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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Yep. This is pretty much what I expected with Ruby. And I still don't like it.
If you really don't want me to be negative I'll probably try to stop talking about it, now, unless I actually warm up to it, somehow.
Just to be clear, this was well written. The mood was fine and the reconnections were good. By contrast, last chapter was a bit of a miss on that part, I think.
I just still don't like the situation.
7074078
7074085
yeah I agree the previous chapter was not as strong as this one...
As for the whole Ruby thing well all I can do is rehash what I've said before... though its possible I might make you warm up to her yet..
7074166
I like Ruby. That is not the problem. The problem is you are continually making it clear she has lost part of her psyche. She has lost part of her psyche and the entire story is treating it as if it is at worst a non thing, and often a good thing.
And... that's not really all. It's just the first thing, but I'm not going to continue to rant unless I know you wanna hear it.
7074191
answer to that is coming... plus Magic Dowser clearly is not thinking that...
7074260
Yeah, but he's also completely not "in the know." It's not unreasonable for me to believe that the people who know more about dragons are supposed to be more right, so when they don't care that Ruby lost her normal thinking side it seems like you're writing it like it's perfectly okay. That nothing of value was lost.
7074276
I'm getting there...
7074317
Ugh. Me editing gets in the way again. I can't really remember what exactly I said, but it was something along the lines of "And you agree with the dragons, you think that what happened to Ruby is not that bad, so you just need to get around to explaining it in the story."
Just for anyone reading through the comments...
I felt like accusing you and assuming your opinions was going overboard. I try to keep personal crap out of criticism (and I rather like you). It has and completely hasn't served me well, depending on when it was.
New edit is me focusing on how those in the know are acting like nothing of value was lost. Sorry.
7074331
no kidding... and now because of your edit my response needs to be different... but I wont say it as I'm leaving that for me to put in the story... with any luck I wont forget it/get it right.
And again I will say this: your criticisms have been of great value to me because every time you work hard to keep your criticisms constructive as possible(even when you are frustrated) and thus have contributed to making my stories all the better.
but I just have to say this... this is so pinkie here with her outbursts:
everytime I read scorpion sing, I remember Mikau from Majora's Mask
Name of Story: Tales of Dragon Clan.
Grammar score: 9/10
Pros:
-The story is nicely paced, and from a technical view point, it's very solid.
-The opening chapters and the suspense of disbelief in later chapters are done well.
- It has a good idea that is worth exploring further.
Cons:
-There isn't enough world building. Which makes it confusing to follow
-A bit of an awry characterization. The characters could use a lot more details about them.
-A somewhat edgy protagonist.
Notes Section: Despite the cons, the story in and of itself has potential, as I said it is solidly built, the scenes are well done, there is tension, and there are a lot suspense. There is a point I always like to make is that if the story has a good foundation, even if it have a lot of negative points, it can still pull through as decent.
There is one issue however that I think drags the entire story down, and it's not part of the story itself. Your long description is confusing to say the least, all I got out of it is that there was a war, Spike has a clan and that it is set 2000 years in the future, however the third part is not clear at all and the entire thing is wrought with missing detail and misplaced priorities. Like who fought in the war? Why was Spike's psych torn asunder? Does the orphan have a role to play? If so what? What happened to the main six, to princess Celestia and princess Luna? Cadence and Shining Armor? Does the story starts with the current season or with the previous seasons?
The description is far too vague and far too poor in details for it to actually get the people to click on the first chapter.
7094421 Thanks for the review, always is welcomed.
As for my response to it:
*Hopefully I can fix the world building without messing up the pacing...
I'll see what I can do... though that should become easier with the current arc winding down... I hope... though I could do back and do some editing...
Yeah story description is one of my weakest areas... Never been able to do it justice no matter how many revisions... not sure how to fix it completely to be honest... made some changes to it though but something tells me that it is not much better
7095049
You are welcome, and thank you for reviewing my story as well, a couple of advice before I go:
the description looks better but not quite there yet. I came up with a few ideas since posting my review. Why not give a brief two-three paragraph long summary for the keeper trilogy?
From the looks of it, this is how I could possibly have done it:
The first paragraph would be about Spike building his clan.
Then the second paragraph would be about the war came and it's aftermath (such as the killing of Ruby's parents and him falling asleep) (This is what happens in the trilogy, right?)
And finally, Ruby awakening and joining the clan and what it entails. Also
That last phrase is a great step in the right direction, so keeping it would be a good idea.
A final word regarding world building, a good advice that was given to me is that to do a good world building is to describe the world from the perspective of your character, that way, you can engage the audience and develop the character at the same time.
7095133
hmm that is good advice and can be easily edited in a bit as well...
I have taken that into consideration and have adjusted the description.
Thanks again!
I remember reading an earlier comment you wrote about Spike's mate saying that you had basically determined who it was. Now my question is, pony or Dragon and will his mate be revealed in this story?
7104334 it will be dragon and yes in this story.