Chapter Three: Monster, Definitely
{Twilight's POV}
I was sitting in Lisa's living room. Even though it appeared that Lisa had healed, she still hadn't waken up. My friends and I were really worried about her. It seemed that whatever allowed her to heal could heal her skin fast, but that was just to stop the bleeding. Her innards were a different story. Although her organs were healing too, it seemed that it would take a lot longer. To top it off, she was in some sort of, hibernation state, and nothing would wake her up until she was fully healed. I couldn't tell if that was a natural reaction that her body had, or if she had been in that much pain. We tried to speed up her healing, but her body would just devour the magic like it was food, and it just kept her from getting hungry. So, to keep her fed, we just kept giving her healing magic. It had been a couple days since Lisa had fought the rake. She seemed to be getting better, so I wasn't too worried. Of course, for the first two days I had constant panic attacks but, that was normal for any person, right? Right?
"Twilight?"
"EEK!" I screamed.
"Oh sorry," I heard Celestia say. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine," I replied with a sheepish smile. "You just surprised me. I was deep in thought." Celestia smiled.
"Well I just wanted to tell you some good news," Celestia said. "Lisa is recovering nicely. She might even be able to wake up today."
"That's great!" I yelled in excitement. Celestia nodded.
"By the way, where's Applejack and Rainbow Dash?" Celestia asked.
"Huh? Oh, they went back to Ponyvile to get some food," I said.
"Hmm, I hope that monster Lisa fought doesn't come after them." Celestia says with worry.
"Don't worry," I said. "Lisa said that for some reason, that monster doesn't like daylight, and it's a beautiful day out. They should be fine." Celestia nodded.
"I certainly hope so. Well this has been fun but I believe I have to leave now," she said as she walked away. I nodded.
"Bye Celestia!" I said. She waved goodbye, got on her chariot, and left. I decided to check up on Lisa. When I got into her room, she was still sleeping peacefully. I can't belive that just a few days ago, she looked like she had seen the worst. She had been all cut up and damaged, but now she looked like she was fine, from the outside at least. Inside, I knew she was still beat up pretty bad. But, the doctors said that she'd make a full recovery, and she might even wake up today! I hope she will. No one had gotten the chance to thank her for saving Celestia. Pinkie would probably throw her the biggest "Welcome-to-Ponyville-and-thank-you-for-saving-Celestia-party" ever. I can only hope Lisa likes parties. I then heard the door open.
"Hello?" It was Applejack. I went to the living room.
"Hey girls," I said happily.
"Hey Twi," Rainbow said. They both had saddle bags full of food.
"How's Lisa doing?" Applejack asked.
"A lot better," I answered. "In fact, she might actually wake up today!"
"That's great!" Applejack said.
"I know right?" I said.
"Hey where's everypony else?" Rainbow asked
"Well, Rarity went to chew out those newspaper guys for what they said about Lisa, Pinkie went to prepare Lisa's party in advance for when she'd be able to come to Ponyvile, Fluttershy went to check on her animals, and Celestia had to head back to Canterlot."
"Oh," Rainbow replied. They brought the food to the kitchen. Lisa's friend stopped teleporting us food. How do I know? Well, the last batch of food he sent us came with a note. It said that the rake wouldn't bother us for a while, and he had other important things he needed to take care of. Something about sending a dragon and a robot to another dimension. Anyways, now that the rake was gone, we could get our own food. It seemed kind of rude to do that, but I'm sure that other business he had was just as important. After putting all of the food away, we all sat in the living room and started to watch a movie. I had only seen movies in the human world, so I was really excited when Lisa showed us that she had movies. We were watching a movie called Pitch Perfect. Lisa said it was one of her favorites, so we tried it out. It was actually pretty good. The music was good, and the jokes were really funny. Though, some of them I didn't get. By the time the movie was done, the sun had started to dip into the horizon.
"I wonder where Rarity is." Rainbow Dash said.
"She said she was going to come back," I said with worry.
"Ah'm sure she's fine," Applejack said. Then we all heard a scream. It sounded like Rarity!
"Oh yeah, she sure sounds fine," Rainbow said as we all ran out the door. The sun had gone down by this point, and the moon was high in the sky. It had officially become night. I could only hope that nothing we couldn't handle was chasing Rarity. We were about to make it to the edge of the forest, when Rarity ran out. She was being chased by, no, it couldn't be. It was the rake. But how? Lisa's friend had said that the rake wouldn't be bothering us for a while! Then, a second one came out. Followed by a third, and a fourth. So Lisa's friend ment that specific rake. Well ponyfeathers. Rarity came running into the clearing, the rakes chasing after her. However, once they got in, some sort of barrier stopped them from getting in any further. More and more came, and they started to punch and claw at the barrier, voicing their maddened roars of protest. Rarity ran up to us.
"Rarity are you okay?" I asked.
"Yes I'm fine," she replied, fear evident in her voice. "But those things almost got me!"
"Don't worry, that barrier should hold them," Rainbow Dash said. Then we heard a crack. I looked to the closest rake. I could see a crack in the barrier. It was getting weaker.
"What?" Rarity said. "How are they breaking the barrier?" I thought about it for a second. That barrier was super strong, and was completely made of magic, so how were they damaging it? Unless, I took another look at that rake. Unlike the others, he was biting the barrier, not scratching it. That was it! Like Lisa, these things could eat raw magic. And the whole barrier was made of raw magic! The others took notice of what that on rake was doing, and they started to do the same. The cracks on the barrier were getting bigger and bigger. Eventually, part of it broke. After that, eating the barrier became easy. More and more of the barrier was getting devoured. soon, there was a large enough hole for some of the rakes to fit through. As they started to walk in, we ran to the house. Then more spots where the rakes could walk in started to appear around the whole cabin, and one ran in. It cut us off, and we had to stop. One by one, they all flooded in. We were surrounded.
"Twilight, what do we do?" Applejack asked in fear.
"I... I don't know." I looked at the rake in front of me. It lifted up it's hand, and swung. I closed my eyes, ready for the pain. It never came. I opened my eyes, and saw the rake was frozen in place. All of them had stopped. The rake that had just tried to attack me, had a tendril of darkness, right through it's chest. The dark tentacle threw the rake into the air, grabbed it's body, then ripped it in half, and threw the pieces into the crowed of rake's. I looked behind me, and saw Lisa. But, something didn't feel right. When I looked at her, I felt like I was looking at a monster, not my newest friend.
"GET. AWAY. FROM. MY. FRIENDS!" She said each word slowly, and shouted the last one. Her tandrils of darkness dived out and spun, knocking away all of the rakes. She then looked down at us.
"You four, inside, now." she said.
"Lisa?" I asked.
"I said NOW!" she yelled. I flinched, but nodded. The girls and I ran past the rake that were still getting up. As I ran, I heard Lisa say something.
"Okay you pathetic excuse for monsters," she said. A cut suddenly appeared on her face. The cut then opened up to make a blood filled mouth. "Let's have some fun!" The rakes all roared at her and charged. She roared back and leaped into the air. She dived into the back of monsters, and started ripping them apart. She was merciless. Crushing their heads, legs, arms, ripping them in half or ripping off body parts. She was laughing in insane glee, and roaring like the rakes. At least whenever she killed one, they didn't have blood in them. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I would have thrown up five times at least. I came to one conclusion. This was not Lisa. This was some, monster that shared her body, but that was not her. She had killed half of them in about two minuets. She wouldn't stop killing them. She didn't even leave the ones that were trying to leave alive. After four minutes, she had killed them all. She was just, standing there. She then looked to the sky and let out a terrifying roar. Then, the cut that made her blood filled mouth disappeared, and she fell to the ground. We ran outside to her.
"LISA!" We all cried.
"Are you okay?" I asked once we got to her. She sat up and shook her head.
"Yeah yeah I'm fine," she said. She then noticed the bodies around her. "Whoa, what happened here?"
"Um, you did," I answered.
"What?" she asked. "What do you mean by that?"
"Well, all of these rakes got in, and they tried to attack us," I began. "Then suddenly, you were here, and you attacked them. You had this cut that acted like a mouth, and you fought like you were a puppet that was being controlled by something else."
"A cut?" She said. "And I fought like a puppet? Hmm." She sat there and thought for a minute. Then realization hit her face. "Oh, oh no, oh no no no. S-She didn't hurt any of you did she?"
"No s- wait, she?" I asked. Lisa sighed.
"Look, remember when I said that I was a nightmare that kept other nightmares away?"
"Yeah,"
"Well, there's a reason for that. You see, for as long as I've been here, there's always been something else."
"Like what?"
"Well, you see all of those other monsters right?" We all nodded. "Well, I'm supposed to be like them."
"What do you mean?"
"Those monsters were born like that. But I wasn't born here, I wasn't always like this."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not ready to tell you yet. Let's just say I used to be, something else. Anyways, when I first got here, I heard this voice in my head, telling me to be like those other monsters. To just kill for no reason. I eventually tuned it out, and it stopped bugging me. But every once in a while, my inner monster comes out, usually in a fit of rage or want to protect something. When that happens, I lose control, and she goes on a rampage."
"Who's she?" Rainbow asks.
"Her name is Slender Woman, and she is my inner monster." We all gasp.
"That's terrible," Rarity says.
"It's not so bad," Lisa replies sadly. "At least she stopped fighting for control a long time ago. And she only comes when it's really bad. Otherwise, she keeps to herself."
"Are you going to be okay?" I asked.
"Y-Yeah I.. I'll, be f-fine," she said. She sounded like she was about to cry. "It's just that, the last time this happened, I hurt.. no, I killed someone who was close to me." She started to cry. The girls and I hugged her as she cried. We took her inside, and sat her down on her couch. We made her some soup, and brought it o her.
"T-Thanks girls," Lisa said. "Sorry for breaking down, I just, never wanted to remember what happened all those years ago."
"It's okay dear," Rarity said. "If I was in your position, I would be acting the same way if not worse."
"Yeah," Applejack said. "You're handling this a whole lot better than Ah ever would." She nodded and ate her soup. We spent the night at her house again so we could be there for her. After all, for something like that, no one should be alone for it.
6279329 yes, yes there will be one.
Hey, it could be something additional that the merchant did. After all, it has turned from a being of cruelty and hunger into a sort of guardian monster that has no limits or compunctions about restraint, but nothing will help you if you anger it. Sort of like a mother bear. Normally, fairly docile if extremely cautious, but harm what she values, and do you want a cedar box, a pine box, a tiny urn, or a metal box to hold your remains? Because there isn't going to be enough left to justify a coffin.
Why make her soup? she can't eat it.
How?! How'd she do that?! She doesn't have a mouth!
Great chapter. Will there be other monster that Lisa will fight.
I... would like totally bang that Slenderwoman in the picture.
*puts story in Read Later for reasons*
6279763 It's only movies and books, and it was given to her by her powerful friends who I wont say who it is until either he/she is reviled or until someone guesses it's him. Otherwise she has to get food, money, and all of that stuff herself. Also, the mane six knew that Lisa saved the CMC, and have also learned to not judge on appearance, but on deeds.
6279796 that was already answered when she told them she does not know how she drinks coffee.
6279882 well, Celestia knows not to judge on appearance. She has also never seen something like that before, so she didn't know how it would act. Also, if the monster you were hunting was fighting another monster, and the end result would probably kill them both, wouldn't you take that chance?
6279896 maybe.
6280086 NOPE!
6280112 what? Why?
My answer is Marx
6280307 Yeah probably.
6280440 I don't know.
6274311 Yeah, that's a problem with a lot of this stories. They think the story for like the first 3 chapters and then they don't know what to do with they self insert omnipotent mary sue.
I will give this story a chance. I hope the author has a game plan that won't derail.
At first when I read rake I thought the rake you use to rake up leafs not the monster LOL
One of the biggest pitfalls of this story is pacing. and to much telling, and not enough showing. I'm not feeling much emotion from the characters, their reactions to the events.
But, if you work it right, the concept has promise, and I'll be honest, reading something that looks like someone actually used spellcheck on it is a godsend.
6280529
i.gyazo.com/1980d94951c986763df94716e9721dcc.jpg
6280112
i.imgur.com/RaG3Vfm.jpg?1
Madness this mediocre doesn't end
The more I read this the more I want Lisa to meet Symbol Shattered
6280112 There are no brakes... on the displaced train.
Will slenderman be making an appearance?
6282296 I have no idea.
Love the take on the story a new outlook on an older subject is always amazing
It is SlenderMAN, not SlenderLADY and that is a scientific fact!
6283121 what?
Good idea of a story, but you REALLY need an editor.
A VERY good editor. Not one that will just do minor grammatical touch-up, but someone willing to re-write this story. It has next to NO details at all.
Remember in Language Arts class where they say to "Show, don't tell"?
You only tell, you don't show.
6283618 agreed
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this story also has a cliche Goody Two-Shoes character that has no character flaws whatsoever and has an evil darkside.
there is no build up, supposedly shocking or emotional parts are underwhelming or just plain out uninteresting and rushed
for example:
that is too overdramatic, they had already seen her inner monster and should not be shocked by her name at all, axept if "slender woman" was either a well known monster or (less likely but) a friend to them, or at least met them once.
then there is some grammar issues too, your paragraph's seem to be split randomly, a paragraph needs to be split when either when the narrator or the character start explaining/talking about other stuff
this story was interesting in the idea alone but the structure and the passing of the story are bad, I will keep tabs on this story but for now it gets a thumbs down.
and forgive me if I was wrong about any of the corrections as I am not a writing genius myself and english is not my first language so it clashes with some writing rules in my country.
I hope this story gets better, I really do, I hate making these kind of comments.
6279796 Same way she drank...
6284600 true, true. But, well, weirder stuff has happened in Equestria right?
There's your story. Glad you found it.
I am kind of disappointed by the separation between Lisa and the monster. It would be a lot more interesting if that was just the way Lisa was. There's a kind of... thrilling bloodlust that some people have. Good people, ordinary people. Put them in the right situation, though, and I think the analogy to mother bears writes itself.
I would love so much to read an arc that starts when Lisa showed up in the forest, all alone and confused, and has to fight for her life. She wins, but the adrenaline, the fear, that heady rush that comes when you really push yourself, she finds that she kind of likes it. As she carves out her home and protects part of the forest, she finds that she doesn't mind defending her territory, and gradually, that she actually enjoys it. Cue a lot of wondering about if she really is turning into a monster, and trying to hide how vicious she can be from more innocent and docile creatures. Eventually I see a moment of tearful recognition at what she's become when small animals flee from her approach, followed by resolved acceptance at what she is.
That is a story I'd like to read.
6285152 don't worry, things tame a turn for the worse for her. And the past will be revisited so it's not that I'm glossing it over, I'm saving it for later. Her convenient friend thing will also be explained later. Don't worry, I wont blow any of that off. Just saving it for a reflective moment.
6285173 like I said to someone else, the past will be revisited, when it was hard for her. I'm just saving all of that till a moment of reflection, where I think it would all work best.
This story is not all that great. It's OKAY, but it's not great. It doesn't deserve front page, and I have a feeling it's only there because "slendy lul"
no offence to you, writer, but it's not that great of a story, written wise. The pacing is a bit... wibbly wobbly.
6285307 this is only the beginning. Stick around, the direction this story will take may shock you.
6285241 Found something to illustrate my point.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/10/menace.html
That is an entirely innocent, uncorrupted four-year-old. That is what happens when said innocent, uncorrupted four-year-old puts on the guise of a monster. There is no, "good" child clearly separable from the, "bad" whatever-this-is. It's all mixed up in a muddled mess.
I like it enough to follow it, but please, show don't tell. You don't need to put "I said" "she said" "we heard" "we saw" "I saw" etc after every little thing that happens.
And it's first person right? That means you should barely ever need to say these things unless there is no other way to write it; characters don't add "she said" after everything anyone says to them in their head.
A good editor would be able to fix that, but it's a lot of work.
You need to exchange the "a" there with a "e" so it´s "tendrils".
You are missing a "t" before that "o".
I honestly tried my best to like this story. I've had the pleasure to assist in the editing for an excellent Displaced fic in the past, so I'm not prejudiced against them. I'd seen the fic floating around the front page for a while, and I'd read the comments. I decided to give it a shot.
I honestly couldn't make it past the first few paragraphs of the second scene. I'm not one to sugar coat things, but I also don't feel like brutal honesty is a good alternative when it hurts more than it helps. So I will try to keep this fair and open.
The editing is poor, the pacing is way too fast even in just the first scene, and the characterizations fall flat. I feel like the Displaced is already lining up to be a Mary Sue. From calling it "My forest," to immediately healing the wound, to knowing Applejack and having potentially been able to save her parents, it all screams "SUE!" at me.
I can't see a hook in the description at all that tells we where the story is going. All I know is a Displaced fic where a human looks like a bad guy but is actually nice on the inside. That's not a hook or a plotline. That's a formula. The fact that it's a female main character is interesting, but it's not enough to differentiate it from all of the other stories I have seen with almost the exact same plot, as the description implies it. I realize that you are trying to keep the story open, but I honestly can't see a reason to stick around until you reveal the actual plot.
It seems to me that this is a story that just wanted to get featured and nothing else. That's not a bad thing, per se, but I feel like it doesn't live up to the tradition of, say, "I Will hunt You Down," a Displaced fic that has a similar plotline but hooked me from the beginning.
It may seem unfair that I am judging the story based on less than two scenes. Sure, the fic could potentially become the greatest bit of writing since "Green Eggs and Ham" in the next chapter. But I'll never know, because I have no drive to continue.
Author, this is just my opinion. I would encourage you to keep writing! Practice makes perfect, and even the best authors on the site needed time and effort to get where they are. I know that I still need practice too! Consider consulting different groups around editors, reviewers, or the School for New Authors. You may find some tips and tricks that would help you improve this story and bring the readers into your world.
I will not downvote because I did not read it fully, and also because that's just not my style. I wish you the best of luck with this fic and with all of your other projects!
~Doc
6285853 Right sorry, old habits.
6285954 auto correct. I'll fix it.
6286049 my auto correct sucks. When I want it to work, it doesn't when I don't, it does. It's really frustrating!
6286396 by the way, thanks for the corrections. If you want, my editor spot is open.
6287286
No problem! And thanks for the offer, but I have my hooves full with my own fic right now, so I'm out of the editing game for a while.
6290431 don't worry I got another person to be my editor.
6290467
Good luck!
6294120 how do you know,it could still be the rake.
6294439 it's not.