The telltale ring of Carousel Boutique’s front door bell chimed throughout the quiet shop. Rarity looked up from the dress she had been working on to see an orange mare walking to her stitching table.
“Why hello there, Applejack, what can I do for you this fine day?”
Applejack kicked her saddlebags off and set them on the table, “Ah was gearing up this morning and I found a hole in mah saddlebags,” She said, pointing out the bag’s damaged stitch with her hoof.
“Ah, not a problem my dear, I’ll have them patched up in no time,” Rarity said pushing the dress aside and, after a bit of digging pulled out her repair kit. Setting the kit down where the dress had once been she began gingerly re-stitching the damaged saddlebag.
After a few seconds of silence, Applejack leaned in close to the unicorn, a little too close for Rarity’s liking. “Sooo, have you talked ta Rainbow today?”
“Um, yes…yes I did,” Rarity replied, moving her head slightly back to increase the space between them.
Both ponies sat in awkward silence as Rarity continued repairing the stitch, trying hard to ignore the cowpony’s leering eyes.
“What’d she have to say?”
Rarity sighed, annoyed at the continued interruption. “Not much.”
Silence filled the room once again and the soft sounds of the unicorn’s patchwork simply added to the awkwardness of the situation. Applejack leaned closer in, almost on Rarity’s shoulder now.
“She didn’t happen to talk about a certain librarian did she?”
Rarity cut her eyes at the cowpony and ceased her work, “Yes, yes she did! Now do you want your saddlebags fixed or not?”
The front door chimed again before Applejack could reply. This time a purple unicorn strolled through the door carrying the dress she had worn for the Grand Galloping Gala.
“Hey Rarity, hey Applejack, how are you two today?”
“Just dandy Twi, ah was just getting Rarity here to stitch up mah bags, Ain’t that right?” Applejack replied, nudging the unicorn in the side.
“Oh, umm, of course! Applejack, you wouldn’t mind if I stepped away for a bit to see what Twilight needs would you?”
“Not at all.”
“It’s not really that big of a deal,” Twilight said, stepping forward and placing the dress on the table,” I just wanted to see if you could take up the dress a bit, I’ve lost a little weight since the Grand Galloping Gala and it doesn’t seem to fit as well as it should now.”
Rarity snatched her measuring tape using her magic and started taking her friend’s new measurements.
“So my dear, why are you looking to bring your dress out anyway? You wouldn’t happen to be taking somepony out for a date would you?” Rarity saw Applejack facehoof out the corner of her eyes, clearly not impressed with the level of subtlety that the unicorn had employed.
“No, nothing like that, Princess Celestia invited me to a social function next month and I couldn’t think of a better dress than the one you made for me.”
“Oh, so no dates then?”
“Nope,” Twilight said plainly, “It’s strange though, you’ll never guess who asked me out on a date yesterday!”
“Rainb-“ Rarity started before Applejack nudged her in the side. “I mean, uhhhh…Raindrops?”
Twilight shook her head, “Nope, but you’re close, it was actually Rainbow Dash.”
“Rainbow? How unusual,” Rarity said, feigning what she hoped sounded like ignorance.
“Yeah, that’s completely outta left field for a pony like her,” Applejack continued, following her friend’s lead.
“I know, right?”
All three ponies stared at each other in awkward silence exchanging short glances. Rarity finally pulled her tape away, mercifully ending the awkward silence. “I believe that’s all I need dear. Twilight, out of curiosity, what did you tell Rainbow?”
“Well, I told her that while I appreciated her interest, I just have my hooves full with my studies at the moment,” The purple unicorn explained.
“Oh… really?” Rarity asked trying to spur Twilight on.
“Yeah, I told her I really didn’t have time to waste on a relationship at the moment. “
Rarity and Applejack caught each others jaws before they hit the floor. The unicorn was the first to find her voice. “You…actually told her that?”
“Yeah, she seemed like she was in a hurry to leave afterwards. Can you believe it though? Rainbow Dash of all ponies wanted to ask me out on a date. I would’ve never imagined it!”
Rarity blinked a few times in disbelief trying to let everything sink in, “Yes, it came as quite a shock to me as wel-I mean, comes as quite a shock to me!”
Applejack stepped towards Twilight with her hat in hoof, “No offense sugarcube, but don’t ya think ya came off…just a tiny bit harsh there?”
Twilight looked perplexed, “What do you mean?”
Applejack rubbed her hoof on her chin, “Hmmmm, lemme think for a moment… ah know, let’s do a little roleplay. I’ll be you, and you’ll be Rainbow.”
“OK…ummm, what should I say?”
“Go ahead and ask me out.”
“OK,” she cleared her throat and led with an approximation of what she thought would be Rainbow’s voice, “Hey Twilight, would you like to go out with me?”
Applejack adopted a voice halfway between her normal accent, and the one she was taught as a young filly in Manehatten. “That’s really nice Rainbow, but I don’t have time to waste on you.”
Twilight stood stock-still for a moment taking in Applejack's response before her eyes bugged out. “Oh Celestia! I can’t believe I said that!” The purple unicorn dashed for the door.
“Twilight dear, where are you going?” Rarity inquired, before the unicorn could get out the door. “What about your dress?”
“I’ve gotta pick up a Wonderbolts poster, or a fruit basket, or a gold nugget, or something to apologize! I’ll be back later for my dress!” She said, dashing out the front door haphazardly slamming it behind her.
Applejack placed her hat back on her head with a satisfied smile, “Welp, I guess that’s that.”
Rarity shook her head disdain, “Not quite, she still hasn’t agreed to ask Rainbow out.” It’s our duty to make sure Rainbow is given a fair chance at love!”
“It is?”
The front door chimed again, this time a pony with an unruly pink mane bounded through the open door, “Hey Rarity, hey Applejack, whacha doin’?”
Rarity dashed towards her and placed a hoof around her shoulder, “Pinkie, what fortuitous timing! We need your help with something!”
“You do?”
“We do?” Applejack added, looking skeptical.
Rarity nodded, “Yes and yes! Pinkie, we need to borrow that flying machine of yours!”
Applejack threw her hooves out in protest, “Oh no you don’t! You’re not getting me on that crazy thing! I’m keeping my hooves on the ground where it’s safe!”
“Nevermind her then Pinkie, but you and I have to pay a visit to Rainbow’s house!”
“Okey dokey! Just say when and the Pinkie-copter will be ready for takeoff!” Pinkie said with a salute.
“How about now? I’ll fill you in on everything on the way,” Rarity said pushing the pink pony hurriedly to the door.
“Hey! Wait-what about my saddlebags?” Applejack called after them.
“I promise I’ll finish patching them up when I return! Toodles!”
Rarity hopped off what Pinkie called the “Pinkie-copter’” and onto the fluffy clouds below. She stumbled a bit before opening her mouth, half expecting to throw up after the crazy flight through the open sky. She felt a friendly hoof rub her back softly.
“You okay, Rarity?”
“Ugh, thanks for asking, Pinkie. I’ll be fine, I just haven’t cast magic that powerful in a while and please don’t take this the wrong way, but you aren’t the steadiest pilot.”
“Hey! My flying is not that bad!” Pinkie interjected, “And I don’t remember Twilight being that tired after casting the cloud walking spell on us.”
“Twilight’s special talent is magic. It’s only natural she would be better suited to casting such spells.” Rarity tussled her hair suggestively. “Of course, she could never stand hoof and shoulders with me in the fashion department.”
Not hearing a reply from her pink partner, she glanced up to see Pinkie bounding to Rainbow’s front door.
“Hey! Wait for me!” Rarity ran to catch up with the pink pony still trying to shake the fatigue and nausea from her system. She reached the front step just in time for Pinkie to push the doorbell. The faint sound of the chime could be heard outside as well as inside. Both ponies stood outside in silence waiting for any sort of acknowledgement.
“Maybe she’s not home.”
“No, she’s home,” Pinkie replied.
“How do you know that?” Rarity questioned, titling her head.
“Let’s just say my Pinkie sense says so, that way the author doesn’t have to justify me knowing!”
“Wait, wha-“
The door opened, interrupting Rarity’s train of thought and revealing a sleepy pegasus in her pajamas, her hair disheveled and her eyes still half-lidded.
Rarity backed up slightly. “Oh…my, uhhh, hello, Rainbow.”
Pinkie waved enthusiastically. “Morning!”
Rainbow let loose a massive yawn. “Hey guys, what’s up?”
“Did you call in to work today?” Rarity asked.
“Yeah, I kinda didn’t feel like going in so I asked the others to step in for me. I never use my vacation time anyway.”
Pinkie’s eyes lit up “Cool! So you’re playing hooky? I do that too sometimes, but I make sure not to tell anypony. Wait, I just told both of you! You two have to promise not to tell anypony!”
“Ummm sure, Pinkie,” Rainbow replied numbly looking back at Rarity. “So why did you two come up here anyway?”
Rarity hesitated. “Well…we heard about what happened between you and Twilight…”
Rainbow’s eyes flared up in anger, “What? You can’t be serious! First she turns me down, and now she’s bragging about it? When I get my hooves on her-”
“No, Rainbow. She wasn’t bragging at all. In fact when we pointed out how insensitive her words were, she felt absolutely dreadful. So awful in fact she rushed out immediately to find something to help make it up to you,” Rarity explained.
The anger faded in Rainbow’s eyes. She slumped against the door-frame, unwilling, or unable to stand on her own.
“Well I guess that’s something, but I still struck out. Like she said, her stupid studies are more important than me.”
“Rainbow Dash, you know that’s not true!" Rarity exclaimed. “Twilight has risked her life for us and has neglected her studies on several occasions just to spend time with us. A relationship is a big deal, I’m not sure she’s ready for such a big change so soon.”
Rainbow sat down dejectedly, her eyes aimed towards the ground. “Yeah, you’re right. I guess I can’t expect her to just throw everything aside for me. I’ll make up with her next time we’re in town. I just want everything to go back to normal.”
Pinkie leaned forward and pulled the pegasus into a hug in an attempt to cheer her up.
“You shall do nothing of the sort! I won’t let you give up that easy,” Rarity announced. Pinkie and Rainbow stared at her quizzically.
“What are you talking about?”
Rarity stomped her hoof. “I’m talking about you, Miss Rainbow Dash. Best young flier in Equestria. Coolest pony in Ponyville-”
“Coolest in Equestria!” Corrected Pinkie.
“Whatever! The point is, Rainbow Dash gets what she wants, and if what she wants is a date with Twilight Sparkle, then by Celestia, she’ll get a date with Twilight Sparkle!” Rarity finished her speech in what she hoped appeared to be a strong finish. It seemed to have worked as she could see a fire burning in Rainbow’s eyes.
“You’re right, Rarity! I need to buckle down and do what I always do! I need to work hard and not quit until Twilight goes out with me.” Rainbow announced rising to her hooves and puffing her chest out, “after I finish my nap, see ya later guys.”
Pinkie and Rarity stared as the door slammed shut in their faces.
“I think that went well,” Rarity said hesitantly. “Let’s get back to town.”
As both ponies walked back to Pinkie’s questionably-safe flying mechanism they remained silent. Rarity looked over and saw that her pink friend had a straight face, her brows furrowed in concentration.
Say, Pinkie…you got awfully quiet there, is something the matter?”
Pinkie blinked for a moment, seemingly snapped out of her daze, “Huh? No, I’m fine! Let’s go get some cupcakes from Sugarcube Corner!”
“Well… I really should get back to the boutique and finish those saddlebags for Applejack, but I suppose we could break for lunch. Cupcakes do sound like the perfect reward for a job well done.”
Twilight walked through Ponyville pondering what gift might be most appropriate given her current situation. After doing a few hours of research on proper gift giving for various situations, she felt she was ready to go find the perfect gift.
“OK Twilight, think! A really expensive item might imply too much behind the sentiment, but it has to be something appropriate given the situation. Maybe she would like a book outside of the Daring Do series?”
“Hey Twilight!”
“Eeek!” The unicorn face planted on the ground in surprise. Shaking off the sudden jolt, she looked up to the pink mare beaming a broad smile at her. “Pinkie, why don’t you just say hello like normal ponies?”
“Silly, if I just said hello you wouldn’t have jumped like you did!” The pink mare explained with a satisfied smile.
Twilight sighed, half in exasperation, half in amusement at her odd friend’s behavior. “I guess not huh? Too bad I don’t have a Twilight-sense to tell when you’re coming.”
Pinkie gasped in horror. “That would be awful! I could never pull off a surprise party if you had a Twilight-sense!”
Twilight slowly rose to her hooves and dusted herself off. “Aren’t you supposed to be working?”
“Nope! I always take off the first Monday of the second week of every other month! What are you doing?”
The unicorn blinked for a moment trying to process Pinkie’s statement before shaking it off, “I’m just looking for a gift for Rainbow. Nothing too fancy, just a small something.”
Pinkie bounced excitedly in place. “Oh! Can I come?”
“Well, I don’t have a problem with it, but you might get bored.”
Pinkie shook her head excitedly. “No way! Gifts make ponies smile, and I’m all about making ponies smile! What about you? Do you like making ponies smile?”
Twilight rolled her eyes at the inane question as she resumed her trek to the bookstore, “Of course I like making ponies smile.”
Pinkie bounced alongside the unicorn as they neared the shop. “What if I told you that you could make Rainbow really, really happy and it wouldn’t cost a single bit?”
“Really?” Twilight asked “How?”
“Take her out on a date silly!”
Twilight stared incredulously at her pink friend’s smile. “Wait a minute…have you been talking to anypony?”
“Maybe?”
“Listen Pinkie, I’m not ready for a relationship and if last night was any indication, it’s probably for the best that I don’t start one.”
“But you’re so smart! You always figure things out! Can’t you at least try?”
Twilight pushed Pinkie away gently. “It’s really nice of you to step up for Rainbow like this, but I’m not about to change my mind. See you later Pinkie.” The unicorn walked away leaving the pink mare behind. However, upon looking around, she realized she had passed the bookstore during her back and forth with the pink pony. Still needing to get to the store, she opted to go the long way around to avoid the hyperactive mare. Before she could get her bearings an orange pony trotted up to her wearing a smile.
“How’s it going there, Twi?”
“Oh, hey, Applejack, I’m doing good. I’m just heading to the bookstore to pick up something for Rainbow.”
Applejack shook her head. “Crazy ain’t it? Ah never imagined that knothead of a pegasus would enjoy reading. It was really shocking to see her try something new like that.”
“Tell me about it. She was so dead set against even trying that I thought she would never get to experience the feel of finishing a great novel.”
Applejack nudged her in the side with a wink, “Ah can think of somepony else who should try something new.”
The hairs on Twilight’s neck stood up, she had a feeling this conversation was going somewhere she wouldn’t like. “What do you mean?”
“Ah mean, ah think you should take her up on her offer. You never know unless you try, right?”
Twilight glared at the cowpony who soon started cowering at the murderous look in the unicorn’s eyes.
“I don’t know just what you and Pinkie hope to gain from this, but Rainbow and I are not going out and that’s final!” The unicorn trotted away from the pony, trying to put some distance between them.
After remembering her destination and realizing she had passed it up again she decided to just head back to the library to try and quiet her mind, which by now had begun to echo her friend’s sentiments.
“Yoo-hoo! Twilight darling!”
Looking around Twilight spotted the owner of the voice. Rarity stood outside her boutique holding the purple mare’s dress up for her to see. “It’s ready dear, and I know the perfect way for you to try it out.”
“It wouldn’t happen to involve taking a certain pegasus on a date would it?” Twilight asked, cutting her eyes suspiciously at the seamstress.
“I was thinking something more formal, but now that you mention it that would be a fine way to take it for a test run.” She said trotting over with the dress. Twilight pushed both the dress and the dressmaker back gently with her magic.
“No, no, no! I’m not going out with Rainbow and that’s final!”
Ponies all around them started murmuring and pointing to the sky. Twilight hesitantly dared a look upwards and immediately facehooved.
The words “Twilight will you go out with me?” were spelled out in clouds hanging lazily in the Ponyville sky. She saw Rainbow perched atop of the cloud forming the dot on the question mark, smiling down on her, seemingly waiting for an answer. Suddenly she realized everyone was looking at her, also waiting for an answer.
Twilight took off like a shot galloping out of town as fast as her hooves could take her. There was only one place left, one remaining refuge for her.
Running at full tilt she followed the lazy stream leading out of Ponyville until she came upon her destination.
Fluttershy’s homely cottage loomed ahead promising her a place of peace from the ponies that seemed intent on hooking her up with the brash pegasus.
Finally arriving at the front door of the cottage, she gave it a swift series of knocks, hoping the shy pegasus would come before anyone else could find her.
“Who is it?” a quiet voice asked from the other side of the large door.
“It’s me, Twilight!”
The door cracked open slightly, but before Fluttershy could react, the unicorn jumped inside and slammed the door shut behind her.
“Oh my, is something wrong Twilight?” Fluttershy asked, a bit ruffled from the sudden intrusion.
“Ummmm, not really, I just need a place to hide for a while. You don’t mind if I stick around for a little bit do you?”
Fluttershy smiled and shook her head. “Of course not, I always love having company. Would you like some tea?”
Twilight collapsed on the couch thankful for her friends hospitality. “No tea, thank you, but I wouldn’t mind some water, all this running has made me thirsty.”
"I'll be right back with some water then, ” Fluttershy said, disappearing into the kitchen.
Left to her own devices the unicorn looked at the birdhouses hanging above her from the ceiling, in some of the tiny homes she could even see eyes peering out at her, seemingly fearful of her sudden intrusion. Twilight’s eyes brightened as the yellow pegasus returned with a large glass of water.
“Oh thank you so much, Fluttershy. I’m not used to all that running.” She said putting the glass to her lips and taking a deep drink.
“Exercising is very important if you want to gain stamina. I have a great idea! Why don’t you ask Rainbow to help you train?”
Twilight spat her water into Fluttershy’s face at the mere mention of the pegasus’ name.
“Oh no, please don’t tell me she got to you too…”
Despite the water soaking her face and mane, Fluttershy managed a smile and sincere look at the purple unicorn,
“But Rainbow really wants to at least try going out. Can’t you at least try?” She asked fluttering her eyes sweetly.
Twilight jumped off the couch leaving the glass and pegasus both in her wake and threw open the front door to leave only to be greeted by four smiling faces belonging to her friends.
The unicorn stepped forward with a scowl and pushed her hoof into the Rainbow-maned pony’s chest.
“Fine! You get one, and only one date! If, and this is a big if, if that date goes well, maybe we can talk about something more permanent. Got it?”
Twilight stared at the cyan pony as her smile grew wider and wider. In a flash she took to the air like a bolt of lightning causing a sonic rainboom to explode across the mid-day sky, pleasantly surprising a few passer-byes.
Twilight stared pensively at the explosion of colors and shook her head, “What have I gotten myself into…”
I LOVE IT
its not sappy at all but more of a psychological torture romance
"The first Monday, of the second week, of every other month."
But there's only one Monday in a week!
Lol that was hilarious, on a serious-er note I like what your doin here. Not many romance stories where one character has to be convinced into it. Usually its mutual or the other is perfectly happy to give things a try but in this one it looks like Rainbow's gonna have to work at it, a nice change of pace.
686379 She is Pinkie Pie, why are you trying to apply logic to her?
I have to say I love this, I have read a lot of ships. and even written a bad on my self, and this seems real, I can see it playing in my head and I love it!! its so funny! you are doing a great job!
686379 Not for pinkie....
Now that's the way to get an answer!
And now for the all important first date, initiate operation TwiDash!
Great work, Keep at it :D
686319
I REALLY wanted to earn the comedy tag in this story and a frantic chase seemed a good way to do so.
686379
Good eye! i thought that might get overlooked completely, but 686584 and 686681 have the correct answer. I sometimes throw wordplay or references or logical fallacies like that in my stories, but i don't like to hit people over the head with them since it can jar a reader out of a story.
686471
Rainbow is nowhere near done working for it and shes gonna end up with more than a few bruises before it's over with. I like to try something new with every story i write, whether its a new pairing I've never attempted, or it's a new concept or characterization, i always try to do something new, at least to me. The one thing i see over and over again is Rainbow being the non-chalant, barely caring pony. i hope to portray a different side of her in this story, the side you see when her bravado fails her, (sonic rainboom) when she has genuine fear of being alone (mysterious mare do well), or simply just being caught off guard. (dragonshy)
i hope i can deliver on my intention.
686603
You might've picked up on it, but the most important thing to me is dialogue. if characters sound and interact right, people are usually able to see the story better which helps cover up my other flaws. If i lose the character in the way the ponies talk or treat each other, the whole thing falls apart.
687070
687103
Thanks! expect more as soon as i can get the next chapter into a shape i feel comfortable posting.
This chapter is better than it has any right to be thanks to Shadowsreached's editing. If you have the time it'd be nice to drop them a line and tell them how great of a job they did.
Starlitomega
Oh yes. I just know the date will be something over the top and Rainbow Dash styled to impress Twilight.
I imagined Twilight's face to look like this.
687298
Don't you know? Rainbow Dash always dresses in style!
*is killed by Rainbow Dash
Oh, and that's EXACTLY how i wanted Twilight to look in the reader's mind. I'm shocked, amazed, and pleasantly surprised at how well i've been communicating ideas with the reader. at least im doing a better job than i did in the first chapter.
Time to do a little Dragon's Dogma as a reward...
starlitomega
In have to say, I have no idea why the people who were complaining about last chapter were complaining at all. This is going GREAT so far, and I'm excited to see where it goes.
Nice! Although I hope this sad tag was for the first chapter...
TwiDash is best pony
687438 Oh you know that old saying. There's only way to go and that's up.
Enjoyed the story so far, keep up the good work. I eagerly await your next chapter.
First off, I love this chapter. It started a bit slow, but got better as it went. I also love the facehoofing
Anyway, with that said, let me now take issue with every little detail.
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111118000645/mlp/images/thumb/5/54/Twilight_angry_S1E15.PNG/640px-Twilight_angry_S1E15.PNG
You've got a couple of places where you've got two ENTERs between your paragraphs. You'll see them.
“Okey dokey! Just say when and the Pinkie-copter will be ready for takeoff!” Pinkie said with a salute.
You've got two spaces between "takeoff" and "Pinkie" ...speaking of which you might want to do that between every sentence since it's considered a classier stylist choice and can make reading your story easier.
“I promise I’ll finish patching them up when I return! Toodles!”
This made me laugh; would Rarity really say "Toodles"?
Indent all these:
Not hearing a reply from her pink partner, she glanced up to see Pinkie bounding to Rainbow’s front door instead.
The anger faded in Rainbow’s eyes. She slumped against the door-frame, unwilling, or unable to stand on her own.
Pinkie leaned forward and pulled the pegasus into a hug, attempting to cheer her up.
“OK Twilight, think! A really expensive item might imply too much behind the sentiment, but it has to be something appropriate given the situation. Maybe she would like a book outside of the Daring Do series?”
Twilight spat her water into Fluttershy’s face at the mere mention of the pegasus’ name.
Twilight stared at the cyan pony as her smile grew wider and wider. In a flash she took to the air like a bolt of lightning causing a sonic rainboom to explode across the mid-day sky, pleasantly surprising a few passer-byes.
Is it intentional that she says both "Ah" and "I" in this sentence?
“Ah mean, I think you should take her up on her offer. You never know unless you try, right?”
Extra Cap:
“No, she’s home.” Pinkie Replied.
Is the "a bit" at the end here awkward?
“How do you know that?” Rarity questioned, titling her head curiously a bit.
The comma after "gently" should bee a period. The period after "Pinkie" should be a comma. I kept seeing this mistake so I figured this would be a good place to point it out.
Twilight pushed Pinkie away gently, “It’s really nice of you to step up for Rainbow like this, but I’m not about to change my mind. See you later, Pinkie.” The unicorn walked away leaving the pink mare behind.
Some lines that made me laugh or a least smile broadly:
“Let’s just say my Pinkie sense says so, that way the author doesn’t have to justify me knowing!”
“Silly, if I just said hello you wouldn’t have jumped like you did!” The pink mare explained with a satisfied smile.
“Nope! I always take off the first Monday of the second week of every other month! What are you doing?”
“It’s ready dear, and I know the perfect way for you to try it out.”
"Cut one's eyes"? You use this a lot. I know what I means, but your stories are the only place I've seen this before. Perhaps it's just an odd gap in my experience. Do people say that where you come from?
hooves hooves:
Twilight took to her hooves galloping out of town as fast as her hooves could take her.
Finally arriving at the wooden door, she gave it a swift series of knocks, hoping the shy pegasus would come before anyone else could find her.
We all know the door is wooden. Why say so? God I'm finding a lot of little stuff for you to fix. The pettiness has been doubled! Anyway, just tell me when I've gone too far.
All told, it's very good both conceptually and character-wise.
I was smiling when I saw that Pinkie, Applejack, and Rarity were trying to get Twilight to say yes, but I burst out laughing when FLUTTERSHY did it.
691764
Those indents have been fixed.
as for the double spacing after sentences....
*cough,cough.
Double spacing between sentences is an evolutionary leftover from the way old typewriters work.
I think Rarity would say toodles as she pushes Pinkie out the door while dodging her duty of fixing Applejack's saddlebags. I would never use it in normal conversation though.
I keep trying to learn the rules for commas or periods in relation to dialogue and quotation marks, but for whatever reason it's not clicking with me! Is there some rule or some way to easily identify how to punctuate these?
I don't know about other regions, but in the south cutting your eyes at someone is widely known. Now that you mention it though, i've never read it any fanfic except mine. I think i'll keep using it for that reason alone.
"Finally arriving at the wooden door, she gave it a swift series of knocks,"
I threw that in because "Finally arriving at the door" Just seemed a little too short and needed something more. Wasn't the best choice though as you pointed out so i changed it to "Finally arriving at the front door of the cottage." I think it reads better.
Ya know, i made the choice of not sending you my stories because i figured you might be busy with your own writing, much to my chagrin you just pre-read it after i published it.
Not that I'm complaining, these errors are much better snuffed out than left in.
As for your own writing, look at how many mistakes i'm still making! The only thing you can do is keep plugging away, and keep improving yourself, i have faith you'll keep getting better, i mean hell, you have more likes on one of your stories than i do on any of mine. Just keep fighting.
692242
I knew that some people would probably see Fluttershy doing that ahead of time, but my hope was that because she hadn't been mentioned in the story yet, and Twilight had JUST escaped from the others that it might make sense that Fluttershy's cottage would be a safe zone.
I then wanted to flush that idea down the toilet
Glad you're enjoying it so far, I'm working on the next chapter as we speak!
Starlitomega
692517
My bro glanced over and asked me why I was typing so much in a comment. I told him I was "post-reading" your fic. He said I should just PM you so all of the criticism wasn't out there for everyone to see, but the trollish part of me felt like putting it there anyway. I can PM you this kind of stuff in the future if you'd prefer.
Yeah, I'd love to preread for you.
There are only three things I do with my life right now:
1. Work (45 hours a week)
2. Distance Running (5 hours a week)
3. Pony stuff (the rest)
Bottom line is: I've got the time to help people out.
Oh, and I checked the article link you gave me.
Fair enough. My only reference for that was that a high school teacher told me to write like that (I never ended up picking up the habit though). Also I saw that Celestia Hates Tea was written like that and that dude seemed like he know what he was doing. I've never had to look up so many vocab words while reading a fan fic.
692561
I don't mind the corrections being put in the comments for two reasons:
1. It shows someone cares enough to help me improve.
2. It shows that I'm ok with constructive criticism and that i genuinely do want this to be the best story i can make it.
As for the double spacing, my old editor from back when i was writing enthusiast press would always redline that and put to the side "stop it!" There's enough people on both side of the coin though that I don't believe anyone will really go off on you for doing it.
Thanks for your help!
starlitomega
This is refreshing / awesome.
692517
an easy way to remember how to punctuate with quotation marks is that commas or periods always go before the quotation mark
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Well that is helpful and i'll keep that in mind when i pick up the chapter again tonight, but it's still a crapshoot in my head wether or not i need to to put a period or comma before or after the dialogue. if you have the time, can you help with a few examples?
“Um, yes…Yes I did.” Rarity replied, moving her head slightly back to increase the space between them.
I think i did this right since the dialogue is done, but since the entire sentence keeps going i naturally want to use a comma.
“It’s not really that big of a deal,” Twilight said, stepping forward and placing the dress on the table,” I just wanted to see if you could take up the dress a bit, I’ve lost a little weight since the Grand Galloping Gala and it doesn’t seem to fit as well as it should now.”
I'm quite sure i screwed this one up. that first sentence should end in a period, shouldn't it?
Ugh, this crap is confusing.
733894
between a quotation and the speaker tag(the thing that shows you who's speaking), there is a coma, because it is part of the same sentence, so your instincts were correct, the sentence should be
“Um, yes…Yes I did,” Rarity replied, moving her head slightly back to increase the space between them.
the second sentence you gave, has to do with what is probably the hardest rule in punctuation with quotation
when dialog is interrupted by the speaker tag, and possibly an action, you do one of two things,
1) if the speaker tag interrupts a thought/sentence then the speaker tag is set off by comas, and the first letter of the second part of the dialog is lower case (excluding when the first word is a proper noun or 'I')
example
"Do you know," she said, "the muffin man?"
2) if the speaker tag does not interrupt a thought/sentence, then the is a coma before the speaker tag, and end it with a period and start the second part of the quote with a capital letter.
example
"All the water guns are filled," he stated. "How are the water balloons coming?"
note I have no idea where those example sentences came from....
744653
When it came to describing Rainbow's nervousness level, i was counting on people having seen "Read it and weep." That episode clearly outlines that she can't stand to be grounded and pneumonia is certainly an illness that would keep a pegasus grounded.
I debated on whether or not AJ would know what the outward feathers of a pegasus wings were called and i finally decided it would be OK for two reasons:
1. I like to make Applejack smarter than she seems since some fics portray her as a little thick.
2. There isn't much of it here YET, but in this fic Applejack and Rainbow have some history. I'll leave it there for now to avoid giving too much away.
You're absolutely right about the nose thing. It's better suited to Rarity. I was trying to channel two scenes from the show where Applejack, to great effect, does something similar. Unfortunately she doesn't actually turn her nose in the air, she more or less closes her eyes and scrunches her face a bit. I'll alter this to make it more appropriate.
". . . Couldn't really tell how awkward Rainbow Dash made her response. A bit of stammering, expressions of bewilderment, and useful triple dot placement could show it."
Gah! I should've totally caught that! Sorry!
Thanks for your feedback! I'll keep all of this in mind as i move forward and especially in the upcoming chapter that last bit is especially needed!
I just gotta say.
I'm in love.
Don't. Stop. [BELIEVIN', DUN DUNNN]
They're watching you, twilight
3210866
remove " mark.
________________________
needs beginning " marks.
________________________
Well as they say, sling enough mud at a wall and some will eventually stick. I'm happy that Dash has so many good Wingmares in her corner.
Oh don't tell me this is going to have a Pinkie with a broken heart like in Winds of the Past (one of my favourite TwiDash stories, btw)!
Umm...so, are we doing an Evil Dead thing here, but instead of Twilight's flesh...actually, now that I think about it, in the long run, Rainbow eventually will want Twilight's...