Chapter Four: The Past
{Lisa’s POV}
I woke up the next morning to a beautiful day. Maybe this time it would stay that way. I walked into the living room to see Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash sleeping on and around the couch. I walked into the kitchen, and I thought about making some coffee, but decided to make some pancakes instead. I turned on the stove and grabbed some batter from my cabinet. I stopped and looked into my pantry; there was a lot more food in there now then there was before I was knocked out. I guess the girls went out shopping. Huh, that was nice of them. I took out a pan, put it on the stove, put the batter on it, and started to make some pancakes. I’m glad my Mom taught me how to cook before I came here. That’s one skill that’s helped me over the years. As I flipped the pancakes, I heard somepony walk in.
“Is that pancakes Ah smell?” I turned and saw Applejack.
“Morning Jackie,” I said.
“Need any help?”
“No, I’m fine.” Applejack walked up to me.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“Yeah I’m fine. A lot of old memories came up last night, that’s all.” Applejack nodded. Suddenly, a portal opened up above me and from it, a newspaper fell, right onto my head. I looked up.
“Could you at least wait till I’m sitting down Marx?”
“Nope!”
I rolled my eyes and the portal closed. I picked the newspaper up from the ground and set it on the table, then I went back to my pancakes.
“Um, who was that?”
“Huh? Oh, just an old friend of mine.”
“An old friend of yours? How did ya meet somepony like him?”
“It’s a long story. I guess I could tell you once the others get up.” Applejack nodded and started to clear off the table. Once she was done, I brought my pancakes (not to brag but I think I made them perfectly) to the table and got everyone some plates. I set the plates down, and laid out the pancakes as Applejack went to get the other girls up. I walked up to the fridge and looked at the drinks that I had. I had apple juice, orange juice, cranberry juice, and… cider?
“Since when did I have cider?” I thought about it for a moment. There was only one pony that could have done this. “Rainbow Dash.” Great. What am I supposed to do with this? Eh, maybe I’ll give it to Marx. He’ll probably give it to some other displaced. I took out all of the juice and set it on the counter. I took out some cups, and set them all down. I turned and saw everypony walking in.
“Good morning girls.”
“Morning Lisa,” Twilight replied with a nod.
“Morning darling.” Rarity said with grace.
“‘Sup,” Rainbow said.
“I made pancakes!” I led them to the table, and we all began to eat. “By the way, why’d you buy me cider, Rainbow?”
“Um, because cider is AWESOME!”
“Yeah well, I don’t drink.”
“Oh, well I guess I’ll just take it with me.” How much you wanna bet she planned this from the beginning? I used my mind reading powers.
‘YES! I knew she didn’t look like the drinking type. Now I’ve got cider that Applejack bought!’ Yep, I knew it. Whoever said she didn’t now owes me five bucks! A sudden portal opened up and five bits fell out.
“Ha! I knew it!”
“Whatever...” Marx grunted with frustration. The portal then closed.
“Um… what?”
“Don’t worry Twi, me and Marx make bets all the time.”
“Who’s Marx?”
“He’s my friend that sends me a copy of the newspaper.”
“Oh, who is he anyway?”
“Well, it’s a long story but, I suppose that since I have no plans today, I could tell you all.”
“Oooo! Back story time!” I looked up and saw Pinkie on my head.
“AAAHHH!” everypony else screamed.
“Pinkie when did you get here?” Rainbow asked.
“WellaftergettingthingsreadybackatponyvileIdecidedtocomebackheretoseewhatyouallweredoingandwhenIheardLisasayshewasgoingtotellalongstoryIknewitwouldbeabackstorysoIdecidedtojoin!”
“Is that a fact?” I said amused.
“Wait, you understood that?” Twilight asked.
“Yes, all it takes is learning to listen to different segments of a sentence, and then you’ll get the general idea.”
“Yeah!”
“Okay then. So anyways you were going to tell us about Marx?”
“Right, so the story starts a long time ago, back before I came here.”
I was just a little girl when I first meet him. You see, I had a very lonely childhood. Not really any friends. The only real friend I had was Marx, my imaginary, or who I thought was imaginary, friend. He would always be with me. We’d play games, tell jokes, and just have fun. But that wasn’t the only thing that made him awesome. When he would come with me to school, he didn’t just hang out with me during recess, but he would also help me with class work. It would actually work too. With his help, not only was my classwork and homework mostly correct, but if I didn’t know an answer on a test, he would somehow know the answer. Life was great with him around. But, one day, I just stopped seeing him. At first I just assumed that I had outgrown my imaginary friend, but I would one day learn that I was very wrong about that. It was a friday night. My parents and I were staying at my uncle’s house over christmas break. After that, I would have head home, but I would never get the chance.
You see, it had been rumored in my family that my uncle made drugs in his basement. I thought those rumors weren’t true. Oh, how wrong I was. A sudden boom shook me and parents awake. There smoke coming from the basement, and I heard a fire roaring underneath us. We ran downstairs, only to see the fire had spread here from the basement to the first floor.
“The window upstairs! We can get out from there!” my dad yelled. My mom and I nodded. We ran upstairs and try to get out the window. First my mom goes. I can see the fire starting to spread up to here.
“Your turn sweetie,” My dad says.
“No, you’re going first.” My dad is about to object, but I push him out the window. I was about to follow, but then I hear a crack. I look down. The fire has spread up here completely now. The wooden floor below me was cracked. The crack begins to grow. The floor below me collapses, and I fall. I hit the first floor, it breaks from my momentum and I fall to the basement. There’s fire all around me, and everything was collapsing. I, was going, to die. A portal suddenly appears in front of me, and something walks out.
It was a skeleton, with a black cape tied around it’s neck with a red gem holding it there. It had a staff that had a mini Tirek skull on the top, and a spear tip on the bottom. It was Marx!
“M-Marx?”
“Hello Lisa.” I couldn’t believe it. Was I hallucinating him because I was about to die?
“You’re not going to die Lisa, I’m not going to let that happen.” Huh, how?
“What do you mean? You're just a being from my imagination, right?”
“Look, do you remember how I would be able to tell you things you yourself didn’t know?”
“Yeah?”
“How would I be able to do that unless I was a separate being entirely?”
“Um, I don’t know.” The fire was still roaring. I was losing air. Marx must have noticed this.
“Listen, I would explain more but we don’t have the time. I can save you, but you must agree to it. Do you want to live?”
“Y-Yes.”
“Then I can save you, but in order to do that, I have to send you away. You wont ever be able to come back home, and you will never look the same again. Is that okay?” I thought for a moment.
“Y-Yeah, that’s fine, just make sure my parents will be okay.” Marx nodded. A portal opened up beneath me, and I fall. As I begin to fall, my body begins to change. My skin gets paler, and I grow tendrils of darkness out of my back. My black hair doesn’t change, and neither do my clothes or body shape. I continue to fall, till another portal opens up below me. I fall through, and land in a field. I get up and look around. The field was surrounded by a really creepy, but strangely familiar forest. I then hear Marx speakin my head.
“Ah, seems as though I put you in a place you recognize.”
“Where exactly did you put me?”
“I’ll give you a hint, Everfree.”
Everfree? What? Wait a second.
“You’re kidding me right?”
“What? I thought you’d like it!”
“Yeah I’m fine with it. I just never thought you’d send me here.”
“Well, you’re welcome!” Marx stops talking to me. I look around. This little field could make a nice little home. I mean, I’ve got plenty of wood around me, and there’s bound to be some food around here. But first, what did Marx turn me into? I looked down at my body. I was Slender Woman. Huh, weird. I looked around again. Better start figuring out how I should make a house.
“And that’s how I met Marx, and how I got here.” The girls were in awe.
“That’s amazing!” Twilight said. “Well, except for the fire part, that’s not so amazing.”
“I agree darling.” Rarity said sadly.
“Well, what about after that?” Rainbow asked. “How’d you meet Applejack, and how’d you get this house?”
“That’s a tale for another time.” They girls all awed in sadness. “Hey cheer up. It’s a beautiful day! How about we go to Ponyvile for that party Pinkie planned for?”
“Hey, how’d you know about that?”
“Ah’m guess, mind reading?”
“No way. I dare not tread into the mind of Pinkie.” We all laughed at that. I then, with the girl’s help, washed the dishes and we all left for Ponyvile.
...okay then. Judging by how someone guessed it, I'm going to assume that Marx is a famous character from somewhere else? Anyone care to clarify?
6309922 Think grim dark stories. At least, that is where he comes from by my guess. Some grimdark story, or another admin level displaced. Either way, seems nice enough.
6309970
6309922
What? No no no, Marx is my displacer for my displaced stories. Whatever you two are talking about is not linked to it at all. Good try though.
6309922 also he said the character was on his other stories so.... There we go.
6310037 So I was partially correct on a technicality.
Not bad. I found the displacement rather original compared to the others.
6310056 maybe I guess? Not really though since my the Marx I'm talking about is my OC.
6310450 Um. What?
Truly?
I am disappointed. It is a good story, of course, but there is no emotional complexity, and no style in the telling.
Did you intend to write Ponyville with just one "l" or is that a typing error. Because you wrote it throughout the chapter like that. In both cases it should be written big.
Not "meet" that´s the wrong time. It should be "met"
You are missing an "was" or "is" after the "There". I´m not sure, because you changed the times a lot during the back story. So I don´t now if it was your intend to do it or a mistake. But either way you are missing a word there.
You are missing that line in "won´t".
You forgot the space between these two words.
Again is it intended to be written like that?
On an other note: Interesting chapter. Nice backstory. I like that she isn´t displaced like most Displaced are.
6312661 oh whoops, typing errors sorry about that. Thing is Google doc. doesn't point out errors like that so sometimes me and my editor miss them.
6312613 the real back story has not yet started.
6312699 I am still here because I want you to keep writing. I look at you, and I see... I see this:
soybeanresearchinfo.com/News/upload/33_ICM_ILeVO_seedling.jpg
You're so little, so much smaller, so much less polished than everyone else. I can see you're just starting out, though, and you still have green on you, there are parts of the story that show a glimmer of intrigue, of ideas perhaps not seen in every cliche self-insert.
I want to see you grow, I want to watch you get better at writing. I've read the beginning stuff of some of my favorite authors and it's almost always horrible. I want to watch you practice and see you get better, and I want to read a later piece and say, "Wow, look how far this person's come!"
I know that you can't do any of that without help, though. It will hurt: sun scorches and rain brings hail, but without both a plant will never survive. I know it hurts when people point out plot holes and spelling errors, but in the end it will make you a better writer, if only in discerning when to listen to a commenter and when to tell them they're full of sht.
I believe in you, little seed. Don't dry up when the sun comes: keep growing.
6313340 that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me as a writer, I cried a little while I read that. Thanks for the support. I promise I'll make that happen.
I really do want to like this story, I really do.
But it is very hard with how it is structured, sometimes it is even hard to read do to badly placed and badly split paragraphs, I explained how paragraphs work on my last comment on my last chapter but I am going to do it again.
for example:
you can't have two characters talking or thinking in the same paragraph it makes it harder for the reader to read the story.
I won't go in as much detail as i did last time but I do want to clarify that I don't dislike you as a writer, but I do dislike your story.
I mostly agree with Mossy mare on that you are new to writing, to be honest I am too, but that does not mean I know nothing about writing, I know it's hard and I know that writing blocks are the worst!
But when you get past that writing block it is satisfying as hell.
but that is why I am writing this comment, when writing my story I constantly worry that I am doing something wrong or I am missing something, or doing something, anything to degrade the quality of my story, that is why I love getting comments that help me out, and that is why I write comments like these to help other writers out.
I truly wish for you and your stories to get better, i hope this helped out, even if only a little.
I wish you a good day, and a prosperous life.
Derpy Engineer HD
Who's this Marx person?
Marx, huh? Does his first name happen to be 'Karl'?
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