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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
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Great story. Looking forward to more.
Oh, this will be good.
looks very promising
themarysue.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/rick.png
6871796 some people you just can't take along. Thanks for the catch.
Never instead of ever
7016768 I have been over this chapter I don't know how many times and yet I still didn't see that lol Thanks
Needs proofreading badly. It is a mess.
Tenses to fix, typos, capitalization...
Cadences should have activated her mirror five minutes ago.”
“I’m sorry Spike but I have no Idea how the portal with react with dragon physiology.
“It ok Spike, I’ll take the train with you to the Crystal Empire.”
Rarity shouted Twilight froze in place; slowly she turned her head to face Rarity.
Rarity said as she used her magic to pulled a crown from her bag, it was golden with five jagged points each with a red ruby
Princess Cadence set upon her throne while Prince Shining Armor and Princess Celestia set on either side of her.
The portal rippled as something flow out impacting the ground
Celestia ask until her eye fell upon the object.
He grab the crown with his magic, bringing it to his face, wide-eyed look of dread crossed his face, as he turn to the princesses.
etc.
Dropped here...
7106456 Man you were not kidding, I just did a quick pass over the Chapter and it was worse that I though. I forgot how long it's been since I last went over it...which may be never. Anyways If you dropped the story due to that I think I got about 80% of them (I hope) in that pass, so if you want to give it another try it should flow better now.
It has promise, but still has room to improve. The biggest offenders are actually easy to fix. First, Applejack recognizes her way too easily. Other than her hair and eyes, Twilight is completely different. I recommend extending this, having AJ feel like she knows this person. Maybe have her say how she missed them. Also, I would have Pinkie recognize her, as she's the most observant of the Mane 6, but that's just me.
Second, I hate that you have the reunion between Twilight and Spike happen 'off-screen'. It would have been nice to actually see that.
Anyway, this looks like it might be good. Let's see where this goes.
7126108 Reading over this chapter again is like looking back in time to when I first joined the fandom, and oh my is it cringe worthy. You make a good point about Applejack, and over all this chapter is just too short. The first two chapter I need to, more or less, rewrite and chapter 3 and 4 need to be touched up. But that's what happens when you write a long story when you are still a developing writer; when you get to that next step you look back and ask your self "What was I thinking?"
As for the second point, they didn't reunion more that Twilight walked passed and Spike saw her, but still I see your point.
A vast improvement. Much more believable reactions from everyone, and we actually see Spike and Twilight.
Good priorities Pinkie...good priorities. Personally, I would have counseled y friend first and make sure everything is alright before throwing a party...but your Pinkie, so why not.
A promising start.
You have my attention...
Humans are demons compared to ponies.
8904352
You have no idea...
Isn't it yes ma'am? Idk it's your story
Fallout?
Hmm, a Metroid fan huh?
9479971
It's clearly a vault suit.