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I knew it!
Now to actually read the chapter.
6890429 You know exactly why it may be a hindrance...
As for your drama queening....
Name of Story: Tales of Dragon Clan.
Grammar score out of 10: 8
Pros:
*You got me hook on the dreams, I always like the idea of having dreams in the story.
*the pacing is done well.
Cons:
*a unneeded use of the F word. Now I got no problem with curse words, but I tent to notice that other writes will substitute the letter f with b. Like, buck, bucking, etc.
*Not stating the POV(Point of View). I noticed you like to switch back and forth between first person perspective, and normal writing. This is fine, but it would be wise to give the reader a heads up. Example: <Ruby's POV>. Putting this upon the parts of the first person perspective, make things easier to keep up with. I am not worried about your use of 'I', just give the reader the heads up on who's perspective their reading.
Notes Section: I like the way you handled the primal ideas. It what got me to upvote it. And I am curious on where you'll take this. So I will track it. But I will wait though on giving a fav for it, since there has only been a few chapters.
6893470 The POV shifts... I think I can fix that... thanks!
Poor History Seeker. Meeting his granddaughter for the first time in years and he can't dote on her, spoil her, or anything.
To be honest... I just have to as why it is alternating between first person and not.
I mean, I'd get it if it were that every scene Ruby's in is first person, then when she's not in that scene it isn't, but the scenes just... alternate.
Why did you make this choice?
6897352 Yeah I may be switching the POV a bit too much/quickly... especially with this chapter... I should have left it in first person(Ruby) through the end...
I don't have an eloquent answer to why other then to say that the POV shifts are taking over SF/He of Harmony's role as dramatic revelation delay: the character.
6897464
You can reveal as much or as little information as you want in any POV. You can write a third-person POV while only showing what that character would see/you want to reveal. Or, if you are going to include Ruby in every scene, it might be simpler to stick with first-person unless she's not there.
Switching back and forth isn't needed to preserve information distance... I mean, I'd "get" if you say it feels right to switch, and you think it has a positive effect on the reader but...
In the end, that's what this is about. What effect do you expect it to have. Right now it is a little weird. Might even explain the weird U/D ratio, since swapping willy nilly (especially if you tell one scene from Ruby's POV, and have her in the next scene but it's suddenly not from her POV) is confusing.
6897479 No, Ruby is not going to be in every scene... I don't think POV shifts are bad as long as they are done right... for example not done too often... and done in a logical manner... I'm also trying to stretch a bit as a writer... *sigh* I will sleep on this.
6897479
dag it i see you edited your comment after I posted my rebuttal... It is possible that it is the cause for the U/D ratio...
6897565
I edited it, unfortunately, in the middle of the two. Before you posted your rebuttal... but after you started reading my comment.
It's a problem with my compulsive comment-editing.
Sorry about that. I have to curb it so that people I'm talking to don't either miss things or look like a crazy person.
6897583
don't need to do that your avatar says it all
Cheese
Something's telling me that the three of them have just met Spike--and Spike is HUGE--just like every other damn author that has to state that since Spike is older, even by hundreds of years, he's gonna be huge..
6903129 well just wait and see until the next chapter (which will be out on the 5th or 6th depending on my mood) but I can say this you are about 1/3 right
Oh, it's that dragon.
That was a much shorter journey than I expected it to be.
6906655 What dragon were you expecting?
6906664
I wasn't expecting any particular dragon.
I was expecting someone who would explain a little bit more about the nature of a dragon, then send the party on their way further, not finding out they're at their destination.
6906679 technically they aren't at their destination at least when it comes to a location...
That's a... lot of expodump. It's all the stuff that happened in previous stories, so I am fine, but... yeah I can't speak to whether this is overwhelming to a new reader.
Who's the other pony?
6924960 well I suppose could have broken it up into two chapters but that would still mean expodumping
Minty I changed it to be a bit more clear.
6925099
Ah yes, Dowser's girlfriend. I forgot she was there.
You really need to start explaining this crap instead of piling more and more shit ontop of other information that still hasn't been answered.
6930522 I'm trying not to overload with exposition while also not leaving you all in complete darkness... if you can be more specific i can go back and clean up the biggest issues and keep it it mind going forward... as it is I can only make minor corrections via guessing...
Waiting to the moment when they see Twilight the alicorn...
Just one question...
How is that "He of the Everfree" and "He of the River" did not appear? I think they are alive, and Ruby was tresspasing in their territory.
6947789
Without getting into whether they are alive:
Ruby is not trespassing as she is still a whelp... Remember He of Everfree didn't care about Spike being in his territory it was his hoard that was the problem. Whelps and hacthlings under dragon code are free to roam into other dragons territories mainly because they can't sense territory wards. No magic outside of their letter flame.
6947825 Right, I forgot, thanks for the answer.
6947848 not a problem it has been a while since that was explained (it will come up again but not for a while)
... Really? It's gotta be him?
Not that it's confirmed it is but... Well I still don't like him from previous stories!
6930722
Yeah. Unsurprised someone is frustrated by it. You are barely passing by all this information, not explaining much of anything from them. There's a lot of information, so... it's a hard thing to have to write. Have to be very careful to not give too much away... and we have already learned a lot of stuff quickly.
sigh, too many clues around Ruby if she managed to think a little...
6952620 You never liked DFW anyway besides one way or another he's getting a mate... just like DWH and Scorpion...
I never once explained the what the path of the DragonWyrm really is and I was first introduced back in the part of DoH... Don't except me to answer every little nugget I throw right away.... besides doing what I'm doing serves a duel purpose (see below)
Yeah its hard to write... the funny thing is even if I had tagged this as an "official" sequel I would still have to do it.... though to be fair Ruby is getting ticked off about it:
For what she did? It kiiiinda is. She tore her family apart for... we don't even know! But she put her father into misery, deliberately hid Ruby's past and information about her from her, causing her to be an emotional wreck... what she did was pretty bad.
And thank goodness she doesn't say yes. She doesn't even really know what's going on! So it would be entirely... would simply feel unfair that she's going to magically bind herself to an extra-feral dragon anyway, who's only demonstrated the "virtue" of being the most powerful/magical/whatever dragon.
6955643 Note I used the word curse not 'chew her out.' Does Elegant Prose need to be chewed out for her behavior... yes... should Wanderer have curse her like he did and in front of Ruby, no. As for the why I gave a hint back in AtToH though I will have her comeuppance come soon enough.
As for the usual DFW 'hate' section of your comment(eyeroll)... you are making an assumption that DFW is the most 'powerful/magical/whatever' dragon. Is he a powerhouse in battle yes... doesn't that necessarily make him 'most powerful'
And he demonstrated more then just the he was worthy of her by being the powerful-est one there...
6955705
Cannot recall how, other than being angry at the person insulting her mother. Because he didn't kill Magic Dowser? That he didn't murder someone who didn't deserve being murdered. Because he healed him? While it's nice, it's also not "out of his way to be way more nice than others" nice. That's "he's a decent person, who has the ability to heal and uses it." Again, it's dependent on how magical he is.
And... didn't he win the fight? Doesn't that make him the strongest dragon vying for her? And it describes him glowingly as if he is most likely one of the largest and strongest physically dragons alive, and he's still described as a spark dragon, which is explicitly said to have more magic than the other kinds. If you didn't want to say "he's the strongest dragon in the fight" then you did a really bad job of it.
Also he kills about... six dragons when doing this, apparently.
6955729
You forgot what he did for Magic Dowser... Also being angry came after her rejection...
Nine...
and in the context of those vying for her yes he is the strongest...
Yes he has more magic but that doesn't mean he can utilize it like DWH can.
6955729 You and editing comments after the fact
or at least I think you edited it...
You do realize he took on Magic Dowser's scars? Not many would be willing to do that...
Lol of course second claw would get a mate first
6958410 Jealous much? and technically Ruby rejected Secondclaw's advance...
... A much better example would be how the territorial-looking combat where the "white dragon" killed nine dragons to try to woo Ruby. That looks barbaric. Because, to anyone else, it is.
Nine dragons are dead, which represent... hundreds of years of maturation. Thousands, possibly. Those were nine magical living creatures with whole lives, wants, desires, etc. All gone now because Ruby is a girl therefore they'll get themselves killed over trying to woo her, and nobody really bats an eye to it.
And that reminds me: it wasn't that he killed nine to make her safe, but to y'know... be the victor who wins her matehood. And all the others believe they're doing exactly the same thing, since they would probably also be protecting her and want nothing but the best for her. So the thing where she is setting it up like "he protected me" he... didn't really protect her. He tried to win her matehood, just like all the others.
I get it's Ruby's idea in her head, but setting up the romance between them on the grounds that he 'protected her' is disingenuous at best. And it does look like you're still setting up the groundwork for it, so I guess I should get used to it.
Im actually starting to miss the third person view now, cause this first oerson stuff is kinda giving me a headache at trying to figure out whose talking at the beggining and i just enjoyed the thid person stuff for this set of stories. It just made more sense then going in bettween the third and furst persin views. No offence
6963725
I can always fix that....
6963439
That part was the hardest thing for me to write and I had troubles thinking of something better... also i missed a word... did fix it a bit by adding meat to this line: “Is a predator evil because it must eat to survive?” and changing this line “Does that make them vile, evil killers?” to “On that same line does fighting for a mate (in a matter similar to many species of animals) make them vile, evil killers?”
there are multiple reasons for Ruby besides the flawed he was trying to 'protect me' mentality she has for DFW (yes she has no idea what really was the cause for the fight... yet...)
What best that a pony to give notices to a pony? They could very well let Dowsy talk with Twilight, maybe if he see another pony instead of a dragon he could think more calmly.
Good job with the chapter.
6964119
Honestly, once you get to that you get what might resemble an ethics debate. Only probably more vehement.
Humans (nor ponies) aren't Tournament maters. Not really. Some people say we have some resemblences but... we don't kill our mate rivals. Not except in rare cases. And then we mate monogamously, more or less.
But we might absolutely say it's wrong to murder someone in order to, basically, impress a mate. Say it's counter productive to society. For dragons it's like: "oh... you'll die for the chance to mate? And almost no male gets the chance to? Wow, that is a super dismal species."
So... accepting that outright is a little shocking. If he's told "they literally have to, it's in their instincts" he might be more forgiving, but still repelled by the idea.
6964414
Minty just made that argument! Magic Dowser at the beginning of the story had used the argument about hunting and using her flame was likely instinctual and to fight against was harming her! and If I recall Magic Dowser said he would TRY key word try.
"oh... you'll die for the chance to mate? And almost no male gets the chance to? Wow, that is a super dismal species."
*13 dragons out of 600+ must be something SPECIFIC about ruby that attracted them...
*From previous stories we already know that the ratio of males to females is wonky (more males to females)
* Dragon live forever... think about that for a second...
*watching the mating process as already been establish in DoH HK got lucky that there wasn't another prospective male in the area.
actually... go reread that whole chapter...
* next chapter will deal with this again...
Having said all that all of your points are valid arguments that someone in story might make... which is why i added this chapter in the first place which is why I'm stuck on an upcoming chapter... I am working to make this all seem organic as I can (I'm not a perfect writer don't expect that please)
I was thinking I liked her...
But maybe not.
You're going way out of your way to make me hate him even more aren't you? Basically at this point you're saying... he is Ruby's destined mate because... mumblemumble instincts somethingsomething love in eyes blahbloo magic.
Also your technobabble about "no sentience" is painful. Dogs have sentience. Sentience is the sense of "I have subjective feelings about things and am myself." It is more related to emotion than reason. If Whateverhisname has no sentience, then the concept of him loving people falls apart because he cannot feel love. There would be no sense of protection or possessiveness, only "I do this because at this very moment this is the world around me."
You might mean reason, but you can't mean that either, because reason doesn't work in opposition and separate from emotion, but works in concordance in it, both affecting each other, and it is, just like feelings, exists on a broad level and we can observe basic reasoning even in animals.
6966690 no, nope. I'm not playing 'the politically correct'/ circular reasoning game when it comes to Sentience... Either take how it is noted as sentience in universe(not IRL) or not... I don't need nor want to get into philosophical debate on it...
6966690 new comment to prevent not seeing me edit previous comment: I have made a slight alteration of what I said still not 'politically correct' but it should have added some clarification to it.
6966918
(Working on reply to everything else.)
The sentience thing is not really a... it's just a phrasing thing, at the end of the day. I think I get what you mean, that he's supposed to have a more instinctual animalistic intelligence... but it doesn't seem like it's exactly not intelligence. It's a kind of intelligence, and a kind of feeling, but a different kind.
6966989
Basically... One of the reasons I wasn't going to play that game was i would end up pulling out hair trying to find the 'correct' terminology that sounded like something a layperson would say not someone who sounds like they have a pile of PhDs
6967015
Yeah. I get where you're coming from. Intelligence is er... not actually well understood, so the terminology is vague anyway.