. Plus, your mom and Twilight seem to have a good thing going.”

        “That’s what I want,” I said, nodding my head. “When they’re together, you can just see how much they care for each other, the way Twilight leans close to my mom for support, the way Mom looks at Twilight when Twilight’s not looking. I don’t know, it seems nice. So…” I pawed a hoof at the floor. “I know we aren’t going to be doing sex stuff for a while, but would it be alright if I kissed you?”

        She stared at me for a minute before nodding. “Alright, but could you not kiss like a mare?” 

        What the hay did that mean?

        “What the hay does that mean? Last time I checked, I am a mare, so I’m pretty sure I do everything like a mare,” I said, looking at her and giving her a frown that threatened to turn into a glare. “I’m not going to turn into a stallion for you.”

        “No, Sweetie, that’s not what I’m asking, just… you know, mares are like… soft and yielding, and I want somepony to kiss me. Like a force of nature. Like our first kiss, where you didn’t ask for permission, you just did it and overpowered me and it was so awesome.” She frowned, noticing my stare. “What?”

        “Just… didn’t think you’d like doing that stuff. You’re so athletic and–”

        “Yeah, I know, it’s weird, but I think I get my fill of being awesome the rest of the time, and I still kind of want to feel all mare-ey when it comes to relationships. You know, like a gruff take-charge stallion just…” She trailed off, giving a sigh. “Anyways, if you could be more like the you that spontaneously kissed me, that would help a lot. Just… do it without dating other ponies.”

        I sighed and looked at the ground. She’d spent two years waiting for me, she’d basically saved my life, and I did love her. “I can do that,” I said, looking up at her. “I had enough acting mare-ey with Bright Lights, anyways.” My smirk was all the warning she got before I leapt forward, wrapping one foreleg around the crook of her neck and drawing her lips up against mine. A shudder ran down Scootaloo, and for a long second, her lips refused to part, her eyes were still wide. Had I crossed a line? She wanted somepony gruff and ‘stallion-ey’ (but really, that’s not fair, I bet most stallions are super sensitive) and take-charge, and I was giving her just that. 

        Finally, her lips parted and my tongue slid into her, meeting with its counterpart for a few seconds before I inhaled, creating a vacuum in our mouths and drawing her tongue forward to me. She knew the basics of kissing, but I was a master of it, and she was basically putty in my hooves… or mouth, in this case. The kiss stretched out to infinity, and with every second, more of her yielded. If it was this easy to get her to enjoy other things, we’d be doing whatever I wanted in a few days. Not that I’d take advantage of her, that’s something a bad Sweetie would do, but… I could. I knew all the buttons to press. But I wouldn’t. Keep telling yourself that.

        The kiss broke, and I smiled at the completely flushed mare in front of me. Seeing the strongest pony I knew reduced to almost quivering by one of my kisses… It was kind of hot. My mouth twitched as I struggled to hide my satisfaction. This could work. “‘Stallion-ey’ enough for you?”

        She nodded, breathless, and my smile transitioned into an easy smirk, full of confidence I hadn’t felt in forever. If this was what she wanted, maybe I could get used to it. “Good.”

> 6. The Masochism Tango
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        I trotted in place, one hoof just inches from the door to my Mom’s room. It was no big deal. I just should’ve told her earlier, but had instead spent most of the day with Scootaloo or with Scootaloo and Mom. Maybe I could’ve mentioned it then but… I didn’t think of it. It wasn’t super important anyways. Well, no, it was. It was what I wanted to do with my life. That was pretty important, but it could wait, right? She didn’t need to know I wanted to get back to singing now. Actually… Yeah, I hadn’t even done those exercises Luna suggested, the writing and being sincere stuff. What if I still couldn’t sing even after that? Then I’d just have wasted everypony’s time. I turned to head back to my room when I heard a creak from behind.

        “Sweetie?” Mom asked, head sticking out of the door. “What are you doing out here? I thought you were in bed, or…” I noticed her mane was slightly messed up. Hopefully, I hadn’t interrupted anything. “Is something the matter?”

        “Nope,” I said, shaking my head and smiling at her. “I just had something I wanted to tell you, but it can wait until later. I don’t even know if it’s worth talking about now.”

        “It absolutely is,” Mom said, coming out of the door and shutting it behind her. Before she did, I caught a glimpse of Twilight reading in bed, a stack of books on either side of her. Maybe I hadn’t interrupted anything. “Come now,” she said, trotting to the couch. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

        “Just… I kind of miss singing, you know?” I said, moving to sit next to her on the couch. “Not like it’s the end of the world, but I miss being on stage. Of course, it’d probably help if I could just sing in private first, but… I don’t know, is there any way I can do a few shows? They don’t have to be anything big, even if it’s just singing in a bar somewhere, that’s fine with me. Or maybe not a bar, but like, a coffeehouse or something,” I added hastily before Mom could say anything about “jeopardizing my recovery” again. Sweetie and a room full of alcohol don’t mix.

Really? Since when? 

Shut up.

        Mom nodded her head. “I think I could help arrange that – but first, it might be beneficial if we dealt with the media storm still surrounding you. You haven’t appeared in public since the scandal broke. The tabloids have had something of a field day, and I think it would be best if we worked on some image control before you start going out and performing again.” She frowned. “Unless you want to risk being picketed, or having some other disruption to the show. Truthfully, it will still be a risk either way, but at least we can try to minimize it.”

        “Plus, I still have to be able to actually, like, sing,” I said, feeling the tingling of my throat tightening at the mention of singing. Great. 

        “You know, Sweetie, I had a lovely dream that you featured in last night, and it made me feel immensely better. I only mention this because the turning point for it was when you sang me a version of our little lullaby,” Rarity said. “And it made me think that perhaps you should start singing your own works, instead of parroting other ponies’ songs.”

        “Really?” I asked, trying not to laugh. “I’ll definitely think about it. Maybe I should try being a bit more like your dream me.”

        Mom shook her head. “No, Sweetie, the only mare you have to be like is yourself. Never try to fit into somepony’s else conception of you.” A flash of orange went through my mind. 

        “Even if…” I shook my head. If I hinted at it, she’d know, and then she’d probably mess with Scootaloo and me, and then the two most important mares in my life would be fighting and… No. We couldn’t have that. I couldn’t choose between them. “Alright.”

        Silence ticked on while Mom stared at me, looking at me like I was one of her creations, which… I kind of was, actually. I giggled at that, even as her eyes traced over where I’d come apart at the seams and where she’d stitched me back together. Satisfied that her hoofwork was still holding together, she gave a nod. “And if somepony does try to get you to change yourself, let me know, and I’ll have words with them.” She managed to make ‘have words with them’ sound like ‘tie them to the bedposts and flog them till their back was red.’ Definitely couldn’t tell her about Scootaloo then. It was a good relationship, I just had to play a bit assertive and – I groaned at the word, it really wasn’t fair to them – stallion-ey until Scootaloo got used to being with a mare. Maybe once I showed her all the things I could do with a bolt of silk, she’d come around. Who wouldn’t?

        “Okay, Mom,” I said, a happy annoyance blossoming in my chest. Maybe having a parent constantly doting on me and sheltering me would get annoying eventually, but not now. Even when she was being super obnoxious about my recovery, it all still made me feel loved. I smiled and leaned in to give her a hug. “Thank you.”

        Mom smiled. “You’re… very welcome, Sweetie. I have to admit, I didn’t expect such a positive reaction from you.”

        “Well, I just… It’s nice, you know? Having you here for me,” I said. “But anyways, what were you talking about with the news?”

        “The works, Sweetie,” Mom said. “First, we’ll give a blitz of interviews with journalists who might have some sympathy for you. We’ll sell the narrative of you going clean and trying to atone, we’ll share your side of the story, and once that’s wrapped up, Twilight and I will give them another story to chase.” She tilted her head and smiled. “I think a royal engagement would fit the ticket, don’t you?”

        “Wait, you’re not just getting married for me, are you? Like, you actually want to get married, right?” I said. 

        “Yes, Sweetie. It’s something we’ve wanted to do for a while, but I wanted to make sure you were okay, first,” Mom said. “That was my highest priority, and now that that’s taken care of, I feel…” She gazed off over to her room and smiled. “The day wedding bells ring can’t come soon enough. However, there is one tiny detail I should probably discuss with you first.”

        “Why?” I asked, tilting my head and looking with her at the door to Twilight’s room, imagining the two of them dressed up, one of them walking down the aisle, while the other… Wait, who would walk down the aisle? I’d never thought about it before, but… if I was marrying Scootaloo, she’d probably want to stay at the altar, and then I’d walk down the aisle, but… No, she liked me being stallioney with her, so would I have to be at the altar while she got to dress in white and walk down the aisle? Could we both walk down the aisle together?

        “Sweetie? Sweeetieee?” I looked up at my si– mom. She was staring down at me, lines of concern worrying her face. “Did you hear anything I said?”

        I shook my head. “Sorry, I was kind of thinking about which one of you would be walking down the aisle,” I said, blushing in embarrassment as I smiled at her as apology. She smiled back. 

        “If you must know, we decided I’d walk down the aisle. Well, I asked and she agreed. She doesn’t see the point of a big elaborate ceremony, while I’m rather…” She laughed. “Married to the idea. But that’s not important, Sweetie, what is important is that we discuss some issues of heritage, before the media might discover them while covering the wedding.”

        “Ugh, who cares about that?” I groaned. I found out I had the best mom in the world, and now we had to talk about grandparents who didn’t even want me? “You’re my mom, and that’s what’s important, right?”

        Mom smiled and her eyes misted for a second. “Yes, absolutely, but… Are you familiar with Princess Platinum’s five daughters?”

        “Since I stepped hoof in a classroom at some point in my life, yeah, I am,” I said. “And I also know that her dynasty all died out, so I really don’t get what that has to do with me and my ancestry.”

        “Well, Sweetie, Twilight discovered that Platinum actually had six daughters, and… well, I suppose I have a story to tell.”


♪♪♪


        She definitely had a story to tell me, one about a lost heir to a family being exiled until she or her descendents learned the value of self-sacrifice and generosity. And then, there were about a thousand years of nothing as her family forgot their history until my mom dated a librarian-turned-princess who decided to follow a connection between my mom’s element and the royal peytral and chased it down to an old castle in the north. 

        “So… you’re a princess?” I asked, looking up at my mom. “Does that mean…”

        “No,” Mom said, shaking her head. “Not until I die. Until then, you’re a princess-in-waiting.”

        I nodded and glanced at the clock. Somehow, her story had taken an almost hour, and the night was now in danger of becoming morning. I yawned. “I can live with being a princess-in-waiting, then,” I said. “Besides, being a princess was your dream, not mine.”

        “Then what is your dream?” Mom asked. “If you don’t mind me asking.”

        “Well, it was to be a big famous Bridleway actress and loved by everypony in Equestria, but… we both know how that worked out.” I frowned, thinking about what I wanted most in Equestria. “Honestly, right now, just being okay would be a dream come true. Like, I feel better now… a lot better, actually, but I still don’t feel okay. It would be nice if I could sing without having my throat go tight and having an anxiety attack and not have so many hallucinations, but other than that I think I’ve been pretty good since I got out of the hospital. Of course, it’s only been two days, so…” I shook my head. “I don’t know, sorry, I’m rambling.”

        “It’s fine,” Mom said, her smile flagging for a second. She probably thought I wouldn’t notice, but I knew smiles, especially false ones. Why did they even try to false smile at me? “And you’ll get there one day, but… there has to be something more you yearn for.”

        “Not really,” I said. “I’d like to be able to sing, and I’d like to be in a healthy relationship.”

        Mom’s eyes lit up at that. “Oh? Well, unless I missed my mark completely, you and Scootaloo are… if not yet romantically involved, certainly heading in that direction.” Her mouth twitched back into a real smile. “You know, Sweetie, I couldn’t have picked a better paramour for you if I’d tried. The two of you have my total approval, if that’s what you want.”

        “Thanks,” I said, breathing out a sigh of relief. For a moment, I’d worried she’d go off onto a rant about ‘jeopardizing my recovery,’ but approval was good too. “So… we kind of kissed in my room earlier today.”

        “Well…” Mom nodded her head slowly. “Yes, what you two want to do in the privacy of your room is fine with me. You’re a grown mare, and it’s not like I’m suffering under illusions of fillial innocence. No, the papers quite dispelled those notions – and there’s nothing wrong with most of those things, either, I’d just advise... moderation.”

        “Yeah,” I said, rubbing the back of my head. “I’m kind of bad at moderation, aren’t I?”

        Mom tightened her lips for a minute. “It’s a learned skill, one you didn’t have much opportunity to practice in Ponyville. Perhaps that’s my own fault, but–”

        “You promised,” I said, cutting her off. “No more beating ourselves up, right?”

        There was a sigh and a nod. “You’re right, of course, Sweetie. Thank you for reminding me of that. Anyways, yes, I’m quite happy for you and Scootaloo, and…” She blinked. “How did we get on this again? I was telling you about our ancestry, and then somehow we got to talking about your love life, which I’ll try not to pry into.”

        I tapped a hoof and looked down at the carpet, thinking. “Ooh! I was saying I was okay being a princess-in-waiting and said that being a princess was always your dream, not mine, and then we kind of got to talking about my dreams and… Right, you were telling me about your plan to help me deal with the media.”

        “Indeed,” Mom said, nodding and giving me a smile. “Thank you for that reminder as well. Right, so the first thing we need to worry about is getting some positive stories about you in the press. I’ve identified a short list of journalists who might write favorably about you, and if you say the word, I’ll write them and request an interview on your behalf. I’d like it if we could set it up at your old penthouse while we still have it, but I also understand why you might not want to go back there. Whatever you decide works for me.”

        I shivered at her mention of the penthouse. Not going back there would be… better. “Could we… could we not do it there? Please?”

        Mom stroked my mane and hummed a few bars of our lullaby. “Of course. I’m sorry, Sweetie, I just thought it might be good if we could avoid having the bottom feeders outside the Plaza.” She gave me a quick little hug. “No, Sweetie, I promise you won’t have to go back there if you don’t want to. I shouldn’t have even mentioned it.” She closed her eyes and hmmed. “We’ll find some way to make do, though. So, should I fetch my list?”

        “Write Thinking,” I said.

        “Uhmm… Sweetie, my goal was to have you interview writers who might be sympathetic towards you, not serve you up to your harshest critic,” Mom said, eyes bulging in her head for a quick second. “No… What good could that possibly accomplish?”

        I smiled and hopped off the couch, turning to face her. “You said it yourself, she’s my harshest critic. If she sees how nice and harmless and sorry I am, and how much I suffered, then maybe she’ll apologize in the paper and everypony else will move on to something else. I’m nice, right?” Mom nodded. “And you know how sorry I am, right?”

        “You certainly apologized enough,” Mom said before creasing her lips in a frown. “Not that I can complain, considering…” Yeah, maybe beating ourselves up ran in the family. Well, probably not.  Mom– Grandma– Crumble– didn’t seem to feel guilty about anything.

        “Right,” I said, shaking off the thought. “And you know how much all the dumb stuff I did wound up hurting me, right?”

        Mom gave me another nod, clenching her jaw like there was something else she wanted to say. 

        “Great, then if I can just show her all that, she won’t need to be angry with me anymore and she can tell everypony how I’m totally not the monster she said I was.” Yes you are.

Shut up! Could the voices in my head not give me one day of feeling mostly good about myself?

        Not until you deserve it. I buried down a growl so Mom didn’t hear it. Me talking to myself really freaked her out. 

        “That…” Mom nodded. “That idea certainly has some merit, but I worry that Miss Thinking might be hard to persuade. Some ponies have a hard time seeing the flaws in their world view until it completely shatters around them.”

        “Really?” I asked, rolling my eyes. “You don’t say.”

        Mom looked away, remembering who she was talking to. She might be a princess, but I was the former queen of deluding yourself. You still are. 

Shut up! Why did the voices in my head have to be so awful?

        We’re all the same voice, Sweetie. Alright, fine, why did the voice in my head have to be so awful?

        “I’ve wondered the same thing,” Bright Lights said, popping out of the couch next to my Mom where a pillow used to be. “Perhaps it’s the way your mother raised you.” She didn’t have time to smirk before I was on top of her, teeth sinking into her and ripping out a mouthful of something fuzzy. Huh, I never expected horseflesh to be fuzzy. 

I screamed through my mouthful of Bright Lights. “I said ‘shut up!” I shouted, spitting out her flesh and watching as bits of fuzz and fabric fell off the edge of the couch. I looked down at ‘Bright Lights’ to see nothing but torn-up upholstery. “Oh, right,” I said, sinking down into my victim and looking at Mom who was completely frozen, shock and horror painted on her face in broad strokes with too-wide eyes and lips parted in preparation for a scream of her own. “Sorry,” I said, looking up at her. “She said something bad about you, and I can take them yelling at me, but… not you.” Or Scootaloo. Or any of the ponies who still loved me after everything, which was a pretty short list. Speaking of short lists. “So… that interview.”

Mom swallowed down her horror and gave me a smile. “I think it might be best if we spend a few more days… or weeks… or however long you wish focusing on your recovery. We–”

“If you say ‘jeopardize my recovery’ again, I’m going to find a way to go even crazier,” I said. “Which I don’t know if that’s actually possible, but keep saying that, and I’ll find a way.”

There was a long pause as Mom looked at me, still collapsed on a torn up pillow. “We just want what’s best for you, and if that means spending a few more days in seclusion while you heal, that’s just a price we’ll pay.”

“But I don’t want to spend a few more days cooped up anywhere. I want to be free and outside and doing stuff. I miss having a life.” If it wasn’t for her and Scootaloo, you wouldn’t have a life. I sighed and shook my head. “Fine, I’ll wait.” How long could a few days be?


♪♪♪


        A few days could last forever. Like, I’m not even sure how. Maybe I got stuck in some weird version of a time loop where instead of just living the same day over and over again, every second felt like a day. I squirmed around on the couch. “Mom, Scootaloo, I’m booored. Can we please do something today?” They were supposed to be bringing in some albums for me to listen to soon, but… right now, it was just waiting.

        “I’m here too, you know,” Twilight said from her little desk in the corner where she was stamping papers and taking care of royal business. 

        “Sorry,” I said. “Still bored, though.”

        “Well, we could always play a board game,” Twilight said, abandoning the desk and ducking into her room to fish out whatever game she thought looked good.

        “If I have to play one more board game, I’m going to ki–” Bad word choice. Really bad word choice. “Sorry,” I said before anyone could react. “I wasn’t thinking, but could we please not do a board game? I’d like it if we could…” I rolled to sit myself up on the couch. “What if we went outside? Maybe to the park, or Poney Island?” My ears perked up. “Yes! Could we please do Poney Island? I always wanted to go, but…” I batted my eyes at Scootaloo. Pleeeeaaaaase?

        She looked to Mom, they both nodded. “Yes!” I shouted, sprinting forward to give Scootaloo a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek, trying not to notice how stiff she got when my lips touched skin. “Thank you so much!”

        Scootaloo gave me a smile as she pulled away. “Glad to see you’re happy.” She looked to Mom. “You want to get her disguise stuff?”

        Mom nodded. “A wonderful idea, Scootaloo. Sweetie, how do you feel about the big floppy hat and sunglasses?”

        “I feel like that would just make me more noticable. Nopony pays attention to you until you’re trying to hide something from them,” I said, heading back to the couch before stopping in my tracks, an idea in my head. “Hey, Mom, maybe Scootaloo can come and help me pick something out. Is that okay with you?”

        “Of course, Sweetie. I trust the two of you,” she said, closing her eyes and seeing all the clothes we brought with us.

        “You know I could just cast a disguise spell on you, right?” Twilight asked, trotting back into the room.. 

        “Oh, right,” I said. “Well… I’d still like to see all the clothes I have before we do anything.”

        She sighed. “You are your mother’s daughter.”

        “I know!” I said, my smile filling up so big I think I might have floated up into the air for a second. Either that, or I just bounced on my hooves. “Isn’t it great?”

        The three of them smiled before I turned my attention back to Scootaloo. “Now, come on, I want to hear what you think about my stuff – clothes!” I said, catching myself before Mom could give me a lecture about how clothes weren’t ‘stuff’ or she figured out I mostly wasn’t talking about clothes.

        Scootaloo nodded and as I led her back to my room, I felt my smile change into a sharp grin. Once I got her alone – I opened the door and walked in, pretending to look through my dresser while she followed me into the trap – she wouldn’t know what hit her. I checked the mirror to see she was all the way in the room and exchanged a knowing glance with the mare in the mirror as we both lit our horns up and slammed the door shut. I spun around and descended on the trapped Scootaloo. Before she could react, my breath was on her neck, and then my lips were against hers, pushing her back against the door. I felt her trapped heat as that stiffness from earlier melted away. She could be as tough as she wanted in public, but in private, she wanted me to be – I gagged on the word – stallioney, and for her, I could.

        I exhaled into her, tongue keeping her mouth open. My air rushed in, pushing out all that was hers and filling her lungs with me. My eyes snapped open. It was hard to keep them open when we were kissing, but the next sight was worth it, the way everything in her eyes just melted into surrender, seeing that exact second resistance turned into acceptance. The kiss extended, my spit running down out the corner of her lips. Scootaloo sank lower and I moved above her, forcing her down deeper into surrender. This is what Bright Lights must’ve felt like when she had you under her hoof.

        No! I jerked away from Scootaloo like lightning’d struck me. No! It wasn’t anything like that. She wanted this. If I had my way, we’d be nice and sensitive, but she wanted me to be assertive and dominant, so I was. It wasn’t like I was forcing her into anything bad. She wanted everything I gave her. “You liked that, right?” I asked, looking down at my little pegasus, her back leg still quivering.

        “H… How are you so good at kissing?” she asked, looking up at me like I was the center of the universe. A shiver went up me, freezing the heat from my kiss. Thinking we were the center of the universe didn’t lead to good things. But you’re the center of her universe, and she loves it.

        I smiled at her and gave her another little kiss, this one lasting just a second. “Practice,” I said. She gave a happy little sigh in response. “Now come on and help me pick out something to wear.” I floated a purple headband out and tossed it over to her. “What do you think?”

        “Uh… huh…” she said. Geeze, it was just a kiss, you’d think she’d be used to it by now. If I was her, I’d be chomping at the bit for more.

        “Great,” I said, picking it up and sliding it on before picking her up with a mix of magic and horsepower and putting her on the bed. 

        “You know,” I said, hopping on top of her and staying low to make it harder for her to escape. She could still totally slide out from me if she wanted, but at least this way it was slightly less easy. “If you think that felt good, there are some other things I could do that are even better.”

        Instead of sliding out, she gave me a shove and sent me tumbling next to her on my bed. “You know I’m not ready for that, Sweetie, so stop asking.”

        “But you wanted me to be assertive,” I said, lifting my head up and rolling over to look at her. She hadn’t hopped off the bed yet, so that was a good sign. “Besides, I don’t want to do anything to you a stallion couldn’t. They probably wouldn’t, but they could. You could just close your eyes and pretend it’s a stallion the whole time if you want.” 

        “You mean that wouldn’t hurt your feelings?” Scootaloo asked, as her eyes finally focused on me.

        “Scootaloo, I love you. You saved my life. I want you to enjoy this, and I know we have some things to work through, so if… If imagining I’m a stallion makes it easier for you, I can work with that. It’s a compromise, right? We get to do that stuff… Or I get to do that stuff to you, and in exchange you imagine I’m a stallion. That’s what relationships are about, right? Compromise?”

        That was true, right? She was giving up something she wanted, and I was giving up something I wanted so we could make this thing work. Besides, eventually, once she saw how awesome all the stuff I could do was, she’d be okay with being with another mare. “Okay,” Scootaloo finally said. “Not right now, not today, but… Yeah, I’m up for it.”

        “Yes!” I shouted, hopping off the bed and to the door. “You’re going to absolutely love it, but… I need to get my toolbag first. It’s still in the penthouse, but I promise you’ll love it and love all the things I can do with it.” I trotted in place for a second before swinging the door open. “Now come on, Mom’s gonna come knocking if we don’t get out there soon.”

        “Wait,” Scootaloo said, following me into the hallway, “you have a toolbag?”

        “Uh-huh,” I said, nodding my head. “I made it myself, and it’s got everything a mare could want.” I ran through its contents in my head. “Wait, it’s missing rope, but that’s easy enough to get.”

        “Why would we need rope?” she asked, moving up to be at my side. I stopped as we reached the door to the living room.

        “To tie you up, of course. I guess you could tie me up, but you’re the one who’s really into the surrendering and being all mare-ish and stuff. Actually, to be honest, I’m kind of enjoying being stallioney. I didn’t think I would, but there’s something nice about getting to be in charge. It’s… different,” I said, dropping my voice so Mom and Twilight couldn’t overhear.

        She smiled and actually leaned in to kiss me. It was just a quick peck on the cheek, but still, she kissed me. I closed my eyes and hmmmed at the touch. Being stallioney was fine, but I missed being touched. “Yeah, you make a pretty good stallion. I thought you’d just try to make things all...” She shrugged. “I don’t know, I’m glad you could be the stallion in the relationship.”

        I tilted my head. “What do you mean?”

        “You know, with two mares, one of you acts stallioney, right? Like you were the stallion with Melody, and then Bright Lights was the stallion with you. Uhmm… I’m not sure how it is with Applejack and Rainbow Dash, but…”

        I shook my head. Oh no no no, how could she… “That’s completely wrong, Scootaloo. There doesn’t have to be a ‘stallion.’ Back when I had a herd, none of us were ‘stallions,’ we were just mares who… yeah, some of us were a bit bossier than the others, but it’s not like we were stallions. I don’t like stallions, I definitely don’t want to date one.”

        She nodded, reaching a hoof for the door. “Got it, so you were always the stallion, that’s probably why you’re so good at it.”

        “No!” I said, smacking her hoof away and forgetting why I was trying to be quiet. “There are no stallions. I’m not a stallion. Yes, I’m acting kind of stallioney for you, but that’s for you. Most lesbian relationships don’t have a ‘stallion’, it’s just mares. That’s actually the main point of it.”

        “Sweetie?” Mom asked, door swinging open with her pale blue magic. “Are the two of you arguing about something?”

        “No,” I said, trotting into the living room. “Scootaloo just thought that because we were dating, one of us had to be the stallion. Are one of you two the stallion?” Maybe Scootaloo was a bit embarrassed by me ratting her out, but maybe she should be a bit embarrassed for having such dumb ideas. Honestly, it’s not like this was her first experience with fillyfoolers. I was a fillyfooler, Apple Bloom was, Rainbow Dash was, my Mom was. Okay, Scootaloo’s parents weren’t, but I’m pretty sure her dad wasn’t the one calling her shots, considering her mom was Spitfire. I looked back at her, and yep, her cheeks were going red. I’d make it up to her tonight. Ooh! There were just so many ways I could say I’m sorry for embarrassing her, and most of them didn’t  have me saying anything at all.

        “Uhmm… no,” Twilight said. “We’re both… just  us? Right, Rarity?”

        She nodded. “Indeed,” she said, trotting across the room to her marefriend and nuzzling her cheek. “And I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

        Scootaloo made a little gag and I trotted back to whisper in her ear. “What’s the matter, I thought you wanted to be all mare-ish, and mares like that stuff.” She glared at me. I just grinned back. “Maybe I’ll teach you to like it.”

        “Sweetie, you’re kind of taking it a bit too far now. There’s a difference between–” There wasn’t any time for her to respond before my lips were on hers. Kissing her in front of my mom and Twilight, driving her down into her quivering femininity. That’s what she got for thinking one of us had to be the stallion. That was her punishment. Ooh! You’re punishing your marefriend now? Who else do we know that did that? Totally not fair. Bright Lights… I was only doing stuff Scootaloo wanted. 

        “Not fair,” I said, whispering into her ear when the kiss finished. “You want me to be stallioney when we’re alone, but then we’re in public, you want to tell me what to do? How’s that fair to me?”

        Behind me, I could feel Mom and Twilight staring at me. Yeah, I probably deserved that. “Oh… okay,” Scootaloo said, eyes closed. See, I was just doing what she wanted. I wasn’t being a monster like Bright Lights was. Or you were with Melody. I rolled my eyes. That wasn’t fair at all.

        “Sorry,” I said, turning around to smile at Mom and Twilight and resisting the urge to brush Scootaloo’s face with my tail. The two of them might not appreciate that. “We just… we got really carried away. That’s fine, right?”

        Mom tapped a hoof. “If it’s fine with the two of you, it’s fine with me. I trust you and Scootaloo.”

        “Yeah,” Scootaloo said, shaking off the kiss’s fog. “Hey, Sweetie, can I talk with you for a second?” She tilted her head to the door. I nodded.

        “Sure,” I said, following after her. The minute we were back in the hallway, I magically shut the door and raised an eyebrow at my marefriend.

        “Okay, what the hay, Sweetie? What’s gotten into you? You’re not acting like you at all,” Scootaloo asked. Really?

        “Really?” I said. “I’m just trying to act like you want me to. You wanted me to be stallioney, so I’m being as stallioney as I can. What’s the problem?”

        “Well, you’re not acting like… You know, the you I met in Ponyville, the mare who was sweet and kind and all that stuff. You’re not acting like the mare who gave me her scooter.”

        I growled. “You’re going to play that card with me? I’m acting stallioney for you. Yes, I’m enjoying it and having fun, but it’s all for you, and now you’re complaining that I’m not acting like the innocent filly you used to know? Choose, Scootaloo! You can’t have it both ways. Do you want kind-of-bossy Sweetie or the Sweetie you knew as a filly? I can’t exactly be both for you at the same time.”

        She sighed and shook her head. “I guess kind-of-bossy Sweetie, but… can I be real mare-ish with you and talk about my feelings for a second?”

        “Of course,” I said, leaning in to nuzzle her cheek. “That’s why you wanted me to act stallioney, right? So you could feel free to be mare-ish? This is all for you, Scootaloo.”

        “Alright,” she said, shaking her head and letting herself lean into me. I savored the tenderness and didn’t move for fear of breaking the moment. “Look, I like you being assertive and all, but… I don’t know, it also feels weird, having you act so completely different from you.”

        “But you just said that’s what you want, right?” I asked, pulling away and looking at her, trying to understand what I’d done wrong. I was just giving her what she wanted.

        “It is, but… I’d also like a little tenderness. Like, when we kiss, you just pull away when we’re done. Maybe you could linger a little more?”

        “That’s… I’d love to do that, but I thought you wouldn’t want me to, because that’s not stallioney. Seriously, can we find a better word than stallioney? A lot of stallions like cuddling and are super sensitive. At least, I think they are. I wouldn’t really know. Maybe we could just say you want me to be dominant and you want to be more submissive?” I said, giving her a little kiss and stroking her mane.

        “Uhmm… isn’t that like some weird sex stuff?” she asked, frowning at me.

        “BDSM isn’t weird… Well, it isn’t that weird. I heard it can be kind of healthy if you do it right. I don’t think you’ll like the whole lifestyle, like… me dripping hot wax on to you doesn’t strike me as fun for you, but at the same time, you seem to really want a part of that life. You want a chance to just submit and give in to all those feelings you think you’re too awesome for. That’s what you really mean by ‘being mare-ish’, right?” I asked, looking at her. She just blinked at me for a minute.

        “Uhmm…” she finally said. “Yeah, I guess…” She nodded. “That kind of makes sense, but how did you know?”

        I rolled my eyes. “One, we’ve been best friends for years, and two, I’m really good at sex stuff and know a lot about it. Like… I could probably do you without actually touching you.”

        She frowned, forgetting what we were talking about before. “You mean without anything touching me, or just without you directly touching me?”

        “Definitely the one, and probably the other,” I said, grinning at her. “Although the other one might require a few more drugs than you’re comfortable with. But that’s not important, what is important is you want to be my submissive, right? Not in the violent ways, so I don’t know if that would make it actual BDSM, but you want me leading our dance, right? To make you act like a mare? Even though I really don’t like the way you’re mixing feminininity–”

        “Femininity?” Scootaloo asked, raising an eyebrow.

        “Yeah, that,” I said, groaning. “I know what I meant, my tongue just started going faster than my head. Now will you listen to me? I don’t like how you’re mixing femininity with submissiveness, because I’m super feminine and so is Mom, but we’re not exactly submissive. Like, Mom ran her own business and stuff. Plus she helped save the world. And plus, what about stallions who aren’t dominant? They can be just as masculine even if they aren’t bossy and controlling. I think. I don’t actually know that bit.”

        “Okay, fine, but I don’t want to say I want to be… you know. I’m too awesome to be that, but being mare-ish is okay, so that’s what I’m calling it. Being mare-ish,” Scootaloo said, looking at the door. I tried not to give another growl at her stubbornness. 

        “Call it what you want,” I said, rubbing my forehead, “it doesn’t really change what it is.” I stepped forward. “You want to be my subby little mare while I play your idea of a stallion. You want me to tell you what to do – or better yet, you just want me to do, right?”

        “Basically,” she said, looking away and pawing at a hoof. She was so timid when I got like this. I loved it. “But… for some things, I’d like it if you would ask permission, and… maybe could you not be so… stallioney–”

        “Dominant,” I said, grinning at the correction. “If we’re going to do this, I want to hear you say it. I want to hear you say what you want. I promise nopony else will know.” As I spoke, I felt an old heat bloom to life inside me.

        “Fine,” she said, and if it was possible for her to look further away from me, she would’ve.

        “In the eyes,” I said, voice crisp and tight.

        “Actually, is doing this a good idea?” Scootaloo asked, backing away from me. “You’re recovering and–”

        I turned away from her and made a guess. She might hate it, some mares did, but others… others it drove them crazy in a very good way. I flicked my tail in her face. Enough to maybe be an accident, just a little brush, honestly, but enough to get her attention. “If you don’t want to do it, just say so. If you don’t want me to do all those things I know you’ll love, we can go back to being just friends. You know, if you’d rather not risk things.” It wasn’t like before, back when I did this to Melody and Diamond. I wasn’t going to do anything Scootaloo didn’t want, but at the same time, she kind of wanted me to be a little dominant, and I wanted her to be happy. If she just wanted me to cuddle her and nuzzle her all the time, I’d do that instead.

        You’re so good at being dominant, too. Remember how you used to boss your friends around? Get them to do what you wanted. Remember all the things you forced Melody and Diamond to do? Maybe it was for the best when Bright Lights controlled you so you couldn’t manipulate your friends anymore. But it’s different this time. She wants it. Keep telling yourself that.

        Behind me, Scootaloo took a breath, and I imagined her breathing in my tail’s perfume. “I… I do, like, actually kind of bad, which is weird, but… you’ll be careful, right? You won’t go crazy?”

        I beamed and wrapped my forehooves around Scootaloo. “I’m so happy to hear you say that, and of course, I won’t go crazy.” You’re already crazy. “I just want to give you the best relationship possible, and if you like that stuff, then I’ll be happy to do it. But first…” I pulled away and let my grin return. “You have to tell me what you want. And look me in the eyes when you say it.”

        Scootaloo closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. For a long second, there was silence, but then her eyes met mine, her pride and yearning fighting in them. Yearning was winning. “I want… I want you to boss me around. Maybe not in public all the time, but–”

        “Nope,” I said, cutting her off. “Don’t lie to me, Scootaloo. You love the idea of me just kissing you in public like I do in private, I felt it when I kissed you in front of my Mom and Twilight. Or am I wrong?”

        She shook her head. “Fine, that was actually kind of hot, but… when I need to be awesome, could you maybe lay off the whole dominanty thing?” Well, she wasn’t using the word exactly, but it was a form of it. I nodded and she exhaled. “Cool… I can live with that. Actually, I might like it a lot.”

        “So what do you want?” I asked, keeping my eyes on her, watching as pride broke ranks and retreated. 

        “I want to surrender– No, I want you to make me surrender to you. I want you to kiss me like you own me. I just… I want to be your mare. I want you to rub my face in my femininity and mareishness,” she said, breathing heavy. “I really really want that.”

        My back legs almost bucked out from under me at hearing that. Maybe I couldn’t do her without touching her at all, but she could almost get me there just by saying what she wanted. I exhaled slowly, waiting for the flush in my cheeks to fade. “Yeah… I can do that. So… so… Last chance to back out, alright?”

        She rolled her eyes, and braced herself, firm like a rock breaking against my wave. “You really think I’m going to back out or change my mind? I know what I want, and you better deliver.”

        “Quick question,” I said, regaining myself. “How do you feel about physical pain? Like… do you want me to hit you with a riding crop or a cane or whatever when you’re being bad and willful?”

        “No!” she said, shaking her head. “Why would you even think that’s okay?”

        “Got it,” I said, trotting over to my room and grabbing her mane with my magic, tugging her after me and careful not to be too painful. The trick was to grab a lot of mane so it didn’t hurt as much. Plus, I wasn’t pulling that hard. “Come with me, please.” Ooh, I needed a really mare-ish nickname for her, just for fun. And maybe to embarrass her in public when she needed it. 

        “What are you doing?” she asked as I led her into my room. “Are you going to kiss me again? I hope that’s it–

        I shook my head, grinning like a mad mare. “Silly Scootaloo, I only kiss mares, and right now you’re acting very stallioney. We can’t have that.” I pulled out  a long red gown I’d worn on my last Hearts and Hooves Day. “What do you think?” I wanted to call her sweetie, but that would lead to… confusion. Sweetness? Ooh! “Sweetie’s?” Maybe. Maybe a bit too embarrassing in public, I didn’t want to completely hurt her feelings.

        “It looks good, I guess,” Scootaloo said, frowning. “I don’t get how you wearing dresses is going to make you more dominant. Also… Sweetie’s?”

        I darted in to steal a kiss from her. “Because your miiiineee.” I grinned, feeling like a shark circling dinner. “And the dress isn’t for me. Like I said, I only kiss mares, and you need to start acting like one.” I floated the dress over to her. “Put it on.”

        “But–” She started to say, but I cut her off.

        “Mares who don’t wear pretty dresses don’t get my kisses, and if they make a fight about wearing a dress, then they have to style their mane as well. Don’t you want your stallion to kiss you?” I asked, hooking a hoof around her neck and twisting myself so my head was under hers, the only thing keeping me up, the tips of my back hooves and Scootaloo’s strength.

        She stared down at me. I beamed up at her, smile growing the more heat the heat built, and an image flashed in my head of a volcano bursting from me and spewing molten love all over the room. I gave the dress a little shake with my magic. She sighed and reached a hoof over me to grab it, and the second she did, I wrapped myself around her and pressed my lips against hers to give her her reward.


♪♪♪


        I trotted into the living room, Scootaloo following after me with her long flowy red dress with pink tail following after. She was still a little flushed after our make out session. She’d been so good putting it on, I had to reward her hard. “Presenting the new and improved Scootaloo,” I said, darting back to give my marefriend a tight spine-crushing hug and another one of my will-breaker kisses. When I pulled away, she was Scootaputty. Or would it be Puttyloo? Puttyloo kept the same syllable count, but Scootaputty sounded better to me. Scootaputty it was. Ooh! That was another good nickname, even if it was longer than her actual name.

        “Scootaloo wants me to help her get in touch with her feminine side,” I said, stroking her mane. “We’re both really excited about this.”

        Mom nodded. She and Twilight were both wearing short, casual dresses with easily reachable pockets. Definitely better suited for going to an amusement park than Scootaloo’s dress. I giggled at that. “Does this getting in touch with her feminine side include kissing her so forcefully in public?” Mom asked. “For some mares, such affection might be embarrassing.”

        “For Scootaloo, yes,” I said, still grinning.

“To which question, Sweetie?” Mom asked, frowning at me. By now, my grin was so big, it threatened to eat the world. She wanted this, and I loved it. I needed it. To finally be in control of something… I shivered. 

“Tell her, Scootaloo,” I said.

“I… I want this,” she said, voice still wavering and breathy after our kiss. “I know it seems weird, but… yeah, I’m fine.”

“See,” I said, kissing Scootaloo’s cheek. “And I think it’s good that she’s experiencing other parts of herself. Like, she’s still the same Scootaloo, she’s just also getting in touch with her inner soft side. Also, do you think you could make her some dresses? You know some fancy ones and some more casual ones.”

“Casual dresses?” Scootaloo asked. I nodded at her.

“Yeah, so when you’re just around the house, you have something comfy to wear. Maybe we could even get you a work dress,” I said, laughing.

“Please don’t,” she whispered, actual fear in her voice. Alright, that was a line for her and I wouldn’t cross it. I nodded for her.

“So, Poney Island,” I said, trotting to the door. “Is everypony ready?”

Mom nodded, trotting with me to the door while Twilight followed behind. “We’ve been ready,” Mom said. “We were just waiting for the two of you to finish… whatever you were doing.”

“Oh! Sweetie, before we go, I’d like to cast a spell on you,” Twilight said, teleporting between the door and me. “Actually, I want to cast two spells on you.”

“Will they get me stuck in a time loop?” I asked, looking up at her, my grin vanishing as I raised an eyebrow. 

She blushed and shook her head. “No… not unless there’s some–” She caught a look from my Mom. “I promise it won’t.” Her horn lit up, and I felt the tingle of magic running over me. “Are you ready, Rarity?”

Mom nodded and trotted up to the door. The two of them brought their horns together and a bolt of blue and purple magic enveloped the door. Once the magic faded, Mom magically twisted the door’s handle and it swung out. “Great,” I said heading out the door and calling for an elevator. “Now, can you tell me what those spells did?”

“Oh, uhmm… yes, the first spell is the same spell I cast on myself so ponies who don’t know me won’t recognize me,” Twilight said.

“Wait, if they don’t know you, how will they recognize you?” Scootaloo asked. A really good question, but also a direct unfeminine one. Not good for what my Scootaputty wanted. 

“Scootaloo,” I said, nuzzling her neck. “Be a good mare, if you’re going to interrupt somepony, say ‘excuse me,’ first, alright?”

“Really, Sweetie, I don’t think such deference is required for Scootaloo to connect with her ‘feminine’ side,” Mom said, shaking her head. Next to her, Twilight struggled to get into the conversation.

“Actually, I’m… I’m okay with it,” Scootaloo said. 

Mom looked between the two of us. Judging. Evaluating. Her eyes borrowed into mine, drilling deeper into me. “Scootaloo, I trust you, if you think for one second that your relationship is leading Sweetie into a bad direction, you will tell me immediately, alright?” That was fair, I didn’t want to go back to being her.

You’re already there, Sweetie. Or do you not feel how your body burns with power? You’re going to clop yourself silly tonight thinking about this. That was… Yeah, that was probably true. Still, that didn’t mean I was back to Old Sweetie or Old Old Sweetie. I cared about Scootaloo. I loved her. I was mostly doing this for her. Was it so wrong of me to enjoy myself again? To not feel constant self-loathing?

“But without me, how would you check yourself?” Bright Lights said, appearing over my marefriend. I closed my eyes and banished her away. I was in too good a mood to deal with her.

“Anyways…” Twilight said. “What I mean is, if they don’t personally know me, they won’t recognize me, so I can go outside without being swarmed by ponies wanting to meet a princess. I figure it will help you too.”

“Thanks,” I said, nodding my head. “So… what’s the other spell?”

“Oh,” Twilight said as the elevator door slid open. One mirrored wall was covered in cardboard.  “It’s a tracking spell. If you get lost, I can find you, and if you get really lost, I can just teleport you back to me.”

Great, so I couldn’t escape. Not that I wanted to, I liked the hotel, but I at least wanted the option to be able to run away instead of feeling like a total prisoner. At least I was in control of something. I turned to the left of me and saw the pretty mare in her dress. The mare I loved. The mare I’d do anything for. The mare I’d make do anything I wanted.
> 7. Anxiety (Get Nervous)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        We walked down the boardwalk, Luna Park looming large over us. “Why is it named after a princess?” I asked as we walked to the gate. Mom pulled a collection of bits out of her pockets and passed them to the vendor.

        “Four tickets please.”

        “Well, it’s a long story, but it basically boils down to some ponies wanted to get in good with Princess Luna, and after they learned how much she liked Nightmare Night, they thought building a park here to ‘celebrate the thrill of Nightmare Night’ year round would win her favor,” Twilight said while Mom slid the bits under the little opening at the bottom of the ticket master’s booth. He gave a nod and slid four tickets the other way.

        “Did it work?” I asked, looking up at her as Mom turned back to us.

        “Yeah, it definitely worked,” Twilight said, looking at Mom. “How often do you think Luna’s dragged us here?”

        “Oh, three times a year, at least,” Mom said, passing me my ticket. “If she had her way, we’d spend every Princess Day here.”

        “Princess Day?” I asked, frowning. I hadn’t heard of Princess Days.

        “Yes, it’s an idea Twilight had to foster goodwill between the princesses. Four times a season, we all get together and each princess gets to plan the day’s itinerary. Twilight usually gets us all together to play whatever her favorite board game is at the moment, Celestia just has us spend a day sipping tea and gossiping, Cadance… Cadance isn’t too predictable, and do you want to guess what Princess Luna chooses?”

        “Luna Park?” I asked. 

        Mom nodded. “Luna Park. Every time. If the park was open during winters, she’d probably drag us here to freeze our tails off.” We trotted through the turnstile and were immediately met with a giant picture of Princess Luna waving at us.

        “Hello,” a mare dressed up and painted to look like the princess said. “Welcome to Luna Park, where the fun has been doubled!”

        “Wow,” I said, looking around at the rides towering over us but somehow still managing to be dwarfed by the skyscrapers off in the distance. “How come I’ve never been here before?”

        “Because you were drugged to oblivion and in the clutches of Bright Lights,” Mom said, suddenly standing next to me. Wasn’t she– I whipped my head back. Yep, security was still patting down her vest. 

        “Hey,” I said, looking back to my hallucination. “Since you’re supposed to be one of my good hallucinations, is there any chance you could not appear as somepony I’m currently with? It gets confusing.”

        “What are you talking about?” she asked, her voice sounding distinctly Scootaloo-ish. “It’s the real me, I’m right here, I… Do we need to go home?”

        “No,” I said, shaking my head and getting rid of the fake-Mom to reveal the real Scootaloo, still in her pretty red dress. “And don’t talk to me like that, it’s not very mare-ish.”

        She glared at me. “Who cares? Look, I like playing this game with you, but when you start acting bad, I’m going to take charge and make sure you’re alright.” She paused and bit her lip. “Okay?” And then her spine was gone, and it was back to being my little putty. 

        “Okay,” I said before giving her another kiss to drive her down, drawing it out nice and long so everypony could get a good look at us. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw ponies turning to stop and stare, driving me on to kiss her down deeper. When I finally ended it, there was a nice circle of onlookers staring at us and Scootaloo’s face was burning red with more than just embarrassment. “That’s fine, but then I’m going to remind you you’re my mare.” I nuzzled her cheek. “Alright?”

        “Alright,” she whispered, either ignoring or not noticing our audience, and leaning in to me and forcing me to support her weight while her legs recovered from being jellified. 

        “Good,” I said, stroking her mane, feeling her heat pressed against my cheek and thinking of all the things we could do once we got past kissing. “And I’m good, thanks for asking. Just… next time you have to ask, you should try to ask more feminine. I like it when you get all subby with me.”

        “You mean mare-ish,” she said, slowly taking more weight off me and supporting herself.

        I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “Like there’s any difference for you.”

        “Were we that bed when we started dating?” Twilight asked as she and my Mom trotted over to us.

        Mom shook her head and nuzzled her princess’s cheek. “No, but they’re young and in love, and if they want to broadcast their affection to all of Equestria, that’s their business.” She smirked. “Besides, we didn’t get out as much when we started dating. I dare say, if we spent more than a few hours out of the castle, I might not have been able to keep my composure.”

        Twilight laughed. “Really? You, lose your composure? I’d like to see that.”

        “You have,” Mom said, ending her nuzzling with a kiss on Twilight’s cheek and readjusting Twilight’s vest after the guards had messed with it. “Several times, in fact, but… not in public, no. Never in public.”

        “Except for the Gala,” Twilight said, giggling. “Oh, Sweetie, you should have seen it, your mom assaulted a prince.”

        Mom harumphed and held her head up. “He deserved it. Besides, I don’t think getting cake on him counts as assault.” Her eyes twinkled as she looked at Twilight. “But I think it worked out alright in the end, don’t you?”

        Twilight leaned in to Mom and gave out a sigh. “Definitely. Blueblood didn’t know what he was giving up – which is a good thing; otherwise, I think I would have had to duel him, and you know how terrible my fencing game is.”

        “It’s not so bad, Twilight,” Mom said, looking around at the crowds that flowed around us. The fake Luna had moved to the other side of the little welcome pavilion. “Yes, your form is a bit wild, but you’ve made massive improvements since we started. You’re still a touch too direct, though.”

        “What do you mean I’m too direct? You get points by making hits, not by doing all these little half-attacks and feints,” Twilight said. I floated a map away from one of the stands and brought it over so I could see what was actually here. Ooh, the Wonderbolt looked fun. Scootaloo and I could probably do that. Maybe not Mom and Twilight, though. Mom would probably get upset because it messed with her mane.

        “And that is why you fail, Twilight, dearest. Feints are integral to the game. It’s as much about deception and illusion as it is about attacks and parries. I create a fake opening, and more times than not, you overextend yourself going for it,” Mom said. I looked from the map to try to find where the Wonderbolt was. Oh, and there was a ferris wheel, all four of us could do that, I bet.

        “Hey, sometimes I get the point,” Twilight said. I glanced at Scootaloo, who was looking about as impatient as I was. If they were going to talk, they could do it while we walked.

        “So, who’s up for the Wonderbolt?” I asked, taking off towards the electric-blue roller coaster. Scootaloo immediately went off with me, and a second later, the older two started moving with us.

        “But most of the time, I get you on the riposté. If I win 80% of the time, it’s a good gamble,” Mom said from behind us. There was a pause. “I think the two of us will sit that one out, Sweetie. You and Scootaloo should enjoy yourself, though, and we’ll be at the exit when you’re done.” Because apparently fencing was fine, but a roller coaster was just too much excitement.

        “What do you say, Scootaloo,” I asked, grinning at my marefriend and her flowing red dress that accentuated all her femininity. She needed a short skirt. Something about a mare in a short skirt that went to just past her dock drove me crazy, like… it felt dirtier and more revealing than not wearing anything. Like she was being framed. “Feel like going for a ride? Or will you get your dress messed up?”

        “I think I’ll be fine,” she said before looking back at her dress’s train. “I swear, if you gave me a dress that’s so frilly I can’t ride any of the fun rides, I’ll…”

        I sauntered up next to her and whispered in her ear. “If you can’t ride any rides, I’ll make it up to you tonight. We’ll have a 101 class on all the awesome feminine things you probably don’t know about.” I paused, catching her gulp. “Actually, we can do that anyways.”

        “And if I’m not ready?” she asked, her wings twitching under my dress. Oh yeah, her future dresses needed wing holes or whatever they were called. Mom could probably handle that, though. 

        “We’ll wait until you’re ready,” I said, sighing. “Even if there’s really no reason to wait.”

        “Thanks,” she said. Some schoolfillies giggled as they walked past her, and her head lowered, cheeks going as red as her dress. She was so sexy and cute when she was embarrassed. I loved it. Behind us, Mom and Twilight were still arguing about proper fencing technique, and why did they even bother with that stuff? Was fencing that fun?

        “Well, Sweetie, some ponies have hobbies outside of sex,” Scootaloo said. Wait, I hadn’t said that out loud, so that probably meant… hallucination. Definitely a hallucination. 

        My hobby wasn’t just sex. I had… other interests.

        “Besides drugs and alcohol?” the dream Scootaloo asked. “Sure, you like singing, but that’s not a hobby, that’s your ‘calling.’ At least, it’s supposed to be. How many hours have you spent singing since you returned? How many hours have you spent fantasizing?”

        You know I want to sing. I looked down. I did. I did want to sing, but stupid Bright Lights…

        The other Scootaloo groaned. “It’s always her fault, isn’t it?”

        I grit my teeth and pulled the hallucination back in my head. Can we please do this in here so I don’t start talking with myself out loud. You know how much that worries Scootaloo. And then she isn’t your little subby plaything, right? And we can’t have that.

        I tilted my head. I just don’t like upsetting her. Oh, no, of course not, and it’s just an added benefit that you’re enjoying it so much, right? I closed my eyes. “Scootaloo, you should go ahead to the Wonderbolt, I’ll be along in a few minutes.”

        She was looking at me. Even though my eyes were closed, I could feel it. “Nothing’s wrong,” I said before she could ask her next question. “I just need time to think.” No questions, no arguments, hopefully she was still feeling subby enough not to ask more.

        “Alright,” she said, voice moving further away from me. I peeked one eye open and found a decent looking bench, weaving away from Mom and Twilight to take a seat. They stopped to keep an eye on me. I guess that was understandable. I closed my eyes again and tried to draw myself into the Dreaming. A part of me stayed on that bench at Luna Park, but another part drifted through the inky black. 

        “Okay,” I said, trying to form something around me. “We can talk now.” A floor formed beneath me, and I saw a couch shape itself out of the Dreaming. 

        “Wonderful,” my mom said, taking a seat on the couch. “We’re starting to get rather worried about you.”

        “Not worried like we were three years ago, not that bad,” a smaller version of me said, sitting next to my mom. 

        “But we think this relationship with Scootaloo might be causing you to backslide. You’re starting to be a bit of a bully, dear.”

        “Only because she wants me to be!” I said, taking a step forward. The scene shaping up around me looked– Why? Why did I have to be back in the penthouse? I tried to reshape the scene with my mind, but it refused to budge.

        “I think you’re doing great,” Scootaloo said, lounging on the loveseat and patting a spot for me. “It’s good we’re finally getting back out there.”

        “Thank you,” I said, nodding my head at her. “At least some part of me gets it.”

        “Sweetie, we get it, we’re just worried it’s not what you really need. You’ve been rather controlling today, and… We’re just worried,” Mom said, stroking the younger me’s mane. “We all want what’s best for you, not like that awful Bright Lights.”

        “Yeah!” Young Me said. “We aren’t going to let you send us away again. You’re going to listen to us this time.”

        I groaned and rubbed my head. “But I’m finally feeling a little happy again. What’s so bad about that?”

        Young Me glared at me. I looked from her to Scootaloo and decided who I wanted to sit next to. I hopped up next to my marefriend and wrapped her close while the other two kept their eyes on me. “You remember what happened the last time you just wanted to be happy?” Young Me asked. 

        “It’s different this time,” I said, drawing closer to Scootaloo. “Why can’t you be more like Scootaloo, here? She isn’t mad at me.”

        “Scootaloo’s representing your lust today,” Mom said, sighing, and I couldn’t help but notice the way my marefriend burned at my touch. I let myself sink deeper into her heat. “Of course she won’t be complaining.”

        “Really?” I asked, looking up at Scootaloo and recognizing that hunger in her eyes. It was the one I saw in the mirror sometimes. 

        She nodded. “You bet. Got a problem with that?”

        “No,” I said, shaking my head. “So… do you have all the same… issues the real Scootaloo has?”

        “I’m you,” she said, smiling and kissing the tip of my horn, sending a jolt of pleasure racing from the tip to my back leg. “Whatever you want, I can be. Want to whip me ‘til I squeal, we can do that, or I can do the whipping or…” She sighed. “Or we can just cuddle. Whatever you’re up for is fine.”

        “Cool,” I said, looking up at her. I had a whole Scootaloo that would do whatever I wanted. Or, I guess I had another Scootaloo who would do whatever I wanted. I grinned.

        “Just what you need,” Young Me said. “A whole fantasy world you can retreat into. Why bother with a real relationship when you just have Scootalust there to give you a quick dirty fix.”

        “Hey, I have a real relationship,” I said, sitting up and pulling away from my warm Scootapillow. “It’s great, she loves me, and she’d do anything for me. Not that I’d–”

        “Oh, please,” Young Me said. “A real relationship? She doesn’t even like mares. You really think you can convert her?”

        “Uhmm… yeah,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Mares are just… better. I can basically do everything a stallion can, plus I know a bunch of other things.”

        “Not everything,” Mom said, sighing. “There’s one key feature that I don’t think you can replicate. Plus, it’s hard to change some ponies’ preferences. Would you ever sleep with a stallion?”

        “No,” I said, shaking my head and wrapping a hoof around my Scootaloo and drawing her close. “But there’s so much more to sex than just that one thing. Like… why’s it such a big deal? Plus – Plus! – Scootaloo wants me to be with her. Yeah, maybe I have to act a bit more dominant than I’d like, but…”

        Mom and Young Me just glared at me. “Okay,” I said, after a long moment. “Actually, I’m really liking being dominant right now, but she’s liking being subby. Did you see how cute she looked, embarrassed in public?”

        “You do realize you’re taking pleasure in her embarrassment, right?” Mom said, tapping a hoof. “Do you think I’d ever take pleasure in embarrassing my Twilight?”

        “No, but Twilight didn’t ask you to,” I said, stomping a hoof. “Look, I get where you’re coming from, I get that you’re worried about me being that mare again, but it’s not going to happen. I’m only doing what she wants me to do because that’s what I have to do for her to like me. It’s fun too, but…” I shook my head and pulled myself back to reality. “It’s not a crime for me to enjoy myself. It’s okay if I feel good every now and then. I don’t think I should have to make myself miserable the rest of my life because of what I did. I love being with Scootaloo, I like seeing her go all subby, and she likes it too, so I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong.” I snapped my eyes open and looked at the real Mom and Twilight who were sitting next to me on a bench, and I waited for the voices to respond.

        Nothing.

        I gave a nod and pushed myself off the bench. Good, they weren’t going to be bothering me for at least a little while. “I’m going to meet Scootaloo,” I said, heading off to the Wonderbolt.

        “Are you sure you’re fine, Sweetie,” Mom said, following off behind me. “If you’re not feeling well, we can always–”

        “I feel great,” I said, rolling my eyes where she couldn’t see. “I feel better than I have in a long time, and I’m just trying to make sure I don’t ruin it for me. Like… things are good, I have you, I have Scootaloo, we’re going to deal with the news thingy so I can start living a life again, and I’m actually outside doing stuff. I’m not in a penthouse or hospital room or hotel. So why should I be upset with myself?”

        “I don’t know,” Mom said, stepping up her pace to draw closer to me. Twilight lagged along behind her. “Why do you think you should?”

        “That’s the thing,” I said, shaking my head. “I shouldn’t. I’m doing what I want, I’m doing what other ponies want, I’m not hurting anypony, so why should I feel bad? I should feel great, right? I do feel great.” Until something goes wrong and you go crashing down. Well great, that was a fun thought. Do you really think this mood can last? This isn’t you anymore.

        But I wasn’t the super depressed mare either. I was.. I was… Fine. I was fine. Dancing on the razor’s edge between mania and loathing hardly feels fine. If you were fine, you could sing.

        My throat tightened. I could sing… theoretically, I could sing. I’d get there. But you’re not fine.

        Hadn’t I just had a conference so all the voices in my head could vent? I did? Then why were they still yelling at me?

        “Fine, I’m not fine,” I snapped. “Not completely. But I’m trying to get there. I’m trying to feel better, and you’re not making it easy.”

        “Because you’re not actually dealing with your problems,” Mom said. I spun around to face her and stepped back into the penthouse. Buck. Not in public. Not on my first day out. I struggled to pull my head out of the dreamscape before Mom and Twilight got too worried. I just wanted to enjoy myself. Was that so wrong?

        “Not at all,” Mom said. In my dreams, she was always taller than me, even if I could look her in the eyes in reality. “But we don’t think you’re actually dealing with your problems. Instead, you’re just chasing after what makes you feel good.”

        “Yeah,” I said, turning away from her and pulling myself somewhere else. Unfortunately, it was the stupid hospital room, and now I was wrapped up in wires and bandages, lying in bed. “Because I like feeling good. I’m not hurting anyone to feel good this time, so what’s the problem?”

        “The problem is you don’t deserve to feel good yet,” Bright Lights said, bursting out of my Mom like some horror movie monster, leaving an empty shell behind her. “Not after what you’ve done. Not when you’re still the same broken mare who made all those bad decisions in the first place.”

        I rolled my eyes. “Oh my gosh, say something different,” I said, poofing myself from the hospital bed to the Manehattan skyline and falling fast. Ground rushed up to meet me and– I closed my eyes and popped into the hotel room. “This is better, I guess,” I said, getting up on my hooves. I looked around. Hmm, I hadn’t seen the Twilight hallucination in a while. Was she going to judge me again?

        “So…” I said, shaking my head. “What are you supposed to be this time?” I tried again to pull myself out of the Dreaming, but I felt stuck, like the fabric of the Dreaming refused to respond to me.

        “It’s me, Sweetie,” Twilight said, staring at me. “Don’t you recognize me? We’ll have to get you back to the doctor’s office for a follow up with Grey Matter.”

        “Wait,” I said, frowning at the lack of magic around me. “Are you… You’re the real Twilight? You’re not going to have somepony else just pop out of you or have the world dissolve or send me to pony hell?” I shook my head. “But that can’t be right, how could I get back to the hotel room? We were at Luna Park, right?”

        “We were,” Twilight said, looking like she was torn between giving me a hug and putting me under a microscope. “And then you told Scootaloo to head on to the Wonderbolt and collapsed onto the ground.”

        “Oh,” I said. “That… that’s not how I remember it. I remember telling her to go to the Wonderbolt, and then I went to sit on a bench and… think for a minute. That didn’t happen?” That definitely wasn’t good. I just collapsed? Completely? With no warning and didn’t know it? Not just that, I didn’t even know I was Dreaming.

        Twilight shook her head. “I’m sorry, Sweetie. When you collapsed, we tried to get you back up, but you didn’t respond, so I did a rapid-series teleport to get back to the hotel room and then used the recall spell. I… What did you see?”

        “I thought I was at the park, still,” I said. “There were some hallucinations, but not more than usual…” I looked down at my hooves and moved over to the couch, careful not to look at the outside. “So… has this happened before? Have I just gone into a dream and not even realized it?”

        “You have a hoof in the Dreaming and corporeal world simultaneously,” Luna’s voice whispered in my ear. “You drift between both realms.” 

        “I haven’t noticed anything,” Twilight said, shaking her head and pulling me back to reality. “Sometimes you kind of zone out and stare at the ceiling, but I just assumed you were thinking. Your mom gets the same way when she’s thinking hard about something.” Great, so I could have been having more hallucinations, and I didn’t realize it. How much of my life was just a dream?

        “Am I… Are Scootaloo and I dating?” I asked, looking up at Twilight. Maybe that was too good to be true.

        “Yes,” she said, nodding her head. She held up a hoof and trotted to her bedroom. “I’m going to get a scroll of paper, and then we’re going to make a list of what we know about you, to help you figure out what’s real and what’s not. If both our lists agree on something, it’s probably not a hallucination, right?”

        I nodded.


***

stupid
        “Okay, so I didn’t have lunch with you all Wednesday?” I asked, looking between my list and Twilight’s. “I guess that explains why I was so hungry for dinner. What did you think I was doing?”

        “We just thought you were in your room. Do you remember Rarity coming in to call you for lunch?” Twilight asked, crossing lines through most of the events on her list.

        “Yeah,” I said, closing my eyes. “I told her I’d already eaten. I thought it was weird she was calling me to lunch again, but…” I shook my head. “I don’t know.” I was going crazy. Or crazier. They were going to toss me into a padded cell soon, and that would be it. The end of me. On the other hoof, you’ll be able to slip into whatever fantasy world you wish. Not super reassuring. Still, better than just a padded cell, I guess. Maybe they’d let Mom design my straitjacket. 

        “Hey, Twilight,” I asked, peeking an eye at the list. “Does it… does it look like my fantasies are more common now? Like, back in the hospital, there weren’t many, and then starting from the day before I left the hospital, there’s been at least one a day.” I shivered. “Am I getting worse?”

        She opened her mouth when the door to our hotel room swung open and my Mom and Scootaloo trotted in. “Oh, thank goodness, Sweetie Belle,” Mom said, rushing over to give me a hug. “Are you feeling better?”

        I pulled back and shook my head, feeling a warmth in my eyes. Today had started out so well, too, and then… it was the stupid voices in my head. They just couldn’t let me be happy. “I’m getting sicker,” I said, pointing to the list. “I’m having these weird waking fantasies, and sometimes, I don’t even know when I go in them. Like… today, I thought… I don’t know, I knew I was in a fantasy for some parts of it, but… I could have sworn everything was mostly fine until Twilight teleported me here.”

        Mom nodded, grim. “We’ll have to make an appointment with Dr. Grey Matter as soon as we can,” she said. “Scootaloo, could you run to the hospital and see if he can see us tomorrow?” Scootaloo nodded and moved to the door.

        “And I can talk with Princess Luna about it tonight,” I said. She’d know something. She knew everything about dreaming. She’d just give me some new exercise to do, and it would be fine. I looked around at the two sets of eyes staring at me. “Oh… have I not mentioned my dream talks with Princess Luna? We… she’s been helping me with my dreams lately.”

        “I’ll convey my sincerest gratitude, then,” Mom said, slumping down on the couch. “And I suppose the next time she wants to go to Luna Park, I won’t put up much of a fight. Much.” She rested her head on the hoofrest. “Although I do wish she’d informed me of the situation. So, she’s been guarding your dreams?”

        I sighed and opened my mouth. Something told me the only way to get out of this would be telling them all about my night talks with Princess Luna.


***


        “Okay,” Mom said, blinking at me. Over my story, she’d picked herself up off the couch and turned to its opposite end to look at me like I’d sprouted a second horn right in front of her. “So… your episode in the penthouse led to you having some ability to manipulate your dreams and– Sweetie, I had a dream recently where you featured prominently, was that…?”

        “Dream of evenings as a family with you, Twilight, and me,” I sang, smiling at her.

        Mom nodded and stared at me for a long moment before whispering a quick thank you.

        “Okay, this is great and everything, but I really wish she’d told us what was happening to you. Knowing that would  have made understanding your MScan results a lot easier. Maybe it could even give us a clue about what’s going on with your hallucinations,” Twilight said, trotting back and forth in front of the couch.

        “Well, I just figured the hallucinations were because of my connection to the Dreaming, and I thought I was getting better at controlling them,” I said. Instead, I was getting so crazy, I couldn’t even know what was real anymore. Maybe all this was just a dream. Maybe the whole thing was a dream. Maybe I was still in the penthouse, still dying. Would the whole thing fade to black in a few minutes? 

        “We need to order another battery of tests,” Twilight said. “Compare them to past results and see if there are any major changes. Maybe the growths we initially found weren’t finished. Your brain chemistry could have been changing this whole time, and we didn’t notice it.”

        “Uhmm… But they had me take some other MScans,” I said, recalling the trips to the hospital’s basement and the big giant humming machine.” I ran a hoof through my mane. No headband. Had I hallucinated that? Why? Why would I even do that? Why would you do anything?

        “True,” Twilight said. Mom still sat thinking in her corner, replaying her dream with new context. “But we didn’t know what to look for then. Now, we have a destabilizing border between dreams and reality and an actual physical connection to Luna’s domain. Maybe we can scan her and see if she has anything different about her compared to the average Equestrian, and compare her results to you. Spike!” She looked around and blushed. “Oh, right, he’s still in Ponyville.” She trotted over to a desk and pulled out a piece of parchment. “It might take a few days for this letter to reach her, but–”

        I cleared my throat. “Or you could just send me to sleep,” I said. “I’ll go make some noise in the Dreaming, and she’ll come to investigate. You have a sleep spell, right?”

        She nodded. I continued. “And it will still let me dream?”

        “It should,” she said. “But if you’re always connected to the Dreaming, why do you need to be asleep?”

        “Do you want me spazzing around and messing things up? If I’m sleeping, I won’t be moving around, and it’s easier for me to move stuff in the Dreaming this way, alright? Just… please don’t cast a spell that will keep me asleep.”

        “Alright, Sweetie,” Twilight said, her horn lighting up, and then my whole world went dark. Immediately, I pulled myself through the dark empty places of the Dreaming, the places where dreamers would go if they were sleeping and brought myself to the hub, where only a handful of gems were revolving around me.

        “Princess Luna!” I shouted, sending a pulse of unrefined dreaming magic from my horn. “Princess Luna!” I gave another pulse, sending it off racing through the Dreaming after its brother. It wouldn’t mess with anything, but it would get her attention no matter what Luna was doing.

        “Luna!” I gave five more shouts and pulses before I felt the fabric of the dreaming twist around me in response, and the midnight-blue alicorn just appeared before me. She looked around wildly, her horn ready to cast before she caught sight of me.

        “Oh, Sweetie, it’s just you… what is it?” Luna asked, the magic in her horn dissipating as she breathed a sigh of relief. 

        I frowned at her. “Well, I think I have a problem…”


***


        “Very distressing,” Luna said when I’d finished my story. “Obviously, I’ll be in Manehattan as quickly as possible to undergo the scans you need. We will spare no expense helping you, Sweetie.”

        “Thanks,” I said, nodding at her head. “So… do you have any idea what might be going on? Like, at all?”

        She shook her head. “I apologize, Sweetie, but I’m afraid I don’t. I never had any trouble keeping both worlds separate. But I will do everything I can to aid you.” Luna paused and tapped a hoof. “If you’ll give me a few hours, I can try to think up some exercises that will keep you keep the Dreaming and your personal life separate.”

        “Thanks,” I said, closing my eyes and thinking of waking up. Once I opened them, I’d be back in the real– corporeal world. “Sorry for bothering you.”

        “Any time, Sweetie Belle,” she said as I opened my eyes and returned to a couch in a hotel room, her words ringing in my head. 

        “Alright, she’s coming,” I said, looking at Twilight and sitting up on the couch. “I’m guessing she’ll be here tomorrow, but…” I shrugged. “Anyways, I think I’m just gonna lie down and try not to dream.” I pushed myself off the couch and looked around for Mom. “Is Mom here?”

        “She is,” Twilight said. “She’s taking care of some things in her room. Do you me to get her?”

        “Sure,” I said, shuffling off to my room. “Just let her know I’ll be in my room, and if she wants to talk, I’ll be there.” Useless broken mare. Even a month later, you’re still miserable and hurting others.

        I sighed, slipping into my room, the door scraping against my coat as I walked through. I memorized every bit of its touch. A dream wouldn’t feel so lifelike, right? Your dream of Scootaloo was convincing enough.

        This day couldn’t end fast enough. I flopped onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. The door creaked open. “Hello, Sweetie,” Mom said, taking a seat next to my bed and looking down at me. When I was in bed, she was still taller than me. “How are you–” She caught herself. We both knew the answer. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

        “Nope,” I said. “Unless you have a time machine and can take  me back to before I messed my life up. Or can uncrazy me.”

        She sighed. “I’ll do what I can, but we both know nothing’s going to fix you.”

        “What?” I asked, sitting up bolt right and staring at her. “What did you say?”

        “Did I… Did I say something wrong, Sweetie? I just said nothing’s going to fix you. I thought that was obvious,” she said, tilting her head at me. “Don’t you know you’re going to be broken and miserable the rest of your life and nothing’s ever going to fix that, no matter how much you pretend otherwise?”

        I launched myself off the bed and tackled her. “How dare you! Don’t say that. Not with her voice, don’t you ever–” She was solid beneath my hooves. My hallucinations were never solid.

        “I’m sorry,” I said, staggering off my mom. “I’m so… I thought you were just another hallucination, I guess… I heard you say awful things, and I just… I didn’t want to hear you say that.”

        Mom got to her hooves, as composed as she could be. “That’s… What did I tell you?”

        “That I was always going to be broken and miserable,” I said, head dropped down. “But I guess it’s true, right? I thought I was doing good, and then – bam! – I went full crazy. Like, all hallucinations, no touch with reality, and then I attacked you, and... You should go.”

        “What?” Mom asked. “Sweetie, I’m not going to leave you alone in this state. You’re… I don’t want you to do something drastic.”

        “Why? The window’s enchanted, right? Besides, even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t jump.” If I was going to– I definitely wouldn’t do it by jumping. “You can wait right outside if you want, but I just… I need to think, and I think better when I’m alone.”

        “Alright,” Mom said, nodding. “I’ll be just outside the door, and if you need anything...”

        “I know, I’ll call,” I said, giving her a hug. “But right now… I’m probably going to be talking to myself, but don’t worry.” She looked at me with big eyes and I saw all the pain I’d ever caused her. I shut my eyes tight, but the image was already burned in my mind. I needed a drink to obliterate it. “If I need you, I’ll knock… or start screaming.”

        “This goes against all my better judgment, but–” I cut her off with a hug before she could talk herself out of my plan. 

        “Thank you,” I said, pulling away from her. “Thank you for trusting me.”

        “Of course,” she said, rubbing her side. “Just… in the future, could you refrain from attacking your hallucinations? I think I’m going to be sore for the rest of your week.”

        “Deal,” I said, trying to give her a smile as she turned and headed to the door. “I’m… really sorry about that, you know I didn’t mean–”

        “I know,” she said, returning my tiny smile. “Right outside.”

        The door shut, and I slumped against it, staring at the mirror on the opposite side of the room. So, we can talk now? I nodded. “Yeah, we can talk.”

        “Excellent,” Bright Lights said, materializing into existence. “So what should we talk about? How you’re losing your mind? How you’re going to push away everyone who loves you? How Scootaloo will never love you for you?”

        “Yes, she will,” I said, looking at her. “It’ll take some time, but I think I can… She likes being subby, and I like seeing her be subby, so…”

        “So that’s what you want?” Bright Lights asked, tilting her head. “To boss her around? To act like a ‘stallion?’ You don’t want her to hold you and tell you everything’s going to be alright?”

        I growled and magically threw a pillow through her. “If I’m going to talk to one of the voices in my head, can it please be not you for a change?”

        She smiled and puffed away in a cloud of smoke. “How ‘bout me?” a voice said. I looked up to see a filly looking through the mirror. A filly I hadn’t seen in a long time. “So,” she said, glaring at me. “You’re what I grow up to be? Kind of wishing I hadn’t grown up at all. Remember back when we had friends? Back when we weren’t a crazy pony? Remember how good things were before you ruined them?”

        “I didn’t ruin them,” I mumbled, looking at a spot several feet below the mirror. “Bright Lights did.”

        She laughed. “Okay, you keep telling yourself that.” Was my voice always that harsh? I thought it was softer and… well, sweeter. “But you know if you really believed that, I wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t your fault, you wouldn’t have to have me remind you of how…” She growled. “Absolutely terrible you are.”

        I got up and trotted over to her. “I’m the bad one? It’s not my fault, I’m the one suffering. I’m the one who’s… I’m the one talking with her own hallucinations. You just wanted to be happy all the time – and look where it got us! This is your fault.”

        Her horn lit up and the mirror cracked as a blast of magic energy hit my cheek. “How dare you!” Young Me yelled. “You’ll blame anyone but yourself, won’t you? I don’t even exist, and you’re still trying to blame me for what you did. You know it’s your fault. I know you do, so just admit it to yourself.”

        “No!” I yelled back and rubbing my cheek where she’d hit me. “It’s not, I don’t care what you say, it’s just… I don’t want to hurt ponies. I just want to do what’s right for me and Scootaloo, so can you just go away?”

        She raised an eyebrow at me and smirked. “I’ll never leave you, Sweetie. You need me. Need me to pull you back from the abyss you’re rushing straight towards. Somepony has to convince you everything’s your fault.”

        I lashed out with my magic, driving as much energy as I could into the mirror and smashing it to pieces. Shards rained down onto the dresser while a few pieces clung to the backing. 

        Something reflected in the pieces, and my stomach dropped. When you break a mirror, you just make more mirrors. The laughter of a thousand ‘me’s’ filled the room, shaking the walls and driving me back to the door. “Did you really think that would work?” they said in unison. “See, this is what we mean. You don’t think anything through, you just act, and look at what it gets us.” My horn flashed and one of the smaller pieces of mirror turned into sand. I laughed. Reflect that.

        “You can’t silence the truth,” the me in the biggest mirror said. “You can’t forget how broken you are. What did Bright Lights call us?” Another flash and she was gone, turned to sand. I screwed my eyes shut and groaned, my magic reserves almost out. I couldn’t stop now.

        “A shard of broken mirror,” another said, smiling. Another flash and she was gone.

        “But at least we can admit what you are. You still think you can be fixed. That you can go back to–” There was another flash, and I smelled the first traces of burning magic. If I put my hoof against my horn, it’d be warm to the touch. It was about to get a lot hotter.

        “No I can’t!” I said, my horn flashing again and turning another piece of me to sand. “I know I can’t, I don’t even want to, I just want to–” Flash, burn, sand. “–Move on and forget any of this ever happened. Is it so wrong for me to want a life again?” The first me to open her mouth got the sand treatment.

        “Yes,” another piece said. “You can’t. You can’t forget this. You can’t forget what you are.”

        “What’s the saying? Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it?” another me said after I smashed the previous speaker to sand. My breath was coming out ragged now, and the burning smell was getting stronger. I looked at the pieces still left. They all had to go, it was the only way to get rid of them.

        “Well, you can’t afford to do that,”  a small sliver of me said, eyes burrowing into me as I readied the spell to end her. “Look at all the suffering and pain you’ve already inflicted on those you claim to love. Can you really put them through that–”

        “You know what’s really not helping them?” I snarled, incinerating two more me-slivers with magic fire. “This! Me going crazy and talking to myself and locking myself in my room and murdering all my hallucinations. If you really cared about them, you wouldn’t do this to me.”

        “You’re right,” one of the remaining slivers said. “If you really cared about them, you wouldn’t do this to yourself. Further evidence that all you care about is you. Bright Lights was right about us. We needed to be dominated so our terribleness could be kept in check. Maybe you should see if Scootaloo will hold your– Oh wait, she won’t. I guess she doesn’t love you enough to do what–” I’d let that one talk way too long. More flashes of magic fire filled the room and more pieces of me burned. 

I advanced on the last mirror piece left, grinning as bits of my mane popped loose. The world was burning now, and I could feel my horn actually sizzling from sheer magic use. Smoke filled the room. “You think you can get rid of me?” the last survivor said, flashing into Bright Lights. “All you managed to do is break a mirror. I hope you’re proud of your–”

“Shut up!” I said, horn flashing one last time as I slumped onto my bed. Note to self, don’t try talking to yourself when you’re upset. It just makes things worse. I looked at the backboard where the mirror used to go. Twilight and Mom would have to pay for that. Because of me.

“You can’t get rid of us,” the pile of mirror dust said, flowing off the dresser and up the floor, snaking towards me. “We’re a part of you.” I tried to push myself off the bed, to get away from them, but my legs refused to move after I’d burned through all my energy. Bits of mirror began to coat my hooves, sinking in past the fur scraping into the flesh, as the mirror coating climbed up me. I tried to light my horn up to push them away, but it refused. It was done after what I’d put it through. I was done now, too.

Mirror dust coated my muzzle, stung into my eyes, I tried to open my mouth to scream, but it just poured down my throat, digging into me as it went, filling my lungs and cutting them up. I gagged, trying to cough them up, trying to scream, trying to–

A knock on the door. My head whipped around to the source, around to the door I was slumped against. I blinked. I was fine. Everything was fine. No shards of glass were attacking me, and the mirror was in one piece. “Who is it?” I growled, shaking my head.

“It’s me, Sweetie,” Scootaloo said. I blinked and lucked out at the window. It was dark now. Had I been out that long? How come Luna hadn’t helped me? Because she wasn’t in the Dreaming. Right, okay. I exhaled in a long breath. Nothing was cutting my lungs up. I was fine. I rolled my eyes. Well…

“One minute,” I said, getting off the floor and trotting to the mirror, pulling a sheet from my bed, and dropping it over my bed. I couldn’t help but grin. Before I covered her up, the me in the mirror looked terrible black rings were under her eyes, her mane was a mess, and she had this completely crazy smile on her face. You know you’re the mare in the mirror, right?

Oh, right. I pressed my head against the sheet and the mirror. “What is it?”

“I wanted to see if you were doing alright,” she said, door still closed. I grabbed the knob with my magic and twisted it.

“Wasn’t Mom guarding the door?” I asked, imagining I could see her in the mirror. Imagining her little frown of worry while she tried to keep up a good face. I peeked back. My imagination was right. I tried not to see how she flinched from me. I must’ve looked really bad.

“We traded places after I got back. Your appointment is tomorrow morning at 9:00. They’re gonna want to keep you in the hospital for a few more days while they look through the results,” Scootaloo said, looking at me. 

“No.” I turned to face her. “I’m not going to spend another night there. If I have to be crazy somewhere, I’d rather have it be here. You, Mom, and Twilight Sweetie-proofed the hotel room, right?”

She nodded and I took a step forward, pushing my fear aside for the moment. “Mostly your mom and Twilight,” she said.

“Then I’m staying here. If you want to keep me in my room and bring a nurse over, that’s fine, but I’m not going backwards. I’m not going to backslide into the hospital just a week after they let me out.”

“But…”

“No,” I said, stomping my hoof down. “I’m not going back. They can do whatever they want, but I’m not spending another night there. Got it?”

“Yeah, fine,” she said. “But if they want a nurse to come home with you and tell you to spend all your time in bed, you’re doing it.”

“As long as I don’t have to be there, I’m fine,” I said, eyes narrowed. I rubbed my head. “I’m sorry for ruining our day out, I was really looking forward to our first ‘date.’”

“Don’t apologize,” Scootaloo said, smiling and shaking her head. Right, that wasn’t very ‘stallioney’ of me. “It happens, you’ll have bad days. But the important thing is we’re all working to get you better. Get you back how you used to be.”

My jaw clenched. “I wasn’t very ‘stallioney’ before,” I said, feeling something twitch in me. 

She blinked and grinned. “Yeah, I guess not. So, like you were before, but awesomer.”

“Great,” I said, matching her grin but not feeling it in my eyes. “So we’re not breaking up?”

“No way,” she said, shaking her head. “It stinks you had a bad day, but I’m not going to dump you just because you had an episode. I knew what I was signing up for. So, what do you want to do?”

Have you hold me and cuddle me and tell me I’m not going crazy. Tell me everything’s going to be fine. “You’re sleeping with me tonight,” I said. She opened her mouth to protest, but I cut her off. “Not sex, we’ll do that when you’re ready, but tonight, you’re going to be my little Scootapillow.”

“Really?” Scootaloo asked, raising an eyebrow but taking a step towards the bed.

        “Really,” I said, nodding my head and floating the sheet back to the bed, daring a glimpse of the me-in-the-mirror. She got to be cuddled by mirror Scootaloo, while I had to… well, some cuddling was better than no cuddling at all. And besides, wasn’t it worth it to be with Scootaloo? I loved her, and she’d done so much to help me. “You want to feel subby and marey? You want me to shove your face in your femininity? Well, nothing’s more that than being cuddled, so that’s what we’re doing tonight. Alright?”

        She nodded and hopped into bed, wiggling under the covers. I followed in after her on the other side of the bed, tucking the sheets in after me. We both looked at each other. “Uhmm… what are you doing?” I asked, looking at her.

        “Being in bed?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Like you told me?”

        “You’re facing the wrong way, though. You should be on your right side.”

        She shook her head. “Why should I? I always sleep on my left side. Every time we’ve had a sleepover, I’ve been on my left side.”

        “Well, I sleep on my right side, so…” Instead of letting her respond, I pushed myself on top of her, and pressed my lips against hers, driving the both of us into my pillows and resting the top of my body against hers, feeling the thudding of her heart in me and savoring her closeness. I had to get my enjoyment where I could. “Right side,” I said, whispering in her ear after our kiss had ended. She nodded and rolled so I could wrap my forehooves around her and press her tight against me, giving a happy little wiggle as I drew her close. Her tail instinctively slid between my legs so I could get closer to her and I smiled. It might not be sex, wasn’t even close, really, but the two of us were pressed tight, as she let me wrap around her. As she let me feel how her body burned and she felt my own heat. 

You’re going to hurt her. You’re going to ruin things with your craziness. It’s just a matter of time. I silenced the thought, instead focusing on the way my head rested on a small pillow of her mane, muzzle just reaching the base of her ear. “Good, right?”

There was a nod and a happy sigh in response. I let myself smile. She was happy. Because of me. I didn’t have to just hurt ponies, I could make them happy and make myself happy too. There wasn’t anything wrong with that. Scootaloo’s breathing slowed. She was happy. I’d made her like that, so why should I feel guilty? I was doing good. Doing the right thing. I ignored the voice whispering in the back of my head. Nope, everything was fine. I magically flipped the lights in my room off, plunging the mirror into darkness. I was doing the right thing, I was helping ponies. 

This was good. This was right. This was what I’d wanted in my dream. I stared ahead at nothing and repeated that to myself until I followed Scootaloo to sleep.

> 8. Hooked on a Feeling
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        I looked between the two scans in front of my table. Normal brain. Crazy brain. Normal brain. My brain. Back and forth. Normal. Crazy. Good. Bad. My brain had some weird restructuring going on and looked like a Hearth’s Warming Tree gone overboard, while a normal brain just had a few centers of glowing activity at any time. 

“We want to see what your brain looks like when you’re hallucinating,” Dr. Grey Matter said as I was sent into the machine. “Do you think you can induce hallucinations for me?”

I shook my head, sending the memory away and going back to looking at the two pictures. Where did they get the other one? Was it just a standard normal brain? What was a standard normal brain? Everypony was a little odd, right? Nope, just you. I glanced to the bottle of pills they’d given me with some long unpronounceable name. I just remembered its street name: Deep Sleep. Would it be worth it to take it again? Just to get some rest from everything for a few hours?

“Knock knock,” Mom said, knocking on the door to my room. “Can I come in, Sweetie?”

“Sure,” I said, weaving the spell Princess Luna’d taught me last night and sending out a pulse of magic, looking for any threads of Dreaming around me. If you were normal crazy, the spell wouldn’t work, but you’re extra-strength Sweetie crazy. I ignored the voice as the magic bounced back to me and I felt the results. She was real. “How are you? How’s Twilight? How’s Scootaloo?”

“You know, you could come out and ask us,” Mom said, smiling. “We’d love to hear from you. Luna should be here soon.”

“I’ll probably be out later,” I said, rubbing the back of my head and glancing to where the curtains hid my window. “Just wanting to think right now. Alone. Now, how are you all?”

“I’m as well as can be expected, Scootaloo’s… Sweetie, is something wrong with her? She’s been acting odd these last few days,” Mom said, sitting next to me at my little table in the corner.

“Probably just getting used to her feminine side,” I said, shrugging and looking back to the copies of my scan results. “You know, she’s experiencing a whole new part of herself, that would make anypony act odd, right?”

Mom nodded, but I noticed the way her eyes narrowed for a second. “Yes, I suppose that’s true. It seems we’ve all been learning a lot about ourselves lately,” she said. She shook her head. “I know I’m being rather silly and beating on an old drum, but I’m just worried about your recovery, especially after yesterday.”

“I know,” I said, slumping my head down on top of the scans. “And it’s fine, maybe you should be worried and… I just don’t want to go back to the hospital, you know?”

Mom wrapped a hoof around me. “That won’t happen unless it’s absolutely necessary, Sweetie. Well, you’ll be going back for daily scans, but you won’t be staying there. I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to be bedridden all day.”

“Wish I was in my own bed,” I said, rubbing the back of my head. “The hotel’s bed’s better than the hospital bed, but I miss my bed back at the Boutique. I miss the Boutique.” I’d even take my penthouse bed over the hotel bed, now. It was better for what I had in mind with Scootaloo, anyways.

There was a drawn out ‘hmm’ from Mom. “Yes, about the Boutique, well... Sweetie, it’s a long story, but I kind of… sold it.”

“What?!” I shouted, sitting up and tugging Mom back with me. “You sold the Boutique? Are you crazy? That was… that was your dream. That was the most important thing in the world to you. I remember how mad you were when I burned it down. Accidentally burned it down.”

“Yes, I remember,” Mom said, nodding her head and untangling from me. “Very well, in fact – but no, the Boutique was never what was most important to me. You were, and… once my relationship with Twilight became public knowledge, the law forced me to give it up. Dating royalty gave me an unfair edge over my competitors.”

“So you gave up dressmaking for Twilight?” I asked, tilting my head at her. “You love her that much?”

She nodded. “I do, but I didn’t have to give up dressmaking completely. I still take commissions from pre-existing clients, and my designs are raffled off to various other stores.” Mom smiled at something I didn’t understand. “I managed to find my balance.”

“I wish I had somepony I loved enough to give up singing for.” I laughed. “Actually, I guess first, I’d have to be able to sing.”

“You’ll get there,” Mom said, patting me on the back. “Oh! Those records you requested came in today. It’s quite the collection.”

“Well, yeah,” I said, getting to my hooves and trotting to the door. “I need to understand whole other genres of music. I don’t just want to be the show-tunes mare any more; I want to do real stuff. I want to make my own songs, but first I need to know what type of songs I want to make. What about rock? That’s different.”

Mom grabbed the door with her magic before I could, keeping it shut. “That would be… different, certainly. I never imagined you having the voice for it, but…” She sighed. “Listen first, I suppose. Learn what you want to write, and then go after it. If that’s rock and roll, you’ll have my full support, even if I can’t offer much fashion advice in that particular department.”

I tried to imagine that, wearing a faux leather jacket, maybe putting my hair up in a mohawk. I laughed. Maybe not. Laughter? That’s not self-loathing. “Can’t be sad all the time,” I said, shaking my head and turning back to the door. “Anyways, can you let me out? I kind of want to get to listening.”

“Certainly,” Mom said, smiling but keeping her horn lit. “But first, you need to talk with Doctor Hooves.”

“Ugh, do I have to?” I asked, shaking my head. “Can’t we put it off until tomorrow?”

“Absolutely not,” Mom said. “He is your doctor, your regular meetings with him are a condition of your release, and after the last few days you’ve had, you are not getting out of it.”

“But I’m feeling better now,” I said, smiling for her. “I feel good, and if I start talking with him, I’ll stop feeling good, and isn’t feeling good kind of the whole point of seeing him?”

“No, Sweetie,” Mom said, tapping her hoof. “The point isn’t feeling good, it’s recovering. Ignoring your issues is like leaving a wound undressed. Unhealthy and potentially lethal.”

My ears went flat. “Fine. He’s right outside the door, isn’t he?”

“Mhmm-hmm,” she said, nodding and letting the door swing open to reveal my doctor. “You two have fun. In the meantime, I’ll be making sure Twilight doesn’t refer to you as ‘the subject’ again.” She growled, heading to the exit. “Oh, and checking on Scootaloo, of course, the poor dear’s been terribly indecisive on these dresses she wants me to make.” Mom gave me a look at that, like she was trying to solve one of her crossword puzzles and make a word fit right.

“Hello, Sweetie,” Doctor Hooves said, trotting past my mom and entering my room, saddlebags scraping the doorway. “I heard you had a busy few days.”

I laughed. “You heard already?” I asked, trotting back to my seat. 

“The rough outline,” he admitted, taking a seat at the table and looking at my scans. “But I want to hear from you what happened. Without their editorializing and filtering.”

“Well, I went full crazy.” He tsked at the last word. “Like, I just started hallucinating and didn’t even realize it. You’ve got to admit, that’s pretty crazy.”

“So, you started hallucinating worse than usual. Why?” he asked, ignoring my question and pulling his pen and notebook out from his saddlebag.

“Uhmm… because I’m crazy?” I said, tilting my head at him. “Didn’t I just tell you that? I thought therapists were supposed to be good listeners.”

“We are,” he said, scratching into his notebook. “Now, tell me the truth.”

“I am,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Why can’t you just accept crazy as an answer?”

“Because if I did, I wouldn’t be a very good therapist. Now, in the past, your hallucinatory episodes have been triggered by strong emotions, which…” he grabbed my scan and looked at it. “Seems to have some neurological support. So, was anything particularly upsetting when this episode happened?”

I laughed. “I was happy. For the first time in… years, I felt almost okay, so nope. Nothing upsetting. The only stupid upsetting thing was me.” I winced. I’d promised Mom I wouldn’t, even if I deserved it. “Sorry,” I said.” Same old Sweetie, still finding things to mess up.

“Really,” he said, leaning in closer to me. “You felt happy? Why?”

“What, am I not allowed to feel happy now? Do I have to keep suffering forever? Is not wanting to feel awful all the time too much to ask for?” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“I never said that, Sweetie,” he said, looking at me with a complete lack of judgment. “But it’s interesting to me your mind immediately went there. Not surprising, though, considering the immense feelings of guilt you’ve expressed over the course of our sessions. So, did your feelings of happiness make you feel guilty?”

        “I guess,” I said, looking away from him. “Like, I did all this awful stuff, and then I started feeling good, even though–” I bit my tongue.

        “What?” he asked, eyes still boring down into me. “You know anything you tell me will be in the strictest confidence.”

        “Well, you know Scootaloo and I are kind of dating, right?” I asked.

        He nodded. “You mentioned that in your previous sessions. I’m assuming that’s part of the reason you were in such good spirits before your episode.”

        “Yeah,” I said, nodding my head and looking at the pill bottle. “You know, those are the same pills I used to use to sleep back in the penthouse. It was the only way I could get through a night without nightmares.”

        “Focus, Sweetie,” he said, closing his eyes. “I know this is unpleasant for you, but stay with me.”

        And I’d tried to change the subject without realizing it. Great. Just another thing you did wrong. We could make a list if there was enough paper in the world. I snorted. Not listening to them today.

        “Sorry, so… yeah, I was feeling good, I was happy, she loved me – loves me – but…” I shook my head. “She loves me, but she likes stallions, so… She wants a relationship where she can feel kind of subby. Uhmm… submissive, that’s when–”

        “I’m familiar with the basic tenets of BDSM. It’s actually rather fascinating, despite being demonized for years, recent research indicates it might allow for increased mental health...” He shook his head. “Anyways, you don’t need to explain terms for my benefit.”

        “Alright,” I said, nodding my head. “So, she likes going all subby, and I kind of like driving her there, but at the same time… It’s weird, I used to boss ponies around, and it was bad, but now she wants me to boss her around a little, and I like it. Does that make me bad?”

        “Why do you like it?” he asked, ignoring my question.

        “Well, I wouldn’t do it if she didn’t want me to, so it’s nice that it makes her happy, but… I like seeing her change. I like that little feeling of power, and I’m not doing it to hurt her. I’m doing what she wants, but… it’s different. After years of being told what to do by Bright Lights and just being completely powerless, it’s nice to have this.” I sighed. “But… it’s confusing, what I did before was bad, but now she wants me to do the same thing, and how does that make it okay? Why do I enjoy it so much?”

        “I see,” he said. “So on the one hoof, you have your desire to feel in control of your life, and on the other, we have your fear of backsliding. I can see how that would put you under some strain.”

        “But am I wrong?” I asked, looking up at him and tracing a hoof along the table. “Like, she wants me to do that stuff to her, and I’m not hurting her, and I really kind of like it, but at the same time, I feel really… You’re right, I don’t want to be her again, and that’s the kind of stuff she did.”

        “Well,” Doctor Hooves said, nodding his head, “if she didn’t want you to do those things to her anymore, would you stop?”

        “Of course,” I said. “But she also kind of wants me to force her around a little, so… I don’t know when I’m supposed to actually stop and when she wants me to force her to get all subby.”

        “That’s what the safe word is for,” he said, looking up at me.

        “Safe word?” I asked, tilting my head. “Uhmm… what’s that?”

        He frowned. “When you were engaged in BDSM play previously, it was with Bright Lights, wasn’t it?”

        I nodded. “Yeah, she was the only one who… she liked telling me what to do. She liked seeing me helpless and bound.” 

        “And she didn’t give you a safe word to use,” he said, shaking his head. “Sweetie, it’s very important that both partners have a safe word, so if a line is crossed, the… scene, I believe it’s called, immediately ends.”

        “Okay,” I said. “So… if I try to make Scootaloo do something she really doesn’t want to do, like wear a dress while working, she can just say the word, and I’ll back off. That would… help out. Also, would it really be BDSM if she just wants me to make her feel all feminine? It’s not like I’m whipping her. Really, it’s less BDSM and more DS.”

        “Perhaps,” he said, making a note. “Although I think the basic rules for healthy BDSM play still apply in your case. It’s important Scootaloo have the power to end the scene the instant she feels you’ve crossed the line. Otherwise…”

        “Yeah.” I shuddered, remembering some of Bright Lights games. “No, letting her pick a safe word sounds good. Also, I really do like being dominant and stuff, but at the same time… is it so wrong for me to be feminine, too? Not… I don’t know, I feel like I have to be the Sweetie she wants, though.”

        “How has that traditionally worked out for you?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. I rolled my eyes in response.

        “Okay, so I shouldn’t change myself for anypony else, but this isn’t anypony else, this is Scootaloo, she loves me, and I just want her to be happy, and I love her too, and if me being ‘stallioney’ all the time is what she wants, I can do that.”

        He shook his head. “Perhaps you should talk with Scootaloo about what you want. She’s been through a great deal trying to help you, and I’m sure if she knew her actions were indirectly hurting you–”

        “They’re also helping,” I added.

        “Yes, still, I’m sure if you told her how you felt, she’d help work something out,” he said. “Remember how important communication is in any relationship, especially a romantic one.”

        “Alright,” I said, shaking my head. “I’ll talk with her once we’re done, so… can we call it for the day?”

        He laughed. “It hasn’t even been ten minutes, Sweetie. No, I actually prepared some calming meditations for you to practice so we can hopefully limit your episodes. If they are tied to your emotional state, then learning self-mastery can only help you. Now, I suppose the most basic are breathing exercises…” I nodded along to his words as an itch blossomed in the back of my head. If she knew she was hurting me… I didn’t finish the thought.


♪♪♪


        “Hey,” I said, trotting into the living room of our hotel suite while the doctor headed for the exit. Mom and Scootaloo sat talking on the couch, while Twilight and – Oh, Princess Luna was here now – sat around the dining table, which was now filled with magical textbooks and scan results. All four heads swiveled around to look at me. “I’m… feeling a lot better now. Scootaloo, could we talk? Oh, and uhmm… hi, Princess Luna. Good to see you outside of the Dreaming.” I saw a stack of cardboard boxes in the corner and grabbed one with my magic. “And bring a box, Scootaloo.”

        “A pleasure to see you too, Sweetie Belle,” Luna said while Scootaloo trotted over to the corner. “And please, there’s no need to rely on formality, we’re all friends here.” She glanced at Scootaloo. “And almost all of us are either princesses or princesses-in-waiting.”

        “Don’t rub it in,” Scootaloo said, snapping her wings out and somehow balancing one of the boxes onto her back. She smiled as she saw my look. “Tricks of being a courier. You get to know how to carry stuff.”

        “I guess,” I said, moving back to the hallway. “I’ll be out with the rest of you in a few minutes. I think I’m done hiding in my room for now.”

        “I’m very pleased to hear it, Sweetie,” Mom said, smiling at me. “Isn’t talking with somepony better than stewing alone with your thoughts?”

        “Yeah…” I groaned as Scootaloo entered the hallway. “How’d you know?”

        Something twinkled in her eyes. “I have some experience keeping things to myself, and it’s never made me feel better in the long run.” She looked at Twilight who now had her head back in her books. “In fact, I think our relationship really started when I unburdened myself to her. Granted, we didn’t start dating for another month, but that was the moment things started to change.”

        “You mean when you showed up at my doorstep in the middle of the night, during a massive thunderstorm, and completely soaked?” Twilight asked, getting up and trotting over to my Mom to nuzzle her cheek and take a seat near her. “Do you know how worried I was about you?”

        Mom smiled and kissed Twilight’s cheek. “I think it worked out, don’t you?”

        I closed the door on the two, leaving Luna trapped with the lovebirds, and opened the door to my room. “You know, I still don’t get why you keep the windows covered all the time,” Scootaloo said as she came in behind me. “Blue skies always make me feel better.”

        “Yeah, but heights don’t make me feel better,” I said, floating my box next to my bed. “If we were on the first floor, then maybe, but we’re not.”

        She winced. “Got it, sorry. Don’t know how I forgot.”

        “It happens,” I said, lowering my box to the ground and shrugging. “At least you understand.”

        “Yeah, I still don’t get the mirror thing though,” she said, shaking her head and looking to where a bedsheet rested over the vanity. “Anyways, what’s up? You’re not acting all stallioney like you have the last few days. Something wrong?”

        “That’s kind of one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. It’s… I like being dommy with you most of the time, but sometimes, I really just want to be vulnerable and freak out and beg you to tell me everything’s going to be okay. Not all the time, probably not even most of the time, but definitely some times. Can you live with that?” I asked, eyes begging her to say yes. “I promise the rest of the time, I’ll make up for it by driving you crazy with femininity. Like… I’ve been brainstorming some stuff we can do once you feel up for… not exactly sex, but pretty close. How do you feel about being tied down? I promise, it won’t hurt.”

        “Uhmm… I think I can do that,” Scootaloo said before pausing. “Wait, do you mean now?”

        I shook my head. “No! Unless… do you want me to tie you up now and do stuff to you?” My eyes glinted. “Because I totally could.” I looked at the bed. “Well… not without a four-post bed or some rope, but we can totally get some or go to my penthouse or I can think of something else.” I grinned. “Actually, I can think of a lot of things.”

        “But it won’t be all sensitive and mare-ish, right?” Scootaloo asked. 

        I laughed and stepped forward. “But I thought you wanted to feel like a mare. To get in touch with your burning femininity and be turned into a quivering puddle of mareishness. To have every last bit of your restraint washed away. Was I wrong? Do you want something different?”

        “No,” she said, shaking her head and trying to suppress the little quiver in her back legs. “That sounds… good, I just–”

        “You don’t want to do anything to me until you get used to the whole ‘being with another mare’ thing. Instead, you just want me to do things to you, and I’m completely fine with that. I can do all sorts of things to you.” I grinned and leaned in to nibble on her ear before whispering. “All sorts of really fun things. Things you’ll never be able to forget.” I bolted my head back. “Oh! But first, we should have a safe word.”

        “A safe word?” Scootaloo asked, tilting her head. “Why?”

        “It’s a BDSM thing, apparently,” I said, bouncing on my hooves. “That way, whenever you say it, I’ll know to immediately stop whatever I’m doing.”

        “What about ‘no’?” Scootaloo asked. “‘No’ seems like it should work.”

        “Right,” I said, shaking my head. “But… Okay, you like me kind of humiliating you in public by making you act all girly, which… that’s kind of messed up, but let’s say I’m really trying to get you to go full mare, and maybe saying ‘no’ makes the whole overpowering thing feel better for you, I don’t know why, so instead of me stopping every time you say ‘no’ to ask if you really mean it, I can keep going unless you say the safeword.”

        “Got it.” Scootaloo nodded. “So… safewords…”

        I tried to think of what Doctor Hooves had told me after we’d finished some of my meditation exercises. “It should be something that makes you feel safe, I think. Something personal to you that wouldn’t come up normally during our games.”

        “Rainbow Dash,” Scootaloo said, nodding her head. “I choose Rainbow Dash.”

        “That’ll definitely put a stop to anything,” I said, shaking my head. Kind of weird she went there, but I guess I could get it. “Now I need to figure out a safeword for myself.” Hmm, if I wanted to mirror hers, Rarity or Mom would work, but… no, that would be really weird. Like, not wanting to think of sex for at least a few days, weird. What else made me feel safe? Scootaloo? That would just be confusing.

        “Wait, why do you need a safeword?” Scootaloo asked. “You’re not going to be feeling uncomfortable or anything, right?”

        I ran my hoof down my mane. “No, but I just told you how I want to be able to talk about my feelings when I need to, so it might be good if I had a safeword to use when I need to stop being dommy and just be Sweetie, alright?”

        “Yeah, alright,” Scootaloo said. “So… what, then?” Princess Luna? No. I didn’t like the idea of using a pony’s name. What else made me feel safe? 

“Carousel Boutique,” I said. It was perfect, nothing made me feel safer than home, although… I guess it wasn’t home anymore.

        “That’s two words,” Scootaloo said, grinning at me. Ooh, that wasn’t very subby of her. I matched her grin and pounced on her, pinning her to the floor. She squirmed but didn’t put up any real resistance as I kissed her down into her happy space.

        “So’s Rainbow Dash,” I said, looking down at her and her big puppy-dog smile.

        You used to be Bright Lights’ puppy, Oh, good, and I’d almost gone two whole minutes without having a voice in my head trying to make me feel awful about stuff. Celestia forbid that ever happen. I shook my head. This was different. Scootaloo wanted me to drive her crazy with kisses, and if she didn’t, she’d just say ‘Rainbow Dash’, and I’d stop.

        “Alright,” Scootaloo said, smiling and pushing against me. “Can I get up now? I think your Mom wants you to get out of your room for a bit.”

        “Sure,” I said, walking over her to the door and letting my tail swish across her face as I left. “And thanks for asking so nicely.”

        “Uh-huh,” Scootaloo said, rolling up on her hooves. “So… out of curiosity, when we finally have our first time, what exactly do you have planned?”

        I grinned and spun around, blocking her from reaching the door without going through me. “I’m glad you asked. So, first there’s a whole bunch of things up in my penthouse. Under the bed, there’s a kit, so I’d love it if you could pick that up for me. I don’t want to spoil too much, but there’s a really nice bolt of silk in there. Plus a bunch of other stuff, but that’s for later.” I needed some rope, too, but there was probably some somewhere in my apartment. Like, it still was my apartment.

        “Okay,” Scootaloo said, frowning and taking a step back. “Silk? Are you going to make a dress for me?”

        My smile threatened to crack my face in half as I whirled back to the door. “You’ll seeee,” I sing-songed. Hey, I sing-songed, that’s almost like singing.

        “When you talk like that, I don’t know if I should be scared or not,” Scootaloo said, following along behind me.

        I turned and rested my forehooves where her neck met her barrel. “Scootaloo, you have your safeword, there’s no reason for you to be scared.” I leaned in and purred in her ear. “Unless you want to be.”

        She shivered as I pulled away and opened the door to the main room. “So, Mom, do you have any ideas on Scootaloo’s dresses?”

        “We were talking earlier about something sporty. Perhaps something like what tennis players wear?” Mom said, looking up from a sketch book. 

        An image of Scootaloo walking around the house in one of those cute short tennis skirts flashed in my head. I struggled to keep my squeal in. She was never going to get to take it off. “Sounds great,” I said, nodding at Mom before trotting over to where Luna and Twilight were sitting. “So… have you learned anything yet?”

        Twilight shook her head. “We’re still trying to understand just what the changes in you and Luna’s magic fields actually mean. It’s…” She shook her head. “I never imagined these types of alterations to a pony’s magic field were possible.”

        “Great,” I said, shaking my head. Apparently, you’re impossible. “So… you don’t know anything, then?”

        “Not yet,” Twilight said, smiling at me. “But we’ll figure something out. If we don’t, your mom will just kill me.”

        “I wouldn’t kill you, Twilight dearest,” Mom said from her spot on the sofa next to Scootaloo. “Perhaps lock you in your room until you discovered a solution, but I certainly wouldn’t harm you.”

        Twilight looked back at my mom. “Lock me in the bedroom or…”

        “The study,” Mom said. “But don’t worry, I’ll make sure every noble petitioner who wills it will have an audience with you. I’d hate to remove you from your royal duties.”

        “Yes, that would be terrible,” Twilight said, shaking her head. “You know, if you really wanted to punish me, you’d keep everypony out. Obviously, you’d still have to come in the study to check on me and work on your designs, but beyond that, nopony else.”

        I smiled, listening to the two of them talk. They were just so… happy with each other. It was nice. I glanced at Scootaloo. Maybe we could be like that one day too. On the other hoof, I could have Scootaloo wearing a tennis outfit in the house. I rolled both options over in my head while they went back and forth. 

        A white corner stuck out of Twilight’s stack of images, and I grabbed it with my magic, pulling a newspaper out of the stack. “Ooh,” I said, flipping through the pages. “Anything about me in the papers today?”

        “Sweetie, it’s been over a month since the story broke, I think Equestria’s moved on to some other salacious scandal,” Mom said, laughing her high forced laugh.

        “You would certainly think that, but your exploits continue to grace the lifestyle section,” Luna said, frowning. “I really don’t understand what my ponies find so fascinating about the story, but today, there was yet another exposé in yet another paper.”

        I pulled the lifestyle section out of the paper and laughed at the headline.



Sweetie Belle: The Queen of Kink



        “I love it,” I said, putting the paper back down on the table. “Like, all the terrible attention and media scandal is almost worth it for that one headline. I want to get business cards just so I can put that on all of them.” 
        
        “Sweetie Belle, I really don’t see what you find so amusing about this. Your name’s being dragged through the mud,” Mom said, unconsciously clutching Twilight closer to her. “We are trying to salvage what scraps of reputation we can, not burn it all to ashes.”

        “No, my name’s been dragged through the mud. Write Thinking and Bright Lights took care of that. This is…” I laughed. “This is just funny. And hey, it looks like I’m going to be getting a royal title after all. Or is that too close to Cadance’s title?”

        “I…” Luna frowned. “No, I think… I don’t think we could actually give you a queenship for this. Considering your royal connections, we might be able to arrange a princesshood for you, though.” I caught the barest whisper of a smile hiding in her frown. 

        “Honestly, Luna,” Mom said, shaking her head. “You shouldn’t be encouraging this strange fascination of hers. ‘The Queen of Kink,’ it’s not suitable for a lady.”

        “Come on, Rarity, we have our kinks too, or what do you call your shows?” Twilight said, turning around to face my mom and grinning. Teasing, but knowing Mom, the tease had gone just a step too far.

        “I call them private,” Mom said, cheeks going red. Yep, I called it. “And there’s nothing against having kinks, that’s perfectly natural and healthy. My problem is with the idea of my daughter, a princess-in-waiting, going around introducing herself as the Queen–”

        “Or princess,” Luna and I chirped in unison.

        “Yes, or Princess of Kink,” Mom finished, rolling her eyes. “It’s simply not becoming of a lady.”

        “Neither is this,” I said, grabbing the paper and looking for something interesting. “Summer 51, Bright Lights and two other mares suspended from the ceiling, supporting me as they– Hey! She’s using excerpts from my sex journal.”

        “Sex journal?” Scootaloo asked, tilting her head. 

        “Yeah, it’s like a journal, but instead of talking about boring stuff, it talks about sex, either the stuff I did or the stuff I wanted to do. Like…” I flipped to the back page. “Shoot, they didn’t include my idea about a pudding orgy. It was going to combine all my favorite things, drugs and liquor and sex, obviously, plus sweets. Never got around to that, though.” I looked to Scootaloo. “I was going to have you look through it and see if anything jumped out at you, just to figure out what you might like.”

        “O… kay,” Scootaloo said, staring at the paper. “Do you really need to keep doing that stuff though, can’t you just go back to how you were before all this craziness started?”

        “You don’t complain when I’m kissing you. I’m guessing you won’t complain when we finally–” I stopped, realizing my mom was in the room. Maybe don’t start talking about how much I’m going to blow Scootaloo’s mind when we finally have sex. “You haven’t complained so far.”

        “It’s just a little intimidating, alright?” Scootaloo said. I grinned and took a few steps towards her. “And I have a weird time fitting all that…” She gestured at the paper. “With the filly I met in Ponyville.”

        “You want me to be like the filly you met in Ponyville?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “That doesn’t seem very–”

        “Look, I admit it’s a little weird and doesn’t make much sense,” Scootaloo said, running a hoof through her mane and struggling to look at anypony in the room. “It’s just…” She shook her head. “It’s weird, and can we please not talk about this right now?” I took another step forward, still grinning. She caught the look in my eye and started talking again. “What would Rainbow Dash think if she heard me say this sissy stuff?”

        My grin shifted into a sincere smile as I trotted over to comfort her. “You know, Scootaloo,” Mom said from her couch. “It’s perfectly fine for you to have a sentimental side. Deep down, Rainbow Dash might be as much a romantic as I am, she just doesn’t show it easily.”

        “Really?” Scootaloo asked as I trotted over to the unused half of the sectional and waved for Scootaloo to sit next to me.

        “Indeed,” Mom said, nodding her head. “Have Applejack tell you her engagement story the next time you’re in Ponyville. Even I couldn’t have envisioned something more storybook.”

        “Well, I think you’ll have to since you’re planning the engagement,” Twilight said, putting one of the scans down. 

        “No, I’m not,” Mom said, smiling at Twilight. “I’m planning the entirety of the wedding ceremony. I believe you’re in charge of the proposal itself.”

        “But the last time I tried to plan something really romantic, you almost got your soul stolen by your grandmother. I don’t think I have the best record with romantic gestures,” Twilight said. 

Mom walked over and kissed Twilight at the base of the horn. “Twilight, dearest, we’ve discussed this, Whatever you come up with will be absolutely perfect. I trust you,”

“And what if I mess it up? You’re only going to get one proposal, and if I make a mistake… If I do something to ruin it–”

“Then we’ll have a funny story to tell our friends and family,” Mom said, putting a hoof over Twilight’s lips.

        “So you’d be okay if I just proposed to you right here? With no thought put into it at all?” Twilight asked. 

        “Well, it wouldn’t exactly be how I imagined it, I’ll admit, but…” Mom shook her head. “I’d prefer it if there was some attempt at build-up and setting. Have you read any stories where somepony just proposed apropos of nothing?”

        Twilight smiled. “No one would have a story like ours, then.” She got up and kissed my mom. “Think about it, there’s something kind of impulsive and spontaneous about this, and–”

        “Wait – are you actually doing this now? In front of Luna and my daughter?”

        “And Scootaloo,” I said, chipping in and hugging my marefriend tighter.

        “Yes, and Scootaloo. Are you actually going to do this now?” Mom asked, tilting her head.

        “Well, you said I should be more spontaneous,” Twilight said, nuzzling my Mom’s cheek. 

        “Do you have a ring and a speech?” Mom asked, wrapping a foreleg around Twilight’s neck. 

        “Of course,” Twilight said, pulling away from Mom’s grip and sprinting to their bedroom. “I’m not that impulsive. I had the ring and speech ready since before we left for Manehattan.”

        “But Twilight, if that’s the case, then why did you think I’d be doing the– Did you plan this just to seem more impulsive?” Mom said as Twilight dashed into their bedroom.

        “What? That’s crazy, Rarity. Bye!” Twilight said, slamming the door shut. Mom just stared at the shut door, tapping her forehoof.

        “So…” I said, looking from Scootaloo to Mom. “Do you want the three of us to leave or…”

        “No, stay,” Mom said. My horn tickled for a second as somepony moved a bunch of magic around. “If Twilight didn’t want you here for this, she would have waited.”

        The door to the bedroom opened, and a gray mare with a pink bowtie trotted out, a big black case resting on her back. “Hi, Miss Octavia,” I said, waving at her. 

        She nodded at me. “A pleasure to see you again,” she said, putting the case down, balancing on her back legs, pulling the cello out of its case, and launching into a song.

        “This is gonna be mushy, isn’t it?” Scootaloo asked, whispering into my ear before I elbowed her in the side. This was romantic. If she wanted to be mare-ish, she should love this stuff.

        “Be good and enjoy this or I’ll make you be the big spoon when we cuddle tonight. Plus, I won’t kiss you like you like.” I pulled her tight against me and let her rest her head in the crook of my neck. A memory of Bright Lights doing the same thing to me popped up in my head, and I drew Scootaloo tighter. I was better than her. Scootaloo wanted this. If she didn’t, she could stop it.

        “Rarity,” Twilight said, wearing a purple and blue dress with gems set on it to look like starbursts. “I’ve been thinking about this since… Well, since our first dinner at Gustaf’s, you remember that, right?”

        Mom nodded, looking at Octavia. “That song…”

        “It’s the first song we danced to,” Twilight said, nodding.

        Mom laughed. “You call that dancing, Twilight. I call it the awkward stumblings of a foal at her first ball.”

        “Hey, I’ve gotten a lot better, thanks to you, but will you let me finish my speech?”

        “Of course, Twilight, dearest,” Mom said, gesturing for her to continue

        “Right, so I’ve been thinking about this since our very first dinner at Gustaf’s. I think that night was the first time I really imagined what our life together might be like. That’s when I came up with the first draft of this speech. I wanted to talk about all the ways you were great, all the reasons I thought I loved you. Your mind, your wit, your grace, how you were so incredibly creative in ways I couldn’t even begin to understand, and all those things are great, don’t get me wrong, but they’re not what brought me here tonight. What I love best about you is just how infinitely complicated you are.”

        Mom raised an eyebrow.

        “I mean that in the best way,” Twilight added. “The more I learn about you, the more I see, the more I see there is to learn. You’re a puzzle that refuses simple solution, that reveals more of itself the longer I work at it, you’re an eternally expanding equation, but wrapped up in the core of it is this love and beauty that touches everything you do, and it drives me to keep studying and learning. I thought I knew you, and I loved you. That night, I hadn’t even scratched the surface.” She floated two gold horn rings out from Octavia’s case, one had an amethyst starburst on it and another, a purple diamond. “I could spend my entire life working to understand you. To unravel your mysteries, and… I can’t think of any better way to spend it. Rarity, will you marry me?”

        Instead of saying anything, Mom just wrapped Twilight in her best crushing death grip and pressed her lips against her partner’s. The magic grasping the rings flickered as Twilight’s attention was suddenly pulled elsewhere, and Luna, Scootaloo, and I just kind of watched the scene unfold. Scootaloo and Luna looked uncomfortable. I wanted some popcorn. Or chocolate. Chocolate was more romantic.

        “Oh, this is so sweet,” I whispered into Scootaloo’s ear, stroking her flank. “How can you not love this big romantic stuff?”

        “It’s not bad,” Scootaloo said, whispering back. “It’s… Yeah, it’s kind of sweet.”

        I nibbled the tip of her ear and her posture melted. “I’m going to make you love this sweet stuff.”

        “Yeah, I bet you will,” she said. In front of us, the kiss finally ended.

        Mom just smiled at Twilight. “Of course, I’ll marry you Twilight, nothing would make me happier, and… well done. You did a very good job pretending to be spontaneous.”

        “What do you mean?” Twilight asked, putting the amethyst-studded ring on Rarity’s horn. “This was completely spontaneous. I… sure, I talked with Octavia about it when we first got to Manehattan and placed a long-term retrieval spell on her and gave her a crystal that would light up when I needed her, but… I kind of just went with the moment. Oh! Speaking of which…” She pulled a crystal out of her room and sent a charge through it. “Just taking care of dinner.” Mom nuzzled Twilight and grabbed the diamond ring with her own magic, sliding it onto her now-fiancée’s horn. So sweet, if I ever got married, I wanted an engagement like that. It was so heartfelt and loving and… just everything a romance was supposed to be.

        “Well done, Twilight,” Mom said, sliding her right foreleg behind Twilight’s neck and grabbing Twilight’s right forehoof with her left. “Now, if I’m not mistaken, it’s been too long since we last danced to this song. Do you think we can do better than last time?”

        Twilight laughed. “If we can’t, then I had a terrible teacher.”

        “Haha, very funny, Twilight,” Mom said as they started their dance. It was a rigid formal one like you’d find at the Grand Galloping Gala. 

        “Hey, Scootaloo,” I said, hopping off the couch. “Do you want to dance?”

        “Do we have to dance like them?” she asked, pointing at my Mom and Twilight.

        I shook my head and balanced on my back legs. “Nope, we’re going to be dancing Manehattan style. Or Manehattan nightclub style. Or at least, what she told me was Manehattan nightclub style.”

        “Uh-huh,” Scootaloo said while I flowed around her, pulsing to the music. It was… a lot harder when the music was classic music played on a cello instead of the dance music Bright Lights would bring up to my parties, but I managed. It was just slower.

        “It’s super easy,” I said, trying to get her up on her back hooves. “You just have to feel the music and move with it. 

        “You look like a noodle pony moving in slow motion,” Scootaloo said, raising an eyebrow. 

        “If it was faster, I’d be moving faster,” I said dancing around her. “Now come on and dance with me.”

        “This is going to look ridiculous,” she said, throwing herself up on her back hooves and trying to mirror my movements. “Like, if you want some good moves, I can show you some good moves.”

        “Shush,” I said, pushing against her while working to keep on my back hooves, pressing my heat against hers. “Just enjoy the–”

        Scootaloo nipped at my ears. “Rainbow Dash!” she hissed. I immediately dropped down to four hooves.

        “What? We were just dancing.” I looked around, Mom and Twilight were too busy dancing with each other to notice us, but Luna and Octavia were… staring. You’ve done something wrong. Again.

        “When did you dance like that?” Scootaloo whispered.

        “Uhmm… whenever Bright Lights brought music to one of my parties,” I said, frowning. What had I done wrong this time?

        “And how did those parties usually end?” she asked, keeping her eyes locked on me.

        “With an–” Oh. My head dropped. Maybe grinding and pressing myself up against my marefriend wasn’t the best dance considering my mom was doing some fancy formal dancing with her fiancée. I glanced at the two of them. At least they hadn’t noticed. Right now, they only saw each other.

        “I didn’t even realize,” I said.

        “Yeah, I figured,” Scootaloo said. “Anyways, if you want to dance like that, we can do it later. Alone.”

        “Oh, we definitely are,” I said, grinning. “What do you think about later tonight? I can see if any of those boxes contained some EDM and we can just go crazy.”

        She rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t last ten minutes dancing with me.” Ooh, she was being all assertive and stuff, I knew the cure for that. Just imagining her walking around the house in her future dress with her hindquarters framed perfectly... I smiled at the image.

        “I can’t wait until we have your dresses,” I said nuzzling her cheek as Octavia’s cello playing hid our conversation. “I’m going to make you feel like such a filly.” I pulled away and sat down, watching my mom and Twilight’s dance progress around the living room, and I wasn’t sure which one of them was leading. “I want something like that,” I said, whispering into Scootaloo’s ear. And she’ll never give it to you. My ear twitched.

        “Congratulations!” Luna said, when the song had finished. “I couldn’t be happier for you two.”

        “Oh, yes,” Mom said, looking around the room like she’d just woken up from a dream. “Of course, you’re all… I hope you can excuse my rudeness, but I believe I got swept away in the moment.”

        “It’s fine,” I said, trotting over to give my Mom a hug. “Seeing the two of you dance was really… Thank you for letting me watch that. It was super sweet.”

        Mom smiled. “Yes, well…” She looked around the room. “So I didn’t embarrass myself?”

        Four ponies shook their heads. “You didn’t,” Scootaloo said, grinning. Would it be better to punish her by driving her deep into her subby depths or not punishing her at all. Drive her crazy with reminders of all the things I could be doing to her and then not doing them? Ooh, that sounded fun. Then, when she finally cracked and apologized and begged, I’d… Well, she’d see what I’d do.

        “Did I?” Twilight asked, tilting her head. “I thought my dancing had gotten better, but…”

        “You were fine, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna said. “No mare would dare critique you on the day of your engagement. Sweetie Belle just convinced Scootaloo to engage in some foalishness while the two of you were dancing.” She looked over at me. “It was most entertaining.”

        “It wasn’t–” I paused. “I didn’t realize anything was bad about it until Scootaloo pointed it out.”

        “What did you do?” Mom asked as all eyes turned to me. Definitely punish Scootaloo later. Like, so bad. Drive her crazy with want and denial, then drive her crazy in a different way. Two different types of crazy, and she still won’t be a fraction as mad as you. Great, thanks, voice in my head. I needed a put-me-down.

        “Nothing, I… just wanted to do some dancing. I kind of forgot the only dancing I’d done off the stage during the last three years was… less than family friendly,” I said, trying to laugh.

        “We believe that in today’s youthful parlance, she did ‘grind,’” Luna said, grinning at me. 

        “I’ve seen more understated displays at Vinyl’s shows,” Octavia said, her expression neutral. “And that’s including the show Vinyl described as an exploration of erotic lust through the lens of electronic dance music.” There was a pause where we all looked at her. “Well, she didn’t use those words exactly, but you see the general point.”

        “Ugh, I didn’t mean to,” I said, giving a groan. “I just wanted to join in the dancing and forgot that some of my dancing might be… inappropriate.”

        “Relax, Sweetie Belle, we’re just teasing,” Luna said. “No one here bears you any actual malice.”

        “Indeed,” Octavia said, nodding her head. “And if we did, your sister would kill us.”

        “Uhmm… Mom, actually,” I said, looking from Octavia to Mom. “She’s my mom, and she’s the best mom in the world, so don’t say anything bad about it.”

        Octavia smiled and moved to pack her cello up. “Why would I say anything bad? She raised a very fine mare, able to bounce back to her hooves after the toughest of blows. And speaking of motherhood, I really should be getting back to Vinyl before Racket drives her crazy. I swear, she, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie must share a… Well, I suppose she does have the common ancestor with Pinkie.” She laughed and shook her head. “But you all should come by Monticello soon; we’ll be heading back to Ponyville in a few more weeks, and I’d love to see you before we left.” Who was Racket?

        “Of course,” Mom said, nodding her head. “I’d be delighted to, and I’m sure Sweetie would love the opportunity to spend a few hours out of the suite.” Wait, Octavia just mentioned something about motherhood before talking about Racket...

        “You have a foal?” I asked, jumping up in front of Octavia. “When did you get a foal? You didn’t have a foal when I left, did you?”

        “Very astute of you to remember that, Sweetie,” Octavia said, raising an eyebrow. “And yes, I just recently had a filly, and she’s simply wonderful for those few hours a day she’s sleeping. At least she’s helping me burn off the few remaining pregnancy pounds.”

        “She sounds fun,” I said, smiling. “Oh! And I’d definitely love to come and spend a day with you at Something-cello sometime. “Like Mom said, I’d really like to get out of here for a few hours and see the city.”

        “Do you want me to walk back to Monticello with you?” Mom asked while Octavia finished adjusting the straps to her cello case.

        Octavia shook her head and trotted to the door. “Thank you for offering, Rarity, but I’m fine. It’s not as if my house is far off.”

        “Thank you so much for helping me, Tavi,” Twilight said, floating a bag of bits over to the musician. “For your trouble.”

        “There’s really no need, Twilight,” Octavia said. “It was just a favor for a friend.”

        “Come on,” Twilight said, waving the bag of bits in Octavia’s face. “Think of it as a tax refund.”

        Octavia laughed and grabbed the bag with her teeth. “‘ery ‘ell, Twilight,” she said, still gripping the bag. “P’easure to see you ‘ell, Sweetie.” With that, she turned the door and trotted out, leaving the five of us alone. 

        “So,” Luna said. “How shall we celebrate? Is not toasting customary for the occasion? Do you have any champagne?”

        “We have some bottles of wine coming in a few minutes,” Twilight said. “It wouldn’t be right if I proposed to Rarity and didn’t bring in Gustaf. He’s been there for basically every other major milestone in our relationship.”

        Mom nodded. “And I was planning on making him the caterer for our wedding, so… Well, one of the caterers; obviously, I’d leave all the sweets-making to Pinkie.” She laughed. “I’m going to have multiple caterers for my wedding. At a castle.”

        “Wonderful,” Luna said, moving from the table to the center of the living room. “Then I propose we drink and celebrate the coming union between princesses Twilight Sparkle and Rarity Bell.” And I could have grape juice. Better that than going back to… Yeah, grape juice was better right now.

        “Hey, Mom, why did you give me your last name if you hate it so much?” I asked, trying not to think about the bottles of wine, or how good they’d have to be for my mom to like them. Definitely wasn’t thinking about what it might taste like.

        “Oh, well, I didn’t,” Mom said. “My last name is ‘Bell’ with only one E. Your last name is Belle with two Es. It’s a very important distinction.”

        “Really?” I asked, tilting my head while Twilight trotted into her bedroom. “Feels kind of the same to me.”

        “Absolutely not,” Mom said, shaking her head and sitting next to the table, one hoof rubbing her horn ring. “A bell is… well, a bell. It’s big and dull and chimes on the hour or when you ring it. A belle is the center of social attention. A debutante society revolves around her. A belle is the height of sophistication. Perhaps I was projecting a little when I named you, but it’s certainly better than a bell without an E.”

        “So what was her name dream?” Twilight asked, coming out of the bedroom with a crystal floating in her grip. She saw me looking at it. “When Gustaf has the basket prepared, the crystal will light up and I’ll recall it.” I nodded and Twilight rubbed her horn. 

        “I’d… prefer not to mention it, actually,” Mom said, glancing at the door. “It’s not actually that important.”

        “Come on, tell me,” I said, taking a step towards her. “I wanna know how I got my name. Was there a party? A big sea of ponies swarming around a singer, making her the center of the room? Did you see me? Was I beautiful?”

        Mom took another step back. “It’s really not that interesting.”

        “Luna?” I asked, looking at the princess of dreams.

        She shook her head. “First, I was banished at the time, and second, I don’t see name dreams. They’re an intensely personal experience that only a mother may experience as she communes with something deep and primal at the heart of creation.”

        “Was it bad?” I asked, taking another step towards my Mom as she backed into the wall. “Come on, just tell me, what was I in your dream.”

        Mom shook her head. “You were… a bell. A beautiful bell that played the sweetest music, but still a bell. That’s just with the one E.”

        “Why did you add the extra E?” Twilight asked, turning to look at my mom.

        “Because Bell is a terrible name. Can you imagine the teasing? When I walked down the hall little fillies would go ‘ding-dong’ or make whatever noises they thought a bell made. Imagine me, trying to be a proper punctual mare showing up precisely on time to be greeted by a chorus of classmates going ‘BONG! BONG!’ It quickly loses its novelty.”

        “Nopony made fun of me growing up,” I said, frowning. “And I don’t think they knew the difference between ‘bell’ and ‘belle.’” Of course, up until Scootaloo, nopony really noticed you, and after that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon found other things to make fun of you for.

        I shook my head. I hated it when the voice in my brain was right about stuff. Mom sighed. “You’re right, it was silly of me, but back then, I was so proud and arrogant, I… didn’t want to raise you back then, but I still didn’t want the thing I made to be mocked.” She trotted over and flopped down on the couch. “Oh, I was so awful back–”

        “Hey, it’s fine,” I said, sitting next to her. “Remember, we both promised?”

        She nodded. “Thank you for reminding me, Sweetie.”

        “Now,” I gestured a hoof at the three other mares in the room. “I think we’re supposed to be celebrating the fact that you and Twilight are getting married, not… regretting. I think we’ve both done enough regretting.” But I’d be back to it as soon as I had some time alone with my thoughts. Then don’t spend time alone. I looked at Scootaloo, I could probably do that.

        Twilight’s crystal thingy lit up, and she ignited her horn. A second later, a picnic basket popped into existence, floating in her magic. “And that would be dinner,” she said, lifting it up. “I have four plates… Sorry, Luna, I didn’t think you’d be here, and three bottles of wine.”

        “I’ll just have some cranberry juice,” I said, doing my best to smile and not look at the basket. 

        “Oh, Sweetie, I’m…” Twilight trailed off. “If you don’t want us to drink–”

        “It’s fine,” I said, shaking my head. “You all should enjoy yourself, and I’ll have fun   being the only sober mare in the room for once.” I laughed, and to my surprise, I meant it. “So.” I pushed myself off the couch and trotted to the basket. “What did you get?” 

        “Portobello steak for me, scallion salad for Rarity, garden casserole for Scootaloo, and a fontina polenta with mushroom sautée for you.”

        I raised an eyebrow at her as she pulled my dish out from the top of the basket. “I understand… one of those words.”

        “Fontina is a type of cheese, a polenta is cornmeal boiled into a thick porridge, and to sautée just means to fry quickly,” Twilight said while I took the top off my dish and inhaled. I could definitely pick out the mushrooms in the smell, and… maybe something kind of cheesy in it? I looked down at the brown and yellow… thing. It would be rude of me not to eat it, wouldn’t it? “So… why did everypony else get something I kind of recognize while I got… to try the new dish?”

        “Uhmm… I thought you’d like it,” Twilight said, setting the three other dishes on the table. 

        “Twilight, you think everypony likes mushrooms,” Mom said, passing me as I went into the kitchen, a collection of silverware in her grip. 

        “Because they’re good,” Twilight said, sighing. “They have this savoriness to them, and they’re just so…”

        “I like mushrooms in theory,” Luna said, looking at all the dishes on the table. “They grow perfectly fine in the dark, and can come to fruit without ever seeing a ray of sun. In practice, however, I find them rather…” She made a gagging noise. “I’d much rather have a nice crisp apple, feeling that dribble of juice running down my muzzle as I sink my teeth into its flesh. Or grapes. Grapes are also wonderful. The juicier the food, the better.”

        “We’d be more than happy to get you a fruit salad,” Mom said while I floated my bottle out of the fridge. “I think we have a few apples around here, or–”

        “I’ll get it,” Scootaloo said, trotting to the door. “There’s a place just down the street, and I can be there and back in no time.”

        “That would be lovely, thank you, Scootaloo,” Luna said, giving my marefriend a nod of her head. On the one hoof, Scootaloo was being daring and assertive and very unsubby; on the other hoof, I couldn’t expect her to be in her subspace all the time, could I? Bright Lights expected it from you. Yeah, and she was such a good role model. On the third hoof, she was saving the dinner. I nodded. I was already going to punish her tonight, so… I didn’t need an answer now.

        “Don’t go too fast,” I shouted as she went out the door. I trotted to my place at the table and sat down my glass of juice. 

        “You know, Sweetie,” Mom said, eyeing my glass of juice while she magically unwrapped the bottle’s foil, “if you don’t want us to drink, just say the word, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

        “It’s fine,” I said, sitting down myself and looking at my ‘meal.’ “Like, I’d feel completely terrible if I ruined your night.” She’d need more than that to feel better. “And, I really don’t want to drink anymore. If drinking leads back to the penthouse, I’d rather stay sober. I’m kind of okay with where I’m at right now.” Except for the hallucinations and the slowly losing touch with reality thing. Speaking of which, I released the spell Luna’d taught me the night before to find any trace of Dreaming. Luna raised an eyebrow when the dream magic bounced off her, but the rest of my family didn’t notice. The magic came back and I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Still in the real world. Or you could be so deep in the dream that– I shook my head. “Sorry, where was I?” I asked, looking up at my mom.

        “You were talking about how you felt fine,” she said, looking at me and floating the foil to the trash bin. 

        “Right,” I said, smiling at her. “Well, I don’t want to mess things up by having a drink. I don’t want to drink any more than you want to design galoshes.”

        “Very well,” she said, pulling the cork out and pouring a glass. I couldn’t help but stare at how the wine flowed and swirled in the glass as she poured more and more and… She stopped. “If at any point you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable, let me know, alright? I’d rather throw away thousand-bit wine than…”

        “Jeopardize my recovery?” I asked, filling in the blank for her and grinning. “Also, really, a thousand bits for a bottle of wine? That seems pretty pricey just to get drunk.”

        Mom shook her head and sighed. “We aren’t drinking to get drunk, Sweetie. We’re having a few glasses of wine to heighten what would already be a wonderful evening.” And that’s why they can drink without going on a crazy self-destructive spiral. Because they don’t drink to drink. They don’t wake up in the middle of the night needing another belt of rum just so they can go back to the bed. Yeah, or that too.

        “You’ll get there one day,” Mom said, sitting next to me. I frowned. I hadn’t been talking out loud, had I? “Once you’re better, once you’ve dealt with all the things you need to deal with, I’m sure you and Scootaloo can spend an evening sipping wine together now and then.”

        “I don’t think Scootaloo’s a big wine drinker,” I said, looking up at her as Mom snapped back to where she’d been standing ten seconds ago as I snapped back to reality. Wouldn’t be dinner if I didn’t go at least a little crazy.

        “What was that, Sweetie?” she asked, tilting her head. 

        “Nothing,” I said smiling at her and trying to think of a cover for my stupidity. “Just… I don’t know if Scootaloo will like her drink.”

        “I’m sure she will,” Mom said, pouring a glass for Twilight. “And if she doesn’t, she can fix something else.” I took a sip of my cranberry juice and glanced at Mom’s glass. Twilight had darted off into the kitchen for something, Luna was reading the label off another bottle of… I glanced at the third bottle’s label. Nectar des Étoiles. It sounded Prench. I inhaled, catching the faintest scent of alcohol. Yeah, I wasn’t much of a wine drinker, but if I was going to drink wine, this was probably the wine to drink.

        I licked my lips. Scootaloo would probably like it. Maybe I could ask her about it later. I glanced at the unattended glass. Or maybe I could just down a glass before anypony noticed. I tensed my muscles and drew magic to my horn. I could do it in half a second, pounce on the table, grab the glass with my magic, and get it to my lips as quick as possible. Then just one long pull, and–

        I stopped. My muscles relaxed, and the magic vanished. And then I’d be a liar. I’d throw the trust Mom gave me right back in her face. I exhaled and took a sip of cranberry juice. Come on, Sweetie, she’s used to being disappointed by now. She had you for a daughter.

        “So,” Luna said, putting the bottle down. “When do you think Scootaloo will return with my dinner?”

        “Probably right now,” I said, looking towards the door. “That’s how it would work in Ponyville, but… Wait, I called attention to it, so now it would be funnier if she didn’t show up, just so I look dumb.” Which you are.

        “What are you talking about, Sweetie?” Luna asked, staring at me while Twilight came back into the room. What was I talking about? It kind of made sense at the time, but then when I stopped and thought about it…

        “I think Octavia’s mentioned it to me a few times,” Mom said, glancing at her glass. Why wasn’t she drinking it? “It’s… hard to explain – harder still because she only talks about it after we’ve both had a few drinks – but essentially, she seems to think that, on some level, the events in her life occur because they’d make for a better story.”

        “Narrative causality,” Twilight said, nodding her head. “The theory that things happen in a story because that’s what makes for the best story. I’m not going to argue with it in stories where it’s baked into the world’s assumptions, but to think real life operates on story logic? That’s crazy.”

        I was caught on the edge of the death glare Mom gave Twilight, but I still wanted to run screaming and hide under my bed. Twilight just gulped. “Twilight, dearest,” Mom said, drawing out each word. “Don’t you want to rethink your word choice?”

        “Sorry,” Twilight said, flinching away from my mom and looking at me. “I wasn’t thinking. Obviously, I don’t think you’re crazy just because–”

        I held up a hoof. “It’s fine, I’m not even sure what I meant when I said that. Like, it felt right at the time, like there was this big bolt of lightning, but then…” I shrugged and looked at my juice. “It doesn’t matter, right?”

        “You got to experience a few seconds of normalcy, and then you ruined it,” Bright Lights said, sitting next to me. “How tragically and utterly predictable.”

        “Hey, Luna,” I said, looking at the other princess in the room. “Can you see anything weird right now?”

        “Yes,” she said, nodding her head and putting the wine bottle down. “This wine supposedly contains 40% alcohol. How that’s possible defies explanation.” Forty percent? I could get really drunk off that. Just a bottle or so and I’d be having a good time.

        Scootaloo came through the door, bag clenched in her teeth. “Hey,” she said, dropping the bag onto the table. “What’s up?”

        “Nothing,” I said, shaking my head and not looking at any of the bottles on the table. I took another sip of juice. “We were just talking and I was being crazy.” Mom cleared her throat. “Not usual crazy though, more like… a little fun crazy. Weird crazy.” 

        “So like that time you started talking about some weird psychology stuff?” Scootaloo asked, sitting down next to me while Luna floated her salad out of the bag. “Back when you were coming down off your Nightmare Night sugar high?”

        “Yeah,” I said, slowly nodding my head. Maybe I wouldn’t be that mean to her later tonight. Or maybe I’d be meaner in a way she liked.

        “Ugh, your sweets fixation,” Mom said, taking the lid off her own dish. “In hindsight, there were so many little indicators.”

        “Lots of ponies like sweets,” Twilight said. “Just look at Pinkie, she eats more sugar in a day than I’ll eat in a lifetime, but she’s norm– she’s f– she’s–”

        “Hey!” I yelled, cutting her off before she could finish digging her hole. “We’re not talking about me tonight, right?” I grabbed my half-full glass and raised it into the air. “To my mom and Twilight, the happiest couple I know, and to you getting married. I can’t wait for the big day. You both deserve it.”

        “Hear, hear,” Luna said as we all clinked our glasses together and took a drink. “Let us not forget the reason for tonight’s festivities. To Twilight and Rarity, may their union be unending.”

        “I’ll drink to that,” Scootaloo said, having to balance on her back legs to clink her glass, while we all just used our magic. I smiled at the four other ponies in the room as I took a sip of my cranberry juice. I glanced at the dish Twilight had gotten for me. The something something mushroom sauté. Maybe it wasn’t that bad.


♪♪♪


        Actually, it wasn’t. In fact, it was good. Really good. Like, there were so many flavors and they all kind of played off each other without any one of them being overpowering. Gestalt cooking. Right, it was different than… It wasn’t just overpowering sweetness, it was a bunch of stuff, and… maybe I liked that more than just straight sugar.

        “Oh my,” Mom said, smiling at me from the couch. “It looks like somepony’s finally developing a mature palate.” I raised an eyebrow and launched a pulse of magic from my horn. Hallucination. A second later, it was gone, willed away to the same place all the other hallucinations went. Back inside you. 

        “...And so then she forces me to make her this dress that could do double duty as a star chart,” Mom said. “Luna, you should have seen this thing, it was… Well, you’ve seen my nightmares, correct?”

        “Indeed,” she said, taking another sip of wine. The four of them were almost done with the second bottle. “You mean those… things were inspired by real dresses?”

        “Oh yes,” Mom said, laughing. “Very much so…” I glanced at Scootaloo who was laying on her back, looking about as bored as I felt. She’d barely finished her glass of wine and then insisted on sticking to water.. Meanwhile, Mom and Twilight were sitting together on the couch, cuddling up with each other and laughing at every little thing, and Luna’d rounded things off by putting the empty first bottle on her horn. Lightweights. I drained my cranberry juice and set it down on the coffee table..

        “Hey, Scootaloo,” I said, pushing off my floor pillow and heading to the door. “Take me for a walk?”

        “Are you sure?” she asked, rolling on to her hooves and looking out at the Manehattan skyline. “It’s late, and I don’t want–”

        “We’ll be walking down Bridleway, we aren’t going to be running through bad neighborhoods tossing bits around, okay? Come on,” I said, rolling my eyes.

        “Alright,” she said, trotting over to the door. “Hey, Rarity, is it okay if I take your daughter for a walk?

        “Well,” Mom said, frowning and tapping a hoof into the couch cushion. “I’d prefer it if we didn’t risk her going outside again after–” Oh no, she wasn’t about to play the ‘jeopardize my recovery’ card on me. Luckily, I was sober and she was sitting somewhere between tipsy and drunk. 

        “Have Twilight cast her recall spell on me. If something goes wrong, Scootaloo can run back here, Twilight will cast the spell, and poof, everything will be fine. I just need to get out of the house for a while, alright? Y’know, just to get some fresh air and stuff?”

        “Alright,” she said, giving Twilight a little push with one hoof. Twilight lifted her head up by some barely measurable difference, and as she ignited her horn, I felt magic tickle my whole body. “Scootaloo, Sweetie, I’m trusting the two of you…” She paused and looked at the hoof she was gesturing with, her thought escaping. “Twilight?”

        “Uh-huh?” Twilight asked, lifting her head up for a second. 

        “Do you have any more of those little crystals? Like you gave Gustaf?” Mom asked. 

        “I do, why?”

“Because I thought that perhaps we could give Scootaloo one of them. That way, if something goes wrong, she can activate it and we’ll know to recall Sweetie.” Great, they were talking about me like I was a package or something to be shuttled around. I could do things myself. Can you?

        Yes, I can, shut up voice in my head. “Alright,” Twilight said, getting up to her hooves and taking a few uneasy steps before heading to their bedroom. I watched her go, eyes tracking her movement before realizing I might have been checking out my mom’s fiancée. I ripped my eyes away from her and looked to Scootaloo, studied every last bit of lean muscleyness and imagined her in a dress. Better. Definitely better than Twilight’s old pudgy librarian look. Not that she had it anymore, now she was all svelte and stuff. Dumb alicorns.

I shook my head and waited. 

“Got it,” Twilight said, trotting out of her bedroom with two crystals gripped in her magic. She tossed one underhoof to me and Scootaloo. The moment it left her magical grip, I got it with mine. “So… Sweetie, if you get in trouble, just put some magic in the crystal. If you can’t do that, break the crystal and it will tell its mate.” She waved the other crystal around in front of us. “The minute I see the crystal’s changed, I’ll teleport you back, Sweetie. Scootaloo, can you get back on your own?”

She laughed and gave her best cocky grin. She’d been studying under Rainbow Dash. “I’m a courier. If I can’t find my way back to the ritziest hotel in Manehattan, I officially suck at my job.”
 
“So,” I said, looking at Mom and Twilight. “Can we go?”

“Very well,” Mom said, heading to the door while Scootaloo darted off to grab her saddlebags to put the crystal in. “Just wear a coat, there’s still a bit of a nip in the air late at night.”

“Fine,” I said, rolling my eyes and heading to pull my nice purple-grey coat out of the coat closet. One of the few things I had from the penthouse. I smiled. That would change tonight.  “But you’re not telling Scootaloo to get a coat.”

“First, Scootaloo isn’t my daughter, so I don’t have the right to ‘mom’ her. Second, she’s a pegasus, they have a tolerance for the cold that you don’t,” Mom said.

“Alright,” I said, slipping into my coat and touching my mane. “Does my hair look okay?”

Mom shrugged. “It looks fine to me, Sweetie, but if you want to give it a brush before you leave–”

“Sounds great,” I said, spinning away from her as quick as I could to hide my grin as Scootaloo came back into the room. “One minute,” I said, kissing Scootaloo on the cheek as we passed. “I’ve got to do my mane.”

“Really?” she asked, turning to look back at me as she trotted to the door. “Your mane looks fine.”

I laughed, hanging on the boundary between living room and hallway. “I am my mother’s daughter. Hey, you should be happy I don’t try to fuss over your mane.” I nodded my head, studying the short crop of her mane cut. “Although, if you grew it out a little, I bet we could do some really fun stuff with it.” I let out a squeal, almost forgetting my plan. “Ooh, you’d look so pretty and feminine and–”

“Pass,” Scootaloo said.

“But–”

“Pass.”

I glared at her as I slunk out of the room. Definitely going to tie her down when I got the chance and tell her all the things I wasn’t going to do to her. And maybe style her mane a little to boot. Ooh, but I needed to make sure I had rope first. I know I didn’t have any in my kit, but… under the bed. There should be enough under my bed. I let out a breath as I closed the door to the hallway and leaned against the wall. “Okay, Mom and Twilight have my key somewhere. Probably in their room, but…” I could get there by cutting through the recreation room. I nodded and started walking.

But where would they keep it? Well, first, it probably wouldn’t be they; more like  ’where would Mom keep the key to my apartment? Hopefully not in a safe, but why would she? It wasn’t like the key was really bad. She never said she was keeping it from me, she… actually, I never asked her if I could have the key. That might have been easier.

“Hey, Mom,” I’d say. “Can I have the key to my apartment?”

“Perhaps,” she’d say, tilting her head and probing me with her eyes. “What do you need it for?”

“Well, I’d like to pick up some of my stuff and also tie my marefriend to my four-post bed and sexually tease her until she goes crazy with desire. Unless she says her safeword. Which is ‘Rainbow Dash’. Which is kind of weird, right?”

Yeah, no, I’d pass on that conversation. I cracked the door to their room open and trotted lightly on their carpet. Okay, she’s your mom, if anypony knows what she thinks like, it’s you, so… where would you hide the key to your room? I trotted to the dresser on her side of the room, the one that didn’t look like a library had exploded all over, and slid the top drawer open. There was a bunch of stuff. A few books – I guess she didn’t want her own book collection getting mixed with Twilight’s – some newspaper clippings about me, jewelry, and… I smiled as I floated the silver key with the big end cut to resemble my cutie mark out and snuck it into my coat pocket. 

“Alright,” I said after I’d walked all the way around the suite to get back to the living room. “I’m ready to go.”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “It took you long enough, and it doesn’t even look like you did anything to your mane.”

I smiled and leaned in close to kiss her cheek. “You’re so sweet,” I said, heading to the door. “And I totally had to restyle my mane. Whole hairs were out of place.”

“Uh-huh,” she said. I stopped at the door and waited for Twilight and Mom to catch up with me so they could cast some spell on the door. A minute later, it unlocked. “I didn’t notice anything.”

“That’s because you’re not in touch with your feminine side,” I said, pressing the elevator button and waiting. The door clicked closed behind us. I grinned. “But I’ll change that tonight.”

“What the heck does that mean?” Scootaloo asked before I quenched her curiosity with a kiss.

“It’s a surprise,” I said, humming to myself as the elevator door opened and we trotted in. “Now, I want you to be good while we walk, so here.” I gave her another one of my kisses to tide her over until we got to my apartment. Way to manipulate your marefriend. I shook my head. I wasn’t manipulating her. She wanted this. I nodded as our elevator descended, taking us lower and lower. She was going to love my surprise. 

> 9. The Old Apartment
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Scootaloo and I trotted down Bridleway, the bright lights banishing the dark above us. “So are you going to have us walk down all of Bridleway?” Scootaloo asked. “You know, if you want to get a real workout, we could jog through Central Park.”

        I shook my head. “I think that much exercise might actually kill me.” I looked at the sign for 42nd Street. The sign where my name had been a few months ago. “I spent the last month doing basically nothing, and before that, I spent three years taking every pill I could get my hooves on. No, I’m fine just taking a walk down memory lane. Way better than just being stuck alone in my head.”

        “Come on,” Scootaloo said, rolling her eyes. “You’ve had somepony with you since the moment you woke up in the hospital bed. Nopony’s gonna leave you alone.”

        “Yeah,” I said, picking up my pace. Up ahead, I could see my old apartment building. “You don’t need to remind me that I always have somepony hovering right over my head in case I do something wrong.”

        “Wait, so first you’re upset because you’re stuck in the house all day alone with your thoughts, and now you’re mad that we won’t leave you alone?” Scootaloo asked, glaring at me. “That makes no sense.”

        “It’s not that hard to understand,” I said, stomping forward and ignoring the way some ponies were glancing at us. “I want to be able to go outside, and I also want to be able to be alone. And I mean completely alone. Not just have a room to myself while you and Mom wait outside the door. I want freedom. I want to feel like not a prisoner. Also, I thought you didn’t want to be bossy with me.”

        “Yeah, I like it when you make me feel all…” She trailed off, a tinge of red in her cheeks as she glanced at the ponies around us. “Make me feel all… you know, but I don’t like it when you’re being a complete idiot, and if I have to be bossy to get some sense in your head, then I’ll be bossy.”

        I smiled a tiny smile. An unkind smile. “Oh, I’ll show you bossy tonight,” I said, glancing at my building. “You want to feel subby? You want to feel like a mare? Well consider that wish granted.”

        “Wait,” she said, jumping in front of me to stop me and getting some very nasty looks in response. “We’re going to the penthouse, aren’t we?”

        I grinned, flashing my teeth at her. “Did you just figure that out? Where else could we be going?”

        “I don’t know,” she said, still blocking my path. “I guess when you said ‘let’s go for a walk,’ I was dumb and decided to believe you.”

        “Oh, come on,” I said, stomping a hoof and trying to move past her. Unfortunately for me, the courier was way faster than the pampered unicorn. “I didn’t lie. We did go for a walk, I just didn’t tell you where we were walking to.”

        “Well, it doesn’t matter, because unless you have the key–”

        I floated the key out of my pocket and gave her a glimpse of silver, smirking. “You were saying?”

        “Okay,” she said, sighing and rubbing her forehead. The few ponies that were out this late at night were crossing the street to get out of our way. “You planned this out, what exactly do you want to do at your apartment that’s so important?”

        “I want to pick up some stuff. Stuff for us. You know, that kit I told you about? I thought you might like some of the stuff in there,” I took a step forward to nuzzle at her cheek and whisper. “Plus, I have that four-post bed, which I’m so going to use tonight.”

        “Wait,” she said, the steel in her voice melting under the heat of my breath. “You said we’d wait until I was–”

        “We are,” I said, kissing her cheek. “Trust me, I won’t do anything until you give the okay, and if I do do something you don’t like, you know what to say.”

        “Right,” she said, slowly nodding her head while I watched the tiny little movements of her muscles and tendons in her neck contracting. Once I finally got her to be okay with the two of us having sex, I was going to have so much fun. Like, even more fun than I was having just tormenting her.

        “Uhmm… Sweetie,” she said, pulling her head back and staring at me. “You’ve got this look in your eyes and–”

        “To the penthouse!” I said, trotting forward in a sprint. Or… what was a sprint for me. For Scootaloo, it was more like a light jog. “You’re going to love it, I promise.”

        “Uh-huh,” she said, easily keeping pace with me. “So, how are you going to get into the penthouse without being seen by the paparazzi?”

        I stumbled to a halt, almost tripping over myself as I spotted a small group of ponies loitering across the street from my apartment with cameras hanging around their necks. “Okay,” I said, rubbing the back of my head. “This is…” I looked to the alley leading to behind the apartment building. “The service entrance.” I nodded and turned around. “We’ll have to take some back alleys, but it shouldn’t be too hard.”

        “Or we could just go home and come back later with–”

        “With my mom?” I asked, tilting my head as we trotted over to another alleyway a block or so away from the group. “Yeah, I think I’ll pass on that considering that half the reason I did this was so I could get you alone.” I smiled at the fantasies playing in my head. “Oh, you’re going to love this.”

        “Yeah, you keep saying that,” Scootaloo said, letting me lead as we ducked into the alley and I stepped around a puddle of garbage water. She just hopped over it. “But you won’t tell me what I’m going to love.”

        I rolled my eyes. “Because it’s a surprise. And if you don’t like it, you just have to say ‘Rainbow Dash’ and I’ll stop, so… let me surprise you? Please?”

        “Fine,” she said, sighing as we passed under a fire escape. I glanced at the building on my left, the building I’d had my first show at. Huh, how far had I come since then? Or not come? Back with less than I had in almost every way, but maybe more in some.

        “Relax, Sweetie,” Bright Lights said, kissing my neck as somepony finished fitting me in my costume. “You’ve spent weeks practicing for this part, you’ll be great. If I doubted you, would I be here?”

        “No,” I said, shaking my head and looking at her through Joy-tinted goggles. I felt like smiling, but not so much that it would rip my face up. A casual smile. A smile that came with a few more drugs than just Joy to hit the sweet spot. Tranquility? I closed my eyes and nodded. Maybe some tranquility. “My medicine will last through the show? I don’t want to–”

        “Of course, it will last,” she said, stroking my mane. “You think I’d leave you onstage with your cold sweats? Everything will be fine, Sweetie, just go up there, hit your lines, and sing your heart out.” She leaned in and whispered in my ear. “Sing for me, okay?”

        I nodded at her as a fog fell over my eyes. “Oh no,” Bright Lights said, trotting over to a cabinet drawer. “Here, take some Pep before you go out there. We don’t want you zoning out on stage.”

        “Sorry,” I said, shaking my head and swallowing the pill she gave me without even bothering to take water. Where had the costume mare gone? Hadn’t she been here a minute ago?

        “It’s fine,” she said, giving one last kiss and turning around to flick my nose with her tail as she opened the door up. “Now get out there and do what you’ve been training for. I know you won’t disappoint me.” I stepped towards the door and placed a hoof in the middle of a puddle. Seriously, had it been raining earlier today and I just hadn’t noticed? 

“Sweetie?” Scootaloo asked, raising an eyebrow at me, crystal in her hoof. “You alright? You kind of zoned out there?”

“Yeah,” I said, giving her a smile and stepping forward, ignoring my one wet hoof. “Just...  walking through some old memories. You know, I had my first bridleway show here.”

“I know,” she said, putting the crystal back in her saddlebags. “I was there.”

“Really?” I asked, looking back at her and almost stepping in another puddle of garbage water. “I…”

“Yeah, your mom and I went to see all your shows at least once. I know that’s only like… five shows, but still, we did our best to keep close,” Scootaloo said, hopping over the puddles I weaved around.

“Really?” I asked, tilting my head. “How was I? Up on stage?”

“You mean you don’t know?” she asked tilting her head as we trotted over to the service entrance. “How’s that work?”

“Lots of drugs,” I said, dropping my voice as we got closer to the guard outside the service entrance. “Like, a lot of things about the last three years are really blurry, and the things I do remember are more like… impressions?” I shook my head. “I don’t know, it’s like it’s murky, but sometimes, a memory will just turn crystal clear and it’s like I’m reliving it all over again.” Except for the sex; for some reason, that was fixed in my head pretty well. Maybe it was because I kept a journal for it? Speaking of which, hopefully, I still had it. It would make for good inspiration with Scootaloo.

“Well, you were fine on stage. You sounded great, and I couldn’t tell you were completely pumped full of drugs,” Scootaloo said as we rounded the corner to the service entrance. She was about to say more, but then I gave her a kiss to keep her quiet while I talked with the guard.

“Oh, hello, Miss Belle,” he said in his gruff, almost gravel voice, nodding at me. “Been a while since I seen you. Heard all the stories in the papers, and… Are they true? You don’t seem like the type of mare who’d do that stuff.”

I sighed. I could lie. I could lie really easily, but… if I wanted to get better, I had to own this, right? “They’re true,” I said, frowning and taking a deep breath. “I… I wasn’t in a good place back then, and I tried to take a bunch of shortcuts to feeling happy. I’m trying to be better, though.”

He looked at me and shrugged. “Well, we’ve all made some mistakes, I s’pose. ‘Sides, you were always pretty decent whenever we talked.”

“I was?” I asked, tilting my head at him. “I… are you sure?”

Another nod. “Saw it with my own eyes. Maybe not that talky, but you’d always smile and say thanks when ya passed. Reckon we all do some rough things growin’ up. Trick is getting past ‘em.” He moved to open the door and let us through. “Err… if you don’t mind me editorializin’, that is.”

I smiled at him as I passed. “No… it’s fine, thank you…” Shoot, what was his name? It would be kind of bad if I had to ask that now after he was so nice to me. I redoubled my smile. “Thank you, it’s nice hearing that from somepony.” Even if I’m not sure I believe it. “Uhmm… could you not tell the press I’m here?”

“Tell ‘em who’s here?” he asked, laughing. “I don’t see nopony here.”

I gave him another nod as Scootaloo and I walked into the building and navigated the corridors to the elevator. “So, he was nice,” Scootaloo said.

“Yeah,” I said, frowning. “Is it bad I don’t remember his name? I probably would if he was a mare, though.” I shook my head. “Well, I wouldn’t, because I don’t really remember their names, but I’d have been a lot more interested in getting to know her. Was that a Trottingham accent?”

“I don’t know,” Scootaloo said, following behind me. “I don’t pay attention to that stuff. Anyways…” She trailed off as I summoned the elevator. “So, what are we doing again?”

“Really? I told you, like, five times that it’s a surprise. If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?”

“You know, I don’t really like surprises, at least not surprises that have me getting tied up,” she said as the door opened and we trotted into the elevator. I clicked my floor. 

I laughed. “Well then, don’t worry... you won’t be getting tied up.” Beneath us, the elevator lurched up. “You’ll be tied down. That’s a completely different thing.”

“Yeah, the second you pull out a whip or hot candle wax, I’m shouting Rainbow Dash,” she said. I looked around the elevator. No mirrors, thank Celestia.

“First, that’s amateur-hour stuff. Well, whips are still fun, but…” I probably wasn’t helping my case. “Not important. What is important is that I’m not going to do anything to hurt you unless you tell me you’re okay with it.”

“So, what?” she asked. I tapped my hoof as I watched the counter climb. “You’re just going to tie me down and make out with me?” I tried not to grin as I caught her wings flare out at the thought. My little Scootaloo was on the hook. Now to reel her in. “That’s…”

“That’s part of what I’ll do,” I said, leaning in to kiss her. Our lips pressed together, and I ran a hoof down her to stroke her wings. Ooh! I could try wingplay, I’d never really messed with it a lot, but if it was anything like hornplay… I’d have to ask Twilight about that. “A small part. Maybe…” What was one of those fancy literary words? I shook my head. It wasn’t important. “Well, you’ll seeeee.”

She groaned and the elevator ground to a halt. My level, time to go. “Yeah, right, it’s a surprise. Just promise it won’t be too crazy, alright?”

“I can’t promise that,” I said, pulling my key out of my pocket. “Like, what makes something crazy for me is completely different from your crazy.” I floated the key up near the ceiling. “Let’s say me, I’m here.” I dropped the key down and floated it near the floor, raising it from just a few inches off the ground up to my eye level. “And you’re somewhere around here.” I stopped the key right where my leg joined my barrel. “And this is what I’ve planned for tonight.” I turned around to unlock my room. “So it all depends on how adventurous you are.”

“Uhmm… excuse me, my mom’s the captain of the Wonderbolts, and Rainbow Dash is like an honorary big sister. I think I can handle a bit of adventure,” she said, walking up to stand right behind me.

I rolled my eyes and flicked my tail in her face, imagining her catching a whiff of my shampoo. “Yeah, okay, maybe normally. Like, if we’re fighting a dragon, you’ll be way more into that than me, but if it’s going to an orgy… I bet you wouldn’t even like an orgy.”

“Do most ponies?” she asked as the lock clicked and the door swung open. “Like, I thought that was some weird deviant stuff.”

“I don’t know,” I said, “but that’s where we’re at. They’re weird and bad for you, but they’re completely normal and kind of boring for me. I had an entire… host of ponies working on me to make sure I felt good. At least three, plus props and tools.” I trotted into the living room and paused, eyes darting to the spot next to the couch where the red used to be. The carpet had been shampooed clean, and… my eyes searched the room. There was hardly any trace of what I’d done. I saw a little something in the window. Hardly. I shook my head. We can deal with that later, first we have to deal with Scootaloo.

“Wait, three? Why would you need three ponies?” Scootaloo asked, lagging behind me as I trotted to my bedroom. 

“Horn, lips, and…” I quirked my head. “But that was only when I was good, and Bright Lights thought I deserved a reward. The rest of the time, I just played… games with her.” Against my will, I found a smile forming on my lips. “And she knew how to play. Every time I came home, it felt like she had something new and crazy planned out.”

“Uhmm… that sounds crazy in a really bad way,” Scootaloo said. I just rolled my eyes. “And… three ponies? Really? How am I supposed to compete with that?”

I stopped and turned around to nuzzle her neck. “Scootaloo, you’re not going to. It’s not supposed to be a competition. We both love each other, and we’re going to make each other happy because we love each other. I know I’m crazy and jaded when it comes to sex, but this… this is as weird and new to me as it is to you. So you’re not going to compete. We’re going to experiment and see what stuff you like. See what makes you happy. See what makes you feel good. Think of me as… a teacher who loves you, alright?” I pulled away and tilted my head, begging her with my eyes to say yes.

“Yeah, alright,” she said with a sigh. “Just… a little intimidating, you know?”

I turned back and opened the door to my bedroom, jumping through with a little squeal. “That’s great news. I bet the intimidation, does it make you feel mare-ish? Subby? Is that good for you? Because for me, being in the hooves of a master, completely subject to their whims…” My eyes threatened to roll back in their socket. “Oh, I wish I was you right now, fresh-faced and not knowing anything, and in for the night of your life.” I cackled. “The intimidation is good though, right? That weakness in the back of your legs? The mix of fear and excitement at seeing what’s behind this door?” I trotted to my bookshelf and floated it aside to reveal a secret passageway.

“Welcome, Scootaloo, to my inner sanctum!” I jumped into the secret room that used to be a very large closet and gave a twirl. We’d had to expand the walls and take up more than a bit of one of the baths, but it was so worth it. On the red padded walls hung all sorts of nice toys for me to use, but the real surprise was under the four-post bed.

“Ho… ly… Celestia,” Scootaloo said, crossing the threshold with her eyes big like dinner plates. “We didn’t find this room when we were cleaning.”

“I can tell,” I said, flopping on to the bed and laughing. “Oh, I bet I would have heard if you found my little treasure trove. But you didn’t, so I get to see your reaction for the first time.” I rolled off the bed and stood up straight, magically smoothing out the sheets as I did so. “Now, get on the bed and lay down.”

“What?” she asked, pausing in her tracks and looking at me. “You’re seriously going to go straight to tying me down? I thought there’d be more time for talking and stuff.”

“You thought wrong,” I said, shaking my head and putting as much steel in my voice as I could. “Now get on the bed.”

“Fine,” she said, getting on the bed and collapsing on her stomach.

“On your back,” I corrected, keeping my eyes on her and floating the emergency rope supply out of its hiding place. “And remember, if you feel uncomfortable, if you want me to stop immediately, you know what to say, right?”

“Yeah,” she said, trying to hide her nervous swallow as I unwound the first coil and wrapped it around a bedpost. “So… can I ask what’s up with you and tying me up?”

“Sure,” I said, shrugging and tightening the knot around the post before looping the other end around Scootaloo’s forehoof, careful to get it tight enough that she couldn’t just slip it out. “You like feeling subby or mare-ish or whatever you want to call it.” I tightened the knot. “Oh, spread your wings out, please.”

“Why?” she asked, lifting her head up to look at me. And there I went, being all nice and not at all stallion-ey like she wanted me to be.

“Just do it,” I said, voice stern as I tightened the rope a smidge tighter than I needed to. The second she spread her wings out, I loosened it just enough. “Great.” I went to the next rope. Three more left. “So, you want to feel subby, and what’s more subby than being completely helpless in my clutches. You like being overpowered when we kiss, so I figure you’ll really like being completely powerless.” I tightened the second rope and trotted over to kiss her forehead. “Trust me, if you want to feel subby, this will make you feel subby.” I flopped down next to her as I continued tying the rope from memory. “Ooh, I remember when I was in your place, and it was just so…” I shivered. “I get why you want this, and that’s why I know you’ll love what I’ve got planned.”

“And we’ll go at my speed, right? You’re not going to...” she asked as I hopped off the bed and finished up the third rope. I smiled at that. She was already sinking into her happy space, giving more and more power to me. I wasn’t going to disappoint. 

“Yep,” I said. “I’m not going to do anything to you tonight that you don’t beg me to do.” I laughed. She didn’t understand why, but she would. “Now…” I floated a bag out from a cabinet and set it down next to the bed. “This is… one of my kits. The nicer one. I’m going to take out every last item in here, show it to you, and then tell you how I’m going to use it on you.” I hopped on the bed and straddled her before bending down to nibble at her ear and whisper. “But first, I’m going to take something of yours.” My horn lit up and Scootaloo winced as an orange feather floated into her view. “A new toy.” I traced the outline of her cheek with it. “Have you ever been tickled with one of your own feathers before?”

She shook her head, and I smiled down at her, running it down her neck and closer towards the soft hairs of her belly, although calling it a belly wasn’t quite right with her. Either way, the skin was still soft and sensitive and perfect for tickling. “Do you want me to stop?”

More head shaking, and I caught the way her eyelids kind of fluttered. Right, she wasn’t used to any of this stuff. Don’t go too overboard, otherwise the punishment won’t work. “Alright,” I said, floating a bolt of purple silk out of the bag and rubbing it against her cheek. “Now let me tell you what I’m going to do with this.”


♪♪♪


        I whispered the answers in her ear, giving her little tastes of what she could be having. A touch of silk, a nibble, the feeling of my lips, the tingle of magic, a tickle with the feather, and more. Never too much, just enough to tease her and build her up higher and higher until she was on the top of a cliff face. “So,” I said after I finished my lecture, smiling at the way her body burned under me. “Do you want me to stop? To let you go?”

        She shook her head. “I’m sorry,” I said, looking down at her. “Good mares use their words. Say what you want.”

        “I want…” Her back leg spasmed as I traced the feather along her lips. “I want…”

        “Say it,” I whispered, leaning down close, my words tickling the fine hair of her cheek. “Say what you want or I won’t do anything. I’ll just untie the knots and let you go home and we’ll never do this again.”

        “No,” she screamed, shaking her head. “No… do it. I want you to do everything to me. Please.”

        “Are you suuuureeee?” I asked, stretching out the last word. The next part was going to be hard for both of us, but she needed to be punished. Plus, it would probably make the part after the next part better. “Because that doesn’t sound like the way a good mare would ask. In fact, it sounds like something a stallion would say.” I moved the feather up to tickle under her chin. “And you know I don’t date stallions.”

        “Sorry,” she said, her cheeks going red. “I… please. Please just… I don’t know what I should even ask for. We’re not going to have sex, but at the same time, this feels a lot like it, just without the stallion.”

        I pulled the feather away and hopped off her. Stupid straight mare. How could she not know anything about this stuff? “Time out. Scootaloo, mares can have sex. You… get that, right? Like this, what you want me to do to you, that’s sex. Yeah, it’s not boring traditional sex, but you don’t need…” I shook my head. “What you want me to do is have sex with you. Got it?” Okay, some purists might argue that what I had planned was too passive to really count, but what did they know?

        “Really?” she asked, retreating from the edge I’d built her towards. Not that that heat I’d put in her was going away any time soon. “But there’s no… I always thought you needed a stallion to actually have real sex and not just fool around.”

        I just shook my head and brought the feather down on her. There was no way getting into a debate about ‘real’ sex wouldn’t just kill the moment. “Just pretend I kind of know what I’m doing, alright? Now…” I bent over to kiss her barrel, lightly dragging my teeth across her tender flesh. If she was as sensitive as me, she’d be getting a nice tingle jolting up and down her body right now. She squirmed under me. She was. “Tell me what you want.”

        “Have sex with me. Please, have sex with me, or whatever you want to call it, just take all that crazy stuff in your head and do it to me, alright? Please,” she said, lifting her head up to look at me. Almost ready.

        “Beg,” I said, taking the silk and rubbing it against her inner thigh. “And do it in the submissive mare-ish way possible.”

        “Alright,” she said, squirming under the silk’s touch. “Please. please do everything you can to me.  Please, I’ll be nice and subby. I’ll even say I want to be subby for you, just stop teasing me.”

        I pulled the silk away and raised an eyebrow. “You want to be a mare?” She nodded. “You want to touch your inner femininity?” More nodding. “You won’t act all stallion-ey around me anymore? You’ll just be nice and submissive and sweet. You’ll be my nice little Scootadoll?”

        “Really?” Scootaloo asked, lifting her head up for a half second before letting it go down again. “Don’t you think you’re kind of overdoing it?”

        “Fine,” I said, swishing around to the door. “If you don’t want it, I can just find something else to do.”

        “Alright, fine!” she yelled. Good thing we’d soundproofed this room. Noise complaints can really ruin a party. “I don’t even care if you call me your Scootadoll, just… please don’t embarrass me in public too much? When we’re alone, though, I’m completely yours.”

        I grinned and took a step towards her. “If you’re sure that’s what you want…” I said. “I’d hate to twist your hoof.” I laughed and gave her a kiss on the cheek and caressed her whole body all at once with my magic. “But if you really want to be my good mare…” I narrowed my eyes. “Maybe you shouldn’t have embarrassed me in front of three princesses today. In front of my mom.” I pulled away and floated the silk bolt, unravelling it. “I think you need to think about what you’ve done, and maybe you’ll learn something.” I lifted her up slightly in the air so I could start cocooning her in silk, starting just below where her forelegs met her barrel after making sure the rope didn’t give her enough slack that she could mess with my wrap. “So… I think I’m going to give you some alone time.” 

        “Wait, Sweetie, what are you doing?” Scootaloo asked as my wrap moved lower, binding her wings against her tight. That was the trick, to make sure it was tight but still give her enough room to wriggle and writhe. I grinned to myself. She’d be doing a lot of that.

        “You’ll see,” I said, moving down to wrap each leg individually, it was going to be tricky, but if I did the trip back right, from her hoof to her lower barrel… well, she’d feel it. Her eyes went wide with realization as I moved to bind her legs together. “I had to double layer it at some points, so it might get a bit… hot in there.” She fidgeted, and I imagined all that silk rubbing against her skin and fur. I shivered. What I’d give to be her right now.

        “Anyways, I’ve got some stuff to take care of,” I said, turning towards the door after spending a minute to watch the way she wiggled in her cocoon. “I’ll be back in a little bit. Try not to tire yourself out while you think. Oh! And don’t mess up the silk too much, it was pretty expensive to get that much that’s that good, but isn’t it worth it?”

        There was a bit of a grunt, a whimper, and a moan in response as I trotted out of the room and shut the door. Wow, she was that far gone already? Probably shouldn’t leave her for too long, then. 

        “I’m proud of you,” an image of Bright Lights said, appearing right in front of me. “I’m happy to see you learned under my tutelage.” I walked right through her.

        “Look, I really don’t want to have a conversation with you right now,” I said, trotting to my armoire and opening the top cabinet. “I have things to do, and judging how Scootaloo’s doing, probably not that long to do it.” I tilted my head. Not that I couldn’t let her squirm a little longer. This was supposed to be a punishment, right? I grabbed the false back in the cabinet with my magic and pulled it away, revealing my hidden stash. Twelve pill bottles full of fun or oblivion or whatever it was I’d wanted back then. I stared at them.

        “You have to do this, Sweetie,” my mom said from behind me. “It’s important you make this choice, not anypony else.”

        “Yeah, yeah, I know,” I said, scooping the pill bottles plus a bottle of rum up with my magic. 

        “Yes, make a clean break with your past self,” Bright Lights said as I trotted over to the bathroom. “You can’t be you anymore, but you’re doing a wonderful impersonation of me. You’ve got Scootaloo eating out of your hoof.”

        “Don’t even think about comparing us,” I said, entering the master bath and avoiding my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t want to make this a four-way conversation. It won’t be, it’ll still just be you. “I’m doing this for Scootaloo.” I took a breath. “If acting like you is what it takes to keep her, I’ll do it.”

        “Mhmm… it doesn’t hurt that you enjoy it though, right?” Bright Lights said, brushing against me as I set down the twelve plus one bottles on the marble counter. “That rush of power, seeing her completely helpless in front of you. It’s more addictive than any drug.” She nipped at my ears. “I gave you a dozen different highs, but I had the only one that ever mattered: Power. Seeing you grovel and beg and do anything for that next sweet little rush, that next hit of pleasure, nothing made me feel better.”

        “How do you know that?” I asked, unscrewing the lid to the first bottle and pouring it into the toilet. Goodbye – I checked the label – Dreamer. Huh, was that the one that messed with my head so much? Wouldn’t be sad to see that one go.

        “Because you know it,” Bright Lights said. “Why do you think you’re finally getting rid of your last stash of drugs now? Because you found something better.” I gritted my teeth and poured the next bottle out. 

        “I’m doing it now because this was the first time I could get out of the house and actually do something without three other ponies watching me. I waited for my opening, I saw it when Mom got drunk, and then… okay, it was nice that my relationship with Scootaloo gave me an easy way to deal with her, but it’s not like I’m just doing this because Scootaloo’s bound and helpless and probably screaming her head off in the next room…” I trailed off, imagining how the touch of silk was making her lose her mind and felt a wave of heat radiate through me. I’d be coming back to that image later. 

        “Mhmm,” Bright Lights said, I didn’t have to see her to know that look of stupid smugness was on her face. “You say that, but your body tells a different story. Don’t lie and tell yourself this is some big victory for you, you’re just trading highs.”

        “So what if I like it?” I snapped, pouring more pills out. Goodbye, Zen. “Yeah, it’s fun, but it’s what Scootaloo wants. Me being stallion-ey was the only way I could get her to be with me, and… she’s done so much for me, if this is what it takes for her to be happy, I’ll do it.” I looked back to see Bright Lights’ eyes burrowing into me. “Plus… yeah, it feels great.”

        “And so you’re willing to turn her into your very own Sweetie Belle,” she said, smiling. I looked back to my work and poured out more pills. Goodbye, Pep. “You know, maybe this is how I started out. I wonder what the penthouse you’re building for Scootaloo will look like.”

        I stomped my hoof and swivelled back around to glare at her. “I never asked for any of this, I never said ‘Hey, Bright Lights, could you get me hooked on a bunch of drugs and take me away from all my friends?’”

        She tilted her head and the world lurched around us, we were standing in her dorm, our two younger selves cuddling next to each other. I knew this scene, it was the first time I was in her dorm room, the first time we–

        “Is there anything else you want?” Young Bright Lights asked. Stupid Young Sweetie just looked at her like she was her savior. 

        “Are there pills that make you happy?” young me asked. I winced. It wasn’t my fault. She did this to me.

        “Keep telling yourself that,” the older Bright Lights whispered.

        “There are,” Young Bright Lights said, smiling. I didn’t see it then, but now I saw the daggers hidden behind her lips, waiting to carve into me. “Would you like me to get you some?”

        I closed my eyes and took a breath, not wanting to hear what would come next. Say no, you stupid filly. Say no and save yourself. Get out of there and run and never stop running until you’re on the other side of Equestria. This was my hallucination, it didn’t have to end like–

        “Alright,” I said. I opened my eyes to find myself staring at Young Bright Lights, still feeling the heat of her kisses burning through me. 

        “Then open your mouth and stick out your tongue,” she said, a pill floating towards me wrapped firmly in her pink magic. I nodded and obeyed, eagerly awaiting its touch. Soon it will all be over, soon you won’t hurt anymore. A weight settled onto my tongue, and the whole world dissolved around me as I melted into paradise.

        And then, I was standing in a cold bathroom, staring into a toilet filled with pills. “You asked for it. You wanted Joy. I just did what I could to make you happy.”

        “It’s still different,” I said, trying to shake off the phantom euphoria of the imagined Joy. “And it’s what I have to do for her to want to be with me.” A cold shaking gripped me. I wasn’t a monster like Bright Lights, I was just doing what Scootaloo wanted, and I did like it. Nopony was getting hurt here.

        “I wasn’t hurting you eith–”

        “I know!” I yelled as a bolt of magic shot through my horn and ripped her to shreds. She’d be back eventually, but I had a few minutes to finish what I needed to. I gulped and turned back to the last two bottles. The bottle of rum and the bottle of Joy. I grabbed the pill bottle and floated it to me, struggling with the cap.

        “Just pour it all out,” my Mom said from behind me. “You know it’s not really happiness.”

        The bottle drifted closer to me, and I finally got the cap off. I looked down at the collection of happy pink little pills. Would it be so wrong to just take one pill? You’ve had a hard day, and you deserve a little relaxation. A break from all that guilt and self-loathing. We won’t go back to how we were before just by taking one pill.

        That was true, right? I wasn’t… I could still have sex without being a bad mare, I just couldn’t overdo it. Wouldn’t the same be true with drugs? A little Joy now and then? That wouldn’t hurt anypony. A little Joy and a little rum, just to take the sting off. Heck, I had so much tolerance, a pill wouldn’t even do anything. So why not two? Just enough to get the effect.

        I flushed away the bad pills. The ones I didn’t need. The ones that just hurt me. I flushed them and hid the empty bottles under the sink. I’d throw them out later. “Sweetie, don’t do this,” my mom said as I grabbed the Joy and the rum and trotted out of the bathroom towards the kitchen.

“Come on, it’s just one drink and one pill. I kind of deserve that much, don’t I?” I asked, looking at her as I walked. “I can still date Scootaloo, right?”

“Yeeeeessss,” she said, shaking her head. “But I really don’t see how your relationship with Scootaloo pertains at all to…” she pointed at the bottles. “This poison.”

“Right, so me having orgies all the time and doing all that crazy sex stuff was definitely bad, right?” Mom nodded. “But me dating Scootaloo is okay, so… obviously, if I don’t over do it, it’s okay. Like, you can get drunk occasionally and it’s okay.”

“Yes, Sweetie, but I don’t get drunk just to feel okay with myself. I don’t do it just to make the self-loathing stop for a few hours. There’s a difference between drinking with friends and drinking to self-medicate,” she said. 

“But I’m already pretty medicated,” I said, ignoring her. “So what’s one more pill? Just to feel good for a few hours without all this guilt and stuff. Besides, I don’t know how to get any more Joy, so once this is gone, I’ll be out forever.”

“You just orchestrated a gambit to get back to your penthouse and spend some time alone. I think you’re smart enough to find somepony to sell you more Joy,” Mom said as I reached the kitchen and pulled out a whiskey glass. 

“Okay, maybe,” I said, shaking my head and unscrewing the cap to the rum bottle, “but I’m not going to, so I don’t see what the big deal is. Don’t you trust me?” I poured about a third of a hoofful into the glass and floated a pill out of the Joy bottle.

Mom raised an eyebrow and I laughed. “Right, probably not,” I said, shaking my head. “Well, anyways…” I lit up my horn. “Bye.” And a bolt of magic shot out, tearing my mom apart and leaving me alone as I plopped the pill into the punch and watched it dissolve, swirling my drink around to help it along.

I trotted over to the window, drink floating next to me and traced a hoof along its length before stopping at the small crack in it. How many more throws would it have taken until… My eyes looked down into the inky black at the ground and the rows of street lights and neon signs. Standing on the edge of the cliff, imaging the fall and the splat. I gulped down my drink. I already knew.

And that was it. The drink ran down my throat and settled in my stomach, a slow heat spreading out within. How much longer until I started feeling it? Or stopped feeling it? My lips tried to twitch upwards as I took a seat on the couch, laying on my back and looking at the ceiling fan. I floated the rum and pill bottle under the counter. Not too much longer.


♪♪♪


        I laughed at the world, my head smushed up against the window, looking down at the world of light below. Bright pinks and neons and every other color striking out against the black and illuminating the city. It was all so pretty, I could practically reach out a hoof and touch it. My hoof tapped to the song beating in my heart, words just out of hearing. “Duh-duh-duh-duhhhhhh-dada-duhhhh,” I sang. Not quite real singing, no words yet, but it was a song. “And I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day when I felt the way that I do right now.” Better.

My head swirled away from the light to see the penthouse with new eyes. Or was it old eyes? Eyes that saw color popping out of the world instead of a grey fog. I giggled some more and vaulted over my couch, landing on the cushioning. “Let’s see you do that, Scootaloo,” I said.

Scootaloo… Scootaloo… There was something about her I was forgetting. I shook my head. Probably not important. Nothing was important but the next taste. About keeping this feeling alive. About not falling off the roof of the world. That’s what I wanted. To stay up here. I hopped over to the kitchen and poured another glass of rum. One more won’t hurt. You’ll feel even better than you do now.

“You’re right, voice in my head,” I said after another bout of laughter. “And what do you say about another pill?”

“Sweetie,” Mom said, coming out from nowhere. “Don’t do this. You justified it to yourself as just one pill, and now you’re already bargaining for another. You know how this road ends.”

“No, I don’t,” I said, rolling my eyes at her. “I’ve never been here before, because I’m free! Nopony’s pulling my strings anymore, and… I have to do this, you know? Like, I can’t take hurting and feeling awful anymore. I want to be happy again. Not forever, tomorrow I can go back to feeling all weird and bad, but can’t I just be happy tonight?”

“Ooh, keep bargaining with yourself, Sweetie,” Bright Lights said, coming to stand next to Mom. “I love the way you’re proving me right. Proving I wasn’t responsible for what you did. You were. Every awful thing you did was your fault.”

“Get out of here,” I said, taking my other drink and rubbing my cheek with one hoof. “I’m so sick of you, and if I can’t get rid of you now… Can’t I get one night without any voices in my head?”

“Actually,” Doctor Hooves said, joining in the chorus. “Substance abuse is exacerbating the problem, not helping it.”

“You hear that, Sweetie?” Bright Lights said, taking a step forward and pouring out another glass for me and setting out a pill.

I closed my eyes and took a breath, trying to clear my head, but it was like… like there was this crackling energy that wanted to eat the world, and nothing I could do could completely get rid of it. “Maybe… Maybe I made a mistake,” I said as the pink something ripped through my head again, scattering away… whatever I’d been thinking about. “Maybe…” I blinked. Nopony was there. Had anypony ever been there?” I shook my head and grabbed my pill bottle. 

What are you forgetting? It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but the feeling, the pulse beating in my heart, driving me higher and higher. The higher you are, the longer the fall. Didn’t matter either, I wasn’t going to fall, I could fly. I took a step towards the window and stopped, catching myself. I couldn’t actually fly. I sat on the couch and took a breath, trying to steady myself.

“This isn’t right,” I said, rubbing my forehead. “This is… I’m doing something bad, I just can’t…” I sighed and sunk into the couch. “Is it so bad that I don’t want to feel guilty all the time?” I tried to smile, but it felt false. Maybe if I took more Joy? I had to overcome the tolerance.

“No!” Mom said in my voice. “No more pills, you need to go back to your room, untie Scootaloo, and get out of here. Burn it down, preferably, but get out!”

That’s what I was forgetting! Scootaloo was still bound up in her silk cocoon. Luckily, it had only been… I glanced at the clock. Almost two hours. Uh-oh. I trotted back to the kitchen and hid the bottles. No point risking anything, and a few more seconds probably wouldn’t hurt Scootaloo one way or another, right? Like, the damage was done. I shook my head and moved back to my bedroom. I paused at the door and took several deep breaths, trying to clear my head before opening the door and seeing what lay beyond.

Scootaloo was… She looked almost passed out, her body completely limp and eyes closed. If it wasn’t for the occasional twitch, I might have believed it. “Scootaloo?” I asked, moving into the room.

“Glugh?” Yeah, definitely left her in there a bit too long. A lot too long.

“Uhmm… can you say an actual word?” I asked, moving closer to her and grabbing one end of the silk with my magic. She shook her head. “Okay, I’m really sorry about leaving you here so long. I… lost track of time.” I gave a tug at the silk. “Just give me a second, though, and you’ll be–” A bolt of magic ran through me and pulled me inside myself. “Really? Now! You’ve got to be–”

The world ripped apart and I was suddenly standing back in Mom’s suite. “–Kidding me!” I glared up at Mom. “You need to let me go, right now.”

“Excuse me,” Mom said, tilting her head, her eyes still had a faint glassy look to them. Good, maybe she wouldn’t notice my – I laughed – giddiness. “You’ve been gone for almost four hours, it’s nearly one in the morning. You’ll pardon me for worrying about you.”

“No, you don’t understand, I need to get back to… I left Scootaloo at the penthouse,” I said, shaking my head and looking for Twilight. Luna was probably already in bed. She had to be, it was kind of her job. 

“You were where?! Mom asked, taking a step towards me, her eyes snapping back into focus. “The penthouse? How did you even– I didn’t give you the key.”

“Remember when I had to do my hair?” I asked, smiling at her. Stop smiling! Normal ponies wouldn’t smile now. “I kind of borrowed the key to my penthouse while I was doing that.” And why was she getting mad at me, anyways? I wasn’t a prisoner, was I? I could go to my own house, right? A pit of charcoal ignited in my stomach. “Anyways, it doesn’t matter, I need to get back to Scootaloo as fast as possible.” I looked to Twilight who was collapsed on the couch. Magic plus alcohol must’ve taken it out of her. 

“She’s a big mare, she can find her way back here,” Mom said, moving to keep herself between me and the door.

“Not when she’s tied up, she can’t,” I yelled, trying to sprint past her. Mom was faster, though, and a second later, I felt magic wrap around my tail. You really need to get in better shape. If you were faster, you could be at the door now. Except the door was ultra locked or something, so did it really matter that much?

“Wait,” Twilight said from behind me, “why is she tied up? Did something happen? Did you tie her up?”

“Uhmm… yeah, I did, but probably not in the way you’re thinking.” I shook my head. “Look, can I please go get her? If I leave her all night, she… won’t be in a good place in the morning.”

“What other way could you tie somepony up? Is she in danger? We need to–”

“No, Twilight, dearest, we don’t. Do you remember that book we read? Venus in Furs?” Mom asked. 

Twilight stared at her and me, gears in her head grinding away. “Oh. Ohhhhhh.” She rubbed the back of  her head. “Sorry, Sweetie, I’m still a little… I shouldn’t have accused you of anything.” I tried to make my smile look appropriately sympathetic.

“Scootaloo’s suffering because of your…” a younger me appeared from nowhere and spat, “addiction.”

“Hmm, apparently you didn’t take enjoy Joy to erase your guilt,” Bright Lights said, standing next to her. “Perhaps you should take more. Just a few more pills and you’ll finally have a piece of peace and happiness. How long has it been since you had that?”

“Anyways,” I said, talking to the two real ponies in the room. “Can we get going? Because I’m guessing you won’t let me get her without you.”

Mom nodded and turned to the door, her horn lighting up to do their weird complicated unlocking thing. Twilight followed after. “You’re completely right, Sweetie. While I do apologize for interrupting you in one of your more intimate moments, I’m still not about to trust you on your own.” 

“And she shouldn’t,” Young Me said from behind me. “The moment you had a bit of freedom, you went back to using drugs.”

“It’s not my fault,” I whispered, hopefully low enough Mom and Twilight wouldn’t hear. “I was trying to get rid of them, but Bright Lights…”

“Still blaming me even when I’m nowhere near you, I see,” Bright Lights said, laughing. “When will you accept that all this is your fault? That you’re a bad twisted mare who can’t be trusted to do anything right? Once you embrace your brokenness, I promise you’ll be so much happier.”

“Not talking to you,” I mumbled, drawing my coat tighter. Had I just not taken it off in the penthouse? Let’s see, I led Scootaloo to the inner sanctum, tied her up, wrapped her up, flushed most of my drugs, took some, had a drink, stared at the ceiling, and… Nope! I laughed. Everything else and I’d still kept my coat on. Mom looked back at me.

“Sorry,” I said, smiling at her. Don’t act dumb. Just… be quiet, and maybe they won’t notice the song humming in your head. The beating in your heart. Just be dull ordinary Sweetie until you can get to Scootaloo and you’ll be fine. “I’m getting kind of tired, feels like we’re reaching the end of a really long day.” Although, really, as long days go, this probably wouldn’t break into the top five. Number one was Loop Day by a mile, and then… first day of school? There were a few really long days in that first semester at the academy. 

“...About to head to bed, ourselves,” Mom said as we trudged into the elevator. I lifted my head up.

“Sorry, what was that? I was kind of zoning out,” I said, shaking my head and smiling at her. Was I smiling too much? Too much smiling gives away the Joy, and then there’ll be trouble.

“I was just saying that before we summoned you, Twilight and I were about to head to bed,” Mom said as we started our descent. In my head, I tried to imagine every detail of the penthouse. Anything to give me away? The rum and pills were hidden, but… the glass wasn’t. Would that be enough for Mom to figure it out? What about Twilight? She was smart, but kind of had her head in the clouds, she didn’t have Mom’s eye for detail. The two of them together definitely could.

“Sorry,” I said. That’s what I should say, right? What normal Sweetie would? I buried a nervous laugh. Stop laughing. What even is normal Sweetie? A figment of a broken mind. “I didn’t meant to keep you up, I just… I got kind of carried away.”

“It’s fine,” Mom said as our elevator plunged lower and lower. “Rescuing Scootaloo is more important than Twilight and I…” She trailed off and shook her head as realization clicked in my head, burning like a million candles laughing. 

“Gah!” I said, thudding my head against the mirrored wall. It didn’t crack, this time. “I’m so stupid and sorry, you were probably going to do something really awesome to celebrate your engagement tonight, and now I just completely ruined it because I’m dumb and inconsiderate and…” I ran a hoof through my mane and avoided the looks Mom and Twilight were giving me while my heart pounded in my head, a smile threatening to form on my lips. Bad bad bad. No smiling. No freaking out. Normal. Be normal. You can do that, right? No.

“I’m sorry,” I said, body jittering as the lights above me seemed to burn too bright. “I wasn’t thinking. I should’ve been thinking, but I wasn’t, I just wanted to spend some time with Scootaloo.” And flush my drugs. “And I completely messed it up because I didn’t think about what you wanted. This was supposed to be your night, and I just ruined it.”

“You’re It’s still utterly ruining fine, it, Sweetie” Bright Lights and Mom said simultaneously, one smiling, one glaring as their words wrestled in my head. “You Twilight won’t and even I let will them have be a mad lifetime at of you, evenings instead together. playing What’s the one ‘poor loss pitiful against me’ that  card.” Mom closed her mouth and Bright Light’s finished her thought in peace. I wished she hadn’t. “Let them hate you. They should have that much, at least.”

I ignored Bright Lights and looked at Mom, smiling at her and trying to look apologetic. “Sorry, what was that?” I asked.

“I said that it’s utterly fine.” Mom smiled to mask the worry in her eyes. I laughed. She smiled to hide her fears and I tried to hide my smiling. And laughing.

“Sorry,” I said, waving a hoof at her. “I didn’t mean to laugh. Go on.”

“Are you alright?” she asked, turning to take a step closer to me. “You’ve been acting rather… odd since you got back to the suite.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” I said, rolling my eyes. “My marefriend’s abandoned in my secret room completely tied up and… No, of course I’m not fine, I’d have to be crazy to be fine.” Well… Shut up.

“That doesn’t explain the laughter,” Mom said, voice deadpan. “Most ponies don’t laugh during a crisis.”

“It’s…” I tapped a hoof. Think, think, think. “Nervous laughter? I’m just scared, and it’s like, the only thing I can do is laugh, right?” She looked at me and nodded, apparently buying it. 

“It’s wonderful to see how much you care for those around you,” Bright Lights said, still staring at me. How long was this elevator ride going to last? “Willing to lie right to your mother’s face and leave your marefriend tied up. Truly, their love and faith in you is well-placed.” I grit my teeth. With Bright Lights around, maybe not smiling wouldn’t be so hard after all.


♪♪♪


I poked my head into the living room, eyes wide, searching for the only thing that could give me away. “Could you give me a minute?” I asked, looking back at my mom and Twilight. “Just to clean things up so they look nice? I don’t want to embarrass Scootaloo.” Mom raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. Good enough. I slunk into the room and grabbed the empty glass, sticking it in the same cabinet as the rum and the Joy. Hopefully, they wouldn’t look around too hard while I was with Scootaloo.

“Come in,” I said, trotting over to my bedroom. “Just… make yourself comfortable, alright?”

“Of course,” Mom said, trotting into the penthouse, Twilight a step behind her. “We’ll just sit on the couch, then?”

“Sounds great,” I said, giving her a little smile before bolting into my room and dashing into the inner sanctum. Scootaloo wasn’t moving. “Scootaloo?” I asked, stepping closer to her.

“Glugh? Wha?” she said, head lolling to look kind of in my direction, the movement caused her whole body to squirm.

“Are you okay?” I asked, grabbing her with my magic and tugging at one end of the bolt, starting its unravelling. “I’m…” Something hot and wet stung my eyes. “I’m so sorry, this is all my fault. Can you ever forgive me?”

“I‘s fine,” she slurred, another shiver running up her as I unwrapped the silk as fast as I could. “Awesome.”

“That’s…” I exhaled as I finished unwrapping her lower half. “Good to hear. Do you think you can get back to the suite tonight?” She shook her head. “Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” I caught the tiniest of nods.

“Alright,” I said, untying her bonds. I bit my lower lip. “Uhmm… let me just check if that’s okay with Mom and Twilight.”

“‘Kay,” she said, body completely still. I ignored the faint puddle of drool on my silk pillow. As stains went, that wasn’t too bad. I glanced at where I’d thrown the bolt of silk and turned to the door. Once Scootaloo could move, she’d need some water. I felt the parchedness of my lips. Water wouldn’t be that bad for me, either. I laughed. See, Sweetie, everything worked out fine.

“Only because you were very lucky,” Mom said, standing next to me. I paused at the boundary between my room and the living room, I wanted hallucination Mom dealt with before I saw real Mom. Seeing the same pony twice always got weird.

“Yeah, alright,” I said, my magic grabbing the door. “Could we maybe talk about this later?”

“Very well,” Mom said, fading into the distance. “You know to come to me if you need anything, right?”

“Wait, the real you or the voice in my head?” I asked.

I heard her whisper in my ear. “You don’t need me to tell you the answer.”

Yeah, I guess I didn’t. I opened the door and trotted out to Twilight and Mom on the couch. “Scootaloo’s too exhausted to move,” I said, my lips twitching. “Is it okay if I stay here tonight with her?” Mom opened her mouth to say something but I cut her off. “You can stay here too, I have a guest bedroom, so… the penthouse isn’t Sweetie-proofed like the suite is, but it’s just for one night, right?” I sighed. There was still something here I had to do.

Mom looked behind her to the crack in the window. For a long time, nopony said anything. “We’ll stay in the guest room, and as soon as Scootaloo wakes up tomorrow, we’re heading back to the suite. Twilight, what do you think?”

“That sounds fine,” she said, looking from Mom to the guest room. I didn’t need to be psychic to figure out what she was thinking about. “So…” She yawned. “If we’re staying here, I think I’m going to go to bed. You know how much sleep I need these days.”

“I know precisely how much sleep you need,” Mom said, getting up on her hooves and trotting to the door. “I think the both of us will be turning in for the night. I’ll see you in the morning, Sweetie.”

“Yeah, see you then,” I said, trotting into the kitchen and pouring two glasses of water, downing mine immediately. Once the door to their room had clicked shut, I pulled the dirty glass out and washed it, dried it off, and stuck it back in the cabinet. Because that was the bit of evidence we needed to get rid of.

“I’m taking care of it,” I said, grabbing both bottles and trotting back to my bedroom before Mom could come out and ask why I was talking to myself. Not that I thought she would, she probably had other things on her mind. I giggled. Or on her tongue. That’s your mother you’re thinking about. Oh, right. I shook my head and moved to the armoire, pulling out the secret back and putting them in their spot. 

“Hey, Scootaloo,” I said, inching into my secret room with both glasses of water. “I got you some water, are you thirsty?”

She nodded and lifted her head up before limply extending a hoof to grab at her glass. “Let me,” I said, propping her head up with my magic. “How are you feeling?”

“Great,” she said, voice raspy, as I brought the glass to her lips. “Just… awesome.”

I raised an eyebrow as she guzzled down the water. “Really? It doesn’t look awesome, you look completely exhausted.”

She smiled and brought her head back down on the pillow. “I know, awesome. You never went that crazy?”

“No, I did,” I said, smiling and sitting next to her on the bed. “And it was great, but I wasn’t there to check up on you, to make sure you were doing alright. This was our first time, and I was gone.” Sure, I meant to be gone for a bit, but not that long. I wanted to see her completely lose her mind.

She managed to do something with her shoulders that could have maybe been interpreted as a shrug. “Thought you wan’ed to be gone. We can do it again if you want, totally wouldn’t complain.”

I smiled and moved to cuddle her, drawing my little Scootaloo close and nestling my head in the crook of her neck. “Oh, we’re gonna do way more than this next time, this was… your warm up. A taste of all the fun things we can do. Next time is going to be a main dish.”

“Yeah…” Scootaloo said. “I’m totally…” She trailed off. “I like doing all this stuff with you, and I get why so many mares in Ponyville are…” She gestured a hoof at me. “But do you think we could wait until I start doing stuff to you? Just so I can get used to it?”

“Sure,” I said, nuzzling her cheek and swallowing something. I could wait I enjoyed it, anyways, being in control. I pressed the limp pegasus tighter against me. This was all the reward I needed. “Whatever you want, Scootaloo. But as soon as Mom finishes those dresses, you better believe you’re wearing them all the time.”

“Whatever,” she said, with a little laugh. “If playing into your weird dress fetish is what I have to do for this, that’s fine with me.”

“It’s not weird,” I said, rolling my eyes. “You don’t think a mare in a short skirt is cute?”

“I don’t think mares are cute,” she said, talking into her pillow.

“But you think I’m cute, right?” I asked, lifting my head up and looking down at her.

“I love you, Sweetie,” she said, eyes closed. “It doesn’t matter if I think you’re cute or not.” How could she give the wrong answer? It was, like, the easiest question in the world. When your marefriend asks if she’s cute, you say she’s cute!

“So you don’t think I’m cute,” I said, pulling away from her and rolling onto my left side. 

“It’s… Sweetie, I love you, and when you force me to get all mare-ish, yeah, it turns me on like crazy, but... when I imagine a mare in a short skirt, I just see a mare in a short skirt. I don’t get that same feeling you do.” Why did she have to be straight? This would be a whole lot easier if she liked me and mares. Instead, she just liked one, and I had to… work around the other.

“Apology accepted,” I said, rolling back over to her. “But next time, when I ask if I look cute, just say I look cute, okay?”

“Yeah… you’re cute,” she said, going limp against me now that I was back in my proper place. She flicked her tail and I shivered. “Obviously, you’ve got to be cute, you had mares tripping over themselves to get with you back in the Academy. You had a freaking herd. I think that’s… Yeah, you’re cute.”

Oh, for... Stupid straight mare. Why was the mare I loved also the only straight mare in Equestria? Seriously… I tried to think of another mare who wasn’t at least a little bi. Mrs. Cake? Grandma? I guess Scootaloo was kind of bi, since she was dating me, but it would be freaking nice if she wanted me even a tenth as much as I wanted her. If she could see me like I saw her. “Thanks,” I said, kissing her cheek. “We’ll get you there, one day, right?”

 She nodded. “More awesome nights like this, and definitely.” Yeah, more awesome nights where I’m not even in the room with her. Awesome. You know that’s not what she meant. I took a breath to calm myself. 

“No problem,” I said, smiling. She couldn’t see me, but I smiled anyways. “We’ll… Yep, I’ll plan out something even better next time. Pretty soon, you’ll be like… ‘Stallions? Why would anypony want to date a stallion? Sweetie’s the way for me.’”

Scootaloo laughed and rolled on her back to kiss at me. I ignored the way her body tensed as her lips met my softness. Progress. “The last part’s already true.” She yawned. “Anyways, I’m pretty exhausted. I’ll see you in the morning?”

“Sure,” I said, smiling a smile – not a false smile or a Joy smile, but a real smile – as her breathing slowed down and she drifted to sleep. “Can’t wait.”


♪♪♪


Hours later, Scootaloo was fast asleep, and I was staring at a dark ceiling as the grey crept back in and Joy faded into emptiness. “You know what you need to do,” Mom’s voice said from the darkness.

“Of course, she does,” Bright Lights said. “She knows there’s only one way for her to feel happy again and it’s in a bottle. You really shouldn’t have mixed your rum and pills, though, Sweetie. Just go straight Joy next time.”

I groaned and pushed myself off the bed, carefully disentangling myself from Scootaloo. She was right, I knew what I had to do. “Remember how good you felt this evening? Back before your mother ruined everything? It was fine, you were doing great. You felt good for once.”

“Yeah, I did,” I said, sliding the door to the inner sanctum shut and pulling the Joy bottle out of the secret back. The rum bottle too. “And then I felt awful.”

“Only because you need more Joy. Why deny yourself something that brings you happiness? Don’t you want to be happy?” 

“I do,” I said, trotting to the bathroom, my legs getting heavy. You don’t have to do this. “The withdrawal wasn’t what made me feel awful, though.”

“Oh, boo-hoo, you left your marefriend in a state of mind-blowing ecstasy for almost two hours, I’m sure she’ll forgive you. Oh wait, she already did. Why not give her some Joy? Start sneaking it to her until she needs it, then once she understands, you can do it together,” Bright Lights said. 

“Do I even need to say why that’s a phenomenally bad idea?” Mom asked from behind me. “Not to mention a massive betrayal of trust.”

“Now, you’re worried about betraying Scootaloo’s trust? Didn’t stop you when you snuck off to pop your happy pills,” Bright Lights said, I could see her just in front of me, backpedaling to keep me from overtaking her. “Liberate yourself, Sweetie, be that free independent mare I know still burns in your soul.”

“Funny how me being liberated looked a lot like me being your puppet,” I said, glaring at her and walking through her into the bathroom, flicking the light on as I went. “You know, I’m not dumb.” I unscrewed the cap. “Okay, I made a lot of mistakes, I’m still making mistakes, but I’m not going to make them twice. I’m not going to believe that story a second time.” I tilted the bottle and my old Joy came tumbling out into the water, with a series of tiny, barely-perceptible splashes. I stared down at them as they sank to the bottom of the toilet, tinging the water pink as they passed.

“I’m so proud of you, Sweetie,” Mom said, hugging me. “Not only that you did those, but that you chose to without prompting. Don’t let anypony diminish your accomplishment.”

“Even though I messed up? I fell back to… I don’t need to tell you, you were there,” I said. So weird, feeling a hallucination hug you. It wasn’t like the real Mom, it was just this imagined warmth. Like, I knew what hugging her felt like, so I felt a phantom of reality.”

“Perhaps, you did,” Mom said. There wasn’t even a whisper of Bright Lights in the air. “But in the end, you chose a better tomorrow. That’s what matters in the end.”

“Thanks,” I said, smiling and grabbing the rum bottle with my magic, the phrase ‘a better tomorrow’ echoing in my ears. I tilted the bottle downwards, a few more degrees and the half-full bottle would slosh out into the tinged-pink water. A few more degrees. I stopped.

Did I really need to do this? I only had a couple of drinks tonight, and if it wasn’t for the Joy, I probably would’ve been fine. The Joy was the problem. Everypony drank. My mom drank. Twilight drank. Luna drank. Scootaloo drank. The bottle’s opening tilted up. Why couldn’t I drink?

“Sweetie,” Mom said, standing next to me.

“Look, I’m not saying I should drink now,” I said, looking at her and setting the bottle down on the counter. “But… maybe later, it won’t kill me. Everypony else does it, so why can’t I?”

“You know very well why you shouldn’t,” Mom said, narrowing her eyes at me. “You tried make justifications with yourself earlier this evening, and we saw how that turned out.”

“Okay…” I said, pausing and closing my eyes. “But this is different. Everypony drinks, and maybe I shouldn’t drink right now, but one day, I can get there, right?” I grabbed the bottle and turned to the door. “Once I’ve gotten my better tomorrow, what’s the harm in having a drink?”

I didn’t have to look back to see her frown. She didn’t have to tell me the answer. I didn’t have to listen. 

> 10. Dirty Laundry
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        I fidgeted on my back, trying to get comfortable while the music played. “Once I lived the life of a millionaire…” I blinked. I’d heard this song before, I’d heard… my stomach lurched into the bed as the world bent in on itself.

        “Spent all my money, and just didn’t care.” I stared at the singer through the the smoky room, something tingeing inside me. Anger? Sadness? Something? Something buzzed in my ear. Laughter. I laughed too. Quick and automatic.

        “That’s great,” I said, moving my leaden head to look at who I thought was talking. “Just…”

Took all my friends out for a good time.

        My head moved back to track the singer. Her voice was so ugly and deep and raspy, and it hurt to listen to. Made me think of… It wasn’t happy music. Why would anypony want to listen to this? “Why am I here?” I asked, looking around the table of… who were they? Actors! They were in the play with me. One of them laughed as I felt a jab in my side, beneath the table. I looked. Bright Lights was glaring at me. Oh! It was her birthday. She’d wanted to go out to a blues bar. I didn’t want to, but she’d forced me. I smiled at everypony.

        “Sorry, just being silly,” I said before dropping my head and staring at the table top, my head buzzing from whatever new pills Bright Lights had me on. Whatever it was, she hadn’t gotten the mix perfect yet.

Then I began to fall so low.
Lost all my good friends, didn’t have nowhere to go.

        Something warm and wet was running down my cheek. What was it? “Sweetie? Are you alright?” one of the voices asked. “You’re crying.”

        I laughed again. Ha. Ha. Ha. “No, I’m not,” I said, smiling. “Just…” I moved to scoot out of our booth. “I need to stretch my hooves for a minute.”

        “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Another voice? – Bright Lights! – asked.  “You know how I feel about you going out alone.” 

        “It won’t be far,” I said, getting on my hooves and trotting away. “Just need some air. Too smoky in here.”

        She sighed, getting further away. “Fine, but if you’re not back in a few minutes, I’m going looking for you.”

        “Alright,” I said as a waitress passed by, carrying a tray of drinks. I reached out and grabbed a nice-looking martini with my magic and downed it in a second.

        “Hey!” the waitress said. “That wasn’t for you.”

        “It’s fine,” I said, moving further away from the noise and the heat. “Just put it on my tab.” Door just a few hooves away. I dropped the glass and opened the door, a gust of cold and snow buffeting me.

        “That’s not the–” The door closed, cutting her off as I staggered up snowy stairs, and a shiver ran down my spine. Was it cold? It must’ve been; it was snowing. I didn’t feel cold, though.

        You don’t feel anything.

        I laughed at that. Why was it funny? Why was anything funny? It was all just… nothing at the end of the day, right?  Something’s funny or sad or painful, but it doesn’t really exist, it’s just empty inside. A smile or a frown for pretending. 

        How does everypony else pretend so well? I trod through the snow, thinking. It used to be easy to pretend, didn’t it? When we were younger, we could laugh and wear the happy mask so well, even we believed it. But was it real? Bright Lights made me happy too, didn’t she? Or at least, she made me believe I was happy. Joy. Yes, that! It wasn’t real happiness, just chemicals messing with your brain, twisting me into believing I was happy. But it felt like something, and this didn’t feel like anything. 

        But it wasn’t real. Why was I feeling like this? Why did I care? Bright Lights is testing a new mixture. Kinks must not’ve been worked out yet. She was trying to get me so I could work better in public, act like a normal pony. Cheery, but not excessively happy. I felt a twinge of something that almost felt like laughter, if laughter was a slick snake pumping poison into a wound. She had to pump me full of pills to make me feel normal, and she still couldn’t make it work. 

        I kept trodding, looking for hoofprints in the snow. Straining to see past the snow getting caught in my eyelids. Storm had picked up worse than we thought. Ocean air blows in from the northeast, fueling a planned pegasi snow shower. It happened occasionally. Next few days would probably be warmer than average to burn some of the snow off, but I hoped not. I liked the cold and the snow. Seeing Manehattan snowed in… Seeing this metropolis that was supposed to be filled with ponies and activity completely devoid of life, that was – I struggled to think of the word – nice. In fact… I cleared some snow off on a bench and sat down, thankful it was wood, not metal and looked around. In the dark, through the sheets of white, I could see burning points of yellow above me, each of them containing ponies huddling closer together, enjoying their little bubbles of warm and light. And then there’s Sweetie, out in the dark and cold.

        That’s okay, though. The dark and cold is underrated. There’s beauty there, too. In the emptiness and the unmarred snow, there’s a promise there, like a fresh coat of paint, covering up all the ugliness beneath it, begging you to paint something better on top of it. I imagined myself sitting here from the outside. Snow covering my mane, coat blending in with the snow, leaving just two green eyes. If I stayed out here long enough, it’d cover me up with everything else. I closed my eyes. Wait long enough out here, and the snow will bury you with all the other ugliness, let somepony paint something better on top. 

        You’re freezing. No, I wasn’t. I was finally feeling warm as I sank deeper into the snow. So warm I wanted to take off my– I giggled. Oh, right, I’d forgotten my coat at the bar. Instead, I was just sitting here in the cold with no protection, waiting for the snow to bury me. 

        If you stay out here, it’s going to end. That wasn’t bad, though. It wasn’t real, anyways. I wasn’t real, anyways. Just a collection of chemicals Bright Lights manipulated. Maybe none of it was ever real, just a mask I wore to keep ponies from seeing all the emptiness. Let the mask fall off, the tiny barrier that keeps my emptiness and the world’s emptiness apart, and just dissolve. The warmth spread through me. The snow and I started to melt into each other. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? I smiled. It felt real. And finally, I dissolved.

        My eyes snapped open, a shiver of terror running up my spine. I bolted up in bed, looking around at the world wild-eyed. My room. Not the penthouse room, but… the suite room. Mom. I was with Mom and Scootaloo. Well, Mom was in the next room, but close enough. I hugged myself, feeling my own warmth. It wasn’t enough.

And as for friends, you don’t have any.

        Scootaloo stood in front of me, wearing her newest skirt, a pretty short thing that barely covered her flanks but framed her wonderfully when you saw her from behind. I smiled. She wasn’t even wearing the top to go with it, and she was busy– “Stop, please,” I said.

        She stopped the second the word left my lip, and the second after that, my forelegs were around her, and I ignored the traditional tensing that happened whenever we touched. “Hey, what’s wrong?” she said, her voice a little breathier than usual. I pressed tight against her, savoring her heat, but for completely different reasons than normal. 

        “I… I’m just… cold.” She didn’t want to hear about this. She wants you to tell her everything. She also wants me to be all dommy and stallioney, and that probably doesn’t include telling her about… I trailed off, trying to shake the memory away. Was it real or just another dream? It felt like it happened, but that whole time was kind of fuzzy. “Add this to the list of songs I like, please.” I floated the pen into her mouth and gestured to the sheet of paper on the floor. “And take the time to make it legible, please, otherwise, I’ll have you do it all over again.”

        She lowered herself down to the ground, and I tsked. “Posture, Scootaloo. You know how important proper form is for penmanship.” She bent down gingerly, lowering her forelegs to the ground, while keeping her back legs stiff, sticking her plot and dock up in the air, skirt sliding down, and it felt like some molten metal was puddling inside me. Well, that got rid of the cold feeling, at least. I smirked and sat down, enjoying the view as she laboriously wrote the song name out, careful to get every last letter perfect for fear of redoing the whole list. My wastebin threatened to overflow with wadded-up pieces of paper.

        A minute later, she stopped and passed the sheet to me with one hoof, careful to keep her pose. She knew not to get up until I said so. “Are you sure something’s not bugging you?” she asked. “Because if it is, we can totally Rainbow Dash or Carousel Boutique and talk it out.”

        I shook my head and smiled, looking over her penmanship as a thrill went down my spine. This was definitely good enough. I could be happy like this, being her… whatever she wanted me to be. If I needed somepony to talk with about bad dreams – I glanced out the window to the night sky – I could think of somepony better. “I know, Scootaloo, but I’m fine,” I said, lighting up my horn and changing to another album. It felt… almost good to be getting back into music. I still couldn’t sing, but listening was nice, and every now and then, I caught myself humming to a song. Of course, the second I did, I stopped.

        “You just need to decouple those memories of Bright Lights from your love of singing,” Doctor Hooves said in my head. I looked up in time to see him walk through the door – and Scootaloo, who was still staring at me. I waved a hoof at her to go back to her work.

        “I know,” I mumbled to him, moving back to the bed. “But it’s a lot harder to do than say.” Scootaloo heard me – she usually did when I started mumbling to myself, but unless it was really bad, she didn’t Rainbow Dash anymore. I guess she thought it was better if I worked it out myself. At least I didn’t have to get into another talk with her about the same stupid stuff. Although, if she tried to talk to me without Rainbow Dashing first, I got to punish her and think up some more humiliating stuff for her to do. My lips twitched up at that. You really shouldn’t enjoy this so much.

        Maybe not, but… I thought for a second. Right, I had to take my nightly pills before I went to sleep. To keep the hallucinations kind of in check and generally not be a complete mess of a pony. Just mostly a mess. I floated the bottles and the glass of water from my nightstand and downed them all, except for the Deep Sleep, or whatever its actual name was. 

        Finished, I returned the bottles to their place and moved back to staring up at the ceiling, letting the music flood over me. What else was there to do? Oh, right. “You were good today. If you want to be cuddled, you should get to bed now.” Half a second later, something warm and furry was sliding into my arms and wiggling up against me. I smiled as the music took me away.

”I’m your only friend, I’m not your only friend…”


♪♪♪


        I was shivering, swaddled in my blankets as the first beams of sunlight warmed my little cocoon, and memories of the night before came back to me. Ugh, what had– “You’re up,” Bright Lights said. I tilted my head and saw her curled up on the other half of the couch. “I was worried.”

        “You… why didn’t you take me to a hospital?” I asked, body shivering and my throat parched. 

        She sighed and and got to her hooves, trotting to my armoire. “Because, Sweetie, if you go to the hospital, they’ll do bloodwork, learn about your… nastier habits, and then, soon enough, all of Equestria will. I didn’t want to see your reputation and career destroyed.” Liar. I blinked. No, this wasn’t right, it was… 

        “Thanks,” I said, lolling my head back onto the armrest. Of course, she knew what she was doing. That’s what she was there for.

        “Your lucky I came out to check on you,” she said, glaring at me. “Do you know how stupid it was to go out there without a coat? And if my friends knew what really happened... I had to tell them you were feeling under the weather, but how can you be so stupid? You can’t let me have one evening without making it about yourself, can you?”

        “Sorry,” I said, closing my eyes. “I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t feeling right.” I thought back to the night before. “I think it’s the new treatment.”

        “And speaking of treatments,” she said, trotting into our room, coming out a minute later with my bottles of feeling. “You don’t have anything to do today, and you should spend some time recovering, so how does a lot of Zen with some Joy mixed in sound?”

        I nodded. “Yes, please.” In an hour, I’d be floating on a cloud and wouldn’t care about the freezing in my bones. I giggled. I wouldn’t care about anything but smiling.

        She brought the pill to my lips and stopped. “Thank me first. Tell me how much better I am than you deserve.”

        “Of course, you are,” I said, nodding my head. I needed the pills and it was true, she just wanted the truth. “I was so stupid and selfish last night, and ruined your birthday party, but you’re still here to take care of me and make me happy.”

        “And you’d do anything for me?”

        I nodded. “Yeah, of course, you do so much for me, you’ve given me everything,”

        “Good,” she said, pushing the pills down my throat with her magic. “Then, since we have time before your treatment kicks in, why don’t we go to our room?”

        “Can it wait?” I asked, another shiver running down me as I felt a warmth move down into my stomach. It wouldn’t be long until it started spreading all through me. “I’m still…” I sneezed.

        “And what did you just say?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. 

        “That… that I’d do anything for you,” I said, sighing and throwing my blanket off me. 

        She nodded at me, slowly. “That’s right, you did, and you wouldn’t lie to me, would you?”

        “No,” I said, trudging to my hooves. She beamed a sick smile. “You’re right, I’m just still feeling sick.”

        “Don’t be so glum, Sweetie. I promise you’ll enjoy what I have planned,” Bright Lights said moving to the door.

        “And I think that’s quite enough of that,” a familiar voice said. I looked to the window to see Princess Luna trotting through like it wasn’t there. “I apologize for letting this nightmare go on so long, Sweetie, but I was interested in seeing if you would wake yourself from the dream’s logic.”

        My mind twisted as years’ worth of memories were shoved into my skull. “Sorry,” I said, “I guess I’m still struggling with that. On the bright side, I know why I didn’t die, now.” I glanced at Bright Lights, frozen in place. “You know, I’m kind of surprised she didn’t just let me freeze to death.”

        Luna raised an eyebrow. “Why are you speaking of freezing to death? I fear I missed something.”

        “Oh, right, I had another one of my waking nightmare things, where I wandered off into a blizzard without a coat and… just decided to sit and stare at the snow coming down. Then, apparently, she saved my life.”

        “I see,” Luna said, tapping a hoof. “And you didn’t remember this in your waking life?”

        “That…” I paused. I probably should remember almost freezing to death without having to have a flashback, right? Then again, most ponies didn’t have several years’ worth of memories buried under heavy drug use, so… “I don’t know, it felt real.”

        “Most dreams do,” Luna said, waving a hoof and sending us back to her dream hub. “And I’m sure there’s more than a grain of truth to them, but dreams are more a reflection of the self than of reality. It would be ill-advised to take them as gospel.”

        “Okay,” I said, moving to sit next to her. “So you’re saying I can’t know if I almost died or not because of memory stuff?” Well, I already knew I almost died. I saw the cracks in the penthouse window. I just didn’t know how many times I almost died.

        “Not unless you want to speak with witnesses of more sober mind,” Luna said, nodding as gems swirled around us and conjured a frozen Bright Lights into being. “And considering who that would be, I’d put less faith in her words than your dreams.”

        A little laugh played in my throat. “Also, I think Mom would actually kill me if I saw her again.”

        “No,” Luna said, shaking her head. “I don’t think she’d kill you.” And that definitely wasn’t the word I wanted to hear emphasized. Not that I liked Bright Lights, but Mom murdering somepony would be…

        “Wait, so since my Mom’s kind of actually royalty, could she be punished for killing somepony?” I asked.

        “As a princess-consort, yes. Now, if she were to ascend to alicorndom, or was matrilineally descended from Princess Platinum...”

        “Oh, so she didn’t tell you, then?” I asked, tilting my head. “Weird. I get why she’s not telling the papers yet, but I thought for sure that you and Celestia would know.”

        “Tell me what?” Luna asked, looking at me, mane blowing behind her head. Huh, could I get my mane to look like that in the Dreaming? More importantly, would it look good?

        “Oh, apparently she and Twilight did some researching or something, and found out she’s–” I was cut off as an alarm went off from somewhere.

        “I’m afraid I must ask  you to hold that thought, Sweetie,” Luna said, holding up a hoof and bringing up a map table divided into little squares of competing realities. She looked at something dark on the edges of it. “Night Terrors. Sweetie, I must depart. It’s absolutely vital that you stay here and keep an eye on things in my absence.” She nodded at me. “I trust you to be responsible while I’m gone.”

        “Oh, yeah, I can totally do that,” I said, looking at the vast swarm of gems I’d be looking at. “So… what if somepony has a nightmare?” 

        “Deal with it. Do your best to soothe them, but don’t enter their dream. You remember what I said about the right word, I trust?” she said, summoning silver armor and sword. “I should be back before morning; the incursion is a small one, at least.”

        “Wait,” I asked, taking a step towards her as magic cackled in the air. “What exactly are Night–” And just like that, she was gone. I sat down in the center of the hub and looked around. The talk with her didn’t go exactly like I’d expected. On the other hoof… I looked to the cluster of gems that represented Hoofington and started looking into its citizens’ dreams.


♪♪♪


        Doing things the slow way wasn’t working. At least, it wasn’t working fast enough. Luna’d be back before I found him at this rate. Still, I didn’t want to get in trouble with her for invading other ponies’ dreams. I rolled my head, thinking. I could probably put a word in their dream, though. An innocuous, meaningless word for basically everypony but him. I selected the few stallions in town who were probably around his age, drew them all close to me and whispered one word. “Rarity.” The dream in one gem shifted, a younger version of Mom appeared, and the dreamer seemed to shrink down to nothing. I smiled and looked at the dream gem. A purple heart. Perfect. 

        I looked at the stallion, took in his lavender coat, the purple mane, and the pink heart on his flanks. The gems floated back to their place and I laughed, keeping my eyes on the purple heart and the stallion inside. “Hello, dad.”

        Now to figure out his name, do my research. I didn’t want to just confront him, and I definitely didn’t want to ask around in Hoofington. Maybe spying on him through his dreams and the dreams of others wasn’t the best use of my powers, but it’d get results. And it wasn’t like I was tampering with ponies’ dreams. Luna said it was fine for me to watch.

        In his dream, my mom stormed towards him, but then she wasn’t storming towards him, she was storming towards another mare. They were yelling about something, it looked like the other mare was defending him? Keeping my mom away from him. Then, there were two fillies running behind him. One a few years younger than me, maybe the age I was when I left the Academy, and the other still basically a foal. 

        “Oh, are you freaking kidding me?!” I asked the air, sending the gem out of sight. “He’s married? And happy? And has kids?!” I stormed around, looking for where I’d put his dream gem and grabbing it tight with my magic. I could break it. I wasn’t sure what would happen, but it probably wouldn’t be good. Then again, if Luna found out… I didn’t know what she’d do to me, but it probably wouldn’t be good.

        So, apparently your father doesn’t have a problem raising children, he just didn’t want to raise you. Can you really blame him, though? Great! Thanks voice in my head. I flicked his gem as far away as I could before finding the fillies in his dream. The youngest one was easy enough – no cutie mark, but her dreams were bright and shiny and loud. Easy enough to find, especially since her father was in them, and… oh great, he was in her bedroom, reading a story to her, and then… well, then it got all weird and dreamy as a monster spilled out from under her bed and he started attacking it. It wasn’t even a contest, he just lit up his horn, a beam of light came out of the sky, and the monster exploded. So even better, he was apparently a great dad, who probably doted on his daughters, and was just the absolute world to them. As soon as I could get away, I was going to Hoofington. I knew what he looked like, I’d track him down, and I’d get some answers. Until then… I took a breath and sent his daughter’s gem back to its normal place. Until then, I’d do my best to get better.


♪♪♪


        Sunbeams warmed my coat as my eyes flickered open and saw a shock of purple mane. Right, Scootaloo. I yawned and stretched, untangling myself from my marefriend. She’d probably be out for a few more hours; she liked sleeping late and she’d been going to bed exhausted the last few days. Sometimes, I slept later, but that was when my dream training was really tough. I grinned as my hooves touched the floor and I trotted to the door, turning off the record player that’d been silently spinning all night long as I went. Yes, I’d been good about keeping her tired, and that was kind of an accomplishment. Like, she definitely had more stamina than me, but she wasn’t the Queen of Kink, so…

        I slipped through the door, closing it after me and careful not to make a sound. She deserved her sleep, and it gave me time to think up something fun for her to do today. I trotted into the main room and nodded at Mom, who was holding her cup of coffee close. “How’d you sleep?” I asked, trotting to the coffee pot before stopping, tracking back to the fridge and pulling out the cream. I gave the bottle an experimental shake. Almost out.

        “I didn’t,” she said, glancing at her open bedroom door. “Twilight, you silly mare, please come out here. Your research won’t go anywhere.”

        “But it’s important!” she yelled back. A second later, her head popped out the door. “Sorry, didn’t mean to yell, it’s too early for yelling, isn’t it?”

        Mom nodded. “Not until after I’ve had a cup of coffee or two, dear,” she said, while I poured the rest of the cream into my empty mug. Put the cream in first, then when you poured the coffee in, you didn’t have to mix it. I looked back and saw Mom patting the sofa next to her. “Now, sit.”

        “So, what’re you researching?” I asked, pouring the coffee before returning the pot to its place. “Some new thing that’ll revolutionize magic?”

        “Uhmm… no,” she said, blushing as she sat next to Mom. “I’m… why do we use a base-ten numbering system?”

        Mom sighed and took another sip of coffee while I moved to my favorite overstuffed chair. It was one of the few things from the old apartment I couldn’t live without. Well, I wanted some of the artwork here, too, but Mom didn’t want such ‘indecency’ on display for any guest who walked in. That could be for when I got my own place. Or moved in with Scootaloo. “While that’s a very interesting question, Twilight, I don’t think it merits you waking me up in the middle of the night with a litany of questions about our numbering system and the Equestrian calendar,” Mom said.

        I raised an eyebrow. “I think I’m a little lost.”

        “Of course you are, Sweetie,” Bright Lights said, trotting up from behind me. “Your head wasn’t made for thinking, it was for looking pretty.” I rolled my eyes at that and ignored her away. Way too early to be dealing with her. You know, you don’t have to deal with her at all. She’s just another voice in your head you can ignore. Yeah, I guess that was true, so… why didn’t I will her away all the time?

        Because you know you deserve it.

        I shuddered and stared into my coffee’s clouds. “Do you understand, Sweetie?” Twilight asked. Great, she’d been talking and I’d completely spaced out into Sweetie-land: The Unhappiest Place on Earth.

        “Sorry, could you repeat that?” I asked, frowning and taking a little sip of coffee. Not as sweet as I usually made it, but… not bad. Maybe I could use a little less sweetener in the future. The bitter mixed with sweet tasted, I don’t know, maybe better than just sweet?

        “Sure,” Twilight said. looking between me and Mom. 

        “Is she alright?” her look asked. Mom gave a tiny nod in response.

        “Right, well, like I was saying, the calendar system revolves around the number four. Each year is divided into four seasons, further divided into twelve weeks. Each week is made of seven days, but that’s really a holdover from ancient pantheistic traditions where each day was named in honor of a deity.” She shook her head. “Right, but each day is twenty-four hours with each hour divided into sixty minutes. All of the numbers, except for weeks, are divisible by four.”

        “Wait, so why are there seven days?” I asked, tilting my head. “I get that they’re named after deities or whatever, but… why did we decide to divide them up in seven?”

        Twilight’s eyes went wide. “I don’t know,” she said. “You’re right, though, why seven?” She laughed. “There’s no reason to think there were only seven gods in the ancient Horse pantheon; in fact, I’m sure there were more, so… why seven? Another mystery. But first, why ten?”

        “Why ten what?” I asked, taking another sip of coffee and feeling it warm my mouth and chest. 

        “Why a base-ten numbering system? It doesn’t make sense. Twelve would be a much better choice, and there’s nothing in pony society that predisposes us to liking ten. What is it? Two groups of five. Okay, fine, but we have four legs. Why use five? Or ten? Two I can understand,, but half of all numbers are divisible by two. Twelve is neatly divisible by two, three, and four.” She tilted her head and ‘hmmed’ while Mom looked at me.

        “Now just imagine her going on like this for hours and you’ll have a picture of my night, Sweetie,” Mom said. 

        “Sorry,” Twilight said, dropping her head. “I tried to be quiet, and I cast a low-light reading spell. Why won’t you just let me cast a sleeping spell on you?”

        “Because I detest the mere thought of losing control of myself. I will not allow myself to be stripped of agency, no matter how good your intentions are.” Mom glanced at me. She didn’t say anything else. Nothing else would have helped, really. 

        “Come on,” Twilight said, “It’s not like it’s some crazy magic, there are plenty of pills out there that recreate the magical effect of a sleep spell. Sweetie’s–” She caught up to where Mom was. “Oh, sorry, Sweetie. It’s…”

        “Fine,” I said, waving a hoof and setting my coffee down on its table. “I get it, I lost control, I let myself get stripped of my agency or whatever. It was a bad dumb stupid thing. It’s not like you’re going to upset me by reminding me of all the stupid stuff I did.” I looked at my coffee and suddenly wished it was a little stronger. Seriously, what would I give for one night where I could just get completely plastered?

        I shook my head. We weren’t doing that yet, we had to convince Mom we were better. Good luck with that. Yeah, thanks, voice in my head. I closed my eyes and went through the plan I’d dreamed up the night before. “Hey, Mom, I think I’m ready to start doing interviews and stuff. Uhmm… you know, it’s been a few days since I had a really bad episode, Luna’s exercises have been helping out a lot, and I… I just want to get back to singing.”

        “So you can sing again?” Mom asked, raising an eyebrow.

        “Well… no, but I’m getting there, I found songs I like, and I occasionally catch myself humming from time to time, so… I think I’m making progress.” Sing for me, Sweetie. I shuddered. Slowly. Slowly making progress. 

        “Hmm, well, if you’re sure, I can start arranging some one-on-one interviews.” She paused. “Are you sure you still want to speak with Write Thinking?”

        “Yeah,” I said, nodding my head. “It’s like, if I can get her to like me, then she’ll stop attacking me, and a lot of the angry voices in the newspaper will disappear. That makes sense, right?”

        “It seems reasonable to me,” Twilight said. “Take your worst enemy and turn them into a friend. It’s always worked out for us.”

        Mom shook her head. “I don’t think Write Thinking is Sweetie’s worst enemy,” she said, leaning against Twilight and letting out a yawn. “Oh, excuse me, Sweetie, for some reason, I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

        “Sorry,” Twilight said.

        “It’s alright, dearest, I’m not mad at you. I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to marry you; I’m just tired, and I feel like tweaking your muzzle oh-so-slightly.” There was another yawn, and Mom took a sip of coffee. “I think I’ll have to brew another pot soon. Anyways, Sweetie, my concern is that Write Thinking has already made up her mind about you.”

        “But she doesn’t even know me,” I said, shaking my head and frowning. “How can you judge somepony you don’t even know?”

        “Quite easily,” Mom said. “But if your mind is made up, I’ll do what I can, although I think it wise to interview with some other ponies as well. As a contingency plan, of course.”

        “Sure,” I said, shrugging. She didn’t trust me, she thought I was making a big dumb mistake like all my other big dumb mistakes. To be fair, you do have quite a few of those. Yeah, okay, sure, I’d screwed up… basically everything I’d ever done, but this was a good idea. Even Twilight agreed with me, and she was probably the smartest pony in the city. She also trapped you in a time loop. Well, nopony’s perfect. Anyways, who cared if Mom didn’t completely agree with me? She was still helping me out; she just had a backup plan as well.

        “Now, that just leaves the question of our announcement,” Mom said. “The engagement should draw ponies’ focus away from Sweetie, but at the same time, I worry the truth about her ancestry might just make things worse.”

        “What, you mean that you’re my Mom?” I asked, tilting my head. “I don’t care if they attack me for that. You’re, like, the best mom ever, and nothing they say will change that.”

        Mom smiled. “While that’s refreshing to hear, Sweetie, I was speaking more of our shared descent from Princess Platinum. If Write Thinking doesn’t like you now, it will be so much worse when you become nobility.”

        “Got it,” I said. “So we need to make her like me before you reveal you’re a princess, right?”

        She sighed. “If it can be done at all, that would be ideal. I won’t be holding my breath, though. The war of public opinion shan’t be won through a bloodless coup, I think, but instead through a brutal battle of attrition.” I looked at her, blinking. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. I’ve been reading some of Twilight’s books on military history. They are delightful for those nights I can’t sleep for some reason or another.”

        “Right,” I said, shaking my head and licking my lips. After the coffee, a glass of water. Oh, and I should probably take my medicine at some point. Water and pills, then. “So… you’ll set up the interview?”

        “Yes, I’ll set up the interview,” Mom said, sighing. “And then Twilight and I will go public with our announcements. Then, we’ll move on to the next round of damage control, and hopefully get you singing again.”

        “Wow,” I said, frowning and fighting an unhappy laugh. “When you put it like that, it sounds like the easiest thing in the world.” I sighed and sunk down into my chair. “Do you think I’ll ever fix my life back to…” Like it was before? Never. “Something else? Better? Where I don’t have to worry about the news and can just sing?”

        Mom just smiled before taking another sip of her coffee. “Of course, Sweetie. It won’t happen quickly, I fear, but we’ll get there. You know I’ll be there for you every step of the way.”

        “I know,” I said, smiling for a half second before resting my head on the chair’s armrest. “So… how are we going to do the whole interview thing? Like, I kind of don’t want the news people to know I’m here.”

        “Well, Sweetie,” Mom said, glancing from me to the window. “I might have a plan for that.”


♪♪♪


        I sat back in my old apartment, while Mom and Scootaloo moved my artwork into the bedroom. If I was going to say I repented and was doing better, all those paintings and sculptures probably wouldn’t help out. At least, that’s how Mom put it, and that kind of made sense. Better to just smile and look wholesome.

        “Sweetie, are you sure you don’t want me here for the interview?” Mom asked, trotting back into the living room and pulling my eyes away from the now empty walls.

        “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I said, nodding my head and not looking at the windows. “I’ve got Scootaloo with me, and I kind of want to do this on my own.”

        “Plus, I’ll be with her the whole time,” Scootaloo said, lugging a statue to my room. I lit my horn up to hold some of the weight for her. “Thanks, Sweetie.”

        “Anytime,” I said, smiling at her before going back to look at Mom. “And you trust Scootaloo with me, right? You know, after everything she’s done for me, how could you not trust her?”

        Mom frowned and gave me a half-second glare. “It’s not that I don’t trust her, of course, it’s just… well, you can be remarkably adept at convincing ponies to see things from your point of view when you set your mind to it.” Translation: You’re good at manipulating ponies. No, you’re great at manipulating ponies. “And I’m just worried you might convince her to act against your own best interests.” And she didn’t trust me alone with Scootaloo. Can you blame her? Look at what you did to Melody and Tiara.

        “But Scootaloo’s… She’s Scootaloo. She’s not going to follow every stupid thing I say.” Actually, if I treated her right, she probably would. I’d gotten pretty good at finding her buttons and pressing them. And you’re proving your mom’s point.

        Well, that wasn’t what I meant, just that… You have Scootaloo wrapped around your hoof? No, no, she wouldn’t do everything I suggested. Like, if I told her to get me drugs, I definitely couldn’t convince her to do that. Really, my only power was convincing her to wear dresses for me. That wasn’t going to get me in trouble. Probably not. Unless it was a really fun skirt or dress. Like, maybe if I had her walk around Times Square wearing just her tennis skirt, yeah, that would probably lead to trouble, but it would be so fun.

        “You have a serious skirt problem, Sweetie,” Scootaloo said. I blinked and sent a pulse of magic from my horn, causing the Scootaloo in front of me to vanish. Just a hallucination, then. Great. 

        “Sweetie… Sweetie?” My ears perked up, and I turned my head to look at the voice to see Mom staring at me, concern writ large on her face. 

        “Sorry, I said, shaking my head. “Kind of spaced out. Did I miss anything important?”

        Mom sighed. “You know, Sweetie, you must work on being present in the moment. You ‘spacing out’ during an interview won’t help your case. I’ve been talking with some of the ponies from the papers, and you apparently developed quite the reputation for just staring off into nothing in the middle of your interviews.”

        “Okay, so I have to stay focused,” I said, nodding my head. “I can do that. I’m great at staying focused.” The voice in my head just laughed and I sighed. “Okay, maybe not, but I think I can stay in the moment for an entire interview without drifting off into Sweetieland.”

        “We can still call off this interview if you want. Wait another day and call in somepony who might be a bit more… sympathetic towards your plight, instead of Write Thinking,” Mom said, grabbing the last painting from the wall and floating it towards my bedroom.

        I took a breath and shook my head. “No, I can’t. I need to do this myself, I need to… If I can just get her to see past the story Bright Lights told her, I’m sure she’ll like me, and I can do this on my own.” I stopped and looked at the bedroom. “Or, on my own with Scootaloo.”

        Mom stopped and looked back at me, raising an eyebrow. “Look, I love you, alright, Mom,” I said. “I definitely do, I just… you’ve been with me since I woke up, and I kind of just want to do something without you. To prove I can. And you’ll still be there when I get back to the suite tonight.” She just looked at me, not even bothering to put the question about Scootaloo into words. “She’s just there for support.” Also, she wasn’t the one with the power in our relationship, but saying that probably wouldn’t go well with Mom. “Like, I’m not going to rely on her, I’ll just feel better knowing she’s next to me. Not that I feel bad around you, but… Can you just give me this?”

        “Of course, Sweetie,” Mom said, sighing and putting the painting down in my room. “Just… you know I worry about you.”

        I smiled and got to my hooves, trotting around to give her a hug. “I know, and thanks.” I paused and blushed. “Also… thanks for helping me hide all of those paintings. I... didn’t think it might be weird for my mom to see them until just now.”

        Mom laughed. I blinked. Where was Scootaloo? I’d talked to her hallucination, but the real mare… I looked around. “It’s utterly fine, Sweetie. I like to think I’m rather difficult to shock.” Especially after what she’d had to read. She smiled. “Besides, I’m happy to help you, no matter what you need.”

        “Yeah…” I said, looking back into the living room. No Scootaloo. “Well, thanks. So, what are you doing now?”

        “I imagine I’ll go see how Twilight’s doing, and perhaps enjoy our own romantic night on the town. Maybe start drafting our own reveal.” She rubbed under the base of her horn. “And hopefully that won’t backfire on us. ‘Oh yes, I’m marrying a princess. Also, I am a princess. Also, my sister who’s still the subject of a great big controversial scandal is actually my daughter. No, you may not know who her father is.’” She raised an eyebrow at me. “Do you think if we say it all at once like that, everypony will be too flummoxed to actually write anything. A sort of scandal overload?”

        “There are definitely worse ideas,” I said, trotting back to the couch and sitting on… I jumped up, looking behind me to see an orange mare that came from nowhere. “Scootaloo?” I looked back at Mom. “Hey, is…” I rubbed the back of my head. “Is she real?” I sent a pulse from my horn. Definitely real. Great, now I wasn’t seeing things that were there. Time for another trip to Dr. Matter to get different pills, I think.

        “Yep,” Scootaloo said, while Mom nodded. I sighed and sat down next to my marefriend.

        “You snuck up on me,” I said, frowning. No she didn’t. Don’t blame your madness on her. “I think I’m going to have you wear a bell from now on.” I smiled at the image of little bells jingling with every step she took, my mind wandered towards all the outfits she could wear that incorporated bells, and I slouched lower down towards– I sat up straight, cheeks flushed. Bad Sweetie, no thinking like that before an interview where you’re trying to prove what a not-crazy sex deviant you are. 

        “Oh, yes, I’m quite reformed,” I’d say, leaning in conspiratorially with Write Thinking. “No, I’m the very model of modern pony purity. Now, tell me, which of these outfits would look best on my marefriend when I’m humiliating her?” I laughed in the present, earning a look from Mom and Scootaloo. Also, why was I talking like Mom in that fantasy?

        “Sorry,” I said, flashing a smile to Mom and Scootaloo and fighting the urge to snuggle up against Scootaloo. She wouldn’t like it, it wasn’t… I sighed. She wouldn’t like it. I looked at Mom. “Anyways, I’ll see you in an hour or two?” 

        “Of course,” she said, trotting to the door. “Hopefully by then, Twilight and I will have a plan about just how we can break our news without any of it splashing back on you.”

        “Should I hold my breath?” I said to her. She stopped at the door and looked back, eyes seeing past the penthouse to something far away.

        “It might be hard for you to give an interview on just one breath.” She smiled, coming back to the moment. “And you asphyxiating on Miss Write Thinking won’t help anypony, I’m afraid.” Wow, she was really good at saying no and making it sound like a good thing. Maybe I should just have her do the interview. 

        “Oh, yes, run to your mother,” Bright Lights said, coming through Mom. “Do you remember when I was the mare you ran to? Who handled all the hard terrible things you didn’t want to do? What does it say that she’s filling that role now? A reflection of how you saw me? Or how you see her?” I definitely didn’t gag at that image, and even if I did, Scootaloo was nice enough not to ask what was up. Okay, so that’s another reason we have to do this on our own. I could do this, I didn’t need Bright Lights or Mom or anypony to fight my battles for me. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and waited.

        “So…” Scootaloo said from next to me. There was a pause and I heard the faint sounds of a hoof rubbing against mane. “If you want to destress to me or anything, you can. I know I can get a bit weird before a race.”

        “Race?” I asked, looking over at her and raising an eyebrow. “You haven’t told me about any races.”

        “Oh, yeah,” she said, nodding her head and laughing a little laugh that begged me to talk about anything else. If she was keeping secrets, she wasn’t going to get any mercy. “Did I not mention that?”

        “Nope,” I said, leaning over her, and backing her against the couch. “And you know what the rule is for keeping secrets from Mistress Sweetie.” I whispered the last words right into her ear and for good measure, nibbled at the tip.

“Wait, wait,” Scootaloo said, pushing a hoof up against me. “Rainbow Dash.  Mistress Sweetie? Really?”

“What?” I asked, pulling away slightly. “It has a nice ring to it. And… you know, you grovelling before me, that’s kind of humiliating, right? Especially if we got you wearing a schoolfilly skirt and some knee high socks and…” My eyes went wide. “Yes! We need socks for you.”

Scootaloo frowned, but I wasn’t about to hear it. “There’s no getting out of this, Scootaloo, I’ve decided,” I said. “We’re going to come up with tons of cute little embarrassing outfits for you, and your going to parade around them in our house, and–” I shook my head. “All this time, I’ve been thinking so small. There’s so much more to feminizing you then just dresses, we can use whole outfits. I could dress you up as a Prench maid and then have you clean around our house and dust things, and…” I moaned as visions filled my head. 

“You know, I’ll never get how you find all this weird stuff sexy,” Scootaloo said. I raised an eyebrow. “Okay, I get it that I’m weird for wanting you to make me feel all mare-ey, but what do you get out of seeing me wear clothes? Yeah, dressing up as a Prench maid would embarrass the heck out of me, but I’m starting to think you get more turned on by seeing me dressed up than seeing me naked.”

I nodded, sorting through all the outfits she’d be wearing soon. They’d be comfy, of course, except for the ones that weren’t supposed to be, and there were so many fantasies we could get into. Ooh! I could start dressing up too. If I was going to be the Queen of Kink, I might as well look the part. I blinked. Scootaloo just said something. Something about me liking clothed mares more than– “Oh, yeah, of course I do. Like, I see you naked all the time, it’s not special. But put some clothes on, let me imagine what’s underneath? That’s way better.”

She blinked and stared at me, frowning. “But… you know what’s under there, you just said so. Also, can we not talk about how weird it is that your mom’s a dressmaker and you have a weird clothing fetish?”

That was… My brain screamed as it tried to untwist those two statements. Yes, my mom was a dressmaker, and yes, I happened to like mares in dresses, but– “It’s not all clothes,” I said. “If you were to dress up as a firemare or a mailmare, that wouldn’t do anything, so I don’t think it’s exactly a clothing fetish. Just… imagining you wearing a maid outfit or whatever? That does something for me.”

Scootaloo sighed. “Fine, alright, but I’m not having your mom make your weird fetish outfits for us. If you want to get that stuff, you need to buy it at a store.”

I grinned, feeling like my lower jaw had cracked free of the rest of my face. “Deal.”

“Shit,” Scootaloo said, rubbing the back of her head. “Was kind of expecting you to not want to go to one of those stores, or not know where one was, or…” I raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. That was dumb.”

        “And you’re not going to back out of your deal, are you?” I asked, leaning closer against her. “Because you know what’s going to happen if you try to get out of it, right?”

        “Uhmm… not really,” Scootaloo said, swallowing. 

        I giggled and whispered in her ear. “Neither do I, but I’m sure it’ll be fun.” Before she could say anything else, my lips were pressed against hers, my hoof moved towards– Somepony knocked on the door. Of course, she had to come now. Right when I was about to… I sat up straight and glanced back at my reflection in the window. A few hairs out of place, face slightly flushed, but I was good enough. I took a couple of breaths to steady myself and calm my heart and trotted to the door, plastering a smile on my face.

        “I’m so glad you could make it,” I said, opening the door and looking at the mare on the other side. Definitely older than me. Her mane and coat were probably a sharp black and white contrast in her youth, but they’d both greyed with age. Considering her cutie mark was a rolled-up newspaper, if it wasn’t for her jade eyes, she’d be all monochromatic. 

        She gave me a tight-lipped smile and trotted past me into the living room. “So, this is the heart of Equestrian debauchery,” she said, looking around. “I was expecting it to look… different. Gaudier.” And we were off to a great start. Had I already done something wrong?

        “Uhmm… sorry?” I asked, tilting my head and looking to Scootaloo for support. “Can I get you something to drink?”

        “Is there a chance you have any non-alcoholic beverages?” she asked, looking at my kitchen. I kept my smile up.

        “Actually, since…” Since what? Since you ruined my life? Since Bright Lights aired all my dirty laundry? Since I almost died? “I’ve been working hard to change since all the stories broke, and I’m happy to say this penthouse is now liquor-free.” Well… mostly, but the exception was pretty well hidden.

        “Really?” Write Thinking asked, raising an eyebrow as I trotted into the kitchen to pour us three glasses of water. “So, once the scandal broke, you decided to clean up your image.”

        I leapt back into the conversation before Scootaloo could do something stupid, like rushing in to defend my honor. “You know, after Bright Lights left, I went to a dark place. I guess I hit rock bottom or whatever. Anyways, I had to do a lot of soul searching after that, and I really am trying to do better. No more drugs. No more drinking. No more orgies.”

        “So you admit Bright Lights’ accusations are true,” Write Thinking said as I trotted back into the living room. She glanced at Scootaloo. “And I was under the impression this interview was to be one-on-one.”

        I set our glasses of water down on the coffee table and took my seat next to Scootaloo, careful to give us some space apart – more distance than I’d like – and smiled at Write Thinking. “This is my friend Scootaloo, she’s been with me for every step of my recovery, and is here strictly for moral support. And… yeah, I don’t remember everything Bright Lights accused me of, but they were probably true. That’s not the point, though. The point is that I’m really trying to be better. That’s good, right?”

        She stared at me, pulling a notebook out of her saddlebags and jotting something down. “If what you’re saying isn’t just an act, if you’re rededicating yourself to the life of virtue and shunning vice, then yes, of course, it’s good. However, I’m smart enough to know that most ponies who do this song and dance act are doing just that: acting.”

        “So what, you’re not even going to give her a chance?” Scootaloo yelled. “‘Cause she messed up once, you’re not going to forgive her?”

        “Scootaloo, please, I can handle this myself,” I said, turning and smiling at my marefriend. She just looked at me confused. 

        “Uhh… I didn’t say anything, Sweetie,” she said. “I want to, but I’m also not going to break your rules.” I winced as Write Thinking scribbled. 

        “Rules?” Write Thinking asked. “What rules does she have?” Even better. I took a deep breath. This was fine. Everything was fine.

        “It’s nothing,” I said, smiling and giving Scootaloo a look that promised a night of punishment if she said another word, and a different night of punishment if she didn’t. “Just… I wanted to do this interview by myself. I know back before… you know, I was kind of infamous for letting Bright Lights answer most of my questions.”

        “I see,” Write Thinking said, giving a nod. “Now, let’s talk about Bright Lights, shall we. You admit her accusations are true? That she served as your assistant for three years, and during that time, was forced to keep you supplied with a vast assortment of drugs and plan parties that featured all manner of depravity for your own amusement.”

        “That…” I bit my lower lip. “Up until I’d met her, I’d never used drugs. I didn’t even know Joy existed. She was the one who let me know about it.”

        “Yes, I heard that story from her,” Write Thinking said. “And then you told her to buy some for you. Forced her to, even though she explained at length about how she’s opposed to such things. Is that true?”

        “No!” I shouted. “That’s… I didn’t force her to do anything, she offered, and… is she really saying she doesn’t do drugs now?”

        “So you saw her take drugs then?” Write Thinking asked then. “When and how much? Were there any witnesses that can corroborate your story? Or are they just the excuses of a broken mare pathetically trying to justify her failure?”

        That… A spike of pain went through my horn and I gritted my teeth. “No, I never saw her do anything, but if she was so freaking opposed to it, then why did she go out of her way to keep me out of my head for three years? I can’t even remember most of those days, and the ones I do, I don’t want to. If she thought it was wrong, why did she tell me all about how happy they could make me? And aren’t you supposed to be impartial?”

        “Because she loved you, Sweetie Belle,” Write Thinking said. I narrowed my eyes and focused on the way her lips moved. Something was wrong, but I couldn’t quite– “She was willing to do anything to keep you happy, and you abused that love for your own hedonistic fulfillment. Because that’s what you are: a mare incapable of feeling for anypony but herself.”

        “No, I’m not!” I shouted. “And how dare you! I’m trying to…” The world doubled, with two Write Thinkings sitting next to each other. “I’m trying to show you how much I changed, and you’re sitting there accusing me of being broken.”

        “Sweetie, what are you–” Scootaloo said, but Write Thinking talked through her, as the light faded through the room. 

        “I am impartial, but this isn’t a matter of opinion. Your brokenness, your selfishness, your failure... They aren’t debatable; they’re facts, and everypony’s going to know what a miserable broken mare you are,” Write Thinking said, looking like she was concerned as she shouted terrible things. 

        Sweetie, remember your condition. Take a breath. Calm down. You know what happens when you get upset. Oh, right. Yeah, that. I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths, pinging the outside world with my magic and sensing the thin web of Dreaming I’d wrapped around myself. Another pulse of magic burned it away and I opened my eyes. “Sorry,” I said, trying to get the smile to fit back on my face. “What did I miss?”

        “I was hoping you could tell me that, Miss Belle,” Write Thinking said. I looked away from her to my own hooves. Yeah, that… of course, she’d want the truth.

        One more breath. This couldn’t be that hard. Maybe not say all the Luna stuff, because who knows if Dreamwalking is supposed to be a state secret, but the rest of it? “I have brain damage,” I said after a minute. “All the drug use… When Bright Lights left me, she’d spent so long making me completely dependent on her, I didn’t know how to take care of myself, and I couldn’t stand being sober, so I took every drug I could get my hooves on. I don’t know exactly what I took or how much, but it all did something to my head. Since I woke up, I’ve been having these stupid hallucinations. Sometimes, they aren’t so bad, and I just see Bright Lights tormenting me–” I laughed, that’s what I was calling ‘not so bad’ now. “–and other times, I slip into my own head and completely lose touch with the world. Arguing with ponies that aren’t there, or walking through memories of things that I’m not even sure ever really happened...” I pointed a hoof at the crack in the window. “That’s from where I almost threw myself out. If Scootaloo hadn’t come in right where she did…” 

        Write Thinking was staring at me, something that almost looked like sympathy in her eyes. Telling her Scootaloo only came in when she did because I turned omniscient and possibly planned this whole thing out probably wouldn’t help my story much. “So, yeah, if I start acting weird or just stare off into space, I’m not trying to be rude or anything, I’m just... trying to keep myself together.”

        Like that’s going to happen.

        “I see,” she said, making another note in her notepad. Between her and Doctor Hooves, there were probably going to be notepads just full of me. “That’s…” She frowned. “You’re not what I expected.”

        “Yeah, that sounds about right,” I said, laughing to myself. “I’m kind of not what I imagined either. I keep trying to figure it out, but I can never get a good grip on it.” Like one of those pictures with a pyramid that’s pointing to you one second, and pointing away the next. There was the me before Bright Lights and the me after, and the second I saw one, it switched to the other. And neither of them are real.

        “So…” I rubbed the back of my head. “What else do you want to know?”

        She pressed a smile. “Let’s start at the beginning.”


♪♪♪


        “Tell me more about those last hours in the penthouse. Give me a really strong image I can sell to the readers.” I blinked. Another stallion interviewing me. How many had that made it in the last two days? Ever since Write Thinking published her story, it was like the whole world had shifted. 

        I smiled, remembering the way Mom burst into my room, forcing me to read Write’s article. It was… It wasn’t an apology, but it wasn’t an attack, either, and it was the first story Mom’d actually wanted me to read since I woke up in the hospital. By the end of the day, she’d arranged five more interviews.

        “That’s…” I hissed, as a torrent of broken memories washed over me. “I’m not really comfortable talking about all that–”

        “Please, Sweetie,” he said, keeping his eyes on me as he wrote in a notebook identical to the one he had on his flank. “The readers need to know.”

        “You don’t need to–” Scootaloo started. She didn’t finish before I gave her the look. 

        “I know,” I said, turning back to… what was this one’s name? “So, you want an image? Does blood on the carpet from a cut-up hoof work? I’d tell you how much, but I honestly don’t know. First, I didn’t realize I’d cut my hoof because I was so out of it, and then… I don’t know, I just saw the whole room go red, like I was drowning in blood, which… I don’t think that’s true.” I pointed a hoof at the window. “Or maybe a crack in the window from where I almost jumped to my death because I thought my audience was out there would work better. Or maybe waking up in a hospital feeling like the dead? I’ve got a lot of little images and sensations from there. Feeling like I was drowning, like I was falling, like I was dying. There’s not much of a story there, just a bunch of scenes that kept smashing and dissolving into each other, but… I can do images.”

        There was a long pause where the only sound was pen on parchment. Guess he liked at least one of those. “Is there anything else?” I asked, looking at him.

        “No, I think I have what I need,” he said, putting the notebook in his saddlebag. It was going to be a pity story, then. I didn’t know for sure – there’d only been the one new story published – but after enough interviews, you started getting a sense. In a day or so, whatever paper he worked for would publish a story about the poor, broken, sinner Sweetie, publishing my pain for Equestria. I took a swig of my water, imagining it was anything but.

        “You know, you don’t have to keep doing these interviews,” Scootaloo said once the door had clicked shut. I think I might’ve said goodbye to the interviewer as he walked to the door. “I know you hate them.”

        “Yeah, well, at least they aren’t hating me anymore,” I said, drowning in my drink and thinking of the secret compartment where I’d hidden something stronger. “And I can’t wait to read the Star’s story on me.”

        “But they just spent an hour asking you about all the crazy sex stuff you got up to,” Scootaloo said. 

        I grinned. “And they didn’t ask a single question about how all that awful stuff made me feel, or the…” I shuddered and pointed a hoof at the crack in the glass. Twilight’d said she could fix it. I didn’t let her. It made for a good story in the interviews if I had something I could point to. Plus, it made sure I remembered. “No dredging up painful memories, just asking what my favorite stories were.” I hummed, remembering how the reported scrabbled to write down all my stories at me and finished the interview looking at me like I was Celestia. “I hope they use that Queen of Kink title again.”

        Scootaloo rolled her eyes, not getting it. Or maybe getting it, but not liking it. “Well, I think you’ve done enough interviews.”

        “And Mom doesn’t,” I said, frowning. “She thinks, and I kind of agree with her, that if we do a bunch of interviews at once, ponies will get tired of reading about me, and then, when she and Twilight do their engagement announcement, the story will move to them.” I got up and trotted to the kitchen, pouring myself another glass of water. What were the odds Scootaloo would leave me alone long enough to sneak a drink? Not very. I stopped and grinned. But then, who said she had to have a choice in the matter?

        “Scootaloo!” I said, steeling my voice. “Put on the dress, run – trot daintily – to the corner bakery, and pick up something for me to eat before the next interview.” I paused, chewing my lip and thinking. “Get something for yourself, too.”

        “Wait,” she said, trotting into the kitchen, “you want me to put on the dress?” Technically, it wasn’t so much a dress as it was a shirt and skirt combo, both cut short and bright, bright pink.

        “Mmm-hmm,” I said, nodding. “You aren’t going to complain, are you? Because if you are, you could wear that thing we got at the one shop, instead.” She gulped. Too hard, and she’d Rainbow Dash, and then I’d lose. I had to get that right balance, hit her pride and goad her into humiliating herself. Too soft or too hard, and she’d Rainbow Dash. Hmm, I wonder what she’d do when we talked to regular Rainbow Dash. I guess it would be fine if I wasn’t bossing her around, but if I was… We’d think of something.

        “Nope, I’m good,” she said, looking out into the living room. “Just… I left the dress at the hotel.”

        I rolled my eyes and sighed, knocking my water back like it was vodka. Soon, it would be. “Then run to the hotel, and then daintily trot to the bakery.”

        “But then half the city will see me wearing that. How is that supposed to… If I wear it in the hotel, Rarity will know we messed with her design,” she said.

        “Even better,” I said, trotting to the couch and sitting down, looking out the window and through the crack. “The whole point is to humiliate you, so if she knows you’re wearing her dress like that… I can only imagine how embarrassing that conversation will be.”

        “Okay, fine, but then she’ll know that you’re–” I cut her off.

        “That I’m some sort of crazy perverted sex deviant? Newsflash, Scootaloo, everypony in Equestria knows that. Honestly, she’ll probably be relieved that we’re just mixing dress-play with humiliation-slash-BDSM stuff. Considering what I was up to, this is a huge improvement. So… one more word, and you’re telling her everything we get up to,” I said, staring her down. Did I really want to talk to Mom about all my sex stuff? Not really, but it was a lie Scootaloo wouldn’t have a problem buying. The perks of reputation.

        “Fine,” she grumbled, trotting to the door. I got up to follow, planting a kiss on her neck and embracing her. 

        “You know you love this stuff,” I crooned into her ear. “If you didn’t, you wouldn’t keep agreeing to it.”

        “Maybe,” she said, tension leaving at my touch. This really isn’t fair to her. Three years learning under Bright Lights, and somepony like her is putty in your hoof. Yes, thank you, guilt. It didn’t matter. She still liked it. Wanted me to manipulate her. I was just giving her what she wanted.

        Did Bright Lights have the same thoughts?

        I smiled at Scootaloo, and planted a follow-up kiss on her lips. Something to grow and smolder and tide her over until whatever game I cooked up tonight. Maybe I could see about getting her into whips. She liked being humiliated, but so far we’d only explored social humiliation. There was a whole other dimension we could get into if we brought physical pain into the mix. I tilted my head as she trotted out the door. At the very least, I could bust out the suspension gear.

        A few more breaths after Scootaloo left, waiting to make sure she was down the elevator, and then I was flying to the secret compartment with my bottle of rum in it. Easy enough to get to, but they still hadn’t found it.

        “That, or they trust you,” Mom said, standing behind me as I uncorked the bottle.

        “Ugh, I don’t get what the big deal is,” I said, looking at the bottle of rum floating in front of me. “Everypony drinks. Scootaloo does, you do… I don’t go around drinking all the time, I just… want to take the edge off, now and then.”

        “We already had this conversation, Sweetie,” she said, and I could feel her eyes on the back of my neck. Maybe I was just imagining it, but with her, that was kind of the same thing, wasn’t it? 

        “Yeah, we did,” I said, trotting to my nightstand, and avoiding all the paintings we’d hidden in my room. I’d hate to spill anything on them. “And if you’ll remember, I got rid of all my drugs. I’m being better, I just don’t see the harm in a drink now and then. I’m not acting like before.”

        “Really?” Mom asked, tilting her head. “So you’re not manipulating friends and family for your own gain? Because from where I’m at, that seems like the–”

        “Well, it’s not,” I said, glaring at her as I finished pouring the glass. “This is different. Yes, I’m manipulating them, but…”

        “Yes?” Mom asked, ears perking up.

        “But it’s different. I’m not the same stupid filly who got twisted into going off to Manehattan. I’m trying to be the mare you and Scootaloo want me to be, I just… sometimes, I need some time off.”

        “Sweetie, we want you to be yourself, nothing more or less,” Mom said as I looked down at my glass and took a sip before putting the bottle back in its hiding place.

        “And I’m trying to be her, like, the me I want to be, but sometimes I don’t want to be that me. Some days, everything kind of hurts, and I can’t... Some days I just want to be…” I paused and saw my reflection in the bottle I was putting away. “Her.”

        “You mean avoiding your problems by drinking them down?” Mom asked, glaring at me before sighing. I closed the cabinet and trotted back to the living room. She was never more than a few steps behind me. “Yes, I can certainly see the appeal, but I’m not sure what it accomplishes.”

        I snorted and took another sip of my drink, savoring the familiar burn in my throat. If I was being smart, I’d probably mix it with something, but some days… some days you wanted to burn. “If I wanted to drink my problems down, I wouldn’t be doing any of this. I wouldn’t have given up all my drugs, I wouldn’t be going weeks at a time sober, I wouldn’t be dealing with these stupid interviews, I’d just be drinking and popping pills and everything would be great, but I’m not, am I?” I sat my glass down, spun around, and glared at her. “I’m being good. I’m being good, like, ninety percent of the time, okay, so why do you have to start guilt-tripping me the minute I have a drink? Oh, right, because no matter what I do, I always find a way to hate myself.” 

        There was quiet as we let my last words hang in the air. “I…” I took a breath. “I’m so tired. If I’m being bad, you keep telling me to be good. If I’m being good, Bright Lights is always there to drag me down. It’s great, right?”

        Mom moved a few inches from me and stroked my mane. Even though she was just a dream, I could still feel the phantom touch. “Don’t you think you should tell somepony about this, Sweetie? Somepony outside your head, I mean.”

        “Probably,” I said, taking my seat on the same sofa I’d given a dozen interviews on and floating my drink over to me. “But I’m not exactly looking forward to telling Mom or Scootaloo about how much I hate myself. Or how I have a secret drink stash hidden in the penthouse, but that’s for a different reason. Also, I should probably figure out how to hide more drinks. I don’t think that bottle’s going to last forever.”

        “Then don’t tell them,” Mom said, rolling her eyes. “You have other ponies who can listen to you. Tell Doctor Hooves or Luna, if you’re worried about judgment, just tell somepony outside your head. There’s nothing I can tell you that you don’t already suspect.”

        “Fine,” I said, tossing the rest of my drink back. “I’ll tell Luna tonight, happy?”

        “Happier,” she said, beginning to fade away around the edges. “And Sweetie, please don’t start isolating yourself again. We both know how that story ends.” Her eyes flicked to the crack and I frowned, looking away to my empty glass. Yeah, we knew pretty well. I took a breath to clear my head and waited for Scootaloo to come back, planning my talk with Luna as I sat.


♪♪♪


        The Princess of the Night stared down at me, eyes as cold as the stars. “So… that’s basically it,” I said, rubbing the back of my head as dreams swirled around us.

        “How often are you drinking?” she asked, keeping her eyes trained on me. 

        “It’s just been a couple of times since I woke up in the hospital. Once the first night Scootaloo and I had sex in the penthouse, and the second was today after I finished one of my interviews. Both times, I hallucinated my Mom trying to stop me. Today, she told me to talk to you.” Also, the first night I drank, I chased my rum down with some Joy. Yeah, that probably wouldn’t go well.

        “Well then, it seems you still possess some measure of good sense,” Luna said before lying down to get closer to my eye level. “Although I suppose I can’t blame you. There were many nights when I desperately wanted for some solace, and I suppose it’s easier to give up world domination than drinking.”

        “Plus, you had some crazy corrupting influence take you over,” I said. “I was just a stupid teenager.”

        “So was I,” Luna said, shrugging. “Well, in a way. I was several centuries old, actually, but according to Tia, I was at that age where impulses were strong, heady, and intoxicating, which I believe is the gist of being a teenager. Besides, Bright Lights seems as corrupting an influence as any.”

        “Okay, yeah, I guess she is a little, but you were actually possessed. They had to bring out the Elements of Harmony and everything to save you. I just…” I frowned, looking for my mom’s familiar dream-gem.

        “Fell into drug-addled madness and had to be saved from your worse half?” Luna asked, raising an eyebrow. “Yes, our stories are so completely different.”

        “Fine,” I said, biting back a hundred objections. “So how’d you do it? How’d you look at Celestia every day, see the mare she wanted you to be, and know you weren’t good enough? How did you handle the weight of all her expectations crushing down on you until you feel like the only thing you can do to make it better is have a drink?”

        “Well, Sweetie,” Luna said. “Before we get into that, perhaps we should establish just what it is your mother and Scootaloo expect from you. Do they expect you to become a world-renowned singer? Do they expect anything other than for you to find some level of contentment and stability?”

        “No,” I said, shaking my head. “If they did, I wouldn’t feel so bad about having trouble. Like, I can’t even go a day without being a little crazy or bad. Plus, Scootaloo wants me to be a little crazy, and I really like that, but that doesn’t help me feel better. What does it say about me if my favorite parts of the day are when I’m playing whatever weird humiliating game I planned with Scootaloo? What if the things that make me happy aren’t the things they want me to like?”

        “Well, from what you told me, it seems like you and Scootaloo have found ways to delight and celebrate in your peculiarities, and it brings the both of you joy despite your understandable misgivings,” Luna said, turning from me to look at Scootaloo’s dream crystal. “Her dreams have been quiet since you two started your relationship.”

        “Can I look?” I asked, taking a step toward the crystal. Luna held up a wing to stop me.

        “Is that truly something you wish?” she asked, holding the gem with her magic and pushing it deeper into the swarm of gems. “Seeing the innermost dreams of a lover isn’t something most ponies are prepared to handle. In dreams, minds stray and inner fantasies are revealed. Do you wish to see that curtain peeled back?”

        I frowned and looked up at her. “I… guess not. Are they bad? Does she dream about other mares?”

        Luna raised an eyebrow. “Me telling you would defeat the purpose, I think, but I will say you’re a recurring character in her dreams, although perhaps not always as you are.”

        That… Okay, I definitely didn’t want to know. Because I could imagine one way she’d like to see me, and… Nope! Not thinking about that. Too gross. If she was still thinking about stallions, I’d have to step up my game.

        “Yeah, you’re right, I probably don’t want to know,” I said, turning away from the wall of gems. “So, what’s the plan for tonight? More lessons or exercises, or what?”

        “Actually,” Luna said, slowly bobbing her head. “I was thinking we might practice combat in the dreaming. In many ways, it’s an extension of what we’ve been working on, but it’s better you know how to fight if I ever have you patrolling the outskirts of the Dreaming with me.”

        “Really? You’re going to teach me how to fight stuff?” I asked, tilting my head as I tried to figure out whether I was scared or excited. On the one hoof, I’d know how to fight, which I guess is cool – but on the other hoof, that meant things would be fighting me. Big nightmarish things. I flicked my tail. But how much worse could they be than Bright Lights? And it’s not like knowing how to fight meant I’d be in a fight; it was just a safety thing.

        “If you will it,” Luna said, lighting up her horn and sending us to a barren plain where the stars danced overhead. She really liked having her stars dance for some reason. Whenever we were in one of her dream-nightscapes, they were always moving. “You’ve learned much during your study, and if your wish is solely to gain enough mastery not to endanger others, you’ve accomplished it – but if your wish is for mastery of the Dreaming, there’s still so much more you can learn.”

        “Right,” I said, nodding. “Hey, even if I stop learning under you, we can still hang out in the Dreaming, right? Because I’d really rather not spend all night in my head. It’s… not a fun place.”

        Luna nodded. “If that is your wish. I’ll admit, I enjoy having somepony accompany me for my vigils.”

        “Okay,” I said, looking down at my hooves and the grass. “I just wanted to make sure we’d still be friends if you stopped teaching me, but…” What did I want? I guess I could stop and all that, but her lessons let me do something, and unlike everything else, I was kind of making progress here. “I’ll do it. I’ll keep studying, I mean.”

        “Hmm,” Luna said. “I’m pleased to hear it. There’s still so much more you can learn, and so much more of the Dreaming I wish to share.” Her horn lit up. “Now, as the Prench say, en garde!”

        Before I could do anything, the ground around me exploded and warped, and I was encased in a ball of dirt. A tiny prison chamber with barely enough room to move. “Much like all things in the Dreaming, combat is simply a matter of will,” Luna said, her voice coming from inside the dirt ball. “Your will to break free must surpass my will to bind you in earth. Oh, and try not to think about running out of air; otherwise, you will.”

        You’re doomed.

        Instead of biting back, I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing, each breath carrying out bad thoughts until it was just me. I filled my head with the image of the earth ball crumbling and pushed.

        And pushed.

        And pushed.

        And the wall still stood. I sighed and slumped against one of the walls. “I told you you were doomed,” Bright Lights whispered into my ear, the tomb suddenly becoming a lot smaller as dirt smudged into one side of my coat. “When are you going to start listening to me?”

        Okay, that was probably crazy, right? If you’re thinking about it, it is. I probed at the dirt with my magic, ignoring the way my dream Bright Lights was pressed so tight against me. I sent a ping at her, too, making sure she was just a dream and not the real Bright Lights. I hadn’t accidentally pulled someone from one of their dreams since my first nights in the Dreaming, but better to be safe than sorry.

        A pulse of magic sent her fading away. Good, not the real her, then. For the second time that night, I closed my eyes and willed. Ponies pressed against me. Bright Lights, Scootaloo, Rarity, Twilight, Diamond Tiara, Melody, Apple Bloom, Life Bloom, even a dream Princess Luna all poofed into existence, and pressed against the dirt. An instant later, it all collapsed around us and a swarm of ponies came tumbling out, most disappearing the second I took my mind off them.

        “Impressive,” Luna said, a tiny smile on her lips. “All the horrors of the Dreaming are shockingly dumb, and fights between us devolve into battles of will versus will – but a creative opponent? Would it speak ill of me if I suddenly thought this fight fun? A chance to stretch my Dreaming muscles?”

        I smiled back and my horn pulsed with magic, sending the dirt fading away and leaving the two of us floating in the stars, while the surviving dream ponies fell away. “Well, it is kind of fun. Like one of those games in an arcade, but more creative.” A memory came to me unbidden of the Hearth’s Warming where I teetered on the edge of a cliff. “Oh! It’s like that game Octavia and Vinyl play, but real… Or real-er.”

        Luna waved a wing and the stars above us began to fall. “I fail to see the connection between a dream duel and some game. Also, I believe it’s your move.”

        My head tilted up, watching as the black in the night shrank away, stars growing bigger and bigger and merging with each other as they fell. In a few more seconds, the sky would be a big blob of fire. In a few more seconds, everything under it would be burned away. Unless… I looked around. The night sky was missing its moon. That wouldn’t do.

        I closed my eyes and the world roared, air whipping past me as the dark side of the moon hung above Luna and me. Outside its shadow, fire fell. “Look, they’re both creative things where you kind of imagine a world. Their game is about roleplaying, though, and our game is about…” A surge of dream magic coated me, flowing from my horn, and I popped out of existence, emerging a second later on the other side of the moon, which had now melted and burned away to more of a half-moon. “How was that not going to kill me? It burned away half the moon!”

        “Ponies die in dreams all the time,” Luna said, suddenly appearing next to me, but somehow hearing everything I’d just said. “And then, you wake up.” She frowned and flapped her wings, sending gusts of arctic air blowing down at the moon’s molten surface. “And how dare you use the moon against me. The impudence of such a thing.”

        I laughed as she focused on taking care of the dream moon instead of fighting me. Behind her, a pool of water formed and froze, kicked forward by the same wind she was moving to cool the moon. “Come on, you’re just mad you didn’t think of doing it first.” She looked at me, still not seeing the chunk of ice headed towards her. I smiled. “Also, I win.”

        Her head whipped around just in time for the ice blob to crash into her, shattering on impact as she flickered into and out of existence. “Well done,” she said, picking a piece of ice off her coat. “You managed to take me out with, what I believe is colloquially referred to as, a sucker punch. It was clever and inventive, but if you’re fighting the creatures of the Dreaming, that won’t help you as much as will and discipline will. If you dropped a chunk of ice on a Night Terror, it would be too stupid to know that should kill it.” She pulled a moon out of a basket ball out of the air and set it between us. “Here, you will the ball towards me, and I’ll will it towards you. Whoever the ball touches first, loses.”

        A beam of soft-blue magic shot from her horn and wrapped around the tiny moon. I shot my own sap-green magic at the moon and tried to press it towards Luna. It didn’t budge. “On your mark, Sweetie Belle,” Luna said, smiling.

        “Alright,” I said, taking a deep breath and trying to calm myself. This was going to be fine. I actually beat Luna in the creativity fight, and I’d gotten a lot better at willpower stuff. I could do at least okay against her. “Three… two… one…” I focused my will at it and pushed forward. Instead of moving away, the moon shot towards me, closing the gap in the blink of an eye and then… I looked down to see a hole cutting between my top half and bottom half. A tickle of blue magic surrounded me an instant later and my body merged back together.

        “Well,” Luna said, flapping her wings to cross the void between us. “It seems you need to work on your willpower exercises.”

        How… My jaw worked up and down as I tried to think up something to say. “You said if I died in the Dreaming, I’d wake up.”

        “You’re right,” Luna said, conjuring land beneath us and setting me down. “But in this instance, the damage happened so quickly and unexpectedly that you didn’t have time to process it. Much like a Night Terror, you didn’t realize you were dead, so you didn’t die. If I’d given you a bit more time to think before fixing you, you probably would have woken up.”

        I frowned, staring at my hooves. “I thought I was getting better at willpower stuff.” The stupid whisper in my head just laughed.

        Luna smiled and patted my mane. “Now, Sweetie, your Dreaming skills have improved immensely since we started training, and your willpower has gotten better, at least in the Dreaming. I’m sure if you spend a thousand years practicing, you’ll be able to put up a respectable showing. Of course, by then, I’ll have had a thousand extra years of practice as well, so…” She shrugged. “Perhaps not.”

        “Wait, a thousand years?” I asked. Sure, she was over a thousand years old, but she’d been Nightmare Moon for a millennium. “So… Does that mean...?”

        “You’d be surprised how little there is to do trapped inside the moon,” Luna said, taking a seat next to me and sending the damaged moon back up to the stars. “Lots of time for willpower exercises.”

        “So, you kept your Nightmare Moon skills?” I asked.

        “You kept the skills gained from the lifestyle you rejected,” Luna said, tilting her head. “I fail to see an appreciable difference. We can keep the good while still rejecting the life.”

        “I guess that’s true,” I said as Luna formed another moon-ball. “Wait, you think there was something good about all that…” I waved a hoof and pulled us into the penthouse, complete with ponies writhing and… a pulse of my horn’s magic emptied it out. “Sorry.”

        She smiled and gripped the ball with her magic. “I believe Scootaloo finds something enjoyable about your forbidden knowledge, and love it or hate it, you owe the mare you are now to her, just as much as I owe my existence towards Nightmare Moon.”

        “But Nightmare Moon was awful,” I started before Luna tossed the mini-moon at me. I caught it just an inch from my face.

        “I’m not disputing that, Sweetie,” Luna said, smile vanished as she dragged the moon back to its midpoint. “But so much of me is a reaction to her. Before her, I was incautious and impulsive. A reckless fool who thought she knew all the answers. Now, I have a degree of temperance and wisdom, and that’s owed as a reaction to her.”

        “Didn’t you already tell me this stuff?” I asked, frowning. It sounded familiar, but… I’d been hearing a lot of the same things from different voices lately.

        “Perhaps,” Luna said, shrugging. “But that just means you need to take my lessons to heart, instead of letting them flow into one ear and out the other like a stream uninterrupted.” She was definitely getting irritated if she was falling into flowery language. If she started breaking out the royal We next, I’d done something to really annoy her. “But do you dispute my position? How much of what you deem good about you stems as a consequence or reaction from the years you spent here?”

        That was… Scootaloo definitely liked some of the things I’d learned, and… well, I knew what I didn’t want to be, thanks to here, so… I winced. “Probably a lot.” 

        “Then you see my point,” Luna said. “Now, I will be distracting myself this round, so if you truly focus yourself, you might have a chance against me. At least, you shouldn’t have to worry about my moon punching a hole through you again.” I narrowed my eyes. We had a few more hours until her next patrol, I could win at least one round against her.


♪♪♪


        I couldn’t. At all. One time, I got it most of the way over to her, then she bounced back harder. She said I distracted myself thinking about how I was finally going to win a round... I say she just stopped holding back so much. Either way, if we’d been in the Waking world, I’d be wearing a coat of bruises for days. Instead, the aches only lasted a second or two after I registered the sun hitting my eyes. Sunlight, so we hadn’t fallen asleep in the inner room of my penthouse. That left the regular bedroom, or the hotel.

        “What time is it?” I groaned, rolling onto my back as my eyes opening.

        “Almost eleven,” Scootaloo said next to me. I tilted my head over and saw a few newspapers stacked on the nightstand. I smiled. The first wave of interviews were coming out.

        “Anything good?” I asked, reaching over to grab a newspaper off the stack. I could have just used my magic, but then Scootaloo wouldn’t get the feeling of my body pressing against hers in the morning, and how could I deny her that? Plus, that way, I got to feel the warmth of her fur, too, so it was kind of a win-win.

        “See for yourself,” Scootaloo said, grinning. “I went out earlier this morning with your Mom to pick them up. Kind of thought you’d be up when I got back. You must’ve been really tired.”

        “Well, I got a workout last night,” I said, smiling as I flipped through the paper, looking for the entertainment section. “Technically, I think you got more of a workout, since you were the one in suspension, but you work out all the time.”

        “Sweetie, would you have gotten any exercise in the last three years if it hadn’t been for all your sex stuff?” Scootaloo asked. I tilted my head as I found the first article.

        “Technically, I think being in a stage production is a pretty big workout, since you’ve got rehearsals and singing exercises and lots of standing and walking, but… beyond that, no,” I said. The smile on my lips vanished as I read the article. There it was. All my confessions and sorrys and begging spilled out on the page, for everypony to read. They put my worst memories of my life on display, and now I was begging for their mercy.

        My eyes narrowed, a sting of rage pricking my stomach. Why? I hadn’t hurt any of them. The only pony I’d hurt was myself, but I was apologizing to them for giving them something to gossip about. Why was I begging for their forgiveness?

        “Are the rest like this?” I asked, throwing the paper away with my magic.

No more. I wasn’t going to apologize to ponies I didn’t hurt. I wasn’t going to act like I’d committed some awful crime. I knew my mistakes, I’d suffered, and they’d enjoyed every stupid second of it, and turned me into a monster for their fun. But you are a monster. The only paper that treated me fair was–

        “Except for the Star’s story, yeah, and it’s–” I launched over her to pull The Midnight Star from the pile and laughed. To them, I was front page news, and to get there, I didn’t have to apologize an inch.

        “Oh, this is great,” I said, skimming through the papers. “They even got pictures. I think they made them up, but still.” I held up the inside page for her to look at. It was me in a penthouse – not my penthouse, but still a penthouse – with lots of ponies and black bars everywhere. “I think they did a pretty good job recreating the scene, don’t you?” I flipped through some more pages. “Now, did they touch on the drug use, or was it just the sex?” Beyond a few lines about me starting each party with some Joy, and saying I passed out pills for party favors, nope. It was all about the parties, which was fine by me. The sex was probably the least bad stuff I did back then. Except for the singing, I guess.

        “Okay, so you don’t care about the stories that are saying how much you regretted what you did, but you like the story that– that– embraces all the bad stuff you did?” Scootaloo asked, putting a hoof over the paper and bringing it down so I had to look at her.

        I rolled my eyes. “First, yes, I like the one article that doesn’t pity me, what a shock, and second, you don’t seem to have a problem embracing all the ‘bad stuff’ I did when I’m coming up with games for us to play.” I hopped out of bed and glared at her. “Do I hate the drug use? Yes. Did I drink too much? Sure. But the sex? That was fun. I’m not apologizing for it.” Or anything else.

        Besides, you have so much to be ashamed over already. The drugs, hurting everypony you cared about, turning into a spoiled monster… I clenched my jaw. No more apologies.  “Say one more word about this, and I’ll… Just drop it.”

        “Whatever,” Scootaloo said as I trotted to the door. “You know, I really don’t get you sometimes. One day, you want to be normal, hate everything you did, and just want to go back to being the old Sweetie, and then the next day, you’re celebrating it.”

        I laughed and flicked my tail in her face. “Like you want me to be normal. You’d go out of your mind if I started acting like old Sweetie.”

        “No, I…” She stopped. “Okay, I like bossy dominant Sweetie, but it wouldn’t kill you to act more like the old Sweetie, would it? You know, the sane normal one.”

        That was… I tried not to laugh. Scootaloo had no idea what she wanted. She wanted bossy Sweetie and old Sweetie at the same time. And she thought you were ever sane and normal. Ugh, even the voice in my head was right this time. Was I ever not broken? Sure, I wasn’t as broken back before I went to the Academy, but the cracks were still there, right?

        “Hey, Mom,” I said, shoving the thoughts to the side as I trotted into the main room of the suite. “So, what are we going to do now that the stories are coming out?”

        “Oh, yes, well… that might be a small problem,” Mom said, looking up from the table where she was sitting next to Twilight, a bunch of books around them. “You see, for us to do the engagement announcement properly, we have to be at Twilight’s castle, but I also feel that the best time for you to do your first performance is on the eve of the announcement, and it would be better if that happened in the next few days, while the public still has their desire for scandal sated by the glut of interviews we’ve had coming out…” She just kept going, outlining the whole strategy she’d planned for me. Maybe Mom’d missed her calling as a general, or maybe Twilight just helped her out a bunch. “So, I think it would be best if you showed up at the Mondé Café during their open-mic night this Tuesday. Our announcement will happen the next morning, and nopony will be expecting you to give a performance, but…”

        “That means you’ll have to go to Ponyville while I stay in Manehattan,” I said, figuring out the next part before she could say it. 

        “Uhmm… yes, I believe this will be the best strategy, I really do, but I understand if you wish for me to stay or want to accompany me. The plan is nothing if not flexible,” she said, smiling and looking at Twilight. “It is flexible, right?”

        Twilight rubbed her forehead and closed her eyes. “If we’d gone with my original idea, no, but with your open-mic addition… Yes. Yes, we should be fine if we make some changes to it.”

        I shook my head. “It’s fine,” I said, trotting back to my marefriend. “I’ll still have Scootaloo with me, and it’s not like you’re going away forever. Just a few days so you can make your announcement.”

        “Right,” Mom said, nodding her head. “Although… Twilight has been away from her court for a rather long time, and she’ll have to get back to work sooner rather than later, I’m afraid. Once we make the announcement, it might be a rather long while before we can slip away to Manehattan again, especially since I’ll have to deal with proving myself to the local nobility once I make my declaration of royalty.”

        “Sounds…” Okay, so Mom and Twilight were going back to Ponyville for more than a few days, that was completely fine. If I wanted to, I could go with them, but… I frowned. I didn’t want to. Did I want to spend more time with Mom? Sure. Did I want to leave Manehattan? Not really, and I definitely didn’t want to leave Scootaloo, although I could probably just convince her to come with me.

        “Oh good, impose on her more, that’s just what she wants,” Bright Lights hissed in my ear. What was with the voices in my head having a point today? Between her and the generic voice in my head, they were both kind of making sense. Was that a good thing or bad thing, though? 

        “Uhmm… would it be okay if I stayed here? I’ll visit all the time, I promise, and I’ll have Scootaloo with me, I just don’t want to leave the city,” I said. Mom just looked at me and faked a smile.

        “If that’s… If you’re sure that’s what you want to do, and as long as you don’t venture off on your own, that’s…” Her smile started slipping, but she kept it up. “That’s completely fine.”

        “Are you sure?” I asked, frowning. No fighting, no arguing, just her trying to be happy for me. Was I that obvious back when I was pretending to be happy? You still are.

        “Oh, yes, of course,” Mom said. “Although… I’d appreciate it if we spent my last few days here doing some mother-daughter bonding. Actually, I’d appreciate it if we did quite a bit more than just ‘some.’”

        “I’d love that,” I said, trotting over and throwing my arms around her. “How long until you have to go to Ponyville?”

        “Oh, I think I still have about three days before we’ll have to depart,” she said, tilting her head. “Perhaps we can work it up to four if we leave early Monday morning, and that leaves us the whole of the weekend.”

        I grinned, ignoring the fact that I was going to be on stage in less than a week and hadn’t sung a single bar since I’d woken up. “Then I guess we have to make this the best weekend ever.”

> 11. Brilliant Disguise
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        The weekend was as fun as it was short, and an hour before dawn Monday morning, I was trotting to the train station with my Mom and Twilight, while Scootaloo slept in bed. She’d gone to sleep a few hours ago. So had Twilight, but she’d gotten right back up like she had a full night’s sleep. She was a few hooves in front of us while Mom and I dragged behind, and behind that were the hotel porters carrying all their luggage 

        “You know, we don’t have to leave,” Mom said for the hundredth time that weekend. My yawn hid my eye roll. “It’s…” She had her own yawn. “Simple enough to postpone the announcement, and the suite is still reserved for visiting royalty only.”

        “It’s fine,” I said, eyelids heavy. Last night had been about whatever I wanted, and what I wanted was to go out and see a show. Not a Bridleway show – I’d had enough of those – but a lounge thing. Something quiet and intimate with just a singer, a microphone, a stage, and a room full of ponies. That was the dream, wasn’t it? To just be able to get on stage and sing, and not have to worry about anything. I adjusted the black sweater I’d spent the last day wearing, making sure it wasn’t bunching anywhere. “It’s not like it’s a real goodbye or anything. I’ll be visiting all the time, and you’ll be visiting, and it won’t be anything like before.”

        A dark cloud obscured the setting moon. “No, I know it won’t be,” Mom said, trotting next to me, as I glanced at our reflection in an empty storefront. “Obviously, if I seriously doubted your recovery, I wouldn’t be leaving, but… I suppose my mind is prone to worrying.” She smiled and tilted my beret so the edge of it almost flopped into vision. “And if you’re going to insist on wearing that, you should wear it properly. Remember, Sweetie, always go with style. A well-dressed mare has the keys to the proverbial kingdom.”

        “So, what, you’re saying nothing else matters as long as I look good?” I asked, grinning at her.

My mom ‘tsked.’ “You know it’s not, Sweetie, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t twist my comments so. No, obviously, you should always strive to embody virtue, that goes without saying – but if you’re going to dress up, do it properly. Treat your clothes with care, take the time to style yourself, and remember that so much of it is about presentation. It’s amazing how much a good ensemble can boost your mood.”

“Really?” I asked, tilting my head. We turned the corner, and a few more ponies joined us on the sidewalk as we approached the train station.

“Don’t tell me you think otherwise, Sweetie,” Mom said, shaking her head and magically adjusting her mane. “I’ve seen you coyly glancing sideways at your own reflection when you thought I was looking elsewhere. There’s something empowering about being well-dressed. It makes you feel almost invincible, like a suit of armor fashioned entirely out of whole cloth.” She laughed at a joke I didn’t get. I just shrugged while she continued. “And it’s even more important in Manehattan. In Ponyville, it’s generally acceptable to go without unless it’s a special occasion, but here – in the circles you want access to – being well-dressed can tip the scales in your favor.”

I shook my head, chasing off another yawn and looking back at the several porters following behind us before glancing at Mom’s saddlebags and the glints of gems poking out. They’d be earning their tips this morning. “Could we maybe not make our last talk about fashion? I get it; I think you’ve raised me pretty well when it comes to couture or whatever.”

She just laughed. “The fact that you add ‘or whatever’ after it shows how massively I failed. There’s a whole world of clothing and style out there that you haven’t even scratched the surface of.”

“Yeah, but that’s your world,” I said. “It’s not mine. Like, you care about the type of stitch used in making a dress. I just care that it’s stitched. But I can look at a palette wheel and point out mauve, and I know a lot of stuff about silk.” My lips twitched up. Maybe even some things she didn’t. “That’s a lot more than most ponies, and I bet I know more about music and Bridleway than you do. Like, can you tell me where you’d find heptatonic and octatonic scales?”

“Uhmm… No,” Mom said, shaking her head. “And perhaps you’re right, you know more about fashion by far than the laypony and should be able to navigate the uppercrusts of society without embarrassing yourself.”

“Yeah, but I really don’t want to do that uppercrust stuff. That’s more a ‘you’ thing. I’ll just be happy if I can carve out a place for myself in the arthouse coffee-shop scene,” I said, looking up above and seeing the moon as the cloud cleared it. What was Luna up to tonight? Hopefully, she didn’t miss me. We’d probably have at least an hour together once I got back to the suite and crashed.

Mom looked at me, a smile tugging up at her lips. “Sweetie Belle, the Bohaymian. You’ve certainly got the look for it, and I suppose the style fits you well enough.” A nod. “Yes, I can see you doing well in the coffee shops around here. Just…” We reached the station and Twilight held the door open for us. “Promise me you won’t fall back into that lifestyle. I know such things can be seen as avant garde in those circles, but that’s no reason for you to relapse and undo all your progress.”

“Don’t worry,” I said, looking back over my shoulder. “I really don’t want to wake up in a hospital again.” Or almost jump out a window. Or freeze to death, maybe. “I’m done with all that.” Except for drinking a little, but if I said that, she’d never leave. Not that I wanted her to leave, exactly. I just needed her to.

“Behold, Sweetie Belle, the Master Manipulator as she works her craft. Look how she bends loved ones to her whims,” Bright Lights barked on top of the ticket booth, dressed up like a showmare. Apparently, my subconscious was getting in on the costume stuff too. “Marvel at her skill for deception and total disregard for–” My horn pulsed and she puffed into nothing. I was not up for that this morning.

“I’m pleased to hear that,” Mom said, frowning as we moved down to her platform where the train sat, waiting for the top of the hour. “Just promise me you won’t do anything foolish, and please keep Scootaloo close to you.”

I smiled and hugged her. “You know me,” I said as the hug ended.

Mom just looked at me. “I do,” she said. “I know how much you wish to do good, but I also know…” She looked at the train. “No, that metaphor is entirely in bad taste, considering the setting.” She returned the hug, and I caught a whiff of her perfume mixed with the cold smell of leaving. “Please, write frequently, and I’ll try to visit as often as I can.”

“I’ll do the same,” I said, looking at her while Twilight led the porters to their car. There was a long silence as we each tried to think up something to say. I reached across and wrapped my forelegs around her in a second hug. There didn’t need to be anything else.

The seconds kept ticking and the hug continued, neither of us wanting to be the first to end it. “It’s almost time,” Twilight said, causing us to pull apart. “Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt, but we also don’t want to miss our train.” She reached into her saddlebag and pulled out an orb and necklace. “And this is for you, Sweetie.”

“What is it?” I asked, looking at the necklace. When I touched it with my magic, I felt a web of spells wrapped around it and the orb. More than just jewelry.

“The necklace has a recall spell attached to it, and the orb is a signalling device. Just cast a color cantrip on the orb, and its twin will change color too. Then, I’ll activate the recall spell, and bring you to Ponyville.” She smiled. “In case you ever need to get home in a hurry. Oh, and you should probably be wearing the necklace once you activate the orb.”

“That was very sweet of you, Twilight,” Mom said, nuzzling at Twilight’s neck. She looked at me. “It would be silly of me to say ‘be good,’ wouldn’t it?”

I made tiny nods. “You know I will be,” I said. “Maybe not perfect, but good. Definitely good.”

She smiled. “And if you aren’t, Scootaloo will tell me, and then… well, I don’t know what I’ll do when I’m cross with you, Sweetie, but I’m sure neither of us will enjoy it. Perhaps issue a royal decree confining you to our castle, which, as of Wednesday, I’ll be able to do.” She laughed the crazy laugh that said her imagination was fully in control. “So many decrees. I’ll start with outlawing galoshes, but I think we’ll be making the phrase ‘crimes against fashion’ rather literal.” Twilight and I exchanged glances.

Mom took a breath her eyes regained their focus. “Sorry, dears, I’m afraid I ran off into my own head a bit.” It ran in the family, then. “Ah, yes, well, Sweetie, I’ll write you a letter as soon as I’m back in Ponyville, and I want a report about your first show, do you understand me, young lady?” I nodded.

“Very good, well…” She frowned as the whistle sounded. “I’m not really sure what to say here, since this isn’t a goodbye. Just a–”

“See you later,” I said, perking up and bouncing to the tips of my hooves. “I’ll see you later.”

Mom smiled as Twilight headed to their car. “Yes, I will see you later, Sweetie. Around the start of summer, I think.” It wasn’t a question or request. It was a command, with no room for arguing.

“Sounds great,” I said, giving her another quick hug. 

“Oh, and before I forget – apparently, the perks of being royalty include an almost embarrassingly large amount of discretionary income, so I’ll be wiring a monthly stipend to you and Scootaloo. Consider it one of the fringe benefits of being a... duchess? Yes, I think that’s right.. Or possibly a marchioness...? No, I’m fairly sure it’s duchess.... ” she mused as she trotted towards the train, before looking back and giving me a wave.

“Have a nice trip,” I said, waving after her as she boarded the train. “And I’ll see you this summer.”

“And I will eagerly await your arrival,” she said as the door slid shut. A second later, there was another whistle and the wheels of the train slowly turned. She gave another wave through the window, and I waved back, while the train rolled away, although I didn’t do the movie thing by running to keep pace with the train. Instead, I just watched until the train disappeared, picked up the orb and necklace (and cursed myself for not bringing saddlebags), and trotted back to the suite before diving into the pillows. I don’t think I’d even settled in before falling asleep.


***


        “Come on,” Scootaloo said, flicking her wings. “Can we please do something?” After waking up at the suite, we’d packed up our things, given the hotel our room keys, and headed to her apartment. It was… small. No big spacious living rooms, definitely no private gyms; just two bedrooms that were slightly larger than a shoebox when combined, a living room you could maybe cram three ponies into, a closet that pretended it was a kitchen, and one bathroom for everyone to share. 

        “I am doing something,” I said, rolling eyes and looking back at my reflection. “Come on, you can do this. You used to do it all the time, how hard is it to just sing?”

        “You did it for me all the time,” Bright Lights said, sitting on the bed. A twin bed, and why do they call them twin beds if you can only fit one pony on them comfortably?

“Ugh, I know that’s the problem.” I swirled around to face my hallucination. “You stole it! You stole my voice, and now I can’t sing without thinking about…” I shuddered. “Why do you have to ruin everything you touch?!”

“Sweetie, calm down,” Scootaloo said, jumping between me and her. “You know it’s not real, just… take a few breaths.”

“No!” I shouted at her. I paused. It wasn’t her fault everything was ruined. I took a breath, but it didn’t calm me. “I just… I need to do this, Scootaloo. I’m going on stage tomorrow night, and I still can’t sing.”

Scootaloo flared her wings and stood her ground. We weren’t in play mode now, this was just regular arguing mode. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t go on stage then. That’s why you did the open mic thing, right? So you could cancel. Well, this sounds like a really good reason not to be there. We can try again next week.”

“But that’s not Mom’s plan,” I said, running a hoof through my mane. “We had this whole thing planned out, and now I can’t do it, and it’s all because of her!” I pointed the same hoof at Bright Lights. “She… She ruined everything.”

“Yeah, Bright Lights did some awful stuff, but you can’t just… you need to calm down,” Scootaloo said.

“Calm down?!” I yelled, spinning around so my flank and cutie mark were in her face. “Do you see this? Do you know what it means? It means I sing. It means that’s what I’m best at, that’s what brings me happiness, and I can’t do it!” My ears folded down. “I can’t do it, she broke me, and you’re telling me to calm down?” I turned back to face her and glared at Bright Lights. “And she’s so happy about it.”

Scootaloo rubbed her forehead. “That’s… Okay, first, she’s–” She pointed a hoof at the bed where Bright Lights was still sitting. “–not real.”

I rolled my eyes and snorted. “I’m not stupid,” I said. “I didn’t just start hallucinating yesterday. I get she’s some part of me, or whatever, but she’s a part of me, and she’s happy about it. Some part of me’s happy that I’m broken, and I just…” I growled. “I want to rip her out of my head and stomp on her until she can’t talk anymore.”

“Okay, well, second, you’re not broken. You’re getting better. You just… it takes time to recover after all the crazy stuff that happened to you.” All the crazy stuff you did. I sighed. There they were, going soft on me like always. Couldn’t I just have one pony stand up and yell at me, so I could yell back at them without feeling bad? Well, I got Scootaloo yelling at me earlier, so that was something, I guess.

“Yeah, okay,” I said, turning back to the mirror. “Thanks for the help, now can you go or be quiet so I can get back to practicing?”

“Come on, Sweetie,” she said from behind me. “You’ve been looking at that mirror for hours. Can’t we go and do something fun? It’ll be good to get your mind off this for a bit.”

I closed my eyes and willed the vision of Bright Lights away. Something told me we’d be needing the bed soon. She wanted to have fun, and maybe it wouldn’t kill me to relax a bit, but our usual games left me to do all the work while she enjoyed herself. A flashbulb went off in my head as an idea walked down the red carpet. That could work. “Kiss my horn.”

“What?” Scootaloo asked, taking a step back. “That’s not… It’s not…” Oh, right, it was something normal ponies did in a relationship and not humiliating. Shoot, I’d hoped it would be close enough to something she liked that she’d go along with it. Well, if that’s what she wanted… I tried to remember the name of her roommate. Socket? Racket?

“Rusty!” I shouted, moving to flop down on Scootaloo’s bed, leaving my horn accessible. “Can you please come in here?” 

A brown unicorn stallion appeared in the door, his dull-red mane threatening to get in his eyes as it parted around his horn. Perfect, he’d get the significance right away, no need to explain anything. “Uh… yeah? Sweetie, right?”

“Please stay in the room and watch, and feel free to make yourself comfortable.” I looked at Scootaloo. “You may continue.”

“Sweetie, this is…” Scootaloo trailed off, cheeks burning red. I didn’t hear the word Rainbow Dash, though. I sat up and tilted my head.

“Exactly what you wanted,” I said, gazing levelly at her. “I asked you to do a very simple thing, Scootaloo. If you’re worried about Rusty, don’t. He’s a stallion, so I’m sure he’ll enjoy it.”

“Uh… enjoy what?” he asked, confusion written on his face in big bold markers. I rolled my eyes and moved back to lay down.

“You’ll see, and Scootaloo, don’t stop until I say so. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll like it, kissing a horn is kind of like su–”

“Wait, she’s going to kiss your horn?! In front of me?” Socket– Rusty said. 

I tilted my head. “Of course, that’s what she likes, being humiliated and degraded and shamed in front of everypony.” I looked at my marefriend, cheeks burning as she slunk close to the wall. I smiled, the great and indomitable Scootaloo silent and cowed. She was probably going to go crazy thinking about this–

“She didn’t with me,” Rusty said, staring at me like I was some kind of bug monster.

“Well,” I said, folding my lips until they were just a line, “aren’t you special. Scootaloo, I’m tired of talking.” I laid down on my stomach.

“Geeze,” he said, turning away. “I thought the papers were exaggerating about you being out of your mind. You two have fun, but I’m not going to watch this.”

“Why not?” I asked, getting up and trotting after him. “I thought that was every stallion’s fantasy: watching two mares together. Or is it that you’re not involved? I could have her kiss your horn as well. I suppose you’d deserve some reward for being such a good participant.”

He shook his head. “What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you such–”

“Nothing’s wrong with me,” I said, staring at him and closing the door to our room with my magic. Well, lots of things were, but he didn’t need to hear about that. “I’m exactly what she wants me to be. What she asked me to be.” I tried to smile for him. “Now, she’d really appreciate it if you’d watch the two of us, and I know you’d like it, so what’s the problem? Is it weird watching her with another mare? Were you two close? I suppose I could understand that.” Kind of. I didn’t like having to watch Bright Lights with two stallions at once, but that was mostly because I didn’t like stallions. Besides, this was way tamer than that. It was basically just kissing. You know that’s a lie.

I laughed. Maybe a little. More an exaggeration than a lie.

“Wow.” He ran a hoof through his mane. “So, I’m just gonna go to my room and put on a sound spell. You two have fun, just feel free to do whatever crazy stuff you want.” He trotted to the threshold of his room and stopped to look back at me. “Although… Just so you know, she didn’t want any of that crazy stuff when we were together. Why does she need it with you?”

He closed the door, and I stared at it, eye twitching. Everything tensed up in me for a minute before I burst into moving all at once. Barrelling into the room and slamming the door shut with magic, I planted my hooves in front of Scootaloo and glared. “Do you love me?”

“What? Yeah,” Scootaloo said, looking at me like I’d completely lost my mind. “You know I do, what’s going on?”

“Kiss my horn,” I said, still staring at her. “Don’t say anything else, just kiss my horn.”

“Sweetie, you’re acting–”

“I just said ‘Don’t say anything else,’ didn’t I?” I asked, moving to sit on the bed. “Did you have a problem kissing Rusty’s horn?” My eye twitched again. “Nevermind, I don’t want to hear what you did or didn’t do, just do it. Oh, and in case you don’t know what to do, tracing your tongue down the groove works really well. And if you still want to be humiliated for some reason, just know I’m going to be really loud, and the walls are thin. Rusty’s still going to hear everything. And don’t stop until I say so.”

She hesitated, but eventually moved to wrap her lips around the tip of my horn. I sighed and rolled over on my back as my back leg kicked. More of my horn fit in her mouth, and she traced the grooves. My eyes rolled into my head, and stars exploded in my vision. Too good for a novice. My whole body relaxed, but my stupid head couldn’t stop thinking. Thinking where she learned it. Why she didn’t need all the games with Rusty. I closed my eyes and did my best to focus on the pleasure shooting down from my horn, hoping it’d eventually bury my thoughts.

I hmmed and focused my eyes on the ceiling as strands of magenta peeked into view. A minute longer, and then… “Stop,” I said when the time’d passed, or I thought it’d passed. Just like that, all the problems I’d almost forgotten came back. I looked to Scootaloo and smiled. “Thank you, I really needed that.”

“Yeah,” Scootaloo said as I let my head loll off the edge of the bed. “Wanna tell me why you started acting so crazy?”

I rolled on my stomach and lifted my head up, frowning. “Because you wanted it.” You’re such a liar. Well, it was mostly true. “Okay, I was stressed and wanted you to kiss my horn, that was me, but you wanted to make it all about me humiliating you, so I did.” And why the hey didn’t you need Rusty to humiliate you all the time? Was there something wrong with me? You know the answer.

“Alright,” Scootaloo said, shaking her head. “That’s… Could you try being a little nicer to Rusty, and maybe not using him as a prop in our games?” She took a step forward, old fire replacing shame. “That wasn’t cool, Sweetie. We’re friends, you shouldn’t just–”

“Friends?” I laughed and got to my hooves. “And I thought I had good friends. I think most ponies would say your exes count as a little more than friends.”

“We didn’t date,” Scootaloo said, staring me down. Oh, right, time for the summer heat story. “It was just summer, you know? We get along, spend a lot of time together, and when it was time for the heat… I wasn’t going to get in a real relationship while I was waiting for you. Besides, can you really say a thing after all the stuff you did? I had sex with one pony while you were gone. You had sex with, like, one thousand.”

        “Oh, throw that back in my face,” I said, rolling my eyes. “First, I wasn’t waiting for you. I didn’t know I was going to be saved, and I didn’t think I needed saving; I was just enjoying myself. Second, I don’t live with everypony I ever had sex with. Also, I don’t think my number was that high. A thousand is a lot, but… I guess if I had somepony different each day, it might be close.” I frowned. “I really don’t think it was a thousand, though.”

        “How can you not know?” Scootaloo said. “That’s completely… and you’re saying it like it’s an excuse. Like me having sex with someone is worse than you sleeping with everyone.”

        My eye twitched again. Were we really weren’t going to get in a fight over this? I sighed. If she was going to go ahead and keep being wrong, I guess we were. “‘How can I not know?’ You go out and sleep with a hundred ponies and try and remember all their names. It wasn’t like we had anything special, it was just mindless fun sex.”

        “That’s what it was with me and Rusty!” she shouted back. “I didn’t love him like I love you.”

        “And I didn’t love any of them,” I said, waving a hoof. “They were just…” I laughed at the line that popped in my head. “Simple props, to occupy my time.” Now, if I could just sing it, I’d be great. Maybe spoken word songs were going to be in soon? Maybe I could make an arthouse bluff and say I was doing it to force ponies to listen to the message instead of just hearing the sound? If I wore the sweater and beret, maybe. 

        I blinked and looked at Scootaloo, the same thought squatting in our head. “So… why are we fighting?” we both said at once.

        “That’s…” I laughed and shook my head before wrapping my arms around her and kissing her the way she liked. “Because I can be a bit crazy, sometimes?”

        She smiled and rubbed the back of her neck. “I probably didn’t help much. So, back to staring at a mirror?”

        “Let’s do something fun, instead,” I said, using my magic to clear the bed and pull the silk out of my specialty bag. “We could both use some.”

        “Yeah,” she said, staring at the silk as I pulled out a few more tools. “Do you think you could take the lead again? It was fine kissing your horn, but I’d like it if we…”

        “Sure,” I said, smiling, Rusty’s last words echoing in my ears. I’d probably need to apologize later for being so awful to him. I didn’t want to have another Dazzler on my hooves, especially if we were going to be living together. My smile turned predatory. But that could wait. I had a project to work on.


***


        I stood looking down at my latest masterpiece. A melted puddle of Scootaloo threatening to run down the crack between bed and wall. Seriously, how were we going to share that bed tonight? We couldn’t fit a bigger bed in here, either, if we wanted to have silly things like room to walk. Was I going to have to sleep at the penthouse?

        “You were so good,” I crooned, whispering into her ear. Well, she was a good subject. I did almost all the work. Like usual.. “Also, how do you feel about doing games in public? I was thinking while we were out some time, I could wear a hat to cover my horn, and then I’d…”

        There was a vague gurgle of interest. 

        “Great,” I said, grinning and bending down to kiss her forehead. “I’m just gonna go talk to Rusty while you recover. I should probably apologize for being so mean to him.” Even if he’d given as good as he got. Why does she need it with you? Maybe even better.

        More gurgling as she tried to roll over and get to her hooves. Not yet. She was going to be spent for a while. I hummed to myself. The papers were wrong when they called me the Queen of Kink. I was a goddess. With an ego to match. 

        “What is it?” I asked, trotting back to Scootaloo. “Don’t stand yet, just… take your time.” I stroked her mane.

        “Rusty… should apologize for the noise,” she panted. I giggled.

        “Oh, he put on a noise canceling spell,” I said, laughing. “I just told you that to see how you handled the thought of somepony overhearing you. Kind of work you into public exhibitionism. Plus, I figured the whole shame of being overheard by an ex thing would make it all the more humiliating, embarrassing, and degrading for you.”

        “That’s…” she trailed off. I grinned bigger.

        “Pretty genius, I know. Anyways, you’re welcome. Have fun putting yourself back together.” I gave her another quick little kiss on her lips before trotting to the door, her back leg whimpered at my touch. Goddess, indeed.

        I took the half step from our room to Rusty’s door and knocked. No answer. Understandable. I knocked again. What did I expect that time? I cracked the door open and trotted over to where he was sitting at a desk (A desk? How’d he fit a desk in there?), working on some metal thing, magic around his ear. I smiled, waved, and touched his bit of metal thing with my own magic, causing it to clatter down as the magic around his ears vanished in a puff.

        “Sorry,” I said, keeping my smile up for him. “I didn’t mean to barge in, I just wanted to apologize for kind of being a jerk earlier. I was in a pretty bad mood about some stuff, and kind of took it out on you.”

        “And Scootaloo,” he said, waving me in. 

        “Okay,” I said, walking in and sitting next to him. “I wasn’t nice to anypony earlier today, but at least Scootaloo likes it when I’m not nice to her.” I sighed and waved a hoof. “And yeah, if you want to say that’s really messed up or whatever, you’re probably right. Like, I think I’d be okay if we could just drop it… I don’t know, I kind of like being in control and…” I looked at him. “Sorry, you’re not my therapist. Anyways, I wanted to apologize, and I kind of hope we can be friends even if we got off to a pretty awful start.”

        He shrugged. “Sure,” he said, looking at me. “You seem… really crazy, but you might be okay, too. Besides, I had four sisters, I’m used to crazy.” Well, that was super sexist. Why was crazy limited to mares? I rolled my eyes but decided not to say anything else. Besides, he was just a stallion. What did he know about mares? He probably knows a bit about Scootaloo.

        I tilted my head. That wasn’t the worst idea I had. It wasn’t even the worst idea I had, ignoring the dark years. “Could you… help me with Scootaloo?” I asked. “I know it’s probably a little crazy because the two of you used to date, and I don’t know how you feel about her now, I just…” I sighed. “I just really want this to work out for us, and if you can offer me some help, I’d be stupid to ignore it.”

        “Well...” He looked up from whatever thing he had in front of him and turned to face me. “I suppose, if you really wanted to make it work, you could try growing a–”

        “Something possible, please!” I said, keeping him from finishing the thought. The gross, gross thought. Seriously, why would any mare be interested in that?

        “That’s all I can think of,” Rusty said, going back to look at the chunk of metal he was… doing something to. Welding? “Honestly, I’m kind of impressed you’re managing to make it work at all. Scootaloo’s not exactly a switch hitter. She goes one way.”

        “Obviously not,” I snorted, rolling my eyes. “She’s with me, and… once she understands all the awesome things two mares can do together, she’ll see how pointless stallions are, and everything’ll be fine.”

        He looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “We’re pointless now?”

        I nodded. “A little. Like, I’m sure you and most stallions are nice or whatever, but we don’t really need you. There’s magical fertilization now so two mares can have a baby, but you can’t do the same thing with two stallions, and…” I trailed off, trying to remember how that worked, and one of the few thoughts that had stuck with me from the dark times. “So, every mare that gets magically fertilized, they have a mare, right? Because of genetics? So, they’re having mares, and straight couples, they’ve got a fifty percent chance of having mares, so every generation, there are more mares, fewer stallions, and eventually… If you had the chance to be born as a mare, you’d totally take it, right?”

        “What?! No,” Rusty shouted. “Wow, you’re not just a lesbian, you’re like, super-ultra-mega-lesbian, or something. Can you even understand why a mare would want a stallion?”

        I tilted my head and frowned. “They don’t know any better? I guess they could end up together because they’re friends and have some connection, but…”

        “Okay, out,” he said, getting up and pointing a hoof at the door. “Out of my room before I do something really stupid. You can’t just barge into my room and start insulting stallions everywhere. What would you do if I said mares were only good for making foals?”

        “I’d laugh in your face,” I said. “Equestria’s led by mares. The saviors of Equestria are mares. You owe your existence to mares. What do stallions do but act like jerks? No, seriously, what do they even do? Because I’ve lived my whole life and haven’t noticed anything special about you. Any reason for you to exist. We don’t need you.” My eye twitched as a vision of Mom appeared.

        “Sweetie, darling, is it perhaps possible you’re taking other frustrations out on him?” Mom asked. “Considering your behavior, I think he’s been rather civil.”

        Ugh, she was right. I sighed while he glared at me and pointed at the door. “Look, I’m sorry,” I said.

        “Yeah, you started with that earlier, and that went real well. Are you going to end this one by saying all stallions should be sent to the moon?” he said, not budging. I had kind of screwed up my first apology, hadn’t I?

        “No,” I said, shaking my head. “Okay, I personally don’t get stallions. That’s me. That doesn’t mean you’re bad, and there are probably a lot of reasons mares would want to be with a stallion, I just… can’t think of one? Like, growing up, I spent more time with drakes than stallions, so…”

        His glare lost some of its harshness as he raised an eyebrow. “Drake?”

        “It’s…” The words stumbled in my head. “Drakes are to dragons like stallions are to ponies.” Not the shortest way to say it, but it got the point across.

        “How does that even…” he mouthed some more words, and I tried not to roll my eyes.

        “My mom’s getting engaged to Princess Twilight, and she has a dragon… Assistant? Son? Brother? Something like that. Anyways, I spent more time with him than any of the stallions in my life.” He opened his mouth to say the obvious thing and I cut him or. “Including my dad.” Or granddad. 

        My ear twitched as I imagined a stupid follow-up comment. “So, maybe between me growing up surrounded by mares and being a ‘hardcore-super-ultra-mega lesbian,’ I just… I might say stupid things about stallions sometimes, okay? Let me know when I do, and I’ll apologize.”

        “Yeah, sure,” he said, shrugging, and I felt a flicker of irritation. I opened up with him, and he just gave me a ‘yeah, sure’? Right, because stallions couldn’t handle emotions unless it was angry or horny or–

        “Sweetie,” Mom said, giving me a look. I took a breath.

        “So…” I said, smiling. “Is there any advice you can give me on how to make things work with Scootaloo?”

        “Give up,” he said, sitting back down and looking at the metal thingy he was working on. “She’s never going to be attracted to you, just like you’re never going to be attracted to stallions. You can do all the trickery you want, but you’re never going to cross that gap.”

        That’s… “Yes, I will,” I said, clenching my jaw. “Look, you’re nice, I think, and maybe this is rude, but there is nothing you can do to her that I can’t, and I can do it better. She turns into a puddle at my command, there’s…” I turned around and stomped off. “You’ll see. She’ll look at me like she used to look at you, and you’ll see how much she loves me.” I paused and looked back at him. “Sorry, I really do want us to be friends, though. Maybe it will go better if we talk about things that aren’t my relationship with Scootaloo?”

        “Just stay out of my room,” he said, lighting up his horn and slamming the door in my face. Really? After I’d gone out of my way to be nice to him?

        “That’s you being nice?” the young version of me asked, sticking her head down out of the ceiling. “When did we get so sour?”

        I pulsed my horn to disappear her and made sure I was smiling when I entered Scootaloo’s room. She’d put herself back together a bit, and could actually track my movement when I entered the room. “Let’s do something fun tonight,” I said, sitting down at the foot of the bed. “What do you want to do?”

        She lifted her head up off the pillow. “I actually have a race tonight,” she said, voice raspier than usual. “I was hoping it would be okay with you if I went.”

        Wait, why did she care what I thought? “Of course you can,” I said, frowning. “You don’t need to ask me about it.”

        “Just wanted to make sure you wouldn’t go all crazy and come up with some punishment,” she said, letting her head fall down.

        “Okay, wait,” I said, trotting up next to her. “I’m not going to punish you for doing something you want to do. I think – I’m not sure, but I think – this is important to you. I’m not going to get in the way of it because of our game.” I smiled, time to be the good supportive marefriend, and show Rusty how much better I was. “I want you to be happy, I want you to do the things you love, and I’ll totally support you with this racing thing. Speaking of, tell me a bit more about it. Are there going to be bleachers where I can sit and watch you?”

        She shook her head. “No, it’s… kind of not technically legal, but as long as we keep it late at night when most cabs are off the road and keep it to under ten times a season, the cops don’t care too much.”

I grinned and bounced in the air with giddiness. “Ooh, my marefriend’s an underground street racer? That’s so hot. Do you have an outfit? Something cool? Maybe faux leather? Ooh! Something like what the Wonderbolts wear.”

“That’s…” She sighed. “Yes, I have some gear I wear, okay, but it’s only because when you get going that fast, you need a little protection.” She trotted to her closet (not a walk-in) and pulled out a purple suit with a lightning bolt superimposed on top of a wing emblem on her chest, and a helmet to match. “Like it?”

“I do,” I said, leaning in to investigate it. The belly of the suit was a light pink, so the purple wing could stand out more. “Wait! You used my mane colors!”

 She grinned. “Maybe. Maybe I just thought it was a cool look.” There was a pause and she laughed. “Actually, this is the third suit I got. The first one was red and black, because I thought that was just the awesomest color scheme out there. Then, I saw a bunch of other edgy teens wearing basically the same outfit and changed it.”

I laughed. “Well, I definitely like the change.” I pointed a hoof at the symbol. “Where did you come up with this?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know, it just kind of felt right, you know?”

“Well, it definitely looks good,” I said, holding the suit in my hoof. “I don’t think Mom could’ve done better, although I don’t know if she works with leather – faux leather, she definitely doesn’t work with regular leather. Only griffons do that, right?”

“Do I look like I know about griffon fashion stuff? What’s the difference between real leather and faux leather, anyways?” she asked. My ears went flat and I looked away for a second.

“Oh, you don’t know?” I asked. Why would she? Most ponies didn’t deal with regular leather; everything here was faux leather for really obvious reasons. I only knew about it because I heard Mom complain about how barbarous it was that griffons still used it. “It’s… It’s tanned hide. I think it’s usually cowhide, but I’m not sure.” Scootaloo’s face went green. “But you shouldn’t have to worry about that, it’s really illegal to sell in Equestria.”

“That’s… ugh!” Scootaloo gagged and her ears went flat. “Why did ponies start wearing the stuff in the first place?”

“I don’t know,” I said, shrugging. “Maybe we thought it looked good, or maybe hundreds of years ago, we didn’t care as much. Some of those wars were really brutal, it wouldn’t be too crazy if ponies from back then wore animal skins. Then, when we civilized up, we still liked the look of it. Anyways, your suit looks good.”

“Yeah,” she said, rubbing at the suit and looking off into space. I knew that look, she was headed deep into Scootaland, which was probably way happier than Sweetieland.

“So, do you win every race?” I asked, looking up at her and changing the topic. “I bet with your wings, you can just zip circles around everypony on a scooter.”

She grinned. “Yeah, I can. It’s a good way to make a bit of extra money.” She shot her hoof off into the air and made a zipping noise. “I don’t want to brag, but I’m pretty much the best racer around.”

I grinned back and tackled her, my lips pressed against hers a second later as she collapsed back onto the bed. “You don’t need to worry about bragging to me, I like it when you’re confident. Makes it all the funner when I have you begging at my hooves.” I straddled her with my back legs and pressed my heat against her. A kiss went to her neck. “So, how come you’re not racing professionally? I know there are scooter racing leagues, and I’m pretty sure you’re good enough to join.” And beat them all senseless. Being a professional racer probably paid better than being a courier, and that meant we could maybe get a bigger apartment. Without Rusty.

Of course, you could always just go back to the penthouse. You’re still paying the mortgage. I nodded. We could do that too. I’d have to sleep there, anyways, since it had an empty bed. If I wanted to sleep here, I could either take the couch or sleep on top of Scootaloo. Actually…

“Because,” Scootaloo said. “In case you don’t remember, I had a pretty important appointment to keep, and didn’t want something that big and distracting.” My barrage of kisses finally managed to melt the tension of my touch, and she even nuzzled my neck. She must be in a good mood. She’s giving affection instead of taking it. I ignored the thought and enjoyed the touch. Progress.

“So… basically, a bunch of reasons that don’t matter anymore,” I said, grinning.

“Yeah, but we can wait. Let’s focus on getting you okay, and then I can kick all sorts of flank. We’ve got time,” she said. My lip twitched. I was trying to be a good supportive marefriend, but instead, she was being stupid and difficult and making it all about how I needed to recover. I was doing better. A lot better..

“Fine,” I said, hopping off her. “It can wait.” I turned back to the mirror. “We have a few hours until we have to leave?”

“Uhh… yeah,” she said. I could see the her on the other side of the mirror looking at me in confusion. “Are you alright?”

“No, I’m fine,” I said, looking at myself. “I just have something to do and it can’t wait.”

She sighed and got to her hooves. “Really, you’re going to get mad at me for being nice? For trying to think about you instead of just doing whatever I want? Because if I did that, I wouldn’t have been there when you needed me.”

I stomped a hoof. “Well, I don’t need you anymore.” I winced and my anger deflated. “Of course, I need you,” I said, voice softer. “And I love being with you, I just hate how you’re always so…”

“So what?” Scootaloo said, voice rising. Good, time for the second fight of the day. Maybe we could set a record for most fights in a day. “So caring about you? So not wanting you to run off and ruin your life again? Yeah, I get how you hate ponies trying to care about you. It’s awful, isn’t it?”

“It is!” I said, whirling around to stare her down. “Everyday, worrying about disappointing you and Mom. It’s this constant stupid tension in my brain. Every day, I have you two in my head telling me what I can’t do, and it’s… You know, I’m almost happy Mom’s gone, because I don’t have to worry about her judging me all the time.”

Scootaloo laughed fire. “What the actual hell, Sweetie? You think we’re judging you? We just want you to be better, and instead you get all these crazy ideas. Next, you’re going to be saying how we all secretly hate you.”

That was– I froze and took a breath. Another breath. Another. “Alright, you’re right,” I said, ears drooping low. “I’m dumb and crazy, and you’re right, and I’m sorry, I just… I don’t like that you’re not doing all the things you want because of me.” I took a step closer to her. “I want to be a good supportive marefriend.” I grinned. “You know, when I’m not bossing you around and having you play all our fun games.”

She smiled and hugged hr. She eventually returned it. “Why don’t we spend a few more weeks working on you, and then after my summer camping trip, we can…” My ears perked up.

“Camping trip?” I asked, tilting my head. “Like our old Ponyville camping trips?”

“Exactly like that,” Scootaloo said, nodding and putting her outfit back in the closet. “AB and I kept going camping after you left, and it got a lot more extreme than just going to Ponyville’s backyard. This year, we’re going to Glacier Park near the Crystal Empire. It’s going to be pretty cool.”

I giggled. “With a name like Glacier Park, it sure sounds like it will be. Can I come?”

Scootaloo looked to her closet for a second and away from me. “It’s a bit rougher than just walking through Whitetail Woods,” she said. “You know, it’s cold, and we might have to deal with some rocky passes on our hike. If you want, you can just spend some time with your Mom in Ponyville, it’ll probably be more your speed.”

“And just what does that mean?” I asked, stomping towards her. “You don’t think I can do it just because it’s outdoors-ey?”

She tilted her head and stared at me. “Well… yeah,” she said. “Nothing against you, but this is going to be tough. Apple Bloom and I spend a lot of time working out, and Life Bloom’s tougher than she looks. You spent the last three years going between a penthouse and a stage, and the closest you came to a workout was front-page news. If it wasn’t so taxing, I’d be fine with it, but we’re going to mountains on the frozen edge of Equestria. It’s not a walk in the park.”

I laughed and felt like I was about to crack. “You don’t think I’m tough enough?” I ran a hoof through my mane. “Have you seen everything I did? And I’m still here.” Thanks to her. “I’m not some porcelain doll that’ll break if you play with me too rough. You know that’s not true, so stop babying me.”

“That’s…” She shook her head and bumped the closet closed with a hoof. “It’s a different type of tough. I’m not worried about you having some breakdown or anything, I just don’t think you’ll be able to keep up with us. That’s all.”

Oh? Was that all? I narrowed my eyes and stared at her. “I’m going.”

“But–” she started.

“I’m going.” We weren’t going to have anymore stupid debates. I was going camping with her, I was going to do everything she did, and she was going to eat her stupid words by the end of the trip. I tilted my head. “It’ll be fun to see Apple Bloom again.”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes and waved a hoof. “If you want to talk with Apple Bloom, you don’t need to go camping with us. We can show up a day early, have a nice dinner with everyone, and then you can go hang out with your Mom. There’ll probably be a lot of fun stuff for you to do at the castle, and the shopping scene in Ponyville’s expanded a lot in the last few years.”

Somehow, I managed to narrow my eyes even more without closing them, leaving a tiny little crack where green and black peeked out. “I’m. Going. Got it?”

She threw her head up in exasperation. “Why the hay do you have to be so stubborn? I’m just trying to take care of you.”

“Because I don’t need taking care of. I’m not some stupid filly, and I don’t need another manager.” I paused on the edge of not spitting out my next words. “I don’t need another Bright Lights.”

“That’s…” Scootaloo stammered. “She was trying to control every bit of your life. I’m trying to help you. There’s a big difference.”

“Funny,” I said, looking at her. “She said the same thing.” I pitched my voice to sound like the living embodiment of evil. “‘Oh, Sweetie, I’m just trying to take care of you. All I want is to see you happy.’ And it’s funny, you both try to make it sound like I need you, like I’m too broken or stupid to do what’s best for me without your help. Well…” I paused and steadied myself for the next words. “Guess what? I’m not stupid, and I’m not broken like you think I am.” No, you’re broken in a different way. “Shut up.” I blinked. “Not you, the voice in my head.”

“Really? You’re not broken? Because just a few hours ago, you were saying something else,” she said, pointing an accusing hoof at my flank.

“And you said I wasn’t!” I yelled, eyes wide and snorting, looking like one of those crazy bulls in a cartoon, with imagined smoke shooting out of my nostrils. “So, which is it? Were you lying then or are you lying now?”

“I said you were getting better!” Scootaloo said, snapping back. Hopefully, Rusty had cast another noise spell on himself. He’d probably need to cast more than a few. And you’re on your third fight of the day with the only mare in Equestria who loves you enough to stand being in the same room as you. Good job. “I said you were getting better, but that doesn’t mean… You’re not perfect. You’re not indestructible. You still need help.”

“Fine, help me, whatever,” I said, turning away from her and throwing my hooves in the air. “Help your poor broken marefriend. Tell me what I can and can’t do for the rest of my life.” I hopped into her bed and kicked my way under the covers. “And just to be extra safe, I’ll stay in bed unless you tell me to go out. We wouldn’t want something bad to happen to me, would we?” I turned away from her and pressed my lips tight to hide my smile. If she wanted to fight, if she wanted to pull out all the stops and go for a stupid cheap shot like that, I’d show her the other things Bright Lights’d taught me.

“Sweetie, I…” I heard the sound of hoofsteps moving towards me, and soon a hoof was on my shoulder. “You know that’s not what I want, I just want what’s best for you.”

“Bright Lights said the same thing,” I said, pulling away from her and doing my best to sound completely shattered. Not much of a challenge for you. “Just admit it, you’ll only be happy if you can control every bit of my life. ‘For my own good,’ that’s always how she put it.”

She laughed and moved to sit down. “You know that’s not what I want, okay? I like you strong and assertive. I want you to be you. I’m just worried about you going on the trip, that’s all.”

The silence dragged as I chose my words, the next part was tricky, it was the reversal, and nothing else mattered if I couldn’t pull it off. “But I’ll have you with me on the trip, right? You’re not planning on leaving me alone in the woods?”

“Well, if you went, of course, I’d stay close to you, but…”

I grinned and spoke before she could refocus. “So, I’d have you with me the whole time, and it’s not like I’m afraid of dirt like my mom is. I can spend some time roughing it.” I’m spending time in your apartment, aren’t I? “If my Mom could do Rainbow Falls, I can do Glacier Park.”

“Yeah, but it’s a lot rougher than–” I rolled over and kissed her before she could see my grin, wrapping my arms tight around her. 

“I can rough it.” I giggled for her. “In fact, I bet you’d agree that I’m pretty good at roughing it.” I stroked her with a hoof, and she tensed again.

“You’d have to sleep in an actual tent, not that thing your Mom used on her trip. It’ll just be some fabric, a cushion, and your sleeping bag between you and the dirt,” she said, resistance crumbling, before shaking her head. “And… it’s actually dangerous. Cold, and there’s wildlife, and the terrain isn’t going to be anything like around Ponyville. It’s going to be rocky. We might have to do some rock climbing.”

“Yeah, but I’ll have you, and you can take care of me, right? Or were you lying? Because if you just say you don’t think you can keep me safe on a little camping trip, then I won’t bring it up again,” I said, nuzzling her neck so she couldn’t see my smirk. She pulled her head back, and my face switched back to looking sad.

“Of course, I can take care of you,” she said, radiating confidence. “That’s not the problem–”

“Then what is?” I asked, tilting my head. “If I can handle roughing it, and you won’t have a problem keeping me safe, why are you so worried?”

She sighed and crumbled, defeated. “Fine, you can go, but you have to do everything I say, got it?”

I grinned at her. “Everything?” I stretched the word out to encompass forever, so she could get all the implications.

“Everything that has to do with survival,” she added. “But you’ve gotta promise me that, alright?”

“Deal!” I said, beaming and hugging her tight and pressing my lips up against hers in a quick kiss before she could flinch away. 

“There,” I said when it finally broke. “We sealed it with a kiss, so that means neither of us can back out. We’ve both got to honor our ends of the bargain.” 

“Sweetie, I don’t think that’s an actual thing,” she said, shaking her head. “Did you just make that up?”

“Maybe,” I said, laughing. “But we can make it a thing. If you want. Or we can think of other ways to seal the deal.” I purred to let her know the direction my mind bent in. It always worked best if you did it that way. How many times did Bright Lights throw me a party after I agreed to go along with her? Something big and decadent to make me forget I ever disagreed with her in the first place.

“Sweetie Belle, what did you just think?” my mother asked, storming through the door. I sighed.

“One minute,” I said, getting to my hooves and trotting passed my mom towards the door, leaving Scootaloo behind. “I need to think some things out.” I waved a hoof at Mom. “Come on, I’m sure she’ll be popping out any time, so we can have a big talk.” In a really tiny bathroom. At least they weren’t going to take up actual space.

“Sweetie!” Scootaloo said following after me. “Are you alright?”

I stopped and rolled my eyes so hard, they could have burst out of their socket. Wasn’t she supposed to be smarter than me? I definitely remember her being smarter than me when I was younger. At least she realized what she’d said a minute later, and tacked on some explanation. “You know what I mean. Can you talk to me about what’s bugging you instead of locking yourself up?”

“Nope,” I said, grabbing the bathroom door handle and looking back at her. “I can’t talk to you about something until I know what I think about it, so I have to sort that out first. I promise, it’s nothing that big, I just need to think.” Liar. Well, it sounded better than ‘I’m worried our relationship is turning me into Bright Lights.’ She probably wouldn’t take that well, especially since I just accused her of being Bright Lights.

“It’s good to see I made such an impression on your psyche,” Bright Lights said, sitting triumphantly in the bathtub. Look, Scootaloo’s bathroom is really small, and my hallucination had to make do with what she had. At least she wasn’t sitting on the bathroom’s throne, that would be awkward for a conversation. “A bit insulting to see what pale imitations my successors are, but they can’t all live up to my standard of excellence. At least, you’re making me proud.”

“Do I have to say anything?” Mom asked, trotting through me into the bathroom and making sure the toilet lid was closed. “If you have her approval, what more proof do you need that you’re acting in error?”

“Yeah, okay,” I said, kicking the bathroom door closed. “Sorry, Scootaloo! Just ignore me, and get ready for your race tonight. I promise I’ll be good by then.” I listened for a response. She didn’t say anything, which meant she agreed with me but hated to admit it. I turned back to Mom, who was doing her best to make herself sit comfortably on the set. “I get your point. I understand what you’re saying, but I’m doing what Scootaloo wants.”

“Really?” Mom asked, tilting her head. “So, Scootaloo wants you to manipulate her? She asked you to steal Bright Lights’ playbook to win your arguments? Arguments, I add, which are becoming alarmingly frequent.”

I shrugged at that. “You heard what she said. I wasn’t going to let her just tell me what to do! I had enough of that for a lifetime.” I paused, dropping my voice to a whisper in case somepony was tricking me and listening outside the door. I wouldn’t put it past her. Because she cares about you. And who asked you? “She called me broken.”

“And she clarified what she meant. It’s not like she has a monopoly on saying things in the heat of the moment,” Mom said, staring at me with wide compassionate eyes, while Bright Lights just sat there, smirking. That was… Yeah, I’d said some things I’d need to apologize for, too, even if we weren’t counting how I’d twisted her around like she was my puppet.

“And to be fair,” Bright Lights said... 

“You are broken,” we both finished. I tilted my head and looked at her. “I think you need to get newer material. I’ve kind of heard it all, now. Which, I guess considering I wrote it all, makes sense. Still, could you maybe mix it up a bit?”

“I’m here to offer my moral support, for once,” Bright Lights said, waving a hoof. “I just couldn’t pass up the low-hanging fruit when it presented itself. Call it force of habit.” And my self-loathing was agreeing with me. Or maybe she wasn’t my self-loathing. Was she something else? Like my evil side? What would my evil side look like? Look in the mirror.

The mare in the mirror rolled her eyes. “Sorry, I don’t think hating everything you’ve ever done counts as evil, considering you ruined our lives. I’m the good Sweetie.” My horn pulsed, and at least one hallucination went away. Out of all my hallucinations, she was the one I liked least. And what does that say about you? Nothing. Shut up. Also, thanks for reminding me that she’s my second least favorite.

“Where were we?” I asked, shaking my head and looking at Mom.

“You were trying to justify your actions, while Bright Lights showered you with praise,” Mom said, waving a hoof at the mare sitting in the tub.

“And you’re that much better?” I asked, turning on her. “Just because you’re in the perfect little relationship now, you think you can judge everypony else? I bet you lied to Applejack all the time.”

Mom laughed and shook her head. “And that shows just how little you understood about our dynamic. No, Applejack and I were always honest with each other. Brutally honest to the point of bordering on sadism, perhaps, but honest.”

“Great, well since I don’t want to spend forever fighting with Scootaloo, I think I’ll just stick with lying when she gets dumb,” I said, keeping my voice low and turning the fan on. The fan in my bathroom was almost silent. Scootaloo’s wasn’t. I guess there was an upside to her apartment.

“Absolutely right,” Bright Lights said, summoning a drink in her hooves. “I knew that Element of Honesty was overrated. Maybe you can see about introducing the Element of White Lies.”

“Could you please shut up?” I asked, looking at her. “I’m trying to convince my mom that I’m right, and you’re kind of not helping.”

“You mean you’re trying to convince yourself,” Mom said. “If you didn’t have doubts, I wouldn’t be here.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do?” I asked, shaking my head. What? She just wanted me to let Scootaloo keep being wrong and dumb? I ended our fight, and wasn’t that you were supposed to do with them? “Not try to persuade them? Because I don’t see a difference between what I do and what you’re trying to do. We’re both trying to manipulate ponies for our own benefit, but when you do it, it’s supposed to be okay.”

“Sweetie, I know you can understand the difference between manipulating somepony and having an honest discussion to try and explain yourself,” Mom said, staring at me. “I know it, because I know it.”

“But she’s so good at it,” Bright Lights said, her drink having turned into a pendant with my cutie mark emblazoned on it. “She can convince anypony of anything, and she can convince herself even faster.” Her eyes glinted, and she cackled. “Maybe that’s what her mark means. It’s a siren’s song, luring ponies into her clutches. She did get it for manipulating all her friends into having the perfect day. How many lies did she tell that day?”

“That’s…” I turned from Mom to her. “I didn’t lie to them. Don’t you dare try to take that day away from me. To turn it into another awful thing I did. I’m so…” I sat down on the bathroom floor and tried not to think of when was the last time it was cleaned. “That’s one of the few things I’m still proud of.”

“And you should be,” Bright Lights said, nodding her head. “You brought happiness to your friends and all of Ponyville. You arranged a perfect day for everypony you loved, and I won’t fault you for that, but don’t delude yourself into thinking you achieved that end through honest means. You lied to and manipulated them just as surely as you’re manipulating Scootaloo now.” She smirked. “Or did you tell them just how you learned what they wanted?”

“That’s not…” I looked back to Mom for support. “It was different, right?”

“Why do you care?” Mom asked, tilting her head. “If talking with a pony’s the same as lying to them, then why does the idea that you might have manipulated your friends concern you? You knew what was best for them and gave it to them, just like you know what’s best for Scootaloo now.”

The world tilted as something stabbed into my head. It was right, wasn’t it? I did kind of manipulate them then, and I was doing the same thing now, and it was definitely okay then, right? Like, I got my cutie mark for it, so it had to be, and if it was…

Bright Lights laughed while Mom’s eyes went wide. “I win,” she gloated to my Mom. “One more point for me, please, putting the score at… How many points am I winning by?”

“Sweetie,” Mom said, fading away. “That wasn’t what I was trying to get you to realize. Think of the motive. Think of–” I couldn’t hear her anymore. Everything I’d done was a manipulation. How many times had Bright Lights told me that to convince me how selfish and bad I was, but maybe it was my talent, or at least part of it. Even singing was kind of a manipulation, wasn’t it? My songs could make them stomp and cheer or break their hearts, depending on what I wanted.

I want.

The phrase rang in my ears. “You must be the most selfish pony in Equestria,” Bright Lights said, repeating the words she told me to make me fall and forget myself. I wanted and I knew how to get what I wanted. It was part of the talent stamped on my flank, but not all of it. That was the key. There was more. I got it for making ponies happy, too. For giving them what I wanted. I blinked. Giving them what they wanted. 

Ugh, and Bright Lights made me realize the hidden half of my cutie mark – not just the singer, but the manipulator. Well, if that’s what I was. I sat up straight and looked at my reflection. She nodded her approval. I stood and left the bathroom, trotting to where Scootaloo was doing one-hoofed push ups in our bedroom. She got to her hooves and turned to me, I wrapped her in a hug. “Sorry for being a little crazy today,” I said, smiling, calm seeping into me as a laugh bubbled up. “Or a lot of days, I guess. I think I’m better, though. Anyways, starting today, I’m going to make up for all the terrible stuff I put you through.”

“Sweetie, you don’t have to make anything up to me, just be happy,” Scootaloo said, annoyingly selfless. Between her and Mom, couldn’t they just want something so I could give it to them? You know, something beyond just me being happy.

“I know,” I said, flicker of annoyance passing in a second as the calm stifled it, easy smile making itself home on my face. “And I appreciate it, but I want you to get what you want. I want you to do more with your life than just play my caretaker. You deserve everything you want.”  Sure, Bright Lights told me the same thing, but I meant it. That was the difference, and that made all the difference. 

Scootaloo studied me, looking for anything off, any sign I was about to become Bad Sweetie again. Or maybe that I was trying to hide Crazy Sweetie. She wouldn’t find either, anymore. “You’re sure you’re alright?” she asked. I just nodded and tried not to laugh. Was seeing me calm that weird it made her think something was wrong. I blinked. Actually, it probably was.

“Alright,” Scootaloo said slowly, keeping her eyes on me like I’d turn into some monster or disappear in a puff of smoke if she looked away for a second. “So, I guess you had a good talk with yourself?”

“Yes,” I said, nodding my head. “And I have this funny little feeling that it might be the last one.” I laughed. “I could be wrong, but I feel really good right now. Like I figured out something important.”

“And what was that?” Scootaloo said, look softening and taking a step towards me as her worries and fears melted away. She was happy. I was making her happy, giving her what she needed to hear. What was nicer than that? 

“Who I’m supposed to be,” I said, nuzzling her neck. She tensed at the touch. Of course, she did. She didn’t want soft and tender, she wanted dominant and forceful. My lip twitched. She’d get what she wanted. I drew away. “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I think I finally have an answer.”

“Yeah, cool,” she said, rubbing her head. “Any chance you want to tell me just who that is?”

“Sweetie Belle,” I said, still smiling at her. “That’s all I really can be, right? Just, a different type of Sweetie. Not the one who twisted herself into being happy all the time, and definitely not the one who lived in the penthouse, but somewhere in between.” A Sweetie who views ponies as toys to be manipulated. Oh, good, the voice in my head was already back. Guess that made me even more of a liar. “I think that’s a good thing to be.”

“Uhmm… Sweetie,” Scootaloo said. “That doesn’t actually tell me anything.”

I laughed. “Then I guess you’ll have to see for yourself.” I gave the confident grin I knew electrified her. The one that could push her to the boundary of her subspace by itself. She had to go where she wouldn’t question me. “I promise you’ll like it.” She has to.

“Sweetie Belle,” Mom’s voice rang in my ears. “This isn’t a new bold direction you’re heading off in, it’s a disastrous repetition, and you know it.” 

“No, it’s not,” I said in my head, keeping half my mind on Mom and half on Scootaloo. To keep her distracted, I pressed my lips up against hers and backed her into the wall. “It’s… I’m doing what she wants. I’m making her happy.” I wanted to laugh, but I didn’t. Laughing and making out didn’t go well at all. “It’s what I’m best at, and… and seeing her like putty in my hooves, that makes me happy, too. What’s wrong if we’re both happy?”

She sighed as Scootaloo sighed for a different reason. “Sweetie Belle, just… be honest with yourself. Promise me you won’t delude yourself like you did before,” Mom said, exasperation obvious in her voice. 

I mentally agreed. That was… Yeah, maybe part of my talent was lying to other ponies, but I’d done lying to myself, and that wasn’t so fun. “So, you’re willing to acknowledge that by lying to and manipulating Scootaloo to make her happy, you’re functionally doing the same thing to her that Bright Lights did to you?”

“If it makes her happy, I guess I am,” I said in my head. “It gives us both what we want, right? And it’s not like Bright Lights, where–”

“Allow me to stop you there, Sweetie,” Mom’s voice said while my hoof ran down to Scootaloo’s flank. Okay, talking with my mom while making out with Scootaloo… I searched for another voice to fill the role, and finally found one that would do okay.

“It’s worth noting you’re judging yourself by your intentions, but Bright Lights solely by her actions,” Life Bloom said in my head. “And judged solely by your actions, the two of you are behaving identically, both manipulating your partner to your own ends under the guise of benefitting them.”

Okay, maybe using a pony known for her brutal honesty wasn’t my best idea. Still… “One minute,” I purred into Scootaloo’s ear. “I think I’ve given you more than enough today, and I wouldn’t want to distract you before your race.”

“Oh, yeah,” Scootaloo said, blinking her eyes as her head cleared. She let herself slump against me. “Good call.”

“Of course, it is,” I said, trotting away from her. “But don’t worry, I’ve got something in mind for when we get back, although…” I made a show of looking around. “Nevermind, I think this room is just a bit too small. Forget I said anything.”

“Wait!” she said, taking a step after me. “We could always go back to your penthouse tonight. It’d probably be better if we did that, anyways. We’ll be getting back kind of late, and I wouldn’t want to wake up Rusty.”

I looked away from the mirror so Scootaloo couldn’t see my smile and I couldn’t see her judgment. This is what I was good at. It was my talent. I had to do my talent, and it could make Scootaloo happy. That wasn’t bad? That wasn’t bad.

“If you’re sure,” I said, exhaling my doubts for a second. “I wouldn’t want to tell you what to do.” I swished my tail. “Well, except for when I do.”

“No, it’s fine,” Scootaloo said while I headed to the door to go… somewhere? Outside of her room. “Although, I probably should start getting ready and see if Rusty’ll give my scooter one last check.” My eye twitched. She was going to see Rusty without me. What did they talk about? What was he going to tell her? Why had I trusted him?

“Because you were trying to be honest after deception almost destroyed your life,” Mom said, popping into existence right in front of me. 

“Not fair,” I whispered under my breath, while Scootaloo went to get her scooter. I took another step to the bathroom. “I’m just doing what I’m good at. It’s not my fault I have a special talent that’s all about lying.” How come my good mood only lasted for a few minutes? Now the voices were back in full force, and this time, it was my mom leading the charge against me, while Bright Lights was completely quiet. And what does that tell you? I groaned.

Mom just stared me as I walked through her and back into the bathroom. “It’s not my fault,” I said, kicking the door shut. “It’s my talent, isn’t it? I know how to get a pony to do what I want. I know what buttons to press on Scootaloo to make her happy, and isn’t that my talent? Manipulating them into being happy? Why do you have to make me feel awful about it?”

“Because a part of you does feel awful about it,” she said, waving a hoof as she followed me into the bathroom. I stepped into the tub so we could both stand  without stepping through each other. Bathrooms probably weren’t the best place for long talks with myself, but I wasn’t going to let Scootaloo hear them. And I thought I’d solved the voices in my head. “I don’t spring from nothing, Sweetie Belle. The rush of epiphany’s faded, and doubt returns to chip away at it. In this instance, I’m all for doubt.”

“But… I’m not hurting anypony,” I said, taking a seat. And spots in the tub were still wet. Gross. “I’m making her happy, aren’t I?”

“So did Bright Lights,” Mom said. “How many times did she assure you that she was working for your own good? It doesn’t change the fact she stripped away your will and turned you into…” She waved a hoof, and sent me back to the mess the penthouse was after my breakdown. “That thing. Is that what you wish for Scootaloo?”

“No…” I said, ears flat against my head. “I wouldn’t hurt her, I’m just doing what she wants, it’s not my fault, and it feels so good to…” I trailed off as Mom raised her eyebrows. 

“I believe we reach the core of the dilemma beneath all the justifications,” she said.

“Well, duh,” Bright Lights said, standing on the sink counter. “It’s all about what Sweetie wants. It always has been, but it’s fun seeing how she justifies it to herself. You know, I was right when I told you what a terrible pony you were. Doesn’t this prove it? Even after all the love you soaked up and absorbed, you still fall back into manipulation and deception.” She looked at my flank. “But what can you expect when you’ve got a siren’s mark on your side, leading good ponies to their doom.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “I thought you were–” I stopped before I could say “trying to help me.” Not that I needed to say it for them to know.

Bright Lights laughed. “But, Sweetie, I am trying to help you. Just, not towards good. I’m helping you accept your vile loathsomeness. To accept the fact that you’re a monster who manipulates ponies as easily as normal ponies breathe. Bludgeon your conscience and embrace yourself. There’s no point suffering anymore.”

“Please tell me you aren’t listening to a single one of her poisoned words,” Mom said, glaring at Bright Lights. “Sweetie, you’re better than her. You’re a good pony, no matter how much you convince yourself otherwise.”

“Am I?” I asked, tilting my head. “I don’t do good things, do I? And I like controlling Scootaloo, seeing her so helpless and bound and enthralled and…” I trailed off, fidgeting uncomfortably. “I do, but if it makes me like her–” I pointed a hoof at Bright Lights. “–Then maybe that’s what I am.”

“I know you don’t believe that,” Mom said, shaking her head and stepping forward to caress my cheek. “If you did, you wouldn’t have brought me here. Your heart knows the truth of it.”

“Alright,” Bright Lights said, shrugging her shoulders. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe you are good. Then give it up. Give up the only little thing that’s brought you happiness since you woke up. Give up that control.” She smirked. “But if you don’t give her what she wants, how long do you think Scootaloo will stay with you? What will you do when she begs you to dominate her? Resist?”

“Mom?” I asked, looking at her for some support. She had to know something that would help me. Instead, she just looked at me.

“It pains me to admit it, but perhaps she’s right, Sweetie,” Mom said before adding, “Not about you being a monster, but… perhaps it would be better for everypony if you and Scootaloo went back to just being friends.”

No.

I clenched my jaw and took a breath, drawing the two of them back into me where they belonged. That wasn’t going to happen. I wasn’t going to. Scootaloo loved me. I owed my life to her. I couldn’t hurt her. I took another breath as I felt Mom kick around in my head before she calmed down. I closed my eyes and slumped against the wall.

“It’s fine, Sweetie,” I said to myself. “It’s fine, it’s fine. We like it, she likes it. Everypony’s happy. Everypony’s happy, and nopony’s getting hurt. Nopony at all.” I laughed and my voice dropped to a whisper. “Nopony at all.” I got to my hooves. “And now, we’re going to be there for her, be the best marefriend we can, she’s going to absolutely love it, and we’ll both be so happy we can barely stand it.” My smile flickered like a dying fire. “And to show her just how much I love her, I’m going to plan something really… just great for her after the race.” Like maybe trying out one of my whips… or putting her in that one outfit I got.

“Oh, Scootaloo,” I said, trotting out of the bathroom. “I’m ready whenever you are.”

> 12. Apophenia
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        We walked to the race start, my coat getting kind of hot in the late-spring humidity. “Why are you even dressed up?” Scootaloo asked, walking next to me in her race suit. “You don’t have to wear anything, and that can’t be comfortable.”

        I shrugged, hiding my discomfort. “It’s fine,” I said. “And this way, if I want to buy something while you’re out racing, I’ll have the bits on me.”

        She rolled her eyes, while keeping her helmet balanced on her back. “Sweetie, it’s almost one in the morning. I don’t think many stores are going to be open. Plus, you could just wear a coin purse.”

        “But they’re so ugly,” I said, shaking my head. “At best, they hang around your neck like a collar, and at worst, they mess up all your lines and symmetry. I think I’ll just stick with a coat or saddlebags.”

        “You know,” she said, laughing, “if you said that in a weird accent and talked a bit more–” She lilted her voice. “–sophisticated, darling, you’d sound exactly like your mom.”

        “I’ll take that as a compliment,” I said, nodding my head as we walked. “Since she is the best mom in all of Equestria.” I glanced at Scootaloo, who was giving me a look. “Maybe tied for first. Hey! When am I going to meet your parents?”

        “That’s…” she sped up. “That might not be a great idea right now. Mom’s kind of tough.” Translation: She hates you for what you put me through.

        “Yeah, well, maybe soon?” I asked, ignoring the translation. “We’re going on that camping trip soon, maybe we could do before or after that.”

        “I’ll see,” Scootaloo said, shaking her head as we joined a crowd of ponies looking various types of… I don’t want to be judgmental, but they definitely wouldn’t fit in with Ponyville. Maybe I just wasn’t used to seeing ponies with more piercings than legs, and hair that looked more like Spike’s spikes than any regular pony hairstyle. It was fine, though, I just wasn’t used to the punk style. They were all probably really nice ponies. There was a commotion in the distance as two ponies started swinging at each other.

        “Don’t worry,” Scootaloo whispered in my ear. “Those two… they do that at pretty much every race, but they’ll be drinking each other under the table by the time we’re done.” Drinks? There were drinks?

        I laughed and smiled at her. “Sounds like fun.” I blinked and Scootaloo just stared at me like I’d started speaking Prench. “Not the fighting part… Or the drinking each other under the table part, but… You know, the whole atmosphere is just so different.”

        “And you like it?” Scootaloo asked, raising an eyebrow as a hulking mare who was almost completely covered in tattoos trotted through us. My head whipped around to follow her as she went, watching her disappear in the crowd as my heart thudded.

        “You know,” I said, feeling slightly flushed. “It’s definitely different than what I’m used to, and that’s… That can be good.”

        “Can I take you anywhere without you getting turned on by some weird thing?” Scootaloo asked. I shook my head. “Fine, what is it this time? The tattoos? The piercings?”

        “Those are definitely… nice,” I said, nodding my head and looking around. “But almost everypony here has tattoos and piercings, and while it would definitely be fun to take one of them to the castle to meet Mom – you know, if I wasn’t dating you – I was kind of more interested in her size. Like, just to date somepony so much bigger than you, and you can do all these neat things with that, plus with all her muscles, I bet she could toss me around like a doll or something.” My eyes glinted. “If I was still with Bright Lights, I’d definitely have her set me up with a mare like her just to see all the…” I stared at Scootaloo, who was… if I was speaking Prench before, then now I was speaking one of those weird dead languages nopony actually knew. “What? You never imagined what it would be like to be with a mare a lot bigger than you, like a Saddle Arabian?”

        “You know I haven’t fantasized about a mare, Sweetie,” Scootaloo said, looking ahead to where a bunch of ponies with scooters on their back were drifting towards the middle of the street and setting up.

        I nodded. “Believe me, I know,” I said, before smiling. “But I know you will one day, and that’s really all that matters.” I paused. “Or are you not having fun?”

        “No, it’s definitely fun,” she said, trotting towards the other racers. I tried to follow, but she gestured for me to stay back. “Just… I still don’t see mares like you do. I don’t think I have it in me to start drooling over some cute mare in public.”

        “Your loss,” I said, shrugging. “It’s really fun.” Scootaloo stopped, at the edge of the street and turned around to look at me.

        “Yeah, well, maybe I’ll try to describe what I get whenever I look at some chiseled stallion,” she said, grinning. “You might like it more than you think.”

        I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, that’ll happen.” I smiled for her. “Anyways, good luck with your race. I’ll be good while you’re gone.”

        “You better,” she said, shaking her head and laughing. “Or else when I get back, I’ll–”

        “You’ll what?” I said, switching from Good Marefriend Sweetie to Mistress Sweetie in a breath. “Tell me what you’ll do, and then I’ll tell you everything I’ll do in return.” I smirked. I was going to be nice for her race, but then she wanted to act like she could get the upper hoof on me. Hopefully, humiliation made her race faster. “And I’ll win. In fact, why don’t I start by telling your friends all the things you beg me to do.” I pitched my voice up towards the end, so anypony nearby could hear me. Scootaloo’s face burned scarlet.

        “Please don’t,” she said, her voice a whisper as a few stallions at the race line turned to look at us. One whispered something and the others laughed.

        “Beg me to kiss you,”  I whispered.

        She gulped, taking one step back off the curb, sending her helmet to the ground.. “Sw– Sweetie… please kiss me,” she said, her voice little more than a whisper.

        “Loooouuudeeerrr,” I sing-songed.

        “Please, Sweetie, kiss me,” she said, just loud enough that the growing circle of ponies around us could hear. 

        I tilted my head. I could make her beg more, get down on her forehooves and kiss the asphalt, while keeping her flank proudly in the air, but… I was feeling nice tonight. I launched forward and wrapped my forelegs around her as my lips sealed against hers and my tongue dashed into her mouth. A hoof went to stroke her flank and tail, and as she melted to my touch, I lowered her down onto the ground, feeling the eyes of a hundred ponies burning on us. If my mouth was free, I would have beamed at the attention, but instead I just imagined what was going on in Scootaloo’s head. The fear, the embarrassment, the shame at being humiliated in front of her friends and losing her reputation. She’d probably never been more turned on. 

        She squirmed beneath me as I moved to straddle her, limbs slowing as the kiss stretched on, and my hooves continued to caress her. Her squirming eventually stopped, and I pulled away from her, looking around to see the ponies staring at me and Scootaloo. I grinned at them. I could be a bit nice to Scootaloo now. “Yeah, so?” I asked, looking at the crowd. “She likes humiliating herself at my hooves, but she’s still going to kick all your flanks, so what does that say about you?” I leaned down to give Scootaloo one more kiss and turned around, swishing my tail in her face as I left. “Good luck.”

        There was a sound behind me as Scootaloo got on her hooves, and when I looked back, more than a few of the spectators were following me. “Hey,” the mare closest to the front said. “You’re… Are you Sweetie Belle? The Sweetie Belle? The one in all the papers?” Oh, right, publicly humiliating my marefriend like that might make a few ponies look at me long enough to figure out who I was. I sighed and smiled.

        “Yeah, I am,” I said. “Is there anything I can do for you?” What would they even want? They didn’t look like the type to be really angry about what I did. Still, I could be surprised, I guess.

        “That’s so cool,” a stallion near the back shouted. “Hold on, could you let me grab something for you to sign?”

        Wait, what?

        “Wait, what?” I looked back to where the race line was. Scootaloo was on her scooter, doing her best to get focused, while most of the ponies out were watching a pony in a striped black-and-white shirt walk out onto the road.

        “It’s… you’re just the coolest mare,” he said, reaching out to pull a little booklet out of his saddlebag. “Shoot, does anypony here have a marker? My buddies will never believe I actually met you.”

        I rubbed my forehead. “Wait, just so we’re clear, nopony’s here because I’m an accomplished singer and Bridleway actress, right?” There was a sea of shaking heads. “It’s all because of those parties?”

        “Oh, yeah,” the mare said, voice about as flat as the road. “You’re, like, the essence of young rebellion. Everypony else’s is out there acting like a good little pony, and you’re just doing whatever. Wouldn’t have figured a Bridleway singer was the hardest partier in Equestria. I want to be just like you.”

        “Well, I don’t know if that’s such a good–” Ponies cheered around the startline, and streaks of racer zoomed down the road. I managed to catch a blur of orange and purple near the front I figured was Scootaloo.

        “Can you sign your book?” another mare said in the back, pushing her way to the front. She only had a couple of piercings in her ear, and no tattoos to mess up her nice cream coat. She was waving a copy of a book with her magic as she pushed forward, and… Oh, she was wearing glasses. Who can say no to a mare in glas– Wait. Did she say my book?

        “I have a book?” I asked, frowning. “I didn’t think I’d written one of those.” They all laughed at my apparent ‘joke,’ and I did my best to play along with it while grabbing the book with my magic and bringing over the fresh-minted paperback. Sweetie Belle’s Lovers. At the very bottom of the cover were the words “A Work of Fiction Inspired by True Headlines.” If somepony started writing the day the story broke, it still would’ve been pretty rushed.

        “Uhmm, okay,” I said, flipping the book open to the inside cover and taking the pen somepony else was holding. “Who should I make this out to?”

        “Page Turner,” she said. I nodded and scribbled my standard autograph under the title. To Page Turner. Love, Sweetie Belle, making sure to draw a little heart next to my name. There. I tilted my head and stared down at my hoofwork. That was… maybe not the best if I was trying to ‘rehabilitate my image,’ like Mom said. Still – I laughed and floated the book back – Page Turner’d probably appreciate it.

        “Alright, who’s next?” I asked, looking at the crowd. The group shoved whatever autographable thing they could find in my face. I took the paper that was closest. It was… just a piece of paper.

        “So, what were your favorite drugs to take back when you were partying?” a voice in the crowd I asked.

        “Probably Joy,” I said, humming as I signed. There was a big commotion as my words caught up with me. I shook my head. “Joy was my favorite, but now that I’m sober or whatever, I don’t like any of the drugs. They all messed with my head too much, and didn’t make me as happy as I thought.” I handed the paper back and tapped my chin. “Well, they made me happy at the time, but they also were… Don’t do drugs. Definitely don’t do as many as I did.”

        “What? Are you saying you’ve gone soft?” a big loud stallion in the back said, and I looked to see a few looks of uncertainty in the crowd.

        “Ugh, looks like somepony sold out,” another mare in the back said. I craned my head but couldn’t see who said it.

        “Okay, first,” I said, looking at the crowd and ignoring the stallion to my left holding one of my cast recordings. Did he run home and get that, or did he just have the album in in his saddlebags? “How could I have sold out? Before, I was making a ton of bits while probably swallowing my weight in pills once a month. Now, I’m unemployed and not doing drugs. That’s, like, the opposite of going soft. Second, if going ‘soft’ means not taking anymore drugs after overdosing and almost dying, then, yes, I’ve gone soft. Also, did any of you read my latest interviews?”

        Most of the crowd shook their heads, and a few ponies mentioned reading the Star’s article on me. “I read them,” a mare in a beret said. “I just thought your sister was forcing you to apologize since she’s one of the living embodiments of the establishment and bourgeois oppression.”

        “What does that even mean?” I asked, snapping my head to look at her and grabbing the recording with my magic while the stallion told me his name. “Seriously, ‘bourgeois oppression’?” A bunch of other ponies were giving her the same look of confusion. Apparently bourgeois oppression didn’t go well with… whatever this crowd was. Punk?

        She rolled her eyes. “Of course, you wouldn’t understand it. Most ponies don’t get big concepts like the idea that we’re being systematically stripped of our rights by the princesses in an attempt to create a modern slave caste.” I blinked. More ponies were staring at her.

        “Uhmm… I’m pretty sure that’s not what that means,” Page Turner said. “I think you just heard those words and thought they sounded smart.”

        “Whatever,” she said, rolling her eyes again. (Something told me she started most of her sentences with an eye-roll.) “I don’t have to explain myself to any of you.” She looked at me. “But… I’ve got a poster of yours in my dorm room. Can you sign it when I get back?”

        I tilted my head at her. “You just called the pony who raised me an embodiment of bourgeois oppression, which sure doesn’t sound like a compliment, even if neither of us know exactly what it means, so… no. No, I won’t.” I looked back to the crowd. “I’ll be happy to sign anyone else’s stuff, though.”

        The crowd cheered. The first mare – not Page Turner – spoke up. “Just so we’re clear, though, you wouldn’t say we should take drugs? Or you wouldn’t say we should take drugs?” She winked at the second ‘wouldn’t’, and I shook my head.

        “No, don’t do drugs. If I had to do it over again, well…” I signed another something. “I’d probably kick Bright Lights in the face the second I saw her, but… I’d do the sex again, that was great, and I might even do the drinking again, I think, but not the drugs.”

        “Wait, you don’t like Bright Lights?” Page Turner said. “But in the book, you declare your love for each other and–”

        “We what?!” I shouted, causing everypony to take a step back. “Who wrote that?” I grabbed the book with my magic and wrenched it around so I could see who wrote it. Lovestruck. Wait, did I… She lived in Ponyville, didn’t she?

        “Okay,” I said, taking a breath. “Well, the book’s wrong. Bright Lights is… probably the worst pony I know. I don’t care what you think about drugs. If you still want to take Joy even after I said don’t, that’s… I don’t think that’s a good idea, but I can understand why you’d do it, and I wouldn’t hate you for it. And if you want to share your bad idea with somepony you love, that’s… if the two of you talk about it, she agrees, and you didn’t pressure her into doing it, I guess I wouldn’t hate you for that either.”

        They looked at me expectant, like I was about to say something profound. Instead, I was just going to talk about how much I hated Bright Lights. “She didn’t do that. She found out I was unhappy, offered Joy as a solution, and got me hooked on it. She twisted me around so I’d just do whatever she wanted and took me away from everypony I loved. Whenever I did something bad, she was there with more drugs to keep me in line, and if I was good, she gave me whatever I wanted. She turned me into a stupid pet, completely dependent on her, and then she left. I almost died because she made me forget how to take care of myself.”

        I signed something else for a pony near me. “So… what’s your point?” another pony in the crowd said. “You just kind of started going off about how much you hate Bright Lights.”

        “That…” I frowned. There was definitely a point there, right? “I don’t think I was that much of a ‘rebel’ back then. I don’t even think I was much of a pony back then, just a puppet, so if you want to do the big punk rebellion thing, maybe don’t look to me as an inspiration.” I hummed in thought. They were still an eager audience, though. “If you want stories though, I have plenty of those.” Well, general impressions of things that might be stories. I finished by signing a saddlebag held in front of me.

        “Okay, so… are you saying Bright Lights is the real rebel?” the stallion in the back asked. “That you just kind of went along with her?” I glared at him.

        “No,” I said. “No, she’s not a rebel. Sure, she gave me a bunch of drugs and planned out my parties, but she never really did anything herself. She just kept me hooked.” I waved a hoof at them. “I know I’m not super familiar with you all, but I’m pretty sure you’re not cool with drugging ponies to keep them weak, right?” A chorus of nods. I let out a sigh of relief. “Okay then, so are there any questions not about Bright Lights? Or drugs?”

        A clamor of ponies spoke at once, snippets coming to me.

        “...the best way for a stallion…”

        “...how many ponies at a time…”

        “...any drink suggestions for…”

        “...music are you listening…”

        I sighed and rubbed my forehead. I might be here for a while.


♪♪♪


        Some time later, the crowd had vanished, and my brief reacquaintance with celebrity was over. Thank Celestia. I glanced at the mare still looking at me after the crowd departed. Almost over. “Yes?”I asked, looking at her. Page Turner, I think. She had an open book for a cutie mark, so that probably wasn’t too bad a guess. 

        “Oh, I’m just…” she laughed. “I can’t believe it’s actually you, you know? I love listening to your albums when I’m reading, and then you’re here, and…”
 
        “Wait, you listened to my albums? I didn’t think my music was that popular here,” I said. 

        She laughed. “Oh, no, I don’t suppose it is.” She gestured a hoof at her earrings. “I only really put these on when I’m coming to see my coltfriend race. You know, to look the part.”

        “Yeah,” I said, nodding my head. “I probably should have done something like that, too, but… Scootaloo didn’t exactly tell me what to expect. Not that that’s her fault.”

        “If Roller and her knew we were talking… Well, there’s no rule against marefriends talking, even if their partners are kind of rivals, especially since this is going to be Roller’s last race.”

        I raised an eyebrow, trying to process everything she said. “Wait, why won’t you be doing another one of these races?”

        “Well, because the Hoofington Open’s in a few weeks,” she said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “So if he can make the qualifying time there, he should be able to do well enough to get into the professional racing scene. No more fighting for scraps down here.”

        My ears swiveled towards her. “Hoofington Open?” I asked. “So, anypony who wants can enter it?”

        She nodded. “If they can make the qualifying time.” She looked back to the street behind her for any signs of racers. Apparently, the race was two big loops around the city, and the first lap was almost over. Maybe. I don’t exactly know how long it takes to race around the city. She smiled. “Also, you’re dating a racer, how do you not know this?”

        I shrugged. “I didn’t even know she raced until a couple of weeks ago, and then this afternoon, she tells me she has a big race, so…” And it wasn’t like her to hide her stuff. If we were back before, she’d be bragging and boasting non-stop about all her race wins, unless… “Is she good? Scootaloo, I mean?”

        “One of the best,” Page Turner said. “In fact, it’s a little funny, but to hear Roller tell it, after she got herself established here, a lot of the racers got together to talk about banning pegasi.” I raised an eyebrow. “You know, not a lot of pegasi do scooter races, because they can fly, so we didn’t have to deal with them, but then she came along, and suddenly wings became an ‘unfair advantage.’”

        “Wait,” I said, shaking my head. “So how come she can still–”

        She held up a hoof and turned around. “I’m getting there, but first…” She floated a roll of paper from her saddlebags and cheered. “Go, Roller! Whoooo!” She waved her hooves and balanced on her back legs, doing an almost dance, hopping around, while keeping her sign facing towards the street. A few ponies rounded the corner and started heading towards us.

        “Yeah, go Scootaloo!” I shouted, doing my own cheer. “Kick their flanks! Maybe not Roller’s so much, because he has a nice marefriend, but still beat him! Yay! Scootaloo!” I waved as an orange and purple blur rocketed past us followed almost immediately by a gray one. Turner dropped her cheer, furled up her poster, and turned back to me.

        “I think your cheers could use a bit of work,” she said, shaking her head. “Although I appreciate the thought behind it. Anyways, where was I? Right! Pegasi almost getting banned from competing. So, they were about to go through with it, when Roller – at least, he says it was him – pointed out that most pegasi wings would be completely useless for racing. They’re supposed to generate upward lift, which would be worse than useless in a scooter race, so really, the rule would only be affecting Scootaloo, and nopony liked the idea of banning a pony who’s special talent was racing from racing.”

        Was that her special talent? I just thought it was scootering. I didn’t know it was specifically racing scooters. That probably made me a bad marefriend, but I knew how to make it up to her. “So, when exactly is the Hoofington Open?” I asked, smiling at her. “I’m more than a bit curious about it.”

        “Oh,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s at the end of spring every year. We’ll be heading out in a couple of weeks for the qualifying heats, and then just… I don’t know what there is to do out there. I’ve never really left Manehattan, and Hoofington seems a lot smaller.”

        I nodded my head. “It is. Or, if it’s anything like Ponyville was, it is, but I’m sure there’s a lot of fun stuff to do. I remember back in Ponyville, I’d go to the bakery or just play around the lake. There was a bowling alley, and…” I waved a hoof. “Okay, it might not have everything Manehattan does, but it’s okay. You could probably get a lot of good reading done there, if that’s your thing.”

        She laughed. “It is. What gave it away? The fact I never go anywhere without a book, my name, or my cutie mark?”

        “Well, I really didn’t know the first thing, so I guess two and three,” I said, looking around as more racers passed us. “Hey, if Roller and Scootaloo are rivals, then why did he stick up for her?”

        “Oh,” she said, taking a step away from the curb and the other viewers, “That’s… I think it’s an athlete thing. They both want to beat each other, but they want it to be fair, and when he trains, he trains to beat her. I like to joke that he’s closer to her than me.” I caught a flash of a look in her eye that said it was more than a joke. I didn’t say that Scootaloo never talked about Roller. But what did I know? She kept everything else about her hobby a secret, so maybe she thought about him all the time.

        “I guess I get that,” I said, shaking my head and turning away as the last of the pack passed us. There’d probably be a few stragglers, but Scootaloo and Roller were long gone by now, so who cared? “Anyways, what’s…” I trailed off, as I caught a few ponies speaking in whispers and gesturing at me from the corner of my eyes. I didn’t want to go through another round of autographs. “Is there somewhere here I can get a drink?”

        “There’s a bar and lounge just down the block,” she said, pointing. “The Olive. It’s open until basically dawn, but it’s a bit pricey. I tried going there for a snack during one of these races, and I thought I was seeing double when I saw how much everything cost.”

        “Not a problem,” I said, turning towards where she pointed. “You want anything to drink? I’ll buy.”

        “Oh, no,” she said, shaking her head. “I don’t really drink, and… are you sure you should? After everything you said about the penthouse, it seems like–”

        “I don’t drink a lot anymore,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I don’t drink to get drunk anymore, and I don’t even drink everyday, but sometimes, I just… I need a drink. That’s not bad, is it?”

        “No,” she said, shaking her head and following after me. “It certainly doesn’t sound like it, but… why do you need a drink tonight?”

        “Two reasons,” I said, looking back at her as we reached the intersection and pointing to the group of stallions who were giving me looks. “First, because it looks like some ponies might be heading my way soon, and the best-case scenario for that is a repeat of what happened earlier. The worst case is…” I shook my head. “I don’t know, but definitely not fun.”

        One of the stallions in the second group shouted. “Hey, Sweetie, why don’t you come over here and show if the papers were right about you.”

        “Something like that,” I said, glaring back at the pony and picking up my pace. “Being hit on by a stallion.”

        “What’s the second reason?” she asked, keeping pace with me.

        “Oh, right, to celebrate Scootaloo having a whole secret life she didn’t want to bother me with,” I said, spotting the bar and stopping in my tracks as recognition set in. The Olive. I’d been here once before. On Bright Lights’ birthday. At least, if my dream was right, I had. I did a quick pulse of the horn to make sure this wasn’t another hallucination. “You can see that, right?”

        “The bar right in front of us?” she asked, looking at me. “Yes, I can see it. Or was there something else?”

        “Nope,” I said, shaking my head and taking the steps down to the bar’s entrance and looking back at her. “So, are you coming in?”

        “Oh, I think I’ll stay out here, where I can see the sky and not have to worry about being buried under tons of building.” She nodded. “I’ll duck in when they’re close to finishing the race if you’re still in.” There was a long pause. “Hopefully, you won’t be.”

        “Wait,” I said, stopping at the door. “Are you afraid of buildings? Because you might be living in the wrong place, if you are.”

        She laughed and shook her head. “No, of course not. I happen to live in a building, and it’s very nice. I just hate being in a basement, I feel so… trapped, like it’s just waiting for the chance to turn into a tomb. No, I’m strictly an above-ground girl.”

        “Alright,” I said, shrugging my shoulders and opening the door with my magic. How long ago had it been I walked out the other way to feel cold wind cutting into my face. At least a year, right? “Well, I’ll be out as soon as I finish my drink, then. Uhmm, are you okay waiting on the street?”

        “I’m used to it, Sweetie,” she said. “Waiting for hours on the curb comes with dating a racer. At least I had somepony to talk with for the first half of it.”

        “Yeah, it was fun, especially once everypony else left.” I grinned. “How much do you think they’d hate it if we forced them to have dinner together some time?”

        “We’ll have to find out when they finish their race,” she said as I trotted into the bar. I stepped through the threshold into a mostly-empty lounge. There were a few ponies sitting in back booths, a couple more near the stage, the singer, the staff, and…

        The door shut behind me as I stared. It couldn’t be her. We hadn’t spoken in years, and now she was just sitting in a booth staring into her drink while the singer sang some upbeat pop song that definitely didn’t fit with the lounge’s atmosphere. I trotted over towards my first marefriend. “So… funny running into you here, right?”

        Diamond Tiara looked up at me and then back to her drink, then back again. “It’s true what they say about absinthe.”

        “What’s that?” I asked, sitting opposite her. “Oh, do you mind?”

        “You know,” she said, raising up the green drink. “That it makes you hallucinate. That’s why you’re here, right?”

        I laughed. She thought she was hallucinating. That was cute. Although, to be fair, most of my hallucinations were ghosts from the past, so maybe not that cute. “No, I’m real, and… kind of surprised to see you here.”

        “It’s mutual,” she said, pushing her drink away. “Maybe I need to try a lighter cocktail.”

        “Since you’re here, I’m thinking about a rum punch, what do you think?” I asked, looking at her. Her hair was longer, and her old tiara was gone, replaced by a platinum filigree pin placed on the lapel of the red blazer she was wearing. She looked… I guess, professional.

        She frowned. “I’d prefer it if you didn’t remind me of that mistake,” she said.

        “What mistake?” I asked, looking at her. She hadn’t done anything wrong, had she?

        “Who gave you your first drink, Sweetie?” she asked. “Who convinced you it was fine?”

        “Oh,” I said, shaking my head. “But it’s not like it’s your fault. I chose to keep drinking, you just… lots of ponies drink. I don’t think you did anything wrong.”

        “Then I suppose we’ll just have to agree to disagree,” she said, rethinking her position and pulling the glass closer to her. “Because from where I’m sitting, it feels like I gave you that first push down the slippery slope.” Her eyes narrowed. “Also, between what Scootaloo told me and what I read in the papers, are you sure you should be drinking?”

        “I’m just having one glass,” I said, looking through the cocktail list. Also, she was still talking with Scootaloo. Add that to the list of things she was keeping from me. “Hmm, do you know how the blood orange sunrise is?”

        “It’s probably great,” she said. “This is one of the best bars in Manehattan, so I don’t think there’s anything bad on the menu. And can you please tell me just what you’re doing here so late? Or at all? Does Scootaloo know you’re out?”

        “She’s the reason why I’m out,” I said, smiling.  Let’s see how much they told each other. “She’s having one of her races, I went out to cheer her on, but apparently these races are really long, so I kind of wound up here.”

        “Oh, I didn’t know she had one of her races tonight,” Tiara said like it was the most natural thing in the world. “Then again, we haven’t been talking too much lately; she’s been–”

        “Focusing on my recovery, I know,” I said, waving a hoof. “I’ve heard that line way too many times since I woke up. Seriously, you… it gets a little old after the ten thousandth time, but if I complain, then I sound ungrateful, so I just… deal with it. Anyways, I get way too much talking about myself with everypony else. How have you been? Also,why are you here?”

        “It’s one of the best bars in Manehattan, and I wanted to get out of the house for a bit. Socket’s busy, and when he’s working, it’s too loud to sleep. Plus, we’re looking to expand into the nightclub scene, so I’m chalking this all up as market research. I’ll either own this club or have it driven out of business by the end of the year.”

        “Wait, I thought Tiara’s was a store,” I said, shaking my head. “What are you doing buying bars and stuff?”

        “Tiara’s is an ethos,” she said, smiling and shifting forward. “The belief that the best should be available for everypony who wants it, and that goes beyond the storefront. We believe life’s more than just things; it’s experiences, and I think we can provide the best of those too.” She said the words like she’d said them a thousand times before. “That’s why we’re looking at ways to improve the average pony’s night on the town by opening new restaurants, bars, nightclubs, and lounges that make the best affordable for the rest.” She blinked and shook her head. “Sorry, I’ve said that pitch so many times, it’s reflex at this point.”

        “It’s fine,” I said, looking around the room as the waiter came over to help us. “Could I get the blood orange sunrise, please?” I asked. I looked to Tiara. “Do you want anything?”

        Tiara just shook her head as the waitress glanced at her. “Okay, just one blood orange sunrise,” I said, before pausing. “Hey, do you recognize me? Any familiarity at all?”

        “Not personally, no,” the waitress said. She wasn’t that bad looking, kind of cute. I liked the sloppy bun her mane was in – but I guess that didn’t matter, since I was dating Scooaloo. I could still look, though, right? That wasn’t cheating? It shouldn’t be, but I thought a lot of things shouldn’t be cheating. “But has anypony ever said you look like Sweetie Belle?”

        I rolled my eyes. “You wouldn’t believe how many times I heard that. One mare decides to go crazy and ruin her life, and I have to keep hearing about it. You know, if I got a bit for every time somepony stopped me on the street to ask me if I’m her, I could retire.” She laughed, Diamond Tiara just raised an eyebrow. 

        “What?” I said as the waitress trotted away with my order. “I just dealt with a crowd of ponies who wanted me to sign everything not nailed down, and that’s one of the better reactions I could hope for. Something tells me I won’t be embraced as a counter-culture icon here. More like a… something they don’t want to deal with.” I dropped my voice down to a whisper. “Especially since last time I was here, I kind of stole a martini and dropped it on the floor.”

        “Why would you do that?” Tiara asked, a bit too loud for my taste. I glanced around to make sure nopony heard. They hadn’t.

        “I was on a lot of drugs, and kind of couldn’t understand the idea that something wasn’t mine. I just wanted the drink, so I took it.” I laughed. “That probably makes me sound awful.”

        “The important thing is you’re not that mare anymore,” she said. Oh yeah, she would understand, wouldn’t she? How many years had she been completely awful. Not completely awful. At her worst, she still couldn’t hold a candle to you. I sighed. Welcome back, voice in my head. It was nice going for a few hours without you.

        “Yeah, so… Can I talk to you about that stuff?” I asked, looking across the table to her as the waitress returned with our drinks. Ooh! Of course, that’s what I liked about her, she was wearing this cute little serving uniform, that was really concealing. The skirt was a bit too long for my tastes, but it wasn’t too long. I bet I could get a nice waitress outfit for Scootaloo. I added it to my shopping list and floated the drink from the waitress. “Thanks.”

        “Of course,” she said, giving me a nod. “If you need anything else, just let me know.” I took a sip of the drink, and… Ooh! Blood orange was good, and there was just a bit of a pineapple taste in there. And vodka, of course. That was the alcoholic glue that held all the deliciousness together. 

        “I’m happy to listen,” Diamond Tiara said, smiling. “You gave me a chance when nopony else would, and you defended me to your friends. Even if we didn’t end well, I’m not going to forget that.”

        “Thanks,” I said. “And… I am sorry about how that happened, you really deserved better, but once Bright Lights–”

        She held up a hoof. “Sweetie, I spent a lot of time thinking about what happened, and I don’t think… even before Bright Lights showed up, I could see you weren’t doing well. I wanted to help, but you wouldn’t let me. You kept insisting everything was fine, and I didn’t want to… What did I know? I’d only been good for a few months, you’d been good your entire life. If you said you were fine, you were fine.”

        “Yeah, I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “I should have done a lot of things better, and I didn’t, and I just let Bright Lights do all the thinking for me once she offered.”

        “But she’s not responsible for everything,” Tiara said. “She wasn’t the one twisting Melody and me up. She wasn’t the one driving us to this… I don’t even know how to describe what it, it was just this feeling of weakness and dependence. You wouldn’t let us say no to you, you knew all the buttons to press to get us to do whatever you wanted. That wasn’t her, Sweetie. That was all you.”

        I swallowed something down. “It… wasn’t that bad, was it? You enjoyed yourself, right? I did try to give you what you wanted, I think. You know, in exchange for doing what I wanted.”

        She glared at me. “It was worse. I loved you, and I had to sit and watch as something terrible consumed you, drawing out everything bad in you, and if I didn’t like it, you’d make me like it. The right kiss, the right touch, to make all my thoughts disappear for a few minutes combined with the right words to give me the hint that the Sweetie I loved was still in there, convincing me it was better to just do what you wanted.”

        “Okay, maybe… That was bad, because I was getting you to do what I wanted, but wouldn’t it be better if I was doing it to make you happy?” I asked. “That would be kind of selfless, right, taking care of you to give you what you want?”

        “Trading a slave for a pet?” she asked, voice rising. I winced and looked around. “No, that’s not better, it’s just a different type of awful, and why are you…” She trailed off. “Oh, you’re still doing it, aren’t you? That’s why you want me to say it’s okay, so you won’t have to feel guilty. Well, guess what?” She leaned in close and whispered. “You should feel guilty, it shows you still have a conscience, and that’s not a voice in your head you should ignore. You taught me that.” She got to her hooves and trotted away. “I won’t sit here and listen to you try and justify yourself. You can do that alone.”

        “But I’m just doing what she wants!” I shouted as she trotted away. “It’s not my fault, I’m just trying to be a good marefriend.”

        Everypony in the lounge had turned to look at me. Even the stupid singer had paused for a second. My eye twitched. What did she know? Her life was probably all sunshine and rainbows, and she was going to judge me? What gave any of them the right to judge me? I downed my drink and threw a hoofful of bits on the table. Two for two, wouldn’t be coming back here again, even if the blood orange sunrise was really good. Well, maybe I could give it a third chance. I trotted out of the bar.

        “I’m done,” I said to Page Turner as I climbed the stairs.

        “Oh, that was fast,” she said. “I thought it would take longer for you to–”

        “Nope, I didn’t want to leave you waiting,” I said, trotting back to the finish line. I could see Tiara ahead of me, moving in the same direction. My eyes narrowed. She wouldn’t. We were friends.

        “Were,” Bright Lights said. “It looks like she hates you now, though, and…” She grinned. “If I’m not mistaken, she’s going to tell Scootaloo what you’re doing. Do you think Scootaloo’ll stick around after that?”

        I clenched my jaw. “She won’t. She won’t, I won’t let her.”

        “What was that?” Page Turner asked from my other side. I shook my head.

        “Nothing. Everything’s fine, just… thinking,” I said. Bright Lights was right. Again. Tiara was going to ruin one of the few good things I had left in my life, just because she felt like she could judge me. Like she knew even a little bit of what I’d been through. I’d suffered enough, I didn’t need anymore, and I was just doing what Scootaloo wanted! I was trying to be a good marefriend!

        I trotted past the finish line. “You stay here and keep an eye on her,” I said, pointing a hoof at Diamond Tiara. “I’m going for a little walk.”

        “Keep an eye on who?” Page Turner asked. “And are you sure you’re alright?”

        “I’m fine, and keep an eye on the pink mare in the red blazer, you know, the only one who doesn’t fit in here?” I said, turning my trot into a jog.

        “But there’s no–” I didn’t hear her as I ran away. She could wait. Everything could wait. I had to save Scootaloo. Save my relationship with Scootaloo.

        I thought as I jogged, looking for her orange blur. She’d forgive me for what I was about to do. Of course, she would. She’d forgiven me for so much, what was this? It would just be another little Sweetie Belle accident. She’d shake her head, say poor Sweetie, and nurse me back to health.

        Something between a grin and a snarl spasmed and died on my face. She’d spend some more time pitying me, but unless I was holding the reins, she was always going to pity me. I guess that’s just what we were, wasn’t it? Not exactly what I dreamed, but it was what she wanted. 

        Scootaloo and Roller rounded the corner, orange and grey blurs battling for the lead. I started to hyperventilate and shout. “No! No! Stay away!” I shouted, lighting up my horn and sending a wave of force cracking into a building and backpedalling towards the street. “No, please! Don’t!” Ponies were looking at me now, the scene was set, and it was time for the main show. I gave my best ear-shattering scream and sprinted through the stunned ponies into the street, right in front of a very surprised Scootaloo. She tried to swerve, but only managed to spin to the side. I winced at what was about to–

CRACK!

        Skin and metal and bone collided in a sound I never wanted to hear again as my hooves left the ground. Time stretched out and my second of flight turned into eternity as I saw the look of horror on her face. She’ll never forgive herself for this. It was okay, though, the pain was all going to be worth it if it saved our relationship. And there was going to be a lot of pain. I could already feel it radiating from my side, and I hadn’t even hit the ground yet.

        Right on cue, I heard the ripping sound as fur and skin slid against asphalt. More pain. Tears stung my eyes as Scootaloo hopped off her scooter to stand over me. “What the heck happened?” she shouted to the crowd. A second later, Roller was off his scooter and standing next to her.

        “I don’t know,” one pony said. “She started screaming for ponies to stay away, and before we could do anything, she was out in the middle of the road.”

        Scootaloo sighed as I was lowered onto the sidewalk. “I’m never letting you out of my sight again,” she said. “Can you move?” I tried to roll over on my side and winced. 

        “No,” I said, trying to push myself off the asphalt and collapsing as a pain in my side shot through me. 

        “Alright,” Scootaloo said, turning to Roller. “We need to get her off the road as soon as possible.” She tapped at his horn. “Can you use that to float her?”

        He nodded. “Yeah, sure,” he said, lighting it up with a gray light that covered my eyes a second later as I floated off the ground. “What the heck’s her problem? She just ran out onto the road like she had a death wish.”

        “It’s… complicated,” Scootaloo said, from just out of view. “And can somepony please get a doctor or a stretcher or something? How are you feeling, Sweetie?”

        You know, I just betrayed you in, like, every sense of the word to keep you from ending our relationship, so… “Not great,” I said, trying to smile to her. I’d make it up to her. I’d make it up to her. I’d get her to go to the Hoofington race, she’d win, I’d give her everything she wanted.  It was different than what Bright Lights did to me, and different than what I did to Diamond Tiara. It was. It had to be.

        “Yeah, well, we’ll get that taken care of. Hey, Roller, do you know some way to numb the pain or whatever?” Scootaloo asked. He laughed as I was lowered down to the ground.

        “A painkiller spell? Yeah, I had to learn that one pretty quick after I started racing. We unicorns aren’t as used to crashing as you pegasi are, so if I run into a wall – which I don’t – it’s going to hurt.”

        “That happened once,” she said. “And did you see how great my handling was right before the crash? You couldn’t even dream of getting that performance out of a scooter. And hurry up and cast the spell.”

        There was a tickle of magic, and everything was numb, my whole body turned to lead, and I couldn’t feel a thing. Just like old times.

        Outside of me, ponies were talking. I think I started moving at some point. Either that, or the stars above me did. My eyelids got heavier, and soon the dark swallowed the stars. “I’m gonna sleep,” I slurred, tongue rolling around in my mouth like it wasn’t part of my body anymore. 

        When they opened again, I was floating in the hub, Luna looking down at me. “What happened?” Cutting straight to the point like always.

        “Somepony cast a painkiller spell on me after I got hit by a scooter,” I said. “And I got hit by a scooter because I had another fun hallucination fit. Lucky for me getting hit by a scooter snaps you right out of those.”

        “No you didn’t,” Luna said, shaking her head. “You’ve been strumming the fabric of the dreaming for the last hour at least. You even brushed against the mind of another dreamer.” 

        Oh, no, please don’t be– “Who was it?” I asked, tilting my head and hiding my horror. 

        “Diamond Tiara,” she said. “It’s difficult for me to understand what happened, but it wasn’t a regular hallucination, I don’t sense those in my Dreaming.”

        “So…” It didn’t matter. I ran out into the road to get hit by a scooter for nothing, I betrayed Scootaloo for something that didn’t even matter. “Was it like how I pulled Scootaloo into my dream that one time?” I asked. 

        “Similar, I believe. Not entirely the same, and I don’t know if I’d say you pulled her into your dream, but your minds certainly did meet.” She shook her head and floated Tiara’s gem near me. “She’s dreaming about you for the first time in a while thanks to your intervention.”

        “Sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “Is there anything I can do to fix it? I didn’t mean to… I didn’t want to hurt anypony.”

        “And no harm was done to Miss Tiara. Tomorrow, she will wake up recalling a strange dream, she’ll think briefly of you, and then she will go about her day. You, on the other hoof…” She leaned in close. “It seems the first day without your mother’s supervision has caused you to take a rather massive step backwards.

        “It’s not… it’s not that bad,” I said, smiling at her. “I’m just stressed out about, you know, I have my first show tomorrow, and I still can’t sing, plus it’s just a little more difficult making things work with Scootaloo than I imagined.” I shook my head. “Not that it’s bad, but you know what she likes, and how difficult it is for me to give it to her.” I rubbed my forehead. “I have to be creative.”

        Luna nodded and turned away. “And as the strain worsens, the fractures in your mind deepen. There’s a reason they’ve been trying to avoid putting any undue worry on you, but you seem intent on finding it.”

        “Wait,” I said, shaking my head. “Didn’t you tell me how much you hated being coddled when you got back?” I asked, looking up at her. “And now you’re saying I should let them treat me like a stupid filly for the rest of my life.”

        She sighed. “You misrepresent my position, Sweetie.Yes, I know how frustrating it is to be locked out of the loop of your own life, to be treated like a foal incapable of making any decision, but at the same time, I do not advocate throwing you unprepared to the proverbial wolves or less-proverbial Night Terrors. It took several seasons before I was ready to resume my most basic royal functions beyond the customary raising of the moon.”

        “So, what?” I asked, looking back at the dream gems and finding Mom’s and Scootaloo’s. “You’re saying I should just give up? Just let them tell me how to live my life?”

        “Do you take a perverse pleasure out of misconstruing others’ words, Sweetie? Again, that’s not my position, I’m simply suggesting you do not rush to recovery. Move slowly, and if something is causing you strain and worsening your hallucinations, perhaps take care to avoid it,” she said. She had to be the best at making reasonable requests sound like orders. Maybe Princess Celestia had more experience, but I don’t think that was her style, more like just convincing you that her idea was what you wanted all along.

        “What should I do, then?” I asked, rubbing my forehead and turning away from her. “I can’t – I won’t – give up my relationship with Scootaloo, but it would be… nice if it wasn’t so explodey. I want what I dreamed of, not four fights a day.”

        “And you refuse to consider the idea that the thing is just not meant to be? You have more differences than most couples,” she said.

        “And we’ve been through more than most couples, too!” I said, digging my hooves into non-existent ground. “We’re not some schoolfillies fooling around; she’s been there for me through everything, I know she’ll do everything she can to help me, and I owe it to her to be the marefriend she deserves. I want to make her happy, I need to, and if I can’t make a relationship work with her, then what hope do I have?”

        She sighed. “I could tell you your relationship is a mistake. That it won’t last. I suppose I am now, but I won’t try to persuade you, and I won’t violate your confidence as long as I feel confident there’s no lasting harm posed to either of you.” Then I better not tell her the real reason I got hurt. Her look darkened and tone dropped. “I know breaking confidences of the heart can be the fastest way to lose a trusted position. Instead, I’ll simply advise you speak with Scootaloo about your concerns.”

        “But if I do that, she’ll leave,” I said, shaking  my head. “I know she will, the second she thinks our relationship is hurting me, she’ll end it, and it’s not hurting me!” I stopped and took a few breaths, calming down after my outburst. Try not to sound crazy, Sweetie. Good luck. I growled. “Okay, it’s stressful sometimes, but it gives me something I need. It makes me happy, usually; it just has some rough patches I need to work on.” I stroked my mane with a hoof. “But it’s fine, I just need to work on it, and we’ll both be happy, and I’ll be what she needs me to be.”

        “And what about what you need yourself to be?” she asked, tilting her head and staring at me.

        “That’s…” I trailed off. “I need to be with her. She’s the only pony who can forgive me for what I’ve done that isn’t my Mom.”

        “But you could find somepony who has no need to forgive you,” Luna said, “Wouldn’t it be better to approach the relationship as equals? The power disparity you’re describing sounds unhealthy.”

        “Maybe,” I said, sitting down. “But I can’t… I have to do everything I can to make it work, and I think… there are just a few things we have to work through, and I know she’ll eventually come around. Like, if my mom could make it work with Applejack for years, Scootaloo and I can work through this.”

        Luna raised an eyebrow. “Did you forget that your mother’s relationship with Applejack ended, and that the two of them are both happily married or engaged to somepony else?” she asked. “Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do to a pony you love is end the relationship before more harm can be done.”

        “Not yet,” I said, shaking my head. “It makes me happy a lot of the time. It does., we just… have some things to work on.”

        “Obstinate mare,” Luna said, shaking her head. “But I’ve said my peace, and sincerely hope you’ll meditate on my words in the following days. Do not discount centuries of experience so quickly.”

        “Alright,” I said, getting to my hooves. “Sorry for–” The world lurched, and I turned onto my back, staring at ceiling panels as my eyes flicked open. Right, the hospital. “What time is it?” I asked, looking at the clock. The painkiller spell’d apparently worn off in my sleep because I could feel again, even if it was just a dull ache in my side where the scooter had run into me. Where Scootaloo had run into me. Where I’d made her run into me. 

        “Easy,” a mare said. Not Scootaloo’s voice, so either the doctor or the nurse. “How are you feeling?”

        I looked down at myself. Bandages were wrapped around my barrel, and I could feel something creamy beneath them. Something for where the asphalt had scraped against me? “Okay,” I said, looking back around the room and spotting the other pony. Pink mare with red mane, wearing a doctor’s coat. “Where’s Scootaloo?”

        “Waiting outside,” she said, glancing at the door. “I believe the police officers are still getting her version of events. I’m sure they’ll want to speak with you next.”

        “Police officers?” I asked, sitting up and wincing as the pain in my side flared up. “What are they doing here? She didn’t do anything wrong.”

        “She hit you with her scooter in an unsanctioned street race,” the doctor said. “That’s usually of interest to the police.” She’s going to go to jail, and it’s all your fault. She handed me a piece of paper. “Are these your current medications?”

        “Uhmm… yeah,” I said, nodding. “Nothing bad’s going to happen to her, right? It was completely my fault, I was the one who ran into the road, and she tried to dodge, but…” I trailed off. I’d tried to fix a problem that wasn’t even real, and instead made a very real problem. 

        “And I’m just so proud of you,” Bright Lights said, entering into the room. “Obviously, your delivery needs work – I wouldn’t have wound up in the hospital – but your complete willingness to twist around your marefriend’s love to avoid any sort of consequence? Well done. You even managed to make it so she was the villain. A truly inspired performance.”

        I groaned. What did it say that she was complimenting me? You know what it says, you just don’t want to admit it. Yeah, I did, didn’t I?

        “No, I don’t think so,” the doctor said. “From what I overheard, there are more than enough witnesses saying the accident was unavoidable, and with your medical history…”

        “Yeah, great,” I said, waving a hoof at her. “Anything else?”

        “Not from me, no,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m sure the officers will want to see you shortly, and I’ll let them know you’re up.”

        “Yay,” I said, looking out to the… No window. Just one door that looked pretty heavy, and it looked like the walls and floor were both heavily carpeted. Great, I was in the crazy mare room.

        To be fair…

        “Yeah, yeah, I know,” I said to the voice in my head and earning a look from the doctor. I pointed a hoof to my head in explanation. “Just thinking out loud.”

        “Of course,” she said, staring at me as another mare – a nurse? –  trotted in the room.

        “What’s she for?” I asked, tilting my head. “More tests?”

        The nurse smiled. “No, Sweetie, I’m just here to keep you company while you recover,” she said. Translation: She was here to make sure I didn’t do something stupid again. I was never going to get to be alone again.

        “Great,” I said, sighing and blowing an errant strand of mane. “Do you mind if, instead of talking, I just stare at the ceiling until the cops get here?”

        “Not at all,” she said, sitting down and pulling a magazine out from a rack on the wall. “Do you want anything to read?”

        I tilted my head. “Do you have a copy of Sweetie Belle’s Lovers?”

        She pursed her lips. “Uhmm… No, I don’t think we do. We don’t generally have new books in our library.”

        “That’s fine,” I said, shaking my head. “I’ll just stare at the ceiling, then.”

        She didn’t add anything on after, which I guess meant she agreed. Good enough for me. “So, can we finally talk?” Mom asked, coming out from nowhere. I looked from her to the nurse, and Mom hopped into my head. “Better?”

        “Yeah,” I thought, emerging into a blank space in my mind. So not that different from the rest of your head. I laughed. I almost wished the rest of my head was so blank. Instead, it was filled with angry voices and crazy. Nope, nothing would be a big step up. Which was… really sad. But in a funny way.

        “So, just to recap recent events, you hallucinated a conversation with Diamond Tiara where she called you to task for your actions with Scootaloo, and instead of listening to her, you jumped in front of Scootaloo, risking both of your lives. Is that about it?

        “I was trying to save our relationship,” I said, decorating the blank space and making it look more like what I remembered Carousel Boutique’s main floor to look like. “That’s… I’m not proud of it, but I did what I had to do.”

        “Only if the relationship’s worth salvaging,” she said, shaking her head. “And I don’t think it is.”

        “But that’s just your opinion,” I said. “What do you know?”

        “Sweetie Belle, I am you, or at least an extension of you. If I think something, then so do you,” she said, stepping from behind the counter to trot in front of me.

        “Well, if you’re me, then you were there for my talk with Luna. You know what I said to her, and I’ll say the same to you. Can’t you just… leave, like you did three years ago?”

        “No, Sweetie,” she said, shaking her head. “We’re not leaving you again. It was a mistake then, and we don’t make the same mistakes, do we?”

        “So, what?” I asked, looking up at her. Huh, in my dream, I made her taller than me. I summoned a mirror and looked at myself. Still looked like me, so… My mom popped and she shrank down to my size. “I’m just supposed to be miserable as long as I’m dating Scootaloo?”

        “As long as your relationship causes you to clash with your conscience, yes. If you can make things work out, I’ll be delighted, but from where I’m standing, I feel it would be easier to just go back to being friends. You can love each other without being in love with each other,” Mom said, smiling to try and reassure me about something.

        “Ugh.” I thunked the side of my head against the wall. “So, you’re saying if I can just make it work, I’ll be fine? You know, get it so I don’t clash with my conscience?”

        Mom rolled her eyes. “Well, that certainly is one solution. Just… perhaps not the easiest. Or the sanest. Or the safest. Or the best for your recovery. Or–”

        “Miss Belle?” My eyes flicked open. A stallion and a mare both dressed in blue were standing over me. “Can we speak with you?”

        “Are you going to arrest Scootaloo?” I asked, tilting my head at them. “Because if you are, then definitely not.”

        The mare sat down and pulled out a flip book. “We’re just trying to establish how preventable your accident was. So far, it doesn’t look like assault to us.”

        “Fine,” I said, waving a hoof at them. “So, what do you want to know?”

        “Let’s start with why you ran into the middle of the road with no warning while racers approached. Were you trying to injure yourself?” the stallion asked.

        Yes. “Of course, not,” I said, smiling at him. “I was… I started seeing a bunch of ponies from my past yelling at me and threatening to hurt me, so I ran. I don’t think I even realized where I was. I just…” A tightness formed in a hoof. “I had to run.”

        “So it was just a coincidence that you happened to collide with your marefriend and one of your primary caretakers?” he said. I took a better look at him. Gruff and no nonsense; if he’d been wearing sunglasses, it would’ve been perfect. I bet he had the glasses, but he wasn’t wearing them because he was inside and it was nighttime. 

        “Well, she was in first place, and had the least time to react, so I wouldn’t say it was a coincidence, but she wasn’t aiming for me,” I said, doing my best to keep my smile up for the show. Or was smiling the wrong thing to do when you were being questioned by police? I let it drop.

        “But were you aiming for her?” the mare asked. “We have one mare placing you coming out of a bar, very clearly distressed, ordering her to keep an eye on a mare she couldn’t find, and then running off in the direction of the racers. You didn’t stop walking until you could see the racers, and then you started shouting and dashed into the road, just in time for your marefriend to hit you.”

        I laughed, tightness gripping my chest, and my ribs howled. Right, maybe laughing wasn’t the best idea right now for a couple of reasons.. They couldn’t figure out the truth. Tiara wasn’t there to tell them the important bit of the story. All they had were a couple of really important bits of information. “Why would I do that?” I asked. “I love Scootaloo, sure I was upset after the bar, but I wasn’t with her, and I just… No, I wouldn’t try to hurt her.”

        “We’re not accusing you of trying to hurt anypony,” the gray mare said, looking at me with her green eyes. They were the same color as mine. “Just trying to understand what happened.”

        “Okay, well… Like I said, I was walking to try and clear my head after the bar, where I might have had a drink, but it was just the one, and I was getting more and more upset, and it felt like somepony was pressing tighter on my head with every step, until I freaked out and lost control. It was like I wasn’t even in control of myself, I just saw a bunch of ponies glaring and yelling at me and getting ready to chase after me, and the only way out was onto the street. You looked through my medical history, right?”

        “We did,” the stallion said while the mare jotted down some notes. “We just like being thorough.”

        “No stone unturned,” she said, chiming in.

        “Great,” I said, not rolling my eyes in front of cops. “What else do you want to know?”


***


        They wanted to know a lot more. Maybe more than I knew, but I didn’t tell them exactly what they wanted to know. Not the real reason I ran into the road. No, that truth that could never be told. If they knew, Scootaloo’d know, and then I’d lose everything. Or her, but that was pretty close to the same thing.

        You still have your mom.

        Well, yeah, I did, I’d always have her, so I guess I’d just lose half of everything. How would that be for repayment, though? Instead of giving her what you want and deserve, I ran in front of your scooter to probably make you hate yourself almost as much as I hate myself. But it was for a good cause, even if it wasn’t a real one.

        No, that wouldn’t work. I had to keep us together, no matter what Mom and Luna and probably Doctor Hooves said. Keeping her happy was probably the only good thing I could do.

        Scootaloo trotted into the room. She’d tried to hide it, but I could see the red puffiness in her eyes. And the look in her eyes, I’d seen it way too many times in the mirror for me to not recognize it.

        “Hey,” I said, smiling at her. “Rough night?”

        “What the hell were you thinking?” she asked, glaring at me. “How stupid can you be, just…” She let out a strangled scream. “Why would you go to a bar?! Did you not get enough drinking for one lifetime back at the penthouse? And then–”

        “I didn’t have a drink,” I said. Deflect. Deflect. Deflect. If she couldn’t be angry at me, she’d get angry at herself, and then I’d be there to help her feel better. To let her know it wasn’t anypony’s fault. Except yours. Yeah, except mine, but I couldn’t say that. “I… I went into the bar, sure, but that’s only because I had a dream about it before, and I wanted to see if it was real. To see if it wasn’t just some bizarre dream I cooked up.”

        “And?” she asked, eyes softening. Good, take the bait, Scootaloo, love. I promise I won’t hurt you, I’ll make you feel all better.

        “Yeah, it was real. Page Turner can tell you I only ducked in there for a minute,” I said. Plus, I didn’t even really finish my drink, did I? “I promise, I didn’t have a drink in there.”

        “Page Turner also said you felt like you needed a drink. That you offered to buy her one,” Scootaloo said. Shoot! That was going to be… Well, when in doubt, tell some truth. Just not all.

        “Okay, I lied to her.” I held up a hoof before Scootaloo could talk over me. “What, me saying I needed a drink sounds a lot better than saying I need to investigate a place I maybe hallucinated to see if the rest of the dream was right.”

        “What was the rest of the dream?” she asked, looking at me on the edge of belief. One more little nudge of truth would do it.

        “See, it is your special talent, Sweetie,” Bright Lights said, crawling her way out from the ground.

        “It was… I almost froze to death, I think,” I said, looking away from her and letting a few tears ball up in my eye. “I don’t know, maybe I was just drugged out of my head and hallucinating, or maybe it was just a dream, or maybe it was completely and totally true, but I don’t know if I almost died or not,” I said. “Maybe there were a bunch of times I almost died, and they’re all jumbled up in my head, but I just want to know, you know? I think I should at least know how many times I almost died.”

        She sighed and trotted over, wrapping her forehooves around my head in the suggestion of a hug. Either she knew not to mess with my barrel or I was really lucky. “Yeah, I know. Your Mom’s going to kill me when she finds out, though.”

        “What if she didn’t find out?” I asked as Scootaloo pulled away. I tilted my head at her. “There’s no reason she has to know, right?”

        “Sweetie, I promised her I’d keep an eye on you and let her know if anything goes wrong. This counts as pretty wrong to me.”

        “It’s not that bad,” I said, waving a hoof. “I’ve got a few scrapes and bruises, maybe I pulled something, but–”

        “You broke several ribs, actually,” the nurse in the corner of the room said. She was still there? Her cutie mark must’ve been a wallflower.

        “Basically the same thing,” I said, looking back to Scootaloo. “I’ll be out of here in a few hours, take a nap, do my show, and everything will be fine. It’s not like it’s that big a deal.”

        “Are you kidding me?” Scootaloo asked, wings flaring. Oh, great, were we going to get in another fight? And if so, would this count as our fifth fight of the day or our first? I sighed. “You had a giant freak-out, ran out into the middle of the road, and almost got run over.” And definitely got run into. “That’s a pretty big deal in my book.”

        “Then your book’s pretty small,” I said, rolling my eyes. No! Stop, we need to fix the problem, not make it worse. “Look, I admit, yesterday was pretty rough; first Mom left, then I had all the singing failures, and…” I sighed slowly, deflating into my bed. “I don’t know, I guess seeing that bar just put me over the edge. Like, that dream probably wasn’t a dream, and I almost died a second time. The only reason I didn’t was because of Bright Lights.” Assuming the dream happened like that. It made a good story, at least. “And now, you’re going to go and tell Mom, and she’ll come up, and she’ll never leave me alone again, and… and I thought I could be kind of free, but you know if she comes back, she’s taking me with her to the castle.”

        Scootaloo sighed and stared off beyond the walls of my room. “Even if I don’t tell her, Doctor Hooves will see something’s up at your next appointment, and then she’ll find out.”

        Shoot! I hadn’t thought about him, and Luna... No, she was fine. She already said she didn’t want to break my confidence. That just left Doctor Hooves.

        I smiled, mostly for Scootaloo’s benefit. “Spoken like a mare who’s never had to hide her bruises before.” Scootaloo raised an eyebrow. I sighed. “Not like that. You know the stuff Bright Lights and I liked to get into, or at least, you kind of do. Some nights, we’d bust out the riding crop, and the next morning, we’d have to hide it. It’s amazing what some makeup and a dress will do.” And I was already planning on wearing the turtleneck to my performance tomorrow, anyways.

        She rubbed her forehead. “Just… The worst part of that is that thanks to you, I kind of get the appeal.” There was a pause as she thought. “You want to do the same thing to me, don’t you?”

        “Yep,” I said, grinning to hide the flicker of irritation between my eyes. Again, somepony was comparing me with her, and this time… Well, she always did her BDSM kind of safely. No safewords, but I don’t think she actually knew about them. If I told her to stop, she stopped, I think. Or maybe I never asked her to stop. I definitely didn’t remember her going on after I asked her not to.

        “Which means…” the phantom of Bright Lights said, standing double to Scootaloo. 

        I sighed.

        We were the same. Not in every way, not even most ways, but in this particular case, if I did this for Scootaloo, I’d be… I’d be acting just like her. The things I did for love.

        “Oh, please, you know you’re going to enjoy it,” Bright Lights said, looking over at Scootaloo, her eyes resting on her flank. “You’ve been enjoying it. Thinking of new humiliations and degradations for her has been the solitary bright point in your life lately, and I bet if I asked whether you’ll use a paddle, whip, rod, or riding crop for her first time, you’d give me an answer right away.”

        Feather duster. Most ponies didn’t think about the plastic rod in the center of it, it was lightweight so not likely to break the skin, and… Yeah, I was going to enjoy it, but I was also doing it for her. Mostly for her. Mostly.

        “You’re enjoying us, right?” I asked, scooting up in my bed slightly, eyes trained on her, looking for any hint of deception. 

        “Uhh… yeah,” she said, eyes flicking away for a second. That was more than a hint.

        “Scootaloo…” I said, looking at her levelly. “How many times have you told me to be honest with you?” I didn’t listen, but that didn’t change that she’d said it.

        “Yeah, alright,” she said, looking back at me. “Look, I’m enjoying it, it’s fun, it really is, but… don’t you think we’re fighting too much?”

        I rolled my eyes. “Uhh… no, I don’t, because I’m a complete idiot. Of course, I do! But… it just takes time. This is new to both of us, we’re both coming to this from really different angles, so there are obviously going to be some issues, but I like to think we’re ironing them out. But the sex is good, right?”

        She nodded, eyes going wide. “Yeah,” she said. I grinned. “Yeah, it is. It’s crazy and I don’t think half of it’s possible, but it’s also amazing. I just kind of feel bad that you’re doing all the work.”

        That was a smidge annoying, but… one day. “I like watching you,” I said, “I like seeing you happy, and if I’m making you happy, then I’m fine.” Plus, I had magic, which helped so much.

        “Thanks for being so cool,” she said, smiling and rubbing the back of her head. “And sorry if I’ve been snapping at you too much lately, I just want to take care of you.”

        “Well, I don’t need that much taking care of,” I said, nodding and ignoring the look she gave me. “Okay, so maybe I’ve had a few little problems, but it won’t happen again.”

        “Doesn’t matter,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m still not letting you out of my sight again.” No, no, no. That’s not… Ugh. I needed to be out of her sight for my plan to work..

        “Come on,” I said, smiling up at her from my hospital bed. “I’m not planning on running into any roads again.”

        “Were you planning on running into the road tonight?” she asked, looking at me and raising an eyebrow. 

        “No.” Great, she wasn’t going to make this easy for me, because who wants that? Time to improvise. “Okay, I get you want someone to look after me, but I don’t want you to waste your life doing it. I want you to get out there and chase your dreams.”

        “Look, the racing stuff, it doesn’t really matter that much, what I want is for you to–”

        “Liar!” I shouted. “Do you have a taking-care-of-Sweetie mark on your flank? I don’t think so, and I’m not going to let the mare I love ignore her dreams for me.” I closed my eyes. “What if we hired someone, kind of like a babysitter, to take care of me when you’re not around?” Humiliating to be seventeen and still have a babysitter, but it allowed her to do what she loves.

        “And it allows you to get what you want,” Bright Lights said. “Or are you not planning on ‘encouraging’ her to go to the Hoofington Open?”

        Okay, so we both got something we wanted my way, that didn’t mean it was a bad plan. “I guess…” Scootaloo sighed. “I suppose that’ll work, but who are we going to get? Are we just going to hire a nurse or…?”

        “What about Page Turner?” I asked, tilting my head and smiling at her. I gestured my head at the seat cushion near the table. “She seemed nice.”

        “She’s got her own job,” Scootaloo said. “I don’t want to–”

        “What does she do?” I asked, sitting up and wincing. Could the healing spell mend the bones any slower? “Because she thought The Olive was pretty pricey, so I bet we can match her pay.”

        Scootaloo shook her head, trotting over to the seat and throwing it towards my bed. “You’re not going to rest on this, are you?”

        “Nope,” I said, grinning. “Come on, you know I’m right.” I always am.

        She rubbed her forehead. “I want to talk with her first. Lay down some rules and stuff. Plus, we’re going to have to write your mom asking if she’ll give us some extra money without mentioning exactly why we’re hiring her.”

        “That’s easy,” I said, waving a hoof.  If she thinks it’ll help me get better, she’ll do it in a hoofbeat.

        “Ooh, wonderful, prey on your mother’s love for you, while keeping her in the dark,” Bright Lights said, standing just behind Scootaloo. “Your callous disregard for others’ feelings is truly something to behold.” 

        I poofed her away. Not fair, I wasn’t hurting her, I was just doing… Just doing what I had to to keep Scootaloo happy and get what I needed in Hoofington. It was almost all for Scootaloo. She just didn’t know the extent of it.

        “If she’s interested, alright,” Scootaloo said. “And does it really have to be her? You just met her, and she’s dating my arch-enemy.”

        What did she know about arch-enemies? “You seemed to be getting along okay after the race,” I said, tilting my head. “You worked together to get me off the road, and he could’ve just gone ahead and won the race with you out of the way.”

        “He doesn’t want to win because I’m distracted. If I’m not at my best, he can’t brag about it,” she said.

        “Yeah, that doesn’t sound like arch-enemies,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I have an arch-enemy, and she’s the worst enemy ever. You have a friendly rival. I’d kill for a friendly rival.” Or even an unfriendly rival. Dazzler wasn’t that bad, and after Bright Lights, I’d take an honest enemy over a false friend any day.

        “Okay, well, still, you have no idea how irritating he is with that stupid chiseled jaw and smug look in his eyes, and all his…” She smiled. “He goes on so much about how he’s the best racer out there, and every couple of weeks, I get to prove him wrong.”

“I thought you were talking about how irritating he was,” I said, snorting. Because that totally didn’t sound like she had a crush on him. Still, I could use that… The rivalry, not the crush. “And it doesn’t really matter, right? Like, he’s going to the Hoofington Open, and do you think he’ll qualify?”

She nodded. “Yeah, he’s pretty good. Not as good as me, but definitely a distant second.” I grinned. Pride and vanity, I knew how terrible they could be, and how easy it would be for somepony to take advantage of it.

“So, it sounds like it doesn’t matter,” I said, looking away from her. “He’s going to qualify in the Open, probably do pretty well, and then he’ll be a professional racer, while you’ll still be doing the whole underground street racer thing. That’ll kind of settle who’s best, right?” I tilted my head, so I could see her in the corner of my vision. See that snap of her tail.

“Please, if he wins the Open, it’s only because I’m not there,” she said, flaring her wings. “I could smoke everyone there in my sleep and leaving them sucking on my dust.”

“Then do it,” I said, matching her stare. “Prove you’re better, instead of just saying it.” A quote from one of her favorite movies popped in my head. “Otherwise, it sounds like your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash.” I grinned, primitive and feral, daring her to take the bait.

She threw her head back and gave a snort. “I totally would, but I’ve got to take care of you. They’ll still be there next year.”

“What if he’s not? What if he wins the Open and decides to call it quits, just so you can never challenge him again? Besides, if you hire the sitter, it’s not a problem, is it? I’ll have somepony sitting next to me the whole time I’m cheering you on in the bleachers. That’s your chance to kick his flank and have it published so everypony in Equestria can read about it.” And then she could be the one in the news instead of me. That would be a fun change.

She stood frozen, gears grinding in her head. “And you’d have someone watching over you the entire time I’m making the circuit?”

“Yep,” I said, nodding my head. “And she’s a unicorn, so if I do freak out, which I won’t, she can hold me still with her magic.”

“We’d have to leave about a week earlier on our trip to do the qualifying heats,” she said. “Is that okay?”

I rolled my eyes. “Oh my gosh, yes. Will you please stop trying to find problems and just accept me being nice to you? Otherwise, I’m going to have to be mean and punish you.”

“Really?” she asked, tilting her head and getting to her hooves and taking a step towards me, her face inches from mine. “What would you do to me?”

I leaned up and nuzzled her, ignoring the stabbing pain in my side. “Well, I think I’d start by–” Somepony cleared their throat, and we both whipped our heads around to see the nurse still sitting next to the door, a magazine in her hooves.

“Oh, you’re…” Scootaloo stumbled backwards, cheeks burning scarlet. I tried not to laugh at the sight. I might’ve failed for, like, a second. Scootaloo tried to glare at me through her embarrassment.

“That’s…” I gave another giggle. “I think that’s a pretty good first punishment,” I said. “Ooh! Maybe I can have you go, grab the outfit, and do a little parade around the hospital.”

“Wait, you mean the outfit?” she asked, staring at me like I’d just burned all her Rainbow Dash stuff. “The one with…” She trailed off, not wanting to finish the thought in front of strangers.

“Come up with another reason why you shouldn’t do the race and see,” I said, grinning at her. Although, actually, probably not. I think just wearing that thing outside would break all sorts of decency laws, but if she pressed me, I’d just have her wear the schoolgirl costume, with its glorious gaskin-high socks that climbed up almost to her barrel. I stifled another giggle. Definitely going to have her walk around in those anyways. Especially if I had her put in…

My thought trailed off, as I noticed the way Scootaloo was looking at me. “Do I want to know, and do I want to hear it with somepony else around?”

More laughter. “Maybe for the first one, and definitely not for the second one.” I glanced at the nurse. “Which I think is a pretty good reason to tell you. Have you ever heard of Purrmese bells?”

They both tilted their heads, and I laughed way too hard, ending up clutching at my side. “Okay, well, what you do with them is you spread–”

“Heard enough!” Scootaloo shouted as I burst out into another fit of giggles. She looked to the nurse. “I’m sorry, I swear she gets off on embarrassing me.”

“Of course, I do,” I said, grinning at Scootaloo. “You do too. It’s kind of the core of our relationship.”

She groaned. “Can I take you anywhere? I’m really sorry about this, again.”

“You can take me to Hoofington,” I said, giving a happy sigh. “Anyways, I have this great idea for our next game, and–”

“Later, alright,” Scootaloo said. I glared at her. She was doing that thing, telling me what to do, while I was playing. Still... 

“Alright,” I said, smirking at her, promising punishment for speaking up. She tried to hide her shiver, maybe from me, maybe from the nurse. Hopefully not from me. I looked to the nurse. “So, when can I go?”


> 13. I'll Sink Manehattan
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

      It turned out, the answer to how long until I could go home was: soon. I was back in my own bed a bit after the sun rose, nuzzling my head into the pillow. Convincing Scootaloo I should be in my own place instead of her apartment was easy enough, especially since it had the benefit of being true. I stretched out, sweeping my arms wide as they rose with an easy languid movement, imagining the way my body contorted and twisted in my mind. If only Scootaloo could see the simple beauty of a stretching mare in motion. Instead, she was on the far side of my mammoth bed, eyes closed, while I was under the covers. One day she’d see it.

        The Dreaming came to me quickly, Luna was gone. Of course she was; it was morning, and her watch was over. I settled down to watch over the few remaining dreamers. Late sleepers or night-shifters. I smiled as Scootaloo’s dream drifted past. I didn’t bother to look at it, and instead closed my eyes, allowing my mind to drift through the long day. A spike of pain, a breaking, a mare stretching, smoky music drifting over a lounge, the yelling past, a night’s twisted reflection of day: I let it all wash over me.

        Scootaloo sat. Sat in the center of my life, everything bending around her. I leaned in for a better look and saw myself, sitting just beneath her, bending her around me. Everything bends around you.

A dam crumbled, a diamond hole cut in it, allowing water to rush out and the rest of the concrete to give way. I looked up, sunlight filtering down through a rushing torrent of water. Let it all wash over me. I opened my mouth to laugh, and water rushed in, filling my lungs as the crushing weight forced me deeper into mud. I watched. What would happen next?. You know what’s going to happen next.

        I looked down at myself to see somepony else. Scootaloo at the bottom, being crushed into dirt and trying to mouth something before the ground swallowed her up. My name. “Bright Lights.”

        Where? I twisted around to try and see her, but the water, a mix of shades between white, purple, and pink, clouded my vision. All I could do was drift over the riverbed of Scootaloos, all mouthing my name over and over, all shouting their love, begging the river to grind them in deeper. The river obeyed.

        I bubbled through the valley, washing through everything, spreading out as far as I could. Whole farms drowned, the rushing wall of me flattened Ponyville like it was made of sticks. Mom and Twilight clung to the tip of Twilight’s castle, and I lapped at their hooves. They just stared at me as I rushed on.

        The club stared at me, I opened my mouth to say something, but not my voice came out. “It’s a shame what happened to Sweetie,” it said. Bright Lights. “So much potential, but now… Her entire purpose in life gone in a snap.” Something grumbled in the ground, growing louder as Bright Lights spoke. Nopony but me – her? Who was I? – noticed. “But she wasted it all, turned to dangerous distractions, instead of what matter–” The walls broke, the flood of white water came in to sweep the whole thing away and silence the pony who stole my voice.

        The floodwater of myself receded, leaving a blank slate behind. I trotted onto the floodplain, hooves digging into damp soil as I walked. “Help me,” a pony screamed, hooves and head sticking up out of the ground. “Please, Sweetie, you have to help me.” I trotted close to her, struggling to recognize her. She seemed so familiar: pink mane, blue coat... I’d seen her somewhere before. Another step and she shifted into an orange pegasus. Another, and she was a white unicorn. She cycled between the three ponies as one. I reached out a hoof to help her and looked up to see myself, staring down at me as I struggled to get out of the dirt. I smiled and shoved me deeper into the earth, soil filling mouth and nostrils as I struggled for the next breath, flickering back to the mare under the river, kicking my legs, trying to get to the surface. A kick, a kick, another kick, and the light above grew brighter as my lungs burned for air. I had to break through or I'd drown.

        Swim or die. Swim or die. Unspoken words echoed in my ear as my back legs kicked and my forearms reached up for the sun. A white hoof reached into the water to pull me up. I ignored it and kicked, not trusting the hoof that would hold me under. Kick. Kick. My arms broke through the water. One more kick, and–

        My eyes opened as I sucked in air and water. I coughed and kicked, seeing sunlight pouring onto silk sheets. My bed. I was in bed. I exhaled. How long since I’d just let myself dream? Scootaloo stirred as I crawled out of the sheets. Afternoon sunlight. I yawned and stumbled to the bathroom, glancing at the clock on the wall. Three o’clock. Scootaloo would be up soon, hopefully. It didn’t matter much. I needed to get ready for my show.

        You could rehearse.

        I nodded. I could do that. It’d probably be a good thing to do, too. Of course, more likely than not, that’d end with me just getting angry with my reflection. Again.

        At least you won’t end up vaporizing this one. Probably.

       I shut the bathroom door and undid my bandages. If I looked close, I could see the bruises and cuts under the fur. Well, less cuts, and more bits where my body skidded against asphalt. I went to the medicine cabinet and pulled out another bandage wrap, setting it down on the edge of the sink.

        My magic grabbed the bath faucet and turned, and a stream of water rushed out. Maybe I could sing in the tub? A lot of ponies who couldn’t sing sang in the shower; I could be one of them. Plus – I tilted my head – hot bath. Not many better ways to start your day, no matter how late it was.

        I watched the tub fill up, steam rising from it as an image of fresh-boiled Sweetie popped in my head. Didn’t some griffons cook food like that? I floated a box of bubble-bath over and imagined being a little frog in a big boiling pot. Did they put the frog in there when it was room temperature or throw it in after it was good and hot? I tilted my head at the box of bubbles. Bubbles were fun, but– An image of being buried under dark water popped into my head as light faded away. No bubbles today. I turned the water off and lowered myself into the tub, letting the hot water dull the ache in my side. You know, this is terrible posture for singing. Obviously, I did, and I really didn’t care. I opened my mouth, cleared my throat…

        And waited. How can I even describe that stupid feeling? It’s like… You know how to do something, you’re trying, but there’s this block where your brain just refuses to do anything. You’re standing there, staring at the ceiling, screaming ‘Sing, sing, sing!’ in your head, knowing it’s the easiest thing in the world, basically breathing, but your stupid throat’s closed up so you can barely breathe, something’s gripping your chest so tight you think you’re going to collapse into yourself, and the whole time, she’s just there, laughing.[

        “Sing for me.”

        I sighed and closed my eyes, sinking into the tub deeper so my mane floated and spread out, waving a hoof through the glossy strands as the heat drew the frustration out of me.. Maybe if I could get on the stage, instinct would just take over?  Every time I’d sung since I woke up, I hadn’t really been thinking about it. It was just something I needed to do. I sat up.

        The shampoo bottle floated over to me and I squirted it out into my mane, rubbing it in deep with a free hoof, while returning the bottle to its home. So, how could I sing without thinking about it? That was like one of those stupid thought puzzles, like what’s the sound of a tree falling in the woods.

        You’re doomed.

        Yeah, probably. It was going to end up bad, but what didn’t? Would it be better to just not go? I closed my eyes and sank back into the water, careful to keep my muzzle above the surface. If I didn’t go tonight, I might not get another chance to be so anonymous, and if I didn’t go tonight… that was just like admitting I failed. You did fail.

        Whatever, I couldn’t stop trying.  I was going to fix everything, somehow. One day, I’d take the stage, and I’d sing again, and then I’d grind Bright Lights’ face into the dirt.

        I smiled and rinsed my hair, running my hooves through the mane to work it all out.

        “What a fun little fantasy,” Bright Lights’ voice said, words as clear as ever, even though my ears were under the water. “You get your perfect life back, and show me how nasty I am. That doesn’t change one thing, though.”

        “What’s that?” I asked, sighing. What little nugget of self-loathing wisdom did my subconscious wisdom have for me now? Probably something I’d never heard before. Definitely not something about how broken I was.

       “You can’t sing for me,” she said. I opened one eye to see her standing at the edge of the bath, looking down at me like she’d just said the cleverest thing ever. I rolled my eyes and splashed a hoof at her. My subconscious’ taunts were just getting lame. 

        “Got it, thanks,” I said, sitting up and grabbing the conditioner. “So, if there’s nothing else, I’d really like to just get back to washing my mane and my revenge fantasies.” I tilted my head at inspiration. Or maybe other fantasies. 

        A mare took the stage, and beyond the lights could see an auditorium of ponies waiting to be carried away to rapture. I lit my horn up, and sank back into the water, letting the magic wash over me as I worked the old familiar spell, tightening my strings as a delicious tension curled up inside me, the violin begged to be played, screaming out for the touch of her bow as a concerto bubbled up inside her.

        My whole body shone with magical light as the bow first drew across my strings, my notes rising high above the audience. A hint and tease of what was to come. A promise to be delivered upon immediately as the bow drew back and the notes bubbling up inside me found its outlet. I sang. A song perfect and unique, never to be repeated: primal, raw, and true. As the spell and song ended, I laughed, the coda to Sweetie’s Bathtub Sonata. Maybe I could put something like it on an album, I bet my old fans would love it. The ponies who read about me in the paper, definitely would. Magic sputtering with fatigue, I grabbed the plug and pulled, draining the dirty water and pouring in clean. I floated, emptied and leaden. 

        The world stood still in the tub as water lapped around my body. Content. That’s what the feeling was, like I’d overdosed on Zen, but without what it tried to hide. Just a mare floating in a bath, the outside world obliterated. Water refreshed, I let myself drift on the endless ocean, tail occasionally scraping against the tub’s bottom, sending the last few ripples of applause up my spine. A grin spread out on my face. Not a standing O, but still an ovation.

        Eventually, the water cooled, eternity ended, and I came back to a world of problems. I sighed and lifted my head up, grabbing the loofah and scrubbing myself clean before doing the fun twistaround to clean my tail before reluctantly getting to my hooves and draining the water. The bandages I’d laid out earlier floated over to me, and I wrapped my bruises and cuts after applying a healing cream the doctors gave me. I went through the rest of the routine, styling my mane, putting on my makeup, making sure I looked as close to perfect as I could. I nodded at the mare in the mirror. She looked good. I smiled and turned the door handle, only to find an orange pegasus staring at me. “About time,” she said, looking at me. “Why do you always have to take so long in the bathroom?”

        I grinned at her. “So I look good.” Also for other, more personal, reasons. Reasons I wouldn’t have if she could just get past her issue with mares. “Plus, I wanted to take a bath and just spend some time relaxing. You know?”

        “Yeah, alright,” she said, struggling to get past me. “Can I please get in there?”

        “There are other bathrooms here,” I said, rolling my eyes and stepping aside, pirouetting around her as she rushed past so I was on the other side of the door. “It’s not like your apar–” The door slammed shut. I sighed and trotted to the kitchen. My outfit for tonight was still at Scootaloo’s apartment, which meant I had to go back there.

“It’s not so bad,” Mom said from behind me. “Perhaps a touch smaller than you’re accustomed to, but it could be worse.” I stared at her. “Though I admit, it could use a bit of cleaning. Perhaps administered via flamethrower.”

“No kidding,” I said, pulling a bowl out of the cabinet and grabbing cereal from the pantry. “How can she live like that?”

“Well, I hasten to point out that the two of you excel in different areas. While you have a greater interest in – perhaps neatness is the wrong word, because I think your true love is opulence – elegance and beauty, Scootaloo has mastered the art of not eating like a filly,” she said, still standing at the border of the kitchen.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked over the sound of cereal clinking in the bowl. I swung the refrigerator door open and sighed. It’d been months, any milk I had was bad now.

“Sweetie, that cereal is almost pure sugar,” Mom said, taking a step closer. “And it pains me to say this, but your palate lacks a certain level of sophistication. For you, it seems, sweeter is better.”

“It is in my name,” I said, putting the spoon in the bowl and taking a bite. A bit drier than usual, but still good enough.

“And the Cakes are named after cakes, but they eat more than just baked confections. Even Applejack tries foods beyond her orchard. Besides, your talent has nothing to do with sugar,” she said, picking up my box of cereal and putting it in the pantry. A pulse with my horn revealed the box had moved. Great, I could cast magic without noticing it now. More fun facts for Dr. Matter.

“Okay,” I said, trotting to the dining room. “You have a point, and I guess it is possible for foods to be too sweet. Like, I’ve had some foods that weren't that sweet, but they still tasted good because they had a bunch of other flavors all playing with each other.”

Mom sighed. “If we’re going to talk more about food, we simply must work on your culinary vocabulary.” She sat across from me.

“Oh?” I asked, tilting my head at her. “What should I have said?”

She shook her head. “If you don't know, I don't know, but I’m absolutely positive there’s never a reason to say your foods tastes are ‘playing with each other.’ That’s just filtering the world through your oversexed lens.”

“Hey, I’m not oversexed,” I said, taking a bite of my cereal and then using the spoon to point at her. “If anything, I’m undersexed, unless you count the stuff I do when I’m alone, and that’s not sex, just–”

“Yes, yes,” Mom said, waving a hoof. “Alright, oversexualized lens. Better?”

I nodded. Maybe I thought about sex a touch more than most ponies.

“So… I should eat more than just sweet food and not say my food’s playing with itself. Anything else?” I asked.

“Many, many things,” she said, looking at me. “And you know what’s chief on my agenda, but–” The door to the bedroom opened, and Scootaloo trotted through, mane still damp. She’d managed to use the restroom and take a bath in the time it took me to pour and eat half a bowl of cereal. How? My eyes flicked back to the empty space Mom’d been sitting at a second ago.

“Hey,” I said, getting on my hooves and trotting over to her. I nuzzled up to her cheek and ignored the usual tension she got when I touched her like a mare. I ran through the list of demeaning outfits she could wear tonight, and caught the smell of her shampoo still on her coat. So she had actually bathed. Somehow. Was she a time traveller? I know she didn’t deal with makeup, or her mane, or just floating in the bathtub, but still, that was fast. “Sleep well?”

She nodded, still a tiny smidge of sleep in her eye. “Yeah, great. I’ll give you this, your bed is way comfier than mine.”

And the sky was blue. I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, it is. We can sleep here more often if you like, it gives us... space.” I packed the last word with as much implication as I could.

“But I like my apartment,” Scootaloo said. I sighed. “Look, I know it’s not as big as you’re used to–” Or nice looking. “–But I’m used to it, and I like it.” I stared at her. “It’s not that bad, Sweetie.”

“Yeah, well, I like my penthouse, and I’m used to that, so we can either go with the tiny apartment that doesn’t even have a bed for me or my penthouse which has multiple unused bedrooms with multiple unused beds that can all comfortably fit a lot of ponies. We have room to live here, and if you want, we can even bring Rusty.” I tilted my head. Of course, he wouldn’t accept the offer, but we could still make it. “I don’t really care, but I’d like an apartment with a bed I can actually sleep in.”

"And I’d like an apartment you didn’t almost die in,” she said, pointing a hoof at the crack in the window. I winced.

"I thought that’d be nice too, but you know what? Given the choice between a really nice apartment where I almost died and a kind of garbage apartment where I didn’t, I’ll take really nice every time,” I said, keeping my eyes on her and standing my ground.

“We could just get a new apartment,” Scootaloo said. My anger deflated. Yeah, we could, couldn’t we?

“Alright,” I said, trotting back to my seat at the table. “Start looking after I finish my appointment with Doctor Hooves tomorrow?”

She nodded. “Sure,” she said. “I’ll try and look through some of the classifieds tonight... before you sing.”

“Great,” I said, taking another bite of cereal. “I kind of need to pick up my outfit for tonight, so after breakfast, what do you say we go back to your place?”

“Sounds good,” she said, taking a seat across from me. “Are you ready to sing tonight? Because if you’re not–”

I grinned and lied, shutting her up as fast as I could. “Absolutely.” Inspiration flashed in my brain. That would keep her from getting all annoying. Plus, sexy. "But I think we need to work on what you're wearing."


♪♪♪


        I stood at the entrance to the Around the Clock Cafe, Scootaloo standing a few hooves behind me in the schoolmare outfit we’d grabbed from my penthouse. Ponies glanced at her as they walked past, and the heat of her embarrassment threatened to incinerate the city. No Purrmese bells, but they could wait for later. I took a breath to calm myself and trotted inside. “Remember, the pony you’ll need to speak with will be sitting next to the stage,” Mom said, trotting next to me and pointing a hoof where I needed to go. I nodded and followed her direction.

        “Hi,” I said to the caramel-coated mare. “Uhmm… is it too late to register for the open-mic night?”

        “Not at all,” she said, keeping her eyes on the paper in front of her and drawing her pencil to the sign-up sheet. “Name and what you’ll be doing?”

        “I’d like to sing a song, and… uhmm... Sweetie Belle,” I said, still smiling and glancing back at Scootaloo.

        “Very fun–” She lifted her head up to see me and froze. “You’re… You’re not joking.”

        “Nope,” I said, shaking my head and still smiling. “So, can I still sing a song?”

        She worked her mouth, trying to coax it into saying something. “That… Uhmm… Why? I mean, yes, of course, but why here?”

        “What’s it matter?” Scootaloo said, barging up next to me. “She wants to sing, you have a microphone, why are you making it into an issue?”

        “Scootaloo,” I said, resting a hoof on her backside and looking at her. “I can handle this, okay?” As I looked at her, she remembered her embarrassment and backed away. I grinned triumphantly.

        The mare was pencilling something at the very bottom of the sign up sheet. “I just… I want to get back into singing,” I said, “but I don’t want to do Bridleway singing anymore, and I thought here might be a good place to start? If that’s okay.”

        “Yes, of course, absolutely, whatever you say,” she said, staring across at me like she’d just seen a bolt of lightning saunter into her bottle and ask if she could put the lid on. “We have a backstage office we use whenever we have actual performers, and you’re more than welcome to stay there before your song. We’ll send somepony to fetch you when it’s time.”

        “Well, shouldn’t I just stay out with everypony else?” I asked, tilting my head. “I don’t want any special treatment.”

        “Yes, yes, normally you would, but considering your fame and… notoriety, I just thought it would be better if you were given a measure of privacy. That’s all,” she said, looking back at a door next to the stage. I glanced at Scootaloo, who was too busy staring at her hooves to notice.

       “I guess that makes sense,” I said, trotting to the door. “So just through there, or…” I stopped as I noticed Scootaloo following behind me. “Uhmm, could you stay out here, please?”

        “Really?” she asked, looking at me like I’d just sprouted a second head and snapping out of her shame. “After last night, you want me to stay outside?”

        “Yeah,” I said, nodding my head. “Basically.” I looked at her and sighed. “I like being alone before a show, it lets me clear my head and get out those butterflies. If you want to stay outside the room, that’s fine, but I’d really just like it if you let me be alone for this.”

        “Ugh, fine,” she said, flicking a wing. “I’ll be right outside your door, and I want another person there with me too.” She looked at the mare behind the desk, who just nodded.

        I smiled at Scootaloo, taking a step towards her and dropping my voice low and husky. About time she remembered who was in control. “You know, I’m really proud of you, being so strong and assertive, even though you look like…” I waved a hoof, gesturing to all the ponies who’d been glancing at her when they thought we weren’t looking. “Well, you know, a lot of lesser mares would have a hard time acting confident when they know every stallion in the room’s staring at them like…” I paused, faking a frown. “Actually, I wouldn’t know what a stallion sees when they look at you, but I bet you can come up with some ideas.” She shrank away, ears going flat against her head, giving me the opportunity to trot into the office room and close the door. If she wanted me to humiliate her, I wasn’t going to go easy on her, especially when she started getting… ideas.

        Wait – I shook my head – That was a bit mean, wasn’t it? It was supposed to be just a game, not me just completely controlling her life. “But that’s what she wants,” Bright Lights said as I looked around the room, ignoring her. There was a desk with a newspaper left on it, some cabinets, and a mirror. I grinned and trotted to it. Perfect.

        My eyes ran over my reflection: My beret tilted properly with the front resting against the base of my horn, my hair draped right over my shoulder, and my sweater was cleaned and neat. I held up a hoof to make sure my shoes were on right, and nodded in approval. I looked… I looked like me the version of me I wanted to project to Equestria. Everything about me looked perfect; the only teeny little issue was I still couldn’t sing.

        “You alright in there?” Scootaloo shouted from the other side of the door. “If you need anything–”

        “I’m fine,” I shouted back, shaking my head. I was fine. I couldn’t sing, but besides that, I was completely fine. I turned back to my reflection to try and fix that little issue.

        And failed. And tried. And failed. Again and again and again. I turned away from myself and slumped down at the desk. Time to face the music, or the lack thereof, I guess. I grabbed the newspaper with my magic and flipped it open. At least, I could help Scootaloo by looking at apartments.

        I flipped to the back of the paper, past news, past sports– I stopped at entertainment, a headline in the corner freezing me in place.



Lover brings shocking new allegations against Sweetie Belle



        What did I do this time? I scanned the article. “Blah blah blah, she’s a monster, sure, Bright Lights claims Sweetie Belle…” I paused, running over the next two words again and again. “Attacked her.”

        What?



        “When I finally tried to end things with Sweetie, she flew into a rage and slapped me, screaming I was nothing without her,” Bright Lights says. “That’s when I knew I had to share the truth with everypony, but I guess a part of me still wanted to protect her, to keep her last ugly secret safe.”



        What?!

       I stared at the paper, eye twitching. I did what now? “You can read,” the voice of Bright Lights said from behind me. I lit my horn up and blasted her into bits. She’d said more than enough.

        A lie. That was it. Maybe I couldn’t remember every last bit of my life in the penthouse, but I knew myself. I knew I wouldn’t hit a pony no matter how much they deserved it. I looked back at the paper and another flare of my horn turned it into ashes.

        Why? It was because I didn’t die, wasn’t it? My life wasn’t completely destroyed, she saw me trying to fix myself and move on, and she just couldn’t stand it, could she? Couldn’t stand the idea I might have some level of happiness without her. She ruined my life, and when she saw I might move on and fix some of the wounds she left, she started lying. “Remind you of anypony?” her voice rang in my ear.

        Just shut up and die! Real or hallucination, I didn’t care, she just needed to crawl in a hole and never bother me again. 

She laughed fire into my ear. “Sing for me, Sweetie.” A knock from the door and I grinned, feral and mad. She wanted me to sing for her? Okay.

        “Hey, they’re saying they’re ready for you, Sweetie,” Scootaloo said. I nodded and trotted to the door, opening it with a gentle twist of magic that felt like bashing the door open: Sweetie Belle the Firebrand. The needle in my head slotted into its groove as my song popped into place. Well, it wasn’t my song, I didn’t write it, but it was exactly the words I needed to sing.

        “Got it,” I said, looking around the hallway and seeing a grey stallion just next to Scootaloo. “So, I follow you?” The song played in my mind as I tweaked the few lines that just didn’t work. The second to last line definitely had to be changed. A quick peck on the cheek for Scootaloo. “Wait out in the audience or me.” She nodded and trotted a few steps into the packed crowd. How many hours had I been practicing? Enough to get the word out, I bet.

        “We cleared a path from here to the stage for you,” he said, bringing me back to the entrance of the main room. “Just wait for your cue.”

“And now, mares and gentlecolts, most of you know her from her Bridleway career and the rest of you know her from the papers…” There was a pause as some ponies chuckled. “But I’m very pleased to announce the one and only Sweetie Belle here for you tonight. Let’s all give her a warm welcome.” Ponies applauded and stomped their hooves, and I trotted past them all, head held high, moving deliberately, like I was doing them a favor letting them hear me.

I took the stage and stood defiant against the sea of onlookers. They whispered and gestured; occasionally, a coarse laugh rose above the rest. They were exactly where I wanted them. “I’ll sink Manehattan…” My voice rang out like a school bell, hanging high over the murmurs and smothering every other word in the room as I commanded attention. 

“Right into the sea
I’ll find the sweetest spot to watch
As it goes away.”

        Every eye in the room fixed on me, the ponies enraptured as my words spun around them, webbing them in their cocoon.

“A river of tiny tears will flow from your crocodile eyes.
Too late to apologize, I say, as flood waters rise.”

        Scootaloo was the only pony to understand, to know just who the song was about, but that didn’t matter, the other ponies didn’t need to understand, they just needed to listen.

“I’ll sink Manehattan
I’ll sacrifice friends
I think they’d understand my plan
I’ll never be sure.”

        I moved to the edge of the stage, drawing us together in the world of the song – my world – as I sang the changed line.

“Let’s let our poisoned love die
Too late to apologize, my love, now kiss me goodbye.”

        The song ended, ponies stared at me as the last note faded away, blinking their eyes as its magic ended, and then the room exploded with applause as they stomped their hooves and cheered.

       “Thank you all for coming,” I said, smiling and bowing for the audience. “I’m so happy to see you’re here, and when you go home tonight, I want you to tell your friends that Sweetie Belle’s singing again, and doesn’t plan to stop anytime soon.” I waved a hoof. “And please, enjoy the rest of the performances tonight.”

        “Actually, you’re our last performer tonight,” the mare from earlier said from right next to the stage. Of course I was; she’d made sure of it, hadn’t she? “And if you like, you still have time for one more song.”

        A murmur of ‘encore’ spread through the crowd like fire, and soon they were all chanting it in unison. I flashed my audience a smile. “Well, if you insist, who am I to say no?”

        Bright Lights wanted me to sing for her? Alright, I’d sing for her.

        I’d sing her eulogy.

> 14. If She Knew What She Wants
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        I lifted my head up from the sheet, blinking my eyes as the music faded away. “Does this look good to you?” I asked, passing the sheet to my new ‘executive assistant’.

        Page Turner frowned. “You know I really don’t feel qualified to judge,” she said, shaking her head. “If you want me to look for thematic elements or plot structure, I could do that, but rhymes and internal meter? It might as well all be Saddle Arabian.” She pointed a hoof at the bars above the lyrics. “This just looks like complete nonsense.”

        “It’s musical notation, it shows how you’re supposed to sing the words and–”

        She waved a hoof. “Yes, I know what musical notation is, Sweetie, I just don’t understand how to read it. Why are some of the circles with sticks on them empty and others are full, and some have tails that connect to other notes, and… Just because I know what something is, doesn’t mean I know how to read it.”

        “Oh,” I said, nodding my head and pointing a hoof at one of the notes. “So, this is a whole note. You hold it twice as long as as this one, which is a half note, and then these are quarter notes, and this is an–”

        “Eighth note?” she asked, tilting her head. I laughed.

        “See, you get it,” I said, smiling and looking back at my flank. “It’s also my favorite note, for reasons you can probably guess. Anyways, if a note has two tails on it, then it’s a sixteenth note, and it kind of goes from there, but I think I should have started by explaining the bars and–”

        “Sweetie, instead of trying to teach me musical notation, why don’t you just sing it?” she asked. That would… I shook my head. It would work a lot faster than trying to teach somepony how to read sheet music.”

        “Alright,” I said, grabbing my notes and tapping the bottom of the page against my desk. “So that verse is kind of supposed to sound like this…”

        “I’m sitting on the dock,
        grey gathers overhead,
        and wind begins to howl.
        The salt stings at my eyes, and my mane
        whips around the air.

        “From way up above,
        I see these specks flying around 
beneath me.
        As the thunder cracks,
        all that keeps me safe
        is this tiny pane of glass.
 	
A howl comes from outside,
a  crash and then a cry,
and the wind comes inside to
meet me.

        I stopped and looked down at the thing I’d spent the last hours working on. “Oh my gosh, it’s awful.” My pen slashed through lines freely between writing notes in the margins. “How could you let me write that?”

        “I thought it sounded nice,” she said, frowning as a tornado hit my desk, scattering papers to the wind. “But then, I don’t actually hear music much. Mostly, I just read lyrics in books and try to imagine what the song they go with sounds like.”

        “What’s wrong with you?” I asked, testing out new lines. “That’s, like, the worst way to experience music. You’re supposed to listen to it, not read it.”

        “Well, I like listening to orchestra pieces when I’m reading sometimes,” she said. Did she think about things outside of books? She had to. “But songs with lyrics get distracting.”

        “Alright,” I said, settling down as I finished my immediate notes. “But what did you think? Beyond its terribleness.”

        “I liked it,” she said, shrugging. “It was less angry and more… contemplative? Sad? It was nice having a song that didn’t sound like it was about her.”

        “Yeah,” I said, rubbing the back of my head and laughing as I removed the whole fourth verse. “That’s… you actually thought it was good? Really?”

        She paused, looking at the sheet music. “I’ve heard worse songs. It’s very easy to listen to, but the lyrics could be improved upon.” She started reorganizing my writing desk. “Also…” She trailed off, something on her mind she didn’t want to ask about. I decided to throw her a distraction.

        “Thanks for agreeing to help me,” I said. “It’s been nice having somepony around the last few days so Scootaloo can practice.”

        “No need to thank me,” she said, looking at me and smiling. “You’re paying better than my old job did, and the work gives me more free time. I should be thanking you for your generosity.” It really wasn’t that generous. It gave Scootaloo and me more free time than if we hadn’t hired her, and it was the only way I might be able to slip out of Scootaloo’s sight while we were in Hoofington.

        “Hey, you can keep my secrets, right? You don’t have to tell Scootaloo everything I do?” I asked, getting to my hooves. Speaking of Hoofington, it was time to get ready.

        “As long as you aren’t drinking or doing anything else that might be hazardous to your health,” she said. “Which I think means you’re about to ask me to overlook you doing something dangerous.”

        “Not really,” I said, shaking my head and gesturing for her to follow me into the bedroom so we could start packing up. “I just want to meet someone in Hoofington, and I kind of don’t want Scootaloo to find out about it.” Because if she found out, then Mom would find out, and that wouldn’t be fun for anypony, but especially me. And him, I guess.

        She magically pushed a loose strand of mane back behind her ears as she trotted after me. “I can’t promise anything. My ultimate responsibility is to your well-being.” There was a pause. “Plus, I’d rather not get on a princess’s bad side.”

        That was… “I don’t think Mom will do anything bad to you,” I said, trotting into the bathroom. “As far as I know, she hasn’t done anything to Bright Lights, so I think you’ll be fine. Probably. Getting fired by a princess probably doesn’t look very good on a resume, though.”

        “Yes, that’s exactly my wor–” She paused as we both realized what I’d said. The public might’ve known my mom was royalty, but they didn’t know she was my– “Your mother’s a princess too? I thought there was a debate over whether the title skipped over her directly to your sister or not.”

        “Uhmm… yeah, about that,” I said throwing my bottles of medicine into a bag. “So, see, the funny thing is Rarity isn’t actually my sister, she’s my mom, but it’s kind of a secret for now.”

        Page Turner just stared at me from the threshold to the bathroom. “Yes, okay, did I stumble into a book, because this is… we live drastically different lives.”

        I flattened my ears against my head. Did I do something wrong? “I’m sorry?” I said, frowning, bag still floating in my magic. 

        “Don’t apologize,” she said, shaking her head. “You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just not used to… You’re descended from a lost line of royalty, and you grew up thinking your mother was your sister. That doesn’t seem fantastically strange to you? Like the sort of fodder for lowbrow adventure stories?”

        “Well…” I tilted my head. “I guess it is kind of weird when you put it like that, but you didn’t grow up in Ponyville, so we probably have really different ideas of what’s weird.” I finished packing my kit and trotted out of the bathroom.

        “What does living or not living in Ponyville have to do with anything?” she asked, following behind me as I pulled a suitcase out of my closet. “And I’m pretty sure the largest city in Equestria has more ‘weirdness’ than Ponyville.”

        “You could definitely think that,” I said, nodding my head. “You’d be wrong, but you could totally think that. How many time loops did you get stuck in growing up?”

        She just stared at me, spending a few seconds trying to understand what I’d said. “Or did you ever have to deal with your own dark side? And I mean, like, an actual pony made out of all your repressed urges and stuff. Ooh! Or did you ever bake something so awful it almost destroyed the town? That one was in the time loop, so the two weird things kind of took care of each other. And basically every big bad thing that wants to destroy Equestria stops by Ponyville for the big showdown. Also, a lot of citizens are kind of friendly with Discord, and… I did spend another Nightmare Night as my costume, I can’t remember that one well, but I guess that was kind of odd too.”

        “That’s… What? How?” Page Turner stammered. I went back to packing up my stuff. “You just… time loop?”

        I nodded. “I actually got my cutie mark in it. I gave everypony their perfect day, got my cutie mark, and then the loop started over again.” My smile faded. “Do you know what it’s like? To do something wonderful for everypony you care about and then not have them remember it? I spent months planning it, and then – poof! – all gone, and before I could do it again, the loop ended.”

        Page Turner took a breath while I floated dresses into the suitcase. How many of Scootaloo’s outfits did I want to bring with me? Some, obviously, but – I sighed – it wouldn’t be terrible to have a kind of normal vacation, would it? Maybe go a whole day without having to humiliate her or degrade her or dress her up in a super-revealing costume… Well, maybe not the last one. “No, I suppose I don’t,” Page said. “And that’s what I mean when I say we lead drastically different lives. For me, any one of those things would be absolutely unbelievable. For you, the unbelievable’s mundane.”

        “That’s not…” I frowned. “Okay, maybe I did some unusual things – I know not everypony had my penthouse experience – but it’s not like my life is completely different from everypony else’s. I’m just a regular mare who did some really dumb things.”

        “And how many other ponies do you think had to face their own shadow?” she asked, still stuck on the few tiny odd things I did in my life.

        “Uhmm… all of Ponyville?” I said, tilting my head. “I’m not sure how wide Discord’s spell was, but I guess not that wide because I stopped getting affected by his Nightmare Night games when I left.”

        “And how many ponies do you think get stuck in a time loop?” she asked. 

        I nodded my head as I closed my suitcase and zipped it up. “I know two other ponies did, but that’s it. Maybe there’ve been others, but I didn’t hear about them. Still, that was just one thing. Everypony has at least one strange thing about them.”

        “Sweetie, there’s funny-coincidence strange and there’s breaking-the-laws-of-physics strange, and that’s on top of you being descended from a lost noble house,” Page said, looking around the room. “Is there anything else you want to pack?”

        I pointed to the armoire. “Makeup,” I said. “And alright, maybe… my life isn’t that crazy, is it?” Once you get past all the actual crazy like the voices in my head. Before that, it’s definitely pretty nutty.

        “It… It sounds like something I’d read in some bit novel,” she said, floating the makeup over to my bed so I could pack it up. “But that’s my entire point: We live different lives and your mundane strains my credulity.” She smiled. “Not that I’m complaining, I’ll take being assistant to a princess-in-waiting over binding books any day.”

        “Really?” I asked, tilting my head. “But being my assistant isn’t your special talent.”

        “Binding books isn’t, either,” she said, shrugging. “It’s related, but my love is reading, and it’s not like I can make a living just by doing that. I’d have to write reviews or something, and that’s not really interesting to me.”

        “So… you have a talent but you can’t make a living off it?” I asked, staring at her. “Is that even possible?”

        She stared at me until I realized what I’d said. “Sorry,” I said.

        “It’s fine,” she said, closing the suitcase and zipping it up. “And yes, it’s possible. I… I like writing well enough, but I don’t think anyone wants to read it.”

        “I’m sure you’re great at it,” I said, floating my luggage behind me. With four ponies going on the trip and considering how much we each packed, it’d probably be easier to get a cart once we were at the station. Speaking of which… “How many books are you bringing with you on the trip?”

        “Hmm… Thirty, I think? At least twenty, but I’ll probably buy some more at the train station or in Hoofington. Hoofington has a bookstore, doesn’t it?” she said, looking at me with actual fear in her eyes. Were most Manehattanites this clueless about what other towns had? Like, if it wasn’t a major city was it just a tiny rustic village to them? According to Mom, Twilight was the same way when she first got to Ponyville, though she wasn’t a Manehattanite, so maybe it was just a city pony thing?

        “Yes, Hoofington has a bookstore. It hosts one of the largest races in the country; it’s not some one-horse town,” I said, rolling my eyes and trotting to the door.

        “I just wanted to make sure,” Page said, following behind me. “Do you have everything?”

        Clothes? Check. Toiletries? Check. Makeup? Check. Medicine? Check and check. If I needed to write music, I had the bits to buy quill and paper there. I floated my saddlebags onto my back. “Yep,” I said. “Do you think I can borrow of a couple of your books on the train ride if  need them?”

        “Are you sure?” she asked. I turned back to see her frowning. “What if you’ve read all my books? We can stop by the–”

        “I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine mooching off you. Not counting my time in the hospital, I don’t think I’ve read a single book since I left school,” I said, opening the door and hearing the expected gasp of horror from her. I might as well have said I ate foals for breakfast.

        “How could you… How did you not go crazy?” she said. There was a pause as her words caught up to her.

        “It’s fine,” I said before she could apologize. “And I didn’t go crazy because reading’s not my special talent. It’s not the thing that gives me a burning itch in the back of my head if I forget to do it for a few days.” Or if I couldn’t do it for a few days. Or weeks. Not that that was a problem anymore.

        “I know,” she said trotting after me as I closed the door to the penthouse and locked it. “Intellectually, of course, I understand it, but… Three years and not even a single book?”

        “Nope,” I said, shaking my head and pushing the elevator button. “Or, if I did, I don’t remember it, which is actually totally possible. Like, I’m still not a hundred percent convinced I almost froze to death, and you’d think that’d be something I’d remember really well.”

        She sighed and got that look in her eyes that said I really shouldn’t have just casually mentioned almost dying. It kind of freaked most ponies out for… pretty good reason. “It’s fine,” I said, sighing as the door dinged open and I trotted in, setting my luggage down on the floor. “It might or might not’ve happened, and either way, I’m here, so I’ll chalk that up as pretty great. Better than not, right?”

        “Yes, of course, how can you even ask that?” she asked, stepping into the elevator after me. “I just… you’re so calm about it. How can you be so calm about it?”

        I shrugged and pressed the button for ground floor. “Like, I was really freaked out about it for a while. It’s not something I’m completely comfortable with, knowing that if I’d been just a little less lucky, I wouldn’t be here.” Or if Smartie me hadn’t planned for it, speaking of… “Ooh! I also drank a potion and became omniscient.”

        “What?” she asked, turning to look at me as we started our drop. “You… What does that even–”

        “Oh,” I said bobbing my head to the melody composing inside me. “You were asking about all the weird stuff that happened in Ponyville, and I completely forgot about when I became omniscient. Actually, that probably saved my life.” Although why she let me get that bad in the first place was beyond me.

        There was silence for a long time as we continued falling. “You know,” Page finally said after giving a sigh of defeat. “I think I’m just… I’m just going to give up trying to understand how and why these things happen to you and just go along with it.”

        “That’s what I’m trying to say!” I said as the elevator stopped moving. “You can’t just get hung up thinking about how you almost died, because nothing you ever do will change the fact that you almost fell to your death or froze solid. It’s just… you can’t escape it, so eventually, you have to accept it.”

        “That’s…” She paused. “I suppose that’s true about a lot of unpleasant things. Is that why you’ve been in such a good mood the last few days?”

        “What?” I asked, tilting my head and frowning. Page opened her mouth and I held up a hoof. “I heard what you said, I just… Let me think about it a second.” Okay, I had been in a pretty good mood the last few days, and… actually, it’d started around the same time we hired her. Did I like hanging around her that much? I looked at her. She was cute and nice enough to talk to, but I didn’t want to sleep with her anymore than usual. Yeah, it would be fun and nice, but we were both in relationships, and I didn’t want to mess mine up. Like I hadn’t messed it up already.

        “I don’t know,” I finally answered. “Maybe it’s just because I’ve finally gotten back to singing? You know, you get that itch if you don’t do your talent, and I had that itch burning back in my head for almost a season.” Of course, you were crazy before that, too.

        “Yeah, sure, but that doesn’t count, it was Bright Lights’ fault.” I blinked and caught the look from Page as the door opened. It took a long time, didn’t it? That was an out-loud thought, wasn’t it? I couldn’t have out-loud thoughts around ponies. “Sorry,” I said, smiling at Page. “It’s…”

        “I’m used to it,” she said, hiding a frown. “It’s just a little quirk of Sweetie Belle, right?” It was a crazy-pony quirk, but… it was a me-quirk now, too.

        “Anyways,” I said, shaking the thought out and heading through the door. “Pick up your things, and then train station?” She nodded.


♪♪♪


        “Hey, are you excited?” I asked, trotting to my marefriend and throwing my hooves around her in an embrace. She stiffened and I withdrew. Right. How could I forget?

        “Sure am,” she said, smiling at me. I just stared at her. “Are you alright? You look upset.”

        “Are you questioning me?” I asked, looking between her and Roller and flicking my tail. Humiliate her in front of him? If that’s what it took.

        She frowned. “I was asking if you were okay because you looked ticked off.” She turned to Page, who’s saddlebags were threatening to burst from their load. She was carrying it pretty well. “Did anything happen today?”

        Page looked between the two of us for a second. “No, today was good. She wrote a few songs, and they sound very nice. You should have her sing them some time.” Ha, not until I fixed the lyrics first. And the meter. And… they needed a few more edits before they were even close to good.

        “Yeah, maybe,” Scootaloo said, shaking her head. “Although I’m not sure how I feel about you writing songs about Bright Lights. Isn’t that just giving her more power? ”

        “Because it helps me,” I said, standing ground and not mentioning that the newest song wasn’t about her. That wasn’t the point. “It lets me get my thoughts out. Let’s me… It’s helping me work out my issues. I’m not just going to forget about it, no matter how awful it was.” We tried forgetting. Forgetting didn’t work.

        “Okay, if you two want to get into another argument and miss your train, that’s cool, but we’re going in,” Roller said, interrupting us before Scootaloo could give her comeback. “Page?”

        Page looked at Scootaloo for permission. There was a nod and a sigh. “Yeah, I guess we should be going, too,” Scootaloo said, trotting to our car and pulling our tickets out of her saddlebags.

        “Hey, did you bring your scooter?” I asked, looking at Scootaloo and Roller and noticing their absence. Scootaloo laughed.

        “Yeah, I remembered my scooter, Sweetie, it’s in the luggage compartment. I’m not going to lug it around on my back the whole time we’re on the train,” she said. My ears flattened. Oh, that made sense. Of course it did. Why did I even bother trying to help?

        “We’ve got our own cabin, right?” I asked, stepping past her and hopping onto the carriage, grabbing our tickets with my magic.

        “You know we do,” Scootaloo said from behind me. “So why are you asking?” Just making sure what I remembered was what actually happened.

        “Just wanted to make sure,” I said, smiling and flashing our tickets at the conductor. “I’m going to go get set up, the rest of you have fun.”

        “Set up for…” Scootaloo trailed off as she put it together. “Really? Here?”

        “Uh-huh,” I said before looking to the conductor. “Hey, so, where exactly is our room?”

        He pointed a hoof. “Three cars down, second door on your left. Do you need any help with your baggage, ma’am?”

        “Nope, I’ve got it, thanks for the help,” I said, trotting away and leaving my friends behind. “You all have fun, I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

        “Sweetie!” Scootaloo called out after me. I whipped my head back at her.

        “I don’t want to hear it, Scootaloo, and if I do, you know what’ll happen.” I grinned. “Actually, you don’t, but I bet you can guess.” We stared at each other, daring the other to back down first. I won and Scootaloo took a step away from the edge.

        “Just… try not to take too long?” she asked. I gave the tiniest nod before turning away and going to our room. It wasn’t very big. You could barely have two ponies sleep comfortably in it, but I suppose that made it bigger than her bedroom. I opened the suitcase and sat down, staring at the bag I’d used to store my tools. I needed to think of something she’d love, something that’d top what I’d done the night before in our continual escalation. More and more and more and more and maybe she wouldn’t tense at my touch. I just hadn’t thought of the right thing yet. I rested my head against the compartment wall and thought.


♪♪♪


        My next game was pretty close to brilliant, an almost perfect humiliation for Scootaloo. Not the bad type, the type she liked. The type that kept her right on the edge all day as Purrmese bells and wheels against rail played together better than I could have imagined. Occasionally, she’d lose her control, and I’d hear the faintest little gasp next to me.

        “Uhmm… are you alright?” Roller asked, looking at his rival. “You seem kind of–”

        “She’s fine,” I said, cutting him off. “Scootaloo, should I tell him why you’re acting so strange? I think he’ll really enjoy the story.”

        “Please don’t,” Scootaloo begged. Not telling me what to do or ordering, but practically dropping to her knees and grovelling like a good mare. I smiled at her and almost nuzzled her cheek, stopping myself when I remembered how she’d react, the way she’d tense up at my love.

        “Alright,” I said, humming to myself and storing the image for later. “Since you asked so nicely, I’ll–”

        “Okay, what the heck’s up with you two?” Roller asked, causing all heads but Scootaloo’s to turn to him. “Do you actually like each other, or is your relationship just some…” He trailed off, struggling for the word.

        “It’s complicated,” Page said, sighing. “Can I try to explain it to him?” I tilted my head and nodded, curious to see what she’d say. “They’re… I think it’s a game to them?” She looked at the two of us. “I don’t really understand it, but I think it’s their way of showing love for each other.” Maybe. Maybe that’s all it was. It was a nice interpretation, for sure.

        “So… what?” Roller asked, pointing a hoof at me. “You make Scootaloo feel like dirt because she wants you to? That’s how you say ‘I love you?’” Not like she’d listen to me any other way.

        “If she didn’t want me to, she’d say the word and I’d stop, right Scootaloo?” I asked, smiling at my marefriend while she stared holes into her plate.

        “Uh-huh, yeah,” she said, following it up with a sharp intake of breath before going back to looking at her plate and limply stabbing a fork at her peas.

        Roller still stared at me. Why did he care? They were rivals, he should just be enjoying the show. “Your crazy’s not going to mess with her ability to race, is it?” There it was. He had to beat my marefriend at her ‘best.’ I almost forgot they weren’t real rivals, just friends who played at being enemies.

        “No, it won’t,” I said, staring at him. “Me humiliating her won’t mess with her ability to humiliate you.”

        “Okay,” Page Turner said before her coltfriend could respond. “That… we said we were going to keep things friendly before the race. Keep the trash talk to the day of, right?”

        I wasn’t ‘trash talking,’” I said, looking at him. “Just reassuring him that my games wouldn’t interfere with their cute little rivalry.” Seriously, why did the stallions in Scootaloo’s life have to get so on edge around me? I could kind of get Rusty, since he was secretly in love with her, but Roller? He already had a marefriend. Did he have some hidden fantasy about–  I stopped, answering my own question. Of course, he did. Why wouldn’t he?

        Or maybe he didn’t. Maybe it was some weird sexy rivalry thing. Like, being reminded that the mare he spent so long trying to dominate was still a mare made him feel weird about his relationship with Page? I grinned and bit my lip. That was it, wasn’t it? He wanted to humiliate her, to best her, he spent all his time just dreaming about it, and I was making it look so easy.

        The train hit a bump and I jolted out of memories and musing and back to staring up at the ceiling while Scootaloo slept next to me, completely ignorant to my thoughts. I sighed and rolled to my side, wrapping my forehooves around her while she slept. When she was asleep, when she couldn’t tense up at my every bit of affection, we were normal. When she was asleep, I could almost feel like she loved me. I drew closer and nestled my head into her mane, watching as Equestria rolled through the dark.


♪♪♪


        “Another late night?” Luna asked as I came into the Dreaming. “While I do appreciate ponies staying up late to enjoy all the myriad wonders of my nights, I find myself missing our little talks. It’s… pleasant having somepony to share my vigil with.”

        “I like spending time with you, too,” I said, trotting next to her in the vortex of gems. “I just… I’ve got the waking world to deal with, too.” I shook my head. “Are you ever tempted to just abandon the outside and live entirely in the Dreaming?”

        “Once, when I was much younger, I was,” Luna said. “And how many times have I told you that retreating from your problems isn’t an answer?”

        “A lot,” I said, sighing and sitting down. “Another lesson from experience?”

        “Indeed,” she said, nodding. “Before I fell, when the problems first started to weigh me down, I withdrew into my Dreaming to ignore them, becoming more reclusive and aloof and moving further away from the ponies whose love I craved. Running from my problems was no true solution, and only served to deepen them in time’s grand scheme.”

        “That… sounds about right,” I said, rubbing the back of my head and glancing at my hooves. “But I still like spending time here with you. It’s… simpler.”

        She looked at me and I prepared for what she was about to say next. We’d been over it over a hundred times in the last few days. “Your waking life could be made simpler too if you stopped complicating it. It is, as they say, what you make it.”

        A few weeks ago, I probably would’ve said something about how I’d made it a complete mess. Instead I just nodded and looked ahead. Progress? “I get it, but… I can’t give up, you know? I love her, she loves me, and we’re both enjoying ourselves, kind of. Maybe not as much as either of us would like, but…”

        “Do you know I can tell when you’re thinking about her?” Luna said as a copy of me appeared in front of us. I looked up at Luna.

        “Is that one yours?” I asked. She nodded. “Good.”

        “You hunch your shoulders and turn pensive when issues of your marefriend weigh upon you,” she said, making the me in front of her match her words. The copy’s face tensed as she tightened her lips, and something crushed her head down low.

        “Then I guess I shouldn’t think about her much, right?” I said, sending the other me away. I’d seen more than enough of myself for a lifetime. “So, let’s talk about something else. Have you gotten any marefriends yet?”

        “Sweetie, you have a serious issue that needs addressing. Discussing my love life won’t fix that,” Luna said, looking down at me.

        “So… No, got it,” I said, humming something to myself. Just to be able to hum a few simple bars again, a few seconds of thoughtless music, it felt like… Well, I wouldn’t say it felt like sex, but it felt way better than it had any right to. I smiled at the empty music. “You know, if – if – things between Scootaloo and me don’t work out, which they totally will, we could take a Las Pegasus vacation and try and get you a marefriend.”

        She glared at me, but I could see the tiny upturn in her lips and the softness hiding in her eyes. “Such a thing is completely unbecoming for a princess and a princess-in-waiting, but… if after a painful breakup, I could provide salve for your wounds by taking you to a city dedicated to idle distraction and excess decadence, well, I would be a poor friend if I didn’t. As long as I was there to keep you on your mostly-better behavior.”

        Ha, Sweetie and Luna’s Las Pegasus Vacation, the story practically wrote itself. I smiled. Not that Scootaloo and I’d break up, but it was still fun to think about. Plus, Luna really did need to get laid. She was in a dry spell that lasted longer than some civilizations. “So, you said there was a mare you had a crush on earlier? What was she like? You know, so I can get your type.”

        “Serious and reserved,” Luna said, closing her eyes. “And driven. Completely dedicated to her craft when I met her. Actually, do you remember your sister–” I cleared my throat. “Excuse me, your mother’s first gala? That was the night we met, in the royal garden.”

        “Ooh! Was she wearing a mask? Is that why you lost touch?” I shook my head. “No, you said she’s married, so I guess you know who she is, but still, that’s so romantic, two mares meeting in the royal gardens late at night. Oh my gosh, Mom would totally love it.”

        “Perhaps she would,” Luna said, leaning her head back and letting the unfelt breeze blow her mane back. “Also, don’t think I’m overlooking your problems with Scootaloo just because I’m indulging your fantasy.”

        “Yeah, I knew it wouldn’t be that easy to make you forget about that,” I said, teleporting us to the Canterlot Royal Gardens. “So, what was it like? She was cute, right?”

        “I thought so,” Luna said, opening her eyes and adjusting a thousand little things about the scene, removing a lake, adding a hedge maze, changing the position of the moon. “Others seemed to think so, as well. Certainly, her wife does.”

        “So, are they pretty solid or do you think there’s a chance you can sweep in with a romantic gesture after things go bad?” I asked. “Because if you’d like, we can start planning out something. I’m a bit better with sexy than romance, but I think there’s at least enough overlap between the two for me to be kind of good at romance.” I conjured a mare into being and started flicking through coat colors.

        Luna laughed. “Your enthusiasm is admirable, but I can’t see anything short of the world’s end severing the bond between Vinyl and Octavia.”

        I blinked. Okay, Vinyl’d been living in Ponyville since Luna returned, so that meant… “You had a crush on Headmistress Octavia? Really? Is that why you made her the head of your school and asked her to build you an orchestra?”

        “No, that would be my sister trying to play matchmaker,” Luna said, taking over my model pony and changing her coat to grey, molding her after my former teacher. “Funny, I saw Octavia a few days after the birth of her daughter, and… I’ll never get used to how you all change. She was practically a foal that night, and now a scant decade later, she’s a mother, happily wed, and…” She shook her head. “Sometimes, I forget how quickly you can move.”

        “Is that why you don’t date ponies?” I asked, looking up at her. “Because we’ll all–”

        “No, no,” she said, smiling at her Octavia. “I dated and wed and lost before my banishment. Time’s march isn’t an alien concept to me, and it doesn’t keep me from experiencing love in the present. It just has a way of sneaking up. One day the pony you love is in the spring of youth, and the next they need your help getting out of bed.”

        “So why do you keep doing it?” I asked. “Or, why did you? Because watching somepony you love die doesn’t exactly sound fun, and knowing it’s going to happen every time you start a relationship? I think I’d quit.” Luna just raised an eyebrow. “Okay, I’d still have sex, sure, but I wouldn’t get in a relationship. I wouldn’t keep getting my heart broken.”

        “But that’s what love is, Sweetie. That’s what life is. An endless cycle of love and loss. Every winter has its summer, every night its day, and every love its heartbreak. To deny love because it’s destined to end is to deny the night because the sun must rise. What would the world be without night and day together?”

        “That…” I frowned. “I don’t even know. Like, I want to say it’d be dark, but that’s just night, so…” Also, could she really tell me that the sun always had to rise?

        “Exactly, so would you truly keep love from your heart if you knew it must one day end?” Luna asked. I rolled my eyes at that. Sure, day needed night or whatever, but that didn’t mean love needed loss.

        “Uhh… yeah?” I said. “If it always has to end, what’s the point? If I had to…” I trailed off, not sure how to end the thought.

        “So, I take it you’ll stop speaking with your mother, then?” Luna asked, looking down at me. “She’s older than you, and will almost certainly die before you. The only way you can keep the pain of loss from your heart is to stamp out every last trace of filial love. Or what of Twilight? As an alicorn, she’ll outlive any mere mortal. According to you, she should have never returned your mother’s affection. In fact, the very instant she became an alicorn, she should have severed all ties with her friends to insulate herself from the pain of losing them.”

        “But that’s not–” She cut me off.

        “And of course, you must end things with Scootaloo with the utmost haste.” As she spoke, the garden faded away, leaving behind a cold empty darkness. “If you two can somehow work past your issues and build a love to endure and stand the test of time like you wish, one of you will die before the other. One of you will feel the sting of loss. To potentially subject a pony you love to that pain is the height of cruelty. No, ‘tis truly kinder to sever all relationships. To live our lives in a vacuum, free of all feeling. With no love, there shall be no loss, and all shall be content. Is that your proposal? Lives hermetically sealed and sterile?”

        “That sounds awful!” I said, popping us back to the first place I could think of and landing in the penthouse. “No, I don’t want that, I just… I don’t… I don’t…”

        A force brushed my mane and I looked up to see Luna smiling down at me. “All things end, Sweetie, but the ending does not diminish the beauty of what was. To me, love’s transitory nature serves only to highlight its beauty. The ending is painful, to be sure, but ‘tis not to be feared. If love and loss are bound, then a great loss serves as the gravestone for a truly great love.”

        “Yeah... I guess,” I said, staring down at my hooves in thought. My ears perked up. “Hey, are you just telling me this so I’ll dump Scootaloo?”

        “Certainly not,” she said, staring intently at one of the gems floating around us. “But if that’s the lesson you choose to draw from my lecture, well, that reflects more upon you than me.”

        Uh-huh, and I was royal– Wait, I actually was royalty now, wasn’t I? I needed to think up something even more crazy and outlandish. Ooh! You could say you’re a perfectly well-adjusted mare. I rolled my eyes.

        “Glad to see you’re still with me, I’d hate to go a whole day without hearing my subconscious throw some lame taunt in my face,” I said, ignoring the look Luna was probably giving me. “I’m fine, just thinking out loud. Give me a minute.”

        She didn’t say anything and let the time pass by in comfortable silence. “So,”  finally said. “Is Miss Octavia your type?”

        “I like to think I don’t have a type. To limit myself to one sort of mare or stallion is to ignore the great variety life offers. There’s just as much to be said for a bold outdoorsmare as a quiet bookish stallion. Still, I suppose I have a certain fondness for artists and dreamers.”

        “So…” I tilted my head. “Are you saying I’m your type? Because, okay, yes, you’re really attractive and graceful and beautiful and stuff, and I’d kill to have your body…” I blinked. “No, not that way, although… yeah, that would probably be really fun too, and I’d I think you’re fun to hang around with, and – you know – making out with a princess would definitely be something to write home about, plus, if we were together, our family’d probably get an award for most royal family in Equestria, which is fun, but I’m seeing Scootaloo, so…”

        Luna stared down at me. “Are you quite finished, Sweetie? Or is there more you wish to share?” 

        I shook my head. “Nope, I think that’s it,” I said. “But if we were together, then I’d be dating a princess, my stepmom would be a princess, and my mom would be a princess. That’d be three direct ties to a princess. If I could just work Princess Celestia and Cadance in there, I’d have the whole set.”

        “Then yes,” Luna said, drawing me back to the real– the Dreaming world. “If I hadn’t known you since you since you were a filly, and if you weren’t so confoundingly obtuse at times, I suppose you’d be my type. But since those two things are true, it’s difficult for me to see you in such a light.”

        “Wait, so you won’t go out with me just because you knew me when I was a filly? But you’ve known everypony since they were a filly… Or a colt, I guess, so what’s the problem with me? Are you just not going to date anypony born after you got back, because if that’s the case, then you only have a few more years left to get out there and find somepony,” I said. Seriously? What lame excuse was that? She knew me when I was younger? She knew everypony when they were younger. “Plus! You’ve known me for almost as long as Scootaloo has, and she’s fine dating with me.” Except you know she’s not.

        I managed not to shout shut up to the voice in my head. “Yes, but Scootaloo grew up with you. Your development was hers,” Luna said. “You did not mentor her. You did not take her as your ward and oversee her development. No, that would be… There’s a very good reason why students don’t date teachers. And why is the idea of our relationship suddenly so fascinating?”

        “Because…” I frowned, irritated. Why did I care? “Because you didn’t want me. We’re friends, we get along great, I like spending time with you, we’ve both gone through the same stuff, us being together makes sense.”

        “So if I was to drop to my knees and beg for your affection, say I couldn’t live without your love in my life, without knowing your touch, what would you say?” she asked, looking at me like Mom’s cat when she was about to pounce on one of her toys.

        “Well, I’d say I’m flattered, but… you know, I’m dating Scootaloo,” I said, smiling up– No, over at her. We were… Well, she was still taller than me, but not so much I had to crane my neck up to look at her. Sometimes, it was hard to stop thinking like a filly.

        “Ahh,” she said, nodding her head. “So, it’s fine to reject, but not to be rejected. Very well, I withdraw my objection regarding your age, and instead say you’re not my type because you’re still struggling to master your selfishness and vanity and failing spectacularly. If we were to date, I’d require a certain maturity that you still lack.”

        That was… “I’m more mature than I was,” I said, pursing my lips and matching her stare. “I’m not the same stupid mare from the penthouse.”

        “Congratulations,” she said, clapping her hooves. “You managed to clear a bar so exceedingly low they had to bury it. While I do applaud the accomplishment, I’m not going to lower my bar. However, if you do ever manage to clear that standard, I might consider the idea of us as a couple. Until then, I hope you’ll stay satisfied with my friendship.”

        “Okay,” I said. What else could I say? When Luna wanted to be firm, there wasn’t any room left to argue. “But… if we were to ever… Even if I did, I’d still have to… I’m still dating Scootaloo.”

        Her gaze alone punched a hole in my barely coherent response. What she said after was just for style. “Sweetie, if you and Scootaloo carry on as you are, you’ll never have to worry about meeting my standards.”

        Ouch.

        “Well, at least I learned a bit about your type,” I said, deciding to just drop the idea. Besides, she was right, it didn’t matter. I still had Scootaloo, so why even think of another mare? “And I think there are at least a few mares–”

        “And stallions.”

        Ugh, right. “And stallions in Equestria that fit the bill.” Seriously, why? I just didn’t get the appeal. “So… any ideas? Because I’m serious about the two of us just going to Las Pegasus sometime.”

        She smiled, letting it rest. “Oh, I know you are, Sweetie, but if your mother ever found out I took you there, I’d live out the rest of my days in mortal terror.” Because she just had to see about everything I did. I loved her, and it was great that she cared so much, but would it kill her if I just cut loose a bit?

        No, but it might kill you.

        “Well, tell me what the other ponies you liked were like, because I really do want to find you somepony,” I said. After everything she’d done for me, the least I could do was end the world’s longest dry spell.


♪♪♪


        The next morning, the train ground to a halt, and the four of us hopped off into Hoofington. It was… It couldn’t have been more like old-school Ponyville if it tried. Sure, the landscape was different and you couldn’t get a good view of Canter Mountain, but beyond that, total Ponyville ripoff. “Eerie, right?” I whispered to Scootaloo. She just nodded.

        “Where is everything?” Page asked from my other side. The two of us were kind of in the center and our partners stayed on the edges. “It’s like every rustic backwater in every story rolled into one.”

        “It’s a moderate-sized town in the heart of Equestria. They have a park, they have a theater, they have a town hall, they probably have some other nice things, and they host one of the biggest races in Equestria. They aren’t located in the middle of Podunk, Nowhere,” I said as she looked for any building taller than two stories. “Anyways, you still want to find a bookstore?”

        She nodded. “Are you sure they’ll have one?” I groaned and rolled my eyes with Scootaloo. Fun being on the same wavelength for once. 

        “They’ll have one,” I said, fighting the urge to rest my head in my hooves. Couldn’t do that while I was walking without faceplanting. Maybe if I balanced it just right, I could do it with one hoof? Scootaloo did it pretty effortlessly, but then, she didn’t have magic to lean on, so she had to learn how to balance things. “Come on, let’s check in, then while they do their racing thing, we can look for books.” And look for somepony else on the way.

        “Wait, Sweetie, don’t you want to come with us?” Scootaloo asked as we trotted off. I looked back at her.

        “You’re just going to get to know the course, right?” I asked. “Like, you said you didn’t even have a qualifying heat today, so what’s the big deal if we go and explore the town?” I grinned. Didn’t want to seem like I was keeping her away. “We were probably going to go to the spa after the bookstore, but if you want to come with us…”

        Scootaloo and Roller both looked at us. Alone, they each might’ve said yes, but together? “Pass,” they said in unison. 

“We’ll catch you later at the hotel,” Scootaloo said, trotting away.

        “And we should probably check into the hotel, too,” I said, pulling a map from my saddlebags. We were right next to the train station and our hotel was two blocks down… “That way.” I pointed my hoof in the direction and we headed off. “Now, Ponyville… They had a hotel, but I don’t think anypony ever used it when I was younger. It was barely two stories tall and could only fit about eight guests. Most of the time, if we had a lot of guests, they roomed with residents. I remember one year where ponies had to camp out on Applejack’s lawn because it was so full, and…” I looked over to Page, who was staring at me like I’d just started speaking gibberish. “Okay, Ponyville was kind of weird for not having a real hotel, but Hoofington’s totally different. They have to deal with a lot of guests every year for the race.” And maybe because Hoofington used to be a good bit bigger than Ponyville. Then we got a princess living there and a royal academy, and what did you know? Ponyville got bigger.

        “It’s…” She shook her head, following at my side. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, I’m just not used to things being so empty and quiet and small.” Not rude at all. She looked over her shoulder. “Is it always this quiet?”

        “Uh-huh,” I said, nodding my head. “Unless there’s a parade or a rampaging monster or something, but yeah, generally, it’s pretty quiet.” We turned a corner and the hotel came into view. At barely four stories, it was one of the taller buildings in Hoofington and probably the shortest building Page had ever been in. Behind the hotel was a lake surrounded by little cottages. One of them was mine. “Are you sure you don’t want a cottage, too?”

        “We’ll be fine in our room,” she said, brushing away my question. “I heard it has a great view of the lake and the Foa…” She trailed off as we got our first real view of the mountains just beyond town. Maybe Canter Mountain was taller, but the Foal Mountains were closer and cast the whole town in their shadow. The two of us froze as we stared, craning our necks up high.

        “A bit taller than you expected?” I asked, voice a whisper.

        I caught a minute nod in the corner of my eyes. Neither one of us could turn away. “You could fit all of Manehattan in just one of those mountains,” she said.

        A flash of purple pulled my eyes away from the mountains and I trotted forwards. Was it him? Could it be this close? This easy? “Sweetie?”

        “Huh?” I asked, blinking my eyes and whipping my head around. I was almost at the water’s edge. 

        “You just trotted off,” she said, making her own way to the hotel entrance now that the mountains’ spell had been broken.

        I smiled apologetically. “Oh, uhmm… sorry,” I said. “I just wanted to get a better view.”

        She troted over to stand closer, eyes moving from me to the mountains as she took them in. My eyes went back to the purple. “I know,” she said. “It’s a little crazy. I read about mountains, I saw pictures of mountains, but I never realized just how massive they were. Do you think we can get closer?” There was a pause. “Not now, but after I’ve been to the bookstore.”

        “Sure,” I said, shrugging but keeping my eyes on the purple pony, trying to see more about them. A she. I sighed. If only I was that lucky. Instead, I shook my head and trotted to the hotel door. “Well, let’s get checked in, put our stuff down, and then we’ll go get your bookstore.”


♪♪♪


        If I told Page Turner she’d died and gone to the Elysian Fields, she would have believed me. “They have a first edition of Mulysses, Sweetie. Mulysses!” She trotted over to another shelf in the store. “And autographed first-editions for the entire Daring-Do series, and…” She took a deep breath. “You can just smell all the love that’s gone into caring for these books, and…” She pointed to a collection of faux-leather chairs next to a fireplace. “Just look at that sitting area. So many bookstores don’t have good seats anymore, but I bet you could just plop down here and spend the whole day reading and nopony would care.”

        “Yep, sure looks great,” I said, keeping an eye on the street for any purple stallions. “Hey, why don’t you go sit down and start reading, and I’ll just have a quick conversation with the storekeeper.”

        “You know I can’t,” she said, coming back to me. I sighed. Of course, she couldn’t. That would make my life too easy, and who would want that? Definitely not me. “My job’s to keep an eye on you, and I like my job.”

        “But it’s just going to be for, like, one minute – One minute! – that’s barely enough time for me to do anything,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I just want to ask a few questions.”

        “Then why do you care if I’m there with you?” she asked, looking at me. “You’re not going to talk about anything…” She trailed off, gesturing for me to fill in the gaps.

        “No,” I said, looking around and dropping my voice low. “I just want to…” Could I risk it? Risk telling her the big secret now? She’d have to learn eventually, she’d learn when we had our talk, but if she learned too early, if she had time to tell Scootaloo who’d have time to write a letter… “You know what, nevermind. Let’s buy your books and get out of here.”

        “Sweetie,” she said, moving between me and the exit, “I know we have… I know our relationship isn’t just friendly, and I know you don’t want me to report your every movement to Scootaloo. I don’t want that either, but if I think you’re keeping secrets or are behaving oddly, I’m required to tell Scootaloo my suspicions, and I don’t want to lose this job.”

        I could blackmail her. Threaten to tell Scootaloo she did a bunch of awful things when she wasn’t around, but… I saw an image of my mom appearing in the room, and she didn’t need to say anything. Besides, it would be my word against Page’s, and I wasn’t exactly known for honesty. Truth it was, then. “I need you to keep this secret, I can’t risk Scootaloo finding out, because I know she’ll write something to my mom, and… if what I tell you doesn’t involve me wanting or planning to drink, do drugs, or break the law, can you keep a secret?”

        She stared at me, eyes serious. “If I’m satisfied it won’t result in you doing any of those things, then yes, you have my word.”

        “Of course, she’d say the same thing to you if she was lying,” Bright Lights said. And I’d actually managed to go a while without seeing her. All good things, right? I pulsed my horn with dream magic and sent her away.

        “Fine,” I said, rubbing my forehead. “You know Rarity’s my mom, right?”

        She nodded. “I remember you telling me that.”

        “Alright,” I said, trying to smile. “So then, what do you know about my dad?”

        There was a lull as she looked at me, putting the pieces together. “You mentioned wanting to meet somepony in Hoofington yesterday, you don’t want your mom to find out what you’re doing, and are missing your father… I think I figured out the next chapter in the dime novel that is your life.”

        I laughed. “Yeah, I guess you were at least a little right yesterday, so… are you not going to tell Scootaloo what I’m trying to do here?”

        “No, it doesn’t sound dangerous, and I’d hate to miss the resolution, but...” She stepped forward and dropped her voice to a whisper. “I think you’re going about this the wrong way.”

        “What do you mean?” I asked. She just found out what I was trying to do and was already giving me advice? I took a breath and kept my smile up. She meant well. Probably.

        “Well, your father used to live in Ponyville, right? I don’t think I remember reading anything about your Mom being from here, but I could be wrong,” she said. I trotted over to one of the seats next to the empty fireplace.

        “Yeah, but he moved here when he found out… Well… You can guess, I bet,” I said, taking the seat and making sure nopony else was in the room with us for the twentieth time.

        “And I’m guessing he knows something about you. You were in all the papers, he knows you’re related to the pregnant mare he left eighteen years ago, and since the stories don’t mention her having any foals, it’s probably not too hard for him to figure out who you really are.” I stared at her. I’d kind of had similar thoughts over the past few weeks, but none that were that to the point.

        “What?” she asked as she sat down. “It’s not that hard to put together once you have enough puzzle pieces.” I kept staring at her. “Plus, I like reading mysteries. Anyways, what do you think’s going to happen if you ask the storekeeper about your father?”

        “Uhmm… he’ll tell me where he is?” I asked. Wait, no, there was something else I was missing. Whenever there was a newcomer in Ponyville, we always heard about them. Right now, I was just one of the tourists coming to town for the race, but if I stood out… “And he’ll tell my dad somepony from out of town’s looking for him.”

        She nodded. “And the one thing we know for sure about your dad is that he left town when he found out your mom was pregnant. If he knows you’re coming, he might run off again.”

        “But he has a family now,”  said. A nice happy perfect family with a wife and a couple of daughters.

        “How do you know that?” Page asked, tilting her head. Well, I used my Dreaming powers to track him down and look into his head to see what he was like. No, probably shouldn’t say that. It definitely wouldn’t help with her idea that my life was a soap opera. Plus, maybe some ponies would get creeped out by the idea that I could just look around in their dreams if I wanted.

        “I hired a private investigator?” I said. That made sense. Kind of. “He let me know a bit about him and what he looked like and–”

        “But the investigator didn’t tell you where your father lives?” she asked, frowning and furrowing her brow. Yeah, that was actually a really good question. What was the answer?

        “He… wasn’t very good? He didn’t have a lot of time, and that was all he was able to get. You know, he had to start from Ponyville and only had a few days to work. All I know is kind of what he looks like, that he has a family, and that he lives in Hoofington,” I said, looking at Page, hoping she swallowed the story. She stared back at me and slowly nodded.

        “I suppose that’s… I would have thought finding an address would be trivially easy, but then, everything I know about private investigators comes from books,” she said, buying my lie while I inspected the stonework in the fireplace.

        “Yeah, it’s not as easy as it looks in books, I guess,” I said, making sure to look back at her and keep eye contact as I spoke. “Anyways, if I shouldn’t just ask around for him, what should I do?”

        “Well, we could hire another PI to do the rest of the sleuthing for us, but I don’t know if Hoofington has one, and if it doesn’t…” She trailed off, thinking about something. “I know this is going to sound completely awful, and it almost certainly is, but if we’re going to go track down your father, I think we should get invested in the part. Why hire somepony when we can do it ourselves?”

        “Because I’m still really recognizable?” I said, tilting my head. “Of course, I also know how to disguise myself a bit, plus… Who would expect to see me in Hoofington?”

        “Right,” she said, “and tracking down your long-lost father in a sleepy farm town yourself? It just seems so…” Dramatic. Apparently, she’d completely embraced the idea of my life being a soap opera, and to be fair, she kind of made a good case. Yeah, if we were going to do this, we were going to do it right.

        “Alright,” I said, nodding my head. “We get disguises, we canvas the town, we keep an eye out for any purple ponies with a pink heart for a cutie mark, and when we find him, we back him into a corner so I can say hi. How hard can it be?"

> 15. All Our Yesterdays
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Finding him wasn’t that hard, actually. Like, compared to my last few months, it was barely a challenge. It was just boring. Walk around town for a few hours, stake out a busy location for a few hours, and repeat it until your brain wanted run out your ears to do something interesting.

        The only little diversions were when we had to support Scootaloo and Roller, and that wasn’t often. We were at the finish line when they did their heats (they qualified) and we spent the evenings with them doing dinner stuff (where we made sure to sit outside), but the rest of our time was free for amateur investigating.

        “This town isn’t that big,” I said, thunking my head down on the stupid cafe table where we were doing our latest stakeout. “He’s not a ghost, he shouldn’t know we’re looking for him, and we haven’t been that obvious, so where ishe?” I pointed at another purple pony walking by. “We’ve seen her five times since I got here. Once at the lake, a few more times at the market, yesterday at dinner, and now, but him? Not a single clue.” Seriously, if it wasn’t for his dreams, I’d be completely lost.

        Luna knew, of course. She figured out the broad strokes of my plan the moment she learned I was going to Hoofington. She knew I knew my dad was in Hoofington, and she knew I’d be crazy not to go looking for him. Uhmm… I’d be a different type of crazy, I guess. She also wasn’t telling my mom what I knew. As far as Mom knew, I was just being a good marefriend and supporting Scootaloo. Like, she wasn’t going to ban me from going to Hoofington for completely innocent reasons if she thought I didn’t know, and apparently Twilight hadn’t told her she’d told me.

        “Well, maybe we should try something different,” Page said, looking down at where I rested my head. I sat up so I didn’t make too much of a scene.

        “Yeah, and what do you suggest?” I asked, keeping my voice low so we didn’t get any looks. “Just start knocking on doors? Because that’s what you told me not to do. What do they do in those detective books you read?”

        “Oh, well, they usually interview witnesses, search the scene for clues, you know, the usual,” she said, frowning.

        “And we can’t do any of those things,” I said, taking a sip of my cranberry juice. “Because this isn’t a stupid book, we aren’t trying to solve a crime, and we’re trying to find somepony by basically dumb luck.”

        “Books aren’t stupid,” Page said, ears going flat. “They’re just… Maybe they don’t tell you everything you need to know on how to do a job. And maybe being a private investigator’s a little harder than we thought.”

        I groaned and rolled my head back, staring at the ceiling. “And we can’t hire an investigator because Hoofington doesn’t have one.” We’d learned that lesson our second day in town. We thought they might have had some tips for us. Maybe they would’ve if they existed, but they didn’t, so they didn’t.

“So… should we just go and ask somepony where your father is?” she asked.

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “You’re right, I still don’t think that’s a great idea, but…” I rubbed my forehead. “We still have a few days until the race, so… I don’t know, let’s give looking another day, and then we’ll start asking around. Alright?”

“Alright,” she said, nodding her head and eating the last bite of the salad she’d spent the last few hours chipping away at. “But… do you think we could spend some time looking for him at a movie theater this afternoon?”

“I guess,” I said, grabbing my cranberry juice with my magic. “But I don’t know if we could see him in the dark, and…” I blinked. Right, she was being coy. “You’re saying you want to see a movie, aren’t you?”

“If that’s okay,” she said. I waved my hoof for the waiter. “Obviously, I get it if you don’t, but the film adaptation for Hinny of the Hills came out, and I thought…”  I stared at her. “Or we could see something that isn’t a musical.”

“It’s fine,” I said before looking at the waiter. “Could we get our check please?” He nodded and I waited for him to leave before continuing our talk. “I didn’t have anything to do with that one. Actually, the only thing I can remember about it is one of Bright Lights’ friends lecturing me about how it was commercial product instead of art, soulless and written for mass appeal.” And I’d just insulted the film Page Turner wanted to see. Whoops. “But… I’m sure he didn’t know what he was talking about, he was just the Bridleway critic for Manehattan Magazine, so…” Great, so that was one of the few things I could remember, a review of Hinny of the Hills. Good to know my drug-addled brain knew what the important memories were. “But I know my mom really liked it, and I’d rather listen to her recommendation than his.” And I’d saved it. Go me.

“If you don’t want to go, that’s completely fine,” she said as the waiter trotted back with the bill. Had I been talking for that long or was he that fast? “I just thought it could be fun, and Roller and I can go see it after the race if you don’t want to.”

“But I do,” I said, smiling at her. “I just kind of let my mouth get ahead of my brain for a bit. You… probably noticed I do that a lot.” She didn’t say anything, splitting the difference between lying and being rude. “Anyways, it sounds fun. They’re playing it here, right?”

She nodded as I grabbed the check from the waiter with my magic. “I checked the schedule the third time we walked passed the theater. They have a showing in an hour or so.”

“Alright,” I said, looking at the check and counting out my bits. “Can we stop by my cabin really fast, first? I want to freshen up before we go.”

“You’re the boss,” she said, getting up on her hooves. That was true, wasn’t it? What could I get her to– I immediately killed the thought. She wasn’t Scootaloo, that wasn’t how we worked. 

“Yeah, I guess I am,” I said, following her up onto my hooves. Not that Scootaloo was being that much better at the moment, it was the same as it ever was, with the added restraint of me not wanting to humiliate her before the race, so I was just redoing the biggest hits. Silk saddle, magic, feather play, blah blah blah, boring stuff. Sure, I could tie her up and watch her squirm, and that was nice, but… it wasn’t art. And more importantly, it wasn’t going to change her. Just repeating a bunch of failures.

“Think of it as a challenge,” Page said next to me. I raised an eyebrow and pulsed my horn. Hallucination. Thought so. “Do something exciting and daring and bold with what’s worked before. Reimagine it.”

I sighed. Could it just be normal? For even a day? That wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? One day. One day, it’d work out, but until then, we did our games. Maybe I could get her good in front of Apple Bloom or– I was seeing Apple Bloom again. Like, this time next week, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were going to be reunited for the first time in years. 

Did I do something to her? We were best friends three years ago, but she hadn’t even bothered to write a letter since I woke up. I caught the fragmented flashbulb of a memory. Stumbling towards a mare and saying something about how strong she looked and… “I bet you could do things I can’t even imagine,” I said in the memory.

Nope. That… I shook my head. Maybe it wasn’t real? That would be nice, right? Another figment of my imagination. Better than me coming on to one of my best friends.

We could get to that later. Right now, I had a Scootaissue to sort out. Apple Bloom wasn’t until next week. “Do you have any idea how I can take my relationship with Scootaloo to the next level?” I asked, looking at Page. Maybe she had an idea?

She blinked and stared at me. “Excuse me?” When was the last time I’d spoken? How long had we been walking? Had she been saying things while I was in my head? Was I still in my head? A quick pulse of magic answered the last question, at least. “That’s… what do you mean, ‘next level’? Because I think you’ve gone through any level I could ever imagine.”

“I just… I need to keep topping myself, keep coming up with better and better games for her to play so she’s happy, and I’m having trouble thinking of the next one. She doesn’t want me to do anything to humiliate her in public while we’re here, and that usually gets the best results, so… I’m feeling a little handicapped while we’re in Hoofington.” Okay, not true, I needed to keep topping myself. It was the only way both of us could be happy.

“Well, what’s wrong with the regular stuff?” Page asked, trotting closer and dropping her voice. Prude. I looked around. We’d gone at least a couple of blocks while I was off in Sweetie-land.

Nothing. Nothing was wrong with regular stuff. Well, it was a bit boring, and there was the other tiny issue that Scootaloo didn’t want to have it! Not with me, at least. “Nothing,” I said, smiling. “It’s just not what she wants, and I kind of enjoy the kinky stuff, too, it’s just… Constantly having to top yourself gets kind of exhausting after a while.” I laughed. “Still, I gotta keep doing it.”

“Are you sure?” she asked. I looked away long enough to roll my eyes. Of course I was sure, I knew more about our relationship than Page, didn’t I? 

“Yeah, I’m sure. So… I’m guessing that means you don’t have any ideas?” I asked, sighing. Why had I even bothered? She and Roller were probably into the boring vanilla – no, not vanilla, that was an insult to vanilla – stallion sex. The most mundane drudgery I could imagine, and why did Scootaloo want that over me? She didn’t need all the crazy with Rusty, did she?

I shook my head as the hotel approached. Where had that thought come from? Of course, she preferred me. I gave her the benefit of years of experience – and she’ll never appreciate it – how could she not enjoy it? She enjoyed it, she kept wanting more, begging me to do more, to push farther, and every little whimper was her thanks. I gave her more than what she wanted, I gave her what she didn’t even know she wanted. We both liked it, it was fine. I was fine. We were fine. Are you okay?

“Sweetie, are you okay?” Page asked again. I blinked. We were standing outside my cabin and I was compulsively brushing my mane with my magic for… how long?

“Fine,” I said, smiling and unlocking the door.

“You don’t look–” I cracked the door open and an orange hoof threw it open the rest of the way.

“There you are!” Scootaloo shouted, looking quickly from me to Page Turner. “Where have you two been? Do you have any time how long I was here waiting for you?”

“We were out,” I said, rolling my eyes and shoving my way past her. “And what’s the big deal, why are you waiting in a hotel room instead of doing your practice?”

She ignored me and kept looking at Page and anger boiled in my chest, wanting to dissolve the thin barrier of Sweetie separating it from the world. Take that tone? With you? After everything you do to make her happy? I swirled around. She wanted to play at having power with me after I was going out of my way to be nice to her? Let’s see how that worked out for her. She was still staring at Page Turner and ignoring her marefriend. That part was the same at least.

“So...” Scootaloo started, rubbing the back of her head and hiding it from my glare. “Roller’s fine, but there was a little accident and he’s in the hospital right now, but the doctors think he should be good to go by morning. Not the first time they had to deal with a scooter crash.” I sighed and the anger faded away while a whole bunch of other emotions fought on Page’s face.

“He’s going to be alright?” she asked. Scootaloo nodded. “Is he going to be able to race?”

“Yeah,” Scootaloo said. “At least, that’s what they were saying when I left.”

“Take me to the hospital” she said, turning around and trotting back out the door. “Tell me everything on the way.”

“You got it,” Scootaloo said, trotting out the door and forcing me to follow after her. I shut it behind me and followed at the rear of our group with Scootaloo leading the way.

And that was it. I wasn’t going to find my father, because Roller had to do something stupid and get himself hurt. Today was gone, and Page was going to be too busy taking care of her coltfriend to go out patrolling with me… Not that I could blame her, but still. Either her or Scootaloo had to be watching over me at all times, and since I was a good, supportive marefriend, I wasn’t about to ask Scootaloo to stop practicing so I could work on a secret mission, so I’d just be stuck to Page and Roller like a third wheel, ticking down the hours until this whole disaster of a trip was over.

Scootaloo could still win her race. Yeah, but that wasn’t the point, that was just the hook. It would be nice, but I was here! I was in the same city with him. I glanced at the houses as we trotted past. He could be in any one of them, and I wouldn’t know because I’d either be in a hospital or a hotel, because that was my life now. A never-ending stream of not-homes for me to live in.

Where was home, anyways? The penthouse, I guess? I’d lived there the longest and it had all my stuff, but I was going to be moving sooner or later. Scootaloo didn’t want to live there, and… yeah, it would be nice to live somewhere without all that baggage. Maybe Mom’s castle counted? If I lived there for a few months, possibly.

I perked my ears up. Wait, were they still talking about how Roller got hurt, because… that might’ve been important. On the other hoof, it’s not like it really impacted me unless he happened to run over my father, and that probably wasn’t the case. 

“And you won’t be staying in a hotel on your camping trip,” Mom said, suddenly appearing next to me. No, I’d be sleeping in a tent, which was like an even worse version of a hotel. Also, why the heck wasn’t she more concerned about me trying to find him?

“Because, Sweetie,” Mom said, sighing. “I’m not her. I don’t have access to all her thoughts and feelings. Her enmity for your father is not mine. Besides, there are more important things for us to discuss than him. Like your relationship with Scootaloo, for instance.”

I rolled my eyes but managed not to say anything. Were we really going to get back into this? Because–

“Even you admit it’s not working,” Mom said, interrupting my thought with another. “You’re driving yourself crazy to fix the impossible, and I hate seeing you do that to yourself. You deserve something that makes you happy..”

I pulsed my horn to send her away and looked around. When did we get inside? Why was I standing outside a hospital room? Had I really blanked out for that long? Scootaloo was standing next to me and looking into the hospital room, oblivious to how oblivious I was. “Are they doing alright?” I asked, smiling at her.

“Probably? He should still be able to race this Saturday, and nothing’s completely messed up, so…” He was doing better than me, then. “It could be a lot worse. Page is probably going to take some time to calm down, though. I know it took me a while when it was you.” Which time? The time she’d saved me or the time she ran me over?

“So, what do you want to do?” I asked. “I’m fine sitting in the hospital to be close to Page and Roller in case they need anything, but if you want to do something else, that’s fine, too.”

She frowned. “Well, I still kind of want to practice. There’s a lot of daylight left, and if I wait until he’s out of the hospital, then I’ll only have tomorrow to practice.” Right, because you were supposed to take the day before a race off or something. I guess it was so you’d be kind of rested for it? Maybe it was just a Scootaloo thing.

“Alright,” I said, shrugging. “I’ll wait in the hospital with Page, then. I’ll have her or one of the nurses take me back to the cabin tonight.” She looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “Come on, Scootaloo, it won’t be the worst thing if I have some nurse go with me. Or should I ask her to leave her coltfriend so she can trot over with me to our cabin? Like, I think I’m pretty safe in a hospital.”

Scootaloo didn’t seem completely convinced. I just stared at her. “Really?” I asked. “Okay, fine, I’ll stay with Page in a hospital all night. Better?” 

“You know, I’m fine not practicing today. If you need me–” Need me to put my dreams on hold to take care of you again, I totally will.

“I’ll be fine,” I said, gritting my teeth. “You do what you want. This is your week, and spending a little more time in a hospital won’t kill me.” Something flickered across her face. Really? I still couldn’t use a stupid idiom around her without making her think about… “Just do what you want, I’ll be here.”

“You’re sure?” she asked. “Because it’stotally cool if–”

“Yes, I’m sure!” I shouted. “I’m absolutely completely sure about what I want to do.” I stopped and got my breath. Maybe be a little less snappy with Scootaloo, she was just doing her best. “Sorry, I’m fine, just… I’ll be fine sitting in the waiting room or whatever. If you’re really concerned, just ask…” I looked around the hallway for a medical professional and found a purple stallion in nurse garb standing at the end of the hallway and staring at me. Oh. “Just…” My voice dropped to barely a whisper. “Ask him to keep an eye on me.” Lots of medical ponies had hearts for cutie marks. Kind of obvious in hindsight, wasn’t it? A tiny giggle wanted to escape my throat but I choked it back.

Scootaloo looked from me to the stallion and back as the two of us just stared at each other. “Are you alright?”

        “Never better,” I said, nodding. “Just… had a silly thought. An idea for after your big race.” I tried to give my best smirk. “It’s a really good one.”

        “Oh, okay,” she said, looking back to the stallion standing still. Not running. Not backing away. Just standing and staring. “Uhmm, if you’re not too busy, could you keep an eye on my friend? Or if you’re too busy, do you know somepony else who isn’t?”

        “Uhmm…” He opened his mouth and closed it. “No, I’m fine. That’s… Yes, I have time. My shift’s almost over, anyways, and besides your other friend, it’s been rather uneventful at the old Hoofington General.”

        “Cool,” she said, still looking between us, sensing something was tilted but not quite getting it. She took a few steps away but didn’t leave. “Then, I guess I’ll be going. I’ll see you at the cabin tonight?”

        I nodded, sparing her a glance and a hug and ignoring her usual tensing. “Yeah, I’ll tell you all about my day when I get back. It’s kind of interesting.” 

        “Alright,” she said, trotting away. “Yeah, can’t wait to hear about all the stuff you and Page have gotten up to while I was practicing.”

        “And I can’t wait to hear about how your practicing’s been going,” I said, keeping one eye on her as she trotted away and my other eye on him. Finally, she was gone.

        “So,” he said, rubbing the back of his head and suddenly having a hard time meeting my gaze. “Is there anything–”

        “I know,” I said, turning back to give him my full attention. “Don’t bother playing dumb.”

        He let out a sigh of relief. Why? “Yes, I suspected as much from the way you were looking at me – but then, the conscience has a way of playing tricks on you, doesn’t it? Anyways…” He frowned. “I don’t know how many nights I spent imagining this moment, trying to concoct some speech to explain myself, but now that it’s here, nothing I planned seems entirely adequate.”

        “Ya think?” I said, flicking my ear. “Yeah, I guess it’d be hard facing…” The words got caught up and refused to budge. “Me. Anyways, let me hear it. Tell me how much you wish you could do it all over again or whatever.”

        He looked around the hallway. “Sweetie – Sorry, do you mind if I call you Sweetie? – would you do me a great kindness and adjourn this conversation until we can move to somewhere a bit less public?” His eyes were soft, not a trace of command in them, and where did he get off being so nice and apologetic? Still, I could see why Mom liked him, he had a kind of sensitive intellectual vibe going on that was apparently her type. Not counting Applejack, I guess.

        “Alright,” I said, trotting to Roller’s room. “Just let me tell my friend I’m leaving? She’s kind of supposed to be keeping an eye on me.”

        There was a nod from him and I cracked the door open. “Hey, Page.” She and Roller stopped their conversation and looked at me. “I just wanted to let you know you’re done for the day, and….” I bit on my lower lip for a second. “I found him.”

        “Wait, what?” she said, getting to her hooves and trotting over, glancing at the stallion on the other side of the hospital-room window. “Really? He’s here? That’s…” I nodded. “Are you sure you don’t need me?”

        “I’ll be fine,” I said, smiling at her. “If I found him, I was going to try and lose you anyways, so this kind of works out. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I waved a hoof at them and looked at Roller. “And I hope you feel better soon. I think Scootaloo’ll be disappointed if she wins the race but you aren’t there to compete.” I shrugged. “And… you know, obviously, I want you to feel better just so you feel better, it’s not like the only reason I want you to get better is because it’ll make Scootaloo happy.” I frowned. That might have been the worst well-wishing in the history of well-wishing. “Get well soon.”

        “Yeah, thanks,” he said, waving a hoof at me. “And who’d you find?”

        I smiled and stepped back to the exit. “Page can fill you in on that; it’s a great story, but I’ve got to get going.”

        There was another quick exchange of pleasantries and then I shut the door, turning back to see he was still standing there. Again, he’d refused to run. “Alright,” I said, nodding my head. “Lead on.”

        “Of course,” he said, trotting down the hallway with me following next to him. “I just need to speak with my supervisor first, if that’s all right.”

        I nodded before realizing he couldn’t see me. “It’s fine,” I added to the silent gesture. “Let’s just hurry.”


♪♪♪


        It just took a minute for him to request the rest of the day off, and his boss agreed, but I caught a look from the boss he missed. Stallion going off to spend time with a young mare? Rumors spread, and he’d probably have to reveal his own secret pretty soon, too. My sympathy for him overflowed.

        “Alright,” he said as we walked down the streets of Hoofington towards some destination he had in mind. “So, I’m not sure how we should start our talk. There’s quite a bit for us to untangle.”

        I laughed with only a smidge of joy. “No kidding, I didn’t even know you existed until a month or so ago, and I’ve been so busy dealing with the rest of my life and trying to track you down, I haven’t really thought about what I think about you, if that makes sense. Like, I thought I had a dad and he was distant and awful, but then it turns out he’s actually my grandfather, and I have another father who I don’t know anything about except that he ran away.” So only one for two, so far.

        He rubbed the back of his head as he trotted in a reflexive gesture. Pretty good at walking with three hooves for a unicorn. “Yes, not exactly my proudest moment: fleeing from your mother in abject cowardice.”

        “So is this where you say if you could do it all over again, you’d totally not abandon me?” I asked, snorting. “Because that’s really easy to say now.”

        “It is remarkably easy to say, I’ll give you that, but it’s also not true.” What? He shook his head and gave a small pale smile. “I’m sorry, I know you probably wanted to hear the other thing, but I spent a lot of time thinking about it. Yes, my flight was cowardly and detestable, but at the same time, a great many things seem to have worked out for the better because of it.”

        “Got it, so because things worked out great for you and you got a cozy life out of running away, you wouldn’t change it,” I said, rolling my eyes as we trotted. Were we heading back to the hotel?

        “Partly, yes, my running brought two more lives into the world, lives which are very dear to me and that I’m loathe to consign so easily into oblivion.” Wow, for a nurse, he sure was flowery, maybe– Wait, had I really not asked him the most basic question yet?

        “What’s your name?” I asked. “That seems like a good place to start.”

        He blinked and took a misstep. “Oh, yes, I suppose it would. Sorry, I just assumed you already knew that.” He stopped and extended a hoof to me. “Purple Heart, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Sweetie Belle.”

        I stared at his hoof. Just turn away. Why the heck should I shake his hoof? Just because he felt bad about what happened eighteen years ago? He wouldn’t even undo it if he could. Undo running away, not undo the other thing. On the other hoof, shaking his wasn’t forgiveness or anything. It was just politeness, and Mom did raise me to be that. I met his hoof with mine. “Don’t make this more than it is,” I said. “Now, you were talking about how you’d totally still abandon me if you could do it again?”

        He winced. “I wouldn’t have used those exact words, I think, although I admit there’s still truth to them. Yes, beyond my own comfort, I think there are other perfectly valid reasons for my running away. Your mother, for starters, and her position as the Bearer of Generosity. When I knew her, she was one of the ponies least qualified for the position, if you’ll pardon my rudeness. While she had her charms, she also demanded the world revolve around her and could be rather… frightening when it didn’t.” There was a pause there as he imagined something. It wasn’t too hard to guess. “While I can’t speak definitively, I think there’s at least a chance that whatever change transpired in her after I left, might not have if I’d stayed.”

        That was… “So you’re saying if you didn’t run away, Equestria would’ve been conquered by Nightmare Moon, Discord, the changelings, King Sombra, or Tirek,” I said, rattling the names off. “I don’t think Starlight Glimmer would have taken over Equestria, but I’m not sure.” Yeah, we were definitely trotting back to the hotel, why?

        “All those…” he trailed off, finishing the thought in his head. The list of times my mom’d saved Equestria was pretty impressive when you put it down like that. “Anyways, I’m not going to make a claim that outlandish. We are dealing with hypotheticals here, and at the end of the day, I can’t say for sure what would have happened had I done the mature thing, but it does seem the scales are weighted towards ill. There’s only one ideal scenario and so many more bad ones.”

        “None of this is to excuse my actions,” he quickly added. “What I did was wrong, and the justification of hindsight hardly excuses my affront, but…”

        “You still wouldn’t undo it because of how well everything worked out,” I said, sighing. “Also, why the heck have we been talking about some dumb hypothetical for so long?”

        “Because you asked me a hypothetical question that I happened to spend a great deal of time pondering independently,” he said like it was the most obvious question in the world – which, when he put it that way, it was. “Then, you asked me to clarify my position, so I clarified.”

        “Okay, then,” I said, ‘hmming’ to myself in thought as we veered off from the hotel to trot towards the lake.

        “Do you mind if we sit at Flowers Pond? Its view of the mountains never ceases to be an inspiration for me, although the cottages do undermine the effect somewhat,” he said.

        “Hey, I’m staying in one of those cottages, but… yeah, the view is pretty. I’ve spent almost as much time looking up at those mountains as I spent looking for you,” I said, looking up at the looming mountains. “We don’t exactly have anything like them in Manehattan or Ponyville..”

        “I’m aware,” he said, chuckling. “You know, I spent a bit of time in Manehattan in my youth as a part of my grand poetic wandering. I wanted to travel the breadth of Equestria and then cross the seas. Trot the roads of Roam, see the sights of Prairis, make my way to Neighpon. There are so many great cultural sites in the world, and I’m proud to say I visited most of them.” He was almost smiling about that. That wouldn’t do at all.

        “So, you did all that after you left my mom to be a single mother, right?” I asked, bringing him back to the situation at hoof.

        “Yes,” he said, finding a nice spot of grass with a good view of the mountains and their twin reflected in the lake. “I am sorry for leaving you and your mother. That was wrong of me and immature. However, I won’t apologize for living a life after that.”

        “Fine,” I said, sitting down. “So after you left my Mom,  you got to go on a nice world tour. Sounds way more fun than having to raise a daughter and build a business. And save the world.”

        “You’re right, it probably was. On the other hoof, she gets to live in a castle, I don’t; she gets to be a princess, I don’t; she got to see you grow up, and I didn’t. Something tells me she wouldn’t trade our positions for all the bits in Equestria.” Yeah, that was probably true. Like, she basically got everything she wanted, and she wanted a lot. Something told me she wasn’t complaining.

        There was silence as we both stared at the landscape, he stared at the mountains and I stared at their reflections in the lake. “They look almost real,” I said. “Like there’s a mirror world beneath the pond that we can’t get to. What do you think it’s like there?”

        “Perhaps it’s a world where I stayed and Rarity and I smoothed out the rough edges of our relationship. Or maybe we never did and hated each other, only staying together for your sake. It’s hard to say. Maybe it’s exactly like our world but upside down and wetter,” he said. I kind of laughed at that last bit. It wasn’t funny, but I still laughed. “Sorry, the image of the mirror world’s always fascinated me. I think what we see reflected says more about us than what’s being reflected.”

        What was wrong with me? A very good question. I’d come all this way, rearranged Scootaloo’s life to get what I wanted, to see him, and now that I was here, I wasn’t holding his hooves to the fire, I wasn’t demanding answers, I was just asking dumb hypotheticals and talking about mirrors. Why hadn’t I asked the important question?

        You know why

        I took a breath. Because when you asked questions, you got answers. “I get why you left, you were young and scared and maybe Mom was kind of scary back then – she can be kind of scary now when she’s upset, and I think she’s toning it down a lot, but she has her…”

        “Her looks?” he finished. “Yes, they can be positively withering, can’t they? No yelling – I don’t think she ever yelled – she just spoke with absolute certainty and stared at me like she dared me to say no.” He paused and shook his head. “My apologies, Sweetie, I shouldn’t say such things about your mother, as it seems the mare I knew and the mare that raised you are two very distinct individuals.”

        “It’s fine,” I said, waving a hoof and glancing at him. “Like, she does have her looks that really make you want to run for the hills.” I took a breath. Enough dancing around the issue. “Why didn’t you come back? Why didn’t you do something when you saw my name in all the papers? Why… You have a nice life here, why didn’t you want me to be a part of it? I don’t understand, you seem nice enough, so how could you see everything that happened to me and not do something?”

        “What was I to do? March to Manehattan, knock on your doors and say ‘I apologize for my rudeness, Sweetie, but your entire life’s a lie, your sister is your mother, I’m your father, and I want you to come to Hoofington with me’? Yes, of course I wanted to do something, but I didn’t have the right to. You’d lived your entire life ignorant of my existence, not knowing the secret of your parentage; was I supposed to come in at your lowest moment with an unbelievable story? At best, you’d dismiss me as a lunatic looking to take advantage of you; at worst, I’d destroy the few shreds of normalcy you had left in your life.” There was a pause and I caught him rubbing a groove in the dirt with his hoof. “Yes, I had thoughts about coming up there, at times. It seemed a grand way to atone for my mistake. But I wasn’t about to act so carelessly for the sake of my ego.”

        “Okay,” I said, taking a breath. Hard to argue with his response. He always seemed to have an answer, didn’t he? Still... “That makes sense. I get why you did everything, I think, so… I don’t know, you seem like you might be nice.” What else could I say? I wasn’t going to start calling him Dad just because I maybe kind of didn’t hate the stallion. On the other hoof, if he wanted to be part of my life…

        “Praise from Celestia,” he said, almost smiling. 

        “Huh?” I asked, tilting my head. 

        “An old idiom,” he said, chuckling. “I forget most ponies didn’t spend their youth with a snout lodged firmly in the scrolls of antiquity. It means to be praised by somepony held in high esteem.”

        My ear twitched as the sun entered my eyes and I raised a hoof to shield them. “Oh, so you were making fun of me,” I said.

        He shook his head. “Not at all, I was… a touch hyperbolic, perhaps, but the praise was sincere. Of all the ways this meeting could have ended, being judged as ‘possibly nice’ is better than I could have dared dream. I imagined there being more screaming, profaning, and accusation.”

        I shrugged and focused on the dirt in front of me instead of looking up. “I wasn’t really angry. Maybe I should be, but right now, I think all my hate’s tied up.” I almost giggled at the image of my hate bound and on a bed. “Like, I only learned you existed a month or two ago, and I already thought I had a dad, so… I don’t know. If I found out a few years ago, I probably would have been furious at you and Mom, but after this last season, I’m just not.”

        A long pause followed. Oh, Celestia, I didn’t even know him back then, and he was still going to get awkward if I referenced all… that. Then again, he already sounded like he felt guilty about it. It must’ve run in the family, so between him and Mom, I was doomed from the start.

        “So, what now?” he asked. “Is this our parting of the ways, or–”

        “I don’t want it to be,” I said, not thinking it over. “I’d like to learn more about you, beyond just why you did what you did, and… maybe spend some more time with you before I leave for Ponyville?” I ran a hoof through my mane. What was I saying? He completely abandoned me, and now I was talking about getting to know him better? I had my answers, just go. “Ugh, sorry, that’s probably a really stupid idea.”

        “Oh, no, not at all,” he said, shaking his head. “I… Like I said, I wouldn’t undo my decision, but I’d still like to make amends for my youthful cowardice. I know we’ll never be as close as we could’ve been, but I’d still like to try and mend that rift.” He frowned for a second.

        I looked at him, studying the lines on his face. He seemed sincere enough. “Okay,” I said. “So… silly question, but what should I call you? Dad’s not going to happen, but Purple Heart doesn’t sound right either.”

        There was a quick smile from him. “Ah, well, I’ve always been partial to Art or Artie. I never really cared much for my full name, too stiff for my tastes.” Hah, another thing he had in common with Mom. That probably didn’t play much of a part in them getting together, but it was still kind of… there? I don’t know, I liked my full name.

        “Okay, Art… Artie…” I tasted the words, noted the way they shaped my lips. Another round. Artie it was. “Okay, Artie, so…” A stupid thought popped in my head. “This is probably crazy, but – your family; are you going to tell them about…” I trailed off and he nodded, understanding the words not said.

        “I plan to,” he said, tilting his head. “It seems the only decent thing to do, although I’m not looking forward to talking with Silvy about it. There aren’t any easy ways to say you’ve been hiding a secret daughter for the last… almost two decades. Unless my math is terribly wrong, you have a birthday coming up soon, right?”

        “Eighteen on the twenty-eighth,” I said, nodding my head. A sound caught my attention, and I looked up to see a family of ponies sitting on the other end of the lake and eating. A mom, a dad, and three foals all enjoying a late picnic. Weird to picnic on a Wednesday – but then, back in Ponyville, Mom and her friends used to have picnics and stuff all the time. How many of those old parks had been demolished for more housing, though? How far away had the meadows been pushed? Would I recognize it when I got back? I blinked. Artie was still talking.

        “Could you say that again?” I asked, looking back at him and apologizing with a sheepish head shake. “I kind of went off into my own head a bit.” I gave the family one last look.

        He studied me for a second. How many interviews had he read? Enough to know how hard I hit the ground when I fell? “Of course,” he finally said. “Happens to me all the time. One minute I’m talking with somepony, they say some choice line, and the next, my head’s off somewhere else entirely.” He gave a little chuckle and I went along with it. Was that even inheritable? Maybe Life Bloom knew. “I was just talking aloud about how I’d start the talk with Silvy. I don’t think there’s an easy way to tell her, but then, how many important things are easy?”

        “I don’t know, it was kind of easy when Mom told me she was my Mom... but it was also kind of really good news for me, you know?” I said. I started to say something else, but thought better. Maybe saying it was a relief that my parents hadn’t just abandoned me to tour the world was a bad idea, since it was only half-right. “But… yeah, your news sounds tough.” 

        The conversation lulled for a bit as we both went back into our heads. What was he thinking about? Was he asking himself the same question? Trying to get into my head? Replaying all the things he read in the paper, figure out was real and what wasn’t? “It’s all true,” I finally said. “The stories in the papers, you know. Well, my story is, and I think Bright Lights’ story is mostly true. Like, her last interview was just a massive lie, but the stuff before that, what I was like back then? Maybe she twisted things up a bit, but it all kind of feels right. She just didn’t talk about how she got me hooked and made me completely dependent on her. Don’t know why she forgot that.”

        “Ah, yes,” he said, blinking. “I was actually curious about –  Well, not the tabloid details, I’d prefer not knowing those  – but I was curious about the mare you’ve become. Who you are, where you’ve been, where you want to go, that sort of thing. Beyond just facts, and with the paper’s perspective excised.”

        “And the stuff I don’t want to share?” I asked, tilting her head. “Because–”

        He waved a hoof. “I don’t expect you to tell me everything – wanting that would be the height of arrogance on my part – but I would appreciate it if you didn’t lie to me.” He tapped a hoof. “Oh, there must be an appropriately pithy way I can put this. What about ‘Don’t tell me everything, but keep what you do tell honest’?” He shook his head. “No, it still doesn’t flow right, what about–”

        “It’s fine, I get it,” I said, raising a hoof up. “And I think I can do that, but if I say I don’t want to talk about something, you drop it, right?” He nodded. “Alright, then I’ll tell you all about me, but…” I paused and grinned. “You first.”

        “Wait, what?” he asked, blinking. “That’s…” He took a breath. “Yes, well, I suppose that’s…”

        “You know a lot about me,” I said, tilting my head. “My story was in all the papers, and I bet you made sure to look through everything with my name on it – but I didn’t even know your name until just a few minutes ago. I figure if we’re going to be telling our life stories, you go first.”

        “Alright,” he said, nodding his head. “My life story. I suppose… Where would I even begin?”


♥♥♥


        I suppose it all turns around you. It doesn’t start with you; I had my dreams before that. I was a stallion – a colt, really – with grand ambitions. I wanted to travel the world, to pluck secret words from the hearts of stars and wrestle them onto the page. You know, forge in the smithy of my soul a new Equestrian conscience. That sort of thing.

        Wait, so you didn’t want to be a nurse when you were young? I thought once you got your cutie mark, you just kind of focused on that.

        Oh, and I did, but my special talent isn’t nursing, it’s poetry. To me, poetry has always been fundamentally about expressing the truth – not facts, journalists are good enough for that – but real sublime truth, and like all beautiful things, truth rests in the heart.

        I suppose that’s what drew your mother and I together initially. We were both artists, in our fashion; we both wanted to reveal beauty, we both had dreams beyond Ponyville – she wanted Canterlot, I wanted the world – and we were both monumentally selfish at the time. We were going to reshape the world and leave behind great monuments to vanity and ambition.

        So, what, you were just going to be like some artsy power couple?

        We didn’t talk about our plans. We didn’t have plans together. It was all very “in the moment,” and our plans rarely outpaced the evening. 

Don’t look at me like that, it was more than just sex, but… we believed love and art should be free, and scoffed at leser ponies who bound themselves together eternally. 

        That doesn’t sound a lot like Mom.

        Well, perhaps those ideas were more mine than hers. I was more concerned with the intellectual statement, and she more with the romance of the idea. I remember her working her way through quite a few non-traditional romance novels back then. Stories with liberated mares giving their hearts away freely, getting involved in these grand, passionate, all-consuming relationships that licked them up like fire.

        Anyways, where was I? Right, the two of us were together with no plans beyond the evening. We met, discussed our great works of the day, our dreams, or whatever beautiful thing grabbed our attention, and then… Well, we were young and in love, do I need to say anything else?

        Please don’t.

        Right, well, this continued for a season. It was the long summer of adolescence. We’d finished school, were technically adults, and had none of the responsibilities that came with the title. We were factories of passion, spending our days churning out art to leave our signature on Equestria and our nights drawing together for inspiration. Then, of course, it all came crashing down with you.

        We weren’t careful. I thought just because she wasn’t actually in heat, we were fine. Of course, the funny thing is, I knew she could go into heat any day, but didn’t stop to consider what would happen if she was fine one day and in heat the next. Like I said, no thought to the future. At least, not to our future.

        Well, one day after her heat ended – I remember it ended early that year, I suppose that was the first sign – she came up to me with the news. She was pregnant and expected me to give up my dreams of travel to support her. I think… I think she would have been fine if I just stayed in Ponyville, but I didn’t see that then. I saw a betrayal of all our ideas. I saw her demanding I abandon my dreams and goals to take care of her, and there wasn’t a single mention of her abandoning any of her ambitions.

        Leaving felt like my only option. Maybe it wasn’t, maybe I was wrong – I was wrong about a lot of things back then – but I can only speak to my feelings in the moment and seeing her standing before me, demanding my life with no thought to what I wanted… Yes, of course I ran. I told her what she wanted to hear, and then once I was back home, I packed all my things in a cart, told Mom and Dad what I was doing and why and slunk out of Ponyville in the middle of the night. 

        So you just left?

        Well, I wasn’t going to face your mother again. You just didn’t say ‘no’ to her back then. No, the only way to leave unscathed was by sneaking away. I didn’t even tell my parents where I’d settled until a bit before I left on my tour.

        Your tour?

        Oh, yes, I’m getting there, but I need to set some things up in Hoofington first. A very important character makes their stage debut here.

        That would be… Silvy?

        Right. Hoofington’s her town. She was born and raised here. Back then, she was a recently-hired teller at a local bank. That’s how we met: my parents were wiring some bits over to me, and she was the agent who assisted me.

        So, what? You just decided to marry a bank teller?

        Not at all. Well, later I did, but back then, we were just two ponies making small talk. I mentioned my plans to travel the world, she said she’d never left Hoofington, and I can’t remember exactly how things transpired from there, but it ended with me taking down her address and agreeing to write often.

        And you did?

        Prolifically. Letters on letters on letters. It started off as a rather dry travelogue, describing what I’d seen and done in as much detail as I could, but it grew from there. She wrote back, first to let me know what she thought, then to share more of her life with me. You know, what her day was like, funny little thoughts she had while working, and I suppose I reciprocated. Instead of just writing about what it saw, I wrote on what it made me feel.

        But I thought you were a poet.

        Yes, I am, but for me, the writing started as an obligation. I enjoyed the writing, but at first, I thought she’d prefer it if I divorced myself from the sites as much as possible. Silly in hindsight, but it took me a while to realize that just describing the site didn’t capture the emotional weight of the moment. That would require putting my own emotions on the page.

        Anyways, yes. Our correspondence deepened, we shared more of our lives with each other, and soon enough, I was writing her poems to try and capture the grandeur and beauty of all I’d seen for her, and she was writing about the new house she purchased in Hoofington, how she was renovating it. One night, somewhere out on the steppe, huddled in a tent to see the travelling capital of the Wildmares, I found myself writing a different poem. Small and impressionistic, it was just… a moment, two ponies together, surrounded by home. The next day, I turned west and my wanderings drew to a close.. 

        Just like that? You gave up travelling the world so you could be with a mare? Couldn’t you have finished your tour?

        Perhaps, but there came a time for me – maybe it comes for all ponies – when you wake up and realize that what you wanted isn’t what you needed. I wanted to tour the world and enlighten Equestria. I didn’t need it, though. Instead of shaping the souls of others, I needed to cleanse my own. So I traded in grand vistas for domestic simplicity, and never looked back.

        Great. Would it have killed you to have that revelation before you left?

        Sweetie…

        I know, I know, you already talked about it. You regret it, but you wouldn’t undo it, because this way, you got to travel the world and get married and be a boring dad. Hooray for you. Now, are you going to tell me about how you came back to Hoofington, bent your knee, and immediately proposed to Silver Whatever?

        Quick Silver, and well, yes, I did. She didn’t say yes, though. It turns out bank tellers aren’t as given to grand romantic gestures as poets. Still, she did let me stay with her on a trial basis. Then, she extended the trial, and a few months later, she was the one doing the proposing. I probably could have come up with something a bit more romantic, but I’m proud to say not by much.

        And then you got married, had a couple of kids, and everything was just peachy until I showed up?

        I already said I’m not going to apologize for the good things in my life. I made my mistakes, and I’ll gladly try to make amends for them, but–

        “Hey, Sweetie, what are you doing out here with the nurse?”
        

♪♪♪


        My head whipped around, pulled away from my interrogation of Artie and towards Scootaloo. “Hey, Scootaloo,” I said, smiling back at my marefriend as she trotted over towards us, her scooter slung across her back. She was still a few pony-lengths away, but I could already smell the stink of sweat on her. Must’ve been pushing herself extra hard today. No points for guessing why. “So…” How long had we been out here talking? The sun had just finished slipping behind the mountains a few minutes ago, and considering we were getting close to the longest day of the year... “Wow, the time really went by, didn’t it?”

        She nodded, taking another step forward and giving Artie a look. “And what are you still doing with him? I thought he was just going to walk you back to our cabin.”

        I smiled at her and rubbed the back of my head. Time for a little tiny confession. “Yeah, so… the nurse’s name is Purple Heart, and he’s my–” At the last second I switched the words from familiarity to formality, using the same word for him that Mom did for her own dad. “Father.”

        Scootaloo laughed. I glared at her. Really? I just confessed and she– “That’s a good one, Sweetie, but…” She stopped and looked at me, leaning in to study my face. “Wait, you really believe that, don’t you?” In a second, she’d positioned herself between me and Artie, and was staring him down. “So, you saw a confused mare, read about her in the papers, and thought you could get a nice paycheck out of scamming her, right?”

        Artie returned her look with a quiet curiosity, like he was trying to take in all the fiery passion that was Scootaloo and understand it. “Unless I’m gravely mistaken, the news that Rarity is Sweetie Belle’s true mom isn’t public knowledge. As far as the world is concerned, Sweetie’s parents and Rarity’s parents are one and the same.” He looked past Scootaloo to me. “Or am I forgetting something?”

        I shook my head. “Nope.”

        “So, what?” Scootaloo asked, looking back at me, still keeping us separate. “You just expect me to believe that your dad just happened to live in the same town I had my big race in?”

        That was… A tortured grin formed on my face. “Not quite. It’s more like I learned he was living in Hoofington first, and convinced you to do compete in the Open second.”

        In a blink, she’d swiveled around and pressed her face right up to mine. “Say that again?” She glared at me and for once, I didn’t glare back. Glaring didn’t help defuse her.

        “Defuse? I thought she was a pony, not a bomb,” a voice said behind me. Not Bright Lights’ or Mom’s, but mine. Before she could say another word, I lit up my horn and burned her away.

        “Okay, so, I had my own reason for coming to Hoofington, but it’s not like I lied to you. I really do think you should race in the Open, but… I also wanted to track down my father while we were here. We both got something we wanted,” I said, trying to keep my smile up and taking a step back.

        “Really?” Scootaloo asked. “You think I care about…? Sweetie, you lied to me.” What? I’d literally just said I hadn’t lied. I opened my mouth to protest. “Okay, you didn’t tell a lie.” She waved a hoof. “Whatever, you still manipulated me. You tricked me into doing something you wanted instead of just talking to me.” So? That was how our whole relationship worked. How was this worse than any of the other times I manipulated her?

        She found out.

        “And?” I asked, tilting my head and firing off my next thought. “I’m still helping you. If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be too scared to be out here competing. Who cares if I get something I want as well?”

        “If it wasn’t for you?!” Scootaloo shouted. “If it wasn’t for you, I would’ve competed years ago. The only reason I didn’t want to do the Open originally was because I was worried about you.” In the background, Purple Heart was backing away. I held up a hoof for him to stay. He stopped.

        “Yeah, and you shouldn’t have been, so I gave you a push in the right direction.” I lifted my muzzle up. “You’ve liked everything I made you do, so I don’t get what the big deal is. I’m just doing what’s best for both of us, so maybe give me just a little trust.”

        In the background, Purple Heart winced and I figured out why a second later. “Really?” Scootaloo said, taking another step forward and sending me a step closer to the lake’s edge. “Okay, so do you want to tell me why you hid the fact your dad lived in Hoofington?” Right, when we were having fights about me manipulating her, bringing up trust was probably a bad idea. 

        “Because I know you’re sending little reports back to Mom,” I said, launching my own offensive and stomping towards her. Scootaloo refused to move. “Anything starts going wrong with me, and you have to let her know. That’s the deal, right?”

        She might not have moved, but she was still taken aback. “Well, yeah, but I don’t always have to. I kept your secret when you ran out into the middle of the road.”

        “Sure,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Because it’s our secret. If Mom found out, she’d have been back in Manehattan in a heartbeat, probably really upset at you, poring over every bit of my life, and if she’d found out about our fights, we’d’ve been done. You didn’t have a reason to lie this time.”

        “So… what you’re saying is you don’t trust me to help you out when I don’t have a reason to,” Scootaloo asked like she was stating a fact. “What you’re saying is that, when it comes down to it, you don’t trust me to be there for you when you need me.” Great, and she was trying to make it all about her. Make it so I was the bad mare. Well, what she called bad, I called doing what had to be done to make us work. To keep us both happy. If that was bad, then, yeah, I guess I was bad.

        You already know you’re bad.

        I waved a hoof dismissively. “Yeah, I guess when it comes to important life-altering things, I don’t trust you not to tell my mom, and I’d rather have you do what I want than spend all day arguing with me.”

        Scootaloo took a deep breath, and then… just trotted away. “Got it,” she said. “After everything I’ve done, you still don’t trust me. You still think I’m gonna betray you the second you do something I don’t like. Well, guess what, Sweetie? I’m not going to tell your Mom about this. I’m going to keep your secret for you, and I would’ve done it anyways, if you’d asked.” I followed along behind her, but she held up a hoof for me to stop. “Sweetie, I still love you, but right now, I don’t want to be near you. I need to think, and that’s a lot easier to do without you.”

        “And what?” I asked, taking another step after her. “You’re just going to take over the cottage and send me out on my own? Kind of thought you didn’t want me to be alone.”

        “Yeah, well, I thought you were being honest with me, so…” She looked back at me. “Look, I’m not throwing you out on the street. You have enough bits for your own hotel room, and – you know what? – you’ll be fine. You’re not as much of a danger to yourself as I thought.” My heart pounded in my chest. What did she mean by that? Was she figuring out… She’d hate me if she learned about that lie.

        I smiled at her. There was a bar in the hotel. One bad relapse, and I’d have her back with no questions asked. She couldn’t help herself when it came to me. 

        “Sweetie, are you hearing yourself?” Mom asked from next to me. 

        Yeah, I heard me, I was just doing what I had to. Another terrible thing to keep our relationship alive. Put it on the pile, right? “Alright, fine,” I said to Scootaloo. “Have a good night, and I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night?” Or tomorrow morning passed out on her doorstep reeking of alcohol. She nodded. I gave her a quick kiss and ignored Scootaloo’s repressed revulsion. More than usual, this time. “Great, I’ll see you then.” 

        She turned and trotted away and I just sat staring after her as she shrank to nothing. “Are you really going to do this?” Mom asked, moving closer to me.

        I just nodded. “If I have to.”

        “Have to what?” a stallion – Purple Heart – said from behind me.

        “Nothing,” I said, shaking my head and turning back to him. “Just… sorry you had to see that.”

        “Believe me, I’ve seen worse. Been a part of worse,” he said. ”How are you doing?”

        I shrugged at him and looked back at the hotel and its bar. “I’ll be fine. It’s not like it’s our first fight. Or second.”

        “Or twentieth?” he asked. I looked at the line of muzzle and saw the tiniest of upticks. If he was wrong, I might’ve been mad.

        “Yeah, I think we’re pushing up on triple digits now,” I said, trotting back to the hotel with him following behind. “Do you think there’s any chance they still have an open room with the race so close?”

        “If it was tomorrow, absolutely not, but today… there’s the slimmest of chances they still have an opening. However…” He trailed off and I turned around to look at him. “Listen, we have a spare guest room, all the comforts of home, and I’m proud to say I cook a very mean breakfast scramble. Considering this fight is at least partly my fault and…”

        I raised an eyebrow up at him. “Really? You’re going to offer me a place to stay just like that? That’s kind of a lot to dump on your family.”

        “Yes, I’m very aware,” he said, nodding his head. “But it’s also the right thing to do.” He turned around and gestured for me to follow him. “Now, come on. I’m sure once Quick Silver calms down she’ll absolutely love you, Ruby always loves meeting new ponies, and Sonnet… well, she might pass out when she sees you.”

        “Good pass out or bad pass out?” I asked, quirking my head as I followed after him.

        “Oh, very good,” he said. “Through no prodding of my own, she decided to become your biggest fan. Your poster hangs over her bed, she owns all your Bridleway albums, and I think she’s written you enough letters to rival my own works. Any chance you…” He looked at me, trying to figure out the nicest way to ask if I remembered any of her letters through my drug fog.

        “Sorry,” I said, frowning. “Between everything that happened, I don’t remember much, especially not fan letters. I think maybe Bright Lights handled all those?”

        He shook his head. “I feared as much. Well, either way, I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to meet you.” We turned down into one of Hoofington’s small streets, and I could’ve sworn I stepped back into the old Ponyville. The one before Twilight and everything else.

        “So, did you intentionally move to a town that was just like Ponyville, or what?” I asked. “Also, what’s up with you? Like, you’re a poet, but you also work as a nurse?”

        “I believe I decided on Hoofington by throwing a dart on a map of Equestria. Well, two darts; the first one landed back on Ponyville. Second, I like the work. It informs my creative passion, brings money to help support my family, and allows me to keep the price of my books down.”

        “Wait, what?” I asked, my ears swiveling to focus on his voice. He wanted to make less money from his poetry? “So, you want to help support your family, but you also want to sell your books for cheaper? You know, you could make more money if…”

        “Yes, I could make more money if I sold my books above cost, but then fewer ponies would be able to read my work,” he said, slowing his trot as we approached the next cottage. “And art shouldn’t just be for the rich. The fruits of the mind are equanity’s birthright, and I’d rather my work enrich the world than enrich me.”

        Oh, Celestia, he was one of those ponies. I’d met at least a few of them in Manehattan. I only had a few vague impressions, but I definitely remember being annoyed when the ‘noble’ starving artist would lecture me about the evils of profit in one breath and then expect me – well, Bright Lights – to pay the bill in the next.

        “You know, I always admired the street musician. They play for free but manage to support themselves through the generosity of a few listeners, and don’t you think there’s something wonderfully intimate about a performance on a street corner?” I rolled my eyes where he couldn’t see them. On the other hoof, he did have a regular job to make money, so if he wanted to be stupidly principled about stuff, that was his business.

        “Yeah, it’s super admirable,” I said as he trotted over to a door and paused outside the entrance. “But I think I’ll take being able to make a living doing what I love over making some point.”

        “Fair enough,” he said, shrugging. “I won’t begrudge any artist who makes a living off their work.” He smiled at me. “And perhaps my grand intellectual point masks the fact that it’s almost impossible to make a living as a poet.”

        I gave a little laugh. “It’s that bad?”

        He nodded. “Oh, yes. Excluding me, can you name any living poets?”

        “Not really,” I said, shaking my head. I probably couldn’t name any dead poets, either, though.

        “And that’s my point. We don’t tend to have mainstream appeal. Some do, but that’s the exception, not the rule,” he said before glancing back at the door. “I think it would be best if you wait outside while I speak with my wife. Once she calms down, I’ll call you in.” I nodded and a second later, he slipped through the door, leaving me behind to stare up at the burgeoning night sky.

        “You could just go back to the hotel,” Bright Lights whispered in my ear. “Go to the bar, get drunk, pass out on the doorstep, and reel Scootaloo back in.”

        I paused for a second. I could. I definitely could do that, and it would work. Scootaloo might yell a bit, but she’d take me back, maybe tighten my leash a bit, but who cared if it glossed over our fight? She loved me, I loved her, and I needed to make her happy. To give her what she wanted. I owed her that and so much more. Owed her everything.

        On the other hoof, I’d be hurting Scootaloo to get what I wanted, and that was… I sighed and lit my horn up, sending Bright Lights back to oblivion. Maybe getting to know my father and his family wasn’t that awful an idea. I could always manipulate Scootaloo tomorrow if she was still being stubborn.

        Behind me, I heard a mare shout “You did what?!” loud enough for half the neighborhood to hear. So, I guess that was Silvy, and it sounded like she was taking it about as well as you’d expect. My gaze turned towards the moon. Funny how clear all the stars were out here. In the city you could only see, like, a couple dozen of them. Out here, you could see thousands and thousands, and they all looked so crisp. How many could you see in Ponyville, now?

        My lips twitched. I needed to get to sleep soon and see how Luna was doing. Plus, she’d probably have about a hundred questions for me about how I was doing. Well, between Scootaloo and Artie, we’d have enough to keep us going until morning. Although you know what she’ll want to talk about with Scootaloo. Maybe we’d just talk about Art.

        “And you brought her with you?!” A few villagers poked their heads out the door, taking note on tomorrow’s gossip. I slunk a bit closer to the porch’s shadows, hoping nopony’d recognize me. I hadn’t been trying to hide myself in town, but now? Anonymity would be better now.

        I sighed and went back to studying the stars to pass the time. “Well, what’s she doing now?” Quick Silver – I guess – asked, voice quieter this time. If the back of my head wasn’t resting against the door, I probably wouldn’t have–

        Something whumped into me, sending me sprawling off the porch and into the bushes. I stared up, bits of leaves and stuff almost hiding my view of the filly staring down at me with big amber eyes. “It’s you! What are you doing here? Did you get my letters? Oh my gosh, you want me to help you do your comeback, right? I’ve been planning it all out, you’ll do your most popular songs, I’ll compose some more for you, everypony’ll love them, and they’ll forget all about the lies in the paper,” she said, words tumbling out. “Then, when we’re alone, you’ll confess how much I mean to–” She shut up, snapping her jaw closed. I almost laughed at that, like something I’d’ve done way back when I was her age.

        “Uhmm…. Hi,” I said, holding out a hoof and taking a closer look at her. It was too dark to get a good look at her coat and mane colors beyond the fact that they were two different colors that looked kind of grayish at night. Earth pony, though – or at least, not a unicorn. “Could you help me up?”

        She squealed and grabbed my hoof. “Oh my gosh, I get to help you up after I accid–” Her brain caught up to her mouth again and she pulled her hoof away, dropping me back onto the ground. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to! I was just so excited and what are you even doing outside my house and I’m Dulcet Sonatina, but you probably already knew that if you were visiting me.”

        “Actually, I didn’t,” I said as I rolled over onto my stomach and pushed myself up, checking to see if anything was too sore. I might ache for a bit, but it didn’t feel like anything’d been broken. I wiggled a hoof just to be sure, then wiggled the next. “I guess you’re Sonnet, though? You don’t look like a Ruby.” Sonnet, Sonatina, that probably was like how you got Artie out of Purple Heart. Still, Dulcet sounded way better.

        Before she could say something else, the door to the house opened and another mare trotted out. Older, probably about Art’s or Mom’s age, and she was quick to get between me and her daughter. “What did you do?” she asked, looking right at me. Great, nice to meet you, too.

        “I got tackled by your daughter,” I said, meeting her eyes and doing my best to be diplomatic. Blowing up in front of – What was she? She was something to me, right? Step-mom? Felt weird using that term for her if I wasn’t thinking of Art as my dad – during our first meeting wouldn’t help things. And it’s not like it was her fault she had all this dumped on her. 

        Is that actual empathy? Well done, Sweetie. I flicked my ear and continued. “I’m guessing seeing me sitting on her porch was kind of a shock for her,” I continued. There was a small flicker in the air as the hostility left her look. My answer must’ve satisfied her mother bear instinct.

        “Yeah, she wants me to help with her big comeback tour,” Dulcet said. “It’s going to be great, she must’ve read all my fan letters and realized I was her truest fan.” Silver looked from her daughter to me and I just shrugged. Apparently, that was good enough for her. She smiled and turned back to her daughter.

        “Sweetie–” She tripped on that term for a second as we both focused on her. “Sonnet, go inside and talk to Daddy for a minute. Mommy’s going to talk with Miss Belle for a few minutes, alright?”

        “But Mom–” Dulcet started to say. Seriously, Dulcet sounded like a way nicer name than Sonnet.

        “Sonnet, go inside,” Silver said before her daughter could finish the protest. “I promise, you’ll get a chance to talk with Sweetie in a bit.” Under her supervision, of course. Not that I could blame her for that. Considering my reputation… Yeah, I could see why ponies wouldn’t want me alone with their daughters, even if I was also their half-sister.

        “Fine,” Dulcet said, trudging past her mother and into the house. 

        “So…” Silver said a second after the door clicked shut. “You’ll forgive me if I’m still working to understand everything. You’re quite a bit to take in.”

        I laughed. “That’s one way to put it. Probably a way nicer way to put it than I would. So…” I hoofed at the ground. “Look, I get this is weird, and I think maybe Purple Heart overestimated how easy this would be for you to deal with.” I shook my head. “And I was probably a little crazy for thinking he might be right, so if you want, I can just go back to the hotel and we can pretend nothing happened.”

        “Oh, I think that’s quite impossible,” she said, looking at me and adding up sums in her head. “We can’t just ignore our problems, we have to deal with them.” Great, so I was going to be dealt with. At least Scootaloo could point ponies in the right direction if I went missing. “Why don’t we go for a walk, Miss Belle?”

        Wait, was she actually going to kill me? Because if I wanted to get rid of somepony, leading them out to the woods in the middle of the night and hitting them on the head with something heavy wasn’t the worst way to do it. “Uhmm… call me Sweetie,” I said, looking at her and giving the tiniest nod. “It’s kind of weird when ponies get all formal with you, right? Maybe it’s just me?”

        “Really?” she asked, heading towards the center of town. I let out a small sigh of relief. “I thought you’d be used to it, considering your station.”

        “Station?” I tilted my head and laughed. “Oh, the nobility thing. Well, I didn’t really know about that until, like, a month ago. It hasn’t really… I don’t know, I still feel like everypony else.”

        “Very well,” she said as we kept moving towards – I visualized Hoofington in my head – the town square. “So…” There was silence. “You’re Artie’s long-lost daughter.”

        “Uhmm… yeah,” I said, nodding my head. “Look, I just wanted to figure out who he is and ask him some things. He seems like a nice pony and all, but if I’m going to mess everything up for you two, I can just–”

        “No,” she said, voice firm. “No, we can’t pretend things are the way they were; that won’t accomplish anything. Instead, we need to develop our new framework. Rebalance our accounts.”

        “Okay,” I said, frowning as we reached a statue in the center of town. If I looked close enough, I could see how it was different from Ponyville’s statue, but I had to look really close. “So what needs rebalancing?”

        “If you’re going to spend any time with our family, you’re going to spend time with my fillies. Artie and I have done our best raise them, and I don’t want to…” She trailed off, trying to figure out how to end the sentence.

        “You don’t want me to mess them up,” I said. Fair enough, considering all the stuff that’d been printed about me in the papers. If I had fillies, I wouldn’t want them around me either.

        “Essentially. I was trying to come up with a more… diplomatic phrasing, but Artie’s the one with the golden tongue,” she said. 

        “Alright, well I definitely won’t do any drugs or anything around them. Or encourage it. Or do anything else for that matter. I can be boring vanilla Sweetie when I’m over,” I said looking around at the few ponies who were still out.

        “Define ‘boring vanilla Sweetie’ for me,” she said, pausing to examine me. “And please, spare no detail.”

        “Okay, well, not doing or recommending drugs is a given,” I said, tilting my head and looking up at the stars. “Like, that’s part of normal Sweetie. So is not drinking, well, usually. Sometimes, though…” I shrugged. “Anyways, I won’t encourage drinking around them, and I can probably share a lot of horror stories about why you shouldn’t drink.” I paused and tapped a hoof. “Huh, turns out boring vanilla Sweetie is a lot like normal Sweetie.” I smiled. Progress, right?

        “And the other behavior?” she asked, frowning. What other behavior? Had I missed something important? What other thing had I–

        “Oh! The sex. Obviously, I won’t try to sleep with them, they’re just fillies, they’re my half-sisters, and I’m exclusively dating Scootaloo.” I laughed and looked away from her. “Did you really have to ask about that?”

        “While it’s a relief knowing you won’t try to seduce my daughters, that wasn’t remotely my concern. My bigger worry is that you’ll encourage wilder behavior. I do not want to see a paper proclaiming either of my daughters as the ‘Queen of Kink,’” she said, stepping a bit closer and lowering her voice, possibly for my sake, possibly for hers.

        I looked away again, this time so I could hide my eyeroll. Great, she was one of those ponies who worried about the harmless activities two or more ponies got up to in their free time. “I won’t apologize or say any of that stuff was bad – unfulfilling, maybe – but not bad. But, I won’t talk about that stuff around them. Does that work?”

        She nodded once. “Yes. Enough for a trial basis, at least,” she said, turning back to the house. “I hope you understand my worry.”

        “I get it,” I said, waving a hoof. “Like, the pony I used to be definitely shouldn’t be allowed around fillies, but I’m trying to be better.”

        Silver smiled as we moved away from the big statue and I gave the square one last look. There were still a few ponies walking around or sitting on a bench. A few couples, a lone family, and it looked like a couple of loners. I gave one of the single ponies a nod as we passed. Maybe they had their match in the square tonight. “Well,” Quick Silver said, “you’re certainly not as… debauched as I expected. Or unhinged.”

        “Ooh, she obviously hasn’t seen you around your Scootaloo,” a hallucinatory Bright Lights said, giggling next to me. “That way lies madness.” I pulsed my horn and banished her.

        “What did you just do?” Silver asked, narrowing her eyes. “Your horn lit up and you cast a spell, but I don’t see–”

        “It’s a calming spell,” I half-lied. Could other ponies see that pulse? I always thought it was dream magic and invisible to normal ponies. “Whenever I start getting stressed or anxious, I cast the spell and it helps me calm down.” And from a certain point of view, that was completely true. It just required some broad interpretations.

        “Ah, I see,” Silver said as we continued our walk. “You’ll be fine at our house? You won’t have any outbursts, or... episodes?”

        “Nope,” I said, shaking my head. Sure, my pills were still at our hotel, but… I could skip those for a night and not be too bad in the morning. Some weird shaky spacey feelings, maybe some heart palpitations, and unspeakable dread in my stomach, but still functional. “I’m good, and thanks for… you know, giving me a chance.”

        “If Artie’s taught me anything, it’s that everypony deserves a chance,” she said. “And as long as you promise not to bring any ill upon my family, I’m willing to give you that opportunity.”

        “Thanks,” I said. We were looping back to her house but taking a less-straight route. This one looked like it’d take us to the town’s edge, so… I made sure to stay a bit closer to the streetlights. Just in case. “And I’ll do my best. You know, I can’t say absolutely that I won’t do anything bad, but if I do, it won’t be intentional, and I’ll do my best to make up for it.”

        “That’s the most that can be expected,” she said, taking this way too calmly. Like, if it was me, and I had an unknown step-daughter show up on my doorstep, I’d… Well, she did yell when she found out, but she’d been way too calm when she was talking to me, which I guess was either really good or really bad. “Now, let’s discuss what you’re going to say when you see my daughter again.” ‘Discuss,’ that was a funny way of putting it. Maybe in Hoofington, it meant ‘dictate.’

        “Okay,” I said, following a half step behind her. “So, what do you want me to tell her?”

        “It would be nice if you explained just why you never wrote her back. Yes, I’m sure she’ll be… Equestrian might not have a word to capture how thrilled she’ll be to learn she’s related to you, I’ll have to ask Artie. Anyways, I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to learn you’re her half-sister, but I have a hard time forgetting the nights I had to comfort her by explaining how busy you were. It’s not easy for a young filly to be rejected by her idol. You couldn’t even give her a little form letter? I understand lots of ponies have them, expressing their appreciation and coming with a little autographed headshot, and…” She took a breath. “Like I said, I have a hard time forgetting it.”

        My ears flattened against my head and I sighed. “Yeah, that sounds…” I rubbed the back of my head. “I’m not saying what I did was okay, but I don’t think I ever saw a fan letter. I think maybe my… uhmm… ex-marefriend was keeping fan mail from me.”

        “Fine,” she said, picking up her pace. “So why didn’t you respond to the letters she wrote after your story broke. She wasn’t with you then, was she?”

        “No,” I said, shaking my head. “I never found any letters, and I know I checked my mail at least a few times since…” I waved a hoof. “Everything.”

        “Well,” she said, “I know she got the address right, she always makes me double check: PO Box 263, Manehattan 36”

        My ears perked up. “Wait, I have a post box?” Seriously, was there some place that just had tons of fan letters in them, begging for me to read them?

        “That explains that mystery,” she said as we reached the door to her house. “Well then, tell her the truth, say you’re sorry you never got to read her letters, and then give her a hug.” She paused, hoof hanging an inch from the door. “Any chance you know how to tell two fillies they have a half-sister?” I shrugged, and she put on a over-rehearsed smile. “Then I suppose there’s nothing to it. Care to come in and properly introduce yourself?” Light from the house tumbled out into the dark as the door opened, landing at my hooves. I blinked, eyes struggling to adjust to the light.

        It would be easy to just… not. Last chance. Turn around, go to the bar, get drunk, and live my life. You don’t need more ponies filling up your life. Not just more ponies, if I stuck around, I knew what they’d become... not immediately, but in a few years?

        Family.

        But didn’t they have a little right to know me? Not Dad, but… I had sisters. If I had a long-lost sister, I’d go crazy for a chance to be in her life. Could I just turn around without giving them that chance? Could I turn around and not give myself that chance?

        I took a breath, lifted my head up, and stepped inside, shutting the door on the dark.

> 16. They'll Need a Crane
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        I stared up at the ceiling. Again. Ever since I’d woken up, spending nights staring up at ceilings or out windows had apparently become my favorite thing. “Psst, Sweetie, are you still awake?” At least tonight, I had an excuse for not sleeping.

        “Yeah,” I said, rolling over to look towards my half-sister's bed. I could have had my own room or the couch tonight, but no, I had to be nice and say sleeping in a sleeping bag for the sake of sibling bonding and kind of making up for ignoring all her letters was just fine. What would I have wanted if I was in her shoes, right? “I didn’t fall asleep in the last thirty seconds.”

        “Do you have any more cool stories to tell me about being famous?” Dulcet asked. Didn’t she have school in the morning? Or was she old enough now that she didn’t have to go?

        “No,” I said. None that I could tell her, at least. I had maybe five stories from Manehattan I could remember that didn’t involve sex or drugs in some way, which… Expanding my interests probably wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, especially since drugs were out.

        “Ooh, maybe you can explore your new interests with Scootaloo,” Bright Lights said before I banished her.

        “Well, is there anything you want to talk to me about? I’m a really good listener, and can you believe we’re sisters? It’s like I won the world’s best lottery,” she said. I tried to make myself comfortable in my sleeping bag. Years of sleeping in super-silk sheets on luxury mattresses kind of made everything else feel odd. So, two reasons I wasn’t sleeping. I tilted my head. Make that three.

        “Not unless you want to hear me talk about marefriend issues,” I said. It would be miracle if I got more than thirty seconds of what passed as sleep for me. Luna was probably getting worried. 

        “I’d love to listen to your relationship problems,” she said before dropping her voice. “I mean, yes, I’d be happy to listen if that’s okay with you.”

        I exhaled my breath, feeling my stomach crumple into itself as it deflated. I really didn’t expect her to say yes. Maybe I could just take it back? Or maybe it would be good to get it out? “Okay, so I have a marefriend, and we love each other, but we don’t love each other the same way.”

        “What do you mean?” Dulcet asked. Not even a sentence in, and I was already hitting trouble. This was just going to be the best.

        “Well, you love your friends differently than you love your parents, and you love your parents differently than you’d love a special somepony, right?” I said. 

        “Sure, but it’s not like she loves you like a friend is it? Or do you love her like a friend? Please don’t say you love each other like a parent,” she said from her bed.

        I gagged-laughed at that. “No, definitely not,” I said. “But… couples can love each other in different ways too, and I guess they express their love differently, too. Got it?”

        “Kind of,” she said. Going better than expected, then. Plus, I hadn’t said anything really mind-scarring.

        “Okay, so she loves me one way, and I love her another way, and I need her to love me my way, so I’m doing what she wants to maybe make her love me my way, and I kind of like doing what she wants, but at the same time, I want more than that. Like, I just want to feel loved, is that so bad?” I asked.

        “Maybe? I don’t really understand,” she said, “but why don’t you feel loved? You said you know she loves you,” I blinked as I followed her statement. Maybe I’d said love too much in that last sentence.

        “I know she loves me. Like, I know she’d do anything for me, but I don’t feel loved. That sounds so stupid, doesn’t it?” I said. And here I was, telling a pony I’d just met a few hours ago all the things that were bothering me. How was that for openness, Dr. Hooves? 

        There was a pause from her as she tried to answer my question. “Maybe not? I don’t really have all your relationship experience, but…”

        “Okay, so, I know she loves me, but I guess I don’t feel like she wants to be with me like I want to be with her.” It would be a lot easier if I could just say she doesn’t want to have sex with me instead of trying to create a bunch of different definitions for love. “But it’s okay, because she kind of does want to want to be with me, it’s just hard for her to get in the same frame of mind as me, and I’m trying my best to convince her, and she really likes how I’m convincing her, but it’s not actually convincing her. I think it might be making things worse.”

        “How could you be making things worse?” she asked. How to explain that without talking about sex? Could I talk to her about sex? Like, she’d read the articles about me and heard about the birds and the bees, but…

        “It’s…” I sat up and tried to think. “How…” The perfect metaphor popped into my head. “After the penthouse, I had this vision of a relationship, and it was basically… I was in a bad place when I had it, and it felt like I was drinking the purest, most refreshing water out there. Like, it invigorated me. Made me feel almost good for the first time in way too long. That’s what I want, okay?”

        “Okay,” she said. Good enough for me to keep going.

        “But what she wants is kind of like alcohol. It makes you feel really good for a bit, and it’s fun every now and then, but that can’t be what you drink all the time. If you do, you’ll get sick and die, but it’s all she wants from me, so I keep doing it, because it’s what she wants, and when I try to get a little sip of water for myself, she freaks out.”

        Also, you’re addicted to it.

        Yeah, that didn’t help things. “So, why can’t you just tell her?” Dulcet asked.

        “Because if I tell her, she’ll think she’s hurting me or something stupid, then she’ll break up with me, and I just… I can’t have that happen. I owe it to her,” I said. 

        “So what are you going to do?” That was the big question, right? How was I going to fix this? How could I spin this so she’d forgive me? Bring up Bright Lights? Start crying so she’d pity me?

        You know how that works out.

        “Are you sure you can’t tell the truth? Dad always says that a hard truth’s better than an easy lie,” Dulcet said. I sighed and shook my head, tossing around again in my sleeping bag. As nice as getting to know new family was, sleeping in a real bed was also kind of fun. Of course, I could’ve slept in a bed tonight, but…

        “Maybe,” I said. “It’s hard, though. Like, I want her to be happy, and I’m afraid if I tell the truth, it’ll hurt us both, and why should you be honest if it’s just going to hurt ponies?”

        There was a little pause. “Because lying hurts them more?” she said. “Because maybe the truth will hurt for a little bit, but a lie just… Dad says lies just warp your view of the world, and when the lie’s found out, it just makes it hurt twice. Once for what you lied about, and once for the betrayal.” Yeah, and he knew about lies right? Still...

        A longer pause. “But what if they never have to find out you lied to them? What if you can just get them to see what you want them to see and make them happy all the time?” Then you’re just like Bright Lights. Could the stupid voice in my head stop comparing me to her?

        Only when you stop making the comparisons so easy.

        “Look, maybe truth will work later, but right now… I don’t know, it won’t help me save us, and that’s my number one goal,” I said. Maybe once we weren’t fighting all the time, I could start doing truth in small doses. Or one big dose. Once things were perfect, maybe she’d appreciate everything I did for her?

        “Okay…” Dulcet said. Did that break my promise? I said I wouldn’t do anything to mess her up, but here I was, talking about how awesome lying was. “But… can I ask a stupid question?”

        “Sure,” I said.

        “You want her to love you, but…” There was a little pause. “I don’t know, it seems weird, like she can’t really do that if you’re lying to her. If she can’t see you who you really are, how can she really love you?”

        I didn’t have an answer to give her.


♪♪♪


        Getting ready the next morning was easy without my makeup, special shampoo, or any of the other things I used to make myself look presentable. I didn’t look awful, but I didn’t feel like me without all that stuff. At least not having it let me stay in bed and pretend to sleep for a few more minutes.

        “Are you sure you have to leave so early?” Artie asked as I did one last inspection of myself in the hall mirror. “I don’t have to be at work for a few more hours, and–”

        “I’d like to stay, but I have to deal with Scootaloo, and if I’m going to get ahead of last night, I have to hurry,” I said, running the borrowed comb through my mane one last time, and giving one of the balls at the end of my mane a little bounce. Not as good as I liked, but decent. “I’ll try to be back later today, though.”

        “I’m looking forward to it,” he said. 

        Dulcet piped up next to him. “I’m going to spend all day thinking up more questions for you, and you have to tell me how things go with your marefriend.”

        “I can’t wait,” I half-lied. Okay, trying to be honest was one thing, but telling my half-sister that another round of questions was probably the least fun thing I could imagine still sounded mean. What was I supposed to do?

        “Great!” she said, jumping into the air for a second, like a younger version of me. Or like a version of me that didn’t feel so drained. “Oh my gosh, I can’t wait to tell everypony I know that you’re my sister. Wait, but I bet they won’t believe me unless you’re there with me. Do you think you could come back early so we can talk to my friends?”

        “I don’t think that’s the best idea,” I said. “Mom’s still not ready to tell everypony the… uhmm… truth about me, and I don’t think your friends will keep my secret.” I didn’t think she’d keep my secret, but without any evidence, they’d hopefully just chalk it up to a hyperactive imagination. Unless her younger sister backed her up. 

        Dulcet looked down, disappointment written on her face. She’d live. “Look, I’ll try to get Mom to make the announcement soon, and after that, you can tell everypony you want,” I said. Of course, how soon my soon was was probably a lot longer than Dulcet’s soon.

        “Alright,” she said, like the word had been dragged through a bunch of those thorny scratchy plants. “I guess I can wait a little bit. Have to figure out how I’m going to tell everypony. Ooh, maybe we could do a party? You know, when you come back to Hoofington.”

        “We can talk about it later,” I said, turning to the door. I waved a hoof and looked over my shoulder as I trotted out. “I’ll see you two when I get back.”

        “Good luck, Sweetie,” Dulcet said way too loudly, causing me to do a quick check to see if anypony was around. Thankfully, they weren’t. The really early birds were at work already, but Scootaloo was probably just getting up now. If she was me, I’d get there before she finished her bath, but – I picked up my pace – Scootaloo didn’t take her time with a lot of things.

        Thankfully, the walk was quick, and I managed to get there just as the door to our cabin opened. “Oh, it’s you,” Scootaloo said, trotting past me.

        “So, I’m guessing you’re still mad,” I said, catching up with her. “That’s totally fair, but you have to understand that–”

        “You didn’t trust me,” Scootaloo said. “After everything I’ve done for you, you still didn’t trust me enough to tell me why you really wanted to go to Hoofington. Instead, you made me think… I thought you wanted me to come here because you supported me.”

        “I do,” I said before taking a few deep breaths. Was I really having a hard time keeping up with a brief trot? “Obviously, I support you. I want to do everything I can for you.” Like ignore all my desires to give you what you want. “I just had an extra reason for wanting to go.”

        Scootaloo stopped. “Sweetie, I want to believe you, but you lied to me. Maybe you’re telling the truth now, but I can’t be sure. It’s like, if you lied to me about this, what else are you lying about?”

        That was a question for another day. “I’m telling you the truth now,” I said. “And can you honestly say there aren’t a few little things you’re keeping from me? A few secret orders from Mom or some secrets about Rusty?”

        “No!” she said, raising her voice and earning a look from a pony walking by us. “Sweetie, I haven’t told a lie to you ever, and ever since I pulled you out of the penthouse, I’ve been doing my best to tell you every little thing that happens to me, because I know how important trust is in a relationship. You know everything your Mom’s told me – and why do you care so much about me and Rusty?”

        Fine, that wasn’t working, time to change tactics. And seriously, why did she think I was so hung up on her and Rusty? “Well, can you blame me for having some trust issues? You know who the last pony I trusted was.” Technically, the last pony I trusted was Mom, but that didn’t help with my point.

        “I do, but in case you haven’t noticed, Sweetie, I’m not her. She left you in the penthouse, and I pulled you out from it, but for some reason, you seem intent on going back there.” The penthouse. She’d mentioned it twice, and that’s what it all came down to, wasn’t it? Because she pulled me out of there, because she saved my life, I’d have that hanging over my head forever – and why did I resent her for saving my life?

        “Yeah, well done, you saved me.” I balanced on my back legs for a second to clap my hooves. “I get it, I owe you everything I have, but you don’t have to keep holding it over my head. You don’t have to keep reminding me how awful I was.”

        “I'm not holding anything over your head,” she said, digging her hooves into the ground and spreading her wings. "How many times do I have to say I just want you to be better?  Me caring about you isn't some debt I want repaid, but if all your 'gratitude' has just been lip service, if you're going to keep running back to that penthouse, then... ” There was a pause, and then Scootaloo said something stupid. Stupider than her usual stupid stuff, even. “I love you, but if you’re just going to keep thinking about yourself, then you know what? I’m done.”

        My left eye and ear twitched in perfect harmony, and if Scootaloo had any sense, she would have gotten on her scooter and driven off as fast as she could. “Oh? I’m selfish? I’m selfish? After everything I’ve done for you? Ever since I woke up, I’ve been doing my best to be the pony you want me to be, to be the pony you can love, but have I gotten any gratitude? Have you even once said ‘Hey, thanks, Sweetie’? No, you haven’t. It’s just been you, you, you, you, and I’ve been Miss Supportive Marefriend all the way, because I owed it to you, because – as you keep reminding me – you saved my life, and you say you aren't trying to hold it over my head, but if you're not, then why do you keep reminding me of it?” I stomped my hooves in the ground and took a step forward.

        “But you’re the one who’s done, because I lied, because I manipulated you. Well, guess what, Scootaloo. If it wasn’t for me lying and manipulating and doing everything I can think of to keep you happy, we wouldn’t be working at all. Every happy moment we’ve had, every little bit of pleasure you’ve gotten out of us, that’s me, that’s me working my butt off and not asking for anything in return.” 

        Scootaloo opened her mouth but I cut her off before she could say another stupid word. “Let me finish. You want honesty? Well, you’re getting it. Since we started dating, I’ve been doing what you wanted and asking for nothing in return. You couldn’t get enough of our little games, but did you stop to think what it felt like for me? To humiliate and degrade you because that was the only way I could make you happy?” I laughed. “No, of course you didn’t, because I didn’t bring it up, I just did my best to love you like you wanted to be loved. Who cared that you had me turning to freaking Bright Lights for inspiration? Taking up every move I could from her playbook? Yes, I liked it, but liking it made me feel awful, and the more I liked it, the worse it made me feel, because… because being what you wanted me to be – being what I needed to be for this relationship to work – made me just like her.”

        She stared at me dumbly, apparently not able to handle 100% honesty, because she didn’t know what 100% honesty was. “And I tried to make peace with that fact, because acting like her was the only way I could make you happy. The only way I could give you what you wanted. And maybe I could live with it, if that was just how you worked, but it’s not. It’s how you work with me. With Rusty, you’re completely fine, it’s just with me that you want to feel all shamed and degraded, which guess how terrible that made me feel?”

        I paused for a second. She didn’t have an answer for me. Who would’ve guessed? “Awful.” Something wet stung my eyes. “I want to love you. I want you to love me, but every time I try to touch you like a normal pony, I feel you tense up, like you’re fighting the urge to recoil.” I sniffled as the anger faded. “I could live without the sex, I think. Like, if you never got to the point where you could reciprocate, that… I don’t know, I could deal with it, but is it too much for me to want to feel desired? To be able to just hug you? To love you without you wanting to recoil?” 

        The anger in her own eyes softened, she was going to apologize and ask my forgiveness, and then we’d probably get stuck in the same stupid cycle we’d been stuck in, and… suddenly, the idea of spending some Scootaloo-free time in the castle didn’t sound awful. Of course, if I walked off now, she’d follow. I had to break her. “But you’re right, I manipulated and lied to you. Whenever you did something I didn’t want you to do, I played to your weaknesses, made you feel that shame and helplessness so you’d drop it, and I enjoyed it. It gave me a rush like no other drug had. You want to know what the worst thing I did to you was, though?”

        I stepped forward, muzzle just an inch from hers as I did my best to look angry. Good thing lying and manipulation came easy to me. “I wasn’t having a freak out when I ran in front of your scooter. I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew you were about to figure out all the ways I’d been trying to control you, so I stopped you. I ran in front of your scooter and made you hate yourself. It was cold and calculating, and another awful thing done in the name of making 'us' work, but… it’s like you said: I’m done. I can’t do it anymore. I’m not going to spend another evening miserable to try and coax some tiny scrap of love from you that doesn't exist.” I turned my back on her and trotted to the train station, ignoring the way she seemed to be crumbling into herself. She’d bounce back. She’d hate me, but she’d bounce back. “I’m going back to Ponyville. Good luck with your race, Scootaloo.”


♪♪♪


        Scootaloo didn’t try to follow me, and Bright Lights and the usual suspects were quiet as I left Hoofington and bought my ticket to Ponyville. Broken and defeated, Sweetie made her grand homecoming, slipping into safe harbor like a battered ship seeking refuge from the storm. I stared up at the ceiling as the train wheels clacked below me, my eyes growing heavy. Had I even gotten an hour of sleep last night? Definitely not enough, and – I dabbed a few tears out of my eyes – after my big breakdown, I wasn’t just physically exhausted. Not every day you air all your dirty laundry with your marefriend in public and leave her behind.

        Ooh, just like Bright Lights.

        Yeah, just like Bright Lights. Maybe we did deserve each other. My eyes shut and I felt myself drift off, my mind drawing into the Dreaming. What did it feel like for normal ponies to go to sleep? I’d forgotten. At least I’d have the place to myself at this time of–

        “Ah, good, you’re here,” Luna said, as my eyes snapped open. I stood firmly in the Hub, and Luna was dressed up in some silver armor with a sword floating next to her. “You’re arrival is quite fortuitous, and… are you crying?”

        I nodded. “Scootaloo and I… I think we’re done.”

        Luna frowned as she put a helmet on her head. “Most unfortunate, Sweetie, and on any other day, I’d listen to all your woes, but I must make ready for battle. A large host of Night Terrors approaches, and I need to make haste if I wish to engage them by nightfall.”

        “Can I help?” I asked, wiping the tears from my eyes. “I’d kind of appreciate a diversion right about now.”

        “I will need your help overseeing the Dreaming tonight while I make battle, but at the moment, there’s very little you can do.” She paused and looked at me. “How are you feeling, though? Do you feel like you might…”

        “No,” I said, shaking my head and staring at the ground. “I feel awful, but at the same time, kind of relieved? Does that make any sense? Like, I’ve been crying because I love her and she’s gone and it’s all… almost all my fault, but I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to twist myself around and keep sacrificing what I want for her or… I don’t have to act like her anymore.” I sighed and slumped to sit on the ground. “It’s confusing.”

        “Most breakups are,” Luna said, nodding her head. “But you did what you felt necessary and can now grow as a mare. You learned there are lines you won’t cross to make your beloved happy, and I think that a vital lesson.”

        “Yeah,” I said, looking up at her. “So… Night Terrors?”

        “Oh, yes,” she said, lighting up her horn and conjuring a landscape. “Have I told you of them before?”

        “A little, I think,” I said. Maybe when we were fighting? Right, that’s why we did that combat training, and she had to fight them the night I started looking for my dad. “Yeah, you said they were weird dreaming monsters.”

        “Born of equine fears in the heart of the Nightmare Lands,” she said, moving the landscape to show a bleak wasteland. “Every nightmare a pony has creates a snarl in the fabric of the Dreaming, and that snarl eventually ends up there. It’s why I do my best to keep the Dreaming tranquil.”

        “So, then, the snarls…” I looked at the landscape, and could see a distortion in the air growing.

        “Quickly solidify and develop into Night Terrors. Most of the time, the horrors are content to aimlessly roam the Nightmare Lands, but they are like locusts,” she said as a few shambling pony-shaped monsters formed on the map and started wandering around. “When a Night Terror encounters another Night Terror, the two form a group. As they wander, more Night Terrors join their group, and sooner or later, they leave the Nightmare Lands to feast on the dreams of my wards.”

        “Why do they do that?” I asked. “If they’re fine just wandering around the Nightmare Lands, why do they want to bother us?”

        “I know not,” Luna said, shaking her head and shifting the map to follow the Night Terrors as they walked, their party growing as they moved. “Sometimes, I think it pure luck, a group or twenty or so happen to leave the Nightmare Lands and come here. Other times, it seems a malign intelligence controls their actions, gathering them up in a host with the sole goal of devouring the dreams of ponies. Today, it’s the latter.”

        “Are you sure you don’t need my help?” I asked. “Because if there’s a whole army of these things…”

        “I’ll be fine,” Luna said, shaking her head. “I’ve made war with these horrors countless times, and today is no different. I’ll get ahead of them, rearrange the landscape to my favor, and when they arrive, I will destroy them. Still…” She paused. “I suppose I could teach you the spell to destroy them to further your training. Just learn quickly. Now, unlike most of the other spells I’ve taught you, this one requires you to use your own magic and not that of the Dreaming. It’s difficult to bring it in here, so listen closely…”


♪♪♪


        A few hours later, I stepped off the train knowing a spell Twilight didn’t. Not that I could show her. It was only really good for ripping apart the snarl in a Night Terror’s heart, but it was still something she didn’t know. I looked at the sun hanging low in the sky. If I was going to do Dream Warden duty, I needed to get to the castle soon. Luckily, it was still super easy to find, no matter how much Ponyville had changed – and it had changed. I hurried past buildings that looked closer to Manehattan than Hoofington; big blocks full of businesses, apartments, and everything else you could need. Old Town was still around, but all around it, the city had transformed, growing around the poles of Twilight’s Castle and Princess Luna’s Academy. It wasn’t the village I grew up in anymore.

        Two guards flanked the entrance to the castle and crossed their spears as I approached. “Sorry, miss,” the guard on the left said. “Court’s closed for today, if you wish to–” He paused, eyes going wide, then dropped to his knees. “Lady Belle, I apologize for not recognizing you immediately. Please, go in, and… if you wouldn’t mention my failure to your sister, I’d greatly appreciate it.”

        “Uhmm… sure,” I said as the doors opened. I wasn’t used to ponies bowing to me.  Not to say I couldn’t get used to it, but – I saw an orange mare prostrating herself before me, and shook my head as I trotted past. Nope, definitely didn’t want to get used to it.

        “Wait,” I said, stopping before they could close the door on me. “Do you know where M– my sister is?”

        “Princess Rarity and Princess Twilight usually head to their library after court closes. I’m sure one of the staff will be happy to escort you,” an identical guard at the stairs said. Did all guards look the same? Was that a requirement, or was there some enchantment on them? Maybe it was an identity thing, so you wouldn’t know what a guard looked like when they were off duty?  But Twilight’s brother didn’t have that, but he was also Captain of the Guard, so…

        “Excuse me,” I said as a maid trotted past. “Hi, I’m Sweetie Belle, you know, Rarity’s sister. Is there any chance you could help me find her?”

        “Right away,” the maid said, curtsying. Yep, definitely didn’t want ponies grovelling before me today.

        Either the maid wasn’t talkative, or she could see from my expression that I really didn’t feel like saying anything, so she just led me to the library, opening the door as Mom looked up from a desk, quill just inches from the paper. “Sweetie,” Mom said, getting to her hooves and trotting around the desk, passing a few familiar books. Must’ve been from her own personal library. “How fortuitous that you’re here, I was just about to write you, and…” She paused, reading my face and immediately sending the maid away. “What’s wrong? Where’s Scootaloo?”

        “We kind of had a fight,” I said, trotting over to the couch and slumping onto it. “So I’m here, and she’s in Hoofington.”

        “Oh, dear,” she said, trotting to sit next to me on the couch. “Can you tell me what happened, Sweetie?”

        She looked down at me as I rested my head on her knees, like we did when she was comforting me from a bad day from school, and she just looked at me, not demanding I say anything, but giving me the opportunity to say what was on my mind. “We… I was trying so hard to be what she wanted me to be, and… I kind of enjoyed it too, but whenever I… I’d touch her, and she had to try not to recoil. I did everything I could to get her to love me, but it just… I wasn’t good enough.”

        She wrapped me in a hug without a second thought and held me close to her. “Shh, shh, Sweetie, of course you’re good enough. It’s Scootaloo’s loss for not seeing that.”

        “No, it’s not,” I said, fighting tears back as Mom’s scent wrapped around me. “She was right, I was lying to her and manipulating her, but I was just trying to get her to love me. You know, love me like I loved her, not like… Yes, I manipulated her, but it made her happy, and it was the only way I could get her to love me, so how is that wrong?”

        Mom just sighed and loosened her grip on me. “Sweetie, love can’t be coerced or compelled. You can’t trick somepony into loving you.”

        “Yes, you can,” I said, earning me a look from Mom. “What? Bright Lights manipulated me into loving her, and I manipulated Scootaloo.” 

        “But that’s not love, Sweetie,” Mom said, shaking her head. “It’s…” She trailed off, train of thought changing tracks. “I love Twilight because I see her, the good and the bad, and… I won’t say I choose to love her, that makes the whole thing sound entirely too rational, but I see the beautiful soul dancing inside her and I love her for it. It’s my… I put the word ‘decision’ in quote marks, but it’s my ‘decision’ to love her. She doesn’t force it or compel it, and if she ever tried, she wouldn’t be getting my love, she’d be getting something sick and corrupted: a gross mockery of the sublime. You can’t love someone unless you can also not love them, I think. Does that make sense?”

        “Maybe,” I said, looking up past her to the huge vaulted ceiling.

        “Alright, how would you feel if you were forced to love Scootaloo, if you didn’t have a choice in the whole matter?” Mom asked. I just laughed.

        “That’s kind of where I’ve been the last few weeks. Like, she saved my life, so I owe her everything, and I do love her, so I just…” I shook my head. “Not good.”

        “But it’s not just that,” Mom said, stroking my mane. “When you manipulate a pony, you take away their ability to perceive. To even sense the world around them properly. At the best, you blind them. At the worst, you turn them into a thrall.” Huh, did that come from her time with Artie? Did she get it from him or did he get it from her?

        “Isn’t that a bit overdramatic?” I asked.

        “It’s what I turned you into,” Bright Lights said, suddenly appearing next to me. I poofed her away.

        “Fair enough,” I said, earning a look from my Mom. “Nevermind, you’re right. That’s… I just wanted her to love me, though. Is that so bad?”

        “There’s nothing wrong with wanting love, Sweetie. We all crave it. But I can promise you, the affection gained from trickery and manipulation won’t sustain a soul like true love can. Again, I make love sound far too rational, but it’s a hard concept for me to convey.” Not that hard. It was the difference between my dream in the hospital and the nightmare of the last few weeks.

        “It’s fine,” I said, shrugging. “I think I get it, I just… I need some time to think.”

        A hoof stroked my mane. “You’ll have as long as you need, Sweetie. Just promise to tell me if you need anything”

        “Yeah, I promise,” I said, sitting up. “So, you were about to write me about something?”

        “Oh, yes,” Mom said, looking back at the desk, her eyes narrowing. “We were having the rugs in the library cleaned today, and while Spike was doing some sorting, he tripped on this gouge in the crystal, and he fell into those old journals of yours.” My stomach dropped. “The time-locked journals. And wouldn’t you know it, the lock’s expiring today. The first one’s unlocking in just a minute, actually.” A little pause. “A truly unbelievable coincidence.”

        Her tone made it clear just how unbelievable the coincidence was, and I clenched my jaw before sitting up and floating the seven journals from her desk and rotating them around my head. Six were due to unlock in a few hours, but the seventh – the blank journal. My journal – was set to unlock in…

        “Fifteen seconds,” I said. It was going to open in fifteen seconds. Smartie'd timed it all it down to the minute. Four years of decisions all leading me to right now and whatever was in that journal.  I sat down and stared as ten seconds that felt like four years ticked down.

        Ten…

        A kiss with Diamond Tiara

        Nine…

        Accepting my selfish side

        Eight…

        My first drink.

        Seven…

        That stupid party where everything went wrong.

        Six…

        Bright Lights and easy offers of happiness.

        Five…

        Joy held in a hoof.

        Four…

        Empty years of hedonism and dependence.

        Three…

        Scootaloo saving me at just the right moment, leading–

        Two…

        The whole of the relationship that followed, the good and the bad, which ended with–

        One…

        Spectacular fight  where I walked away and headed back to my Mom, who’d just found–

        The journal unlocked and played a cheap little fanfare, because of course she’d enchant it to give it a little fanfare. I ripped the journal open to see just what was so important that she’d spent the last four years puppeting me around to get me to this moment and…

        I laughed. There wasn’t a single word in it. She’d hollowed the whole thing out and put a gem inside. “That’s it? Everything?” I asked, whirling around to look at my mom. “Everything! She did all this just so she could give me a stupid emerald?” I reached out to grab it with my magic and show just what I thought of Smartie's emerald as a terror ignited in Mom’s eyes.

        “Sweetie, don’t–”

        I was gone before she could finish.

> 17. Stone Cold Coup d'Etat
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        The world swirled around me as everything solidified into a shape I never wanted to see again. First a skyline and a cracked window, then a red-flecked carpet, then a coffee table filled with pill bottles, and finally, standing across from me and grinning, a younger version of me.

        “Oh my gosh, it worked,” she said, laughing and dancing around in a little circle. She looked just like a younger me, the only real difference was her cutie mark was a pink heart with a purple brain on it. “All the variables, all the planning, all the contingency plans, and it all led you back to me. Tell me, Trottingham or Hoofington?”

        “Uhmm… Hoofington?” I said, frowning. This wasn’t exactly what I’d imagined, but then, what had I imagined?

        “Thank you, so you and Scootaloo, then. I just… I can’t believe it worked, I did my best to stack the deck in my favor, but there was always that chance and there was so much waiting.” She rolled her head around at that. “Just sitting around, counting down the hours until the book unlocked and you came back to me.”

        She smiled and conjured up a painting of me. Uhmm… modern me, not old me. “But look at you, so perfect and here. Passed through the crucible and forged anew, ready to see your glorious purpose... but first, I know you have questions.” She bowed. “So ask away, my creation.”

        “Are you… completely crazy?” I asked. Didn’t Apple Bloom say that most ponies who saw the future went kind of nuts?

        A barking laugh burst from her throat. “To lesser minds, perhaps. Minds who haven’t seen all the branching paths the future takes.” Her eyes glinted. “Minds who haven’t seen every betrayal and horror life possibly has in store for us.”

        “And…” I took a step away from her and tumbled down into a chair that hadn’t been there a second earlier. “What was that, exactly?”

        “They all betray us, in the end, Sweetie,” Smartie said. “I’ve seen it. All our loved ones, all our friends, they end up hurting us, they end up letting us down, they end up leaving us.” She blinked and looked away before flashing me a grin. “So I decided to change our future. To make sure nopony can ever hurt us again.”

        “Well, I’ve got some news for you,” I said, pushing myself out of the chair as Smartie started to pace. “The last three years, they haven’t exactly been pain-free.”

        “Of course not,” she said, shaking her head. “Passing through a crucible shouldn’t be painless. Being broken and forged anew hurts, but it’ll be worth it in the end. Once everypony adores you, the cost will seem trivial. You just had to suffer to gain the fortitude and strength needed to do the necessary things.” She smiled again. “But here you are, almost finished. Ready to–”

        “Enough of the weird destiny talk, can you please just tell me what’s going on?” I asked. “Why you had to do… everything to me. And don’t say it was to prepare me for something.”

        “But it was,” Smartie said, tilting her head at me. “Everything that’s happened since you’ve taken that potion has been preparing you for this moment. Preparing the world, preparing your mind, and giving you the power needed to exact change.”

        Powers? I thought for a minute before realization struck me down. The Dreaming. What did the doctors say the odds were? A million to one? But what did odds matter when you could see the future?

        “Your overdose was one of the… trickier things to engineer. Making sure Mom found the journal today? That was a cinch. Make sure to carve a gouge in the castle at the right point and give Mom and Twilight the nudge they needed to end up together. But the overdose? First I had to make the drug, mail the recipe to the right pony, make sure you fell into Bright Lights’ grip, and then make sure you lashed out at her at just the right moment.” She laughed. “The breaking was inevitable, but the timing? Now that’s a trick.”

        “Wait… Lashed out?” I asked, an article suddenly springing to mind as a memory burst out of my head and projected itself on the apartment.

        “Sweetie, what is this?” Bright Lights said, storming into the living room and waving something under my face. “You auditioned for Book Smart? After I explicitly told you not to? That was going to be my debut role.”

        “Yeah, well, they didn’t ask you to audition, did they?” the third me in the room said, rising to her hooves. “They didn’t want you, they wanted me. I’m the star, you’re just my assistant.”

        Bright Lights glared at me, but the other me didn’t back down. “Everything you are is because of me. Because of my generosity, so when I tell you to do something, you do it.”

        “Maybe I shouldn’t,” I said, laughing. What drugs did she have me on then? “Maybe you can’t give–”

        “Sweetie,” she hissed. “You were nothing but a neurotic filly when I found you. I made you a star, and without me, you’ll go back to being that stupid lonely–”

        My hoof flew out and she froze in shock as a smack echoed through the room. Why? Why had I done that? I looked into the other me’s eyes searching for some emotion. Something recognizable. I found nothing. “I see,” Bright Lights finally said, rubbing her cheek. “I suppose it was too much to expect gratitude. That’s what I get for loving somepony so selfish.” There was a pause as she turned to the door. “Well, we’ll see exactly what you are without me.”

        “How could you have planned all that?” I asked, staring straight into nothing. Was that real? Had I really– Did I cross the line first?

        “Haven’t you heard of the butterfly effect, Sweetie?” she asked before rolling her eyes. “Wait, nevermind, I know you haven’t. Anyways, it’s simple. A butterfly flaps its wings in Las Pegasus and a hurricane hits Mareami. To get my hurricanes, I just had to flap the right wings and give them time.”

        “But–” She cut me off.

        “Look, I don’t want to explain the complex web of causality and how moments careened off of each other leading us to here. It’d take an eternity, and you wouldn’t understand it anyways. We have more important things to discuss.”

        “You manipulated me,” I said, earning another eyeroll.

        “Yes, I know.” She said. “I manipulated the world, played ponies like fiddles to get us here together now.” She smirked and snarled at the same time. “Or cellos, that seems more fitting considering we’re only here because of one stupid cellist and her meeting with Princess Luna.”

She shook her head. “I could see it, Sweetie. A bright happy future for the Crusaders. We’d stay friends, we’d get our cutie marks togethers, and everything would be beautiful, but that didn’t happen. It couldn’t happen, because of her,” she screamed. “She took our best future away from us. Left me to work with the chaff.” A few strands of her mane popped loose. “But she’ll get her due. Obstacles in our way will be brushed aside, and she’s standing firmly in the route to our ascension.”

Okay, so, crazy and evil. Definitely not a great combination, but– “Sorry, back on track,” she said. “It’s so hard to regulate your thoughts after spending a few years alone. Yes, I manipulated you. I made you hurt in ways nopony should hurt, but you’ll see. You’ll be happier in the end because of me. We’ll reforge that perfect future that she stole from us.”

“So…” Why was I playing into her game? Maybe kindness? If I’d been stuck with myself for the last four years, I’d probably want to monologue too. “You wanted me to get Dreaming powers, why?”

“Oh? I thought that would’ve been obvious, but I suppose we can’t all be super-intelligent and omniscient.” And completely amoral. “Remember the first night you had your powers? How you got that song stuck in Scootaloo’s head the next morning? It’s the same concept, but upscale it, and instead of getting songs stuck in a pony’s head, you’re putting in ideas. It will take some time, but I think in a few months, you can have Scootaloo completely devoted to you. Unable to even dream of saying no to you. Or hurting you. Or leaving you.” A smile struggled to consume her face. “Won’t it be nice? Not having to worry about anypony hurting you ever again?”

        That was… I just stared at her. “But Luna–”

        “I know, I know, Luna won’t let you mess around with ponies’ minds. She’ll stop you. But guess what? Luna’s not going to be a problem for much longer. She’s running off to fight the Night Terrors, and she’s going to lose. Funny, she could’ve saved herself if she stopped your nightmares, but she had her little code. Well now, she’s going to spend the next few centuries without a connection to the Dreaming, leaving you its sole warden.”

        “You can’t,” I shouted, jumping up to my hooves. “Luna’s my friend, I…  wouldn’t even be able to control my powers if it wasn’t for her.”

        Smartie rolled her eyes. “Well, you can keep being her friend,” she said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “She might get suspicious once everypony starts idolizing you, but we have plans for that, too. I have future plans written down in all the notebooks for you to peruse at your leisure. Once you leave here, Sweetie, there won’t be a pony alive who can stop you from getting what you want.” She beamed. “It’s all so perfect, I could just scream.”

Scream. That’s what I wanted to do. “You’re a monster,” I said to the phantom who’d spent the last four years controlling my life. She hurt me, she hurt my mom, she hurt everypony I cared about. She twisted the world around to get exactly what she wanted and justified it as being for some greater good.

Oh.

“...And so am I.”

She laughed. “Only if you call yourself one. Believe me, I saw the futures, I know how little stock to put in morality. You could leave here and hurt a dozen ponies in ways that would make your mind break, and because of your actions, we’d be living in a utopia before you had your first grandchild.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not,” I said, matching her stare. “So you can just let me out and forget about whatever you had planned.”

“Oh, is that all?” she asked, smiling not-so-sweetly. “I’ll be happy to let you free.” A little laugh from her. “I have no intentions of letting your body waste away soulless.”

        “Really?” I asked, tilting my head.

        “Of course, just as soon as I’m sure Luna’s lost. An inability to resist temptation is one of your defining traits, and without Luna to police you, I’m sure you’ll intervene in others’ dreams in the name of ‘the greater good’ and helping ponies you care about.” A dreamy look crossed her eyes. “Oh, the opportunities that will open to you. If Luna had half a brain, she could have dethroned Celestia in a month with an army of devoted slaves.She could have made Celestia grovel on her hooves before her.” She shrugged. “But she didn’t, and it’s her loss. Now it’s our turn to use the Dreaming.”

        I turned away from her and lashed out at the apartment walls with my magic, trying to find some little crack I could use to escape, to get out of here and save Luna. Smartie popped in front of me. “That’s cute. Sweetie, this place’s tied to me, nopony gets out without my approval. Nothing happens here I don’t want. Now, you’re going to sit down and we’re just going to watch the hours tick down.” She poofed a grandfather clock next to her. “By my count, we have about five more hours. Maybe a little more, so let’s round it up to seven to get rid of any nasty outlier possibilities. After that, I’ll be happy to open the portal for you.” I ignored her and kept probing with my magic, looking for some give, any little… I sighed. I didn’t even know what I was looking for. Luna hadn’t exactly taught me how to escape from mind prisons.

        “You won’t win,” I said trying to think of some out. Some way I could beat her. The more she was monologuing, the less she was focused on me.

        “I’ve seen the future” she said, staring up at me. “I know all the things that can happen when you leave here and I chose this moment for a reason. Your loss is just a formality.” She kept talking, but I ignored her, thinking of what I could say to convince her.

        “If you don’t let me leave now, then the minute I get out of here, I’ll–”

        “Kill yourself?” she asked, tilting her head at me. “No, you won’t. You love your mother too much to put her through that pain, and with Luna gone, you’ll be too overcome with guilt to abandon the Dreaming. Besides that, at the end of the day, we both know you’re a coward, too accustomed to creature comforts to do anything drastic. It’s a nice bluff, though.”

        I rubbed my head. Think. Think think think think think. “Is there any way I can get out of here early?” I asked.

        “Theoretically, yes. Practically, no,” she said, smirking. I just stared at her. “The gem is tied with my consciousness, if that were to be disrupted or destroyed, you’d be able to open a connection back to your body. However, the only way you could destroy my consciousness would be by destroying me, and that means you’d have to fight me. Which you’d lose because I know all your moves.” So I had a chance? I dug my hooves into carpet. 

She sighed. “Which means I also know you’re going to try to challenge me because you don’t know what the words ‘practically impossible’ mean, so allow me to nip that in the bud.”

        Something pulled sharp inside me, and I launched through the air, flying out the apartment, out the window, and into the destiny I’d cheated months ago.

        Falling wasn’t as fast as I thought it’d be. In my head, it was always like a crash, fall, splat. Over in a second. This wasn’t that at all; it was like everything had just slowed down. Sure, I was falling, but the ground wasn’t rushing up towards me, it was inching. Who knew falling to your death gave you so much time to think?

        “Not that you can do anything with your thoughts,” Bright Lights said. I sighed and poofed her out of existence for probably the last time. I wanted my last thoughts to be of ponies I loved. I wanted them to be about Scootaloo and Mom, and not some crazy evil version of me or Bright Lights. 

Scootaloo. 

I’d never get to apologize for her for being so stupid and selfish. To tell her I was wrong for being like evil-me. For not being honest with her. Maybe we wouldn’t get back together, but we deserved a better ending than me just storming off and dying.

        And Mom. I’d never get to hug her again or tell her how much I loved her. My body would probably just wither away on the floor, slowly shutting down while–

        My body. I laughed. My body was still out there. There wasn’t anything physical in the gem, just me and my thoughts, and that meant – I closed my eyes as wings erupted from my back – I wasn’t dying here. One flap of my wings slowed my fall. Another flap stopped it. On the third flap, I started to climb up again.

        I could climb back to the penthouse and challenge myself to a magic fight, or I could hit her with the Sweetie Suckerpunch that allowed me to beat Luna. Easy enough choice. I looked up at the penthouse as a ball of fire smashed into it, sending flaming bits of debris raining down past me, while a shield sprang to life to keep me protected. Above me, a mare slowly descended, clapping her hooves as she came down to my level. “Well done, Sweetie,” she said in the most patronizing way possible. “That would have worked if it wasn’t for the whole, you know, omniscient thing. Still, I’ll give you points for creativity. Now, are you going to give up and be a good mare?”

        “A good mare wouldn’t give up,” I said, launching a blast of energy at her. Smartie just laughed and brought a shield up to deflect it, blowing a hole in a nearby building and sending more debris raining down.

        “Of course.” she said. “Really, there was only the slimmest possibility that would work, but if it would save us more silliness, I thought it was worth a try.” She shrugged. “So, are you just going to keep throwing more attacks at me for me to deflect? Because if that’s how you want to spend your next seven hours, that’s fine with me.”

        Ugh, why did omniscient ponies have to have an answer for everything. I closed my eyes. Think. So, you’re fighting an evil insane version of you who also happens to be super intelligent and omniscient. She doesn’t want to kill you, she’s just stalling for time. Because she’s omniscient, she can predict all your moves, so trickery’s out, and that just leaves brute force. I tilted my head. A magic duel? No, she was probably way better at me with magic. Something told me knowing everything made you a pretty good spell caster, bringing me back to pure brute force.

        Or pure will.

        My eyes went wide as I remembered my duels with Luna. So Smartie was smarter than me, more skilled, and could predict all my attacks, but in a battle of wills, I probably wanted out just as much as she wanted to keep me here. Now, I just had to convince the omniscient pony to agree to it.

        “I challenge you to a will duel,” I said, summoning a medicine ball. Probably not my best pitch, but in my defense, this day was not going in the direction I’d imagined.

        She laughed as we both descended towards the street, her floating in the air, me gliding. “And why in Equestria would I ever accept? As long as I keep you here, I win. Yes, I’d win our duel, too, but that victory wouldn’t gain me anything.” Bad news, she was too smart to just accept the duel. Good news, she was arrogant enough to think it wouldn’t be a contest.

        “Because…” I tried to think of what she’d want. What would make the teeny possibility of loss worth it for her? “I’ll let you come back with me.” Yeah, that’d probably be worth it.

        “Tempting,” she said, tilting her head as she levitated around me. “Very tempting, but also lethal. Having infinity crammed in your head tends to cook your brain. When we placed a copy of ourselves in this emerald, we were about two minutes away from suffering permanent neurological damage. You frying your brain doesn’t really advance my goals.” She paused and looked at me, swishing her tail. “However… You could take a fragment of me back with you. Not much of the knowledge, but the drives, ambitions, and wants.” She shrugged. “What’s one more voice in the cacophony of your skull?”

        I took a breath as my hooves touched the pavement.. “And if I win, how do I know you’ll just let me go?”

        “A fair criticism,” she said, landing a few hooves away from me. “We’ll have to make sure that the other party can’t cheat.” A few hoof lengths in front of her, a black ball bubbled and hissed and grew until it was almost touching her horn. Once it’d finished forming, she floated it away from her to sit between us. 

        “And that should do it,” she said, inching the orb towards me. “Please, feel free to investigate it with your magic.”

        “Great,” I said, grabbing it with my magic to try to probe into it and keep her from moving it closer to me. The second thing was easy enough, but the first one was a bit harder. A quick examination revealed the thing was made out of magic and that it had more spells in it than I knew.

        “Oh, are you having a hard time?” she asked mockingly. “I forgot you didn’t understand advanced thaumaturgy. Allow me to explain.” A faint current of magic ran through the orb and ignited half the spells. “That one’s for me. It’s a targeted oblivion spell. If it touches me, it activates and everything I am disintegrates, meaning you can freely leave the gem. Actually, you’ll be forced out as the entire complex sustaining the spell will collapse in less than a second.”

        “Wait,” I said, shaking my head. “If you lose, you’re going to die?” Okay, she was crazy and evil, but she didn’t deserve that.

        “Yes. My death being the price of failure is the only way I’ll consent to the duel. If you don’t want me to die, don’t accept the duel.” Oh, that was cheap. She knew I wouldn’t want to… I didn’t want to hurt her, I just wanted out of here, and actually killing somepony? I narrowed my eyes. She was trying to attack my will before the duel even started.

        I took a few breaths as I investigated the spells she’d highlighted. I didn’t know what an oblivion spell was supposed to look like, but the spells just felt mean. They clung to my magic and tasted like I imagined rotted ponies smelled. Sure, that didn’t mean much; it was something, though. You wouldn’t find them in a unicorn’s first spell book, at least. “Alright,” I said. “And the other spells?”

        Her magic highlighted the other spells. “They contain a rough impression of my personality. Similar to the spell that keeps me in the gem, but… looser. When it touches you, the spells will activate and implant that version of me in your psyche. I promise, the process is completely painless. It won’t even alter your personality, you’ll just have a little adviser in your head, constantly giving you tips.” A little devil in my ear, talking non-stop. Not bad at all.

        I gave a nod and took another breath. She had to die. Yes, it was terrible, and I’d be killing a pony, even if that pony was technically me, but if it was either destroy her or become her? That choice was easy enough. “Alright,” I said. “So, are you ready?”

        She shook her head. “Since you challenged me, there’s really only one weapon we can use, and the time is as soon as possible, but I believe I’m allowed to pick the location for our duel.”

        “What do you mean? The location’s here, right? It’s not like we’re getting out of your emerald, that’s the whole reason we’re having a duel.”

        “Yes, I know,” she said, rolling her eyes and lighting her horn up, causing the landscape around us to shift and transform, leaving us as the only solid points in the blur. “But we’re not having our duel on a rubble-strewn Manehattan street.” The world solidified and I was standing in a treehouse. Apple Bloom and Life Bloom were sitting off over a potion kit, Melody held a vial of liquid in her hooves, and Scootaloo and Socket were sitting to the side as spectators. “On the off chance I lose, I’d like to be surrounded by reminders of my friends when I go. You can give me that at least, right?”

        Yeah, now she was being sympathetic. Anything to make me feel bad enough that I couldn’t find the will to kill her. And it was working. I shook my head and tried to clear out those thoughts. I needed to win. What would Scootaloo say? Probably something like “Do your best, Sweetie, I believe in you.” Well, that’s what she would to.

        “Enough pity,” Mom said, appearing next to me. “If you wish to patch things up with Scootaloo, use that as another incentive to win this battle.” She smiled at me. “I know this might come across as terribly uncouth, and I do loathe violence, but I’m pro–” She popped into nothingness and Smartie just glared.

        “No. No, no, no. No pep talks from inside your head, this has to be between you and me,” she said, trotting to the far end of the treehouse, which was a lot farther away than it should’ve been. She must’ve enlarged the place for our duel. I trotted to the opposite side.

        “Can’t you just let me go?” I asked as we moved the orb to the middle of the clubhouse. “I don’t want to hurt anypony.”

        “I know,” she said, smiling. “And that’s why I’m going to win. Now, is there anything else you want to ask me before we start this. Any last questions you want to ask me before we do this? Any burning little mysteries you want resolved?”

        “N–” I stopped as a question popped into my head. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t that important, and it ate up precious time, but at the same time... “What was up with that note? The one you gave me about checking the whatever for the whatever? It didn’t really help me not get stuck in the time loop.”

        “That?” she asked, laughing. “Really? That’s your big question? The last mystery you want explained?” She shrugged. “Alright, the note was a diversion. You’d remember the warning, recite it to Socket prematurely, and then, while he was double-checking the calibrations, he wouldn’t notice the fact that Twilight was overcharging it. I wasn’t warning you about the time loop, I was ensuring you’d get stuck in it.”

        “Why the heck would you do that?” I asked. “What possible good would getting stuck in a time loop do me?”

        “You got your cutie mark in there, didn’t you?” she said, looking at me. “And woke up the next morning to find nopony remembered it. It was the first little wedge driven between you and everypony else. The crack to grow and grow and show you how fragile and fleeting friendship is. I think the letter did its job perfectly.” Had I already said she was crazy? Because I needed something stronger than crazy or insane to really properly describe her.

        “Alright,” I said, nodding my head. “Now, I really won’t feel that bad about obliterating you.” Well, I’d feel a little bad. She was still kind of a pony, just one who was indirectly responsible for every bad thing that’d happened to me since she was born.

        She curtsied before bracing herself. “I admire the braggadocio, Sweetie, and if you’re ready… On your mark.” She lit up her horn and I reached out with my own magic to touch the ball floating between us. 

        “Get set,” I said, doing my best to clear my head of any distracting thoughts like Luna’d taught me. Distracting thoughts like how I was getting ready to kill somepony. It’s her or you. It’s her or you.

        “Go!” Smartie shouted. Our wills collided and the ball inched forward. Inched towards me. I gulped and tried to push more of myself against the ball.

        “Huh,” Smartie said as the ball hovered closer to me. “I didn’t think you’d put up this much of a fight.” She grunted. “Well, don’t worry, it’ll be over soon, and you’ll have a great new voice in your head to listen to.”

        The ball loomed larger. In a few more seconds, it would blot out my vision, and a second after that, it would be over. She’d win, and I’d go back to being her. Maybe not at first, but she’d insinuate and mimic and manipulate and do what she always did, and soon enough, I’d be agreeing with her. Heck, even Bright Lights’ voice got me agreeing with her, and she just made fun of me most of the time.

        And then, you’ll go on manipulating the ponies that love you and turning them into your thralls. You’ll break Scootaloo and your Mom and anypony else you think you can ‘help’. On and on and on until there’s no love left. The ponies who love you the most are going to be your first victims.

        No. I closed my eyes. I wasn’t going to do that to them. No more hurting. No more lies. No more manipulation. She wouldn’t touch me. Those four words crystallized in my mind like an immutable fact of the universe. The sky was blue, the sun was hot, and she wouldn’t touch me. I opened my eyes to see the ball further away than before. Not much, but enough and it was getting even smaller.

        “Why… are you doing this?” Smartie shouted between grunts as I felt beads of sweat form on my forehead. “Why can’t you just let me help you? Even if you leave now and try to reconcile with Scootaloo, there’s still an eighty percent chance it will end with you two hating each other. No matter what you do, they’re going to hurt you.” There was another shout that almost sounded like a sob. “I saw it, Sweetie. I saw every little pain, every hurt. I saw everypony who’d ever fail me, who’d betray me. I saw everypony who’d ever leave me, and I felt it all. They’ll all leave me, in the end, or I’ll leave them, and I’m trying to stop it. Save us from it.” She ended the speech with a stifled sob as the ball’s advance slowed.

        The ball stopped moving just past the halfway point, and I understood Smartie. She wasn’t evil. Or crazy. She was a filly on her first day of school, terrified that all her friends would leave her and getting confirmation of that fear in the worst way possible. Infinite futures dumped in her head, showing her every heartache she’d ever conceivably suffer, but at that same moment giving her the knowledge she needed to change fate. I wanted to cry for her, but first I had to destroy her.

        “You’re wrong,” I said, struggling to get the ball moving again. “You don’t need to save me from anything.”

        “Yes I do! Things you can’t even imagine will hurt you. Do you know what it will feel like? Losing everypony you love? Seeing the pain of disappointment in their eyes? The pain of not being good enough?” She shouted and the ball jerked an inch closer to me. “Because I do.”

        “So what?” I asked and the ball shifted back closer to her. Smartie didn’t see that coming, apparently. “Yes, I’ll probably hurt in the future. Unbelievably bad things might happen to me. Maybe tomorrow, Scootaloo will say she’ll never forgive me, that she can’t stand to look at me again for what I did to her, and yes, that’ll hurt, it’ll hurt a lot. I’ll probably spend, like, a week just crying, and do you know what? That’s okay.”

        Another jerk towards her, but she managed to push it back before it got too far. “You taught me that,” I said, drops of sweat dripping down and catching on my eyelashes. “You didn’t mean to, but you did. You taught me that life hurts. That sometimes it feels terribly, unspeakably awful. Taught me that there will be days where I’ll just feel like crying, like, nonstop. Being completely honest, tomorrow’s probably going to be one of those days, but all that’s okay, because it happens and… and…” I stammered and the ball started moving towards me. And what? Ugh, did Twilight ever have this problem when she was trying to give a big speech to a bad pony?

        “And that’s what makes it beautiful.” The ball froze. “This afternoon, Mom held me in her hooves and comforted me. She didn’t do it because I was forcing her, but because she loved me. She loved me and wanted me to feel better. And Scootaloo, she saved me from the hell you put me in, and maybe you gave her the time and place, but she still chose to be there, and she chose to be by my side every second of every day afterwards, and Scootaloo leaving’s not going to change that. It’s not going to make that moment any less wonderful. You know what will, though? Forcing her to stay with me. Ruining every last bit of love we ever had because I’m afraid of it ending.”

        The ball hovered just a few inches from Smartie’s nose. “Things end, and that’s… that’s okay. It doesn’t change what we had, so maybe instead of worrying about them leaving, I can just enjoy when times are good.”

        “But it will hurt,” she said, forcing her head back to keep the edge of the ball away from her.

        “I know,” I said, trying to dig my hooves in the wood beneath me. Just because I was winning didn’t mean I could give up. “But I’ll survive, put myself back together, and I’ll move on. Maybe love and friendship aren’t guaranteed forever, but neither is loneliness.” The ball moved forward with one last jump and our duel ended. In an instant, the world around me buckled as a black fire devoured Smartie. She didn’t scream or shout as she burned – surrounded by copies of her old friends, and a clubhouse disintegrating around her – she just whispered one last word as everything went white.

        “Run.”

        The word echoed in my ear as I felt myself lurch back into my body and my eyes flicked open to see Twilight’s vaulted ceiling. Really? Run? I’d just beaten an omniscient crazy version of myself, and she was ending with a threat? “Run? That’s i–” I couldn’t finish the thought as a pair of forehooves wrapped around my neck.

        “Oh, Sweetie, you’re back,” Mom said. “I was so terrified. Are you alright?”

        “Can’t... breathe,” I gasped, and her grip slackened so I could think. Run. Run? Why would her last word be–

        “Luna!” I shouted, springing from my back to my hooves and sending Mom onto the floor as I scanned the room. Mom was still on the floor – I could apologize to her for that later – a fire was crackling, there were a bunch of extra blankets on the couch, and… Twilight was sitting at a desk, towers of books rising around her. 

“Twilight,IneedyoutocastasleepspellonmerightnowsoIcangototheDreamingandsaveLunafromNightTerrors.I’llexplainitallwhenIgetback,Ipromise,” I said, sprinting over to her and getting the words out as fast as possible. “Now,now,now,now,gottorun.”

“Alright,” she said, getting to her hooves and thoughtlessly lighting up her horn to pick Mom up. “Just lay down on the couch, you’ll go out as soon as I cast the spell, and I don’t want–”

“Cast it now,” I said, laying down on the couch. She nodded, lit up her horn, and I stumbled into the hub. Step one, done, I sat down and closed my eyes, reaching out with my magic to look for any disturbances in the Dreaming. Nothing much going on. Young and old ponies were settling down for the night, and foals were just now having their first dreams. I flicked through the usual stuff searching for anything odd, like–

Like a whole bunch of the Dreaming being blasted apart. Either Luna was still reshaping or the battle had just started. Either way, I jumped in the air, willed myself a pair of wings and flew off after her.

I flapped as hard as I could, and then I flapped harder. The nice thing about the Dreaming was that you didn’t really have to worry about being out of shape or getting exhausted. Not physically exhausted, at least. Below me, shifting patchwork landscapes grew and shrank, while I focused on the threads of dreaming taking me to Luna. As fast as I could fly, the Dreaming was doing its best to keep up with me as more ponies turned in for the night and had their minds touch the Dreaming, feeding it with more energy. It was like trying to fly across the surface of a balloon while it was being blown up if the balloon was also constantly rearranging itself and going from a sphere to a cube to some crazy shape that needed a few extra dimensions to express itself.

So, I flapped faster, pushing myself past whatever the pegasus-speed record was and then probably doubling it. While regular ponies had to deal with with wind speed, friction, flying so fast you disintegrated, or whatever it was that made it impossible to go past a certain speed, the only thing holding me back was willpower, and I had a whole bunch of that tonight.

Minutes turned into hours as I flew, pinging the Dreaming every few minutes to check on the fight and make sure I was still following the right thread. Finally, a canyon loomed up in the distance as beams of moonlight rained down, and I spread my wings to catch non-existent air and come to a stop.

Below me, a blueish speck blasted wave after wave of magic at an army of shambling… I dropped down to get a better view of the pony-esque things Luna was fighting. They had white coats, purple and pink manes, and looked kind of like a wax model of me left under a heat lamp for a few too many hours. She could’ve saved herself if she stopped your nightmares.  I blinked as the full meaning of Smartie’s words clicked right into place.

Still – I scanned the battlefield – Luna seemed to be doing fine. She was taking out Night Terror-Sweeties as soon as they could appear, and it didn’t look like they were gaining on her. Maybe Smartie’d been wrong? In the corner of my eyes, a speck of something moved, and I tilted my head to see two Terrors standing at the lip of the canyon as one of them licked its lips while it looked down on Luna, which wouldn’t have been so bad if its mouth hadn’t been split into four parts, and its tongue wasn’t long, brown, and spiky. Good thing I didn’t have nightmares anymore.

The Sweetie-things pounced, plunging towards Luna, mouths open wide, and I didn’t have time to think, just react. I reached into the Dreaming, finding the little snarl of nightmare in one Terror’s heart and grabbing it, feeling my horn in the real world light up as I brought my own magic into the Dreaming and ran my mind through the motions of the spell. The snarl tugged apart and the thing collapsed into itself with a shriek 

Luna’s head shot up at the sound and an instant later, the second one collapsed. Our eyes met, a nod was exchanged, and I flew down to stand next to her, keeping my eyes focused on the skies as we faced the tide of Night Terrors.


♪♪♪


        Hours later, the two of us sat slumped against the canyon walls, drenched in sweat. Physical exhaustion wasn’t a thing, but once your mind got tired enough, it started to feel the same. “Well, Sweetie,” Luna said. “I suppose I owe you my thanks.”

        I waved a hoof before using it to wipe sweat off my forehead. “Don’t worry about it. You would’ve done the same for me.”

        “Well, your timing is certainly impeccable, and while you should have followed my orders, I can’t find it within me to be too upset considering the outcome,” she said, shaking her head. Around us, the canyon hall was littered with little bits of Night Terror dust. 

        “Yeah,” I said, rubbing the back of my head. “Tonight was kind of sort of my fault.”

        “Don’t fault yourself for the crimes of creatures born of your nightmares,” she said, conjuring up a glass of water to drink. I created my own glass. Might not be real, but it still tasted good after a long night’s work. Not that I did that much. I just took out the one Night Terror and kept my eyes on the sky for anymore. “You handled yourself well for your first time in real combat.”

        I laughed. “Uhmm… funny you say that, because that wasn’t my first time in real combat. It wasn’t even my first fight of the night, which is kind of why I’m apologizing.”

        “Oh?” Luna asked, raising an eyebrow. “I believe it would be best if you told me what transpired before your fortuitous arrival.”

        “Probably. It’s kind of a long story.”


♪♪♪


        I finished telling Smartie Belle’s story and stared at Luna, waiting to see how she’d react. For a long time, she just returned my stare. Then, she clapped, which… wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. “Well done, Sweetie. You fought the manifestation of your own dark side and managed to prevail through your own cunning and willpower. It’s not every mare who can say that. Some of us had to rely on the aid of others.”

        “Well, I couldn’t have done it without you and Mom and Scootaloo,” I said, closing my eyes and trying to focus on the part of me that was still sleeping on a couch so I could feel cushion against the back of my head instead of stone. “Without all of you helping me out, supporting me every step of the way… It’s funny, but if it wasn’t for all the stuff she put me through the last four years, I think I might’ve taken her deal. Maybe she wasn’t as smart as she thought.”

        “Maybe,” Luna said next to me, not bothering to hide the doubt in her voice. “Perhaps in her hubris, she couldn’t imagine that you’d change. That you’d learn something from her lessons that she missed. Arrogance is often the downfall of those who believe themselves to be gods.”

        “But you have your doubts?” I asked, peeking an eye open to see her in the corner of my vision.

        “Your arrival was timed too perfectly, but then, fate does seem to have a flair for the dramatic. For instance, having the first five mares Twilight met in Ponyville be compatible element bearers strains credulity,” Luna said. 

        “So…” I took a breath. “Am I a bad pony? For having her in me? For killing her?”

        “Are Twilight and her friends bad ponies for destroying Nightmare Moon? Am I a bad mare for having the impulses that birthed her? We all fight with our darker natures, Sweetie, your fight was just a bit more literal than some,” Luna said, not needing to pause to think over her answer.

        “Still, I… I don’t know. I killed her. Maybe it wasn’t murder since she wasn’t real, but… I don’t know. Maybe there was some other way?”

        “She chose the terms of your duel, Sweetie. Perhaps death was always in her plan. It’s entirely possible she intended to terminate the spell tying her to the emerald the moment she released you. I doubt she planned to spend all eternity as a mind removed from the rest of Equestria.” I hadn’t thought of that, and… yeah, living alone forever didn’t seem like the type of thing Smartie would enjoy. “Either way, I don’t think any pony in Equestria would fault you for your actions.”

        “Thanks,” I said. Next to me, Luna slid down and moved to lie down on the canyon floor. “So, what now?”

        “I believe,” she said, spreading her wings out and transforming the floor into a mattress. “That the two of us have earned a few hours off, and I did promise we’d speak more of your issues with Scootaloo, although something tells me they don’t press as heavily upon you as they did this afternoon. Or yesterday afternoon, I suppose.”

        My horn lit up and a cloud bed formed underneath me, lifting me a few hooves off the ground. “Definitely,” I said, kicking my back hooves off the edge of the cloud. “Is there any chance I can just kind of sit back and listen? Maybe you have a few stories to tell?”

        She laughed. “Alright, I think you’ve earned that, and I suppose I picked up at least a couple of interesting tales in my centuries. Did I ever tell you about the time I seduced the Neighponese Emperor?”

        “Nope,” I said, shaking my head.

        “Ah, well, it was long before my sister and I came to rule. We were touring the world to learn more of its people and their forms of governance, and…” I closed my eyes and listened as she wove her story, letting myself get lost in the moment and letting the moment stretch until sunrise.


> 18. For Now
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        The sun broke the horizon, and I opened my eyes as the first rays of light streamed through and caught on pink frilly curtains. I lifted my head up and looked around. Pink curtains, pink bed sheets, an explosion of dolls pouring out of a toy chest… If it wasn’t for the blue crystal walls and the fact that it was twice as large, it would’ve been a perfect recreation of my room in Mom’s old boutique.

        “Ah, you’re up,” Mom said, drawing my eyes to the little corner of the room she was sitting in. “Good. How are you feeling?”

        I yawned. “A little tired.” Spending half the night flying and the other half fighting Night Terrors didn’t exactly make for a super restful sleep. Still, the exhaustion usually ended after a few hours, and if it didn’t, a few more cups of coffee usually helped. “And…” I tilted my head. “Did you spend all night watching me sleep?”

        She laughed and shook her head. “Of course not, Sweetie. I just checked in between helping Twilight with some spellwork and speaking with Scootaloo.” Her eyes narrowed. “That took up most of my night.”

        “Wait,” I said, stumbling out of bed. “Scootaloo’s here? I thought she’d be getting ready for her race, or… I didn’t think she’d follow me.”

        “Yes, well, I suppose you’re more important to her than an annual race and a rivalry,” Mom said, getting to her own hooves. “But I’m sure you can speak with her about it later.” She paused. “That is, assuming you do wish to speak with her. If not, I can send her away or tell her to wait, depending on your wishes.”

        “No, that’s fine,” I said, shaking my head and taking a breath. “After last night, I think I know what I want to say to her.”

        “And speaking of which, is there any chance you can tell me just what transpired last night? I gather that you touched a soul gem, spoke with somepony, then came back and ordered Twilight to cast a sleep spell on you to save Luna from something,” Mom said. “Also, can I get you anything?”

        “Uhmm, I’d like to see those journals,” I said, looking from her to the door. “And… yeah, I guess I do have a story to tell you.” Hopefully, I wouldn’t have to tell it that many more times. Maybe once more with Scootaloo, but we had other things to take care of first. “So, it all started with the first day of school at Princess Luna’s Academy…”


♪♪♪


        Mom listened to my story as she led me to the library, pulled up seats for us, and started a fire – I requested the fire around the point I was explaining my Dreaming powers. She didn’t see the point of a fire on the last day of spring, but I insisted – I think it took maybe an hour for me to go over everything, and she took it pretty well. Probably shock.

        “I… see,” Mom finally said. “Well, that’s certainly not what I expected, but…” She shook her head. “No, it doesn’t make that much more sense, either, although it does explain why the emerald’s spell matrix dissolved after you came back. Twilight and I were worried that… Never mind, we were worried about something, and it turned out to be silly and unfounded.”

        “What?” I asked, looking at her. Mom’d arranged two chairs around the fire with a little book table between them to support the journals. “Come on.”

        “Well, you know how you made a deal with…” Mom paused before using the name. “‘Smartie’ that if she won the duel, a piece of her could return with you?” I nodded. Of course I did. I’d been there. “Well, Twilight had some similar worries. Thankfully, nothing like that happened.”

        She smiled at me. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to explain to all my petitioners that court’s been cancelled for the day, and take a much-deserved nap. I’ll let the staff know if they see Scootaloo wandering around the halls to send her your way.”

        “Thanks,” I said, smiling as she trotted out of the room and waiting for the doors to close before taking the first journal, spreading it wide, and floating it into the fire where the flames gave a nice whoosh. I glanced back at Twilight’s desk and saw the emerald sitting right in the center, a bunch of weird magic things forming a circle around it. If it was safe, maybe Mom’d let me keep it as a little reminder. My gaze turned back to the fire as the first journal crackled really nicely. I’d have to clean up after myself, because if Twilight ever learned her fireplace had been used to burn books, she might actually kill me. 

        What was even in them? More plans? Ways to take over Equestria? Maybe warning signs to steer clear of this pony or not trust that pony when they say this thing. Ways to ascend to become an alicorn? Secrets of immortality? Smartie seemed like the type of pony who’d be all about that.

        As the first journal turned to ash, I floated the second one in. Maybe they were blank. Maybe Smartie just needed them as diversions? Something to distract me from the main journal. Possible, but that didn’t seem like Smartie, either. Not that I knew her for that long. Maybe an hour or two, maybe thirteen years, depending on how you looked at it. I could just check. Open up one of the journals and take the tiniest peek at what she’d written. She could have written a journal all about what happened to me if I didn’t take her offer as a contingency plan. Perhaps a few hints on what to do about Scootaloo?

        I threw the next journal on the fire. Maybe she did. Maybe the book next to me had a secret to eternal happiness that didn’t involve lying and manipulating. I’d never know. I never wanted to know. I heard the door creak open and lifted my head to see Scootaloo slink into the room. Had she ever slunk anywhere?

        “Hey,” she finally said, waving a little hoof at me. I waved back.

        “Hey,” I said back. “Do you want to sit down? I’ve got a nice little fire going.”

        “Sweetie, it’s almost summer. How are you not sweating through that chair?” she asked, taking a few steps closer to me. 

        I laughed. “Oh, I’m definitely sweating,” I said, wiping a thin layer of perspiration from my brow. “But how else am I going to burn these journals? Kind of need a fire for burning things.” I paused and kicked a hoof dangling off my chair. “Well, I guess I could just use my magic, but that doesn’t seem as fun.”

        “Alright, I’ll bite,” she said, hopping into the chair as I tossed journal number four into the fire. “Why are you burning journals?”

        “It’s a long story, and maybe we’ll get to it later, but let’s just say I had a crazy day after I stormed off. Speaking of which, there are some things we need to talk about,” I said, looking at her.

        “Yeah…” she said, drawing the word out to be as long as possible before going quiet. “Did you… Did you mean everything you said yesterday?”

        I nodded. “I did,” I said before tilting my head. “Except the thing about not regretting throwing myself in front of your scooter. I felt awful about it, I just… I didn’t feel like I had any other choice. If I didn’t, I thought Diamond Tiara was going to tell you how I’d been manipulating you, and then you’d break up with me, and I would have done anything to keep that from happening. I did do anything to keep that from happening.” Scootaloo just looked at me, an unasked question in her eyes. “And it turns out, I kind of hallucinated Diamond Tiara, so I didn’t actually need to do anything crazy.”

        “Okay,” she said, closing her eyes and trying to get her mind to wrap around what I’d said. “So… I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since yesterday, and I get that I screwed up and put you in a really bad place, but why didn’t you tell me? Why did you have to do all the crazy scheme stuff?”

        “Because it’s what she’s good at,” an echo of Bright Lights said, barely audible before fading away.

        “Because I was afraid if I told you the truth, told you you were hurting me, that you’d leave me for ‘my own good,’” I said, shaking my head. “That you’d walk away because you didn’t want to ‘jeopardize my recovery’, and then I’d lose the only friend I had left.”

        She rolled her eyes and leaned over to bonk me on the horn. “Sweetie, after all the shit we’ve been through, I wouldn’t have just walked away like that. I would have forced you to sit down and talk with me.”

        Oh. “Oh,” I said, rubbing the back of my head. “That… Uhmm… Have I mentioned I can be a little crazy sometimes?”

        “Yeah, well, apparently, so can I,” Scootaloo said. I just smiled at her. “So, what are we going to do?”

        I swallowed down a bubble of fear. “If you want to leave or go back to being friends, I’m okay with that, but I’d really like it if you stayed in that chair so we could talk things out and give us one last shot.”

        She smiled at me. “Nowhere else I’d rather be right now.”

        “Alright,” I said, nodding my head. “Well, if we’re doing this, we’ll need to have rules, and I’m not talking about the rules we had last time. Like, I don’t want to humiliate you anymore. It’s not good for me, and I don’t think it’s good for you either, and if you need to be humiliated to be with me, then we’re just not going to work.”

        “So… No more Mistress Sweetie?” Scootaloo asked, relief and disappointment mixing on her face.

        “I think she’s going into retirement,” I said, grabbing the next journal with my magic and throwing it into the fire. “Maybe I can see about bringing her out once a month, but if I do, she’s not leaving the bedroom.”

        “Then what are we going to do the rest of the time?” she asked, looking from me to the fire as the book combusted.

        “What everypony else in a relationship does: listen to each other, love each other, and do our best to meet each other’s needs,” I said as the woosh of heat from the burning journal died down. “When we get back to Manehattan, I’m going to buy…” The word snagged in my throat. “A thing for you, and I’m going to do my best to use it, but we can’t just be a one-way street anymore.”

        “That’s…” I saw the way her body tensed up as she looked away. “That’s going to be hard for me.”

        “I know it is,” I said, keeping my voice calm. “And I’m going to work with you on it. We’ll ease you into it, but you are going to do your best. We both are. That’s the only way this can work.”

        “Okay,” she said, nodding her head but looking away. “I just… I don’t know if I can.”

        I laughed and leaned in to kiss her cheek before stopping myself. I couldn’t feel that tensing, not right now. “I know you can,” I said, “and do you know why?” She looked at me. “Because you’re Scootaloo, and you’ve done everything you’ve set your mind to. This is just another challenge for you to roll over. Plus, you’ll have me cheering you on the entire time.”

        “Thanks,” she said, smiling and leaning in a bit closer to me and taking a small step to bridging the divide between our chairs. Beneath us were the two remaining journals, hers and mine. I tossed mine into the fire. “Don’t know what I’d do without you next to me.”

        “Yeah,” I said, blinking an irritation out of my eyes. “We were a pretty good team back then, weren’t we? Maybe after this, we can stop by and see how Apple Bloom’s doing. Maybe even visit the clubhouse for old time’s sake.” 

        “Sure,” she said, nodding her head. “So, is there anything–”

        “I like hugging ponies,” I said before she could finish. “That’s who I am, I like touching, it makes me feel better, and if you’re dating me, there probably won’t be a single second where I don’t want to touch you or hug you or kiss you, and I get that that’s not you, so I’m going to try not to all the time, but I just can’t… If I have to feel you tense up every time I try to show how much I love you, I’m going to go crazy.”

        “Then I’ll do my best not to,” she said, looking to the fire for a second. “It’s not… I’ve never been the best with touching anyways, especially not sensitive touching stuff with mares, but I’ll get used to it. It’s just like breaking in a new helmet, right?”

        “Scootaloo, I have no idea about what it’s like, I just know you can do it,” I said, looking up her with a head that felt five pounds lighter. I smiled and put my hoof on the journal with her cutie mark on it. If Smartie did leave any information about our future together, it would be in this one. “You want to throw this into the fire with me?”

        “Uhmm… maybe,” she said, looking down at the journal. “Want to tell me what’s in it?”

        “No idea,” I said, grinning. “It was written by Smartie Belle, so for all I know, it has every little thing we need to know to make our relationship work. A whole lifetime of advice so we never have a single fight.”

        “Wait,” she said, shaking her head and looking at me like I’d lost my mind again. “We’re trying to figure out how to make our relationship work, and you’re telling me you won’t even look inside a book that could have the answer to all our problems.”

        “Basically,” I said, keeping my eyes on her as she stared down at the journal, a shock of magenta mane falling over her eyes. “I don’t know what’s in it, but I know it was written by all the worst parts of me: my fear, my doubt, my manipulations. It’s the last page to a really long chapter of my life, and I want to close it with you.” I tilted my head. “Then burn it.”

        “But what if this isn’t enough?” she asked. “What if it has something we need later? If it wasn’t for Smartie Belle, I couldn’t have saved you, so what if she knew something–”

        “It doesn’t matter,” I said. “I won’t read another word she’s written, and… maybe we won’t make it. It’s going to be hard, and a lot of couples with a lot less to overcome don’t.” Scootaloo froze, looking at me like I’d just smacked her with something vulgar. “But we’re here right now, and we love each other, and that’s all I could want.” Her hoof reached out to touch mine, and a thrill ran through my heart. 

        The two of us leaned forward, finally bridging the divide between our chairs as our lips met, tension free, and we melted into each other’s touch, while somewhere far away, our future burned.