"...and so after that The Great & Powerful Trixie will move onto card tricks followed by..."
A very bored looking jasmine coated pegasus sat at a cafe by Ponyville park, staring somewhat blankly across the table at her perpetually overdressed unicorn friend as she yammered on about some upcoming performance she was planning. Casting her gaze about the pavilion, Raindrops observed that most of the tables were empty. It was well enough past high noon and there was even an angled tarp in place to shield patrons from the sun as it proceeded in its descent, yet it seemed even these months later most ponies were still slow to come out of their midday seclusions, unwilling to take any chances. Not for the first time since the meal began, Raindrops considered if she should have done the same.
Returning her gaze to the plate in front of her, the pegasus sighed as she poked absently at the food, though she thought describing it as food might be rather generous, having made what should have been the rather obvious mistake of letting her companion order for the both of them. It had seemed reasonable enough at the time and Trixie was paying, plus Raindrops could scarcely interpret the fanciful script on the menu, if it had even been written in Equestrian in the first place. She should still have known better, given the unicorn's rather, unique, tastes. This of course had done nothing to improve Raindrop's mood for the day.
"Remind me again why it is that you had to get me to be the one to go over all of this with you?" she interrupted the azure coated mare who had just gone into something about boxes and sawing ponies in half.
"Is that not plainly obvious?" Trixie replied, in that tone which carried just the barest trace of haughtiness, not quite enough to make it sound like she was actually talking down to anypony, but enough to make one feel almost justified slapping her upside the head anyway. "I need somepony to give me completely honest feedback on the routine. As such you would seem to be the most natural choice considering..." she trailed off letting the basic truth of the matter go unsaid, "Besides, Lyra still isn't much for talking to me."
"Yeah, yeah, I get all that," sighed Raindrops with exasperation, purposely trying to ignore that Trixie had just bluntly admitted to only talking with her as a second choice, "but it's not like I've got much of an idea what would make a good performance in the first place."
Trixie chuckled with that distinctive trill of hers. "But don't you see, that's exactly what makes you an ideal sounding board. Staging a good performance isn't science, but pure art. It's not about technical requirement, but the emotional response of the audience."
Raindrops gave Trixie a halfcocked sideways glance. "Don't know if you noticed, but emotional responses aren't exactly my strong suit," then added in a mutter, "Not the good kind at least."
"Oh stop glowering. What's got you in such a sour mood anyway? I hope you aren't still brooding over the whole Winter Wrap-Up mess. You've hardly even touched your food."
Gee I wonder why, she thought to herself as she gave another glance at the so-called food in front of her. Still, as much as she hated to admit it Trixie had a point and it would be unfair to try to pin all the blame on this disappointment of a meal. "I've lived in Ponyville long enough to have seen worse Wrap-Ups. As bad as this year may have seemed, last year was even worse, but it is work related. You see Rainbow Dash has ──"
"Oh please," Trixie cut in, "that's hardly anything new now is it."
"Well yeah, but it's worse than usual. She blew off her entire shift yesterday. Not just got a late start, not just rushed through the work then take the rest of the day off, but outright skipped the whole shift. And then this morning ──"
Her rant was cut abruptly short with a, "Tut-tut, you can worry about that on your own time. Now then, where was Trixie... oh yes..."
Trixie resumed her spiel, but in short order her less than enthusiastic audience was no longer listening. Not just because the unicorn was being infuriatingly dismissive, again, but because Raindrops attention was instead focused solely on an errant cloud that was slowly drifting by overhead, a cloud sporting a rather distinctive multi-hued tail.
As she stood from her seat, spreading her wings, Raindrops made no attempt to excuse herself. So focused on her goal as she ascended, she hardly even noticed as Trixie cried out a protest. No, she had more important matters to attend to as she set her eyes fixedly on Ponyville's lead weathermare, unsurprisingly engaged in her second favorite pastime, napping. "Rainbow Dash!" she bellowed, "So this is where you've been hiding. It's bad enough when you leave the rest of us to cover for your lazy flank, but this cloud was supposed to be on the south side of town a good hour ago."
The lazily reclining pegasus waved a forehoof in a dismissive acknowledgment, not even bothering to open her eyes as she yawned out a response, "Yeah, yeah. I'll get right on that just as soon as I finish getting another few winks."
Raindrops eyed her quarry coldly and let out a single brief snort.
Rainbow Dash opened a single eye and sighed, "You're not going to drop this are you?" A beat passed as neither pegasus said a word or made a motion until, "Fine!" she groaned just before rolling off of the cloud, catching herself mid free fall before slowly flapping her way back up as she rubbed the sleep from her magenta eyes, "but you have to help me move it."
For just a moment Raindrops balked. It was hardly like her boss to ask for assistance, especially for a task so trivial as moving a single cloud. No doubt she was just being grumpy from having her nap disturb. Still, if it meant getting things back on schedule and hopefully getting the weather manager back into the patrol station for the rest of the afternoon it would be worth the minor trouble.
With a shrug and only the barest hint of a glower, Raindrops flew over. She placed each of her forehooves against the cloud, not even waiting for Rainbow Dash to do the same, she knew all too well what definition of help was expected and had no patience for playing games at the moment. No sooner had she started to push the cloud then a pair of claws burst out of it grabbing hold of each of her hooves, then before Raindrops had time to figure out what was happening a sharp beaked maw burst forth and let out a deafening roar into her face.
────────────────────────────────
My little pony, My little pony
Ahh ahh ahh ahhh...
My little pony
Friendship never meant that much to me
My little pony
But you're all here and now I can see
Stormy weather; Lots to share
A musical bond; With love and care
Teaching laughter; It's an easy feat
And magic makes it all complete!
You have my little ponies
How'd I ever make so many true friends?
Well here it is my first every story. Never figured my first posting would amount to a fanfic of a fanfic, but inspiration is what it is. I'd ask that readers be gentle with any critiques, but I'll never learn if folks pull their punches.
For those familiar with the Lunaverse, I'll put forward that this story was originally conceived and written to take place some time in the spring prior to the events of Boast Busted, however, that timeframe seems to have become a little crowded since then.
As such, I'm considering making revisions to adjust it's chronological placement,though crowded doesn't mean impossible to fit, and given my tendency to plan and re-plan till I've over-planed yet accomplished nothing, I figured I'd best get at least the current version out the door. Edit: Placement has now been finalized, it comes after the as of yet undocumented Winter Wrap-up, but before Fizzy Orange's File Under 'I' for 'Impossible'. If you haven't already read that go do so, NOW!Fun Fact: When I typed this story I had to fight very hard against the constant escape effort of my 'n' and 'm' keys. I really need to fix/replace my keyboard.
Yep, that's a cut above canon!Rainbow's usual level of pranking, at least outside the confines of Nightmare Night. You've captured Raindrops's frustration very well here.
... Okay, that's a bit worse than usual from Dash.
You didn't describe what Trixie ordered. Was it pinecones?
671034
To be perfectly honest, I never decided. I might add that into a future revision, or not. Raindrops is the perspective character and she really doesn't quite know what's on her plate other than that Trixie claims that it's delightful. If it helps your imagination, the café was supposed to be French (or fancy as they say in ponyville), something I apparently neglected to make as clear as intended. Also, also given Lunaverse Trixie tastes in other stories, the food is probably a mix of two or more dishes that don't normally go together.
Good opening! There's a slight run-on sentence in the second paragraph, but otherwise I didn't find any problems. Good Trixie, and I think it's best if the identity of the 'food' remain ambiguous.
An interesting start, but it could use quite a bit of proofreading. I'd be happy to help, if you'd like to polish this story, as well as any future efforts on your part.
719736
Well, I've already implemented a fair amount of proofing advice that another reader gave me for chapters 2 and 3, but who didn't seem to have as much to say about chapter 1. I'd love to get any additional opinions and insights you have to offer though so that I can make this fic as good as it can possibly be.
719754
"yet it seemed even these months later..." Awkward. Perhaps 'even after all these months'
"It had seemed reasonable enough at the time, Trixie..." replace the comma with a semicolon.
"... if it had even been written in equestrian..." Equestrian in this instance is being used as a language. As such, it is a proper noun.
"she interrupted the azure coted mare.." Dropped a letter. Should be coated.
"Is that not plainly obvious" needs a question mark.
"...almost justified slapping her upside the head any way." Justified in slapping, and anyway, not any way.
"Trixie chuckled with that distinctive trill of hers, "but don't you see..." Comma should be a period. But should be capitalized. You do the same thing in the next paragraph with Raindrops speaking. Also 'then added in a muter', mutter has two t's.
"I've lived in ponyvill long enough..." Ponyville is a proper noun, and is capitalized. Also it has an e.
"And then this mourning---" Wrong morning, dear.
"So focused on her goal as she ascended..." Should either be 'She was so focused...' or 'So focused was she...'.
"No she had more important...' Should be a pause between No and she. No, she had more important matters...
"...in her second favorite pass time, napping." Should be pastime: napping.
"Rainbow Dash!" she bellowed, "so this is where..." So should be capitalized.
"yeah, yeah. I'll get right on that..." First yeah should be capitalized.
"...from having her nap disturb, still, if it meant..." Should be 'from having her nap disturbed. Still, if it meant...'
"She place each of her..." should be placed.
I may have missed some, as I am somewhat tired from a long day. But that should make things much easier to read.
724548
Excellent, and thank you very much. I kept a few things as is. I'll claim stylistic preference as my excuse, but overall this was very helpful. Just in time too, as RDD put up a Lunaverse continuity blog post that could mean this fic might be picking up traffic in the near future. So again, thank you.
Putting the opening at the end of the chapter. That's new.
1075837
I tried to write this story like an actual episode. Somewhere along the line, for flow and pacing purposes, I also decided to present the opening teaser and act-1 as separate chapters. So it was a matter of placing the intro either at the end of Ch1 or the start of Ch2.
Needs more commas
Ooooo... Love the color coding in the song!
2345841
Thank you. I find the colors really help make the song stand out, and it's something I always do with songs in my fics.
I normally hate color letters, and anything that is not plain text (images, video , etc) because i think it ruins the inmersion and bludgeons the world you ahve imagined to death......i think you are proving me wrong
Liking this story so far. And this is probably old news by now, but the coloured text for the song was a nice surprise.
6063973
Yeah, I always try to offset songs in colored text. I think it helps make them stand out more and adds to the experience. Also makes a very convenient shorthand for when there are multiple singers.
Anyway, glad your enjoying the story so far.
6064099
Yeah. Definitely something to keep in mind when I do something similar to this.
Also, almost done here, and I have to say, I really love your re-take on this episode (since it's kinda the least of the bad episodes in Season 1).
Yeah... Gilda got a hoof to face.
media.giphy.com/media/UJlfYFegJjRoA/giphy.gif
9110022
Any idea where that clips from? XD